Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: MummyPumpkin83 on April 27, 2013, 09:28:52 PM

Title: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122
Post by: MummyPumpkin83 on April 27, 2013, 09:28:52 PM
I've posted this here cause its about my sister, but feel free to move if inappropriate

BG:
I am the eldest of 3 girls I have been married for 7 years and my middle sister has been married 5 years. My youngest sister is set to get married later this year. I had my 2 sisters as bridesmaids, they were 20 and 15 at the time. My middle sister had us 2 plus 3 friends, and my youngest sister is doing the same (ie 5 bridesmaids, 5 groomsmen).

I have 3 young boys and my husband and I have one car.

Issue:
My sister is turning into a small bridezilla - I think.

1. She has requested a "brand name plasticware company that do "parties" at your house" kitchen tea. This means that if people purchase items the benefits of the profits will go to my sister. I have a feeling people may feel pressured to purchase items to give to her as well. - How do I tell her that I think this is tacky?

2. She is getting married at church about 15 mins from my house. She currently lives with my parents and the other 4 bridesmaids live near her, all around 50mins drive from my house (past the church location). She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready. Including paying $150ish for hair and make up. This would mean that my husband would be left with the 3 boys and no car to get to the wedding, or he would have to do an approx 2 hour round trip to drop me off, or someone would have to pick me up. I am happy to pay for hair and makeup somewhere close to home if she send me a style. - Should I suck it up, be a good bridesmaid and get ready with her, or can i stay home and get ready with my own family and meet her at the church?

3. I have just received a facebook message from one of the other bridesmaids (i don't know them but we are organising things via facebook private message) about her Hens night. the order of the night? 1. Pole Dancing, 2. dinner out, 3. go to the city and dance the night away at clubs. She wants 3 parts so that people can decide to "just come to one part" if they want or they can come to all 3. I can tell you now that my middle sister and I (both with young children) will not be dancing the night away at clubs, nor would i be comfortable with pole dancing (my incredibly conservative sister wouldn't be either). Is it rude for 2 bridesmaids - who are also the brides sisters to miss 2/3 Hen's night activities?

4. she has also mentioned, several times, the amount of money her fiance's parents make and how they could "just pay for it all" ("buy us a house"!) if they wanted. - How do I tell her that speculation about what her future in-laws should or could do with their money is rude, and may also make her resentful if she continues to feel entitled to benefit from their "wealth"?

thanks in advance for your words of wisdom!
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: NyaChan on April 27, 2013, 09:37:16 PM
To be honest, I'm not really seeing bridezilla here.

1) Not my cup of tea to be sure.  I take it this is supposed to be in lieu of a bridal shower?  I think you could gently mention to her that this sort of party can put pressure on guests to buy things they don't really want and maybe put it in terms of you worrying that the focus on selling might take attention from the whole celebration of her/wedding part.  A sales party in general is not per se rude though, if properly disclosed and handled.

2)  I think this is a reasonable and typical request.  Definitely not unusual to ask bridesmaids to come get ready with the bride and travel with her to the church.

3)  Your sister already said that people needn't come to everything, so take her at her word.  Tell her that pole dancing and staying out late won't work for you, but you are very excited to attend the dinner.

4)  This is not good behavior on her part, but I don't think it is really your place to tell an adult that they are rude.  Still, it is your little sister, so in my family at least that would give you a great deal more leeway.  If you are worried that this may reflect badly on her, you could try pointing out to her that typically it is better not to discuss finances with others, especially when it is not one's own finances. 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Sharnita on April 27, 2013, 09:38:02 PM
1) she can have a tupperwear party if she wantsbut in no way should it be connected to her wedding/shower/anything else.  Conversely, you might be able to register for tupperwear but not have a party and if anybody asks if she is registered I don't see why tupperwear would be any worse than crystal but there should be no hosting a party and benefitting/GOH at a shower crossover.

2) Her expaxtations are unreasonable.  I suppose you could act as if it is a given you won't be driving there - maybe ask "So who will be picking me up?"  If she balks point out that DH can't drive you and the kids there (and then return home) so the only other option is you having your hair done around home.

3) I think I would tell her that it is kind of her not to expect people to attend all portions of the evening and that you will only be at portion number 2.  Thank her for being so understanding.

4) I wouldn't waste my breath on this one.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: ccnumber4 on April 27, 2013, 09:49:18 PM
 

1. She has requested a "brand name plasticware company that do "parties" at your house" kitchen tea. This means that if people purchase items the benefits of the profits will go to my sister. I have a feeling people may feel pressured to purchase items to give to her as well. - How do I tell her that I think this is tacky?
 

What is a "kitchen tea"?  Is that the same as a bridal shower?  If so, yes, that is usually how these things work, the guests purchase items for the bride.  I don't particularly care for it, either, but unless you are in charge of it, I don't think your opinion matters.  If you are hosting, I think you can tell her you don't feel comfortable with it, but I think you should find some other word than "tacky."

2.  If the church is 15 minutes from your house, why can't you go get ready at your sisters place and then make sure you give yourself time to go home and pick up your husband and sons?  This is your sister's wedding and you are a bridesmaid.  Did she do those things for you or your other sister?  Sometimes you do things that aren't convenient for you, because, well, it's not always about you.  If cost isn't an issue (and you say it is not, as long as it doesn't inconvenience you), then I think you should plan to be there with the rest of the bridal party. 

3. Is your sister the one who wants the 3 separate parts to the night?  If so, take her at her word, and go to the part that you are comfortable with.  I'd think accepting the honor of being a bridesmaid sort of implies that you know there will be a bachelorette party / hen's night that might require you to spend a few hours away from your children.  Again, did your sister go to these events for you and the other already-married sister? 

4. Totally none of your business.  Ignore her.  She'll figure it out and I doubt she wants your advice. 

The overall tone I get from your post is that your sister's wedding is a burden on you.  My advice is to remember she is your sister, and this is her wedding.  Unless she was a total bat at your wedding, I don't see why these are "small bridezilla" issues to you. 







Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Zizi-K on April 27, 2013, 10:00:01 PM
I agree with everyone else on items 1, 3 and 4. I don't think her request (#2) is unreasonable, but I also don't think it is unreasonable for you to decline. Not only are the transportation logistics difficult, but I also think it would be difficult for your husband to wrangle all three children alone to get them to the wedding.Sit down with her with some hair magazines (or the internet!) in advance to pick out a hair style and makeup style so that you will coordinate with the other girls. If she really puts up a fuss (or you decide you want to be in the pre-wedding photos, etc), you might just consider renting a car for the day so that no one has to drop you off or make 2 hour round trips.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: delabela on April 27, 2013, 10:02:27 PM
I think it's completely reasonable for your sister to want her bridesmaids to get ready with her.  This isn't just any event, it's her wedding - she is likely to need support.  I for one greatly appreciated the help of my friends and family in getting ready the day of my wedding.  Presumably the wedding is not for some time - I would start thinking about arrangements (can you go back to early and pick your family up?  Can they take a cab to the ceremony and meet you there?  Is there someone else who could give them a ride?)

So I would say she is not a bridezilla.  I agree that the kitchen tea does not sound like something I would have for myself, but I probably wouldn't think twice if someone else did it.  As for commenting on her in laws money, I think you would be doing her a favor to gently suggest it's not a great idea to talk about how much money anyone has, but especially future in laws. 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: reflection5 on April 27, 2013, 10:03:38 PM
1) she can have a tupperwear party if she wantsbut in no way should it be connected to her wedding/shower/anything else.  Conversely, you might be able to register for tupperwear but not have a party and if anybody asks if she is registered I don't see why tupperwear would be any worse than crystal but there should be no hosting a party and benefitting/GOH at a shower crossover.

2) Her expaxtations are unreasonable.  I suppose you could act as if it is a given you won't be driving there - maybe ask "So who will be picking me up?"  If she balks point out that DH can't drive you and the kids there (and then return home) so the only other option is you having your hair done around home.

3) I think I would tell her that it is kind of her not to expect people to attend all portions of the evening and that you will only be at portion number 2.  Thank her for being so understanding.

4) I wouldn't waste my breath on this one.

What do you mean by that?  Please explain.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: CakeEater on April 27, 2013, 10:12:52 PM
I would absolutely expect bridesmaids to get ready with the bride. I'd be pretty upset if one of my bridesmaids met me at the church. that's part of the fun of the day.

I think if she's having three parts to the hens night so people can attend the parts they want, I think it' fine to attend the parts you want.

And honestly, if she's speculating about her inlaws' finances with you and not with everyone she knows, I wouldn't be that worried about it.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: *inviteseller on April 27, 2013, 10:21:21 PM
1)  You can't call it a tea when it is really a pressured sales presentation, with the added guilt of having to buy because it benefits the bride.  I would say something to her that people may resent feeling pressured to buy something they don't want/need can't afford. 
2) I would tell your sister that you can't come and have your hair done with everyone as you have the transportation issues but I would do everything in my power to get there as early as you can to help your sister.  There is the leeway that you do have 3 small kids and a husband that need to get ready also and if your husband is driving back and forth, that makes it difficult.
3)  Just tell her what part you will be able to join without judging her choices for her night.
4)  Take her out for a coffee, if you can and talk to her about tact and talking about her in laws money.  That is not how she wants to start off the marriage thinking she is set because his parents have money.
1) she can have a tupperwear party if she wantsbut in no way should it be connected to her wedding/shower/anything else.  Conversely, you might be able to register for tupperwear but not have a party and if anybody asks if she is registered I don't see why tupperwear would be any worse than crystal but there should be no hosting a party and benefitting/GOH at a shower crossover.

2) Her expaxtations are unreasonable.  I suppose you could act as if it is a given you won't be driving there - maybe ask "So who will be picking me up?"  If she balks point out that DH can't drive you and the kids there (and then return home) so the only other option is you having your hair done around home.

3) I think I would tell her that it is kind of her not to expect people to attend all portions of the evening and that you will only be at portion number 2.  Thank her for being so understanding.

4) I wouldn't waste my breath on this one.

What do you mean by that?  Please explain.

I think what she means is not to get involved in her inlaw stuff...
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Iris on April 27, 2013, 10:53:35 PM
1) For those who don't know a kitchen tea is sort of like a shower, but geared specifically towards helping the newlyweds set up their kitchen. For example when my cousin got married my mother and I put in and got her a set of saucepans at her kitchen tea. I haven't been to one for years because as people are cohabiting before marriage more they've gone out of fashion/relevance. So I have no problem with kitchen teas in general, especially since your sister is still living at home. However, I don't like the 'sales party' aspect of it much myself. If I were invited to a sales party for plasticware I just wouldn't go because I don't like it, but when it comes as an invitation to a kitchen tea I would feel more pressure to attend and also buy. So I would do them separately.

2) The request is reasonable - it's fun to all get ready together! however, I think she needs to be open to discussing logistics with you. Perhaps you could be 'done' first so you have time to collect your husband and boys before the ceremony?

3) Just attend the dinner. I think it is fine and overall it sounds like a good plan.

4) I would stay way, way away from this one myself.

So I vote not bridezilla but a bit misguided on the kitchen tea.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Pen^2 on April 27, 2013, 10:57:08 PM
She may be a bridezilla in other things she does, but her actions here at least seem reasonable.

1: tacky and maybe just clueless. As long as it's all made clear on the invitations, though, people who attend do so freely and knowing what to expect, so no harm done. If it's dressed up as something different and then a "surprise! Buy stuff" pulled, that's a whole other kettle of fish.
2: reasonable. Part of accepting being a bridesmaid is to accept that you'll be doing something like this, i.e. getting ready for the big day all together. This seems perfectly normal. Is a taxi out of the question for your husband and children?
3: If she stipulated that she's okay with people missing out on parts of the night, then it is okay for you to do so. If she doesn't want that, then she shouldn't say otherwise and get upset about it. You're not a mind-reader and shouldn't try to be: if someone tells you to do something, do it, and let any unhappiness they might experience be well-deserved. I actually think she's being very thoughtful with this.
4: tacky and maybe just clueless, again. A quiet word might suffice if she's actually embarrassing herself in front of others outside the family with this, although I'd be very careful about how you do it. Maybe get one of your parents involved as she may respond better, depending on the relationships and all that.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Hmmmmm on April 27, 2013, 11:01:07 PM
1.  You don't tell her your opinion of it being tacky but you can say you are not comfortable hosting a party where guests need to purchase during the party and sit through a sales presentation. And then suggest she register for it and guests can pre-buy from that list or from one of her other registries.

2. It's reasonable but also reasonable why it creates a hardship for you. How about just explaining to her and asking how hurt shed be?

3. Well personally I'd go to the pole dancing part to just watch. But I think it's fine to just go to the dinner.

4. Not sure it's your place. You could make a joke the next time you hear it to bring her attention to it. "Sis, are you already calculating your inheritance? Better not let the in laws hear you?"
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: kudeebee on April 27, 2013, 11:40:53 PM
1. She has requested a "brand name plasticware company that do "parties" at your house" kitchen tea. I don't like sales parties for a shower.  It puts too much pressure on guests to buy things they don't want or need.
2. She is getting married at church about 15 mins from my house. Should I suck it up, be a good bridesmaid and get ready with her, or can i stay home and get ready with my own family and meet her at the church?While it would be nice for you to be able to go and get dressed with them, I think with 3 young kids (I am assuming 5 and under?) and only 1 car it is not very feasible.  If your dh has to drive a 2 hour round trip with 3 young kids and then get them ready for the wedding, the 3 little ones will probably not be in a very good mood at the ceremony/reception.  Also, you probably need to be at the church early for pics and such and you don't need the little ones there that early. Your dh probably wants to slip in with them at the last minute.  I would sit down with her and explain that you can't make it to your parent's house in the morning, but you will get your hair done in her chosen style, and that you will meet her at the church at the requested time.

3. I have just received a facebook message from one of the other bridesmaids (i don't know them but we are organising things via facebook private message) about her Hens night. the order of the night?  She wants 3 parts so that people can decide to "just come to one part" if they want or they can come to all 3. Take her at her word and only attend the dinner.  Make sure you inform of this ahead of time.

4. she has also mentioned, several times, the amount of money her fiance's parents make and how they could "just pay for it all" ("buy us a house"!) if they wanted. I wouldn't say a word about this when she brings it up.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: MummyPumpkin83 on April 27, 2013, 11:45:38 PM
I don't really think she is a bridezilla, though she has called herself that, and her fiancÚ has accused her of it.

