Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: TootsNYC on May 04, 2013, 03:55:28 PM

Title: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: TootsNYC on May 04, 2013, 03:55:28 PM
The "I wasn't invited and I'm OK with that" thread reminded me of a story.

Years ago, I had a boss who pretty much didn't like me. It never affected how she seemed to feel about my work, or interfere with communication about work.

But it became clear she didn't like me. Any of the slightly social stuff at work, she cut me out of. For example, I'd be in the workroom of one of the subdepartments on our team, and we'd be talking socially. She'd come in, and she'd speak to everyone else in the room but never directly to me. She'd *look* at everyone else in the room, but never at me.

Ditto if I stopped by her office to drop something off--several people would be in there chatting, and they'd speak to me but she wouldn't. And she wouldn't look at me or answer any comment I made.

I don't know if anyone else ever noticed it. Nobody ever commented on it. At first it bothered me, and then it just got mostly amusing. And as I said, it never interfered with work or our work relationship. I always felt I could go ask her anything I need to about work. And I felt that if someone had asked me if I was good at my job, or if I was nice, she'd have said yes. She just didn't, herself, like me.

At Christmas time at the department party, someone said something about the socks she'd given to several people (none of whom reported to her; they were all in a subdepartment) as a Christmas present; and I'd walked into my coworker's office (who also reported directly to her) just as she was opening a really *nice* Christmas present from our boss. But I hadn't received anything. And on the last day before break, she brought by a tiny Christmas candle and said, "Merry Christmas." It felt like *such* an afterthought, and like a total regift (though I don't know, actually). So, it was really clear.

In the middle of this period, I was chatting with someone from one of those subdepartments, and she mentioned something about MyBoss's new kitchen.

"Oh, did she get her kitchen redone?" I asked. "Did you stop by to see it?" (They lived in the same borough of NYC, and same neighborhood.)

"We all did, remember?" my colleague said. "She had us all over a couple of months ago."

"Oh," I said. "I wasn't there, I didn't see it."

Why not? she asks.
I said. "I wasn't invited."
Surely I had been! she said.

"No," I said.

"Oh!" she said. "I'm sorry."

No one had ever mentioned it in the office at all, which seemed exceptionally discreet of everyone, given how things were at work. I'm really, really surprised someone didn't say, "see you tonight!" or "how late are you staying/how are you getting home?"

I tried not to say that I hadn't even been invited, but it ened up being the fastest way to end the awkward conversation. And I bit my tongue so I wouldn't say, "She doesn't like me personally, she'd never invite me to her HOME."

It made me really careful about talking about social/work things.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: rose red on May 04, 2013, 05:12:19 PM
At one of my first "real" jobs, a person one step above my level made bracelets for my coworkers for Christmas, but none for me.  It hurt, but I wouldn't want a keepsake from such a person anyway.  The worse part was my coworkers kept asking what color my bracelet was, forcing me to say I didn't get a gift from that person.  Dealing with the coworkers innocent questions was worse than being snubbed. Not fair for my coworkers either since they, of course, felt awkward afterwards too.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: gellchom on May 04, 2013, 05:23:55 PM
It reminded me of a story, too -- but mine is a happy one.

Years ago, my mother was getting her hair done to go to a 30th anniversary party for my cousins Romeo and Juliet.  At the salon, she ran into Ophelia, who she knew was Juliet's best friend.  She said, "Well, I'll see you tonight," or something, and was met with a puzzled "Huh?" or something from Ophelia.  "Oh, aren't you able to go to Romeo and Juliet's party?"  But Ophelia didn't know anything about the party.

Mom felt horrible.  She knows not to discuss a party with people who aren't invited, but there was no way Ophelia wouldn't have been invited.  She couldn't figure it out.

She did later.  The party wasn't an anniversary party for Romeo and Juliet at all -- it was a surprise 70th birthday party for HER.  The invitation she received to an anniversary party was just to get her to the venue all dressed up on the appointed evening.

It took her most of the evening for it to totally register.  When we all yelled "Surprise!" when she entered, she thought the surprise was just that her kids and grandkids had come from out of town to the anniversary party because it was close to her big birthday (and she wasn't pleased that we'd tried to usurp the anniversary party).  It was well over an hour into the party, when she noticed that all of HER friends were there, but none of Romeo and Juliet's, that she realized that it was ALL for her.

And then she remembered her conversation with Ophelia.   She hastened to tell Juliet, "I think I got you into trouble!  You have to call your friend Ophelia first thing tomorrow ...."
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: TootsNYC on May 04, 2013, 05:45:11 PM
At one of my first "real" jobs, a person one step above my level made bracelets for my coworkers for Christmas, but none for me.  It hurt, but I wouldn't want a keepsake from such a person anyway.  The worse part was my coworkers kept asking what color my bracelet was, forcing me to say I didn't get a gift from that person.  Dealing with the coworkers innocent questions was worse than being snubbed. Not fair for my coworkers either since they, of course, felt awkward afterwards too.

That's true! It's why rudeness is rude to other people and not just the target.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Bijou on May 04, 2013, 10:26:31 PM
I hear you guys!  I used to go to lunch every day with a group of about 10 people at work.  They had all been sent to another office to work for a couple of weeks and apparently, during that time, bonded very seriously.  (It was volunteer and I hadn't because I couldn't do it as it required staying away from home for extended periods).  When this period of time ended and things were back to normal I noticed that we didn't go to lunch any more.  Then one day I ran out to get take out lunch from a very small Mexican restaurant and when I walked in found that the whole group was there celebrating one their birthdays.  I had not been invited.  I was so bewildered.  They looked very uncomfortable, but I just said hi, got my lunch and left.  Months later one of them, who had been a good friend of mine and a karaoke buddy, told me that she was so embarrassed and felt so bad about it that day.  (Uh-huh.)  I could never get past being dumped for no reason I could fathom. 
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Raintree on May 04, 2013, 10:54:29 PM
I think the OP's boss treated her horribly.

It's fine to make work friends, and be friendly with certain people outside of work; also to dislike some people you work with (as long as you remain cordial and don't let it affect your actual work) but this boss created rather an uncomfortable work environment, IMO. You don't invite the entire gang from the office except one person, ESPECIALLY  if you are the boss, and you don't give Christmas gifts to your subordinates at work unless you are giving something similar to everyone. Rude and inappropriate for a work environment, IMO.

