Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: KristinS81 on April 30, 2013, 10:54:30 AM

Title: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: KristinS81 on April 30, 2013, 10:54:30 AM
Hey ladies- This is my first time on this board and I need your help! I never thought I would have to post anything like this, but I need some unbiased opinions. Here is my deal and I apologize for the long rant:

So my brother started dating this girl about 2 and a half years ago and they ended up getting engaged. Since they started dating, I have probably only have been around her less than 15 times. She seemed ok, but something seemed off about her. I just chalked it up to me being a protective older sister, and I tried to keep an open mind. However, as soon as my brother "put a ring on it", her true colors have shown, and I feel as if my gut feelings are coming true.

Last September, she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Her bridal party includes her cousin (MOH), and all her best friends. I felt flattered that she asked, because like I said, we don't know each other like that. I thought it was a gracious offer. I have never been in a wedding party as an adult, and by January, there had been no communication between the bridal party. I emailed the MOH to say hi, and explain that my budget for the bridal shower was $150, as my long term boyfriend and myself are in the house hunt. She never got back to me. Then in late February, the MOH sent out a group email to the BP and said that she booked the venue and needed $250 from each girl! WHAT?! Luckily, two of the other BMs spoke up, and said that they could not afford that. They also pointed out that if we were expected to contribute monetarily, we needed to be involved in the planning. I was relieved they said something, because I am the odd-ball out and didn't want to cause any waves. The MOH was heated and snapped back that she did not know how she was supposed to plan a shower on less. We all agreed on $150, and the MOH's and bride's grandmother covered the rest of the shower.

A few months ago, my brother's fiance texted me and said that the bachelorette party would be a certain weekend at the beginning of the summer. I said that it would be fine, but I immediately texted back and said that was actually the my first day of my week vacay that I already booked (I travel for work on Saturdays, so I got my dates confused). She seemed not happy, but again, not trying to cause problems I said I would try to make something work. There was talk that the b-party destination was actually 15 minutes from where I am vacationing. I was thrilled because then I could do both. Cut to two weeks ago, the MOH announced that the b-party was switched to somewhere 4 hours away from where I was staying. I told her I would not be able to stay the night and I would try to make it to the daytime festivities. Literally 20 minutes later, my brother's fiance texted me a novel chewing me out. She said that I didn't give a sh*t about her wedding and that I've had issues with it from the beginning. That I was not contributing enough and that if it was "my best friend's or sister's wedding, I would be spending more time and money to make sure everything was perfect". I responded in an adult manner stating that I have NO idea where she got that impression from and I was really taken aback by her text. I also told her that if she has a problem with me, then please call me instead of texing and I would be happy to have a conversation with her. She just replied back that what I was telling her wasn't matching up with what "she's been hearing from others" and that she doesn't believe I've been trying hard enough.

So now I'm pissed, and I really don't know what to do from here. I have a feeling that the MOH has been talking trash and trying to pin all the BP drama on me. I really don't want to go to the b-party because, honestly, I don't feel comfortable. Not only that, but I don't have the financial means to drive there, drive to my vacation, and pay for my week vacation. I feel like this is just the tip of the drama to come. What would you guys do?
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: jaxsue on April 30, 2013, 11:02:09 AM
If it were me, I'd graciously (not dramatically) opt out of the bridal party. The breaking point would be the insistence that I spend money, money that is out of your budget, on this event.

I hope things go better between you and the bride-to-be in the future, but if this is an omen of things to come,  :-\.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: siamesecat2965 on April 30, 2013, 11:05:34 AM
Honestly, if it were me, and I thought I could do so without making too many wavies with my brother and rest of the family, I'd simply politely bow out of being IN the wedding. She sounds like quite the bridezilla, and quite entitled.

And the fact the MOH didn't respond to your initial email re: the shower, and then basically demanded all the bridal party chip in x dollars, would make me quite angry.

I think you handled the b-party issue well too; you told her initially you would be on vacation, but would see what you could do. But when it moved 4 hours away, you did nothing wrong in declining to stay over. I probably would have just said sorry, I thought it was going to be in the 15 minute away location, but now that' its 4 hours, I won't be able to make it. And also asking her to call so you could talk to her personally was fine too.

But with all this drama, if it were me, I'd probalby decline altogether to be IN the actual wedding, as to me, it would not be worth it. If she's being like this now, I can only imagine what the actual wedding will bring.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Kaypeep on April 30, 2013, 11:11:18 AM
Honestly, if it were me, and I thought I could do so without making too many wavies with my brother and rest of the family, I'd simply politely bow out of being IN the wedding. She sounds like quite the bridezilla, and quite entitled.

And the fact the MOH didn't respond to your initial email re: the shower, and then basically demanded all the bridal party chip in x dollars, would make me quite angry.

I think you handled the b-party issue well too; you told her initially you would be on vacation, but would see what you could do. But when it moved 4 hours away, you did nothing wrong in declining to stay over. I probably would have just said sorry, I thought it was going to be in the 15 minute away location, but now that' its 4 hours, I won't be able to make it. And also asking her to call so you could talk to her personally was fine too.

But with all this drama, if it were me, I'd probalby decline altogether to be IN the actual wedding, as to me, it would not be worth it. If she's being like this now, I can only imagine what the actual wedding will bring.

This.  Get out now and save your sanity.  If you stay she will probably still be a drama queen and find problems with you and make you miserable.  If you leave she might whine and be miserable but at least you won't spend your time and money trying to please her.  Call your brother and tell him what you're going to do.  Be polite and non-confrontational.  Play dumb and just say "I don't know what has caused these feelings with your BTB, but I think it's best I step down from the bridal party and just attend as a guest.  I don't want to add to her stress levels and the few interactions I've had with her MOH have not gone as expected and I don't want more problems down the road.  I love you, and I stand by you on your wedding day. But I'm afraid I can't stand as part of the bridal party."
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: LeveeWoman on April 30, 2013, 11:13:42 AM
I agree with the others in that I'd drop out of the wedding party.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: MrTango on April 30, 2013, 11:32:05 AM
I'd also drop out.

This much drama belongs in a middle-school auditorium, not in adult relationships.

Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Judah on April 30, 2013, 11:34:51 AM
I'd have a conversation with your brother in which I made it clear how much I love him, and how happy I am for him, and how much I want his wedding to be a special day. Then I'd tell him that since it seems that his bride isn't happy with me, I'll need to drop out of the wedding.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: gramma dishes on April 30, 2013, 11:40:02 AM
Add my name to the list of those who think it may be time to politely drop out of the wedding party. 
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Pen^2 on April 30, 2013, 11:41:37 AM
What everyone else has said.

