Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Dating => Topic started by: KimodoDragon on March 29, 2013, 10:26:53 AM

Title: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: KimodoDragon on March 29, 2013, 10:26:53 AM
Back in 2009, I had an account with an online dating website.  I didn’t take it seriously to hook up with anyone for love and marriage as my account was set to pen pal when I signed up.  The experience was fun for the most part, emailing and online chatting with new people from all over.  One guy, though, was hard to shake.  He was the type that would inundate with emails, chat requests and flirts.  The picture on his page was of him sitting at his computer, sans shirt, blowing a kiss to the screen with lipstick on and holding a “toy”.  He sent me a chat request asking for a full body picture of myself.  My response was “no, not interested in all that, take care”.  That brought on a barrage of inflammatory emails about misusing the website if I am not serious about hooking up.  Yeah, that’s why I marked my account pen pals only.  I reported this guy to the webmaster, but his account remained active.  In the girls only chat room, this guy had a reputation for being aggressive, combative when rebuffed and having a weird vibe.  One lady in the chat room actually met up with him for drinks one night and had to literally run from him when he exposed himself to her.  About a year later, I closed that account.

Fast forward to 2013.  I volunteer on Saturdays with a group who sorts through clothes and ready them for thrift store sale.  We work in pairs and Amber and I always work together.  We are not close friends, but are acquaintances.  Last Saturday, the day was winding down and everyone moved toward the front of the store to prepare to lock up and leave.  Amber was staring out the door saying she was waiting for her ride.  It was a guy she met online a month ago and today they were going to lunch for the first time.  She asked that I stay with her until he arrives.  My first thought was she is getting in a car with a guy she is meeting for the first time, from online.  I asked her was she sure she wanted to do this citing this was her first time meeting him and the potential hazards that could come from it.  She said yes, firmly.  So I didn’t say anything further.

While there were still a few other workers in the parking lot, a car with black-tinted windows pulls up at the far end.  The guy gets out, Amber waves and he walks over.  Yup – it’s him.  I. Could. Not. Believe. It.  He looked the same.  She introduced us, but he grunted and never made eye contact.  He’s never seen me before, so I wasn’t concerned about me.  I was concerned about her.  Before I could say anything, she said goodbye, took his hand, walked back to his car and they pulled off.

If I see Amber tomorrow at the thrift store, should I say anything?  I gotta tell you, I worried all week about her.  I emailed her on Monday and Thursday, but received no response.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: Redwing on March 29, 2013, 10:49:13 AM
Well, yes, I do think so.  It's not like you're rumor-mongering.  Tell her of your own experience with the guy.  He sounds rather creepy to put it mildly.  You don't want to have 20-20 hindsight and say, "If I had only said something..."
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: gramma dishes on March 29, 2013, 11:14:54 AM
...  I emailed her on Monday and Thursday, but received no response.   ...

This is concerning.

I don't really know what you could have done to stop her from leaving other than pretending to have a really serious emergency situation that would absolutely REQUIRE her to accompany you back inside the store -- alone -- for a couple of minutes and of course, we never think of doing things like that when we've been completely taken by surprise as you were in this instance.

Hopefully she'll show up at her usual time tomorrow.  Maybe I'd wait and see if SHE mentions how her lunch date went.  If she does not, I don't know whether I'd say anything or not.  Even if she does (and it's negative) I'm not sure I would.  If she thought you knew and didn't warn her, that might be a little awkward. 

Maybe you could just say, "You know, after you left I kept thinking I'd seen his face somewhere before and even his name sounded familiar but I just couldn't immediately place it.  Right after you left, I remembered where I'd seen that face and heard that name."  And then see if she wants to hear your story.

Although you describe HIS picture on the website, you didn't mention whether or not there was one of you (at the time) or whether or not he knew your name.   Was there anything in her introduction of you that might have clued him in that you had had some previous "experience" with him?  If he did recognize your name or face, he may have filled her with stories about how you chased him unmercifully and he had had to 'let you go', so it was awkward seeing you "again".  You never know what these types will come up with.

Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: SamiHami on March 29, 2013, 11:20:21 AM
Most definitely talk to her about this guy. You have important information that might well affect her safety; it would be negligent to not share it. After that, if she says, "Meh, I still like him" that's on her. But you should definitely arm her with your information about the guy.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: Auntie Mame on March 29, 2013, 11:30:07 AM
Yes, yes, yes by all means say something.  I recently warned a friend about a predator type guy.  We were at a party where she met him for the first time and i saw him lock targets on her and start flirting aggressively.  Later I pulled her aside away from anyone and warned her that this guy boundary stomping jerk who's been alienating women left ride and sideways, including me.  She was very, very grateful for the warning.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: cicero on March 29, 2013, 12:06:49 PM
yes!

if she continues to see him, that's on her.

if the tables were turned, wouldn't you want to know?
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: ilrag on March 29, 2013, 12:13:56 PM
Quote
One lady in the chat room actually met up with him for drinks one night and had to literally run from him when he exposed himself to her.  About a year later, I closed that account.

At the very least you should make her aware of this story.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: GreenEyedHawk on March 29, 2013, 12:55:31 PM
Yes!  Yes you should tell her.  This is one of those times where safety trumps etiquette.  If she continues to see him after, that's on her, but you definitely don't want hindsight, especially if something bad happens to her.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: doodlemor on March 30, 2013, 01:37:55 PM
I agree with the PP that you should clue her in.  This guy sounds like a predator.

Hopefully, Amber turned up today to help you sort clothes.  If she didn't, and no one has heard from her,  I  think that you probably should ask the police to do a welfare check on her.  This may seem a bit precipitate, but it is their job to do things like this.

I don't know how often you email each other.  If this is a regular thing then the lack of response to your two emails seems ominous.

And yes, I do read a lot of Ann Rule books.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: KimodoDragon on April 01, 2013, 07:39:04 AM
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: Cz. Burrito on April 01, 2013, 08:21:27 AM
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

This seems awfully soon for a weekend trip...  ???
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: SiotehCat on April 01, 2013, 08:29:02 AM
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

This seems awfully soon for a weekend trip...  ???

Well, the OP only says they are planning it. That doesn't mean they will be going next weekend.

But also, its been 4 years since the OP knew him. A lot could have happened during that time and this man might not be the same man.

I think its good that the OP told Amber what she knew, but now its on Amber.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #9
Post by: Twik on April 01, 2013, 08:46:56 AM
At some point, people will not learn if you tell them. They'll only learn by experience.

And some women don't object to behaviour that would set most other women running. I had a roommate once who enjoyed getting obscene phonecalls, and was disappointed (and puzzled) when they never called back. It takes all kinds, I suppose.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: bah12 on April 01, 2013, 09:40:21 AM
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

This seems awfully soon for a weekend trip...  ???

Well, the OP only says they are planning it. That doesn't mean they will be going next weekend.

But also, its been 4 years since the OP knew him. A lot could have happened during that time and this man might not be the same man.

I think its good that the OP told Amber what she knew, but now its on Amber.

I agree.  I think the OP was good to tell Amber about her past experience with this guy.  But, keep in mind that people can change and mature a lot in 4 years.  It's very possible he is not the same person (at least when it comes to his playboy/aggressive ways). 

That being said, Amber now has some backstory and can look for red flags that may indicate that he's not changed (maybe just got better at the 'game').  The OP has done all she can.  Amber is an adult and proceeds from here on her own.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #9
Post by: afbluebelle on April 01, 2013, 11:50:58 PM
I had a roommate once who enjoyed getting obscene phonecalls, and was disappointed (and puzzled) when they never called back. It takes all kinds, I suppose.

Those are kind of fun! I like to think of it as a reverse prank call... the would-be pervy person on the other line gets creeped out if you play along! Although, 9 times out of 10 I have known who was making the dumb call in the first place. Hooray for call ID!
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #9
Post by: Erich L-ster on April 02, 2013, 12:29:32 AM
If the guy's old creepy posts/photos/profile are still up online you could ask her if she'd want to see them and forward her the links.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: Iris on April 02, 2013, 01:46:43 AM
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

This seems awfully soon for a weekend trip...  ???

I'm with you, but Amber is an adult so KimodoDragon has done all she can. Personally even being invited on a weekend trip - to a family cabin, no less - within days of meeting someone would set red flags waving like mad, though.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: sweetonsno on April 02, 2013, 03:28:54 AM
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

This seems awfully soon for a weekend trip...  ???

