Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: SiotehCat on December 04, 2012, 03:38:06 PM

Title: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: SiotehCat on December 04, 2012, 03:38:06 PM
My DS wants to attend a football game for his favorite college football team. Its going to be 6 hours away from "home" and I wont be able to accompany him. It is also at the end of December. I have two options for this.

Option #1-  DS would love for his dad to go with him and I know that his dad would love to go. He doesn't get to spend much time with his dad because of how far away we live. However, this is right in the middle of the holidays and his dad does have a wife and step kids. Is it reasonable to ask him to accompany DS? Can I ask him to pay for his own ticket?

Option #2- My brother would probably very much like to join DS. Its also his favorite team and where he went to college. In this case, I would be paying for both tickets. This has the potential to really hurt his dads feelings though.

I don't know how to go about this. Advice?
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Moray on December 04, 2012, 03:39:43 PM
Is there any reason why you can't call your son's father and ask him? Just say "Hey, I was thinking about this gift for DS; would you be interested in getting a ticket and going with him, or should I arrange for him to go with his uncle?"

Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: NyaChan on December 04, 2012, 03:42:03 PM
 I'm sorry, I can't remember how old your son is.  If he is old enough that it wouldn't be hard for him to hear that his dad can't go, I would have your son ask his dad to take him & then you offer to cover your son's ticket if you think it appropriate to offer.  If he is not old enough to handle that, I would call his father, explain that your son wants to see the game and that you know he'd love to see it with his dad.  Then ask if he thinks that'll be possible & offer to cover the cost of your son's ticket. 
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: lowspark on December 04, 2012, 03:42:34 PM
Can you give his dad the right of first refusal? Just tell him that you want to give your son a ticket, that you figure dad might want to go with him which would be ok with you, as long as he pays his own way, and that if he doesn't want to or can't go, then you'll arrange for your brother to go.

This gives Dad the option without forcing either situation on him.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: SiotehCat on December 04, 2012, 03:43:43 PM
Is there any reason why you can't call your son's father and ask him? Just say "Hey, I was thinking about this gift for DS; would you be interested in getting a ticket and going with him, or should I arrange for him to go with his uncle?"

I have to be careful how I say it to him. If he can't/won't go, he might also decide that he doesn't want DS to go because it is interfering with their time together. Then he would guilt DS into also not wanting to go.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: NyaChan on December 04, 2012, 03:44:55 PM
Is the game during time he would normally spend with his father?  If not, then how would it cut into his time with him? 
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Moray on December 04, 2012, 03:45:39 PM
Is there any reason why you can't call your son's father and ask him? Just say "Hey, I was thinking about this gift for DS; would you be interested in getting a ticket and going with him, or should I arrange for him to go with his uncle?"

I have to be careful how I say it to him. If he can't/won't go, he might also decide that he doesn't want DS to go because it is interfering with their time together. Then he would guilt DS into also not wanting to go.

Oh, so you're trying to schedule something during his visitation? That does change things; it makes it all the more important for you to confer with his father.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: SiotehCat on December 04, 2012, 03:46:04 PM
Is the game during time he would normally spend with his father?  If not, then how would it cut into his time with him?

Yeah, it is. We would be in the area for the holidays. That's the only time that DS gets to see his father.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: SiotehCat on December 04, 2012, 03:47:52 PM
Is there any reason why you can't call your son's father and ask him? Just say "Hey, I was thinking about this gift for DS; would you be interested in getting a ticket and going with him, or should I arrange for him to go with his uncle?"

I have to be careful how I say it to him. If he can't/won't go, he might also decide that he doesn't want DS to go because it is interfering with their time together. Then he would guilt DS into also not wanting to go.

Oh, so you're trying to schedule something during his visitation? That does change things; it makes it all the more important for you to confer with his father.

Its not "visitation", its just time that they would normally be together. We are only going to be in the area for a week and a half this time. DS doesn't spend the whole time with his dad, but they would lose about a day and a half if DS went without him.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: bonyk on December 04, 2012, 03:55:09 PM
How badly to you want DS to be able to go?  Is it worth paying for Dad's ticket?  If so, I would call up the dad and tell him that you are giving DS 2 tickets.  Would he like to be his chaperone or should you find someone else?

