Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: Mopsy428 on June 13, 2013, 08:57:11 PM

Title: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Mopsy428 on June 13, 2013, 08:57:11 PM
My parents invited me over for dinner tomorrow night. They're having my brother, my FSIL, one of my sisters, and my FSIL's mother, who is visiting her daughter. I just told her that I will not be attending because I found out that she's serving a seafood casserole with scallops. I'm allergic to scallops. She told me that I can have salad. Unfortunately, the salad has spinach, which I cannot eat (or I "can" eat, but I don't want to spend Friday night with stomach issues.)

Now she's irritated with me, and I don't know why. I told her that I honestly don't understand why she's having all this food that I cannot eat. I am not sitting around a dinner table, staring at food I cannot eat, so I'm just not going to dinner. It's not like she doesn't know I am allergic to scallops. And I've told her multiple times that I do not eat spinach because it does not like me.

Am I way out of line? I do admit that I'm furious that someone would invite me over and serve something that I can't eat.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Roe on June 13, 2013, 09:00:33 PM
The fact that any mother would serve something her child is allergic too, makes me angry on your behalf.

You are not out of line.  I'd say she is the one out of line. 
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: White Lotus on June 13, 2013, 09:06:54 PM
Don't go, citing lack of food you can eat, or offer to bring your own meal, since they are not serving anything you can eat.  I usually end up doing the latter.  Sometimes I do it in the form of something everyone can share, like, oh, Mac and cheese or baked beans or gyoza or something.  Sometimes, I bring my own bento/tiffin box just for me, which sounds like the better deal in your case.  I don't do it without first declining and saying why, and, if pressed, offering to bring my own.
"I'm sorry I won't be able to come.  I'd enjoy the company, but you aren't serving anything I can eat, and I certainly don't expect you to alter your menu."  "Oh, but...."  "Well, I could bring (my own/complimentary dish) if that would be OK with you."  It is usually a very simple conversation, and I very rarely stay home.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Zizi-K on June 13, 2013, 09:29:37 PM
I think your reaction is perfectly reasonable. There's a wide, wide world of food out there to pick from, and I too would find it odd (and quite hurtful) that my own mother would choose to serve exactly the two things I couldn't eat. The situation might be different if it were a more distant relative or a friend not conversant in your allergies. But it's your own mother, for goodness' sake! I wouldn't go either. If you really want to socialize with the other guests, bringing your own food (as someone else mentioned) is a good compromise. But personally, I think I'd be too ticked to show up.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: greencat on June 13, 2013, 09:35:48 PM
My mother tends to get a bit mixed up about food preferences (she gets my likes and dislikes switched with those of my brother) and needs to be clearly and repeatedly told about food allergies/intolerances for several days before a planned visit so she doesn't forget and buy something on the bad list.  However, if I couldn't eat something she was planning as a main dish, she would probably change the plans or offer to make me my own special main dish without the offending ingredient. 
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: LeveeWoman on June 13, 2013, 09:46:43 PM
My parents invited me over for dinner tomorrow night. They're having my brother, my FSIL, one of my sisters, and my FSIL's mother, who is visiting her daughter. I just told her that I will not be attending because I found out that she's serving a seafood casserole with scallops. I'm allergic to scallops. She told me that I can have salad. Unfortunately, the salad has spinach, which I cannot eat (or I "can" eat, but I don't want to spend Friday night with stomach issues.)

Now she's irritated with me, and I don't know why. I told her that I honestly don't understand why she's having all this food that I cannot eat. I am not sitting around a dinner table, staring at food I cannot eat, so I'm just not going to dinner. It's not like she doesn't know I am allergic to scallops. And I've told her multiple times that I do not eat spinach because it does not like me.

Am I way out of line? I do admit that I'm furious that someone would invite me over and serve something that I can't eat.

