Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: Alynne1113 on March 30, 2013, 04:55:33 PM

Title: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Alynne1113 on March 30, 2013, 04:55:33 PM
In December I booked a trip for my husband and I for early April, at this time I asked my Mother & Step Father if they could watch one of my dogs, my mom assured me it would not be a problem.
I confirmed about 3 weeks ago that they were still taking her. At the time my mother put a down payment on a puppy that she is going to pick up next week. I confirmed twice since she put the deposit down that she would still be able to take my dog, she told me it wouldn't be a problem.

I called them today to let them know what time I will be there next week to drop my dog off, to which my step father replies, we discussed it and decided we cannot take your dog. I told him I guess I can try and find someone else to take her...he asked why my real father couldnt take her? (he doesn't have a fenced yard and she will run away, he is taking my one dog that wont run away though. my father doesn't believe in tying dogs up, and will not tie her up no matter how much I ask, so to be safe I don't leave her there) I replied that It wouldn't work but I guess I can try and find someone else, he then said something about it not really being his problem and they got a new puppy so they aren't watching my dog. I was upset, I didnt really say much else and ended the call a few minutes later.

Do I have a right to be mad? Should I say something to my mother about how they left me in a really tough situation with a week before my holidays?

If they would have told me weeks ago when I asked I could have found a reputible dog sitter or kennel, but with it being a long weekend and having to work all week I dont know what I am going to do.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: miranova on March 30, 2013, 05:02:36 PM
Your stepfather does not sound like a very nice person.  No, it's not his problem, unless he had agreed to do it, which he did.  In which case, it is his problem because now he has shown himself to be completely irresponsible and undependable.  I would talk to your mom later, in case she doesn't even know what happened, but I'd make other arrangements for the dog in the future, now that you know that your stepfather doesn't want to do it.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: SiotehCat on March 30, 2013, 05:05:08 PM
Have you talked to your step father about dogsitting before this conversation?

I would speak to your mother and ask her whats going on. Maybe your stepfather is just having a really bad day and taking it out on you.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Alynne1113 on March 30, 2013, 05:08:12 PM
Have you talked to your step father about dogsitting before this conversation?

I would speak to your mother and ask her whats going on. Maybe your stepfather is just having a really bad day and taking it out on you.

About 6 weeks ago I went out of town with my Step Father & my mother for a few days to visit family and we discussed it then. They never said anything about getting another dog or not being able to watch her at that time.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Alynne1113 on March 30, 2013, 05:12:52 PM
Actually, come to think of it, 6 weeks ago when I went away they told me they would return me to the town I live in (over an hour away) and that day my step father changed his mind and my husband had to come pick me up, so apparently I just cant trust they will do anything they say they will. When I mentioned that my husband had dropped me off over an hour away, instead of me taking a vehicle to meet then because they said they were dropping me off he acted like it wasn't his problem too.
I haven't spent much time with my family in the past 10 years so, and now I am remembering why!
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Hawkwatcher on March 30, 2013, 05:16:50 PM
I find your stepfather's behavior baffling because I assume that he will eventually want a dog sitter.  You would have been a logical choice.

You probably have already thought about this but does your vet board dogs? You might also want to check with your local PetSmart.  They may have a Pet Hotel.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Alynne1113 on March 30, 2013, 05:22:32 PM
I find your stepfather's behavior baffling because I assume that he will eventually want a dog sitter.  You would have been a logical choice.

You probably have already thought about this but does your vet board dogs? You might also want to check with your local PetSmart.  They may have a Pet Hotel.
Great suggestions, I live in the country outside of a small town and my vet is a mobile vet (they even have a mobile xray and surgery unit) so that will not work, there is a major city a couple hours away, I assume they will have a petsmart and will try and contact them, thanks!
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Seven Ate Nine on March 30, 2013, 07:53:39 PM
I find your stepfather's behavior baffling because I assume that he will eventually want a dog sitter.  You would have been a logical choice.

You probably have already thought about this but does your vet board dogs? You might also want to check with your local PetSmart.  They may have a Pet Hotel.
Great suggestions, I live in the country outside of a small town and my vet is a mobile vet (they even have a mobile xray and surgery unit) so that will not work, there is a major city a couple hours away, I assume they will have a petsmart and will try and contact them, thanks!

Try Google as well.  I live out in the sticks, but as it turns out, there is a kennel right at the end of my road.  It's actually a rather good place for a kennel because there is lots of land both for the kennel building and also for the play yard.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Cami on March 30, 2013, 08:41:47 PM
Why would you think you don't have a right to be mad?

