Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: Pandora on January 19, 2013, 11:50:46 PM

Title: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Pandora on January 19, 2013, 11:50:46 PM
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/01/dear_prudence_my_white_boyfriend_said_the_n_word.2.html  :o

 I hope this will not become a fad. But I can't help wondering .... if it does will it extend to other events? Wedding/baby showers, children's birthday parties, family get-togethers?  :o
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: poundcake on January 20, 2013, 01:20:35 AM
Pandora, your comment about "I hope this will not become a fad" etc combined with the title of the article is quite special indeed!  >:D

On-topic, though, I think that DSTD cards/announcements are indicative of the most Bridezillaish of mentalities: that everyone else's life revolves around THE WEDDING.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: jeni on January 20, 2013, 01:33:56 AM
What a truly awful concept  :o
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: LifeOnPluto on January 20, 2013, 01:51:03 AM
Truly horrible. If I ever received one of those, I'd be more than happy to stay away!
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: NbyNW on January 20, 2013, 01:57:28 AM
This is unbelievable! I'll have to admit that, while I might be disappointed if a friend chose not to invite me to their wedding, if they went out of their way to inform me that I was not welcome I would probably be reassessing our friendship.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: magician5 on January 20, 2013, 04:04:43 AM
Simple solution: send a response card politely saying "Thanks for the 'don't save the date' card. I wasn't planning to."
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: laud_shy_girl on January 20, 2013, 04:40:50 AM
Does anyone else think this is a blatantly gimme tacktick.

"They are not invited but if I send a DSTD card, then they know when the wedding is and can send me a gift."

Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: auntmeegs on January 20, 2013, 07:45:31 AM
Simple solution: send a response card politely saying "Thanks for the 'don't save the date' card. I wasn't planning to."

LIKE  ;D
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Momiitz on January 20, 2013, 08:20:37 AM
The link no longer works.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Klein Bottle on January 20, 2013, 08:38:38 AM
What a positively awful trend!  I agree that it seems to be part and parcel of the Bridezilla Entitlement Complex, in that everyone else's life is supposed to revolve around The Wedding Of The Century.    ::)
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: QueenofAllThings on January 20, 2013, 09:23:46 AM
The most offensive part is that not only are you not invited, but that you get the 'joy' of doing chores with the bride. In other words "You don't make the cut, but you are good enough to act as staff.  You are blessed!"

Seriously, where do these brides one from? Who raised them? Is ANYONE that myopic?!?  :o
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Thipu1 on January 20, 2013, 09:39:59 AM
I think Prudie answered this one pretty well.  It's an awful idea and the suggestion of 'throwing a bone' to the uninvited by asking them to help with the planning is just rubbing salt into the wound. 
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Kimberami on January 20, 2013, 09:46:44 AM
I wonder how many of these cards are sent with a  gift registry? 
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: doodlemor on January 20, 2013, 10:38:02 AM
Such an offensive idea!   

I wonder if someone in the "wedding industrial complex" thought this up, to sell more cards.  Beware of this group.

Perhaps the things could be made even more expensive, if they were turned into musical cards that played "Nah - nah - nah - nah - nah - nah when opened.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Amava on January 20, 2013, 11:28:25 AM
I think this would work as a reply to a card that says "You are sadly not invited to my wedding."
(http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/33611043.jpg)
 ;)
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Minmom3 on January 20, 2013, 11:46:53 AM
I think that may be the best use of Grumpy Cat I've seen to date...
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: gramma dishes on January 20, 2013, 12:10:21 PM

...   Perhaps the things could be made even more expensive, if they were turned into musical cards that played "Nah - nah - nah - nah - nah - nah when opened.

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: GreenEyedHawk on January 20, 2013, 12:22:08 PM
I would definitely be questioning that friendship.  Like a PP said, I would just take a lack of invitation to mean I'm not invited.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Pandora on January 20, 2013, 12:45:41 PM
Does anyone else think this is a blatantly gimme tacktick.

"They are not invited but if I send a DSTD card, then they know when the wedding is and can send me a gift."

