Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: gena264 on February 03, 2013, 12:24:45 PM

Title: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gena264 on February 03, 2013, 12:24:45 PM
I had a previous post titled "help in dealing with sister", and now I have an update and some additional advice is requested. Thanks to all who responded in the previous thread, it helped a great deal .

After I sent her that last email where I attempted to explain myself she wrote back. She basically said the same things she said before, not in so many words, but made the comment that it's been hard for EVERYONE to respect the decisions and 'mistakes that you and DH made". Then she said . 'not just one decision , but a series of decisions".

In my last email I brought up my older brother and sister in a very minor way as an example, saying nothing negative about that. She told me that I , "Clearly do not know these people anymore.  Older brother (who was formally on the family 'black list') is now great and he has raised a , ' wonderful, self sufficient , successful daughter with her head on good and straight and he is raising a lovely young man." Which reads to me that she is saying , Brother has done a much better job than you, HIS DD is perfect!". It should be noted that this DD we are talking about (mine and my sister's niece) was previously on the 'black list ' as well  and now all of a sudden they are cleared and perfect. She went on to say that our other sister has hardly any flaws at all and is constantly working on bettering herself.
"
THEN she decided to ask me , "Why did DH apologize to your DD if you guys think you didn't raise her wrong? I am confused? Are you saying you did or didn't do right by DD?"  For one, she has absolutely no idea what DH (or I ) apologized to DD for. She has no business asking me these personal questions after I told her one email previously that I would NOT discuss how I raised DD with her.

She also said some other minor things , such as referring to her and everyone else in the family as the people in " DD's circle" .

I sent her this email back , " I feel I owe it to you to let you know that this discussion is now over for me. It is sad, but it is clear to me that we will not be able to repair our relationship. I think it is best that we stop trying. I wish you nothing but the best , (her name) ."

She responded back , " I am disappointed to hear that . Why did you decided to stop trying? You hurt me why are you shutting me out because I hurt you?I don't think you should close the door on me just yet. I tried to be respectful. I think you are ending this discussion because it isn't easy for you. "

I did not respond back. Comments? Advice? Suggestions?
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: LeveeWoman on February 03, 2013, 12:50:11 PM
I'd stick her in a black hole and not look back.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: doodlemor on February 03, 2013, 01:10:49 PM
Stop reading her emails - she's nuts!

Can you block her emails, send them to a folder that you never open?

Would it be a lot of trouble to close that email account, and open another?

You don't deserve such treatment from your sister, or from the rest of your family.  Just make some gentle overtures to your daughter - at some point she is likely to recognize the truth.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: cicero on February 03, 2013, 01:17:47 PM
I'd stick her in a black hole and not look back.
more or less, this.

and if i were in your shoes, if there was any relationship i would put any energy into repairing - ti would be the one with your DD . maybe not now, but hopefully someday down the road. with your sister it is clear that between you two the communications is just.not.there.

Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: LilacGirl1983 on February 03, 2013, 01:18:00 PM
This sound maybe a bit rough but I would let go of the past. By that I mean you need to make a choice. Either include her in your life and not bring up the past as painful as it was or cut her out and be done. Its obvious she doesn't see what she and other does as wrong and you are getting nothing out of it except hurt feelings. I don't think it was right of them to back stab you or be cruel but at the same time your daughter is part of the blame since she dramatized things and agreed with the "running away"
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: JenJay on February 03, 2013, 01:19:53 PM
She is waaaay too enmeshed in your relationship with your DD. It doesn't even sound like she wants a relationship with you but rather wants an opportunity to lecture you over your alleged parenting mistakes while bragging about how she's supposedly "saved" your daughter. You don't need that.

