Etiquette Hell

A Civil World. Off-topic discussions on a variety of topics. Guests, register for forum membership to see all the boards. => Time For a Coffee Break! => Topic started by: *inviteseller on July 13, 2013, 01:57:53 PM

Title: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 13, 2013, 01:57:53 PM
My DD turned 18 in June.  She promptly moved out with her girlfriend into another friends place.  I cannot stand girlfriend, to say the least, and my DD is making tons of mistakes with this move, but there is not a lot I can do about it.  She called me last night whining she is sick (she has bad asthma, didn't take an inhaler when she left, and is over an hour away).  I told her to go to the local ER (she has her insurance card with her at least) or to call me in the am to give me a pharmacy number and I would call the DR to have an inhaler called in for her.  She has done neither and is now whining that I am not doing anything to help her (btw, I don't drive) and she is sick and I just don't care.  I finally said "you made this bed, you have to lie in it.  You chose to leave and go somewhere you don't know anyone or anything, and now that you are 18 you are responsible for taking care of these decisions."  I feel bad, but yet..

Has anyone else had to just chop those strings to preserve their sanity and teach a tough love situation?
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Just Lori on July 13, 2013, 02:11:43 PM
We are moving in that direction.  When my 13-year-old broke her Ipod by not taking care of it, she had to make the appointment at the Apple Store, and she had to tell the tech what happened.  (This actually worked in her favor, as the tech took pity on her and traded out the Ipod with a refurbished one.)

This same child is now old enough to get a driver's learning permit, but she doesn't have one.  We told her that driving is an adult responsibility, and it would be her responsibility to do the research and set up the appointment.  As soon as she does, we will be happy to take her to the BMV. 

The scenario you describe seems fair.  You're willing to help out if she makes the call first.  I'm not sure what she expects, if you don't drive.  What does she want you to do?
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: lkdrymom on July 13, 2013, 02:17:12 PM
I think you did exactly the right thing. Your daughter wants the perks of being an adult while still leaving some of the responcibilities to 'mom'.

My 18 year old son tried something similar. He was to go away to college but didn't want to live on campus so we told him the money that would go towards room/board he could use for an apartment and whatever wasn't covered was up to him. Well them he decided he wasn't ready to go off to college and decided on a community college near us.....but still wanted the room and board money to get his own apartment.  I had to explain to him the whole point of community college was to SAVE money, not to get an unnecessary apartment so he could play adult on someone elses dime.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 13, 2013, 02:24:04 PM
She wants me to fix everything for her..she doesn't care how..just that I am to do it.  Her idea was for me to go to the post office today and overnight her inhaler to her..when I informed her I wasn't spending $24 to do that when all she had to do was call the dr or give me a pharmacy # and I would call the dr, well, that meant work for her and it wasn't acceptable. 


Ikdrymom..bwaaahahahahaha..that is funny!  They don't quite think things out at that age, do they?
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Outdoor Girl on July 13, 2013, 02:48:43 PM
I think you are doing the right thing.  You are willing to help her, on your own terms.  The rest is up to her.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Harriet Jones on July 13, 2013, 02:51:22 PM
I think you're fine, OP. She needs to learn that moving out and "being a grownup" means that mommy doesn't come rescue you for every little thing.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: NyaChan on July 13, 2013, 03:13:19 PM
Definitely not a bad mom! 

You didn't hang up on her, you didn't say "Oh you're sick? Tough luck sucker!"  You gave her viable solutions to the problem she had.  She refused because it wasn't the solution she wanted.  That's on her, not you.  I can understand wanting to be indulged or babied just a bit, especially when you are in those in between years where you're maturity levels haven't quite caught up to the level of freedom & responsibility your age brings, but there is a limit. 
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: siamesecat2965 on July 13, 2013, 04:26:41 PM
Definitely not a bad mom! 

You didn't hang up on her, you didn't say "Oh you're sick? Tough luck sucker!"  You gave her viable solutions to the problem she had.  She refused because it wasn't the solution she wanted.  That's on her, not you.  I can understand wanting to be indulged or babied just a bit, especially when you are in those in between years where you're maturity levels haven't quite caught up to the level of freedom & responsibility your age brings, but there is a limit.

You did fine. You offered a couple of suggestions/solutions, but she has chosen not to do any of them. So you're off the hook. If she doesn't want to make any effort, that's her problem. And someday, she will thank you for this.

Slightly OT, but I know plenty of adults who will whine and carry on about this and that, yet when there are solutions, they won't or can't take or use them. Drives me up a wall and I sometimes have to walk away because I am very independent, and am always looking for better ways to do things, so this "oh, I caaaaaan't do that, its not possible" gets on my last nerve
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: jpcher on July 13, 2013, 04:47:49 PM
My DD turned 18 in June.  She promptly moved out with her girlfriend into another friends place.  I cannot stand girlfriend, to say the least, and my DD is making tons of mistakes with this move, but there is not a lot I can do about it.  She called me last night whining she is sick (she has bad asthma, didn't take an inhaler when she left, and is over an hour away).  I told her to go to the local ER (she has her insurance card with her at least) or to call me in the am to give me a pharmacy number and I would call the DR to have an inhaler called in for her.  She has done neither and is now whining that I am not doing anything to help her (btw, I don't drive) and she is sick and I just don't care.  I finally said "you made this bed, you have to lie in it.  You chose to leave and go somewhere you don't know anyone or anything, and now that you are 18 you are responsible for taking care of these decisions."  I feel bad, but yet..

Has anyone else had to just chop those strings to preserve their sanity and teach a tough love situation?



Honestly? I think that you are doing the best thing in the world for your DD.

She wants to be a responsible adult. You gave her options on how to solve this problem on her own. Instead of taking the horse by the head, she chose to guilt-trip you.

I've never really had a tough-love situation with my DDs, but I've stood my ground when need be. Like this morning, DD#2 (19 yrs. old) asked me to go to a dental appointment with her. I said "So, WooHoo! I get to sit in a waiting room for an hour while you get your teeth cleaned? Why, exactly, do you need me there?" She said "I don't need you there, I just want you there." (I didn't go with her.)



Yes. Cutting the apron strings is tough. The choice between is this a dire situation where I(mom) really need to step in? Or is this something that you (DD) can/should handle on your own might be a fine line.

OP -- in your scenario, I think that you did the right thing.

Please don't let your DD guilt-trip you into thinking that you're a bad mom.

You are a great mom.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Judah on July 13, 2013, 07:12:50 PM
I think high school is the weaning period. We gradually backed off and let (in one case, made) the kids become more and more independent. But I learned that independence is very much a personality issue. I have one child that was completely ready for independence by the time he graduated from high school and one that needs a lot more pushing. I'm confident she'll be ready in a couple of more years, but she's not there yet.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Dazi on July 13, 2013, 08:27:16 PM
Depending on the child, I'd say anywhere from 17-21.  If they moved out on their own, then they should be able to do for themselves or learn to figure things out.  I'm not saying they cannot ask for help, but more, by that age, they shouldn't expect their parents to drop everything to dig them out of whatever.

I was pretty self sufficient by13 or 14.  I set my own appointments and mostly got myself to them and had no problem getting any of my Rxs filled (doctor, dentist, orthodontist, hair salon, mall, grocery store).  I shopped on my own for clothes, shoes, school supplies, and occasionally popped into the grocery store.   I did my own laundry most of the time and regularly cooked dinner. By the time I moved from home at 19/20,I relied on no one but myself.

My mother never manage to cut my brother's apron strings.  Even at 16/17 he wouldn't go somewhere without a family member, not even the mall.  Which is why she has her grown bacon-fed knave adult son still living at home.

I have trouble wrapping my head around how we grew up in the same environment.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 13, 2013, 09:15:14 PM
My 2 are like that Dazi..the 7 yr old does for herself and is an independent thinker like I am, but the older one?  Good grief that girl can't do anything for herself..which is why I knew her moving out was such a huge mistake but she can't be told anything so it is time for her to sink or swim.  And yes, when she realizes she is in waaaay over her head, the door is open for her.  I know I don't sound encouraging to her, but without giving a huge story, she has absolutely no business being out there on her own.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Dazi on July 13, 2013, 09:21:41 PM
My 2 are like that Dazi..the 7 yr old does for herself and is an independent thinker like I am, but the older one?  Good grief that girl can't do anything for herself..which is why I knew her moving out was such a huge mistake but she can't be told anything so it is time for her to sink or swim.  And yes, when she realizes she is in waaaay over her head, the door is open for her.  I know I don't sound encouraging to her, but without giving a huge story, she has absolutely no business being out there on her own.

