Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: MrTango on June 12, 2013, 09:15:16 AM

Title: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: MrTango on June 12, 2013, 09:15:16 AM
A close friend of mine and his wife are expecting and they mentioned that they had an idea of how and when to announce the baby's birth.

Their idea is to wait until at least a full week after their baby is born to notify anyone.  Their logic is that this way, they get that time as a family to bond with the baby and recover without having to deal with visitors.  Once they're home fom the hospital with the baby and they've had a few days, they'll call people (starting with their parents) and deliver the happy news.

The only reason they told me about this plan is because they asked if we could feed their cats while they're in the hospital.

My feeling about this is that it's entirely up to the parents to determine who to notify and when to notify them of a baby's birth, but I'm wondering what others think.  Specifically, if your adult child was expecting, would you be upset if no one called to let you know about the labor & delivery until a week later?
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: amylouky on June 12, 2013, 09:18:25 AM
Yes, I'd be upset, but that doesn't mean they don't have the right to do it. Their family, their choice.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: LeveeWoman on June 12, 2013, 09:19:46 AM
I'd be a bit miffed, but it's not my body or baby.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Cz. Burrito on June 12, 2013, 09:25:23 AM
For acquaintances, friends you don't see often, coworkers, and distant family...I think it's completely fine to wait a week.  I think parents, siblings, grandparents, and close friends should be told within a day or so of the birth, but only if they are people you can trust to respect the "No visitors until X day" preference.  If they won't respect the decision to have some alone time after the birth, then I don't think they've earned the right to be notified right away.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: lowspark on June 12, 2013, 09:26:29 AM
So when they say they aren't going to notify anyone, they include the grandparents-to-be in this? Wow. I think that says a lot about their re-lationship with their parents.

Yeah, I'd be shocked and hurt if my kids did that to me. However, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't. Not to mention, I'm in regular enough contact with them (mutually) that we wouldn't just go a week without communicating somehow (email, text or talking), especaially if they were imminently due to have a baby!
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Pen^2 on June 12, 2013, 09:43:56 AM
I don't see anything wrong with putting off the announcement per se... in this instance, I find it odd that they'll tell you over their own parents (cats aside), but it's their family, so good luck to them.

My husband almost died when he was born, and was in hospital for a while afterwards. There was no announcement because they honestly didn't know if he'd survive and they were spending all their time at the hospital anyway, and couldn't contact people easily (this was in the ancient and semi-mythical pre mobile phone era: PMP). So no-one else really knew for about a fortnight. It's just the way it was, and when you've just given birth and find out that your baby is probably about to die, I don't think you can blame the parents for prioritising things the way they did: choosing to spend time with their newborn son and the doctors over time with their siblings.

This is different, though. They're planning on not telling people purely for their own convenience. I can understand where they're coming from--who needs hundreds of visitors when mother is exhausted from having a baby explode out of her in slow motion? But I think it would be nicer to maybe say something more like, "baby was born, hooray! Name, date and time, weight, gender. Mother and baby are very worn-out, so thank you for waiting a few days before visiting to give them time to recover."

But I don't know this couple. Maybe they have a lot of pushy or even toxic relatives who would very happily gate-crash the hospital room and be overbearing and taxing. In that case, this might be warranted.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Jones on June 12, 2013, 09:48:06 AM
This is genius. I've never heard of such a thing before, but I can definitely see the upside to it!
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: cwm on June 12, 2013, 09:55:16 AM
When my sister was expecting, we had a family meeting as to who would be told what, when, and how. She had a list of who she wanted at the hospital (five people), who could be told same-day (five more people, by text message or phone call only), and everyone else could wait until she was home and settled before they knew the details.

It ended up being that she didn't wait long enough, as my niece wasn't very well at first and had to spent nearly all day every day on a bili-bed. Sis wasn't sleeping well, the kid wasn't sleeping well, and as soon as the announcement went out, sis got innundated with phone calls and text messages and people stopping by. They'd want to see the baby, who really did need to be left alone on the bili-bed, or the phone would wake the baby or my sister and she wasn't getting any real rest at all. My mom ended up sending out an email that mother and baby were doing as well as could be expected, but to PLEASE leave them alone until further notice. She got called rude. She took my sister's phone away and screened calls, lived in with her to help take care of the baby and be the mean one to turn people away, and my sister was miserable.

If this family wants to wait a week to announce the birth, that's their decision. I'm firmly supportive of them. And if they later decide that a week isn't enough time, then that's fine too. It's their child, it's their lives being disrupted, they have every right to spread the word when and how they feel comfortable.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: bah12 on June 12, 2013, 10:22:22 AM
As a family member, I would be hurt.  But my family is extremely close and we don't feel burdened by each other's presence.  We also know when to give each other space.  So, this, for me, would communicate that I am not trusted to honor the family time they desire to have.  And I would feel that I am a burden by being excited for the new baby.

However, those would be my feelings and my feelings don't make what this family is doing wrong. I can actually see the logic behind the desire to wait a week before letting anyone know that the baby has arrived.

I do wonder about the practicality and reality of pulling this off.  If the family isn't constantly in touch, I can see where it could work.  But in my family, it would be too difficult.  We like to visit each other at least every couple of weeks and we call regularly.  Especially close to my due date, as well as close to all of my sister's due dates, we were constatly in touch.  I can't imagine how I could have hidden some time in the hospital and later a baby in my home effectively.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: StuffedGrapeLeaves on June 12, 2013, 10:24:36 AM
I can actually see the upside of this.  We told the grandparents right away and other people a day after, and we were also inundated with calls, e-mails, etc.  My DS also ended up back in the hospital a couple of days after we brought him home, and it was very stressful.  It would have been nice to wait a week before dealing with everyone else.

MrTango, do you know whether they have a close relationship with their families?  Perhaps suggest to them that they should at least tell close family members (e.g., the grandparents) right away, but wait on everyone else, especially if the grandparents can be helpful and can respect boundaries. 
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: NyaChan on June 12, 2013, 10:30:48 AM
I think my immediate family would rather be notified about a birth in our close family, even if it were only a text, and told not to contact the parents until they call us than to be unaware for that week.  But then again, I would be hard pressed not to text "Congratulations!" or some such thing back (only if the notification was directly to my phone though) which would be violating the no contact rule so maybe this couple isn't so far off after all.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: MrTango on June 12, 2013, 10:34:55 AM
I can actually see the upside of this.  We told the grandparents right away and other people a day after, and we were also inundated with calls, e-mails, etc.  My DS also ended up back in the hospital a couple of days after we brought him home, and it was very stressful.  It would have been nice to wait a week before dealing with everyone else.

MrTango, do you know whether they have a close relationship with their families?  Perhaps suggest to them that they should at least tell close family members (e.g., the grandparents) right away, but wait on everyone else, especially if the grandparents can be helpful and can respect boundaries.

OP here:

I do know their parents, and though they didn't say as much, I think the bolded is likely their concern.

His mother is somewhat pushy, but I really believe her intentions are in the right place.  She would be constantly offering help cooking, cleaning, taking care of shopping, etc.  If they declined, she'd respect that, but her constant offers to help would stress my friends out.

Her mother, on the other hand, is pushy, overbearing, and manipulative.  My friends can handle being around her in small doses, but I doubt they'd be able to handle her that soon after the birth.

*fixed the bolding
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: WillyNilly on June 12, 2013, 10:44:11 AM
I have never understood people - friends or cousins, etc - who go to the hospital to visit after a baby is born. It has always struck me as such a selfish cruel unloving thing to do - its only about the visitors desire to see the baby and fails to respect the new parents. To me, it just seems like such a personal, and exhausting, and overwhelming time. These days I might send a text or FB message, in the past I'd drop a card in the mail to be waiting for them when they got home, but I wait until the people are home to call and certainly to visit.

If I have been caring and supportive and interested prior to the actual birth, I never thought people would consider me uncaring for not immediately rushing out to see them. 

I definitely think with over-bearing parents, this couple has the right idea. Their pushy moms created a situation where they have been deemed "stressful" and "unwelcome" - now they can bear the burden of that reputation.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: demarco on June 12, 2013, 10:45:01 AM
This is genius. I've never heard of such a thing before, but I can definitely see the upside to it!

