Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: Knitterly on May 04, 2013, 08:56:32 AM

Title: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Knitterly on May 04, 2013, 08:56:32 AM
Awwwwwwwwwwwkwaaaaard!!!!

Good friend Annie is preggers.  Like, really really pregnant, full term, ready to pop.  Because "full-term" coincides with May the Fourth (Star Wars day) and Annie and her husband Bob are huge geek-fans (I say this lovingly as I am likewise a huge geek-fan), Bob decided he wanted to do a party for Annie.  One last big fun thing before bebeh arrives.

Bob and Annie have a teeny tiny, itty bitty little house.

I knew nothing of the party.  Until Yesterday.  I ran into our good friend Carrie, who casually mentioned as we were about to part that "I'll be seeing you tomorrow at Annie's party, right?"
er... her say what now?
Carrie was sure that I was invited.  I knew nothing of the party.  I told Carrie that I was sure it wasn't meant meanly, but that I wouldn't be going.  I didn't want to crash something that I was sure I wasn't invited to (and not maliciously not invited to - Carrie is closer to Annie than I am and like I said, teeny tiny house).
I got a call from our good friend Dory this morning.  Dory had something for little knit and wanted to know if she'd be seeing me at Annie's tonight.  I said no, as I hadn't gotten an invite and didn't feel right just showing up. 

Apparently the invite was a facebook thing, so I checked facebook.  It wasn't in my events list as something I was invited to.  It wasn't even in Annie's or Carrie's events list, nor was it a "recommended event" (events that one or more friends are attending show up as 'recommended events - I hate this feature in facebook), meaning that Bob had made it a private event and I was truly not invited.

Please note; I am not at all offended or wounded about not being invited.  It doesn't bother me at all.  Teeny tiny house and lots of friends - the line has to be drawn somewhere, and I suspected strongly that the line was originally at those friends who are close to both Annie and Bob (I only know Bob in passing as Annie's husband) and had been gradually pushed outwards as one person mentioned it to another.

So after getting off the phone with Dory, apparently Dory called Annie to find out if I'd been invited or not.  I think she made it sound like I was hurt, as Annie just emailed me tripping over herself with apologies for not inviting me, extending an invite, and explaining (as I'd originally assumed) that the reason I hadn't been originally invited was that Bob had originally invited only a handful of mutual friends.  Carrie mentioned it to Dory, so Annie felt like she had to invite Dory. 

Annie has extended an invite to me, because "of course I love you and want you to be there".

Now, I'd like to go, but I feel kind of awkward.

Heeeeeellllllp!!!
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Hmmmmm on May 04, 2013, 09:05:28 AM
I would not go. They created a guest list and have now been guilted into expanding it.

Your statement that "you didn't feel right just showing up" implied a desire to attend which is probably why she thought you could be upset.

I recommend in the future just stating "no, I won't be there, but hope you have a great time." If pushed, you can say you have another commitment. I think bringing up that you weren't invited calls attention to the questioner's blunder and creates an uncomfortable situation for all.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: kckgirl on May 04, 2013, 09:06:12 AM
Stay home and spend time with her another day.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Knitterly on May 04, 2013, 09:08:35 AM
Any suggestions on how to reply to Annie to let her know that I appreciate it but understand?

Should I reply by email or make a phone call?
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: wheeitsme on May 04, 2013, 09:11:25 AM
I think the best gift you can give at this point is an "I totally understand (small house/lots of friends/hubs inviting), I am not upset, and while I would love to come I'm going to respect your hubs invite list - maybe next time?"  And I bet the hubs will definitely think well of you and want to see more of you.  ;)
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: NyaChan on May 04, 2013, 09:21:22 AM
I'd reply to her email to respond.  Changing mediums might give the impression that it is more important than it actually is to you.  And man that would irritate me if my friends put me (and the host) in that position!  Wording...still thinking...
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Hmmmmm on May 04, 2013, 09:32:32 AM
Any suggestions on how to reply to Annie to let her know that I appreciate it but understand?

Should I reply by email or make a phone call?
I'd just respond back "Thanks for the invitation but I can't make it tonight. And no worries about the late invite. I hope Dory didn't make it sound like I was upset. Have a good time."
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Shoo on May 04, 2013, 09:35:56 AM
Any suggestions on how to reply to Annie to let her know that I appreciate it but understand?