I think it would be better received if the ticket is free.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Moray on December 04, 2012, 03:57:13 PM
Ok, so you don't want to ask him. I think it's not very kind to take a large chunk of the time your son's father would have liked to spend with him, but you'd be the only judge as to if this works for you :)

So, I guess you don't ask him and just proceed with making plans for your son and his uncle.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: lowspark on December 04, 2012, 03:57:46 PM
Ohhh. I didn't realize that. In that case, I'd say that Dad really does sort of have a say in whether son goes or not. So I'd probably present it to the dad something like this:
Son really wants to go see this game and it is during the time he will be with you. If you want to take him, I'll spring for his ticket.
You might even suggest that they can certainly make it a family (as in Dad's family) event if they want since you mentioned your concern that it might take time away from them.

Alternatively, I agree that if the son is old enough to handle it, he should do the asking. And he can say that he really wants to go to the game and that you've offered to pay for his ticket if dad can take him.

Now, if dad says no, he can't go, then you can bring up your brother. But really, I can kind of sympathize with dad that if he can't go, he'd rather son didn't go either since it would seriously cut down on his time with dad.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: JenJay on December 04, 2012, 04:06:05 PM
It sounds like Dad does spend time with your son while you're in his area but it's not like you drop him off with Dad and that's their time. I do not think Dad gets to say "I don't want DS to go to the game." because the trip wouldn't cost him a day with son, he'd just see him a different day. (I'm assuming Dad hasn't already arranged to have that day off in anticipation of being with DS?)

I would purchase two tickets and let him know "Part of son's Christmas gift is two tickets to Game at Place on Date. I'm sure he'd love it if you were available to go with him, but if not my brother can take him. Talk it over with Wife and let me know." If you think he'll jerk you around you could add something like "If I haven't heard back from you by Date I'll arrange for Brother to take him."
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: WillyNilly on December 04, 2012, 04:30:27 PM
Honestly the normal etiquette of giving tickets, which we actually just discussed in a few recent threads, is that you always give 2 tickets so the recipient can take along someone. 

I get that this is your son's father, so the waters are muddied a bit, but considering your current situation with not knowing who to send along with your son I think you should default to the standard and buy your kid 2 tickets and then have your son call and invite his dad to come with him. Alternately you can have your son invite him before purchasing the tickets, if you think that would be less drama.  But either way if you can afford 2 tickets if your brother was going, you can afford 2 tickets if his father is going. 

The cost of the second ticket is the cost of giving your son tickets as a gift, who his guest is shouldn't affect that.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Shoo on December 04, 2012, 05:01:00 PM
How would your son feel about missing 1.5 days of seeing his father if it meant he got to see his team play? 

And I know you didn't bring this up, but I can't help but think that if it really means so much to your son's father that he spend time with his son -- to the point that you are worried about even asking him to miss 1.5 days with him -- then he would make it a point to see him at other times during the year, and not just once a year during the holidays.  I, personally, wouldn't give it another thought and I'd ask him if he would buy a ticket so he could take his son to the game.  If he declines, I would not hesitate to say well, then I guess he'll go with my brother. 



Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: SiotehCat on December 04, 2012, 05:14:10 PM
How would your son feel about missing 1.5 days of seeing his father if it meant he got to see his team play? 

And I know you didn't bring this up, but I can't help but think that if it really means so much to your son's father that he spend time with his son -- to the point that you are worried about even asking him to miss 1.5 days with him -- then he would make it a point to see him at other times during the year, and not just once a year during the holidays.  I, personally, wouldn't give it another thought and I'd ask him if he would buy a ticket so he could take his son to the game.  If he declines, I would not hesitate to say well, then I guess he'll go with my brother.

Oh, I'm sorry but I didn't explain it properly. He sees him twice a year because we to down twice a year. During the holidays and during the summer. During the summer, I stay for the first half. DS then stays for the rest of the break and I fly him back when its over.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: SiotehCat on December 04, 2012, 05:24:03 PM
I do have a kinda update.