 There was a previous use of this concept in an entry submitted a number of years ago. The gift issue is addressed.

 Anyway, this is today's Dear Abby column. I don't know if you can use it, but if nothing else, it's a good read !

Thanks again for a fun site !

Mrs. Dorrie J.

DEAR ABBY:

Get a load of this pre-wedding announcement. It was delivered via my mailbox at work. I thought I had seen it all, but this takes the cake. With a former co-worker like this, I'm happy I didn't win their lottery. If you print this, please delete all names and addresses. I still work with friends of this couple. - HAPPY TO LOSE THE LOTTERY

DEAR HAPPY: Your enclosure is a first, and I must admit I have  never seen anything quite like it. Read on: "Dear Friends of 'Elmer' and 'Gladys': Our wedding will be a  small but poignant affair held at a log home in the woods in beautiful southern Wisconsin. Due to the physical nature of the  wedding area, there will not be enough space for all the friends and relatives we would dearly love to invite. "After pondering a number of alternatives, we decided that a lottery would be the most equitable manner of dealing with the  space/disappointment problem. We have, indeed, already held
 this lottery with your name included, but alas, it is our sad duty to inform you that your name does not appear on the winners list. Nevertheless, our good wishes go out to you, and
 when our gift from you arrives at the address below, we will thank you in absentia.

"With regrets and respect, ELMER SMITH AND GLADYS JONES"

READERS: Care to comment?

Dorrie's comment : Great ! I could afford a gift of absentia...  >:D
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Pandora on January 20, 2013, 12:47:24 PM
The link no longer works.

Dear Prudence,
Recently I received two separate announcements letting me know that Iím not invited to the wedding of a friend. Both of these came out of the blue; I had not precipitated them by asking if I was going to get an invitation. Apparently, itís a trend for brides and grooms to tell people who didnít make the cut that they arenít going to witness the special day. (Google "How to tell someone you're not inviting them to your wedding.") I have no idea how to respond. It seems churlish to say that Iím relieved, but itís also awkward to admit my feelings were hurt. Please help.

óA Perplexed Nonwedding Guest
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Emmy on January 20, 2013, 12:52:05 PM
Does anyone else think this is a blatantly gimme tacktick.

"They are not invited but if I send a DSTD card, then they know when the wedding is and can send me a gift."

 There was a previous use of this concept in an entry submitted a number of years ago. The gift issue is addressed.

 Anyway, this is today's Dear Abby column. I don't know if you can use it, but if nothing else, it's a good read !

Thanks again for a fun site !

Mrs. Dorrie J.

DEAR ABBY:

Get a load of this pre-wedding announcement. It was delivered via my mailbox at work. I thought I had seen it all, but this takes the cake. With a former co-worker like this, I'm happy I didn't win their lottery. If you print this, please delete all names and addresses. I still work with friends of this couple. - HAPPY TO LOSE THE LOTTERY

DEAR HAPPY: Your enclosure is a first, and I must admit I have  never seen anything quite like it. Read on: "Dear Friends of 'Elmer' and 'Gladys': Our wedding will be a  small but poignant affair held at a log home in the woods in beautiful southern Wisconsin. Due to the physical nature of the  wedding area, there will not be enough space for all the friends and relatives we would dearly love to invite. "After pondering a number of alternatives, we decided that a lottery would be the most equitable manner of dealing with the  space/disappointment problem. We have, indeed, already held
 this lottery with your name included, but alas, it is our sad duty to inform you that your name does not appear on the winners list. Nevertheless, our good wishes go out to you, and
 when our gift from you arrives at the address below, we will thank you in absentia.

"With regrets and respect, ELMER SMITH AND GLADYS JONES"

READERS: Care to comment?

Dorrie's comment : Great ! I could afford a gift of absentia...  >:D

Emmy's reply.

In light of tough economic times this country is going through, I have decided I can only afford some gifts for special occasions.  I have already preformed a lottery and I am sorry to inform you that your wedding does not appear on the winners gift and my sad duty to report I will not send you a gift.  That takes some nerve, still asking for a gift.

