Etiquette Hell

Etiquette School is in session! => "I'm afraid that won't be possible." => Topic started by: Jenny13 on March 12, 2013, 12:38:13 PM

Title: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Jenny13 on March 12, 2013, 12:38:13 PM
My Dh and I have a great friend.  DH grew up with him and they have always been close. I've known dh's friend for 15 years.  He started dating "Annie" about 5 years ago and although she appeared nice it didn't take long for her true colors to appear.  For the past 5 years she has made subtle comments that are rude in nature...comments such as stating that I'm a ditz and also putting down my artwork.  I'm not sure if she is trying to be funny or just rude.  It turns out that I do not find her to be a very nice person so imagine my surprise when she asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.  I have always been cordial to her for my dh's and our friends sake so I said yes, and thanked her for thinking of me.  I immediatly told her that anything I could do to help with the planning process would be my pleasure, she said thanks and time went on.  Everything was alright for a while. She picked a dress and then emailed me the style so I could go try it on.  She lives 4 hours away so meeting her to go try on dresses was near impossible between work and handling my household.  She emailed me the dress and style and gave me a week to go try the dress on. The dress shop she chose was 2 hours away.  I told her it would have to be the following week.  The following week I went with DH during a snowstorm to try the dress on.  As requested, I took a picture of me in it and sent it to her.  She then said "make sure it fits and is comfortable" I stated "Well it isn't the correct size as they did not have my size and the dress that I order will be taken in in a few areas as I planned on losing some left over baby weight prior to the wedding".  She sent this back to me (mind you it was November) "I really don't have time to deal with dress issues, if you plan on losing weight then you need to do it sooner than later so we don't run into last minute issues".  I was really upset by this...who was she to tell me I cannot lose weight and if I do then I need to do it NOW!?!? I simply texted her back saying all was good and I would have my dress taylored, no big deal. 
Fast foward a few weeks, she decides after I drove the 2 hours to try the dress on that she will not be going with that one afterall and I will need to special order my dress.  She sends me the link with the dress and say's it takes 2 weeks to arrive after ordered.  She has sent me weekly texts demanding when I will get my dress.  The wedding is June 1st.  So far I have done everything she asked, if I'm a little late ordering my dress due to some money issues it isn't a huge deal...! I told her that my dress would be ordered this month (I planned on the 25th when I get paid). She sent me a text last night "You and your DH are the only ones who have not gotten your tux and dress yet, please do so by Friday!! I do not like last minutes things!!" I was angry, I mean very angry! Am I wrong to feel this way? I mean I know it's her wedding, I planned one myself and it was very stressful but isn't it the little things she should worry about rather then try to micromanage everyone 2 and a half months from the wedding. This has been going on non stop since November.  At this point I know it's too late to back out of the wedding, but I'm really upset with her.  She also originally gave my dh the deadline to get fitted for his tux by April 30th, why is she telling him he has to have it done by this Friday...it's a control issue.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Kaypeep on March 12, 2013, 12:53:04 PM
I think she's being unreasonable and too bossy.    Can you call DH's friend and speak to him about this?  Maybe he can tell her to back off and stop treating you like a child, and sending such demanding messages.  Can he reassure her that you and DH have things under control and she needs to back off a bit?  Another option, I'd just start sending brief replies like "got it/will do/understood/okeydoke" that are non committal but acknowledge you got her message.  Then do what you need to do-on your own schedule, not hers- and keep her posted when it's done.  Don't be at her beck and call, let her realize  you have it under control.  Let her get herself in a lather, but don't put yourself or DH in one.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Jenny13 on March 12, 2013, 01:05:15 PM
Thank you! I tried sending her simple replies..she seems to WANT answers right away.  I never agreed to be bullied like this.  I think sometimes brides do not see how much money people that stand up for them are shelling out...it's not just about finances it's more about her micromanaging issues and acting as though grown adults cannot follow through. Ugh...I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees this as an issue.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: TurtleDove on March 12, 2013, 01:05:55 PM
She then said "make sure it fits and is comfortable" I stated "Well it isn't the correct size as they did not have my size and the dress that I order will be taken in in a few areas as I planned on losing some left over baby weight prior to the wedding".  She sent this back to me (mind you it was November) "I really don't have time to deal with dress issues, if you plan on losing weight then you need to do it sooner than later so we don't run into last minute issues".  I was really upset by this...who was she to tell me I cannot lose weight and if I do then I need to do it NOW!?!? I simply texted her back saying all was good and I would have my dress taylored, no big deal. 

