Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: Lady Snowdon on January 05, 2013, 03:11:26 PM

Title: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: Lady Snowdon on January 05, 2013, 03:11:26 PM
A little bit of background first.  A friend of mine got married about two years ago, in a destination wedding.  I was one of her bridesmaids, and when I left to come home, she asked me to bring her wedding dress back with her.  She said she'd come pick it up in a couple of weeks, when they were back from their honeymoon.  So I brought it home with me, and it has sat in my closet for almost two years now.  I asked her multiple times to come get it, or set up a time for me to bring it to her, or something.  She never has responded.  At the end of last September, this friend abruptly stopped talking to me, defriended me on Facebook, and acts as if I never existed, according to the people who still see her. 

So, onto my dilemma.  One of my New Year's resolutions is to try and clean up our house, so we can have people over without all-day marathon cleaning sessions.  I figured a dress that didn't even belong to me was a good place to start.  I emailed this person on New Year's Day, and told her that I needed to hear from her within two weeks to set up a way to get rid of the dress, or I'd get rid of it myself.

I mentioned this to a few people, and some people think it's the greatest idea ever.  They've come up with suggestions for where it can be sold or donated, and told me that it's great I'm willing to take back my space.  Other people think I'm committing the Worst Crime Ever (I can almost hear the capitals) and say if I go through with this I will be coming off as a terrible person who doesn't care about another person's sentiment.  They agree I shouldn't need to keep the dress, but say if I get rid of it, it would be awful.  Suggestions from this group have included storing it in our attic, or in our garage. 

I desperately want to get rid of the dress.  It takes up way too much space, and is a constant reminder of someone who cut me off without a word, for no reason that I can discern.  Every time I see it (several times a day, since it's in my closet), I get angry about it all over again.  I thought disposing of it was a good way to get it out of my head, but now I'm not sure.  What is the best way to go about this?
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: bloo on January 05, 2013, 03:14:51 PM
I mentioned this to a few people, and some people think it's the greatest idea ever.  They've come up with suggestions for where it can be sold or donated, and told me that it's great I'm willing to take back my space. Other people think I'm committing the Worst Crime Ever (I can almost hear the capitals) and say if I go through with this I will be coming off as a terrible person who doesn't care about another person's sentiment.  They agree I shouldn't need to keep the dress, but say if I get rid of it, it would be awful.  Suggestions from this group have included storing it in our attic, or in our garage. 

Ask someone from that group to store the dress for you.

However you choose to dispose of it, including pitching it in the garbage, is not - IMO - wrong!
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: gramma dishes on January 05, 2013, 03:15:14 PM
If you have any mutual friends, and particularly if those are the ones who are saying that you will be committing the Worst. Crime. Ever. perpetrated on a human being, perhaps you could give the dress to one of THEM and let them return it to her?
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Yvaine on January 05, 2013, 03:15:58 PM
How bulky is it? Can you cram the thing into a Flat Rate box and mail it to her? I don't think you should have to spend money or that you're obligated, but it might be worth it just to have it out of your space guilt-free.

(And, obviously, she's still within the allotted time you gave her, so hang on to it till then, but it's a possible solution for afterward.)
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Salvage3 on January 05, 2013, 03:16:04 PM
I think keeping it for a short time more would be best for all.  However, I would be spending that time attempting to find a residence where she is located or a workplace.  Upon obtaining that information, I would then immediately send the dress to her, requesting a confirmation of receipt from the shipper/mailer (I don't know where you live).  I'm sure this is really frustrating.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Sharnita on January 05, 2013, 03:16:37 PM
Well, you gave them the chance to let you know you wanted it. If you had contact info for a parent or sib you could give them the same info with a deadline. Maybe somebody who is a mutual friend, especially if the are treating it as the Worst Crime Ever would take custody?
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: gramma dishes on January 05, 2013, 03:17:28 PM


...   (And, obviously, she's still within the allotted time you gave her, so hang on to it till then, but it's a possible solution for afterward.)   ...

She said two weeks!  It's been two years.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: delabela on January 05, 2013, 03:19:37 PM
I think two years is plenty of time to provide free storage.  You have given her plenty of opportunity to get the dress if she wanted it.  My guess is she doesn't really want it, but doesn't want to actually give you permission to get rid of it.  Donate it or sell it with a clean conscience. 

You could also offer to give it to one of the people acting horrified - given the strength of their convictions, I'm sure they'd be happy to hang on to it until she decides she wants it. 
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: alkira6 on January 05, 2013, 03:20:41 PM
Options:

1. Do you have an address for this woman? Send it back, postage due on delivery.
2. If you have mutual friends, give it to one of them to deliver
3. set it on fire and watch it burn, smirking while sipping a martini in one hand and smoking a cigarette. (No?)
4. Give it away to a charity shop after the e-mailed deadline has passed.

Really, 2 years have passed. We can reasonably assume that she doesn't care enough about this dress to get it back. Also - cutting off the person who has the dress, not the best choice if you did want it back.  Make sure that you keep a copy of the email you sent or send her a new one with a read receipt. CYA for any future issues.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Yvaine on January 05, 2013, 03:21:19 PM


...   (And, obviously, she's still within the allotted time you gave her, so hang on to it till then, but it's a possible solution for afterward.)   ...

She said two weeks!  It's been two years.