The only person out of line here is your mother. Shame on her!
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: missmolly on June 13, 2013, 10:22:38 PM
I can't imagine my mother doing this. My bro's vegan and I'm lactose intolerant. There is no way she would serve up a dinner where one or both of us could eat little or nothing. Sometimes she's made special versions of the main dish for us where the recipe includes cheese or milk, but she would never just shrug us off with only salad.

You are not out of line in the slightest.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: doodlemor on June 13, 2013, 10:28:42 PM
Your mother's behavior is shameful, OP, and she is the one out of line.  I'm sorry that you have this to deal with in your life. 

Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: MrsJWine on June 13, 2013, 10:32:03 PM
I think that there are very few people you can expect to keep track of what you're allergic to. Your own mother, though, ought to be one of those people. Is she otherwise malicious? This seems super weird to me if there aren't other things going on.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: delabela on June 13, 2013, 10:33:28 PM
That's just crazy.  You are absolutely not wrong to cancel.  Your mother is being thoughtless and cruel.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: *inviteseller on June 13, 2013, 10:42:49 PM
I am angry on your behalf!  Your mother has no right to be angry that you backed out of a meal because you cannot eat the meal!  She knows you are allergic but chooses to invite you to that meal anyways???  My step mother is good for making carnivore meals for when she invites me over..I do not eat meat!  She knows it as I have not eaten meat  for 26 years and if they decide to order pizza, they order it with pepperoni and tell me to just pick it off  :o :o.  And I feel for you with the spinach...I am like that with cooked onions.  I can eat it, but I am going to pay a heavy price later.  If your mom whines at you, just remind her that when someone invites someone into their home for a meal, it is rude to serve them a food that is a known allergen...then take yourself out to your favorite restaurant and treat yourself. 
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Penguin_ar on June 14, 2013, 07:02:00 AM
You did the right think and were not rude at all.
It would be different if she at least offered you options, such as making two dishes, one you can eat, or, like sometimes happens to me as a vegetarian, offered to make a veggie burger just for me. Or even a microwave meal!  But to expect you to sit there and watch others eat while you nibble the bread is not acceptable.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: bopper on June 14, 2013, 07:15:21 AM
"Mom, you want me to come but you are serving food you know I cannot eat. What's the deal?"
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: lowspark on June 14, 2013, 07:28:21 AM
No. You're not out of line. Even if she forgot, which is pretty creepy since she's your mother, when you said you weren't coming because of your allergy, she should have immediately decided to change the menu.

My son is vegetarian and when he comes over for dinner, I just always make it totally veg. When he comes over for a holiday (when meat is, well, not exactly required, but certainly expected by all the other guests) I make sure there are plenty of vegetarian dishes that he likes in addition to making an extra veggie main dish specifically for him.

I mean, really, he's my son! I can't imagine him coming over to my house for dinner and sitting down at the table and seeing nothing he could eat.

As for the spinach salad, even if you could eat that, how satisfying would it be while everyone else ate the hearty main course?

Two options for her: Completely change the menu or Serve another main dish which you are not allergic to in addition to the scallops. Otherwise, I think you almost have no choice but to decline.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: acicularis on June 14, 2013, 08:02:54 AM
You're not out of line. It's not like you cancelled because a better offer came along.

Weird that she wouldn't remember your food allergy. Weirder still that when reminded she didn't offer to make something different, or something in addition to what she'd planned.

I'm also allergic to scallops, and would have cancelled. Even if I was able to eat other things, the smell of the scallops would likely nauseate me, and I wouldn't put myself through that.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Magnet on June 14, 2013, 08:42:41 AM
With all due respect to the OP, the meal sounds like it was designed around the potential new in law (FSIL's mother).  I don't understand your Mom's anger for you not wanting to sit there and watch people eat food you cannot.  That's the part I find weird.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: MrTango on June 14, 2013, 08:46:29 AM
OP, I don't think you cancelled anything.  Your mother changed the parameters of the invitation, at which point you are free to accept the change or decline the new invitation.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Outdoor Girl on June 14, 2013, 09:33:36 AM
I ask about allergies/intolerances whenever I have people over.  My closest friends I don't have to ask; I remember what they can't/don't eat.  As an example, I have one friend who will eat salad but doesn't eat salad dressing.  So I have a salad that doesn't have to be predressed and serve the dressing on the side.  No big deal.

