Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: Syrse on April 21, 2013, 04:19:50 AM

Title: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Syrse on April 21, 2013, 04:19:50 AM
Me and DH have a beautiful baby girl. When she was born, I politely told the family while they were taking pictures, to not post them on facebook. But over time, they seem to have forgotten this  ::) My mom already posted one picture, and now my sister in law posted a picture of her in a new outfit they bought for her.

I would love to just notify my sister in law, politely, to not post any more pictures. But my DH is very much against it, and has literally said 'if you do that, you'll be back to not being allow to enter the house'. (yes, my family in law does not like me. We were not welcome from the moment I said I was pregnant at 5 weeks, until they showed up when she was 3 weeks old without a warning, and everything seemed ok again just like that. It's been puzzling.)
Personally, I don't see why I should walk on eggshells because of this. I'm not being rude or anything, but I really do not want any pictures on facebook that we do not have control over. She can leave this one up, but I want to avoid it becoming a habit.

Am I overreacting?
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Redsoil on April 21, 2013, 04:30:26 AM
Can you send them a quick email?  Maybe something like:  "I know little Syrse is seriously cute, and it's hard to resist wanting everyone to share in that.  However the way Facebook operates, we really are not comfortable with pictures of her being posted online.  Thanks you for understanding that - it is appreciated.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: ClaireC79 on April 21, 2013, 04:39:34 AM
I wonder if they thought the 'no facebook pictures' actually meant 'we want to put the first photo of our child on facebook' rather than 'no pictures on facebook ever' - especially if you do post some photos of her on there (which as you said you don't want ones you have no control over on there makes me think is possible') - not that you not wanting ones up of her is wrong just you may need to clarify what you actual meant with them
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: mechtilde on April 21, 2013, 04:42:14 AM
Is it possible for you to speak to you mother and get your DH to speak to his sister?
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Shortylicious on April 21, 2013, 06:50:28 AM
I think your first conversation should be with your husband. If he doesn't support you in this, then what happens when his family breaks other rules you've set about your child? This is a great opportunity for you both to get on the same page and show a unified front to his family. This is a rule you've set about your own child. If you don't stand up for her then who will? That should come first over being allowed in his sister's home! Be polite and firm and be sure to follow through on this with all family members. Good luck.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Nemesis on April 21, 2013, 07:05:10 AM
I think your first conversation should be with your husband. If he doesn't support you in this, then what happens when his family breaks other rules you've set about your child? This is a great opportunity for you both to get on the same page and show a unified front to his family. This is a rule you've set about your own child. If you don't stand up for her then who will? That should come first over being allowed in his sister's home! Be polite and firm and be sure to follow through on this with all family members. Good luck.

I agree with this. Does your husband support the "No pictures on Facebook" preference? This should be your immediate concern.

Next, once the photos are taken, they belong to the photographer. Although it is nice if everyone refrains from posting her pictures on Facebook, it is not rude of them to do so. What about pictures that they take with the baby? Are those not allowed as well? The thing is, if you really don't want her pictures to go online, then you should not allow anyone to take her pictures. I don't think you have rights over those pictures after you consent for them to be taken.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Sharnita on April 21, 2013, 07:06:04 AM
I agree that if you don't have the backing of your husband it is pointless to say anything.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: SPuck on April 21, 2013, 07:12:16 AM
I think you have two separate situations. The photo situation where you should probably do some research on what is what in your area, and your family relations where you she see exactly where husband stands before moving forward with his sister.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: sam on April 21, 2013, 07:26:23 AM
Facebook will remove any photo's of someone under 13 years of age that a parent requests be removed. Regardless of who put them up. We did this with DH's mother.

Are you going to be stopped from going to your sil house everytime you ask them to follow your requests for your own child ?
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Syrse on April 21, 2013, 07:38:57 AM
OP here,

to clarify, it is MIL's house that my DH thinks will close its doors on me.
I agree that DH and I need to be on one page on this. He has suggested to talk to his sister the next time we see her, as he thinks a mail will not go over well. Personally I am still worried about what this means in regards of them trampling all over our rules. And yes, it was made clear that it wasn't just waiting until we posted pictures, but also after.

Sam, thanks for reminding me that facebook will indeed remove such pictures, I will keep it in mind.

Nemesis, while taken pictures do indeed belong to the photographer, the persons in it retain the right to deny the photographer use of those pictures, it's part of the privacy law. So neither party can use it without the others consent.
And I don't mind there being pictures, just not on the internet.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Deetee on April 21, 2013, 07:49:40 AM
As with so many of these threads I fail to see the threat. If your MIL does not respect your parenting decisions and you let her know she will ban you from the house
 Um good?
(And yes you have a husband problem if he also thinks that his family's preference for photo posting overrides yours)
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: sam on April 21, 2013, 07:50:26 AM
Your welcome  :)

I refuse to allow photo's of my underage kids on face book.  Regardless of who wants to put them on.  When my DH's mother put them up I ed my dh how they could be uploaded onto to our laptop even though we didn't even have her as a friend.   He then sent her a message explaining that we don't have the kids photo's on the net and have asked for them to be removed.  Also politely told her not to put any more up.


I am sorry but if people can't respect your rules for your won child they should be more concerned about not being allowed to your house and limited visits with child rather than trying to bully you by not allowing you in their home.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: magician5 on April 21, 2013, 07:51:29 AM
But my DH is very much against it, and has literally said 'if you do that, you'll be back to not being allow to enter the house'. (yes, my family in law does not like me...

