Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: Jocelyn on July 13, 2013, 09:21:21 PM

Title: Regifted
Post by: Jocelyn on July 13, 2013, 09:21:21 PM
This thought came up after reading another thread:
We all know that people regift. But what is the proper response if you open a gift, and there is a card inside, with a cheery message addressed TO the person who gave it to you?
Suppose there's a card, and the card contains money or a check as well?
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Raintree on July 14, 2013, 01:12:22 AM
First question: I would pretend I hadn't seen the card, and politely thank the person for the gift.

Second: I don't know! Maybe again pretend I hadn't seen it, and later give the card and check to the friend and say, "Here, I think you left this at my place somehow; I found it amongst my things."
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: sparksals on July 14, 2013, 01:21:21 AM
If there is a check, I would not cash it but also would not tell the giver.   If cash, I would keep it.  It was gifted to me.  Not my fault they didn't ensure I didn't find out it was a regift.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: SuperMartianRobotGirl on July 14, 2013, 07:41:58 AM
For the first question: I would pretend I didn't know it was regifted and would thank them as if it were not. I don't know what financial circumstances they're in and if that's the only way they could give a gift, or whatever. I just appreciate them being there and thinking of me.

For the second, I'd probably return it and say it got mixed up with my gifts somehow or something like that. I would not keep money not intended for me.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Luci on July 14, 2013, 08:08:12 AM
If there is a check, I would not cash it but also would not tell the giver.   If cash, I would keep it.  It was gifted to me.  Not my fault they didn't ensure I didn't find out it was a regift.

Just a card, I don't think I would bother with returning, but I would look for a check.

How would you cash the check? It is not made out to you, and nowadays it's even hard to cash a check made out to "Cash". We even have trouble with checks made out to "Mr. and Mrs." instead of "Mr. or Mrs." unless it's going into our joint accounts.

If it is a regift, and if the check is over 6 months old, so isn't any good, I don't think I would bother with it. If the check is still negotiable, I would give it to the giver in a private moment. Cash, I would return to the original receiver.

The check or cash may have been regifted to me, but I think the idea of intent is more important here than technicality. The writer intended it for the original receiver and couldn't in good conscience keep the money.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: crella on July 14, 2013, 01:11:05 PM
I'd take the 'this got mixed up in my gifts' route too.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: sparksals on July 14, 2013, 03:13:39 PM
If there is a check, I would not cash it but also would not tell the giver.   If cash, I would keep it.  It was gifted to me.  Not my fault they didn't ensure I didn't find out it was a regift.

Just a card, I don't think I would bother with returning, but I would look for a check.

How would you cash the check? It is not made out to you, and nowadays it's even hard to cash a check made out to "Cash". We even have trouble with checks made out to "Mr. and Mrs." instead of "Mr. or Mrs." unless it's going into our joint accounts.

If it is a regift, and if the check is over 6 months old, so isn't any good, I don't think I would bother with it. If the check is still negotiable, I would give it to the giver in a private moment. Cash, I would return to the original receiver.

The check or cash may have been regifted to me, but I think the idea of intent is more important here than technicality. The writer intended it for the original receiver and couldn't in good conscience keep the money.

That is why I said I would not cash the check bc it would not be payable to me.   Returning cash would embarrass the giver bc they will know you know it is a regift. 
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Outdoor Girl on July 14, 2013, 03:44:41 PM
I wouldn't say anything about a cheque.  The giver will likely bring it to their attention when they see that it hasn't been cashed.  And at that point, the jig will be up and the regifter will know that I know it was a regift.

I do have to admit to some impure thoughts here.  It would also depend on how I felt about the regifter.  My Dad, brother or nephews?  I'd probably give the money back.  Other folks?  Not so much.  I have one friend who is... particular.  I can see her passing something on to me that she doesn't care for, without a whole lot of thought for what I would like.  I'd probably keep it in that case, as long as it was $50ish or less.