Unless I'm misreading the post, she emailed the ex-friend on this New Year's Day, 2013, and told her she had two weeks. Yes, obviously, the bride should have claimed it long ago, but now that OP has set a new timeline and notified the woman, she should stick to it and then get rid of the dress.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: gramma dishes on January 05, 2013, 03:24:48 PM


...   (And, obviously, she's still within the allotted time you gave her, so hang on to it till then, but it's a possible solution for afterward.)   ...

She said two weeks!  It's been two years.

Unless I'm misreading the post, she emailed the ex-friend on this New Year's Day, 2013, and told her she had two weeks. Yes, obviously, the bride should have claimed it long ago, but now that OP has set a new timeline and notified the woman, she should stick to it and then get rid of the dress.

Ah ... now I see where you're coming from.  I was going on the bride saying she'd pick up the dress within two weeks after the wedding!  You're talking about a different (later) two weeks offered by the OP.  Sorry about that.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: yokozbornak on January 05, 2013, 03:27:05 PM
This is between you and the dress owner.  You have stored it for two years, have given her a deadline to pick it up, and told her the consequences of not doing so.  I think that after the deadline has passed, you are well within your rights to dispose of how you see fit.  She has had plenty of opportunities to pic it up and has chosen not to do so.  This is her problem and her fault, not yours.
It is certainly not your responsibility to pay for the dress to get back to her.

My only advice is to keep records of the email you sent her in case she decides she wants it back at some future date. 
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: JenJay on January 05, 2013, 03:41:52 PM
Dang this is a tough one. I want to tell you you're free to sell it and keep the money. What 'd probably actually do, though, is find out where she lives and leave it on her porch or pass it off to a mutual friend to give to her next time they see her. As PPs suggested, the ones crying about how mean it would be to get rid of it would be my first choice.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: m2kbug on January 05, 2013, 03:46:16 PM
I would be reluctant to donate it or give it away just now.  Despite the fact this person doesn't really seem to care about it, given the time frame it has sat at your house, it is still a very sentimental thing.  I think I would try to get her address so I could mail it to her, and yes, pay for the shipping, or see if a mutual friend could deliver it to her.  You have given her a deadline, and you have stored this dress for so long, I think you are free to dispose of the dress as you see fit.  You really aren't under any responsibility to pay to ship the dress or anything, but given the sentimental nature of a wedding dress, I think I would try that first, if at the very least, to sooth my own conscience that I tried everything before I gave it away.

I'm laughing at "I can almost hear the capitals."  ;D

Edit to add, I agree with  yokozbornak to keep copies of emails and correspondence, jot down phone calls, just in case she later makes claim to the dress after you disposed of the dress.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: camlan on January 05, 2013, 03:51:47 PM
My only concern would be that since this woman has defriended the OP on Facebook, she may also have blocked her email address. She might never see the email the OP sent.

So I'd send a snail mail letter, or have a mutual friend contact her, to make absolutely sure that she knows her wedding dress is headed for the dumpster. And maybe, extend the deadline one week, because of the possible delay in getting word to her.

But after that new deadline, I'd donate the dress somewhere.

Or give the dress to a mutual friend to take on the responsibility of returning the dress, as another option.

But I'm soundly with the group that thinks the OP has every right to get rid of the dress. She thought she was going to have it for a couple of weeks. It's been two years. If the dress had any sentimental value to the bride, surely she'd have retrieved the dress by now?
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: rose red on January 05, 2013, 03:52:40 PM
I mentioned this to a few people, and some people think it's the greatest idea ever.  They've come up with suggestions for where it can be sold or donated, and told me that it's great I'm willing to take back my space.  Other people think I'm committing the Worst Crime Ever (I can almost hear the capitals) and say if I go through with this I will be coming off as a terrible person who doesn't care about another person's sentiment.  They agree I shouldn't need to keep the dress, but say if I get rid of it, it would be awful.  Suggestions from this group have included storing it in our attic, or in our garage.

"How sentimental can the dress be if she keeps it with someone who don't exist to her?  But if you feel that way, you're more than welcome to keep it in your attic or garage."  Then if nobody steps up, get rid of it after the deadline.

I'm also puzzled how they feel you don't need to keep it, but you should store it in your attic or garage.  Huh?  My English isn't that great, but doesn't that mean "keeping it?"
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: kudeebee on January 05, 2013, 03:54:57 PM
Pack it in a box and put it in your car the next time you are going to see the ones who think you should keep it.  Mention that you are going to donate the dress to goodwill and if one of them says that you shouldn't, you should store it--go get the box and give it to them, saying something like "since you think I shouldn't donate it, here is the dress for you to take care of.  I don't have room for it anymore." Then beandip.

Leave before they do so that you don't get stuck with the box.  Then email exfriend and tell her the name of the person who has her dress now.

Or, if you know where she works or her dh works or where they live, take the box there and leave it for them.  Or drop it off at her mom/mil house if that would work.

Two years is plenty of time to keep the dress--way, way to long.  I am surprised you kept it that long.  I would have been delivering it to her after a month.  However, you did, and there is nothing wrong with giving the two week deadline and then donating it.  If she really wanted it, she would have gotten it.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Amava on January 05, 2013, 03:59:01 PM
I'd put it in a box and ship it to her. Sure it might end up a little crinkled but if she wants she can fix that later.
Or do you not have her physical address?
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: kansha on January 05, 2013, 03:59:23 PM
maybe the OP has had the dress longer than the marriage lasted?
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Lady Snowdon on January 05, 2013, 04:08:58 PM
I'd put it in a box and ship it to her. Sure it might end up a little crinkled but if she wants she can fix that later.
Or do you not have her physical address?

