Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: Sparkle Star on April 18, 2013, 02:56:32 AM

Title: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: Sparkle Star on April 18, 2013, 02:56:32 AM
A friend of mine is running the London Marathon this weekend for a charity close to his heart. (It's not to mine - I think like most charities they do good work, it's just not an organisation I have had anything to do with so have no strong feelings about.)

He has an online Just Giving page. I have chosen not to sponsor him because there are so many requests from people to do so - not just for the London Marathon but for this 10k event or that half-marathon - so I tend to pick those who are taking part to help charities I actively want to support. (If I gave just 10 each to every request since the start of the year, I would have pledged over 500 already.)

He posted a Facebook status update this morning saying 'Three days to go - excited and nervous now'. I 'liked' it. He wrote a comment that said: 'Sparkle, never mind the 'like' - you haven't sponsored me yet.'
I wasn't sure what to do so just replied: 'Haven't I?  :P'
I'm wondering if I should send him a PM explaining that while I wish him every success on Sunday, I've consciously not donated due to the sheer volume of requests recently and am being quite specific about the organisations I'm supporting.

Or do you guys think I should just leave it? I feel embarrassed now that he's called me on not sponsoring him in public.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: Raintree on April 18, 2013, 03:33:14 AM
I hear you. I get all kinds of requests. While I would like to support my friends who are doing good things for charity, it just isn't possible to give for every request.

I'd probably just ignore the dig. It was quite rude of him to call you out publicly.

Or, if it makes you feel better, a PM saying, "Friend, I think it's great what you're doing; unfortunately I am unable to sponsor you at this time. Cheers!"
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: cicero on April 18, 2013, 03:57:56 AM
It was rude of him to call you out in public, but your reply implies that you *have* sponsored him, and if you actually *haven't* (and don't intend to) you shouldn't have written that.

I would PM him and say
I wish him every success on Sunday, sorry I cannot sponsor you but am cheering you on I've consciously not donated due to the sheer volume of requests recently and am being quite specific about the organisations I'm supporting.


Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: Bijou on April 18, 2013, 04:19:21 AM
A friend of mine is running the London Marathon this weekend for a charity close to his heart. (It's not to mine - I think like most charities they do good work, it's just not an organisation I have had anything to do with so have no strong feelings about.)

He has an online Just Giving page. I have chosen not to sponsor him because there are so many requests from people to do so - not just for the London Marathon but for this 10k event or that half-marathon - so I tend to pick those who are taking part to help charities I actively want to support. (If I gave just 10 each to every request since the start of the year, I would have pledged over 500 already.)

He posted a Facebook status update this morning saying 'Three days to go - excited and nervous now'. I 'liked' it. He wrote a comment that said: 'Sparkle, never mind the 'like' - you haven't sponsored me yet.'
I wasn't sure what to do so just replied: 'Haven't I?  :P'
I'm wondering if I should send him a PM explaining that while I wish him every success on Sunday, I've consciously not donated due to the sheer volume of requests recently and am being quite specific about the organisations I'm supporting.

Or do you guys think I should just leave it? I feel embarrassed now that he's called me on not sponsoring him in public.
Have you ever sponsored him?  If so, you might point that you have, in fact, done so for such and such a race/event, while telling him that you won't be doing so this time (for whatever reason if you care to state it). 
The guy is just plain rude and even if it were a charity I wanted to donate to I would do so directly and not by sponsoring him.  He may lose a lot of potential sponsors with his smart remark.
In any case, people who see his rudeness will think ill of him and not of you and may decide to not sponsor him, and that is unfortunate and could cost the charity donations. 
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: Margo on April 18, 2013, 04:50:53 AM
I don't think that saying 'haven't I' implies that you have, but I think it could be read as implying that you indended to and had simply overlooked it,so he may assume that you are now planing to sponsor him, and may 'remind' you again.

Whether you respond further is up to you. It was very rude of him to single you out like that - if I saw someone had posted that (whether about me or anyone else) It would *really* put me off sponsoring them for anything at all.

I don't thik it would be out of line to PM him and say "I didn't want to call you out in public, but I I felt it was really inappropiate of you to try to pressure me into sponsoring you by putting my name on your facebook page in the way that you did. I wish you evey sucess on Subnday, but I am not able to sponsor you. Please don't do this again"   depending on how well you now him, you could also tell him that his pressure and 'name and shame' technique actually measn you are now *less* likely either to sponsor him or support his chosen charity, in future.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: CakeEater on April 18, 2013, 05:29:28 AM
I doubt he was 'calling you out'. Sounds like a tongue in cheek comment to me, and I would ignore the whole thing and carry on as though nothing had happened.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: Waterlight on April 18, 2013, 05:52:06 AM
I don't thik it would be out of line to PM him and say "I didn't want to call you out in public, but I I felt it was really inappropiate of you to try to pressure me into sponsoring you by putting my name on your facebook page in the way that you did. I wish you evey sucess on Subnday, but I am not able to sponsor you. Please don't do this again"   depending on how well you now him, you could also tell him that his pressure and 'name and shame' technique actually measn you are now *less* likely either to sponsor him or support his chosen charity, in future.