I'm with you, but Amber is an adult so KimodoDragon has done all she can. Personally even being invited on a weekend trip - to a family cabin, no less - within days of meeting someone would set red flags waving like mad, though.

I do think that KimodoDragon has done her duty in terms of giving a heads-up. However, if Amber mentions that the weekend trip is coming up soon, I think it would be acceptable to get some extra information. Where is the cabin, when is Amber supposed to get there/return, is there a contact number if there's some sort of emergency? I don't think that would be overstepping so long as KimodoDragon can avoid implying that she suspects that The Guy has nefarious intentions.

Title: Re: Should I Say Anything?
Post by: wolfie on April 02, 2013, 09:17:54 AM
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

This seems awfully soon for a weekend trip...  ???

I'm with you, but Amber is an adult so KimodoDragon has done all she can. Personally even being invited on a weekend trip - to a family cabin, no less - within days of meeting someone would set red flags waving like mad, though.

I do think that KimodoDragon has done her duty in terms of giving a heads-up. However, if Amber mentions that the weekend trip is coming up soon, I think it would be acceptable to get some extra information. Where is the cabin, when is Amber supposed to get there/return, is there a contact number if there's some sort of emergency? I don't think that would be overstepping so long as KimodoDragon can avoid implying that she suspects that The Guy has nefarious intentions.

This would only be acceptable if KimodoDragon has a relationship outside of volunteering with Amber. Information like that is for close friends and family. If someone I volunteered with asked me those questions I would be taking a big step back from them and there is no way I would ever even consider answering.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #9
Post by: Gyburc on April 02, 2013, 11:05:28 AM
I have to agree. Kimododragon, you did the right thing by warning Amber, but now you should definitely step back and let her get on with the relationship - unless of course you have absolutely solid reasons to believe that he is endangering her in some way.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #9
Post by: KimodoDragon on April 02, 2013, 12:01:40 PM
OP here.

Yes, I am standing down about Amber.  We do volunteer work together, but do not socialize outside of that.  I gave her information she should know and she took it.  What she does now about the guy is her decision.

I just hope to continue seeing her every Saturday and she is well.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #9
Post by: KimodoDragon on April 08, 2013, 07:38:55 AM
Hello All,

I worked with Amber this past Saturday at our volunteer job.  She seemed a bit distant.  I asked her how was her week, she answered "fine".  I asked her where were the price tags for our sorted items, she answered "in back".  I got the hint, so I didn't say anything else to her for the rest of our shift.  I figured if she felt like chatting like we normally would, she could initiate.  During the lunch break, I grabbed a sandwich, my Kindle and sat at a table.  Amber sat nearby with a couple other workers.  I overhear her say, "You know when you are in a successful relationship after such a short time, there will be people who are doubtful, jealous and envious and will try to tear you down.  I stay away from people like that".  I did not look up her way nor did I say anything to her.  I don't even know if she was referring to me, but I am not vested enough to care. 

After the shift was over, all workers are going to their cars and I see Amber standing at the edge of the parking lot.  As I pass, I wave, she turns her back.  Oh well. 

As I mentioned before, we are not friends, just acquaintances who do this volunteer work on Saturdays.  It wouldn't be a loss if she just stopped interacting with me altogether.  BUT, we are partnered to work together.  Would it be rude to ask for another partner?  Or, since she has started to act differently toward me, should I just wait until she asks to be partnered with someone else?  I think she may do this.

Thanks.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: Nemesis on April 08, 2013, 08:28:26 AM
Wow thatis tough. I am really sorry that Amber took it that way. I do notice that people tend to shoot the messenger since it is easier to believe that they are wrong/bad/jealous than it is to believe that themselves are making really bad judgment calls.

You did the right thing. And Amber will take it the way she will. I think as long as you both remain civil and professional, continuing the partnership will be okay. It is Uncomfortable, but should be okay anyway. I would only ask to switch if she starts doing something that sabotages the partnership.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: Twik on April 08, 2013, 10:01:33 AM
Amber reminds me of a roommate of mine. Life, to them, is a great Soap Opera, and they are the female lead. Every man who comes around is Fabio, until the inevitable breakup/assault/infidelity, etc. You have apparently stepped into the supporting role of the False Friend, who tries to sabotage the great romance.