My advice is this - You've said what you have to say and unfortunately nothing improved. Prepare yourself for an "extinction burst" from your sister (and possibly other relatives?), explain to your DD that you aren't able to maintain a relationship with the extended family right now *but* you don't want that to effect your relationship with her, and try to put this behind you and move on.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: NyaChan on February 03, 2013, 01:52:46 PM
This sound maybe a bit rough but I would let go of the past. By that I mean you need to make a choice. Either include her in your life and not bring up the past as painful as it was or cut her out and be done. Its obvious she doesn't see what she and other does as wrong and you are getting nothing out of it except hurt feelings. I don't think it was right of them to back stab you or be cruel but at the same time your daughter is part of the blame since she dramatized things and agreed with the "running away"

I agree with this.  Your family is reacting to what your DD has told them.  They aren't going to see your side of things ever because the reality they know is of your daughter running away to them and whatever she told them when your relationship with her was at its worst, so odds are its pretty prejudicial information.  If you have a better relationship with your DD now than you did in the past, hold on to that and focus on it.  Ignore your sister for the time being, as she is still stuck in the drama of the past. 
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: Cutenoob on February 03, 2013, 02:15:12 PM
could you provide a link, please?
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: twiggy on February 03, 2013, 02:28:54 PM
could you provide a link, please?

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=124496.0 (http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=124496.0)

I would simply refuse to discuss anything with sister. Make no response to her emails. Is there a real-life situation where you might be cornered by her? If she's there in person, I would recommend a cut and paste response: "that's between me and DD"

Don't you agree that you were a terrible parent?
That's between me and DD
You and DH made a lot of mistakes.
That's between us and DD
Are you saying you did or didn't do right by DD?
That's between me and DD.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gena264 on February 03, 2013, 02:29:31 PM
Stop reading her emails - she's nuts!

Can you block her emails, send them to a folder that you never open?

Would it be a lot of trouble to close that email account, and open another?

You don't deserve such treatment from your sister, or from the rest of your family.  Just make some gentle overtures to your daughter - at some point she is likely to recognize the truth.

I could block her emails. I know I probably should. She is also on my facebook page and if I delete her , that will cause further drama, which I know she wants.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gena264 on February 03, 2013, 02:31:05 PM
could you provide a link, please?

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=124496.0 (http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=124496.0)

I would simply refuse to discuss anything with sister. Make no response to her emails. Is there a real-life situation where you might be cornered by her? If she's there in person, I would recommend a cut and paste response: "that's between me and DD"

Don't you agree that you were a terrible parent?
That's between me and DD
You and DH made a lot of mistakes.
That's between us and DD
Are you saying you did or didn't do right by DD?
That's between me and DD.

Luckily, sister lives many states away, as do the rest of my family. So there is no chance I would see her in person.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: twiggy on February 03, 2013, 02:34:06 PM
Stop reading her emails - she's nuts!

Can you block her emails, send them to a folder that you never open?

Would it be a lot of trouble to close that email account, and open another?

You don't deserve such treatment from your sister, or from the rest of your family.  Just make some gentle overtures to your daughter - at some point she is likely to recognize the truth.

I could block her emails. I know I probably should. She is also on my facebook page and if I delete her , that will cause further drama, which I know she wants.

If you don't want to delete her, you can use the privacy settings so that you don't see what she posts, and she can't see your posts. Then, if she tries to pm you, just delete it without reading.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: Tea Drinker on February 03, 2013, 02:35:15 PM
POD the suggestions to block her emails (or possibly send them to a special folder, and maybe get a trusted friend to check on them, if you think you might want them for something later).

Also, if that is what counts as "trying to be respectful" in her world, she needs some remedial courses (in either English or interpersonal relationships). But there is no point pursuing "if you are trying to be respectful, you may want to know that you are failing" or even "if you really want to treat me respectfully, you will do A, B, C..." (a much more eHell-approved phrasing) with someone who you've decided to cut off for good and sufficient reason.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gena264 on February 03, 2013, 02:37:15 PM
This sound maybe a bit rough but I would let go of the past. By that I mean you need to make a choice. Either include her in your life and not bring up the past as painful as it was or cut her out and be done. Its obvious she doesn't see what she and other does as wrong and you are getting nothing out of it except hurt feelings. I don't think it was right of them to back stab you or be cruel but at the same time your daughter is part of the blame since she dramatized things and agreed with the "running away"

