Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: Hollyandra on May 26, 2013, 08:54:45 PM

Title: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Hollyandra on May 26, 2013, 08:54:45 PM
My parents recently split up. They had been married for over 25 years and so it was quite upsetting for all of us, especially for my father as he still loved my mother but she was unhappy in the relationship.

Mother got into a new relationship 3 months later. Last week, she asked my siblings (Brother is 14 and Sister is 17) and I if we wanted to meet her new boyfriend. My brother and sister didn't want to and I thought it would be better if we all met him together at the right time. I politely explained this and said that seeing as it had only been 4 1/2 months since our parents had separated it felt a little too soon and perhaps to give it a few more months.

I got two text messages today that pretty much knocked me for six:

1. Hi Holly. It's Robert, your mum's man. Just wanted to let you know that you shouldn't blame your mum for the failed relationship. She wasn't happy with your dad so it's good I came along when I did. She's much happier now! Anyway look forward to meeting you when you're ready.

2. Hello there, I'm Rob's daughter Ally!! Hope you're well, Dad asked me to reach out to you as we could potentially be steppies! (I assume she means stepsisters). Whoohoo!! Would you be free to grab a coffee next week?? I'm just 20 minutes away from (my suburb). I'm buying! Look forward to seeing you soon. xxx. PS: I'll give you a call tomorrow and sort out a time. Ally xx

Talk about awkward! I'm in complete and utter shock. I assume that Robert has gone into my mother's phone and taken my number, because I know that my mother would never give out my number without telling me, and texted me intending to make me feel better.

I have never met these people before in my life and have never spoken to them.

What should I do Etiquette Hell? I don't want to be rude as it would make my mother upset and potentially jeopardize future relationships with these people. On the other hand I'm really quite upset and angry, especially at the dig at my father (which may or may not have been intentional) and the fact that the whole thing is quite inappropriate. I really don't want to respond to them.

Should I ignore the messages or what should I say?
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: rain on May 26, 2013, 09:10:06 PM
(((hugs)))


I am not the person to advise you (I don't blame you for being upset that total strangers are texting you)


are you comfortable enough with your mum to tell her that you're not ready to meet them ... and did she give them your number
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: lady_disdain on May 26, 2013, 09:15:40 PM
I think you should share these messages with your mother and ask her how they got your number and about the "steppies" comment. Ask her how they got your number (if she didn't give it out, she should know what her boyfriend is doing behind her back). I would also ask about the "steppy" comment.

As for the messages, I would not answer them.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: m2kbug on May 26, 2013, 09:22:44 PM
Okay.  That's weird.

I would be making a call to Mom and ask what's up.  You don't know at this point whether she gave up your number, and if she didn't, maybe she'd like to know what her boyfriend is up to.

Future steppies?  Really?  After four months? 

At this point, I think I would just call my mother and ignore the texts for now.  I agree, it's inappropriate or too forced.  It sounds like you all are still trying to digest the circumstances. 

Keep in mind, everyone is going to be out of the house in four years or so, and your mom and dad deserve to have people to share their lives with while you're off living yours, so cut her some slack here.  Still, this situation is rather odd.  You already told your mother "not now," and this happens?  Call your Mom. (and return and report)
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Cosmasia on May 26, 2013, 09:25:49 PM
I'd show your mother both messages, ask her how they got your number and then ask her what made them think you wanted contact with them yet, when you've all decided to wait.

Either she's put them up to it or they've stolen your number from her contacts, which is unacceptable and something she should then know about.
If she did put them up to it then it's a good idea to tell her that you don't want/need to be pushed into this. It's at your own pace.

Since his daughter wrote too, someone must have said something that made her think you were just dying to get to know her, what with the "steppies" comment.

Personally, I'd be ignoring both messages for now. If you find out he stole your number, I'd write or call him and tell him that it's completely unacceptable for him to do that and to not contact you again. Then block his number. But that is just me - I'd find that to be a huge boundary crossing and it's something that would make me refrain from wanting to get to know that person. Even if they are dating my parent.

Until there's more information I'm likely to give the daughter a pass for now as her message makes it seem like someone told her you really wanted to know her.

Edit: oh right if the daughter does call you, personally I'd be honest with her and tell her that you weren't seeking contact with her and that someone else must have made a mistake in giving her your number.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: RooRoo on May 26, 2013, 09:31:28 PM
I like the previous wise advice.

If you do want to respond directly to them, I'd recommend something like this:

Dear Ally/Robert,

I'm sorry, that will not be possible at this time. I haven't gotten used to my parents being separated yet. I need time, and it's way too soon for me to meet you socially. Eventually, I will, but not now and not for several months more. When I am ready, I'll tell Mother.


This is one case where I think a little JADEing is appropriate.

It's better than what EvilRoo suggests: "For dawg's sake! She's not even divorced yet! 'Steppies", my rosy red underdrawers!"
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Sharnita on May 26, 2013, 09:36:56 PM
Dear Robert,

Mom's other boyfriends have made the same arguments but i am not buying it.



Dear Allie,

Can I borrow $1, 000 since we are virtually family?



OK, I guess you probably shouldn't respond that way but it might be the most efficient way to point out that they are being a bit presumptuous.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Minmom3 on May 26, 2013, 09:37:33 PM
clipped

It's better than what EvilRoo suggests: "For dawg's sake! She's not even divorced yet! 'Steppies", my rosy red underdrawers!"

Oh, I don't know, I really LIKE what EvilRoo says.  I could say that in front of my 'sainted Grandmother'; and not offend her.  Those people are SERIOUSLY jumping the gun...
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Roses on May 26, 2013, 09:47:52 PM
Evil E likes Sharnitas response. 

Etiquette E  on the other hand.....would call your mother and tell her about these texts.  Find out how they got your number and ask her to please communicate to these new people in your life that you do not wish them to contact you.  When you are ready to meet them, you will make those arrangements with your mother.  I would then BLOCK both of their numbers.  If your mother did give out your number, I would ask her to please not do that anymore without OK'ing it with you first.

Huge red boundary flags for me with both of those texts.   From people you have never met?  Seriously?

<Hugs>
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: veronaz on May 26, 2013, 10:33:59 PM
Lots of good advice.

A text message, from someone you have not even met, telling you how to feel about your parents splitting up? 

Another goofy text message from his daughter with the “steppys” remark?

Presumptuous and lame.  ::)

I would not reply. (but I like the *idea* of texting back asking to borrow $$$.  Heehee :D )
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: cicero on May 26, 2013, 10:40:14 PM
So this is a guy your mother has been seeing for about six weeks? ( if I got the math right).

Wow. Talk about tacky and lack of boundaries!

Talk to your mother. I am interested to know how they got your number.

And, I'm hesitant to ask but is it possible that they've been dating from before?
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Slartibartfast on May 26, 2013, 11:38:01 PM
I assume you have a generally good relationship with your mom?  Tell her.  Either her boyfriend stole your number out of her phone (which is Not Okay / generally creepy behavior and she needs to know about it) or she gave him your number on purpose (which is also Not Okay and she needs to know you're not happy).  You have no obligation to sort it out with him or his daughter directly because the whole idea was to not have a relationship with them (yet) in the first place.  If your mom isn't willing to address it, just respond with "I'm not ready to talk to you so soon, sorry" and drop it.  Hopefully they will too.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: missmolly on May 26, 2013, 11:46:35 PM
Definitely tell your mum. If they've done this entirely with her knowledge then you need to have a long talk about boundaries, particularly with the steppies comment.
If they did this WITHOUT her knowledge, well, she's probably going to want to have a long talk with them.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: NyaChan on May 27, 2013, 12:10:19 AM
Joining the chorus of tell your mom and show her the texts.  If by some crazy chance it turns out that she did give them your phone number, be prepared to reassert your position firmly.  Be prepared for the possibility that she may do a reveal of a pending re-marriage (I say that only because of the daughter's text).
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: sammycat on May 27, 2013, 01:16:16 AM
I agree with everyone else to ignore the messages but show them to your mother and question her as to how they got your number. 

BF and his DD have majorly overstepped the mark. Their behaviour is very inappropriate.

This sort of thing would make me dig my heels in and refuse to meet them at all.

Did they also contact your sister and brother?
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Ceallach on May 27, 2013, 02:49:24 AM
I agree with everyone else to ignore the messages but show them to your mother and question her as to how they got your number. 

BF and his DD have majorly overstepped the mark. Their behaviour is very inappropriate.

This sort of thing would make me dig my heels in and refuse to meet them at all.

Did they also contact your sister and brother?

I also agree with this.

I am stunned at their audacity.   The implication that they know your thoughts and feelings on the topic is just outrageous - how dare they??   It could be that they are sweet, lovely people, but they have seriously misjudged this situation and clearly have no clue about the boundaries of new partners and step situations.  I say this as somebody whose parents had a horrendous break up, but I adore my stepmother and stepbrothers.  That took time though!   I can't believe complete strangers would do this. ...  I do believe it, but it stuns me!!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: aussie_chick on May 27, 2013, 03:12:52 AM
Hi All, first time poster but avid reader of the site.

I'm also wondering if your siblings received the same or similar messages? If they didn't, I was wondering why they only decided to write to you? Your mother may be able to provide some insight about that.
Either way, their behaviour is inappropriate. Sure they might have genuinely been wanting to make contact with you, but to me their texts are about what they would like without any consideration as to your wants/needs.
I agree with everyone else who said discuss it with mother first. Clearly explain your expectations around contact and that you do not want any contact of any kind at this point in time. When/if that changes, you will make that decision and you will tell mother about it if that happens. But you won't be pushed.
I would also avoid answering when she rings and at this time avoid responding to the texts
Obviously if they don't take the hint, you may need a short polite reply to let them know you don't want contact right now. But I wouldn't reply unless you have to.
I hope your mother didn't give out your contact details without your permission, especially after you explicitly told her you were not interested in contact with her new partner at this time.
Hope you can get to the bottom of it and I hope it works out for you. Sounds like a pretty yucky situation for you and your family.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: sammycat on May 27, 2013, 03:20:32 AM
to me their texts are about what they would like without any consideration as to your wants/needs.

I think this is a very good point.

Hi aussie-chick and welcome to the forum!  :)
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: RingTailedLemur on May 27, 2013, 03:27:37 AM
My jaw hit the floor.  I am stunned at not only the tone of the messages but also the blatant boundary-crossing and the dig at your dad.

I wish I could give you advice but I'm just so shocked.  I agree that you should talk to your mother about it, although be prepared for the possibility that she may think they did nothing wrong.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: MariaE on May 27, 2013, 03:35:21 AM
My jaw hit the floor.  I am stunned at not only the tone of the messages but also the blatant boundary-crossing and the dig at your dad.

Not to mention that Robert's wording (wasn't happy with dad, good thing he came along when he did) almost makes it sound like your mum left your dad for Robert... which is just a kettle of worms I really wouldn't want to get mixed up in!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Oh Joy on May 27, 2013, 07:28:19 AM
I'm sorry for your family's tough times.  I'm not in your shoes, but have been through unexpected and unwanted family transitions and remember them as difficult years.

That said, I'm going a bit against the grain in that I don't see this as a huge overreach.  You declined meeting them yet by your mom's suggestion, and they reached out with a single invitation of their own.

For now, I'd remind Mom that I'm not comfortable having my number given out, and reply briefly to the boyfriend and daughter that you're still adjusting to the new dynamics and will let them know when you're ready to get to know them.

If they start hounding you after that, then it's a different scenario.

Best wishes.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Sharnita on May 27, 2013, 07:38:41 AM
I'm sorry for your family's tough times.  I'm not in your shoes, but have been through unexpected and unwanted family transitions and remember them as difficult years.

That said, I'm going a bit against the grain in that I don't see this as a huge overreach.  You declined meeting them yet by your mom's suggestion, and they reached out with a single invitation of their own.

For now, I'd remind Mom that I'm not comfortable having my number given out, and reply briefly to the boyfriend and daughter that you're still adjusting to the new dynamics and will let them know when you're ready to get to know them.

If they start hounding you after that, then it's a different scenario.

Best wishes.

See for me an invitation would be "My name is Robert, I would love to meet you whenever you are ready" not "your mom wasn't happywith your dad but luckily she met me".  And it certainly isn't "You don't know me my name is ___________ and I think we are going to be steppies.  I'm taking for granted you want to meet me so I am just going to ask when, not if".
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: KenveeB on May 27, 2013, 07:45:55 AM
I'm sorry for your family's tough times.  I'm not in your shoes, but have been through unexpected and unwanted family transitions and remember them as difficult years.

That said, I'm going a bit against the grain in that I don't see this as a huge overreach.  You declined meeting them yet by your mom's suggestion, and they reached out with a single invitation of their own.

For now, I'd remind Mom that I'm not comfortable having my number given out, and reply briefly to the boyfriend and daughter that you're still adjusting to the new dynamics and will let them know when you're ready to get to know them.

If they start hounding you after that, then it's a different scenario.

Best wishes.

See for me an invitation would be "My name is Robert, I would love to meet you whenever you are ready" not "your mom wasn't happywith your dad but luckily she met me".  And it certainly isn't "You don't know me my name is ___________ and I think we are going to be steppies.  I'm taking for granted you want to meet me so I am just going to ask when, not if".

Agreed. Not to mention that they shouldn't have been able to "reach out with an invitation of their own." If OP's Mom had followed her wishes, they wouldn't have her contact info. So either there's a problem with Mom pushing the relationship after OP asked for more time, or there's a problem with BF and his daughter stealing OP's contact information. Either one is a big red flag to me.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: lady_disdain on May 27, 2013, 08:19:32 AM
Not to mention that Robert's wording (wasn't happy with dad, good thing he came along when he did) almost makes it sound like your mum left your dad for Robert... which is just a kettle of worms I really wouldn't want to get mixed up in!