As they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

The upside is, such people have a tendency to land on their feet. Trying to help them before they want help is fruitless, and there is no sense worrying more about them then they worry about themselves.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: FlyingBaconMouse on April 08, 2013, 10:09:19 AM
Amber reminds me of a roommate of mine. Life, to them, is a great Soap Opera, and they are the female lead. Every man who comes around is Fabio, until the inevitable breakup/assault/infidelity, etc. You have apparently stepped into the supporting role of the False Friend, who tries to sabotage the great romance.

As they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

The upside is, such people have a tendency to land on their feet. Trying to help them before they want help is fruitless, and there is no sense worrying more about them then they worry about themselves.

POD. Amber, at least in this aspect of her life, appears to be a child, and I'd avoid her from now on.

If I really thought someone was plotting against me, I'd be cautious and wait to see what they do next, not blat within earshot about how Some People Don't Understand Love. Sheesh.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: Hillia on April 08, 2013, 10:29:00 AM
It also sounds suspiciously like an abuser beginning to groom his victim.  No one else understands how special our love is; they're just jealous.  They're trying to break us up and come between us.  I'm the only one you can trust.  She had a chance with me and blew it, now she doesn't want anyone else to have me.

Unfortunate, but there's nothing you can do about it except be ready if/when things blow up.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: gramma dishes on April 08, 2013, 10:34:51 AM
It also sounds suspiciously like an abuser beginning to groom his victim.  No one else understands how special our love is; they're just jealous.  They're trying to break us up and come between us.  I'm the only one you can trust.  She had a chance with me and blew it, now she doesn't want anyone else to have me.

Unfortunate, but there's nothing you can do about it except be ready if/when things blow up.

This.  Exactly this.  I had started a post saying the same exact thing, and then saw this one.

No doubt she's not the brightest bulb in the box and I'm sure she told him what you said.  He then fed her the classic "Oh, she's just jealous.  She wanted me SO MUCH, but I just wasn't interested in her.  So now she's trying to keep me away from you."  and then on to the rest of Hilia's most accurate post.

By the way.  When this all explodes in her face (and it almost certainly will), don't expect her to come back to you at any time and say "Ya' know what?  You were right!"  She's unlikely to ever admit that and in fact may be quite embarrassed to even see you again because it would be a reminder that she HAD been told.  I'd expect her to drop out of volunteering just to avoid you.

I'd act totally normally around her (the way you would with any acquaintance as opposed to a close friend) and never mention this guy again in any way, shape or form.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: DavidH on April 08, 2013, 10:56:14 AM
He sounds like a piece of work, but it does seems a stretch at this point to decide he's an abuser.  It's been 4 years, people can change.

Assuming Hillia's script is right, he could either be an abuser or just perceptive.  The OP was trying to break them up and come between them.  Yes, she has good intentions, but that doesn't change the basic fact. 

Even the nicest person would not react well to the OP warning the person with whom they are starting dating about them.

I think you have to say, you did what you thought was right and it was going to end one of two ways, either she'd drop him or drop you since there really isn't a likely middle ground.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: KimodoDragon on April 08, 2013, 11:45:19 AM
Yes, the way she acted Saturday led me to believe she mentioned to him what I told her and now he is on a campaign to turn her "against" me.  Or anyone else who might question his intents with Amber.  So, she in turns, shoots the messenger.  It's all very ridiculous.  Amber is inserting drama where none really needs to be.

I will continue doing my volunteer work with or without her.  I would never again mention the guy because I said what I had to say and it's over as far as I'm concerned.  I won't let her actions disrupt my work.  I just hope she doesn't do anything wonky.

Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: Sophia on April 08, 2013, 12:01:11 PM
She seems to be going very fast even if she hadn't been warned about him.  Holding hands the second they meet face-to-face?  Cabin as the second date?
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: Twik on April 08, 2013, 12:10:57 PM
She seems to be going very fast even if she hadn't been warned about him.  Holding hands the second they meet face-to-face?  Cabin as the second date?

Well, my roommate I mentioned above worked so fast that she met one man at the door for her first date wearing a chiffon negligee.