Should I reply by email or make a phone call?
I'd just respond back "Thanks for the invitation but I can't make it tonight. And no worries about the late invite. I hope Dory didn't make it sound like I was upset. Have a good time."

I agree with this.  Keep it light and nonchalant.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: finecabernet on May 04, 2013, 09:51:34 AM
I'd say you should go if you can since the damage is already done, but make it a very brief stop and drop off food or wine or something. That would ease Annie's guilt, and also ease the awkwardness for you.

That's the danger of Facebook invites!
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Perfect Circle on May 04, 2013, 10:19:30 AM
I really do not think you should go. You were clearly invited only because someone else laid on the guilt.
Just decline politely.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: JenJay on May 04, 2013, 10:19:54 AM
I would call because tone often gets lost in text/email. I would say "Hey, please don't worry, I promise I wasn't upset about the party!! I'm not sure how it got back to you that I was but somebody was mistaken. I know you're due literally any day and I think Bob is being extremely thoughtful to keep the party small for you. We'll get together another time, no biggie, okay?" Give her a minute to respond then make a little small talk about something else. I bet she'll love you forever for being so understanding. Carrie and Dory, however, may find themselves excluded from the next intimate gathering.  ::)
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: *inviteseller on May 04, 2013, 10:22:52 AM
I wouldn't go,(hate forced invites)  but I would make sure the host and hostess knew I was ok with not getting invited and you weren't fishing for an invite .  It put both you and the host's in an awkward position for someone (who seems to not be originally invited themselves) to fish for an invitation for you.  I wouldn't email either, the phone will better convey that you are ok  with everything. 
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: TootsNYC on May 04, 2013, 10:26:00 AM
Any suggestions on how to reply to Annie to let her know that I appreciate it but understand?

Should I reply by email or make a phone call?
I'd just respond back "Thanks for the invitation but I can't make it tonight. And no worries about the late invite. I hope Dory didn't make it sound like I was upset. Have a good time."

I like this.

A phone call could be okay as well, bcs you have so much more nuance since you can use tone of voice. But it might make it into a bigger thing that it needs to be.

But I also might say to Dory later, "I wish you hadn't said something to Annie--It really put me in an awkward spot. It made me look like I was fishing for an invitation, and then I had to worry about offending her. It's best just to leave those sorts of things alone and not try to add people to someone else's guest list. Everybody doesn't get invited to everything."


Someone in your spot might be better to say, if they can, "Oh, no, I'm busy" instead of "I wasn't invited."
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: ccnumber4 on May 04, 2013, 10:45:50 AM
Any suggestions on how to reply to Annie to let her know that I appreciate it but understand?

Should I reply by email or make a phone call?
I'd just respond back "Thanks for the invitation but I can't make it tonight. And no worries about the late invite. I hope Dory didn't make it sound like I was upset. Have a good time."

I wouldn't say this.  It wasn't a late invite.  You were not invited.  It was a guilt invite because the host was put in a very awkward position and felt like she had to.  Just say "It's fine, don't worry about it!  Have a great time!" and decline the "invitation".  Calling it a "late invite" implies that not only should you have been invited, but that you are also upset by the lateness of it.  She told you that she only invited Dory because Carrie had mentioned it to her and she felt like she had to.  I think it's reasonable to assume that she feels the same about you. 
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Honeypickle on May 04, 2013, 10:50:57 AM
Don't go. You were not invited. Thank them anyway but say you'd love to see them another time (after the baby is born, when the dust settles).
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: artk2002 on May 04, 2013, 10:55:31 AM
I would not go. I would, however, throw Dory under this particular bus. "Oh, I think Dory misunderstood. I'm not upset at all and certainly wasn't fishing for an invitation. I'm afraid she overstepped a bit by calling you and telling you that I was. Why don't I take you out to lunch in a week or so? I'd love to see you!"
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: citadelle on May 04, 2013, 11:50:30 AM
I agree strongly with others that you should not go. I would respond to her email with a very light and positive response tat could not be twisted into sounding PA or hurt. Something like:

Thanks so much! I can't come, but I know you'll have a great night. Let's get together soon!
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: gramma dishes on May 04, 2013, 12:15:04 PM
... "I totally understand (small house/lots of friends/hubs inviting), I am not upset, and while I would love to come I'm going to respect your hubs invite list - maybe next time?" 