Yes DD is definitely to blame as well.  I just figured that my parents, having raised 3 teen girls previously, would have a little sense that they are prone to exaggeration. Of course making me the bad guy fulfilled their agenda, so they chose to have no objectivity in what DD said. I actually tried with my sister only, to let go of the past in the sense that I  was willing to have a relationship with her despite all that happened.. She keeps finding a way to bring up all the negativity ...and yes you are right, she feels she did nothing wrong. Well actually she said she knows what she did was wrong before, then changed it around when I turned down her request to be a mediator.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: Winterlight on February 03, 2013, 02:39:09 PM
Stop reading her emails - she's nuts!

Can you block her emails, send them to a folder that you never open?

Would it be a lot of trouble to close that email account, and open another?

You don't deserve such treatment from your sister, or from the rest of your family.  Just make some gentle overtures to your daughter - at some point she is likely to recognize the truth.

I could block her emails. I know I probably should. She is also on my facebook page and if I delete her , that will cause further drama, which I know she wants.

If you don't want to delete her, you can use the privacy settings so that you don't see what she posts, and she can't see your posts. Then, if she tries to pm you, just delete it without reading.

This. And stop responding. You aren't going to "win" in that she's not going to magically admit you're right, so drop the rope and walk away. You sent a final email. Responding to her makes it not final anymore.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gena264 on February 03, 2013, 02:46:47 PM
Stop reading her emails - she's nuts!

Can you block her emails, send them to a folder that you never open?

Would it be a lot of trouble to close that email account, and open another?

You don't deserve such treatment from your sister, or from the rest of your family.  Just make some gentle overtures to your daughter - at some point she is likely to recognize the truth.

I could block her emails. I know I probably should. She is also on my facebook page and if I delete her , that will cause further drama, which I know she wants.

If you don't want to delete her, you can use the privacy settings so that you don't see what she posts, and she can't see your posts. Then, if she tries to pm you, just delete it without reading.

This. And stop responding. You aren't going to "win" in that she's not going to magically admit you're right, so drop the rope and walk away. You sent a final email. Responding to her makes it not final anymore.

Thanks, you are right. It is hard to not want to respond and defend myself... and maybe psychoanalyze all of them as well (and boy I could write a book ) , but you are right.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gena264 on February 03, 2013, 02:49:15 PM
She is waaaay too enmeshed in your relationship with your DD. It doesn't even sound like she wants a relationship with you but rather wants an opportunity to lecture you over your alleged parenting mistakes while bragging about how she's supposedly "saved" your daughter. You don't need that.

My advice is this - You've said what you have to say and unfortunately nothing improved. Prepare yourself for an "extinction burst" from your sister (and possibly other relatives?), explain to your DD that you aren't able to maintain a relationship with the extended family right now *but* you don't want that to effect your relationship with her, and try to put this behind you and move on.

Thanks. I haven't spoken to any of my other family members (older sister, parents) in about 4 years so there is no loss there with them. I think my younger sister will  be the one to probably start drama from this . Hopefully she wont include DD in this as well.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: FauxFoodist on February 03, 2013, 03:20:58 PM
Bean dip or silence on the forbidden topic entirely.  As I've said previously in my own recent experience with my toxic sister, the only option that worked was to ignore her attempts to engage on the topic.  I've kept my sanity as a result and am still open to a relationship with her.  Your sister sounds like mine because she wants to say everything she has to say, negate anything from you that contradicts her, won't let it go and won't admit she's at all wrong and won't look at things from a perspective other than her own.  The only winning move I see for you is zero response or zero response on the topic.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: PastryGoddess on February 03, 2013, 03:23:56 PM
Send her emails directly into a folder in your mailbox so that you don't even see them.

You don't owe her or anyone else an explanation of your actions.  Honestly, if your sister is not going to see your facebook posts and vice versa, I don't see why you can't defriend her.  It might cause drama, but you know what, she'll cause drama no matter what.  If someone brings up the fact that you defriended her, then you can ask them how it's any of their business.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gramma dishes on February 03, 2013, 03:30:13 PM
She's already causing drama.  How is defriending her going to make that any worse? 

