Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: Softly Spoken on June 24, 2013, 01:26:42 PM

Title: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Softly Spoken on June 24, 2013, 01:26:42 PM
So this happens with my BF, but I am putting it in the general life section because I am sure other eHellions have experienced it with various people in various relationships.

My BF is very literal minded and detail oriented. He has a habit of correcting me on what I consider trivial things when I am talking about something. I find it very annoying that he fixates on little details, especially when they usually have nothing to do with my point. I feel end up feeling like he doesn't understand, isn't listening and/or cares more about being right.
I can't think of an actual example so I will make one up here:
Me: "So I couldn't catch my 2nd bus and I had to walk all the way to the ferry. Good thing it was blue skies and not raining!"
Him: "You know, the sky isn't actually blue that's just the color that comes through the light spectrum."
Me: *mentally taking a deeeep breath.* "Yeah. Um, anyway I'm just glad I made it to the ferry on time."

Or something like:
Me: "So when *important historical event happened* in 1956, it was important because-"
Him: "Actually I'm pretty sure it was 1957."
Me: *wondering why the ehell one lousy year bleepin matters especially since we're discussing historical event!* "...so yeah when it happened in whatever year it happened-"
Him: "I'm positive it was 1957 because *blah blah blah needless justification*"
Me: *done with talking about important historical event and just about done in general*


I had a minor epiphany when I went to visit my BF and met his roommate - they do this to each other quite a lot and it is often in reference to the accuracy of sports or other competitive events:
BF: "Yeah I totally beat your high score in *video game* by like 200 points.
Roommate: "You only beat my score in beginners difficulty and it was 199 points."
BF: "Man, you're a sore loser like *professional sports player.*"
Roommate: "Ha! You mean *other professional sports player*!"
Me: thinking - *well either way he beat you and why the heck does any of this matter??*

So I'm thinking that in my BF's case this is in part a macho one-up habit that he has gotten into by spending so much time competing with the guys he hangs out with? ???

Also, I have to admit that I have corrected BF on the details or facts of a subject on a few occasions. I can't help but notice he doesn't seem to like it. ::)

So the questions I have are
1) When do you correct people and when do you let things go?
2) How do you correct people politely if you do feel the need to correct them?
3) How do you handle it when someone's correcting you is coming across and nitpicking/rude and is really annoying?
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: LeveeWoman on June 24, 2013, 01:30:50 PM
I put a lot of space beween me and people like that.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: WillyNilly on June 24, 2013, 01:34:49 PM
Honestly, considering the examples you gave, I would conclude the person does not know how to carry on a conversation and would simply avoid speaking with them conversationally. I wouldn't give them a cut direct, but I would limit myself to pleasantries ('how are you?" and "you look well") and answering opinion-type questions ("personally I prefer pizza to burgers"), or indisputable facts (I where I work, where I went on vacation, etc).

If someone corrected me constantly I would just start walking away, I certainly would not have the patience to chose to be in a close personal relationship with them; its a rude and unpleasant habit and shows a lack of interpersonal skills IMO.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: Amava on June 24, 2013, 01:35:58 PM
Oh my word, you are dating Sheldon Cooper?  ;D

Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: TurtleDove on June 24, 2013, 01:43:24 PM
Yeah, I would handle this by not being around this person.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: Sheila Take a Bow on June 24, 2013, 01:45:07 PM
So the questions I have are
1) When do you correct people and when do you let things go?
2) How do you correct people politely if you do feel the need to correct them?
3) How do you handle it when someone's correcting you is coming across and nitpicking/rude and is really annoying?

1)  I correct them if it matters.  So mostly, I let things go.  If I'm correcting a misconception that will make someone waste time or money, that matters.  But being a year off for some historical event?

2) When I do feel the need to correct, I usually ask, "Are you sure?  I heard that...." or something like that.  I don't ever try to rub it in someone's face.

3) I end the conversation.  So if I'm trying to tell a story and someone goes on and on about one detail, I just stop.  If prompted to continue my story, I will declare that I've lost my train of thought.  I find trying to have a conversation with someone who is trying to find holes in the story to be very tiresome, and it makes me less likely to want to share information with them.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: ilrag on June 24, 2013, 02:05:25 PM
It sounds like a personality "quirk" that you have to decide if you can live with or it bugs you too much.

I'm an engineer and spend 90% of my day with engineers and that sounds like typical conversations to me.  :)
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: Surianne on June 24, 2013, 02:10:24 PM
It sounds like a personality "quirk" that you have to decide if you can live with or it bugs you too much.

I'm an engineer and spend 90% of my day with engineers and that sounds like typical conversations to me.  :)

I spend a lot of time around nerdy types too (I'm one of them!) and yeah, interrupting to share trivia or correct a small fact is pretty normal (the "why the sky is blue" thing in particular reminds me of a few of my friends). 

I don't think it's something that will be easy to change, since he wouldn't see it as a fault, and neither would many other people in his social circle, so it's really a "live with it or don't" situation.  If you can think of it as his way of participating in the conversation and sharing, that might be helpful -- a way to reframe what bugs you.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: sweetonsno on June 24, 2013, 02:15:14 PM
1. I correct people when I think their error matters. (The mistake means that what they are saying won't make sense, if they are mispronouncing a name, if they're using a word totally wrong, they've flubbed a fact, etc.) I let it go when it's something trivial. In the examples you mentioned, I would let the "blue skies" go because it's an idiom. I would probably correct the year, though, as that sort of thing is often significant.

I don't consider myself particularly literal-minded, but I do find it distracting when people say things that are factually inaccurate on a regular basis. I think details are tricky, because it isn't always immediately obvious whether or not they are significant. In the case of historical events, they can make a huge difference, particularly if you're discussing them within the context of other historical events.

2. I think the "Actually, [correct information]" is fine depending on the tone of voice. I might also say, "Didn't that happen in [correct year]?" or "I think it was [correct info]."

3. I think you handled the situations perfectly well. In the blue skies example, you could have said, "I'm aware of that. It's a figure of speech." If you think your boyfriend would be okay with a bit of sarcasm, "Thanks, Captain Obvious," is pretty effective, too.

For the year, I guess I'd probably just repeat myself using the correct information and move on. "Oh, okay, so blah blah happened in [correct year]. . . " I usually appreciate it when people let me know that I got a date or pronunciation wrong.



Another thing that might help in dealing with your boyfriend is to leave out unnecessary details or state your main point first. You don't need to be heavy-handed and say "The main point of the story that I want to tell you is that I am glad to have made my ferry," but you can say, "I almost didn't make it to the ferry this afternoon. Yeah, I missed my second bus and had to walk. Luckily, the weather was nice. I would have hated to walk all that way in the rain."

