Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: KnitchyFingers on December 31, 2012, 01:21:52 PM

Title: Move the baby shower?
Post by: KnitchyFingers on December 31, 2012, 01:21:52 PM
My sister and I are planning to throw a baby shower for a close family friend.  This is friend's first baby. 

Important note #1:  Sister and I do not live in the town where we grew up.  I live 3 hours away and sister lives 8-9 hours away.  FF still lives in hometown.  We are planning to return to hometown for the weekend to host the shower. 

Over the holidays, sister and I went to lunch with FF to plan shower basics, including the date.  We asked her who she wanted invited, etc. and we all whipped out our calendars and hashed out a date that worked for everyone.  The date is about 5 weeks before FF is due. 

Today, FF contacted sister and I and said she'd been telling people to "save the date".  She then reported that she told several people the date and they all balked, saying that that was too close to her due date and that she'll be uncomfortable, etc.   So FF suggested moving the date of her shower earlier.  She also said it was okay if we couldn't.

Frankly, it's pretty difficult to move the date earlier.  Sister and I will be out of the country (together) for about a week, three weeks before the shower as it is set now.  I am a physician and book patients pretty far in advance and I've already reserved the Friday before the shower for travel.

Sister and I are torn.  While I want to be sensitive to FF's needs, it's sincerely difficult for us to move the shower.  FF's pregnancy has been going smoothly. 

My shower was 5 weeks before I delivered and I was hot (it was June), but I don't remember being an invalid or THAT uncomfortable at my shower.  I quite enjoyed it.  I know everyone is different.

Thoughts?  Would it be horribly rude to say "I'm so sorry, we're going to have to stick with our original date"?  Clearly, some of the people who will be invited to the shower will have a problem with that. 
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: Hmmmmm on December 31, 2012, 01:45:02 PM
Everyone's pregnancy is different.  With mine the only times I was uncomfortable was when layiing down.  I also remember that I had more difficulty standing in heels for a long time.

If its an outdoor shower or one that is not in a climate controlled environment I can understand being concerned about heat.  To me 6 to 4 weeks prior to due date seems reasonable.
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: doodlemor on December 31, 2012, 02:23:48 PM
I don't think that you and your sister are obligated to change the date that was agreed upon. 

I also think that the hometown friends who are trying to change the date are rather rude. 
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: KnitchyFingers on December 31, 2012, 02:41:57 PM
I'm not sure that hometown friends are necessarily trying to move the date to accommdate themselves, rather they're panicking the new mom that her shower might be "too late" and that she'll deliver early and/or be really physically uncomfortable during her shower.   I'm not sure why anyone would randomly offer that feedback when told the date of the shower, so I'm wondering if FF is starting to think this herself and is using other invitees as scapegoats, so to speak. 

If it makes any difference, the shower is planned for March and will be inside.

I just spoke with sister on the phone.  The best sister can do is move the shower one week earlier, but then we lose on ease of venue use and it will create more work for us (the hostesses).

I guess my main question is twofold:
1)  Is a baby shower 5 weeks before a due date unreasonable? 
2)  Are we rude to not move the date and accommodate FF when we had previously agreed on a date? 

Thanks, friends. 
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: Judah on December 31, 2012, 02:42:53 PM
Quote
She also said it was okay if we couldn't.

She said it was okay if you couldn't move the date, so it's okay.  Don't stress it and continue as planned.
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: twilight on December 31, 2012, 03:01:42 PM
I would have a concern with planning a shower too early rather than too late.  My sister had a miscarriage in her sixth month when shower planning was well underway.  As you can imagine it was extremely traumatic and returning from the hospitol to a house full of baby gifts would have made it that much more painful.  I think your timing is just fine.
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: CookieChica on December 31, 2012, 03:42:29 PM
Mine was 5 weeks before my due date and it was fine. People tried to panic me that I would be uncomfortable, not enough time to prepare, etc. but it was fine.

I think there's nothing rude about the planning or sticking with the date you set.
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: MrsJWine on December 31, 2012, 03:48:45 PM
I think her friends are freaking her out unnecessarily, unless she's got some kind of pregnancy complications going on. Five weeks before the due date is not exactly super fun time, but she's got to be doing something. Sitting and opening presents would be a lot more fun than sitting and not opening presents. It's not usually a strenuous affair. Most baby showers I've been to don't involve gymnastics or keg stands.