As much as you want to take these people and tell them that they can't live their lives as if they're in a particularly overwritten soap, they'll not believe you. And, strangely, they seem to get away with a lot of things that the rest of us would never survive.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: Cz. Burrito on April 08, 2013, 02:34:16 PM
It was unlikely that what you said would have gone over well, but I feel that you did the right thing by telling her about your experience.  Going any further than that would have been overstepping, but you didn't do that.  You gave her fair warning and dropped it to let her continue on as she wished to.

Hopefully this won't impact your volunteer work too terribly much.  If her not speaking to you starts to become an impediment, I think it would be okay to ask for a different shift/pairing. 
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: Twik on April 08, 2013, 02:45:46 PM
I suspect she'll be talking to you again once the Next Thrilling Installment in The Story of Her Life comes out.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: TootsNYC on April 08, 2013, 04:04:25 PM
She seems to be going very fast even if she hadn't been warned about him.  Holding hands the second they meet face-to-face?  Cabin as the second date?

Well, my roommate I mentioned above worked so fast that she met one man at the door for her first date wearing a chiffon negligee.

As much as you want to take these people and tell them that they can't live their lives as if they're in a particularly overwritten soap, they'll not believe you. And, strangely, they seem to get away with a lot of things that the rest of us would never survive.

That's because they're supremely confident. Everyone *knows* the heroine of the movie doesn't die. And even if she has heartaches, she will always have a happy ending.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: Danika on April 08, 2013, 08:45:48 PM
I still think you did the right thing. Most people would be glad for the warning.

If it's not too hard to get another partner, I'd see if you can switch. I predict that at some point their relationship will end poorly and like a PP said, instead of her telling you "you were right. Thanks anyway," she'll just resent the fact that you were right. And there will be even more drama. I wouldn't want to be there to endure any other drama she wants to bring or P/A scream about in your direction.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: Sara Crewe on April 10, 2013, 05:53:23 AM
You were definitely right to tell her and also right to back off once you'd done so. 

I hope the cabin isn't isolated and she has the sense to drive her own car up, but she is an adult and you don't know her that well.  At the very least, your warning might encourage her to take some precautions.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: AmethystAnne on April 14, 2013, 09:23:18 AM
OP, If you had not said anything to her, and when the situation goes wrong, she would be mad at you because you didn't say anything.  "D***** if you do, d***** if you don't."
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: KimodoDragon on May 29, 2013, 02:32:36 PM
Hello EH,

This morning, I received an email from Amber (cut and pasted below).  I haven't seen Amber in three Saturdays and I admit, I have been worried about her.  But seeing how cool she'd been towards me, I didn't contact to check on her.  Now, she is reaching out, it seems.  The thing that sticks out for me is "our place".  Would it be rude to ignore her email? 

"hello, long time-no talk!  well, i have not been around as you know, keeping busy. what have you been up to, busy?  wanna talk to you about something, you can come by our place - Amber"
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Shoo on May 29, 2013, 02:48:05 PM
Hello EH,

This morning, I received an email from Amber (cut and pasted below).  I haven't seen Amber in three Saturdays and I admit, I have been worried about her.  But seeing how cool she'd been towards me, I didn't contact to check on her.  Now, she is reaching out, it seems.  The thing that sticks out for me is "our place".  Would it be rude to ignore her email? 

"hello, long time-no talk!  well, i have not been around as you know, keeping busy. what have you been up to, busy?  wanna talk to you about something, you can come by our place - Amber"

Do you want to hear what she has to say?  If so, then tell her you'd like to meet up with her, but at YOUR place, not hers.  If she really wants to talk to you, she will accept your invitation.  Or meet up at a neutral place, like a restaurant or coffee shop.  There's no way I'd go to "their" place. 
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: JenJay on May 29, 2013, 02:49:42 PM
Hello EH,

This morning, I received an email from Amber (cut and pasted below).  I haven't seen Amber in three Saturdays and I admit, I have been worried about her.  But seeing how cool she'd been towards me, I didn't contact to check on her.  Now, she is reaching out, it seems.  The thing that sticks out for me is "our place".  Would it be rude to ignore her email? 