Tell your brother that you are really looking forward to his wedding and are very happy for him, hope he has a great time, and all the rest. Explain how you want to support him and his fiance, and explain matter-of-factly and without any judgement whatsoever that it seems that her and your expectations are quite different, so it's become apparent that you can better support him and save her from grief by dropping out of a role that it now appears you can't fill.

Don't make it long, and stick to a neutral explanation if pressed, such as that your expectations and hers don't match, and that it would be unfair of you to commit to something you know you can't meet. Repeat if necessary. Don't go into specifics, whatever you do. The last thing you need at this stage is a big ugly stain on your relationship with a woman you'll have to be spending a lot of time around in the future. Just bite your tongue and keep things neutral and civil.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: CaffeineKatie on April 30, 2013, 11:43:05 AM
I agree--get out of the bridal party ASAP.  If you think it will make things a little less bumpy, you might say something like "I just know I can't do what I should to fulfill my duties as a bridesmaid, and I don't want to disappoint you" rather than the truth of "You are a bridezilla and your crazy MOH of trying to bleed me dry."  Maybe you could offer to do something on the day of the wedding--take charge of the gift table or guestbook or something along that line. 
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: ladyknight1 on April 30, 2013, 11:55:13 AM
I POD the other PP. I think you should excuse yourself as a bridesmaid.

This situation does sound a little odd.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: TylerBelle on April 30, 2013, 11:57:43 AM
Unless you really have your heart set on being in the wedding, I concur with the other posters and bow out gracefully. It sounds like since you are the one least known of the BP, you are bearing the brunt of the whatever issues crop up.

We've seen similar on here many of times where brides and the closest to them (MOHs, MOBs, aunts, etc.) get into the fog of whatever they decide - goes for attendants. Whether it be how much they are to spend, the place and time of different gatherings, etc., and if there are to be any sudden changes, such as the switching places of this bachelorette party, well, it's believed the bridal party will just have to deal with it. Not only is it not fair, it's not always doable for the BP do have lives outside the wedding they are in.

Again as mentioned, I would speak to your brother and tell him that you wish the both of them well but there are circumstances that doesn't work for you being in the bridal party now. Good luck.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: RebeccainGA on April 30, 2013, 12:02:53 PM
POD everyone - get out QUICK!

SILs are funny creatures. They are new to the family, but in some ways we feel like we 'should' treat them exactly the same as any existing member of the family. Be as welcoming as you can be, but don't think that makes you have to be a doormat. This one seems like a real piece of work, and I can only hope it's just bridzilla-itis and not a true reflection of who she is - some women seem to have been fed the BWW tripe for so long they just go nuts.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: bah12 on April 30, 2013, 12:06:21 PM
I also agree that option out of the wedding party seems like the best option at this time.  But, I also think that now, you have to consider how you're going to move forward with your SIL to be.  Chances are very high that she will be in your life for quite some time, and trying to make some amends with her, may go a long way.  I don't think that means that you have to be best friends or do what she wants.  You don't.  But it may help if you try to set the stage, at least, for your future relationship to be civil, even if distant. 

I'm not really sure how to go forward from here.  You can start by talking to your brother and getting his perspective.  Then maybe write or say something to your SIL along the lines of:  "I truly was surprised to hear that your impression is that I don't care about your wedding.  I absolutely care about you and my brother and am fully supportive of your relationship and you having the wedding that will make you happy.  That being said, the truth is, the wedding party costs are out of my budget.  I was so flattered that you had asked me to be in your wedding party that I didn't consider the strain on my finances or how that would affect you and the other bridesmaids.  For that reason, I think the best thing would be for me to bow out now.  I still would like to help you prepare in any way that I can and am looking forward to your wedding and welcoming you into our family.  I hope you understand where I am coming from and know that my decision has no bearing on how I feel about you as a person."
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Redneck Gravy on April 30, 2013, 12:20:08 PM
Well let me be the dissenting vote here...don't back out of being in the wedding.

Have a sit down (perhaps lunch) with the BTB.  Explain how excited you are to be in the bridal party and you had certainly planned on participating in the shower, bachelor party and whatever other events are connected to this grand event.

HOWEVER, you were told one thing then another.  You have not been kept in the loop about finances, locations, planning, etc.  Be sure to emphasize your joy with being in the wedding and wanting to do your part with the other events. 

This is a woman that is going to be in your life - probably forever (even if they ever get divorced and I'm not hoping that they do).  I think you are well served to bite your tongue now and not add drama that may well follow you the rest of your life with your brother.  Again, tell her how excited you are to be part of this wonderful wedding.   

And I am NOT saying that anything is your fault, just saying you might want to hold your tongue with a pair of pliers and clear the air with your new SIL to be now so the future with your bro at least starts off peacefully. 
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: GSNW on April 30, 2013, 12:24:44 PM
Run for your life.  I agree with PPs that you can tell your brother the bit about expectations and abilities not matching up, and you can add that you don't want to put stress on the bride ... bla bla bla.  If this is how she treats you when she barely knows you, I am worried for what's down the road when she gets a little more comfortable. 
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: AvidReader on April 30, 2013, 12:39:00 PM
I'm in complete agreement with the others.  Get.out.now.  CaffeineKatie expressed it the best.  The only thing I would add would be to express having been flattered to be asked to be in the bridal party.  The less said, the cleaner your exit, the better.  There is no need to enumerate the issues that have arisen which would leave you open to her JADE-ing (justifying, arguing, defending, excusing) or turning it on you to JADE. 

Please decline your role in a phone call or a face-to-face conversation (if that is possible) ASAP with the BTB.  It is classier than an email. 

She may complain about you to the other bridesmaids but at least she won't have an email that will make the rounds.   And I wouldn't take the specific issues (b-party location, costs, lack of communication) to anyone else in the family....they may work their way back to the BTB...and who would need that drama?

And be sure to provide an update.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Shoo on April 30, 2013, 12:47:01 PM
This is only the beginning.  Get out now while you still have your sanity (and some money). 
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: *inviteseller on April 30, 2013, 12:51:42 PM
RUNRUNRUN!!!!  You aren't being included in anything other than when they need money ($250 a person for the bridal shower????? ).  I would call her, not a text and not through your brother and tell her that you are sorry she feels that way (non apology apology works well here) and you no longer feel comfortable being part of the wedding party.  Personally, I feel you can make a better attempt at some sort of relationship with her if you don't get caught up in her (and her MOH's) bridezilla stuff.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: TootsNYC on April 30, 2013, 12:55:18 PM
Well let me be the dissenting vote here...don't back out of being in the wedding.

Have a sit down (perhaps lunch) with the BTB.  Explain how excited you are to be in the bridal party and you had certainly planned on participating in the shower, bachelor party and whatever other events are connected to this grand event.

HOWEVER, you were told one thing then another.  You have not been kept in the loop about finances, locations, planning, etc.  Be sure to emphasize your joy with being in the wedding and wanting to do your part with the other events. 