All three of us were living with my parents when we got married, so we all got ready together.

With the logistics of getting to the ceremony, it's hard cause car seat laws in our state say that all 3 of our kids still need to be in car seats, so finding someone with a car big enough to fit the seats + kids+ husband might be difficult. My sister has "voluntold* my dad that he can come get me, but that means he'll be away from his last daughter getting ready for her wedding.

And yes Iris is right a kitchen tea is an Aussie version of a shower.

I wouldn't mind the pole dancing, I just have the idea that when they know its for a hens night it could get a bit raunchy.

*voluntold is something we say in my family where usually my mum, offers someone's services to do a job, then tells that person what she has volunteered them to do.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Roodabega on April 27, 2013, 11:50:07 PM
2. She is getting married at church about 15 mins from my house. She currently lives with my parents and the other 4 bridesmaids live near her, all around 50mins drive from my house (past the church location). She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready. Including paying $150ish for hair and make up. This would mean that my husband would be left with the 3 boys and no car to get to the wedding, or he would have to do an approx 2 hour round trip to drop me off, or someone would have to pick me up. I am happy to pay for hair and makeup somewhere close to home if she send me a style. - Should I suck it up, be a good bridesmaid and get ready with her, or can i stay home and get ready with my own family and meet her at the church?


I'm only going to address question 2.  Is it possible for you to either get a ride from your husband, or someone else the night before?  You would be there in the morning for hair, makeup, and pictures and your husband would have the car available to get to the wedding.  I know it means your husband would have to wrangle the 3 children himself, but it would allow you to be there for your sister. 

Possibly someone else not in the wedding party could help your husband with getting the kids ready on the day of the wedding and then ride with him to the wedding?  Or as suggested above, a couple of other options are asking for a ride to get to the house in the morning, or have your hair/makup done first and then head back home and pick up husband and kids.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: NyaChan on April 27, 2013, 11:53:14 PM
I think the suggestion to just go the night before is a good one.  If you are very worried about your husband and the kids, perhaps ask if your family could stay at your parents overnight and all leave together. 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: WillyNilly on April 28, 2013, 12:24:18 AM
...My sister has "voluntold* my dad that he can come get me, but that means he'll be away from his last daughter getting ready for her wedding...

I don't understand this?  He won't be away from her getting ready if he's picking you up so you can be there while your sister gets ready... because he'd be back with you in time for her getting ready - I mean isn't that the point? Now if he objects to the drive that's one thing, and reasonable, but if this is your reason for not wanting this solution, then it really doesn't make sense.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: NyaChan on April 28, 2013, 12:25:50 AM
...My sister has "voluntold* my dad that he can come get me, but that means he'll be away from his last daughter getting ready for her wedding...

I don't understand this?  He won't be away from her getting ready if he's picking you up so you can be there while your sister gets ready... because he'd be back with you in time for her getting ready - I mean isn't that the point? Now if he objects to the drive that's one thing, and reasonable, but if this is your reason for not wanting this solution, then it really doesn't make sense.

Good point - I am wondering the same thing. 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: LifeOnPluto on April 28, 2013, 02:11:02 AM
1) I think a tupperware party for a Kitchen Tea is fine, so long as your sister doesn't expect gifts on top of that. If I understand it, your sister will get some of the cash generated from any sales made at the party? That should be "the gift". If she insists on wanting gifts on top of whatever sales are made, I'd distance myself from this party, and refuse to have anything to do with hosting it. Oh, and as PPs have stated, it should be made clear upfront to guests that it is in fact a tupperware party.

2) I'd encourage you to try your best to be there, getting ready with your sister on the morning of her wedding. I like the idea about staying overnight at your parents' place. Or perhaps you can take a taxi, or public transport, to their house first thing in the morning?

3) Again, it's not rude to just attend the dinner part of the Hen's Night. Slightly off topic, but I personally don't see what's so outlandish about going to a nightclub if you happen to be a mother. No one's saying that you HAVE to dance with strange men. You can just have a drink (soft drink, if you like), dance a while with the girls, then leave. 

4) This is tacky, and as a sister, I personally think it's ok to tell her that she shouldn't EXPECT her in-laws to fork out once she's married.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Margo on April 28, 2013, 02:20:00 AM
1. This feels 'off' to me - but we don't have a tradition of showers or kitchen teas.

2. Totally reasonable. You agreed to be her bridesmaid, it would be very strange for you not to be there to get ready and to help her. If your dad is willing to come collect you then the transport issue is solved. If not, staying over the night before would be an option.

3. She's said she's fine with people not coming to everything. Let her know in advance which part you can come to. But if your only reason for not going to the first part is child care then I would try to solve that as a child care issue so you can be with your sister as much as possible. I think it would be good if at least one (of you and your other sister) were here at the start of the evening, but not essential.

4. None of your business. IF your relationship with your sister is such that you can bring it up, then OK, but it isn't your responsibility. If you have any misgivings at all about how any comment would be received, say nothing.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Sharnita on April 28, 2013, 06:18:20 AM
As far as #4 goes, it isn't your job to change her thinking on that and I kind of doubt you could anyway.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Specky on April 28, 2013, 08:31:14 AM
In the minority, but I find the expectations in #2 unreasonable.  OP lives 15 min from the church and about an hour away from bride.  Three young children, one car.  Very unreasonable expectation of the bride.








Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: MurPl1 on April 28, 2013, 11:40:04 AM
If this were a typical family dinner, I'd say that it was unreasonable.  But it's not.  It's a unique, important occasion.  Hopefully this is the one and only time the bride will be having a wedding.  It's not unreasonable that she wants her sister there to get ready.  That is fairly typical for weddings.  If my sister chose convenience over spending time with me on my wedding day, it would definitely change the dynamics of our relationship.  Especially if there are solutions available.  It's not the youngest sister's fault that the oldest sister moved away and had three children and changed the expectations of what getting ready for the wedding would entail. 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Snooks on April 28, 2013, 12:17:21 PM
For the kitchen tea I actually think it sounds kind of practical if it's a gift giving occasion as if people want to bring a gift for her the can otherwise they can buy something from the party for her.  Just make it clear that it's a tupperware party on the invites.

I think you need to find a way to be there, it would be nice if you and your other sister could stay over the night before and have one last family night in with your mum, dad and little sister before her wedding. 

For the hen party, the pole dancing and clubbing are more friend activities than family activities so I think you're fine to miss them but maybe you could volunteer to get to the restaurant early and put up some decorations/goody bags for everyone (basically making the arrangements for the meal your contribution to the hen party).

Stay well out of her opinions on her in laws, just smile, nod and change the subject.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Addy on April 28, 2013, 12:34:03 PM
A Tupperware party as a shower/kitchen tea sounds perfectly reasonable to me.  The whole point of a shower is to give presents. So guests can pick out a gift (and Tupperware has a wide variety of price ranges) or even go in with someone else to split costs.

1) I think a tupperware party for a Kitchen Tea is fine, so long as your sister doesn't expect gifts on top of that. If I understand it, your sister will get some of the cash generated from any sales made at the party? That should be "the gift". If she insists on wanting gifts on top of whatever sales are made, I'd distance myself from this party, and refuse to have anything to do with hosting it. Oh, and as PPs have stated, it should be made clear upfront to guests that it is in fact a tupperware party.

The way these parties work, IME, is that a percentage of the sales can be put toward products, and there is also a hostess gift. There will be no cash for the bride, but she will get free products, as well as gifts from the guests. People aren't there to buy things for themselves, but for the bride. (although I guess it would be possible to put an order in for yourself if you wanted to.) I personally like these kinds of showers. It could have been worse, it could have been lingerie!
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Mikayla on April 28, 2013, 01:03:14 PM
The only thing that strikes me as ghastly is the Tupperware party, and I'm obviously the odd man out. 

IMO, everything about it is ghastly.  It's self directed giving, the bride benefits additionally from the purchases, and if this is meant to be her shower gift, it applies a weird form of social pressure to those who may be a bit financially strapped, but see what others are spending? 

And this doesn't even address the issue of forcing guests to listen to a marketing presentation, along with subtle pressure to purchase for themselves. 

The rest of it seems ok to me, but not this one.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: lady_disdain on April 28, 2013, 02:41:32 PM
Having the bridesmaids with her to get ready is quite reasonable, in my opinion. I am sure the OP's husband can care for his children and get them to the wedding, even if, for some reason, they aren't picture perfect. The time with my sister would be more important than some unruly hair. If the church is close, a taxi wouldn't be very expensive. Or he could arrange a ride with another guest in the area or coordinate with other family members who may be willing to go a little out of their away.

I dislike the tupperware kitchen tea. Those presentations aren't a party, they aren't celebratory and they aren't fun for the guests. If the bride really wants tupperware (and not just the money from the party), perhaps someone could hold a party some time before and let the guests know (on a strictly, "hey, there will be a tupperware party at my place. I know bride likes their products so it may be a good time to buy a few things for her shower - we can split the hostess's part!").
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: kudeebee on April 28, 2013, 05:10:31 PM
Depending on where they live, there may not be taxi service or public transportation.  Where I grew up, neither of these were available.

I don't think you would want 3 young children in the house during the time the bride and bridesmaids are wanting to get ready.  Little kids are active and would want to be in on "what's going on".  I have visions of sticky fingers touching dresses, feet getting caught on dresses and rips happening, juice being split, etc.  Plus now OP would have to help corral her kids as well as worry about getting ready.

Life situations change.  When OP got married, she was the oldest, and the other two were not, the btb was only 15 and living at home.  Fast forward seven years and there are 3 young kids, one car and distance involved.  So it is not going to be the same as it was when OP got married.  It might work if op's dad can get her the night before so she can leave car with dh.  If not, OP needs to do what works best for her in this situation.  DH can get her to church early or dad can come and get her so she can get to church early and spend time with her dsis there.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: lellah on April 28, 2013, 05:28:13 PM
Frankly this whole conversation makes me a little sad.  Your sister apparently wants a Tupperware party held to celebrate her wedding.  If your her sister and her bridesmaid can you not say "deary, I'm not sure everyone's going to want to sit through that.  Why don't you let us spread the good word you love Tupperware and see what that yields gift-wise instead?  Then we just have a lovely tea?" 

Likewise, I feel as though having yourself madeup with your sister--and maybe borrowing a friend's car or hiring a babysitter for an hour or two--seems within the parameters of bridesmaiding.  It seems to me you might enjoy a little pampering and girl time, friend's car or hiring a babysitter for a bit in order to do so--is not at all beyond the normal no?  If it's utterly unfeasible, talk to her frankly but kindly. 

And the nightclubbing?  No one says you have to close down the bars.  Put on something sparkly, buy your sister a drink, and go home to bed and family. 

The latter case seems like it's none of your business.  You're her big sister, not her keeper.  The next time she brings up financial topics you might say airily "oh, moneytalk is no fun: let's talk about the flowers."  Or whatever.  Do it every time.  She'll get the hint.

It seems like you're not really all that willing to make the same effort for her she must've made for you and that you're a lot more interested in judging her choices.  I think you'll be a happier bridesmaid and she'll be a happier bride if you are a little more honest and a little less interested in pointing out her alleged rudeness.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: delabela on April 28, 2013, 05:30:02 PM
Depending on where they live, there may not be taxi service or public transportation.  Where I grew up, neither of these were available.

I don't think you would want 3 young children in the house during the time the bride and bridesmaids are wanting to get ready.  Little kids are active and would want to be in on "what's going on".  I have visions of sticky fingers touching dresses, feet getting caught on dresses and rips happening, juice being split, etc.  Plus now OP would have to help corral her kids as well as worry about getting ready.

Life situations change.  When OP got married, she was the oldest, and the other two were not, the btb was only 15 and living at home.  Fast forward seven years and there are 3 young kids, one car and distance involved.  So it is not going to be the same as it was when OP got married.  It might work if op's dad can get her the night before so she can leave car with dh.  If not, OP needs to do what works best for her in this situation.  DH can get her to church early or dad can come and get her so she can get to church early and spend time with her dsis there.

Sure life situations change.  However, the issue is whether OP's sister's expectations are reasonable.  And by most people's understanding of a bridesmaid's role, they are.  If the bride was insisting that OP be there for every event, from engagement party through after wedding brunch, regardless of the effect on her family, that would be completely out of line.  But this is the day of the wedding.  My opinion is that OP should make every effort to be there that morning, and she's gotten some good suggestions here on how that could be possible.

So I guess I disagree that the OP needs to do what works best for her in this situation.  It would no doubt be more convenient for her to get ready at her own home and drive over to the church with her family.  But for this one day, it's appropriate to do what is less convenient for her and her family in order to support her sister. 

On another note, I certainly agree that 3 children in the mix of getting ready doesn't sound like a recipe for success!
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: katycoo on April 28, 2013, 06:35:36 PM
...My sister has "voluntold* my dad that he can come get me, but that means he'll be away from his last daughter getting ready for her wedding...

I don't understand this?  He won't be away from her getting ready if he's picking you up so you can be there while your sister gets ready... because he'd be back with you in time for her getting ready - I mean isn't that the point? Now if he objects to the drive that's one thing, and reasonable, but if this is your reason for not wanting this solution, then it really doesn't make sense.

Also - not many Dad's are hanging around while their daughter and her Bms are getting dress/Hair and makeup etc.  Its not really a man's scene.
Why can't you just go there the night before and stay over?  Take the pressure off that morning rush.  I think its nice to be with the bride.  Your DH can stay with the kids and bring them to the wedding the next day.

The Tupperware party, I just don't think its a big deal.  I've been to one as a Kitchen Tea.  Some people purchased for the bride, some for themselves, some not at all.  I didn't feel pressured at all.

I would try to go to 2/3 ofthe hen's party, even if you just watch and not participate.  Maybe go for a few cocktails after dinner but leave at a reasonable time?

Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: CluelessBride on April 28, 2013, 06:55:20 PM
[quote author=MummyPumpkin83 link=topic=127173.msg2933568#msg2933568 date=1367116132
1. She has requested a "brand name plasticware company that do "parties" at your house" kitchen tea. This means that if people purchase items the benefits of the profits will go to my sister. I have a feeling people may feel pressured to purchase items to give to her as well. - How do I tell her that I think this is tacky?
[/quote]
Honestly, all showers are inherently gift grabby, that's why they aren't supposed to be self-hosted.  Since presumably you and the other bridesmaids are hosting, I think you need to talk to the other bridesmaids about what they want/think. Take your sister's preference (the sales party) into account as you decide what you all want to do. 

