Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: Roe on January 06, 2013, 04:15:57 PM

Title: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Roe on January 06, 2013, 04:15:57 PM
Sent nephews a card and giftcards for Christmas.  Had to text niece to see if they got it since I've yet to hear anything from nephews.  Not even a "thanks" text...nothing! 

I txted niece to see if they got their cards since I mailed all the card/gifts to the same addresss. (goodSIL's home)  Niece said that nephews picked up their cards and had already used them. 

This might be the last time I ever send them something.  And no, K'nnihave didn't send a thing to my boys but I wasn't expecting it.

I should just follow their lead and pretend they don't exist.  I'm free to do so since they've yet to text a simple "thanks", right? 

I'm really hurt and disappointed that Nephew1 only calls/texts when he needs something from us. And I'm really hurt that Nephew2 doesn't even acknowledge any of us, esp since we opened our home to him last year.  Ah well. 
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: JenJay on January 06, 2013, 04:20:41 PM
Yeah, I'd drop them from my shopping list. I'm really sorry. I was hoping the example their Mom set would have taught them what to avoid, not what to emulate.  :-\
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Hmmmmm on January 06, 2013, 04:25:19 PM
I would not send any future gifts.  I'm not a stickler for thank you'd from my family but I only send gifts to family members with whom I have a good relationship.  It does not sound like you have a relationship with them.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: penelope2017 on January 06, 2013, 04:28:38 PM
Aren't these the nephews that de-friended you from Facebook recently after betraying your trust?

To be honest, I'm not sure why you even sent them Christmas presents. Stop trying. It's obvious this family wants nothing to do with you other than material goods or money you provide. They've made this loud and clear, repeatedly.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Roe on January 06, 2013, 04:28:57 PM
I'm not a stickler about thank you notes.  A verbal 'thanks' is fine with me.  It's a plus to get a phone call or a special hug but really, a text to say "thanks"...is that too much to ask for? 

Nephew1 did call me in November.  He left me a msg asking me a question about Paypal.  Once I answered his question, he said "thanks" hung up and that was that.  No conversation or pleasantries.  I suppose he sees us as people who are here when he needs us but doesn't see us as people he should respect or acknowledge.  I think they both see us that way. 
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: weeblewobble on January 06, 2013, 04:32:20 PM
It seems that K'nnihave has trained them well, despite your efforts to give them good role models.  Yes, I would avoid this debacle next year and devote your resources and energy to people who reciprocate your care.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Amara on January 06, 2013, 04:34:39 PM
I'd suggest dropping them altogether (no gifts, no cards) except what would eHell do for stories?



(Just kidding; drop them and don't give any of them another thought. You tried to model good behavior; it just didn't take.)
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Cattitude on January 06, 2013, 04:34:58 PM
I'm sorry it stinks not to be acknowledged.  I would not be giving any more gifts in the future.  Where are basic manners going these days?  I DRILL manners into my 4 year old and will continue to do so.  Thank you is so easy to say!
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: EMuir on January 06, 2013, 04:51:44 PM
In my family children were never really expected to do the thanking, usually the adults would thank the other adults for giving their kids gifts.  Once my nephews reached the age where they could get a job and in theory buy gifts for me too, I told them we could continue to exchange gifts if they liked.  They didn't want to.  Now that we're all older and they're in their late 20's, we've started exchanging Christmas gifts. So that's nice. There may be a period where you don't give them gifts, but maybe check in once they're older and have more distance from their mother.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Lynn2000 on January 06, 2013, 04:52:42 PM
It is hurtful, to go to the effort of picking out and sending a gift, and then to not have it acknowledged at all. If it were someone with whom you had an otherwise good relationship, you could chalk it up to a quirk or forgetfulness, but since you don't seem to have much in the way of meaningful interactions with them otherwise... Yeah, I would just take them off my shopping list, and stop giving them more thought than they give you.  :-\ Maybe send them a "happy holidays" card if you do those, since that's less effort/money, if you don't want to drop them completely.