I think this is a matter of you two having different communication styles. Your boyfriend sounds like a more efficient communicator: expressing a main point is what is most important, and he tries to make every word count. You may be a more leisurely communicator: while the main point is of course important, the "journey" is more important than the destination. For him, details that don't pertain directly to the main point are distracting. For you, they are enriching or interesting. For him, the details are things that have a direct bearing on the story (so if something is incorrect, it could have a major impact on whether or not the main point makes sense). For you, the details might just be interesting tidbits/asides.

(As an analogy, imagine a dinner plate: you may see the details as the garnishes, but he's thinking of them more as part of the meal itself. Undercooked pepper confetti isn't a huge deal if it's mostly there to make the dish more visually appealing, but if it's part of the sauce, it's not so good.)
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: Lynn2000 on June 24, 2013, 02:20:19 PM
That does sound really annoying. If I think of it more as an outright interruption (which it is, when the correction isn't really necessary), I realize how rude it can be. If it's just a quick interruption like, "I think it was 1957," and the other person is still obviously paying attention and interested, I just chalk it up as "active listening" and try to go on. If the other person goes off on a tangent about the correction, I conclude they weren't really listening/don't care, and I usually don't continue my story/talking to them.

The next time he does it, you could try stopping right there, waiting a beat, and then when he says something like, "You were saying?" you could go on. He may not even realize how often he's doing it, but if you pause each time and he has to ask you to continue the story, it may sink in that interrupting bothers you.

If that's too subtle you could try saying, "Okay, could you please not interrupt me? It makes me lose my train of thought." Maybe move away from the issue of "correction" to one of "interruption," taking away the excuse of, "Well, you were wrong," and arguing over whether the year is really vital information or not for your conversation.

For me, I want my personal conversations to be comfortable, not difficult and full of minefields and debates. I could see this as being something that made me want to stop talking to someone.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: siamesecat2965 on June 24, 2013, 02:33:30 PM

Grrr. That makes me crazy. Especially when it really does.not.matter whether it was 1487 or 1488 that such thing happened. It's almost like they really aren't listenting to what you have to say, but instead are fixating on the piddly details which aren't really relevant to the actual conversation.

The other similar thing that gets my goat is when the person talking feels the need to have to get every detail right “well, you know 2 years ago in March when I went to Europe, or wait, was it April? No March, well, no, actually I think it may have been May” and has to get all the fine points set before continuing on with their conversation. They also tend to be sooo long winded I just want to shout “get to the point already!!!!”
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: Surianne on June 24, 2013, 02:36:47 PM
I usually appreciate it when people let me know that I got a date or pronunciation wrong.

I think your whole post was great, and this point in particular might be another way of seeing it -- I too appreciate it when someone corrects a small fact, because it's something I want to know.  And as you said, it's hard to know what will eventually end up being important.  So I'd see the simple correction as a positive contribution to the conversation, and I bet he does, too.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: CrazyDaffodilLady on June 24, 2013, 02:50:08 PM
One of my teachers used a phrase I love: "Be that as it may, . . . [continues as if never interrupted]."
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: gellchom on June 24, 2013, 03:04:56 PM
I think that as we mature, we do this less.  And that's good.  It's not just rude, it's obnoxious -- hijacking someone else's story to, essentially, show how smart you are.  I have a dear friend who does this all the time, and it's really hard to put up with it.  It's just as bad when it's not even a correction but a sort of "me too" like "Oh, I've been there, too, with my mother, in 2008 ...."

I like the way Lynn2000 put it, which allows for considering circumstances:

Quote
That does sound really annoying. If I think of it more as an outright interruption (which it is, when the correction isn't really necessary), I realize how rude it can be. If it's just a quick interruption like, "I think it was 1957," and the other person is still obviously paying attention and interested, I just chalk it up as "active listening" and try to go on. If the other person goes off on a tangent about the correction, I conclude they weren't really listening/don't care, and I usually don't continue my story/talking to them.

This is your boyfriend, so the "just avoid people like that" advice isn't quite apt.  But you might consider sometime having a talk with him about it.  He may have no idea it's bothering you.  And although I think you'd be doing him a big favor helping him lose this rude habit, don't put it in terms of what he's doing wrong.  Won't be well received, and anyway not your place to train him.  Just talk about the effect on you:

"Cuthbert, I'd like to ask you for a favor.  You know how earlier, when I was talking about how sad I was when my dad died, you corrected me about the temperature that day?  I do appreciate help with accuracy.  But it throws me off when I get interrupted; I forget where I was going and start thinking about the interruption and what it was about.  So unless it's really important to correct the facts at that very moment, would you please do me a favor and hold it off and tell me later when I've finished?  I'd really appreciate it.  Thanks!"

SiameseCat, boy, do I hear you, too!
Quote
The other similar thing that gets my goat is when the person talking feels the need to have to get every detail right “well, you know 2 years ago in March when I went to Europe, or wait, was it April? No March, well, no, actually I think it may have been May” and has to get all the fine points set before continuing on with their conversation. They also tend to be sooo long winded I just want to shout “get to the point already!!!!”

My husband and his mother both do this.  I keep thinking, "Edit yourself!  I don't need to hear every possible remotely connected detail."  I often get so distracted by all the tangents that I misunderstand the point of the story and focus on the wrong thing and have to ask them to start over when I realize the details I should have been attending to. 

This is something I'm working on doing better myself.  As for correcting others, I've almost entirely stopped correcting things like pronunciation or minor factual errors.  It's easy to tell yourself you're doing them a favor, but it's still not a good idea.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: Allyson on June 24, 2013, 03:08:54 PM
I was going to ask, does your BF hang out in nerdy/geeky circles? Some of this is familiar to me, too. It's funny, because I use the 'sky is blue' thing to explain why I find a certain type of literal-minded person frustrating to be around. A small dose of this is ok, but when it gets to the point of not being able to finish a story, it's aggravating. I would address the interruptions, rather than the corrections.

Funny aside, my boyfriend does this to his *own* stories. He will sometimes get so caught up in making sure details are correct (details that nobody would ever know but him) that it can get to the point where I"ll be like 'dude! get to the point already!' He says he is a 'reformed' literal-minded correcter, but I've never seen him do it to anyone but himself, so based on that evidence, I think people can get past it.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: delabela on June 24, 2013, 03:58:00 PM
My SO gets into the details, while I am a big picture person.  I really don't think he's doing it to correct me, but more of a "hey, there's an interesting thing I know about XYZ - I'll say it now" thing.  Sometimes I'm happy to go along with whatever tangent comes up ("oh, was it 1957?  I thought it was 1956 because blah blah blah"), sometimes I just tell him the date doesn't matter, what's really interesting is XYZ. 
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: Thipu1 on June 24, 2013, 04:20:37 PM
It sounds like a personality "quirk" that you have to decide if you can live with or it bugs you too much.