This is a woman that is going to be in your life - probably forever (even if they ever get divorced and I'm not hoping that they do).  I think you are well served to bite your tongue now and not add drama that may well follow you the rest of your life with your brother.  Again, tell her how excited you are to be part of this wonderful wedding.   

And I am NOT saying that anything is your fault, just saying you might want to hold your tongue with a pair of pliers and clear the air with your new SIL to be now so the future with your bro at least starts off peacefully.

I agree with this.

I think dropping out of the wedding party is the nuclear option. A last resort.

She left you an opening, that what she's hearing from you doesn't match w/ what she's hearing from other people

So FIRST talk to your brother. Tell him everything, in a non-accusatory way. Print out an email from the MOH if necessary. Tell him that you want him to know that your attitude is, "I'm exciting for you, happy in your choice of bride, was eager to be part of things--so eager that I sent my budget info to the MOH right away!"

Then tell him that you're going to sit down with his bride and explain these things to her as well, but that you wanted him to know straight from you.

Then call her--don't text, your instinct is right there--and say that you're concerned she's not hearing the same thing that you're saying, and that you don't want to communicate with her through a middleman. Can you meet?

Then say to her, "I'm happy for the wedding, and I don't want this unpleasantness and imprecision to sour things." Then lay out the timeline. Print out emails if necessary.

And tell her that no matter what someone else is deciding based on their communication with you, your own attitude, straight from you to her, is that you are happy about the wedding, willing to participate, bummed that the party was rescheduled so that you simply can't make it.

And then say, "I don't want to be where I'm not welcome. If these things, and my explanation, mean that me being in the wedding party is a negative thing, then I absolutely will step down, no hard feelings. You should be happy with your bridal party. If you can't be happy with having me in it, of course I should step out."
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Janice on April 30, 2013, 12:59:29 PM
Danger, Will Robinson! As other posters have said, this is your prime opportunity to graciously bow out of being in the drama-fest, er, wedding party.

I know there's often a lot of sentiment that the bridal party should just suck it up and deal, because it's the bride's "special day", but that doesn't give the bride the right to treat people rudely or ungraciously without any consequences. One common consequence of rude behavior is that people may decline to do you favors. If my SIL treated me like this over the wedding, my response would be to politely decline to participate in the bridal party. If she then chose to make my declining to be a doormat a lifelong issue, that's her problem, not mine.

It sounds like your SIL still has lots of time before the wedding and has other attendants, so I don't think you'll be leaving her in the lurch. She may have a hissy over you opting out, but if you stay in, you know it's only going to get worse. Set up a phone call or face to face meeting and simply say that you're very sorry but due to circumstances beyond your control you're not able to meet her expectations for the bridesmaid role and you're stepping out of the role, but you wish her and your brother the very best. Don't JADE or put up with her throwing a tantrum - if she screams or starts a tirade, simply leave.

I might have a private conversation with your brother but DON'T criticize his fiancee, which will only put him on the defensive. Instead, simply repeat what you said to your SIL - that circumstances have changed and you're not able to participate in the bridal party, but you're looking forward to the wedding and wish them the best.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: SamiHami on April 30, 2013, 01:04:03 PM
I suspect that your brother is the one who told her that she should include you in the wedding party, and that she's not particularly happy about it. That would go a long way in explaining why you are being treated so shabbily.

Regardless of the reasons, however, you are being treated shabbily and you need to put a stop to it. While one or two posters say this pulling out of the wedding would be the nuclear option, I think that it would go a long way in establishing with her that you have boundaries with regard to how you are willing to be treated. This person will be in your life forever, so it's good to establish early on that you won't be treated badly.

I would graciously bow out right now and attend as a guest only. I would not make excuses to her and would not JADE; I would simply tell her that it doesn't seem to be working out and that you have decided to be a guest rather than an attendant.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: WillyNilly on April 30, 2013, 01:13:27 PM
I don't think dropping out of the BP will do anything to smooth the bachelorette party issue - as sister of the groom you would be expected to attend that whether you were a BM or not. Dropping out will only tick off the bride more I think. And possibly stress out your brother.

I think what needs to happen is you need to sit down face to face with some people. Or at the very least have some phone conversations. You should speak - not email - with the rest of the bridal party or at least the MOH. Approach the situation calmly and have a smile on your face (even if on the phone - people can hear a smile!) I think sitting down with the bride (perhaps lunch with her and your brother) is a good idea too.

The reality is often people will not tell the bride the full story of whats going on among the BP in the misguided attempt to reduce drama, but the stress of wedding planning tends to have the result that the bride fills in the gaps with her own worst case scenario ideas and the drama is amped up. So the MOH may have mentioned your email with the $150 budget at one point, then at another point let it slip that the BP balked at the price of the chosen location, without mentioning it was 2 other BM's, and so the bride connected the dots and assumed it was all you. Not malicious, but very much a misunderstanding. It also possible there was some sort of misunderstanding about the bachelorette party as well - maybe you were inadvertently left off a planning email or something and so everyone thought the date was settled.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Janice on April 30, 2013, 01:28:15 PM
Quote
Literally 20 minutes later, my brother's fiance texted me a novel chewing me out. She said that I didn't give a sh*t about her wedding and that I've had issues with it from the beginning. That I was not contributing enough and that if it was "my best friend's or sister's wedding, I would be spending more time and money to make sure everything was perfect". I responded in an adult manner stating that I have NO idea where she got that impression from and I was really taken aback by her text. I also told her that if she has a problem with me, then please call me instead of texing and I would be happy to have a conversation with her. She just replied back that what I was telling her wasn't matching up with what "she's been hearing from others" and that she doesn't believe I've been trying hard enough.

This doesn't sound to me like somebody who has been kept out of the loop and is trying to be reasonable. It sounds more like a junior high school girl pitching a fit over not being the center of attention. Come on..."not trying hard enough?" If she'd said "I really feel that you're not interested in helping out and I am disappointed about X and Y" that would be one thing, but texting a tirade and refusing to be specific just screams "Narcissist" to me.

I think you need a sit down conversation with the bride and I still think removing yourself politely from this situation is best for all concerned. Having dealt with toxic and narcissistic family members, I can tell you that somebody like this will ALWAYS create drama and tension over something, and appeasing them/being a doormat just makes everything worse. Decline, enjoy your vacation and attend the wedding with a smile and a nice gift.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Hmmmmm on April 30, 2013, 01:33:22 PM
Well let me be the dissenting vote here...don't back out of being in the wedding.

Have a sit down (perhaps lunch) with the BTB.  Explain how excited you are to be in the bridal party and you had certainly planned on participating in the shower, bachelor party and whatever other events are connected to this grand event.