I kind of like this one.  It lets her know that you'd honestly have liked to have been invited, but that you fully understand why you weren't and that there are absolutely no hard feelings whatsoever.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Zilla on May 04, 2013, 12:17:12 PM
Any suggestions on how to reply to Annie to let her know that I appreciate it but understand?

Should I reply by email or make a phone call?
I'd just respond back "Thanks for the invitation but I can't make it tonight. And no worries about the late invite. I hope Dory didn't make it sound like I was upset. Have a good time."


I like this one as well.  And especially finding out that Dory too is a late invite as well.  That's super awkward that the one that didn't get invited brought along yet another one.  Yikes!
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Knitterly on May 04, 2013, 12:19:28 PM
I emailed and said basically:
"Hey, thanks for letting me know about this.  Please don't worry, I wasn't hurt at all. 
I completely understand needing to keep things small.  Please do not feel an obligation to make the guest list bigger just because someone else said something.  I was planning on having people over next weekend or the weekend after, so if you're still waiting on baby, maybe we can see each other then. :) 
And for goodness sake, don't be sorry. ;)  I really hope it wasn't communicated that I was hurt or offended in any way.  Both Dory and Carrie said something in passing about it and I assumed from the beginning that this was probably a case of a guest list growing out of control.  That tends to happen.  Often."

So then Annie called me to tell me that a bunch of people have cancelled and not as many people are coming, and please come.

So I'm going to go. 
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: gramma dishes on May 04, 2013, 12:29:58 PM
Glad to hear the problem has resolved itself (and I think your message to her was worded perfectly).
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: citadelle on May 04, 2013, 12:33:29 PM
Glad to hear the problem has resolved itself (and I think your message to her was worded perfectly).
Honestly, I still wouldn't go. Not out of pique, but because you can't be sure that she didn't feel pressured, even though she said she didn't.

Obviously, you know the person and the  situation better than I do, but since you asked, that is my opinion.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Allyson on May 04, 2013, 12:44:13 PM
After your last update, I would go too. It's very likely true, about people cancelling, if I know events like this. If she hadn't asked twice I'd not have gone, but it sounds like she would genuinely like to have you there. I am a fan of taking people at their word, and while I do pay attention if it sounds like someone was pressured, she really didn't have to issue the second invitation here. And honestly it could be weird either way, if you don't go and then she feels like you wanted to go and were being polite, and you feel she was only being polite, and it turns even more awkward.

So I'd go, and if it looks like she wasn't telling the truth about the cancellations (super crowded) then I'd make my excuses, saying I didn't feel well or something. I've been in a similar situation, where someone else finds out I'm not invited to something and tries to figure out why, in the process sounding like it's me upset the situation. I understand people are trying to be helpful, but it puts everyone in a weird situation.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: MariaE on May 04, 2013, 01:18:40 PM
Glad to hear the problem has resolved itself (and I think your message to her was worded perfectly).

Agree on both accounts.

With the update, I'd go :)
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: TootsNYC on May 04, 2013, 03:27:53 PM
After your last update, I would go too. It's very likely true, about people cancelling, if I know events like this. If she hadn't asked twice I'd not have gone, but it sounds like she would genuinely like to have you there. I am a fan of taking people at their word, and while I do pay attention if it sounds like someone was pressured, she really didn't have to issue the second invitation here. And honestly it could be weird either way, if you don't go and then she feels like you wanted to go and were being polite, and you feel she was only being polite, and it turns even more awkward.

So I'd go, and if it looks like she wasn't telling the truth about the cancellations (super crowded) then I'd make my excuses, saying I didn't feel well or something. I've been in a similar situation, where someone else finds out I'm not invited to something and tries to figure out why, in the process sounding like it's me upset the situation. I understand people are trying to be helpful, but it puts everyone in a weird situation.

Ditto. I totally agree.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: VorFemme on May 04, 2013, 08:25:46 PM
Perhaps the phrasing would be, "I didn't get an invitation AND I already have plans for that *time & date*, so I wouldn't have been able to go!"

Then sit back with a glass of wine, a good book, and your feet up while enjoying your "plans".......

If you need time for yourself, you need time for yourself (says someone who took a three hour nap today and wonders why she used to fight naps when she was a child - at 55, they are much more fun than they were at 5, I don't know why).

Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: sparksals on May 04, 2013, 11:14:55 PM
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations. 
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Deetee on May 05, 2013, 12:19:10 AM
With the update I agree with going and having a great time. I think your original email was perfect too. I'm a big fan of people just accepting that everything includes everyone. I'm also a fan of taking people at their word.

