Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: quietgirl on June 04, 2013, 12:47:35 PM

Title: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: quietgirl on June 04, 2013, 12:47:35 PM
I have a friend, let's call her Suzy, who I enjoy hanging out with very much.  She is probably one of the nicest people I've ever met and we have a great time together.  Last fall she got back together with her ex-boyfriend.  Unfortunately, this BF does not seem to be very good to her.  I haven't met him because "he doesn't like hanging out with people he doesn't know".  Just to set the stage, when they got back together she confided in me that she understands that she can't put demands on him, such as expecting him to respond quickly to her texts and choose her over his friends because he's "just not that kinda guy".  Another gem about this guy is that he won't make plans in advance.  Which is how this impacts me.  (Besides that fact that it just hurts me to see this wonderful person allowing herself to be treated so poorly, but I digress...)

This means that when I try to make plans with her she "doesn't know" if she's free.  I can understand (slightly) if the plans are several weeks in advance, but I just invited her to see a band with me on Friday.  Suzy can't commit because she's waiting to see if her BF wants to go out Friday or Saturday.  Then she asked what I'm doing on Saturday and said that she'll join me for that if she ends up seeing him on Friday.  Um, ok, but I didn't invite her for Saturday.  Now, I'm normally a "more the merrier" kinda person, but by her own admission, she doesn't click with this group I'm going with and, honestly, she doesn't even try.

So now, I feel like a 5 yr old and want to just dig my heals in and say "No, you don't get to put me in wait & see status just because your BF puts YOU in wait & see status."

Here's my question:  Am I being petulant (and by extention just rude) or am I setting personal boundaries? 



Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: JeseC on June 04, 2013, 12:49:39 PM
You sound like you're being perfectly fine.  It's her job to stand up to her boyfriend.  You don't have to rearrange your schedule just because he won't get his life together.  And maybe if there's consequences for her she'll realize that she can stand up to him.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: bopper on June 04, 2013, 12:51:17 PM
Not rude to set boundaries if you do it in a not rude way.

"I didn't ask you for Saturday" is a bit rude.
"Saturday doesn't work, but maybe another time." is not rude.

Also you could ask "I notice that you have to give up activities with your friends because of what your boyfriend may or may not want to do. Are you really cool with that?"
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: amylouky on June 04, 2013, 12:52:54 PM
So now, I feel like a 5 yr old and want to just dig my heals in and say "No, you don't get to put me in wait & see status just because your BF puts YOU in wait & see status."

Actually, I think I'd say exactly that. Maybe not in a 5 yr old tone, but friend needs to see that she's being disrespectful to you, and damaging her friendships by catering to bf's quirks.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: TootsNYC on June 04, 2013, 12:53:57 PM
Remember that when she asks you "what are you doing Saturday," you probably shouldn't give her details. "I have plans with other friends." or "Why do you ask?"
 
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: WillyNilly on June 04, 2013, 01:10:20 PM
So now, I feel like a 5 yr old and want to just dig my heals in and say "No, you don't get to put me in wait & see status just because your BF puts YOU in wait & see status."


You feel like a 5 year old for this not because its immature of you, but because everyone else learned by 5 years old that your friend's behavior is obnoxious.

I think its not only perfectly ok, but high time, you say to your friend "no I won't wait and see. Either you want to make plans with me, or you want to make plans with your boyfriend. Either is fine but I'm not a back-up plan. I deserve to be given priority for plans once in a while. If you can't come I'll invite someone else, but I'm sure as heck not putting my plans on hold for your boyfriend."

I mean sure, once in a while people can't commit to advance plans, and sure its reasonable for anyone to say "hey let me check on that date/time and get back to you" (and then respond in a reasonable time) but its not ok to never make advance plans and expect other people to just wait to the last minute all the time. And if she is going to choose to do that, she needs to be the one who suffers/looses out, not anyone else.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Daydream on June 04, 2013, 02:28:44 PM
I don't understand why you would feel like a five-year-old for setting boundaries in this situation.  It's a very adult thing to do.  A child probably wouldn't have that choice.