I agree this person is in the wrong, but I think you should not mention that you intend to lose weight if you do not want people to comment on it.  I think if you had stuck to your final comment that you would have the dress tailored you could have avoided the hard feelings.  Again, I think the bride is wrong, but I understand where she is coming from being concerned that a dress ordered based on a plan that might not come to fruition could result in a last minute "my dress doesn't fit" fiasco. I would do my best to not take what she says or does personally.  You didn't like her before, you are not likely to grow to like her now, she will presumably always be a part of your life if the friend is a part of your life and married to her, so just accept that she's rude and do what you can to not allow her personality flaws to negatively affect you.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Jenny13 on March 12, 2013, 01:06:32 PM
Dh's friend texted dh earlier to ask if they can talk later....DH said of course. I told dh he needs to stand up for me.  I'll be in her wedding but she needs to calm down and stop being so bossy.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Jenny13 on March 12, 2013, 01:10:28 PM
She then said "make sure it fits and is comfortable" I stated "Well it isn't the correct size as they did not have my size and the dress that I order will be taken in in a few areas as I planned on losing some left over baby weight prior to the wedding".  She sent this back to me (mind you it was November) "I really don't have time to deal with dress issues, if you plan on losing weight then you need to do it sooner than later so we don't run into last minute issues".  I was really upset by this...who was she to tell me I cannot lose weight and if I do then I need to do it NOW!?!? I simply texted her back saying all was good and I would have my dress taylored, no big deal. 

I agree this person is in the wrong, but I think you should not mention that you intend to lose weight if you do not want people to comment on it.  I think if you had stuck to your final comment that you would have the dress tailored you could have avoided the hard feelings.  Again, I think the bride is wrong, but I understand where she is coming from being concerned that a dress ordered based on a plan that might not come to fruition could result in a last minute "my dress doesn't fit" fiasco. I would do my best to not take what she says or does personally.  You didn't like her before, you are not likely to grow to like her now, she will presumably always be a part of your life if the friend is a part of your life and married to her, so just accept that she's rude and do what you can to not allow her personality flaws to negatively affect you.

Thanks, TurtleDove! That's pretty much what I'm doing now. I've known her for five years already and she hasn't changed much at all.  I told DH that I cannot take her being rude anymore (She's taken it even further) I texted her and told her that I will be getting my dress this month as previously stated and further said weddings are stressful enough regarding the little things and there is no need to micromanage adults...gulp...I couldn't help it.  It's now up to Dh and our friend to work this out.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: SiotehCat on March 12, 2013, 01:12:22 PM
I do not think she is being a bridezilla.

I would remind her that she gave DH until April to get his tux, but that is the only thing that I think she is wrong about.

You admit that you are late in ordering the dress. I don't think she is unreasonable to want it done now. Even if her wedding isnt until June.

How can your DH defend you on that, when you admit that you are late in ordering it?

Its her wedding and I don't think she is wrong to want to have everything taken care of.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Really? on March 12, 2013, 01:13:44 PM
Hi

So I'm wondering what you two are going to say if the friend mentions that his OH wants to know if you want out of the bridal party?

Onlyme
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: JenJay on March 12, 2013, 01:16:02 PM
I would reply "I am unable to order the dress until I get paid on the 25th. If you need me to step down I understand. Let me know what you'd like me to do."

It's okay that she wants to get things done asap, and it's okay that you can't afford to do them when she wants. It may not work out for you to be a bridesmaid and it's better to find out now rather than after you've invested money.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Jenny13 on March 12, 2013, 01:22:15 PM
I do not think she is being a bridezilla.

I would remind her that she gave DH until April to get his tux, but that is the only thing that I think she is wrong about.

You admit that you are late in ordering the dress. I don't think she is unreasonable to want it done now. Even if her wedding isnt until June.

How can your DH defend you on that, when you admit that you are late in ordering it?

Its her wedding and I don't think she is wrong to want to have everything taken care of.


