Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: snowdragon on February 19, 2013, 03:35:31 PM

Title: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: snowdragon on February 19, 2013, 03:35:31 PM
I like to go to the Y every day, to this end I have a master key membership ( so I can go to any Y in the district) and my bag packed and kept in the car with a swim suit and clean clothes at all times. ( the clean clothes are due to a medical condition that sometimes means I need to change ASAP)

  One of the people I go out with on the weekends wants to go to the Y, too, but usually "forgets" her stuff, so I have started carrying an extra swimsuit in the car for anyone who needs to borrow it.  I have no problem taking the suit home after use and washing it for next time.  She has several times tried to take the suit home with her, but if she does I will never see it again. ( This has happened before with things I've borrowed her.)

  I have told her that if she does not want to come to the Y to tell me when we are making plans and I will go alone and we'll just start our outings later, as the class time is set.  But she insists that she's just forgetful.

   She is put out that I will not just give her the suit to keep,  and that if I let her wear it, it belongs to her.  She has come right out and said that I am "rude to take it back after giving it to her".  When I let her use it I made sure to tell her that the suit was mine, but I would let her use it for the class and then I wanted it back. I even told her in so many words that I wold take care of laundering it after she used it. She still insists that my letting her use it and expecting it to be returned is "rude".
    For my part I am simply going to start making plans after the class with  her to avoid the conflict, but I thought the idea of "you let me use it - it now belongs to me" would be an interesting conversation here. So what say you, am I rude,  is she or is this just a case of differing belief systems and neither is rude?
 
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: onyonryngs on February 19, 2013, 03:36:43 PM
Of course it's not rude to want your suit back.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Judah on February 19, 2013, 03:38:44 PM
It's not rude to want your suit back, but...

I consider bathing suits to be like underwear and would never share them. Maybe your friend also thinks bathing suits are like underwear and figures once she's worn it, it's hers because you don't share underwear.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Mental Magpie on February 19, 2013, 03:40:07 PM
You made it clear you were lendin it to her. It is rude of her to keep insisting you let her have it. Due to that, I wouldn't let her borrow it at all anymore. She can buy her own.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: onyonryngs on February 19, 2013, 03:40:50 PM
It's not rude to want your suit back, but...

I consider bathing suits to be like underwear and would never share them. Maybe your friend also thinks bathing suits are like underwear and figures once she's worn it, it's hers because you don't share underwear.

If that was her thinking, wouldn't she decline to wear a used swim suit then? 
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Giraffe, Esq on February 19, 2013, 03:41:34 PM
Not rude.  A loan is not a gift.

I think the best solution would be not to bring the extra swimsuit next time.  If she can't be bothered to bring her own, she can sit and wait until class is over to hang out with you after class. 

It's your choice whether to avoid confrontation, claiming you "forgot it", or to tell her outright that, "Every time I loan it to you, you nag me to give it to you.  It seems the only way to avoid the nagging is to not loan you the suit at all."
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: rose red on February 19, 2013, 03:43:45 PM
Are you rude if you loaned someone your car and expect it back?  You are fine.  She, not so much.  I would no longer be loaning her a suit if that's her attitude.  She should be thanking you instead of scolding you for daring to take back your property.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Judah on February 19, 2013, 03:47:58 PM
It's not rude to want your suit back, but...

I consider bathing suits to be like underwear and would never share them. Maybe your friend also thinks bathing suits are like underwear and figures once she's worn it, it's hers because you don't share underwear.

If that was her thinking, wouldn't she decline to wear a used swim suit then?

Well, I would, but we're talking about someone who thinks when something is loaned to her, it becomes hers, so who knows.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Cat-Fu on February 19, 2013, 03:49:41 PM
If I were you, I'd start "forgetting" your extra suit.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Shortylicious on February 19, 2013, 03:53:33 PM
Wow! You are a really generous friend to be loaning out a swimsuit!
I think this woman is rude to continue to nag you about the suit after you have told her repeatedly that it is  a loan and not a gift. If it were me, I'd stop loaning her the suit and just prevent all this hassle. And I'd be 100% honest as to why!
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Sheila Take a Bow on February 19, 2013, 04:00:06 PM
OP, you're being really generous.  But I agree with others that it's time to stop loaning the suit out to your friend.  She's taking advantage of your generosity.

I'm one of those that doesn't loan or borrow swimsuits.  So if I did borrow one (a brand-new one), I'd try to keep it but I'd also be handing you a check to reimburse you for the suit.  It sounds like your friend just wants the suit without giving you anything.

And if you did give her the suit, and the next week she "forgot" her suit again, would she expect to use your spare again?

I think that if she has no suit to borrow, she'll learn pretty quickly to either pass on the class or to bring her own suit.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: LazyDaisy on February 19, 2013, 04:04:21 PM
I think she gets the concept of a loan just fine but since it doesn't benefit her, she's learned to play dumb and make up new rules that do benefit her. You're fine in what you are doing. She sounds like a person who believes that if you (general you) have an "extra" of something, you are obligated to pass it on to someone who does not; and conversely those without (mostly her) are entitled to your extras. This is the telling line "but if she does I will never see it again. (This has happened before with things I've borrowed her.)" If you wish to continue going to the gym with her, and you're feeling especially generous, give her a deadline to provide her own suit. "Friend, I can loan you my suit this next time only, after today, you will need to bring your own." And then leave your suit at home or stashed away in your car. Myself, I would cut it off immediately and "forget" the suit on the very next trip. Is she a guest on your gym pass too, does she "remember" her own towel at least? If she has her own gym membership, she may be claiming the suit as hers so she can also use it when you aren't together.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Deetee on February 19, 2013, 04:15:31 PM
This is one of the times I need to read twice to see if I am understanding what's going on because the behaviour is baffling that I simply don't get it.

I suppose I would also never go through the trouble of keeping a swimsuit for someone because, as far as I am concerned, if someone wants to swim, they will bring their own suit. (Oh I would drag along a spare if someone asked beforehand but not as anything regular)

I think the avoiding swimming with her plan sounds good.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: sweetonsno on February 19, 2013, 04:20:24 PM
Hmm. While I think she is incorrect, I do understand where she is coming from. It sounds like you're lending her the same suit every single time she takes the class. From her perspective, it's probably a case of "She's letting me use this swimsuit every time I want it, why doesn't she just give it to me?" or something like that. Because she sees that you have and use a different suit, and you always have this other suit available for her, she probably assumes that you don't need/use the spare.