HOWEVER, you were told one thing then another.  You have not been kept in the loop about finances, locations, planning, etc.  Be sure to emphasize your joy with being in the wedding and wanting to do your part with the other events. 

This is a woman that is going to be in your life - probably forever (even if they ever get divorced and I'm not hoping that they do).  I think you are well served to bite your tongue now and not add drama that may well follow you the rest of your life with your brother.  Again, tell her how excited you are to be part of this wonderful wedding.   

And I am NOT saying that anything is your fault, just saying you might want to hold your tongue with a pair of pliers and clear the air with your new SIL to be now so the future with your bro at least starts off peacefully.

I agree with this.

I think dropping out of the wedding party is the nuclear option. A last resort.

She left you an opening, that what she's hearing from you doesn't match w/ what she's hearing from other people

So FIRST talk to your brother. Tell him everything, in a non-accusatory way. Print out an email from the MOH if necessary. Tell him that you want him to know that your attitude is, "I'm exciting for you, happy in your choice of bride, was eager to be part of things--so eager that I sent my budget info to the MOH right away!"

Then tell him that you're going to sit down with his bride and explain these things to her as well, but that you wanted him to know straight from you.

Then call her--don't text, your instinct is right there--and say that you're concerned she's not hearing the same thing that you're saying, and that you don't want to communicate with her through a middleman. Can you meet?

Then say to her, "I'm happy for the wedding, and I don't want this unpleasantness and imprecision to sour things." Then lay out the timeline. Print out emails if necessary.

And tell her that no matter what someone else is deciding based on their communication with you, your own attitude, straight from you to her, is that you are happy about the wedding, willing to participate, bummed that the party was rescheduled so that you simply can't make it.

And then say, "I don't want to be where I'm not welcome. If these things, and my explanation, mean that me being in the wedding party is a negative thing, then I absolutely will step down, no hard feelings. You should be happy with your bridal party. If you can't be happy with having me in it, of course I should step out."

I agree with these two posts. I think dropping out at this stage will cause problems for a long time.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: TootsNYC on April 30, 2013, 01:37:18 PM
Oh, in that conversation? And with  your brother?

You are not required to be spending money to make someone else's wedding perfect. It's a generous thing for you to be willing to spend $150 on the shower. The shower is not the wedding.

And anyway, it's not your wedding.

As for the bachelorette party? Absolutely you have no requirement to "do enough."

This is not your wedding.

Keep saying that: "this is not my wedding." "I'm just a bridesmaid."
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: misha412 on April 30, 2013, 02:12:54 PM
Hey ladies- This is my first time on this board and I need your help! I never thought I would have to post anything like this, but I need some unbiased opinions. Here is my deal and I apologize for the long rant:

So my brother started dating this girl about 2 and a half years ago and they ended up getting engaged. Since they started dating, I have probably only have been around her less than 15 times. She seemed ok, but something seemed off about her. I just chalked it up to me being a protective older sister, and I tried to keep an open mind. However, as soon as my brother "put a ring on it", her true colors have shown, and I feel as if my gut feelings are coming true.

Last September, she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Her bridal party includes her cousin (MOH), and all her best friends. I felt flattered that she asked, because like I said, we don't know each other like that. I thought it was a gracious offer. I have never been in a wedding party as an adult, and by January, there had been no communication between the bridal party. I emailed the MOH to say hi, and explain that my budget for the bridal shower was $150, as my long term boyfriend and myself are in the house hunt. She never got back to me. Then in late February, the MOH sent out a group email to the BP and said that she booked the venue and needed $250 from each girl! WHAT?! Luckily, two of the other BMs spoke up, and said that they could not afford that. They also pointed out that if we were expected to contribute monetarily, we needed to be involved in the planning. I was relieved they said something, because I am the odd-ball out and didn't want to cause any waves. The MOH was heated and snapped back that she did not know how she was supposed to plan a shower on less. We all agreed on $150, and the MOH's and bride's grandmother covered the rest of the shower.

A few months ago, my brother's fiance texted me and said that the bachelorette party would be a certain weekend at the beginning of the summer. I said that it would be fine, but I immediately texted back and said that was actually the my first day of my week vacay that I already booked (I travel for work on Saturdays, so I got my dates confused). She seemed not happy, but again, not trying to cause problems I said I would try to make something work. There was talk that the b-party destination was actually 15 minutes from where I am vacationing. I was thrilled because then I could do both. Cut to two weeks ago, the MOH announced that the b-party was switched to somewhere 4 hours away from where I was staying. I told her I would not be able to stay the night and I would try to make it to the daytime festivities. Literally 20 minutes later, my brother's fiance texted me a novel chewing me out. She said that I didn't give a sh*t about her wedding and that I've had issues with it from the beginning. That I was not contributing enough and that if it was "my best friend's or sister's wedding, I would be spending more time and money to make sure everything was perfect". I responded in an adult manner stating that I have NO idea where she got that impression from and I was really taken aback by her text. I also told her that if she has a problem with me, then please call me instead of texing and I would be happy to have a conversation with her. She just replied back that what I was telling her wasn't matching up with what "she's been hearing from others" and that she doesn't believe I've been trying hard enough.

So now I'm pissed, and I really don't know what to do from here. I have a feeling that the MOH has been talking trash and trying to pin all the BP drama on me. I really don't want to go to the b-party because, honestly, I don't feel comfortable. Not only that, but I don't have the financial means to drive there, drive to my vacation, and pay for my week vacation. I feel like this is just the tip of the drama to come. What would you guys do?

My first reaction is to get out of the wedding party as soon as possible. She sounds like a drama queen who wants everyone to bend over backwards to make her wedding "perfect." It doesn't matter if you have a life to live and a budget you have to follow, her day is what your world must revolve around apparently.

However, for long-term family relations, I think you need to at least make an attempt to resolve the situation before dropping out.

Sit down with your brother and talk about it. He has likely heard an earful from his BTB. Tell him your side and see how he thinks you should handle it. While your brother should not be put in the middle of choosing sides, getting his perspective can help. Then, I would sit down with the BTB and talk it out. Show her emails, other evidence, etc. Tell her you do not know what caused the misunderstanding, but you fully support the wedding and want to be a part of the happy day.

At this point, her reaction will tell you your next course of action. If she remains the drama queen who cannot see reason or understand that the world does not revolve around the wedding, I would step out of the wedding party immediately. If she says everything is okay to your face, and remains the drama queen behind your back, I would step out of the wedding party. If you have to step out of the wedding party, I would quietly make it known to anyone who asks that you had to step out due to budget and expectation problems.

If she actually acts like an adult and realizes communications broke down and things are not as dramatic as it seems, stay in the wedding party for the sake of maintaining a civil relationship with your brother and STB SIL.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: BeagleMommy on April 30, 2013, 02:15:58 PM
I like Toots' reply.