I host a lot. ( just had dinner for seven including two spur of the moment invites) but I don't host everyone all the time and neither do my friends and family.  If I invite someone is because I want them there. It sometimes is that simple.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: sammycat on May 05, 2013, 12:35:56 AM
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

I agree.  I'd feel incredibly awkward being there.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: MariaE on May 05, 2013, 12:47:39 AM
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

I don't mind being party filler  ;D I know it's not etiqually correct, but knowing I've been invited as a B list doesn't bother me in cases like this one where the fact that I'm on a B list makes perfect sense.

Being party filler (or B listed) doesn't mean that the host doesn't genuinely want you there, so it wouldn't make me feel awkward at all.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: LifeOnPluto on May 05, 2013, 02:22:20 AM
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

Normally, I'd agree, but I think this situation is a bit different.

It sounds like originally, it was going to be a small party for Anne and Bob's "couple friends" (ie friends who know both Anne and Bob equally well). Now several of those friends can't make it, so they're expanding their guest list to include people who are close to Anna only.

I agree that mentioning the cancellations was a little clumsy on Anne's part, but I think she genuinely wants the OP there, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered calling her.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Roe on May 05, 2013, 06:52:01 AM
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

Pod.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: iridaceae on May 05, 2013, 07:15:33 AM
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

Pod.

Except Knitterly was fine with not being invited as *it made total sense to her*.  She's not offended so why be for her?
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: BarensMom on May 05, 2013, 09:33:10 AM
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

Pod.

Except Knitterly was fine with not being invited as *it made total sense to her*.  She's not offended so why be for her?

Me, I wouldn't go, especially after the update.  If someone doesn't want me there from the get-go, I would feel uncomfortable attending as a "B-list" or "filler" guest.  This sort of last-minute invitation has happened to me many times and after a few times of going and being treated like a gate-crasher, I now decline.

However, Knitterly knows her friends, and if she thinks they really want her there...
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: NyaChan on May 05, 2013, 10:01:35 AM
I wouldn't go.  Personally, I would just feel a little uncomfortable knowing that the host's first preference would be for me not to be present. 
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Perfect Circle on May 05, 2013, 10:06:54 AM
I wouldn't go.  Personally, I would just feel a little uncomfortable knowing that the host's first preference would be for me not to be present.

I agree. If I wasn't invited in the first place I would not go as it is clear I wasn't originally wanted.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: MariaE on May 05, 2013, 10:14:07 AM
I wouldn't go.  Personally, I would just feel a little uncomfortable knowing that the host's first preference would be for me not to be present.

I don't think that's entirely fair. The host's first preference wasn't for the OP not to attend, there just wasn't room enough for the guestlist to extend to her. It wasn't a preference for the OP not to attend but a higher preference for somebody else to attend instead.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: gramma dishes on May 05, 2013, 10:17:54 AM
Also the original guest list was made up by the husband, not the guest of honor.  I think he invited people he knew best.  It sounds like his wife would really like to have her there and that had she been the one to issue the invitations, Knitterly would have been invited --  on the "A" list. 
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Allyson on May 05, 2013, 12:33:53 PM
The A-List/B-List thing is interesting, and I think it might really depend on the group dynamics. If a friend called me up and said 'Hey, I had some people cancel for Event X, are you interested?' I wouldn't be insulted at all, and in fact have had some great experiences that way. For me, the two thoughts 'not everyone gets invited to every event, it's not insulting if you're not invited' overrides 'they didn't really want me there'. I am sure there are certain circumstances in which I'd feel uncomfortable, or like I was only being invited cause they felt they 'had' to, but the simple fact of not being on the 'first' list wouldn't do it.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: gramma dishes on May 05, 2013, 12:39:38 PM
...    If a friend called me up and said 'Hey, I had some people cancel for Event X, are you interested?' I wouldn't be insulted at all   ...

Given the circumstances you indicate, I totally agree with you.

But that's not quite exactly what happened here.  What happened to spur this secondary invitation was the fact that someone ELSE had pointed out to one of the hosts that Knitterly hadn't been invited and had implied that her feelings were hurt by that.