If she is anything like my brother, I totally get it.  He's moved out before, but I don't think he's ever managed past the six month mark before he came crying home to momma about how HARD it was and how MEAN everyone is. 
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: sevenday on July 13, 2013, 09:33:03 PM
Definitely string-cutting time. You gave her a number of options, she wouldn't take them.  Your response that it's now up to her to take care of these things is spot on.  Hard awakening for her, but it's one she needs to make.  I always cringe when I see parents overextending themselves in order to care for the "wants" of their children.  One set of aunt/uncle lives next to my parents (literally sharing the same front yard) and some years back they allowed their alcoholic son (my cousin) to move in.  He hasn't left since, and basically just drinks all the time.  They pay for his cigarettes and alcohol and let him live there rent free.  At least, thank GOD, they do not let him drive their car.  He used to work for my dad part time but his work ethic was always a sore spot and when Dad had to retire and the business was dissolved, he had nothing after that, still doesn't.  My aunt/uncle want to move to a veteran's home sort of thing, but they won't because of their son (who couldn't go with them and under agreement with Dad, can't stay at the house they are living in, which technically belongs to Mom and Dad).  If they tried to kick him out now he'd sink because he was never taught to swim. 

Doing this now for somethign that is relatively minor (ok, health is not that minor, but still, she's breathing, she's OK, can fix it herself easily enough) is better than letting it get that bad.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: CakeEater on July 14, 2013, 04:31:01 AM
I know quite well that I would have struggled to move out of home when I left highschool at age 17 and a bit.

My 4 years at university when I lived at home were the best thing that I could have done, and a great thing that my parents did for me, so I could get that bit older and more experienced before dealing with all of that.

Also, by the time I was 21, I was very ready to leave a house of 4 adults, rather than one that had been 2 adults and 2 kids, so I had the motivation to get it all together.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Shalamar on July 15, 2013, 11:27:21 AM
My 18-year-old daughter really wants to move out, but she's at least realistic enough to realize that she doesn't have enough money to make it happen just yet.  She's currently between jobs, plus she's going to be starting university in the fall, so she's prepared to wait until she's ready.  Her friend/potential room mate, however?  Not so much.  He keeps saying "We should go shopping today and buy (really frivolous item, like a cake pop maker) for our new place!", and my daughter keeps saying "You mean, the place that we don't have yet because we can't afford it?  And don't you think it would make more sense to buy POTS and PANS before getting a cake pop maker?"
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: NyaChan on July 15, 2013, 11:36:25 AM
My 18-year-old daughter really wants to move out, but she's at least realistic enough to realize that she doesn't have enough money to make it happen just yet.  She's currently between jobs, plus she's going to be starting university in the fall, so she's prepared to wait until she's ready.  Her friend/potential room mate, however?  Not so much.  He keeps saying "We should go shopping today and buy (really frivolous item, like a cake pop maker) for our new place!", and my daughter keeps saying "You mean, the place that we don't have yet because we can't afford it?  And don't you think it would make more sense to buy POTS and PANS before getting a cake pop maker?"

Yikes, I think that's a good hint to your DD that her potential roommate may not be the best person to rely on.  Kudos to her for resisting the cake pop maker though :D
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: cwm on July 15, 2013, 11:44:27 AM
Inviteseller, you're not a bad mom. You're doing exactly what you need to. My parents had to have a similar talk with me.

My dad's insurance changed while I was in college and I was restricted to one of two small local pharmacies, none of the chains would honor it so far away from my hometown. I didn't want to have to do anything different and basically stopped taking my medicines for a bit. That was a Bad Idea, but it wasn't until I was in a very dark place sobbing for five hours straight that I realized that nobody else really was going to take care of me. I found a pharmacy the next day and was much better within a week.

Part of that was my anxiety, sure, and going off the antidepressants (which were also anti-anxiety) didn't help any, but it gave me just enough of a kick in the butt.

Stand firm. You've given your DD good options. She doesn't get to dictate to you what to do. If she chooses not to take the options given, she has made her own decision.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: magicdomino on July 15, 2013, 12:02:44 PM
*invitemom, stick to your guns.  If your daughter is grown-up enough to live on her own, then she needs to act like a grown-up, not play at it.  Would it be too much to suggest that if (when  :) ) she moves back home and she isn't going to school full time, that she pay some rent?  If you don't need the money, you can quietly stuff it in a savings account and give it to her later when she matures a little more.

At 18, I wasn't capable of taking care of myself due to severe shyness issues, but I was also smart enough to know it. 
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Dindrane on July 15, 2013, 12:28:45 PM
When I was in high school, my mom changed jobs. Since her work number was the primary "something is wrong with Dindrane" daytime contact at my school, somebody needed to update their records with her new phone number. I threw a little snit fit about my mom making me do it, because after all, I was not the one who had changed jobs and necessitated this bit of paperwork. I think I just refused to have it updated, but my mom also didn't have the school change it, and it went unnoticed because the school never had to call my parents during the day.

So, clearly, even when I was 15 or 16, and even when the thing I had to do was because of no action I had taken, my parents adopted the (entirely reasonable) attitude that I was perfectly capable of dealing with my school's administration, and it was therefore my job to do it.

Since I went to college in the same city that my parents live in (although I lived in the dorms rather than at home), they continued to insist that I be the one to deal with my school, even though they theoretically could have done some of the logistical things themselves. Even when it came to paying tuition (which they were paying for), I still had to be the one to actually deliver the payment. I didn't always like that they forced me to take care of things myself, but honestly, the only reason I ever had for not wanting to do it is that I am shy and it was hard and annoying.

It took until I for real moved away (about 2,000 miles away...) after college before it occurred to me that some things are annoying and hard no matter who does them, and it was never fair of me to expect my parents to do those types of things on my behalf once I was capable of taking care of them myself. I didn't learn that lesson for real until they were truly too far away to do more than give me advice, but it was a much easier lesson to learn because they'd been pushing me in that direction for so long.

So in other words, I think the only way to truly teach that concept to a child who does not understand it intuitively is to deliver some tough love, exactly like what you are doing. Not everyone will understand it intuitively, and that alone does not doom them for life, but those who can't figure it out on their own have to be taught.

I can also say that I completely sympathize with being in a situation where you are sick and there is nobody there to take care of you. It sucks. The first time I was sick in college, I had the biggest pity party you could possibly imagine. Even though my parents were in the same city, they didn't actually do anything for me (it was just a cold, and there wasn't really anything they could do). They did provide me with a lot of sympathy over the phone, and listened to me complain a little bit about how I had to take care of myself when I was feeling crummy. And then they told me to get some rest, get some orange juice from the dining hall, and go to the health center on campus for some medicine. They also advised me to maybe stock up on at least the medicine when I was feeling better so that I would have it on hand the next time I felt crummy.

So I think that providing sympathy for a situation that sucks (because it's no fun to be sick no matter the circumstances), providing advice on how to deal with it, and suggesting how to avoid at least some of the problem in the future is the best way to respond to this type of thing. If your daughter isn't interested in listening to any of that, then there's really nothing more you can say or do, and further discussion would be rather pointless. She won't want to hear you say that (I never wanted, and still don't want, to hear it when my mom says the exact same thing to me), but it makes you a very good mother if that's how you handle it.

Even now, I still feel the compulsion to state for the record that life is unfair, when I have to do something unpleasant. My mom is the most frequent recipient of that statement, but we've come to a tacit agreement that she will listen to me say it once, and I will stop whining once she has. And then I will take care of it (or not, and face the consequences).
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 15, 2013, 12:43:57 PM
I thought my dad was just the worlds biggest meanie growing up because <gasp> I had to do things for myself!  I am so grateful because when I moved out at barely 19 with a room mate, I was able to make the transition with just a few minor bumps while my room mate was clueless.  I have always tried to teach her self sufficiency, but she does have some mental health issues and her anxiety causes her a lot of issues.  That is the reason I attempted to tell her that she was not ready to move out..but nooooo, I am an idiot, she is a big bad adult and she can handle it on her own!  ::) 

She did finally go to the ER last night and she has bronchitis, but she doesn't have the co pay money for the meds ($5) and she cried to me about that.  I was nice enough to tell her to go to the pharmacy and have them call me and I would pay that over the phone..haven't heard from anyone yet.  She was offered a job at McDonalds, but she is now complaining that she has to buy black shoes, show that she actually resides at the address she is staying at (her ID lists my address and they won't accept that) and she has to dye her hair back to a normal color. You see, my non thinker decided for her 18th birthday she was going to dye her (natural and beautiful blonde)hair smurf blue!  Yes, everyone, I did wait till I got off the phone with her before I broke into gales of laughter over that one!  The "I told you so's" are just coming fast and furious.   And I am now contemplating canceling her cell phone because the agreement was I would pay for it as long as she was in school and she quit her GED classes (and she had maybe 2 weeks left!)
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: EllenS on July 15, 2013, 01:04:33 PM
A parent is supposed to do for their child what they are not able to do for themselves, and train them in the skills they need to become an independent adult. This starts from dressing themselves as toddlers, to doing their own laundry, paying bills and making "business" phone calls when they are more grown up.