I'm an engineer and spend 90% of my day with engineers and that sounds like typical conversations to me.  :)

True.  It sounds like a typical engineer's conversation.  Mr. Thipu's an engineer and he used to catch me out on bits of trivia that and nothing substantial to do with the story at hand.  He's gotten better over the years but he still does it from time to time and it breaks up the narrTive to an annoying degree. 

ME to table mates.  'This is our 37th cruise'.
HIM. 'Actually, I think it's our 36th'. 

Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: TootsNYC on June 24, 2013, 04:26:35 PM
Quote
I feel end up feeling like he doesn't understand, isn't listening and/or cares more about being right.

I think you should say this to him. He's your boyfriend--he's supposed to care about what you are saying more than he cares about being right. And you're supposed to be able to share your feelings with him. Feelings like this.

Tell him you're hurt. Ask him if he knows why he corrects you. Ask him what you should do or say to get him to drop the tangenital picky correction and get him to focus back on the *meaning*, and also tell him exactly what response you are looking for from him (which is, "yay, my girlfriend didn't get soaked")

I'd have that talk with him. And then every time he does it, say, "you've just made me feel like you don't care about what I am *really* saying, which feels a lot like you not caring about me at all."

My SO does this, and I just say, witha  little bit of heat, "That's not my point. And *I* *am* *talking*." (I have to add the 2nd because he'll take off on the tangent.)
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: CaffeineKatie on June 24, 2013, 04:49:13 PM
I had similar problems with my husband--he is a teacher, so getting facts correct in the course of telling a story is his profession, after all.  However, I pointed out to him (when we were alone) that while people laughed and enjoyed my stories (slightly inaccurate info and all), he was often greeted with silence when he launched into a lecture-style contribution at social gatherings.  The light came on!!!!  He's gotten much better.

 Having said that, some people will never understand why they can clear a room the minute they say, "Now, you'll find this interesting....."
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: Softly Spoken on June 24, 2013, 05:03:53 PM
Thanks for the feedback so far guys.  :)

I just wanted to say a few things for context -
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Ryuugan80 on June 24, 2013, 06:47:37 PM
To be honest, if it was someone I was really close to (like a boyfriend), and i was feeling a little evil that day, I  would be tempted to ':

Put two fingers under their chin to keep their mouth shut, lean in really close and stare them in the eye, without blinking, and continue with what I was saying. Then smile (calmly or warmly, not smugly), lean back and continue the conversation as normal.

Every single time they did it.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Surianne on June 24, 2013, 09:39:11 PM
To be honest, if it was someone I was really close to (like a boyfriend), and i was feeling a little evil that day, I  would be tempted to ':

Put two fingers under their chin to keep their mouth shut, lean in really close and stare them in the eye, without blinking, and continue with what I was saying. Then smile (calmly or warmly, not smugly), lean back and continue the conversation as normal.

Every single time they did it.

I think that would be extremely rude.  I wouldn't be your friend/girlfriend for long if you did this to me. 
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Softly Spoken on June 24, 2013, 09:45:00 PM
To be honest, if it was someone I was really close to (like a boyfriend), and i was feeling a little evil that day, I  would be tempted to ':

Put two fingers under their chin to keep their mouth shut, lean in really close and stare them in the eye, without blinking, and continue with what I was saying. Then smile (calmly or warmly, not smugly), lean back and continue the conversation as normal.

Every single time they did it.

lol I kind of like this!  >:D I think me and CB both have the sense of humor that would go to this sort of thing, if he gave me permission to 'remind' him not to do it if I said it bugged me. Now if only there were an equivalent for when you are on the phone with the person... ;)
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Amava on June 25, 2013, 04:34:51 AM
To be honest, if it was someone I was really close to (like a boyfriend), and i was feeling a little evil that day, I  would be tempted to ':

Put two fingers under their chin to keep their mouth shut, lean in really close and stare them in the eye, without blinking, and continue with what I was saying. Then smile (calmly or warmly, not smugly), lean back and continue the conversation as normal.

Every single time they did it.

I think that would be extremely rude.  I wouldn't be your friend/girlfriend for long if you did this to me.

Yeah I think they'd only have to do something like that to me *once*...
How intimidating!  :o Speak of red flags...
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Collakat on June 25, 2013, 04:51:38 AM
To be honest, if it was someone I was really close to (like a boyfriend), and i was feeling a little evil that day, I  would be tempted to ':

Put two fingers under their chin to keep their mouth shut, lean in really close and stare them in the eye, without blinking, and continue with what I was saying. Then smile (calmly or warmly, not smugly), lean back and continue the conversation as normal.

Every single time they did it.

That may be what Nigella's husband thought he was doing....

With regards to the original post. Because of my job and personality I can also get stuck in accuracy and detail. I rely on my best friend to point out these things for me because I don't realise I do it. It is not always nice hearing it and sometimes I resent her for it, but overall I appreciate it.

So far you are wonderfully understanding, but maybe you could point out to him how it is received at the 'sender' side. Something in line of "I know you are trying to contribute to the conversation, but correcting me on every fact makes me feel that you don't get what I'm actually trying to say"
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: wyliefool on June 25, 2013, 07:57:12 AM
When DH does this to me--not too often, but it happens--I say something like 'the color of the sky is irrelevant to the main idea of my statement.' Everyone learned about finding the main idea in a paragraph in grade school (at least, everyone my age. Who knows what they teach kids these days) so it kind of triggers the 'oh I should pay attention to the big picture and not the irrelevant details' reflex.

Or, I just stop talking and look at him. At which point he starts begging me to finish my story because he's sooooooo interested.  ::)
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on June 25, 2013, 08:12:33 AM
Heehee..."Back up and look at the forest, would you?"
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting?
Post by: KimodoDragon on June 25, 2013, 08:34:14 AM
Oh my word, you are dating Sheldon Cooper?  ;D

Bazinga!
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on June 25, 2013, 08:57:53 AM
Him being a sports nerd fits the situation pretty well.  Sports nerds usually have a head full of statistics, and they are *proud* of them.  (A lot of them could tell you, without thinking, who was the left fielder for the Phillies' 1980 World Series run.)
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Softly Spoken on June 25, 2013, 09:47:16 AM
Him being a sports nerd fits the situation pretty well.  Sports nerds usually have a head full of statistics, and they are *proud* of them.  (A lot of them could tell you, without thinking, who was the left fielder for the Phillies' 1980 World Series run.)

