Etiquette Hell

Hostesses With The Mostest => Entertaining and Hospitality => Topic started by: NyaChan on March 02, 2013, 03:00:24 PM

Title: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: NyaChan on March 02, 2013, 03:00:24 PM
I'm going to relate the story in a barebones, no details version because the full story is very long (I can post it later if anyone is interested.)

I had a gathering with various friends at my apartment which was very casual, bring things if you like, wear sweats, etc.  At one point we decided to go to the grocery store to pick some stuff up.  Problem is, one of the guests refused to leave my apartment.  She lay down on my couch, bundled herself up in a blanket, and whined about not wanting to go and we should just leave her here.  I flat out said, I'm not leaving you alone in my apartment.  This is not a close friend of mine anymore due to a past history of bad behavior, and has in particular done untrustworthy things when left alone in someone's apartment.  Saying that had no effect as she continued to insist on staying and acted offended that I wouldn't want her in my apartment unattended.  I finally gave up and left her there even though I was very uncomfortable because I was worried that forcing the issue was going to ruin everyone's fun and I knew I couldn't physically force her to leave. 

Other than staying home myself with her, what do you think I could have done to get a different outcome?
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: Outdoor Girl on March 02, 2013, 03:04:12 PM
I would have stayed or I would have physically forced her to leave.  Either by myself, if possible, or with help from my other friends.  As a last resort, I'd call police.

She was counting on your feeling uncomfortable and not pushing the issue.  Did she do anything while you were gone?
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: Fleur on March 02, 2013, 03:07:32 PM


She sounds like a nightmare. Could you either post or pm me the full story. And yes, I agree with the previous poster. I would probably have threatened her with the police.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: WillyNilly on March 02, 2013, 03:08:18 PM
If it were me I would have stuck to my guns and told her to leave - not just for the grocery store trip, but at that point just leave you aren't welcome anymore.  If she was there as a guest of a friend (you mention you aren't close to her) I'd have turned to that person and told them to get their guest to leave, now, and to not bother bringing her back. If she wasn't a guest of a friend and I wasn't ready to kick her out totally I would have turned to the group and said "sorry guys, I really want to go to the store but under no circumstances is [she] staying here alone, guess you either have to go without me or we can order in."  At that point I think at least a few of my close friends would pick up on my seriousness and start in on telling the girl to get up and out.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: Erich L-ster on March 02, 2013, 03:09:02 PM
I might have left a friend or two whom I did trust to stay with her.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: kherbert05 on March 02, 2013, 03:39:13 PM
1. Don't have her in your house ever.
2. Tell her she can leave on her own or with the cops but she was leaving.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: oceanus on March 02, 2013, 03:47:44 PM
1. Don't have her in your house ever.
2. Tell her she can leave on her own or with the cops but she was leaving.

This.

"Ruining everyone's fun" should not be an issue in such a situation.

(She most likely snooped when you left her alone.)
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: violetminnow on March 02, 2013, 04:13:16 PM
I would turn it back on them, they're ruining everyone's fun if you can't leave because she won't get up. You're not ruining anything.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: Thipu1 on March 02, 2013, 04:48:55 PM
It's your home.  You CAN physically force her to leave.  That's especially true since she decided to nap on the sofa and has a history of 'bad behavior'. 

You're not ruining the fun for everyone.  You're ruining the fun for her.  Perhaps her 'fun' could use more 'ruining' than she's used to having. 
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: Roe on March 02, 2013, 04:56:02 PM
I would've stayed and told my friends to go to the store without me.  Either that or call the cops if she refused to leave.  (that would be a last resort)
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: Zilla on March 02, 2013, 05:01:55 PM
As to not ruin the night, I would of stayed.  If you don't mind the drama, I would have said, "We are going and you are coming with or you can go home.  Either way you aren't staying here.,"
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: diesel_darlin on March 02, 2013, 05:08:52 PM
Im with Zilla. She would have got the eHell out of my house either way.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: doodlemor on March 02, 2013, 05:23:26 PM
If it were me I would have stuck to my guns and told her to leave - not just for the grocery store trip, but at that point just leave you aren't welcome anymore.  If she was there as a guest of a friend (you mention you aren't close to her) I'd have turned to that person and told them to get their guest to leave, now, and to not bother bringing her back. If she wasn't a guest of a friend and I wasn't ready to kick her out totally I would have turned to the group and said "sorry guys, I really want to go to the store but under no circumstances is [she] staying here alone, guess you either have to go without me or we can order in."  At that point I think at least a few of my close friends would pick up on my seriousness and start in on telling the girl to get up and out.