This sounds like it might be a texting or email situation since it seems like you haven't answered her yet.  If that's so, let her know that Saturday won't work for you and you'll catch up with her another time. 

Maybe you can also gently tell her in a face-to-face or phone conversation that's it's fine for a woman to make plans with a friend and not be able to see her boyfriend because of those plans.  The boyfriend might learn that he sometimes needs to make plans with her in advance if he wants to see her.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Zizi-K on June 04, 2013, 03:07:14 PM
I'm not sure why you would feel like a five-year-old for setting boundaries in this situation.  It's a very adult thing to do.  A child probably wouldn't have that choice.

This sounds like it might be a texting or email situation since it seems like you haven't answered her yet.  If that's so, let her know that Saturday won't work for you and you'll catch up with her another time. 

Maybe you can also gently tell her in a face-to-face or phone conversation that's it's fine for a woman to make plans with a friend and not be able to see her boyfriend because of those plans.  The boyfriend might learn that he sometimes needs to make plans with her in advance if he wants to see her.

I agree wholeheartedly. Further, you might want to explain that her indecision puts you in an awkward place of having to wait for her boyfriend to decide his schedule. If she ends up hanging out with him at the last moment, what does that mean for you? It means that you'll be stuck a)having nothing to do or b)stuck with an extra ticket to a concert and having to scramble to find someone else to go. I would explain that if she can't commit to going with you on Friday, that you'll have to find someone else to go with because you really want to go - and are trying to make the plans to do so.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: kudeebee on June 04, 2013, 03:20:17 PM
You are setting boundaries. You should not have to put your life on hold while she finds out when her boyfriend has time for her.

I like any of the phrases the pps have given.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Amava on June 04, 2013, 03:30:21 PM
Tell Suzie to tell her boyfriend that she is not available on Friday night, because she already has plans with you.
After all, he should understand, since he is against being demanding in a relationship, and he wants friends to come first. Oh wait... did that only work his way round? My bad.  >:D

But you know, maybe the boyfriend isn't as bad as you think - maybe it does not only work his way round. Maybe he would applaud it if Suzie sometimes made plans without him. It's worth a try and I think Suzie should do it. Make herself less available so that he learns that if he wants to see her, he needs to make plans in advance; that she has a life and friends too.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Roe on June 04, 2013, 03:36:44 PM
I'd totally just tell her what you wrote here.  It makes perfect sense and it isn't a rude thing to say.

 "No, you don't get to put me in wait & see status just because your BF puts YOU in wait & see status."
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: gramma dishes on June 04, 2013, 03:43:43 PM
Let's see if I have this straight:

1.  Friend's new boyfriend prefers to hang out with his friends, doesn't want to meet HER friends, only sees her if all his plans with his friends either never materialize or fall through.

2.  Because of boyfriend's indecision as to with whom he'd rather spend his time, she puts off making plans with her own friends and expects them to wait until the last minute for her to decide.

Do I have it about right?

I'd tell her "No, sorry.  I already have other plans for Saturday.  If you aren't sure you will be able to go Friday, I'll just ask someone else.  Maybe we can do something together another time."

And the next time you see her?  Hand her a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You". 
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: gen xer on June 04, 2013, 05:07:19 PM

Just like everyone else has said - you are not rude for insisting that plans be finalized and followed through with.

You don't need to make any commentary on her relationship with this guy if you are not comfortable with that - but you are absolutely correct to expect an answer to your invitation within a reasonable time frame.  I understand that sometimes people have to check their schedules - but you could tell her you need to know by a certain time / date and if she can't answer then you move on. 

And if you didn't invite her for Saturday then you simply tell her that won't work.

You don't need a domino effect of doormattishness.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: shhh its me on June 04, 2013, 05:52:21 PM
  Well I don't think you are waiting and seeing on your friend or even her boyfriend but his friends...it sound like friends boyfriend wont commit to her unless his friends aren't available. 

I actually think what you said is perfect , its bit blunt but not rude.  Sometimes you need and should express anger , hurt and frustration, this is one of those times.