I think your tactic of making plans that don't involve the class is the best way to go here.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: VorFemme on February 19, 2013, 04:42:26 PM
I like to go to the Y every day, to this end I have a master key membership ( so I can go to any Y in the district) and my bag packed and kept in the car with a swim suit and clean clothes at all times. ( the clean clothes are due to a medical condition that sometimes means I need to change ASAP)

  One of the people I go out with on the weekends wants to go to the Y, too, but usually "forgets" her stuff, so I have started carrying an extra swimsuit in the car for anyone who needs to borrow it.  I have no problem taking the suit home after use and washing it for next time.  She has several times tried to take the suit home with her, but if she does I will never see it again. ( This has happened before with things I've borrowed her.)

  I have told her that if she does not want to come to the Y to tell me when we are making plans and I will go alone and we'll just start our outings later, as the class time is set.  But she insists that she's just forgetful.

   She is put out that I will not just give her the suit to keep,  and that if I let her wear it, it belongs to her.  She has come right out and said that I am "rude to take it back after giving it to her".  When I let her use it I made sure to tell her that the suit was mine, but I would let her use it for the class and then I wanted it back. I even told her in so many words that I wold take care of laundering it after she used it. She still insists that my letting her use it and expecting it to be returned is "rude".
    For my part I am simply going to start making plans after the class with  her to avoid the conflict, but I thought the idea of "you let me use it - it now belongs to me" would be an interesting conversation here. So what say you, am I rude,  is she or is this just a case of differing belief systems and neither is rude?
 

Quit loaning her swimsuits.

If you are in the USA - www.swimsuitsforall.com has suits from size 6 to 26 - if she can't find a suit to fit from the clearance section (under $30 for most sizes, sometimes under $20 for the size 14 & under) - then she can wait until she finds one....or start to carry one in her own vehicle, tote bag, or purse.....

Because you are not going to loan her anything else - not so much as a cheap hair band to put her hair in a ponytail....when the bands were 20 for $1 at the local dollar store.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Ornery on February 19, 2013, 04:45:10 PM
If I were you, I'd start "forgetting" your extra suit.

This. 
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: jaxsue on February 19, 2013, 05:03:19 PM
Hmm. While I think she is incorrect, I do understand where she is coming from. It sounds like you're lending her the same suit every single time she takes the class. From her perspective, it's probably a case of "She's letting me use this swimsuit every time I want it, why doesn't she just give it to me?" or something like that. Because she sees that you have and use a different suit, and you always have this other suit available for her, she probably assumes that you don't need/use the spare.

I think your tactic of making plans that don't involve the class is the best way to go here.

The problem is, if I read the OP correctly, that the friend is in the habit of not bringing a swimsuit, and that things that go to friend's house disappear in a black hole.

So if the OP decided to let the friend take the suit home, it seems likely she'd never see it again.

General comment: OP, I'd start "forgetting" the spare suit. Maybe a bit of natural consequences would help your friend take responsibity for herself. Can you tell I've been through something similar?  :)
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: JenJay on February 19, 2013, 05:18:09 PM
If I were you, I'd start "forgetting" your extra suit.

Me too!
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Lindee on February 19, 2013, 05:25:51 PM
Quote
If I were you, I'd start "forgetting" your extra suit.

Me too.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: rose red on February 19, 2013, 05:28:50 PM
Even if the OP gives her the suit, I can see it taken home and never seen again.  And the friend still expecting the OP to give her yet another backup suit because she "forgot" again during the next class.  It sounds like she's using the OP for supplies so she doesn't have to buy her own or lug it around.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Slartibartfast on February 19, 2013, 06:02:37 PM
"Sorry, Friend, I don't have an extra suit right now.  I let a friend borrow it and she never gave it back, can you believe it?  We can go walk the track instead, if you don't have a suit."
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: rose red on February 19, 2013, 06:06:13 PM
"Sorry, Friend, I don't have an extra suit right now.  I let a friend borrow it and she never gave it back, can you believe it?  We You can go walk the track instead, if you don't have a suit."

 ;)  >:D
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: LazyDaisy on February 19, 2013, 06:14:43 PM
lol. That would convey both that she has to provide her own suit and also that the "extra" suit is not used by her exclusively (if she didn't already know). Might make her rethink wanting to use it altogether.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: rose red on February 19, 2013, 06:19:50 PM
lol. That would convey both that she has to provide her own suit and also that the "extra" suit is not used by her exclusively (if she didn't already know). Might make her rethink wanting to use it altogether.

Ewwww.  That's a good point.  Next time she calls you rude and demand that you give her the suit, say "That's not possible.  I keep it to loan out to anyone who forgot theirs.  It's been a lifesaver for quite a few people already.

eta: Of course, I'm a wimp and would just tell her I don't have an extra suit today.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Carotte on February 19, 2013, 06:22:03 PM
I vote for forget the suit next time.
At least around here there's always a vending machine inside the swimming pool selling suits, swim cap and even googles I think. They're really basic stuff but in a pinch I'm sure they're pretty usefull - if you have the same thing point it out to her, she might have forgotten her suit but hey, she can buy her own right now!
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Thipu1 on February 19, 2013, 07:24:01 PM
A decent swimsuit is not cheap.  It isn't like borrowing a pair of gym shorts and not returning them. Even glomming onto something like that would be a bit much.

If the OP's friend doesn't bring her own work-out gear, she doesn't work out.  It's as simple as that.  She needs to be told firmly but politely that this is not going to continue. 

Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: LifeOnPluto on February 19, 2013, 08:44:31 PM
A decent swimsuit is not cheap.  It isn't like borrowing a pair of gym shorts and not returning them. Even glomming onto something like that would be a bit much.

If the OP's friend doesn't bring her own work-out gear, she doesn't work out.  It's as simple as that.  She needs to be told firmly but politely that this is not going to continue.

Exactly. I think the OP has been extremely generous in letting her friend continually borrow the swimsuit. I agree with the idea of "forgetting" to bring it, in future.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Craftymom on February 19, 2013, 08:45:49 PM
I would not go with this friend to the Y anymore.
Also, absolutely NO extra ANYthing gets brought with you. You can tell friend that you don't want to be rude, so you have stopped loaning her things..
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: KenveeB on February 19, 2013, 08:56:34 PM
I agree that you need to stop lending her the suit asap. If she forgets hers, oh, sorry, I guess you won't be able to do the class today. It's HER problem. Stop making it yours.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Raintree on February 19, 2013, 09:07:31 PM
You made it clear you were lendin it to her. It is rude of her to keep insisting you let her have it. Due to that, I wouldn't let her borrow it at all anymore. She can buy her own.

Same here. I wouldn't feel inclined to lend her anything ever again.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Amara on February 19, 2013, 09:13:37 PM
Any just why can't she keep a swimsuit of her own in her own trunk?

