Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Techno-quette => Topic started by: Mental Magpie on May 15, 2013, 04:42:59 PM

Title: To add or not to add?
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 15, 2013, 04:42:59 PM
I really, really, really do NOT want to add my friend's fiance on Facebook.  I think I should, though, because a) I see him at work, b) I went to her child's (his soon to be step daughter) birthday party, and c) I can see this having serious repercussions for her.

My question pertain's to "a" and "b".  Would it be considered rude to not add someone who you may run into at work?  Would it be considered rude to not add a friend's spouse when you went to their child's birthday party?
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Surianne on May 15, 2013, 04:46:51 PM
Hmm...why would you add him?  Did he friend request you? 
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Judah on May 15, 2013, 04:49:12 PM
I really, really, really do NOT want to add my friend's fiance on Facebook.  I think I should, though, because a) I see him at work, b) I went to her child's (his soon to be step daughter) birthday party, and c) I can see this having serious repercussions for her.

My question pertain's to "a" and "b".  Would it be considered rude to not add someone who you may run into at work?  Would it be considered rude to not add a friend's spouse when you went to their child's birthday party?

Friending or not friending is not a question of etiquette. I never friend coworkers, that's a straight-up policy of mine. But I also don't friend anyone I just don't want to friend. I have lots of people I see regularly in real life that I"m not Facebook friends with.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: WillyNilly on May 15, 2013, 04:50:38 PM
I wouldn't seek him out, but if it were me and he requested to me, I'd accept but hide his feed and limit what posts of mine he can see. Sort of add "lite". Its easier to keep the peace that way.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Oh Joy on May 15, 2013, 04:51:20 PM
Have to ask, is he a coworker or a guest?
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Moray on May 15, 2013, 05:10:05 PM
If you don't want to, don't. Just ignore the request.

What sort of "serious reprecussions" are you afraid of this having for her? It's generally a good policy to run screaming from anything that inserts you into someone else's relationship.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 15, 2013, 05:26:27 PM
He sent a friend request to me.

Judah, I have to disagree with you.  I think it can be rude.

Oh Joy, I'm not sure what you mean by "guest" but he is both a coworker and my friend's (also a coworker) fiance.

Well, Moray, I think me NOT adding him may make him think it was her fault...part of the reason I don't want to add him.  I don't think what she did was right, and I think she's acting pretty immaturely, but he fits way too may factors on the domestic abuse checklist.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Surianne on May 15, 2013, 05:29:18 PM
Ah, if he tried to add you, I'd go with flat-out ignoring the request.  If he says something to you in person, you can say that you keep Facebook for very close friends and family* or that you don't go on Facebook very often.

What are the repercussions you're worried about?  Understanding that might help us give advice.

*A coworker said this to me and I was not even a little bit insulted.  I don't think any reasonable person would be.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Moray on May 15, 2013, 05:32:23 PM
He sent a friend request to me.

Judah, I have to disagree with you.  I think it can be rude.

Oh Joy, I'm not sure what you mean by "guest" but he is both a coworker and my friend's (also a coworker) fiance.

Well, Moray, I think me NOT adding him may make him think it was her fault...part of the reason I don't want to add him.  I don't think what she did was right, and I think she's acting pretty immaturely, but he fits way too may factors on the domestic abuse checklist.

I like Surrianne's excuse, if he ever brings it up. Honestly, though, I think you're way overthinking this. People use FB in all sorts of different ways and it's not rude to friend or not friend at your own discretion.

"I don't think what she did was right" <-- Super confused by this. Is there backstory we're supposed to be aware of?

Again, do not allow yourself to be inserted in anyone else's relationship. That includes playing headgames with yourself over whether or not to accept this friend request.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Curious Cat on May 15, 2013, 05:38:09 PM
Not knowing any backstory I would just say that I don't have coworkers on my FB, of course this only works if you aren't friends with any other coworkers.  Otherwise Surriane's wording is good.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 15, 2013, 05:58:58 PM
He sent a friend request to me.

Judah, I have to disagree with you.  I think it can be rude.

Oh Joy, I'm not sure what you mean by "guest" but he is both a coworker and my friend's (also a coworker) fiance.

Well, Moray, I think me NOT adding him may make him think it was her fault...part of the reason I don't want to add him.  I don't think what she did was right, and I think she's acting pretty immaturely, but he fits way too may factors on the domestic abuse checklist.

There is backstory but not anything you should be aware of (as in, I didn't post it anywhere else).  It wasn't pertinent to the question so I didn't include it.  PM me if you want to know the story...