I used to spend a lot of time and money sending gifts to my nieces and nephew. At first they were good about thanking me, but that dried up after a while. I tried different strategies--getting them each a magazine subscription, for example, so I only had to think about it and get mad once a year, but they were getting something every month--but I was still irritated. Finally I realized two things: 1) maybe I was actually being the rude one, by forcing on them gifts that they gave no indication of wanting; and 2) I would be so much happier if I just stopped giving them anything. So I did. And I was. And there's been no fallout or comments to me about it at all.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: FauxFoodist on January 06, 2013, 05:34:20 PM
I know you greatly love your nephews and dropping them altogether would likely hurt you more than them so I'd stop buying them gifts, but I see nothing wrong with sending them greeting cards if you want to stay in touch (and hope they'll come around eventually).  If you think that wouldn't work, then stop sending them anything.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: oopsie on January 06, 2013, 07:16:32 PM
Your gifts should have been acknowledged with a thank you. If for no other reason than to not leave you wondering if they got them or not. I too would be satisfied with a quick text to say thank you. If they can't even do that, then I make the assumption that the receiving of the gift is also an inconvenience and put a stop to the exchange from my end as well.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: cicero on January 07, 2013, 01:58:12 AM
<sigh>

I was hoping that since you hadn't posted about this family in  a while, that things were ok

I think you don't have to continue sending gifts. they don't *deserve* gifts, just by virtue of being "roe's nephews". the gifts didn't arrive from some anonymous gift fairy - they came from Auntie Roe. they are old enough to know some basic rules of etiquette.

I think you keep thinking that if you do this or that for them, then they will learn kindness, and they should be - but life doesn't always work this way.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: bopper on January 07, 2013, 08:16:40 AM
You can:

1) Call them up, ask if they received the gift, and gently teach them if they want to get gifts from people, they need to acknowledge and thank people for them or people will say "why bother."

2) Stop sending them gifts at all.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: GrammarNerd on January 07, 2013, 08:55:16 AM
It's a hard and very bitter pill to swallow when you realize that you weren't wanted for you, but merely for the things you could and did provide.  I suspect they still feel 'wronged' from the living arrangement thing and see this (in their own entitled minds) as their due; you always gave a lot before, and you haven't lately, so this is something that they're 'owed'.  So why should they bother to thank you for it?  Auntie Roe always gave us stuff before, but she hasn't given us ANYTHING lately!  It's about time she remembered us!

I have nephews like those.  Disfunctional mother (yes, my own sister) and somewhat of a deadbeat dad who was a nice enough guy, but basically had two topics of conversation: bragging about whatever (winning at the casino was a popular one), or whining that they don't have money for whatever.  It got tiring.  Heard from one nephew once in the past several years, when he wanted me to cosign on a lease for an apartment for him and his girlfriend.  I said that I couldn't do it, and was honest that it didn't make him look good when they didn't even know that their grandmother had died, and then he calls me, essentially for money, two months later.  Guess what?  I haven't heard from him since.  I will be happy to establish contact if they want it, but it won't involve money.

At some point, you have to write them off, even though that sounds harsh.  The relationship isn't there, at least on their side.  It's too bad that they couldn't see what a good thing you were for them, and not just because of the money you doled out.  But that's their lesson to learn.

And no, no more gifts.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Otterpop on January 07, 2013, 09:22:27 AM
Yes, follow their lead.  No more gifts.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Redneck Gravy on January 07, 2013, 09:27:22 AM
I'm not a stickler about thank you notes.  A verbal 'thanks' is fine with me.  It's a plus to get a phone call or a special hug but really, a text to say "thanks"...is that too much to ask for? 


Apparently it is!

I have also cut off gifting a niece & nephew over the same issue.  One of them had the gall to call me and ask if I had sent them a card on their last birthday and I said, "no, I have never heard the words Thank You cross your lips and so I assumed you did not appreciate the gifts and I have stopped sending them."  His reply, "oh, ok" and hung up.

Children learn what they see!
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: White Lotus on January 07, 2013, 10:32:34 AM
I am rethinking verbal thanks.   People who grew up able to thank everyone in person/on family phone call they do not initiate personally can somehow miss that when that does not happen, they need to write a note, pick up the phone, or send an email of thanks, if only to let the giver know the gift was received.  Were I doing it over, I would teach sending written thanks in any form, as a requirement for any gift, so it would become a habit.  My own Sprouts are not as good at thanks as they should be, and I think this is the reason.