I can see the upside, too.  I don't know about a whole week and it depends on the family situation but postponing notification at least until you are home from the hospital might be a very good idea in some cases. 
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: LeveeWoman on June 12, 2013, 10:45:15 AM
I can actually see the upside of this.  We told the grandparents right away and other people a day after, and we were also inundated with calls, e-mails, etc.  My DS also ended up back in the hospital a couple of days after we brought him home, and it was very stressful.  It would have been nice to wait a week before dealing with everyone else.

MrTango, do you know whether they have a close relationship with their families?  Perhaps suggest to them that they should at least tell close family members (e.g., the grandparents) right away, but wait on everyone else, especially if the grandparents can be helpful and can respect boundaries.

OP here:

I do know their parents, and though they didn't say as much, I think the bolded is likely their concern.

His mother is somewhat pushy, but I really believe her intentions are in the right place.  She would be constantly offering help cooking, cleaning, taking care of shopping, etc.  If they declined, she'd respect that, but her constant offers to help would stress my friends out.

Her mother, on the other hand, is pushy, overbearing, and manipulative.  My friends can handle being around her in small doses, but I doubt they'd be able to handle her that soon after the birth.

*fixed the bolding

Good boundaries.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: mime on June 12, 2013, 10:56:42 AM
My baby is due this Sunday. Only the grandparents and my brother will be welcomed during the first week. Those five people would be extremely hurt, and rightfully so given the nature of our relationships if we waited a week before letting them know the baby had arrived. In my case, I want their presence and support during that time. Not anyone else. We know from experience that these wishes will be respected.

The OP's friends' relationship with their own parents/family/friends could be very different from that, though. If the grandparents-to-be have a history of trampling boundaries (and I see that was confirmed as I was writing this), then I can understand the absolute need to take measures to reserve a week of private family time before letting anyone else know. They need to do what is best for their health/sanity and their family above the wishes and even the feelings of anyone else whose lives will not suddenly be turned upside-down once the baby is born.

Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: TeamBhakta on June 12, 2013, 10:59:27 AM
I don't see anything wrong with it. Heck, people on one of my other boards sometimes do that with their births; it's easier than "Oh, wow. You stopped by. Uninvited. Our first week home. And you want snacks. And now I have to put on nicer, less comfy clothes & play hostess...." I'm hoping to do the same if I have kids, since I cannot stand people coming and going, trying to be overly helpful, etc when I'm feeling under the weather
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Pen^2 on June 12, 2013, 11:04:57 AM
I can actually see the upside of this.  We told the grandparents right away and other people a day after, and we were also inundated with calls, e-mails, etc.  My DS also ended up back in the hospital a couple of days after we brought him home, and it was very stressful.  It would have been nice to wait a week before dealing with everyone else.

MrTango, do you know whether they have a close relationship with their families?  Perhaps suggest to them that they should at least tell close family members (e.g., the grandparents) right away, but wait on everyone else, especially if the grandparents can be helpful and can respect boundaries.

OP here:

I do know their parents, and though they didn't say as much, I think the bolded is likely their concern.

His mother is somewhat pushy, but I really believe her intentions are in the right place.  She would be constantly offering help cooking, cleaning, taking care of shopping, etc.  If they declined, she'd respect that, but her constant offers to help would stress my friends out.

Her mother, on the other hand, is pushy, overbearing, and manipulative.  My friends can handle being around her in small doses, but I doubt they'd be able to handle her that soon after the birth.

*fixed the bolding

In that case, this seems quite reasonable. It's their pregnancy and their child; if the grandparents are going to make things difficult for them, then they can exercise their right to tell them when the mother and child have recovered some of their health and are better able to cope.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: lowspark on June 12, 2013, 11:10:07 AM
I have never understood people - friends or cousins, etc - who go to the hospital to visit after a baby is born. It has always struck me as such a selfish cruel unloving thing to do - its only about the visitors desire to see the baby and fails to respect the new parents. To me, it just seems like such a personal, and exhausting, and overwhelming time. These days I might send a text or FB message, in the past I'd drop a card in the mail to be waiting for them when they got home, but I wait until the people are home to call and certainly to visit.

If I have been caring and supportive and interested prior to the actual birth, I never thought people would consider me uncaring for not immediately rushing out to see them. 

I definitely think with over-bearing parents, this couple has the right idea. Their pushy moms created a situation where they have been deemed "stressful" and "unwelcome" - now they can bear the burden of that reputation.

I think this is totally a know-your-audience kind of thing. When I had my babies, because they were c-sections, I was in the hospital for about 4 days. I was thrilled to have visitors after the first day, and in fact, my best friend was even there while I was in labor and I was glad to have her as a distraction - at least part of the time.

I can really understand people who don't feel the way I did, but I don't think you can make a blanket statement that everyone feels one way or the other. Which really means that you ought to just ask the Mom (or dad or whoever is close enough to know) if they want visitors or not and act accordingly.

But in fact, I think that's true for anyone in the hospital. A friend of mine just recently had a bad fall which required surgery on her arm and she was in the hospital for a couple of days. Another friend (closer than I) emailed a bunch of us to let us know. I made sure with that friend (who made sure with injured-friend) that she wanted visitors before I just dropped in.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: NyaChan on June 12, 2013, 11:13:21 AM
I have never understood people - friends or cousins, etc - who go to the hospital to visit after a baby is born. It has always struck me as such a selfish cruel unloving thing to do - its only about the visitors desire to see the baby and fails to respect the new parents. To me, it just seems like such a personal, and exhausting, and overwhelming time.

The thing is, it isn't like that for everyone though.  We visit people in the hospital because it is expected of us and we care about those people, not because we are trying to satisfy some selfish desire to see the child.  It is customary in our family and in our community unless someone decides not to have visitors - asking first is a must!  I think the difference is that for some people, when they are exhausted or overwhelmed, the presence of family or close friends is a comfort not a hindrance.  It isn't that way for everyone of course, especially if there are relationship issues like the couple here, but when people ask to visit, not having been told they aren't welcome, it is often because they don't automatically think it is an imposition.  Not everyone shows up demanding to be served you know - when I visited a family friend in the hospital after her third child, I held the baby and gave a gift within 5 minutes and then took the other two kids out of the room for a walk to the cafeteria and gift shop so she and her husband could have some time to relax. 
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: WillyNilly on June 12, 2013, 11:14:10 AM
^ I was talking about people who just show up. "Oh Nancy had the baby?  I'll head over there as soon as I'm done with work!" Or people who aren't sure close - when DH was still just a boyfriend his friend's wife had a baby. I had met the friend about a dozen times the wife once. DH-then-BF invited me to come with him to the hospital, I declined... but many other sort of random folks didn't (I know the wife much better now, and she' mentioned it).

Basically I see it as an "invite" situation. now with some relationships the 'invite' is just an expectation, but my point is random, not super close, not best friends, etc who show up.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: CrazyDaffodilLady on June 12, 2013, 11:15:37 AM
My mental picture of a baby arrival is that the parents (or designated relative) are so elated that they can't wait to share the news, post photos, etc. However, if there are people who will turn the happy event into a stressful, exhausting experience, you do what you have to do to protect yourself.

One of my most cherished memories is the phone call I got from my father informing me of the birth of my niece.  I would've been very hurt if the news had been withheld from me for a week. 
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Deetee on June 12, 2013, 11:17:15 AM
I can totally get behind not wanting visitors. (Well not personally as I was " hosting" dinners for 10 a couple days after) But I was also good with leaving them to fend for themselves) I can't understand not telling anyone for a week. It seems so cold. For the sake of family relations, I would strongly suggest that you make the announcement and mention no visits. Then don't answer the phone or the door. That's fine.

Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: TootsNYC on June 12, 2013, 11:25:29 AM
I would be hurt not to be notified, but I'd also be OK with it.

The *biggest* reason I'd be hurt is that I think I *can* say, "Do you want me to come over? Shall I some see you guys in the hospital, or is that overwhelming?"

And I'd be hurt because they'd be deliberately shutting me out of one of their most joyous moments, and I'd worry that they didn't love me, or that they felt they needed to protect themselves from me.

However, if I were a pushy person, I'd be even MORE upset, because--well, I'd be pushy and have no sense of boundaries, right?