I can not fathom a MOTHER not accommodating her daughter for a meal and then getting mad at said daughter when she says she won't be coming.

OP, I don't blame you one bit.  If you did decide to go, your mother still won't be happy.  Because when people ask why you aren't eating, you answer truthfully that you are allergic to scallops and spinach doesn't agree with you.  And then this person your mother is trying to impress thinks your mother is an idiot.  Or if you bring your own meal and answer the same way.  You are actually doing your mother a favour because now she can just say that you were busy and couldn't make it instead of showing off her own bacon fed knavery.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: NyaChan on June 14, 2013, 10:58:39 AM
I ask about allergies/intolerances whenever I have people over.  My closest friends I don't have to ask; I remember what they can't/don't eat.  As an example, I have one friend who will eat salad but doesn't eat salad dressing.  So I have a salad that doesn't have to be predressed and serve the dressing on the side.  No big deal.

I can not fathom a MOTHER not accommodating her daughter for a meal and then getting mad at said daughter when she says she won't be coming.

OP, I don't blame you one bit.  If you did decide to go, your mother still won't be happy.  Because when people ask why you aren't eating, you answer truthfully that you are allergic to scallops and spinach doesn't agree with you.  And then this person your mother is trying to impress thinks your mother is an idiot.  Or if you bring your own meal and answer the same way.  You are actually doing your mother a favour because now she can just say that you were busy and couldn't make it instead of showing off her own bacon fed knavery.

This is how I was seeing it - your mother is going to be more embarrassed if you come and have shown to the guests that she didn't make anything you could eat than if you don't show up at all, so really, you are helping her out whether she realizes it or not.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: wheeitsme on June 14, 2013, 11:01:06 AM
My parents invited me over for dinner tomorrow night. They're having my brother, my FSIL, one of my sisters, and my FSIL's mother, who is visiting her daughter. I just told her that I will not be attending because I found out that she's serving a seafood casserole with scallops. I'm allergic to scallops. She told me that I can have salad. Unfortunately, the salad has spinach, which I cannot eat (or I "can" eat, but I don't want to spend Friday night with stomach issues.)

Well, (1) you can not go, or (2)you can go and not eat anything, or (3) you can go and bring your own box dinner.  Not going is, I think, the nicest thing you can do for your mom.  Your other two options are going to have your FSIL wondering what kind of MIL she's committing herself to.  ???
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: LeveeWoman on June 14, 2013, 11:07:20 AM
My parents invited me over for dinner tomorrow night. They're having my brother, my FSIL, one of my sisters, and my FSIL's mother, who is visiting her daughter. I just told her that I will not be attending because I found out that she's serving a seafood casserole with scallops. I'm allergic to scallops. She told me that I can have salad. Unfortunately, the salad has spinach, which I cannot eat (or I "can" eat, but I don't want to spend Friday night with stomach issues.)

Well, (1) you can not go, or (2)you can go and not eat anything, or (3) you can go and bring your own box dinner.  Not going is, I think, the nicest thing you can do for your mom.  Your other two options are going to have your FSIL wondering what kind of MIL she's committing herself to.  ???

Maybe this would be a good thing.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: WillyNilly on June 14, 2013, 11:17:05 AM
My parents invited me over for dinner tomorrow night. They're having my brother, my FSIL, one of my sisters, and my FSIL's mother, who is visiting her daughter. I just told her that I will not be attending because I found out that she's serving a seafood casserole with scallops. I'm allergic to scallops. She told me that I can have salad. Unfortunately, the salad has spinach, which I cannot eat (or I "can" eat, but I don't want to spend Friday night with stomach issues.)

Well, (1) you can not go, or (2)you can go and not eat anything, or (3) you can go and bring your own box dinner.  Not going is, I think, the nicest thing you can do for your mom.  Your other two options are going to have your FSIL wondering what kind of MIL she's committing herself to.  ???