This request should come from your husband, else his family will consider it something coming just from you.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Venus193 on April 21, 2013, 07:52:20 AM
Your welcome  :)

I refuse to allow photo's of my underage kids on face book.  Regardless of who wants to put them on.  When my DH's mother put them up I ed my dh how they could be uploaded onto to our laptop even though we didn't even have her as a friend.   He then sent her a message explaining that we don't have the kids photo's on the net and have asked for them to be removed.  Also politely told her not to put any more up.


I am sorry but if people can't respect your rules for your won child they should be more concerned about not being allowed to your house and limited visits with child rather than trying to bully you by not allowing you in their home.

You are absolutely within your rights here. 

Waiting until you see your SIL depends -- on my opinion -- on how long it will be before you see her.  This should be addressed ASAP.  You need to make sure she doesn't cross the line again.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Sharnita on April 21, 2013, 07:55:27 AM
Would they be able to get any more phots to put up before you see them again to discuss it? (I agree that it should come from DH)  Also, while ther nuclear option might be that you aren't allowed in MIL's house, your nuclear option is to restict access to the child they obviously do like because they aren't following safety rules you have established.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: gramma dishes on April 21, 2013, 08:46:13 AM
...   


I am sorry but if people can't respect your rules for your won child they should be more concerned about not being allowed to your house and limited visits with child rather than trying to bully you by not allowing you in their home.

This.  Your husband really needs to develop a spine and keep in mind that his wife and child are now his primary responsibilities, not his birth family.   If they at one time already didn't "allow" you in their house, neither you nor he should be in the least concerned about whether or not they'll be angry enough to do that again.  At least if they don't allow you in their house and you don't allow them in yours, there will be no opportunity for them to take more pictures.

I agree with others that your husband should be the one to talk to his family, but he should definitely be siding with you.  He's allowing his family to control you (and HIM!).
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: WillyNilly on April 21, 2013, 09:17:00 AM
Can I ask - where does it stop? Can they post the pictures on Flickr?  What about Shutterfly or Vistaprint?
If she goes to the playground and ends up in the background of someone elses kid's photo, what then? Or if she goes to a party and is in group shots, can the host parent post photos of the party?  How about once she starts school?  Can other parents post the class picture or pictures from field trips that might have your daughter in them?

The reality is, if you don't want your kid's photo on the internet, you pretty much need to try to stop your kid's photo from being taken. Because hard copies of pictures are pretty rare these days; its all about the digital image.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: gramma dishes on April 21, 2013, 09:26:05 AM
...   
If she goes to the playground and ends up in the background of someone elses kid's photo, what then? Or if she goes to a party and is in group shots, can the host parent post photos of the party?  How about once she starts school?  Can other parents post the class picture or pictures from field trips that might have your daughter in them?   ...



In these instances it is very unlikely that the specific child would be identified by name (although obviously it isn't impossible).  So in all likelihood people who didn't already know who she was wouldn't know from the picture.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: sam on April 21, 2013, 09:37:18 AM
Can I ask - where does it stop? Can they post the pictures on Flickr?  What about Shutterfly or Vistaprint?
If she goes to the playground and ends up in the background of someone elses kid's photo, what then? Or if she goes to a party and is in group shots, can the host parent post photos of the party?  How about once she starts school?  Can other parents post the class picture or pictures from field trips that might have your daughter in them?



I can't speak for the op but for me the answer would be no.  We do not allow photo's of our children on the internet full stop.  As far as school is concerned parents/carers are not allowed to take photographs of the children so this would not arise.  As for at the park as far as I am aware it hasn't cropped up.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Carotte on April 21, 2013, 09:45:10 AM
I fail to see why you should break your own rule just to not cross your SIL or MIL.
If that's how they react when you remind them of something or ask something as easy as 'do not post pictures of my child on the net', then why would you want to be around them?
Let them have their tantrum, they're the one who loses at that game if they ever want to see your daughter.

OP's husband might be wanting to keep things smooth with his birth family but his birth family isn't making things smooth for OP
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: *inviteseller on April 21, 2013, 09:46:43 AM
They don't sound like people I would want around me or my child.  Tell them in no uncertain terms they are not allowed to post any pictures of your child on Facebook.  If they cut you off, so be it.  And I would watch allowing them to take pics of your baby.  Sounds over the top, but I feel the same way.  Someone in my family with a very seedy background and seedy friends took a picture of my DD and put it on his page and I made him take it down immediately.  If your husband tries to protect his FOO, just ask him how he feels about his DD's pic being out in cyberspace for anyone to see.

And Willy, at school, we have to sign a paper to allow for any pics of our children taken during the course of school events, but parents are NOT allowed to take pics of kids other than our own at events, altho they put u note in my DD's  kindergarten graduation papers that parents will be videotaping and snapping pics and if there was an issue with that, please let the teacher know.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: mmswm on April 21, 2013, 10:03:54 AM
Next, once the photos are taken, they belong to the photographer. Although it is nice if everyone refrains from posting her pictures on Facebook, it is not rude of them to do so. What about pictures that they take with the baby? Are those not allowed as well? The thing is, if you really don't want her pictures to go online, then you should not allow anyone to take her pictures. I don't think you have rights over those pictures after you consent for them to be taken.