You offered to provide for your child's medical needs when she did not have the money.  Everything else is stuff she is able to do for herself, and should.

I think if you are going to cancel the cellphone contract, you should give her notice ahead of time.  Doing it without saying anything comes off a little PA. 
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: cwm on July 15, 2013, 01:37:31 PM
A parent is supposed to do for their child what they are not able to do for themselves, and train them in the skills they need to become an independent adult. This starts from dressing themselves as toddlers, to doing their own laundry, paying bills and making "business" phone calls when they are more grown up.

You offered to provide for your child's medical needs when she did not have the money.  Everything else is stuff she is able to do for herself, and should.

I think if you are going to cancel the cellphone contract, you should give her notice ahead of time.  Doing it without saying anything comes off a little PA.

I agree so much with this. You're letting her make her own decisions and live with the consequences of them, but make sure you let her know ahead of time. How scary would it be to be broke, sick, and then all of a sudden have no working phone for anything?
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Shalamar on July 15, 2013, 02:00:47 PM
Quote
Yikes, I think that's a good hint to your DD that her potential roommate may not be the best person to rely on.

Oh, believe me, you're preachin' to the choir with that one.  :)  My husband and I don't like this boy because he's flakey and doesn't treat our daughter well*, and we're reeeeally hoping that their plans to share a place together don't happen.  We know better than to say "WE FORBID YOU TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT BOY", however.

* To be clear, there's no romance there, nor any chance of romance - he plays for a different team.  He's a lousy friend, is all.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: EllenS on July 15, 2013, 02:35:08 PM
So I think that providing sympathy for a situation that sucks (because it's no fun to be sick no matter the circumstances), providing advice on how to deal with it, and suggesting how to avoid at least some of the problem in the future is the best way to respond to this type of thing.

I think this is a great point.  Adults who no longer live under their parents' roof, or are subject to their authority, have a "mentoring" relationship with their parents, rather than a "dependent" relationship.  She has asserted that this is what she wants, and you gave her the benefit of some good advice.

I would not be too hard on her, though.  This is a huge change in roles and relationship, it is not easy for anybody, it is emotional, and this is a lot of "firsts" for her. It's kind of like being a mom with your first newborn baby - you may have some idea of what needs to happen, but you've just never done it before.  There's a learning curve.  Hope it works out well for both of you.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Harriet Jones on July 15, 2013, 02:44:04 PM
A parent is supposed to do for their child what they are not able to do for themselves, and train them in the skills they need to become an independent adult. This starts from dressing themselves as toddlers, to doing their own laundry, paying bills and making "business" phone calls when they are more grown up.

You offered to provide for your child's medical needs when she did not have the money.  Everything else is stuff she is able to do for herself, and should.

I think if you are going to cancel the cellphone contract, you should give her notice ahead of time.  Doing it without saying anything comes off a little PA.

I agree so much with this. You're letting her make her own decisions and live with the consequences of them, but make sure you let her know ahead of time. How scary would it be to be broke, sick, and then all of a sudden have no working phone for anything?

ITA -- if you cancel her phone, let her know first. Also, would you be cutting off your only means of contact with her?
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: MOM21SON on July 15, 2013, 03:44:48 PM
She was notified that her phone would be cut off.  She quit school.  The deal was it would be paid for as long as she was in school.

Given the OP's update. I would certainly cut the springs, now.  It's the only way she will learn.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 15, 2013, 04:21:35 PM
She has been warned about the phone..I wouldn't just cut it.  She was told the rule when she quit school to go follow along with her friend, who is another master of making choices before thinking them through. And actually, I can cut it without telling her..phone service is in my name, I bought the phone, and she broke our contract.  She wants to be an adult, part of that is realizing she can't just bebop around anywhere and expect me to still take care of her.   As far as keeping in touch with me, seems to be I only get a call or text when she needs something  >:(.  I have adopted a very neutral tone when she starts whining and when she is done with whatever rant I just say "And what do you think you should do?". 
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Harriet Jones on July 15, 2013, 04:29:22 PM
I'm not saying that you shouldn't cancel the phone - just warn her first.  If it's been a while since you mentioned the no school == no phone deal, I don't think it would hurt to actually tell her that phone will be cut off on X date.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: MOM21SON on July 15, 2013, 04:32:54 PM
She has been warned about the phone..I wouldn't just cut it.  She was told the rule when she quit school to go follow along with her friend, who is another master of making choices before thinking them through. And actually, I can cut it without telling her..phone service is in my name, I bought the phone, and she broke our contract.  She wants to be an adult, part of that is realizing she can't just bebop around anywhere and expect me to still take care of her.   As far as keeping in touch with me, seems to be I only get a call or text when she needs something  >:(.  I have adopted a very neutral tone when she starts whining and when she is done with whatever rant I just say "And what do you think you should do?".

From my experience, you should follow through with the agreement.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 15, 2013, 05:08:45 PM
Harriet..when she started packing her bag and saying she was leaving she wouldn't tell me where she would be, just that she decided she needed to move out and 'get on with her life'.  I asked her if she was going back to finish her GED and she said she didn't know, I then found out she had withdrawn from classes, so I told her no school=no phone and she would lose it July 25 and she said she didn't care.  Yes, I do have a way to get in touch with her, but she is 18, decided she wanted to life her life so truthfully, it is her responsibility to keep in touch with me, not the other way around.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: EllenS on July 15, 2013, 05:11:14 PM
Not as a point of etiquette but general principle in relationships, it might be a good idea not to make any big decisions or gestures while you are still upset.

It sounds like a very hurtful situation and I hope things work out well between you in the long run.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Outdoor Girl on July 15, 2013, 05:22:14 PM
If she has already been given a cut-off date of July 25th, I wouldn't bother to talk to her about it and I would just cut it off next week.  I don't think she believes you'll do it and I think it is important for her to find out that yes, you will.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 15, 2013, 05:33:06 PM
I am not hurt or angry...I knew she was going to do this because it is all she has talked about since December.  I am actually amused.  The phone deal was in place since she had the phone at 15.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: jpcher on July 15, 2013, 06:14:27 PM
I would not be too hard on her, though.  This is a huge change in roles and relationship, it is not easy for anybody, it is emotional, and this is a lot of "firsts" for her. It's kind of like being a mom with your first newborn baby - you may have some idea of what needs to happen, but you've just never done it before.  There's a learning curve.  Hope it works out well for both of you.

Bold above: I'm taking that to be DD being the new mom with a first newborn -- she has a lot to learn about things she never did before.

Although it can also be taken that OP also has a lot to learn, which is true. OP, you've never cut the apron strings before so all of a sudden, life is quite different.

Yes, there is a huge learning curve for both of you.


I have adopted a very neutral tone when she starts whining and when she is done with whatever rant I just say "And what do you think you should do?". 

Personally, I like what you're doing. I think you should keep a strong attitude and, yes, I do think you should cancel the cell phone.

I also think you could show a gentle side* . . . remind your DD things like "Hey, if you really need me, I'll be there for you." and "Kiddo, you know I love you. You're going through a tough time. Guess what? Being an adult is tough!"

Tell her about some of your mistakes so that she doesn't see you as super-mom that automatically knows everything.

At the end of her rants, try to build her confidence "I know you can do it! You've done this that and the otherthing. You're already making progress!"

Even compliment her hair! Tell her that you never would have had the guts to do that when you were 18. (Yeah, okay, try not to giggle.)

Invite her out to dinner and/or a movie or shopping. You know, a girls get-together. Ask her about life in general . . . not what she needs, but what are her dreams? Tell her that when you were 18 you always dreamed about going skydiving (or whatever) . . .

She want's to be an adult. Respect her as one.



If, when you're out to lunch/dinner/whatever, she starts ranting on "you're so mean! You took my phone away!" Simply hold up your hand and say "I don't allow my friends to treat me that way." Then bean-dip and continue on with a friendly conversation.