That crossed my mind as well.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: weeblewobble on May 27, 2013, 08:29:44 AM
To me, it sounds like your mom sent both messages.  There's a strange unnatural awkwardness to the language, as if someone is writing from someone else's perspective.  "Steppies," to me, sounds like an older woman trying to use cool, "hip" language.  Also, there's a very clear agenda here. Point 1) Don't be mad at your mom. Your mom is not at fault for the divorce.  She's a blameless victim. Point 2) Immediate familial intimacy with two people you barely know (who have not earned that sort of relationship with you), so your Mom can pretend that you're all one big happy family/pretend the divorce never happened. 

I would not be surprised to find that your mom "borrowed" her boyfriend's phone and the daughter's phone for some contrived reason and sent these messages.  I would ignore them.  If the messages continue, block their numbers.

ETA: If you find out that the boyfriend did send you the text, that dig about your Dad is INCREDIBLY inappropriate.  As if you should thank the boyfriend for "coming along."  The underlying message is that you don't owe your dad any loyalty and that feeling angry toward your mother is somehow wrong and "uncool" because she only wanted to be happy. Also, none of these issues are topics that you should bring up in a TEXT MESSAGE. These are "serious discussion" topics.

This whole thing smacks of immaturity and a very shallow emotional state.  I would just back away.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Oh Joy on May 27, 2013, 08:40:21 AM
Not to mention that Robert's wording (wasn't happy with dad, good thing he came along when he did) almost makes it sound like your mum left your dad for Robert... which is just a kettle of worms I really wouldn't want to get mixed up in!

That crossed my mind as well.

Yes, but it's the type of thing I wouldn't bring up if our OP didn't.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on May 27, 2013, 08:43:53 AM
My jaw hit the floor.  I am stunned at not only the tone of the messages but also the blatant boundary-crossing and the dig at your dad.

Not to mention that Robert's wording (wasn't happy with dad, good thing he came along when he did) almost makes it sound like your mum left your dad for Robert... which is just a kettle of worms I really wouldn't want to get mixed up in!

Nah, to me it just sounds like an arrogant idiot.  I've known guys like that who get a girl away from what was an unhappy relationship and the guy thinks he's the hero that "saved" her and isn't she lucky to have him, now?  ::) 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: *inviteseller on May 27, 2013, 08:55:44 AM
Wow!!  I..just...wow!!!  They got some brass ones, now don't they??!!  I would not respond to them in any way shape or form as it will cause them to keep sending these over the top messages.  I would tell your mom that they did send them, that you don't appreciate it because it is too soon for this kind of interaction, and to tell them to please not send you any more texts.  I am going to assume that your siblings are living with your dad..have they received these messages too?  The fact that this man is telling you your dad didn't make her happy, only he does is beyond rude..how dare he disparage your father.  And the steppies comment?  How old is this girl?  They are both so in your face it is ghasting my flabber in ways that have never been done!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Alpacas on May 27, 2013, 09:43:09 AM
Wow!!  I..just...wow!!!  They got some brass ones, now don't they??!!  I would not respond to them in any way shape or form as it will cause them to keep sending these over the top messages.  I would tell your mom that they did send them, that you don't appreciate it because it is too soon for this kind of interaction, and to tell them to please not send you any more texts.  I am going to assume that your siblings are living with your dad..have they received these messages too?  The fact that this man is telling you your dad didn't make her happy, only he does is beyond rude..how dare he disparage your father.  And the steppies comment?  How old is this girl?  They are both so in your face it is ghasting my flabber in ways that have never been done!

Poddity pod to this.

The mother might have been unhappy in that marriage but for the children thats usually not really obvious HOW unhappy. To them their "Happy Family" split up and  they have to get used to these new circumstances. (I am not sure if thats the same in OPs case though)
And the new Boyfriend writing a SMS like that, is definetly NOT a way to speed that process up.
He might have had good intentions and wanted to introduce himself, but simultaniously implying that OPs dad was "no good" and OPs family made her mother unhappy is really not the best.

As others have suggested, talk to your mother, OP. Depending on how you get along with her, you can open up about how you feel about her new beau contacting you and the suble implication that was in his text.



A colleague of mine had a similar experience a few years ago as the OP.
Her Dad decided he wasn't happy in the marriage anymore and left his wife. Shortly after he was with someone else.
My Colleague referes to her dad only as "That man" today for the way he handled everything and spoke ill about his ex-wife.
Not everyone is able to move on after only a few months.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Roe on May 27, 2013, 10:24:28 AM
My goodness, talk about crossing boundaries!!!!  I wonder if they care that now the OP has a less than stellar opinion of them.  I know I would.  They absolutely sound self-absorbed.  After all, who wouldn't just love and adore them?!   ::)

OP, I'd speak with your mother and ask her to please convey the message that you are not ready to communicate with them.  And I'd also ignore their texts.  Ignoring them will send the message loud and clear!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: SPuck on May 27, 2013, 10:29:29 AM
I would say talk with your mother and say that this new boyfriend broke cardinal rule number one when he texted you, he spoke about your father. You don't even have to decipher the message just show it to her then you should react depending on how she reacts.

I would just ignore the message from the daughter. Her message just sounds like she is an unwitting pawn here.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: TylerBelle on May 27, 2013, 10:30:50 AM
My jaw hit the floor.  I am stunned at not only the tone of the messages but also the blatant boundary-crossing and the dig at your dad.

Not to mention that Robert's wording (wasn't happy with dad, good thing he came along when he did) almost makes it sound like your mum left your dad for Robert... which is just a kettle of worms I really wouldn't want to get mixed up in!

This is what got to me first off, too. If you are trying to get in good with your SO's children, you do not even think about making slights toward the other parent. >:(

Otherwise, as folks in here have said, I'd ask your Mom about how BF and daughter got your information and don't respond to them unless absolutely necessary.   
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Winterlight on May 27, 2013, 10:34:02 AM
I would start by addressing my mother on this one- how did they get my info? Did she give it or was it taken?

Once I know which, I can either point out that I said I wasn't ready and she ignored my perfectly reasonable boundary, which does not make me happy, or, that her BF and his daughter are attempting to force intimacy on me without her knowledge and which I really, really don't want.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Sharnita on May 27, 2013, 10:46:35 AM
Te thing is, he went out of his way to point out that mom was unhappy and that she has managed to find happiness - a good thing according to mom and Robert.  That being the case, OP and her siblings have every right to do what they need to to assure their happiness. If that includes waiting to meet these new people, offering dad moral support, working through their own feelings - why would mom and Robert begrudge them that?
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Dr. F. on May 27, 2013, 10:54:23 AM
You think you've seen everything on eHell, an then something like this pops up! ???

I POD all those that say speak to your mom and ask how they got the #s. You may also wish to point out that this was the OPPOSITE of a favorable first impression of her new BF for you. Speaking only for myself, a text like that would throw me solidly into Dad's camp an it would take time to rebuild bridges with Mom, not to even mention the new BF.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Pen^2 on May 27, 2013, 11:57:16 AM
Holy wow...

You explained to your mother that you aren't emotionally ready yet but will be later, and this results? I hope you're coping, because I know I would be struggling!

The two texts are very disregarding of your boundaries (steppies? Really?) They have lots of self-justification and both tell you what to do, and at no point do these messages show that the senders care about you at all. The comment from the boyfriend about how your mother was unhappy until he came along and saved the day is just hurtful, especially when you are still coming to terms with the divorce. And the implications he makes are plain nasty.

They may not have intended things this way, of course, and may just be clueless. But in any case, they have blatantly disregarded your feelings in the situation and haven't considered you at all in all this.

You need to show your mother the texts. Find out if she gave them your phone number or if it was sneakily taken (she'll need to know this ASAP). If she gave it, then she may not have been clear on what you explained to her, or perhaps the boyfriend convinced her otherwise. It looks very possible that there is a lot of pressure coming from him in all this. Explain to her again that you aren't blaming anyone (unlike what the boyfriend's message rather rudely states) and that it's just a big change and you need time emotionally to get used to it. Pushing things to go too fast will destroy any chance of a good relationship with these strangers.

Please keep us updated if possible. This is an awful thing to have happened and I really hope it's resolved easily.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Allyson on May 27, 2013, 02:02:04 PM
How old is Ally? I do have some sympathy for her if she's quite young and was perhaps told that you really wanted to meet her, and she should send this text, no really, do it for your dad! kind of thing. Not that that means you should answer her, but I wouldn't necessarily throw her in the same boat as Robert, for whom I have no excuse. If they really did write those messages, since as another poster said they seem quite odd.

Good luck, this sounds really stressful!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: snowdragon on May 27, 2013, 02:17:42 PM
Honestly - this would would assure me that I never want to meet this man. He has no call to make digs at the OP's dad and if anyone took a swipe at my father, there would be ehell to pay.

 I would be responding - 'dear robert, do not contact me again - and tell your daughter the same. the comments you made about my father were unwarranted and unappreciated. I am having your number blocked'   

I would ask mom if she gave my number to this stranger (to me) and if so I would be livid.

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Sara Crewe on May 27, 2013, 02:45:27 PM
How old is Ally? I do have some sympathy for her if she's quite young and was perhaps told that you really wanted to meet her, and she should send this text, no really, do it for your dad! kind of thing. Not that that means you should answer her, but I wouldn't necessarily throw her in the same boat as Robert, for whom I have no excuse. If they really did write those messages, since as another poster said they seem quite odd.

Good luck, this sounds really stressful!

This is what I was thinking - if Ally has no idea that the OP's mother is in the process of a divorce and has been told that this is a long standing relationship and the OP is dying to meet her ahead of a wedding that is coming up soon, this is actually a very nice, friendly text.

Robert on the other hand has no excuse unless, of course, the OP's mother didn't pass on her desire not to meet him yet.  Mind you, even if that is the case the phrasing of the text is appalling - he manages to slur the OP's father and imply an affair in a few short lines.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: delabela on May 27, 2013, 02:49:46 PM
This is one of the most boundary-tromping things I can imagine someone doing.  As people said earlier, maybe not on the daughter's part, depending on her understanding of the situation, but Robert...I have no words.

I can not even begin to think of any polite reply other than ignoring the texts.  What can you even say? 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Harriet Jones on May 27, 2013, 03:12:27 PM
Yuck.  At a minimum, OP, you need to let your mom know that it's still too soon for this kind of contact. 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Surianne on May 27, 2013, 03:52:55 PM
These texts are *so* inappropriate that I actually am agreeing with the poster upthread who thinks they sound fake -- like your mom sent them both.

I agree with those who say not to be too harsh on the daughter, since you have no idea what she's been told.  The father's text was beyond out of line.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: veronaz on May 27, 2013, 04:00:14 PM
This is one of the most boundary-tromping things I can imagine someone doing............  [snip] 

delabela, if you don't copyright the term "boundary-tromping" immediately, I plan on stealing it!   ;D

@weeblewobble:
Quote
I would not be surprised to find that your mom "borrowed" her boyfriend's phone and the daughter's phone for some contrived reason and sent these messages. 
Interesting theory.  Except for the daughter's lunch invite.....sounds like Robert & daughter DID send the text msgs (perhaps at Mom's urging/prodding).
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Otterpop on May 27, 2013, 04:14:36 PM
If the texts really came from father and daughter, they are aggressive, impatient and immature - big red flags.  It would take most people a lot more than 4 months to get over a 25 year marriage and then play happy families with the "steppies."  Who knows if these new people are transitional, temporary or a bad fit?  Why invest time with the new guy and family if the mother hasn't known him that long.  I would be alarmed for my mother, tell her what happened and tell them to back off until enough time has passed.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: gemma156 on May 27, 2013, 04:15:15 PM
25 years is a lot of time invested in a family unit.  It's ok for you and your siblings requiring time to come to terms with your feelings of grief and loss over the changing dynamics of your family.  Take as long as you feel comfortable in adjusting without feeling any guilt in doing so. 
My advice to the txt's would be don't respond, just block the numbers and go about your business.  By issuing a dignified silence you can't say anything hurtful or damaging to the relationship with your mother, while you adjust to your new family situation.  When your ready and their still there with your mother then you can slowly get to know them by intergrading with your mother's new life.

Change is a part of life and sometimes it can be a painful one to have to navigate, take care.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Twik on May 27, 2013, 06:20:15 PM
Why am I reminded of the baby on Dinosaurs going "Gotta love me!"?

Seriously, this is overstepping boundaries but more importantly it is rushing intimacy beyond all normal standards. You may have to love infants, but not grown men and putative stepsisters  of indeterminate age. I wonder if he's rushed your Mom the same way. If so, you should watch for the inevitable end game of people who want to be loved before you get to know them. It's usually not on the up and up.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Otterpop on May 27, 2013, 07:02:40 PM
Why am I reminded of the baby on Dinosaurs going "Gotta love me!"?

Seriously, this is overstepping boundaries but more importantly it is rushing intimacy beyond all normal standards. You may have to love infants, but not grown men and putative stepsisters  of indeterminate age. I wonder if he's rushed your Mom the same way. If so, you should watch for the inevitable end game of people who want to be loved before you get to know them. It's usually not on the up and up.

Yep this.  He may be rushing your mother the same way.  That is a big red flag.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: katycoo on May 27, 2013, 09:35:58 PM
Honestly - this would would assure me that I never want to meet this man. He has no call to make digs at the OP's dad and if anyone took a swipe at my father, there would be ehell to pay.

 I would be responding - 'dear robert, do not contact me again - and tell your daughter the same. the comments you made about my father were unwarranted and unappreciated. I am having your number blocked'   

I would ask mom if she gave my number to this stranger (to me) and if so I would be livid.

Hang on, as much as I agree the messages are inappropriate, Robert did NOT make any digs about the OP's father, or any comment about him per se at all.  He said that OP's mother wasn't happy in her relationship with him - which is a comment about OP's mother, not OP's father.
Lets not read into things whcih weren't said.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: snowdragon on May 27, 2013, 09:49:40 PM
Honestly - this would would assure me that I never want to meet this man. He has no call to make digs at the OP's dad and if anyone took a swipe at my father, there would be ehell to pay.