I worded it wrong perhaps in my op.  I'm not actually "late" pesay in ordering my dress, she's just been asking about it since December. She also gave me a cut off date of April 30th (everything needs to be done by that date) so why is she texting me that last night when I already told her it would be ordered this month regardless.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Jenny13 on March 12, 2013, 01:23:39 PM
Hi

So I'm wondering what you two are going to say if the friend mentions that his OH wants to know if you want out of the bridal party?

Onlyme

I would be in her bridal party, that isn't the issue. The issue is that she feels and talks as though no one has anything to do aside from her wedding.  She's giving deadlines after she already set a deadline previously....
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: cutejellybeen on March 12, 2013, 01:51:39 PM
I think the way the bride is communicating isnt perhaps the best, and it sucks that she changed dresses on you after you'd already gone to such trouble to try it on. I do understand though why she would be panicking a little about not having the dress ordered yet.  for my late june wedding we started shopping in november because things can take ages to come in, and for june if there are alterations needed the months leading up to it were prime prom season, I had to have my wedding dress in alterations starting april 1.  When I was in my friends wedding last year we ordered dresses in June for October, and thank god we did, as after 8 weeks, my dress came in wrong. If we hadnt had that buffer we would have been screwed. ( the dresses came in later than we'd been promised, and then I had to fight with the owner to prove that she'd ordered me the wrong dress).

Even though she did give you a later deadline, I can see why all of this would be playing on her mind, and stressing her out. Again though , I do think she's communicating it to you badly.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: DragonKitty on March 12, 2013, 02:10:39 PM
Yes, she is being a bit of a bridezilla.  She had already changed the dress on you once, she could change her mind and want a different dress after you've ordered it.

If you need to wait until you have the money, then wait until you have the money, unless she is going to pay for it.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: LazyDaisy on March 12, 2013, 02:27:49 PM
I do not think she is being a bridezilla.

I would remind her that she gave DH until April to get his tux, but that is the only thing that I think she is wrong about.

You admit that you are late in ordering the dress. I don't think she is unreasonable to want it done now. Even if her wedding isn't until June.

How can your DH defend you on that, when you admit that you are late in ordering it?

Its her wedding and I don't think she is wrong to want to have everything taken care of.


I worded it wrong perhaps in my op.  I'm not actually "late" pesay in ordering my dress, she's just been asking about it since December. She also gave me a cut off date of April 30th (everything needs to be done by that date) so why is she texting me that last night when I already told her it would be ordered this month regardless.
By everything needing to be "done" did she mean just ordering being "done", or could she have perhaps meant that the dress needed to be ordered, received, and tailored "done" by April 30? Like Onlyme, I wonder if your husband's friend is going to say Bride has decided to rescind the invitation to be a bridesmaid.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Jenny13 on March 12, 2013, 02:51:32 PM
I do not think she is being a bridezilla.

I would remind her that she gave DH until April to get his tux, but that is the only thing that I think she is wrong about.

You admit that you are late in ordering the dress. I don't think she is unreasonable to want it done now. Even if her wedding isn't until June.

How can your DH defend you on that, when you admit that you are late in ordering it?

Its her wedding and I don't think she is wrong to want to have everything taken care of.


I worded it wrong perhaps in my op.  I'm not actually "late" pesay in ordering my dress, she's just been asking about it since December. She also gave me a cut off date of April 30th (everything needs to be done by that date) so why is she texting me that last night when I already told her it would be ordered this month regardless.
By everything needing to be "done" did she mean just ordering being "done", or could she have perhaps meant that the dress needed to be ordered, received, and tailored "done" by April 30? Like Onlyme, I wonder if your husband's friend is going to say Bride has decided to rescind the invitation to be a bridesmaid.

no she wants it ordered by then. It only takes a week to be delivered. My grandmother in law is a tailor and will size it accordingly within a day or two.. I think it's more about control. It's her personality.  If Dh's friend tells my dh that I'm out, then so be it. I followed all of her demands up until now...and even now it is not like I was not following them. I simply told her this month...no need for a deadline of Friday.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: NyaChan on March 12, 2013, 03:35:07 PM
I suppose this is more of a general statement than one only directed to this situation, but I simply don't get why people agree to stand up for people who they don't seem to like or why couples ask people to be in their wedding party who they don't have a good relationship with. 