I have her physical address as of the day she cut me off.  I sent a Christmas card to it, which wasn't returned, so I guess it's still a valid address for her.  The problem with shipping it is the expense.  I would need a really big box as the bodice is a corset type, so it can't be crinkled up, and then there are the petticoats, and the train, etc (I thought she was nuts for wearing such a heavy dress at an island wedding, but it was what she wanted).  At a guess, I'd say the dress weighs 10 pounds or more. 
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: CluelessBride on January 05, 2013, 04:13:52 PM
Is shipping C.O.D. still a thing?  If so, I think this is the perfect type of situation for that.

Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: bloo on January 05, 2013, 04:14:13 PM
You haven't mentioned having mutual friends with her so I guess someone relaying this is not an option.

Can you not still 'PM' her on Facebook even though you've been defriended? I'd give that a last shot before disposing it.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Alpacas on January 05, 2013, 04:21:09 PM
I'm probably the odd one here. But i'd sell it without remorse when the 2 weeks are up.
She can't be that sentimental about it if she doesn't pick it up after 2 years and then ignores the one person that stored her wedding dress at her home.

So i'd say. Wait until the deadlines over and then offer it to one of those friends that acted horrified and if they don't want it...sell it.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: NutMeg on January 05, 2013, 04:28:07 PM
The dress obviously isn't that important to her, so I wouldn't worry about it. Get rid of it when the deadline is up, sell it even. At least you'll get something out of storing it for so long.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Thipu1 on January 05, 2013, 04:38:54 PM
maybe the OP has had the dress longer than the marriage lasted?

This sounds like a distinct possibility. 

It doesn't sound like the dress has much sentimental value for the Bride.  It certainly doesn't for Lady Snowdon. 

Wait until January 16th.  If you hear nothing by then, pack the dress up and deliver it to a resale shop with no regrets. 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but the treatment Lady Snowdon has received has been execrable. 
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Outdoor Girl on January 05, 2013, 04:39:42 PM
OP, IMO you are completely in the clear to dispose of the dress however you see fit once the two weeks are up.  Sell it, donate it, burn it in effigy - whichever option gives you the most closure.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: CuriousParty on January 05, 2013, 04:41:35 PM
We had a kind of similar situation, with a similar concern in terms of weight/cost. The items in our possession were also not sentimental to us, but were heirlooms if the owner's family, and I just couldn't feel right disposing of them.

Ultimately, FedEx-ing them, signature required, was less than I expected (under $50. Not chump change but less than I had thought).  I saw it as paying for my own peace of mind, not to mention the physical and mental space this was taking up. Worth every dime.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Sharnita on January 05, 2013, 04:45:30 PM
I do think you are clear after your deadline but it also sounds like you'd like some additional peace of mind beyond that. I don't think you have obligations to her but if it makes you feel better about closing that book I might try some of those other optiobs - for yourself, not her
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: MOM21SON on January 05, 2013, 05:07:26 PM
I do think you are clear after your deadline but it also sounds like you'd like some additional peace of mind beyond that. I don't think you have obligations to her but if it makes you feel better about closing that book I might try some of those other optiobs - for yourself, not her

This.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Amara on January 05, 2013, 05:15:33 PM
You have given her two years to pick up her dress during which time she defriended you on Facebook. That's more than an indication that she wants nothing to do with you. Nevertheless, you remained polite and accommodating and emailed her on NYD and gave her a final two-week deadline. You have gone beyond what etiquette requires and are veering dangerously close to spinal collapse. The final shot in the spine, so to speak, would be going to the trouble of mailing it back to her.

Stick to your deadline. Dispose of it in whatever way suits you best regardless of whether that is the trash, the thrift store, Freecycle, CL, a local charity who helps poor brides out, or burning it.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Shoo on January 05, 2013, 05:18:54 PM
maybe the OP has had the dress longer than the marriage lasted?

This is what I'm thinking.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Otterpop on January 05, 2013, 05:32:27 PM
I say give it to one of the people who say you should keep it.  If the person is a mutual friend who can deliver it to former friend, bonus.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: TootsNYC on January 05, 2013, 05:33:57 PM
I personally would mail it to her in some trackable way. And add a note that says, "I wanted to be sure you got this."