I got descended upon with Kid No. 1--I looked up during visiting hours, and there were 25 people in my room, no joke. All people I loved and whose presence was perfectly appropriate, but it was all of them, all at once! (C-section, so I was in there for a few days)

For Kid No. 2, esp. since it was a premature birth, I told my MIL that she could *tell* people in the family, but that nobody was to visit. (Another C-section, so again, in there a few days, but not really comfortable.) Well, *she* could visit, but not the other people.

But I could *trust* her, and I could *trust* the other relatives, to respect the boundaries I had set. I could say, "well, come and meet the baby, but then go home," and she'd do it.

If you can't trust people to respect your boundaries, then I think you'd have to almost flat-out lie to them. Which is too bad. (and there you go--respect preserves honesty; lack of respect destroys it)
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Sharnita on June 12, 2013, 11:31:54 AM
Do they normally go week at a time without communicating with family/ friends?If so then I think the plan works. Ortherwise it seems like they go unexpectedly silemt and worry people or outright lie when they do talk to people. Eithet could have a damaging impact on relationships.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: StuffedGrapeLeaves on June 12, 2013, 11:34:59 AM
I can actually see the upside of this.  We told the grandparents right away and other people a day after, and we were also inundated with calls, e-mails, etc.  My DS also ended up back in the hospital a couple of days after we brought him home, and it was very stressful.  It would have been nice to wait a week before dealing with everyone else.

MrTango, do you know whether they have a close relationship with their families?  Perhaps suggest to them that they should at least tell close family members (e.g., the grandparents) right away, but wait on everyone else, especially if the grandparents can be helpful and can respect boundaries.

OP here:

I do know their parents, and though they didn't say as much, I think the bolded is likely their concern.

His mother is somewhat pushy, but I really believe her intentions are in the right place.  She would be constantly offering help cooking, cleaning, taking care of shopping, etc.  If they declined, she'd respect that, but her constant offers to help would stress my friends out.

Her mother, on the other hand, is pushy, overbearing, and manipulative.  My friends can handle being around her in small doses, but I doubt they'd be able to handle her that soon after the birth.

*fixed the bolding

In this case I can see why they would want to wait.  I hope they have their spines nice and strong, because they are going to continue to need them with parents like these.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: MrTango on June 12, 2013, 11:38:45 AM
Do they normally go week at a time without communicating with family/ friends?If so then I think the plan works. Ortherwise it seems like they go unexpectedly silemt and worry people or outright lie when they do talk to people. Eithet could have a damaging impact on relationships.

I don't know if they've considered this.  The next time I talk with my friends, I'll point that out and let them decide what they think is best.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: QueenfaninCA on June 12, 2013, 11:47:49 AM
Do they normally go week at a time without communicating with family/ friends?If so then I think the plan works. Ortherwise it seems like they go unexpectedly silemt and worry people or outright lie when they do talk to people. Eithet could have a damaging impact on relationships.

POD. I think it's close to impossible to keep this secret for a week especially if the relatives know the due date and the baby is not way early.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Eeep! on June 12, 2013, 12:02:05 PM
Do they normally go week at a time without communicating with family/ friends?If so then I think the plan works. Ortherwise it seems like they go unexpectedly silemt and worry people or outright lie when they do talk to people. Eithet could have a damaging impact on relationships.

POD. I think it's close to impossible to keep this secret for a week especially if the relatives know the due date and the baby is not way early.

I agree that I think this would only work if no one knew the due date either. Because I have heard that pretty much as soon as you hit your due date, or even a bit before, people start asking you if you had your baby yet. (Both my boys were early so I was saved this phenomenon but I had friends who went through it.)  Even if the people are well meaning, not nosy, they will still probably get "how are you holding up?" type questions. So either they will have to ignore all of them - which might cause people concern. Or lie. Which is kind of awkward.  Especially if the mom is the type to ask to help, etc., I really doubt she would let the due date pass without saying anything. (Again, not necessarily from a bad place.)
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Oh Joy on June 12, 2013, 12:12:31 PM
Do they normally go week at a time without communicating with family/ friends?If so then I think the plan works. Ortherwise it seems like they go unexpectedly silemt and worry people or outright lie when they do talk to people. Eithet could have a damaging impact on relationships.

I don't know if they've considered this.  The next time I talk with my friends, I'll point that out and let them decide what they think is best.

Every family is different and I totally respect privacy after childbirth (I have two little ones myself) but it's the medical aspect that makes me a bit uncomfortable with the plan.

Dear loved ones-

We have a major medical event coming up for two of our family members in the next few weeks.  It's completely natural and usually has a very positive outcome, but there are risks.  Whenever it happens, we're going to stop communicating with everyone for a week.  If we stop answering our phones and updating Facebook, please don't keep trying to reach us or come over.  We'll tell you if we're OK when we're ready.

-Us


That doesn't quite sit right with me.  I can think of other approaches that assure family, for example, that we will let them know if there are complications, but share that they are asking for privacy through this transition.

But, again, every family is different.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: magician5 on June 12, 2013, 12:12:46 PM
It might grate on me a little, but I think the issue is "do they feel I'm one of those family members who won't take 'no' for an answer?" Maybe a blanket 'everybody-or-nobody' policy is best to defend one's most precious time.

I wonder: would the people who get most upset be the same people who most need to be on the 'wait to tell 'em' list? And if you can be trusted to let them have a week's peace, can you guarantee that you won't be tempted to spill the news to someone they wouldn't have told?
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: TootsNYC on June 12, 2013, 12:16:21 PM
I see your point, but note this probable edit in *meaning*:



Every family is different and I totally respect privacy after childbirth (I have two little ones myself) but it's the medical aspect that makes me a bit uncomfortable with the plan.

Dear loved ones-

We have a major medical event coming up for two of our family members in the next few weeks.  It's completely natural and usually has a very positive outcome, but there are risks.  Whenever it happens, we're going to stop communicating with everyone for a week. If something does go wrong, we will of course be in touch immediately. However, if all proceeds safely, we will not contact you. If we stop answering our phones and updating Facebook, please don't keep trying to reach us or come over.  We'll tell you if we're OK when we're ready.

-Us


That doesn't quite sit right with me.  I can think of other approaches that assure family, for example, that we will let them know if there are complications, but share that they are asking for privacy through this transition.

But, again, every family is different.

No news is good news.

(and I keep bringing this back to my own reaction, and I would want to know. Just know. I would want to be told. But of course, *I* would not go to the hospital or the house, etc. And I wouldn't call. But I'd be stalking their Facebook page!)


It might grate on me a little, but I think the issue is "do they feel I'm one of those family members who won't take 'no' for an answer?" Maybe a blanket 'everybody-or-nobody' policy is best to defend one's most precious time.

I wonder: would the people who get most upset be the same people who most need to be on the 'wait to tell 'em' list?

I think so! And if I were the person being excluded under an "everybody or nobody" policy, I'd like to have it explained to me, in confidence. It would keep me from being less hurt, and then I could also help "manage" the other grandma by modeling an accepting behavior.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: TeamBhakta on June 12, 2013, 12:42:32 PM
Quote
I think so! And if I were the person being excluded under an "everybody or nobody" policy, I'd like to have it explained to me, in confidence. It would keep me from being less hurt, and then I could also help "manage" the other grandma by modeling an accepting behavior.

Here's the thing, though: people who need to be told "you're (one of) the reason(s)" will say to the expecting parents "I'm just being helpful. Clearly you can't appreciate my big heart / awesomeness / Mary Poppins bag of parenting wisdom (Now I must figure out another way to weasel around your request. Or pout and act butt hurt, until you feel the birth is all about meeee.)"
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: TootsNYC on June 12, 2013, 12:47:16 PM
Quote
I think so! And if I were the person being excluded under an "everybody or nobody" policy, I'd like to have it explained to me, in confidence. It would keep me from being less hurt, and then I could also help "manage" the other grandma by modeling an accepting behavior.

Here's the thing, though: people who need to be told "you're (one of) the reason(s)" will say to the expecting parents "I'm just being helpful. Clearly you can't appreciate my big heart / awesomeness / Mary Poppins bag of parenting wisdom (Now I must figure out another way to weasel around your request. Or pout and act butt hurt, until you feel the birth is all about meeee.)"