"hello, long time-no talk!  well, i have not been around as you know, keeping busy. what have you been up to, busy?  wanna talk to you about something, you can come by our place - Amber"

Do you want to hear what she has to say?  If so, then tell her you'd like to meet up with her, but at YOUR place, not hers.  If she really wants to talk to you, she will accept your invitation.  Or meet up at a neutral place, like a restaurant or coffee shop.  There's no way I'd go to "their" place. 

Yep. Except I wouldn't want him to find out where I lived so I'd definitely make it neutral. Meet for coffee or something like that.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Hmmmmm on May 29, 2013, 02:56:48 PM
No way I'd go to "their" place. Sounds too much like an ambush.

I would be too curious to ignore her message though. I think I'd respond back with a "Nice to hear from you. Been really busy. Is it urgent? Are you planning to volunteer any future Saturdays? Maybe we could chat then."
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: jedikaiti on May 29, 2013, 03:25:28 PM
Oh yea, totally neutral ground meeting spot. No way would I go to "their" place (guessing the other person is The Guy), and no way would I want him to know where I lived (were I the OP).
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: ladyknight1 on May 29, 2013, 03:45:31 PM
OP, does that sound like something Amber would say or write? My suspicious mind is telling me it was written by the guy.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Amara on May 29, 2013, 03:55:19 PM
Yeah, big, busy neutral place far away from where you live. I'd also suggest having a trustworthy friend come but not be with you, just off by himself or herself but where he/she can watch and maybe hear what is going on. And make sure you have an "appointment" so you have to leave within 20 minutes. And this may be too much for you (though it wouldn't be for me): park two blocks away and walk up to the neutral place.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: gramma dishes on May 29, 2013, 04:27:02 PM
OP  ~~  I think what you do depends on what you want to happen.

If you actually think Amber is close enough of a friend that you actually CARE one way or another, then maybe you should follow the advice other people have given.  Meet, but not at either "their" place or at your place.  Neutral ground and in public.

Since she hasn't been volunteering with you for a few weeks, are you just as well off without her in your life?  If so, you might just want to ignore her email. 

I do understand your curiosity about this (and I certainly would be incredibly curious in your shoes -- heck I admit to being curious myself and I'm not even involved!) it might be better to just let this one slide off.  It doesn't matter whether it slides off into the sunset on white horses or slides over the cliff.  As long as you aren't involved, it won't affect your life.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Bethalize on May 29, 2013, 04:39:41 PM
"Our place"?

Oh, E-hell no! Avoid, avoid, avoid. Big red flashing lights are shining all the way across the Atlantic Ocean. Ignore that text, and the next text and any thereafter. You do not want to engage.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: wheeitsme on May 29, 2013, 06:39:57 PM
Hello EH,

This morning, I received an email from Amber (cut and pasted below).  I haven't seen Amber in three Saturdays and I admit, I have been worried about her.  But seeing how cool she'd been towards me, I didn't contact to check on her.  Now, she is reaching out, it seems.  The thing that sticks out for me is "our place".  Would it be rude to ignore her email? 

"hello, long time-no talk!  well, i have not been around as you know, keeping busy. what have you been up to, busy?  wanna talk to you about something, you can come by our place - Amber"

Okay. That's just reeeeeally creepy. 
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: kansha on May 29, 2013, 06:47:47 PM
"our place"?  so within this short span of time they're now living together?  :o
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
Post by: Curious Cat on May 29, 2013, 06:52:57 PM
Hello EH,

This morning, I received an email from Amber (cut and pasted below).  I haven't seen Amber in three Saturdays and I admit, I have been worried about her.  But seeing how cool she'd been towards me, I didn't contact to check on her.  Now, she is reaching out, it seems.  The thing that sticks out for me is "our place".  Would it be rude to ignore her email? 

"hello, long time-no talk!  well, i have not been around as you know, keeping busy. what have you been up to, busy?  wanna talk to you about something, you can come by our place - Amber"

Okay. That's just reeeeeally creepy.

Like really, really creepy.  OP is this how amber normally sounds in her emails? Because this is just screaming "fake" to me.  Under no circumstances would I go to "their" place but I would do as pp's suggested and see if she will meet with you in public.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Truluv86 on May 29, 2013, 07:20:47 PM
I totally had the same question as PPs when reading the latest email, "Is this really how Amber writes?" 
I may have watched too many Datelines or Cold Case Files and my imagination may be running away with me, but I too wonder if she really sent that email, given her behavior toward you. What could she possibly have to say?