Or find a mutual friend you can TRUST to deliver it to her.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: LazyDaisy on January 05, 2013, 05:48:51 PM
A little bit of background first.  A friend of mine got married about two years ago, in a destination wedding.  I was one of her bridesmaids, and when I left to come home, she asked me to bring her wedding dress back with her.  She said she'd come pick it up in a couple of weeks, when they were back from their honeymoon.  So I brought it home with me, and it has sat in my closet for almost two years now.  I asked her multiple times to come get it, or set up a time for me to bring it to her, or something.  She never has responded.  At the end of last September, this friend abruptly stopped talking to me, defriended me on Facebook, and acts as if I never existed, according to the people who still see her.  (clip thread)

I'm sorry I'm a bit confused, does the bolded mean you haven't communicated at all since the wedding or that you were in communication (for a time) about other things but she never responded about the dress? It doesn't sound like it is sentimental to her or she would be the one asking about it. I agree with others, pass it along to mutual friends who still have contact with her for them to store or return -- a wedding dress is bulky and I wouldn't bother shipping it to her directly for any price. If that isn't possible, feel free to get rid of it.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: wonderfullyanonymous on January 05, 2013, 05:55:46 PM
It sounds to me as though she really doesn't care about or want this dress. If the deadline comes and goes, and she fails to respond, then bye-bye dress. You've done everything you can, and you shouldn't have to play for shipping. You could also send it COD.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: pickles50 on January 05, 2013, 06:04:06 PM
Send her one final email outlining the time frame and the background of the situation. Give her a time frame and explicit directions on how to pick up the dress. Be sure to keep the email and then after the time frame sell, trash or give away the dress. Two years is ample time for someone to arrange to pick up an article of clothing, basically she has abandoned it. By keep the email that outlines you have had the dress since such and such date, the many times you have made attempts to return the dress, she will more than likely have no recourse (legal or moral) and you can sleep soundly at night knowing you made every honest effort to do the right thing.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Roses on January 05, 2013, 06:07:26 PM
I would send her a letter via the mail and tell her if you don't hear from her within two weeks you are sending the dress to the address you sent the letter.  If she doesn't live far from you, I would consider just going to her house and leaving it on her doorstep, preceeded by a phone call and a follow-up phone call that you are dropping the dress by at x time/date and then, you have dropped it off. 

Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Lady Snowdon on January 05, 2013, 06:25:56 PM
A little bit of background first.  A friend of mine got married about two years ago, in a destination wedding.  I was one of her bridesmaids, and when I left to come home, she asked me to bring her wedding dress back with her.  She said she'd come pick it up in a couple of weeks, when they were back from their honeymoon.  So I brought it home with me, and it has sat in my closet for almost two years now.  I asked her multiple times to come get it, or set up a time for me to bring it to her, or something.  She never has responded.  At the end of last September, this friend abruptly stopped talking to me, defriended me on Facebook, and acts as if I never existed, according to the people who still see her.  (clip thread)

I'm sorry I'm a bit confused, does the bolded mean you haven't communicated at all since the wedding or that you were in communication (for a time) about other things but she never responded about the dress? It doesn't sound like it is sentimental to her or she would be the one asking about it. I agree with others, pass it along to mutual friends who still have contact with her for them to store or return -- a wedding dress is bulky and I wouldn't bother shipping it to her directly for any price. If that isn't possible, feel free to get rid of it.

Sorry for the confusion!  We were contact with each other weekly, if not daily, for most of the past two years.  She never responded to any inquiry about picking up her dress - it was as if she never heard it.  For example, about three months after she got married, she was over at my house, and my mom said to her, "Oh, you should put your wedding dress in your car, so you don't forget it".  My former friend smiled and said something totally unrelated like, "I'm so glad we got here before the rain started!".  Just like the mention of her wedding dress had never happened. 

My former friend and I do not have any mutual friends, so I can't give the dress to anyone with the assurance that she'd get it. 
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: rose red on January 05, 2013, 06:27:33 PM
I don't think the OP should spend her own money.  Maybe she can send a registered letter if it doesn't cost too much saying she's getting rid of the dress by "X" date unless she come get it or mail money for shipping.  I wouldn't leave it on the doorstep either because she can claim the OP never dropped it off.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: ------ on January 05, 2013, 06:27:48 PM
Lady Snowdon - your ex-friend has treated you abominably. I'm appalled by her behavior. I'm also a little  :o that she doesn't even seem to care about getting her dress back. I think after two years, you can safely consider the dress abandoned property. As it now belongs to you, I think you're free to do what you like with it. Like other PP's, for your peace of mind I would suggest setting up a free email address with yahoo or gmail or whatever so that you can send her an email if it's indeed true that she's blocked your email address. Then, give her one last firm deadline (10 days should be more than enough) for her to either come and get the dress or make arrangements for someone else to get it - or arrange delivery and pay for it. You have been more than kind and generous to her.

I also think she owes you storage fees, although I understand if you don't want the drama of pursuing that with her - it's just that she really does owe you for that, in case she ever wants to make an issue of anything...KWIM?  ;)
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Shoo on January 05, 2013, 06:30:21 PM
Do you know her mother or father?  Any sister or brother?  Someone you could contact as one last ditch effort to return the dress?

Even if you don't "know" her parents, is there some way you could make contact with them and explain the situation?  Surely there's someone you can call....
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Lady Snowdon on January 05, 2013, 06:34:48 PM
Do you know her mother or father?  Any sister or brother?  Someone you could contact as one last ditch effort to return the dress?

Even if you don't "know" her parents, is there some way you could make contact with them and explain the situation?  Surely there's someone you can call....

She's an only child, has no contact with her mother, and I have no idea what her father's name is...
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Outdoor Girl on January 05, 2013, 06:38:48 PM
Lady Snowdon, your 'friend' knows where you live, knows you have her dress, knows you want to get it out of your house and has done nothing about it.  She is obviously not concerned about you so I don't think you need to go to any more effort whatsoever to get the dress back to her.