Quote
2. She is getting married at church about 15 mins from my house. She currently lives with my parents and the other 4 bridesmaids live near her, all around 50mins drive from my house (past the church location). She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready. Including paying $150ish for hair and make up. This would mean that my husband would be left with the 3 boys and no car to get to the wedding, or he would have to do an approx 2 hour round trip to drop me off, or someone would have to pick me up. I am happy to pay for hair and makeup somewhere close to home if she send me a style. - Should I suck it up, be a good bridesmaid and get ready with her, or can i stay home and get ready with my own family and meet her at the church?

She's not being unreasonable at all here. That of course doesn't mean that it's not inconvenient for you. But it also doesn't seem that inconvenient to me. I spent several hundred dollars to fly across country for my sister's wedding in addition to paying for dress, hair, makeup etc  (as a grad student - so money was tight). I've known people with kids who have hired weekend sitters to be able to attend childfree weddings. So needing to find alternative transportation for an hour drive just doesn't seem that bad. Because that's what you do when you love someone - you sacrifice to share in their special once in a life time event. You are of course within your right to choose not to sacrifice for her, but she is within her right to see that as a change in your relationship. A car rental is generally less than $50 per day (many areas less than $20). Maybe you could rent one for the weekend so that your husband could have the car to take the kids to the church.

Quote
3. I have just received a facebook message from one of the other bridesmaids (i don't know them but we are organising things via facebook private message) about her Hens night. the order of the night? 1. Pole Dancing, 2. dinner out, 3. go to the city and dance the night away at clubs. She wants 3 parts so that people can decide to "just come to one part" if they want or they can come to all 3. I can tell you now that my middle sister and I (both with young children) will not be dancing the night away at clubs, nor would i be comfortable with pole dancing (my incredibly conservative sister wouldn't be either). Is it rude for 2 bridesmaids - who are also the brides sisters to miss 2/3 Hen's night activities?
I'm not sure how this relates to being/not being a bridezilla?  I think it is fine to only attend part of the night's activities, as long as there is at least one bridesmaid at each part (from a coordination perspective). I do think that if you wanted you could go to part 3 for a short time and leave early instead of skipping it altogether, but that is sort of a preference thing.  I also figured its worth mentioning that a pole dancing class isn't necessarily "non-conservative". I've never been myself, but there are several gyms around here that offer them as aerobics classes (and do parties). People go in work out gear and it is apparently a lot of fun and not really about sex - I've heard them described as more about being silly than being sexy.  Not that that means you need  to go (I really do think you are completely fine skipping). But since its a level of comfort issue, I thought it was worth mentioning that it might not be exactly what you are expecting (and of course, maybe that is what you were expecting and you aren't comfortable - which is fine).

Quote


4. she has also mentioned, several times, the amount of money her fiance's parents make and how they could "just pay for it all" ("buy us a house"!) if they wanted. - How do I tell her that speculation about what her future in-laws should or could do with their money is rude, and may also make her resentful if she continues to feel entitled to benefit from their "wealth"?

thanks in advance for your words of wisdom!

I think you could choose to say nothing here if you wanted. But if you are close, it might be worth asking (yourself and/or her) why she is talking about this. Is she normally very selfish and entitled? If so one conversation isn't going to change that now. Is talking about wealth like this really out of character for her? If so is it possible she is feeling a bit apprehensive about marrying into a family that seems to be very well off?  Or perhaps they talk about money often? Or maybe she is worried about finances and moving out and isn't expressing herself clearly.


Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Sharnita on April 28, 2013, 07:28:57 PM
I think the problem with the Tupperwear Party is that it is a business propostiion and you just don't combine business interests and showers. 

As far as the bachelorette party, I don't think thereis any obligation for anybody to be at any portion of the party.  If nobody is available for the late night  portion then maybe there just shouldn't be a late night portion.  If nobody else is interested in pole dancing then maybe pole dancing isn't the best idea.

Spending $50 to rent a car on top of $150 for hair and makeup, not to mention the cost of a dress, the Bachelorette Party, the shower, probably a wedding gift? That does not strike me as a reasonable expectation or solution.  Having Dad pick up OP is better but the costs for hair and makeup still seems a bit OTT.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: nuit93 on April 28, 2013, 09:05:47 PM
I don't see why you can't stay the night with your sister the day before so you can be there to do hair/makeup and leave the car with your DH?
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Bluenomi on April 28, 2013, 11:00:36 PM
1. Tupperware parties are really common for kitchen teas, I had one in fact. Nobody bought me any tupperware or in fact any gifts and the only perk was because I was considered the 'host' I got the good deal which is why it was arranged for me. Can't see anything wrong with this one.

2. Part of being a bridesmaid is being there to help the bride get ready. I think you just need to deal with this one. It's possible, I had occasions where I've been transport for a friend who was a BM and needed her breast feeding baby dropped of and picked up a few times during the day and we made it work.

3. Sounds like a pretty standard hens night. If you don't want to go, don't go. Or see if you can changes the plans remembering it isn't your hen's night so the bride's preference takes precedent.


Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: MummyPumpkin83 on April 28, 2013, 11:21:27 PM
Were we live in Australia I'd be looking at any where from $50 for one day to upwards of $100 for the whole weekend to rent a car. This is on top of the $150 for hair and makeup, $120ish for dress. Plus whatever I end up spending on kitchen tea hosting/gift and hen's night.

Taking my own car to my sisters house and leaving DH at home with the boys for someone to collect leaves the problem of having the car at my sisters/parents almost an hour away at the end of the night (since i'd be travelling in bridal party transport to the ceremony and reception).

I have 3 boys who would definitely be underfoot, and potentially messy while getting ready so not feasible to have them there.

My parents have a small 3 bedroom house. So having my whole family (me + DH + 3 boys) stay wouldn't work. I could potentially stay, however I have a co-sleeping still breastfeeding 19 month old who would have to come with me (though this could have changed by August).

Probably the best option would be for my dad to come get me the morning of the wedding.

My boys are invited to the Ceremony, but not reception so my MIL will be coming to watch the ceremony and take the boys afterwards.

Like I said before, I don't actually think she is a bridezilla, just that she has called herself that. She threatened to "go all bridezilla" on my other sister who had a problem with the style of bridesmaids dress.
I do think that some of her actions are rude / inconsiderate.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: bansidhe on April 29, 2013, 01:31:28 AM
In the minority, but I find the expectations in #2 unreasonable.  OP lives 15 min from the church and about an hour away from bride.  Three young children, one car.  Very unreasonable expectation of the bride.

I'll keep you company in the minority. The transportation logistics make it pretty tough to pull off.

Also, I'm startled by the number of people who view getting ready together as part of a bridesmaids duties - or at least an expectation. I never encountered this expectation on the multiple occasions I was a bridesmaid and now wonder if it's a regional thing or if I just had weird friends. I always got ready on my own, then helped the bride with anything she needed.

Even if the "getting ready together" thing is a tradition in OP's family or region, I think allowances should be made if following that tradition presents an undue hardship. Weddings aren't always storybook affairs. Reality - such as three kids and one car - intrudes.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: guihong on April 29, 2013, 05:55:42 AM
In the minority, but I find the expectations in #2 unreasonable.  OP lives 15 min from the church and about an hour away from bride.  Three young children, one car.  Very unreasonable expectation of the bride.

I'll keep you company in the minority. The transportation logistics make it pretty tough to pull off.

Also, I'm startled by the number of people who view getting ready together as part of a bridesmaids duties - or at least an expectation. I never encountered this expectation on the multiple occasions I was a bridesmaid and now wonder if it's a regional thing or if I just had weird friends. I always got ready on my own, then helped the bride with anything she needed.

Even if the "getting ready together" thing is a tradition in OP's family or region, I think allowances should be made if following that tradition presents an undue hardship. Weddings aren't always storybook affairs. Reality - such as three kids and one car - intrudes.

Come to think of it, I didn't get ready with my bridesmaids either.  Two of them had very new babies, one had two little children and one car like the OP, and the other lived with her parents and didn't have a car.  I was staying at my MIL's house.  I didn't think I missed anything at the time; didn't think of getting ready together, in fact.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: lowspark on April 29, 2013, 07:53:20 AM
Quote
My boys are invited to the Ceremony, but not reception so my MIL will be coming to watch the ceremony and take the boys afterwards.

Any chance your MIL can pick up your husband & boys? She's taking them afterwards, so I guess she's going to have deal with all the car seats anyway, right?

As far as leaving your car at your parents' house and riding with the bridal party, I would say to just go ahead and drive it to the wedding. This is one point that I'm thinking could easily reasonably be agreed to.

I agree with PPs who say that as far as getting ready together, that request is not unreasonable. The $150 is a lot of money, so if you really can't afford it, that's your out. But this is your sister's wedding. Surely a few inconveniences can be accomodated for her sake.

I really don't think you can compare these circumstances to your wedding. It's a lot easier to organize two younger sisters who live in the same house as you than two sisters who are grown and have their own lives. The reality is that the circumstances are completely different for her than they were for you.

Sometimes, we just have to suck it up and do things we're not thrilled with for the sake of the people we love.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Winterlight on April 29, 2013, 08:03:12 AM
1. In my social circles, holding a tupperware party for a bridal shower would be considered odd and quite tacky.

In the minority, but I find the expectations in #2 unreasonable.  OP lives 15 min from the church and about an hour away from bride.  Three young children, one car.  Very unreasonable expectation of the bride.

Agreed, unless you can spend the night at the house with your family.

3. I'd agree to the part that you are comfortable with.

4. I'd just pretend I didn't hear it.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Kari on April 29, 2013, 09:13:41 AM
I think the problem is that you and your sister are at two different points in your lives. You've settled down in the role of Mom and she's only just about to start married life. She's picked activities that are fun for her but unfortunately are incompatible with your idea of entertainment. It doesn't make her a bridezilla, or you a snowflake, but it just means you are in two different places in your lives. There's a sizeable age gap between my sisters and me, so I feel for you and your sister here. I think the nice thing to do would be to beg off the activities that are too wild for you and make an appearance at the ones that aren't. Otherwise, it can come off like you mean "I'm a serious mom now with my own family and can't be bothered to do the silly things you like to do" when you really just don't want to watch people pole-dance. (Can't blame you!)

As for getting ready together -- did you get ready with your sisters when you were a bride? Perhaps she wants that experience and the moment is significant for her. Could someone give you a lift to your parents' house to solve the car issue? And perhaps you could bring your own hair and makeup stuff to skip the $150 bill. I think a little discussion with your family can clear up if it's really important you be there or not.

Good luck! Hope everything gets sorted out!
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: sparksals on April 29, 2013, 09:25:05 AM
Frankly this whole conversation makes me a little sad.  Your sister apparently wants a Tupperware party held to celebrate her wedding.  If your her sister and her bridesmaid can you not say "deary, I'm not sure everyone's going to want to sit through that.  Why don't you let us spread the good word you love Tupperware and see what that yields gift-wise instead?  Then we just have a lovely tea?" 

Likewise, I feel as though having yourself madeup with your sister--and maybe borrowing a friend's car or hiring a babysitter for an hour or two--seems within the parameters of bridesmaiding.  It seems to me you might enjoy a little pampering and girl time, friend's car or hiring a babysitter for a bit in order to do so--is not at all beyond the normal no?  If it's utterly unfeasible, talk to her frankly but kindly. 

And the nightclubbing?  No one says you have to close down the bars.  Put on something sparkly, buy your sister a drink, and go home to bed and family. 

The latter case seems like it's none of your business.  You're her big sister, not her keeper.  The next time she brings up financial topics you might say airily "oh, moneytalk is no fun: let's talk about the flowers."  Or whatever.  Do it every time.  She'll get the hint.

It seems like you're not really all that willing to make the same effort for her she must've made for you and that you're a lot more interested in judging her choices.  I think you'll be a happier bridesmaid and she'll be a happier bride if you are a little more honest and a little less interested in pointing out her alleged rudeness.

I have to agree with all of this. 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: StuffedGrapeLeaves on April 29, 2013, 09:44:02 AM
Frankly this whole conversation makes me a little sad.  Your sister apparently wants a Tupperware party held to celebrate her wedding.  If your her sister and her bridesmaid can you not say "deary, I'm not sure everyone's going to want to sit through that.  Why don't you let us spread the good word you love Tupperware and see what that yields gift-wise instead?  Then we just have a lovely tea?" 

Likewise, I feel as though having yourself madeup with your sister--and maybe borrowing a friend's car or hiring a babysitter for an hour or two--seems within the parameters of bridesmaiding.  It seems to me you might enjoy a little pampering and girl time, friend's car or hiring a babysitter for a bit in order to do so--is not at all beyond the normal no?  If it's utterly unfeasible, talk to her frankly but kindly. 

And the nightclubbing?  No one says you have to close down the bars.  Put on something sparkly, buy your sister a drink, and go home to bed and family. 

The latter case seems like it's none of your business.  You're her big sister, not her keeper.  The next time she brings up financial topics you might say airily "oh, moneytalk is no fun: let's talk about the flowers."  Or whatever.  Do it every time.  She'll get the hint.

It seems like you're not really all that willing to make the same effort for her she must've made for you and that you're a lot more interested in judging her choices.  I think you'll be a happier bridesmaid and she'll be a happier bride if you are a little more honest and a little less interested in pointing out her alleged rudeness.

I have to agree with all of this.

Me, too. 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Lynn2000 on April 29, 2013, 02:22:21 PM
1. Tupperware party. Well, really, the shower hostess should decide on the parameters of the party, and if they don't want to host an official Tupperware party, they don't have to. I don't see how the bride would benefit from the party, cash-wise, because she shouldn't be hosting it, she should just be the guest of honor. Only the hostess and/or the saleswoman should be benefiting in terms of cash/points. Now, if you mean that the bride is the saleswoman, and she's looking to lure friends and relatives in to her sales party with the promise of it being her kitchen tea, I do think that's tacky; the two things should not be combined, IMO.

Anyway, whoever is hosting the party can nod at the bride's suggestion, but then do whatever they feel comfortable with (or bow out as hostess). Just like they would if the bride was insisting on a huge crowd with expensive food that the hostess couldn't afford, or an adult-themed shower that the hostess didn't feel comfortable with, or whatever. If the idea is that the bride wants a lot of Tupperware, I would just encourage her to register for a lot of it, and then host a regular shower/kitchen tea to which the guests bring gifts of their choosing.