Let her think ahead too. You shouldn't have to change your habits to avoid her greediness repeated requests.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: snowdragon on February 19, 2013, 09:15:10 PM
Any just why can't she keep a swimsuit of her own in her own trunk?

Let her think ahead too. You shouldn't have to change your habits to avoid her greediness repeated requests.

She does not drive, I pick her up and I have no idea why she does not pack her suit the night before when I tell her I am going to the class.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Amara on February 19, 2013, 09:18:04 PM
Then maybe you might want to just tell her that you are no longer keeping an extra suit in your car (even if you still are). If she doesn't remember to bring hers then she's just out of luck. Don't put yourself in the position of reminding her either; if she wants to swim, especially because you are nice enough to pick her up, then she needs to take the responsibility of bringing what she needs with her.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: sammycat on February 19, 2013, 09:18:14 PM
I would stop lending the the swimsuit.  For all she knows, you might be lending it to someone else in between the times she wears it.

If it's that important to her that she have one/goes for a swim, then she can provide her own.

A bit OT, but I can't imagine wearing someone else's swimming costume; it'd be like wearing someone else's underwear. The thought is completely revolting to me, but that's probably a different issue to the one at hand.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: snowdragon on February 19, 2013, 09:23:08 PM
Then maybe you might want to just tell her that you are no longer keeping an extra suit in your car (even if you still are). If she doesn't remember to bring hers then she's just out of luck. Don't put yourself in the position of reminding her either; if she wants to swim, especially because you are nice enough to pick her up, then she needs to take the responsibility of bringing what she needs with her.

I started telling her what I was planning before had because she wanted to bring her kids to everything. I am a single adult and don't want to hang out in toddler friendly places all the time. So my "compromise" was to start telling her ahead of time what I was doing and if the kids were welcome. Then she could decide it she wanted to get a sitter or stay home, but I refused to let her kids needs dictate my recreation time.  ( And yes, they do come sometimes,  just not every single time.  Usually, tho I am hard pressed to figure out what a toddler would like to do, so I let her suggest those outing, even if I transport the whole gang.)
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Mental Magpie on February 19, 2013, 09:23:44 PM
I would stop lending the the swimsuit.  For all she knows, you might be lending it to someone else in between the times she wears it.

If it's that important to her that she have one/goes for a swim, then she can provide her own.

A bit OT, but I can't imagine wearing someone else's swimming costume; it'd be like wearing someone else's underwear. The thought is completely revolting to me, but that's probably a different issue to the one at hand.

As long as it has been washed (and I trust the person giving it to me have actually washed it), neither would bother me in the least.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: White Lotus on February 19, 2013, 09:43:25 PM
I agree with Mental Magpie.  We keep a collection of old but clean and decent suits for guests.  Perhaps they aren't nice enough to provoke "theft" but there will likely be one in the collection that fits any given guest, and it goes in the washer when the guest is done.  Not a problem for me as host or guest.

Why aren't you getting the suit back from her, spun and in its little plastic bag, before you leave the Y?

You could make your spare one of your old, ratty suits you can almost see through, one that's about to dissolve, demand it back when you leave the Y, and never have any other suit available. Or stop carrying an extra suit.  Or just stop going with her.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: KenveeB on February 19, 2013, 09:50:05 PM
I agree with Mental Magpie.  We keep a collection of old but clean and decent suits for guests.  Perhaps they aren't nice enough to provoke "theft" but there will likely be one in the collection that fits any given guest, and it goes in the washer when the guest is done.  Not a problem for me as host or guest.

Why aren't you getting the suit back from her, spun and in its little plastic bag, before you leave the Y?

You could make your spare one of your old, ratty suits you can almost see through, one that's about to dissolve, demand it back when you leave the Y, and never have any other suit available. Or stop carrying an extra suit.  Or just stop going with her.

She is getting it back. The problem is that her friend is complaining about having to give it back each time instead of getting to keep it.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Raintree on February 19, 2013, 09:55:42 PM
Then maybe you might want to just tell her that you are no longer keeping an extra suit in your car (even if you still are). If she doesn't remember to bring hers then she's just out of luck. Don't put yourself in the position of reminding her either; if she wants to swim, especially because you are nice enough to pick her up, then she needs to take the responsibility of bringing what she needs with her.

I started telling her what I was planning before had because she wanted to bring her kids to everything. I am a single adult and don't want to hang out in toddler friendly places all the time. So my "compromise" was to start telling her ahead of time what I was doing and if the kids were welcome. Then she could decide it she wanted to get a sitter or stay home, but I refused to let her kids needs dictate my recreation time.  ( And yes, they do come sometimes,  just not every single time.  Usually, tho I am hard pressed to figure out what a toddler would like to do, so I let her suggest those outing, even if I transport the whole gang.)

I get it, because I had this friend with a toddler; she'd call me up to "do something"; I'd say I was going swimming, and she'd want to come. Fine, but then she complained when I did laps (that is why I swim, for exercise) as her kid was bored and we needed to hang out in the kiddie play area of the pool.

But what I don't get here, is why you need to provide a bathing suit. Simply say, "I'm going swimming; you're welcome to come if you want to." And if she says, "I forgot my suit" the answer is, "Oh, too bad. Catch you next time then." If coming swimming with you is important to her, she'll remember her suit. I'd stop giving her the loaner, and if she asks, follow a PP's advice and say you lent it to another friend and never got it back, can she believe it?
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: snowdragon on February 19, 2013, 09:56:36 PM
I agree with Mental Magpie.  We keep a collection of old but clean and decent suits for guests.  Perhaps they aren't nice enough to provoke "theft" but there will likely be one in the collection that fits any given guest, and it goes in the washer when the guest is done.  Not a problem for me as host or guest.

Why aren't you getting the suit back from her, spun and in its little plastic bag, before you leave the Y?

You could make your spare one of your old, ratty suits you can almost see through, one that's about to dissolve, demand it back when you leave the Y, and never have any other suit available. Or stop carrying an extra suit.  Or just stop going with her.

She is getting it back. The problem is that her friend is complaining about having to give it back each time instead of getting to keep it.


I take it back as soon as she takes it off,,,and then get complained at because it's apparently "rude" to ask for it back.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: oceanus on February 19, 2013, 10:02:22 PM
I'm not understanding why you feel responsible for providing her with a swimsuit to begin with - that's where the problem started.  She keeps borrowing the swimsuit because you keep loaning it to her.

Don't loan her a swimsuit or anything else.

If she can't provide "remember" tp provide herself with a swimsuit, well, she just won't be able to go to the Y.   Her problem, not yours.  Learn to say "No".
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: snowdragon on February 19, 2013, 10:08:16 PM
So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: oceanus on February 19, 2013, 10:13:44 PM
So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

You mean lending (not borrowing).