Out of kindness it may be nice if you invited her to things she didn't have to commit to every once in awhile. If she keeps on this course she may not have many other friends left soon.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Penguin_ar on June 04, 2013, 07:35:55 PM
Like everyone else said, you are fine in how you feel/ what you said.
In terms of the concert on Friday, I'd give her a deadline: "I'd really love to go with you to the concert, but I don't want the ticket to go to waste/ don't want to risk having to go alone at the last minute.  Let me know by Wednesday eve if you can come, and if not, I'll ask Susie."
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Raintree on June 04, 2013, 10:16:19 PM
I'd tell her "No, sorry.  I already have other plans for Saturday.  If you aren't sure you will be able to go Friday, I'll just ask someone else.  Maybe we can do something together another time."

And the next time you see her?  Hand her a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You".

Exactly. And hand her the above book, and please beg her to also read, "Why Men Love B**ches." (Forgot the author's name). It'll tell her to say exactly that to her boyfriend, but if she won't, at least you can say that to her.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: LifeOnPluto on June 04, 2013, 10:24:10 PM
Sounds like Suzie's default position is "Hanging out with The Boyfriend all weekend, unless something else comes up."

That's not rude in itself. In fact, many (most?) couples I know operate like this. The rudeness comes from:

1) It seems to be a one-way street. It appears The Boyfriend can make his own plans and decide his own timetable without checking with Suzie first, but doesn't extend that same favour to Suzie; and

2) The Boyfriend doesn't confirm his plans until the last minute, which means Suzie can't confirm HER plans until the last minute, which in turn, affects YOUR plans.

There is also a friendship issue here too. Yep, in general your SO should be your top priority. And heck, if given a choice, people generally prefer hanging out with their SOs, rather than their friends. But while one's SO should be the top priority, they shouldn't be the only priority. Sometimes, you do have to put your friends first. Otherwise, you risk losing your friendships. I hope Suzie realises this soon.

As for how to proceed, I'd give Suzie firm deadlines to respond. Eg "I need to know by Wednesday night if you can come to the concert on Friday" etc.

 
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: kudeebee on June 05, 2013, 01:44:24 AM
Like everyone else said, you are fine in how you feel/ what you said.
In terms of the concert on Friday, I'd give her a deadline: "I'd really love to go with you to the concert, but I don't want the ticket to go to waste/ don't want to risk having to go alone at the last minute.  Let me know by Wednesday eve if you can come, and if not, I'll ask Susie."

I wouldn't rely on her for anything that involves a commitment to an event, that involves money you pay up front unless you get her money from her ahead of time before purchasing a ticket/making a reservation, as she could very easily flake on you at the last minute.  I would only get together with her in group situations where her attendance/nonattendance won't affect the event.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Arrynne on June 05, 2013, 01:52:20 AM
If she's a good friend: "I love you, and want to spend time with you, but I can't be your backup plan. If you want to spend Friday with your boyfriend, that's fine. But I need to know now so I can make other plans."
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Iris on June 05, 2013, 03:33:03 AM
So now, I feel like a 5 yr old and want to just dig my heals in and say "No, you don't get to put me in wait & see status just because your BF puts YOU in wait & see status."

Actually, I think I'd say exactly that. Maybe not in a 5 yr old tone, but friend needs to see that she's being disrespectful to you, and damaging her friendships by catering to bf's quirks.

This. You said it perfectly yourself. Great Googly Moogly I can't imagine someone expecting me to hold my plans like this. She's being really rude to you.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: quietgirl on June 05, 2013, 03:53:25 PM
Let's see if I have this straight:

1.  Friend's new boyfriend prefers to hang out with his friends, doesn't want to meet HER friends, only sees her if all his plans with his friends either never materialize or fall through.

2.  Because of boyfriend's indecision as to with whom he'd rather spend his time, she puts off making plans with her own friends and expects them to wait until the last minute for her to decide.

Do I have it about right?



Yep, that sounds about right. 