Next time, I would be inclined to text them "happy (seasonal holidays of your choice)" and call it good.  If you usually give them something for birthdays or other occasions, I'd text then, too, in lieu of a gift or card.  It feels just a little evil  :), but it might help them learn.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: BeagleMommy on January 07, 2013, 02:19:03 PM
Roe, I'm sorry for the pain this is causing you.  Unfortunately, it seems your nephews learned well at their mother's feet.  I don't think you would be wrong to no longer send gifts.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: DottyG on January 07, 2013, 02:32:51 PM
Quote
I'm free to do so since they've yet to text a simple "thanks", right?

Absolutely.

Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Slartibartfast on January 07, 2013, 02:36:04 PM
I'd send them a card the next few times, actually, because if you don't send anything at all you'll probably get a phone call asking "Where is our present?" and it will cause unnecessary drama.  A card conveys both "I was thinking of you" and "This is all you get."
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: TootsNYC on January 07, 2013, 03:30:39 PM
a card also conveys, "Our relationship is about meaning, not about stuff."

I'd personally suggest you write a note in the card--make it be personal.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Happy2BCF on January 07, 2013, 03:41:32 PM
I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Lynn2000 on January 07, 2013, 04:02:54 PM
I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

I stopped sending gifts to my nieces and nephew after years of never hearing a peep out of them about the gifts. I've never heard anything about it, at all, ever, and whenever I've seen them since they've been perfectly pleasant to me. I, too, wondered if there would be fallout or comments, but there wasn't, thank goodness. And even though at the time I kind of wanted to be pointed about it, I finally decided that stopping the gifts was really for my peace of mind, and I didn't need to involve them at all. My line I had prepared in case anyone said anything was a startled, "Oh, I didn't realize you still wanted/enjoyed them, I never heard anything about them." Because, you know, they wouldn't literally have to say the words "thank you," if they'd ever even mentioned using the gifts in a positive way to me.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: DollyPond on January 07, 2013, 04:09:19 PM
I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

I think that once they reach 16 or so there should be an acknowledgement and thanks for the gifts.  Up until that time maybe the realization hasn't set in?  or maybe I'm being overly generous.

I cut off my nephews when they were 16 or 17 due to lack of acknowledgement not to mention lack of thanks.  I gave them one last chance and when that was a failure as well they got cut off.

I have also cut off by DB and SIL this year for the same reasons (apple doesn't fall far from the tree).  Apparently if I don't send them a Lexus to sit in their driveway with a big red bow the gift is subpar and not worthy of thanks.

Now I suppose I'm the "mean, bad Aunt/Sister"
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Snooks on January 07, 2013, 04:14:55 PM
I say just stop giving them the gifts, you don't need to say anything but a card is a good way to send the message.  The only experience I have of this is my older cousins stopping giving me gifts.  By the time I was born they were just getting their first jobs so I suspect buying for their baby cousin was their way of showing they were all grown up.  Once my eldest cousin was married when I was eighteen we stopped seeing them regularly at Christmas and they stopped buying me gifts.  I always sent a thank you note so it wasn't done with any hard feelings just a recognition that the situation had changed.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Happy2BCF on January 07, 2013, 04:23:38 PM


I think that once they reach 16 or so there should be an acknowledgement and thanks for the gifts.  Up until that time maybe the realization hasn't set in?  or maybe I'm being overly generous.

I cut off my nephews when they were 16 or 17 due to lack of acknowledgement not to mention lack of thanks.  I gave them one last chance and when that was a failure as well they got cut off.

I have also cut off by DB and SIL this year for the same reasons (apple doesn't fall far from the tree).  Apparently if I don't send them a Lexus to sit in their driveway with a big red bow the gift is subpar and not worthy of thanks.

Now I suppose I'm the "mean, bad Aunt/Sister"
[/quote]

I didn't have a problem with the no thanks when they were younger but now that they are all preteens/teens with smartphones/FB accounts etc I'm having a harder time ignoring the lack of thanks.  A quick text or message on FB & I'd be happy.  Or maybe even a "thanks for all the money over the years" when I'm sitting across from them at the dinner table!! (they see me at least once a year when I visit my sister - their grandmother).
I'm still trying to get Christmas gifts sent (it was a very bad December for me) so
maybe I'll just skip them this year & see what kind of reaction - if any - I get.
Thank you for your answers.  It's nice to know I'm not the only person in this boat!