Here, it seems like OP thinks she is doing the bride a huge favor by being a part of this wedding.  I can't tell from here obviously, but I'm wondering if the bride doesn't think the same from her point of view - that she is somehow doing the OP a huge favor by including her in the wedding.  I would have declined from the start, politely and kindly, but still, a no.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: SiotehCat on March 12, 2013, 03:52:53 PM
I still don't think the bride is being a bridezilla. She picked the dress over two months ago.

I think the way the bride is communicating isnt perhaps the best, and it sucks that she changed dresses on you after you'd already gone to such trouble to try it on. I do understand though why she would be panicking a little about not having the dress ordered yet.  for my late june wedding we started shopping in november because things can take ages to come in, and for june if there are alterations needed the months leading up to it were prime prom season, I had to have my wedding dress in alterations starting april 1.  When I was in my friends wedding last year we ordered dresses in June for October, and thank god we did, as after 8 weeks, my dress came in wrong. If we hadnt had that buffer we would have been screwed. ( the dresses came in later than we'd been promised, and then I had to fight with the owner to prove that she'd ordered me the wrong dress).

Even though she did give you a later deadline, I can see why all of this would be playing on her mind, and stressing her out. Again though , I do think she's communicating it to you badly.

I agree with this.

I can see why she would want to cross this off her list of things that needs to be done. So many things can go wrong when ordering dresses online.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: MerryCat on March 12, 2013, 05:35:03 PM
I still don't think the bride is being a bridezilla. She picked the dress over two months ago.

I think the way the bride is communicating isnt perhaps the best, and it sucks that she changed dresses on you after you'd already gone to such trouble to try it on. I do understand though why she would be panicking a little about not having the dress ordered yet.  for my late june wedding we started shopping in november because things can take ages to come in, and for june if there are alterations needed the months leading up to it were prime prom season, I had to have my wedding dress in alterations starting april 1.  When I was in my friends wedding last year we ordered dresses in June for October, and thank god we did, as after 8 weeks, my dress came in wrong. If we hadnt had that buffer we would have been screwed. ( the dresses came in later than we'd been promised, and then I had to fight with the owner to prove that she'd ordered me the wrong dress).

Even though she did give you a later deadline, I can see why all of this would be playing on her mind, and stressing her out. Again though , I do think she's communicating it to you badly.

I agree with this.

I can see why she would want to cross this off her list of things that needs to be done. So many things can go wrong when ordering dresses online.

Yes, but the bride gave the OP a deadline of April 30th. It's not even the middle of March yet, so OP is not late. If the bride wanted it done sooner she should have said so to start with.

Suddenly switching deadlines on someone and being mad with them for not meeting the new deadline is, in my opnion, pretty darn SS.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Hmmmmm on March 12, 2013, 05:51:15 PM
I still don't think the bride is being a bridezilla. She picked the dress over two months ago.

I think the way the bride is communicating isnt perhaps the best, and it sucks that she changed dresses on you after you'd already gone to such trouble to try it on. I do understand though why she would be panicking a little about not having the dress ordered yet.  for my late june wedding we started shopping in november because things can take ages to come in, and for june if there are alterations needed the months leading up to it were prime prom season, I had to have my wedding dress in alterations starting april 1.  When I was in my friends wedding last year we ordered dresses in June for October, and thank god we did, as after 8 weeks, my dress came in wrong. If we hadnt had that buffer we would have been screwed. ( the dresses came in later than we'd been promised, and then I had to fight with the owner to prove that she'd ordered me the wrong dress).

Even though she did give you a later deadline, I can see why all of this would be playing on her mind, and stressing her out. Again though , I do think she's communicating it to you badly.

I agree with this.

I can see why she would want to cross this off her list of things that needs to be done. So many things can go wrong when ordering dresses online.

Yes, but the bride gave the OP a deadline of April 30th. It's not even the middle of March yet, so OP is not late. If the bride wanted it done sooner she should have said so to start with.

Suddenly switching deadlines on someone and being mad with them for not meeting the new deadline is, in my opnion, pretty darn SS.

The bride does sound like a zilla.  But to clarify, based on the OP, the bride gave the groom until April 30th to order his tux. 

It sounds to me that the bride expected the bridesmaids to immediately order their dresses once she sent them the link.  The OP replied and said she'd order it "this month".  The OP wasn't clear that she meant she would order it at the END of the month.  I can't tell if the OP told the bride that she planned to order it on the 25th or not.  If she didn't then I can understand why the bride feels like the OP is just dragging her heels. 