No - not lending her a suit is not rude.  I'm still not understanding why you feel you are responsible for providing her with a swimsuit.   ???

As I said, she can either provide her own suit or not go.

I don't see how her forgetting prevents you from swimming in your own suit.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Raintree on February 19, 2013, 10:21:41 PM
So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

So if she forgets her suit (and doesn't have one to borrow) she expects you not to go to the class either?

No, it wouldn't be rude for you to just leave her to her own devices. You said you were going to the class; she can come too, but if she doesn't have her stuff, you're still going!
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: snowdragon on February 19, 2013, 10:23:05 PM
So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

You mean lending (not borrowing).

No - not lending her a suit is not rude.  I'm still not understanding why you feel you are responsible for providing her with a swimsuit.   ???

As I said, she can either provide her own suit or not go.

I don't see how her forgetting prevents you from swimming in your own suit.

 Not sure how to explain this, but we signed up for this class together, and typically will spend the day together getting together about 9am  and ending the day between 5 and 7.   The class is at noon.  Right in the middle. So if she does not have her suit...it feels odd to leave her for an hour or so to go to the class while she sits and waits.  ( she also says that sitting and waiting feels "wrong" to  her) the water work outs are what her dr recommends and due to other health concerns she is only allowed to do cardio and her limit walking/treadmilling is about 14 min at this point.
  So I am sort of feeling weird about having her sit for that length of time while doing something we signed up for together.  Hence the lending of the suit.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Raintree on February 19, 2013, 10:29:03 PM
So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

You mean lending (not borrowing).

No - not lending her a suit is not rude.  I'm still not understanding why you feel you are responsible for providing her with a swimsuit.   ???

As I said, she can either provide her own suit or not go.

I don't see how her forgetting prevents you from swimming in your own suit.

 Not sure how to explain this, but we signed up for this class together, and typically will spend the day together getting together about 9am  and ending the day between 5 and 7.   The class is at noon.  Right in the middle. So if she does not have her suit...it feels odd to leave her for an hour or so to go to the class while she sits and waits.  ( she also says that sitting and waiting feels "wrong" to  her) the water work outs are what her dr recommends and due to other health concerns she is only allowed to do cardio and her limit walking/treadmilling is about 14 min at this point.
  So I am sort of feeling weird about having her sit for that length of time while doing something we signed up for together.  Hence the lending of the suit.

I see. There is this feeling of "we're spending the day doing stuff together; we'd go to this class, but one of us doesn't have her swimsuit, so I guess *we* have to do something else instead."

I think you have to insist that since you signed up for the class, you really want to do it, and convey somehow that it's on her to remember her stuff, because you still want to attend this class regardless. I can see why you thought having the extra swimsuit in the car would solve the problem, but she is acting weird about it (if she took it home, it would defeat the purpose anyway) and it's just enabling her forgetful behaviour, ie she doesn't get to experience the consequences of her own actions.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: oceanus on February 19, 2013, 10:29:40 PM
Quote
So if she does not have her suit...
Then that is her problem.

You can either:
1) continue the arrrangement
2) tell you she will need to bring her own suit because you're no longer providing her with one.  If she forgets that will be her problem.

You can't have it both ways.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Raintree on February 19, 2013, 10:32:16 PM
Quote
( she also says that sitting and waiting feels "wrong" to  her)

And say with a friendly chuckle, "Then I guess you'd better remember your swimsuit next time. I don't want to miss the class because you forgot your swimsuit."
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: KenveeB on February 19, 2013, 11:06:26 PM
No, it's not rude for you to do the class you signed up for just because she forgot her suit. If she feels wrong sitting to the side for an hour, maybe she'll remember her suit next time. Stop letting her guilt you! She's responsible for herself.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Slartibartfast on February 19, 2013, 11:56:01 PM
If you get together earlier in the day anyway and you know at 10:00 that she won't have her suit at noon, can you make plans to swing by Walmart/Target/etc. and offer to "let" her buy one?  Since she seems to really need a spare, and all?
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: mmswm on February 20, 2013, 12:30:17 AM
Is it possible that she doesn't own a swimsuit, can't afford to buy even a cheap one, and is to embarrassed to admit it? I agree she's being rude by insisting that she should be able to keep the one you've loaned her, but it's possible there's more to the story and she's just not handling it very well.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: cicero on February 20, 2013, 04:50:51 AM
So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

You mean lending (not borrowing).

No - not lending her a suit is not rude.  I'm still not understanding why you feel you are responsible for providing her with a swimsuit.   ???

As I said, she can either provide her own suit or not go.

I don't see how her forgetting prevents you from swimming in your own suit.

 Not sure how to explain this, but we signed up for this class together, and typically will spend the day together getting together about 9am  and ending the day between 5 and 7.   The class is at noon.  Right in the middle. So if she does not have her suit...it feels odd to leave her for an hour or so to go to the class while she sits and waits.  ( she also says that sitting and waiting feels "wrong" to  her) the water work outs are what her dr recommends and due to other health concerns she is only allowed to do cardio and her limit walking/treadmilling is about 14 min at this point.
  So I am sort of feeling weird about having her sit for that length of time while doing something we signed up for together.  Hence the lending of the suit.
but but but *she* signed up for the class, you talk about it the night before, she has to know by now that one *needs* a swim suit for the class. why are you taking ownership of her responsibilities?

She is being extremely rude to you, almost badgering you and wrongly calling you out for being nice and considerate. that is really inappropriate.

I don't know if money is the problem . I do know that I've bought bathing suits in the US for under 10$ at target/kohls/kmart-type stores. they may from two years ago, and a weird neon green or pink but they work until such time that she can buy a better one. and i do understand that sometimes people are just that poor that they can't afford the 10$ but I don't know if that is the case here.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: MummySweet on February 20, 2013, 06:25:41 AM
Since you pick her up, as she is getting into the car ask her if she has her swimsuit and any other gear that she needs.   If the answer is negative, tell her to run back in the house to get it... or a book to read while you are taking the class.   

Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: acicularis on February 20, 2013, 08:02:06 AM
Your friend has a very odd sense of entitlement. What would happen if you let her take the suit home, and then she forgot it the next time? Would she expect to you to supply another one?

I'd be inclined to avoid going to the Y with her, or next time when discussing plans say "Oh, and don't forget your suit --I can't find my extra one."

Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: postalslave on February 20, 2013, 08:11:32 AM
So.. what would happen if she didn't bring her suit and you didn't bring an extra? What if your extra went "missing"?

I'm sorry, I just don't understand why you feel obligated to provide her workout  gear just because you signed up together. If you didn't sign up together would you still feel obligated to loan her a swim suit when she neglects to bring one?