Just saw the post from Snooks.  My cut-off for gifts is 18.  You get a nice big check for your 18th & a nice big check for graduation & then it's no gifts until your wedding.  My nephews starting having too many kids & my bank account couldn't keep up!
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Roe on January 08, 2013, 07:27:28 AM
I like the idea of sending a card, just a card.  This conveys the message that I still care about them but also (I hope) makes them realize that they should appreciate gifts 'cause they are extra and not something they are entitled to. 

To the poster who said that nephews feel entitled to be given money/gifts, I think you are on the right track. That's exactly what it is! 

Heck, my kids thank me for making them dinner (which isn't extra) so for someone not to thank me for going out of my way to get them the giftcard (store isn't close to our house but I know they like to shop there) and then purchasing a Christmas card and then taking the envelopes to the post office and paying for tracking...sorry, but you aren't going to get away with ignoring all of my efforts.

And nephew1's birthday is in Febuary.  He's not getting a gift. 
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: poundcake on January 08, 2013, 11:02:44 AM
I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

After a specific gift was demanded of me that I couldn't give, I finally told my niece and nephew that I was done giving them gifts. I explained that after 15 years of never receiving any sort of acknowledgment, never having anything reciprocated in any way, and always having to do all of the legwork, I was finished. Their mother (SIL) then proceeded to berate me in front of them about how selfish I was and had never really done anything of substance for her or her children. How dare I hurt her babies? And I should never expect anything of her or them because her life was so much harder than mine because she has kids. Frankly, my politeness didn't mean a damned thing in the end because they are all selfish brats. It hurt to realize how little they cared about me in return, but there wasn't much else I could do.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Redneck Gravy on January 08, 2013, 02:24:03 PM
In our family we generally go with the birthday gifts until you graduate from high school and then a graduation gift - after that you are an adult and are "basically" expected to participate in the adult drawing pool or opt out.  This is common knowledge and not some secret kept from all of our children. 

For my nephew I sent money every birthday and Christmas and another check for graduation.  I never received a thank you note, text or phone call for any of the above.  A few months after graduation his birthday passed, he called after his birthday to see if I had sent a card (where's my money is how I took it).  I replied that since I had never heard a thank you for any of the previous gifts I didn't think he appreciated them and there would be no more.  Then I called his mother and asked her to explain the situation to him (no thank you's through the years and that he was now expected to participate in the drawings or opt out and asking why he did not know this as her other children did). 

My niece also received money for birthdays and Christmas.  Since there was some estrangement drama in our family during the last Christmas prior to her graduation I told my SIL that was handing her the money that I expected to at least get a text thanking me for the money or there would not be any more and SIL relayed that message to her.  Still no word, so no more gifts.  She recently married at a civil ceremony (with no prior information being sent out and still no formal announcement) and my SIL said that niece had mentioned not receiving any monetary gifts.  SIL replied that (1) how was anyone supposed to know other than FaceBook and (2) she had never thanked anyone previously and quite frankly that puts some relatives off, therefore they don't continue to gift ungrateful snowflakes.   I have no idea what her gimme plan is now.  My daughter is friends with her on FB and said she still plans to have a big white wedding.   

We used to joke that once the kids moved up to the "grown up" table they lost their birthday gifts so it's not like this is some secret practice in our family.  All of my children and my brother's children know this.  Some of my sister's kids know this and apparently some do not, that's on her IMO. 

Some nieces and nephews have become gimme brats and I have given all I'm gonna.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: DollyPond on January 08, 2013, 02:40:58 PM
I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

After a specific gift was demanded of me that I couldn't give, I finally told my niece and nephew that I was done giving them gifts. I explained that after 15 years of never receiving any sort of acknowledgment, never having anything reciprocated in any way, and always having to do all of the legwork, I was finished. Their mother (SIL) then proceeded to berate me in front of them about how selfish I was and had never really done anything of substance for her or her children. How dare I hurt her babies? And I should never expect anything of her or them because her life was so much harder than mine because she has kids. Frankly, my politeness didn't mean a damned thing in the end because they are all selfish brats. It hurt to realize how little they cared about me in return, but there wasn't much else I could do.

Are you secretly my sister??? 