I believe the OP is in the US.  While the photographs themselves might belong to the photographer, individuals do retain the right to the use of their name and image in publication.  With very rare exception (and events of the last week being one of those types of exceptions) individuals can expect that any media outlet (newspapers, books, television, and by extension, social media) would obtain a consent to release from the individuals in the photograph. If the individual is a minor, then the consent must be obtained from the minor's parent/guardian.  Here are some recent examples of photo releases I've signed:

-Every single school year for every child when they've been enrolled in school (I homeschool now).
-An event that took place at the children's hospital when oldest DS was a patient.  My mother and I signed releases for ourselves and all of our children who were present at the event.
-An event at a Shriner's hospital; releases signed for myself and my children.
-Not me, but my parents: They went to an series of events at the state capitol and signed dozens of photo releases for themselves and their still-minor children.
-Registration paperwork for two different fundraising events included photo releases.
-Purchasing tickets for several local events (Food and Wine Festival, Boat Show) indicated that cameras would be present and entrance into the event was implied consent. 

I know several people who have chosen not to allow their children's pictures to be posted on facebook or anywhere else on the web, and I don't find it unreasonable to be expected to respect the rules my friends have laid down for their children.  I have had to crop several pictures I wanted to post because one of those children was in them, and that's perfectly okay.  The nice thing about digital photography is that everybody can be a photo editor, and they don't even have to spend any money!  I just use Paint, and that comes free with any Windows computer.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Sophia on April 21, 2013, 10:45:21 AM
If it were me, I'd ask facebook to remove the photos now.
Then have DH bring it up next time you see them. 

Honestly, for people that cut me off during my entire pregnancy, I would not be doing any favors.  If they were injured, I'd try to help, and I'd be polite (Basically, they'd have stranger status)
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Venus193 on April 21, 2013, 11:19:18 AM
It is possible to restrict access to folders in one's Photobucket account.  However, I do not consider it unreasonable to demand that any photos taken of one's children be kept off the internet.

If you can't be sure that the photographer will respect that, then don't permit them to take pictures.

To the OP:  I second the motion on getting FB to remove those photos now.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: gramma dishes on April 21, 2013, 11:25:06 AM
...

I would love to just notify my sister in law, politely, to not post any more pictures. But my DH is very much against it, and has literally said 'if you do that, you'll be back to not being allow to enter the house'.
...

This one sentence really, REALLY bothers me.  If his parents/family are going to treat you the way they did during your pregnancy, why would you even want to go back to their house?  And even more so, why would he?

If my parents or my husband's parents had treated me that way, neither of us would have gone to their house ever again -- at least not until they had apologized profusely and repeatedly and even then I'd be wary.

I just don't understand your husband's position on this.  Can you clarify why he seems more concerned with how they feel than how you feel?
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: LeveeWoman on April 21, 2013, 11:32:32 AM
...

I would love to just notify my sister in law, politely, to not post any more pictures. But my DH is very much against it, and has literally said 'if you do that, you'll be back to not being allow to enter the house'.
...

This one sentence really, REALLY bothers me.  If his parents/family are going to treat you the way they did during your pregnancy, why would you even want to go back to their house?  And even more so, why would he?

If my parents or my husband's parents had treated me that way, neither of us would have gone to their house ever again -- at least not until they had apologized profusely and repeatedly and even then I'd be wary.

I just don't understand your husband's position on this.  Can you clarify why he seems more concerned with how they feel than how you feel?

Yeah, this is not about photographs at all. This is about a profound lack of respect for Syrse from her husband and his family of origin.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: NyaChan on April 21, 2013, 11:51:07 AM
I know the cat's kind of out of the bag on this one, but for the future with others --

I don't want any pictures of me posted online.  I never know who might see them or what might be in them that I didn't notice, and in my life there are reasons why that would be a problem.  When I was a teenager I did let friends take and post pictures of me thinking that they understood the parameters of what I was trying to keep out, but then got quite a shock when a friend who I thought understood more than any of the others posted something that had me scrambling for the phone asking her to take it off her FB page.  Eventually, I learned that in this day and age when nearly every picture is taken for the purpose of online display or social media, it is far better for me to simply not take pictures unless I am absolutely sure I don't mind it being put up.

That's going to be hard to manage with relatives and a baby, but maybe you could be preemptive and take your own pictures and give them hard copies along with a reminder that you don't put pictures of your child up on the internet, but you wanted them to have something of their niece/grandchild.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Syrse on April 21, 2013, 12:24:43 PM
OP here, and allow me to clarify something here, because my poor DH is coming off bad and that was not the intention  :)

DH doesn't mind there being pictures online, but he respects my view on it. He doesn't mind me telling his sister this, but he would prefer I do it face to face, because it's too easy for an email to be taken the wrong way.

As such, I would feel uncomfortable deleting the two pictures of her currently on facebook. The one my mom posted... DH liked. So it would be sending conflicting signals.

I talked with DH, and we seem to have reached a consensus. As long as it stays with the occasional picture, with absolutely no tagging or mention of her name, we'll leave the ones currently up. But we will re-mention the rules next time we see the offending family members.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: TootsNYC on April 21, 2013, 01:58:50 PM
Here's my vote:

On *your* status update, put: "friends and family--we're all excited about the baby,  but I want to ask you, quite sincerely: Please do not put ANY pictures of our child on Facebook. We're happy to pass along photos to you directly, but please to not put them on the Internet anywhere. Thanks for respecting our wishes on this."

Then it looks to everyone as though YOUR mom and HIS sister have both triggered this. And it's a blanket statement of policy.

