Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => All In A Day's Work => Topic started by: ILoveMyCello on November 28, 2012, 12:58:29 PM

Title: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: ILoveMyCello on November 28, 2012, 12:58:29 PM
I'm asking this for a friend of mine.

My friend has worked with a girl for almost 10 years that has been married 3 times. She doesn't hang out with the girl past work. This girl is working on getting married for the fourth time. She doesn't have a ring yet because "it's in layaway" so to me, this is a little jumping the gun. She has been with a guy for about 8 months.

She asked my friend to be her maid of honor, even though this girl has two grown daughters who I'm sure would love to be in that role. My friend doesnt know what to say and is a little uncomfortable with the idea of it. I told her to not say anything until the girl has a ring and it's for sure. Maybe even wait until she asks her about it again.

Any other advice?
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: dawbs on November 28, 2012, 01:01:43 PM
"Jane, I am SO honored that you thought of me.

I always hate to make plans like this so early in the planning process--so much can happen.
Why don't we wait and if, once you have set a date and have a timeline, you ask at that point"

(my cynical side wonders if a coworker would be more able to fund pre-wedding parties than her daughters couldd)
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: BeagleMommy on November 28, 2012, 01:02:52 PM
Your friend could say "Thank you for the honor, but I'm afraid I have to decline".  If her coworker pushes for a reason I would stick with "It's just not possible".
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: guihong on November 28, 2012, 01:04:04 PM
Dawbs is correct, and I'm glad someone else said that about the parties  ::).

That's if she asks again. I take it your friend demurred somehow. I would tell her to not bring it up, but if coworker asks again, go with Dawbs.
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: LazyDaisy on November 28, 2012, 01:09:57 PM
Sadly from the history of 3 weddings, I would guess that daughters and maybe other friends have already indicated they wouldn't love to be in wedding #4 for whatever reason -- don't like the "fiance", tired of doing it, or Coworker is the biggest bridezilla whenever she gets married. BeagleMommy's wording is good. Don't give any excuses that can be argued with.
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: #borecore on November 28, 2012, 01:27:27 PM
Sadly from the history of 3 weddings, I would guess that daughters and maybe other friends have already indicated they wouldn't love to be in wedding #4 for whatever reason -- don't like the "fiance", tired of doing it, or Coworker is the biggest bridezilla whenever she gets married. BeagleMommy's wording is good. Don't give any excuses that can be argued with.

I agree it's far more likely that her  adult daughters don't want to be in the wedding than that they do. 

Your friend should absolutely wait till there's an engagement and not bring it up in the meantime, and she should offer her best wishes but decline the 'honor.' And she should be careful to do so without excuses or waffling. "Oh, thanks so much for asking, but I just can't!"
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: WillyNilly on November 28, 2012, 01:50:18 PM
If this woman says she's engaged its pretty darn petty and snarky to assume she's actually not just because she's not wearing a ring.  A ring isnot required to be engaged.  Not at all, ever, and certainly not every single moment of engagement.  If she's engaged she's engaged, ring present or not.  Period.  If there is other reason to think she's not engaged so be it. but a ring on layaway is not a sign that she's jumping the gun and lying about actually being engaged.

As for being a MOH, your friend should simply thank the woman for the honor of being asked but apologize and say she's ever so busy these days and money is tight and she simply must decline.  Any further discussion should just be met with "I'm sorry but its not possible" over & over.
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: bah12 on November 28, 2012, 02:20:23 PM
I agree that your friend shouldn't require or wait for some "proof" of the engagement outside of her coworker's word.

But, as others have said, all she has to say is "I'm honored that you asked, but I'll have to decline."  She doesn't have to give a reason.  And if she absolutely feels that she must, she can tell the truth. "I'm uncomfortable mixing my personal and work life."

Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: FoxPaws on November 28, 2012, 02:24:58 PM
But, as others have said, all she has to say is "I'm honored that you asked, but I'll have to decline."  She doesn't have to give a reason.  And if she absolutely feels that she must, she can tell the truth. "I'm uncomfortable mixing my personal and work life."
She doesn't have to give an excuse, but if the reason she's being asked is because the bride thinks she'll be in a better position to host parties (as suggested above) mentioning tight finances will nip that in the bud.
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: bah12 on November 28, 2012, 02:40:28 PM
But, as others have said, all she has to say is "I'm honored that you asked, but I'll have to decline."  She doesn't have to give a reason.  And if she absolutely feels that she must, she can tell the truth. "I'm uncomfortable mixing my personal and work life."
She doesn't have to give an excuse, but if the reason she's being asked is because the bride thinks she'll be in a better position to host parties (as suggested above) mentioning tight finances will nip that in the bud.

It could.  I have a personal philosophy against using money as an excuse for anything. One because I don't think that's information that should be discussed among coworkers and two, because it could be countered.  What if the coworker said that all she wants is someone to stand there and hold her bouquet and that she'd pay for the dress (I bought my bridal party dresses for them).   And I think it would be presumptious of the OP's friend to assume that money is the only reason why she was asked without any kind of indication from the coworker that she's expecting big, expensive parties.

Whenever possible, I try to be as honest as I can.  It's just easier in the long run.  It avoids having to go back and forth when someone counters your offer or have to make up new excuses not to do something.  And I think, too, that's why most people suggest using "It's not possible" and sticking with that.
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: Kaypeep on November 28, 2012, 04:01:20 PM
I'd tell her "I'm very touched you asked, but I'm not comfortable being involved in that way. I'd much rather be a regular guest."