Bijou's coworkers also treated her horribly. I'd understand if it was a group of 5 people out of an office of, say, 14 who decided they were particularly good friends with each other. But you don't form a group of 10 out of 11 people and exclude the 11th. MAYBE if you do it outside work hours. But to pull this stuff at work is really off.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Otterpop on May 05, 2013, 01:10:55 AM
I think the OP's boss treated her horribly.

It's fine to make work friends, and be friendly with certain people outside of work; also to dislike some people you work with (as long as you remain cordial and don't let it affect your actual work) but this boss created rather an uncomfortable work environment, IMO. You don't invite the entire gang from the office except one person, ESPECIALLY  if you are the boss, and you don't give Christmas gifts to your subordinates at work unless you are giving something similar to everyone. Rude and inappropriate for a work environment, IMO.

Bijou's coworkers also treated her horribly. I'd understand if it was a group of 5 people out of an office of, say, 14 who decided they were particularly good friends with each other. But you don't form a group of 10 out of 11 people and exclude the 11th. MAYBE if you do it outside work hours. But to pull this stuff at work is really off.

I agree.  This is "mean girl" behavior.  Everyone grows older but some never mature.  Be glad such a person doesn't want to get close to you.  (Also, sometimes it's because you're awesome in some way and they feel insecure about it).
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: LifeOnPluto on May 05, 2013, 02:31:35 AM
I think it's not rude at all to say "I wasn't invited", when asked why you weren't at so-and-so's party.

Yes, the person asking might feel awkward. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of the Host who excluded you. And frankly, if I was one of the "innocent askers", I would want to know the truth (that the excluded person wasn't invited), because then I could get a better handle on the group dynamics. And I certainly wouldn't think less of the person who hadn't been invited (although I might think less of the Host for excluding them).
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: iridaceae on May 05, 2013, 07:23:55 AM
I had a boss who detested me. She kept trying to do things to me and the others she hated...and kept getting thwarted by the other managers who liked us and detested her. It was kind of amusing after a while. She found out the hard way after the store closed that all these people she thought were friends and was always trying to invite over really did dislike her.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: juliasqueezer on May 05, 2013, 09:51:23 AM
I also had a boss once who didn't like me. I think because I knew too many of his secrets. Through a series of re-shufflings and reorganizations at my place of employment, he and I ended up in a new department, in a new location, with him as my new boss. We had always gotten along well, not buddies, but never a problem. I had ignored or not acknowledged some of his more unsavory behaviors, such as leaving at noon with his secretary. Both of them were married to other people.

So now he's my new boss. He is divorcing his wife, his old secretary is divorcing her husband. People in the new department may know the background or not. I had no idea (still don't). I say nothing to nobody. Not my business.
 
Suddenly, new boss is having parties and cookouts at his house (old wife has moved out, apparently) and all of my coworkers are invited. I'm not. My coworkers try not to discuss these get-togethers in front of me and apologize for him. It hurt to be so obviously shut out, but I tried to keep a happy, cheerful face and be as professional as possible. His coup de grace was to bring in photos he took at the parties and leave them prominently displayed on his desk. When I ignored the photos while talking about work in his office, he put them on our department bulletin board. I still don't know for sure what caused his sudden hatred of me.

I was very happy to be promoted out of that area within a year.

He retired and moved to a warmer climate with his wife (yes, the old secretary). Last year, he sent me a facebook friend request.

I ignored it.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: siamesecat2965 on May 05, 2013, 01:12:23 PM
I also had a boss once who didn't like me. I think because I knew too many of his secrets. Through a series of re-shufflings and reorganizations at my place of employment, he and I ended up in a new department, in a new location, with him as my new boss. We had always gotten along well, not buddies, but never a problem. I had ignored or not acknowledged some of his more unsavory behaviors, such as leaving at noon with his secretary. Both of them were married to other people.

So now he's my new boss. He is divorcing his wife, his old secretary is divorcing her husband. People in the new department may know the background or not. I had no idea (still don't). I say nothing to nobody. Not my business.
 
Suddenly, new boss is having parties and cookouts at his house (old wife has moved out, apparently) and all of my coworkers are invited. I'm not. My coworkers try not to discuss these get-togethers in front of me and apologize for him. It hurt to be so obviously shut out, but I tried to keep a happy, cheerful face and be as professional as possible. His coup de grace was to bring in photos he took at the parties and leave them prominently displayed on his desk. When I ignored the photos while talking about work in his office, he put them on our department bulletin board. I still don't know for sure what caused his sudden hatred of me.

I was very happy to be promoted out of that area within a year.

He retired and moved to a warmer climate with his wife (yes, the old secretary). Last year, he sent me a facebook friend request.

I ignored it.

wow. that was really childish of him! sort of "look at me, look at me, don't you WANT to know all about the stuff we do outside the office without you?" Good for you for not taking the bait. He probably made himself look stupid by continually excluding you, unless your co-workers didn't like you either, which I doubt.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: juliasqueezer on May 05, 2013, 07:35:38 PM
I'm still in touch with several of the old crew (I'm retired now) and we still laugh at his lame attempts to pull these power trips. We all were subjected to his toolish behaviors at one time or another.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: HGolightly on May 05, 2013, 08:25:47 PM
My Job From Hell started well and I was promoted however a new more senior member of staff took an instant dislike to me and my two coworkers. One left for a better job and was replaced by a total suck up who was, like my antagonist into Random Deity like the boss. Despite being told that it was an anti clique office the three Deity Divas became besties and did everything they could to drive me crazy or out. The Suckup had less and less duties to do and I had more and more to do.  I left and found myself in a awesome job 6 months later! The Suckup was fired less than 6 months later and my antagonist had a HUGE falling out with the boss.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: gellchom on May 05, 2013, 09:35:19 PM
I think it's not rude at all to say "I wasn't invited", when asked why you weren't at so-and-so's party.

Yes, the person asking might feel awkward. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of the Host who excluded you. And frankly, if I was one of the "innocent askers", I would want to know the truth (that the excluded person wasn't invited), because then I could get a better handle on the group dynamics. And I certainly wouldn't think less of the person who hadn't been invited (although I might think less of the Host for excluding them).