I don't know... if I were one of the other siblings and someone said "oh where's your other sister? i thought she was coming to?" I'd pipe up and say "she probably declined since she's allergic to scallops and that's what's for dinner." Thus blowing up mom's spot. because, even though I'm not at all close to my brother - we speak about 1 hour cumulatively a year - I still remember what he's allergic too!
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: gramma dishes on June 14, 2013, 11:58:18 AM
I wonder if your Mother has checked to be sure the new FSIL (and her mother) actually like scallops.  I'm not allergic to them at all, but I can say with honesty that they are definitely not one of my favorite foods! 

Wouldn't it be fun if either FSIL or FSIL's mother sits down at the table and says "Oh, I'm so sorry.  I really can't eat scallops.  I'm violently allergic to them!"   >:D
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Eeep! on June 14, 2013, 12:37:48 PM
I wonder if your Mother has checked to be sure the new FSIL (and her mother) actually like scallops.  I'm not allergic to them at all, but I can say with honesty that they are definitely not one of my favorite foods! 
Wouldn't it be fun if either FSIL or FSIL's mother sits down at the table and says "Oh, I'm so sorry.  I really can't eat scallops.  I'm violently allergic to them!"   >:D

This is actually kind of a good point. I like scallops but I'm a little iffy of the thought of them in a casserole. Heh.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: TootsNYC on June 14, 2013, 04:07:14 PM
She's not making anything else?

I have this feeling that you're trying to take a stand and send a message, teach a lesson.

If you weren't, I'd suggest you say, "Oh, I'll bring some other food," since it's your mom.

Normally food isn't really supposed to be the whole point--the COMPANY is the point. But to be served something that's harmful to you makes it harder to enjoy the company.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: sweetonsno on June 14, 2013, 04:26:05 PM
I'd be irked, for sure. That said, the object of this dinner is probably less food and more spending time together. (You're meeting a new future in-law?)

I think you are in the clear for declining the dinner invitation, but I wouldn't refuse to come to the get-together completely. Can you come by afterwards for dessert?
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: kherbert05 on June 14, 2013, 04:54:14 PM
I'm having trouble getting my head around a parent not remembering that a food could make their child seriously ill or dead. I run into family friends who haven't seen me for decades and they remember the peanut thing.

Is it that they don't believe in allergies or what? I just don't get it.

Of course declining an invitation for food you can't eat is fine. Your mom pressuring you is what is rude.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Surianne on June 14, 2013, 06:39:07 PM
What a bizarre situation.  Are scallops and spinach the only two things you're allergic to?  If so, that's beyond the pale.  If it's quite a few things you're allergic to, it's more understandable that she might have forgotten the specifics, in which case I could see offering to pack your own food to enjoy the company.  But I also think cancelling was fine.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: gmatoy on June 15, 2013, 12:44:55 AM
Joining the bandwagon to say, not rude for you to decline the invitation. I'm sure that you've read here that "it is an invitation, not a command."

Both of my children have serious, life-threatening allergies(nuts). Have had those allergies all their lives. I have never tried to serve things they can not eat.

I have had an allergy to seafood for almost 30 years. And I recently developed a new life-threatening allergy (to pineapple). I developed my allergies after I no longer lived at home and yet my mother is always so accomodating of my allergies, and those of my children.

So I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around a mother serving only things her child can not eat!
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Venus193 on June 15, 2013, 07:22:42 AM
Your mother is the rude one here for deliberately serving food she knows you can't eat.  What is that really about?
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: IrishGenes on June 15, 2013, 05:02:18 PM
Have you been allergic to these foods all your life and would your mother have cooked differently for you as a child?  I was diagnosed with more than a dozen food allergies and sensitivities last year at age 40.  Since I haven't lived with my parents in the past 18 years, my mother has not cooked for me regularly as she did when I was living with my parents at a young age.  Now she sometimes forgets what I can and cannot eat, simply because she never had to think about it when I was growing up.