No, no--I mean, I'm the *reasonable* grandma, who is being excluded because they don't want to play favorites ("everybody or nobody"), and so I'd like to be told, "we aren't going to have any of the grandmas because it's just too difficult w/ the other grandma, so please help us by not kicking up a fuss"--Or, maybe, just "we're just going to exclude everybody" and then I can draw my own conclusions, but I don't feel as personally hurt.
  Then I could switch into "helpful" mode and view my staying away as "helping them w/ family difficulties." And if the other grandma whined, I could say, "yes, it was a bit disappointing, but what a wonderful little time they had, as a new family!" to sort of indicate how reasonable I thought it was.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Secret on June 12, 2013, 12:56:24 PM

"I think this is totally a know-your-audience kind of thing. When I had my babies, because they were c-sections, I was in the hospital for about 4 days. I was thrilled to have visitors after the first day, and in fact, my best friend was even there while I was in labor and I was glad to have her as a distraction - at least part of the time."

I totally agree with this!  The same thing happened to me.  Visting hours would come and go and I'd be like, "People come visit!"  But when I got home, the adjustment and the increased getting out of bed for midnight feedings and care  and post surgery issues took a toll and I really did not want visitors. 

However, I explained this to my husband that I preferred to have  visitiors in the hospital rather than coming to our house in the week or 2 after and he completely disagrees with me.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: TeamBhakta on June 12, 2013, 12:59:20 PM
Quote
I think so! And if I were the person being excluded under an "everybody or nobody" policy, I'd like to have it explained to me, in confidence. It would keep me from being less hurt, and then I could also help "manage" the other grandma by modeling an accepting behavior.

Here's the thing, though: people who need to be told "you're (one of) the reason(s)" will say to the expecting parents "I'm just being helpful. Clearly you can't appreciate my big heart / awesomeness / Mary Poppins bag of parenting wisdom (Now I must figure out another way to weasel around your request. Or pout and act butt hurt, until you feel the birth is all about meeee.)"

No, no--I mean, I'm the *reasonable* grandma, who is being excluded because they don't want to play favorites ("everybody or nobody"), and so I'd like to be told, "we aren't going to have any of the grandmas because it's just too difficult w/ the other grandma, so please help us by not kicking up a fuss"--Or, maybe, just "we're just going to exclude everybody" and then I can draw my own conclusions, but I don't feel as personally hurt.
  Then I could switch into "helpful" mode and view my staying away as "helping them w/ family difficulties." And if the other grandma whined, I could say, "yes, it was a bit disappointing, but what a wonderful little time they had, as a new family!" to sort of indicate how reasonable I thought it was.

I don't know, I'd worry about Reasonable Grandma slipping up with "Well, Cousin Suzy, you know they aren't doing it because of me. It's Other Grandma who's overly pushy. Just between you and me, of course."
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: turnip on June 12, 2013, 01:01:26 PM
Like a lot of situations, I think this is one of those "Yes, they can do this.  Yes, their family has every right to hurt feelings because of it" scenarios.    The couple can delay their announcement but they have to be prepared not everyone may take it well. 

I have to be honest, for me I'd rather have the announcement of my child's healthy birth be a joyous, wonderful experience for everyone, and then deal with the fallout of having to say "No, thank you" to kind offers.    It sounds like this couple overall has a loving family which is a wonderful blessing to new parents.  I'd err on the side of letting them in, rather than keeping them out.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: siamesecat2965 on June 12, 2013, 01:03:06 PM
For acquaintances, friends you don't see often, coworkers, and distant family...I think it's completely fine to wait a week.  I think parents, siblings, grandparents, and close friends should be told within a day or so of the birth, but only if they are people you can trust to respect the "No visitors until X day" preference.  If they won't respect the decision to have some alone time after the birth, then I don't think they've earned the right to be notified right away.

This. While I don't have kids or plan to have any, I might do the same thing. Alhtough I know my mom well enough to know she would respect any wishes I had, whether it be to be with while giving birth, coming to the hospital, or coming to see us at home, whatever I wanted, she would be on board with.

but its ultimately up to the parents. if this is what they want, then I say fine, and if anyone gets upset then oh well.

Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: LeveeWoman on June 12, 2013, 01:04:51 PM

"I think this is totally a know-your-audience kind of thing. When I had my babies, because they were c-sections, I was in the hospital for about 4 days. I was thrilled to have visitors after the first day, and in fact, my best friend was even there while I was in labor and I was glad to have her as a distraction - at least part of the time."

I totally agree with this!  The same thing happened to me.  Visting hours would come and go and I'd be like, "People come visit!"  But when I got home, the adjustment and the increased getting out of bed for midnight feedings and care  and post surgery issues took a toll and I really did not want visitors. 

However, I explained this to my husband that I preferred to have  visitiors in the hospital rather than coming to our house in the week or 2 after and he completely disagrees with me.

I'd tell him he can have things the way he wants them when he has the next baby.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: siamesecat2965 on June 12, 2013, 01:06:42 PM
I have never understood people - friends or cousins, etc - who go to the hospital to visit after a baby is born. It has always struck me as such a selfish cruel unloving thing to do - its only about the visitors desire to see the baby and fails to respect the new parents. To me, it just seems like such a personal, and exhausting, and overwhelming time.

The thing is, it isn't like that for everyone though.  We visit people in the hospital because it is expected of us and we care about those people, not because we are trying to satisfy some selfish desire to see the child.  It is customary in our family and in our community unless someone decides not to have visitors - asking first is a must!  I think the difference is that for some people, when they are exhausted or overwhelmed, the presence of family or close friends is a comfort not a hindrance.  It isn't that way for everyone of course, especially if there are relationship issues like the couple here, but when people ask to visit, not having been told they aren't welcome, it is often because they don't automatically think it is an imposition.  Not everyone shows up demanding to be served you know - when I visited a family friend in the hospital after her third child, I held the baby and gave a gift within 5 minutes and then took the other two kids out of the room for a walk to the cafeteria and gift shop so she and her husband could have some time to relax.

I went to see my very close friend the day after she gave birth, in the hospital. BUT, I asked if it was ok, and even told her, if for some reason, as it gets closer to the time I'm expected (after work) text me, and even if I'm in the parking lot, I will turn around and go home. She wanted me there, and I was happy to oblige, but had she said you know what, I had a c-section and feel icky and don't want any visitors, that would have been fine as well.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: guihong on June 12, 2013, 01:35:49 PM
We did this, but in reverse.  DH's parents knew our second son was coming via emergency C-section and came down, but DS2 was in such bad shape we didn't tell anyone else for at least a week until we were sure he would make it :(.  I didn't want the church ladies or my Mom's group over, as DS was in fragile health and little immune system even when he was home.

There are a lot of grandparents mentioned on this site who wouldn't respect boundaries and would push in (obviously, as this is an etiquette site).
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: LadyR on June 12, 2013, 02:11:57 PM
I just had a baby. I notified everyone within 24 hours, however we set clear boundaries ahead of time. The only visits for the first week were my bff, our respective parent and two of DH's three siblings and their families. Our families are close and we wanted to share our new child with them right away.

When my older son was born, we had friends decide to visit us the first weekened, and it wasn't welcome. This time we set a date for a meet the baby party and made it clear people can meet him then. We've had ine friend (other than bff) come up before the party, but he asked if he could and it was a weekend when he'd be our only visitor so we said yes.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Outdoor Girl on June 12, 2013, 02:19:22 PM
I don't visit anyone in the hospital after having a baby unless they make it clear they'd like the visit.  I saw my SIL (and brother) the day after my oldest nephew was born because they happened to be in a hospital near me.  I didn't see youngest nephew right away but he was born at home (on purpose) anyway.