Re: the bolded portion -

Even if it's someone else's fault, I still don't want to make the innocent asker feel bad.  Good manners means acting graciously and kindly to others, especially those who have done nothing wrong; we don't get a free pass just because we can blame someone else.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Otterpop on May 05, 2013, 09:56:03 PM
I think it's not rude at all to say "I wasn't invited", when asked why you weren't at so-and-so's party.

Yes, the person asking might feel awkward. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of the Host who excluded you. And frankly, if I was one of the "innocent askers", I would want to know the truth (that the excluded person wasn't invited), because then I could get a better handle on the group dynamics. And I certainly wouldn't think less of the person who hadn't been invited (although I might think less of the Host for excluding them).

Re: the bolded portion -

Even if it's someone else's fault, I still don't want to make the innocent asker feel bad.  Good manners means acting graciously and kindly to others, especially those who have done nothing wrong; we don't get a free pass just because we can blame someone else.

It's not blaming another person, it's telling the truth.  She didn't go because she wasn't invited.  Saying something like "I couldn't make it" would be a LIE.  Obfuscating or lying is bad manners and muddles a straightforward situation.  Plus, if she has to make excuses over and over again, she'd make herself look bad.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: NyaChan on May 05, 2013, 09:57:13 PM
Why does telling someone I wasn't invited make them feel bad?  If you say it in a hurt tone or something then yes, it would make them uncomfortable, but if said in a conversational tone, then there is no reason for anyone to feel bad about it. 
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: VorFemme on May 05, 2013, 11:16:46 PM
I think it's not rude at all to say "I wasn't invited", when asked why you weren't at so-and-so's party.

Yes, the person asking might feel awkward. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of the Host who excluded you. And frankly, if I was one of the "innocent askers", I would want to know the truth (that the excluded person wasn't invited), because then I could get a better handle on the group dynamics. And I certainly wouldn't think less of the person who hadn't been invited (although I might think less of the Host for excluding them).

Re: the bolded portion -

Even if it's someone else's fault, I still don't want to make the innocent asker feel bad.  Good manners means acting graciously and kindly to others, especially those who have done nothing wrong; we don't get a free pass just because we can blame someone else.

It's not blaming another person, it's telling the truth.  She didn't go because she wasn't invited.  Saying something like "I couldn't make it" would be a LIE.  Obfuscating or lying is bad manners and muddles a straightforward situation.  Plus, if she has to make excuses over and over again, she'd make herself look bad.

It's not lying if you DO already have plans for that time - whether they are plans that could be changed if you got a call from the hosts that your invitation got lost in the mail, sent back by the ISP for a typo in the email address, or their cell phone crashed & they didn't have your phone number to invite you (however they sent out the invitations) is another matter.

The idea is to keep the person from telling the host(s) that YOU are upset because you didn't get an invitation when you are FINE with not getting an invitation to a party where you KNOW that there are reasons why you might not be invited (inviting couples, not singles; inviting friends of the couple, not friends of only one member of the couple/family; inviting social vs. work connections; or having extremely limited seating space).

In college, we had an eat in kitchen that seated FOUR people.  VorGuy invited his brother & fiancee over to our house for dinner.  We had food prepared for FOUR people, seats for FOUR people, silverware & plates for FOUR people, and so forth & so on.

Brother & fiancee turned up with Lil Sister, too (VorGuy's Lil Sister - not fiancee's).  I had no place to sit (small table - we had an office chair - that was the wrong height for the table that I ended up on), unmatched silverware, unmatched plate, and a much smaller serving of Family Recipe that serves FOUR on my plate because I split the "serves four" casserole into five servings (with mine smaller as I knew that I didn't like it as much as VorGuy, his brother, and his sister liked it - I have no memory if the fiancee liked it or not).

Looking back - I have no idea what else could have been done....but I remember wishing that his sister had had other plans in place that night so I had a chance to talk to get to know the fiancee.

Although it ended up a moot point, they broke up a while later and he married someone else.

Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: SeptGurl on May 06, 2013, 07:09:52 AM
I happened to see this scenario play out on FB a couple of weeks ago. A friend posted a status update about her weekend. She learned she hadn't been invited to a party when two of her friends commented on her status, saying, "We missed you at Sally's party Saturday night!" My friend replied with, "I was not invited." Both of her friends responded with, "I'm sorry."

When I saw that exchange, I had two thoughts. The first was that it was obvious my friend wasn't at the party, so her friends created awkwardness by bringing up the party in the first place. I'm not sure I'd mention the party to someone who wasn't there.

The second thought I had was that my friend could have responded differently than "I was not invited," although I'm not sure she intended anything more than an honest and straightforward response. It's hard to know what tone she had in mind when she wrote it. I'm also not sure what she should have said instead. It did elicit an apology from the two friends though.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: TootsNYC on May 06, 2013, 07:43:58 AM
I sort of think the other person they should apologize to is their hostess.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: *new*mommyagain36 on May 06, 2013, 09:17:32 AM
Years ago my cousin was getting married.  They invited only immediate family and aunts/uncles.
My Mom called and asked if I got an invitation.  I said I did not.  Mom calls her sister (MOG) and then calls me back to report they weren't able to invite any cousins.  Ok, I'm fine with that.
My Aunt (another one of Mom's sisters) gets wind of my non-invite and calls me to make sure I'm ok with not being invited.  Yes, of course, I am.  It's all good.  I am then invited to a bridal shower.  I decline.  No wedding invite = no shower invite in my book so I don't go and I don't send a gift.  A few days before the wedding My Aunt cannot go due to an emergency so she calls me and tells me to go in her place.  No.  I am not going to do that.  Wasn't invited, not going.
My Mom calls me the day after the wedding and says "everyone" was asking where I was.  Mom said I had not been invited.  Cousin (Grooms sister) says to Mom, "oh she could've come anyway."
What?!  Mom states as she was leaving at the end of the evening, she spoke to the Bride and Groom and the Groom asked why I had not attended the wedding.  Mom said, "because she wasn't invited"  Groom said, oh she could've come anyway.  Again, what?!  I also got a card in the mail about 2 weeks after the wedding saying, in part, "sorry we missed you at our wedding.."  I was just...huh?  so, I wasn't invited but, hey, I could've gone anyway!   ;)
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Thipu1 on May 06, 2013, 09:55:08 AM
I had a boss like that too.  It was customary for a cake and a card to be presented for birthdays.  Mine would be noticed only once every two or three years, even though part-timers and volunteer birthdays were celebrated without fail. 