Someone you trusted told you -- repeatedly -- that they would do an important task for you. With little advance warning they have backed out of their promise and don't seem to care about the problems they are causing. 

I cannot fathom why a person would not be mad unless they have been trained to accept this behavior as normal and acceptable.

I wish you good luck in finding a dog sitter.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: gramma dishes on March 30, 2013, 09:08:13 PM
Why would you think you don't have a right to be mad?

Someone you trusted told you -- repeatedly -- that they would do an important task for you. With little advance warning they have backed out of their promise and don't seem to care about the problems they are causing. 

I cannot fathom why a person would not be mad unless they have been trained to accept this behavior as normal and acceptable.

I wish you good luck in finding a dog sitter.

I agree with this.  Of course you're angry and frustrated and disappointed and concerned about now where you will leave your dog!!  They made a promise, you checked a couple of times to see if that promise was still viable and you were assured there wouldn't be any problem.  This isn't like one of them suddenly came down with a very serious, unpreventable illness that was not known at the time they promised they'd keep your dog.

Good luck finding somewhere reasonably nearby with a great reputation for dog sitting.

You deserve much better than this!!   >:(
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: MorgnsGrl on March 30, 2013, 09:20:44 PM
Ack, what a bad surprise! I would definitely call your vet even if it's a mobile vet and ask if he/she has any suggestions for pet sitters. In my experience vets often know of people who do this.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: YummyMummy66 on March 30, 2013, 09:53:53 PM
Yes, I would be mad and I would be discussing it with my mom, but not to guilt her into sitting your dog, because I would not trust them now to do so.

They have been telling you for weeks that they can watch your dog, or it seems your mom has.  Not sure if step father has also stated so.  Now, a week before you are to leave, they say no and it is not their problem. 

Honestly, though, if I was going to board one dog, I would board both.  They might be more comfortable together.  Also, if they do not have their kennel cough shot, they need to get this before you board them. 
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Softly Spoken on March 30, 2013, 10:34:22 PM
POD to all the PPs.

Sounds like your Step Dad needs to not be your problem, and you should take whatever steps you need to make sure he isn't. :-\ Let him reap what he's sown. >:(

Good luck finding a place to put your pup, and hope you and hubby have a fun and stress-free trip! ;D
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: secretrebel on March 31, 2013, 10:45:50 AM
Do I have a right to be mad? Should I say something to my mother about how they left me in a really tough situation with a week before my holidays?


You do have a right to be mad.

I'd say to your mom that you were disappointed that she let you down after repeated confirmations that everything would be fine.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: artk2002 on March 31, 2013, 02:55:27 PM
I find your stepfather's behavior baffling because I assume that he will eventually want a dog sitter.  You would have been a logical choice.

You probably have already thought about this but does your vet board dogs? You might also want to check with your local PetSmart.  They may have a Pet Hotel.
Great suggestions, I live in the country outside of a small town and my vet is a mobile vet (they even have a mobile xray and surgery unit) so that will not work, there is a major city a couple hours away, I assume they will have a petsmart and will try and contact them, thanks!

Try Google as well.  I live out in the sticks, but as it turns out, there is a kennel right at the end of my road.  It's actually a rather good place for a kennel because there is lots of land both for the kennel building and also for the play yard.

Ask your vet about options as well.  You can also look into a pet sitting service. We've used these on a number of occasions. You give someone a key (yes, make sure that they are bonded, not just some random person) and they come daily to feed and play with your pet.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: TootsNYC on March 31, 2013, 08:15:06 PM
Why would you think you don't have a right to be mad?

Someone you trusted told you -- repeatedly -- that they would do an important task for you. With little advance warning they have backed out of their promise and don't seem to care about the problems they are causing. 

I cannot fathom why a person would not be mad unless they have been trained to accept this behavior as normal and acceptable.

I wish you good luck in finding a dog sitter.


And not only that, but they didn't tell you until YOU called them!!

Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Danika on March 31, 2013, 09:14:06 PM
I cannot fathom why a person would not be mad unless they have been trained to accept this behavior as normal and acceptable.

This. A million times. They (mom and stepdad) are both to blame. It was highly inconsiderate. And they cannot blame it on a miscommunication because you asked numerous times.