He is downright scary sometimes - I answered his phone call while I was watching a Wrestlemania dvd he loaned me: he could tell from a few seconds of the commentary in the background which match I was watching.  :o ::)

He can rattle off who fought who, where, when and why/for what title at the drop of a hat. It's the "when" that kills me - I know timeline matters to a degree, but I have no head for dates (my least favorite aspect of history classes). On the other hand, I love the who and why - the story part of things. Once he realized he could actually talk to me about wrestling (and not have my eyes start to glaze over) if he cut back on the stats and focused on the drama he got very excited.  ;D
Sometimes having interests in common isn't enough - you have to be able to talk about them in the right way!
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: MizA on June 25, 2013, 09:58:25 AM
I have two ways of dealing with interruptions from my husband. The first is to plainly state "You've interrupted me. I'm not done what I'm saying." Which is blunt, but befitting the rudeness of being spoken over. The second is to gently stroke his cheek and say "Gosh. You're SO pretty". It's our code for shut up now :)
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: bopper on June 25, 2013, 10:51:30 AM
In the Myers Briggs personality types, there is an attribute that is either "Sensing" or "Intuition".
If you are a sensor, you are into details. If you an intuitive, you are into the big picture. Sounds like he may be an extreme sensor and you are more of an intuitive.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Onyx_TKD on June 25, 2013, 12:04:59 PM
I have two ways of dealing with interruptions from my husband. The first is to plainly state "You've interrupted me. I'm not done what I'm saying." Which is blunt, but befitting the rudeness of being spoken over. The second is to gently stroke his cheek and say "Gosh. You're SO pretty". It's our code for shut up now :)

 ;D I don't know why this tickles me as much as it does.  ;D Do you only do this when you're alone, or do you suddenly break out with "Gosh. You're SO pretty" in front of other people in the conversation. I'm just picturing a group conversation taking a sudden turn into the surreal when people see this for the first time, especially if you're discussing some serious and completely unromantic topic at the time.

To me, the OP sounds like a problem of different conversational styles clashing. I have plenty of friends with whom conversations go veering off on long tangents due to a comment on some detail. But it works because both people communicate in the same style. If one of us wants to complete the original train of thought, we either hold the thought and continue after the tangent conversation or pause the tangent with something like "Before I forget, the original point was..." I think establishing some signal or outright telling him when you're trying to make a point and he's interrupting would be good. However, if going off on tangents is his normal conversational style, then I would urge you to sometimes go with it when you're having a casual conversation and not trying to make an important point. It's important for him to respect your conversational style, but that goes both ways.

One thing I'd like to point out about your "blue skies" example (I know you just made it up, but you might want to think if actual instances are like this):
Your statement "Good thing it was blue skies and not raining" sounds like a conclusion to me. It sounds like you've finished your story of your difficult commute and are wrapping it up. So your BF's comment doesn't strike me an interruption. To me, it sounds like a way to continue the conversation based on a cool tidbit that your story brought to mind. "Speaking of [the phrase] 'blue skies,' did you know that they actually only look blue because..." So you might want to think about how you would have expected the conversation to go. Did you actually have more to tell him about your commute, which he cut off? Did you want him to comment or commiserate before moving on with the conversation? Would a tangent on "why the sky looks blue" be OK if he hadn't phrased it as a correction ("the sky isn't actually blue...")? If you only tell your BF what you don't want him to do, he may still not know what you do want.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: gellchom on June 25, 2013, 12:33:17 PM
Even if she had been finished, it still would have sounded obnoxious and pedantic to me.  The blueness of the sky wasn't the point of the story at all, so making that the focus of the first comment in response, while no longer an interruption, still signals, "What you were telling me isn't interesting and didn't even register with me; when you said "blue sky," you reminded me of something I know that you don't, so I'm going to change the subject to that." 

Slightly better would be something like, "You're right, that was lucky.  I"m glad it worked out okay.  Incidentally, you mentioned 'blue skies' -- every time I hear that, it reminds me of something interesting I once learned ...."  It doesn't interrupt, it doesn't display that you weren't paying attention to the story, and it doesn't correct the other person on what is an irrelevant detail anyway.

Do that enough, and people start calling you "Cliff Clavin," after the trivia-spouting mailman on the 80s sitcom Cheers.  Don't ask me how I know.   :)

But that's not so bad, because it doesn't take the form of correcting the other person on an inconsequential matter, and in so doing, derailing their whole story.

Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: spookycatlady on June 25, 2013, 02:29:03 PM
I know your pain.  My husband, the Dude goes down the rabbit hole with twin needs of being obsessed with minutiae and being right.  I now cut him off after the first correction, "That isn't a relevant fact to the story.  Please let me finish." And then I follow up further interuptions with my Aunt Mamie face.  It's curtailed somewhat.

To commiserate: I once sent a friend a short play called, "Why I Want to Live on the Moon."

It was a one act jobbie, vaguely going something like this:

Me: Do you remember the time I drove the van when the Artful Dodger was visiting last year?
Dude: It was the car.
Me: I remember it being the van.  Anyway. So, when I...
Dude: No, it was definitely the car.
Me: Okay.  It was the car. I was going...
Dude: Seriously, it was the car.
Me: Alright.  The car.  What I was trying to say...
Artful Dodger: I remember it being the car.  Definitely in the car.
Me: Yes. The car.  When I...
Dude: When you drove the car?  Because it was the car, not the van.
Me: You know, at this point, I don't care if it was a purple dinosaur named Lucky.  At no point in time was the car portion of this story relevant...
Dude: Honey, I'm just trying to point out that it was the car that time.

And then I built a rocketship and moved to the moon.  With my purple dinosaur, named Lucky. 

In the van.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: jaxsue on June 26, 2013, 06:27:06 PM
Listening to my FIL and my late MIL tell stories was excruciating because of this. He would say this event happened on a Wednesday, she'd interrupt to say that, no, it happened on a Tuesday. And it didn't happen at 5 o'clock, it happened at 3 o'clock. Short stories went on forever.  :P
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: I'mnotinsane on June 26, 2013, 07:44:59 PM
Him being a sports nerd fits the situation pretty well.  Sports nerds usually have a head full of statistics, and they are *proud* of them.  (A lot of them could tell you, without thinking, who was the left fielder for the Phillies' 1980 World Series run.)

Luzinski? 

This is so Sheldonesque not only because of the corrections but because the OP's BF picked something that is so commonly accepted.  Ok, 'Blue Skies' may not be scientific or correct but it is a common expression.  Everyone knows what you mean.  Pedantic much?
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on June 26, 2013, 10:33:07 PM
I'll go one step further.  EVERYTHING is the color it is because of the wavelength of light that we see.  It's the definition of color!
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on June 26, 2013, 10:33:50 PM
Him being a sports nerd fits the situation pretty well.  Sports nerds usually have a head full of statistics, and they are *proud* of them.  (A lot of them could tell you, without thinking, who was the left fielder for the Phillies' 1980 World Series run.)

He is downright scary sometimes - I answered his phone call while I was watching a Wrestlemania dvd he loaned me: he could tell from a few seconds of the commentary in the background which match I was watching.  :o ::)

He can rattle off who fought who, where, when and why/for what title at the drop of a hat. It's the "when" that kills me - I know timeline matters to a degree, but I have no head for dates (my least favorite aspect of history classes). On the other hand, I love the who and why - the story part of things. Once he realized he could actually talk to me about wrestling (and not have my eyes start to glaze over) if he cut back on the stats and focused on the drama he got very excited.  ;D
Sometimes having interests in common isn't enough - you have to be able to talk about them in the right way!