Curious Cat, I do add coworkers so that's not a good excuse.

I like Surrianne's excuse, if he ever brings it up. Honestly, though, I think you're way overthinking this. People use FB in all sorts of different ways and it's not rude to friend or not friend at your own discretion.

"I don't think what she did was right" <-- Super confused by this. Is there backstory we're supposed to be aware of?

Again, do not allow yourself to be inserted in anyone else's relationship. That includes playing headgames with yourself over whether or not to accept this friend request.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Marguette on May 15, 2013, 09:45:31 PM
Seconding what WillyNilly suggested: add him, hide his feed from your eyes, and your posts from his eyes.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: *inviteseller on May 15, 2013, 11:02:43 PM
You don't have to friend anyone for any reason.  Just because they are a friends fiance, or a cousins spouse, if you don't want to friend them, don't.  If he is going to abuse her because you didn't accept his friend request, I would talk to her about getting the heck out of that relationship.  And I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is all about drama and (I am assuming) stalking his gf through her fb friends.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Oh Joy on May 16, 2013, 05:47:08 AM
...
Oh Joy, I'm not sure what you mean by "guest" but he is both a coworker and my friend's (also a coworker) fiance.
...

IIRC, you work in a jail.  In your OP, you said you see him at work (as opposed to saying you work with him) so I wasn't sure which side of the bars he sleeps on.  Thanks for clarifying.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 16, 2013, 05:52:43 AM
...
Oh Joy, I'm not sure what you mean by "guest" but he is both a coworker and my friend's (also a coworker) fiance.
...

IIRC, you work in a jail.  In your OP, you said you see him at work (as opposed to saying you work with him) so I wasn't sure which side of the bars he sleeps on.  Thanks for clarifying.

Oooooooh! I would never add a former inmate (they don't have Internet access), wouldn't ever dream of it.  I said I see him at work because he works in a completely different area and I may only see him briefly a handful of times in a month.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: YummyMummy66 on May 16, 2013, 05:58:27 AM
I only add friends to my FB page.  I'm sorry, but I don't see why people feel the need to add everyone and anyone who friend requests them.

I don't need or want to go thru the hassle of hiding people or limiting who sees what.

He is a co-worker.  Do you see each other much socially other than the birthday party?  And why will she pay for it because you do not friend him?

It sounds like there is more to the story than you really worried about being "rude". 
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: TootsNYC on May 16, 2013, 09:39:04 AM
Click "ignore."

Just have a policy that is, "I don't 'friend' coworkers."

Or say, "I don't really friend very many people."
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: MrTango on May 16, 2013, 10:13:59 AM
The only thing you need to consider when deciding whether to "friend" a person on Facebook is whether you want to or not.

You've said you don't want do.

If anyone decides to be hurt/insulted/put out/whatever about it, that's their problem, not yours.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Moray on May 16, 2013, 10:33:26 AM
He sent a friend request to me.

Judah, I have to disagree with you.  I think it can be rude.

Oh Joy, I'm not sure what you mean by "guest" but he is both a coworker and my friend's (also a coworker) fiance.

Well, Moray, I think me NOT adding him may make him think it was her fault...part of the reason I don't want to add him.  I don't think what she did was right, and I think she's acting pretty immaturely, but he fits way too may factors on the domestic abuse checklist.

I like Surrianne's excuse, if he ever brings it up. Honestly, though, I think you're way overthinking this. People use FB in all sorts of different ways and it's not rude to friend or not friend at your own discretion.

"I don't think what she did was right" <-- Super confused by this. Is there backstory we're supposed to be aware of?

Again, do not allow yourself to be inserted in anyone else's relationship. That includes playing headgames with yourself over whether or not to accept this friend request.

There is backstory but not anything you should be aware of (as in, I didn't post it anywhere else).  It wasn't pertinent to the question so I didn't include it.  PM me if you want to know the story...


Curious Cat, I do add coworkers so that's not a good excuse.

Nah, I don't really care about the backstory, if you don't want anyone trying to take it into consideration. However, I will say that if you don't want people thinking it's pertinent, it's probably best not to drop bombs like

"c) I can see this having serious repercussions for her."

and

" I don't think what she did was right, and I think she's acting pretty immaturely, but he fits way too may factors on the domestic abuse checklist."

and expect no one to pay any attention to them.

If you truly want information pertaining only to A & B, then don't mention C? I can't see any reason to bring it up if you don't want it to draw attention and be part of the discussion, KWIM?

Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Winterlight on May 16, 2013, 11:16:00 AM
You don't have to friend anyone for any reason.  Just because they are a friends fiance, or a cousins spouse, if you don't want to friend them, don't.  If he is going to abuse her because you didn't accept his friend request, I would talk to her about getting the heck out of that relationship.  And I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is all about drama and (I am assuming) stalking his gf through her fb friends.

This. Don't add him if you don't want to.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Hmmmmm on May 16, 2013, 11:32:04 AM
MM, from your posts, this is what it sounds like to me you are asking.

I have a friend who is acting immature and making bad decisions. She's become engaged to a person who works where I work. Based on behavior, I think he may be physically abusive. He has sent me a FB friend request and I don't want to friend him but I'm afraid if I don't he could abuse my friend.

If this is accurate, then I would friend him just so I'd have more awarness of his activities but put him in a category that reduces the what posts of mine he'd have access to. 
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: JenJay on May 16, 2013, 12:10:50 PM
MM, from your posts, this is what it sounds like to me you are asking.

I have a friend who is acting immature and making bad decisions. She's become engaged to a person who works where I work. Based on behavior, I think he may be physically abusive. He has sent me a FB friend request and I don't want to friend him but I'm afraid if I don't he could abuse my friend.

If this is accurate, then I would friend him just so I'd have more awarness of his activities but put him in a category that reduces the what posts of mine he'd have access to.

Whereas, in that situation, I'd absolutely not friend him because a person like that is very likely to end up in trouble at work and I wouldn't want to be associated with him at all. If he would physically hurt her because one of her friends didn't add him to freaking facebook then she'll either wake the heck up and dump him or marry him anyway, knowing he's like that. There's nothing you can do to protect her so protect yourself.  :-\
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Lynn2000 on May 16, 2013, 04:16:28 PM
On a surface level, I don't really get the etiquette dilemma here. I don't think one is obligated to add anyone as a Facebook friend, for any reason.

Now, will not adding someone hurt their feelings/affect the relationship? That is certainly possible, but not necessarily rude. Ways around that include just letting the friend request sit there ignored and claiming you never saw it; adding them but reducing their level of access to zero; telling them you have a policy of not adding X group or that you only use Facebook for Y purpose, which isn't relevant to them.

If we are talking something like, you don't want to friend someone because you think they will use the access inappropriately, or you don't want to refuse because you think they'll physically harm someone in retaliation, we are getting into a whole weird, extreme area that etiquette is not equipped for. In that case maybe add them but reduce access, and meanwhile work on ending the situation, because the Facebook thing is just a symptom of something larger, and whatever you do re: Facebook will not really solve anything.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 19, 2013, 04:48:56 PM
MM, from your posts, this is what it sounds like to me you are asking.

I have a friend who is acting immature and making bad decisions. She's become engaged to a person who works where I work. Based on behavior, I think he may be physically abusive. He has sent me a FB friend request and I don't want to friend him but I'm afraid if I don't he could abuse my friend.

If this is accurate, then I would friend him just so I'd have more awarness of his activities but put him in a category that reduces the what posts of mine he'd have access to. 

No, that is not what I'm asking.  I'm asking what I asked in the very first post:

Quote
Would it be considered rude to not add someone who you may run into at work?  Would it be considered rude to not add a friend's spouse when you went to their child's birthday party?

Everything else I included was just to show how I ended up at these questions, my thought processes that led me to wonder if these would be considered rude.


Moray: I "dropped bombs" only to show that I felt I had a good reason to not want to add him even if it may be considered rude to not add him.  While I don't owe anyone an explanation of why I don't want to add him, I thought it was a good idea to include that I feel I have a good reasons to save someone having to ask.  It was important, to me, to know I had a good reason.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: Ereine on May 20, 2013, 12:25:29 AM
I don't think that the reasons matter. If it isn't rude to decline an invitation even when you don't have a good reason not to go, why would it be rude to decline a friend request? The rudeness can come in in the way you decline and declining can have consequences (like your friend stops inviting you if you always decline or your coworker stops talking to you if you don't friend him) but just declining isn't rude.
Title: Re: To add or not to add?
Post by: GSNW on May 24, 2013, 03:41:59 PM
I think you're okay not to add him for whatever reason you see fit.  It's not rude, you're allowed to decide who has access to you and in what way - this includes FB.

I had this issue with a co-worker once and also could not use the "I don't add co-workers" excuse.  I ignored her request, and one day she said, "Hey, I requested you on FB!" and I replied, "Oh, I never check that thing," and beandipped.  She either believed me or understood the subtext, because she never brought it up again.