I think you should sit down and talk with your brother AND the BTB about what's going on with the MOH.  The fact that other bridesmaids had to tell her they couldn't afford the amount of the shower means she's making plans without consulting anyone.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: guihong on April 30, 2013, 02:18:59 PM
I would sit down with your brother and his BTB and in a non-accusatory way go over the misunderstandings.   This will tell you what you need to do, but my gut feeling is "Run!"  Do it gracefully, but bow out of being a bridesmaid.  Perhaps if you still want to be involved in the wedding, offer a compromise such as watching the guestbook or serving punch.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: TootsNYC on April 30, 2013, 02:28:10 PM
Also, when you talk to your brother (and to the bride), point out that you were not alone in having a budget that was smaller, and that the *other* bridesmaids were the ones who balked at not being included in the planning.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Quiltin Nana on April 30, 2013, 02:38:45 PM
Oh, in that conversation? And with  your brother?

You are not required to be spending money to make someone else's wedding perfect. It's a generous thing for you to be willing to spend $150 on the shower. The shower is not the wedding.

And anyway, it's not your wedding.

As for the bachelorette party? Absolutely you have no requirement to "do enough."

This is not your wedding.

Keep saying that: "this is not my wedding." "I'm just a bridesmaid."

I so agree with this.  I hear other BM moaning about how much money they are expected to come up with to fund showers, bachorlette parties, and other events.  I tell them, they only have to get the dress, shoes, have their hair presentable, and show up for the rehearsal, wedding and reception.  Anything else is just fluff.  Nice, but not necessary. 
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: bopper on April 30, 2013, 02:55:47 PM
If they make plans without you, they make plans without you.

I would maybe talk to my brother about all this and tell him that you will call his fiance on the phone and explain that you want to participate, but when they make plans without consulting you then they can't get mad you are not available. 
Yes, it might be nice to have a shower at a restaurant, but one at someone's home may be what is affordable.

Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Eden on April 30, 2013, 02:59:52 PM
Well let me be the dissenting vote here...don't back out of being in the wedding.

Have a sit down (perhaps lunch) with the BTB.  Explain how excited you are to be in the bridal party and you had certainly planned on participating in the shower, bachelor party and whatever other events are connected to this grand event.

HOWEVER, you were told one thing then another.  You have not been kept in the loop about finances, locations, planning, etc.  Be sure to emphasize your joy with being in the wedding and wanting to do your part with the other events. 

This is a woman that is going to be in your life - probably forever (even if they ever get divorced and I'm not hoping that they do).  I think you are well served to bite your tongue now and not add drama that may well follow you the rest of your life with your brother.  Again, tell her how excited you are to be part of this wonderful wedding.   

And I am NOT saying that anything is your fault, just saying you might want to hold your tongue with a pair of pliers and clear the air with your new SIL to be now so the future with your bro at least starts off peacefully.

I agree with this.

I think dropping out of the wedding party is the nuclear option. A last resort.

She left you an opening, that what she's hearing from you doesn't match w/ what she's hearing from other people

So FIRST talk to your brother. Tell him everything, in a non-accusatory way. Print out an email from the MOH if necessary. Tell him that you want him to know that your attitude is, "I'm exciting for you, happy in your choice of bride, was eager to be part of things--so eager that I sent my budget info to the MOH right away!"

Then tell him that you're going to sit down with his bride and explain these things to her as well, but that you wanted him to know straight from you.

Then call her--don't text, your instinct is right there--and say that you're concerned she's not hearing the same thing that you're saying, and that you don't want to communicate with her through a middleman. Can you meet?

Then say to her, "I'm happy for the wedding, and I don't want this unpleasantness and imprecision to sour things." Then lay out the timeline. Print out emails if necessary.

And tell her that no matter what someone else is deciding based on their communication with you, your own attitude, straight from you to her, is that you are happy about the wedding, willing to participate, bummed that the party was rescheduled so that you simply can't make it.

And then say, "I don't want to be where I'm not welcome. If these things, and my explanation, mean that me being in the wedding party is a negative thing, then I absolutely will step down, no hard feelings. You should be happy with your bridal party. If you can't be happy with having me in it, of course I should step out."

I agree with these two posts. I think dropping out at this stage will cause problems for a long time.

I'm leaning this way for now. It doesn't sound like, other than the text, there has been anything amiss with the SIL to be. I think it's possible the MOH has not communicated things accurately to the bride. I vote for a calm, positive conversation with the bride and groom as these PPs said.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: TootsNYC on April 30, 2013, 03:11:48 PM
Also, if the bride (or the MOH, or even your brother) starts to criticize you, choose your tone of voice carefully.

Be bewildered. Don't be defensive or argumentative.

Be confused--and ask a lot of questions.

But how can you be expected to attend a bachelorette party 4 hours away from where you are? How can the bachelorette party be ruined if you can't make it? aren't there other people? How can someone expect you to fork over even more money than you have already volunteered?

How can "not having more than $150 to pitch in for a bridal shower" be defined as "not caring"? Especially since you volunteered it before anyone even asked--doesn't that indicate that you're excited?

Why does your enthusiasm have to be measured in a monetary way?
But isn't this her wedding, not yours?

Everything you say in your defense should be a question. Sort of like, "Isn't this a fact? I guess I don't see how it's not true."
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: rigs32 on April 30, 2013, 03:12:51 PM
I completely agree that you need to have a sit down with bro and SIL-to-be.  If you just meet with her, I bet it turns into a she said, she said issue.  If you're all at the table, no one can spin what was said.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: JenJay on April 30, 2013, 03:36:48 PM
I understand why people are saying not to drop out yet. If you'd like to be in the wedding that's definitely the way to go!

My concern would be that this is just the beginning and the money and time demands will get worse. I mean, $250 for the shower venue? Being mad because you don't want to drive 8 hours to attend the bachelorette party? If there's a good chance you'll have to drop out eventually I think sooner is better than later because at least it won't be leaving her and the other women in the lurch.

I'd contact her and, to preserve the relationship, say "I've given it some thought and I feel terrible that I'm not able to contribute to the wedding as much as you need me to. Unfortunately my budget is tight and I truly can't afford to do more. I think it would be in everyone's best interest if I stepped down so that you can invite someone else to fill my spot."
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: WillyNilly on April 30, 2013, 03:57:03 PM
One big reason to not just drop out of the BP right away is, of 3 issues, two of them have been with the MOH, not the bride. The MOH is the one who ignored the budget email, and tried to plan a pricey shower. And the MOH is the one who informed the OP that the bachelorette location had changed (and presumably informed the bride the OP could not spend the night).