POD.  And for future requests--from him or anyone else--something like "Sorry, I've already allocated my contributions to charity for this year" will work when you don't want to contribute.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: Roe on April 18, 2013, 06:35:34 AM
I would "unlike" his post and delete the comment and pretend I never saw the status.  If he persists, just a simple "sponsoring you isn't going to be possible" should suffice. 
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: spookycatlady on April 18, 2013, 06:55:20 AM
My reaction would also have been to unlike the status.  And I would probably opt for digital silence if asked or shamed about it again publically.  If he were to ask privately, "I felt a bit weird about being called out like that. I'm very private about charities and donations.  I really hope you do well, though."
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: bopper on April 18, 2013, 07:16:20 AM
If he brings it up "I get 10-20 of these requests a year.  What I do is choose the charities that I am interested in concentrating on and contribute to those. I wish you the best of luck!"
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: joraemi on April 18, 2013, 07:49:32 AM
POD to unliking the post.  I think what he did was rude.  You were supporting him by liking his post and therefore bringing additional attention to his endeavor. Other than that - I'm in favor of a "complete silence" response.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: amylouky on April 18, 2013, 08:20:39 AM
I probably would have replied with "Sorry, can't sponsor.. doesn't moral support count?"

I think he was rude to call you out but tone is very hard to get on the internet, it could have been meant in a joking way.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: Virg on April 18, 2013, 08:37:47 AM
You could reply telling him that your funds were all eaten up by donations to the "Teach My Friends Basic Etiquette" Foundation.

I guess not, eh?  Anyway, just unlike and ignore, and if you're pressed by him privately tell him that you've reached your donation limit for the time being.

Virg
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: TootsNYC on April 18, 2013, 10:10:15 AM
I think you opened the door by clicking "like."
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: bah12 on April 18, 2013, 10:15:45 AM
Ignore it.

I don't think you did anything wrong by liking a status about his excitement for the marathon, but I do think it would have been better to ignore his comment about your lack of sponsorship.  At this point though, I don't think you owe him any explanation nor do I think giving him one will matter.  Whether he was calling you out in public or just joking is irrelevent.  This is a subject that hopefully neither of you ever bring up again. 
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: Sparkle Star on April 18, 2013, 10:23:43 AM
You could reply telling him that your funds were all eaten up by donations to the "Teach My Friends Basic Etiquette" Foundation.

;D ;D ;D

Thanks for the perspective, guys.
I maybe am being a bit sensitive and perhaps he didn't mean it in an 'off' way.

(As BG - he also asked for some of my media contacts a while ago, which I gave him; he asked me to look over a media release he'd started to write, which I did. He then subsequently asked me do a full PR job around this for free, which I had to say no to; too much paid work on and a lot of friends ask/expect similar favours so my blanket response now is 'no'. My view is that if I was running a shop, they wouldn't expect free goods all the time - a service should be no different. Anyway - because of that I think he is peeved with me which is why his comment stung.)

I'm just going to ignore it unless he mentions it again. He has been hammering FB with 'I'm doing this, here's the link to my Just Giving page' and 'Come on guys, only X days to go, still time to sponsor me' so he might well do....in which case I will PM him.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: PastryGoddess on April 18, 2013, 10:29:19 AM
I think you opened the door by clicking "like."

I disagree. the like was not for his online giving page, but simply on his facebook update about how excited he was. 
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: WillyNilly on April 18, 2013, 10:41:03 AM
I think you opened the door by clicking "like."

I disagree. the like was not for his online giving page, but simply on his facebook update about how excited he was.

I also disagree on the basis that when you "like" a status it helps bump the status up in other people's news feeds and it gets logged in the smaller feed on the right of your friend's list pages - therefore by "liking" a status the liker is helping to promote the status, which might actually lead to someone sponsoring him. Basically its a tiny bit of free advertising.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: buvezdevin on April 18, 2013, 11:55:06 AM
You could reply telling him that your funds were all eaten up by donations to the "Teach My Friends Basic Etiquette" Foundation.

;D ;D ;D

Thanks for the perspective, guys.
I maybe am being a bit sensitive and perhaps he didn't mean it in an 'off' way.

(As BG - he also asked for some of my media contacts a while ago, which I gave him; he asked me to look over a media release he'd started to write, which I did. He then subsequently asked me do a full PR job around this for free, which I had to say no to; too much paid work on and a lot of friends ask/expect similar favours so my blanket response now is 'no'. My view is that if I was running a shop, they wouldn't expect free goods all the time - a service should be no different. Anyway - because of that I think he is peeved with me which is why his comment stung.)

I'm just going to ignore it unless he mentions it again. He has been hammering FB with 'I'm doing this, here's the link to my Just Giving page' and 'Come on guys, only X days to go, still time to sponsor me' so he might well do....in which case I will PM him.

So, you *have* given him assistance and support - just not as much as he *wants* from you.