I texted DS's father(Big M) and asked him if he liked The Football Team. He said that DS had told him about them. I told him that DS wants to go to the game on the 29th and that I would pay for DS's ticket if he wanted to take him. I told him that he could get back to me because , obviously, he needs to talk to his wife about it. He sounded really excited about it.

Then... he sent a weird text saying that he is really going to try, but his wife might not be up for it because she has problems with me.

I told him that he must be confused and that I would not be going. If I could take DS myself, why would I need Big M?

He said that yeah, he really misunderstood. He thought the three of us would go together. I told him that if he couldn't take DS to let me know. He is going to text me later tonight or tomorrow morning.

After that conversation, I'm not sure I even want to deal with Big M anymore. I am going to look football games in my area and see if DS is interested.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: NyaChan on December 04, 2012, 05:30:34 PM
Isn't that good though?  He wants to go to the game with your son and he probably needs the time to explain to his wife what the actual situation was.  Unless you think there is something else going on?
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: sparksals on December 04, 2012, 05:42:41 PM
I don't get the problem either.  He is going to check with his wife and get back to you.  Give him a chance to respond.

Besides, wouldn't it be rude to change the plans unilaterally after he is expecting your son to be visiting him?  I don't think that is too fair to your son's father.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: DavidH on December 04, 2012, 05:45:19 PM
It sounds like a good solution, I'm not sure why the conversation put you off the whole idea.  It seems like a simple misunderstanding

Why not just wait for his answer and then if he declines see if your brother wants to go?
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: NyaChan on December 04, 2012, 05:50:20 PM
Maybe in the meantime you can confirm with your son that he'd want to go to the game even if it meant missing out on time with his dad (just in case) and talk to your brother about helping out if DS' father doesn't come through.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: SiotehCat on December 04, 2012, 05:51:33 PM
It sounds like a good solution, I'm not sure why the conversation put you off the whole idea.  It seems like a simple misunderstanding

Why not just wait for his answer and then if he declines see if your brother wants to go?

The reason for the excitement is because he thought the three of us would be going. Its not so exciting now.

Big M has issues with us not being together.

I'm looking into other games now so that I can tell Big M to forget about it.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: NyaChan on December 04, 2012, 05:53:08 PM
Ohhhh ok, yeah, thaaaats awkward.  :-\
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: JenJay on December 04, 2012, 07:13:11 PM
Hold up on canceling the whole thing. This gift was for your son, right? Because he loves this team. If his dad wants to turn it into a pity-party because you won't be playing Happy Family then cut him out of the equation and let your brother take DS. If you cancel everything Big M has managed to control the (now lack of) event with his drama.

Wait and see what happens. He'll either write back "Okay, I'd love to take him. I'll get my ticket." or "On second thought I can't make it. Blah, blah, blah, whine, drama..." in which case you say "Okay, I'll let Brother know so he can make arrangements to take Son."
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: miranova on December 04, 2012, 08:19:40 PM
I would also wait and see what his response is before you cancel the idea entirely.  If he says "cool I'll take him" then no harm no foul.  What he WANTS (in terms of having you there) doesn't matter, he isn't getting it either way so who cares.   If he says he will take DS, great, if not, then you can look into having your brother take him or whatever.  Either way you are not going with him so why not wait and see what happens?
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: miranova on December 04, 2012, 08:21:01 PM
Oh and also....if I was his wife I'd probably also have a problem with my husband going to a day and a half event with his ex and their child together...especially if there were any lingering feelings on either side.  So I can't blame her for that one!
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Sharnita on December 04, 2012, 10:43:23 PM
I think it would be incredibly rude to withdraw the opportunity now that you've offered it.  Nothing wrong with getting a ticket for a game around you if he declines but you shouldn't slma a door you opened.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: bopper on December 05, 2012, 10:08:40 AM
You have negative feelings toward your son's father so I think that is messing things up a bit.