The only person I've visited who wasn't family was a good friend.  I was in town for the day and her husband and older child met up with a group of us for a meal.  He suggested I swing by - she was fine but baby had some jaundice so they were keeping them both for an extra couple of days.  I didn't stay long but appreciated the chance to see her while I was in town.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: darkprincess on June 12, 2013, 02:43:01 PM
Baby number 1 resulted in lots of people in the waiting room. After they were told that no one but dear hubby could be in the room through labor one grandmother wouldn't leave while they were checking for dilatation. They were eventually escorted out. Everyone pouncing on us after baby was born which meant 9 people were able to push their way into the OR recovery room while I tried to recover from an emergency C-Section, They then watched while I tried to feed baby for the first time and then played pass my newborn baby around while I was on painkillers. I had actually told them not to come until X time, which doctor's had assured me would be hours after we had given birth. They came 6 hrs before that. We had visitors who brought their boyfriends (who we had never met), family that stayed for hours and hours, family that volunteered to stay at our house and help, yet I still was expected to host for three day so they could "hold" and bond with baby.

It sounds like the mother to be knows what type of behavior might occur and they are trying to avoid what I had as a nightmare.
Baby 2 was an entirely different matter. No none knew when we were exactly due, no one was told we were in the hospital until baby was born and we had alone time with baby. Nurses were told that visits could not exceed 1 hour, no matter who they were. No one was allowed to stay the night at our house. We were able to bond as a family. My recovery was so much quicker and easier, and better I didn't leave the experience wanting to never see family again.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: lakey on June 12, 2013, 03:05:48 PM
It's a shame that they feel they have to do this, but sometimes people have relatives who don't respect boundaries.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Cami on June 12, 2013, 05:17:13 PM
For me, it would all depend upon the reasons why.

I can see why a couple whose parents are pushy and demanding and unhelpful would reasonably want to delay the announcement. I don't actually see how that's going to work, however, as unless they've lied about the due date, the grandparents are no doubt going to be calling to ask if the baby is imminent and you don't answer or they hear a noise in the background and the gig is up.  And are they going to lie if they are point blank asked, "Has her labor started?" Honestly, to me it seems like it's almost as stressful to lie as it is to tell the truth.

I know, however, a couple who kept it a secret because they were into the idea of a family unit bonding by excluding everyone else. They finally informed her mother 3 weeks after the birth (after lying and putting off her visiting for that time) because they wanted her help now. She was deeply hurt and told them that since the most important thing to them was bonding, she'd hate to intrude on the bonding that comes through solving problems on your own as a team. So good luck and call her when she wouldn't be intruding on their bonding time.  The next baby, they told her about shortly after birth.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: jane7166 on June 12, 2013, 07:14:35 PM
I wonder, if the extended family is local, if the public records in the newspaper for births, deaths, crime reports, etc., might turn into an unintended birth announcement if the parents wait more than a week before notifying anyone. 
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: WillyNilly on June 12, 2013, 07:28:50 PM
I wonder, if the extended family is local, if the public records in the newspaper for births, deaths, crime reports, etc., might turn into an unintended birth announcement if the parents wait more than a week before notifying anyone.

Birth records are published in your local papers? That seems a bit... too much personal information out in the public to me. I mean sure if someone sends in something to be announced, but for the paper to just run it?  That seems like a major invasion of privacy!
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Harriet Jones on June 12, 2013, 07:48:56 PM
I wonder, if the extended family is local, if the public records in the newspaper for births, deaths, crime reports, etc., might turn into an unintended birth announcement if the parents wait more than a week before notifying anyone.

Birth records are published in your local papers? That seems a bit... too much personal information out in the public to me. I mean sure if someone sends in something to be announced, but for the paper to just run it?  That seems like a major invasion of privacy!

It seems unlikely that with the current HIPAA regulations that a baby's birth announcement would be published without the parents' consent.  A lot of newspapers may even charge to print the info.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: *inviteseller on June 12, 2013, 08:10:29 PM
I'm sure they have their reasons...but it seems very strange to me.  With my first DD I called and woke my parents  up at 2 am and they were thrilled and waited a week to come see me (we did live an hour apart and parents worked).  My sister and best friend were at the hospital the next afternoon and I loved it.  exDH's family were at the house when we brought her home but didn't stay long.  With DD 2, I called my parents from the delivery room because they had older DD, my sister was with me in delivery room (dad was driving in from 4 hrs away and she came quick so he coached me on the phone!) .   It would truly have to be a toxic situation for me not to tell at least the immediate families as soon as possible. 

When older DD was born (18 years ago yesterday), I lived in a podunk town and they did list the births in the paper.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Bluenomi on June 12, 2013, 09:03:40 PM
In the case the OP has explained I can completely understand the parent's reasoning. Some grandparents/family are difficult to deal with and they are just making life easier on themselves which is perfectly acceptable.

When we had DD DH didn't let his parents know when I went into labour because he knew they would constantly hassle him for updates and he didn't want to be dealing with them at the time. I told my parents because I knew they wouldn't constantly call which they didn't.

This time around there is a very good chance we will know when the twins are arriving in advance so DH and I will be making some very clear rules for the grandparents and I wouldn't be surprised if DH doesn't tell his folks the date to avoid dramas.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: LifeOnPluto on June 12, 2013, 10:02:30 PM
It does seem a bit cold to me. I think ideally, close relatives (such as the new grandparents) should be told within a day of the birth. If the new parents don't want visitors, they can let their loved ones know (and tell the hospital not to admit visitors to see the new mum, if necessary).

If the relatives are likely to ignore the request to not visit, I guess I can see why a couple may not want to tell anyone until after a week has passed. Although it seems a little unfair to lump all the reasonable relatives in with the boundary-trampling ones.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Surianne on June 12, 2013, 10:16:20 PM
I think when to notify others of the birth is an entirely personal choice based on family dynamics, and it's not for us (or anyone else) to judge.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: johelenc1 on June 12, 2013, 11:34:50 PM
I have never understood people - friends or cousins, etc - who go to the hospital to visit after a baby is born. It has always struck me as such a selfish cruel unloving thing to do - its only about the visitors desire to see the baby and fails to respect the new parents. To me, it just seems like such a personal, and exhausting, and overwhelming time. These days I might send a text or FB message, in the past I'd drop a card in the mail to be waiting for them when they got home, but I wait until the people are home to call and certainly to visit.

If I have been caring and supportive and interested prior to the actual birth, I never thought people would consider me uncaring for not immediately rushing out to see them. 

I definitely think with over-bearing parents, this couple has the right idea. Their pushy moms created a situation where they have been deemed "stressful" and "unwelcome" - now they can bear the burden of that reputation.

I loved people coming to see me at the hospital after my girls were born.  I was thrilled to share my joy.  My girls were also born at 26.1 weeks and were in great danger of not making it.  The first two weeks we had a dozen visitors to see how we were and to see the babies, including aunts and uncles that hadn't been to visit in years!  The day they were born - unexpectedly obviously - several people from my church came to wait at the hospital to lend support.  Over the next 4 months, I was able to introduce several friends to the girls and I loved every visit.

It made us feel loved and cared about.  I couldn't take my babies to church or to see friends or family.  I was so happy people were willing to come visit them in the hospital so I could show them off.  They were beautiful to me - even hooked up to IV's, tubes, and looking like scrawny little alien creatures.

If the parents want to wait a week - that's certainly their choice.  I couldn't even imagine not telling the grandparents their grandchild was born for a whole week.  If I was a grandparent, I couldn't imagine not being told for a week.  I would be beyond hurt.

But, I think it really says a lot about the relationship the parents have with their family.  To me, their parents better be pretty awful to warrant such treatment.  If the relationship wasn't already strained, the PTB better be prepared for it to be.  For me though, if I thought my family members were so bad I wouldn't tell them I had a baby for a week, then I probably wouldn't have them in my life at all.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Twik on June 12, 2013, 11:38:22 PM
I wonder, if the extended family is local, if the public records in the newspaper for births, deaths, crime reports, etc., might turn into an unintended birth announcement if the parents wait more than a week before notifying anyone.

Birth records are published in your local papers? That seems a bit... too much personal information out in the public to me. I mean sure if someone sends in something to be announced, but for the paper to just run it?  That seems like a major invasion of privacy!

As public records, they used to be run like that all the time.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Pen^2 on June 13, 2013, 05:05:41 AM
I wonder, if the extended family is local, if the public records in the newspaper for births, deaths, crime reports, etc., might turn into an unintended birth announcement if the parents wait more than a week before notifying anyone.