In this case, that wasn't true.  She was okay with having not been invited and as I said in an earlier post, I suspect the true guest of honor really did want her there.  But it's that third party influence that under "normal" circumstances would make me decline.  Then I would feel that the hosts felt pressured to invite me.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Allyson on May 05, 2013, 12:47:09 PM
You're right, gramma dishes! I think in this specific instance I would not feel weird going, but in others, I definitely would. I was thinking more about how many people, in general, wouldn't want to go if they felt they were a last-minute or secondary invitation, which isn't the case for me or my friends. I would definitely feel uncomfortable if I felt I wasn't wanted--I just might have a higher bar for feeling 'not wanted'.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: NyaChan on May 05, 2013, 02:36:41 PM
I wouldn't go.  Personally, I would just feel a little uncomfortable knowing that the host's first preference would be for me not to be present.

I don't think that's entirely fair. The host's first preference wasn't for the OP not to attend, there just wasn't room enough for the guestlist to extend to her. It wasn't a preference for the OP not to attend but a higher preference for somebody else to attend instead.

I think it was though, because if the party had gone exactly as the host - the husband, not the GoH - wanted, OP would not have been invited.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Bijou on May 05, 2013, 04:47:17 PM
I wouldn't go.  Personally, I would just feel a little uncomfortable knowing that the host's first preference would be for me not to be present.

I don't think that's entirely fair. The host's first preference wasn't for the OP not to attend, there just wasn't room enough for the guestlist to extend to her. It wasn't a preference for the OP not to attend but a higher preference for somebody else to attend instead.

I think it was though, because if the party had gone exactly as the host - the husband, not the GoH - wanted, OP would not have been invited.
I have to agree with you.   I would be very uncomfortable.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: mlogica on May 05, 2013, 04:49:44 PM
The A-List/B-List thing is interesting, and I think it might really depend on the group dynamics. If a friend called me up and said 'Hey, I had some people cancel for Event X, are you interested?' I wouldn't be insulted at all, and in fact have had some great experiences that way. For me, the two thoughts 'not everyone gets invited to every event, it's not insulting if you're not invited' overrides 'they didn't really want me there'. I am sure there are certain circumstances in which I'd feel uncomfortable, or like I was only being invited cause they felt they 'had' to, but the simple fact of not being on the 'first' list wouldn't do it.
This kind of sums up my feelings/opinion on the situation.

Thinking of how such a thing would play out in my own life:  DH and I are both runners and socially we are part of a large group of other runners.  By "large group" I mean 50 or 60 people.  Within that group, it is inevitable that everyone is not equally friends with everyone else, and that smaller groups form whose members have closer ties to each other.  Also, it is possible for individuals to have closest ties to the individuals in their "main" group, but also have pretty strong ties to individuals in other groups.  Things tend to ebb and flow, depending on who is training for what race (and therefore who is running together), who shows up on the standard run dates (generally Wednesday evening and Sunday morning), who stays around to socialize after running, etc.

So it is not unusual that several people I know well, who are members of my "main group", might be invited to a social event hosted by someone in another group who I know pretty well but am not as close to.  Because they know the host better than I do.  Especially since the 50 or 60 people I mentioned above do not necessarily include spouses - so with spouses the entire group easily approaches 100 people.

DH and I don't feel slighted if we're not invited to one of these events, and we don't feel like the host doesn't want us there.  We just appreciate the numbers involved.  And we attend group events where the reverse is true.  So if I were to hear that Kathie ("other group" member who I know well, but not as well as my main group members) is giving a party, and Susan (main group member who runs with Kathie once a week) and her DH are going, but we're not invited, my feelings aren't hurt.  With the given group dynamics, it makes sense.  And therefore if I were to hear from Kathie something like, "Hey, we're having a party on Saturday night, I know it's a little last minute but if you guys are free we hope you can be there", my assumption would be that they had fewer super-close friends attending and room for people from the broader running social circle.  And if we were free, we would go and feel no awkwardness at all.

So that was kind of a long way of saying that it really depends on the particular group dynamics and how they are perceived/understood by everyone involved.  And there can be many subtleties, especially if a given social group is large and it's just not feasible for any one person to invite absolutely everyone. If Knitterley's social group dynamics are similar to what I've described above, then I totally get why she would go to the party and not feel strange about it.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Katana_Geldar on May 05, 2013, 05:03:55 PM
This actually happened to me. All of my friends were invited to a mutual friends birthday except for me, which I was rather upset about because I had introduced them to her. In the end it was a simple mistake and when she found out I'd been left out I was include. And it wasn't major as shed invited a lot of people anyway.