Whatever you feel about your ex, he is still your son's father and you could say that part of the gift is time with his Dad possibly.  At this point you could text him and say "I need a go/no go by Dec 6th on the tickets".   Then when he says yes or no, you proceed thusly.  I am sure it is difficult, but if this is somethign you want to do for your son then you need to keep the OP/Ex relationship out of the equation.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Fleur on December 05, 2012, 10:20:32 AM


I am a little confused: are you saying that Big M wanted you to go as well, or that he didn't? And if he did, is it that that his wife has a problem with. I must say, if that is so then I think that you are in a tough spot and I don't blame you for withdrawing the offer, although to do so might seem a bit hard on your son. If I am understanding this right, I don't think M comes off all that well.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Winterlight on December 05, 2012, 12:27:50 PM
I think if you made the offer to your son then it would be unkind to withdraw it. I'd play dumb and pretend I didn't notice Big M's attitude. If he does the drama whine, I'd send son with my brother.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: TurtleDove on December 05, 2012, 12:42:02 PM
I don't know the exact dynamics of your relationship with Big M, but I do things with my DD's father and DD (so, just the three of us) relatively often because DD enjoys it - things like going trick or treating or out for pizza after a school conference or to Disney Princesses on Ice.  I am in a serious relationship.  I suppose there are unresolved issues between her father and me, but we do these things for no reason other than it makes our DD happy and that way she doesn't have to choose which parent to experience something with.  My SO, who also has children, encourages these outings because he understands it is not about me and my ex - it is for the joy of our daughter, who my SO cares about also.

I am not saying the OP should go to the game (and I know that's not an option anyway) but I would NOT assume Big M wanted to go to the game as some sort of date with the OP.  It could very well be he wanted to enjoy something as parents of DS.  It's not the same thing.

Edited because I forgot the word NOT which totally changes the point of my post!
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: JenJay on December 05, 2012, 12:51:19 PM
I think there is a history of Big M making it clear he'd like to reconcile with Sio if she were willing and I recall an older thread where he had even gone so far as to refuse to acknowledge her DH exists and insist her DH not be present at any function that Big M attends. I can see why the assumption that the 3 of them would go together would be an issue for Sio and Mrs. BigM.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: TurtleDove on December 05, 2012, 01:00:19 PM
I didn't know that backstory, but isn't Big M remarried?
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Harriet Jones on December 05, 2012, 01:02:37 PM
I didn't know that backstory, but isn't Big M remarried?
Sio mentions upthread that  Big M has a wife.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: TurtleDove on December 05, 2012, 01:05:50 PM
I didn't know that backstory, but isn't Big M remarried?
Sio mentions upthread that  Big M has a wife.

Right, so he has moved on, right?
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: NyaChan on December 05, 2012, 01:06:22 PM
Apparently not.    :-\
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: TurtleDove on December 05, 2012, 01:09:36 PM
Apparently not.    :-\

I guess from that text exchange I don't know that is clear, unless he has very recently made it clear he wants Sio back.  I understood that when they first split he wanted her back, but time has passed and now they have both moved on.  The text exchange seemed more like a misunderstanding than some sort of overature for an extramarital affair.  I mean, the DS would not have to be there for that.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Sharnita on December 05, 2012, 01:21:48 PM
Apparently not.    :-\

I didn't get that at all.  It soundsed like he was unclear on the intent from the invitation.  He mentioned the invite to his wife and was willing to decline if she really felt strongly that he shouldn't go, despite his excitement about going to a big game with his son.  OP's being there very well could have been incidental in his eyes.  Once it became clear she wouldn't be a fly in the ointment he was ready to go back to his wife for a more enthusiastic response.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Mikayla on December 05, 2012, 01:56:35 PM
Apparently not.    :-\

I guess from that text exchange I don't know that is clear, unless he has very recently made it clear he wants Sio back.  I understood that when they first split he wanted her back, but time has passed and now they have both moved on.  The text exchange seemed more like a misunderstanding than some sort of overature for an extramarital affair.  I mean, the DS would not have to be there for that.