I was even asked, via email, if I wanted any sort of party for my retirement.  Having worked there for 20 plus years, I certainly did.  What I got was less than the party summer interns received. 

Did it hurt?  Sure.  Did I understand? No. 

I think she didn't like me because I often played Devil's Advocate in meetings.  Boss had grandiose plans for the library.  I had explained that it's better to have possible problems brought up by someone on her side than by someone who wasn't on her side. She never quite got that. 
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: gellchom on May 06, 2013, 10:12:47 AM
I think it's not rude at all to say "I wasn't invited", when asked why you weren't at so-and-so's party.

Yes, the person asking might feel awkward. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of the Host who excluded you. And frankly, if I was one of the "innocent askers", I would want to know the truth (that the excluded person wasn't invited), because then I could get a better handle on the group dynamics. And I certainly wouldn't think less of the person who hadn't been invited (although I might think less of the Host for excluding them).

Re: the bolded portion -

Even if it's someone else's fault, I still don't want to make the innocent asker feel bad.  Good manners means acting graciously and kindly to others, especially those who have done nothing wrong; we don't get a free pass just because we can blame someone else.

It's not blaming another person, it's telling the truth.  She didn't go because she wasn't invited.  Saying something like "I couldn't make it" would be a LIE.  Obfuscating or lying is bad manners and muddles a straightforward situation.  Plus, if she has to make excuses over and over again, she'd make herself look bad.

You're right.  And I agree, it's fine to tell her you weren't invited.

I just meant that I would try hard to say it in a way that would minimize the innocent person's embarrassment.  A blunt "I wasn't invited" wouldn't do that.  It could potentially create more drama, get back to the hosts, or around to others, that you are upset, and make people annoyed with the innocent person for blabbing about the party.  It could also, as LifeOnPluto mentioned, make the innocent person think less of the hosts.  And it could make you look like that's exactly what you are trying to do, to punish them for not inviting you, and perhaps to punish this person for humiliating you. 

You could say instead something like, "You know, I'm sure you didn't realize it, but it's a smaller party this time, and they just couldn't include everyone they would have liked to at this party, including me.  Petunia and I are going to get together another time.  Don't worry, I'm fine with it."
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: wolfie on May 06, 2013, 10:29:07 AM
I think it's not rude at all to say "I wasn't invited", when asked why you weren't at so-and-so's party.

Yes, the person asking might feel awkward. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of the Host who excluded you. And frankly, if I was one of the "innocent askers", I would want to know the truth (that the excluded person wasn't invited), because then I could get a better handle on the group dynamics. And I certainly wouldn't think less of the person who hadn't been invited (although I might think less of the Host for excluding them).

Re: the bolded portion -

Even if it's someone else's fault, I still don't want to make the innocent asker feel bad.  Good manners means acting graciously and kindly to others, especially those who have done nothing wrong; we don't get a free pass just because we can blame someone else.

It's not blaming another person, it's telling the truth.  She didn't go because she wasn't invited.  Saying something like "I couldn't make it" would be a LIE.  Obfuscating or lying is bad manners and muddles a straightforward situation.  Plus, if she has to make excuses over and over again, she'd make herself look bad.

You're right.  And I agree, it's fine to tell her you weren't invited.

I just meant that I would try hard to say it in a way that would minimize the innocent person's embarrassment.  A blunt "I wasn't invited" wouldn't do that.  It could potentially create more drama, get back to the hosts, or around to others, that you are upset, and make people annoyed with the innocent person for blabbing about the party.  It could also, as LifeOnPluto mentioned, make the innocent person think less of the hosts.  And it could make you look like that's exactly what you are trying to do, to punish them for not inviting you, and perhaps to punish this person for humiliating you. 

You could say instead something like, "You know, I'm sure you didn't realize it, but it's a smaller party this time, and they just couldn't include everyone they would have liked to at this party, including me.  Petunia and I are going to get together another time.  Don't worry, I'm fine with it."

If someone told me they weren't invited I would just assume that there might be history between them and the host, or it was an event they weren't interested in, or a bunch of other things - but I wouldn't assume they were hurt over it. But if they said what you just typed I would assume they were very hurt over it and were trying to put on a brave face.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: heartmug on May 06, 2013, 11:12:01 AM
I had to tell my dd that.  Her friend was invited to b-day party of little girl she babysits ("Lily").  Friend says to dd "I will see you tomorrow at Lily's party" (Lily lives very close by and dd has babysat just a few times for them when friend, whose parents are good friends with Lily's parents, couldn't do it).

DD comes home and tells me.  I said "You can't go there you weren't invited."  She tells her friend that who was bewildered and thought you just showed up to parties you heard about.  I stood firm and my dd didn't go.  Next year, she did get an invite.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: gellchom on May 06, 2013, 11:29:19 AM
I think it's not rude at all to say "I wasn't invited", when asked why you weren't at so-and-so's party.

Yes, the person asking might feel awkward. But it's not your fault. It's the fault of the Host who excluded you. And frankly, if I was one of the "innocent askers", I would want to know the truth (that the excluded person wasn't invited), because then I could get a better handle on the group dynamics. And I certainly wouldn't think less of the person who hadn't been invited (although I might think less of the Host for excluding them).

Re: the bolded portion -

Even if it's someone else's fault, I still don't want to make the innocent asker feel bad.  Good manners means acting graciously and kindly to others, especially those who have done nothing wrong; we don't get a free pass just because we can blame someone else.

It's not blaming another person, it's telling the truth.  She didn't go because she wasn't invited.  Saying something like "I couldn't make it" would be a LIE.  Obfuscating or lying is bad manners and muddles a straightforward situation.  Plus, if she has to make excuses over and over again, she'd make herself look bad.

You're right.  And I agree, it's fine to tell her you weren't invited.

I just meant that I would try hard to say it in a way that would minimize the innocent person's embarrassment.  A blunt "I wasn't invited" wouldn't do that.  It could potentially create more drama, get back to the hosts, or around to others, that you are upset, and make people annoyed with the innocent person for blabbing about the party.  It could also, as LifeOnPluto mentioned, make the innocent person think less of the hosts.  And it could make you look like that's exactly what you are trying to do, to punish them for not inviting you, and perhaps to punish this person for humiliating you. 