*I'm just throwing out thoughts and ideas. I'm not a counselor nor do I watch a lot of TV, but sometimes being a parent means cutting the apron strings and allowing the child to learn to be themselves . . . even though you grit your teeth, sometimes you just have to let them know that you are proud of them.

Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 15, 2013, 06:30:06 PM
She knows the door is open.  I made that clear, but she also knows while I am willing to support her, she has to be in school and follow basic house rules.  Her therapist called me the other day because DD wouldn't take her calls and she told me to just keep making her take responsibility for her actions.  I wish she would go out with me to dinner, but she wouldn't even come back for her grandfather's birthday last week..and due to his health, we know it will be his last.   I haven't yet said to her "I told you so" but my inner voice screeches it, repeatedly ;D ;D. 

Her latest FB post is whining that the friend they are staying with is <gasp> making her pay rent or get out!  She is shocked!  Shocked I say, that she will have to contribute financially.  I am cackling like a maniac. 
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Arrynne on July 16, 2013, 11:33:26 AM
....and she has to dye her hair back to a normal color. You see, my non thinker decided for her 18th birthday she was going to dye her (natural and beautiful blonde)hair smurf blue! 

The nice thing about hair rebellion, is it's easy to dye it back to a normal color. 

I'm 35 and just dyed my hair purple.  :) Completely out of character for me (I had completely virgin hair until I was 30).  The big difference for me is I already have a job. Plus I work from home, so no one has to see it.

I think you did great regarding the medicine.  She needs to take responsibility for her own health. 
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: ladyknight1 on July 16, 2013, 01:44:30 PM
The phone would be cut off now, if this was my child. I would have laughed after the black shoes/blue hair conversation as well.  >:D
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: siamesecat2965 on July 16, 2013, 02:37:28 PM
I wish my CW had the backbone you do. Her child is 19; basically flunked out of first semester of college, and was put on academic probation. She got quite ill over the holidays, and as a result, missed the first couple weeks of school. And then dropped out. No refund since she couldnít get medical leave due to her ac pro, and they lost the tuition.

Child is lazy, entitled, spoiled, and CW cannot stand up to her. Oh, manipulative as well. But she made absolutely no attempt to even try and catch up, and CW said, but she missed so much and is still recovering. If that were me, my parents would have made me at least try, and if not, take a couple of incompletes. It could have been done.  And if I said no, and still dropped out, they would have then told me, well, you'd better get a job and come up with a plan to pay us back!  But CW just let her do what she wanted.

So she took ONE class at community college, but has no job. Managed to total ďherĒ car, supposedly NOT her fault, but has been subpoenaed to appear in court re: the accident so Iím suspecting we didnít get the full story.

New car was purchased, why I donít know since she has no job and isnít taking any classes. Oh, but in a month, sheís moving south to the beach to live in the family condo, and go to school there. Still with no job, and mooching off CW. I hear her every day on the phone and I want to scream. She is not helping child at all, and child will continue to mooch.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 19, 2013, 01:12:50 PM
Bad day in Black Rock for Miss I am an Adult..told her the phone is definitely gone July 25 (next billing cycle) due to her reneging on our deal.  She blew up and said I was the worst mom in the world (is their an award ceremony for that?) and then she put a rambling rant on FB because the people they are flopping with left her a snarky note about coming up with August's portion of rent and about cleaning up after themselves (her and her gf).  I said nothing..but oh I cackled like a crazy woman.  This was followed by a post that said she hates being an adult because no one would help her out and were being mean to her (me..me I bet she meant me!!!).  Again..commence loon laughter.  I did ask her when she called if she actually thought about what she posts before hitting send because it could bite her in the butt...
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Harriet Jones on July 19, 2013, 01:18:28 PM
I guess she's still a ways from learning what being a grown-up means  ::)
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 19, 2013, 01:35:16 PM
My sister asked me this morning when I thought she would come back with her tail between her legs..I said if the people she is living with see her nasty FB post about how disrespectful they are to her, this afternoon  lol!!  I also switched bedrooms between her and other DD..she doesn't want to be here, she gets her stuff stored in the small room and little one gets the bigger room.  She was actually ok with that (not that she had a choice).
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Amara on July 19, 2013, 02:04:37 PM
I'll bet you're gonna have chores and responsibilities and all kind of fun things for her if she returns. >:D

You are such a mean mom! ;)






Reason for edit: prettier formatting.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: ladyknight1 on July 19, 2013, 02:07:50 PM
Bad day in Black Rock for Miss I am an Adult..told her the phone is definitely gone July 25 (next billing cycle) due to her reneging on our deal.  She blew up and said I was the worst mom in the world (is their an award ceremony for that?) and then she put a rambling rant on FB because the people they are flopping with left her a snarky note about coming up with August's portion of rent and about cleaning up after themselves (her and her gf).  I said nothing..but oh I cackled like a crazy woman.  This was followed by a post that said she hates being an adult because no one would help her out and were being mean to her (me..me I bet she meant me!!!).  Again..commence loon laughter.  I did ask her when she called if she actually thought about what she posts before hitting send because it could bite her in the butt...

The award ceremony involves a sparkling tiara, an adult beverage and a pedicure.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 19, 2013, 02:29:31 PM
Amara - chores is the worst cuss word for her!  She is to pick up after herself, but that never happens and it seems to be getting her in trouble where she is staying.  TBH, she is an entitlement minded little brat..it is not how she was raised, but it is how she sees the world.  Her dad was the same way.

ladyknight - yeeehaaaa  I love tiara's and drinks and pampering!
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: cwm on July 19, 2013, 02:43:41 PM
Inviteseller, you're a lot nicer than my mom was! Then again, I was in college or had a job while I've lived on my own, so there is that.

I mean, she is right about one thing. It's hard being an adult. Especially when you still want to act like a child.

Don't get me wrong, the best part of living away from my mom is not having chores, but it's general upkeep of the shared space then. And in just over a week I'll be on my own. I'll only have one person to complain about if it gets dirty, and that'll be ME.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Outdoor Girl on July 19, 2013, 02:57:11 PM
Invite me to the ceremony!  I'm not a mom but I'd be happy to provide mojitos.  ;D

*inviteseller, I think you are the meanest Mom in the world, a la that old Ann Landers column that is still taped up inside one of my Mom's cupboards and she's been dead for 10 years.  Good for you!
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Lynn2000 on July 19, 2013, 03:25:55 PM
It sounds like DD is really having a tough time, but I hope it will be good for her in the end. Sometimes it seems like kids won't listen to even the most sensible, basic advice if it comes from their parents, but when they hear the same thing from their peers (you need to clean up after yourself and pay some rent) or potential employers (you can't work here with hair that color) it might stick better. Also I've found that sometimes it doesn't seem like someone is listening to me (and with social media it's easy for them to post a rant as evidence!) but they'll end up thinking it over and a week later or so it might have sunk in. In ten years she will probably look back on this time and be completely mortified--I know *I* am, and I wasn't nearly that bad...  ::)
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Lady Snowdon on July 19, 2013, 03:39:11 PM
I'm sorry *inviteseller, you can't possibly be the worst mom in the world.  That would be my mom, who upon finding out that I'd spent up to the limit on my credit card at age 19, made me take every bit of earnings from my summer job that year and pay it off in full.  Can you imagine such meanness?!  I didn't have any fun money to take back to college with me and had to keep my student job and get by on that!