If you can stick to your two week deadline and get rid of the dress however you wish without it bothering you then that's what you should do.  The only possible way I could recommend trying to contact someone else to pick up the dress or spending your own money to mail it is if it will bother you not to do so.  You are under no obligation to do anything more than what you've done.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: kudeebee on January 05, 2013, 06:44:50 PM
Wait, she was at your house and didn't take the dress?  Why didn't you get it and put it by the door so she was reminded to take it/you could give it to her?

With this new info--should have been in first post perhaps, as it changes things for me, at least--I would not hesitate in the least to donate it after the deadline has passed.  If she had really wanted it, she would have taken it then.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: penelope2017 on January 05, 2013, 06:50:15 PM
Did you already say if there's a reason you haven't just dropped it on her porch or somewhere else at her house?
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Lynn2000 on January 05, 2013, 06:50:53 PM
Lady Snowdon, your 'friend' knows where you live, knows you have her dress, knows you want to get it out of your house and has done nothing about it.  She is obviously not concerned about you so I don't think you need to go to any more effort whatsoever to get the dress back to her.

If you can stick to your two week deadline and get rid of the dress however you wish without it bothering you then that's what you should do.  The only possible way I could recommend trying to contact someone else to pick up the dress or spending your own money to mail it is if it will bother you not to do so.  You are under no obligation to do anything more than what you've done.

POD to this. What with ignoring the dress every time it was mentioned in conversation--which is really weird--it seems like she has deliberately let many opportunities to get the dress go by. Do you know if she's still married to the guy? If not, her troubles must have started quite early, if she was ignoring mentions of the dress after just three months. Or perhaps her home is very small, and she was hoping you would just continue to keep the dress for her as free storage, so she was bean-dipping any mention of taking it home?
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: LazyDaisy on January 05, 2013, 06:53:56 PM
A little bit of background first.  A friend of mine got married about two years ago, in a destination wedding.  I was one of her bridesmaids, and when I left to come home, she asked me to bring her wedding dress back with her.  She said she'd come pick it up in a couple of weeks, when they were back from their honeymoon.  So I brought it home with me, and it has sat in my closet for almost two years now.  I asked her multiple times to come get it, or set up a time for me to bring it to her, or something.  She never has responded.  At the end of last September, this friend abruptly stopped talking to me, defriended me on Facebook, and acts as if I never existed, according to the people who still see her.  (clip thread)

I'm sorry I'm a bit confused, does the bolded mean you haven't communicated at all since the wedding or that you were in communication (for a time) about other things but she never responded about the dress? It doesn't sound like it is sentimental to her or she would be the one asking about it. I agree with others, pass it along to mutual friends who still have contact with her for them to store or return -- a wedding dress is bulky and I wouldn't bother shipping it to her directly for any price. If that isn't possible, feel free to get rid of it.

Sorry for the confusion!  We were contact with each other weekly, if not daily, for most of the past two years.  She never responded to any inquiry about picking up her dress - it was as if she never heard it.  For example, about three months after she got married, she was over at my house, and my mom said to her, "Oh, you should put your wedding dress in your car, so you don't forget it".  My former friend smiled and said something totally unrelated like, "I'm so glad we got here before the rain started!".  Just like the mention of her wedding dress had never happened. 

My former friend and I do not have any mutual friends, so I can't give the dress to anyone with the assurance that she'd get it.
This sounds to me like she was the one getting rid of the dress she no longer wanted (but for some reason wouldn't admit) after her wedding. There wasn't any talk before the wedding about her hating the dress -- like she bought it under pressure from her mother or MIL, or some sort of BFF pledge to wear the same dress (like a Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants kind of thing)? I think you can safely discard it right away.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: mindicherry on January 05, 2013, 07:08:42 PM
Lady Snowden - I think morally & ethically, you are completely fine to dispose of the dress after the specified period of time in your email (although I would personally drive it to her house, assuming she lives reasonably close, and drop it on her front door...just because I would hate to throw away a wedding dress)

I would like to mention that there may be legal issues with you doing so.  Since it sounds like an expensive dress, I would not send another email, but send a certified letter, return receipt requested, that your ex-friend has 2 weeks to pick up the dress or it will be disposed of.

I am not a lawyer and not giving legal advice - just saying to check to see if their are any laws that make you her "storage facility" (even though she has never paid storage fees) and that you can't dispose of it without proper notice...although I think Judge Judy would be on your side ;-)

(sorry - it's just that I managed a moving & storage company for 7 years and even if someone hadn't paid their storage fees for 2 years, there were laws saying we had to go through certain steps before we could toss their items. Just want to make sure that the same type of laws don't apply to the OP...so she should check!)
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Lady Snowdon on January 05, 2013, 07:35:29 PM
Okay, so based on some suggestions, I did some research in my states laws.  Basically, my former friend gets 30 day notice instead of 14 day notice, and it needs to be sent certified mail.  So I'll write her a note, mentioning the pertinent statute, make a copy of the note, and mail it out tonight or tomorrow certified.  It means keeping the dress for longer than I want to, but this former friend was always talking about suing people, or getting a lawyer, so it's probably for the best to make sure I have a, I hope, firm footing. 

This way, maybe those who think I'm committing the Worst Crime Ever won't have as much to complain about!
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Outdoor Girl on January 05, 2013, 07:38:20 PM
Perfect!