Otherwise, yes, I'd vote for calling her up and saying, "It's a cute picture, but we want to ask you to please not put her photo on Facebook, even if she isn't tagged. It's just something we want, and I'm hoping you'll respect our wishes."
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: TinyVulgarUnicorn on April 21, 2013, 02:33:10 PM
OP here, and allow me to clarify something here, because my poor DH is coming off bad and that was not the intention  :)

DH doesn't mind there being pictures online, but he respects my view on it. He doesn't mind me telling his sister this, but he would prefer I do it face to face, because it's too easy for an email to be taken the wrong way.

As such, I would feel uncomfortable deleting the two pictures of her currently on facebook. The one my mom posted... DH liked. So it would be sending conflicting signals.

I talked with DH, and we seem to have reached a consensus. As long as it stays with the occasional picture, with absolutely no tagging or mention of her name, we'll leave the ones currently up. But we will re-mention the rules next time we see the offending family members.

Yeah, I kinda figured that was where your DH was coming from.  I personally don't understand it either, but my advice to you would be to ask in person that way you can clarify what you mean and there is less chance for miscommunication and hard feelings.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: WillyNilly on April 22, 2013, 09:23:22 AM
Can I ask - where does it stop? Can they post the pictures on Flickr?  What about Shutterfly or Vistaprint?
If she goes to the playground and ends up in the background of someone elses kid's photo, what then? Or if she goes to a party and is in group shots, can the host parent post photos of the party?  How about once she starts school?  Can other parents post the class picture or pictures from field trips that might have your daughter in them?



I can't speak for the op but for me the answer would be no.  We do not allow photo's of our children on the internet full stop.  As far as school is concerned parents/carers are not allowed to take photographs of the children so this would not arise.  As for at the park as far as I am aware it hasn't cropped up.

I have to say, honestly, I would not have a person/family over my home if this was this was their stance. I would not want to be limited, in my own home, to the point of not being allowed to take photos freely and then arrange them into a Shutterfly book or something of the like.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: *inviteseller on April 22, 2013, 01:43:14 PM
Can I ask - where does it stop? Can they post the pictures on Flickr?  What about Shutterfly or Vistaprint?
If she goes to the playground and ends up in the background of someone elses kid's photo, what then? Or if she goes to a party and is in group shots, can the host parent post photos of the party?  How about once she starts school?  Can other parents post the class picture or pictures from field trips that might have your daughter in them?



I can't speak for the op but for me the answer would be no.  We do not allow photo's of our children on the internet full stop.  As far as school is concerned parents/carers are not allowed to take photographs of the children so this would not arise.  As for at the park as far as I am aware it hasn't cropped up.

I have to say, honestly, I would not have a person/family over my home if this was this was their stance. I would not want to be limited, in my own home, to the point of not being allowed to take photos freely and then arrange them into a Shutterfly book or something of the like.

The problem with other peoples kids and school pictures- and I found this out when I was on PTA committees and they had to explain the rules- there are kids who cannot have their pics taken for the simple fact they are in foster care, or living with a POA order against a parent, and to post these pics or use them in any way can endanger the child.  Now at the last couple of Birthday parties my DD was at,  the parents told us they were going to take pics so if they didn't want their child in these pics, please let them now (we do have one parent who doesn't allow it but she is really cool about it).  In this day and age, putting your kids pics out there opens you up to anyone sharing and taking them, and in rare cases, have been used in not so good ways.  I do post pics to a private family album on FB, but they do not get shared (one of the rules of the album) and they are in a group that you have to get invited into.  And if you did not want to associate with me and my family because I have a rule about how my childrens images are distributed, I would not be offended, I would just wonder why you would be offended over my parental decisions.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: amylouky on April 22, 2013, 02:05:22 PM
Can I ask - where does it stop? Can they post the pictures on Flickr?  What about Shutterfly or Vistaprint?
If she goes to the playground and ends up in the background of someone elses kid's photo, what then? Or if she goes to a party and is in group shots, can the host parent post photos of the party?  How about once she starts school?  Can other parents post the class picture or pictures from field trips that might have your daughter in them?



I can't speak for the op but for me the answer would be no.  We do not allow photo's of our children on the internet full stop.  As far as school is concerned parents/carers are not allowed to take photographs of the children so this would not arise.  As for at the park as far as I am aware it hasn't cropped up.

I have to say, honestly, I would not have a person/family over my home if this was this was their stance. I would not want to be limited, in my own home, to the point of not being allowed to take photos freely and then arrange them into a Shutterfly book or something of the like.

That would certainly be your right.. it is your home. But this puzzles me.. are pictures so important that they're worth giving up spending time with family/friends who do not wish for their/their childrens' pictures to be taken or posted online? Seems a bit like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

I do think that people have the right to control how their images and those of their children are used. There can be many valid reasons for not wanting pictures out of your control. When we were fostering, we were not allowed to post pics of our FKs online, and we had to make sure that our family and friends were aware of the rule also. I'd have been hurt if they decided that having pictures of everyone attending an event was more important than having us there.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: bopper on April 22, 2013, 03:06:11 PM
Your DH is worried that they will cut you off....you could say "Sweetie...I want nothing more to have a good relationship with your parents and our child's grandparents...but if us setting boundaries about our child causes them to cut off contact, then that is really on them, and not me. They had a chance to parent the way they wanted, and we will parent the way we want. It is not uncommon to not want pictures of your child on the internet.  They probably think "oh just my friends will see these" but as we all know, once pictures are on the internet they can end up anywhere."