I'd be furious. And I wouldn't trust them with anything they told me or promised me in the future. Not with dog-sitting. Not with where they'll drop you off or pick you up. Nothing.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: chibichan on April 01, 2013, 02:55:16 AM
Nope , don't trust them for anything . I would not lift a finger to do these folks a favor and I would be hard-pressed to keep from throwing " Not my problem " back in their faces if they ever asked .

That is beyond inconsiderate . Can you imagine what would have happened if you blithely assumed they would honor their promise and showed up the day before you were scheduled to leave ? That would have been cause for the Cut Direct for me .

I would not have spoken another word to them after that .

Good luck with your plans , I really hope you can find someone .
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Otterpop on April 01, 2013, 03:46:33 AM
Nope , don't trust them for anything . I would not lift a finger to do these folks a favor and I would be hard-pressed to keep from throwing " Not my problem " back in their faces if they ever asked .

That is beyond inconsiderate . Can you imagine what would have happened if you blithely assumed they would honor their promise and showed up the day before you were scheduled to leave ? That would have been cause for the Cut Direct for me .

I would not have spoken another word to them after that .

Good luck with your plans , I really hope you can find someone .

This exactly.  Trust is a huge issue.  Don't rely on them for anything from now on.  Reciprocate in kind.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Iris on April 01, 2013, 05:00:45 AM
Why would you think you don't have a right to be mad?

Someone you trusted told you -- repeatedly -- that they would do an important task for you. With little advance warning they have backed out of their promise and don't seem to care about the problems they are causing. 

I cannot fathom why a person would not be mad unless they have been trained to accept this behavior as normal and acceptable.

I wish you good luck in finding a dog sitter.


And not only that, but they didn't tell you until YOU called them!!

This. What if you had turned up? Would they have left it until then?

Time to back waaaaaaay off, I think. Your stepfather sounds like a real jerk to be honest.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Twik on April 01, 2013, 10:06:12 AM
Your stepfather has shown some classic passive-aggressive tactics. He's agreed at least twice to do you a favour, then backed out to cause you the most inconvenience possible. This is much worse than refusing a favour in the first place.

Do not rely on this man for any favours in future. For some reason, he doesn't like you, and is trying to hurt you in small ways. As others say, keep your distance.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: heartmug on April 01, 2013, 11:21:00 AM
Why would you think you don't have a right to be mad?

Someone you trusted told you -- repeatedly -- that they would do an important task for you. With little advance warning they have backed out of their promise and don't seem to care about the problems they are causing. 

I cannot fathom why a person would not be mad unless they have been trained to accept this behavior as normal and acceptable.

I wish you good luck in finding a dog sitter.


And not only that, but they didn't tell you until YOU called them!!

This. What if you had turned up? Would they have left it until then?

Time to back waaaaaaay off, I think. Your stepfather sounds like a real jerk to be honest.

I too was thinking the same thing:  when were they going to tell you?  If you hadn't made that call....

sounds a little like the thread I wrote about in the holidays section.  It would be nice to know instead of having to be the person asking.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: djinnidjream on April 01, 2013, 11:40:24 AM
I'd also remember this for when they need a pet-sitter... >:D
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: RebeccainGA on April 01, 2013, 12:26:44 PM
Sounds like your family is like mine - don't trust them farther than you can throw them. They say they are going to send you a gift? Believe it when its delivered. They say they are coming for a visit? Believe it when they are at the door. Planning to visit them? Have a hotel reservation ready to go until you're shown your sleeping arrangements.

It's not always mean spirited, but some family just can't be responsible. Sounds like your has a mean streak, too, but that they are just plain unreliable.

So sorry, and good luck with finding a replacement!
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: CrazyDaffodilLady on April 04, 2013, 04:47:50 PM
I was once in a similar situation.  The for-hire pet setter came over for a walk-through two days before I was leaving, then announced that she wouldn't take the job because the neighborhood made her nervous (she saw some minorities).  I was furious and made that quite clear.  I also complained to the vet that gave me her name.  You should be equally as furious with your stepfather -- more so since he's family and should be more dependable than a stranger.

Sometimes if I'm driving to my destination, I reserve a kennel in the destination city and take the dog with me.  If it's the first time, I check the place out online.

Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Janice on April 04, 2013, 04:55:44 PM
As somebody whose family pulled a similar stunt on us, you absolutely have a right to be mad. I would make alternative arrangements and see if you can find a regular sitter or kennel on whom you can depend when you need to leave the dog. I find a business  or a professional sitter is MUCH less likely to mess with you like this than people doing a "favor".