Now that I think about it, I probably should thank her for that.  Not that my financial spending is well reined in by any means, but at least now I know what kind of work it takes to pay things off. 
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 19, 2013, 03:50:42 PM
I fear of her getting a credit card because she is so irresponsible.  I had fraud alerts on her social security number as a child (ex hubby gleefully used mine, and I didn't want him to do it to her) but I am not sure if that extends past her 18th birthday.  Her gf screwed up her credit so bad that at 19 she can't rent an apartment or get a car.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: CakeBeret on July 19, 2013, 04:39:50 PM
(((hugs))) inviteseller - the lessons she learns from this will be invaluable. And she will make the transition to responsible, reasonable adult eventually. You're doing a fine job.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: jedikaiti on July 19, 2013, 04:42:43 PM
Sometimes tough love is the best love. I have one friend who's still a bit clueless, but his clue meter started reading a lot higher after his parents kicked him out and made him live on his own!
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 19, 2013, 05:25:33 PM
Thanks CakeBeret..you have more confidence in her than I do   ::)  She has no education, no drive, everything is someone else's fault, and she is not taking her meds.  But she says I am horrible..and I know I am.   I mean, I expect her to get her schooling finished, be respectful, see her therapist, and take her meds..I am a monster!!   ;D  There will, I'm sure, be someone who thinks I need to do more or help more, but I told her NOT to move out, I was willing to fully support her while she did her schooling but she knows better so now I am just sitting back enjoying the show.  As far as her listening to her friends..nope..she has managed to alienate them all at this point because they gave her the same advise as I did, so that meant they had crossed over to the dark side  >:D
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Carotte on July 19, 2013, 05:55:40 PM
Thanks CakeBeret..you have more confidence in her than I do   ::)  She has no education, no drive, everything is someone else's fault, and she is not taking her meds.  But she says I am horrible..and I know I am.   I mean, I expect her to get her schooling finished, be respectful, see her therapist, and take her meds..I am a monster!!   ;D  There will, I'm sure, be someone who thinks I need to do more or help more, but I told her NOT to move out, I was willing to fully support her while she did her schooling but she knows better so now I am just sitting back enjoying the show.  As far as her listening to her friends..nope..she has managed to alienate them all at this point because they gave her the same advise as I did, so that meant they had crossed over to the dark side  >:D

You might want to direct your daughter to them then, so that they can help her. :)
Quite frankly and from someone still depending on my parents (at 25) you are doing the best thing possible to your child . It might take years, but hopefully she will fully come around and thank you for it.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: jpcher on July 19, 2013, 06:54:08 PM
There will, I'm sure, be someone who thinks I need to do more or help more, but I told her NOT to move out, I was willing to fully support her while she did her schooling but she knows better so now I am just sitting back enjoying the show.  As far as her listening to her friends..nope..she has managed to alienate them all at this point because they gave her the same advise as I did, so that meant they had crossed over to the dark side  >:D

Bold above, I think you're talking about me due to my prior post.

It was your prior and continual comments such as "Laughing like a loon" and the green above "enjoying the show" that makes me cringe a bit. Maybe this is just your way of dealing with the situation, but personally? I would be crying my eyeballs out.

That being said, I still think you're doing the right thing. I give you strong (((encouraging))) hugs.

You're handling this way better than I would.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 19, 2013, 10:29:57 PM
No no no jpcher..I should have been more specific and said in real life.  And yes, it does sound heartless to say I am just laughing at her so I will give a bit of background.  My DD has battled some mental health issues, the last 2 years have been a series of hospitalizations and placements.  We have been through so much family therapy, I almost have a degree now myself  ;D.  Her therapists have stressed the fact that she needed to take responsibility for her actions and to make plausible life goals instead of just doing what she wanted when she wanted then flying off the handle and blaming me when it all went south.  They stressed that she was almost an adult and once she turned 18, I could be her advisor, but I could no longer step in and clean up after her and they stressed to me I had to cut the strings and let her sink or swim.  She repeatedly said she knew better than me and I was not going to hold her back.  She was getting in a good place..GED classes, a small part time job, but her gf, who has made her own series of bad decisions convinced her when my DD turned 18 to live in the land of unicorns and rainbows with her.  2 girls, no jobs, one effectively homeless and living in her car until it got towed away for expired registration/plates, one with no education past 11th grade, but 2 weeks away from her GED test, couch surfing and wearing out their welcome every where they go.  I can't do anything but sit back and laugh because not only did I, but her friends, my friends, relatives try to talk her out of this but she told me she could make it on her own just fine.  I worry about her, I love her, I will welcome her back (once) but I will also let her make these choices on her own.  She has had lifelong education about school, work ethics, personal responsibility, credit responsibility..now it is up to her. 
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: greencat on July 19, 2013, 10:52:40 PM
As someone who works extensively with new adults, I have to say - you are a good mom.  Most of the parents I have to deal with in my job have helicopter blades whirling overhead, and it's refreshing to see someone being a good parent and making their offspring take responsibility.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Minmom3 on July 19, 2013, 11:18:55 PM
As someone who works extensively with new adults, I have to say - you are a good mom.  Most of the parents I have to deal with in my job have helicopter blades whirling overhead, and it's refreshing to see someone being a good parent and making their offspring take responsibility.

I agree wholeheartedly.  There is only so much you CAN do to help somebody who not only does not WANT your help, he/she thinks you're stupid.  Life is hard, and coddling people isn't an effective parenting method for producing capable adults.  So, you do what you can, and then you sit back and alternate between laughing and crying, because the alternative is crying ALL THE TIME.  You love that person, and you really want them to do well and succeed at life.  But they aren't a puppet, and you have to cut the strings and let them get on with it as best they can.  It's not fun having a family member like that...   :'(
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 20, 2013, 12:07:53 AM
You know, strange as this sounds..I am not sad and I am not angry.  I went through so many levels of grief when she had to be put into the mental facility (who wants their DD to spend her sweet 16 behind 2 sets of locked doors???) but I had to adjust my thinking and my dreams for her future.  Lots of therapy on my own have made me realize I can show her right from wrong, but I can't make her do them at this juncture in her life.  It is now all up to her.  Her bff told me recently she does know what I have taught her..just can't figure out how she has to use it.  The gales of loon laughter are coming from her griping about having to pay rent <gasp> and clean up after herself <double gasp> and the comment she made the other day that being 18 and an adult was sooooo hard. 
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: A.P. Wulfric on July 20, 2013, 11:04:03 AM
There will, I'm sure, be someone who thinks I need to do more or help more, but I told her NOT to move out, I was willing to fully support her while she did her schooling but she knows better so now I am just sitting back enjoying the show.  As far as her listening to her friends..nope..she has managed to alienate them all at this point because they gave her the same advise as I did, so that meant they had crossed over to the dark side  >:D

Bold above, I think you're talking about me due to my prior post.

It was your prior and continual comments such as "Laughing like a loon" and the green above "enjoying the show" that makes me cringe a bit. Maybe this is just your way of dealing with the situation, but personally? I would be crying my eyeballs out.

That being said, I still think you're doing the right thing. I give you strong (((encouraging))) hugs.

You're handling this way better than I would.

I don't think there is anything wrong with how inviteseller is reacting, I mean, it might be cathartic for her to laugh at times like this, because, well, what else can you do? It's like throwing your hands in the air.

I think from your posts about your daughters-you are very protective over them and how they react to the "real" world.  It seems that the OP has learned the hard way that tough love is the only way her daughter will adapt to the world.  Better now than years down the road.  Different strokes, different folks.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: EllenS on July 20, 2013, 01:01:17 PM
A.P. Wulfric, personal remarks are rude IRL and especially rude when they have nothing to do with the OP, but are criticizing other posters family relationships, as you perceive them.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: A.P. Wulfric on July 20, 2013, 03:45:51 PM
Ellen-I disagree.

One poster is upset at how the OP is taking her own, personal situation.

I state that because she raises her kids differently, she has her own take on this. 

I have read this board for years, and have read many threads about how people parent their kids.  My observation is simply that, my observation. I didn't' criticize anyone, I simply stated it.  You may disagree. That's your prerogative, but your post came across as very preachy, and that is rude.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: jpcher on July 20, 2013, 04:56:34 PM
There will, I'm sure, be someone who thinks I need to do more or help more, but I told her NOT to move out, I was willing to fully support her while she did her schooling but she knows better so now I am just sitting back enjoying the show.  As far as her listening to her friends..nope..she has managed to alienate them all at this point because they gave her the same advise as I did, so that meant they had crossed over to the dark side  >:D

Bold above, I think you're talking about me due to my prior post.

It was your prior and continual comments such as "Laughing like a loon" and the green above "enjoying the show" that makes me cringe a bit. Maybe this is just your way of dealing with the situation, but personally? I would be crying my eyeballs out.

That being said, I still think you're doing the right thing. I give you strong (((encouraging))) hugs.

You're handling this way better than I would.

I don't think there is anything wrong with how inviteseller is reacting, I mean, it might be cathartic for her to laugh at times like this, because, well, what else can you do? It's like throwing your hands in the air.

I think from your posts about your daughters-you are very protective over them and how they react to the "real" world.  It seems that the OP has learned the hard way that tough love is the only way her daughter will adapt to the world.  Better now than years down the road.  Different strokes, different folks.

I completely agree with you, A.P. Wulfric -- My questions were posted simply for further understanding. I probably should have made that clear in earlier posts.

In all of my posts, I agreed with OP and other posters that *inviteseller was doing the right thing.