Any chance this might be part of the issue now?
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Surianne on June 15, 2013, 05:35:35 PM
Have you been allergic to these foods all your life and would your mother have cooked differently for you as a child?  I was diagnosed with more than a dozen food allergies and sensitivities last year at age 40.  Since I haven't lived with my parents in the past 18 years, my mother has not cooked for me regularly as she did when I was living with my parents at a young age.  Now she sometimes forgets what I can and cannot eat, simply because she never had to think about it when I was growing up.

Any chance this might be part of the issue now?
[/quote

Yeah, that's where I was headed with asking how many allergies she had -- if they're adult allergies, and there are a few of them, it's probably not that easy to remember.  Particularly with the spinach.  It's not a life-threatening allergy so I don't know that it would have been easy to remember that spinach in salad would make the OP's stomach upset. 

Fine to cancel attending dinner, but without more info I'm not sure how awful the mother was here.  Very possible she didn't think of spinach in the salad being a problem.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Asharah on June 15, 2013, 06:26:08 PM
Somewhere there is a story where the poster's husband had a garlic allergy, and her step-monster made steak with chopped garlic on it, garlic bread and vegetables cooked in garlic butter because "Nobody could really be allergic to garlic." Then acted surprised that poster and hubby didn't stay for dinner.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: ZaftigWife on June 15, 2013, 06:35:18 PM
I recently developed a new life-threatening allergy (to pineapple). I developed my allergies after I no longer lived at home and yet my mother is always so accommodating of my allergies, and those of my children.

So I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around a mother serving only things her child can not eat!

I developed my nut allergy about 5 years ago, and even though I've told my mother repeatedly about it, she always forgets.  I know it's not malicious; when she put pecans in every single side dish except the mashed potatoes one Thanksgiving, she felt terrible about it (and made much drama about the situation, but that's for another thread).
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Danika on June 15, 2013, 07:52:53 PM
I've been following this thread but haven't posted because I wasn't sure if my telling my story would add to the thread at all, but then something else happened to me that caused me to think more about this and I wanted to reply.

First, you were not rude to cancel. I think you were wise to do so. You were being put in a position where you were invited to come over and stay hungry while watching other people eat. And when you didn't eat, you'd either look like a jerk for snubbing your mom's food or like a liar for saying you're allergic to things while your mom could say that she didn't know you had those food issues. Even if everyone else knows about your food allergies, you'd still sit there sad and dejected while watching others eat. Or else you'd have to bring your own food and then look like a special snowflake for doing that. And it would be an insult to you, in front of others, that your own mother doesn't care enough to cook something you can eat.

I can relate to this situation. And I agree with the PPs that say that there's more going on here.

I'm my parents' only child. But my mother always claimed not to remember that I am allergic to nuts. Now, my nut allergy has never landed me in the ER. I just have my throat close up and my mouth itches, but I can survive a few bites from food that has nuts in it, and have done so on many occasions when I didn't know there would be nuts. But I don't eat a whole piece of whatever. My mother knows this because my allergy is not new.

I had a strained relationship with my parents and rarely saw them. Then, when I was pregnant, my mother wanted to be grandmother of the year and insisted upon throwing me a baby shower. It was going to be a shower for her friends and family only. After I resisted, and after a lot of convincing on her part, I figured, for her sake, because she was excited, I would accept the offer.

There is more to the story of our poor relationship. Then, when dessert came, she served a carrot cake that she made from scratch. I generally prefer chocolate cake. She announced "I made carrot cake because Danika loves carrot cake." I like it, not love it. But I figured there was no point in correcting her publicly and saying I don't love it... and then it had nuts in it. She baked it from scratch. There was no need for her to add nuts to it.

So I didn't even get to eat a piece of cake at a party that was allegedly for me. And when her friends asked me in a shocked tone why I wasn't having any cake, I replied "I'm allergic to nuts." And they looked at me incredulously and said "why would your mom put nuts in the cake then?" I replied "I don't know."