 I would be responding - 'dear robert, do not contact me again - and tell your daughter the same. the comments you made about my father were unwarranted and unappreciated. I am having your number blocked'   

I would ask mom if she gave my number to this stranger (to me) and if so I would be livid.

Hang on, as much as I agree the messages are inappropriate, Robert did NOT make any digs about the OP's father, or any comment about him per se at all.  He said that OP's mother wasn't happy in her relationship with him - which is a comment about OP's mother, not OP's father.
Lets not read into things whcih weren't said.

Quote
1. Hi Holly. It's Robert, your mum's man. Just wanted to let you know that you shouldn't blame your mum for the failed relationship. She wasn't happy with your dad so it's good I came along when I did. She's much happier now! Anyway look forward to meeting you when you're ready.

Per the bolded -  could be taken as "blame dad since he didn't make her happy." And that is a dig at dad, especially when followed up by the italicized. 

And I am not the only one who read them that way ( there are at least 3 references to this being a "dig", a "slight" or "nasty" before mine. If I were the only one reading it that way - I might re-evaluate.

 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: amylouky on May 27, 2013, 09:59:04 PM
Wow. I'd be tempted to reply with, "I'm sorry, that won't be possible as I am still grieving the loss of my family."
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: LifeOnPluto on May 27, 2013, 10:32:28 PM
Wow. Definitely show the messages to your mum. But - as a PP stated - be prepared for the unfortunate possibility that she'll take Robert and Ally's side, and claim they did nothing wrong in sending you the texts.

I like the idea of sending back a very short, neutral response to Robert and Ally, saying that you aren't ready to meet them yet. I wouldn't ignore them altogether, or send back a "how dare you contact me?" type message, as who knows what will happen in the future? It's possible your mum WILL end up marrying Robert. In which case, they WILL be your family, and you will have to spend time with them at some point.

Oh, and ((hugs)). This is a sucky situation that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: *inviteseller on May 27, 2013, 10:34:14 PM
It was a dig at her dad...her dad wasn't able to make her happy, but looky looky I am making her so happy!  This guy sets me creep-o meter off, so does his over the top daughter.  The steppie comment is just weird..I have never heard anyone talk like that!  Something tells me, OP, that you and your siblings need to stay far,far,far away from this guy. 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: sammycat on May 27, 2013, 10:59:51 PM
It was a dig at her dad...her dad wasn't able to make her happy, but looky looky I am making her so happy!  This guy sets me creep-o meter off, so does his over the top daughter.  The steppie comment is just weird..I have never heard anyone talk like that!  Something tells me, OP, that you and your siblings need to stay far,far,far away from this guy.

I agree!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: poundcake on May 28, 2013, 03:18:56 AM
Quote
But - as a PP stated - be prepared for the unfortunate possibility that she'll take Robert and Ally's side, and claim they did nothing wrong in sending you the texts.

That's what I'm afraid of, too. That OP's mom told New Boyfriend that OP wasn't ready yet. And New Boyfriend said "Why don't I send her a nice friendly text introducing myself? And OP's mom, with stars in her eyes, went, "What a brilliant idea!" And now Holly is the one who seems unreasonable when "it was just a text!" or something.

But I also agree with others with the 1) don't respond at all, 2) block their numbers and 3) ask your mother what is up and make it clear that this was uncomfortable and unacceptable, and stick to that! Otherwise, whether it comes from your mother or from Robert, someone will push until you're sitting at a "family" BBQ where this guy bends your ear about how happy he makes your mom.  :-\
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: ClaireC79 on May 28, 2013, 03:32:26 AM
I'm not convinced from the OP that the OP explained SHE was unready - I read it as the siblings said they weren't ready and she decided to display a united front
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: cicero on May 28, 2013, 03:40:39 AM
I'm not convinced from the OP that the OP explained SHE was unready - I read it as the siblings said they weren't ready and she decided to display a united front

from the OP:

Mother got into a new relationship 3 months later. Last week, she asked my siblings (Brother is 14 and Sister is 17) and I if we wanted to meet her new boyfriend. My brother and sister didn't want to and I thought it would be better if we all met him together at the right time. I politely explained this and said that seeing as it had only been 4 1/2 months since our parents had separated it felt a little too soon and perhaps to give it a few more months.

it looks like she *did* explain it to her mother.

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: ClaireC79 on May 28, 2013, 03:49:24 AM
I read it slightly differently, and focused on a different part than you highlighted - the 'My brother and sister didn't want to and I thought it would be better if we all met him together at the right time'

I do think the texts were out of line (exception for the daughter if she had been told the OP wanted to meet her) and it doesn't matter WHY she doesn't want to meet him yet but if the texts weren't also sent to the siblings that the mother may have a slightly skewed idea
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Gyburc on May 28, 2013, 05:30:25 AM
Good grief. I can sort of see why the daughter (and the new boyfriend) might want to reach out to you, but it's way, way too much and way, way too soon.  I don't see anything necessarily sinister in either text, even the boyfriend's - he may be picking up on some of your mother's anxieties and trying to mend fences on her behalf, but it honestly isn't his place.

OP, I'm sure you've checked this already, but I really hope they haven't sent similar texts to your brother and sister. I can see that getting terribly painful for all concerned. I agree with the PPs - do talk to your mother about this and ask her to tell boyfriend and daughter not to contact you again. The response will show you whether you need to start worrying.

(Regarding the 'way too soon' comment above, my mother died in 2009 and Dad remarried last year. Very fortunately, he has married a lovely woman with whom I'm becoming good friends. But even so, when he first let me know he was dating her it was a Big Deal for me. And I'm 39!)

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: faithlessone on May 28, 2013, 05:57:26 AM
I agree with the PPs. Both of these texts were way beyond boundaries, and you need to talk to your mum, OP.

One question - you say your siblings are 17 & 14, how old are you? How old is Allie? Is it possible that Robert/your mum think that you're more open to this new relationship, and they're trying to gauge how much?
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Roe on May 28, 2013, 07:17:58 AM
I'm really curious as to what happens now.  My parents divorced and it was hard adjusting to the "new" normal but had my mom's boyfriend done something like this to me, I never would've been able to accept his presence in my life.  Luckily, he knew when to step back and let us adjust.  As a result, our family still misses him.  (he passed away about three years ago) 

OP, any updates? 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Margo on May 28, 2013, 08:00:43 AM
I agree that it is apprpriate for you to speak to your mother, show her the texts, and explain how uncomfortable they made you feel, and that they went against what you had said to her.

However, looking at it slightly from the other side:

You told your mother that you and your siblings didn't want to meet her partner. He (or your mom, or both) may have felt that a text was a first step towards that. A text is not a meeting. I think this comes over from bob's text - he seems to be trying (clumsily) to open a door to future meetings.

I agree that the comment about your mom not being happy can be read as a dig at your dad but I wonder if this is to some extent down to the lack of tone and context in a text. I wonder whether your mom had had a conversation with Bob where she'd made some comment such as "They don't want to meet you - I think they blame me for the break up and disapprove of the fact I've met someone new" 'Don't blame your mom' doesn't automatically mean' blame your dad' - it may equally mean - 'don't blame anyone - these things happen' (and of course his understanding of what happened and why the marriage ended will be based on what your Mom has told him

I think the whole text can be read as a well meant but clumsy attempt by Bob to take on board your reluctance to meet and to try to address the (perceived) reasons.
obviously that doesn't in any way mean that your reaction to it is not perfectly valid, but I think there is a strong possibility that this is well meaning but clumsy, rather than deliberately ignoring your boundaries. For that reason, when you do speak to yyou Mom, I would be very clea in focusing on hopw the messages made you feel;

e.g. "I felt that this was putting pressure on me"
" I was surprised as when I told you we were not ready to meet Bob, I also meant I didn't want to speak to him or hear from him, so when he texted me I felt as if he was ignoring that boundary"
"I felt that his comment about not blaming you came over as a dig at dad, and I feel uncomfortable with that"
"Him telling me not to blame you made me feel I was expected to pick sides. I don't want to apportion blame between you and dad"

The daughters text specifically says she was asked to contact you so I would give her a pass- she's got the message at least third hand (you spoke to you mom, your mom spoke to Bob, Bob spoke to his daughter) She may well have been told nothing more than "It's be nice for you and my girlfriends children to get to know each other - here's her number, an you give her a text or call?. She's trying to be friendly (and of course, she may be over-compensating for any doubts she has about her dad being in a new relationship, too) I would be inclined to reply with a brief text saying something like "thanks for the offer. Our parent's separation is very recent so we're not ready to start getting to know Bob or his family yet." it doesn't encourage any future communication but equally it doesn't lose the door on it, in the event that Bob and your mom do stay together and you do get to know them in the future.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: DavidH on May 28, 2013, 10:19:29 AM
I think the first thing is to find out the entire story from your mother.  Neither message makes it clear that they knew she suggested a meeting and you and your siblings declined.  Did she give them the number, what did she tell them, etc. That kind of decides how to interpret the messages.  I think they heard a very different version of how the conversation around meeting them went with your mother than the one you describe. 

If you don't want to rule out a relationship with them in the future, I'd avoid anything drastic like blocking all future messages or that type of thing, particularly if your mother gave them your number and told them a very different version of events than you described. 

I can see how you can read Robert's message as a dig at your father, but another reading is don't blame your mother, these things just happen.  Isn't it great that she can be happy now.  It also sounds to me like they met prior to the divorce and he was the catalyst for it, but that would be a question to ask your mother in person if that's how you read it too.  I can't imagine he'd mean to imply that in the same text as he's saying hi let's meet, so I think it is a case of being poorly worded all around.

The daughter's message sounds immature, but not mean spirited.  It seems like she heard that the relationship between your mother and Robert is moving forward and there are thoughts of marriage (the steppies comment).  It also sounds to me like she has head that you want to meet, or at least didn't decline a meeting. 

These messages are a great example of when a text message is just not appropriate and ether a phone call or live meeting is needed. 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: veronaz on May 28, 2013, 10:44:45 AM
Quote
These messages are a great example of when a text message is just not appropriate and ether a phone call or live meeting is needed. 

POD.

For Robert to say what he did via text message is just really.........ugh.
(http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-basic/puke.gif)
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: bah12 on May 28, 2013, 10:48:40 AM
I'm also in the ignore and share the messages with your mom camp.  I think it was considerate of your mother to ask you if you wanted to meet her boyfriend first.  And you all said "no".  Everyone needs to respect that.  Not to do so is rude.  To go even further, pressuring you (via  text or otherwise) to meet them, isn't likely going to make you want to meet them any sooner, and probably a lot later. 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: snappylt on May 28, 2013, 11:38:42 AM
Wow. I'd be tempted to reply with, "I'm sorry, that won't be possible as I am still grieving the loss of my family."

I'm leaning toward the do not reply suggestions.

However, if you do decide to reply, Amylouky's suggestion above seems to me  like a wording you should consider. It is brief, polite, and it gets your point across.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: cwm on May 28, 2013, 11:42:08 AM
A colleague of mine had a similar experience a few years ago as the OP.
Her Dad decided he wasn't happy in the marriage anymore and left his wife. Shortly after he was with someone else.
My Colleague referes to her dad only as "That man" today for the way he handled everything and spoke ill about his ex-wife.
Not everyone is able to move on after only a few months.

Do you work with me? When my parents divorced, my father not only said things about my mom, but left her and me on the hook with his new woman's angry ex. I'm finally getting to the point where I can speak about my past with him without it being terribly tainted with what he's done since then.

IMO, Robert and Ally overstepped their bounds massively. It may be that Robert doesn't feel that he's being inappropriate in trying to befriend his new girlfriend's daughter, but the jibes at your dad are wrong. It doesn't matter if they were meant lightheartedly, it doesn't come across that way via text. At all. And having his daughter text too? It sounds like Robert or your mom is going overboard and trying to get you on board with the "new" family to try to get your siblings on as well.

My dad, well meaning though he was, tried to play my sister and I against each other in order to get us to accept his new wife, but all it did was get us closer to each other while we compared what he'd said to each of us. Talk to your siblings and see if Robert or Ally have tried the same thing with them. Get the evidence to your mom and try to explain to her that you're happy that she's moved on with her life and you're glad for her happiness, but it's still too soon for you and your siblings. Tell her that the more she pushes the rel@tionship, the more you're likely to resent it and make it feel like you were shoved into it. Reassure her that you will eventually come around when you're ready.

If he is going to be part of her life for a long time, that's great for her for moving on. But familiarity and family bonds can't be forced, they have to grow on their own.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: acicularis on May 28, 2013, 12:08:10 PM
Robert and Ally may have meant well, but this really comes across as pushy. I would definitely ask your mother how they got your number, and tell her not to give your number to anyone without your permission.

I like the idea of sending back a very short, neutral response to Robert and Ally, saying that you aren't ready to meet them yet. I wouldn't ignore them altogether, or send back a "how dare you contact me?" type message, as who knows what will happen in the future? It's possible your mum WILL end up marrying Robert. In which case, they WILL be your family, and you will have to spend time with them at some point.

I also think that is a good idea. You might not want to burn any bridges, in case Robert and his daughter do become a permanent part of your mother's life. You don't have to say all that much, just say that as you told your mother, you are not ready to meet them yet.

But if they contact you again, I would ignore it.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: gramma dishes on May 28, 2013, 12:22:22 PM
...   You might not want to burn any bridges, in case Robert and his daughter do become a permanent part of your mother's life. You don't have to say all that much, just say that as you told your mother, you are not ready to meet them yet.

But if they contact you again, I would ignore it.

I agree with this. 

But the very first thing I would do, before responding to either Robert or his daughter, is find out how they got your information.  If Mom gave it to them, that's a betrayal, deliberate or not, and you need to let Mom know you don't appreciate her doing that. 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: veronaz on May 28, 2013, 12:26:18 PM
Quote
If Mom gave it to them, that's a betrayal, deliberate or not, and you need to let Mom know you don't appreciate her doing that. 