While I don't have this type of problem with my own DDs, there is a friend of theirs that they've known since 3rd grade who is on the same path as OP's daughter. I've posted about her before, Tina.

Tina has been through counseling many times, quit HS, has been on the homeless path (crashing on other peoples couches) and even asked me if she could live with us for a while.

When Tina asked to live with us, I said no problem and I gave Tina the same caveats that *inviteseller gave her own DD . . . sign up for GED classes, look for a job and most definitely help out with the daily chores. This lasted for a little over a week, then Tina found somewhere else to live.

I talked to Tina's mom. She said "Oh. So Tina's still alive. That's good to know. I haven't heard from her in 5 months. Thanks for calling." (there was more to this conversation)


Now, reading this thread, I'm beginning to understand why Tina's mom acted the way she did.


One poster is upset at how the OP is taking her own, personal situation.

No, I'm not upset at how the OP is handling this situation. I'm simply trying to understand. I was surprised at Tina's mom's comments and OP's "laughing like a loon" . . . but it's all coming together for me.


Thanks for posting this thread, *inviteseller.



I wish you the best . . . please keep us posted.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: A.P. Wulfric on July 20, 2013, 05:18:05 PM
Sorry to have misread that then! It's so hard to see other people and let them fall, it's what works. I had the same situation with my niece who lived with us years ago. Some people thought her mom was heinous for shipping her 3000 miles away. She did what she thought was right, and now, 6 years later, niece, now 20, thinks it was right too.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 20, 2013, 06:29:12 PM
When my DD first went into intense treatment, I also was shocked at how some parents rarely visited ( I was there every day) or joined in the family support group but I finally got it.  You can only bang your head against the wall so long before you say "I have done all I can, now it is your turn" .  And I laugh because all she is moan and groan about her situation, one she put herself in, one she knows she does not have to be in, but she is too dingdangity stubborn to admit it.  I stuck with her till she turned 18, but now, it is her life and she knows what I have to offer to her and she chooses not to take it.  So now, I pop the popcorn, get a nice cold drink and watch the show.  I cannot keep saving her from herself because she will never learn and turn out like her father..who lived in his mother's basement until he died in February.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Iris on July 20, 2013, 06:38:17 PM
I know it's not what you asked for, but (((hugs))). It is HARD when you have a child with a mental illness and you have to let them transition to adulthood and self care. I'm approaching that time with my own DD, although from a different perspective. It sounds like your daughter simply does not learn from others' experiences or advice and is going to have to do every darn thing the hard way for herself. You are absolutely doing the right thing for her long term benefit, so good for you.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Softly Spoken on July 20, 2013, 07:06:30 PM
I haven't read through the whole thread yet but I had to add my two cents that OP you are doing the right thing.

I am speaking as a daughter and not a parent. I personally experienced sort of the opposite of this...I was nearly strangled with the proverbial apron strings - except, since my mom was the Bad Cop and my dad spoiled me it wasn't an apron...what would the fatherly equivalent of apron strings be? Belt loops? :P
I was sheltered too much growing up, and not encouraged to be independent. I am taking a crash course in it now out of necessity, but I really harbor some resentment that my parents didn't put more effort into preparing me for Real Life. That being said, they did the best they could with what they had. At some point it is out of their hands, and squarely in mine.
OP, you will never stop being Mom but (IMHO) at some point the actual designated duties that come with that title are supposed to change dramatically. By the time your child is a certain age, you have basically been retired from active duty and are only on call for larger emergencies and informational updates.
When children are trying to make it on their own, parents can still be consulted for advice but they shouldn't be expected to fix problems directly. When my water heater broke last month I called my Dad - who gave me the number of a good repair company. I didn't expect him to come rushing over with his tool box. ::) I have found myself calling him and saying "So when you had [typical homeowner-related problem] how did you deal with it?" - so I would know how to do it myself.

You gave your daughter all the help she should expect in the situation. You gave her good advice. You offered to do what you could within reason. It isn't your job to "fix" everything for your daughter - I don't think it would be no matter what her age or situation.

I have been learning that being on your own can really really suck - that's just part of the deal. I've also learned that there is nothing quite like the feeling of triumph one gets from meeting a challenge or overcoming an obstacle on their own. I recently purchased a table and put it together by myself. Took a long time, it wobbles and there was much profanity and bargains with either Deity or the Other Guy towards the end...but I did it!  8)

If someone is complaining about the responsibilities of adulthood instead of celebrating their opportunities to be independent...then they still have some more growing to do.  :-\

~*~*~*~*
Just caught the last couple posts...I missed the mental illness angle guess I haven't read that far. I am battling depression and anxiety myself, while recovering from PTSD. Sometimes my independence causes my stress...but often it is what helps my mental health. I am feeling more in control of my life because I literally have to be in control of it now. Being responsible for my own health and well-being is terrifying and yet very empowering. I am proud of myself for both finding, and taking advantage of, the support and resources that are available to me. I hope your daughter can eventually do the same.
((((hugs))))
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 20, 2013, 09:27:11 PM
My dad bought me a beautiful glass front tv stand.  Gave it to me in the box and said "make sure you read the directions".   ??? The directions mixed up 2 steps and were not written well, but I did it myself (did you know that swearing loudly makes screws turn better?).  My ex husband always complained because he said I didn't need him..he wanted some simpering little girl I guess, but Daddy raised a strong woman because he made me do for myself.  Hated it growing up, thank him every day for it now.  I worked with a lovely woman who was so dingdangity coddled growing up..she has trouble when people do not bow to her now.  I say you start loosening those apron strings (or in mine and Softly Spoken's case with our dad's, neckties) when they start walking..little things all the time so that by the time they are ready to go out to college or whatever, while not perfect, the kids can handle day to day life without constantly running home to mom and dad to fix everything.  I'm 47 and still ask my dad's advice on some things, and with his health deteriorating quickly, I am faced with not having my sounding board, but he has given me enough knowledge that I can just go through my mental files of his advice over the years and muddle through if I hit a snag.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: siamesecat2965 on July 21, 2013, 10:07:39 AM
My dad bought me a beautiful glass front tv stand.  Gave it to me in the box and said "make sure you read the directions".   ??? The directions mixed up 2 steps and were not written well, but I did it myself (did you know that swearing loudly makes screws turn better?).  My ex husband always complained because he said I didn't need him..he wanted some simpering little girl I guess, but Daddy raised a strong woman because he made me do for myself.  Hated it growing up, thank him every day for it now.  I worked with a lovely woman who was so dingdangity coddled growing up..she has trouble when people do not bow to her now.  I say you start loosening those apron strings (or in mine and Softly Spoken's case with our dad's, neckties) when they start walking..little things all the time so that by the time they are ready to go out to college or whatever, while not perfect, the kids can handle day to day life without constantly running home to mom and dad to fix everything.  I'm 47 and still ask my dad's advice on some things, and with his health deteriorating quickly, I am faced with not having my sounding board, but he has given me enough knowledge that I can just go through my mental files of his advice over the years and muddle through if I hit a snag.

I am very much like you are. I'm also 47, and have lived on my own for 20+ years. each time I moved, my dad did come help me do things, hang a heavy mirror, a curio shelf, etc. and while he did most of the actual work, he also showed me step by step, so i could possible do it myself the next time. which I will have to, since he passed away about 6 years ago. I'd also call him and ask his advice as to how to deal with stuff until my landlord could get to it. But I'm very independent. But I do miss him and being able to bounce things off of him. he did teach me though, that you have to at least try and figure it out yourself, or, in the case of cars, be aware of what needs to be done, when, and so on.

As for your DD, I have a friend who has a DD who is 23 or 24. had many issues growing up, and spent time in a residential treatment facility for teens with issues. She continually says she loves her DD, but she won't enable her poor choices. Much like you are doing. Child was allowed to live at home as long as she abided by the house rules, but decided they were too "strict" and left. She now lives several states away, and is kind of getting it together but still has trouble with such things as holding a job, paying rent, and other issues relating to personal responsibiltiy. its never HER fault, but someone elses. So my friends just sort of sits back, and gives what support she can, but other than that, lets her alone.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: weeblewobble on July 21, 2013, 08:24:03 PM
I think you're doing the right thing.  Honestly, it sounds like your daughter has a case of, "I'm an ADULT! I don't have to abide by your stupid rules!... But you should still care of all of the little details for me!"