(And after your 30 days is up, if you decide the most cathartic way to rid yourself of the thing is the burning in effigy option, we'll need pictures.  ;D)
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: sevenday on January 05, 2013, 07:47:55 PM
There are a few organizations that accept donated wedding dresses, plus the usual donation sites.  There's also Craigslist or ebay, you might be able to offload a big dress like that there. Why not make a little money off all that time it's been sitting in storage? After the 30 days of course.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Raintree on January 05, 2013, 09:37:34 PM
Sounds like the perfect solution. Given that your ex-friend likes to sue people and all.

Otherwise I was going to say, I'm surprised you've kept it this long. I think you'd be well in the clear to sell it, give it away, burn it, toss it, whatever you want. (But I'd try to sell it and keep the money).

Or send her one more email saying, "The dress is outside by the trash bin if you want to pick it up." A similar technique got me tremedous results with the individual suddenly springing into action out of nowhere.

(My story: An individual who was privately employed as home help by my father, brought a whole load of her stuff/junk/furniture over and set it up in one of the spare bedrooms, claiming her place was too small. I believe she had ulterior unsavory motives for doing this but that's a whole other story. My father allowed this. However, once she was let go (for a multitude of reasons) I moved in to take care of him. Her stuff remained in that bedroom and I needed to 1) Use that room, and 2) clear out junk in preparation for selling the house. I sent her multiple emails and a couple of voice messages over the course of three months, asking her to come and get her stuff. She never responded. In the fourth month, I took all of it, save for one very large item, in the garage (really a carport, no walls), covered it in a tarp, and then I ran into her in town and told her. She said she'd be there the next day. She never came. Finally (weeks later), I took the large piece of furniture (very heavy, I needed a couple of guys to help me) and put it outside, in the snow. I sent her an email saying her large piece of furniture was outside and she could come and get it from there. Well. Seems this person DOES read her emails after all. She sprung into action, very angry that we'd put this item outside, claiming it had $1000 value, and "you could have at least put it up in the garage." Uh, yeah. You wanted us to break our backs hauling this thing up a long driveway in the snow. The very next day, she sent two men to come and get it. Amazing how easy it was for her once she thought this thing was going to get damaged. And I got another email later that day complaining that all the rest of her stuff, which had now been under a tarp in the carport for about a month, was "mildewy and damaged" and blamed me for not packing it better and "you could have at least moved it to the storage room." Our storage room. I replied to her email with a timeline of all the dates I'd asked her to come and pick up herself, and the date of the conversation in which she was told her stuff was under a tarp outside. I told her she was responsible for her own belongings, and that we were not a free storage facility. Her real motive, I think, was to try to get financial compensation for her "ruined" junk, because that is the kind of thing she does, according to everyone else in the small community. Just saying.....cause in the OP's case, she may find that as soon as this individual thinks her wedding dress is outside exposed to mud, rain, sleet, hail, and thieves, she might make a miraculous appearance.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Erich L-ster on January 05, 2013, 09:49:17 PM
I vote for giving it to a mutual friend to store for another 2 years. (I also want to subscribe to the thread to see the update)
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: magician5 on January 05, 2013, 10:42:42 PM
For five or ten dollars, you can send it Priority Mail Flat Rate in a free box available at your post office. The fee includes delivery confirmation. Problem solved.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Yvaine on January 05, 2013, 11:01:03 PM
For five or ten dollars, you can send it Priority Mail Flat Rate in a free box available at your post office. The fee includes delivery confirmation. Problem solved.

We thought of that!  ;D I think it's too big for even the large flat rate box.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: blarg314 on January 05, 2013, 11:10:53 PM

From a moral and etiquette perspective, I think you'd be perfectly fine to get rid of the dress immediately, in whatever way you wanted (I'd donate it somewhere).

If you want to be 100% sure your friend can't sue you, I'd send her a registered letter indicating that you will be mailing the dress back, and then send it back certified mail.

I have to say, her behaviour is really, really bizarre. I mean, she was at your house, with a car, and  someone mentioned that it was a good time to pick up the dress, and she pretended that nothing was said. That's well beyond the normal friend drops out of contact, and you still have something that belongs to them situation.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: LifeOnPluto on January 05, 2013, 11:25:17 PM
Okay, so based on some suggestions, I did some research in my states laws.  Basically, my former friend gets 30 day notice instead of 14 day notice, and it needs to be sent certified mail.  So I'll write her a note, mentioning the pertinent statute, make a copy of the note, and mail it out tonight or tomorrow certified.  It means keeping the dress for longer than I want to, but this former friend was always talking about suing people, or getting a lawyer, so it's probably for the best to make sure I have a, I hope, firm footing. 

This way, maybe those who think I'm committing the Worst Crime Ever won't have as much to complain about!

I think this is a good plan. Whilst I think that from a moral / etiquette standpoint, you're ok in disposing of the dress, I'd hate for your former friend to stir up any legal trouble for you.

Let us know if there are any developments!
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: problemattic on January 06, 2013, 01:24:46 AM
I think you've been remarkably patient and would be well within your rights to dispose of the dress if she does not make arrangements to retrieve it before your stated deadline.  Certainly, if you have documented your attempts to have her pick the dress up, you can easily prove you gave her ample opportunity, and that she abandoned her property. 