Mom definitely has some explaining to do.  On the surface it looks like Robert and his daughter were out of line, but if Mom nudged tham that's another matter.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: m2kbug on May 28, 2013, 12:46:00 PM
I read it slightly differently, and focused on a different part than you highlighted - the 'My brother and sister didn't want to and I thought it would be better if we all met him together at the right time'

I got the same impression as you, that the OP was more open to the idea.  With that thought in mind, if the OP chooses to meet with them separate (and first), she can help pave the way for the younger sibs.  There's really no wrong way to go here.

I still think the text was odd, and had similar "red flags" that have been expressed, but didn't want to leap to any huge conclusions.  I find it worrisome, and the "steppy" seems to have a different idea of how this rel@tionship is going than the OP...makes 'ya wonder. 

Mom having not dated for some 25 years, maybe she's just overly giddy, new rel@tionships are always exciting, and a little unsure how to maneuver the introductions with the kids.  I never met the boyfriends/girlfriends until things were pretty serious.  I think I met a total of 5, the latter 2 becoming stepparents.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Zilla on May 28, 2013, 01:20:45 PM
I too would ignore and just meet  them when you're ready.. Between your mil's partner hitting on you and now this, crazy!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Shoo on May 28, 2013, 01:25:51 PM
I too would ignore and just meet  them when you're ready.. Between your mil's partner hitting on you and now this, crazy!

I think that was a different poster, Hollandra.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: NyaChan on May 28, 2013, 01:26:32 PM
I too would ignore and just meet  them when you're ready.. Between your mil's partner hitting on you and now this, crazy!

I think that was a different poster, Hollandra.

Yup.  Different poster.  I keep having to double check the names too, very similar :)
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Zilla on May 28, 2013, 01:43:05 PM
I too would ignore and just meet  them when you're ready.. Between your mil's partner hitting on you and now this, crazy!

I think that was a different poster, Hollandra.

Yup.  Different poster.  I keep having to double check the names too, very similar :)

Oops, they even use the same terms too. Sorry OP, disregard the second half of my post.  :)
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Redneck Gravy on May 28, 2013, 01:54:07 PM
Wow. Definitely show the messages to your mum. But - as a PP stated - be prepared for the unfortunate possibility that she'll take Robert and Ally's side, and claim they did nothing wrong in sending you the texts.

I like the idea of sending back a very short, neutral response to Robert and Ally, saying that you aren't ready to meet them yet. I wouldn't ignore them altogether, or send back a "how dare you contact me?" type message, as who knows what will happen in the future? It's possible your mum WILL end up marrying Robert. In which case, they WILL be your family, and you will have to spend time with them at some point.

Oh, and ((hugs)). This is a sucky situation that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I agree with this.  Definitely the neutral text back.    WoW, oh, Wow - the boundaries some will cross  :(

My stepdad asked me if I would like to call him Dad - right after they broke up their respective marriages and started seeing each other   :o    What I actually called him later in life is defintiely not eHell approved. 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Pioneer on May 28, 2013, 03:01:34 PM
Why am I reminded of the baby on Dinosaurs going "Gotta love me!"?

Seriously, this is overstepping boundaries but more importantly it is rushing intimacy beyond all normal standards. You may have to love infants, but not grown men and putative stepsisters  of indeterminate age. I wonder if he's rushed your Mom the same way. If so, you should watch for the inevitable end game of people who want to be loved before you get to know them. It's usually not on the up and up.

Yep this.  He may be rushing your mother the same way.  That is a big red flag.

I'm with Twik and Otterpop.  My Creep-O-Meter is twanging.   

Other posters have focused on two scenarios:  Mom gave out your number, or Boyfriend hacked into her phone's contact list.  I see a third:  Mom gave out your number . . . but felt pressure to do so.  See if you can have that conversation with your mother - in private!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: veronaz on May 28, 2013, 03:30:53 PM
Quote
My Creep-O-Meter is twanging.   

Love this.   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: cheyne on May 28, 2013, 05:52:05 PM
Speak to your mother about the texts.  Find out if she purposely gave BF your number or if he got it some other way.  The fact that she's been seeing this man for only 6 weeks and is already trying to get him to meet her kids is alarming to me.  You may want to talk to your brother and sister to see if they have also been texted by this man and his daughter. 

I would ignore their texts for now.  Give yourself time, you owe these people nothing.  Your family fell apart only 4.5 months ago and NO ONE should expect you to make nice with strangers that just happen to know your mum. 

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: baglady on May 28, 2013, 09:42:05 PM
Given the timeline, I strongly suspect that your mom's relationship with Robert is serious and he's not just her "boyfriend of a few weeks." As in, either she fell in love with Robert while she was still married (not judging, it happens), or they hit it off as friends and decided to take it to the next level once she was free.

Whichever is true, it sounds as if she, Robert and Ally are living in a Brady Bunch fantasy world: Of course all the children will accept that their mom and dad have found The One, are meant to be together and all the "steppies" (stepparents, stepchildren and stepsiblings) will get along beautifully just like on TV.

I don't think either Robert or Ally is being creepy ... just clueless as to the impact this new situation is having on you and your siblings. Ignore the texts for now and concentrate on your own emotional health, and you will be better equipped to deal with Robert and Ally becoming permanent fixtures in your mother's life if it comes to that.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Ceallach on May 29, 2013, 02:38:50 AM
OP, can I suggest whatever course of action you take that you try to keep your emotions out of it when dealing with them?   I get the impression they are trying to placate you and force you into something you are not ready for.  The best way to combat that is to take the higher ground, respond neutrally, so that they can't dismiss you as irrational / dramatic / emotional.    Make it clear that any discussion on how you are feeling is to be between you and your family members.    I've been there and it's a highly emotional situation, but if you focus on objective facts it's harder for them to try to push their agenda onto you.  "I'm not interested" is much more effective than "I don't feel comfortable with that" or "I'm not ready because I'm still recovering from the divorce".      Remember that you don't owe them anything.   This is between you and your mother, you don't have a relationship with these people.   

I still think the best course of action is to ignore them completely and deal only with your mother, but just wanted to include the above as based on their previous conduct it's possible they'll be forced upon you again.      If I were you, I'd be inclined to say to my mother:   "Mom, you know that I told you I may be ready in a few months to meet them but that now was too soon.  These unsolicited messages from them make them seem pushy and quite frankly rude.   I was serious about meeting them in a few months but now I'm not sure if I have any interested in meeting them whatsoever.  Please tell them not to contact me again".      Obviously you will meet them at some point if the relationship continues, but I think it's worth letting her know exactly how off-putting this incident is.   Honestly I can't stop thinking about this thread, this situation really bothers me.  Trying to force somebody a relationship onto somebody while they are still dealing with a highly emotional family situation just seems.... so wrong.   
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Steve on May 29, 2013, 04:22:21 AM
Well, after 6 pages of the same type of advice, I am ready to ask the OP for an update?
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: LifeOnPluto on May 29, 2013, 06:06:54 AM
I'd like to hear an update too!

I must say, it's been really refreshing to read the responses. When I saw the OP's first post, I feared that people would be telling her things like "Your mom and Rob are a social unit now, so you need to treat them as such, and meet him" or even "This your mom! Don't you care about her happiness?! Buck up and support her by meeting her new man!"
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: rashea on May 29, 2013, 08:09:32 AM
I'd like to hear an update too!

I must say, it's been really refreshing to read the responses. When I saw the OP's first post, I feared that people would be telling her things like "Your mom and Rob are a social unit now, so you need to treat them as such, and meet him" or even "This your mom! Don't you care about her happiness?! Buck up and support her by meeting her new man!"

If it had been 4 years, you'd get that. At 4 months, not so much.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: veronaz on May 29, 2013, 11:34:14 AM
Quote
If it had been 4 years, you'd get that. At 4 months, not so much.

It's only been 6 weeks.    :-\
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: rashea on May 29, 2013, 11:55:01 AM
Quote
If it had been 4 years, you'd get that. At 4 months, not so much.

It's only been 6 weeks.    :-\

I meant since the parents split up.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: alis on May 29, 2013, 06:41:11 PM
I'm so sorry :( I went through a similar instance 3 years ago (my parents were even still living together). It's AWFUL. I think some people forget that adult children are still their children, and act as if they are a 'buddy' instead.

My response (which was a Facebook message from her new boyfriend) was something along the lines of "my mother is still married to my father, do not contact me". Polite? No? I don't care.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Calistoga on May 29, 2013, 06:46:14 PM
The boyfriend reads as creepy...but the daughter just reads as really odd. How old is this girl? What has to happen for you to think that after a very short period of time, you'd be talking about being someone's step sister? I remember getting that level of excited when I was 7.

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: gmatoy on May 29, 2013, 07:00:24 PM
I'm so sorry :( I went through a similar instance 3 years ago (my parents were even still living together). It's AWFUL. I think some people forget that adult children are still their children, and act as if they are a 'buddy' instead.

As per the bolded, Oh! Yes! It has been over 30 years since my parents divorced and I still remember the grief stricken phone call that I got from my middle sister. We hurt! And if I had gotten that type of call immediately after my parents separated ...well, there is no etiquette approved version of what I would have said!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: rose red on May 29, 2013, 08:47:27 PM
Well, after 6 pages of the same type of advice, I am ready to ask the OP for an update?

This poster started two threads about "toxic" people and have not updated in either thread.  I'm also curious about updates and if she took any action.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Twik on May 29, 2013, 10:41:08 PM
Given the timeline, I strongly suspect that your mom's relationship with Robert is serious and he's not just her "boyfriend of a few weeks." As in, either she fell in love with Robert while she was still married (not judging, it happens), or they hit it off as friends and decided to take it to the next level once she was free.

Whichever is true, it sounds as if she, Robert and Ally are living in a Brady Bunch fantasy world: Of course all the children will accept that their mom and dad have found The One, are meant to be together and all the "steppies" (stepparents, stepchildren and stepsiblings) will get along beautifully just like on TV.

I don't think either Robert or Ally is being creepy ... just clueless as to the impact this new situation is having on you and your siblings. Ignore the texts for now and concentrate on your own emotional health, and you will be better equipped to deal with Robert and Ally becoming permanent fixtures in your mother's life if it comes to that.

Actually, if the timeline were longer, I doubt the rush would be on now.

Robert sounds like he's demanding complete intimacy and acceptance right now. This does not make me think its because he's so deeply in love, it's because he wants to sweep the op's mother up in an immediate fantasy. This may be because he normally lives in a fantasy world, or it may be that he has an ulterior motive. In either case, the op needs to step very carefully, because his "ooh, I just love you all, let's not stop to think before we're all besties," attitude may just as quickly swing to "you don't love me? I'm now your worst enemy."

This is very high on the creepy scale, and I'd be surprised if he really has known the op's mother for that long. His demand for instant intimacy would have already surfaced. This is not a patient person.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Sharnita on May 30, 2013, 06:52:07 AM
I'm not at all sure it is coming from him, primarily.  It could easily be coming from mom who wants validation for her choices and their impact on others.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: veronaz on May 30, 2013, 10:08:30 AM
Yeah, I think Mom had a lot to do with what happened.  Maybe she didn’t actually send the text messages, but she’s obviously been talking a lot …….”(OP) blames me for the marriage breakup.  It would be nice if you met her and had the chance to talk,” etc., etc.

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: alis on May 30, 2013, 12:51:57 PM
I agree that mom has likely encouraged the sending of these messages. I imagine that mom has no idea how much her separation and new boyfriend has impacted the long-standing family unit (head in the clouds) and wants everyone to hold hands and sing around the world... been there done that with mind. Advice still stands, ask them to not contact you again. If you're still reading, that is :)
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: RooRoo on May 30, 2013, 05:10:54 PM
Hollyandra, please give us an update!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Nebraska Jones on June 06, 2013, 05:40:49 PM
Update?   :)
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: gmatoy on June 06, 2013, 10:25:41 PM
Add me to the update chain! ;D
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Otterpop on June 07, 2013, 06:11:23 PM
Me too!  :D
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Snooks on June 08, 2013, 05:42:00 AM
Given the poster hasn't been online since the day after she posted this and her other question I don't think we'll be getting an answer.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter: UPDATE Reply #98
Post by: Hollyandra on August 18, 2013, 09:54:21 PM
Hi all,

Apologies for the months of silence, unfortunately this story doesn't have a happy ending and I've been a bit too upset to come back and post an update.

I didn't reply to Robert and Ally, instead I called my mother and asked her if she would like to meet for coffee the next day as I wanted to have a chat (I felt a face to face meeting would be best to clear all of this up). I suggested a cafe or even my place as I thought it best that we had the discussion when Robert wasn't around (I didn't mention that to her though).

She said yes, however the next morning she texted me about 10 minutes before she was due to arrive and cancelled and suggested another time. I didn't hear from her for a week, although I texted her asking if we could reschedule. Finally after a week's silence I received the following voice message from her:

"Holly, I must say that I am throughly disappointed and upset with you. You were extremely rude to both Robert and Ally who were only trying to welcome you into our family with open arms. You need to stop being so dingdangity selfish and accept that they are a important part of my life now, I spent 24 years taking care of you and I deserve happiness. Robert has been good to me. He loves me and he takes care of me. He is a good person. I honestly can't believe my daughter is trying to deny me happiness"

Then she hung up.

I was really worried and I started thinking that Robert had forced her to say it so I went to check up on her, she wasn't home. So I called my Aunt Jane who said that mom was fine and having afternoon tea at hers.


I haven't heard a thing from Mom since then. It was my birthday on August 7 and I didn't hear anything from her. I texted her and emailed her for weeks begging to talk. I wasn't too sure if I should have given her space, but at the time I was trying to salvage our relationship. Auntie Jane, my dad, my brother and sister have been supporting me through this and trying to persuade my mother to talk to me.

Naturally I'm a mess over this, but I'm trying to get on with my life best I can.