Her reference to "our place" makes it sound like she's living with him. So this probably isn't a case of her 'seeing the light' and asking for your advice on how to disengage from him. Also, it's not like you dated the guy. Your experience with him only extends to internet correspondence and stories from others, so I don't really know what else she might think you could tell her that you haven't already.

You aren't friends and have never socialized outside of volunteering before, so wanting to meet up with you now to chat seems really strange.

If I were going to say anything to her, it might be this:
I think I'd respond back with a "Nice to hear from you. Been really busy. Is it urgent? Are you planning to volunteer any future Saturdays? Maybe we could chat then."

I would want to have an idea what she wanted to talk about that required a face to face meeting and couldn't be said over sorting clothes on Saturday before I agreed to see her. I would definitely NOT go to "our place" or your place, only neutral, heavily populated territory, as PPs advised. 

But if you'd rather ignore the email I don't think that would be rude. If she really needs to speak with you in person she knows where to find you.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Danika on May 29, 2013, 09:36:29 PM
I do not think it would be rude to ignore the email. If that's what you're most comfortable doing, then do. And if she calls you on it next time you see her, you can just say "I figured I'd see you here and catch up then."

I agree with the PPs. If you do meet, I would meet on neutral territory. I suspect "The Guy" is the one who sent the text. He wants to give you a piece of his mind. I'm not sure she even knows about it.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: LifeOnPluto on May 29, 2013, 10:24:05 PM
I'm wondering if Amber wants you to go to "their place" so she can show you just how "wrong" you were about The Guy. I can imagine you turning up, and them being all over each other, looking smug, holding hands, talking about how special their "love" is, etc. It could be that she wants to rub your face in it.

So I agree with PPs. Don't go to her (their?) house. If you must meet, do so in a neutral place. And be prepared for the fact that she might bring him along too.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: johelenc1 on May 30, 2013, 12:09:23 AM
Personally, I would have to meet "them" somewhere because I would be dying of curiosity to find out what was going on! 

I would call her directly though, instead of emailing back - just in case it wasn't from her. 

Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Twik on May 30, 2013, 12:18:42 AM
I'm wondering if Amber wants you to go to "their place" so she can show you just how "wrong" you were about The Guy. I can imagine you turning up, and them being all over each other, looking smug, holding hands, talking about how special their "love" is, etc. It could be that she wants to rub your face in it.

So I agree with PPs. Don't go to her (their?) house. If you must meet, do so in a neutral place. And be prepared for the fact that she might bring him along too.

Absolutely. This is a setup for her to sit on his lap in front of you and make kissyfaces, just to show you how wrong you were, while imagining how terribly jealous you must be of their Twu Wuv.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: WolfWay on May 30, 2013, 04:37:17 AM
I watch too much crime channel, because this is giving the raging heebeejeebees. <shudder>

Don't answer, don't meet them, don't engage, no matter how curious you are. They're just trying to drag you into their drama as a new audience member.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Stormtreader on May 30, 2013, 06:10:33 AM
I think id reply "Hi, Im really busy for quite a while now - what did you want to talk to me about?"
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Harriet Jones on May 30, 2013, 07:14:50 AM
I wouldn't meet with them, whether you reply to the message or not.  You're not actually friends with either of them and it seems a bit much to start meeting up with them now.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: KimodoDragon on May 30, 2013, 10:18:00 AM
Thanks to everyone for your great replies!

I've decided to ignore the email. Mainly because I am not vested enough to care about whatever she wants to talk about.  I certainly would never have gone to "their place" and never, ever would have invited them to mine.  Amber and I were never close so the invitation was jinky to me and made me think he was behind it all.

If Amber comes back to the Saturday volunteer work, I can speak with her then. 

Thanks again!

Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Hillia on May 30, 2013, 10:21:57 AM
My mind went immediately to an MLM scheme!  They want to talk to you about an incredible business opportunity where you'll make thousands of dollars.

But year, very hinky.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: gramma dishes on May 30, 2013, 10:32:34 AM
Thanks to everyone for your great replies!