In terms of what to tell her, that could be a bit tricky. I might go with, "I'd rather not combine a sales party with the kitchen tea for your wedding. How about we just have a regular kitchen tea, and then later on [after the wedding] if you want me to host a Tupperware party, I'll consider it. I just wouldn't want people to feel pressured to attend, or to buy extra things, which they might if they knew it was for your wedding." Really, whoever is hosting has the veto power over what goes on in their house/in their name.

2. Being with the bride the morning of the wedding to get ready. To me this seems a reasonable request. You also have reasonable objections to it. It sounds like there's plenty of time until the wedding, so I would sit down and try to work out a solution that allows you to spend some bonding time with your sister that morning, while also allowing your DH and sons to get to the church on time. I don't know what that solution might be, and I can imagine that it might not be 100% ideal for you. But, if your sister has expressed that this is important to her, I think it would be nice if you could try to work something out, for this one-time event.

3. Pole-dancing and clubbing would not be my cup of tea either, so I would just go to the dinner. She's said she's fine with that, so there it is. Just let her and the hostess know in advance in case there are reservations, taxis, etc. to be arranged. Your other sister can do the same, if she feels the same way.

4. In-laws' money. Irritating to listen to, certainly, but whether or not you should say something really depends on your relationship. Some sisters would just be like, "You sound like a gold-digging fool, knock it off." If your relationship requires more diplomacy and delicacy than that, I don't think I'd even bother; it's not really your problem. I'd probably just stop discussing the topic with her and bean-dip whenever she brought it up, hoping she would get the hint that I didn't care and didn't want to hear it.

If her comments were hurting the feelings of people we both cared about, though, I might say something. Like if your parents are paying for stuff, and she's going on about how her in-laws could pay for more and better, that would make me pretty mad. I would probably take her aside and say, "Listen, maybe you don't mean it this way, but when you say that stuff, it comes off like you're putting down Mom and Dad's generosity in paying for your wedding. You know they'd never say anything but I'm sure it's hurtful to them, and I wish you would stop."
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: bah12 on April 29, 2013, 03:27:46 PM
Nothing that you described, to me, screams out bridezilla.  I agree that the tupperware party may be a bit tacky and frankly doesn't sound all that enjoyable, but I don't think the desire to have one makes her a bridezilla.  Who's hosting the party?  That is the person that sets the rules.  They should take into account what she wants, possibly share some concerns and alternate ideas with her, and then host the type of party that they can ultimately afford and are comfortable doing.

Like everyone else, I think that it's reasonable to want the bridesmaids to all be together and travel to the wedding together.  Every wedding that I have been in, to include my own, has worked out that way.  I understand that transportation may be difficult, and even that it may be difficult for your DH to handle 3 small children by himself on the wedding day even if transportation wasn't an issue, but I think you should try your best to make it work.  If your dad can pick you up (or better yet, I like the idea of having your DH drop you off the day before) then you should do that.  Your DH, I'm sure, can be trusted and is responsible enough to handle the kids for one night and get them to the wedding in one peice.  It may not be enjoyable for him, but hopefully he would be willing to do that for you and your sister.  And if ultimately this is something that just cannot be accommodated, then explain to your sister why you can't do it.  Her requesting your presence, though, is not bridezilla behavior. 

As for the hen's night, I actually think that it was kind of the organizers to break the evening out into three distinct parts so that people can come and go to the parts that they choose.  It's way better than feeling like you're stuck for all activities that you may not enjoy.  That being said, I think you should try to be there for as much of it as possible.  I'm assuming the pole dancing is more like a class and I think it could be fun (even for those that are ultra conservative).  Even if you don't participate in the actual dancing portion, it would be fun to watch the other girls (IMO).  And for the clubbing part...yeah, I'm with you about having the stamina/desire to dance all night, but you don't have to.  You can still go, have a drink with your sister and call it a night earlier than the rest of the party.  Yet, again, you're sister did communicate that you don't have to go to all of it, so if you only really are able to go to one of the three events, then do that. 

Finally, I agree with you that your sister shouldn't speculate about her in-laws financial situation...or at least not out loud.  But, again, that has nothing to do with her wedding really and doesn't make her a bridezilla.   I think more than her talking about it, it would be inappropriate for you to tell her not to.  However, I do think that when she's talking to you about it, you can say things like "I'm really not comfortable talking about the financial situation of other adults, regardless of how much or little they have, can you pass some bean dip?" 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: NyaChan on April 29, 2013, 05:54:41 PM
Also, couldn't your MIL stop by to help your husband with the children in getting ready the morning of?  She's going to the same place anyways and taking them home with her.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: LifeOnPluto on April 29, 2013, 09:52:35 PM
Frankly this whole conversation makes me a little sad.  Your sister apparently wants a Tupperware party held to celebrate her wedding.  If your her sister and her bridesmaid can you not say "deary, I'm not sure everyone's going to want to sit through that.  Why don't you let us spread the good word you love Tupperware and see what that yields gift-wise instead?  Then we just have a lovely tea?" 

Likewise, I feel as though having yourself madeup with your sister--and maybe borrowing a friend's car or hiring a babysitter for an hour or two--seems within the parameters of bridesmaiding.  It seems to me you might enjoy a little pampering and girl time, friend's car or hiring a babysitter for a bit in order to do so--is not at all beyond the normal no?  If it's utterly unfeasible, talk to her frankly but kindly. 

And the nightclubbing?  No one says you have to close down the bars.  Put on something sparkly, buy your sister a drink, and go home to bed and family. 

The latter case seems like it's none of your business.  You're her big sister, not her keeper.  The next time she brings up financial topics you might say airily "oh, moneytalk is no fun: let's talk about the flowers."  Or whatever.  Do it every time.  She'll get the hint.

It seems like you're not really all that willing to make the same effort for her she must've made for you and that you're a lot more interested in judging her choices.  I think you'll be a happier bridesmaid and she'll be a happier bride if you are a little more honest and a little less interested in pointing out her alleged rudeness.

I have to agree with all of this.

Me, too.

I agree to, especially with the last paragraph.

Yes, people's circumstances change, and no - things don't have to be 100% equal all the time. But I do feel there has to be some effort at reciprocity. Which is why (and many other posters) are encouraging you not to dismiss getting ready with your sister because it's "just too hard". Please try to thoroughly explore all possible solutions first.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: KenveeB on April 29, 2013, 10:31:57 PM
Bride and bridesmaids getting ready together for the wedding is the one absolute thing I would expect of being a bridesmaid other than "attend the wedding ceremony." Honestly, all sorts of other stuff may be different -- I've picked out my own dress or had every detail dictated, I've hosted and not hosted bridal showers and bachelorette parties, I've helped with DIY crafts or just showed up -- but the one common thing in every wedding I've ever been part of is that the bridal party gets ready together. I'd never call a bride even a little rude for expecting that, and I'd go through a lot more inconvenience than figuring out an alternate ride in order to do so.

I don't see why it would be such a bad thing for your dad to pick you up. For one thing, the father of the bride isn't involved in "the girls getting ready," so he wouldn't be missing anything if he wasn't there. For another, he'd be bringing you for that part, so he wouldn't be missing it, he'd be arriving just in time. But there are other options too, if you can't get a ride there and have to drive yourself. If your house is only 15 minutes from the church, why can't someone else swing by to pick up DH and the boys on the way to the wedding? I'm sure out of all your relatives who are attending, someone can manage to pick them up. Even if it has to be your car for car seat reasons, couldn't you leave a little earlier than the other bridesmaids to pick them up? Or someone else leaving from the bride's house (MIL, FIL, one of the other bridesmaids' husbands/SOs?) could drive your car to pick them up, then you and your DH take it home. It seems like a pretty easy problem to work out.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Sharnita on April 30, 2013, 06:03:11 AM
I have to say that I don't really see getting ready together as being the same as everyone spending $150 the morning of on hair and makeup.  For example, in the weddings I've been in even after hair was done we didn't get into dresses until we were at the church because 1 hour in the car would make the dresses look - not great.  SO it would be possible to have hair done on your own but still "get ready together". 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: CakeEater on April 30, 2013, 06:08:19 AM
If the OP is in Australia, I can just say that I've never seen or heard of a wedding party getting dressed at the church. The bride and bridesmaids traditionally arrive all dressed in cars and are photographed getting out of the cars, walk straight into the church and up the aisle.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: *inviteseller on April 30, 2013, 06:58:38 AM
I don't think OP should have to make all the concessions on getting ready.  She has 3 small kids, one still BF'ing, and has one car that if she takes it, leaves husband high and dry if there is an emergency.  When you ask people to be in the wedding party, you have to to into account they have lives too and it is not going to revolve around the wedding 24/7.  I was in 2 weddings and was able to get ready with both parties to different degrees, but not all members were with us and we just met at the church.  It worked out just fine.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: AnnaJ on April 30, 2013, 08:51:35 AM


Yes, people's circumstances change, and no - things don't have to be 100% equal all the time. But I do feel there has to be some effort at reciprocity. Which is why (and many other posters) are encouraging you not to dismiss getting ready with your sister because it's "just too hard". Please try to thoroughly explore all possible solutions first.
[/quote]

I agree, especially with the bolded.  It is one day, not an ongoing obligation, and I think that if the OP's sister wants her there it is not unreasonable to make some minor adjustments to make it work.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Sharnita on April 30, 2013, 09:25:06 AM
When it comes with a $150 price tag it doesn't sound sll that minor.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: AnnaJ on April 30, 2013, 09:36:09 AM
When it comes with a $150 price tag it doesn't sound sll that minor.

I didn't get the impression from the OP that money was the problem - she said she'd be happy to get her hair and makeup done elsewhere - the issue seems to be the inconvenience of going to the house and getting ready.  If the question is money then I think the OP can certainly negotiate with her sister, but for the rest I really don't think it's a lot to ask as a one time event.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Cami on April 30, 2013, 10:58:54 AM
I was a very easy-going bride and yet if my sister told me it was too much trouble for her to come to the house to get ready with the rest of us on my wedding day, I would have probably gotten quite upset. Really, that is a baseline expectation for a bridal party member. I think it's on the bridesmaid to make it happen.

Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: *inviteseller on April 30, 2013, 01:10:07 PM
I think the sister who is getting married should understand that the Op lives close to the church, has one car she would have to take away from husband and kids, drive almost an hour to get hair done, then drive an hour back to pick up husband and kids (and possibly have to feed the one still bf'ing) and go to the church.  Yes, it would be nice to have her sister to get ready with, but sometimes life isn't fair.  My sister's niece in law (17) lived 1 1/2 hrs away and was coming with her mother and my sister's MIL, who was in the early stages of alzheimers.  My sister did not demand she come down early to get ready because extenuating circumstances prevented it and she was just happy when we all met at the church.  We get ideas in our heads of how are wedding day is going to be and if we stress over something this minor (it really is) and decide that someone mustn't love us or support us because they cannot rearrange their lives for a hair appointment, then you (general) aren't focusing on the real happening of the day which is your are marrying the person you love.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: lowspark on April 30, 2013, 02:05:10 PM
The OP said nothing about her sister "demanding" she come.
From the OP:
She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready

The idea I get from the OP is that going to the sister's house to get ready with everyone is inconvenient but not impossible. And to me, inconveniencing yourself for your sister's wedding is not out of the ordinary. It's one day, a once in a lifetime event, and it will (presumably) mean a lot to the bride. If it's impossible, then that's one thing. But if it takes some extra effort, is that really too much to ask? Enough to get you labeled a bridezilla? Not in my opinion, anyway.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Sophia on April 30, 2013, 02:19:34 PM
Quote
She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready. Including paying $150ish for hair and make up.

This part jumped out at me.  It sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.  Paying $150 each for hair and makeup at your parent's house?  That is a lot of money for a style and makeup.  Also, only one person at a time gets taken care of.  Unlike a salon where it might all happen at once.  I would expect you would pay $150 to sit around and watch the bride get hair and makeup, and then everyone else gets slapped together. 

Don't get me wrong, I think it is reasonable to ask the BM's to come over.  In general.  But, between your 3 kids and the $150, I don't think it is reasonable anymore. 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: guihong on April 30, 2013, 02:24:54 PM
Quote
She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready. Including paying $150ish for hair and make up.

This part jumped out at me.  It sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.  Paying $150 each for hair and makeup at your parent's house?  That is a lot of money for a style and makeup.  Also, only one person at a time gets taken care of.  Unlike a salon where it might all happen at once.  I would expect you would pay $150 to sit around and watch the bride get hair and makeup, and then everyone else gets slapped together. 

Don't get me wrong, I think it is reasonable to ask the BM's to come over.  In general.  But, between your 3 kids and the $150, I don't think it is reasonable anymore.

Sophia is right, and I didn't see that part before.  $150 is a lot of money for hair and makeup (My MOH did my makeup and my hair was $45ish including highlights earlier in the week).  There is also a lot of downtime at the house.  While I get that meeting up to get ready is fun, realistically it doesn't seem to be that workable and the whole day for the bride is a blur anyway.  Could you offer a compromise, like a spa package before the wedding, just the two of you?
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Quiltin Nana on April 30, 2013, 02:29:24 PM
1.  Years and years ago, I was a MOH for a bride where her sister-in-law to be, held a Tupperware party as a shower event.  When we arrive, we were told to put money in a bowl that was passed around.  This was to be given to the bride to choose what products she wanted.  We also were expected to have brought a gift with us.  (The sales party was not mentioned on the invite, I don't think.)  We were also expected to buy stuff for ourselves and the SIL-to-be received hostess credits for the entire show value.  I thought this was very tacky back in 1979 and I still think it is tacky.

2.  My bridesmaids met me at the church an hour or so before the ceremony for pictures.  When my daughter got married 10 years ago, her bridesmaids met at the church in the same manner.  In the morning we had met at a local salon for hair, but 1 bridesmaid lived further away and took a picture of the style my daughter wanted to a salon of her choice.  After hair was done, each bridesmaid went to their own home to finish getting ready and all joined back up at the church for pictures and to help the bride finish getting ready.  I guess I don't understand the need for everyone to be together all morning long.  This seems to be part of the new idea that the bride needs to be the center of everyone's world for "her" day. 

3.  I would just go to whatever part of the evening I wanted and not the others.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: WillyNilly on April 30, 2013, 02:32:13 PM
Quote
She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready. Including paying $150ish for hair and make up.