Auntie Jane is trying to talk to Mom again when she gets back from Hawaii next week, so hopefully we can resolve this peacefully.

Will update you all asap.

 :)

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: weeblewobble on August 18, 2013, 10:02:13 PM
I am so so sorry. This is not a happy update.  Your mother is behaving very badly, not to mention irrationally.  Big hugs.  You're lovely.  You don't deserve this.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Twik on August 18, 2013, 10:07:15 PM
Oh dear.

A mother tells her daughter that her new man and his child are trying to welcome daughter into "our" family? That's rather an odd phrasing.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Hollyandra on August 18, 2013, 10:17:19 PM
Thank you.

It's just a really terrible situation and I keep going over and over in my head as to whether I should have done something differently.

I just wonder if she even misses me.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Cz. Burrito on August 18, 2013, 10:25:28 PM
That's a rather extreme reaction to an invitation to chat over coffee.  :(
Sorry you're going through this.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: LifeOnPluto on August 18, 2013, 10:34:14 PM
Oh dear.

A mother tells her daughter that her new man and his child are trying to welcome daughter into "our" family? That's rather an odd phrasing.

Twik, yes I noticed that too! Makes it sound like the OP's mum, Robert and Ally are now "the family", and that the poor OP is the outsider who needs to be welcomed into the fold.

(((hugs))) to the OP. Sadly, your mum is behaving completely selfishly. You have done nothing wrong. I am glad your siblings, dad and aunt are supporting you in all this.

I suppose you could send a brief email or letter to your mum. You could say:

"Dear Mum,

I was very surprised to receive your voicemail message, and even more surprised that you have chosen to ignore my previous attempts to contact you.

Please understand that I accept that Robert and Ally are part of your life. Please understand that I am glad you are happy.

Now I am asking you to understand me. I am not ready to meet Robert and Ally. It's too soon for me. I'm still adjusting to the divorce. In time - say [insert timeframe here] I would be happy to meet with them. But not at this point in time. 

Love, Hollyandra"
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Otterpop on August 18, 2013, 10:43:08 PM
All you did was ask your mother to meet for coffee and she's cut you out of her life?  This man and his daughter are her family now?  That is extreme.

Don't beat yourself up.  Your mother is under bad influence and is no longer playing with full deck.  You were only asking to speak to her before proceeding.  There's nothing you could have done better.  So sorry.
 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter: UPDATE Reply #98
Post by: aiki on August 18, 2013, 10:43:40 PM
"Holly, I must say that I am throughly disappointed and upset with you. You were extremely rude to both Robert and Ally who were only trying to welcome you into our family with open arms. You need to stop being so dingdangity selfish and accept that they are a important part of my life now, I spent 24 years taking care of you and I deserve happiness. Robert has been good to me. He loves me and he takes care of me. He is a good person. I honestly can't believe my daughter is trying to deny me happiness"

That attempt to shift blame, coupled with her refusal to meet with you, sounds like a guilty concience talking.

She's made a huge change in her life in splitting up with her husband, hurt her children in the process, and is now coping with the emotional fallout really badly. Although falling into another relationship so quickly with someone who seems to have a poor sense of boundaries sends up all sorts of red flags, since she's able to talk with her sister she's probably not landed in an abusive situation.

I think you can safely maintain a distant, watching brief through her sister, recognise that the hurtful things she's saying are about her, and not about you (because you're not rude, you're not selfish, and you do want your mother to be happy in the long run, right?), and wait for her defensive reaction to die down a bit before attempting to contact her again.

It's also totally OK to be hurt by the "our family" statement. Wow. 

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Corvid on August 18, 2013, 10:54:05 PM
Oh, honey.  I am so sorry.

I am the child of multiple divorces and grew up seeing divorces all around me.  From my past experiences and observations, I have to guess that it's quite possible your mom is in a somewhat self-centered honeymoon phase with her new guy and doesn't want the sticky emotional fall-out from her split with your dad to "ruin the mood".  Her children feeling bad about her split with their father makes her feel bad and she doesn't want to deal with that, so if you would all just immediately play along with her little Brady Bunch fantasy then she could be comfortable and everything would be peachy.  That she's had such an over-the-top reaction to a perfectly normal request from you, that you be given a little more time to process things, shows how very illogical she is being about this.  I mean, really?  You're trying to deny her happiness?  That's pretty melodramatic.  Her punishing you by giving you the silent treatment is pretty melodramatic too, and hurtful.

Whether your Mom and Robert like it or not, it takes kids some time to process it when parents split and you cannot force a child (and I'm talking about grown children too) to immediately accept a new mate.  It just does not work and often leads to resentment on the part of the child.  You and Robert will have to build your own relationship and that may not happen overnight no matter how much your mother wants it.  Robert and his daughter may have meant well, but their texting you was insensitive and tacky.  They and your Mom have some pretty unrealistic expectations of you and things will probably go better in the long run if they back off.

Whatever happens, I say that you haven't done anything wrong, that your expectations and needs are normal, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  Good luck.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: blarg314 on August 19, 2013, 12:48:10 AM

I'm sorry your mom is being such a self-centred idiot.

This is pretty common right after a divorce. Your mom is flinging herself into her new life, wants as little reminder of the old as possible, and is overcome with a rush of hormonal excitement.  Unfortunately, her basic relationship skills and common sense have regressed to pre-teen levels - she's referring to someone she's been dating for six weeks as her family, and she's ignoring the fact that the divorce was something drastic that happened to her kids, too.

For your mom, I'd quietly back off and let her sulk. You've made overtures, you've begged and pleaded, she's cut you off without a word.  Some counselling for you could help now, with sorting out your own feelings, and with dealing with your mother, as well as supporting your siblings. Some distance from the constant drama could help too - right now your mom has all the power, and *knows* she's punishing you. 

I suspect that eventually she'll come out of her self absorbed daze, possibly when her rebound relation falls apart, and you can work from there.

You have one big advantage here - you're an independent adult, you can distance yourself, you can independently get counselling and you can't be physically forced into family time with them.

How are your siblings coping with this?

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Steve on August 19, 2013, 01:13:44 AM
What a terrible situation! There is probably no way this will end well Hollyandra.

It seems to me that the others are very right: your mother is probably very much in her white-bread weeks with the newguy. But be prepared: when things begin to get tough with him, she might blame you for it. I think you should face the fact that your relationship with her has sustained significant damage, and there is no guarantee that she will come to her senses.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: sparksals on August 19, 2013, 01:27:34 AM
Yikes!  Has she cut off your siblings too?  She acted like this bc you didn't respond to their creepy messages?  I wonder if the guy has a dangerous.hold on her. 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Iris on August 19, 2013, 01:27:50 AM
Ouch. "Our family"? "I spent 24 years taking care of you and I deserve happiness"? "My daughter is trying to deny me happiness"? Thanks a bunch, Mom.

Your mom is being a selfish cow at the moment. I could have understood her being upset with the situation - she wants all bad feelings to just magically *go away* and you're ruining the vibe by not being super-duper gosh-darn-just-so-HAPPY for her. Taking that out on you in such a viscious and personal attack is inexcusable, though. I'm so sorry that happened and I hope you get the apology you so thoroughly deserve.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Marbles on August 19, 2013, 04:03:10 AM
Wow, Hollyandra, what a hurtful thing to have to go through with your mother. I'm sorry she hasn't had the grace to acknowledge that you were also affected by her divorce from your father and that you are entitled to your own feelings about that. And to not to send you birthday wishes is just hurtful.

I hope that you can find some equilibrium.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: aussie_chick on August 19, 2013, 04:27:42 AM
Hi Op,
I don't really have anything to add other than to say how sorry I am that you're going through this. The only thing I might offer is to not attempt further actions, not because you don't care, but perhaps because you do care and putting yourself through any more attempts at contact may do nothing to get your mum to speak to you and might instead just cause you heart ache and encourage more feelings of rejection.

One previous poster suggested an email and maybe you could do that.

In the mean time, take good care of yourself. Give yourself the attention and time you wanted to devote to your mum and be kind to yourself.

Have you spoken to your siblings (I didn't go back and read previous posts but have vague recollections of siblings of yours in the picture), not to start a war but just to indicate to them where your mum is at right now?
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: gemma156 on August 19, 2013, 05:01:30 AM
Well you definitely got your answer that yes, your mother was definitely orchestrating that first approach with her new love interest. Since it went over like a lead balloon she has with incredible immaturity now retreated behind adolescent outrage, over your refusal to play happy families.

Don't take the toddler tantrum silence to heart, you have done nothing wrong nor have you been selfish.  Treat yourself a little or go do something new, that will help to take your mind off things for a while.  In time she will calm down and come to realize what she has done, enjoy time with your dad and other close members of your family.


 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Hmmmmm on August 19, 2013, 06:38:02 AM
I'm so sorry your mom is acting this way.

I think it's time to put some major distance. I wouldn't ask your aunt to broker a truce. Instead I'd tell your aunt that until your mother is ready to recognize her actions for what they are, you prefer to have no contact.

Focus your energy on continuing a strong relationship with your siblings and Dad.

Let your mom go through her adolocent phase on her own.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on August 19, 2013, 08:55:56 AM
Ouch!! ((((Hugs!!)))) I don't have anything to offer that hasn't already been said, but you definitely have my sympathy.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: gramma dishes on August 19, 2013, 09:19:06 AM
I'm so sorry your mom is acting this way.

I think it's time to put some major distance. I wouldn't ask your aunt to broker a truce. Instead I'd tell your aunt that until your mother is ready to recognize her actions for what they are, you prefer to have no contact.

Focus your energy on continuing a strong relationship with your siblings and Dad.

Let your mom go through her adolocent phase on her own.

I totally agree with this.  There are other family members who really need your support right now and who would probably be far more willing to receive it and appreciate the attention.  Mom is sadly acting like an infant here and your pleas to 'fix' things just give her all the more feeling of power and control.  I'd say radio silence is the way to go right now as far as she is concerned. 

Not contacting you on your birthday was just a 'mean girl' tactic and it's horrifying that she's regressed to that level.  But there is nothing you can do it make her grow up and act like an adult. 

Concentrate on yourself and other family members who've been negatively affected.  She may or may not come around someday, but I don't think there's any way YOU can make that happen.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Winterlight on August 19, 2013, 11:04:07 AM
Your mom wants to brush everything under the rug and have you embrace her new life. You, understandably, are not ready to move as fast as she wants. She has responded by pitching a fit and flouncing.

The best thing you can do is to drop the rope. Don't pursue her- no calls/texts/ect. Those give her that "Yes, Holly will dance to my tune!" feeling. If she wants to act like a teenager, you can't stop her but you don't have to play along.

And (((hugs)))
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: sparksals on August 19, 2013, 11:25:17 AM
I'm so sorry your mom is acting this way.

I think it's time to put some major distance. I wouldn't ask your aunt to broker a truce. Instead I'd tell your aunt that until your mother is ready to recognize her actions for what they are, you prefer to have no contact.

Focus your energy on continuing a strong relationship with your siblings and Dad.

Let your mom go through her adolocent phase on her own.


I have to agree with Hmmmm here.  While I can understand you are upset, your pleading your mother only gives her power.  Step back and let her realize she has lost YOU.   Make HER be the one to come to you.  She will realize what she has done and then it will be on her to repair the relationship.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Goosey on August 19, 2013, 11:43:39 AM
I think it's important to remember that your mom is also going through a lot now - the end of the marriage, the anger of her children, etc. Please note that I'm not saying you're not entitled to those feelings.

She took a big step towards becoming a happier person and she wants to share that happiness with you and is craving your acceptance of her new life - a life she's been waiting to live - and she's reacting very emotionally to not receiving that acceptance because of her own feelings on the matter. She may be feeling a lot of resentment/blame coming from her kids for putting herself first in divorcing your father (thus the comment about putting you first for 20 odd years) and is dealing with that guilt.

The guy she's dating seriously overstepped boundaries (and his daughter, but maybe she doesn't know the whole story) and probably did it because he saw how upset/hurt/guilty your mother felt and wanted to bridge connections. He's probably heard from your mother about how upset everyone is and how everyone feels bad for your dad because he still loves her, etc.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't see "creepy", I see defensive, supportive, clueless and enthusiastic. But not creepy. Your mother is going through a lot right now. She's found a lot of emotional support from this guy and is probably looking for reassurance that she is not a bad person or a bad mother for divorcing from a man who couldn't make her happy and 4 months feels like long enough to wait when you've been in an unhappy marriage for a long time.

You guys not wanting to move on right now is understandable. You feel bad for your dad because he still loves her, you feel bad for yourselves because your parents split, you feel resentment towards your mother from moving on in what, to you, must seem like such a short amount of time. But, a previous poster said you are recovering from the "loss" of your family. You haven't lost your family. Your parents split, but they're still there. You're recovering from a big change in your family.

Unless there's some history I don't know, your mom is not a villain.

I guess, what I would do is say, "Mom, I love you. I want you to be happy. This is a huge change for me and I'm still adjusting. Please understand".
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Cami on August 19, 2013, 11:48:34 AM
I'm so sorry your mom is acting this way.

I think it's time to put some major distance. I wouldn't ask your aunt to broker a truce. Instead I'd tell your aunt that until your mother is ready to recognize her actions for what they are, you prefer to have no contact.

Focus your energy on continuing a strong relationship with your siblings and Dad.

Let your mom go through her adolocent phase on her own.


I have to agree with Hmmmm here.  While I can understand you are upset, your pleading your mother only gives her power.  Step back and let her realize she has lost YOU.   Make HER be the one to come to you.  She will realize what she has done and then it will be on her to repair the relationship.
POD

I would suggest that you not plead with anyone, ever, about their relationship with you. Pleading immediately gives the other person all of your power in the relationship. In their minds, your pleading proves that they are THE most important person in the world to everyone and that if they wait long enough or push you hard enough, you'll give in and do what they want.