You could say instead something like, "You know, I'm sure you didn't realize it, but it's a smaller party this time, and they just couldn't include everyone they would have liked to at this party, including me.  Petunia and I are going to get together another time.  Don't worry, I'm fine with it."

If someone told me they weren't invited I would just assume that there might be history between them and the host, or it was an event they weren't interested in, or a bunch of other things - but I wouldn't assume they were hurt over it. But if they said what you just typed I would assume they were very hurt over it and were trying to put on a brave face.

Yeah, I see what you mean.  I guess it's all in the delivery. You need to consider the audience and circumstances.

The point is just to try to respond in a way that avoids drama and hard feelings, irrespective of whose fault it is.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Twik on May 06, 2013, 11:35:17 AM
I think newmommy36 and heartmug's stories indicate that some people have never really "gotten" that you must invite people to your parties. They think that adult entertaining is rather like throwing a house party when you're a teen/college student - just get the word out, and people will come, the more the merrier.

However, they should not be encouraged in this. Heartmug's story shows how these people can be politely trained to invite the people they want to see, if they want to see them.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Lynn2000 on May 06, 2013, 12:02:38 PM
I think I would just matter-of-factly say "I wasn't invited" if such a situation arose. Of course a lot of it is tone and body language. I wouldn't want to convey the idea that I was hurt not to be invited (even if I was)--that could get around to other people and be construed as sour grapes, whining, etc..

I would definitely not go so far as to make excuses for the host, though, or say that I couldn't/wouldn't have come even if I was invited because of XYZ, or say that I was planning to get together with the host later if I actually wasn't. Far too elaborate for me. It is what it is: I didn't go because I wasn't invited.

Well, maybe if the situation was like, the host didn't bother to invite me because they knew I didn't like XYZ event, or because they knew I was going to be out of town that weekend, I might say that, if I had reason to believe that was actually true. But I wouldn't make it up out of thin air to make the person I was talking to feel better. That's just life, sometimes things are awkward.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: rose red on May 06, 2013, 12:25:10 PM
I would definitely not go so far as to make excuses for the host, though, or say that I couldn't/wouldn't have come even if I was invited because of XYZ, or say that I was planning to get together with the host later if I actually wasn't. Far too elaborate for me. It is what it is: I didn't go because I wasn't invited.

I agree.  I would just say "Oh, I wasn't invited" in a casual manner.  Making excuses or outright lying for the person will make me look petty for never accepting at least one invitation.  If people start noticing tension, they may assume it's me because, after all, the other is the bigger person by issuing invitations and I'm the one always declining, right?
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: jpcher on May 06, 2013, 03:03:31 PM
Many years ago I left work on Friday evening, and said good bye to my boss.

He said "Have a good evening. See you tomorrow!"

I said "Tomorrow? Am I suppose to work OT tomorrow?"

He looked like a deer stuck in headlights and stammered "Uh, no. Um. No! No OT. Ahhhh I guess, um, I meant to say, um, see you Monday?"

I didn't think anything of it until Monday when I heard several CWs say to another CW "Great party!" "Thanks for the party!" "Your home is beautiful!" "We had such a good time!"

Turns out CW had a housewarming party and invited the whole office except for me.

For months (just the two of us would go out to lunch together at least once a week, go for coffee, etc.) I'd been listening to her regale about the construction/decoration/planning/highs and lows. I thought that we were friends.

She did poke her head into my cube at the end of the day and say "I guess you've heard by now that I had a party on Saturday night. I didn't invite you because my house isn't kid-friendly." (I was the only one in the office that had kids.) No apology. Just a simple statement of fact.

I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Okay." What else was I suppose to say after-the-fact?

Certainly not what I wanted to say "Have you never heard the term Babysitter?" I think that would have been rude.

I did, however, manage to find other things to do whenever she asked me for coffee. :-\
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Carotte on May 06, 2013, 07:53:18 PM
This all reminds me of the fact that I wasn't invited to any parties in 5 years of upper educations.
Oh there were plenty of them, and I'll pass on the whole let's discuss our upcoming or past parties with Carotte just in the middle knowing that she wasn't there.
I was (and still am somewhat) a bit bittersweet about it, because of some health issues and the fact that I didn't drink alcohol I got started on the wrong foot, I think most people got the idea that i didn't like to go to parties, so I didn't get invited, so I didn't bond with my classmates as much as the 98% of the grade who went to the parties, so I didn't get invited to the next parties and so on ... (and wasn't sought out during class time to talk about anything either).
And since I'm of the 'didn't get an invitation from the host, don't show up' I never 'crashed' a party where it could have been 'accepted' to do so.

So yeah, I think that the few times someone actually mentioned something I just told the truth 'I wasn't invited'. Sometimes it was because it was a small get together, because I wasn't actually that close to the host, mostly because no one had thought of me. I don't think it changed anything for me, but sometimes it will remind people that hey, I should not forget to invite So and So this time...
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Morrigan on May 06, 2013, 09:22:42 PM
At my library (where I've worked for almost 2 years), one of my co-workers just had a baby shower.  I wasn't invited, but new of it because (it seemd as if) everyone else was invited.  Everyone was talking about it.  Even the two guys that work at the library were invited.

I wasn't.  I only found out where it had been held (after the fact) when a co-worker asked me to see if it was haunted (I'm a reference librarian).  A few days after the fact, a close co-worker was talking about one of the presents the mother-to-be got and said something like she assumed I'd known about it and been invited.

When I quietly told her that I wasn't invited, nor did I even know where it had been, she was really surprised.  Apparently every other woman in the library had been invited.

I found out a few days after that that three of us hadn't been invited.  Out of over 30.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Library Dragon on May 06, 2013, 09:23:36 PM
Other than silly middle school parties the only non-invite that bothered me was the going away party for the music teacher at the school where I was the librarian.  It was after school one day and I was getting ready to leave.  Another teacher casually asked if I wasn't going to the party.  Party? What party? 

Turns out this was the staff farewell for Muzak.  It had been arranged by one of the teacher's aides who didn't like me (I had stopped her from having whispered conversations with cheerleaders while I was in the midst of teaching--she was a cheer coach--and I gave her son detention for bullying another student).  She had informed every other staff member but not me.  I had not brought food or gift.  It was a few weeks before the end of the school year so I didn't think it was so soon. 