Thanks for all the great advice and validation that I am not just being petulant.  I do know that this bothers me more because she's kowtowing to the BF rather than because she herself is flaky, but I'm glad to get the input that it is reasonable that I'm annoyed by this on any level.

I'm going to have a face to face with her on this and tell her how this makes me feel/ how her indecision impacts me.  (One of the posters upthread was right when he/she assumed we were texting.) In the future I'll use some of the strategies suggested of not telling her everything I'm doing so she can't invite herself along (although I have been doing that a lot lately, this week she just caught me unaware) and letting her know that I need to know by a certain date/time. 

This whole thing just makes me really sad for her.  Twice already she "broke" up with him because of his treating her so poorly, but neither break ups stuck.  The last was two weeks ago and I really thought she had picked her self-esteem up off the floor and broke up for good.  But I can't live her life for her....sigh   :(
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Cami on June 05, 2013, 04:21:12 PM
So she's a doormat with her boyfriend and then is assertive with her friends in wanting them to be doormats for her?

Yeah, time to set your own boundaries.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: JeseC on June 05, 2013, 07:10:42 PM
Let's see if I have this straight:

1.  Friend's new boyfriend prefers to hang out with his friends, doesn't want to meet HER friends, only sees her if all his plans with his friends either never materialize or fall through.

2.  Because of boyfriend's indecision as to with whom he'd rather spend his time, she puts off making plans with her own friends and expects them to wait until the last minute for her to decide.

Do I have it about right?



Yep, that sounds about right. 

Thanks for all the great advice and validation that I am not just being petulant.  I do know that this bothers me more because she's kowtowing to the BF rather than because she herself is flaky, but I'm glad to get the input that it is reasonable that I'm annoyed by this on any level.

I'm going to have a face to face with her on this and tell her how this makes me feel/ how her indecision impacts me.  (One of the posters upthread was right when he/she assumed we were texting.) In the future I'll use some of the strategies suggested of not telling her everything I'm doing so she can't invite herself along (although I have been doing that a lot lately, this week she just caught me unaware) and letting her know that I need to know by a certain date/time. 

This whole thing just makes me really sad for her.  Twice already she "broke" up with him because of his treating her so poorly, but neither break ups stuck.  The last was two weeks ago and I really thought she had picked her self-esteem up off the floor and broke up for good.  But I can't live her life for her....sigh   :(

I really do think some boundaries are the best thing for her.  If you really want to, you could even use the time to gently point out that his behavior is not reasonable.  I wouldn't say anything about how he's treating her specifically, just point out that you and your friends have to make plans in advance and can't be expected to put up with someone being last-minute all the time.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: TootsNYC on June 05, 2013, 07:23:39 PM
Well, there's always, "Suzie, are you really happy with being a booty call? Is that what you want from a relationship?"
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: RooRoo on June 05, 2013, 07:40:05 PM
Quote
Then she asked what I'm doing on Saturday and said that she'll join me for that if she ends up seeing him on Friday.

"I'm sorry. I am not willing to make plans on that basis." (and make it a Toots special.)

If she whines, just say, "I am not willing to stay home all weekend while you wait for [name] to make up his mind."

Or more: "If I do that, and he has plans both days, then I get to sit home and miss a great concert. No, I'm going on Friday."

Or even, "Call me back when you can make plans more than 5 minutes in advance. Until then, I can't include you in my plans."

DH says these all sound reasonable to him, "...but I'm a guy*." What say you, fellow E-Hellions? I think my politeness detector may be inaccurate today.

*A reference to Dave Barry's Guide to Guys.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: LifeOnPluto on June 05, 2013, 09:53:19 PM
Let's see if I have this straight:

1.  Friend's new boyfriend prefers to hang out with his friends, doesn't want to meet HER friends, only sees her if all his plans with his friends either never materialize or fall through.

2.  Because of boyfriend's indecision as to with whom he'd rather spend his time, she puts off making plans with her own friends and expects them to wait until the last minute for her to decide.

Do I have it about right?