When I mentioned to my mom for the 1,000,000th time that I'm allergic to nuts, because I've told her at many other events, she said what she always says "I forgot." She has no food allergies. I think she thinks I'm making it up. Although, she has seen me have more severe reactions to other foods to which I am allergic (like Florida Fuerte Avocados). I can't fake swollen lips and a swollen tongue, so it's not just my imagination.

I was never sure why she put nuts in the cake. Maybe she wanted to test to see if I had a bad reaction, to call my bluff because she thinks I made the allergy up. She thinks all allergies are fake, not just mine, all allergies that any humans have. But there's more in our history. She always makes food, whines if I don't put enough on my plate and eat enough, and then calls me fat. So maybe she figured I was getting fat in my pregnancy and was "helping" me by not offering a dessert I could eat. At a party that I only attended to make her happy, by the way, because I didn't want that baby shower.

My mother is emotionally and verbally abusive in other ways. This is a small example. I wasn't going to post all of this here because it's a lot of drama and a tangent.

However, I got an email from an acquaintance yesterday and that put it in perspective for me so I wanted to post that tidbit.

We have a group of neighbors (ETA: same general neighborhood, but not living on the same street) who get together from time to time. I've met this acquaintance twice, never at her house or mine, but just at gatherings around town. I must have mentioned at some point that my doctor had me on a gluten-free diet, but I don't remember saying that. She's having an event at her house next weekend and it's potlock. I emailed her to get her address and she replied that she remembered that I had been on a gluten-free diet and wondered if I still were because she would modify what she planned to make.

This acquaintance, basically a stranger, remembered a diet that I was on for a limited time and was offering to help me! My own mother could not remember a life-long allergy of her only child, and when she did "accidentally" put nuts in something and was corrected by me and her friends, didn't even apologize.

My acquaintance/neighbor is more thoughtful and considerate than your mother and mine. Which explains why my mother has now been cut off completely for the past two years. Obviously, there's more to the story between me and my mother. I suspect there is with you too.

I say, good for you for protecting yourself from her manipulations. You were not rude. And even based on just this incident, I don't think she's very caring. Don't go. Be proud of yourself for protecting yourself and standing up for yourself.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: TootsNYC on June 16, 2013, 05:08:30 PM
Have you been allergic to these foods all your life and would your mother have cooked differently for you as a child?  I was diagnosed with more than a dozen food allergies and sensitivities last year at age 40.  Since I haven't lived with my parents in the past 18 years, my mother has not cooked for me regularly as she did when I was living with my parents at a young age.  Now she sometimes forgets what I can and cannot eat, simply because she never had to think about it when I was growing up.

Any chance this might be part of the issue now?

I'm perfectly willing to buy that. But I can't imagine any mother*--or any hostess--in my acquaintance who wouldn't say, "Oh, right! I forgot! OK, I'll make a small amount of X just for you" or "eek, it's going to be hard to make another dish; can I ask you to bring something?"



In other words, this:


I developed my nut allergy about 5 years ago, and even though I've told my mother repeatedly about it, she always forgets.  I know it's not malicious; when she put pecans in every single side dish except the mashed potatoes one Thanksgiving, she felt terrible about it (and made much drama about the situation, but that's for another thread).

OK, maybe the drama was bad, but at least she felt bad because it was too late to do anything about it.

That's what's weird to me.

(and a reminder to me--I never put pecans in every dish, but I've had meals where I've put pecans in one things, walnuts in another, and almonds in a third. I was cooking for family, and there were no allergies, but I'm going to remember for any larger/stranger gatherings I have, to not put nuts in EVERYthing!)


*I don't know--maybe some mothers would feel some "authority-based" need to insist that their children (even if grown) "behave" by "eating what's put in front of them." Or if there's a lot of drama, they might be exasperated about it--I know that I felt that way in the past w/ my daughter and her almost pathological need to have perfectly plain pasta, and all the fuss that was involved around it. I can think of one instance that I'm not proud of.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Roe on June 16, 2013, 06:13:53 PM
I recently developed a new life-threatening allergy (to pineapple). I developed my allergies after I no longer lived at home and yet my mother is always so accommodating of my allergies, and those of my children.