One of my mother's coworkers, Stephanie, could use a dose of your fortitude. Her oldest daughter, Becky, has some mental health issues, which have allowed the daughter to manipulate the parents out of holding any boundaries with her or enforce any plans for completing educational/treatment programs.  Stephanie and her husband try to draw a hard line with her, Becky threatens self-harm, they back off. And when her therapists recommend solutions, Stephanie, refuses to follow their advice, stating that the solution won't work for some reason. So they remain in an unhealthy cycle. Becky lives at home, doesn't have a job, doesn't go to school, but has plenty of time to shop online (with mom and dad's credit cards), and drive mom and dad's cars, since she totaled the one her parents bought her. ETA: Even my mom, whose coddling of my baby brother, Ted, is the stuff of Ehell legend, says, "Wow, that's messed up."

What's worse, is there's a younger daughter in the house, Jenny, who is more functional and a good student.  But Becky latched onto Jenny, claiming that she couldn't cope unless Jenny is sitting at home with her, keeping her company. (Imagine a "companion" that a pampered daughter might enjoy in a Jane Austen novel. Becky sits around on the couch, watching TV, Jenny sits there watching Becky watch TV. If Jenny tries to read or work on her laptop or direct her attention elsewhere, Becky pitches a fit.)

I suspect that Becky is jealous that Jenny has lots of friends and enjoyed school and was trying to keep her from enjoying her senior year. Jenny missed out on a lot of socializing in her last year of high school because "Becky needed her." Becky even tried to prevent Jenny from leaving for college this fall, because she wanted Jenny to stay home with her. And Stephanie actually asked Jenny to consider deferring for a year and going to a local community college until Becky "got back on her feet!"

Thank goodness Jenny refused and the dad backed her.  Because Becky is never going to "get back on her feet" as long as she's allowed to do what she pleases. I don't even think Stephanie really wanted Jenny to stay home from college, but she's so used to appeasing Becky that she can't pull out of the cycle.

So really, you're doing the right thing.  Your daughter needs to understand how the world works. She can't sneer at you and your stupid rules, then beg mommy to fix everything for her. Stay strong.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 21, 2013, 10:03:37 PM
weeblewobble..that story is horrible!!!  Poor Jenny!  It is easy to give into the manipulations.  I was headed down that road, but, as hard as it was for me, I finally called for help.  It was her therapists that shined up my spine..simply put, they told me I could make excuses which would mean neither of us would break the vicious circle, or I could work with them to learn how not to give in and boy oh boy, was that a freeing thing.  She still pushes, and I still pick my battles, but I have perfected the bored look when she is whining at me.  ;D
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: HappilyInsane on July 21, 2013, 10:41:28 PM
It's hard not to laugh sometimes when you hear "I'm an ADULT! You can't make me do (whatever)" immediately followed by " MOOOOMMMM! Come wipe my nose!!".

Ages 15-18 with my beautiful child were somewhere around Dante's 9th circle for me. The day she turned 18, I shouted hallelujah and told her from here on out, she would have to deal with the consequences.

She knows I love her and tells everyone I am her best friend. She knows I will give advice and she knows I will stand back and say I told you so. She's making a home with her boyfriend, working, and appreciating me more everyday for the lessons she has learned.

Some lessons must be learned the hard way. It is hard as a parent to watch them stumble, but sometimes, it is the only way they will learn.

Just keep telling her that adults do things for themselves, not expect others to do it for them.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 21, 2013, 11:00:44 PM
Hahaha Dante's Hell is about right.  When she is doing one of her stomping yelling tantrums, I look at the little one and say "if you ever act like that, I will sell you to the gypsy's !"   As much as she carps on about how horrible I am, she admits that I am the first person she will turn to, and on Father's Day, she wrote a very nice essay about me, saying that I was both mother and father, and that even when I was mad at her for making bad choices, I still said I love you.  She just has to make these mistakes, and I get the fun of thinking "I told you so".  I will say, from the last 2 days posts and a phone call yesterday where she was very nice, I think she is about ready to make the decision to ask to come home.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: laud_shy_girl on July 22, 2013, 06:21:12 AM
Don't make her grovel to much. :D very proud of you *inviteseller you are doing a great job.

I think to many people have children now and just think about the baby/child and don't look and see the adult trying to get out of the infant in front of them.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: cwm on July 22, 2013, 12:50:16 PM
My dad bought me a beautiful glass front tv stand.  Gave it to me in the box and said "make sure you read the directions".   ??? The directions mixed up 2 steps and were not written well, but I did it myself (did you know that swearing loudly makes screws turn better?).  My ex husband always complained because he said I didn't need him..he wanted some simpering little girl I guess, but Daddy raised a strong woman because he made me do for myself.  Hated it growing up, thank him every day for it now.  I worked with a lovely woman who was so dingdangity coddled growing up..she has trouble when people do not bow to her now.  I say you start loosening those apron strings (or in mine and Softly Spoken's case with our dad's, neckties) when they start walking..little things all the time so that by the time they are ready to go out to college or whatever, while not perfect, the kids can handle day to day life without constantly running home to mom and dad to fix everything.  I'm 47 and still ask my dad's advice on some things, and with his health deteriorating quickly, I am faced with not having my sounding board, but he has given me enough knowledge that I can just go through my mental files of his advice over the years and muddle through if I hit a snag.

Re: the bolded. Oh do I EVER! I've learned through the years that if swearing doesn't work, giving the wall some percussive maintenance. It works really well.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 22, 2013, 03:54:12 PM
Guess who wants to come home?
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Outdoor Girl on July 22, 2013, 03:55:30 PM
LOL.  There's a shocker... NOT.

Good luck.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: ladyknight1 on July 22, 2013, 04:05:13 PM
Hold on to your tiara. Does GF want to come too?
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 22, 2013, 04:09:23 PM
Oh nononononononono ladyknight..she is NOT allowed on my property.  I let the first instance of disrespect in my home slide, but it happened again, and then she lied to my face.  Nope, nada, uhuh, nyet..
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: cwm on July 22, 2013, 04:56:14 PM
Just a piece of advice from a daughter who's come home. Write up a...well, not a rental agreement, but a basic agreement as to what her responsibilities will be and what the consequences will be if she fails to live up to them. Have her sign it so you can point to it as a physical reminder of what she's got to do to hold up to her end of the bargain. I had to agree to do X hours of work in the house every week or I'd have to pay my mother a weekly amount of money for my car payment. If I did one hour under the weekly amount, I still had to pay. I guarantee you I worked my butt off because I didn't have the money, and I needed to keep the car. And I didn't resent her one bit for it, she was making sure I wasn't being the slacker I wanted to be.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Dazi on July 22, 2013, 05:36:11 PM
Well that didn't last long.  I'm Soooo shocked.  :P
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: NyaChan on July 22, 2013, 06:01:20 PM
Just a piece of advice from a daughter who's come home. Write up a...well, not a rental agreement, but a basic agreement as to what her responsibilities will be and what the consequences will be if she fails to live up to them. Have her sign it so you can point to it as a physical reminder of what she's got to do to hold up to her end of the bargain. I had to agree to do X hours of work in the house every week or I'd have to pay my mother a weekly amount of money for my car payment. If I did one hour under the weekly amount, I still had to pay. I guarantee you I worked my butt off because I didn't have the money, and I needed to keep the car. And I didn't resent her one bit for it, she was making sure I wasn't being the slacker I wanted to be.

I think having house rules is a good idea if you are letting her live at your house again.  It doesn't seem like you'd have trouble enforcing consequences if necessary either, but being firm will be good, not just for your older DD to learn, but for your younger daughter to see as well. 
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 22, 2013, 07:35:41 PM
We just got off the phone..she wants to come home, but she is throwing her own roadblocks up.  She said she just knows I won't let her do anythiiiiing.  I told her that she has to go to school, clean up after herself, and respect the household members.  She can go out whenever, but she can't treat this as her own hotel and I will want her to occasionally watch her sister so I can go do something for myself (a rare event actually).  She wants to prove herself, but I told her she isn't quite ready for that yet, so why not take advantage of free room and board and hot meals while she gets herself ready.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: ladyknight1 on July 22, 2013, 07:36:24 PM
Oh nononononononono ladyknight..she is NOT allowed on my property.  I let the first instance of disrespect in my home slide, but it happened again, and then she lied to my face.  Nope, nada, uhuh, nyet..