I agree with the direct cut route, even though I know it's hard and not the result you really truly wanted and hoped for.  But this is just driving you nuts and will continue to drive you nuts as long as you continue to attempt to have dialogue with her.  She is just one of those people who has to insist that they're right about EVERYTHING and that everyone else is wrong and she won't rest until she hears you say that.  If you're smart, she'll never hear those words.

So sorry you're having to deal with this.  It's sad.   :-\
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: weeblewobble on February 03, 2013, 04:06:54 PM
She's using a very standard post-rebuke response from toxic people, the "But I've forgiven you for the many nebulous hurts that I can't really name right now, so you have to forgive me!"  It's a manipulation, pure and simple.  And it doesn't matter than she doesn't think you should close this door, you're closing it.  You don't need her permission.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: Iris on February 04, 2013, 01:26:12 AM
Podding weeblewobble and gramma dishes. If you block her emails and facebook, then it won't matter if she starts drama because you won't know about it. Let her have her drama with the rest of your family while you live in blissful, blissful ignorance of it. Seriously, what could she possibly do to you that is worse than she is doing now?

Your family seems to have some kind of twisted dynamic where someone has to be the bad guy. Now that your brother and his DD are not, that role has been filled by you. (I'm curious - did they used to say similar things about them as they are now saying about you guys?) The only way to win that game is to not play.

So, personally, I would cut off all contact with your sister. I would contact your DD and let her know that you hope it will not affect your relationship with her but you are no longer going to have contact with the extended family. And honestly, DD has reached adulthood and at some stage will have to decide whether she is going to buy into the whole toxic mess or walk away clean. Modelling good behaviour and self respect in this may be the best parenting choice you ever make.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: Roe on February 04, 2013, 07:01:48 AM
You are digging yourself into a bigger hole by continuing to discuss things with her.  She's drawing you back in. 

And TBH, that might be the whole point of her new relationship with you.  She just wants to draw you in, back to the toxic family. 

It's up to you whether or not you let her.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gena264 on February 04, 2013, 07:56:17 AM
She's already causing drama.  How is defriending her going to make that any worse? 

I agree with the direct cut route, even though I know it's hard and not the result you really truly wanted and hoped for.  But this is just driving you nuts and will continue to drive you nuts as long as you continue to attempt to have dialogue with her.  She is just one of those people who has to insist that they're right about EVERYTHING and that everyone else is wrong and she won't rest until she hears you say that.  If you're smart, she'll never hear those words.

So sorry you're having to deal with this.  It's sad.   :-\

Thank you gramma dishes. She will never hear me say she is right. I know that is her goal, it really is sad.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gena264 on February 04, 2013, 08:05:15 AM
She's using a very standard post-rebuke response from toxic people, the "But I've forgiven you for the many nebulous hurts that I can't really name right now, so you have to forgive me!"  It's a manipulation, pure and simple.  And it doesn't matter than she doesn't think you should close this door, you're closing it.  You don't need her permission.

That was what struck me as odd, her saying that I hurt her too , so she feels why can't she hurt me? It does seem ,ike a form of manipulation. I did not hurt her in any way during our email conversations..unless me saying , " I am not interested in hearing you psychoanalyze my DD' qualifies as hurting her. And something else I forgot to mention in our previous email exchange. She brought up her son (2years old) at the end of a sentence as something she was disturbed about. It was written like this , " I would like to have a relationship with you but I am disturbed about how DD is and how you don't ask about my child. " .  I asked her what in the world she meant by that? I had never met her son, I always responded to his pictures she would post on facebook saying how cute he is (and he is cute) . I guess I was supposed to email her and ask about him when we are estranged? And even more interesting , she was the one who NEVER asked about DD , forgot a lot of her birthdays, only talked to her on Christmas (until this whole drama started) . I never said anything to her about it because it really didn't bother me.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: yokozbornak on February 04, 2013, 08:06:13 AM
Podding weeblewobble and gramma dishes. If you block her emails and facebook, then it won't matter if she starts drama because you won't know about it. Let her have her drama with the rest of your family while you live in blissful, blissful ignorance of it. Seriously, what could she possibly do to you that is worse than she is doing now?