I can relate so well!  I remember being a kid and going to the beach with my aunt and uncle.  I'd be sitting in the back between my two cousins who would be volleying sports stats back and forth.  Who played for the Mets in this year, who got traded that year, the batting averages for any player for any year.  Now I enjoy sports and at the time really enjoyed baseball but had no head for dates at all.   

I loved history, but did so poorly on tests because I had a hard time remembering when battles were fought and the exact start and end dates of wars were.  General time frame, yes, but not exact dates.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Gyburc on June 27, 2013, 06:23:28 AM
I know your pain.  My husband, the Dude goes down the rabbit hole with twin needs of being obsessed with minutiae and being right.  I now cut him off after the first correction, "That isn't a relevant fact to the story.  Please let me finish." And then I follow up further interuptions with my Aunt Mamie face.  It's curtailed somewhat.

To commiserate: I once sent a friend a short play called, "Why I Want to Live on the Moon."

It was a one act jobbie, vaguely going something like this:

Me: Do you remember the time I drove the van when the Artful Dodger was visiting last year?
Dude: It was the car.
Me: I remember it being the van.  Anyway. So, when I...
Dude: No, it was definitely the car.
Me: Okay.  It was the car. I was going...
Dude: Seriously, it was the car.
Me: Alright.  The car.  What I was trying to say...
Artful Dodger: I remember it being the car.  Definitely in the car.
Me: Yes. The car.  When I...
Dude: When you drove the car?  Because it was the car, not the van.
Me: You know, at this point, I don't care if it was a purple dinosaur named Lucky.  At no point in time was the car portion of this story relevant...
Dude: Honey, I'm just trying to point out that it was the car that time.

And then I built a rocketship and moved to the moon.  With my purple dinosaur, named Lucky. 

In the van.

That was just priceless!  ;D

DH and I both have this tendency, but we try to squash it. We have an acquaintance, Tony, however, who is absolutely fixated on details, especially details about 1970s and 1980s TV shows and sci-fi movies.

Tony and his girlfriend very kindly gave me a lift to an event we were all going to a couple of months ago. As we were driving along, I happened to mention a bit of trivia concerning the TV series 'The Prisoner', specifically concerning the introduction to each episode. (For those of you who don't know it, each episode began with a spoken exchange between some of the characters.) The trivia I mentioned was that a band I am fond of had sampled this spoken introduction at the beginning of one of their songs, and had had to ask one of the actors personally for permission to use it.

'Ah,' says Tony, 'but which version of the introduction was it? Was it the original which featured Actor X?'
Tony's girlfriend chimed in 'It could have been the version used in episodes 28 to 37 where Actor X wasn't available and they used Actor Y instead.'
'Yes,' says Tony, 'or it could have been the version only used in the very last few episodes where they unexpectedly replaced Actor X with Actor Z instead.'
This went on for another five minutes.

All this over three lines of dialogue. And the lines weren't even spoken by the actor I had mentioned...

 
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: BarensMom on June 27, 2013, 09:11:14 AM
"The Prisoner" by Iron Maiden from "Number of the Beast."
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: cabbageweevil on June 27, 2013, 10:00:04 AM
DH and I both have this tendency, but we try to squash it. We have an acquaintance, Tony, however, who is absolutely fixated on details, especially details about 1970s and 1980s TV shows and sci-fi movies.

Tony and his girlfriend very kindly gave me a lift to an event we were all going to a couple of months ago. As we were driving along, I happened to mention a bit of trivia concerning the TV series 'The Prisoner', specifically concerning the introduction to each episode. (For those of you who don't know it, each episode began with a spoken exchange between some of the characters.) The trivia I mentioned was that a band I am fond of had sampled this spoken introduction at the beginning of one of their songs, and had had to ask one of the actors personally for permission to use it.

'Ah,' says Tony, 'but which version of the introduction was it? Was it the original which featured Actor X?'
Tony's girlfriend chimed in 'It could have been the version used in episodes 28 to 37 where Actor X wasn't available and they used Actor Y instead.'
'Yes,' says Tony, 'or it could have been the version only used in the very last few episodes where they unexpectedly replaced Actor X with Actor Z instead.'
This went on for another five minutes.

All this over three lines of dialogue. And the lines weren't even spoken by the actor I had mentioned...

It strikes me that Tony and his girlfriend are both extremely lucky to have found an SO on their -- shall we say, highly-specialised -- wavelength; whose sustained company they can, therefore, stand !
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: MrTango on June 27, 2013, 11:52:18 AM
If someone corrects me when I'm telling a story in a social situation, my response depends on whether the corrected information is relevant to the story.

If it's relevent, I'll acknowledge the correction (if I was incorrect to begin with) or (if the "correction" is not actually correct) I'll usually respond with "Actually it was [correct info]" and if they persist, respond with something along the lines of "Who's telling the story?" (and wait for either an answer of an uncomfortable silence to build around the "corrector" before continuing with the story).

If it's a detail that isn't really relevent, then I ignore the correction (and the fact that someone interrupted me) and continue the story.  If the "corrector" persists, I usually say "Fine, you tell the story" and go find something else to do or someone else to talk with.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: weeblewobble on June 27, 2013, 08:08:14 PM
Honestly, this would be a deal-breaker for me.  This demonstrates a level of contempt and insecurity I could not tolerate from a romantic partner.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: AuntieA on June 27, 2013, 09:42:50 PM
I REMEMBER IT WELL
From "Gigi" (1958)
(Lyrics : Alan Jay Lerner / Frederick Loewe)


Honore (Maurice Chevalier) & Mamita (Hermione Gingold)

H: We met at nine
M: We met at eight
H: I was on time
M: No, you were late
H: Ah, yes, I remember it well
We dined with friends
M: We dined alone
H: A tenor sang
M: A baritone
H: Ah, yes, I remember it well
That dazzling April moon!
M: There was none that night
And the month was June
H: That's right. That's right.




Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Gyburc on June 28, 2013, 05:17:18 AM
"The Prisoner" by Iron Maiden from "Number of the Beast."

That's the one! Up the Irons!

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)  ;D
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Gyburc on June 28, 2013, 05:19:33 AM
DH and I both have this tendency, but we try to squash it. We have an acquaintance, Tony, however, who is absolutely fixated on details, especially details about 1970s and 1980s TV shows and sci-fi movies.

Tony and his girlfriend very kindly gave me a lift to an event we were all going to a couple of months ago. As we were driving along, I happened to mention a bit of trivia concerning the TV series 'The Prisoner', specifically concerning the introduction to each episode. (For those of you who don't know it, each episode began with a spoken exchange between some of the characters.) The trivia I mentioned was that a band I am fond of had sampled this spoken introduction at the beginning of one of their songs, and had had to ask one of the actors personally for permission to use it.