OR - just sell her the suit. Problem solved.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: VorFemme on February 20, 2013, 08:14:23 AM
So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

She is borrowing the suit because "she forgot"?  I think that she's asking for the loan of YOUR suit because she doesn't have one or she's seen that the high chlorine content in gym pools can wear out a swimsuit in three months or less - so she's saving her "good" suit for when swimming and not working out at the gym.

Seriously - I buy chlorine remover for swimsuits from swimsuits for all because I've been warned that the high levels of chlorine in the pool & hot tub *at the gym* (eta) can render the suit translucent in three months or less (suit goes transparent).  I've had a daughter on swim team wearing two at once - but that was common for practice, as the increased drag gave more of a workout.  And wearing only ONE suit at competition would show improvement in their time - so it was a recognized "thing" for coaches to suggest.

But not what most women do at the gym for a workout.....

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've seen swimsuits on the rack at the local Goodwill and Salvation Army (I assume new ones donated at the end of the season - they still had store tags on them).  I saw the suggestion about selling her the "spare suit" - but I'd be afraid that she'd leave it at home and want to have you lend her a different suit - which she would then expect to be given because she's worn it.

I do wonder if she has a swimsuit that doesn't fit or that is being saved to wear to the beach instead of the gym.  I have one that I wear around VorGuy that I don't wear at the gym.  It looks prettier (underwire support with draping at strategic curves) - but it could be prone to "a wardrobe malfunction" if worn while trying to actually swim.......or work out.......
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: laceandbits on February 20, 2013, 08:34:47 AM
I agree with the poster who said to remind her the night before, remind her again to check when you pick her up, and that should be the end of your responsibility.  From what you've said it is ONLY the swimsuit she is forgetting - does she have everything else such as towels, shampoo, hair brush or does she scrounge those from you too?  If it's just the swimsuit then it sounds deliberate. 

If you have actually seen her swimsuit (the implication from your post was that she often/nearly always forgets it) you could also say that she looks so much better in her own one anyway.  If she doesn't have one, ask her why she signed up for swimming without having the gear first.  She wouldn't have signed up for ice hockey without skates, or tennis without a racquet would she?  Although if you had spare ones I suppose she might have done :-)

Could you find a really cheapo one in a thrift store, not necessarily in the right size, and say that as your other one has gone missing, this is your spare-to-loan one now.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: daen on February 20, 2013, 08:46:02 AM
If you were doing this one thing together - drive to the Y, do the class, go home - I would sympathize more with the feeling of  not wanting to leave her on the sidelines.
The fact that you're spending the whole day together changes that for me. She's not missing out on the whole excursion together, only part of it, know what I mean?

Of course, the fact that she forgets vital equipment repeatedly would burn out my sympathy circuits in short order, and her wanting to keep something that was very explicitly on loan would accelerate the process.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: rose red on February 20, 2013, 08:52:28 AM
OP, with your updates, I'm not sure what advice to give.  You keep giving us reasons why you have to lend her your suit.  I don't understand/agree with those reasons, but it's your choice.  I acknowledge that you are a very nice and generous person.  You've already told her the suit is a loan, but she keeps saying you are rude.  That's how she is.  I'm afraid there's no magic words to change her mind (I don't have the words for that type of person anyway).

Your options are:
"Forgetting" your suit.  Sitting for an hour won't kill her.
Give her the suit.
Keep lending it and put up with her attitude.
Stop inviting her to go swimming.  Do other activities.
Remind her to get her suit when you pick her up.  Do not move the car until she does so.
eta: Replace your current "backup" suit with a cheap thrift store suit (a PP's idea)
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Shoo on February 20, 2013, 08:54:16 AM
Since you pick her up, as she is getting into the car ask her if she has her swimsuit and any other gear that she needs.   If the answer is negative, tell her to run back in the house to get it... or a book to read while you are taking the class.   



This is what I'd do every time I picked her up. 
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: GrammarNerd on February 20, 2013, 08:57:52 AM
Seriously?  She has a water workout recommended by her DOCTOR for a medical condition, yet she relies on you to supply the equipment she needs to do her therapy/workout?  That's outrageous.  Time to cut the apron strings and make her take charge of her own health and responsibilities.

I totally agree with the PP who said to ask her point blank when she gets in the car if she has her suit.  "I realized that I don't have my spare, so I wanted to make sure that you brought yours today so you can do the class.  Do you have it?"  If the answer is no (and you know it will be) then make her go back in and get her suit.  Or if she won't do that, make her acknowledge that she won't be able to do the water class and will have to occupy herself while you go to the class.  Just sit there and wait until she either gets the suit or acknowledges that you'll do the class anyway without her. 

Remember the old adage: A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.  Not exactly an emergency, but if she can't take responsibility for something as simple as her own gear that she needs to carry out doctor's orders, then you certainly don't need to take responsibility for it.

And if she can't afford it, that's too bad, but haranguing you about keeping your spare suit is not the way to go about getting help.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Winterlight on February 20, 2013, 08:59:05 AM
You need to make a choice here- do you want to enable her by giving her the swimsuit/loaning it to her every time/checking up on her to make sure she brings it, or treat her like an adult? I'm assuming you aren't loaning her towels, a comb, etc, as well. If she can bring the other essentials, why can't she bring a suit?
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: YummyMummy66 on February 20, 2013, 09:24:42 AM
So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

There is your problem.  Why should you not be able to do what you want to do because of her lack of planning?   It sounds to me that you are very much the giver in this relationship. 

I love the famous quote, "Your lack of planning is not an emergency on my part". 
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: YummyMummy66 on February 20, 2013, 09:28:30 AM
So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

You mean lending (not borrowing).

 

No - not lending her a suit is not rude.  I'm still not understanding why you feel you are responsible for providing her with a swimsuit.   ???

As I said, she can either provide her own suit or not go.

I don't see how her forgetting prevents you from swimming in your own suit.

 Not sure how to explain this, but we signed up for this class together, and typically will spend the day together getting together about 9am  and ending the day between 5 and 7.   The class is at noon.  Right in the middle. So if she does not have her suit...it feels odd to leave her for an hour or so to go to the class while she sits and waits.  ( she also says that sitting and waiting feels "wrong" to  her) the water work outs are what her dr recommends and due to other health concerns she is only allowed to do cardio and her limit walking/treadmilling is about 14 min at this point.
  So I am sort of feeling weird about having her sit for that length of time while doing something we signed up for together.  Hence the lending of the suit.

Exactly how old is your friend?   Are you her mother?   She says waiting feels wrong to her.  Then why is she not bringing her suit?  I think it is nice that you are willing to spend all day with this friend.  Next time you go to pick her up for the day, let her know ahead of time when you get there, "Oh, Susie, you better grab your suit.  I forgot to put the extra one in the trunk.  Oh, no suit?  Then you better get a book, because I will not be missing class today.".

Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: JenJay on February 20, 2013, 09:31:01 AM
So if we are supposed to be in this class together and she does not have her suit when we get there, would it be rude to just leave her to her own devices for the hour or so it takes for the class?

I started  borrowing her the suit because I got sick of not being able to do what I wanted because she forgot her suit.

Nope, not rude! I imagine that it won't take but a time or two of her wandering around bored while you enjoy the class and she'll remember her suit! I wouldn't be surprised if she's "forgetting" hers because the one you loan her is more flattering, hence the repeated pleas to keep it.  ;)
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Miss Tickle on February 20, 2013, 10:04:43 AM
It seems to me that she doesn't actually want to participate in the class so she forgets to bring her suit in a passive aggressive move to make you skip it as well. Next time she borrows your spare, don't take it back from her right away. I'd bet she forgets that one as well when the time comes. If that happens you'll know it's not about the bathing suit.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: JenJay on February 20, 2013, 11:20:17 AM
It seems to me that she doesn't actually want to participate in the class so she forgets to bring her suit in a passive aggressive move to make you skip it as well. Next time she borrows your spare, don't take it back from her right away. I'd bet she forgets that one as well when the time comes. If that happens you'll know it's not about the bathing suit.

Then snowdragon is out her spare suit, which she keeps handy in case another friend needs it or she forgets her own.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Lorelei_Evil on February 20, 2013, 11:29:00 AM
You need to make a choice here- do you want to enable her by giving her the swimsuit/loaning it to her every time/checking up on her to make sure she brings it, or treat her like an adult? I'm assuming you aren't loaning her towels, a comb, etc, as well. If she can bring the other essentials, why can't she bring a suit?

POD.  Why are you mothering her?  You aren't responsible for her or her children to get from point A to point B just because she doesn't drive.  If she really wanted to do things, she can make her own arrangements to meet you.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Giggity on February 20, 2013, 11:31:22 AM
So what say you, am I rude,  is she or is this just a case of differing belief systems and neither is rude?

I'm afraid I don't understand how it could be rude to loan something.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Yvaine on February 20, 2013, 11:39:55 AM
So what say you, am I rude,  is she or is this just a case of differing belief systems and neither is rude?

I'm afraid I don't understand how it could be rude to loan something.

This.

OP, you are not being rude to loan it. You are also not obligated to loan it, and you will not be rude if you stop loaning it. You are obviously going nuts from the annoyance of loaning it, so stop. Just stop. If she sits there bored for one session, she'll get it.

I was a little moochy like this in my past and this was really the only thing that worked. Just cut off the supply and she'll have to come up with her own solution.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: nonesuch4 on February 20, 2013, 12:14:06 PM
Many years ago, my Boss and wife had four children living at home, and the whole family skied.  Skiing wasn't cheap, even back then, when one counted lift tickets for six and travel and meals and equipment.

It seemed that on each trip, someone forgot his/her skis and Boss ended up renting them for the forgetful family member.  Bass and wife made a new rule:  anyone who forgot his/her skis had better bring a book, because funds for equipment rental had been eliminated. I think the youngest child was 7 or so.

Boss forgot his skis that week  :-[ but everyone remembered from that point on, I think.

Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: sevenday on February 20, 2013, 01:37:17 PM
If this friend has been told by a doctor that they should do this, and they signed up WITH YOU for this class, they know what the class requires (i.e. a swimsuit).  I vote that you forget the swimsuit one day.  "But why don't you have 'my' swimsuit??" "Oh, another friend borrowed it and hasn't returned it yet.  Why don't you have your own ready, you knew we were going swimming today."  If she starts sputtering about how she expected you to let her borrow 'her' suit, tell her once again that it is a suit that you allow all friends to borrow, it is not hers alone, and if she wants one JUST for herself - bring one from home.  Ask her if she even has a suit, period.  That should give you some insight.

Sure, you can buy a suit at Walmart (in the right season, or even online) for fairly cheap.  You get what you pay for, though; a pricier suit bought from swimoutlet.com lasted me much longer than a Walmart suit and fit me even better (granted I have an odd body shape).  It could be she can't afford to buy one of her own.   If she can afford it, but just won't for some reason, tell her point blank she needs to buy her own and stop relying on you to provide something that is not hers.  If she shows up without a suit, tell her "oh well, you can sit on the bench or here's a great book I got last week you can read it in the car while I take my class."  You signed up for it.  You're paying for the membership, so you're paying to be there.  I would make a friend sit and watch if they "forgot" their suit.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: VorFemme on February 20, 2013, 01:46:21 PM
So what say you, am I rude,  is she or is this just a case of differing belief systems and neither is rude?

I'm afraid I don't understand how it could be rude to loan something.

It is not rude to loan a swimsuit.

It is not rude to refuse to lend a swimsuit.

It is rude to expect to always borrow a swimsuit when you need one and even ruder to demand that it be given to you.

If you need a special size or a mastectomy swimsuit, for Petes sake, buy one on sale, on-line, or sew one for yourself if you have that many quirks to fit.  Don' t keep asking to keep a spare someone else has been generous enough to have handy so that there is no disruption to plans!
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Auntie Mame on February 20, 2013, 02:33:04 PM
Why are you continuing to enable her?  Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.  What is the etiquette here?  Stop. Say no.   Stop letting her take advantage of you. 
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: LeveeWoman on February 20, 2013, 02:53:51 PM
If we all were born with spines of steel, Etiquette Hell would have far fewer members.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: bopper on February 20, 2013, 03:24:34 PM
You are taking on the "weirdness" when you are swimming and she is not.  You have to make it HER problem and just say "Bummer, you forgot again.  Maybe you should set an alarm on your phone?  I should be doing laps for an hour or so."
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Amara on February 20, 2013, 03:29:43 PM
If she won't remember her own swimsuit she won't remember the one you gave her either.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: rain on February 20, 2013, 07:40:38 PM
Let me get this straight  - in simplest terms

She's an adult

and you enable her (loan swim suit)

she will never change as long as you enable her
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Miss Tickle on February 21, 2013, 09:40:36 AM
It seems to me that she doesn't actually want to participate in the class so she forgets to bring her suit in a passive aggressive move to make you skip it as well. Next time she borrows your spare, don't take it back from her right away. I'd bet she forgets that one as well when the time comes. If that happens you'll know it's not about the bathing suit.