Oh, that was probably a big reason for DD1 to leave then. I would definitely recommend a written agreement for her to live with you again.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 22, 2013, 08:07:08 PM
The gf was the only reason she left.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: bopper on July 23, 2013, 10:02:56 AM
Reminds me of this old chestnut:

(http://www.a-zdarts.com/images/games/teenagers.jpg)
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: bopper on July 23, 2013, 10:21:34 AM
My brother was living with us for a while while he was going to school. He did some chores in lieu of rent.  But the deal was he could stay with us while he was going to school...but he had a similar issue as someone above  where he got sick, missed some classes, dropped out....and then we had to tell him that if he was going to be working and not going to school then that is what he wanted to do with his life so he would need to find a place.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: pendragon1980 on July 23, 2013, 10:44:18 AM
Invite, as a person who was the daughter in this story at one point, I applaud you.

I had alot of mental health problems and my "moving out" was going to live in the dorms. I spiraled down and attempted suicide.

I moved back in with my mom and she laid down the law. I either had to go to school fulltime and work parttime or vice versa. I had to help out around the house and pay "my" bills (car, fun money)

At the time, I hated her for it but now, some years down the road I realized her tough love steered me to be a better, more responsible person.

Your daughter may not appreciate it now, but in a few years when she sees how you probably saved her, she will.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: bopper on July 24, 2013, 08:58:18 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/397697_477041405666252_117366609_n.jpg)
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on July 24, 2013, 12:10:11 PM
I love that Bopper!!!  That is right up there with the principal who, in his graduation speech, told the kids "You're not special." 

She has decided, even though she only has a few clothes with her, never has anything to eat, no money, no job, and is miserable, she is not coming home.  My dad always says I'm stubborn..I can't hold a candle to her!!!!
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: cwm on July 24, 2013, 12:54:12 PM
Well coming home would involve RULES and BOUNDARIES and DOING THINGS.

Also, she'd have to live with a horrible person who wouldn't put up with her lazing about or her SO. And they're in LUUUUUVE, don't you know. Twu wuv will sort everything out. This is just a small bump on her journey to greatness.


Or, back in the real world, someday she'll catch a clue and come back or work to earn her keep.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: siamesecat2965 on July 24, 2013, 01:02:54 PM
I love that Bopper!!!  That is right up there with the principal who, in his graduation speech, told the kids "You're not special." 

She has decided, even though she only has a few clothes with her, never has anything to eat, no money, no job, and is miserable, she is not coming home.  My dad always says I'm stubborn..I can't hold a candle to her!!!!

I LOVED that speech. I thought it was awesome. and so very true. When I was a kid, oh, you didn't win or place in some event or competition, that was that. Being someone who was completely (and still is) uncoordinated, I wasn' very good. but they'd tell me I still did well, which helped. NOw, everyone gets a ribbon or trophy.

She may figure out the rules and such at home are better, eventually, but i suspect it may take some time.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: Outdoor Girl on July 24, 2013, 01:04:57 PM
OT and re:  A (stubborn) parent calling their child stubborn

My Mom and I got into a heated argument.  I was not going to lose this argument.  It involved more work for me but it was how I wanted something done.  My Mom finally got fed up and just said, 'Diety, you're stubborn.'  A heartbeat later, I turned to her, smiled, and said, 'I learned from the best'.  She harumphed; my Dad cracked up.

She's been gone 10 years now and I've discovered that she actually wasn't the most stubborn one.  That would be my Dad.  But it was somehow masked when she was alive.  I'm now fighting with my Dad to get him to pay for somebody to come in and do some of the routine chores needed around the house and property so he can stay in the house.  If not, he's going to have to move to somewhere more manageable.  He keeps saying, 'But those are all things I can do for myself.'  'Yes, yes they are.  But you are wearing yourself out doing them.  Hire somebody so you have the energy left to do the things you like to do.  You dummy.'  OK, I left the last two words off.   :)

*inviteseller, I agree with the others who've suggested having a firm list of house rules when she does come back, with consequences clearly outlined.  With her phone being cut off tomorrow, I have a feeling she's going to change her mind.  Again.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on September 06, 2013, 07:09:19 PM
**UPDATE***

Forgot about this thread..but she came home almost 2 weeks ago.  She had been trying to work up the nerve to get home for almost a month, finally she decided to just leave, mostly because she wanted to spend time with my dad (she had a week with him before he passed).  She is going to take her GED test in 2 weeks, she is applying for jobs and she is looking into Vet Tech school.  While she is still an extreme slob to live with, it is nice having her home.  She is also happy and the only thing we have words about is her inability to clean up after herself.  She is not planning on going anywhere until she has her act together (I asked id she was thinking her 40's  hahahaha) but I am happy!
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: jpcher on September 06, 2013, 07:33:35 PM
*inviteseller -- that is the most wonderful update that I've ever heard on this site. I teared up reading that post.


You are an awesome mom for sticking to your guns. I don't think that I would have had the tough-love ability in me. You persevered and won your daughter back. I bet she respects you a whole lot more now, instead of trying to take advantage of you.

You win the internet this year! ;D




Thanks for the update.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: chibichan on September 06, 2013, 07:52:10 PM
Reminds me of this old chestnut:

(http://www.a-zdarts.com/images/games/teenagers.jpg)


Hahahahaha...I remember that poster . It was prominently displayed on my parents' refrigerator when I was in High School .  ;D
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: PastryGoddess on September 06, 2013, 08:53:28 PM
Am I wrong for cackling when I saw that update OP :)
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: TootsNYC on September 06, 2013, 09:00:06 PM
or to call me in the am to give me a pharmacy number and I would call the DR to have an inhaler called in for her.


Perhaps "Here is your doctor's phone number; you can call them with your pharmacy's number, and they'll call a prescription in to the store for you to pick up."

By volunteering to call her doctor, you were sending the message that her health is *your* responsibility. You were tying the apron strings on, not cutting them.

Telling our children [people who don't know, bcs some adults might not realize this either] how the world works is part of our job at every age. And it's something we might do for a total stranger.

But the real thing you should do is hang up on her and stop listening to her whine.
Oh, and be amazed! "What do you mean, I'm doing nothing to help you? This is your life. It's your body. It's your doctor. I'm sorry you feel crappy, but you have the ways at your disposal to deal with it. I'm not going to sit her and listen to you feel sorry for yourself. Gotta go!" <click>


W/ my DD, I've realized that she was relying on me to make dentist appointments, etc., and she didn't realize she needed to allow for follow-up visits, etc. She's a rookie, and we used to do all that stuff for her.

I've been making sure all along that she has the info she needs--an address book w/ family addresses; a health notebook w/ info about her doctors in it; an insurance card to carry in her wallet.

It's just that sometimes I have knowledge she doesn't, simply because I've lived so long (I know that you need to hustle and get the first dentist appt., bcs if you need a cavity filled, they're not going to do it that day--but I had to learn that.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on September 07, 2013, 07:23:47 AM
Toots - I would never hang up on my kids if they called needing medical assistance.  Also, as this was just a few weeks after her 18th birthday, she had never called the Dr. before because he has a hard and fast rule that anyone under 18, the parents have to make all calls, set all appointments, and attend those appointments so, although she knew the Dr. and the office staff well, she had never done it before, thus the reason I gave her the choices of how to do it and what she was most comfortable with.  She has bronchitis (again) and took care of calling the Dr. yesterday, setting her own appointment and getting the meds (although she had a co pay issue I talked her through).  Yes, she moved out thinking she was an adult and I did let her flounder on most counts, but I won't do that if she is sick.

PastryGoddess - I love hearing her tell people she is so glad to be home and what was she thinking leaving with no plans on how to live.  Makes me cackle too!

jpcher - It took a few years, but I have managed to figure out how to pick my battles.  I admit to thinking I was picking my battles with her correctly, but I was backing down too much on the things I really needed to be tougher on and was tough on things that should have just been ignored.  She has it figured out now that her threats and screaming fits do NOT phase me and she has a grudging respect for me.  We are starting to move from a child/parent relationship into a more adult relationship. 
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: ladyknight1 on September 07, 2013, 09:31:37 AM
TY for being an awesome role model for all the moms on this forum!
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: HenrysMom on September 07, 2013, 11:51:39 AM
*inviteseller, is the GF still in the picture?
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: *inviteseller on September 07, 2013, 12:15:57 PM
No other than constantly sending her messages trying to get her to talk to her.  It ended the night my father passed when she said "Well now you can move back".  That didn't go over well.
Title: Re: S/O Am I a Bad Mom? When to cut the apron strings
Post by: PastryGoddess on September 07, 2013, 11:27:24 PM
No other than constantly sending her messages trying to get her to talk to her.  It ended the night my father passed when she said "Well now you can move back".  That didn't go over well.

I can't imagine why 8) /sarcasm