OP you will be related to this woman for years. She might be the parent of your nieces and nephews. She will be at holidays and if you get married, presumably at your wedding. She will be there when your family had hard times, like deaths, and good times, like weddings and births. Don't throw a wrench in that relationship over her friend, the MOH's, behavior.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Calistoga on April 30, 2013, 04:15:10 PM
One big reason to not just drop out of the BP right away is, of 3 issues, two of them have been with the MOH, not the bride. The MOH is the one who ignored the budget email, and tried to plan a pricey shower. And the MOH is the one who informed the OP that the bachelorette location had changed (and presumably informed the bride the OP could not spend the night).

OP you will be related to this woman for years. She might be the parent of your nieces and nephews. She will be at holidays and if you get married, presumably at your wedding. She will be there when your family had hard times, like deaths, and good times, like weddings and births. Don't throw a wrench in that relationship over her friend, the MOH's, behavior.

POD this. The bride is, most likely, getting bad information from her MOH and reacting based on that. She was kinda...ok, pretty, hateful when she spoke to you... but as she said, she's been hearing other stories from other people that aren't matching up. While it's sad that she's listening to these people instead of you, you might be able to fix that.

Instead of letting MOH act as a go between, try talking to the bride directly when possible. It should help to keep things from getting lost in translation. Of course this isn't always going to be possible, but in instances where you think MOH might twist things, talk to the bride as well.

Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Kaypeep on April 30, 2013, 04:49:36 PM
OP - I declined being in my brother's wedding party.  I just had my reasons, and I don't regret it at all.  I know my SIL was miffed, as was her mother and sister. (In their culture, it's unheard of to decline being a bridesmaid for family!)  But my point is that my SIL is a reasonable person.  She got over it and she can rely on my more than any of the 3 people who stood up with her that day.  It's just one day.  OP, you said you had a bad feeling from the start about her and she's proven you right.  I honestly think no matter what you do she will be unreasonable, ungrateful or just a general drama llama.  So while some of the PP's have some reasonable advice about trying to stay in the wedding party, I still say I think you should back out.  Save your sanity and the potential for more drama because I guarantee with this woman you are in a no-win situation.  And if I'm wrong, time will tell and you can still have a good relationship with her even if you weren't a bridesmaid.  This woman is joining your family and she's made no effort to be reasonable with you.  I don't think you should have to be the bigger person here and try to work things out with her and stay in the bridal party.  Back out and still treat her well in life from this day forward, because the wedding is one day but after that it's forever and it's the non-wedding days that will really prove everyone's metal.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: JenJay on April 30, 2013, 04:57:28 PM
The part that concerns me, with regard to staying in the wedding, is this:
"Literally 20 minutes later, my brother's fiance texted me a novel chewing me out. She said that I didn't give a sh*t about her wedding and that I've had issues with it from the beginning. That I was not contributing enough and that if it was "my best friend's or sister's wedding, I would be spending more time and money to make sure everything was perfect". I responded in an adult manner stating that I have NO idea where she got that impression from and I was really taken aback by her text. I also told her that if she has a problem with me, then please call me instead of texing and I would be happy to have a conversation with her. She just replied back that what I was telling her wasn't matching up with what "she's been hearing from others" and that she doesn't believe I've been trying hard enough."

I can cut the bride a lot of slack if she had received bad information, called OP, and said "Hey, what's going on? I'm hearing that you don't want to participate in the pre-wedding stuff. Is everything okay?" To text someone a curse-filled rant is way over the top, in my opinion. I wouldn't appreciate that she'd just blithely accept a 3rd party's nasty account of what I hadn't been doing and then turned around and ripped into me over it.

I probably would give it one more chance. Sit down with her and my brother in person and say "Let's lay all the cards on the table here. This is what I can afford, period. I can put it towards the shower or the dress or whatever you want but that's all I've got. I can also attend This function and That one but unfortunately I'll be 4 hours away during the bachelorette and can't make it. If you need your wedding party to contribute more I completely understand and I'll step down so that someone else can do that for you."

If that still wasn't good enough I'd absolutely get out of there as quickly and as diplomatically as possible. I wouldn't worry that stepping down would irrevocably damage our relationship forever because, in all honesty, if somebody needs me to be at their beck and call or else then we're not going to have a good relationship anyway. Might as well get that sorted out right from the beginning.  ;)
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Just Lori on April 30, 2013, 05:10:32 PM
To the OP - if you're not ready to step down, then I suggest putting the ball squarely into her court.  Ask her, "What do you want me to do?"  This often puts the accuser off-balance, because she wants you to grovel and beg for forgiveness.  If she says, "I want you to go along with everything MOH wants to do for the wedding," you have an opportunity to say that perhaps it's best that you step down now and let her choose another bridesmaid who has the means to fulfill that request.  If she says she wants you to come to the bachelorette party, you put her words back to her - "You want me to drive four hours during my vacation and four hours back in one day?  If I weren't on vacation, I would be happy to make the trip.  I would be happy to pitch in some money for the festivities and be there in spirit."

As far as what's being said about the OP, how about saying, "Please feel free to ask me to clarify or confirm anything I supposedly said.  I'd love to talk about this."  Again, the responsibility is back on her to have an adult conversation, rather than a middle school squabble.

Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: lovepickles on April 30, 2013, 06:07:11 PM
I would not involve your brother unless he specifically approaches you. I can respect that some posters would be unwilling to pull themselves out of the wedding entirely but I would not endure it after her abusive and ill-informed texts. She is indicating that she is emotionally unstable and putting up with it for the sake of a future relationship is just going to set a precedent for the rest of the time you know her. Stop the madness.

Dear "X". Thank you for the opportunity to be your bridesmaid. I appreciate the thought. Unfortunately I will not be able to perform these duties. I wish you the best of luck. I look forward to attending and celebrating your big day! Love, Me.