However...the sticky, gooey, disgusting sentimental side of me wishes you would have a mutual acquaintance who is on good terms with the "bride" store the dress, or hold onto it if you truly have the space and yet more patience to spare.  Why?  Although your former friend is obviously not the sentimental sort, perhaps she will have a lovely little daughter who will grow to be a more tenderhearted creature and would love to wear Mom's dress on her walk down the aisle.  My mom had a scorched earth policy when it came to family heirlooms that might collect dust, or impede her frequent vacuuming, and I would kill to have had her dress for my big day.  Alas, it was not to be.  Begone voluminous skirt!  To the rag box with you!

I'm not saying you SHOULD do it.  You have held onto the dress far longer than most would have under the circumstances.  I'm only saying it would be a nice gesture if you can keep it safe somehow, somewhere, just in case some child who probably has not been born yet, and might never be, would love and appreciate it as her mother never did. 

And, yes.  I know I sound foolish, so let's just get that in writing before someone else has to tell me so. 

Regardless of what you choose to do, you should feel proud to be a good friend to a bad friend who really didn't deserve your kindness. 
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: cicero on January 06, 2013, 02:04:11 AM
Okay, so based on some suggestions, I did some research in my states laws.  Basically, my former friend gets 30 day notice instead of 14 day notice, and it needs to be sent certified mail.  So I'll write her a note, mentioning the pertinent statute, make a copy of the note, and mail it out tonight or tomorrow certified.  It means keeping the dress for longer than I want to, but this former friend was always talking about suing people, or getting a lawyer, so it's probably for the best to make sure I have a, I hope, firm footing. 

This way, maybe those who think I'm committing the Worst Crime Ever won't have as much to complain about!
good.

and then let bygones be bygones or Fluffy White Dress be bygones...

I know someone who agreed to store "a few things" in their garage for "a short while" while someone was moving. PS a thousand years later the carp is still in their garage, the people who were moving don't want it (apparently) and it became my friend's issue to dispose of it...
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: katycoo on January 06, 2013, 05:38:32 AM
However...the sticky, gooey, disgusting sentimental side of me wishes you would have a mutual acquaintance who is on good terms with the "bride" store the dress, or hold onto it if you truly have the space and yet more patience to spare.  Why?  Although your former friend is obviously not the sentimental sort, perhaps she will have a lovely little daughter who will grow to be a more tenderhearted creature and would love to wear Mom's dress on her walk down the aisle.  My mom had a scorched earth policy when it came to family heirlooms that might collect dust, or impede her frequent vacuuming, and I would kill to have had her dress for my big day.  Alas, it was not to be.  Begone voluminous skirt!  To the rag box with you!

I was leaning this way a little too (despite the fact that I think you personally are in a very small minority of women who either would want to or feasibly could have due to shape, worn their mother's wedding dress).  My feelings were liked purely to my feelings about my own dress.

But since the OP updated abour the ower's complete lack of interest in taking the dress, while AT THE HOUSE the dress was stored, going for far as to bean dip the conversation, its safe to say she doesn't want it, and someone else shouldn't have to store it in case she has a little girl who one day might want to wear a dress that doesn't mean anything to her mother.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: gramma dishes on January 06, 2013, 09:44:09 AM
...   Her real motive, I think, was to try to get financial compensation for her "ruined" junk, because that is the kind of thing she does, according to everyone else in the small community. ...

Maybe. 

But it's also possible that she hoped to establish that she "lived" there because after all, don't you see, she had lots of her stuff there! 

If she thought your father was either senile or possibly in extremely poor health, I suspect she was hoping for something a little more than replacement value of 'ruined' stuff.  I think she initially thought that ultimately she might end up 'inheriting' the house!  (As you might suspect, I once knew of a similar situation.)
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Giggity on January 06, 2013, 10:46:42 AM
Despite the fact this person doesn't really seem to care about it, given the time frame it has sat at your house, it is still a very sentimental thing.

The fact that the owner "doesn't really seem to care about it" indicates that it is not in fact sentimental at all, let alone very.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: m2kbug on January 06, 2013, 12:21:37 PM
Despite the fact this person doesn't really seem to care about it, given the time frame it has sat at your house, it is still a very sentimental thing.

The fact that the owner "doesn't really seem to care about it" indicates that it is not in fact sentimental at all, let alone very.

That's all me.  The wedding dress is expensive, sentimental, possible heirloom.  Obviously the dress owner doesn't seem to care, but for my own peace of mind, I would want to make sure I did everything in my power to make sure she got the dress back or knew it going to be disposed of because I place such a value on the dress myself.  This way, when/if Dress Girl comes back for it, I wouldn't feel nearly as bad for giving it away, KWIM? 
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Hawkwatcher on January 06, 2013, 02:33:46 PM
At this point, you have taken every reasonable step to return the dress to its owner.  If she does not respond within the 30 days, you should be able to dispose of it any way you please. 