There are different schools of though on kid pictures on the internet:

1) Public (any one can see them)
2) Mostly Private (private group on photobucket)
3) Semi Private (only show pictures to "friends" on Facebook)
4) No pictures at all on the internet

You and your DH have to agree to a level.  Many rational people do anyone of those options. None are better, none are worse. But you have to feel comfortable and I would think that the more private person should win.
Then talk to him about boundaries...that your and his decisions about your children stand, and the more you let others intrude, the more they think they have a say.  If they don't know when to back off, then you will reduce spending time with them. And if they cut you off because they don't like your decisions about YOUR kid, then so be it.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: TootsNYC on April 22, 2013, 03:40:20 PM
It's also just not that necessary to post all the pics of your kid's bday party, is it?
I'd want to know about this before you left your kid at the birthday party. Because I might really want to post the pics to show relatives the crafts, etc. But I can certainly take some without your kid, since your preferences are different from other people's.


I've put other people's kids' pictures online sometimes, but rarely--and in the case that I did, it was done as a way to share with his mom AND her family (I tagged her so they'd see it), who *already* shared pictures of the child in question online.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: SamiHami on April 22, 2013, 05:23:03 PM
I think your first conversation should be with your husband. If he doesn't support you in this, then what happens when his family breaks other rules you've set about your child? This is a great opportunity for you both to get on the same page and show a unified front to his family. This is a rule you've set about your own child. If you don't stand up for her then who will? That should come first over being allowed in his sister's home! Be polite and firm and be sure to follow through on this with all family members. Good luck.

I agree with this. Does your husband support the "No pictures on Facebook" preference? This should be your immediate concern.

Next, once the photos are taken, they belong to the photographer. Although it is nice if everyone refrains from posting her pictures on Facebook, it is not rude of them to do so. What about pictures that they take with the baby? Are those not allowed as well? The thing is, if you really don't want her pictures to go online, then you should not allow anyone to take her pictures. I don't think you have rights over those pictures after you consent for them to be taken.

I don't quite agree with this statement. Parents do have a right to control whether or not pics of their kids are posted on social media. I think adults have that right, as well. If someone posted a pic of me without permission they would be told to take it down. And if they refused, I would be making a complaint directly to Facebook to have it taken down.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: gramma dishes on April 22, 2013, 09:24:20 PM
Actually, if parents request that their children's pictures not be 'published' and that would include Facebook or any other social media, the photographer must comply with the parents' wishes.

It is true that most pictures of most subjects belong to the photographer (and they are automatically copyrighted and no one can copy it, sell it,  use it, or claim it as their own).   But there is a different set of very specific rules that apply when you're photographing kids. 

If she is willing for them to take pictures of her child, she might not care if they printed them out and kept them in a family photo album (old fashioned book form) rather than putting them on Facebook for the whole world to see.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: sam on April 23, 2013, 02:59:44 AM
Can I ask - where does it stop? Can they post the pictures on Flickr?  What about Shutterfly or Vistaprint?
If she goes to the playground and ends up in the background of someone elses kid's photo, what then? Or if she goes to a party and is in group shots, can the host parent post photos of the party?  How about once she starts school?  Can other parents post the class picture or pictures from field trips that might have your daughter in them?



This would not bother me in the slightest. I would never dream of trying to prevent people from taking photo's in their own home.  However if said person was not prepared to respect my child's right to privacy and my right to set rules for my child then my child wouldn't be in their home or them in mine.  I think it boils down to respecting parental choices.  You don't have to agree with them but you shouldn't go against them.

By you I mean a general you. I am not trying to suggest in any way, shape or form that you would do something like this. Although there probably are plenty of people who would.

I can't speak for the op but for me the answer would be no.  We do not allow photo's of our children on the internet full stop.  As far as school is concerned parents/carers are not allowed to take photographs of the children so this would not arise.  As for at the park as far as I am aware it hasn't cropped up.

I have to say, honestly, I would not have a person/family over my home if this was this was their stance. I would not want to be limited, in my own home, to the point of not being allowed to take photos freely and then arrange them into a Shutterfly book or something of the like.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: TootsNYC on April 23, 2013, 09:59:34 AM

It is true that most pictures of most subjects belong to the photographer (and they are automatically copyrighted and no one can copy it, sell it,  use it, or claim it as their own).   But there is a different set of very specific rules that apply when you're photographing kids. 

'

There are also very different sorts of rules/laws that govern where the pictures can be *published*.

But that's law, and we're not supposed to go there.

The ETIQUETTE fact is that if a parent has asked you to not put pictures of their kid on Facebook or anywhere, you must comply. If you don't, you are rude. And you have also committed an etiquette violation. (which are actually separate things)
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Syrse on April 28, 2013, 07:51:26 AM
OP here again.

Well, we have a bit of a pickle. My husband let me know his mom posted a picture of our little girl on facebook. I asked him if he said something about it, he said no. I asked if we could at least see the picture, see if she was tagged or named, which I would then want to fix.
... his mom has blocked him on facebook. He can't look her up or anything. This probably happened back when we were just pregnant, but there you go.

Now i just want to send her a note saying 'hey, I heard you had a picture up, can we at least see it?'
Or post something on facebook about posting pictures. He, of course, doesn't want to do anything. Sigh.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Sharnita on April 28, 2013, 08:07:21 AM
This is confusing to me.  How are they getting these photos?  How did DH find out about the photo if he is blocked?  Quite frankly, it seems like you and he hold the trump card - access to DD.  If she can't respect your wishes voluntarily you can make darn sure she does it by cutting off her access to DD and pictures of DD. She is already treating you badly and blocking her own son without you taking the steps so I don't see what else she can do to punich you for sticking up for yourself.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: LeveeWoman on April 28, 2013, 08:08:58 AM
OP here again.