Get her a decent gift and allow her to say and think whatever she pleases without your involvement. I'm not a fan of explanations or apologies in a situation like this. Just a simple polite decline. I wouldn't give this woman ANYTHING to dig little hooks into and assign further blame. Once her bridezilla with you wears off I'm sure she'll turn to something else.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: KristinS81 on April 30, 2013, 06:08:07 PM
Thanks guys for all your opinions and advice. I really needed this because it's been driving me nuts and I have found myself questioning "Is it me?!". There could have been many things she could have done to make this easier- She could have won me over if she would just have picked up the phone and had a mature conversation with me. I did play it "dumb" with my text back, because honestly, I had no idea what she was talking about. I even asked her to cite specifics so I could understand her point of view. She never did and just kept giving rude, vague answers. I also told her that since she is going to be my SIL, I would hope that she would give me the benefit of the doubt and ASK me, rather than believe rumors from others or whatever ideas she created in her own head.
My brother's fiance is also trying to take him for his money. I know this, and I can see this. I know their finances is none of my business, but when she showed me the mini-mansion she wants him to buy, my mouth practically dropped on the floor! They make no where enough to afford that. Again, it is none of my business and my brother is a big boy that needs to grow a pair. It's just that I gathered that she is VERY materialistic, so I'm sure this drama isn't just the MOH by herself. I did talk to my brother- I told him 98% of the story because he looked like he had his tail between his legs, and I've never seen my bro like this. He apologized for her behavior, but I told him that she needs to be a big girl and talk to me directly.
The shower is this Sunday, so I think I'm just going to see what the "vibes" are once I get there and then make my decision about remaining in the bridal party. I'm NOT going to the b-party, but I am going to wait until after the shower to tell SIL, so there won't be any drama this weekend. Lord, I'm going to have to bring my flask!  :P
Passive-agressive behavior, especially over technology drives me bat-sh*t crazy!!
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: TootsNYC on April 30, 2013, 06:24:54 PM
(FYI, that's not "passive-aggressive" behavior, because there's nothing passive about it. That's "selfish aggressive" or "falsely wounded aggressive.")
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: JenJay on April 30, 2013, 06:37:29 PM
It sounds like the two of you don't care for each other and her asking/your accepting was maybe a formality for your brother's sake. It's time to call her and be upfront about how much time & money you can contribute and see if she's going to accept that or have you step down. The back and forth will only get uglier.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: rain on April 30, 2013, 06:37:36 PM
Well let me be the dissenting vote here...don't back out of being in the wedding.

Have a sit down (perhaps lunch) with the BTB.  Explain how excited you are to be in the bridal party and you had certainly planned on participating in the shower, bachelor party and whatever other events are connected to this grand event.

HOWEVER, you were told one thing then another.  You have not been kept in the loop about finances, locations, planning, etc.  Be sure to emphasize your joy with being in the wedding and wanting to do your part with the other events. 

This is a woman that is going to be in your life - probably forever (even if they ever get divorced and I'm not hoping that they do).  I think you are well served to bite your tongue now and not add drama that may well follow you the rest of your life with your brother.  Again, tell her how excited you are to be part of this wonderful wedding.   

And I am NOT saying that anything is your fault, just saying you might want to hold your tongue with a pair of pliers and clear the air with your new SIL to be now so the future with your bro at least starts off peacefully.

I agree with this.

I think dropping out of the wedding party is the nuclear option. A last resort.

She left you an opening, that what she's hearing from you doesn't match w/ what she's hearing from other people

So FIRST talk to your brother. Tell him everything, in a non-accusatory way. Print out an email from the MOH if necessary. Tell him that you want him to know that your attitude is, "I'm exciting for you, happy in your choice of bride, was eager to be part of things--so eager that I sent my budget info to the MOH right away!"

Then tell him that you're going to sit down with his bride and explain these things to her as well, but that you wanted him to know straight from you.

Then call her--don't text, your instinct is right there--and say that you're concerned she's not hearing the same thing that you're saying, and that you don't want to communicate with her through a middleman. Can you meet?

Then say to her, "I'm happy for the wedding, and I don't want this unpleasantness and imprecision to sour things." Then lay out the timeline. Print out emails if necessary.

And tell her that no matter what someone else is deciding based on their communication with you, your own attitude, straight from you to her, is that you are happy about the wedding, willing to participate, bummed that the party was rescheduled so that you simply can't make it.

And then say, "I don't want to be where I'm not welcome. If these things, and my explanation, mean that me being in the wedding party is a negative thing, then I absolutely will step down, no hard feelings. You should be happy with your bridal party. If you can't be happy with having me in it, of course I should step out."


I agree with Toots & Redneck Gravy
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: LeveeWoman on April 30, 2013, 06:42:54 PM
Thanks guys for all your opinions and advice. I really needed this because it's been driving me nuts and I have found myself questioning "Is it me?!". There could have been many things she could have done to make this easier- She could have won me over if she would just have picked up the phone and had a mature conversation with me. I did play it "dumb" with my text back, because honestly, I had no idea what she was talking about. I even asked her to cite specifics so I could understand her point of view. She never did and just kept giving rude, vague answers. I also told her that since she is going to be my SIL, I would hope that she would give me the benefit of the doubt and ASK me, rather than believe rumors from others or whatever ideas she created in her own head.
My brother's fiance is also trying to take him for his money. I know this, and I can see this. I know their finances is none of my business, but when she showed me the mini-mansion she wants him to buy, my mouth practically dropped on the floor! They make no where enough to afford that. Again, it is none of my business and my brother is a big boy that needs to grow a pair. It's just that I gathered that she is VERY materialistic, so I'm sure this drama isn't just the MOH by herself. I did talk to my brother- I told him 98% of the story because he looked like he had his tail between his legs, and I've never seen my bro like this. He apologized for her behavior, but I told him that she needs to be a big girl and talk to me directly.
The shower is this Sunday, so I think I'm just going to see what the "vibes" are once I get there and then make my decision about remaining in the bridal party. I'm NOT going to the b-party, but I am going to wait until after the shower to tell SIL, so there won't be any drama this weekend. Lord, I'm going to have to bring my flask!  :P
Passive-agressive behavior, especially over technology drives me bat-sh*t crazy!!

This sounds like a good plan.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: *inviteseller on April 30, 2013, 06:47:20 PM
It does sound like you got an invite into the bridal party just because you are grooms sister.  They want you to do more, but they don't include you in any planning, just send you a bill and expect you to be fine with it (again $250 a person????  where the heck is this shower?  Buckingham Palace???)  I don't think it is going to get any better...in fact it is going to get worse (and more expensive) as the wedding gets closer and more demands are made.  I still say graciously pull out now.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: YummyMummy66 on April 30, 2013, 07:27:24 PM
I don't think you should just back out of the wedding.

Does your brother and his fiancee live close to you? 

What I would do is go over when you know they are both home and talk to both of them at the same time.

This way, the fiancee' cannot say that you said anything you did not say.

Start out, "Mike, I wanted to come over and talk to both of you because there seems to be some confusion and I do not want to start your wedding off with hurt feelings.  Mindy, as far as the b-party, here is the deal.  I had already planned and booked my vacation way before you booked your party. I am sorry, but since you changed your venue, I simply cannot make it.  It has nothing to do with you personally. I would have loved to attend and I hope you have  a great time!"

You stated in your text that you have been hearing things.  Can we discuss those things now so that I can dispell any myths or untruths that someone is apparently spreading?  I am here to talk to you in person and I hope that as my future SIL that we can always discuss things between ourselves and not automatically believe what someone else is saying.