If anyone from the "Worse Crime Ever" crowd gives you a hard time about disposing of the dress after the 30 days, remind them that the former friend cut you off.  Tell them that your options are limited because she wants no contact from you.  You are concerned that she might feel that you are harassing her, if you send her any additional correspondence after the thirty-day period. Besides, you really don't want to have reminders of her after she cut you off.  Tell them the dress reminds you of her and it is better for you emotionally if you no longer have the dress.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: Lady Snowdon on January 09, 2013, 01:48:28 PM
To my total shock, I heard from former friend today!  She does want the dress  ::) and offered several solutions for her to come pick it up, one of which was for me to hang it on my front porch and she will pick it up during the day tomorrow.  I wrote back and told her I would be available today, otherwise her picking it up tomorrow will work.  I'll hang the dress between my screen door and front door, to provide a little protection for it.  So there we go.  Hopefully as of tomorrow night, it will be out of my hands, and she can go back to pretending I don't exist - a win for all!
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: Cat-Fu on January 09, 2013, 02:24:52 PM
Well, I just stumbled on this thread, but I'm glad to hear that you'll be getting the dress out of the house! Looks like a registered letter showed her that you meant Serious Business.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: ------ on January 09, 2013, 02:27:18 PM
I'm very glad for you, LadySnowdon. I can tell you have a kind heart and were dreading the possibility of disposing of the dress in a way other than returning it to its owner - I just hope former friend shows up tomorrow to get the dress!

I think you're well rid of her, and, hopefully, her dress. You deserve so much better than the way she has treated you, and after you stood up for her at her wedding!
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: jedikaiti on January 09, 2013, 02:47:49 PM
To my total shock, I heard from former friend today!  She does want the dress  ::) and offered several solutions for her to come pick it up, one of which was for me to hang it on my front porch and she will pick it up during the day tomorrow.  I wrote back and told her I would be available today, otherwise her picking it up tomorrow will work.  I'll hang the dress between my screen door and front door, to provide a little protection for it.  So there we go.  Hopefully as of tomorrow night, it will be out of my hands, and she can go back to pretending I don't exist - a win for all!

You'll have to let us know if she actually shows up to claim it!
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: NyaChan on January 09, 2013, 03:24:56 PM
Glad she finally woke up to her responsibility.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: gramma dishes on January 09, 2013, 03:40:42 PM
Amazing!  Two years and nothing.  Now -- tomorrow's the day!   ;D

Hope she follows through and doesn't sue you claiming someone else came along and took the dress out from between the doors!!   

It will be interesting to know if you ever hear from her again once she has retrieved her dress.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: rose red on January 09, 2013, 04:37:27 PM
Hope she follows through and doesn't sue you claiming someone else came along and took the dress out from between the doors!!   

This is what I would worry about.  If possible, I would personally hand it to her and have her sign a receipt.  I would not ask a friend to sign anything, but since this person cut you off....
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: katycoo on January 09, 2013, 05:00:36 PM
Hope she follows through and doesn't sue you claiming someone else came along and took the dress out from between the doors!!   

This is what I would worry about.  If possible, I would personally hand it to her and have her sign a receipt.  I would not ask a friend to sign anything, but since this person cut you off....

Even if that happened, it would be the OPs fault how?  Shes following the owners directions!  I wouldn't worry about that.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: Ambrosia Hino on January 10, 2013, 11:06:55 AM
personally, I applaud you for hanging onto it this long! I would've trashed it soon after she stopped talking to me, especially on the grounds of "it can't be that sentimental if she left it here for so long!"

I hope she actually picked it up!
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: Jeremy on January 10, 2013, 11:12:01 AM
You're much more patient than I would have been!
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: gramma dishes on January 10, 2013, 11:14:37 AM
Please let us know if she actually did come by and get it today!
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: Otterpop on January 10, 2013, 11:22:25 AM
Yes, yes, please update!!!
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: ncgal on January 10, 2013, 11:39:02 AM
Hope I am wrong...but something tells me it might still be hanging on your front porch when you get home today.  I mean, she was in your house a few months after your wedding and would not even take it with her then?  Something wrong there....
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...
Post by: zyrs on January 10, 2013, 12:55:09 PM
To my total shock, I heard from former friend today!  She does want the dress  ::) and offered several solutions for her to come pick it up, one of which was for me to hang it on my front porch and she will pick it up during the day tomorrow.  I wrote back and told her I would be available today, otherwise her picking it up tomorrow will work.  I'll hang the dress between my screen door and front door, to provide a little protection for it.  So there we go.  Hopefully as of tomorrow night, it will be out of my hands, and she can go back to pretending I don't exist - a win for all!

Excellent!  Hopefully she shows up.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: Lady Snowdon on January 10, 2013, 04:33:06 PM
The dress is gone!!  I got home, it was nowhere in sight (yay!), checked my email and former friend had emailed me and confirmed she'd picked it up.  Thank goodness!
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: bloo on January 10, 2013, 07:35:41 PM
Good for you! Now that rubbish is gone and you can concentrate on getting the rest of your house cleaned up. Best wishes!
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: Raintree on January 10, 2013, 09:02:56 PM
Good!! But how weird.

I guess once she thought you might throw it out, she got her rear end in gear, because before that, she figured you'd store it for her for free, indefinitely.
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: gramma dishes on January 10, 2013, 09:21:14 PM
 ;D  I love happy endings! 
Title: Re: Torn on what to do...update page 5
Post by: Queen of Clubs on January 11, 2013, 09:00:01 AM
That is good news.  I guess she finally realised she couldn't use you for free storage any longer.  I wonder why she (presumably) assumed you'd keep on holding her dress for her after she dumped you.  You'd think she'd get the dress back first, seeing as she actually wanted it after all!