It was doubly hurtful because Muzak and I had socialized, work closely together at school.  She had also been a listening year for DS2 when he was concerned about his brother doing search and rescue in New Orleans with the National Guard.  I had wanted to appropriately thank her.

The computer teacher and I took her out for lunch the next week.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: ladyknight1 on May 06, 2013, 09:23:50 PM
I have never crashed a party. My son (14) has had several incidents where someone will pop by our house, and say that the party DS is supposed to be at has started, and I will refuse to let him go, because I have no way of knowing that DS has been invited, without an invitation!
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Raintree on May 07, 2013, 04:00:25 AM
At my library (where I've worked for almost 2 years), one of my co-workers just had a baby shower.  I wasn't invited, but new of it because (it seemd as if) everyone else was invited.  Everyone was talking about it.  Even the two guys that work at the library were invited.

I'd have heaved a sigh of relief that I didn't have to think up an excuse not to spend a perfectly good weekend day (assuming it was a weekend day) at one of these dreadful gatherings, and worse, spend money on a gift for someone I wasn't close to (I'd rather budget gift money for someone I care about, like family). You were LUCKY. I loathe those things.

(But I do understand that it wasn't fun to be excluded like that)
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Roe on May 07, 2013, 08:15:03 AM
Other than silly middle school parties the only non-invite that bothered me was the going away party for the music teacher at the school where I was the librarian.  It was after school one day and I was getting ready to leave.  Another teacher casually asked if I wasn't going to the party.  Party? What party? 

Turns out this was the staff farewell for Muzak.  It had been arranged by one of the teacher's aides who didn't like me (I had stopped her from having whispered conversations with cheerleaders while I was in the midst of teaching--she was a cheer coach--and I gave her son detention for bullying another student).  She had informed every other staff member but not me.  I had not brought food or gift.  It was a few weeks before the end of the school year so I didn't think it was so soon. 

It was doubly hurtful because Muzak and I had socialized, work closely together at school.  She had also been a listening year for DS2 when he was concerned about his brother doing search and rescue in New Orleans with the National Guard.  I had wanted to appropriately thank her.

The computer teacher and I took her out for lunch the next week.

Aw, you should've gone to the party.  I'm sure the music teacher would've appreciated having you there even if you didn't take food.  :) 

Something similar happened to my grandfather during his retirement party.  His close friend, Uncle Dan, was given the responsibility of handing out invitations to my grandfather's coworkers for the surprise retirement party.  The rest of us didn't realize Uncle Dan left Bob off the guest list because he didn't like him, even though my GF and Bob were friends.

Well, the night of the retirement party, Bob shows up anyway.  :)  He told my grandmother the story of how he knew my GF would've wanted him there.  lol.  And so it worked out and though Uncle Dan tried to be sneaky, it didn't work.  :D 
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: siamesecat2965 on May 07, 2013, 08:42:47 AM
Many years ago I left work on Friday evening, and said good bye to my boss.

He said "Have a good evening. See you tomorrow!"

I said "Tomorrow? Am I suppose to work OT tomorrow?"

He looked like a deer stuck in headlights and stammered "Uh, no. Um. No! No OT. Ahhhh I guess, um, I meant to say, um, see you Monday?"

I didn't think anything of it until Monday when I heard several CWs say to another CW "Great party!" "Thanks for the party!" "Your home is beautiful!" "We had such a good time!"

Turns out CW had a housewarming party and invited the whole office except for me.

For months (just the two of us would go out to lunch together at least once a week, go for coffee, etc.) I'd been listening to her regale about the construction/decoration/planning/highs and lows. I thought that we were friends.

She did poke her head into my cube at the end of the day and say "I guess you've heard by now that I had a party on Saturday night. I didn't invite you because my house isn't kid-friendly." (I was the only one in the office that had kids.) No apology. Just a simple statement of fact.

I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Okay." What else was I suppose to say after-the-fact?

Certainly not what I wanted to say "Have you never heard the term Babysitter?" I think that would have been rude.

I did, however, manage to find other things to do whenever she asked me for coffee. :-\

OH that's just wrong. It assumes you would have brought your kids regardless of whether or not they were invited, and that you wouldn't have or couldn't have gotten a babysitter. I would have wanted to respond with the same thing you didn't say, because I can be snarky like that sometimes.  Bad enough everyone but you was invited, but the added insult was her coming to you and telling you, yeah, I had a party, and you weren't invited, and this is why. jr hs behavior.

Yeah, I also would have found other things to do when she wanted to go for coffee too.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Morrigan on May 07, 2013, 09:37:13 AM
At my library (where I've worked for almost 2 years), one of my co-workers just had a baby shower.  I wasn't invited, but new of it because (it seemd as if) everyone else was invited.  Everyone was talking about it.  Even the two guys that work at the library were invited.

I'd have heaved a sigh of relief that I didn't have to think up an excuse not to spend a perfectly good weekend day (assuming it was a weekend day) at one of these dreadful gatherings, and worse, spend money on a gift for someone I wasn't close to (I'd rather budget gift money for someone I care about, like family). You were LUCKY. I loathe those things.

(But I do understand that it wasn't fun to be excluded like that)

lol.  :)  I couldn't have gone anyway (same day as DH's graduation), but to be 1 of 3 women that weren't invited when everyone else was...that's what hurt more than anything.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: half_dollars on May 07, 2013, 09:53:58 AM
How sad is it that this happens in the workplace?  Shouldn't people being promoted to a supervisor position know better?

Before children, I was the only female of a team of 5.  We had worked together 3 years before I "retired".  My last Christmas there, my boss handed out gifts to the other 4.  I kept working at my desk, which was part of the group cubicle with our backs to each other.  About 2 days later, my boss stops by and says he tried to buy an amazon gift card for me because I like to read but there's a problem with his credit card and to let him know if I don't receive an email from amazon.  Never received the email.  Never let him know.  I was an outsider for years, but always participated in office activities, often times taking time away from being with my husband, so I never realized just how "low man on the totem pole" I was.  I cried my entire drive home, I was so hurt.

I, too, didn't get a "going away" party when I left.  But, by that time, I didn't care.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Lynn2000 on May 07, 2013, 10:02:19 AM
How sad is it that this happens in the workplace?  Shouldn't people being promoted to a supervisor position know better?