This part jumped out at me.  It sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.  Paying $150 each for hair and makeup at your parent's house?  That is a lot of money for a style and makeup.  Also, only one person at a time gets taken care of.  Unlike a salon where it might all happen at once.  I would expect you would pay $150 to sit around and watch the bride get hair and makeup, and then everyone else gets slapped together. 

Don't get me wrong, I think it is reasonable to ask the BM's to come over.  In general.  But, between your 3 kids and the $150, I don't think it is reasonable anymore.

Sophia is right, and I didn't see that part before.  $150 is a lot of money for hair and makeup (My MOH did my makeup and my hair was $45ish including highlights earlier in the week).  There is also a lot of downtime at the house.  While I get that meeting up to get ready is fun, realistically it doesn't seem to be that workable and the whole day for the bride is a blur anyway.  Could you offer a compromise, like a spa package before the wedding, just the two of you?

I think if anyone is going to stick on the $150 price tag they need to use the full quote, which included:

I am happy to pay for hair and makeup somewhere close to home if she send me a style.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Sharnita on April 30, 2013, 02:38:28 PM
I am unclear if having hair and makeup done close to home would add up to $150, though. Maybe part of the reason she would be willing to pay for ot close to home os because it is more afforfable there.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: WillyNilly on April 30, 2013, 02:42:56 PM
I am unclear if having hair and makeup done close to home would add up to $150, though. Maybe part of the reason she would be willing to pay for ot close to home os because it is more afforfable there.

The point is, at no point did our OP say the $150 was a problem, she only presented going to the family house to get ready as a problem and even specifically told us she doesn't mind paying for the services.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Sharnita on April 30, 2013, 02:46:34 PM
I guess that including the cost seems to indicate it mignt be problematic on some level.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: NyaChan on April 30, 2013, 02:47:30 PM
I am unclear if having hair and makeup done close to home would add up to $150, though. Maybe part of the reason she would be willing to pay for ot close to home os because it is more afforfable there.

The point is, at no point did our OP say the $150 was a problem, she only presented going to the family house to get ready as a problem and even specifically told us she doesn't mind paying for the services.

She also never said that she'd asked to do her own makeup to avoid the $150 and was told that wasn't okay.  So really, there isn't any reason to think it is a deal breaking problem for either party.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Surianne on April 30, 2013, 03:09:26 PM
The $150 sounds like a lot to me but I think the important factor is probably having the OP with her.  So I don't think the sister is rude for requesting she come for the day.  The sister has even worked out a plan -- their father will come pick her up.  If the OP isn't comfortable with the $150 price tag (I wouldn't be either), I think requesting that she do her own hair and makeup would be reasonable.  But she should try to make it for the getting ready portion, if at all possible.

Similarly the other issues I don't see as rude, particularly since the sister has made it clear that the bachelorette party is divided into three parts so that people can choose what they're comfortable with.  If pole dancing is something that makes you extremely uncomfortable to the point that you can't even watch it, I'd say go to the dinner and go out clubbing for an hour or so.  There's no reason you have to drink or stay out late -- dancing is just as fun sober, and you can buy your sister a drink before you head home to bed.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: TootsNYC on April 30, 2013, 03:14:47 PM
Also, couldn't your MIL stop by to help your husband with the children in getting ready the morning of?  She's going to the same place anyways and taking them home with her.

For that matter, couldn't your MIL drive your DH and kids to the event? She was going to take them home, yes? How was she going to get there, if not by car?

I think if you decide you want to be there, you can find a way. You just don't want to right now.

As for the $150 to get your hair done--if this is a hardship, I'd say so to your sister. It's really not appropriate for her to *require* you to pay for the services of a hair & makeup pro. If she's going to insist, she should pay. Wedding magazines say so.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: CakeEater on April 30, 2013, 03:30:22 PM
$150 for both a formal hairstyle and makeup, especially if the stylist is making a housecall to do it, is very reasonable in Australia. It's still a lot of money to pay, but not a lot to charge.

The other thing is, that part of the photographer's package is often that they come to the bride's 'getting ready place' and take photos of the dress before it goes on, bridesmaids putting the veil on, girls together, getting into the wedding cars etc.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Calistoga on April 30, 2013, 03:34:54 PM
I thought the hang up was driving to sisters home, which is pretty far from OP's home, just to turn around and drive back to the church which is 15 minutes from OP's home. So basically OP would be making a 2 hour round trip for her hair and makeup instead of getting it done close to home which would save her time.

But sister isn't rude to ask- it's fairly common for everyone to get dolled up together, and in this case sisters house is close by for the rest of the party. While I don't think it would be rude to opt out of that part of the festivities, I'd be a bit sad if my sister missed the pre-wedding preening. Depending on the wait time between the preening and the wedding, it might be a time where the bride is super jittery and needs all the support she can get.

Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Hmmmmm on April 30, 2013, 03:43:30 PM
$150 for both a formal hairstyle and makeup, especially if the stylist is making a housecall to do it, is very reasonable in Australia. It's still a lot of money to pay, but not a lot to charge.

The other thing is, that part of the photographer's package is often that they come to the bride's 'getting ready place' and take photos of the dress before it goes on, bridesmaids putting the veil on, girls together, getting into the wedding cars etc.

I was checking on prices of onsite hair and makeup in our US city recently.  They averaged around $60 for bridesmaid hairstyling and $70 for makeup. With tip for both stylist, I can easily see it coming to $150.

In my limited experience, the bride either notifies the BM's early in the planning that she wants professional hair and makeup so the BM's can budget or she pays for it her self. If this is a last minute decision, I think it is fair to opt out.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: WillyNilly on April 30, 2013, 04:00:21 PM
$150 for both a formal hairstyle and makeup, especially if the stylist is making a housecall to do it, is very reasonable in Australia. It's still a lot of money to pay, but not a lot to charge.

The other thing is, that part of the photographer's package is often that they come to the bride's 'getting ready place' and take photos of the dress before it goes on, bridesmaids putting the veil on, girls together, getting into the wedding cars etc.

I was checking on prices of onsite hair and makeup in our US city recently.  They averaged around $60 for bridesmaid hairstyling and $70 for makeup. With tip for both stylist, I can easily see it coming to $150.

In my limited experience, the bride either notifies the BM's early in the planning that she wants professional hair and makeup so the BM's can budget or she pays for it her self. If this is a last minute decision, I think it is fair to opt out.

On page 3, the OP tells us this will all be happening in August, so 3+ months from now.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: citadelle on April 30, 2013, 06:41:02 PM
This may not work with your kids, but could the bridal party get ready at your place, OP?
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Sharnita on April 30, 2013, 07:00:33 PM
This may not work with your kids, but could the bridal party get ready at your place, OP?
 

15 minutes from the church would be nice for the WP.  Dresses would be fresher.  Not sure if it would work but I wondering too.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: katycoo on April 30, 2013, 07:30:43 PM
I am unclear if having hair and makeup done close to home would add up to $150, though. Maybe part of the reason she would be willing to pay for ot close to home os because it is more afforfable there.

In Australia, yes.  That sounds very normal to me.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: camlan on April 30, 2013, 07:39:13 PM
The way I'm reading this, the bride-to-be asked her sister to come to her house the morning of the wedding *and* planned ahead by requesting that their father pick up the OP and do the driving, leaving the OP's DH to follow later in their car with the children. I get the feeling the OP doesn't approve of having her father do the driving, but that's not the point.

Seems to me that the bride did take into consideration the distance and the fact the OP's family has only one car. I don't think we should consider her inconsiderate for that.

Whether the OP wants to give up a large part of the day to getting her hair done and watching the other bridal party members get their hair done is another issue, as is the cost. The BFing baby is probably the biggest issue, and is, to me, a reasonable excuse for not spending the morning at the bride's house.

But I don't think we should consider the bride rude or inconsiderate or unfeeling for wanting her big sister around while she's getting ready for her wedding day, or for making plans to have their father drive said big sister to her house.

(And if it were my father, he'd have been happy to escape the madness for a couple of hours, and delighted to have an hour to talk to his daughter all alone in the car without distractions. But fathers, as with everything else, may vary.)
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Addy on April 30, 2013, 08:18:19 PM
Won't the breastfeeding baby be almost 2 by this time? OP, how often does the baby nurse? When mine were that age, they only nursed morning and night. Could the baby be away from you for the morning?
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: LifeOnPluto on April 30, 2013, 10:31:48 PM
Won't the breastfeeding baby be almost 2 by this time? OP, how often does the baby nurse? When mine were that age, they only nursed morning and night. Could the baby be away from you for the morning?

This was going to be my question too. Will the breastfeeding two-year-old be ok going a few hours without your milk?

If not, could you take the bf-ing baby with you to your sister's house, and leave your older two children with your husband?

And I also agree that in Australia, $150 for hair and make-up before a wedding is a very reasonable price.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: StarFaerie on May 01, 2013, 02:40:04 AM
I thought the hang up was driving to sisters home, which is pretty far from OP's home, just to turn around and drive back to the church which is 15 minutes from OP's home. So basically OP would be making a 2 hour round trip for her hair and makeup instead of getting it done close to home which would save her time.

But sister isn't rude to ask- it's fairly common for everyone to get dolled up together, and in this case sisters house is close by for the rest of the party. While I don't think it would be rude to opt out of that part of the festivities, I'd be a bit sad if my sister missed the pre-wedding preening. Depending on the wait time between the preening and the wedding, it might be a time where the bride is super jittery and needs all the support she can get.

The thing I don't get though is that the OP is going to have to go to her sister's house anyway to get in the wedding cars to take her to the church, so the driving there will have to be done at some time. In Australia, the bridal party travel together to the church generally as there is nowhere in the church for them to meet up before going down the aisle. They get out of the cars, line up and start the processional. Unless she is expecting the wedding cars to detour to pick her up.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: kudeebee on May 01, 2013, 10:39:46 PM
I thought the hang up was driving to sisters home, which is pretty far from OP's home, just to turn around and drive back to the church which is 15 minutes from OP's home. So basically OP would be making a 2 hour round trip for her hair and makeup instead of getting it done close to home which would save her time.

But sister isn't rude to ask- it's fairly common for everyone to get dolled up together, and in this case sisters house is close by for the rest of the party. While I don't think it would be rude to opt out of that part of the festivities, I'd be a bit sad if my sister missed the pre-wedding preening. Depending on the wait time between the preening and the wedding, it might be a time where the bride is super jittery and needs all the support she can get.

The thing I don't get though is that the OP is going to have to go to her sister's house anyway to get in the wedding cars to take her to the church, so the driving there will have to be done at some time. In Australia, the bridal party travel together to the church generally as there is nowhere in the church for them to meet up before going down the aisle. They get out of the cars, line up and start the processional. Unless she is expecting the wedding cars to detour to pick her up.

Can't she meet them at the church, out in front?  Seems silly to drive all the way to her parent's house simply to ride almost all the way back.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: TootsNYC on May 01, 2013, 10:51:29 PM
Yeah, I don't think there's any actual requirement to ride in the limo. It's just there because it's easier, that's all. It's not some wedding ritual.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: StarFaerie on May 02, 2013, 03:09:07 AM
Yeah, I don't think there's any actual requirement to ride in the limo. It's just there because it's easier, that's all. It's not some wedding ritual.

It pretty much is in Australia. Normally photos are taken of each bridemaid and then the bride exiting the wedding cars. The cars are specially chosen and hired and are often not a single limo, but rolls royces and the like.

One of my bridesmaids was dropped off at my house just for the ride to the wedding in the wedding car. It was my little sister and Dad drove from the hotel near the church, to my house to drop her off, then back to the church with the remainder of the family. There was never any question of doing it another way as she wasn't getting ready with me and the MOH. I think everyone would have found it very odd for her to make her own way there.

I thought the hang up was driving to sisters home, which is pretty far from OP's home, just to turn around and drive back to the church which is 15 minutes from OP's home. So basically OP would be making a 2 hour round trip for her hair and makeup instead of getting it done close to home which would save her time.

But sister isn't rude to ask- it's fairly common for everyone to get dolled up together, and in this case sisters house is close by for the rest of the party. While I don't think it would be rude to opt out of that part of the festivities, I'd be a bit sad if my sister missed the pre-wedding preening. Depending on the wait time between the preening and the wedding, it might be a time where the bride is super jittery and needs all the support she can get.

The thing I don't get though is that the OP is going to have to go to her sister's house anyway to get in the wedding cars to take her to the church, so the driving there will have to be done at some time. In Australia, the bridal party travel together to the church generally as there is nowhere in the church for them to meet up before going down the aisle. They get out of the cars, line up and start the processional. Unless she is expecting the wedding cars to detour to pick her up.

Can't she meet them at the church, out in front?  Seems silly to drive all the way to her parent's house simply to ride almost all the way back.

What is she going to do at the church though? Wait around in the parking lot and then jump in the car for her photo? I would find that a bit weird to see a bridemaid just standing around waiting for the bride to turn up. And what if it's raining?
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: lowspark on May 02, 2013, 08:32:20 AM
It seems to me that if the only issue was riding in the limo with the rest of the bridal party, the logistics of that could probably be worked out. Maybe she could wait in her car with her family a few blocks from the church and meet up with the limo so that she would be in the car as it actually drove up to the church. Or whatever.

But the OP didn't even really mention that as being one of the issues. It was more about how to get to the sister's house for the make up & hair session with only one car available to the OP and her husband and three kids.

I'd still like to know if the MIL can help out since she's taking the kids home directly after the ceremony anyway. It seems like MIL is somehow equipped to transport the kids so getting them (and OP's husband) to the ceremony in addition to taking them away from the ceremony shouldn't be all that much of a stretch.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: cutejellybeen on May 02, 2013, 02:52:46 PM
OP, I can only speak to the getting ready with the bride part. Your sister did this for you, and while i know her responsibilities werent the same then as yours are now,I dont see this as unreasonable. Im betting she has fond memories of getting ready with you and your other sister on her wedding day and wants to have some of that for herself.

I'd have been very hurt if my bridesmaids told me they wanted to get ready at their places.  The getting ready part was really important to me, as it was a bonding experience and a last girly morning before I was married. My best friends, my mom and my Hubbys sister were all there to help me and to share with me. now my SIL was a bit of a pill, but it was the bringing of families together.

a few months later when my MOH got married she wanted all six girls (bms and bride) to spend the night together and then the morning of. this was not idea for me, as I dont sleep well on floors or air mattresses, but because its what she wanted we all did it. we rented a honeymoon room at a local hotel, and split the cost 5 ways. the bride wanted it, but it was our job as bridesmaids to give it to her.