That sounds exactly like my SIL who thinks that the mere fact that she gave birth to my 2 nephews entitles her to royal treatment no matter how she (or anyone else in their family) treats you in return.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: onyonryngs on January 08, 2013, 02:47:15 PM
It's your choice whether or not to give them gifts.  You don't need permission to stop.  But how old are these kids?  Are they young enough that you're just punishing them for their parents' neglect to teach them these things?  Also, don't hold the grudge too long, they are kids and should be given a 2nd chance eventually if you do stop giving gifts.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Lorelei_Evil on January 08, 2013, 02:56:42 PM
I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

After a specific gift was demanded of me that I couldn't give, I finally told my niece and nephew that I was done giving them gifts. I explained that after 15 years of never receiving any sort of acknowledgment, never having anything reciprocated in any way, and always having to do all of the legwork, I was finished. Their mother (SIL) then proceeded to berate me in front of them about how selfish I was and had never really done anything of substance for her or her children. How dare I hurt her babies? And I should never expect anything of her or them because her life was so much harder than mine because she has kids. Frankly, my politeness didn't mean a damned thing in the end because they are all selfish brats. It hurt to realize how little they cared about me in return, but there wasn't much else I could do.

Are you secretly my sister??? 

That sounds exactly like my SIL who thinks that the mere fact that she gave birth to my 2 nephews entitles her to royal treatment no matter how she (or anyone else in their family) treats you in return.

I think I might be your cousin.  I have a cousin who seems to possess the Progeny of the Golden Womb, therefore we mere mortals are simply cash registers. 

Roe, you've done so much for those boys, no one can begrudge you not sending them more stuff. 
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: wolfie on January 08, 2013, 03:00:37 PM
It's your choice whether or not to give them gifts.  You don't need permission to stop.  But how old are these kids?  Are they young enough that you're just punishing them for their parents' neglect to teach them these things?  Also, don't hold the grudge too long, they are kids and should be given a 2nd chance eventually if you do stop giving gifts.

My nephews are 1 and 2 and if I don't hear from my sister that the christmas gifts arrived by Jan 31 I am not going to send them anything again. Yes they are too young to do it themselves and I feel like I am punishing them, but I also am getting sick of sending things into a black hole and never even knowing if they arrived at all. How good of a relationship can I develop with them if there is no feedback? I feel bad about it but in the end I don't want to end up angry every year. FYI - the gifts were sent so they should have arrived before christmas but I still haven't heard wether they arrived or not.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Lynn2000 on January 08, 2013, 03:35:54 PM
It's your choice whether or not to give them gifts.  You don't need permission to stop.  But how old are these kids?  Are they young enough that you're just punishing them for their parents' neglect to teach them these things?  Also, don't hold the grudge too long, they are kids and should be given a 2nd chance eventually if you do stop giving gifts.

I do think this is a good point. At least, maybe you (general) won't having a gifting relationship with them, but you could still have a positive emotional relationship with them, maybe as they get older and more independent. Giving all those unacknowledged gifts really soured my opinion of my nieces and nephew and their parents (not unreasonably). Once I stopped sending the gifts, and a little time had passed, I felt a lot better about them. I wasn't investing as much time, effort, and money into them, so they had a much lower bar to hit for me to feel okay with the relationship.

This sounds like I'm excusing them for not thanking me; I'm not. I'm just saying, I was unhappy with the lack of balance in the relationship, and since they wouldn't reach "up," I dropped "down," if you see what I mean, and I feel like a new balance has been achieved, which I'm content with. Now that the kids are getting older and starting to go to college, I hope maybe I can have a more adult-to-adult emotional relationship with them. I have no intention of sending them gifts again any time soon, though. I wouldn't rule it out forever and ever, but we're going to have to get a lot closer, and they'll have to show me that they've matured a lot more, before I try that again. But I don't think ill of them still.

It's hard when the kids are young and their house just seems to be a black hole, except for when they or their parents demand more.  :( I've never encountered that situation personally but it would be really unpleasant. I think you have to figure that you're probably not really "punishing" the kids--they will most likely get gifts and necessities from other people, like their parents. If you really suspect they are not getting anything, if you don't send it, there are other strategies you can try, but I think that's a different situation.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Roe on January 08, 2013, 07:27:01 PM
For those wondering, nephew1 will be 20 next month and nephew2 will be 18 this year. They aren't little kids who don't know better. I've excused their behavior long enough. 