Before children, I was the only female of a team of 5.  We had worked together 3 years before I "retired".  My last Christmas there, my boss handed out gifts to the other 4.  I kept working at my desk, which was part of the group cubicle with our backs to each other.  About 2 days later, my boss stops by and says he tried to buy an amazon gift card for me because I like to read but there's a problem with his credit card and to let him know if I don't receive an email from amazon.  Never received the email.  Never let him know.  I was an outsider for years, but always participated in office activities, often times taking time away from being with my husband, so I never realized just how "low man on the totem pole" I was.  I cried my entire drive home, I was so hurt.

I, too, didn't get a "going away" party when I left.  But, by that time, I didn't care.

That's awful if it was a deliberate snub! However, pretty much every year when I buy my friend an electronic Amazon gift card, I have to remind her to check her junk mail folder, and occasionally I have to resend it because it doesn't make it to her. You know best what the "vibe" from him was; but as a generic situation, technical problems really do happen sometimes.

In this specific situation, though, he should have gotten you something else when he suspected the gift card wasn't working (assuming he was telling the truth), so he could give it to you along with the other people's gifts. He could always cancel the gift card (or ask you to cancel it) or use it for himself if it eventually went through.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: earthgirl on May 07, 2013, 10:21:33 AM
OP's story reminded me of a situation I was in several years ago when I was teaching at a small private school (about 20 teachers).  I walked into the office to make copies one day and found a party invitation sitting in the copier -- it was for a housewarming party for the math teacher.  Because it was brightly colored I couldn't help but notice that there was a copy of the invitation in several teachers' mailboxes, but I didn't receive one.  I figured that either she hadn't finished distributing the invitations or I wasn't invited; since I wasn't particularly close to the math teacher I didn't care much if I wasn't invited, and wouldn't have given it a second thought (other than a second of annoyance about having left the invitation in the copier for anyone to see if she didn't plan on inviting everyone).

But then a few days later, at lunch, with several other teachers present, the math teacher said, "I don't understand why so few of you have RSVPed to my party this weekend!" 

The computer teacher said, "I didn't RSVP because I didn't receive an invitation." and I piped up and said, "Me either."  -- thinking that, if she was talking about it in front of us,  my lack of invitation had been an oversight.

Not so.  The math teacher just said, "Oh, that's because I didn't invite you."

I said, "Oh, okay," but later on checked in with the computer teacher -- "That was kind of weird, right?  If we weren't invited, why was she talking about it in front of us?"  The infinitely older and wiser computer teacher agreed that the math teacher should have been more discreet about the details of her party. 

Unfortunately, I wasn't paying much attention to who else might have heard me say that, because later that day I was confronted by the math teacher, "I heard you were upset that you weren't invited to my party.  I can't fit everybody in my house, I couldn't possibly invite everyone."

I kind of stuttered and stammered, "No, that's fine, I understand, I wasn't upset that I wasn't invited, just confused that you were talking about it with people who weren't invited."

And she just continued with, "You should know I can't fit everybody into my house, you shouldn't take it personally that I didn't invite you."  I don't think she ever really understood that it wasn't the lack of invitation that irritated me, but her open discussion about it in front of me. 
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: siamesecat2965 on May 07, 2013, 11:16:03 AM
How sad is it that this happens in the workplace?  Shouldn't people being promoted to a supervisor position know better?

Before children, I was the only female of a team of 5.  We had worked together 3 years before I "retired".  My last Christmas there, my boss handed out gifts to the other 4.  I kept working at my desk, which was part of the group cubicle with our backs to each other.  About 2 days later, my boss stops by and says he tried to buy an amazon gift card for me because I like to read but there's a problem with his credit card and to let him know if I don't receive an email from amazon.  Never received the email.  Never let him know.  I was an outsider for years, but always participated in office activities, often times taking time away from being with my husband, so I never realized just how "low man on the totem pole" I was.  I cried my entire drive home, I was so hurt.

I, too, didn't get a "going away" party when I left.  But, by that time, I didn't care.

That's awful if it was a deliberate snub! However, pretty much every year when I buy my friend an electronic Amazon gift card, I have to remind her to check her junk mail folder, and occasionally I have to resend it because it doesn't make it to her. You know best what the "vibe" from him was; but as a generic situation, technical problems really do happen sometimes.

In this specific situation, though, he should have gotten you something else when he suspected the gift card wasn't working (assuming he was telling the truth), so he could give it to you along with the other people's gifts. He could always cancel the gift card (or ask you to cancel it) or use it for himself if it eventually went through.

Or simply say "hey, I got you an Amazon GC, but in the past I've had some issues with them being delivered, so I just wanted to make sure you got it" Or, he could have checked with Amazon to see if it had been paid for/sent, and taken it from there.  I'm guessing he never sent it, but wanted to make it seem like you had been included, and perhaps counting on the fact you might not say anything if it never showed up.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: blueyzca01 on May 07, 2013, 12:24:02 PM
Many years ago I left work on Friday evening, and said good bye to my boss.

He said "Have a good evening. See you tomorrow!"

I said "Tomorrow? Am I suppose to work OT tomorrow?"

He looked like a deer stuck in headlights and stammered "Uh, no. Um. No! No OT. Ahhhh I guess, um, I meant to say, um, see you Monday?"

I didn't think anything of it until Monday when I heard several CWs say to another CW "Great party!" "Thanks for the party!" "Your home is beautiful!" "We had such a good time!"

Turns out CW had a housewarming party and invited the whole office except for me.

For months (just the two of us would go out to lunch together at least once a week, go for coffee, etc.) I'd been listening to her regale about the construction/decoration/planning/highs and lows. I thought that we were friends.

She did poke her head into my cube at the end of the day and say "I guess you've heard by now that I had a party on Saturday night. I didn't invite you because my house isn't kid-friendly." (I was the only one in the office that had kids.) No apology. Just a simple statement of fact.

I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Okay." What else was I suppose to say after-the-fact?

Certainly not what I wanted to say "Have you never heard the term Babysitter?" I think that would have been rude.

I did, however, manage to find other things to do whenever she asked me for coffee. :-\

OH that's just wrong. It assumes you would have brought your kids regardless of whether or not they were invited, and that you wouldn't have or couldn't have gotten a babysitter. I would have wanted to respond with the same thing you didn't say, because I can be snarky like that sometimes.  Bad enough everyone but you was invited, but the added insult was her coming to you and telling you, yeah, I had a party, and you weren't invited, and this is why. jr hs behavior.