I would also re-evaluate a 'friendship' with somebody who sent out a 'your not invited' card.  And they wouldn't be getting a gift.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: gramma dishes on January 20, 2013, 12:57:44 PM

...   Emmy's reply.

In light of tough economic times this country is going through, I have decided I can only afford some gifts for special occasions.  I have already preformed a lottery and I am sorry to inform you that your wedding does not appear on the winners gift and my sad duty to report I will not send you a gift.  ...

LOL!  Love this!   ;D
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Aquamarine on January 20, 2013, 01:46:07 PM
Egads, the self absorbed things people do never ceases to absolutely amaze me!  By sending these cards out they are telling me that they believe all these people even wanted to be invited in the first place.  If the couple is this self absorbed in other areas of their lives I can only imagine there was a loud collective sigh of relief heard when the cards were opened.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Jocelyn on January 20, 2013, 05:28:01 PM
Doesn't 'poignant' carry a meaning of 'somewhat bittersweet'? So their wedding is supposed to be poignant because the guests are to be thinking about those who didn't make the cut?

I enjoyed the brief fantasy of sending the couple a notice that they weren't invited to every party I gave, henceforth...
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: AngelBarchild on January 20, 2013, 08:00:53 PM
I think this would work as a reply to a card that says "You are sadly not invited to my wedding."
(http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/33611043.jpg)
 ;)

I love grumpy cat way more than I should. I just want to sit with that cat and be grumpy together.  >:(
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: LifeOnPluto on January 20, 2013, 08:44:16 PM
Doesn't 'poignant' carry a meaning of 'somewhat bittersweet'? So their wedding is supposed to be poignant because the guests are to be thinking about those who didn't make the cut?

I enjoyed the brief fantasy of sending the couple a notice that they weren't invited to every party I gave, henceforth...

Yes, I thought that "poignant" was an odd word choice too!
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: nuit93 on January 21, 2013, 01:33:31 AM
I think this would work as a reply to a card that says "You are sadly not invited to my wedding."
(http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/33611043.jpg)
 ;)

I love grumpy cat way more than I should. I just want to sit with that cat and be grumpy together.  >:(

Me too.  I want to sit and give that kitty pettins and scritches and talk baby talk to it.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Margo on January 21, 2013, 04:38:21 AM
Wow.

I wonder whether the 'successful' guests were told they only got invited because their names were first out of the hat? I think it's almost as insulting to them as to the 'losers'.

And the blatant gift grab makes the rudeness of specifically telling people you are not inviting them even worse.

The only situations I can think of when it's acceptable to tell someone they are not invited are:
1. Where they specifically ask, and it isn't practical or effective to bean-dip
2. Where something happens meaning you can't invite someone who would originally have been invited, but now won't be, where that person had been told they were going to be invited. (and I think this depends very much on circumstances. I can think of situations when giving someone an explanation as to why you can't invite them is better than simply not inviting them, even though strict rules of etiquette may be broken)
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: GoTwins on January 21, 2013, 07:30:24 AM
Does anyone else think this is a blatantly gimme tacktick.

"They are not invited but if I send a DSTD card, then they know when the wedding is and can send me a gift."
This is the first thing that popped into my mind. And, sadly, it wouldn't surprise me. I wouldn't even send a card to the "lovely" couple.

And now I have to go google "grumpy cat".   ;D
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: SpikeMichigan on January 21, 2013, 08:46:50 AM

 That's hilarious.

 You know what, I can see perhaps, if you were getting married in a tiny, tiny ceremony, having a word with some good friends and letting them know the deal, so they weren't disappointed when the invite never came.

 But a don't save the date card is just.....odd.

 I'm not sure if its relevant, but this reminds me of something my parents told me about. Years ago, there was some kind of official turkey supper in the village, wherein it was very clear cut who was invited and who was not. What eventually sprang from this was a social event called NITS (Not Invited to the Turkey Supper). It would probably be seven different shades of bad manners, but I'd be tempted to host an event for all those poor souls who had their lack of invitation thrown in their faces in this way.

Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: heartmug on January 21, 2013, 10:27:40 AM

...   Emmy's reply.