And then resolve to never ask for favors from these people again. If they want a favor of any description  from you after this behavior, I would simply respond with "That won't be possible." What goes around comes around.

Good luck finding a pet sitter/kennel!
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: sammycat on April 04, 2013, 06:48:49 PM
Nope , don't trust them for anything . I would not lift a finger to do these folks a favor and I would be hard-pressed to keep from throwing " Not my problem " back in their faces if they ever asked .

That is beyond inconsiderate . Can you imagine what would have happened if you blithely assumed they would honor their promise and showed up the day before you were scheduled to leave ? That would have been cause for the Cut Direct for me .

I would not have spoken another word to them after that .

Good luck with your plans , I really hope you can find someone .

Ditto.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Miss Tickle on April 04, 2013, 09:16:10 PM
OP, is there any update?
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Alynne1113 on April 06, 2013, 09:15:55 PM
OP here--updating. Family friend has agreed to take my one dog (she offered when she heard the story) my mother & step father have not called me since the conversation and I havent called them either--dont really have anything to say right now. Leaving monday! Thanks for all the advice. Sometimes my family tells me I am overly sensitive or over react so I always approach my feelings towards them with caution!
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Lindee on April 06, 2013, 09:37:51 PM
You are not overly sensitive and have every right to be really annoyed and upset over this appalling treatment.  Have a lovely trip and don't rely on them for anything again.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: sammycat on April 06, 2013, 09:43:46 PM
You are not overly sensitive and have every right to be really annoyed and upset over this appalling treatment.  Have a lovely trip and don't rely on them for anything again.

Agreed!  You have been treated terribly.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: gramma dishes on April 06, 2013, 09:44:54 PM
...   Sometimes my family tells me I am overly sensitive or over react ...

LOL!!  Of course they say that!  It couldn't possibly be that THEY'RE doing anything wrong!!  So therefore, no matter how bad their behavior is, it must be someone else's fault.  In your case, "You're just too sensitive!"  Sooo much easier for them to say than "I'm sorry.  We really let you down, didn't we?"    ;)
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Danika on April 06, 2013, 10:29:17 PM
OP here--updating. Family friend has agreed to take my one dog (she offered when she heard the story) my mother & step father have not called me since the conversation and I havent called them either--dont really have anything to say right now. Leaving monday! Thanks for all the advice. Sometimes my family tells me I am overly sensitive or over react so I always approach my feelings towards them with caution!

Glad you can still go on your trip! I'm happy about your family friend.

As to people calling you over sensitive, they do that to force you to stop complaining when they treat you poorly.
 
Kind of like a good quote from Downtown Abbey "'Can't you take a joke?' The bully's defense."
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Sara Crewe on April 07, 2013, 10:50:54 AM
...   Sometimes my family tells me I am overly sensitive or over react ...

LOL!!  Of course they say that!  It couldn't possibly be that THEY'RE doing anything wrong!!  So therefore, no matter how bad their behavior is, it must be someone else's fault.  In your case, "You're just too sensitive!"  Sooo much easier for them to say than "I'm sorry.  We really let you down, didn't we?"    ;)

Agreed - 'you're too sensitive' is the classic line put forward by a bully.  Upset that they threw a glass of water in your face and ruined your silk dress - can't you take a joke?  You're too sensitive.

Angry that they've let you down at the last minute, possibly ruining your holiday - your upset is unreasonable, you're too sensitive.

I'm sure there are multiple other scenarios we could think of.

As a general rule, the minute someone pulls out the 'you're too sensitive' line, it means they've done something wrong and are trying to shift the blame onto their victim.

I actually deal with some people that I think are too sensitive - I'd never say this to them as it just makes the situation worse.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: TootsNYC on April 07, 2013, 01:56:56 PM
OP here--updating. Family friend has agreed to take my one dog (she offered when she heard the story) my mother & step father have not called me since the conversation and I havent called them either--dont really have anything to say right now. Leaving monday! Thanks for all the advice. Sometimes my family tells me I am overly sensitive or over react so I always approach my feelings towards them with caution!

Y'know. given this one example that *we* have, I would suggest you strongly consider the possibility that this is one of those counter-attacks that people do when they know deep down that they are rude but they don't want to admit it and apologize. It may not be you at all--it may be them.

Though, wait--maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe we have TWO examples. Did you get the 'you're too sensitive' reaction when your mom and your stepdad stranded you without a ride by reneging on whether they'd give you a lift back home?