'Ah,' says Tony, 'but which version of the introduction was it? Was it the original which featured Actor X?'
Tony's girlfriend chimed in 'It could have been the version used in episodes 28 to 37 where Actor X wasn't available and they used Actor Y instead.'
'Yes,' says Tony, 'or it could have been the version only used in the very last few episodes where they unexpectedly replaced Actor X with Actor Z instead.'
This went on for another five minutes.

All this over three lines of dialogue. And the lines weren't even spoken by the actor I had mentioned...

It strikes me that Tony and his girlfriend are both extremely lucky to have found an SO on their -- shall we say, highly-specialised -- wavelength; whose sustained company they can, therefore, stand !

Tony's girlfriend wasn't originally like this, but over the years has developed these tendencies.... (I nearly wrote 'he has rubbed off on her', then realised how dodgy that looked!)
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Miss Unleaded on June 28, 2013, 06:49:34 AM
Honestly, this would be a deal-breaker for me.  This demonstrates a level of contempt and insecurity I could not tolerate from a romantic partner.

Agreed.  Intolerable is the word I'd use as well.  Interrupting your partner is bad enough.  To correct them on a point that isn't relevant to the discussion is rude and really shows lack of care or interest.  Personally, I'd avoid even being friends with someone like this.

To answer your specific questions:

1) When do you correct people and when do you let things go?

As a general rule, I think you may correct someone when:
- it pertains to the point of whatever they're discussing, instead of being an offhand comment or tangential to the subject,
- you are 100% certain you're correct,
- they've finished talking.

2) How do you correct people politely if you do feel the need to correct them?

I tend to say something like 'Are you sure that's correct?  I thought it was X, Y, Z?' and be prepared to support my correction with citations or logic if at all possible.  I don't often correct people though.

3) How do you handle it when someone's correcting you is coming across and nitpicking/rude and is really annoying?

I don't think it's E-hell approved but I would go with one of the following:

- stop talking and walk away.
- tell them bluntly to quit interrupting and arguing over unimportant details.
- raised eyebrow and complete silence.
- 'That's very interesting but not relevant to what I was saying'.

Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: peach2play on June 28, 2013, 08:29:12 AM
A good friend of mine does this, and for him, it's part of a larger problem of being selfish and not taking other people's needs into account.  His getting caught up in the details keeps him from having to deal with the big picture...picking out splinters when there is a huge beam on his leg as it were.  He's working on it and when he does this to me, I simply say, "That's not germane to the story." and continue.  If he keeps it up, I have permission to snap at him and tell him to knock it off.  He really is trying to improve and change but that's because he's really not liking who he is and wants to be a better person.

I say all that to say this, he seems like a really great guy and a good catch for a lot of women...until you get to know him and realize that the correcting and the need to always be right is part of a much larger, deeper problem.  To me, unless he is willing to work on it and get better, it would be a huge red flag.  Interrupting and the need to always be right is very rude and condescending.  It is a power play and I refuse to play those games.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: MommyPenguin on June 28, 2013, 08:46:55 AM
I'm not sure if this is quite the same thing, but my husband sometimes does this thing where he drives me crazy.  He can't *stand* it when you tell a story backwards or don't immediately identify something, even if it's to improve the story.  Trying to think of an example.  I can't get away with anything like,
"So, I was about to head out to the car when I heard this sound in the bushes!  So I hurried the kids to the car so that I could come back and--" 
Him: "What was it?" 
Me: "I'm getting there!  So I came back to try to figure out what the sound was, but it wasn't there anymore.  So I went inside to--" 
Him: "Did you figure it out?  What was it?"

I know I have a tendency to sometimes fail to identify characters ("they," etc.), but it's frustrating because my natural dialogue style is to sometimes create suspense by letting certain details be revealed gradually, or by giving a lead-in to the story, and these apparently just frustrate him as he wants to know the who what when where why and how immediately.  Maybe it's a writer vs. engineer thing?
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: BarensMom on June 28, 2013, 11:22:38 AM
"The Prisoner" by Iron Maiden from "Number of the Beast."

That's the one! Up the Irons!

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)  ;D

I just received my issue of the IMFC magazine with tributes to Clive Burr and Sam Gadd. :'(
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: gellchom on June 28, 2013, 04:40:24 PM
I'm not sure if this is quite the same thing, but my husband sometimes does this thing where he drives me crazy.  He can't *stand* it when you tell a story backwards or don't immediately identify something, even if it's to improve the story.  Trying to think of an example.  I can't get away with anything like,
"So, I was about to head out to the car when I heard this sound in the bushes!  So I hurried the kids to the car so that I could come back and--" 
Him: "What was it?" 
Me: "I'm getting there!  So I came back to try to figure out what the sound was, but it wasn't there anymore.  So I went inside to--" 
Him: "Did you figure it out?  What was it?"

I know I have a tendency to sometimes fail to identify characters ("they," etc.), but it's frustrating because my natural dialogue style is to sometimes create suspense by letting certain details be revealed gradually, or by giving a lead-in to the story, and these apparently just frustrate him as he wants to know the who what when where why and how immediately.  Maybe it's a writer vs. engineer thing?

Oh, wow, this (the bolded) sounds like my husband and me.  We drive each other nuts!  He uses so many pronouns without making it remotely clear who the referent is and gets annoyed when I ask, "Wait, 'he' who?"  I feel like I'm trying to listen carefully and understand.  He wishes I would just wait and see if it becomes clear. 

I get your point about trying to build suspense.  But sometimes when he does that, especially if he throws in all kinds of irrelevant details and tangents before he gets to the point, I realize I have focused on the wrong things and get confused and have to ask him to start over now that I understand where this is going.  I  think that he should learn to edit his stories a bit better and not "bury his lead."  But I am also sure that I should just learn that it's not always important that I understand 100% and just let him tell his story his way.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Mental Magpie on June 28, 2013, 05:23:09 PM
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: jedikaiti on June 28, 2013, 05:29:38 PM
I'm not sure if this is quite the same thing, but my husband sometimes does this thing where he drives me crazy.  He can't *stand* it when you tell a story backwards or don't immediately identify something, even if it's to improve the story.  Trying to think of an example.  I can't get away with anything like,
"So, I was about to head out to the car when I heard this sound in the bushes!  So I hurried the kids to the car so that I could come back and--" 
Him: "What was it?" 
Me: "I'm getting there!  So I came back to try to figure out what the sound was, but it wasn't there anymore.  So I went inside to--" 
Him: "Did you figure it out?  What was it?"