No more gifts from me. Cards, yes.  But no more gifts.  And I finally realized, I don't feel bad about it.  :D
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Otterpop on January 08, 2013, 08:48:21 PM
No more gifts from me. Cards, yes.  But no more gifts.  And I finally realized, I don't feel bad about it.  :D

Yay!!!  And you shouldn't.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Amara on January 08, 2013, 09:32:47 PM
Don't be surprised, Roe, if they contact you after they get the card and demand to know ask if you forgot to enclose their gift cards.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: magicdomino on January 09, 2013, 04:53:36 PM
It's your choice whether or not to give them gifts.  You don't need permission to stop.  But how old are these kids?  Are they young enough that you're just punishing them for their parents' neglect to teach them these things?  Also, don't hold the grudge too long, they are kids and should be given a 2nd chance eventually if you do stop giving gifts.

My nephews are 1 and 2 and if I don't hear from my sister that the christmas gifts arrived by Jan 31 I am not going to send them anything again. Yes they are too young to do it themselves and I feel like I am punishing them, but I also am getting sick of sending things into a black hole and never even knowing if they arrived at all. How good of a relationship can I develop with them if there is no feedback? I feel bad about it but in the end I don't want to end up angry every year. FYI - the gifts were sent so they should have arrived before christmas but I still haven't heard wether they arrived or not.

I cut off one young great-grandnephew because no one ever let me know if he got his gifts.  Throwing gifts into a black hole is exactly how I describe it.  It doesn't have to be a written thank you note; it doesn't even need to be a phone call.  Both the child's mother, and her mother, with whom she lives, had my email address. They could forward gludge and urban legends, but not say, "We got the gift."   ???

My rule for the other great nieces and nephews is that you get Christmas gifts as long as you are in school full-time, and/or are under 22.  After that, you need to get a job and buy your own stuff.   ;)
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: snappylt on January 09, 2013, 06:27:42 PM
For those wondering, nephew1 will be 20 next month and nephew2 will be 18 this year. They aren't little kids who don't know better. I've excused their behavior long enough. 

No more gifts from me. Cards, yes.  But no more gifts.  And I finally realized, I don't feel bad about it.  :D

Roe, I think I remember reading some threads from a few years ago about how their mother used to take advantage of you and how you put a stop to that.  From what you have said here, I think I agree that you'd be fine to stop the gifts.  Period.

Here's an option I see.  You could decide to try to use this as a teachable moment, if you think that might help your nephews.  That is, you could gently explain to them why you've decided to stop the gifts.  It is possible that they might learn about the need to thank people.  (Honestly, I suspect that they won't get it.  But maybe you'd feel better if you tried to teach them.)
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Nox on January 09, 2013, 06:46:45 PM
Quote
For those wondering, nephew1 will be 20 next month and nephew2 will be 18 this year. They aren't little kids who don't know better. I've excused their behavior long enough. 

Do they know they've crossed the divide into adult expectations? I'm not saying you should give them any more gifts, but sometimes people of that general age range need to be told that they're in a different group now and what the new rules that apply to them are.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Roe on January 09, 2013, 06:58:05 PM
Quote
For those wondering, nephew1 will be 20 next month and nephew2 will be 18 this year. They aren't little kids who don't know better. I've excused their behavior long enough. 

Do they know they've crossed the divide into adult expectations? I'm not saying you should give them any more gifts, but sometimes people of that general age range need to be told that they're in a different group now and what the new rules that apply to them are.

Yes, they do.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Texas Mom on January 10, 2013, 03:59:56 PM
I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

I had an Auntie (great aunt) who cut off everyone because she didn't get ty notes from my siblings and many of my cousins.   She told the parents of the children to communicate the fact to their spawn.

My favorite cousin & I were the only ones upset by it.  We always wrote our ty notes and sent her chatty letters about family matters every few months.  Even though it stung, I continued sending Auntie letters until she died - I don't know if cousin did or not.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: joraemi on January 12, 2013, 09:16:19 AM
2013:  Roe's year of No.

 (sequel to Roe's summer of No, a popular and inspiring story enjoyed by many....)
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: strawbabies on January 12, 2013, 09:13:29 PM
I certainly hope 2013 is the start of the Lifetime of No.
Title: Re: No more gifts for nephews?
Post by: Snooks on January 14, 2013, 05:39:38 AM
2013:  Roe's year of No.

 (sequel to Roe's summer of No, a popular and inspiring story enjoyed by many....)

2013: The No Must Go On.

(sorry I couldn't resist and now I have Queen stuck in my head)