Well, we have a bit of a pickle. My husband let me know his mom posted a picture of our little girl on facebook. I asked him if he said something about it, he said no. I asked if we could at least see the picture, see if she was tagged or named, which I would then want to fix.
... his mom has blocked him on facebook. He can't look her up or anything. This probably happened back when we were just pregnant, but there you go.

Now i just want to send her a note saying 'hey, I heard you had a picture up, can we at least see it?'
Or post something on facebook about posting pictures. He, of course, doesn't want to do anything. Sigh.

You have issues with him as much as you have issues with them!
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: JenJay on April 28, 2013, 08:19:59 AM
I'm sorry to say that I think your DH is the problem, not your in-laws. He sets a boundary then sits back and watches while they trample it, does nothing, and warns you not to do anything either because he's afraid they'll cut you off? From where I'm sitting you've got two choices. You can throw in the towel and plan on allowing her to dictate her relationships with you, your DH and your DD forever, or, you can stand up now and let the chips fall where they may. If she wants to throw a fit and refuse to acknowledge you then let her, but make darn sure she's aware that you will not be sending your child anywhere her Momma isn't welcome.  ;)

If she's blocked him how does he know she posted a new pic? Someone told him? Someone who is concerned or who wants to stir up drama?

I think he needs to bite the bullet and email her "Mom, I heard through the grapevine that you've been posting pics of DD on Facebook. As you know Syrse and I have asked everyone not to put her photos online. I tried to access your Facebook page to see for myself but it appears you have blocked me. It feels like you are sending a message - 'I'll do what I want and if you do 't like it, too bad.' You should be aware that my response to that is 'Respect my boundaries with regard to my family or I won't bring DD over or share her photos with you.' I hope you choose to respect my wishes. I would like for you to have a close relationship with DD but that's up to you."
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: artk2002 on April 28, 2013, 08:25:01 AM
Sounds like grandma isn't getting any more pictures, right? That's the best way to keep her from posting them on FB.

I agree with others that you have a big DH problem, far more than pictures on the 'net or a MIL who blocks access for no apparent reason.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Syrse on April 28, 2013, 08:26:39 AM
DH was over there with our daughter to help in the yard. She took a picture while they were out, and told him about it.
And I fully realize where the problem lies, and that it's probably no longer an etiquette appropriate topic.

DH is trying to play the middle man. Apparently his mom is just as ticked off with me as I am with her. He wants everyone to get along.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Sharnita on April 28, 2013, 08:28:56 AM
He thinks he is trying to play the middle man.  He goes over there, does her yard work, she takes a picture of his child and posts it but blocks him.  That is not the middle man, that is the doormat.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: JenJay on April 28, 2013, 08:35:15 AM
DH was over there with our daughter to help in the yard. She took a picture while they were out, and told him about it.
And I fully realize where the problem lies, and that it's probably no longer an etiquette appropriate topic.

DH is trying to play the middle man. Apparently his mom is just as ticked off with me as I am with her. He wants everyone to get along.

But... you haven't done anything wrong!  :(

I can relate to what you're dealing with. When my DD was a few weeks old I emailed all the grandparents a file of photos. I specifically said that they were welcome to make prints of whatever they wanted except for three shots that were taken immediately after her birth where she was naked.

A week or so later we were invited to the home of my mom and her then-husband for a get-together with their combined extended family. I walk in and what do I see? Three 8X10 prints of those photos and no others. I don't know which of them had done it but it made quite a statement - "You can't tell us what to do with the pics you send!" Fair enough.

I didn't say a word. It wasn't worth the argument. Instead I made darn sure that from that point on I only sent whatever photos I was comfortable with them printing and sharing publicly. Did they miss out on a lot of photos? Yes they did. They made their decision and I made mine.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Venus193 on April 28, 2013, 08:51:38 AM
Your husband is in denial.

He needs to understand that the lack of respect for your boundaries is a control issue and that if he backs down in the name of "wanting everyone to get along" he will end up resenting his cowardice down the road.

Do not allow your MIL access to the child.  She has blocked you from FB and takes the pictures herself.  And don't send any pictures to anyone who might pass them on to her.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: LeveeWoman on April 28, 2013, 08:56:23 AM
DH was over there with our daughter to help in the yard. She took a picture while they were out, and told him about it.
And I fully realize where the problem lies, and that it's probably no longer an etiquette appropriate topic.

DH is trying to play the middle man. Apparently his mom is just as ticked off with me as I am with her. He wants everyone to get along.

Have you told him, in no uncertain terms, that he is not supposed to be in the middle, that his place is beside his wife and child?
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: *inviteseller on April 28, 2013, 09:12:51 AM
You're husband is not in the middle..if he were in the middle he would be trying to make both sides happy and working toward a resolution.  All he is actually doing now is letting his mom do whatever the heck she wants and telling you to deal with it to keep the peace.  And who the heck does she think she is to be mad at you????  It is your DD and YOU make the rules and set the boundaries, not her.  I am fuming on your behalf because I have been there my my former MIL (and still am to a point).  She knew better, she made the rules and I was to sit back and let it happen because it would keep the peace.  I did until until she started taking over with my DD and enough was enough.  The ultimatum to hubby was either get her in line or lose all access to her granddaughter.*  You need to tell DH that you and your DD's happiness are more important to him than his mother's..remind him this is the woman that cut you off before during the pregnancy.  And unfortunately, if someone has you blocked on FB you can't report them but I would have absolutely no problem sending a family wide post stating that no pictures of your child are to be posted online with out BOTH you and your husband's permission and all existing pictures online now must be removed. 