So I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around a mother serving only things her child can not eat!

I developed my nut allergy about 5 years ago, and even though I've told my mother repeatedly about it, she always forgets.  I know it's not malicious; when she put pecans in every single side dish except the mashed potatoes one Thanksgiving, she felt terrible about it (and made much drama about the situation, but that's for another thread).

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that a person's MOTHER would forget something so important!  And then to add it to *every* dish.  Seems there is more here than a simple "I forgot." 
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: cicero on June 16, 2013, 07:28:28 PM


Am I way out of line? I do admit that I'm furious that someone would invite me over and serve something that I can't eat.
You are not out of line.

I am assuming that there is more background to the story. I can't imagine a mother making a dinner that is centered on two foods you cannot eat, and expect you to come to dinner.

I always ask about allergies and also if people are vegetarians etc. What's the point of inviting someone to a meal that they can't eat.OK there is the socializing party but it's going to be awkward if the OP can't eat a thiing
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: IrishGenes on June 16, 2013, 07:42:29 PM
I recently developed a new life-threatening allergy (to pineapple). I developed my allergies after I no longer lived at home and yet my mother is always so accommodating of my allergies, and those of my children.

So I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around a mother serving only things her child can not eat!

I developed my nut allergy about 5 years ago, and even though I've told my mother repeatedly about it, she always forgets.  I know it's not malicious; when she put pecans in every single side dish except the mashed potatoes one Thanksgiving, she felt terrible about it (and made much drama about the situation, but that's for another thread).

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that a person's MOTHER would forget something so important!  And then to add it to *every* dish.  Seems there is more here than a simple "I forgot."

I agree that it seems odd that nuts were added to *every* dish.  However, just yesterday, my mother picked up take-out for our family and my sandwich had pesto on it (which, until several months ago, I didn't realize pine nuts were an ingredient in pesto).  She didn't remember my nut allergy, and I do know for certain that she would not have done this intentionally.  In some cases like my own family, it really can be a simple mistake.  I'm not saying it is a mistake with the OP, but I would really like to think so.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Roe on June 16, 2013, 07:59:03 PM
I recently developed a new life-threatening allergy (to pineapple). I developed my allergies after I no longer lived at home and yet my mother is always so accommodating of my allergies, and those of my children.

So I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around a mother serving only things her child can not eat!

I developed my nut allergy about 5 years ago, and even though I've told my mother repeatedly about it, she always forgets.  I know it's not malicious; when she put pecans in every single side dish except the mashed potatoes one Thanksgiving, she felt terrible about it (and made much drama about the situation, but that's for another thread).

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that a person's MOTHER would forget something so important!  And then to add it to *every* dish.  Seems there is more here than a simple "I forgot."

I agree that it seems odd that nuts were added to *every* dish.  However, just yesterday, my mother picked up take-out for our family and my sandwich had pesto on it (which, until several months ago, I didn't realize pine nuts were an ingredient in pesto).  She didn't remember my nut allergy, and I do know for certain that she would not have done this intentionally.  In some cases like my own family, it really can be a simple mistake.  I'm not saying it is a mistake with the OP, but I would really like to think so.

A sandwich with pesto, I could see how that might work.  I wouldn't think pesto contained nuts either.   But a quick take out sandwich with pesto is not the same thing as a Thanksgiving meal where one can only eat the mashed potatoes!  Not the same thing at all. 
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: ZaftigWife on June 16, 2013, 11:50:41 PM
I just can't wrap my head around the fact that a person's MOTHER would forget something so important!  And then to add it to *every* dish.  Seems there is more here than a simple "I forgot."

There was sweet potato casserole with pecans, two kinds of stuffing (one with pecans, one with chestnuts and pecans), broccoli casserole with pecans, and pecan pie for dessert.  I am not joking! 