Their minds go something like this, "She's pleading with me, which makes her lose dignity and pride. If someone's willing to give up and dignity and pride to have a relationship, then I must be hot diggity. Since I am hot diggity -- as I've always surmised -- then I just have to wait her out or push her a littl e more and I'll WIN!"
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Sharnita on August 19, 2013, 12:10:23 PM
When mom is talking about boyfriend and daughter welcoming mom's daughter into mom's family as if that were not only a reasonable thing but something OP should be thankful for - it certainly strikes me as creepy. I don't see how the bf gets the blame instead of mom on that one. If anyone should be expected to remember that OP has always been part of mom's family, it is mom.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: sparksals on August 19, 2013, 12:47:46 PM
I think it's important to remember that your mom is also going through a lot now - the end of the marriage, the anger of her children, etc. Please note that I'm not saying you're not entitled to those feelings.

She took a big step towards becoming a happier person and she wants to share that happiness with you and is craving your acceptance of her new life - a life she's been waiting to live - and she's reacting very emotionally to not receiving that acceptance because of her own feelings on the matter. She may be feeling a lot of resentment/blame coming from her kids for putting herself first in divorcing your father (thus the comment about putting you first for 20 odd years) and is dealing with that guilt.

The guy she's dating seriously overstepped boundaries (and his daughter, but maybe she doesn't know the whole story) and probably did it because he saw how upset/hurt/guilty your mother felt and wanted to bridge connections. He's probably heard from your mother about how upset everyone is and how everyone feels bad for your dad because he still loves her, etc.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't see "creepy", I see defensive, supportive, clueless and enthusiastic. But not creepy. Your mother is going through a lot right now. She's found a lot of emotional support from this guy and is probably looking for reassurance that she is not a bad person or a bad mother for divorcing from a man who couldn't make her happy and 4 months feels like long enough to wait when you've been in an unhappy marriage for a long time.

You guys not wanting to move on right now is understandable. You feel bad for your dad because he still loves her, you feel bad for yourselves because your parents split, you feel resentment towards your mother from moving on in what, to you, must seem like such a short amount of time. But, a previous poster said you are recovering from the "loss" of your family. You haven't lost your family. Your parents split, but they're still there. You're recovering from a big change in your family.

Unless there's some history I don't know, your mom is not a villain.

I guess, what I would do is say, "Mom, I love you. I want you to be happy. This is a huge change for me and I'm still adjusting. Please understand".


I completely disagree.  She decided to up and leave the family and three months later is hot and heavy with a man that sends text messages to her daughter he never met.  While she is entitled to be happy, that doesn't mean her children have to accept or like her choices.  The mother did not give them a chance to learn to deal with the new situation b/c she jumped into this NEW family so gosh darn fast.


The fact she has ceased all communication with her daughter b/c she didn't return unsolicited texts is way over the top AND ignored her daughter's birthday is heinous and not the actions of a loving mother. 


She has shown ZERO understanding for the grieving her children are going through.  As the adult, SHE should be showing far more grace and it turns out the KIDS are the ones with the most class and dignity.  Not her.  They don't just pick up one day and accept and understand how she ripped apart the family. 


 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Goosey on August 19, 2013, 01:06:56 PM
She didn't leave the family. She got a divorce because she was unhappy. She is still their family.

Nobody can decide for her how soon after her divorce she can move on. She's divorced. She sounds like she struggled with that decision for a long time.

She is not obligated to stay in an unhappy marriage for her adult children's comfort.

She's being very dramatic and emotional right now. I'm just asking to look at the human aspect of it before telling her that her mother is obviously a bad person and she should wash her hands of her.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: TurtleDove on August 19, 2013, 01:13:42 PM
I don't have a problem with the mother leaving her marriage and subsequently finding happiness with a new man.  I would have a problem had she been unfaithful to the father before ending the marriage, but my main problem with the mother here is her inability to see that this is HER new relationship and not her adult daughter's new relationship.  I think the mother could handle this situation with grace but instead she is lashing out at her daughter for reasons that to me signal the mother is uncomfortable with how the situation played out (meaning, she herself sees herself as the bad guy). 

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: gramma dishes on August 19, 2013, 01:17:12 PM
She didn't leave the family. She got a divorce because she was unhappy. She is still their family.



...   "Holly, I must say that I am throughly disappointed and upset with you. You were extremely rude to both Robert and Ally who were only trying to welcome you into our family with open arms. ...
 

Actually Goosey, it sounds to me like she DID leave her family and has replaced it with another man and daughter that she now considers "our family". 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Eeep! on August 19, 2013, 01:22:12 PM
She didn't leave the family. She got a divorce because she was unhappy. She is still their family.



...   "Holly, I must say that I am throughly disappointed and upset with you. You were extremely rude to both Robert and Ally who were only trying to welcome you into our family with open arms. ...
 

Actually Goosey, it sounds to me like she DID leave her family and has replaced it with another man and daughter that she now considers "our family".

I agree - this has gone beyond her mother being emotional but to her mother being CRUEL.  Not calling your own daughter on her birthday and ignoring all contact from her?  Sorry - any sympathy over the mother's situation goes out the window to me.  The fact of the matter is - regardless of what sort of emotional turmoil the mother is going through herself - she has made terrible decisions with respect to how she is treating her daughter and there are, sadly, natural repercussions to that.  She has effectively rejected her own daughter for her "new life".  She may eventually come to her senses but the damage has been done.  No amount of empathy for her mother, will negate the rejection that the OP is feeling. 
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Goosey on August 19, 2013, 01:24:34 PM
She didn't leave the family. She got a divorce because she was unhappy. She is still their family.



...   "Holly, I must say that I am throughly disappointed and upset with you. You were extremely rude to both Robert and Ally who were only trying to welcome you into our family with open arms. ...
 

Actually Goosey, it sounds to me like she DID leave her family and has replaced it with another man and daughter that she now considers "our family".

I consider that "expanding" her family. That doesn't mean she doesn't consider her daughter her family as well.

Like I said, she's behaving badly. But I do still have sympathy for her. She sounds like she waited a long time for the chance to be in a happy relationship and she wants her children to be a part of her happiness and when it didn't happen, she threw a fit. It's not right, but I'm sure this is a very emotional time for her, too, as I said.

I hope with more time and understanding from all sides, this can all be smoothed over.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: snowdragon on August 19, 2013, 01:28:44 PM
In my view she left the existing family (OP, Her father, and her siblings) to form a new family. She now expects the OP to welcome the new husband and his to the "family"  - the mother is not giving the OP any of the consideration she wants for herself.
  The family she left has had less than a year to get used to their family not being "together" any longer. And the mom expects the OP and her siblings to welcome the new folks into "our family", sorry those are not choices mom gets to make. NO ONE but NO ONE gets to tell someone who they have to love.
  The text from Robert was wildly inappropriate as far as I am concerned - especially since if I have the math correct, they only started dating 1.5 months prior and had never even met. Telling a complete stranger how they need to feel about their parent's divorce is way off. Add to that the text from Ally suggesting that they might end up as step sisters at this stage is horrid and must have been jarring. Basically the kid was insinuating that the Mom and Robert are thinking marriage...4.5 months after the divorce!  That announcement should have come from Mom and Robert, not the kid, and only AFTER they had all had time to get to know each other.
   The OP does not have to consider these folks part of HER family. yes, mom has made them part of the mother's family but that does not mean the OP has to consider this new man, her stepfather or the girl any thing but her mother's husband and her mother's husband's child. 
   The mother needs to extend the same consideration to the OP and her siblings as she is demanding from the OP and realize the new family she is creating may not be ever family to the OP and new her siblings.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Goosey on August 19, 2013, 01:34:28 PM
She left an existing MARRIAGE. She left her husband. She wants to be happy and the marriage was making her unhappy. She didn't leave her adult children. They're still her family. Her divorce doesn't divorce herself from them.

The rest I agree with, actually. :) after initially asking if her adult children wanted to meet her beau and getting a "not yet, mom", that should be the end of it. She is pushing her new relationship on them way too hard and she should not be throwing a snit when things aren't going as rosily as she might have imagined.

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Hmmmmm on August 19, 2013, 01:36:26 PM
She didn't leave the family. She got a divorce because she was unhappy. She is still their family.

Nobody can decide for her how soon after her divorce she can move on. She's divorced. She sounds like she struggled with that decision for a long time.

She is not obligated to stay in an unhappy marriage for her adult children's comfort.

She's being very dramatic and emotional right now. I'm just asking to look at the human aspect of it before telling her that her mother is obviously a bad person and she should wash her hands of her.

The mother can have a joyful time with her new man and his daughter. Her happiness in this new relationship should not be impacted because her eldest daughter and her minor children have said they are not ready to meet her new love.

And per the bolded, no one is telling her to wash her hands of her permanently. Some of us are counseling her that she doesn't need to be pleading for her mother's attention, especially since she is the one who turned away from her daughter.

The daugher is the one who requested they meet and it was the mother who cancelled.
The mother is the one who decided to ignore her daughter's birthday while the daughter was trying to reach her mother several times.

I can not image what my DD would have to do that I would not acknowlege her birthday or even go a couple of weeks without trying to talk with her. And it sure the heck wouldn't be because she said she wasn't ready to meet the guy I'd been dating for the last 3 months.

I normally don't get emotional about the posts I read on here because I always think there are two sides. But this situation makes me so mad I could spit. And while I'm at it, I'm not too happy with the OP's aunt who is still carrying pm a relationship with the mother knowing how she is treating her daughter.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Eeep! on August 19, 2013, 01:39:00 PM
She didn't leave the family. She got a divorce because she was unhappy. She is still their family.



...   "Holly, I must say that I am throughly disappointed and upset with you. You were extremely rude to both Robert and Ally who were only trying to welcome you into our family with open arms. ...
 

Actually Goosey, it sounds to me like she DID leave her family and has replaced it with another man and daughter that she now considers "our family".

I consider that "expanding" her family. That doesn't mean she doesn't consider her daughter her family as well.

Like I said, she's behaving badly. But I do still have sympathy for her. She sounds like she waited a long time for the chance to be in a happy relationship and she wants her children to be a part of her happiness and when it didn't happen, she threw a fit. It's not right, but I'm sure this is a very emotional time for her, too, as I said.

I hope with more time and understanding from all sides, this can all be smoothed over.

While I agree that perhaps her mean text to the OP could be considered a "fit", her subsequent action of choosing to ignore the OP repeated attempts to even communicate with her crosses over into a decision.  And sadly it is likely one that can't merely be "smoothed over". 

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: gramma dishes on August 19, 2013, 01:39:24 PM
Hollyandra ~~  Maybe you said this and I've forgotten (and can't find it), but has she put the same pressure she's putting on you on your fourteen and seventeen year old siblings as well?  Have they met this man and his daughter, and if so, how did they feel about it?
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Twik on August 19, 2013, 01:41:18 PM
It may be an emotional time, but that is no excuse for not being an adult, and realizing that the OP is not under any obligation to accept her new man as a father figure.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Sharnita on August 19, 2013, 01:45:04 PM
If she really is as happy as she claims one would think her interactions with her kids would be even kinder and more gracious, not petty, insulting and mean-spirited.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Eeep! on August 19, 2013, 01:47:14 PM
If she really is as happy as she claims one would think her interactions with her kids would be even kinder and more gracious, not petty, insulting and mean-spirited.


Good point!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: MrTango on August 19, 2013, 01:48:35 PM
While I agree that perhaps her mean text to the OP could be considered a "fit", her subsequent action of choosing to ignore the OP repeated attempts to even communicate with her crosses over into a decision.  And sadly it is likely one that can't merely be "smoothed over".

And even if things can be smoothed over, the OP needs to ask herself if they should be.

It may be an emotional time, but that is no excuse for not being an adult, and realizing that the OP is not under any obligation to accept her new man as a father figure.

I completely agree.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Cami on August 19, 2013, 01:48:57 PM
It may be an emotional time, but that is no excuse for not being an adult, and realizing that the OP is not under any obligation to accept her new man as a father figure.
  One truth I've learned is that crisis and emotional situations do not build character, they reveal it. The OP's mother has revealed her character and her priorities.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Goosey on August 19, 2013, 01:49:44 PM
Her actions are definitely deserving of condemnation even if I understand the emotion behind them :)

I think what most bothers me is the tone of "she ruined the family by divorcing the dad!" or "she moved on too quickly to a new relationship!"
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: cutejellybeen on August 19, 2013, 01:50:31 PM
Goosey, I just want to look at what you're saying from my experience. My parents separated two yrs ago - my stepmother (who has raised me since my mother passed and I call mom) should have left my dad yrs ago as they've been unhappy for so long. At first it was relatively amicable,  but as soon as whispers of my mom moving on came out, all of a sudden everyone was against her, and it was allegdged that she had been cheating on my father for years. Regardless of the truth, my mom is has now been with her new partner a year. My brothers arent accepting of him, (they are teenagers) and so my mom only sees him when they arent around. I do spend time with them, but thats my choice. My mother never forced us to play happy families with him.

my point is, you can wait yrs to be happy, but when you are, you have to respect that not everyone can make that jump with you immediately. Hollyandra's mother telling her she is welcome in the new family is hurtful, and does to me say that her mother now views robert and ally as her family, with Hollyandra as optional and thats very painful.Even though she did attempt to leave a marriage by the divorce and not the children, her actions are pushing her children away. Even if this is just a phase for her mother and is because she is emotional, is no reason hollyandra should have to forgive her or even have to understand. If a friend had treated her this badly no one would be saying to give the friend more time, so I dont see why she should have to put her hurt aside to repair the relationship with her mother unless she wants to. I honestly think the only person who needs to be more understanding is the mother. Even as adults we are still our parents children, and what they do affects us.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: bloo on August 19, 2013, 01:51:57 PM
I think it's important to remember that your mom is also going through a lot now - the end of the marriage, the anger of her children, etc. Please note that I'm not saying you're not entitled to those feelings.