POD, absolutely.  Don't give in to outrageous behavior.

"The party is over for you.  You have to leave right now."
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: violetminnow on March 02, 2013, 05:38:22 PM
I think it's important for you to stick to your guns about this when future problems like this arise. I really don't want to make you feel bad about making the choice you did, I have been in situations where I backed down and regretted it later as well. Unfortunately, it makes it easier for people to put you in a bad situation in the future.

The fact that she didn't do anything this time means that she'll have a stronger position to argue from when she wants to be alone in your house again. She would be able to argue in front of others that she was trustworthy before and is now, others may take her side. I know some people who scam money use the same tactic, they borrow a small amount of $ and make sure to pay it all back quickly the first time. Then after that they use the first situation to justify why you should trust them in the future.

Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: kudeebee on March 02, 2013, 09:44:35 PM
I would leave her off the guest list next time.

I agree that I wouldn't have gone with the others, I would have stayed behind.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: gramma dishes on March 02, 2013, 10:14:28 PM
It's easy for me to sit here and say "Yeah, I'd have gotten her out of there one way or the other!"  But in reality, these things are often so unexpected that your mind kind of goes blank. 

It's too late now to second guess what has already been done.  But I will say this.  I would never allow this person in my home again under ANY circumstances.  You don't mention if she was actually an invited (by you) guest or if she just tagged along with someone else.  But she'd be permanently crossed off my guest list and if someone else were to arrive with her in tow, I'd just say "I'm sorry, but this is a closed party for invited guests only" and calmly close the door on both of them. 

You have no idea what she really did while you were gone.  That would make me incredibly uncomfortable and I'd be darned determined that I'd never allow that situation to happen again.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: blarg314 on March 03, 2013, 12:16:37 AM

I think I would have probably stayed with her that time (to avoid a messy fight/police call for the sake of the other friends), but she would have been permanently off my guest list, and not allowed in my apartment even if she came along with a group. And for that one, I'd be ready for the fight/police call to back it up.

Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: Morrigan on March 03, 2013, 11:26:16 AM
If she wasn't a friend, I would have told her flatly "Get out, now.  Before I call the police.  You aren't welcome here."
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: Deetee on March 03, 2013, 12:08:03 PM
I'm with gramma dishes. I would find it very difficult to get rid of someone ( unless I truly feared they would steal stuff). However, they would never, never be invited back.

Actually, as I think about it, I doubt I would have someone in my house who I wouldn't leave alone anyhow.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: lady_disdain on March 03, 2013, 12:53:40 PM
Count me among those who would have stayed in the apartment and asked the rest of the group to get me something. As soon as everyone was out, boy, would she get it. I am quite willing to say that she would have left by the time the rest returned and no one would have had to witness the scene.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: Amara on March 03, 2013, 01:32:14 PM
OP, I agree that she should have been forced out and should never be invited again. That said, I have a couple of questions (which may be part of the background). First, how did the other people react to her announcement? Second, has she pulled this or similar behavior before with you and/or others?
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: TootsNYC on March 04, 2013, 11:00:21 AM
I would turn it back on them, they're ruining everyone's fun if you can't leave because she won't get up. You're not ruining anything.

Yep. Put the blame on her where it belongs.

And I'd have stayed and let everyone else go without me.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: LazyDaisy on March 04, 2013, 11:20:57 AM
Count me among those who would have stayed in the apartment and asked the rest of the group to get me something. As soon as everyone was out, boy, would she get it. I am quite willing to say that she would have left by the time the rest returned and no one would have had to witness the scene.
This is what I'd do too. Let everyone else go on ahead and have it out in private with the squatter. How to get her out without resorting to the police or getting physical? She was all comfortable on the couch with the blanket?...put her shoes, coat and purse outside, take the blanket, open the windows, turn on the air conditioner, turn off the TV, turn off all the lights (or on, which ever makes her more uncomfortable), sing "99 bottles of beer on the wall", burn popcorn in the microwave. Make her want to leave.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: MindsEye on March 04, 2013, 11:43:23 AM
I finally gave up and left her there even though I was very uncomfortable because I was worried that forcing the issue was going to ruin everyone's fun and I knew I couldn't physically force her to leave

Why couldn't you physically force this person to leave?  Is this person so big, and are you so small, that you didn't think you would be strong enough?  Did you think that they would actively resist being forced to move?   :-\

What was the reaction of the rest of the group to this person? 