As far as cost for Hair and Make up, we were all told the price in advance. we knew what we were getting into financially for the bride, and we all had the option to opt out from the get go.

OP please consider doing this for your sister, I know it wont be easy for you, but it would be a kindness to her. As far as your dad getting ready with her, I didnt see my Dad until it was time for photos before the wedding. He got ready at his house, I got ready at Moms.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: sparksals on May 02, 2013, 02:59:48 PM
OP, I can only speak to the getting ready with the bride part. Your sister did this for you, and while i know her responsibilities werent the same then as yours are now,I dont see this as unreasonable. Im betting she has fond memories of getting ready with you and your other sister on her wedding day and wants to have some of that for herself.

I'd have been very hurt if my bridesmaids told me they wanted to get ready at their places.  The getting ready part was really important to me, as it was a bonding experience and a last girly morning before I was married. My best friends, my mom and my Hubbys sister were all there to help me and to share with me. now my SIL was a bit of a pill, but it was the bringing of families together.

a few months later when my MOH got married she wanted all six girls (bms and bride) to spend the night together and then the morning of. this was not idea for me, as I dont sleep well on floors or air mattresses, but because its what she wanted we all did it. we rented a honeymoon room at a local hotel, and split the cost 5 ways. the bride wanted it, but it was our job as bridesmaids to give it to her.

As far as cost for Hair and Make up, we were all told the price in advance. we knew what we were getting into financially for the bride, and we all had the option to opt out from the get go.

OP please consider doing this for your sister, I know it wont be easy for you, but it would be a kindness to her. As far as your dad getting ready with her, I didnt see my Dad until it was time for photos before the wedding. He got ready at his house, I got ready at Moms.


I think the bolded are the most important points.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: *inviteseller on May 02, 2013, 03:22:30 PM
OP, I can only speak to the getting ready with the bride part. Your sister did this for you, and while i know her responsibilities werent the same then as yours are now,I dont see this as unreasonable. Im betting she has fond memories of getting ready with you and your other sister on her wedding day and wants to have some of that for herself.

I'd have been very hurt if my bridesmaids told me they wanted to get ready at their places.  The getting ready part was really important to me, as it was a bonding experience and a last girly morning before I was married. My best friends, my mom and my Hubbys sister were all there to help me and to share with me. now my SIL was a bit of a pill, but it was the bringing of families together.

a few months later when my MOH got married she wanted all six girls (bms and bride) to spend the night together and then the morning of. this was not idea for me, as I dont sleep well on floors or air mattresses, but because its what she wanted we all did it. we rented a honeymoon room at a local hotel, and split the cost 5 ways. the bride wanted it, but it was our job as bridesmaids to give it to her.

As far as cost for Hair and Make up, we were all told the price in advance. we knew what we were getting into financially for the bride, and we all had the option to opt out from the get go.

OP please consider doing this for your sister, I know it wont be easy for you, but it would be a kindness to her. As far as your dad getting ready with her, I didnt see my Dad until it was time for photos before the wedding. He got ready at his house, I got ready at Moms.

Just because a bride wants something, it is not the job of the bridesmaids to make her every wish and dream come true.  The bride has to have realistic expectations when inviting people to be a part of the wedding party that they may not have the exorbitant amounts of cash to throw the bridal shower/bacherlorette  party the bride wants, they may live too far away to constantly be waiting on the bride leading up to the wedding, they may have partners and kids whose comfort and well being come before the brides needs and expectations.  You give as much as you can (make sure you get you dress and shoes in a timely manner, keep all appointments you agree to, help the bride to what level you can), but the bride cannot demand (and I don't care if it is a relative, your best friend, or whatever) that you give up your life (and money) to cater to her wishes.  I was in 2 weddings that both brides understood that we all had jobs, families, limited funds) and while we all worked together to make sure we had everything done that we needed to do and everyone was happy.  The bridesmaids did not feel like indentured servants, the bride enjoyed a great relationship with no drama with the wedding party.  The 3rd wedding I was asked to be in ruined a friendship because demands were made that I, living 5 hours away, could not keep up with. 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Surianne on May 02, 2013, 05:58:44 PM
Inviteseller, all the bride is asking for is that the OP be there to get ready with her a few hours in advance.  The bride has even worked out transportation.  I really don't think that's giving up the OP's  life to cater to the bride's wishes.  I agree the $150 is a lot, but we don't even know if the bride has demanded it -- it's very possible that if the OP says "I can't swing $150, may I join you and do my own hair and makeup?" her sister would be 100% fine with it.  It really sounds like having the OP there is the most important part to her.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: TootsNYC on May 02, 2013, 06:30:01 PM
the bride wanted it, but it was our job as bridesmaids to give it to her.


I don't agree with this word. I think "gift" is a better word. And if I were close enough to someone to be in their wedding party, I would absolutely want to give that gift to someone. I'd consider it a bit of an honor to give them that gift.

However,  also suspect that cutejellybean means "job" as in "obligation assigned by the universe, to create as many wonderful memories and fulfill as many wishes for the bride as we can." (meaning of "can" = "are able to")
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: MummyPumpkin83 on May 02, 2013, 08:11:46 PM
So the plan as I have been told is that my dad will leave to pick me up while my sister and the other 4 bridesmaids are having their turn at getting hair and makeup done. I will be last on the list. So I guess it will be turn up, get my hair and make up done, then we'll all put our dresses on (or they may already have their dresses on). Have some photos, get in the cars and go.

The issue with my MIL taking DH and kids to the church is that our car would then be at my parents house (assuming my parents go in the bridal party transport which they did for my wedding) and we would have to go back there at some point to collect it before we could get home.

I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: delabela on May 02, 2013, 08:22:42 PM
I applaud you for making the accommodations to be there on the wedding morning.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: MummyPumpkin83 on May 02, 2013, 10:41:16 PM
Also re: nursing baby
yes he will be 23 months. So not nursing often.
I work part-time and he is fine at daycare, just morning and night feeds. When I am home he feeds more often.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: kareng57 on May 02, 2013, 11:13:08 PM
Overall, I don't like the idea of requiring bridesmaids to pay for hair/makeup out of their own pockets.  I did get my hair done when I was my sister's MOH, but that was my own choice.

But if your sister did it for your wedding (and you required it), I think you're pretty much stuck with it.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: cutejellybeen on May 03, 2013, 05:17:54 AM
the bride wanted it, but it was our job as bridesmaids to give it to her.


I don't agree with this word. I think "gift" is a better word. And if I were close enough to someone to be in their wedding party, I would absolutely want to give that gift to someone. I'd consider it a bit of an honor to give them that gift.

However,  also suspect that cutejellybean means "job" as in "obligation assigned by the universe, to create as many wonderful memories and fulfill as many wishes for the bride as we can." (meaning of "can" = "are able to")

Toots thats exactly how I meant it, just worded it poorly.  I guess my thought process was that she had gone above and beyond for me -without being asked, that even though it was inconvenient for me - it was something kind I could do for my best friend.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Hollanda on May 03, 2013, 07:06:38 AM
I hate sales parties. Someone aways gets bamboozled into spending too much money on something unnecessary. I'd simply make excuses and not go.

Re hair and makeup.  The only expense my bridesmaids made was hair and makeup and shoes.  The only stipulation was that shoes should be silver. My folks paid for the rest, dresses, fittings etc. They came with me to the salon.  Only one bridesmaid kvetched about paying for their own hair.  Id just try to find some way around it but it sounds tricky with three kiddywinks to get ready as well. If there really is no way around it then it will have to be done nearer home.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Lynn2000 on May 03, 2013, 09:29:12 AM
I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.

I'll take a crack at the invitation...

"Amy and Betty are pleased to host a kitchen tea for Cathy in honor of her upcoming marriage. At the bride's request, the kitchen tea will be combined with a Tupperware party, with Sally the Saleswoman available to take orders from guests for both personal use and as gifts for Cathy. Cathy looks forward to setting up her kitchen with Tupperware! If you have any questions, please contact Amy or Betty at..."

Okay, not perfect. But, I think it does several things.
1) Points out that the bride wanted the Tupperware party--in case someone thinks the hostesses are exploiting her kitchen tea or something. And that yeah, she apparently really likes Tupperware.
2) Makes it clear that this is a Tupperware sales party. Whether it's tacky to combine the events or not, at least people are aware of what they're getting into.
3) Suggests that guests can buy gifts on the spot for Cathy. Which hopefully implies they don't need to bring an additional gift. Don't give out other registry information with the invitation.

It might be good to work in that Cathy (or whoever) gets a portion of the proceeds from sales. And, if cash on the spot is required (i.e., Sally the Saleswoman doesn't take checks or credit cards), that might be good to mention for logistical reasons.

I do think showers/kitchen teas/etc. are more "gift grabby" by nature--it's generally expected everyone will bring a gift, so in a case like this it might be better to face that head-on and at least be honest about what guests will encounter.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: sparksals on May 03, 2013, 03:44:30 PM
OP, I can only speak to the getting ready with the bride part. Your sister did this for you, and while i know her responsibilities werent the same then as yours are now,I dont see this as unreasonable. Im betting she has fond memories of getting ready with you and your other sister on her wedding day and wants to have some of that for herself.

I'd have been very hurt if my bridesmaids told me they wanted to get ready at their places.  The getting ready part was really important to me, as it was a bonding experience and a last girly morning before I was married. My best friends, my mom and my Hubbys sister were all there to help me and to share with me. now my SIL was a bit of a pill, but it was the bringing of families together.

a few months later when my MOH got married she wanted all six girls (bms and bride) to spend the night together and then the morning of. this was not idea for me, as I dont sleep well on floors or air mattresses, but because its what she wanted we all did it. we rented a honeymoon room at a local hotel, and split the cost 5 ways. the bride wanted it, but it was our job as bridesmaids to give it to her.

As far as cost for Hair and Make up, we were all told the price in advance. we knew what we were getting into financially for the bride, and we all had the option to opt out from the get go.

OP please consider doing this for your sister, I know it wont be easy for you, but it would be a kindness to her. As far as your dad getting ready with her, I didnt see my Dad until it was time for photos before the wedding. He got ready at his house, I got ready at Moms.

Just because a bride wants something, it is not the job of the bridesmaids to make her every wish and dream come true.  The bride has to have realistic expectations when inviting people to be a part of the wedding party that they may not have the exorbitant amounts of cash to throw the bridal shower/bacherlorette  party the bride wants, they may live too far away to constantly be waiting on the bride leading up to the wedding, they may have partners and kids whose comfort and well being come before the brides needs and expectations.  You give as much as you can (make sure you get you dress and shoes in a timely manner, keep all appointments you agree to, help the bride to what level you can), but the bride cannot demand (and I don't care if it is a relative, your best friend, or whatever) that you give up your life (and money) to cater to her wishes.  I was in 2 weddings that both brides understood that we all had jobs, families, limited funds) and while we all worked together to make sure we had everything done that we needed to do and everyone was happy.  The bridesmaids did not feel like indentured servants, the bride enjoyed a great relationship with no drama with the wedding party.  The 3rd wedding I was asked to be in ruined a friendship because demands were made that I, living 5 hours away, could not keep up with.


I would normally agree with you, but it seems that it is tradition in this family for sisters to be in the wedding party.  The now bride was in the OP's WP as well as the other sister's.  There is a level of reciprocity with something like this.  The bride is not asking for anything  outrageous. 


I have to wonder, did the OP have all her BMs getting ready with her and did the other sister who got married have the same thing and did the OP get ready with the other sister when she got married?  If so, it is reasonable that the bride would expect the same from her sister.  Her sister. 


I think the OP is being unkind in making her sister out to be wedding rude when she is not.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: sparksals on May 03, 2013, 03:47:30 PM
So the plan as I have been told is that my dad will leave to pick me up while my sister and the other 4 bridesmaids are having their turn at getting hair and makeup done. I will be last on the list. So I guess it will be turn up, get my hair and make up done, then we'll all put our dresses on (or they may already have their dresses on). Have some photos, get in the cars and go.

The issue with my MIL taking DH and kids to the church is that our car would then be at my parents house (assuming my parents go in the bridal party transport which they did for my wedding) and we would have to go back there at some point to collect it before we could get home.

I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.


This is a minor logistic.  I'm sure if you discuss with your family, you can all come up with something so that the car is at the wedding venue after the wedding is over.  Is it really such a hardship for you to travel home with your parents to get your car and then go home after the wedding? 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Seven Ate Nine on May 03, 2013, 04:11:32 PM
So the plan as I have been told is that my dad will leave to pick me up while my sister and the other 4 bridesmaids are having their turn at getting hair and makeup done. I will be last on the list. So I guess it will be turn up, get my hair and make up done, then we'll all put our dresses on (or they may already have their dresses on). Have some photos, get in the cars and go.

The issue with my MIL taking DH and kids to the church is that our car would then be at my parents house (assuming my parents go in the bridal party transport which they did for my wedding) and we would have to go back there at some point to collect it before we could get home.

I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.


This is a minor logistic.  I'm sure if you discuss with your family, you can all come up with something so that the car is at the wedding venue after the wedding is over.  Is it really such a hardship for you to travel home with your parents to get your car and then go home after the wedding?

40 minutes each way is not a short drive, especially after an entire day of wedding affairs.  I live about an hour from where my sister got married, and I did some really convoluted car switching so that DH could drive me home (ie, we didn't have two cars at the reception site).  We left "early" (after 10pm, with the HC's blessing) due to having a long drive home, and I was completely exhausted.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: MummyPumpkin83 on May 03, 2013, 04:25:44 PM
So the plan as I have been told is that my dad will leave to pick me up while my sister and the other 4 bridesmaids are having their turn at getting hair and makeup done. I will be last on the list. So I guess it will be turn up, get my hair and make up done, then we'll all put our dresses on (or they may already have their dresses on). Have some photos, get in the cars and go.

The issue with my MIL taking DH and kids to the church is that our car would then be at my parents house (assuming my parents go in the bridal party transport which they did for my wedding) and we would have to go back there at some point to collect it before we could get home.

I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.


This is a minor logistic.  I'm sure if you discuss with your family, you can all come up with something so that the car is at the wedding venue after the wedding is over.  Is it really such a hardship for you to travel home with your parents to get your car and then go home after the wedding?