If so, then don't even consider that "counter-attack" as a possibility. Consider it to be a certainty.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: Knitterly on April 10, 2013, 04:38:51 PM
OP here--updating. Family friend has agreed to take my one dog (she offered when she heard the story) my mother & step father have not called me since the conversation and I havent called them either--dont really have anything to say right now. Leaving monday! Thanks for all the advice. Sometimes my family tells me I am overly sensitive or over react so I always approach my feelings towards them with caution!

Y'know. given this one example that *we* have, I would suggest you strongly consider the possibility that this is one of those counter-attacks that people do when they know deep down that they are rude but they don't want to admit it and apologize. It may not be you at all--it may be them.

Though, wait--maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe we have TWO examples. Did you get the 'you're too sensitive' reaction when your mom and your stepdad stranded you without a ride by reneging on whether they'd give you a lift back home?

If so, then don't even consider that "counter-attack" as a possibility. Consider it to be a certainty.

I completely agree.

For years - most of my life, in fact - I got the "you're too sensitive" and "don't be such a drama queen" lines from my whole family.  Easter weekend, my mother was "watching" the kids (my sisters and mine) while I was prepping food for dinner.  Suddenly, I spotted LK out of the corner of my eye heading towards the stairs.  She was an inch away from stepping right off the top step and tumbling down.  I should note, these are hard steps that go to a hard floor below.  LK, like her momma, tends to not watch where she goes and often requires an extra vigilant eye for this.

I dropped what I was doing, sopping hands and all, and grabbed her in two long strides across the kitchen while yelling "LK, STOP!"

My mother then launched into me about being a drama queen and continued on about how I'd always been such a drama queen and I need to trust that LK will learn to use the stairs.  After all, she's a year and a half and plenty old enough to know how to go up and down stairs.  Etc.  Yadda yadda, and on and on.

I told her that LK has enough bruises for now, thanks, and she doesn't need more.  Then I put LK under the care of her 7 year old cousin.  She was safer under the care of my niece than she was with my mom.   And then I completely ignored my mother while she continued to rib me about being such a drama queen.

If my kid is about to tumble head first down a flight of stairs, I don't care if I look like a "drama queen", I'm going to stop it from happening.  Same thing if she's about to touch a hot stove, put her hand in a lion's mouth, or kiss a tarantula.

(Incidentally, this is the story I alluded to in my "shiny spine" thread - apparently I'd said my piece so casually with the same tone you might use to say "Oh, no thanks, but thanks for the offer" to a cup of tea).

As I have been building my own shiny spine, I have gone back over all the incidents growing up where I was a "drama queen" or "dramatic" or "too sensitive" or "over-reacting", and I began to recognize a pattern where it was rarely MY behaviour that was out of line - it was nearly always theirs.  My reactions have pretty much always been appropriate to the situation.

So, mad OP, because your mother and step father promised to do something for you and backed out of for no good reason and with very little warning?  That's not overly sensitive.  That is well placed and reasonable anger at upsetting behaviour.
Title: Re: leaving me with very little options a week before holidays....
Post by: RebeccainGA on April 11, 2013, 08:00:23 AM
So, mad OP, because your mother and step father promised to do something for you and backed out of for no good reason and with very little warning?  That's not overly sensitive.  That is well placed and reasonable anger at upsetting behaviour.

I so agree. My family, my sister in particular, has frequently called me a drama queen after they have pulled stunts like this. For example - my mom's dad was dying, and they came to visit me (mom and sister), for mom's birthday. He passed away the day after they arrived. I had no way to pay for a trip, and was going to miss the funeral. Mom and sister said 'come with us, we'll make sure you get home - promise!'. I go with them, and at the post-service reception, my mom admits that she had no intentions of buying me a plane ticket - she just figured I'd take care of it. I was about to be stranded in a city 300 miles from home, no where to stay, no way to get home (I wasn't kidding when I said I had no way to get home - my checking account balance was under $10). Thankfully, an aunt stepped in and bought my ticket - she said that no one should be stranded away from home at Christmas (did I mention this was Dec. 26?) and sent me home to my DP and DD. Mom and sister STILL deny that this happened. This was five years ago, not fifty!

I hope you learn, like I did, to have no expectations of those that are unreliable. That way, at least, all your surprises are good ones. I spent a lot of time and energy thinking my family would take care of me, and being disappointed.