I ask because once (many years ago when I was just out of college) I was in a position almost identical to yours... except that I unceremoniously grabbed the offender by the ankles, pulled her off the couch and dragged her out the front door.  I also had the support of the rest of the group, as they were all pretty disgusted by the way that the offender was behaving.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: alkira6 on March 04, 2013, 12:20:54 PM
I finally gave up and left her there even though I was very uncomfortable because I was worried that forcing the issue was going to ruin everyone's fun and I knew I couldn't physically force her to leave

Why couldn't you physically force this person to leave?  Is this person so big, and are you so small, that you didn't think you would be strong enough?  Did you think that they would actively resist being forced to move?   :-\

What was the reaction of the rest of the group to this person? 

I ask because once (many years ago when I was just out of college) I was in a position almost identical to yours... except that I unceremoniously grabbed the offender by the ankles, pulled her off the couch and dragged her out the front door.  I also had the support of the rest of the group, as they were all pretty disgusted by the way that the offender was behaving.

And this is how I had the police called on me and was nearly charged with assault.  In quite a bit of the US putting your hands on someone when you are not under immediate threat is considered assault.  If you have the type of person who is insisting on exercising her rights to something (YOUR HOME) that is not truly hers, what do you think she would do if she really thought that she had been wronged?

If you are not willing to escalate it to the level of calling the police non-emergency line, your best bet is to stay there if she absolutely refuses to leave and at the end of the night make it absolutely clear in small words that she is never welcome in your home ever again. Be prepared to meet her at the door and absolutely refuse to let her pass your doorway. make sure that your friends understand this also.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: Lynn2000 on March 04, 2013, 12:33:00 PM
I think I would have either stayed there with her myself, or gotten someone else in the group to stay with her--preferably whoever brought her. And then never invited her back, or let her back in if she just showed up.

Although I think it would be acceptable to send her home right then, I'm not sure I would really be able to do it if she just rolled over and refused to listen to me, because I'm not really the type to pick someone up and toss them out, you know? She was definitely the one being bratty and I could totally picture this happening at a high school or college party, especially if the person is tired or not feeling well. Which is no excuse, they shouldn't have come in that case, but using those excuses can be an attempt to make the person who wants them to leave feel bad and change their mind.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: Amara on March 04, 2013, 12:37:03 PM
I suppose one could always get out the vacuum and have to vacuum and re-vacuum that one spot on the sofa right next to her ears?  >:D
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: Mikayla on March 04, 2013, 01:57:36 PM

I think I would have probably stayed with her that time (to avoid a messy fight/police call for the sake of the other friends), but she would have been permanently off my guest list, and not allowed in my apartment even if she came along with a group. And for that one, I'd be ready for the fight/police call to back it up.

This is where I land.  I guess if you follow strict etiquette, a guest shouldn't be forced to go on an unanticipated jaunt to the store, so I'd either stay myself, or quietly ask one of my closer friends to stay behind.

But that would be just to avoid unpleasantness.  After that, I'd not want her in my home and she'd be told this if necessary.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: FauxFoodist on March 04, 2013, 02:06:45 PM
I would've made the person leave -- either by his/her own volition or calling the cops.  I had to do this when I was 16 years old, and the person wouldn't leave when I told him to leave.  I told him if he didn't leave, I'd call the police, and he responded, "So call the police."  So,  I left (leaving the friend who came home with me to keep an eye on the guy) and went to call the cops (this was 20+ years ago, and my home didn't have a phone).  When I returned, the guy was gone (he asked my friend where I'd gone, and my friend said, "To call the police" so the guy left).  This was a guy who once was permitted into my home (really, my parents' home) because he was friends with other people and not only proved to not be trustworthy but, that evening, had gotten into my home because he broke in (no sign of forced entry so I'm pretty sure he jimmied open a window or something like that).  I don't think I ever saw him again after that (he was told prior to that evening he was not welcome in my home ever again).
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: NyaChan on March 04, 2013, 05:17:14 PM

I guess the context might change things, but it really was long – here it goes.  The gathering was meant to be low key, wear pjs, stay the night where we play a drinking game that holds a lot of nostalgia for us.  I specifically told people that they should stay the night if they are going to take part in the games so that there are no worries about getting home safely.  It was potluck style – I provided enough alcohol to cover the games and dessert.  Others brought other forms of alcohol and snacks. This girl brought nothing.