I know I have a tendency to sometimes fail to identify characters ("they," etc.), but it's frustrating because my natural dialogue style is to sometimes create suspense by letting certain details be revealed gradually, or by giving a lead-in to the story, and these apparently just frustrate him as he wants to know the who what when where why and how immediately.  Maybe it's a writer vs. engineer thing?

That is really annoying! I hope he's not like that during movies!
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: MommyPenguin on June 28, 2013, 05:39:38 PM
He actually did it when I was reading a book to the kids the other day and he was listening... somebody spoke, and you were meant to be startled by the line of dialogue and wonder who said it.  *Then* the character appears.  He'd been distracted by the toddler, though, so when he asked, "Who said that?" it was partly because he just didn't know whether he'd missed a line or something.  Otherwise I thought it was pretty funny... seriously?  It's a book.  They write things that way!
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Lynn2000 on July 02, 2013, 09:48:44 AM
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

This would totally be my mom--the one who said the wrong (but pretty close, and fairly unimportant) word. When I was younger I was a terribly bratty know-it-all and would have corrected her, but now I try to only question her if I actually don't know what she means, and if not knowing makes a difference. And then I try to do it in a straight-forward manner, like, "Was that teaPOT or teaKETTLE?" very matter-of-fact, just so we're both on the same page about what to look for. People say the wrong word all the time; it irks me when someone tries to turn a minor mistake into some kind of moral judgment.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Blondie on July 02, 2013, 10:32:57 AM
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

This would totally be my mom--the one who said the wrong (but pretty close, and fairly unimportant) word. When I was younger I was a terribly bratty know-it-all and would have corrected her, but now I try to only question her if I actually don't know what she means, and if not knowing makes a difference. And then I try to do it in a straight-forward manner, like, "Was that teaPOT or teaKETTLE?" very matter-of-fact, just so we're both on the same page about what to look for. People say the wrong word all the time; it irks me when someone tries to turn a minor mistake into some kind of moral judgment.

O/T- Feel free to judge my morals- in my world teapot and teakettle are interchangeable and people avoid teakettle for sounding a bit twee... whats the difference?
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: MommyPenguin on July 02, 2013, 10:36:48 AM
I *think* a teakettle is what you use to boil the tea in, but a teapot can't be heated up (might be ceramic) and is just what you put the tea in after it's made, to serve it.  We generally just used the word "teapot" to mean both, though, when I was a kid.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: WillyNilly on July 02, 2013, 10:41:58 AM
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

This would totally be my mom--the one who said the wrong (but pretty close, and fairly unimportant) word. When I was younger I was a terribly bratty know-it-all and would have corrected her, but now I try to only question her if I actually don't know what she means, and if not knowing makes a difference. And then I try to do it in a straight-forward manner, like, "Was that teaPOT or teaKETTLE?" very matter-of-fact, just so we're both on the same page about what to look for. People say the wrong word all the time; it irks me when someone tries to turn a minor mistake into some kind of moral judgment.

O/T- Feel free to judge my morals- in my world teapot and teakettle are interchangeable and people avoid teakettle for sounding a bit twee... whats the difference?

Its not about morals at all, its about vocabulary. A kettle is what you boil the water in and the teapot is what you make tea in and serve from.

That said, they are probably sold near each other at Walmart, so finding one would mean finding the other and the specifics are moot.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Blondie on July 02, 2013, 10:47:44 AM
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

This would totally be my mom--the one who said the wrong (but pretty close, and fairly unimportant) word. When I was younger I was a terribly bratty know-it-all and would have corrected her, but now I try to only question her if I actually don't know what she means, and if not knowing makes a difference. And then I try to do it in a straight-forward manner, like, "Was that teaPOT or teaKETTLE?" very matter-of-fact, just so we're both on the same page about what to look for. People say the wrong word all the time; it irks me when someone tries to turn a minor mistake into some kind of moral judgment.

O/T- Feel free to judge my morals- in my world teapot and teakettle are interchangeable and people avoid teakettle for sounding a bit twee... whats the difference?

Its not about morals at all, its about vocabulary. A kettle is what you boil the water in and the teapot is what you make tea in and serve from.

That said, they are probably sold near each other at Walmart, so finding one would mean finding the other and the specifics are moot.

Thanks :) I had always heard teapot used for both and thought kettle was just an old fashioned way of phrasing the same thing. Learn something new every day.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Mental Magpie on July 02, 2013, 10:51:19 AM
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

This would totally be my mom--the one who said the wrong (but pretty close, and fairly unimportant) word. When I was younger I was a terribly bratty know-it-all and would have corrected her, but now I try to only question her if I actually don't know what she means, and if not knowing makes a difference. And then I try to do it in a straight-forward manner, like, "Was that teaPOT or teaKETTLE?" very matter-of-fact, just so we're both on the same page about what to look for. People say the wrong word all the time; it irks me when someone tries to turn a minor mistake into some kind of moral judgment.

I was you, too, and now that I'm older I see just how annoying that is.  I try to only ask if I actually don't know and it may make a difference.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on July 02, 2013, 03:23:07 PM
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

This would totally be my mom--the one who said the wrong (but pretty close, and fairly unimportant) word. When I was younger I was a terribly bratty know-it-all and would have corrected her, but now I try to only question her if I actually don't know what she means, and if not knowing makes a difference. And then I try to do it in a straight-forward manner, like, "Was that teaPOT or teaKETTLE?" very matter-of-fact, just so we're both on the same page about what to look for. People say the wrong word all the time; it irks me when someone tries to turn a minor mistake into some kind of moral judgment.

O/T- Feel free to judge my morals- in my world teapot and teakettle are interchangeable and people avoid teakettle for sounding a bit twee... whats the difference?

Its not about morals at all, its about vocabulary. A kettle is what you boil the water in and the teapot is what you make tea in and serve from.

That said, they are probably sold near each other at Walmart, so finding one would mean finding the other and the specifics are moot.

Well, "I'm A Little Teapot" makes no sense now.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Onyx_TKD on July 02, 2013, 03:37:14 PM
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

This would totally be my mom--the one who said the wrong (but pretty close, and fairly unimportant) word. When I was younger I was a terribly bratty know-it-all and would have corrected her, but now I try to only question her if I actually don't know what she means, and if not knowing makes a difference. And then I try to do it in a straight-forward manner, like, "Was that teaPOT or teaKETTLE?" very matter-of-fact, just so we're both on the same page about what to look for. People say the wrong word all the time; it irks me when someone tries to turn a minor mistake into some kind of moral judgment.

O/T- Feel free to judge my morals- in my world teapot and teakettle are interchangeable and people avoid teakettle for sounding a bit twee... whats the difference?

Its not about morals at all, its about vocabulary. A kettle is what you boil the water in and the teapot is what you make tea in and serve from.

That said, they are probably sold near each other at Walmart, so finding one would mean finding the other and the specifics are moot.

Well, "I'm A Little Teapot" makes no sense now.