In light of tough economic times this country is going through, I have decided I can only afford some gifts for special occasions.  I have already preformed a lottery and I am sorry to inform you that your wedding does not appear on the winners gift and my sad duty to report I will not send you a gift.  ...

LOL!  Love this!   ;D

Me too!
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: White Lotus on January 21, 2013, 11:01:40 AM
The mind boggles!  None of mine are planning weddings yet, but I hope to goodness they never hear of anything so utterly tacky and ill-mannered.  People keep inventing "new" ways (sneeze into your sleeve -- gross!) to replace perfectly adequate conventions that already exist (handkerchiefs, tissues, sinks).  Announcements, people, announcements! 
Keep your wedding about your commitment to each other, get over the idea that your *WEDDING* is the Social Event of the Century, have a meaningful ceremony you can afford, and send proper announcements after the fact.  Not rocket science.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Slartibartfast on January 21, 2013, 11:45:40 AM
Owe Deer Lowered.

I always thought the way to have a small wedding was to, you know, plan a small wedding.  Then you can tell people you're getting married "in June" instead of a specific date, and if they ask for the date you can say "We're doing it on the 12th - my grandparents are letting us use their backyard and it's just going to be us and our parents for a tiny little ceremony.  Doesn't it sound exciting?"  So you're not saying "You're not going to be invited," but you're not implying anyone needs to save the date either.  If they're close enough to ask the date, they're close enough to get a description of the plan (read: small).
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Tea Drinker on January 21, 2013, 02:09:20 PM
The mind boggles!  None of mine are planning weddings yet, but I hope to goodness they never hear of anything so utterly tacky and ill-mannered.  People keep inventing "new" ways (sneeze into your sleeve -- gross!) to replace perfectly adequate conventions that already exist (handkerchiefs, tissues, sinks). 

That's great, if the person has a clean handkerchief or tissue, or is near enough to a sink. If someone who doesn't sneezes or coughs while riding the subway, say, or at the supermarket, I'd rather they get germs on their sleeves, or on their bare elbows, than on the hands that they will then use to pick up groceries and handle money.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Rohanna on January 21, 2013, 02:18:06 PM
Sneezing into your sleeve is not new, and handkercheifs are not ideal for stopping the spread of germs.

http://news.discovery.com/human/health/cover-your-cough-120906.htm

Sneezing into your hands, or into a reusable cloth, allows germs to get onto your hands, and then from there to touch everything you come across all day. How often do you touch the inside of your elbow onto public surfaces?
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: BeagleMommy on January 24, 2013, 11:14:29 AM
This is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen.  It takes tacky to a whole new low.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Yvaine on January 24, 2013, 11:43:16 AM
The mind boggles!  None of mine are planning weddings yet, but I hope to goodness they never hear of anything so utterly tacky and ill-mannered.  People keep inventing "new" ways (sneeze into your sleeve -- gross!) to replace perfectly adequate conventions that already exist (handkerchiefs, tissues, sinks).  Announcements, people, announcements! 

This is a medical/epidemiological trend (hence I won't elaborate too much) rather than an etiquette one--they're sort of in separate realms.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: POF on January 24, 2013, 11:56:10 AM
I think this would work as a reply to a card that says "You are sadly not invited to my wedding."
(http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/33611043.jpg)
 ;)

I love grumpy cat way more than I should. I just want to sit with that cat and be grumpy together.  >:(

Me too ... she looks like she needs a cuddle
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Winterlight on January 24, 2013, 03:42:00 PM
Owe Deer Lowered.

I always thought the way to have a small wedding was to, you know, plan a small wedding.  Then you can tell people you're getting married "in June" instead of a specific date, and if they ask for the date you can say "We're doing it on the 12th - my grandparents are letting us use their backyard and it's just going to be us and our parents for a tiny little ceremony.  Doesn't it sound exciting?"  So you're not saying "You're not going to be invited," but you're not implying anyone needs to save the date either.  If they're close enough to ask the date, they're close enough to get a description of the plan (read: small).