She took a big step towards becoming a happier person and she wants to share that happiness with you and is craving your acceptance of her new life - a life she's been waiting to live - and she's reacting very emotionally to not receiving that acceptance because of her own feelings on the matter. She may be feeling a lot of resentment/blame coming from her kids for putting herself first in divorcing your father (thus the comment about putting you first for 20 odd years) and is dealing with that guilt.

The guy she's dating seriously overstepped boundaries (and his daughter, but maybe she doesn't know the whole story) and probably did it because he saw how upset/hurt/guilty your mother felt and wanted to bridge connections. He's probably heard from your mother about how upset everyone is and how everyone feels bad for your dad because he still loves her, etc.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't see "creepy", I see defensive, supportive, clueless and enthusiastic. But not creepy. Your mother is going through a lot right now. She's found a lot of emotional support from this guy and is probably looking for reassurance that she is not a bad person or a bad mother for divorcing from a man who couldn't make her happy and 4 months feels like long enough to wait when you've been in an unhappy marriage for a long time.

You guys not wanting to move on right now is understandable. You feel bad for your dad because he still loves her, you feel bad for yourselves because your parents split, you feel resentment towards your mother from moving on in what, to you, must seem like such a short amount of time. But, a previous poster said you are recovering from the "loss" of your family. You haven't lost your family. Your parents split, but they're still there. You're recovering from a big change in your family.

Unless there's some history I don't know, your mom is not a villain.

I guess, what I would do is say, "Mom, I love you. I want you to be happy. This is a huge change for me and I'm still adjusting. Please understand".

I really appreciate your obviously well-thought out insights, Goosey, but I don't fundamentally agree.

Creepy is an acceptable word to describe their presumptuous contact. Personally, I'd be creeped out by those texts. I get creeped out when people are too forward.

Also, the OP did experience a loss. The family as she knew it, is gone. No more going back to Mom and Dad's house for milestones or holidays, but two houses. Change = loss in this regard.

I also don't need backstory. OP doesn't mention that the divorce occurred for any other reason than Mom's unhappiness. In other words, no abuse, addiction or adultery. So vows mean something. Unhappy? Both could have gone to marriage counseling and tried to fix it. That's my opinion about divorce (it's a nuclear bomb and should only be detonated for huge reasons). My reason for giving that opinion is that Mom should be bending over backwards to be sensitive to EVERYBODY including her ex. The use of the term 'villain' may be harsh, but I already don't like her.

In spite of that, you've managed to put a more positive light the OP could view things so that she doesn't waste a lot of time nursing hurt or upset.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Erich L-ster on August 19, 2013, 01:56:13 PM
I'm just asking to look at the human aspect of it before telling her that her mother is obviously a bad person and she should wash her hands of her.


I would say her mother is being an unreasonable person and OP should temporarily wash her hands of her.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Goosey on August 19, 2013, 02:00:13 PM
Goosey, I just want to look at what you're saying from my experience. My parents separated two yrs ago - my stepmother (who has raised me since my mother passed and I call mom) should have left my dad yrs ago as they've been unhappy for so long. At first it was relatively amicable,  but as soon as whispers of my mom moving on came out, all of a sudden everyone was against her, and it was allegdged that she had been cheating on my father for years. Regardless of the truth, my mom is has now been with her new partner a year. My brothers arent accepting of him, (they are teenagers) and so my mom only sees him when they arent around. I do spend time with them, but thats my choice. My mother never forced us to play happy families with him.

my point is, you can wait yrs to be happy, but when you are, you have to respect that not everyone can make that jump with you immediately. Hollyandra's mother telling her she is welcome in the new family is hurtful, and does to me say that her mother now views robert and ally as her family, with Hollyandra as optional and thats very painful.Even though she did attempt to leave a marriage by the divorce and not the children, her actions are pushing her children away. Even if this is just a phase for her mother and is because she is emotional, is no reason hollyandra should have to forgive her or even have to understand. If a friend had treated her this badly no one would be saying to give the friend more time, so I dont see why she should have to put her hurt aside to repair the relationship with her mother unless she wants to. I honestly think the only person who needs to be more understanding is the mother. Even as adults we are still our parents children, and what they do affects us.

Definitely, and I've repeatedly agreed she is pushing too hard. I just understand why. From my perspective, my only response at this time would be "I love you, I want you to be happy, I can't cope with this change at this time" and leave it at that. No begging, no pleading, just an acknowledgement. It's not needed and the OP should definitely not beg for her attention back, but I really, really do not think the OP's mother is a Bad Person. I encourage the OP to look at the emotional aspect of it more for the OP's sake than anything - for her to see that it's not really about her. It's about the OP's mom and her unreasonable (at this time) desires and her visions of a rosey future that aren't coming into play and THAT'S why she's acting like this - not because the OP did anything wrong or because the OP's mother doesn't love her anymore or because the OP's mother is replacing her with a new family. She's taking her guilt and anger at the guilt out on anyone she that is making her feel guilty by not accepting her new life right away. Totally on her. But not evil. Just a really bad situation all around.

Bloo - I respect your opinions on divorce. I was assuming that, in this case, "unhappy" meant very much, irredeemably unhappy. I don't think anyone deserves that.

I'm just asking to look at the human aspect of it before telling her that her mother is obviously a bad person and she should wash her hands of her.
I would say her mother is being an unreasonable person and OP should temporarily wash her hands of her.
I agree with this.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Sharnita on August 19, 2013, 02:04:29 PM
I think the problem with that advice is that Mom won't meet woth her or talk to her.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Goosey on August 19, 2013, 02:07:12 PM
I think the problem with that advice is that Mom won't meet woth her or talk to her.

Text/email? Snail mail?

I think talking in person would be too emotional at this time anyways.  Mom needs to cool down and get her head on straight.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: weeblewobble on August 19, 2013, 02:26:37 PM
It boils down to this: I don't trust people who want to skip steps in a relationship to get to the "good stuff."  The good stuff being the intimacy, happiness and closeness that is built over time and earned through kindness, patience and dependability.  If someone isn't willing to put the time in to earn/build those things, I have to wonder whether they can/will be able present themselves as kind, patient or dependable. 

The OP's mother and her new "family" are not only skipping the steps of building their relationships, but they're expecting the OP to skip those steps as well.  If mom is comfortable moving that quickly, that's her choice, but she doesn't get to set the OP's boundaries for her.  OP's mother is saying, "Be happy for me, or at least fake being happy for me, and let me ignore your grieving process, because otherwise, I have to think about the choices I have made and how they affect the people around me."  That is not OK.

OP.  I've been using a saying around here a lot lately, "The best way to end a tug of war is to drop the rope."  Stop chasing after your mother.  She wants you to call and beg for her to contact you so she can put you in the position of apologizing.  She wants to escalate her silence so you feel more desperate, i.e. ignoring you on your birthday. So stop calling her.  She wants to ignore you, fine.  She can call you when she's ready.  In the meantime, you will be doing the work required to work through the pain resulting from your parents' divorce.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Hmmmmm on August 19, 2013, 02:33:32 PM
Goosey, I just want to look at what you're saying from my experience. My parents separated two yrs ago - my stepmother (who has raised me since my mother passed and I call mom) should have left my dad yrs ago as they've been unhappy for so long. At first it was relatively amicable,  but as soon as whispers of my mom moving on came out, all of a sudden everyone was against her, and it was allegdged that she had been cheating on my father for years. Regardless of the truth, my mom is has now been with her new partner a year. My brothers arent accepting of him, (they are teenagers) and so my mom only sees him when they arent around. I do spend time with them, but thats my choice. My mother never forced us to play happy families with him.

my point is, you can wait yrs to be happy, but when you are, you have to respect that not everyone can make that jump with you immediately. Hollyandra's mother telling her she is welcome in the new family is hurtful, and does to me say that her mother now views robert and ally as her family, with Hollyandra as optional and thats very painful.Even though she did attempt to leave a marriage by the divorce and not the children, her actions are pushing her children away. Even if this is just a phase for her mother and is because she is emotional, is no reason hollyandra should have to forgive her or even have to understand. If a friend had treated her this badly no one would be saying to give the friend more time, so I dont see why she should have to put her hurt aside to repair the relationship with her mother unless she wants to. I honestly think the only person who needs to be more understanding is the mother. Even as adults we are still our parents children, and what they do affects us.

Definitely, and I've repeatedly agreed she is pushing too hard. I just understand why. From my perspective, my only response at this time would be "I love you, I want you to be happy, I can't cope with this change at this time" and leave it at that. No begging, no pleading, just an acknowledgement. It's not needed and the OP should definitely not beg for her attention back, but I really, really do not think the OP's mother is a Bad Person. I encourage the OP to look at the emotional aspect of it more for the OP's sake than anything - for her to see that it's not really about her. It's about the OP's mom and her unreasonable (at this time) desires and her visions of a rosey future that aren't coming into play and THAT'S why she's acting like this - not because the OP did anything wrong or because the OP's mother doesn't love her anymore or because the OP's mother is replacing her with a new family. She's taking her guilt and anger at the guilt out on anyone she that is making her feel guilty by not accepting her new life right away. Totally on her. But not evil. Just a really bad situation all around.

Bloo - I respect your opinions on divorce. I was assuming that, in this case, "unhappy" meant very much, irredeemably unhappy. I don't think anyone deserves that.

I'm just asking to look at the human aspect of it before telling her that her mother is obviously a bad person and she should wash her hands of her.
I would say her mother is being an unreasonable person and OP should temporarily wash her hands of her.
I agree with this.
Goosey, I agree with your suggestion that I bolded above. But the issue is the OP has pretty much already dont that.
From the OP
Mother got into a new relationship 3 months later. Last week, she asked my siblings (Brother is 14 and Sister is 17) and I if we wanted to meet her new boyfriend. My brother and sister didn't want to and I thought it would be better if we all met him together at the right time. I politely explained this and said that seeing as it had only been 4 1/2 months since our parents had separated it felt a little too soon and perhaps to give it a few more months.

In response, her mother has chosen to completely cut her off. Is refusing to take her calls, or answer any of her attempts at contact.

I really do not understand how you can say you "understand why she is acting this way."  Maybe I'm misundertstanding what you mean by this phrase. If I say I "understand" why someone could act the way they are it usually means that I think their is a smidgeon of justification to their actions. That they interpretted something differently, or that they come from a differnt background, or that they didn't have all the facts. 

But I can not understand how a mother, even if in a euphoric emotional state based on new love, could behave this way.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: TurtleDove on August 19, 2013, 02:34:24 PM
I tend to think that if a parent cannot calmly wait for the support of her children when becoming seriously involved with a new partner, that parent needs to understand she is making a choice.  There is a difference between minor children and adult children, but I think the reality is that if a parent values her relationship with her children, she will value the child's (even adult child) opinion about a new partner.

For example, if a parent cheats on her spouse, I think it would be incredibly self-centered to expect children of the marriage to accept the new partner immediately (or ever, really). 

If a relationship simply ends in divorce, and a parent subsequently begins dating someone, it seems premature to involve children in the new relationship (whether minor children or adult children) until the relationship is solid and definitely "going somewhere."  For example, in my custody agreement, which I believe is relatively standard, neither my ex or I are to introduce our daughter to anyone we are dating unless and until we have been in a serious and committed relationship with that person for at least three months, and then only after discussing the introduction with the other parent.  Now, our child is quite young and I don't think divorced parents of adult children need to abide by the same decree, but I do think it makes sense to be certain yourself of a relationship before asking your children to be involved.

I recently married a man with three children, ages 21, 18 and 16.  I did not meet them as his "girlfriend" until we had been seriously dating for a few months, and we did not spend significant time together until he and I had decided as a couple that we were hoping to consolidate our families.  Neither of us believed in having our children "date."  He had dated other women since his divorce, some for years, and none of them had spent time with his children because while he was dating those women he was not thinking about actually creating a life with those people and he saw no reason for his children to date the women he was casually dating. He also was very clear with me that the opinion of his children mattered to him.  He wanted me to be myself around them, and if his children objected to our relationship he would have to really consider what he would do going forward.  Thankfully, they all approved.  :)

I guess my point is that it is not wrong for the mother to want a new and happy relationship.  However, she has gone about it horribly.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: cwm on August 19, 2013, 02:43:56 PM
It boils down to this: I don't trust people who want to skip steps in a relationship to get to the "good stuff."  The good stuff being the intimacy, happiness and closeness that is built over time and earned through kindness, patience and dependability.  If someone isn't willing to put the time in to earn/build those things, I have to wonder whether they can/will be able present themselves as kind, patient or dependable. 

The OP's mother and her new "family" are not only skipping the steps of building their relationships, but they're expecting the OP to skip those steps as well.  If mom is comfortable moving that quickly, that's her choice, but she doesn't get to set the OP's boundaries for her.  OP's mother is saying, "Be happy for me, or at least fake being happy for me, and let me ignore your grieving process, because otherwise, I have to think about the choices I have made and how they affect the people around me."  That is not OK.

OP.  I've been using a saying around here a lot lately, "The best way to end a tug of war is to drop the rope."  Stop chasing after your mother.  She wants you to call and beg for her to contact you so she can put you in the position of apologizing.  She wants to escalate her silence so you feel more desperate, i.e. ignoring you on your birthday. So stop calling her.  She wants to ignore you, fine.  She can call you when she's ready.  In the meantime, you will be doing the work required to work through the pain resulting from your parents' divorce.

I tend to think that if a parent cannot calmly wait for the support of her children when becoming seriously involved with a new partner, that parent needs to understand she is making a choice.  There is a difference between minor children and adult children, but I think the reality is that if a parent values her relationship with her children, she will value the child's (even adult child) opinion about a new partner.

For example, if a parent cheats on her spouse, I think it would be incredibly self-centered to expect children of the marriage to accept the new partner immediately (or ever, really).