*blink**blink* You're right. It's teakettles that squeal to tell you the water's boiling. OTOH, while teakettles do have handles and spouts, the ones I've used have had short stubby little spouts, not the sort long, curved teapot spout that one imitates with the arm for that song.

"I'm a little teakettle/teapot chimera,
Short and stout..."
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: TootsNYC on July 02, 2013, 03:40:31 PM

Well, "I'm A Little Teapot" makes no sense now.

Which just goes to show you that the language is not locked down, and that getting picky about it when it's not a matter of anyone truly misunderstanding is really very impolite.

Asking for clarification (a la Lynne2000) is perfectly fine.

Acting as though you're the only one who knows what words mean, and correcting people, is not.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Two Ravens on July 02, 2013, 04:09:32 PM
I always wonder about correcting someone's pronunciation. I mean, sure, I understand what they mean, but on the other hand, they are going to sound uneducated if they pronounce words wrong to other people. And surely its better to be corrected by a friend then by a boss or stranger, right?
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: azleaneo on July 02, 2013, 04:44:58 PM
I always wonder about correcting someone's pronunciation. I mean, sure, I understand what they mean, but on the other hand, they are going to sound uneducated if they pronounce words wrong to other people. And surely its better to be corrected by a friend then by a boss or stranger, right?

I tell my boyfriend, who has a more robust vocab than I do, to please correct me when I pronounce something wrong. There are quite a few words that I've only ever read, and not heard. However there's a good way and a bad way to do so. We got in an argument about pronouncing "octagonal" and I said it was oct-a-gon-al and he said it was oc-TAG-on-al and he asked our waitress which one was correct when she came back with our drinks. Definitely not the most polite way. (He was right though)
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Lynn2000 on July 02, 2013, 04:58:53 PM
I just had this conversation in Wal-Mart with the Eagle but two days ago (or was it three?  >:D).

I said teapot instead of teakettle in talking about something for which I wanted to go look.  He corrected me.  I asked him if it really mattered and he asked me if I would rather walk around being wrong.

I told him he knew exactly what I meant and did it really matter?  He replied that he would rather be corrected than walk around being wrong.  I actually agreed with him but added a strong caveat of, "Except for when it isn't important.  You knew what I meant, I knew what I meant, and it wasn't like I asked you to go look for one.  I was just talking about where I wanted to head next (the housewares section).  It's annoying when you do that and actually a little rude.  It really ticks off some people because you're obsessing over unimportant stuff and are completely ignoring the point.  Do you really want to upset people over such a stupid little detail?"  He didn't say anything about it after that.  We'll see if anything changes.

This would totally be my mom--the one who said the wrong (but pretty close, and fairly unimportant) word. When I was younger I was a terribly bratty know-it-all and would have corrected her, but now I try to only question her if I actually don't know what she means, and if not knowing makes a difference. And then I try to do it in a straight-forward manner, like, "Was that teaPOT or teaKETTLE?" very matter-of-fact, just so we're both on the same page about what to look for. People say the wrong word all the time; it irks me when someone tries to turn a minor mistake into some kind of moral judgment.

O/T- Feel free to judge my morals- in my world teapot and teakettle are interchangeable and people avoid teakettle for sounding a bit twee... whats the difference?

Its not about morals at all, its about vocabulary. A kettle is what you boil the water in and the teapot is what you make tea in and serve from.

That said, they are probably sold near each other at Walmart, so finding one would mean finding the other and the specifics are moot.

Probably "moral judgment" wasn't the right phrase... Don't judge me! :D I mean, kind of like TootsNYC said, there's a way to correct/clarify someone in a polite way, and there's a way to do it in a rude, snotty way. Like, does it make a difference (either practically, or in the speaker's mind) that the speaker said something wrong, or is the corrector just trying to show that they're smarter than everyone else? I think the latter is definitely rude when it comes across, while the former can be helpful.

Also, even when it doesn't make a practical difference, some people do want to be corrected when they're wrong (as several people have said on this thread). I think it's best to wait for someone to explicitly say they want to be corrected, or otherwise discuss it, before jumping in to correct things that don't seem to matter. Or at least, if they ask you to stop... stop.

Word pronunciations can be tricky. I work with a lot of people whose first language isn't English; I feel like I've become a lot more relaxed about "proper" pronunciation because of it. Oct-a-GON-al vs. oc-TAG-on-al wouldn't even register with me now, because I would know what word they were trying to say, and that's the priority to me now. Probably the most complex one I've come across was, believe it or not, "herbal tea." My co-worker had to write that one down before I understand what he meant. I can't even describe how he was pronouncing it originally; but it was "wrong" in the sense that he wasn't communicating his meaning to me, so we had to discuss it and get the pronunciation closer to something I, and other English speakers, could understand.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: TootsNYC on July 02, 2013, 05:10:25 PM
I always wonder about correcting someone's pronunciation. I mean, sure, I understand what they mean, but on the other hand, they are going to sound uneducated if they pronounce words wrong to other people. And surely its better to be corrected by a friend then by a boss or stranger, right?

Oh, sure, I think so--but a friend should correct in an unobtrusive way that doesn't retail the whole conversation or make you feel stupid.

I do it sometimes; I just quietly say it correctly and keep listening intently. And if the moment gets past, then I either let it go, or bring it up quietly later--"Oh, remember when you were telling that story? You used the word 'ignominious' but you pronounced it differently/wrong. I thought you'd want to know."

Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: Mental Magpie on July 02, 2013, 06:10:38 PM
I am absolutely OK if I use the word incorrectly or pronounce it incorrectly (I call it read-only text: words I've only ever read and have never actually heard) and am corrected.  It's when I obviously know the difference (and I say obviously because the Eagle knows darn well I know the difference) and he could easily see I used the wrong word accidentally, not out of ignorance.  Being corrected then is annoying and somewhat rude.
Title: Re: "Um, not my point" - how to react to rude correcting? (Sm. U.D. #19)
Post by: mbbored on July 04, 2013, 12:30:25 PM
I always wonder about correcting someone's pronunciation. I mean, sure, I understand what they mean, but on the other hand, they are going to sound uneducated if they pronounce words wrong to other people. And surely its better to be corrected by a friend then by a boss or stranger, right?

Oh, sure, I think so--but a friend should correct in an unobtrusive way that doesn't retail the whole conversation or make you feel stupid.

I do it sometimes; I just quietly say it correctly and keep listening intently. And if the moment gets past, then I either let it go, or bring it up quietly later--"Oh, remember when you were telling that story? You used the word 'ignominious' but you pronounced it differently/wrong. I thought you'd want to know."

Because I'm often guilty of mispronouncing words, I wait until the other person has finished what they're saying, respond and then add "By the way, you pronounced that word 'kin-oh-ah.' I always thought it was 'keen-wah.'" Thanks to the age of the smartphone, we usually take the opportunity to look it up online.