Exactly. That's how it's done by polite people. DSTD is both rude and arrogant- rude in telling people they aren't invited, arrogant in assuming that people are panting to go.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Pandora on January 28, 2013, 12:31:59 PM
 I also wonder ..... do you make up a list like those who get invitations?  :o
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Winterlight on January 29, 2013, 09:04:23 AM
Maybe they make one big list of all possibles, then separate it out as Saves or Don't Saves.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Mikayla on January 29, 2013, 11:27:52 AM
Sometimes I wonder if even half of these are true.  The internet is a dangerous place, indeed!

In my real life, I just don't encounter stuff like this, nor have I heard of anyone who has. 
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Pigeon on January 30, 2013, 07:10:04 AM
I clicked the link provided in Prudie's answer.  It contained other useful wedding invite info, such as "Make sure to include a date for your RSVPs."  Good save: I was going to put RSVP WYFLI (when you feel like it)!   ;)
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: jedikaiti on January 30, 2013, 03:55:39 PM
Does anyone else think this is a blatantly gimme tacktick.

"They are not invited but if I send a DSTD card, then they know when the wedding is and can send me a gift."

 There was a previous use of this concept in an entry submitted a number of years ago. The gift issue is addressed.

 Anyway, this is today's Dear Abby column. I don't know if you can use it, but if nothing else, it's a good read !

Thanks again for a fun site !

Mrs. Dorrie J.

DEAR ABBY:

Get a load of this pre-wedding announcement. It was delivered via my mailbox at work. I thought I had seen it all, but this takes the cake. With a former co-worker like this, I'm happy I didn't win their lottery. If you print this, please delete all names and addresses. I still work with friends of this couple. - HAPPY TO LOSE THE LOTTERY

DEAR HAPPY: Your enclosure is a first, and I must admit I have  never seen anything quite like it. Read on: "Dear Friends of 'Elmer' and 'Gladys': Our wedding will be a  small but poignant affair held at a log home in the woods in beautiful southern Wisconsin. Due to the physical nature of the  wedding area, there will not be enough space for all the friends and relatives we would dearly love to invite. "After pondering a number of alternatives, we decided that a lottery would be the most equitable manner of dealing with the  space/disappointment problem. We have, indeed, already held
 this lottery with your name included, but alas, it is our sad duty to inform you that your name does not appear on the winners list. Nevertheless, our good wishes go out to you, and
 when our gift from you arrives at the address below, we will thank you in absentia.

"With regrets and respect, ELMER SMITH AND GLADYS JONES"

READERS: Care to comment?

Dorrie's comment : Great ! I could afford a gift of absentia...  >:D

"Oh, we never got your gift! Was it lost in the mail?"

"My gift never received an invitation - I assumed it lost the lottery as well."
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Twik on January 30, 2013, 03:58:09 PM
I think this would work as a reply to a card that says "You are sadly not invited to my wedding."
(http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/33611043.jpg)
 ;)

Now I want a DNSTD just so I can reply with this.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Minmom3 on January 30, 2013, 04:01:59 PM
Yeah, the urge is almost unbearable, isn't it!  Also fits that T-shirt I've seen  "Good news!  They've found the center of the universe!  Bad news!  It's NOT you!"
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: furrcats on January 30, 2013, 04:14:11 PM
Best post of the thread  :)
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: gramma dishes on January 30, 2013, 04:18:02 PM

"Oh, we never got your gift! Was it lost in the mail?"

"My gift never received an invitation - I assumed it lost the lottery as well."


LOL!   ;D
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: GreenEyedHawk on February 01, 2013, 07:13:27 PM
I think what bugs me most about this (though it bugs me for a lot of reasons) is, like Winterlight said, the implication that I must be feverishly hovering over my mailbox in unbearable anticipation of receiving my invitation.
Title: Re: Dear Prudence .... For those not invited, DSTD notices
Post by: Minmom3 on February 01, 2013, 09:56:24 PM

"Oh, we never got your gift! Was it lost in the mail?"

"My gift never received an invitation - I assumed it lost the lottery as well."


LOL!   ;D

BAZINGA!!!