OP, I think it would probably be best if you suggested dropping out of the wedding party. I understand accepting the role of a BM in support of your DH's friend.  It's sort of like being a BM in your brother's wedding even if you don't know the bride very well. But I think there is so much hostility between the two of you that it would continue to fester. And as a bride I'd really prefer to not have a BM who acknowledges, even privately to her DH only, that she didn't like me. 
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Oh Joy on March 12, 2013, 06:47:58 PM
I agree that she has been neither a consistent nor an effective communicator through this process, but I wouldn't go as far as to call her a bridezilla.  You and she, I believe, are managing the countless everchanging details of wedding planning and life in general the best you can.

That said, it's interesting how you went from "so I said yes, and thanked her for thinking of me.  I immediatly told her that anything I could do to help with the planning process would be my pleasure," to "I told dh he needs to stand up for me.  I'll be in her wedding but she needs to calm down and stop being so bossy." and "I texted her and told her that I will be getting my dress this month as previously stated and further said weddings are stressful enough regarding the little things and there is no need to micromanage adults..."

It sounds like you're feeling pretty adversarial.  I do wish you the best in managing the rest of this event with courtesy and grace, regardless of whether the bride accomplishes the same.

Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: GreenBird on March 12, 2013, 07:34:43 PM
I would reply "I am unable to order the dress until I get paid on the 25th. If you need me to step down I understand. Let me know what you'd like me to do."

It's okay that she wants to get things done asap, and it's okay that you can't afford to do them when she wants. It may not work out for you to be a bridesmaid and it's better to find out now rather than after you've invested money.

I strongly second JenJay's suggestion.  Offer to step down now if she wants you to, before the dress is ordered and before any more time passes. 

In fact, you could say that as it turns out, you can't really afford both the dress and the tux, so you're going to bow out so DH can be in the wedding.  Things are not going to get easier as the wedding gets closer, they're going to get harder, so take this opportunity to get out now. 
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Sharnita on March 12, 2013, 09:50:56 PM
I tend to think of a bridezilla as somebody who goes crazy when they get married and lose all the manners they formally had.  This girl sounds like she was lacking manners before the wedding became an issue.  She inulted you and your art before there were wedding issues. So she is a garden variety brat but there were warning signs before you agreed to be in the wedding.  I would do my best to get through it and then pull back from the "friendship" as much as possible,
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: katycoo on March 12, 2013, 10:03:33 PM
Bride's stress.  It just happens.

You can help her by giving her detail.  She's worried you'll forget or just won't do it.  If you can give her information and reasons, you'll relieve her worries "Bride, I get paid on teh 25th, so I've marked my diary to order it that day.  I'd like to do it earlier, but I need to wait unti the money is there.  I'll text you to confirm as soon as its done."  Then do so.

I know its frustrating, but you can help by not leaving her hanging.

Aside - I don't know why you agreed to stand up for her when you plainly don't like her.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Kaypeep on March 13, 2013, 11:37:59 AM
I tend to think of a bridezilla as somebody who goes crazy when they get married and lose all the manners they formally had.  This girl sounds like she was lacking manners before the wedding became an issue.  She inulted you and your art before there were wedding issues. So she is a garden variety brat but there were warning signs before you agreed to be in the wedding.  I would do my best to get through it and then pull back from the "friendship" as much as possible,