Sometimes people just forget.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: LifeOnPluto on May 05, 2013, 10:28:56 PM
I actually don't see this as an A List / B List thing, but rather two separate but equal categories of friends - namely (1) "Friends who are equally close to Anne and Bob"; and (2) Friends who are close to Anne only.

This party was originally intended to have a guest list from Category 1. But when several of those guests cancelled, the host decided to change the focus, and extend the guest list to Category 2.

An similar example might be where a hostess wants to throw a "girls only" dinner party for all her closest female friends. But when several of those guests can't make it, she might change the focus of the party, and invite some of her male friends too. It doesn't mean that those male friends are "B List" or that the hostess doesn't want them there.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: citadelle on May 05, 2013, 10:33:49 PM
I actually don't see this as an A List / B List thing, but rather two separate but equal categories of friends - namely (1) "Friends who are equally close to Anne and Bob"; and (2) Friends who are close to Anne only.

This party was originally intended to have a guest list from Category 1. But when several of those guests cancelled, the host decided to change the focus, and extend the guest list to Category 2.

An similar example might be where a hostess wants to throw a "girls only" dinner party for all her closest female friends. But when several of those guests can't make it, she might change the focus of the party, and invite some of her male friends too. It doesn't mean that those male friends are "B List" or that the hostess doesn't want them there.

Makes sense, but in ths case there was no list, just one guest whose lack of invite had been made into a known issue. A slightly different scenario than extending the invitations to include another category of guest.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: katycoo on May 05, 2013, 11:44:41 PM
I'd say you should go if you can since the damage is already done, but make it a very brief stop and drop off food or wine or something. That would ease Annie's guilt, and also ease the awkwardness for you.

That's the danger of Facebook invites!

This isn't  FB issue its a guest assuming the guestlist issue.  Sounds like Carrie put her foot in it twice!

It is, however, one of the reasons I make my guestlists on FB public to invitees - then you can see if someone is or isn't invited.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: MariaE on May 05, 2013, 11:46:12 PM
I wouldn't go.  Personally, I would just feel a little uncomfortable knowing that the host's first preference would be for me not to be present.

I don't think that's entirely fair. The host's first preference wasn't for the OP not to attend, there just wasn't room enough for the guestlist to extend to her. It wasn't a preference for the OP not to attend but a higher preference for somebody else to attend instead.

I think it was though, because if the party had gone exactly as the host - the husband, not the GoH - wanted, OP would not have been invited.

I realize this, but I still don't agree that the preference was for the OP not to attend. It's a semantic difference I'm not sure I can explain, but I'll try.

Of course this is based on assumptions as I can only guess at Bob's thought process.

"Prefer the OP doesn't attend" - this is a negative statement where Bob has considered it and consciously thought "No, I'd rather that she isn't there."
"Prefer somebody else attend" - this is a neutral statement to the OP, where Bob may not even have considered the OP personally, but thought "I'd like for these people to come, and unfortunately that means we're out of room and can't invite anybody else."

In the first case the OP was specifically not wanted. In the second case, she just didn't make the A-list.

Does that make any kind of sense at all?
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: katycoo on May 05, 2013, 11:50:08 PM
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

I don't mind being party filler  ;D I know it's not etiqually correct, but knowing I've been invited as a B list doesn't bother me in cases like this one where the fact that I'm on a B list makes perfect sense.

Being party filler (or B listed) doesn't mean that the host doesn't genuinely want you there, so it wouldn't make me feel awkward at all.

I feel this way too.  I don't interpret not making the cut for a particular event, particularly if its something where the numbers must be restricted, to mean they hate me and actively don't want me there.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: MariaE on May 06, 2013, 12:04:37 AM
I would not go even with the update.  So others cancelled?  Sounds like more a party filler invitation rather than wanting the OP to be there.  The friend shouldn't have mentioned the cancellations.

I don't mind being party filler  ;D I know it's not etiqually correct, but knowing I've been invited as a B list doesn't bother me in cases like this one where the fact that I'm on a B list makes perfect sense.

Being party filler (or B listed) doesn't mean that the host doesn't genuinely want you there, so it wouldn't make me feel awkward at all.

I feel this way too.  I don't interpret not making the cut for a particular event, particularly if its something where the numbers must be restricted, to mean they hate me and actively don't want me there.