Yep, that sounds about right. 

Thanks for all the great advice and validation that I am not just being petulant.  I do know that this bothers me more because she's kowtowing to the BF rather than because she herself is flaky, but I'm glad to get the input that it is reasonable that I'm annoyed by this on any level.

I'm going to have a face to face with her on this and tell her how this makes me feel/ how her indecision impacts me.  (One of the posters upthread was right when he/she assumed we were texting.) In the future I'll use some of the strategies suggested of not telling her everything I'm doing so she can't invite herself along (although I have been doing that a lot lately, this week she just caught me unaware) and letting her know that I need to know by a certain date/time. 

This whole thing just makes me really sad for her.  Twice already she "broke" up with him because of his treating her so poorly, but neither break ups stuck.  The last was two weeks ago and I really thought she had picked her self-esteem up off the floor and broke up for good.  But I can't live her life for her....sigh   :(

Sounds like a good plan. Be prepared though, for the sad possibility that she may accuse you of "being jealous" of her relationship... I've seen this sort of thing happen before.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: lowspark on June 06, 2013, 09:33:38 AM
I've known people in this kind of a re-lationship. And in my experience, there's almost nothing you can say or do to change their behavior.

The BF -- he thinks he is doing your friend The Greatest Favor In The World by gracing her with his company when he feels like it.
Your friend -- wants his "love" so desparately that she puts up with this, not realizing that what he is giving her isn't love at all.

When I've been the friend in this kind of situation, I've found that just completely backing off is the best thing to do for me. I end up just telling the friend, "Looks like your really busy with your BF and that's fine, so I'll put the ball in your court. If you want to hang out, just let me know and we'll see about making plans then!"

Inevitably, I don't hear back unless and until they really do break up. Yes, I've lost friendships that way, but really, it's not much of a friendship if one person is treating the other one this way.

I think it's probably worth your talking to her about this as you've planned to do, for the sake of your own life experience. Sometimes we just have to go through an experience to really understand how it works. But my advice is to go into this with your eyes wide open. Expect the worst. Do not expect or even hope that your friend will suddenly realize what a jerk BF is and how she is in the wrong for not only allowing him to do this to her but for allowing him to make her do this to her friends. If I'm wrong, so much the better. You'll be pleasantly surprised! But if I'm right, preparing for that will at least allow you to avoid having your feelings hurt worse than they already have been. Believe me, I've been there. I've felt that pain of thinking that years of friendship would at least have some influence but when it comes down to it, that desparate desire for love and acceptance by the BF pretty much wins out every time.

Good luck!
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on June 06, 2013, 10:38:07 AM
Also, your friend has you in the same position she is vis-a-vis her BF.  If you were to stop: "No, sorry, Saturday is out.  I'll call you some other time." then she would start to feel the consequences of her wishy-washiness.

In other words, if you push her, she might have to push on her boyfriend.  I wouldn't say anything to her about her boyfriend.  I would just make it clear that I wasn't on call.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: gramma dishes on June 06, 2013, 10:58:39 AM
Also, your friend has you in the same position she is vis-a-vis her BF.  If you were to stop: "No, sorry, Saturday is out.  I'll call you some other time." then she would start to feel the consequences of her wishy-washiness.

In other words, if you push her, she might have to push on her boyfriend.  I wouldn't say anything to her about her boyfriend.  I would just make it clear that I wasn't on call.

This. 

I don't think talking to her about how her boyfriend is treating her and how that affects other aspects of her life will even be "heard".  She'll hear the words, but reject their significance. 
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: quietgirl on June 06, 2013, 11:08:48 AM
Also, your friend has you in the same position she is vis-a-vis her BF.  If you were to stop: "No, sorry, Saturday is out.  I'll call you some other time." then she would start to feel the consequences of her wishy-washiness.

In other words, if you push her, she might have to push on her boyfriend.  I wouldn't say anything to her about her boyfriend.  I would just make it clear that I wasn't on call.

This. 

I don't think talking to her about how her boyfriend is treating her and how that affects other aspects of her life will even be "heard".  She'll hear the words, but reject their significance. 