In Post 19, Sio says: The reason for the excitement is because he thought the three of us would be going. Its not so exciting now.

Big M has issues with us not being together.


I took this to mean he thought it would be some sort of reunion and his wife is just collateral damage of some sort. :)

I do agree with those saying that Sio shouldn't rescind DS's tickets if her son wants to go.  Maybe in the future with anything involving his dad, it should be worked through completely before her DS becomes aware of it.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Sharnita on December 05, 2012, 02:02:29 PM
I think Op might be assuming a bit too much there to be honest.  Both the cuase of the initial excitement and the perception that excitement has waned.  This communication is beign done long distance.  It seems possible that something might hve been misread/misheard.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Zilla on December 05, 2012, 02:31:46 PM
I think there is a history of Big M making it clear he'd like to reconcile with Sio if she were willing and I recall an older thread where he had even gone so far as to refuse to acknowledge her DH exists and insist her DH not be present at any function that Big M attends. I can see why the assumption that the 3 of them would go together would be an issue for Sio and Mrs. BigM.
Knowing this, it still doesn't change.  Now that she clarified that with him over the text, I would simply wait for his response.  If he says yes he will take your son.  Then text back that you will purchase son's ticket and make arrangements on him buying his own.  If he says no, then say that your brother will take him instead.  If he doesn't reply, OP, then wait another day and text that you will ask your brother to take him instead.  Then purchase the tickets for your son and brother to attend.
 
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Sharnita on December 05, 2012, 02:34:34 PM
And if he really has lost his excitement he will say no and then the problem is solved anyway, right?
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: SiotehCat on December 05, 2012, 06:52:25 PM
Apparently not.    :-\

I guess from that text exchange I don't know that is clear, unless he has very recently made it clear he wants Sio back.  I understood that when they first split he wanted her back, but time has passed and now they have both moved on.  The text exchange seemed more like a misunderstanding than some sort of overature for an extramarital affair.  I mean, the DS would not have to be there for that.

In Post 19, Sio says: The reason for the excitement is because he thought the three of us would be going. Its not so exciting now.

Big M has issues with us not being together.


I took this to mean he thought it would be some sort of reunion and his wife is just collateral damage of some sort. :)

I do agree with those saying that Sio shouldn't rescind DS's tickets if her son wants to go.  Maybe in the future with anything involving his dad, it should be worked through completely before her DS becomes aware of it.

I used to have no problem doing things with Big M and DS. We did plenty of things together. DH never cared, but I always suspected that Big M was hiding it from his wife. Summer of 2011, Big M managed to really upset me. I haven't accepted any invitations to do things with him and DS since.

He doesn't normally bother me unless I am in town. Then he gets drunk and texts me things that he shouldn't. His wife has found these messages before.

DS isn't really aware of anything yet. He told me about the game and said how much he would like to go. We talked a little bit about who he would go with. I don't think that DS even realized that I was serious about making this happen.

Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: SiotehCat on December 05, 2012, 06:57:49 PM
I think there is a history of Big M making it clear he'd like to reconcile with Sio if she were willing and I recall an older thread where he had even gone so far as to refuse to acknowledge her DH exists and insist her DH not be present at any function that Big M attends. I can see why the assumption that the 3 of them would go together would be an issue for Sio and Mrs. BigM.
Knowing this, it still doesn't change.  Now that she clarified that with him over the text, I would simply wait for his response.  If he says yes he will take your son.  Then text back that you will purchase son's ticket and make arrangements on him buying his own.  If he says no, then say that your brother will take him instead. If he doesn't reply, OP, then wait another day and text that you will ask your brother to take him instead.  Then purchase the tickets for your son and brother to attend.

The bolded is pretty much what happened.

He messaged me once today, but didn't mention the football game.
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Winterlight on December 06, 2012, 08:20:33 AM
Given this, I'd set things up for my brother to take him. My sympathies- your ex sounds like a treat. /sarcasm
Title: Re: Question about gifting event tickets.
Post by: Sophia on December 06, 2012, 09:07:35 AM
I think what really matters is what your son would like.