I've decided to ignore the email. Mainly because I am not vested enough to care about whatever she wants to talk about.  I certainly would never have gone to "their place" and never, ever would have invited them to mine.  Amber and I were never close so the invitation was jinky to me and made me think he was behind it all.

If Amber comes back to the Saturday volunteer work, I can speak with her then. 

Thanks again!

I think you made a wise decision!   ;)
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Hmmmmm on May 30, 2013, 10:37:46 AM
Thanks to everyone for your great replies!

I've decided to ignore the email. Mainly because I am not vested enough to care about whatever she wants to talk about.  I certainly would never have gone to "their place" and never, ever would have invited them to mine.  Amber and I were never close so the invitation was jinky to me and made me think he was behind it all.

If Amber comes back to the Saturday volunteer work, I can speak with her then. 

Thanks again!

I think you made a wise decision!   ;)

I agree... but the Nosey Nellie in me really wishes you were going. ;)
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Redneck Gravy on May 30, 2013, 11:01:39 AM
I think id reply "Hi, Im really busy for quite a while now - what did you want to talk to me about?"

Try this approach, maybe you won't have to wait until Saturday to find out what's up
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Amara on May 30, 2013, 11:12:07 AM
I'm rather relieved you are not going to meet her/them. OP, but kind of sorry for myself. (So nosy!) But I hope you see her again on Saturday just so you can see that she is okay. If so, then whatever is going on is not worth knowing because if she really wanted to talk with you she has had lots of opportunities to do so.
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Danika on May 30, 2013, 02:05:59 PM
Thanks to everyone for your great replies!

I've decided to ignore the email. Mainly because I am not vested enough to care about whatever she wants to talk about.  I certainly would never have gone to "their place" and never, ever would have invited them to mine.  Amber and I were never close so the invitation was jinky to me and made me think he was behind it all.

If Amber comes back to the Saturday volunteer work, I can speak with her then. 

Thanks again!

I think you made a wise decision!   ;)

POD

I'd rather get my drama fix from TV or a good book. No need to involve oneself with hinky-acting people!
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: cicero on May 31, 2013, 08:02:49 AM
Thanks to everyone for your great replies!

I've decided to ignore the email. Mainly because I am not vested enough to care about whatever she wants to talk about.  I certainly would never have gone to "their place" and never, ever would have invited them to mine.  Amber and I were never close so the invitation was jinky to me and made me think he was behind it all.

If Amber comes back to the Saturday volunteer work, I can speak with her then. 

Thanks again!

I think you made a wise decision!   ;)

POD

I'd rather get my drama fix from TV or a good book. No need to involve oneself with hinky-acting people!
another pod. .as much as I would like to know what is going on, I wouldn't' want the OP to put themselves in harm's way
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Raintree on June 02, 2013, 02:58:16 PM
Probably wise to ignore, though I am nosy/curious too!!

My guesses:

1) She wanted to show you how "in love" they are, to prove you wrong (as some PPs suggested)
2) It's really the guy, and he wants to tear a strip off you
3) It's really the guy, and he's hoping for Scrabble with three players
4) She's found herself in a bad situation, realized the OP was the one who had tried to warn her, and now wants to find out more, but is afraid to say anything revealing over email as the guy is reading all her emails.

Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Otterpop on June 27, 2013, 09:44:34 AM
Sounds like she's gone down the rabbit hole with this guy.  The reasoning part of her is aware that things are going screwy but the emotional part wants to prove you wrong.  Maybe her reaching out is both a plea for help and the wish to rub your nose in it.  Lots of people are split like that.

Either way, not your responsibility.  You fulfilled your duty to warn her.  Good on you for not replying.

(Though if you should inadvertently hear something...update please?  >:D)
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Noph on August 01, 2013, 03:53:14 PM
Just throwing my voice in for an update on this post.  ;D
Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: KimodoDragon on August 09, 2013, 01:48:48 PM
Hello Everyone,

Amber has not returned to the Saturday volunteer job.  Nor has she sent any emails.

I can only hope she is okay.

Title: Re: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
Post by: Wordgeek on August 09, 2013, 01:52:46 PM
This matter is fair beyond the purview of an online etiquette forum.