The next time I saw my allergist and he asked about any exposures, I told him about Thanksgiving; he stared at me for several seconds before asking, "Does your mother hate you?"

At least I got to eat turkey and mashed potatoes. :D
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: hannahmollysmom on June 17, 2013, 01:04:30 AM
While my kids and son-in-law are not allergic to anything, there are still several things they do not like. When I have a family gathering, I still try to make dishes that I know at least one of them likes. I serve several dishes to try an accommodate them, as I want them to enjoy coming to dinner. I would never make a meal that I know none of them would eat.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Seraphine1 on June 17, 2013, 02:15:50 AM
Just a note about pesto - I'm allergic to tree nuts, but can still have pine nuts (which are technically seeds, not nuts).  Some brands of pesto are fine for me.

However, if they use cashews as well as pine nuts, I'm toast.  I'm a pretty avid label reader!
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Allyson on June 17, 2013, 02:27:01 AM
As for someone forgetting, I can see that happening. Some people do have genuinely bad memories, and are not being manipulative or evil or uncaring. I think it depends on a few things, like is this person forgetful about everything, or do they just conveniently 'forget' things they don't want to deal with? Also, is it an adult allergy and the person never lived at home while dealing with it? And, is there a big long list of allergies and the parent forgot one?
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: MamaMootz on June 17, 2013, 07:20:49 AM
Somewhere there is a story where the poster's husband had a garlic allergy, and her step-monster made steak with chopped garlic on it, garlic bread and vegetables cooked in garlic butter because "Nobody could really be allergic to garlic." Then acted surprised that poster and hubby didn't stay for dinner.

That was me, Asharah. She to this day does not think she did anything wrong, and thinks that we did it on purpose to drive a wedge between her and my dad. And we both walked out at the time she did it. And I explained to my dad why, but never got an apology. We just don't eat over there anymore.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: cwm on June 17, 2013, 01:25:09 PM
As for someone forgetting, I can see that happening. Some people do have genuinely bad memories, and are not being manipulative or evil or uncaring. I think it depends on a few things, like is this person forgetful about everything, or do they just conveniently 'forget' things they don't want to deal with? Also, is it an adult allergy and the person never lived at home while dealing with it? And, is there a big long list of allergies and the parent forgot one?

This. My sister has had known allergies/reactions for years with pork and mushrooms. I love pork and mushrooms. I'm perfectly respectful to my sister and while I enjoy bacon or ham from time to time (digestive problems for her), our apartment is a mushroom free zone (wheezing/hives/facial swelling/throat closing for her).

My dad is on the board of directors for a large organization. He was the SINGLE person in charge of food choices at one of their fundraiser dinners for a year I couldn't attend. There was bacon in the green beans, mushroom sauce on the vegetarian dish, pork as the main meat, and mushrooms in the salad. The only thing my sister could eat was the bread and dessert. My dad didn't remember that mushrooms caused my sister's throat to close or that pork made her absolutely ill. He also tried to send me some clam chowder one time, which makes me violently ill, it has since the 90s. Not a new reaction. But he just doesn't remember it.

Having said that, OP, you are NOT in the wrong. At the fundraiser dinner, the menu was set long before my sister called my dad out on it, but when she mentioned to him that I was allergic to clams, he sent home another soup for me. If my mom was cooking dinner and sometime before the day of the event was told about someone's food allergies (especially ones she should have known about beforehand, being her own children's allergies) the menu would absolutely change so everyone could enjoy it. Your mom is in the wrong, hands down.
Title: Re: I cancelled dinner plans
Post by: Mikayla on June 18, 2013, 10:39:29 AM
What a bizarre situation. Are scallops and spinach the only two things you're allergic to? If so, that's beyond the pale.  If it's quite a few things you're allergic to, it's more understandable that she might have forgotten the specifics, in which case I could see offering to pack your own food to enjoy the company.  But I also think cancelling was fine.

Mainly posting for update, but I think this is a good point.  There has to be more to this story.   And if there isn't, Mom is a food terrorist.