Put the ball in her court in front of your brother. This way, she cannot say that you did this or that, because he can always say, "well, did you hear it from her mouth?  Remember that talk way back when?"
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: gmatoy on April 30, 2013, 07:41:42 PM
OP, you've gotten a lot of good suggestions and advice. One of the things I really appreciate on this forum is the variety of advice and the reasons that posters give for their advice. I just wanted you to be aware of the fact that some of our members are not female. And, in my opinion, they often give advice that is spot-on! So, you might not want to limit your audience to just "Ladies" in the future!
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: KristinS81 on April 30, 2013, 07:51:45 PM
OP, you've gotten a lot of good suggestions and advice. One of the things I really appreciate on this forum is the variety of advice and the reasons that posters give for their advice. I just wanted you to be aware of the fact that some of our members are not female. And, in my opinion, they often give advice that is spot-on! So, you might not want to limit your audience to just "Ladies" in the future!

I have, indeed! I did just figure out half way through that it's not just ladie- Haha! My apologies- Thanks ladies AND gentlemen!  ;)
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Autumn Rose on April 30, 2013, 09:09:32 PM
You have a choice.     one that will reflect on you the rest of his married life.  (and possibly beyond)

if you drop out....you will have "chose NOT to be in the wedding"...and no matter what...the blame will lie with you.   

if you do what she wishes....that gives her carte Blanche to run all over you.

begin this relationship as you would like to see it 10 years from now.
respectful.   Loving.   Boundary setting.

do the best you can do for your brother and sil.  Politely explain your position. 

But do not place yourself in a bad situation to accomodAte their demands.

If at all possible...make it a win win..

Otherwise....smile...be polite...and love them from afar. 
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: gramma dishes on April 30, 2013, 09:23:18 PM

...   I probably would give it one more chance. Sit down with her and my brother in person and say "Let's lay all the cards on the table here. This is what I can afford, period. I can put it towards the shower or the dress or whatever you want but that's all I've got. I can also attend This function and That one but unfortunately I'll be 4 hours away during the bachelorette and can't make it. If you need your wedding party to contribute more I completely understand and I'll step down so that someone else can do that for you."    ...



I like this. 

It lays on the line what you're willing and able to do and what you simply cannot do and it includes them both.  It puts the ball in their court.  Your decision as to what to do next will depend on the reaction of your brother and the BTB.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: zyrs on April 30, 2013, 10:42:41 PM
I don't think you should just back out of the wedding.

Does your brother and his fiancee live close to you? 

What I would do is go over when you know they are both home and talk to both of them at the same time.

This way, the fiancee' cannot say that you said anything you did not say.

Start out, "Mike, I wanted to come over and talk to both of you because there seems to be some confusion and I do not want to start your wedding off with hurt feelings.  Mindy, as far as the b-party, here is the deal.  I had already planned and booked my vacation way before you booked your party. I am sorry, but since you changed your venue, I simply cannot make it.  It has nothing to do with you personally. I would have loved to attend and I hope you have  a great time!"

You stated in your text that you have been hearing things.  Can we discuss those things now so that I can dispel any myths or untruths that someone is apparently spreading?  I am here to talk to you in person and I hope that as my future SIL that we can always discuss things between ourselves and not automatically believe what someone else is saying.

Put the ball in her court in front of your brother. This way, she cannot say that you did this or that, because he can always say, "well, did you hear it from her mouth?  Remember that talk way back when?"

I think this is a great idea.

You take out the "she said - she said" nonsense.  You show her you are a good relative and you model behavior that your brother may need to learn.  Win-win.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: LifeOnPluto on April 30, 2013, 10:48:23 PM
Just out of curiousity, did you show your brother the abusive text from his Bride-to-Be? (Because that's what it was, full of nasty accusations and swear-words - an abusive text).

If so, how did your brother react?

I know that if my fiance ever treated my sibling like that, I'd be seriously re-considering the engagement.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: finecabernet on April 30, 2013, 11:10:59 PM
Unfortunately you are in a complete no-win situation. 20 years ago I participated in my brother's wedding. I did everything asked, paid all money required, and was not included in anything (dress choice, bridal shower, bachelorette, getting dressed before the wedding...absolutely nothing). I shrugged it off, put a big smile on my face...and years later was accused of being "horrible" to my SIL at said wedding (no specifics of "horrible" behavior given).

I have no words of wisdom except to say that it is not you. I'd say go with what your heart says, because unfortunately MOH for  whatever reason has thrown you under a bus, and SIL doesn't sound like she wants your side of the story. So stay true to what you want (and remember...it is NOT YOU!).
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Geekychick1984 on May 01, 2013, 06:12:54 AM
If she keeps treating you like this, I agree with others who say opting out of the bridal party is best.  Yes, she will be family, but that doesn't mean she has more leeway to be abusive.  I think it's absurd that she (and/or MOH) is demanding so much from you and treating you so badly. 
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: KristinS81 on May 01, 2013, 07:35:29 AM
Just out of curiousity, did you show your brother the abusive text from his Bride-to-Be? (Because that's what it was, full of nasty accusations and swear-words - an abusive text).

If so, how did your brother react?

I know that if my fiance ever treated my sibling like that, I'd be seriously re-considering the engagement.

I did talk to my brother, but he already looked upset and sad about the situation so I didn't show him. I do have all texts and emails saved, which I will show him if things get progressively worse. I didn't know I needed to prepare for a court case by saving all these documents...  :D
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: hyzenthlay on May 01, 2013, 10:27:04 PM
I would forward all the texts to my brother, tell him that brides are under a huge amount of stress, you don't intend to hold onto any grudges of any kind, but that to avoid any problems of any kind you are going to back out of the wedding.

Tell him you will always always always be as close to him as you can, but that at this time you feel it best to maintain a little distance between yourself and the bride.

And DO NOT let him gripe or express any concerns to you about anything else. If he needs someone to talk to, send him to a premarital counselor.
Title: Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
Post by: Winterlight on May 02, 2013, 08:38:08 AM
I don't think you should just back out of the wedding.

Does your brother and his fiancee live close to you? 

What I would do is go over when you know they are both home and talk to both of them at the same time.

This way, the fiancee' cannot say that you said anything you did not say.

Start out, "Mike, I wanted to come over and talk to both of you because there seems to be some confusion and I do not want to start your wedding off with hurt feelings.  Mindy, as far as the b-party, here is the deal.  I had already planned and booked my vacation way before you booked your party. I am sorry, but since you changed your venue, I simply cannot make it.  It has nothing to do with you personally. I would have loved to attend and I hope you have  a great time!"

You stated in your text that you have been hearing things.  Can we discuss those things now so that I can dispell any myths or untruths that someone is apparently spreading?  I am here to talk to you in person and I hope that as my future SIL that we can always discuss things between ourselves and not automatically believe what someone else is saying.

Put the ball in her court in front of your brother. This way, she cannot say that you did this or that, because he can always say, "well, did you hear it from her mouth?  Remember that talk way back when?"

This. I'd hold off on dropping out now- first talk to them and lay it on the line.