Your family seems to have some kind of twisted dynamic where someone has to be the bad guy. Now that your brother and his DD are not, that role has been filled by you. (I'm curious - did they used to say similar things about them as they are now saying about you guys?) The only way to win that game is to not play.

So, personally, I would cut off all contact with your sister. I would contact your DD and let her know that you hope it will not affect your relationship with her but you are no longer going to have contact with the extended family. And honestly, DD has reached adulthood and at some stage will have to decide whether she is going to buy into the whole toxic mess or walk away clean. Modelling good behaviour and self respect in this may be the best parenting choice you ever make.

I just wanted to quote the bolded for truth.  I have seen this dynamic played out in my family many times.  Someone always has to be the bad guy, the black sheep, the crazy one, etc.  I moved away and stopped playing the game a long time ago.  I am now mostly the bad guy because I refuse to have a relationship with certain toxic family members.  Instead of realizing that these family members have serious issues, it's easier for certain people (namely my mom) to tell me how I need to forgive and move on and then to continue to enable their bad behavior.  When these family members get angry with each other, suddenly I am sooo smart for cutting them off and am back in my mom's good graces.  This is why I have to keep my mom at arm's length, and I refuse to have a cconversation about family members with her. 

It sounds like this is what is being played out in your family.  You need to establish extremely firm boundaries with your sister and refuse to engage in conversations that make you uncomfortable or you need to cut or off directly.  I imagine of your boundaries are firm enough, she will probably be the one to cut you off because you aren't giving her any ammunition.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gena264 on February 04, 2013, 08:15:52 AM
Podding weeblewobble and gramma dishes. If you block her emails and facebook, then it won't matter if she starts drama because you won't know about it. Let her have her drama with the rest of your family while you live in blissful, blissful ignorance of it. Seriously, what could she possibly do to you that is worse than she is doing now?

Your family seems to have some kind of twisted dynamic where someone has to be the bad guy. Now that your brother and his DD are not, that role has been filled by you. (I'm curious - did they used to say similar things about them as they are now saying about you guys?) The only way to win that game is to not play.

So, personally, I would cut off all contact with your sister. I would contact your DD and let her know that you hope it will not affect your relationship with her but you are no longer going to have contact with the extended family. And honestly, DD has reached adulthood and at some stage will have to decide whether she is going to buy into the whole toxic mess or walk away clean. Modelling good behaviour and self respect in this may be the best parenting choice you ever make.

Yes, they did so similar things with my brother , his wife and their DD. Their whole family drama started about 15-16 years ago. My parents, brother and his family , older sister and younger sister were having Thanksgiving at my parents house. My mom (and step dad) are (and have always been as long as I could remember) functioning alcoholics. They have great jobs, don't drink on the job, they just come home and drink. Dad would go through a 6 pack of beer a night, sometimes more. Mom would come home and have two glasses of wine while cooking dinner, two glasses during/after , then start on the bourbon or whatever else. Because of this I refuse to drink at all. So mom was tipsy or drunk or something when she decided to give niece (who was very young at the time, maybe 3?) a piece of turkey that had a bone in it. My brother got very upset and yelled don't give her that! Mom yelled back and stormed off in her car. She didn't come back until after my brother's family left. After this incident , mom never apologized , and bad mouthed brother for years. She would not visit him or his family for years, dad went by himself. Dad would come back from the visit saying Niece is troubled or niece has this or that issue, that the family would pick apart and analyze.  They wouldn't dream of 'recusing ' niece though. Her personally is loud and boisterous and not easily swayed. My DD on the other hand is quiet and used to be easily swayed. Plus she admired my younger sister and thought everything she said was gold .