If she's never been a bridesmaid before, this answer holds true since she's never done it for anyone else.
If she HAS been a bridesmaid for others before, it can still hold true because if pressed for more of an explanation, she can say "I've done the bridesmaid thing before and I don't think I can do it again. I prefer to just be a regular guest at this point in my life."

Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: Sharnita on November 28, 2012, 04:30:22 PM
How old is your friend?  Is there any way she can pull off "At my age I am at the point where I'd rather just be a guest"?  It kind of hints that she is over being in WPs and it seems like it would be hard to ask somebody to be a MOH if they'd enjoy being "just a guest" more.
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: MyFamily on November 28, 2012, 06:13:32 PM
If this woman says she's engaged its pretty darn petty and snarky to assume she's actually not just because she's not wearing a ring.  A ring isnot required to be engaged.  Not at all, ever, and certainly not every single moment of engagement.  If she's engaged she's engaged, ring present or not.  Period.  If there is other reason to think she's not engaged so be it. but a ring on layaway is not a sign that she's jumping the gun and lying about actually being engaged.

As for being a MOH, your friend should simply thank the woman for the honor of being asked but apologize and say she's ever so busy these days and money is tight and she simply must decline.  Any further discussion should just be met with "I'm sorry but its not possible" over & over.

I really have to POD this.  I didn't have a ring at first when my dh and I got engaged for a few reasons.  But we were certainly engaged and I'd have been very upset to learn that people were assuming the engagement wasn't real because of the lack of a ring. 

I'm also raising an eyebrow at the assumptions being made here that because this is her 4th wedding she must not be serious about it.  I know someone whose first husband died young, the second husband was a mistake made because she really thought she should be married, her 3rd husband passed away and she is seriously dating someone now who she will probably marry.  Two of her three marriages would have been forever and ever except her husbands died.  Unless she's 25 and this is her 4th marriage, I think the judgement may not be fair. 
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: Vall on November 28, 2012, 07:59:52 PM
If she doesn't want to do it, she should thank her for asking and decline.

Why isn't the engagement "for sure"?  You don't have to date someone more than 8 months to be engaged.  A ring is not necessary to be engaged.  I dated my husband significantly less than 8 months when he proposed and I did not receive an engagement ring (I didn't want one).  And yes, I had been married more than once before.  No one (especially us) cared about those things.  We were engaged because I said yes.  Our engagement was "for sure".  We've been married for almost 9 years now.
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: cookiehappy on November 29, 2012, 12:12:29 PM
Should the coworker ask your friend again, your friend should be firm, yet polite:

"Oh, coworker, while I am honored (and/or surprised) with your request, I have to decline."

There is no need to give an excuse, tell a lie or hem and haw.  Straightforward is always the best approach.  Always.
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: TurtleDove on November 29, 2012, 01:43:19 PM
I'm also raising an eyebrow at the assumptions being made here that because this is her 4th wedding she must not be serious about it.  I know someone whose first husband died young, the second husband was a mistake made because she really thought she should be married, her 3rd husband passed away and she is seriously dating someone now who she will probably marry.  Two of her three marriages would have been forever and ever except her husbands died.  Unless she's 25 and this is her 4th marriage, I think the judgement may not be fair.

POD.  This is pretty close to my own story.  I would hate to think people do not wish me well simply because my marriages have ended in divorce (one, he cheated) and death (one, suicide).  I am seriously dating again and will likely be married three times before I am 40 - I sincerely hope this one is forever, as I did with my previous marriages.  I kept my vows, my husbands did not.  It is presumptuous to condemn a person who has experienced significant pain in relationships as the woman in the OP undoubtably has.  It may have been due to horrible decisions she made that she has been married three times and is now heading into a fourth.  It may have been horrible things that happened to her.  Either way, I think it is sad to judge her.

That said, I cannot imagine why someone getting married a fourth time would need a maid of honor at all.  I've been married twice and never had any wedding party at all - just me and my husband, both times. I cannot imagine I would have one this next time either.
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: Sharnita on November 29, 2012, 01:50:21 PM
I don't know that the coworker is assuming all people who get married more than once are not serious or that she wishes anybody anything but the best.  I think that knowing that particular person's history and her attitudes might make her a bit unsure about how things will procede.  That doesn't mean that she doesn't want things to go well. I think it can be circumstancial.
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: Al on December 02, 2012, 01:38:23 PM
From The Onion:

Best Man Has No Idea Why He Was Picked

http://www.theonion.com/articles/best-man-has-no-idea-why-he-was-picked,1705/
 
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: rose red on December 02, 2012, 02:45:26 PM
It doesn't matter whether the coworker is really engaged or not, serious or not.  The friend need to ignore the past history and just answer that one question with a yes or no.
Title: Re: Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?
Post by: Raintree on December 04, 2012, 04:37:00 AM
If she doesn't want to be MOH, she should say that she is honoured but it won't be possible.

I'd be a little leery of someone who asked a work-only friend to be MOH. I knew a woman at work who asked all her work friends to the wedding, and to be in the wedding party, and I began to wonder if she had any other friends. Seemed she didn't, and by the time the wedding rolled around I could see why. She was a bully and a bridezilla. She harrassed and bullied one of her bridesmaids at work, over some petty drama, to the point where this bridesmaid had to complain to management to stop the harrassment.