Birth records are published in your local papers? That seems a bit... too much personal information out in the public to me. I mean sure if someone sends in something to be announced, but for the paper to just run it?  That seems like a major invasion of privacy!

As public records, they used to be run like that all the time.

The last three places I've lived in have all done this with births (not sure about deaths). Since it's all freely available to anyone as a part of public records, there is no invasion of privacy whatsoever. And people factor it into things anyway, so it doesn't really affect anything in the end.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: KarenK on June 13, 2013, 06:50:23 AM
I think when to notify others of the birth is an entirely personal choice based on family dynamics, and it's not for us (or anyone else) to judge.

I agree with Surianne.

I'm waiting to hear about my imminent grand-nephew, who is due to arrive fairly soon. He's going to be born at the hospital where I work, so visiting will be no problem (so long as they're here Monday-Friday during normal business hours LOL!), but I won't go up unless they tell me it's okay. The mom does not need my support - she has a perfectly good mother and sister if she needs it - so I can add nothing to the party. If for some reason they decide to just go it alone and have no one visit during the time they're here, I'd be okay with that. It's up to them. Having a baby is a very personal thing, and the parents get to decide how to handle it. I'm here for them if they need me, and they know that.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Redsoil on June 13, 2013, 06:53:44 AM
I think it's a great idea, given that the couple obviously know the stress and problems that will ensue if they tell the grandparents soon after the birth.  Good on them!  It's a lovely thing for them to be able to relax somewhat and recover from the event without worrying about all the emotions dealing with (possibly toxic) relatives will bring.  No-one from a "normal" family will probably understand, but those of us with problem families understand only too well.

There may well be fallout, but is that likely to be any harder to deal with than what could happen if "normal" procedure is followed?  At least thay will have had their special time together before having to deal.

I think it's a shame that our society understands the need for a couple to have time alone on a honeymoon, but lacks the same understanding in some instances with regard to newborns and bonding with mum and dad.

Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: whatsanenigma on June 13, 2013, 06:54:42 AM
It's a shame that they feel they have to do this, but sometimes people have relatives who don't respect boundaries.

I agree with this.  This is what would go through my mind if I were a friend in this situation, learning that I wouldn't know of the birth until a week afterwards.  I would feel a bit sad and left out, but not in a personal way.  I would understand that the family dynamics, which the details of are not my business, require this drastic action, and yes it is a shame, but it's not personal to me, it's just what has to be done for their particular situation.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: whatsanenigma on June 13, 2013, 07:01:38 AM
I think it's a shame that our society understands the need for a couple to have time alone on a honeymoon, but lacks the same understanding in some instances with regard to newborns and bonding with mum and dad.

I think part of the problem is that society has an overly-optimistic mindset when it comes to other people and babies.  Not many generations ago, having other friends and relatives come over after a birth was almost a necessity, after all.  Baby born at home, the mother still responsible for the household tasks and possibly other children, in a fragile state of health (before modern medicine) after childbirth...I think people nowadays somehow think that it still works like that, that the mother needs or at the very least will welcome assistance from friends and relatives.  But nowadays it isn't usually needed in such an intense way (though exceptions do exist) and some relatives who would come really don't have the best interest of the new mother and child in mind, and either are flat out toxic or even just so self-centered that they hurt more than help.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: demarco on June 13, 2013, 08:21:28 AM
I wonder, if the extended family is local, if the public records in the newspaper for births, deaths, crime reports, etc., might turn into an unintended birth announcement if the parents wait more than a week before notifying anyone.

Birth records are published in your local papers? That seems a bit... too much personal information out in the public to me. I mean sure if someone sends in something to be announced, but for the paper to just run it?  That seems like a major invasion of privacy!

As public records, they used to be run like that all the time.

The last three places I've lived in have all done this with births (not sure about deaths). Since it's all freely available to anyone as a part of public records, there is no invasion of privacy whatsoever. And people factor it into things anyway, so it doesn't really affect anything in the end.

Births, marriage licenses, and divorces are all announced once a week in my local paper. Every place I've ever lived does this, big city or small town.  There is a time lag in the listings, maybe enough time to give the new parents the time they want. 
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Winterlight on June 13, 2013, 08:48:57 AM
I don't think it's rude. However, the parents should be prepared for any eventual fallout from it.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: TootsNYC on June 13, 2013, 10:25:27 AM
I wonder, if the extended family is local, if the public records in the newspaper for births, deaths, crime reports, etc., might turn into an unintended birth announcement if the parents wait more than a week before notifying anyone.

Birth records are published in your local papers? That seems a bit... too much personal information out in the public to me. I mean sure if someone sends in something to be announced, but for the paper to just run it?  That seems like a major invasion of privacy!

As public records, they used to be run like that all the time.

And "getting born" is not really medical information so much as it is legal.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: WillyNilly on June 13, 2013, 10:48:44 AM
I wonder, if the extended family is local, if the public records in the newspaper for births, deaths, crime reports, etc., might turn into an unintended birth announcement if the parents wait more than a week before notifying anyone.

Birth records are published in your local papers? That seems a bit... too much personal information out in the public to me. I mean sure if someone sends in something to be announced, but for the paper to just run it?  That seems like a major invasion of privacy!

As public records, they used to be run like that all the time.

And "getting born" is not really medical information so much as it is legal.

I just never heard of such a thing happening modernly. I know such information was published in the past, I just thought it was no longer done, due to HIPAA. I mean saying "7 babies were born this week", maybe even giving a bit of information "6 were healthy, one was premature and is under observation but expected to be fine". That information about people being born.

But saying "Mary Smith gave birth to a 7lb boy Thursday" is not about the baby being born its about Ms Smith giving birth. Its a slight difference but to me a huge one. The baby's birth is public, legal information, but the mother giving birth is private personal medical information.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: TootsNYC on June 13, 2013, 11:10:53 AM
But saying "Baby Boy Smith was born this day" is very much public information. A human being now exists and has a legal identity.
   The fact that his mother had to give birth to do so is not really all that private a piece of information, really. It's simply how it works.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: MrTango on June 13, 2013, 11:17:00 AM
I don't know whether our local papers would run any such announcement unless someone requests (and pays for) it, but if they do, it's something that would be out of the parents' control.

It's something else I'll mention the next time I see friends, but knowing them, they'll probably take the approach that there's no sense stressing out over something over which they have no control.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Visiting Crazy Town on June 13, 2013, 01:07:55 PM
I wonder, if the extended family is local, if the public records in the newspaper for births, deaths, crime reports, etc., might turn into an unintended birth announcement if the parents wait more than a week before notifying anyone.

Birth records are published in your local papers? That seems a bit... too much personal information out in the public to me. I mean sure if someone sends in something to be announced, but for the paper to just run it?  That seems like a major invasion of privacy!

As public records, they used to be run like that all the time.

And "getting born" is not really medical information so much as it is legal.

I just never heard of such a thing happening modernly. I know such information was published in the past, I just thought it was no longer done, due to HIPAA. I mean saying "7 babies were born this week", maybe even giving a bit of information "6 were healthy, one was premature and is under observation but expected to be fine". That information about people being born.

But saying "Mary Smith gave birth to a 7lb boy Thursday" is not about the baby being born its about Ms Smith giving birth. Its a slight difference but to me a huge one. The baby's birth is public, legal information, but the mother giving birth is private personal medical information.

 HIPAA laws have nothing to do with a newspaper , they  address what  information a medical professional can release without a patient's permission.  I'm assuming if it is in a newspaper then it is because the family wanted it published and it has nothing to do with the hospital, so therefore it doesn't violate any HIPAA laws
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: TootsNYC on June 13, 2013, 01:31:18 PM
In some places, it's in the newspaper because the birth has been entered as a matter of public record, at the courthouse. Where anybody can go look and see who was born, who died, or who was married that week.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: WillyNilly on June 13, 2013, 01:34:13 PM
I wonder, if the extended family is local, if the public records in the newspaper for births, deaths, crime reports, etc., might turn into an unintended birth announcement if the parents wait more than a week before notifying anyone.

Birth records are published in your local papers? That seems a bit... too much personal information out in the public to me. I mean sure if someone sends in something to be announced, but for the paper to just run it?  That seems like a major invasion of privacy!

As public records, they used to be run like that all the time.