This is how I see it as well.  But I understand the OP being a bit conflicted because she wouldn't want anything she does to affect her DH's friendship, which is the primary friendship here.  It's tough.  I would bow out, but then again I declined being a BM in my brother's wedding because I hate BWWs and had already been a BM twice for good friends and it was very stressful and frustrating.  I did not want my negative feelings about being a BM to be interpreted as a dislike for the bride (who I did not know very well.)  I declined being a BM and offered to participate in some other way if they wanted.  I ended up doing a reading at the ceremony and was very happy.  My sister ended up a BM though and I watched her get bossed around by SIL's MOH and MOB and had to wear a very ugly dress that was not flattering at all.  I never regretted not being part of that bridal party.  My SIL has since learned that being a BM doesn't prove my loyalty to her. I'm the only family member who was not in the bridal party, but over a decade later I'm the only family member that she can count on for help with life and to be a close aunt who actually engages with her kids.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Jenny13 on March 13, 2013, 12:10:52 PM
At this point DH and I are waiting to hear back from the "blushing bride" and our friend.  He asked if he could give DH a call yesterday but has not called. I'm not sure if they will ask me to bow out or not. I'm ok if they do that.  I really should have thought about my answer before telling her yes.  We do in fact have tension in our relationship with each other and I'm not even sure where it stems from.  She has a gimme type of attitude and gives off the impression that she's better than others.
To put her personality into more perspective for everyone, she is not even inviting her future MIL to the bridal shower because she has a "slight" mental illness and when I say slight, I  mean she would be perfectly behaved at the shower but still "Annie" does not want to deal with that.  DH and I were asked to never mention the shower to his mother as she is not invited.  DH's friend was also raised by his grandmother (who is also technically future MIL) and her last name is "Williams" however, DH's friends still has his legal last name of his fathers which is ethnic to his cultural background.  "Annie" has decided that she does not want to carry his ethnic name and is making him change his name legally to "williams" before the wedding.

I checked on the dress yesterday, It is available in the color I need in all sizes and arrives to my home in 10 day's...there are no issues.  The issue I have with her right now is that I told her this month I would order it, she agreed so why send a text two day's later telling me by Friday it HAS to be ordered.  I myself planned a wedding...I understand the stress trust me! I had worse bm's then me..I don't think I'm being difficult. She gave me a time limit and I'm following it! She's trying to control every aspect, and why shouldn't she? It's her wedding, I totally agree! But she is putting friendships on the line for no reason.  We have been friends for year's Dh and our friend, he of all people should know that I will come through...we have never done anything to make them think any less. We are all adults..she should be worrying about the small details, honestly.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Morticia on March 13, 2013, 03:21:00 PM
Quote
"Annie" has decided that she does not want to carry his ethnic name and is making him change his name legally to "williams" before the wedding.

Okay, that's a bridezilla.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: SiotehCat on March 13, 2013, 03:44:02 PM
None of the new information that has been presented is any of the OPs business though. Those are all between the Bride and her future husband.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Aeris on March 13, 2013, 03:47:43 PM
None of the new information that has been presented is any of the OPs business though. Those are all between the Bride and her future husband.

Except for the fact that she clarified that she is not, in fact, 'late' in ordering the dress. At all.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: SiotehCat on March 13, 2013, 03:54:01 PM
None of the new information that has been presented is any of the OPs business though. Those are all between the Bride and her future husband.

Except for the fact that she clarified that she is not, in fact, 'late' in ordering the dress. At all.

I was talking about the Mil situation and the groom changing his last name. Those are all between the bride and her future husband.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: NyaChan on March 13, 2013, 04:04:56 PM
She may well be a bridezilla, but it sounds like she was always like this - it wasn't as if she surprised you with a hidden side of her.  Better to have declined from the start, this extra information just isn't relevant IMO.  She's being a bit controlling over the dates - I don't consider that bridezilla since if it was someone you liked, I think you wouldn't be as irritated as you could perhaps communicate about the issue more easily and resolve it. 

The problem here is that the bride asked someone she doesn't really like, and you - who don't really like her - accepted.  If they don't ask you to bow out, you might consider bowing out yourself so that you don't have to deal with her anymore in this context.  No point in making yourself unhappy for someone you don't care for.     
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Tabby Uprising on March 14, 2013, 02:07:28 PM
None of the new information that has been presented is any of the OPs business though. Those are all between the Bride and her future husband.

Except for the fact that she clarified that she is not, in fact, 'late' in ordering the dress. At all.

I was talking about the Mil situation and the groom changing his last name. Those are all between the bride and her future husband.

I completely agree, Siotehcat.  If future husband doesn't have a problem with it, what's the problem?  He knows what she is like and he not only likes her, but loves her enough to marry her.

If she's a nasty person, well, nasty is his type and what does that say about his character?  Sorry, I just hate the stereotype of nasty women somehow exerting mind control over helpless, sweet, and innocent men. 
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Miss Tickle on March 15, 2013, 10:02:22 AM
Is it possible she only invited you to be a bridesmaid because the groom wants your husband to stand up with him?