Exactly. At most it means they don't actively want me there, not that they actively don't want me there  ;D

DH and I were B-listed to my aunt and uncle's Cobber anniversary party. There was a cancellation, we went and had a terrific time :)
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: bopper on May 06, 2013, 08:17:55 AM
After the update, I would have gone if it is an event I would like to attend..I think it would come across kind of bad if people kind of asked if you could attend, the host asked if you could attend, you checked to make sure it was really okay, the host said really it woudl be great, and then you said "Never mind." 
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Knitterly on May 06, 2013, 09:07:36 AM
I went and it was really lovely.  I was one of only four guests there.

It was really, really super casual!  I wasn't able to stay long as it had been a crazy busy day, but I was able to pop in for a bit to wish my friend the best.

It really wasn't an a/b list thing and there was no offense meant in any way whatsoever by Annie or Bob.

One of the main reasons I wasn't invited, as it turns out, is that Bob actually did not have my contact info.  We're not facebook friends, he doesn't have my email address, and my phone number is stored in Annie's phone.  The people he'd invited were mutual friends he could contact on his own.

Annie gets a total pass from me on everything on account of being in that super forgetful end-of-pregnancy stage. 

So I really just want to reassure people that I'm sure there was no offense meant or taken.  It wasn't a b-list invite (even though I could see how people might get that).  I just wasn't sure if I should go or how I should respond given the fact that I was not originally invited.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Curious Cat on May 06, 2013, 09:19:11 AM
Wow, sounds like a pretty poor turnout - thank goodness you decided to go or she might have felt really badly about her "party."
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Zilla on May 06, 2013, 10:32:06 AM
Wow, sounds like a pretty poor turnout - thank goodness you decided to go or she might have felt really badly about her "party."


Yeah, I hope now she wasn't offended after all that when the OP left early.  :o   But glad you got to wish her well.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Knitterly on May 06, 2013, 11:54:25 AM
Wow, sounds like a pretty poor turnout - thank goodness you decided to go or she might have felt really badly about her "party."


Yeah, I hope now she wasn't offended after all that when the OP left early.  :o   But glad you got to wish her well.

No, I told her that I would have to be out by x:00. 
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Allyson on May 06, 2013, 02:41:39 PM

I realize this, but I still don't agree that the preference was for the OP not to attend. It's a semantic difference I'm not sure I can explain, but I'll try.

Of course this is based on assumptions as I can only guess at Bob's thought process.

"Prefer the OP doesn't attend" - this is a negative statement where Bob has considered it and consciously thought "No, I'd rather that she isn't there."
"Prefer somebody else attend" - this is a neutral statement to the OP, where Bob may not even have considered the OP personally, but thought "I'd like for these people to come, and unfortunately that means we're out of room and can't invite anybody else."

In the first case the OP was specifically not wanted. In the second case, she just didn't make the A-list.

Does that make any kind of sense at all?

It makes complete sense to me, MariaE, and it's how I'd see the situation, as well.

Glad the party went well, Knitterly!
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: MariaE on May 06, 2013, 03:11:18 PM
Thanks Allyson! I'm glad I wasn't talking complete nonsense :)
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: VorFemme on May 06, 2013, 06:10:51 PM
I went and it was really lovely.  I was one of only four guests there.

It was really, really super casual!  I wasn't able to stay long as it had been a crazy busy day, but I was able to pop in for a bit to wish my friend the best.

It really wasn't an a/b list thing and there was no offense meant in any way whatsoever by Annie or Bob.

One of the main reasons I wasn't invited, as it turns out, is that Bob actually did not have my contact info.  We're not facebook friends, he doesn't have my email address, and my phone number is stored in Annie's phone.  The people he'd invited were mutual friends he could contact on his own.

Annie gets a total pass from me on everything on account of being in that super forgetful end-of-pregnancy stage. 

So I really just want to reassure people that I'm sure there was no offense meant or taken.  It wasn't a b-list invite (even though I could see how people might get that).  I just wasn't sure if I should go or how I should respond given the fact that I was not originally invited.

At that stage of the pregnancy (last six weeks to a month, is my guess?), Annie could have ended up having Bob take HER away from the party to go to the hospital!
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: ccnumber4 on May 06, 2013, 09:27:30 PM
I went and it was really lovely.  I was one of only four guests there.

It was really, really super casual!  I wasn't able to stay long as it had been a crazy busy day, but I was able to pop in for a bit to wish my friend the best.