Now, if it were two weeks before, I think it would be more reasonable, since there's a halfway decent chance the baby will have arrived by then. But a month out is pretty normal. I was glad of it, since it killed Saturday afternoon for me when I was getting close to the point where I couldn't as easily do a lot of my favorite things anymore.
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: CakeEater on December 31, 2012, 04:28:46 PM
5 weeks out is fine. It's pretty rare to deliver earlier than that, and if she doesn, she'll probably have more to worry about than missing her shower.
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: Elisabunny on December 31, 2012, 06:15:00 PM
I think most of the showers I've been to have been 4-5 weeks before the due date.
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: Mikayla on December 31, 2012, 06:33:21 PM
I'm trying to wrap my head around the notion that 5 weeks is cutting it close, especially for a first baby.  If baby showers are supposed to be 100 percent risk free, nobody would ever have one!

Stick to your date.  The only rudeness I see here is friends scaring a new mom with their unsolicited feedback.  As guests, their role is to accept or decline. 
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: Roe on December 31, 2012, 07:11:09 PM
Quote
She also said it was okay if we couldn't.

She said it was okay if you couldn't move the date, so it's okay.  Don't stress it and continue as planned.

Yep.  If you can, fine, if you can't, fine. 
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: Sharnita on December 31, 2012, 07:22:43 PM
I'm trying to wrap my head around the notion that 5 weeks is cutting it close, especially for a first baby.  If baby showers are supposed to be 100 percent risk free, nobody would ever have one!

Stick to your date.  The only rudeness I see here is friends scaring a new mom with their unsolicited feedback.  As guests, their role is to accept or decline.

Well, my sister did have her baby sis weeks early - one week after the shower planned 7 weeks prior to the due date. I could also see some practical though minor concern depending on what they might be registered for.  For example, if they are registered for a car seat and wait to see if they get one at the shower.  If they don't get one 5 weeks out they might not have a chance to go shopping for one until at least the next weekend. While there are a whole lot of things that can wait there are a few things you need fairly immediately.

I don't think OP needs to move the shower but I don't think that  it is all that shocking or unheard of to consider 5 weeks out close, either.  i also think they were considering her general discomfort rather than just the chance of going into labor.  There are a variety of things that can play into that - the size of the baby, how it is being carried, etc.  Some women are genuinely miserable, some aren't. 
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: cheyne on December 31, 2012, 08:25:09 PM
To the OP:  you and your sister are fine keeping the date of the shower.  The two of you are coming in from out of town to host this and the mom-to-be agreed with the date.

I wonder if any of the friends telling MTB that she'll be "too uncomfortable" have stepped-up and offered to host a shower?

Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: kudeebee on January 01, 2013, 01:19:12 AM
To the OP:  you and your sister are fine keeping the date of the shower.  The two of you are coming in from out of town to host this and the mom-to-be agreed with the date.

I wonder if any of the friends telling MTB that she'll be "too uncomfortable" have stepped-up and offered to host a shower?

Agree with this. You planned the date with her; you have made arrangements; you and ds are out of town before shower. Leave the date as it is.
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: peaches on January 01, 2013, 02:16:51 AM
Quote
She also said it was okay if we couldn't.

She said it was okay if you couldn't move the date, so it's okay.  Don't stress it and continue as planned.

POD

I think everything will work out fine.
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: DoubleTrouble on January 01, 2013, 09:09:14 AM
You're fine with sticking with the date you originally decided on. The only way I'd have an earlier shower is if was a difficult pregnancy or she was pregnant with multiples which tend to come early. In that case an earlier shower might be the better choice but it doesn't sound like your friend is having any problems.

My shower was scheduled a month before my due date but my boys decided to arrive 6 weeks early. So they attended the shower with me but I almost bailed on the whole thing because of PPD.
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: Shoo on January 01, 2013, 01:46:24 PM
I think it's kind of awful that so many of the pregnant woman's friends are telling her she's going to be so uncomfortable at 8 months pregnant that she won't be able to sit through a 2 hour baby shower.  I mean, really!  Way to scare the poor woman.

Lots of women, myself included, felt great right up to the end.  I certainly wasn't uncomfortable at any point during my pregnancy.  I think it's silly to put that out there like it's going to happen.  It's just as likely to NOT happen.

Hold the shower when you originally planned.  The MTB is quite likely to be absolutely feeling great.
Title: Re: Move the baby shower?
Post by: LadyR on January 04, 2013, 09:04:40 PM
Mine was 8 weeks before my DD, partially because the next two weekends were booked (long weekened and wedding) and I wasn't comfortable having it less than 6 weeks before because I was advised I was high risk of premature labour or bed rest (though I only ended up with light rest, not total bed rest and went full term).