I think you should bow out anyway.  You don't like the bride, how can you support her? This is what I think of when people say someone is being P/A.  You said yes to something you didn't want to do, now you regret it but won't stand up and say forget it.  Instead you'll be sort of nice to her face and talk smack behind her back .  That's kind of cruel to the bride, no matter how you feel about her.  Do it now before you spend any money, and give her a chance to ask someone else. 
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: RooRoo on March 15, 2013, 09:11:17 PM
Quote
Instead you'll be sort of nice to her face and talk smack behind her back .  That's kind of cruel to the bride, no matter how you feel about her.

We don't know that she is talking behind the bride's back. She told the story here, without saying she told anyone besides her DH.

And if the BtB reads this story, perhaps she'll mend her ways!
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Jenny13 on March 19, 2013, 01:49:28 PM
Is it possible she only invited you to be a bridesmaid because the groom wants your husband to stand up with him?

I think you should bow out anyway.  You don't like the bride, how can you support her? This is what I think of when people say someone is being P/A.  You said yes to something you didn't want to do, now you regret it but won't stand up and say forget it.  Instead you'll be sort of nice to her face and talk smack behind her back .  That's kind of cruel to the bride, no matter how you feel about her.  Do it now before you spend any money, and give her a chance to ask someone else.

I don't know where the assumption came that I am talking "smack" behind her back.  I simply posted about it here..I'm not trotting around airing dirty laundry all over town  :P
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: cutejellybeen on March 19, 2013, 02:27:32 PM
Jenny did your DH ever speak to the groom??
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Jenny13 on March 20, 2013, 01:53:05 PM
Jenny did your DH ever speak to the groom??

He actually spoke to him today.  He explained that his btb does not like last minute things and is offended that although I am not late in ordering my dress she wanted it ordered.  Then he told my dh that she'll get over it. Why should I be worried about her getting "over" it.  We are going to discuss this at great length tonight. 
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Miss Tickle on March 20, 2013, 09:24:30 PM
Is it possible she only invited you to be a bridesmaid because the groom wants your husband to stand up with him?

I think you should bow out anyway.  You don't like the bride, how can you support her? This is what I think of when people say someone is being P/A.  You said yes to something you didn't want to do, now you regret it but won't stand up and say forget it.  Instead you'll be sort of nice to her face and talk smack behind her back .  That's kind of cruel to the bride, no matter how you feel about her.  Do it now before you spend any money, and give her a chance to ask someone else.

I don't know where the assumption came that I am talking "smack" behind her back.  I simply posted about it here..I'm not trotting around airing dirty laundry all over town  :P

Perhaps smack is a little strong, but your feelings are very clear. And just because you don't see us, we're still people to whom you are gossiping about this woman.

This is not someone you consider a friend. You accepted the "honour" of being her bridesmaid when you really didn't want to.  You "immediatly told her that anything I could do to help with the planning process would be my pleasure" and yet when she actually asks for something you get angry, "I mean very angry."

Whoa. That's not okay.

But let's pretend you are a good friend of hers and are here for a sanity check. 

It sounds like it's 10 weeks from her wedding and she's panicing a little. You are the last BM dress hold out.  You have given two different reasons (size and money) for not getting your dress yet. You've known since December what your dress would cost, yet you have nothing set aside for it.  I'll trust that you have succeeded in your mission to get into that smaller post-baby size. It's not unrealistic to have your BM dress a couple months before hand. It's great you can order a bridesmaid dress that quickly, most places recommend at least 6 weeks. Maybe she's nervous her deadlines are unrealistic.  A couple of weeks isn't much time to fix any problems. Since you are married, you know it takes much less time for a tux (they just pull the correct size from the warehouse) than a bridesmaid dress requiring alterations.  It's super lucky your GMIL can alter your dress that quickly as well, most have to fit into a dress shop's schedule, and after the alteration nightmare my friend recently went through, it's totally understandable not waiting until the last minute.

You seem to be avoiding communicating with the bride who's wedding you are supposed to be helping organize. Why is your DH talking to her DF instead of you two talking to each other?

She's okay, maybe a little stressed, why are you so angry?

It's clear that the Groom is a dear friend, so for his sake, either bow out before any money (and more hard feelings) are spent, or suck it up, think positive thoughts and try to keep your feelings to yourself.  It would be terrible if your behaviour and attitude was the end of the relationship between your DH and his friend.