It really wasn't an a/b list thing and there was no offense meant in any way whatsoever by Annie or Bob.

One of the main reasons I wasn't invited, as it turns out, is that Bob actually did not have my contact info.  We're not facebook friends, he doesn't have my email address, and my phone number is stored in Annie's phone.  The people he'd invited were mutual friends he could contact on his own.

Annie gets a total pass from me on everything on account of being in that super forgetful end-of-pregnancy stage. 


So I really just want to reassure people that I'm sure there was no offense meant or taken.  It wasn't a b-list invite (even though I could see how people might get that).  I just wasn't sure if I should go or how I should respond given the fact that I was not originally invited.

I hate to be nitpicky, but what did Annie do that merited a "pass" from you?  Neither she nor her husband did a single thing wrong and though you said you were "ok" with not being invited, this reads as if you really weren't.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: LifeOnPluto on May 06, 2013, 10:11:53 PM
Did Bob forget about you? Or did he simply put you in the "too hard" basket because he didn't have your contact details. If the latter, I think he dropped the ball.

At any rate, I'm glad you went and had a good time.
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Sneezy on May 10, 2013, 10:13:20 PM
When someone asks me about an event that I was not invited to, the last thing I'd do is say that I wasn't invited. I usually just say something like, "It sounds like fun, but I already had another commitment that day." It is a little white lie and probably more evasive than need be, but the one time I responded honestly, it led to months of awkwardness at work. Years ago, I made the mistake of saying that I wasn't invited to a coworker's event when "Bess" asked me if our coworker, "Angie," had mentioned to me which weekend they had decided on. Bess made a minor stink to me about how rude it was that I hadn't been invited. It was awkward, but no biggie. I wasn't offended since I wasn't close with Angie, I had other plans that weekend, and the event wasn't my cup of tea. 

A few days later, Bess saw fit to tell me that when she called Angie out on not inviting me, Angie flat out said, "If Sneezy comes, I'm not even going to go." That was a biggie.  First, why put Angie on the spot like that? Angie should have invited whoever she wanted without interrogation. Second, I had previously existed in blissful ignorance of Angie's disliking me. This was seriously a non-issue until Bess made it one. I think she meant well, but...ugh.

The fallout was miserable. Previous to this incident, we had a decent working relationship. We had nothing in common, so we'd never become friends, but she was okay to work with. After this, Angie probably thought I was the one who was offended, rather than Bess being offended on my behalf. Or maybe it was just too awkward to deal with me after being called out like that by Bess. Or maybe she felt that since the cat was out of the bag, there was no reason to continue to fake being civil to me.  Or perhaps when Bess mentioned the event in front of both of us and I said, "I hope the weather's good for you this weekend," Angie thought I was being passive aggressive about not being invited. Maybe it was something unrelated, like sending her an email in the wrong font. I have no idea what the cause was, but Angie was extremely unpleasant to work with after that event.  While it wasn't quite like being in Hades, it certainly fit neatly into one of the outer circles described in Dante's Divine Comedy. Asking if I did something to offend her and offering to help clear the air got a dismissive sniff and a denial that there was a problem at all. On her last day, she pointedly crinkled her nose at me on her way out the door.

I learned my lesson. If a third party mentions an event of any kind, I beandip the question of being invited with a reference to another commitment that day. 
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: Mikayla on May 12, 2013, 12:32:56 PM
When someone asks me about an event that I was not invited to, the last thing I'd do is say that I wasn't invited.  I usually just say something like, "It sounds like fun, but I already had another commitment that day."

I completely agree.  Knitterly, I'm glad it turned out well and that you enjoyed yourself,  but this is where it started to go south, imo, and it struck me as soon as I read it in the OP. 

The only exception might be if the person asking me is one of my 3 alltime BFFs and the hostess isn't as well known to me.  In that case, I'd probably tell the truth, but that's because my 3 BFFs would never say anything about it. 
Title: Re: I was not invited and I am okay with that, but...
Post by: NyaChan on May 12, 2013, 01:00:29 PM
Really?  Because if I were hosting something and someone I chose not to invite responded in that way and it was reported to me, I'd think it was almost presumptuous to imply that they aren't coming because they were busy.  They weren't invited.  It is that simple, it isn't a sign of whether I like them or not, it is just that on this particular occasion I am not including them in my guest list.  I think Knitterly responded appropriately, the only problem person here is the one who ran to the hosting couple to complain on Knitterly's behalf.