Then snowdragon is out her spare suit, which she keeps handy in case another friend needs it or she forgets her own.
Ah, I didn't think Snowdragon was suggesting her friend would actually steal the suit, just that she wanted Snowdragon to give it to her. My thinking is then Snowdragon wouldn't have one to lend her next time, therefore Snowdragon would feel obligated to skip the workout. There's nothing there preventing Snowdragon from asking for the swimsuit back, to the point of asking is the suit worth the friendship.

It seems odd to me that the parent of one or more toddlers has a habit of forgetting something that important to their day. It's kind of like forgetting an essential stuffie or a diaper bag or something. But there are a number of reasons that her friend would sabotage her workout by "forgetting" a swimsuit, like she's uncomfortable being in seen in a bathing suit, she doesn't like the water temperature or the chlorine levels at the pool, she doesn't really want to work out when she'd rather just hang out, she's irritated that she can't bring her kids to this, etc. But PP are right, Snowdragon is not this woman's mother and doesn't need to "pack a diaperbag" for her.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: miranova on February 21, 2013, 08:36:50 PM
While I 100%....no, 1000% agree that you have ZERO obligation to loan her the suit at all in the first place, I think at this point the best option is simply to let her take it home next time, fully accepting that you may never see it again.  One of two things will happen.  She will wash it and bring it back, which is no different really than what is happening now.  Or she will never bring it back.  In which case when she "forgets" you have the perfect out.  You say "Oh that's too bad, that's the only spare I had.  I'll see you in an hour."  And go on about your workout.  Just never bring another one.  I dare her to say "why haven't you bought me another suit yet?"  I mean really.  She will be forced to remember to bring it then, because you won't have one to lend her and it's her OWN fault that you won't have one to lend her!

It would be worth the price of whatever the suit cost in order to never have this conversation again, to me. 
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Mental Magpie on February 21, 2013, 08:42:43 PM
While I 100%....no, 1000% agree that you have ZERO obligation to loan her the suit at all in the first place, I think at this point the best option is simply to let her take it home next time, fully accepting that you may never see it again.  One of two things will happen.  She will wash it and bring it back, which is no different really than what is happening now.  Or she will never bring it back.  In which case when she "forgets" you have the perfect out.  You say "Oh that's too bad, that's the only spare I had.  I'll see you in an hour."  And go on about your workout.  Just never bring another one.  I dare her to say "why haven't you bought me another suit yet?"  I mean really.  She will be forced to remember to bring it then, because you won't have one to lend her and it's her OWN fault that you won't have one to lend her!

It would be worth the price of whatever the suit cost in order to never have this conversation again, to me.

What I don't understand is the giving it to her to take home.  The simpler solution is to just not take it next time.  The outcome is the same: no spare suit for "friend".  However, not taking it next time means OP has a spare suit for someone who will actually appreciate it.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: oceanus on February 21, 2013, 08:45:41 PM
Would be better not to loan swimsuits at all.
I don't think lack of appreciation is the issue.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: JenJay on February 21, 2013, 08:53:47 PM
Then snowdragon is out her spare suit, which she keeps handy in case another friend needs it or she forgets her own.
Ah, I didn't think Snowdragon was suggesting her friend would actually steal the suit, just that she wanted Snowdragon to give it to her.

Snowdragon said earlier that this friend has a habit of "forgetting" to return borrowed items and has to be chased down for them. That's why she (snowdragon) insists upon getting the suit back as soon as the class is over. That's when the friend starts up with "You should just let me keep it!"  :)
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: JenJay on February 21, 2013, 08:57:23 PM
While I 100%....no, 1000% agree that you have ZERO obligation to loan her the suit at all in the first place, I think at this point the best option is simply to let her take it home next time, fully accepting that you may never see it again.  One of two things will happen.  She will wash it and bring it back, which is no different really than what is happening now.  Or she will never bring it back.  In which case when she "forgets" you have the perfect out.  You say "Oh that's too bad, that's the only spare I had.  I'll see you in an hour."  And go on about your workout.  Just never bring another one.  I dare her to say "why haven't you bought me another suit yet?"  I mean really.  She will be forced to remember to bring it then, because you won't have one to lend her and it's her OWN fault that you won't have one to lend her!

It would be worth the price of whatever the suit cost in order to never have this conversation again, to me.

What I don't understand is the giving it to her to take home.  The simpler solution is to just not take it next time.  The outcome is the same: no spare suit for "friend".  However, not taking it next time means OP has a spare suit for someone who will actually appreciate it.

I agree. Why should snowdragon give this lady a suit... just to avoid having to give her another suit? I think that giving in when she doesn't want to is a really good way to encourage the friend to continue making ridiculous demands.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: zyrs on February 22, 2013, 05:27:19 AM
You are not being rude for lending her the suit and getting it back after every swim session.  Your friend has shown you that she doesn't respect your ownership of an item in the past when you have lent her things and she has not returned them. 

I would have a talk with her - find out if indeed she has her own swimsuit, if she really wants to be going to swimming or if maybe it would be better to pick a different day to get together.  I would stop bringing the spare swimsuit on the day that you go swimming with her and I wouldn't move the car in the morning until she shows you she has brought her own swimsuit and stuff.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: bopper on February 22, 2013, 08:41:47 AM
Haiku

No swimsuit today?
Hope you brought a book to read.
Remember next time.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: JenJay on February 22, 2013, 08:46:37 AM
Haiku

No swimsuit today?
Hope you brought a book to read.
Remember next time.

Awesome!! ;D
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Winterlight on February 22, 2013, 09:37:46 AM
Haiku

No swimsuit today?
Hope you brought a book to read.
Remember next time.

*applause*
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: snowdragon on February 22, 2013, 10:11:54 PM
Haiku

No swimsuit today?
Hope you brought a book to read.
Remember next time.

Love this.  Great Job bopper.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: YummyMummy66 on February 24, 2013, 10:43:42 AM
Is there an update?  Did OP go to her class yesterday?  how did she handle the swimsuit exchange?  Would love to know the outcome of this situation.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: gramma dishes on February 24, 2013, 11:48:10 AM
Just out of curiosity, does she ever contribute gas money or any of the other expenses that seem to fall to you and you alone?

You pick her up.  Apparently sometimes you agree to outings that include her children and taking them places you would not likely go yourself.  She never "remembers" to bring her own suit.  She tries to 'guilt' you into not enjoying the pool on those occasions when she has no suit available because she "forgot" hers. 

Just exactly what does she bring to the table?  It sounds like this is a totally lopsided 'friendship'.  Everything is for her and her convenience and you are just the transportation and supplier of necessities. 

Given that she also has a history of never returning anything you've loaned her, I don't understand why you need this particular, specific, uneven friendship. 
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: snowdragon on February 24, 2013, 11:15:56 PM
Just out of curiosity, does she ever contribute gas money or any of the other expenses that seem to fall to you and you alone?