40 minutes each way is not a short drive, especially after an entire day of wedding affairs.  I live about an hour from where my sister got married, and I did some really convoluted car switching so that DH could drive me home (ie, we didn't have two cars at the reception site).  We left "early" (after 10pm, with the HC's blessing) due to having a long drive home, and I was completely exhausted.

It would be an almost 2 hour round trip from the reception venue back to my parents, then back to our house. We would also need to pick up our boys, or at least the baby, from MIL.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: MummyPumpkin83 on May 03, 2013, 04:33:07 PM
OP, I can only speak to the getting ready with the bride part. Your sister did this for you, and while i know her responsibilities werent the same then as yours are now,I dont see this as unreasonable. Im betting she has fond memories of getting ready with you and your other sister on her wedding day and wants to have some of that for herself.

I'd have been very hurt if my bridesmaids told me they wanted to get ready at their places.  The getting ready part was really important to me, as it was a bonding experience and a last girly morning before I was married. My best friends, my mom and my Hubbys sister were all there to help me and to share with me. now my SIL was a bit of a pill, but it was the bringing of families together.

a few months later when my MOH got married she wanted all six girls (bms and bride) to spend the night together and then the morning of. this was not idea for me, as I dont sleep well on floors or air mattresses, but because its what she wanted we all did it. we rented a honeymoon room at a local hotel, and split the cost 5 ways. the bride wanted it, but it was our job as bridesmaids to give it to her.

As far as cost for Hair and Make up, we were all told the price in advance. we knew what we were getting into financially for the bride, and we all had the option to opt out from the get go.

OP please consider doing this for your sister, I know it wont be easy for you, but it would be a kindness to her. As far as your dad getting ready with her, I didnt see my Dad until it was time for photos before the wedding. He got ready at his house, I got ready at Moms.

Just because a bride wants something, it is not the job of the bridesmaids to make her every wish and dream come true.  The bride has to have realistic expectations when inviting people to be a part of the wedding party that they may not have the exorbitant amounts of cash to throw the bridal shower/bacherlorette  party the bride wants, they may live too far away to constantly be waiting on the bride leading up to the wedding, they may have partners and kids whose comfort and well being come before the brides needs and expectations.  You give as much as you can (make sure you get you dress and shoes in a timely manner, keep all appointments you agree to, help the bride to what level you can), but the bride cannot demand (and I don't care if it is a relative, your best friend, or whatever) that you give up your life (and money) to cater to her wishes.  I was in 2 weddings that both brides understood that we all had jobs, families, limited funds) and while we all worked together to make sure we had everything done that we needed to do and everyone was happy.  The bridesmaids did not feel like indentured servants, the bride enjoyed a great relationship with no drama with the wedding party.  The 3rd wedding I was asked to be in ruined a friendship because demands were made that I, living 5 hours away, could not keep up with.


I would normally agree with you, but it seems that it is tradition in this family for sisters to be in the wedding party.  The now bride was in the OP's WP as well as the other sister's.  There is a level of reciprocity with something like this.  The bride is not asking for anything  outrageous. 


I have to wonder, did the OP have all her BMs getting ready with her and did the other sister who got married have the same thing and did the OP get ready with the other sister when she got married?  If so, it is reasonable that the bride would expect the same from her sister.  Her sister. 


I think the OP is being unkind in making her sister out to be wedding rude when she is not.

Sorry for the huge quote...
Yes my sisters and I got ready together for my wedding. We were all living together with my parents and got ready at home. We had a lady come to our house to do hair and makeup and my mum paid for it.

When my other sister got married I only had one kid, so it was easier logistically. We all met at a hairdresser to get our hair done. And went back to my parents (where both sisters were living) and got ready. The other 3 bridesmaids got ready there too and one of them did my make up for me.

I'm not sure that she's being rude about getting ready together, just doesn't understand the difficulties of getting there.

I do think she is rude about the kitchen tea.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Lynn2000 on May 03, 2013, 04:54:44 PM
Well, I think the getting-ready-together thing comes down to priorities. Personally, I could see how it might be an important tradition/experience for the bride, and the logistical difficulties seem inconvenient but minor to me.

BUT, how I feel about it is not the point. If you don't want to do it, you can say to your sister, "I'm sorry, but getting ready together at your house that morning is not going to work for me. Can I just meet you at the church?" (or whatever alternate plan). This is not rude, IMO.

She might be hurt, she might understand completely, she might have another alternative in mind that you hadn't thought of; but you would not be rude to refuse her request. I don't think her request is unreasonable, but that doesn't mean you have to comply with it if you find it unreasonable for your circumstances (or for any other reason, really).
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: CakeEater on May 03, 2013, 04:56:14 PM

Sorry for the huge quote...
Yes my sisters and I got ready together for my wedding. We were all living together with my parents and got ready at home. We had a lady come to our house to do hair and makeup and my mum paid for it.

When my other sister got married I only had one kid, so it was easier logistically. We all met at a hairdresser to get our hair done. And went back to my parents (where both sisters were living) and got ready. The other 3 bridesmaids got ready there too and one of them did my make up for me.

I'm not sure that she's being rude about getting ready together, just doesn't understand the difficulties of getting there.

I do think she is rude about the kitchen tea.

I have two small children, one with special needs. I know how difficult logistics can be at times.

However, this is her wedding, and you're her bridesmaid. She's not asking for you to do a two-hour round trip to drop her off at the shops. It's to have a special time with her bridesmaids getting ready for her wedding. It's a big deal, and even if she understood the difficulties, I don't think the request that you deal with those difficulties and get there is an unreasonable one.

Heck, my DH is taking two days off work next month to look after our kids while I fly to another country for four days for my brother's short-notice wedding. I'm paying for flights and will have to get my passport renewed. So I guess I don't see a two-huor drive as such a big deal.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: sparksals on May 03, 2013, 04:58:24 PM
So the plan as I have been told is that my dad will leave to pick me up while my sister and the other 4 bridesmaids are having their turn at getting hair and makeup done. I will be last on the list. So I guess it will be turn up, get my hair and make up done, then we'll all put our dresses on (or they may already have their dresses on). Have some photos, get in the cars and go.

The issue with my MIL taking DH and kids to the church is that our car would then be at my parents house (assuming my parents go in the bridal party transport which they did for my wedding) and we would have to go back there at some point to collect it before we could get home.

I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.


This is a minor logistic.  I'm sure if you discuss with your family, you can all come up with something so that the car is at the wedding venue after the wedding is over.  Is it really such a hardship for you to travel home with your parents to get your car and then go home after the wedding?

40 minutes each way is not a short drive, especially after an entire day of wedding affairs.  I live about an hour from where my sister got married, and I did some really convoluted car switching so that DH could drive me home (ie, we didn't have two cars at the reception site).  We left "early" (after 10pm, with the HC's blessing) due to having a long drive home, and I was completely exhausted.

I don't think it is for a sister on her wedding day. 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
Post by: Iris on May 03, 2013, 07:47:38 PM
I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.

I'll take a crack at the invitation...

"Amy and Betty are pleased to host a kitchen tea for Cathy in honor of her upcoming marriage. At the bride's request, the kitchen tea will be combined with a Tupperware party, with Sally the Saleswoman available to take orders from guests for both personal use and as gifts for Cathy. Cathy looks forward to setting up her kitchen with Tupperware! If you have any questions, please contact Amy or Betty at..."

Okay, not perfect. But, I think it does several things.
1) Points out that the bride wanted the Tupperware party--in case someone thinks the hostesses are exploiting her kitchen tea or something. And that yeah, she apparently really likes Tupperware.
2) Makes it clear that this is a Tupperware sales party. Whether it's tacky to combine the events or not, at least people are aware of what they're getting into.
3) Suggests that guests can buy gifts on the spot for Cathy. Which hopefully implies they don't need to bring an additional gift. Don't give out other registry information with the invitation.

It might be good to work in that Cathy (or whoever) gets a portion of the proceeds from sales. And, if cash on the spot is required (i.e., Sally the Saleswoman doesn't take checks or credit cards), that might be good to mention for logistical reasons.

I do think showers/kitchen teas/etc. are more "gift grabby" by nature--it's generally expected everyone will bring a gift, so in a case like this it might be better to face that head-on and at least be honest about what guests will encounter.

I quite like this wording. Makes the best of a bad job, I think.

On the getting ready together thing my only issue is that I don't think it will be nice for you to be getting 'done' after everyone else is finished. That takes it away from 'let's get ready together, it will be fun!' and more towards 'I just want everyone to have the same hair' in my eyes.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations
Post by: MummyPumpkin83 on May 28, 2013, 04:54:35 AM
Definitely seems to be about all having the same hair/makeup colours rather than necessarily being together getting ready.

Shower invitations have gone out. Apparently the wording was ambiguous because guests have been asking if they have to buy a normal gft as well as Tupperware.
Bridesmaids have been requested to be there about 2 and1/2 hours early to set up, stay behind to clean up, and provide food, drink, cups, platters to serve food on, an Urn (if we have one), table cloths, etc, etc...

Wedding invitations arrived on the weekend, including the following poem (on a separate slip in the envelope):

your presence at the wedding is the greatest gift to receive,
witnessing the couple exchanging vows and state what they believe.
the tradition of the wishing well used on the wedding day,
is here both for your money gifts and for what you have to say
so please drop in a token of love for this special broom and bride
as they start their lives united by God, to live forever side by side


thoughts?
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations
Post by: iridaceae on May 28, 2013, 05:43:55 AM


thoughts?

That's really bad poetry. Vogon-level poetry.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations
Post by: StarFaerie on May 28, 2013, 06:10:18 AM


thoughts?

That's really bad poetry. Vogon-level poetry.

That made me laugh very hard. And I agree with your assessment.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations
Post by: KarenK on May 28, 2013, 08:22:36 AM


thoughts?

That's really bad poetry. Vogon-level poetry.

That made me laugh very hard. And I agree with your assessment.

I don't know. It may approach Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings-level.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations post 104
Post by: GSNW on May 28, 2013, 09:35:39 AM
Uh... are they thinking that it's OK to blatantly ask for cash gifts in their invitation if it's worded in a way that rhymes?  That made me cringe. 
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations post 104
Post by: Amava on May 28, 2013, 09:42:03 AM
Uh... are they thinking that it's OK to blatantly ask for cash gifts in their invitation if it's worded in a way that rhymes?  That made me cringe.

Oh but come on! It rhymes, see? That makes it allll okay, see? See? No, I don't see it either.  :-\

Here, for more cringing fun: http://www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/forum/receptions/money-poems/8907.html

 ;D
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations
Post by: missmolly on May 28, 2013, 09:46:53 AM
Definitely seems to be about all having the same hair/makeup colours rather than necessarily being together getting ready.

Shower invitations have gone out. Apparently the wording was ambiguous because guests have been asking if they have to buy a normal gft as well as Tupperware.
Bridesmaids have been requested to be there about 2 and1/2 hours early to set up, stay behind to clean up, and provide food, drink, cups, platters to serve food on, an Urn (if we have one), table cloths, etc, etc...

Wedding invitations arrived on the weekend, including the following poem (on a separate slip in the envelope):

your presence at the wedding is the greatest gift to receive,
witnessing the couple exchanging vows and state what they believe.
the tradition of the wishing well used on the wedding day,
is here both for your money gifts and for what you have to say
so please drop in a token of love for this special broom and bride

as they start their lives united by God, to live forever side by side


thoughts?

Here, I fixed it for them. No less saccherine perhaps but it's probably better to choke on sugary sweet words than indignation.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations
Post by: Amava on May 28, 2013, 09:47:51 AM
Definitely seems to be about all having the same hair/makeup colours rather than necessarily being together getting ready.

Shower invitations have gone out. Apparently the wording was ambiguous because guests have been asking if they have to buy a normal gft as well as Tupperware.
Bridesmaids have been requested to be there about 2 and1/2 hours early to set up, stay behind to clean up, and provide food, drink, cups, platters to serve food on, an Urn (if we have one), table cloths, etc, etc...

Wedding invitations arrived on the weekend, including the following poem (on a separate slip in the envelope):

your presence at the wedding is the greatest gift to receive,
witnessing the couple exchanging vows and state what they believe.
the tradition of the wishing well used on the wedding day,
is here both for your money gifts and for what you have to say
so please drop in a token of love for this special broom and bride

as they start their lives united by God, to live forever side by side


thoughts?

Here, I fixed it for them. No less saccherine perhaps but it's probably better to choke on sugary sweet words than indignation.

Aww, but now it doesn't rhyme anymore!  :(   ;D
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations
Post by: Layla Miller on May 28, 2013, 10:27:31 AM
Definitely seems to be about all having the same hair/makeup colours rather than necessarily being together getting ready.

Shower invitations have gone out. Apparently the wording was ambiguous because guests have been asking if they have to buy a normal gft as well as Tupperware.
Bridesmaids have been requested to be there about 2 and1/2 hours early to set up, stay behind to clean up, and provide food, drink, cups, platters to serve food on, an Urn (if we have one), table cloths, etc, etc...

Wedding invitations arrived on the weekend, including the following poem (on a separate slip in the envelope):

your presence at the wedding is the greatest gift to receive,
witnessing the couple exchanging vows and state what they believe.
the tradition of the wishing well used on the wedding day,
is here both for your money gifts and for what you have to say
so please drop in a token of love for this special broom and bride

as they start their lives united by God, to live forever side by side
Set 'em out, ride 'em in, ride 'em in, let 'em out, cut 'em out, ride 'em in Rawhide!


thoughts?

Here, I fixed it for them. No less saccherine perhaps but it's probably better to choke on sugary sweet words than indignation.

Aww, but now it doesn't rhyme anymore!  :(   ;D

Better?  It rhymes and cuts the saccharine a bit!  ;)
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations
Post by: artk2002 on May 28, 2013, 11:03:55 AM
Better?  It rhymes and cuts the saccharine a bit!  ;)

Only if they hand out whips at the wedding!
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations
Post by: Eeep! on May 28, 2013, 11:37:55 AM
Definitely seems to be about all having the same hair/makeup colours rather than necessarily being together getting ready.

Shower invitations have gone out. Apparently the wording was ambiguous because guests have been asking if they have to buy a normal gft as well as Tupperware.
Bridesmaids have been requested to be there about 2 and1/2 hours early to set up, stay behind to clean up, and provide food, drink, cups, platters to serve food on, an Urn (if we have one), table cloths, etc, etc...