Yeah, I also would have found other things to do when she wanted to go for coffee too.

Sadly, these days, so many people are completely clueless and think that their child is welcome everywhere...even though invitations state "No children please" and people discuss how a party is adult-only.  Maybe she thought that, despite telling you that your child wasn't invited, you might have shown up with him anyway.

I've been burned before with some friends showing up with offspring that I had specifically said were not welcome....I don't invite these friends to my parties anymore.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Roe on May 07, 2013, 12:37:18 PM
Blueyzca01, that may be true but she didn't even give Jpcher a chance.  I'd have been busy when she wanted to go out for coffee as well.  I'd probably be too busy to chat with her more than a polite "hello" and "goodbye." 
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: siamesecat2965 on May 07, 2013, 01:40:19 PM
Blueyzca01, that may be true but she didn't even give Jpcher a chance.  I'd have been busy when she wanted to go out for coffee as well.  I'd probably be too busy to chat with her more than a polite "hello" and "goodbye."

Yup - that was the point I was trying to convey. Leaving someone out just because you think they might bring their kids and its adults only is just plain rude.  If someone told me I hadn't been invited to something based on the possibility I might do something the host wouldn't like, I'd be a bit put out too.

Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: CreteGirl on May 07, 2013, 02:27:45 PM
A couple of years ago, a woman in our department was celebrating a milestone birthday and invited everyone in our department to a party, except for me.

The worst part was the party was right after work.  Everyone brought their party clothes to change into at work.  Some even brought outfits and shoes for others to borrow, and there was much excitement as everyone tried on different clothes and shoes. 

I got to sit there and watch as they all got ready at the office for the big night out I was not invited to.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: Daydream on May 07, 2013, 03:09:54 PM
All of these stories are awful.  I feel for anyone who has been through this type of thing and felt hurt by it.



She did poke her head into my cube at the end of the day and say "I guess you've heard by now that I had a party on Saturday night. I didn't invite you because my house isn't kid-friendly." (I was the only one in the office that had kids.) No apology. Just a simple statement of fact.

I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Okay." What else was I suppose to say after-the-fact?

Certainly not what I wanted to say "Have you never heard the term Babysitter?" I think that would have been rude.

I did, however, manage to find other things to do whenever she asked me for coffee. :-\


I think a very natural reaction of a confused look and, "Oh?  But they would be at home with the babysitter,"  would not have been rude at all. 

I might also have added with a chuckle, "You don't mean that you think that I have to be in a childproof environment at all times now just because I have kids at homeI'm still a grownup!"

I'd hope she'd realize that she'd made a very interesting assumption.  Of course I'm thinking of this without actually having been in the moment, though.

I wouldn't want to go for coffee with her after that either.   :-\
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: VorFemme on May 07, 2013, 06:11:23 PM
Many years ago I left work on Friday evening, and said good bye to my boss.

He said "Have a good evening. See you tomorrow!"

I said "Tomorrow? Am I suppose to work OT tomorrow?"

He looked like a deer stuck in headlights and stammered "Uh, no. Um. No! No OT. Ahhhh I guess, um, I meant to say, um, see you Monday?"

I didn't think anything of it until Monday when I heard several CWs say to another CW "Great party!" "Thanks for the party!" "Your home is beautiful!" "We had such a good time!"

Turns out CW had a housewarming party and invited the whole office except for me.

For months (just the two of us would go out to lunch together at least once a week, go for coffee, etc.) I'd been listening to her regale about the construction/decoration/planning/highs and lows. I thought that we were friends.

She did poke her head into my cube at the end of the day and say "I guess you've heard by now that I had a party on Saturday night. I didn't invite you because my house isn't kid-friendly." (I was the only one in the office that had kids.) No apology. Just a simple statement of fact.

I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Okay." What else was I suppose to say after-the-fact?

Certainly not what I wanted to say "Have you never heard the term Babysitter?" I think that would have been rude.

I did, however, manage to find other things to do whenever she asked me for coffee. :-\

OH that's just wrong. It assumes you would have brought your kids regardless of whether or not they were invited, and that you wouldn't have or couldn't have gotten a babysitter. I would have wanted to respond with the same thing you didn't say, because I can be snarky like that sometimes.  Bad enough everyone but you was invited, but the added insult was her coming to you and telling you, yeah, I had a party, and you weren't invited, and this is why. jr hs behavior.

Yeah, I also would have found other things to do when she wanted to go for coffee too.

Sadly, these days, so many people are completely clueless and think that their child is welcome everywhere...even though invitations state "No children please" and people discuss how a party is adult-only.  Maybe she thought that, despite telling you that your child wasn't invited, you might have shown up with him anyway.

I've been burned before with some friends showing up with offspring that I had specifically said were not welcome....I don't invite these friends to my parties anymore.

I had it happen repeatedly in the 1980s.  To really make their visits special, Mr. would drink just enough that he couldn't drive home.  Mrs. couldn't drive (grew up in Chicago riding the El).  And the oldest was a bedwetter at 9.......he slept on a foam futon that could be hosed off & dried in the sunshine and we got rid of it when they moved away.   I liked them - but there were days when I would have happily driven them HOME after a party at our house, if we'd had a car large enough - and if there'd been any way to get back to my house (no mass transit where we lived).
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: lilfox on May 07, 2013, 09:18:02 PM
I remember a few times in grad school, when I was the new student, being invited to join a small group of people for lunch.  They would talk about the fun past weekend and their fun plans for the next weekend or whatever, without offering me an invitation for the future or acknowledging that I hadn't been invited to the past things.

I figured if they invited me for lunch, maybe they would want to hang out at other times, but a few attempts to say things like "Oh that sounds fun" or "I should try that place sometime" with no effect, I quickly found other stuff to do at lunch.  Who needs to hear about how you're being left out the rest of the time?  I found out much later that they didn't invite me to other things because I was friends with someone they didn't like, and they were afraid I would bring her too.  Nice.
Title: Re: s/o: "wasn't invited" -- after-the-fact
Post by: dietcokeofevil on May 07, 2013, 10:01:47 PM
A few years back, one of my co-workers was leaving the company and I attended her farewell lunch.  It came up at the lunch that almost everyone was also meeting after work at a local bar.  She told me that she didn't invite me, because I was pregnant.  I guess I wouldn't be able to control myself around alcohol or something.