An hour and a half before the party, I get at text from one of the girls who I am less close to but lives a 10 minute walk away informing me that she "may have pre gamed.  Heavily."  So I asked if someone was picking her up on their way to my house.  She responds that she should be okay by the start time and that really she was only "momentarily tipsy." She tends to exaggerate for comedic effect so I took her at her word.  Then she texts asking if she can come over early.   :o  I told her that she could if she sobered up first because I didn't want to worry about her driving otherwise.  Background:  This person has a history of drunk driving - it is a pity she has never been caught because she seems to find it funny to relate stories of how she doesn't even remember how she got home last night.  She is too cheap to take a taxi but refuses to adjust her drinking to fit her ability to drive herself home, i.e. she knows she's driving but she will drink as much people who are taking cabs because in her opinion "it isn't fair" that they get to drink more, even if she's committed to being the DD. 

She later shows up at my apartment and first I'm relieved that she waited before coming over - then I realize as we chat and I'm finishing my food prep that she has actually spent her evening having multiple drinks at a bar before coming over. She is not only tipsy, but talking too loud and getting a bit emotional.  I'm pretty angry at this point, because in my opinion, she should not have been driving.  She then proceeds to eat a significant portion of the snacks I had put out for the party leaving me to worry that people were going to think that I didn't provide any snacks. Ex: A large bowl full of candy was eaten by the hand full until less than half was left by the time people arrived.  Don't get me started on the Oreos.  Her comments indicated that she was trying to soak up the alcohol. 

Once people start arriving she drinks right alongside everyone even though she reveals she has at least a 4 drink head start and starts complaining that she is tired.  Luckily she stops drinking (I was wondering whether I was going to have to cut her off even if I had told them they could stay the night rather than drive home) and switches to soda and seemed to be sobering up.  When the last friend arrived late (she warned me ahead of time), she suggested we make a run to the grocery store before it closed and while we had a sober driver.  Everyone agreed, the girl even suggested items we should get.  Only problem is that she follows it up with saying that she doesn't actually want to come.  She starts whining about how she just wants to stay in my apartment by herself while we pick up things.  She actually lay down on my couch, grabbed a blanket and bundled herself up in it while insisting "I'm not going, I can stay here, just go."   I try to insist because I am not comfortable with her being in my apartment alone.  My other friends told her to just get up and come, I told her she could just stay in the car while the rest of us ran in if she wanted, but that I’m not leaving her in my apartment. It becomes clear that if I make an issue of it, it is going to be a Big Deal in the middle of what has otherwise been really fun for everyone so I drop it, but made it clear that I was not happy with the situation. 

I couldn’t ask her to leave altogether because 1) in our group of friends it is unprecedented, 2) everyone would have seen it as an overreaction and 3) most importantly, I genuinely wouldn’t have felt comfortable letting her drive after she had been drinking.  As we walked out, my friend Jenny (from other threads) pointed out that she could totally understand why I would be particularly uncomfortable leaving this person alone in my apartment in light of what had happened in the past with her.  I had actually told this girl in other circumstances that I would never want to have her in my apartment alone.  Another friend said that the girl was being ridiculous, that it was my apartment, and she should have gotten up and left when I asked her to.  In the car, yet another friend revealed that this girl said something hurtful to her (while I was out of earshot or I would have intervened) earlier in the evening.  We finished our shopping trip, returned to find her still on the couch, and continued the evening.  As far as I know, she did not cause anyone any more problems.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter?
Post by: LazyDaisy on March 04, 2013, 05:27:50 PM

I guess the context might change things, but it really was long – here it goes.  The gathering was meant to be low key, wear pjs, stay the night where we play a drinking game that holds a lot of nostalgia for us.  I specifically told people that they should stay the night if they are going to take part in the games so that there are no worries about getting home safely.  It was potluck style – I provided enough alcohol to cover the games and dessert.  Others brought other forms of alcohol and snacks. This girl brought nothing.