You pick her up.  Apparently sometimes you agree to outings that include her children and taking them places you would not likely go yourself.  She never "remembers" to bring her own suit.  She tries to 'guilt' you into not enjoying the pool on those occasions when she has no suit available because she "forgot" hers. 

Just exactly what does she bring to the table?  It sounds like this is a totally lopsided 'friendship'.  Everything is for her and her convenience and you are just the transportation and supplier of necessities. 

Given that she also has a history of never returning anything you've loaned her, I don't understand why you need this particular, specific, uneven friendship. 

She doesn't pay for gas, she pays for my cell phone instead.  She helped out when my dad was dying of cancer and when I needed to move quickly, she proof reads all my papers - so no I do not feel this is that lopsided,, I just find it annoying that she thinks a loan is a gift and wondered if others would see it the same way or if there was something I was missing.
   It seems that there are folks who would be weird-ed out by a "shared" swimsuit.  I have never encountered that before.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: redberry on February 24, 2013, 11:36:33 PM
It seems that there are folks who would be weird-ed out by a "shared" swimsuit.  I have never encountered that before.

Well that's just because you don't wear any other clothes under a swimsuit so its a lot like underpants/knickers and a lot of people would not feel comfortable with shared undies...
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Mental Magpie on February 24, 2013, 11:50:16 PM
It seems that there are folks who would be weird-ed out by a "shared" swimsuit.  I have never encountered that before.

Well that's just because you don't wear any other clothes under a swimsuit so its a lot like underpants/knickers and a lot of people would not feel comfortable with shared undies...

That wouldn't bother me, either.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: GSNW on February 25, 2013, 12:08:20 AM
If the swimsuit is laundered in between, which I assume it is, I don't see the big deal.  I would find it annoying and tiresome that a kind lender becomes a bone of contention.  It's not her swimsuit, and if she can't process that, the lending should be over.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: petal on February 25, 2013, 03:52:47 AM
the easy answer is to stop supplying the spare swimsuit.   If friend forgets hers  then tough. she goes without one.

Let her learn the lesson that if she forgets her own swimsuit then she doesnt go swimming
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: gramma dishes on February 25, 2013, 09:58:36 AM

She doesn't pay for gas, she pays for my cell phone instead.  She helped out when my dad was dying of cancer and when I needed to move quickly, she proof reads all my papers - so no I do not feel this is that lopsided,, I just find it annoying that she thinks a loan is a gift and wondered if others would see it the same way or if there was something I was missing.
   It seems that there are folks who would be weird-ed out by a "shared" swimsuit.  I have never encountered that before.

Okay, it does sound a little more balanced than I was imagining in my head. 

I don't know, Snowdragon.  Given this additional information, I'd almost be tempted to just go ahead and let her keep the swimsuit, especially if it wasn't a really expensive one.  The only problem with that would be, of course, that she would probably forget to bring it with her just as she "forgets" to bring her own now.  So maybe, annoying as it is, the routine you have going already may be the best solution. 

Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Shoo on February 25, 2013, 10:31:17 AM

She doesn't pay for gas, she pays for my cell phone instead.  She helped out when my dad was dying of cancer and when I needed to move quickly, she proof reads all my papers - so no I do not feel this is that lopsided,, I just find it annoying that she thinks a loan is a gift and wondered if others would see it the same way or if there was something I was missing.
   It seems that there are folks who would be weird-ed out by a "shared" swimsuit.  I have never encountered that before.

Okay, it does sound a little more balanced than I was imagining in my head. 

I don't know, Snowdragon.  Given this additional information, I'd almost be tempted to just go ahead and let her keep the swimsuit, especially if it wasn't a really expensive one.  The only problem with that would be, of course, that she would probably forget to bring it with her just as she "forgets" to bring her own now.  So maybe, annoying as it is, the routine you have going already may be the best solution. 



Snowdragon, are you sure she even owns her own swimsuit? It sounds like maybe she doesn't and instead of telling you that, she keeps borrowing yours in the hope that you'll just "give" it to her.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: Emmy on February 25, 2013, 02:22:48 PM
I do think she is being rude and presumptuous by thinking you should give her the suit (and calling you rude because you didn't).  At the very least, she should make an offer to pay for the extra suit and graciously accept if 'no' is the answer, but expecting it for free just because she used it reeks of the gimmes.  My suggestion would be to try to blunt approach.  Let her know that you are tired of the suit conversation every week and you won't have the extra one with you anymore and she can supply her own.  I disagree that the OP should give it to her unless she wants to.  Usually giving in doesn't end it, but just allows friend to think she was right and make another ridiculous demand later.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: TurtleDove on February 25, 2013, 02:24:11 PM
I keep thinking that a swimsuit is one item of clothing I would not even want to borrow. It would be like wearing someone else's underwear to me!
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: MariaE on February 25, 2013, 02:33:16 PM
I keep thinking that a swimsuit is one item of clothing I would not even want to borrow. It would be like wearing someone else's underwear to me!

Neither would bother me as long as they've been washed in between wearings.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: snowdragon on February 25, 2013, 04:09:44 PM

She doesn't pay for gas, she pays for my cell phone instead.  She helped out when my dad was dying of cancer and when I needed to move quickly, she proof reads all my papers - so no I do not feel this is that lopsided,, I just find it annoying that she thinks a loan is a gift and wondered if others would see it the same way or if there was something I was missing.
   It seems that there are folks who would be weird-ed out by a "shared" swimsuit.  I have never encountered that before.

Okay, it does sound a little more balanced than I was imagining in my head. 

I don't know, Snowdragon.  Given this additional information, I'd almost be tempted to just go ahead and let her keep the swimsuit, especially if it wasn't a really expensive one.  The only problem with that would be, of course, that she would probably forget to bring it with her just as she "forgets" to bring her own now.  So maybe, annoying as it is, the routine you have going already may be the best solution. 



Snowdragon, are you sure she even owns her own swimsuit? It sounds like maybe she doesn't and instead of telling you that, she keeps borrowing yours in the hope that you'll just "give" it to her.


  I've seen her with one, when she attends the Y with her family, so yeah, she has one.  I am wondering tho' if she packs it or her husband does in those instances.
Title: Re: The "extra" swimsuit....
Post by: NotTheNarcissist on February 25, 2013, 04:48:26 PM
I keep thinking that a swimsuit is one item of clothing I would not even want to borrow. It would be like wearing someone else's underwear to me!

Neither would bother me as long as they've been washed in between wearings.

We have a swimming pool. I have a HUGE stash of swimsuits, all sizes & styles, for both men & women, to loan to visitors who show up without a swimsuit. People borrow them without hesitation. I wash them & add them back to the stash. People don't seem to care. They just want to swim.