It would be worse if she actually likes you, and considers you close enough to stand up with her, and this is how she's rewarded for her esteem. That's why I suggested maybe she feels the same way and only asked you because she had to, for your DH's sake, and so he wouldn't be paired with another woman at the wedding while you sat and watched.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: ladyknight1 on March 20, 2013, 09:53:13 PM
OP, I think a preemptive no would have been perfect for this situation. I don't think the bride to be is going to improve her attitude between now and the wedding.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Docslady21 on March 20, 2013, 10:53:18 PM
Is it possible she only invited you to be a bridesmaid because the groom wants your husband to stand up with him?

I think you should bow out anyway.  You don't like the bride, how can you support her? This is what I think of when people say someone is being P/A.  You said yes to something you didn't want to do, now you regret it but won't stand up and say forget it.  Instead you'll be sort of nice to her face and talk smack behind her back .  That's kind of cruel to the bride, no matter how you feel about her.  Do it now before you spend any money, and give her a chance to ask someone else.

I don't know where the assumption came that I am talking "smack" behind her back.  I simply posted about it here..I'm not trotting around airing dirty laundry all over town  :P

Perhaps smack is a little strong, but your feelings are very clear. And just because you don't see us, we're still people to whom you are gossiping about this woman. [/quote]

That's really unfair. By your logic, everyone on ehell is gossipping.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: LeveeWoman on March 21, 2013, 06:29:01 AM
Is it possible she only invited you to be a bridesmaid because the groom wants your husband to stand up with him?

I think you should bow out anyway.  You don't like the bride, how can you support her? This is what I think of when people say someone is being P/A.  You said yes to something you didn't want to do, now you regret it but won't stand up and say forget it.  Instead you'll be sort of nice to her face and talk smack behind her back .  That's kind of cruel to the bride, no matter how you feel about her.  Do it now before you spend any money, and give her a chance to ask someone else.

I don't know where the assumption came that I am talking "smack" behind her back.  I simply posted about it here..I'm not trotting around airing dirty laundry all over town  :P

Perhaps smack is a little strong, but your feelings are very clear. And just because you don't see us, we're still people to whom you are gossiping about this woman.

That's really unfair. By your logic, everyone on ehell is gossipping.
[/quote]

Indeed. Etiquette Hell would be a far, far smaller site if members didn't post about issues they're having with people off the site.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: spaceheatersusan on March 31, 2013, 10:22:37 AM

Indeed. Etiquette Hell would be a far, far smaller site if members didn't post about issues they're having with people off the site.

Not really.  The OP is bringing up issues that are not relevant to her situation at all in order to paint the bride in a bad light.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: Mental Magpie on March 31, 2013, 10:46:29 PM

Indeed. Etiquette Hell would be a far, far smaller site if members didn't post about issues they're having with people off the site.

Not really.  The OP is bringing up issues that are not relevant to her situation at all in order to paint the bride in a bad light.

Or is the OP bring up said issues to show us why she thinks of the bride the way she does?  To give us evidence as to why she feels this matter is happening?  Also, I don't understand the "not really"; in one instance you're saying LeveeWoman's comment is improbable but in the  next you're talking about something unrelated.  Could you please expand on the "not really" if it isn't related to your second sentence or explain how it is related to the second sentence if it is?  (No snark, I really don't understand the congruence between the two.)


OP, while you probably should have said "no" from the start, hindsight is 20/20.  In the current instance, I think you should just talk to the bride face to face, if possible, and if not, at least over the phone.  Start off by saying, "I want to hear your concerns but I want you to hear mine, too.  I will listen to you without interrupting if you listen to me without interrupting."  Then do exactly that.  If she doesn't hold up her end of it (ie interrupts you), tell her that you think it is best you bow out now before things get worse, offer your condolences that you couldn't be what she wanted, and hang up.
Title: Re: do you think she's being a bridezilla?
Post by: spaceheatersusan on April 17, 2013, 06:48:15 PM
Whoa, I'm replying to this really late!  Anyways, my "not really" would have made more sense if I hadn't trimmed the quote tree quite as much as I had!  The quote right above the one I commented on was that "everyone on etiquettehell was gossiping".  My point in saying "not really" was that there's a difference in telling your story and posting about issues we're having with people off the site, as opposed to sharing irrelevant details that will make the other person seem like a "bad guy" to make your case stronger.  The irrelevant details, in my opinion, is what constitutes gossiping and cattiness.