If you do discuss/PM with him on this matter, I suggest making this point.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: EllenS on April 18, 2013, 12:00:50 PM

(As BG - he also asked for some of my media contacts a while ago, which I gave him; he asked me to look over a media release he'd started to write, which I did. He then subsequently asked me do a full PR job around this for free, which I had to say no to; too much paid work on and a lot of friends ask/expect similar favours so my blanket response now is 'no'. My view is that if I was running a shop, they wouldn't expect free goods all the time - a service should be no different. Anyway - because of that I think he is peeved with me which is why his comment stung.)


Being a SS/gimmie pig for charity is still rude.  He will quickly learn that acting ungrateful for help received is the worst possible way to work for charity.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: lilfox on April 18, 2013, 12:16:42 PM
I don't think "liking" his post committed you to anything.  In addition, you've already helped him plenty for which he doesn't seem appreciative - since your time = money, then you've already sponsored him.

He was rude and I would unlike his post and ignore any further gripes.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: gramma dishes on April 18, 2013, 12:54:35 PM
...   I don't think it would be out of line to PM him and say "I didn't want to call you out in public, but I I felt it was really inappropriate of you to try to pressure me into sponsoring you by putting my name on your Facebook page in the way that you did. I wish you every success on Sunday, but I am not able to sponsor you. Please don't do this again"   depending on how well you now him, you could also tell him that his pressure and 'name and shame' technique actually means you are now *less* likely either to sponsor him or support his chosen charity, in future.

I think either of two choices would be fine:  Ignore?  Great --  unless he does it again.

If he does, I love Margo's idea and her wording.  It lets him know that his manner of 'encouraging' you to monetarily support him backfired.  Maybe that will help him avoid turning you and other potential sponsors off in the future.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: artk2002 on April 18, 2013, 01:14:25 PM
I think you opened the door by clicking "like."

This is twice in a row that I'm disagreeing with you. "Liking" someone's activity isn't an opening to being hounded for money. The only time I think that "you haven't sponsored me yet" is when the target has promised to sponsor and hasn't followed through. I wouldn't necessarily object to "Glad you like it. Would you please consider sponsoring me?"
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: MrTango on April 18, 2013, 06:14:53 PM
I'd probably reply with "You're right, I haven't."

Then again, that might cause other issues.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: TootsNYC on April 18, 2013, 07:24:34 PM
I think you opened the door by clicking "like."

This is twice in a row that I'm disagreeing with you. "Liking" someone's activity isn't an opening to being hounded for money. The only time I think that "you haven't sponsored me yet" is when the target has promised to sponsor and hasn't followed through. I wouldn't necessarily object to "Glad you like it. Would you please consider sponsoring me?"

It is sort of surprising when we don't have the same reaction, isn't it, Art. We do often agree.

But I think a single comment about an actual sponsorship--even one that begs the question of whether she INTENDS to sponsor him--is just not that out of line in that situation.

Of course it didn't commit the OP to anything--nobody ever said it did, not even me. I just think that if you chime in on that sort of post, it's not that weird for the person to say, "hey, put your money where your mouth is" or something similar.

And this wasn't even all that rude, honestly. I don't consider it to be "calling her out in public." I think the OP is feeling extra sensitive (or guilty?) about it or something. I hope she can just blow it off.

I'm pretty much w bah12:

Ignore it.

I don't think you did anything wrong by liking a status about his excitement for the marathon, but I do think it would have been better to ignore his comment about your lack of sponsorship.  At this point though, I don't think you owe him any explanation nor do I think giving him one will matter.  Whether he was calling you out in public or just joking is irrelevent.  This is a subject that hopefully neither of you ever bring up again. 

I also don't think she did anything *wrong* by liking the status, but I also think that if you chime in on a conversation like this, you can sort of expect the person to nudge you about sponsoring them.
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: artk2002 on April 18, 2013, 09:57:35 PM

I also don't think she did anything *wrong* by liking the status, but I also think that if you chime in on a conversation like this, you can sort of expect the person to nudge you about sponsoring them.

I guess I don't mind the nudge as much as how it was expressed. Saying "you haven't sponsored me yet" implies that the OP has committed to sponsor or is at least expected to sponsor. I just don't think that follows at all from a simple "like." (Although FaceBook has managed to mess up the definition of "friend" and "like" to the point where I don't want to use either word!)
Title: Re: You Haven't Sponsored Me Yet
Post by: LifeOnPluto on April 18, 2013, 10:05:48 PM

I also don't think she did anything *wrong* by liking the status, but I also think that if you chime in on a conversation like this, you can sort of expect the person to nudge you about sponsoring them.

I guess I don't mind the nudge as much as how it was expressed. Saying "you haven't sponsored me yet" implies that the OP has committed to sponsor or is at least expected to sponsor. I just don't think that follows at all from a simple "like." (Although FaceBook has managed to mess up the definition of "friend" and "like" to the point where I don't want to use either word!)

I agree. I think it would have been better if the OP's friend had simply said "I'd appreciate any donation you can give" or even "OP, would you like to sponsor me?"

But his wording made it sound like a forgone conclusion, that the OP would sponsor him.