*I unfortunately had to enforce boundaries finally with a court order as they put her medically in danger with some interesting decisions that flew in the face of all intelligence and sanity, but were done with the express desire to hurt me.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: mstigerlily on April 28, 2013, 11:05:09 AM
That is not the middle man, that is the doormat.

^^This.

OP, for me it's not about these pictures, it's about the precedent you and your husband are allowing to be set. What happens when they want to pierce her ears/take her to an unapproved place/eat unapproved foods/whatever? It's going to happen. What will you do then? Either you and your dh need to start standing up now or be prepared to be run over time and time again.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Mikayla on April 28, 2013, 11:14:50 AM
OP, I agree with all the latest posts.  There's a big difference between a nice guy wanting people to be happy vs one who consistently puts his wife second to keep someone else happy. 

It could easily be that these photos just don't bother him.  But if they bother you that much, then the only way he'd be in the middle is if he doesn't care about what bothers you.  However....


I talked with DH, and we seem to have reached a consensus. As long as it stays with the occasional picture, with absolutely no tagging or mention of her name, we'll leave the ones currently up. But we will re-mention the rules next time we see the offending family members.

When I read this, I wasn't sure what your rules even are.  If it's expressed to them the way you put it with the bolded, this is very subject to interpretation.  So before getting DH on your side, make sure you're being very clear what it is you want. 
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Allyson on April 28, 2013, 12:11:18 PM
Why is she ticked off at you now? I wasn't sure why she cut you off the first time--was it based on an incident where you guys into an argument of some kind, or a perceived insult? Or did it seemingly come out of nowhere? Cause, if the latter, that's an incredibly stressful thing to do have to deal with--effectively always trying to guess if the next thing you do will cause another rift. I am sorry you are having to deal with this, in any case. I myself might not understand the 'no pics on internet' policy but I would absolutely respect it, and be really embarrassed if I forgot someone's policy.

His mother blocking him on facebook but posting pictures of his kid seems really odd, too!
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Nemesis on April 28, 2013, 01:19:01 PM
I am really sorry that this is happening :(

Is cutting off all access to your child without your presence agreeable to your spouse? That way at least you can stop photos from being taken.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Venus193 on April 28, 2013, 01:20:54 PM
This sounds like the only way to do that.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Amara on April 28, 2013, 03:04:28 PM
I agree with cutting off her access but I think you need to think this out before deciding to go this route, if you do.

What about holidays? What about school pictures or the ones you take? What happens as she gets older? What about other relatives and friends? Will you allow them to take pictures if they promise not to share them either online or with her? What happens if they do anyway? Will you and your DH be the sole picture taker and decide who gets them, and if so what guidelines do you wish to institute when you do share them?

It sounds like a messy and nasty situation and I am truly sorry for you. If I had a child I would do what you are doing. No pictures online, ever, however difficult that made it for others. I wish you the best of luck in making your decision.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: SPuck on April 28, 2013, 03:57:00 PM
It sounds like a messy and nasty situation and I am truly sorry for you. If I had a child I would do what you are doing. No pictures online, ever, however difficult that made it for others. I wish you the best of luck in making your decision.

I agree it is a messy situation and it sounds like a lot of it is just coming from her in-laws. I mean seriously Syrse was banned from the houses for a period of time, and why should the in-laws get access to the grandchild if they can't respect the mother?
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: kudeebee on April 28, 2013, 04:55:06 PM
I would be concerned that mil has blocked your dh from her fb page.  Why?  Solely because of pictures she wants to post or due to what posts she is making about your family/you in particular.

You and dh need to really talk over this picture on internet decision.  I know you are worried about the pictures getting into the wrong hands and something being done to them, but honestly if a person is wanting to do that, he/she can take pictures of anybody out in public and do that.  There is no way you can ever be sure noone is taking/posting/altering pictures of your children.

More so, you and dh need to set boundaries in regards to mil.  He should not be going over to mil's place if she has banned you and he most definitely should not be taking your dd.  He is not in the middle, he is on YOUR SIDE period.end of discussion.  Until he realizes and enforces this with mil, you will always have problems.

DD should not be going anywhere that you are banned, even with her dad.  That includes to mil's.  That is a hill to die on.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: gramma dishes on April 28, 2013, 05:03:54 PM
...   

DD should not be going anywhere that you are banned, even with her dad.  That includes to mil's.  That is a hill to die on.

I 100% agree.  I would change one thing.



...   

DD should not be going anywhere that you are banned, even with her dad.  That includes ESPECIALLY to mil's.  That is a hill to die on.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Venus193 on April 28, 2013, 05:50:25 PM
I agree with cutting off her access but I think you need to think this out before deciding to go this route, if you do.

What about holidays? What about school pictures or the ones you take? What happens as she gets older? What about other relatives and friends? Will you allow them to take pictures if they promise not to share them either online or with her? What happens if they do anyway? Will you and your DH be the sole picture taker and decide who gets them, and if so what guidelines do you wish to institute when you do share them?

It sounds like a messy and nasty situation and I am truly sorry for you. If I had a child I would do what you are doing. No pictures online, ever, however difficult that made it for others. I wish you the best of luck in making your decision.

I think the OP needs to look at the history and assess whom she can really trust among her in-laws.  If she can't trust a BIL or SIL to not forward pictures to this insane MIL she should not let them take any or have any.