An hour and a half before the party, I get at text from one of the girls who I am less close to but lives a 10 minute walk away informing me that she "may have pre gamed.  Heavily."  So I asked if someone was picking her up on their way to my house.  She responds that she should be okay by the start time and that really she was only "momentarily tipsy." She tends to exaggerate for comedic effect so I took her at her word.  Then she texts asking if she can come over early.   :o  I told her that she could if she sobered up first because I didn't want to worry about her driving otherwise.  Background:  This person has a history of drunk driving - it is a pity she has never been caught because she seems to find it funny to relate stories of how she doesn't even remember how she got home last night.  She is too cheap to take a taxi but refuses to adjust her drinking to fit her ability to drive herself home, i.e. she knows she's driving but she will drink as much people who are taking cabs because in her opinion "it isn't fair" that they get to drink more, even if she's committed to being the DD. 

She later shows up at my apartment and first I'm relieved that she waited before coming over - then I realize as we chat and I'm finishing my food prep that she has actually spent her evening having multiple drinks at a bar before coming over. She is not only tipsy, but talking too loud and getting a bit emotional.  I'm pretty angry at this point, because in my opinion, she should not have been driving.  She then proceeds to eat a significant portion of the snacks I had put out for the party leaving me to worry that people were going to think that I didn't provide any snacks. Ex: A large bowl full of candy was eaten by the hand full until less than half was left by the time people arrived.  Don't get me started on the Oreos.  Her comments indicated that she was trying to soak up the alcohol. 

Once people start arriving she drinks right alongside everyone even though she reveals she has at least a 4 drink head start and starts complaining that she is tired.  Luckily she stops drinking (I was wondering whether I was going to have to cut her off even if I had told them they could stay the night rather than drive home) and switches to soda and seemed to be sobering up.  When the last friend arrived late (she warned me ahead of time), she suggested we make a run to the grocery store before it closed and while we had a sober driver.  Everyone agreed, the girl even suggested items we should get.  Only problem is that she follows it up with saying that she doesn't actually want to come.  She starts whining about how she just wants to stay in my apartment by herself while we pick up things.  She actually lay down on my couch, grabbed a blanket and bundled herself up in it while insisting "I'm not going, I can stay here, just go."   I try to insist because I am not comfortable with her being in my apartment alone.  My other friends told her to just get up and come, I told her she could just stay in the car while the rest of us ran in if she wanted, but that I’m not leaving her in my apartment. It becomes clear that if I make an issue of it, it is going to be a Big Deal in the middle of what has otherwise been really fun for everyone so I drop it, but made it clear that I was not happy with the situation. 

I couldn’t ask her to leave altogether because 1) in our group of friends it is unprecedented, 2) everyone would have seen it as an overreaction and 3) most importantly, I genuinely wouldn’t have felt comfortable letting her drive after she had been drinking.  As we walked out, my friend Jenny (from other threads) pointed out that she could totally understand why I would be particularly uncomfortable leaving this person alone in my apartment in light of what had happened in the past with her.  I had actually told this girl in other circumstances that I would never want to have her in my apartment alone.  Another friend said that the girl was being ridiculous, that it was my apartment, and she should have gotten up and left when I asked her to.  In the car, yet another friend revealed that this girl said something hurtful to her (while I was out of earshot or I would have intervened) earlier in the evening.  We finished our shopping trip, returned to find her still on the couch, and continued the evening.  As far as I know, she did not cause anyone any more problems.
I'm sorry NyaChan but this right here is where I would have told her to stay home; that she is not to come over already drunk. full stop. Especially in light of the fact that you already know she can't be trusted to not drive drunk. Why would you take her at her word at all?

It also sounds like you had the support of the group even though you say that forcing her out would be unprecedented. Then, don't let her drive, drop her off at home on your way to the store and let her pick up her car in the morning.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: jedikaiti on March 04, 2013, 06:08:19 PM
Just never invite her again. Then you don't have to worry about her showing up already drunk, insulting your friends, or being left alone in your home.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: WillyNilly on March 04, 2013, 07:08:41 PM
Whats done is done, and I do gt the position you were in.  But unprecedented or not going forward don't invite this girl anywhere, ever again.  If others invite her to group things, ok it happens, but your events?  Just be candid with your friends "actually I'm not inviting Mandy, I really need a serious break from her.  She drunk drives, she forced herself on my apartment that time and didn't she say something nasty to Alice at my party?  Yeah, I'm over her..." I think from your story, they will be totally fine with the idea.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: weeblewobble on March 05, 2013, 07:56:41 PM
Is this the friend involved in the Ring Saga?  If so, I would simply hand cash over to the friends going to the store and plop my butt in the chair next to Couch Potato Gollum.  Because there is no way I would leave her alone in my house.  And if it was absolutely necessary for me to go to the store, I would tell this girl, "You have a choice, get up and go to the store with us or get up and leave the party now.  Either way, you are not going to stay in my home without me being here.  Now get up and make your choice."
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: doodlemor on March 05, 2013, 09:25:32 PM
Another reason not to invite this person.......