And "getting born" is not really medical information so much as it is legal.

I just never heard of such a thing happening modernly. I know such information was published in the past, I just thought it was no longer done, due to HIPAA. I mean saying "7 babies were born this week", maybe even giving a bit of information "6 were healthy, one was premature and is under observation but expected to be fine". That information about people being born.

But saying "Mary Smith gave birth to a 7lb boy Thursday" is not about the baby being born its about Ms Smith giving birth. Its a slight difference but to me a huge one. The baby's birth is public, legal information, but the mother giving birth is private personal medical information.

 HIPAA laws have nothing to do with a newspaper , they  address what  information a medical professional can release without a patient's permission.  I'm assuming if it is in a newspaper then it is because the family wanted it published and it has nothing to do with the hospital, so therefore it doesn't violate any HIPAA laws

I was more thinking how would the newspaper get the info - if the parents are delaying in telling anyone, then I was thinking the hospital would have to be releasing the information. Toots however made a good point about the birth being a matter of public record at the courthouse - which would mean the court was releasing the information.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Harriet Jones on June 13, 2013, 01:35:51 PM
In some places, it's in the newspaper because the birth has been entered as a matter of public record, at the courthouse. Where anybody can go look and see who was born, who died, or who was married that week.

There would probably be a delay in the publication, then ... so if the grandparents were depending on the newspaper announcement, it wouldn't be any faster than the baby's parents calling them after a week.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: JeanFromBNA on June 13, 2013, 02:25:24 PM
I don't think it's rude. However, the parents should be prepared for any eventual fallout from it.

I agree with Winterlight.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Mammavan3 on June 13, 2013, 05:49:05 PM

"I think this is totally a know-your-audience kind of thing. When I had my babies, because they were c-sections, I was in the hospital for about 4 days. I was thrilled to have visitors after the first day, and in fact, my best friend was even there while I was in labor and I was glad to have her as a distraction - at least part of the time."

I totally agree with this!  The same thing happened to me.  Visting hours would come and go and I'd be like, "People come visit!"  But when I got home, the adjustment and the increased getting out of bed for midnight feedings and care  and post surgery issues took a toll and I really did not want visitors. 

However, I explained this to my husband that I preferred to have  visitiors in the hospital rather than coming to our house in the week or 2 after and he completely disagrees with me.

Then tell him he's in charge of providing hospitality for them, which includes entertaining them if you need to tend to baby, nurse him/her, or take a nap.

When DD was born, I had no drugs and felt absolutely fine the next day.  (She was born after visiting hours, so none that night.)  Other than feeding and changing the baby, I had no responsibilities or chores that needed attention.  I had fancy new nightclothes and did my hair and put on make-up each day and waited for the visitors.  Most of whom did not come until I came home.

About two hours after we returned from the hospital, the visitors started arriving and the last left about ten that night.  At some point I sent DH out for Chinese food.  Then we were up most of the night with a baby who did not deal well with the change in scenery.

It was like that for the next month or so.  In addition to taking care of DD, I had laundry to do and housework to take care of because I didn't want to appear to be a bad housekeeper.  No one brought as much as a coffee cake.  For the first week, DH was home and could do a bakery run but then after that I was baking almost daily.  People came at lunch time, and I dipped into the supply of meals I had prepared and frozen to carry us through the first weeks.  Forget doing my hair and putting on make-up; I considered myself ahead of the game if I had a shower in the morning.

But I was young and stupid and felt very fortunate that so many people loved us and wanted to see our new little one. 

I would have much preferred hospital visits that required little to no effort on my part.  However, I do have to say that, even with the almost constant stream of visitors, we had no trouble bonding as a family.


I think that the OP is one of the saddest things I have ever read. 


AFA newspaper announcements go, when DD was born, the hospital sent the list of births to the newspapers; I still have hers in her baby book.  I doubt that many larger hospitals care to spend employees' time to do this today, and since it's not a big profit center, most newspapers here don't print them any longer.  The only ones I've seen do this in the past few years are the little local or free papers that want space-fillers.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: PastryGoddess on June 13, 2013, 06:12:22 PM
I just took a look at the Baltimore Sun and the Washington Post and the only birth announcements listed are ones that were put there by the parents themselves.  The newspaper does not go and get that information.  Parents have to send that information into the paper and it's up to the paper to decide to run it.

So if the OP's friend lives in a major or even medium sized city, I'm guessing that whomever they're trying to prevent from bothering them won't find out from the newspaper.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: cass2591 on June 13, 2013, 06:27:42 PM
Let's leave HIPAA out of it please. None of us know for sure how the info is given to the print media (I suspect it's voluntary but I don't know for sure) so there's no point in speculating, especially since that wasn't the point of the post.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: TootsNYC on June 13, 2013, 07:59:14 PM
I just took a look at the Baltimore Sun and the Washington Post and the only birth announcements listed are ones that were put there by the parents themselves.  The newspaper does not go and get that information.  Parents have to send that information into the paper and it's up to the paper to decide to run it.

So if the OP's friend lives in a major or even medium sized city, I'm guessing that whomever they're trying to prevent from bothering them won't find out from the newspaper.

yeah, city size often makes a huge difference! Big-city papers just don't have room for that, and frankly none of their readers care. In smaller cities or little towns, they care.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Jones on June 13, 2013, 10:19:14 PM
I had to sign a release to get my babys' announcement in the paper. I could select how much identification I wanted printed too.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: LifeOnPluto on June 13, 2013, 10:39:13 PM
I think it's a shame that our society understands the need for a couple to have time alone on a honeymoon, but lacks the same understanding in some instances with regard to newborns and bonding with mum and dad.

I think part of the problem is that society has an overly-optimistic mindset when it comes to other people and babies.  Not many generations ago, having other friends and relatives come over after a birth was almost a necessity, after all.  Baby born at home, the mother still responsible for the household tasks and possibly other children, in a fragile state of health (before modern medicine) after childbirth...I think people nowadays somehow think that it still works like that, that the mother needs or at the very least will welcome assistance from friends and relatives.  But nowadays it isn't usually needed in such an intense way (though exceptions do exist) and some relatives who would come really don't have the best interest of the new mother and child in mind, and either are flat out toxic or even just so self-centered that they hurt more than help.

Interesting points about having relatives come over.

Several of my friends have had babies over the past year or so. Nearly all my friends, whose parents live out of town, had their mothers come to stay after the birth to help them with the new baby. In a couple of cases, the mothers stayed for as long as six weeks. For my friends whose parents lived nearby, their mums visited nearly every single day, again, to help them out.

So it is very unusual, in my circles, for a new mother (and father) to go for an entire week after the birth without having the grandparents (or at least, the maternal grandmother) visit.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Elfmama on June 14, 2013, 04:30:08 PM
Some people will complain no matter WHEN they're told.  DD1 was born about 3am.  DH waited until a civilized hour to call the new grandparents, about 8am, IIRC.    MIL reamed him a new one because he didn't call at 3:05.  ::)
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Mammavan3 on June 14, 2013, 04:44:00 PM
Some people will complain no matter WHEN they're told.  DD1 was born about 3am.  DH waited until a civilized hour to call the new grandparents, about 8am, IIRC.    MIL reamed him a new one because he didn't call at 3:05.  ::)

And I sold have been more than fine with being called the next morning. Waiting all those extra hours before I could see a new grandchild would have been excruciating!
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: TootsNYC on June 14, 2013, 04:51:46 PM
Some people will complain no matter WHEN they're told.  DD1 was born about 3am.  DH waited until a civilized hour to call the new grandparents, about 8am, IIRC.    MIL reamed him a new one because he didn't call at 3:05.  ::)

And I sold have been more than fine with being called the next morning. Waiting all those extra hours before I could see a new grandchild would have been excruciating!

And *I* would have wanted to sleep! My perfect plan is to be told that they're headed for the hospital, and then to be called at a decent hour when the kid does come. And to visit at the hospital much later that day, if the parents are Ok with it.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Janice on June 14, 2013, 05:09:35 PM
I don't see waiting a week as a big deal, if the couple wants to do that. This is one of those situations where YMMV depending on a whole slew of factors, none of which would be the same for any couple.  Things like: Difficult birth? Toxic relatives? Distance? Siblings or childcare needed? Did they even WANT help? It all plays into it.