I hope my DD will realize how toxic it is over there but somehow I don't hold out hope. I actually think that this new drama will make me look worse in DD's eyes, at least in the moment, because sister will spin it that I am not trying with her . And in a sense , walking away from sister , is NOT trying, I just am not sure DD will understand the real reason since she doesn't see how they are over there. Yet.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gena264 on February 04, 2013, 08:21:39 AM


It sounds like this is what is being played out in your family.  You need to establish extremely firm boundaries with your sister and refuse to engage in conversations that make you uncomfortable or you need to cut or off directly.  I imagine of your boundaries are firm enough, she will probably be the one to cut you off because you aren't giving her any ammunition.
[/quote]

Yes, this is sadly how my family is as well. I have tried to keep sister at arms length. I suppose I could continue to do that, but I think it would be exhausting to wait for her to decide it is time to stir up drama. And , I am not sure I could trust myself to not think that THIS might be the time I can finally work things out with my sister in a respectful way. She doesn't have to agree with how I parented DD, she just needs to stop telling me her negative assumptions and opinions.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: Bethalize on February 04, 2013, 08:26:23 AM
And in a sense , walking away from sister , is NOT trying

The only way to win is not to play.

The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

You can't change other people, you can only change your own actions.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gena264 on February 04, 2013, 08:30:08 AM
You are digging yourself into a bigger hole by continuing to discuss things with her.  She's drawing you back in. 

And TBH, that might be the whole point of her new relationship with you.  She just wants to draw you in, back to the toxic family. 

It's up to you whether or not you let her.

Yes, that is what she is doing. I see that now. I had hoped I was wrong. After she sent the first email telling me she was sorry, they were unfair in how they treated DH and I , etc  , etc, I told my DH maybe enough time has passed now that we can move past this. I felt relieved that my sister validated my feelings and seemed to finally care about me and not just attack me . Then, when I turned down her offer as mediator, she showed her true colors...and started back up.. so I guess if I allowed her to be mediator, that would have satisfied her enough that she wouldn't attack me again.. at least until things didn't go according to plan with the mediation. Toxic all the way around.

Thanks to all the helpful advice and suggestions from all of you , I am more aware of this and can come back here and re-read what you all had to say. I have definitely decided to not allow her to draw me in further.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: gena264 on February 04, 2013, 08:36:06 AM
And in a sense , walking away from sister , is NOT trying

The only way to win is not to play.

The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

You can't change other people, you can only change your own actions.

Yes VERY true, thank you ! I admit I got sucked back in. I wanted things to work with my sister. She was always very special to me , especially when we were young. Another poster in the previous thread ( Cami, I believe) told me that I need to look at how my relationship with my sister is NOW, not how it was.  That was the most difficult part, wanting to be as it was, but like Cami said, it can not be that way again. So knowing that as well as realizing the dynamic will not change and is toxic , it is time for me to change my actions by not responding to her again.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: GrammarNerd on February 04, 2013, 09:14:20 AM
Yeah, I agree....just don't play.

My sister was one of those who always had to be on the outs with someone.  Someone was her best friend (and to listen to her tell it, that BFF-of-the-month person could practically walk on water!), and then a few months later...can you believe what that *#)$*#( did?  It was really hard to keep up with her and to know who was in her good graces or not. 

And she would change her mind about something to suit whatever mood she was in.  Luckily (and I still wonder how this happened), I had her number at a very young age.  I had a period of time, like 7-8 years, where we didn't speak.  It was blessedly peaceful. 

OP, I have to say that it really sucks for you that your whole family is like this, and they essentially 'stole' your daughter and brought her to the dark side.  Hopefully, she'll see the drama for what it is at some point.  I hope you can rekindle a good relationship with her, apart from all of your other drama-llama relatives.
Title: Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
Post by: War_Doc on February 04, 2013, 09:31:54 AM
This goes beyond etiquette and into family counseling.  Your last few topics have been more in line with relationship advice (with your family) then actual etiquette things.  Since we only know one side and we don't know the dynamics of your family,  it makes it rather unfair to sit and judge from that perspective.  Regardless, I would recommend seeking out a qualified family counselor since the problem seems to originally stem from your DD's departure and the reasons behind that.