In some states you could be liable if she left your home drunk and hurt someone with her car.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: miranova on March 06, 2013, 03:22:24 AM
I can't imagine inviting someone to my home for an all nighter that I didn't trust enough to leave alone for a few minutes.  Weren't you going to sleep at some point?  Whatever it is that you think she may do while you are at the store, couldn't she also do while you are sleeping?  In other words, just don't invite her if she is that untrustworthy.  I might have some weird friends but none that I'd feel uncomfortable leaving in my home for a short period of time.  She obviously just needs to be left off the guest list.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: NyaChan on March 06, 2013, 11:31:33 PM
I'm sorry NyaChan but this right here is where I would have told her to stay home; that she is not to come over already drunk. full stop. Especially in light of the fact that you already know she can't be trusted to not drive drunk. Why would you take her at her word at all?

It also sounds like you had the support of the group even though you say that forcing her out would be unprecedented. Then, don't let her drive, drop her off at home on your way to the store and let her pick up her car in the morning.

I'm not sure the best way to convey it, but essentially, I was angry later because she did lie to me about her condition over the course of those texts.  I took her at her word, because it would have been no trouble whatsoever for someone to pick her up on their way (heck, I could have picked her up) and we both knew it, so as far as I knew, she had no reason to lie.  She never before hid something like that - I know she has driven drunk precisely because she doesn't lie about it.  Now I know better. 

weeble - yes, this is the Ring Saga girl.  I had stopped inviting her to things, but Jenny and Todd for reasons I don't understand have essentially treated her as if nothing had happened and that they are all still friends.  As a result, I eventually ended up spending as much time with her as we did before because I was the only one not initiating plans with her. The plans for this event evolved in a group discussion which included the Ring Saga girl, so she was also invited when I sent out the email about it as I felt it would be rude to offer to host a group event and then exclude someone who was in the group talking about it.  I won't be inviting her again to things that I am organizing.

I can't imagine inviting someone to my home for an all nighter that I didn't trust enough to leave alone for a few minutes.  Weren't you going to sleep at some point?  Whatever it is that you think she may do while you are at the store, couldn't she also do while you are sleeping?  In other words, just don't invite her if she is that untrustworthy.  I might have some weird friends but none that I'd feel uncomfortable leaving in my home for a short period of time.  She obviously just needs to be left off the guest list.
 

I see leaving someone alone for a few minutes while I'm in the same apartment and there are at least 3 other people around as different from leaving someone completely alone in my apartment for what could take 30 minutes.  I don't mind leaving her alone in my living room, kitchen, or bathroom, but having my entire apartment available to her - my bedroom for example - while I'm not there makes me uncomfortable.  It would make me uncomfortable to leave my mom alone in my apartment really, though I recognize that this isn't normal and I may be beyond what can be considered reasonable.  It is just that in my family, privacy is a foreign concept.  My mom doesn't think anything of going through any cabinet or drawer that takes her fancy - in her mind, there shouldn't be anything in my apartment that I wouldn't mind anyone, even a stranger, looking at, so if she does look, there should be nothing wrong with it.  As a result, I get very protective of what little privacy I can enforce.  My computer for example is something that I rarely allow anyone else to access since it is the only place I can keep to myself. 

   
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: cheyne on March 07, 2013, 02:57:27 PM
#1:  The next time Gollum Girl gets behind the wheel of any vehicle drunk-you call the police 911 with the make, model and license number of the car.  Drunk driving has NOTHING to do with etiquette, friendship, or niceness.  I pray she gets caught by the cops and wakes up before she injures/kills someone else with her hubris.

#2:  You had the backing of your friends as you were all leaving your apt.  Their comments showed this.  I don't believe it would have ruined anyone's night if you made Gollum Girl get up and leave with you all.

#3:  Do not invite this chick anywhere ever.  You can't help it if she's invited to a group activity, but you do not have to invite her to your home or events. 
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: Twik on March 11, 2013, 09:53:54 AM
Quote
I couldn’t ask her to leave altogether because 1) in our group of friends it is unprecedented, 2) everyone would have seen it as an overreaction and 3) most importantly, I genuinely wouldn’t have felt comfortable letting her drive after she had been drinking.  As we walked out, my friend Jenny (from other threads) pointed out that she could totally understand why I would be particularly uncomfortable leaving this person alone in my apartment in light of what had happened in the past with her.  I had actually told this girl in other circumstances that I would never want to have her in my apartment alone.  Another friend said that the girl was being ridiculous, that it was my apartment, and she should have gotten up and left when I asked her to.