These, especially the bolded, are part of the reason I don't have contact with my father any longer. He tried the same tactics OP's mom did, though his new wife and her children didn't reach out to me or my sister at any point. I dropped the rope. I walked away. And honestly, I feel better for it.

OP, you have to make a choice. You can keep trying to contact your mom on your terms, or you can walk away. But just because you walk away now doesn't mean that you'll never speak to her again, it just means you aren't speaking to her right now. Or until whatever criteria you have for continued contact have been met.

Honestly, I wish you the best. I know how much it hurts to have a parent acting like this. It hurts, it sucks, and it will take a while before it gets much better. But it does get better.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: bloo on August 19, 2013, 02:56:06 PM
I recently married a man with three children, ages 21, 18 and 16.  I did not meet them as his "girlfriend" until we had been seriously dating for a few months, and we did not spend significant time together until he and I had decided as a couple that we were hoping to consolidate our families.  Neither of us believed in having our children "date."  He had dated other women since his divorce, some for years, and none of them had spent time with his children because while he was dating those women he was not thinking about actually creating a life with those people and he saw no reason for his children to date the women he was casually dating. He also was very clear with me that the opinion of his children mattered to him.  He wanted me to be myself around them, and if his children objected to our relationship he would have to really consider what he would do going forward.  Thankfully, they all approved.  :)

This is the best way to do it if it's to be done. Maybe part of their approval is your obvious respect for their feelings and that you weren't creepily pushing yourself on them. Well done.


ETA: Accidentally put my thoughts inside the quote.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Twik on August 19, 2013, 03:33:13 PM
It boils down to this: I don't trust people who want to skip steps in a relationship to get to the "good stuff."  The good stuff being the intimacy, happiness and closeness that is built over time and earned through kindness, patience and dependability.  If someone isn't willing to put the time in to earn/build those things, I have to wonder whether they can/will be able present themselves as kind, patient or dependable. 

I agree. The most dangerous person I ever had to deal with was excessively friendly, to the point of clinginess, when I first met her. Which is why I had an immediate bad reaction to the messages in the OP.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: RingTailedLemur on August 19, 2013, 03:42:18 PM
It boils down to this: I don't trust people who want to skip steps in a relationship to get to the "good stuff."  The good stuff being the intimacy, happiness and closeness that is built over time and earned through kindness, patience and dependability.  If someone isn't willing to put the time in to earn/build those things, I have to wonder whether they can/will be able present themselves as kind, patient or dependable. 

I agree. The most dangerous person I ever had to deal with was excessively friendly, to the point of clinginess, when I first met her. Which is why I had an immediate bad reaction to the messages in the OP.

Agreed.  Forced / inappropriately early intimacy is a red flag.

OP, I'm so sorry to hear how this has turned out for you.  I am baffled by your mother's behaviour but I agree with PPs who recommend just dropping the rope.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: *inviteseller on August 19, 2013, 04:27:52 PM
OP, I feel for you.  Your mom is acting like a donkey and I would just let the relationship be.  I know I have been hopelessly in love before, but never to the point of alienating people as she has, but when this explodes (and I do not have high hopes for this relationship) she will be crawling back.  Not sure you should be there to catch her in that fall, but that will be up to you.  Your mom (and her 'new' family  >:( ) cannot tell you how to feel and force anyone of the kids into this look at us relationship.  It is creepy to get texts from someone you don't even know that are that presumptuous.

I left my husband when my DD was 16 months, I did not date again til she was 4 and although she had met him (a neighbor) she had no idea we were dating casually because I didn't feel ready to be in the type of relationship where 3 of us would be involved.  Her father on the other hand decided to sign up for a membership in the skank of the month club* pretty much right away.  He rarely saw her (his choice) but every time she came back from a weekend there was always stories of outings with this woman or that woman and of course it was always someone new.  I talked to him about it but he said as his DD, he wanted her to meet who ever was his partner at the time.  I put my foot down and threatened he would never have her unsupervised again when the flavor of the week told her she had to call her mom  >:( .  I finally got a court order when I found out the one he was with had lost her nursing license due to a recent drug conviction  :o.  My DD was upset at these visits as she had such rare visits that she didn't like sharing him with various women. 

*One of the women who went on an outing with DD and ex was someone he picked up at a bar 2 nights before!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: blarg314 on August 19, 2013, 09:43:55 PM
Something to remember too, that the OP's mom is forgetting.  Divorce is something that happens to the kids as well. The family they've been in for their entire lives has just been destroyed, and they had no say in the decision - it's generally presented to them as a fait accompli. Sometimes they're relieved, a lot of the time they're not.

The kids' experience is somewhat like the spouse who has a divorce sprung on them - the other suddenly announces that they're not happy and are leaving, packs the bags and leaves, without a chance for reconciliation or debate. This isn't something you generally get over immediately - it takes time to process your confusion, anger and grief, and to come to terms with the new situation. Depending on the age and circumstance, this process can take *years* - not weeks or months.

The mother has the right to lead her life after the divorce, and seek out relationships and happiness.  But what she did was totally inappropriate.

The *only* thing the OP did was to say that she wasn't ready to meet the new BF and his daughter *yet* - she didn't object to the relationship, she didn't say she never wanted to meet them, just so soon after the separation she wasn't ready to do that yet.  This was 4 months after the separation, and 6 weeks into the relationship.

The results - One semi-chastizing text from the BF telling her how she should be happy that her mother broke up with her father, and how the BF is much better for her. One bubbly email from the daughter saying she can't wait to meet her future stepsister. And one rant from her mother declaring that 1) she's finished with taking care of her family of 25 years and it's all about her now and 2) she has a new family now and 3) she tried to welcome her *daughter* into her new family, and is upset that she didn't accept the offer gleefully, followed by 4) several months of complete silent treatment and the refusal to answer any form of communication.

That's so far over the top inappropriate that nothing can justify it, short of a serious mental illness.

Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: LifeOnPluto on August 19, 2013, 10:14:45 PM
If she really is as happy as she claims one would think her interactions with her kids would be even kinder and more gracious, not petty, insulting and mean-spirited.

Very insightful post Sharnita!

The mother's actions do not appear to be the actions of a genuinely happy, confident person.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Goosey on August 20, 2013, 07:01:42 AM
Of course she's not genuinely happy! Too much of her happiness is tied up on getting approval and support from her kids, who aren't ready to give it.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on August 20, 2013, 07:12:22 AM
Of course she's not genuinely happy! Too much of her happiness is tied up on getting approval and support from her kids, who aren't ready to give it.

That I think we can agree on.  I kind of wonder too if the mother might have guilty feelings of her own and is looking to her children's acceptance of the new situation to feel better about it.  And when they say "We need more time, Mom" it's not fitting the "script" in her head so she gets mad.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Goosey on August 20, 2013, 07:22:49 AM
Of course she's not genuinely happy! Too much of her happiness is tied up on getting approval and support from her kids, who aren't ready to give it.

That I think we can agree on.  I kind of wonder too if the mother might have guilty feelings of her own and is looking to her children's acceptance of the new situation to feel better about it.  And when they say "We need more time, Mom" it's not fitting the "script" in her head so she gets mad.
Yeah I think that's what's happening. She knows her decision caused a family upheaval and she wants to move past that as quickly as possible. She feels a lot of guilt. When her kids are taking longer than she wants (because it seems to me she would have been ready to move on for a while if she was unhappy in her marriage, so she was far more prepared than them!), she takes it as a confirmation of her guilt rather than them not being prepared just yet. So, she is angry at feeling guilty and is taking it out on people who she perceives as judging her as guilty, even if that really not what they're doint.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Hmmmmm on August 20, 2013, 08:58:14 AM
Of course she's not genuinely happy! Too much of her happiness is tied up on getting approval and support from her kids, who aren't ready to give it.
I'm sorry I don't buy it. A mother who has too much of her happiness tied up with her kids is not going to refuse to return text messages or completely ignore her daughter's birthday.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Cami on August 20, 2013, 09:07:32 AM
Of course she's not genuinely happy! Too much of her happiness is tied up on getting approval and support from her kids, who aren't ready to give it.
I'm sorry I don't buy it. A mother who has too much of her happiness tied up with her kids is not going to refuse to return text messages or completely ignore her daughter's birthday.
I agree with Hmmmmm.  Nor do I think she necessarily feels guilty. Her actions may just as easily or perhaps more easily indicate that she's a self-absorbed person who wants everyone to move on to her page in life to make her life easier, smoother, happier. She may only be unhappy because people are not performing according to the script she's written for them. The upside for her is that she gets to play the victim to her new family, who can rally around her and absorb her into their own ready-made script. 

I know lots of people who left their spouse and acted exactly the same way.They were in control of the status of family life and then cast themselves as the victim when people did not fall into line.  Because they had thought about this change for a while, they had processed it in their heads and hearts and had worked it out that they were doing the "right thing". The "right thing" for them was, in their minds, the "right thing" for everyone. This was their reality. Woe to the person who infringed on this version of reality.  That person was given the cut direct, even if that person was a child or a parent or a long-time best friend. All of them could be chucked aside because they did not conform to the script of the new life.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: TurtleDove on August 20, 2013, 09:12:55 AM
Of course she's not genuinely happy! Too much of her happiness is tied up on getting approval and support from her kids, who aren't ready to give it.
I'm sorry I don't buy it. A mother who has too much of her happiness tied up with her kids is not going to refuse to return text messages or completely ignore her daughter's birthday.

I'm with Hmmmmm.  I don't think the mother cares at all whether her kids approve.  Otherwise she would have gone about this differently.  At the very least she would have met with her own daughter to talk about why she is happy with New Guy and to sincerely ask for her daughter's blessing.  That did not happen.  Not even close. 

I continue to maintain that even under circumstances where the mother had been divorced for years and then started dating New Guy, 1.5 months into a new relationship is, IMHO, far too early to involve children.  I really do not believe that children - of any age - should "date."  The mother can date New Guy, and maintain the other relationships in her life, until the decision has been made to move toward combining families at some point in the future, at which point it makes sense for the children to spend time with New Guy, should they so choose (given the ages involved here).  If the children want nothing to do with New Guy, then the mother needs to make a choice.  I know what I would choose (not New Guy, especially not after 1.5 months).

I have zero respect for the mother in this situation.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Goosey on August 20, 2013, 09:34:47 AM
We're just seeing this very differently then. I think she's avoiding the kids that make her feel guilty. You see something else, something much darker. I doubt we're going to agree, but it's interesting!
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: TurtleDove on August 20, 2013, 09:38:33 AM
We're just seeing this very differently then. I think she's avoiding the kids that make her feel guilty. You see something else, something much darker. I doubt we're going to agree, but it's interesting!

The bolded is enough to make me lose respect for the mother.  The mother should instead be an adult who cares about her children, not a child herself who acts out and then hides.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Goosey on August 20, 2013, 09:40:16 AM
We're just seeing this very differently then. I think she's avoiding the kids that make her feel guilty. You see something else, something much darker. I doubt we're going to agree, but it's interesting!

The bolded is enough to make me lose respect for the mother.  The mother should instead be an adult who cares about her children, not a child herself who acts out and then hides.

Everyone has their dark moments when they're acting their best. I'm not willing to write off the entire personality of an individual as a mother or as a person by the way they act when they're going through an emotional crisis. YMMV, but I just wanted to communicate where I'm coming from.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on August 20, 2013, 10:02:00 AM
We're just seeing this very differently then. I think she's avoiding the kids that make her feel guilty. You see something else, something much darker. I doubt we're going to agree, but it's interesting!

The bolded is enough to make me lose respect for the mother.  The mother should instead be an adult who cares about her children, not a child herself who acts out and then hides.

Agreed.  The mother needs to grow up and deal with the fact that her kids are not ready. I'd have more respect for this woman if she said "Look, I'm happy with him.  I accept you're not ready and will give you time to process all that's happened.  While I hope that you will accept my new life and the man that comes with it, if that doesn't happen, I will try to accept that." 

(or even better, look at the reasons why the kids aren't accepting him, such as him being a boundary tromping baboon)

But she didn't. She basically said "Deal with it. This is my life and if you don't like it, too bad."

If she feels guilty it's her own actions that are the result, not her children's.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Otterpop on August 20, 2013, 11:05:06 AM
Agree with Hmmm..and others.  Mom doesn't care about her children's feelings unless those feelings align with her's.  People that don't agree with the abrupt changes are cut off.  That's very immature and narcissistic.  OP, don't beat yourself up.  It's not you, it's her (and possibly malignant influence - evidenced by the "family" demand then complete cutoff.)  Either mom will go further down the rabbit hole or she'll (emotionally) sober up in a few months are reach out to you.  Either way, YOU and yours will be fine.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: nolechica on August 21, 2013, 04:38:38 AM
I wonder if "our family" means mom is remarried/remarrying as soon as the ink is dry on the divorce.  If so, she should have told her kids that she was remarrying soon so they had all the information.  This doesn't mean they have to accept it, but they deserve to know.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: Minmom3 on August 21, 2013, 11:35:09 AM
I think Hollyandra's post is one of the saddest things I've read on these boards.  I don't really CARE what her mom is feeling right now, for her to shun her daughter because her daughter won't drink the koolaide is just sad as hell.  How depressing.  Mom is an idiot.  I hope Hollyandra is getting enough positive strokes from other people in her life that she's not feeling remotely guilty about this current situation.  This just kills me - as a daughter and a mother.   :'(  I could totally see walking away from a husband or long term BF when the relationship isn't working anymore.  I could never walk away from my children in this way.  We might not talk all the time, but refusing to communicate at all?  I would never do that, and I don't understand how anybody could.
Title: Re: Awkward Texts From Mother's New Boyfriend and His Daughter
Post by: ladyknight1 on August 21, 2013, 02:01:13 PM
My feelings on this is that mom wants to form instant bonds with this man and his child. How must his child feel? That would be strange no matter what age, for her father to suddenly be in this relationship. It seems OP's mom skipped a few steps in the relationship breakup and forming a new one.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. As a mom, I am appalled at your mother's behavior.