Wedding invitations arrived on the weekend, including the following poem (on a separate slip in the envelope):

your presence at the wedding is the greatest gift to receive,
witnessing the couple exchanging vows and state what they believe.
the tradition of the wishing well used on the wedding day,
is here both for your money gifts and for what you have to say
so please drop in a token of love for this special broom and bride

as they start their lives united by God, to live forever side by side
Set 'em out, ride 'em in, ride 'em in, let 'em out, cut 'em out, ride 'em in Rawhide!


thoughts?

Here, I fixed it for them. No less saccherine perhaps but it's probably better to choke on sugary sweet words than indignation.

Aww, but now it doesn't rhyme anymore!  :(   ;D

Better?  It rhymes and cuts the saccharine a bit!  ;)

Bwahahaha!
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations post 104
Post by: zainabzks on May 28, 2013, 11:43:59 AM
Is your sister marrying a brooom??? ;)
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations post 104
Post by: NyaChan on May 28, 2013, 12:13:11 PM
Is your sister marrying a brooom??? ;)


hehe  :D
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations post 104
Post by: Arrynne on May 28, 2013, 12:15:51 PM
Is your sister marrying a brooom??? ;)

"Here comes the bride, fair, fat and wide.
Here comes the groom, skinny as a broom
Here comes the usher, the old toilet-flusher!"
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations post 104
Post by: wyliefool on May 28, 2013, 02:25:11 PM
Uh... are they thinking that it's OK to blatantly ask for cash gifts in their invitation if it's worded in a way that rhymes?  That made me cringe.

Oh but come on! It rhymes, see? That makes it allll okay, see? See? No, I don't see it either.  :-\

Here, for more cringing fun: http://www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/forum/receptions/money-poems/8907.html

 ;D

It should be illegal to attempt poetry without a license.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations post 104
Post by: Tea Drinker on May 28, 2013, 02:34:55 PM
Ugh.

I had to read that three times to get past my interpretation of "The main thing you can do for us is to be here and witness our wedding--but we really want money too."

I would be tempted to take them at their word, write some good wishes on a pretty card, and drop that and only that in the "wishing well."

However, that has more than a little to do with how I value communication: the invitation as sent isn't bad poetry just because of the forced rhyming and such: it's bad poetry because it obfuscates what the writer is trying to say. It's one thing to layer meanings, and quite another to have verse that reads as either "ha, fooled you!" or "I changed my mind but can't be bothered to go back and rewrite."

In fact, I might explicitly wish them a long, happy marriage in which they always were able to communicate clearly with each other. That's something I would wish for any relationship, but saying it explicitly here might be a bit snarky.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations
Post by: LifeOnPluto on May 28, 2013, 10:13:18 PM
Definitely seems to be about all having the same hair/makeup colours rather than necessarily being together getting ready.

Shower invitations have gone out. Apparently the wording was ambiguous because guests have been asking if they have to buy a normal gft as well as Tupperware.
Bridesmaids have been requested to be there about 2 and1/2 hours early to set up, stay behind to clean up, and provide food, drink, cups, platters to serve food on, an Urn (if we have one), table cloths, etc, etc...

Wedding invitations arrived on the weekend, including the following poem (on a separate slip in the envelope):

your presence at the wedding is the greatest gift to receive,
witnessing the couple exchanging vows and state what they believe.
the tradition of the wishing well used on the wedding day,
is here both for your money gifts and for what you have to say
so please drop in a token of love for this special broom and bride
as they start their lives united by God, to live forever side by side


thoughts?

Firstly - the shower. I don't think you're under any obligation to go early to help set up, nor stay late to help clean up. If I'm not mistaken, you're not one the organisers/hosts for this shower, right? This is something your sister wanted, and organised off her own bat. You don't have any say in how it is run. On that basis, I honestly think you're fine in just going as a regular guest. Oh, and you shouldn't have to provide a large chunk of the food and drinks either. If you want to bring a plate or a bottle of wine, that's fine. But I don't think you're obliged to do anything more. You didn't agree to any of this upfront.

Secondly, the poem. Gak! I agree with Tea Drinker in that I'd be sorely tempted to drop a nice card into the wishing well, and nothing more.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations post 104
Post by: Lynn2000 on May 29, 2013, 11:01:10 AM
My immediate thoughts are not really appropriate for an etiquette forum.

2.5 hours early seems really early to me. If the venue needs that much preparation in advance, I think they should have picked another venue, or at least made sure everyone they want to help is in fact available 2.5 hours early, and some time after. If they didn't clear that extra time with you beforehand, and they're expecting you to help, they may be disappointed when you say that due to other activities you have scheduled that day, you'll only be there at most half an hour early, and able to stay after only half an hour (for example).

Wasn't this venue supposed to be someone's house, or am I mixed up? If so, even less reason for needing a group of people working for 2.5 hours to get the place ready. If the house needs a deep cleaning or something, the hostess should either take care of that, or not offer up her house.

Again, if they didn't get your okay beforehand to provide a large amount of specific food and serving items, they can't count on you actually doing so. You might not be able to (want to) afford them, or transport them to the venue.

Pretending the shower proper runs from 1pm to 4pm... I would respond with something like, "Wow, sounds like an exciting time! FYI, I have other commitments that day, so I can be at the venue at about 12:30pm, and I have to leave by 4:30pm. I can chip in $25 towards the cost of food, etc.. Do you want cash or is there something specific I can bring for that price?" Or whatever other limits you decide on. If they make plans without your agreement, they can't count on you to do what they want. I think it would be fair to warn them of that ahead of time, though.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update Invitations
Post by: JenJay on May 29, 2013, 11:30:53 AM
Definitely seems to be about all having the same hair/makeup colours rather than necessarily being together getting ready.

Shower invitations have gone out. Apparently the wording was ambiguous because guests have been asking if they have to buy a normal gft as well as Tupperware.
Bridesmaids have been requested to be there about 2 and1/2 hours early to set up, stay behind to clean up, and provide food, drink, cups, platters to serve food on, an Urn (if we have one), table cloths, etc, etc...

Wedding invitations arrived on the weekend, including the following poem (on a separate slip in the envelope):

your presence at the wedding is the greatest gift to receive,
witnessing the couple exchanging vows and state what they believe.
the tradition of the wishing well used on the wedding day,
is here both for your money gifts and for what you have to say
so please drop in a token of love for this special broom and bride

as they start their lives united by God, to live forever side by side
Set 'em out, ride 'em in, ride 'em in, let 'em out, cut 'em out, ride 'em in Rawhide!


thoughts?

Here, I fixed it for them. No less saccherine perhaps but it's probably better to choke on sugary sweet words than indignation.

Aww, but now it doesn't rhyme anymore!  :(   ;D

Better?  It rhymes and cuts the saccharine a bit!  ;)

That made me laugh so hard!!

Okay, the poem is horrible. They're basically giving people a heads-up "Yo, there will be a box in which you are expected to place money so BRING TEH MONIES!!"
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #122
Post by: MummyPumpkin83 on June 14, 2013, 11:27:03 PM
So the kitchen tea was last weekend. It went really well. Though my middle son was quite upset when he found that boys weren't invited, "its not fair that it is just girls mum!"
There was a bit of confusion amongst the guests about the gift giving (there were 3 or 4 wrapped gifts). People were told they were able to put money in the tub for sis to spend, or they could buy for her, or they could buy for themselves and she would get the "host points" for the purchasers. I think some people thought they had to buy something, and put into the tub.

There was heaps of food. So middle sis got to take the left overs for morning tea to her church the next day.

I ran the games part - which went well. Just 2 games. "how well do you know the bride/groom/bridal party" questionnaire, and "what do you have in your handbag".

All the bridesmaids were there so we all tried on our dresses and shoes together. We all looked good if I say so myself. A couple of us need to get our dresses adjusted (One poor bridesmaids dress was so spacious in the top she could have fit a pillow in there!).

My mum seems to have sorted the transport to the wedding issue. I have not protested (except to my DH and here on e-hell) about the plans, my issue has always been that I have been told this is what is happening and not given any options of doing otherwise. I also haven't spoken up about the inconvenience, because it had all already been sorted. My dad will pick me up sometime on the morning of the wedding and take me back to their house so I can get my hair and makeup done, then the bridal party will get in the fancy cars and head to the church together.

My DH has been asked if he will video the ceremony and the speech portion of the reception. Good thing MIL is coming to wrangle the kids!

Edited to add...

Hens night has been sorted. Middle sis was having a bit of a moral dilemma about the contents of the evening (pole dancing and clubbing) so she has opted to go on a friends 30th birthday weekend away instead. I am definitely going for the dinner portion of the night. Just have to see about the Pole dancing bit.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122
Post by: LifeOnPluto on June 16, 2013, 12:00:11 AM
MummyPumpkin83, I'm glad you survived the tupperware shower! Sounds like it didn't go too badly, all things considered!

I'm also glad the transportation arrangements have been sorted out. Re: your DH being asked (or told?!) to do the video of the ceremony and speeches, I'm wondering if your little sister still expects a wedding gift from you? Because I honestly think after all the cost and favours you (and now your DH) are doing your sister, you shoudn't have to give her anything more than a card full of well wishes.

I also read on your other thread that you're expected to pay $50 for the pole dancing part of the hens' night. If you aren't actually going along to that part, I don't think you should have to pay for it.

Re: your middle sister, I hope she hadn't committed to the hens' night? Because if she has, it would be rude of her to back out now, to attend the 30th birthday party. Personally, I would have chosen my sister's hen's night above a friend's birthday party, but I guess it's different strokes for different folks.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122
Post by: Minmom3 on June 17, 2013, 12:54:04 AM
I don't know if I WOULD opt for a sisters pole dancing hen night over a friends birthday party, and I'm not remotely religious.  OP has said her sister IS religious, and has moral objections to the salacious nature of the planned events at the hen party.  Bride knows her sisters objections and would rather do those events than chose something tamer that her sisters would both be happier taking part in.  She's made her choice, and her sisters shouldn't have to do something objectionable to them just because the 3rd sister is getting married and 'having a partay!' on her hen night.  Asking your sisters to fold, spindle and mutilate their morals isn't a kind thing to do, and (IMO) indicates that bride would possibly be happier with just her friends that night, not the more straight laced sisters.  And while bride may be unhappy that her sister has ducked out of the hen night, I think that's the risk she runs when she chooses to do something that she KNOWS the sister finds displeasing and or morally objectionable.  Choices have repercussions.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122
Post by: Lynn2000 on June 17, 2013, 09:44:32 AM
I do think no one who feels uncomfortable with the pole dancing (or any other part) need attend it, but I think the question was, did the sister already commit to attending it, and is now having second thoughts, even though no new information has been given? That's not the best option to take, really, though sometimes it's unavoidable if you're really feeling conflicted about something.

Even if Sister ultimately chooses not to go, there might be consequences to her agreeing and then changing her mind (if that, in fact, happened). Like if there's a minimum requirement of 5 spots in a group, and now they only have 4 people, maybe she'll have to pay for a spot she's not going to use, so the rest of the group can still attend (since they based attending on her original agreement).

It would be nice if Sister could attend at least the dinner portion, though. I think as a bride it would be hurtful to have one of my sisters completely back out of my hen night, after saying she would be there, to attend someone else's party, even the portions that were non-objectionable. But, of course nice doesn't equal polite, and obviously there are a lot of family dynamics at play here. What one person would be hurt by, another would be perfectly fine with.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122
Post by: Twik on June 17, 2013, 11:03:42 AM
I think it is not wise to expect that people will all be fine with "pretend sexual debauchery" night unless you know them well enough to be sure they'll think it's fun, not degrading. Assuming that people who don't want to do this will do it for love of you will land you in exactly this situation. Since I would assume the bride actually has more than a passing acquaintance with her sister, I can only assume that she either does not care how her sister feels about it, or worse, is amused at forcing her to do something that she feels is wrong.

I think backing out of the party is the best possible solution; certainly better than either attending with a sour expression, or feeling forced into doing something you do not want to do.


Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122
Post by: KenveeB on June 17, 2013, 12:57:34 PM
I think it is not wise to expect that people will all be fine with "pretend sexual debauchery" night unless you know them well enough to be sure they'll think it's fun, not degrading. Assuming that people who don't want to do this will do it for love of you will land you in exactly this situation. Since I would assume the bride actually has more than a passing acquaintance with her sister, I can only assume that she either does not care how her sister feels about it, or worse, is amused at forcing her to do something that she feels is wrong.

I think backing out of the party is the best possible solution; certainly better than either attending with a sour expression, or feeling forced into doing something you do not want to do.

But Bride isn't assuming everyone would be fine with it. She's having three distinct parts of the party and has specifically said that it's fine to just come to the parts you want. I think that's a good way to do it if you want to have something out of the ordinary for your party. If it was my sister, I would make a point to come to the dinner even if I was bowing out on the rest.
Title: Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122
Post by: LifeOnPluto on June 17, 2013, 10:34:41 PM
I think it is not wise to expect that people will all be fine with "pretend sexual debauchery" night unless you know them well enough to be sure they'll think it's fun, not degrading. Assuming that people who don't want to do this will do it for love of you will land you in exactly this situation. Since I would assume the bride actually has more than a passing acquaintance with her sister, I can only assume that she either does not care how her sister feels about it, or worse, is amused at forcing her to do something that she feels is wrong.

I think backing out of the party is the best possible solution; certainly better than either attending with a sour expression, or feeling forced into doing something you do not want to do.

But Bride isn't assuming everyone would be fine with it. She's having three distinct parts of the party and has specifically said that it's fine to just come to the parts you want. I think that's a good way to do it if you want to have something out of the ordinary for your party. If it was my sister, I would make a point to come to the dinner even if I was bowing out on the rest.

Exactly. If I recall correctly, the Bride had no issue with guests skipping the pole dancing part of the Hens Night.

My question stands. Had the middle sister indicated to the Bride that she'd be attending ANY part of the Hens Night? Because if so, I do think she's rude to back out altogether at this stage.


It would be nice if Sister could attend at least the dinner portion, though. I think as a bride it would be hurtful to have one of my sisters completely back out of my hen night, after saying she would be there, to attend someone else's party, even the portions that were non-objectionable. But, of course nice doesn't equal polite, and obviously there are a lot of family dynamics at play here. What one person would be hurt by, another would be perfectly fine with.

I agree with this.