I think you're vastly overestimating the shock and horror that your friends would have felt if you had thrown Golllum Girl out. It sounds as if they were basically telling you that you should have done so.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: miranova on March 13, 2013, 03:42:11 AM
Quote
I couldn’t ask her to leave altogether because 1) in our group of friends it is unprecedented, 2) everyone would have seen it as an overreaction and 3) most importantly, I genuinely wouldn’t have felt comfortable letting her drive after she had been drinking.  As we walked out, my friend Jenny (from other threads) pointed out that she could totally understand why I would be particularly uncomfortable leaving this person alone in my apartment in light of what had happened in the past with her.  I had actually told this girl in other circumstances that I would never want to have her in my apartment alone.  Another friend said that the girl was being ridiculous, that it was my apartment, and she should have gotten up and left when I asked her to.

I think you're vastly overestimating the shock and horror that your friends would have felt if you had thrown Golllum Girl out. It sounds as if they were basically telling you that you should have done so.

Agreed.  And honestly, you maybe need to stop caring if something is "unprecedented".  Someone has to do it first.  This was the time to do it.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: sammycat on March 13, 2013, 05:30:13 AM
#1:  The next time Gollum Girl gets behind the wheel of any vehicle drunk-you call the police 911 with the make, model and license number of the car.  Drunk driving has NOTHING to do with etiquette, friendship, or niceness.  I pray she gets caught by the cops and wakes up before she injures/kills someone else with her hubris.

#2:  You had the backing of your friends as you were all leaving your apt.  Their comments showed this.  I don't believe it would have ruined anyone's night if you made Gollum Girl get up and leave with you all.

#3:  Do not invite this chick anywhere ever.  You can't help it if she's invited to a group activity, but you do not have to invite her to your home or events.


Agreed x gazillion.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: nyarlathotep on March 13, 2013, 05:47:21 AM
#1:  The next time Gollum Girl gets behind the wheel of any vehicle drunk-you call the police 911 with the make, model and license number of the car.  Drunk driving has NOTHING to do with etiquette, friendship, or niceness.  I pray she gets caught by the cops and wakes up before she injures/kills someone else with her hubris.

#2:  You had the backing of your friends as you were all leaving your apt.  Their comments showed this.  I don't believe it would have ruined anyone's night if you made Gollum Girl get up and leave with you all.

#3:  Do not invite this chick anywhere ever.  You can't help it if she's invited to a group activity, but you do not have to invite her to your home or events.


Agreed x gazillion.

Thirded.

May I ask what the Ring Saga is? Could someone provide a link?
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: magician5 on March 13, 2013, 06:11:49 AM
Richard Wagner's four-opera cycle "Der Ring des Nibelungen" (The Ring of the Nibelung) is meant to be performed in series (but over 4 nights) and takes 16 hours start to finish.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: Winterlight on March 13, 2013, 12:04:41 PM
This thread is the ring issue:
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=111193.0
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: Mal on March 13, 2013, 12:16:12 PM
OP, from the first paragraphs you write about that woman - that she is prone to drunk driving, that she's in denial about how much she drinks - it's reasonable to conclude that this person is an alcoholic.

Don't invite an alcoholic to a drinking game.
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: Harriet Jones on March 13, 2013, 12:54:17 PM
Richard Wagner's four-opera cycle "Der Ring des Nibelungen" (The Ring of the Nibelung) is meant to be performed in series (but over 4 nights) and takes 16 hours start to finish.

That's the Ring Cycle - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Der_Ring_des_Nibelungen
Title: Re: What to do about a squatter? Updated Full Story on #29
Post by: YummyMummy66 on March 19, 2013, 10:47:39 AM
Your home.  Your rules. 

I don't care what your other friends think.  If you do not want to invite this girl into your home, you don't.  If they have a problem with it, then you will find out who your real friends are.

This girl sounds like a real peach and I don't mean that in a good way.

Maybe everyone would like to cut the cord, but eveyrone is thinking the same as you.  Don't want to rock the nest.

Someone has to be the first person to do so.