I really don't see what is so difficult about this.  There is no social mandate to provide photos you don't wish to share or take.  The omnipresence of cameras just makes them possible, but not mandatory.  She is the parent and should have the last word on this.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: perpetua on April 28, 2013, 11:54:25 PM
I really don't see what is so difficult about this.  There is no social mandate to provide photos you don't wish to share or take.  The omnipresence of cameras just makes them possible, but not mandatory.  She is the parent and should have the last word on this.

The OP's DH is also the parent, and he doesn't seem to mind if pictures are posted.

What if he *wants* to share them with family etc via FB? Does he not get a say in it? Why do her wishes trump his?

That could be part of the problem.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Nemesis on April 29, 2013, 12:06:45 AM
I really don't see what is so difficult about this.  There is no social mandate to provide photos you don't wish to share or take.  The omnipresence of cameras just makes them possible, but not mandatory.  She is the parent and should have the last word on this.

The OP's DH is also the parent, and he doesn't seem to mind if pictures are posted.

What if he *wants* to share them with family etc via FB? Does he not get a say in it? Why do her wishes trump his?

That could be part of the problem.

I wonder if he was just agreeing with OP to avoid a fight with her, but actually does not mind sharing their child's pictures on Facebook. This could be why he isn't taking a stronger stand on it. I think OP needs to have a proper discussion with her spouse that allows him to be open about his opinion without the fear of being shot down. Note that I am not saying that OP shoots him down, I meant that there is a difference between "We need to talk" and "Let us have an open discussion on this". Some people don't like conflict and would just avoid it by letting you think whatever you want.

If he does agree strongly with the "no pictures online" rule, then his role should also be an active one. Not the passive one that he is currently taking.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: perpetua on April 29, 2013, 12:10:46 AM
I really don't see what is so difficult about this.  There is no social mandate to provide photos you don't wish to share or take.  The omnipresence of cameras just makes them possible, but not mandatory.  She is the parent and should have the last word on this.

The OP's DH is also the parent, and he doesn't seem to mind if pictures are posted.

What if he *wants* to share them with family etc via FB? Does he not get a say in it? Why do her wishes trump his?

That could be part of the problem.

I wonder if he was just agreeing with OP to avoid a fight with her, but actually does not mind sharing their child's pictures on Facebook. This could be why he isn't taking a stronger stand on it. I think OP needs to have a proper discussion with her spouse that allows him to be open about his opinion without the fear of being shot down. Note that I am not saying that OP shoots him down, I meant that there is a difference between "We need to talk" and "Let us have an open discussion on this". Some people don't like conflict and would just avoid it by letting you think whatever you want.

If he does agree strongly with the "no pictures online" rule, then his role should also be an active one. Not the passive one that he is currently taking.

Yes, this.

My OH for example is very conflict-avoidant. He'll agree with me on issues to avoid a fight then do exactly the opposite when it comes down to it, because it's actually something he wants to do, but didn't want to have a fight over.

If the OP's DH *does* want to use FB to share photos with the family I don't see why the OP should get the sole say in whether he can or not.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Venus193 on April 29, 2013, 05:48:40 AM
It should be the parents' prerogative only, but the problem is that no matter what you say to others I'm not sure that you can prevent anyone from sharing stuff you post on your FB page or share on theirs.

I just checked Photobucket and they don't have a way to disable sharing by others you choose to share with even when your album is otherwise private.

The OP should definitely have a serious discussion with her husband about this and I vote for a total moratorium about sharing photos with anyone until that is resolved.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Sharnita on April 29, 2013, 05:57:41 AM
I think the problem is really bigger than the photo thing.  MIL (and possibly others?) treat OP badly and even block DH on facebook.  As DD gets older that dynamic will be confusing and upsetting.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Nemesis on April 29, 2013, 06:05:29 AM
I think the problem is really bigger than the photo thing.  MIL (and possibly others?) treat OP badly and even block DH on facebook.  As DD gets older that dynamic will be confusing and upsetting.

Oh, I totally agree with this. But they are separate issues. His family is one gigantic issue. Photos going online is issue. Number 2. I thnk the family issue is way too big for etiquette. Probably needs some professional help. But the photos issue needs to be communicated properly, politely and with the active role of both parents.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Calistoga on April 30, 2013, 11:59:10 AM
You said DH supports you in this. If both of the parents have made this decision, or agreed on the decision, then it's rude for others to ignore it. Even if DH doesn't feel as strongly about the picture issue as you do, he respects your desire not to have pictures of Baby on the internet.

I would sit down and talk to him about it first of all. Explain to him why it's a big deal to you. Help him understand 100 percent why you feel so strongly about this. Hopefully, even if he doesn't agree, he will understand that this is very important to you. The two of you need to talk and come up with an understanding.

Once the understanding has been met, then talk to family. If you guys both agree that a few pictures that are not tagged are OK, then let family members know not to tag her. Whatever the decision is, make it clear that the decision was made by BOTH of you.

If you see people posting pictures you aren't OK with, ask them politely to take them down and explain why. If issues arise, let facebook remove the picture.


As for MIL...that sounds like a whole nother pot of nonsense that DH needs to deal with.
Title: Re: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?
Post by: Syrse on May 05, 2013, 03:19:27 PM
OP here,

we seem to have gotten a bit off track, so an update before my poor DH completely comes off as the bad guy  :P We discussed the rules, SIL and other people have been reminded of them, which are now: a picture now and then is ok, no tagging, no mentioning names, no full albums. We've had a few other boundaries to set, but it all went over pleasant. I realize a few pictures aren't a hill to die on.
They have been warned about transporting her without proper carseat though. They seemed to understand our problem with it. Still, one more strike and we are revoking visitation.