Yes, we've had that convo when he's done much worse.  My talk with her is just going to be about her indecision impacts me and I will most likely pull back from inviting her places even more than I've done in the last few months.   
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Bethalize on June 06, 2013, 01:26:26 PM
"The Rules" was written for women like Susie.  :o
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Venus193 on June 09, 2013, 12:45:12 PM
So now, I feel like a 5 yr old and want to just dig my heals in and say "No, you don't get to put me in wait & see status just because your BF puts YOU in wait & see status."


You feel like a 5 year old for this not because its immature of you, but because everyone else learned by 5 years old that your friend's behavior is obnoxious.

I think its not only perfectly ok, but high time, you say to your friend "no I won't wait and see. Either you want to make plans with me, or you want to make plans with your boyfriend. Either is fine but I'm not a back-up plan. I deserve to be given priority for plans once in a while. If you can't come I'll invite someone else, but I'm sure as heck not putting my plans on hold for your boyfriend."

I mean sure, once in a while people can't commit to advance plans, and sure its reasonable for anyone to say "hey let me check on that date/time and get back to you" (and then respond in a reasonable time) but its not ok to never make advance plans and expect other people to just wait to the last minute all the time. And if she is going to choose to do that, she needs to be the one who suffers/looses out, not anyone else.

Well, there's always, "Suzie, are you really happy with being a booty call? Is that what you want from a relationship?"

I agree with both of these.

Susie's BF does not respect her and she is being a doormat.  She is also pushing away friends with her lack of respect for their healthy boundaries. 

If it comes to this:

Quote
...the sad possibility that she may accuse you of "being jealous" of her relationship... I've seen this sort of thing happen before.

then she is a sorry case and I would just walk away.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: TootsNYC on June 09, 2013, 02:08:20 PM
"The Rules" was written for women like Susie.  :o

Yeah, right?

I know someone who honestly needs "The Rules." Most of the women I know don't, but this particular one...
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Amava on June 09, 2013, 02:15:05 PM
"The Rules" was written for women like Susie.  :o

Yeah, right?

I know someone who honestly needs "The Rules." Most of the women I know don't, but this particular one...

I don't know what that is... a book? A site?
Sounds interesting so help me out here?
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Miss Unleaded on June 10, 2013, 05:44:06 AM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rules

Some of them are common sense ('Don't Date a Married Man') others are ridiculous IMO ('Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date'). Many of them I broke myself ('Stop dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day') but still managed to get a husband  ;)
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Amava on June 10, 2013, 06:48:35 AM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rules

Some of them are common sense ('Don't Date a Married Man') others are ridiculous IMO ('Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date'). Many of them I broke myself ('Stop dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day') but still managed to get a husband  ;)
Thanks so much for sharing! That was an... interesting read.   :o That's all I'm going to say about it lest I completely derail the thread.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Bethalize on June 10, 2013, 01:16:18 PM
Thanks so much for sharing! That was an... interesting read.   :o That's all I'm going to say about it lest I completely derail the thread.

As one poster said to me when I asked the US people their views: "If you have no confidence, no boundaries, no interests and in fact no life outside of wanting a husband this will help you fake it until you make it." I'm paraphrasing a little, but that was the main point.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: quietgirl on June 10, 2013, 01:21:25 PM
I'm thinking a better book would be "He's Just Not That Into You".   ;)
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: Iris on June 11, 2013, 02:13:21 AM
I'm thinking a better book would be "He's Just Not That Into You".   ;)

Yes. This. 'The Rules' might teach her how to play stupid (imo) games to get his attention but HJNTIY is probably what she actually needs to hear.
Title: Re: Am I being rude or setting boundaries?
Post by: KB on June 11, 2013, 07:24:33 AM
I'm thinking a better book would be "He's Just Not That Into You".   ;)

I read a comment the other day that said something along the lines of the fact that that book was worthless and should be ignored because it "denied men and women their proper place [sic]."

I must admit I snorted and closed the browser window.