My MIL was a toxic person with no boundaries whatsoever, and if I had produced kids, she would not have been notified until we were home and ready to receive visitors. So definitely not for at least a couple of days, and I would not have wanted any visitors in hospital. Friends of ours had a baby via a very traumatic C-section, and weren't sure he would survive for a couple of days. Until he was out of danger, the only people notified were their parents. No siblings, not even dear friends. Another couple waited 3 days after a routine birth just so they could get settled. Again, their call. Being hurt strikes me as being a bit SS-ish, but then I'm not a baby person either...I didn't see my latest nephew until he was 6 weeks old due to work travel commitments!

When my first nephew was born, their ILs visited no less than 12 times in 2 days, and stayed for at least an hour each time. It was way, way too much, but being as it was their first child, my S and BIL hadn't figured out that they could say no. Next kid, no visitors allowed until they were home, and everyone was much happier.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: delabela on June 14, 2013, 05:47:29 PM
I would be a bit taken aback if a close family member waited a week, but I would assume they had their reasons. 

Personally, I needed the support of the people closest to me - but for each person that level of comfort and need is different.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Deetee on June 19, 2013, 07:10:19 PM
I totally get the "no visitors" thing even though that is not my preference as a mom. I prefer helpful visitors who tell me how beautiful my little scrunchy faced baby is.

I also want to disagree with people who suggest that the time with the baby should be a bonding time for immediate family. That is an option. It is a preferable option for some people, but I disagree that visitors should assume that is the default. If the parents express that preference of course everyone should stay away, no question there. For me, I WANT my extended family to meet the baby. Yes, she is my daughter, but she is also a granddaughter and a niece and a great niece and a cousin.  More than that, she is her own person and not my property. There are other important relationships aside from parent child. My children are very loved and I actively support the independent relationships they form.

When my sister had her baby, we were all told immediately and then no visitors were requested. There were health issue so we all stayed away and waited for her to call us and say we could come visit. They wanted the baby out of the hospital first.  Everyone completely respected and understood that. But if we hadn't been called, it would have been very hurtful.

Unless the family will run roughshod over your wishes, you should inform.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Addy on June 19, 2013, 08:15:46 PM
I totally get the "no visitors" thing even though that is not my preference as a mom. I prefer helpful visitors who tell me how beautiful my little scrunchy faced baby is.

I also want to disagree with people who suggest that the time with the baby should be a bonding time for immediate family. That is an option. It is a preferable option for some people, but I disagree that visitors should assume that is the default. If the parents express that preference of course everyone should stay away, no question there. For me, I WANT my extended family to meet the baby. Yes, she is my daughter, but she is also a granddaughter and a niece and a great niece and a cousin.  More than that, she is her own person and not my property. There are other important relationships aside from parent child. My children are very loved and I actively support the independent relationships they form.

When my sister had her baby, we were all told immediately and then no visitors were requested. There were health issue so we all stayed away and waited for her to call us and say we could come visit. They wanted the baby out of the hospital first.  Everyone completely respected and understood that. But if we hadn't been called, it would have been very hurtful.

Unless the family will run roughshod over your wishes, you should inform.

And I disagree with your disagreement.  ;)

Of course every family is different and many people will want family surrounding them at this time. But I do think that visitors should assume that the default is time alone with baby and that they should wait to be invited, or at the very least, call first to see if visiting is ok. Then if the new family wants them there, all is well.

But assuming that the default is that everyone is welcome may well lead to an unhappy new mom, dad and baby.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: Deetee on June 19, 2013, 08:39:20 PM
I totally get the "no visitors" thing even though that is not my preference as a mom. I prefer helpful visitors who tell me how beautiful my little scrunchy faced baby is.

I also want to disagree with people who suggest that the time with the baby should be a bonding time for immediate family. That is an option. It is a preferable option for some people, but I disagree that visitors should assume that is the default. If the parents express that preference of course everyone should stay away, no question there. For me, I WANT my extended family to meet the baby. Yes, she is my daughter, but she is also a granddaughter and a niece and a great niece and a cousin.  More than that, she is her own person and not my property. There are other important relationships aside from parent child. My children are very loved and I actively support the independent relationships they form.

When my sister had her baby, we were all told immediately and then no visitors were requested. There were health issue so we all stayed away and waited for her to call us and say we could come visit. They wanted the baby out of the hospital first.  Everyone completely respected and understood that. But if we hadn't been called, it would have been very hurtful.

Unless the family will run roughshod over your wishes, you should inform.

And I disagree with your disagreement.  ;)

Of course every family is different and many people will want family surrounding them at this time. But I do think that visitors should assume that the default is time alone with baby and that they should wait to be invited, or at the very least, call first to see if visiting is ok. Then if the new family wants them there, all is well.

But assuming that the default is that everyone is welcome may well lead to an unhappy new mom, dad and baby.

Nah, we don't really disagree. I totally agree that you should wait/call first. Barging in is totally not cool. What I'm trying get across is I don't think people should wait for a gold plated invite. What I think works nicely (and what most/all people I know do) is express your enthusiasm for the baby and a visit and let the parents set the time. Something like "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you! How is everyone? blah..blah.. We would love to come and see the darling baby. Just let us know when you are ready for visitors."

The reason I don't think you should wait for a spontaneous invite is that some people (like me) recognize that babies are just not for everyone. So unless someone says they WANT to see the baby, I'm not going to invite them. To many people babies are boring or unpleasant or even painful reminders of infertility.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: fountainof on June 20, 2013, 10:39:53 AM
I have a close friend who had some issues after birth and she stayed a couple of days longer.  We (the close friends) were called about the birth but not about the complications.  I was totally fine with that, no one wants to rehash the carp that is going on when you feel poorly (it was the mom with the complications not the baby) you just want to rest and recover.  My best friend was so hurt by this as she wants to know when something serious is happening.  I had to explain it really isn't something she can demand being told and when someone is ill they need the space to focus on themselves not worry about if their friends/family are informed enough. 

Personally, I feel it is stressful and a selfish thing to expect someone ill to overly concern themselves with your need for information.  My BFF means well but she can overstep.  When I had a surgery I told her she couldn't call the hospital and check on me as the ward didn't allow that.  She called anyway so I had my Sister call her just so I didn't have too as I was TIRED.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: alis on June 20, 2013, 03:01:01 PM
I don't plan on having more but I think I would actually do this next time.

My MIL started barking at me because she couldn't find the salad spinner when I had the baby 3 hours prior (yes 3 hours, not 3 weeks or 3 days), and getting annoyed that I didn't want to sit at the dinner table at 6pm (the baby born at 10am).

Depends on the family members I guess. The rest of them were fine but she was worth not telling the world for a week as word gets around quick...
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: LeveeWoman on June 20, 2013, 03:31:39 PM
I don't plan on having more but I think I would actually do this next time.

My MIL started barking at me because she couldn't find the salad spinner when I had the baby 3 hours prior (yes 3 hours, not 3 weeks or 3 days), and getting annoyed that I didn't want to sit at the dinner table at 6pm (the baby born at 10am).

Depends on the family members I guess. The rest of them were fine but she was worth not telling the world for a week as word gets around quick...


I would have kicked her behind to the curb.
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: TeamBhakta on June 20, 2013, 04:36:57 PM
I don't plan on having more but I think I would actually do this next time.

My MIL started barking at me because she couldn't find the salad spinner when I had the baby 3 hours prior (yes 3 hours, not 3 weeks or 3 days), and getting annoyed that I didn't want to sit at the dinner table at 6pm (the baby born at 10am).

Depends on the family members I guess. The rest of them were fine but she was worth not telling the world for a week as word gets around quick...

I would have kicked her behind to the curb.

"The salad spinner ? Oh, it broke & we bought a new one at KMart. It's stilll out in the car. DH forgot to bring it in. Be a dear &  bring it in, MIL. Thanks ! *runs to lock front door*"  >:D
Title: Re: Birth announcement - a week afterward?
Post by: alis on June 20, 2013, 05:09:59 PM
lol good thoughts! 3 hours postbirth I was not in a mindframe for anything clever. I'll write it down and use it again for next time ;)  >:D