Without money/cheque involved, I wouldn't say anything to the regifter unless the card was for a particularly significant occasion.  Like if there was a personal note from Great Aunt Betty in honour of the regifter's wedding.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: crella on July 14, 2013, 04:22:00 PM
I personally think that returning the money is more important than the regifter realizing you know it's a re-gift. The thing in the box or bag (whatever it may be) is what the re-gifter gave you. I don't think it matters whether it's cash or a check or the amount of money, I really feel it should be returned. Keeping the money as sort of a 'gotcha' to the re-gifter just doesn't sit right.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: GLaDOS on July 14, 2013, 07:04:45 PM
To be honest, I'd keep the cash and not say anything about a check or a card, unless it was hidden or not easily visible, like a cookie jar filled with cookies, and there's a $100 in a baggie tucked in with them. Or taped to the bottom of a statuette or something. The person didn't care enough about the original gift to open it, or about what they're giving me to even repackage it, and thus I feel they've given up their claim to it.

 I guess I don't see it as a legitimate mistake, like a real gold bracelet that's got mixed in with costume jewelry.

 If I knew the original gifter, I'm torn about returning the money. On one hand, they've already given that money away and it's not theirs anymore. They may have given it with a specific use in mind, but if the original giftee was to immediately donate it to charity, spend it on whatever, or even burn it, it's really not their concern.   As well, there's the hurt that their gift was given away unopened and the thought that went into was wasted and unappreciated.

On the other hand, maybe getting their money back would help them reevaluate their gift-giving in the future and prevent future snafus like this.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Harriet Jones on July 14, 2013, 09:06:26 PM
I can kinda see where it might be a mistake, like where the card was originally on the outside of the package, but was then put inside  so that it wouldn't get lost. 


Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Shoo on July 14, 2013, 09:11:17 PM
The card with the money in it might have nothing to do with the present.  At a birthday party, I can see consolidating all the presents to transport them.  The card may have been inserted into the box and then left there unknowingly.  I'd give any money/check back to the gift giver.  If it's awkward, it's awkward, but I'm not keeping someone else's money.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: veronaz on July 14, 2013, 10:34:31 PM
It was abviously a mistake.  Give the card/check/cash back to the regifter..."I thought I sould return this to you".
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: MariaE on July 15, 2013, 02:23:16 AM
It was abviously a mistake.  Give the card/check/cash back to the regifter..."I thought I sould return this to you".

I agree. But then I see nothing wrong with regifts and don't find them rude at all (as long as they're still given with the recipient in mind - i.e. "This isn't to my taste, but I know it would be perfect for MariaE"), so that's probably colouring my perception.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Jocelyn on July 15, 2013, 11:07:12 PM
I have no problem with regifts,either, if the item is a desirable one that the 2nd recipient would want, but the 1st recipient has no need for. For example, my sister married right after one of our cousins, and Cousin invited her to take her pick out of a box of duplicate gifts Cousin had received. (it also allowed Cousin to give a nice gift even though she was financially strapped at the time!) I don't remember what all my sister got, but one item was a potato masher, and she also got some linens that were the 'wrong' color, Cousin being fond of pastels and my sister being fond of earth tones and dark colors.
This topic was sparked, though, by someone in another thread talking about receiving one of those 'what on earth is it/who on earth would want it?' regifts. ::)  Getting something you're glad to receive, I wouldn't mind it being a regift...but if it's clear that you're being given the Old Maid card, that's more of a tricky situation. ;D
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: gellchom on July 16, 2013, 03:18:35 PM
I would immediately give back the card and any check or money it contained to the person who gave me the book.

It wasn't intended for me; it belongs to the person who gave me the book.  It's the same as if they dropped it in my car or something; for me to keep it when I know perfectly well it belongs to them would be stealing -- from my friend, at that.  The fact that they regifted the book doesn't give me a free pass to keep what I know I only have by accident.

I don't see the big deal about regifting, either, and a book seems the most innocent of all.  Why assume that the thought process was, "Ugh, this book looks boring; I'll scrape it off on Lulu"?  It seems to me at least as likely, especially with a book that is very popular, that the giver was thinking, "Someone else already gave me a copy of this really good book.  I loved it, and I think Lulu would, too, and now I have a nice new copy I can give her as a gift."  Or, "I'd love to read this book everyone is talking about, but I want to give Lulu a nice birthday gift, and this book costs twice what I was going to be able to spend, so if I give her this one I've got a really nice gift for her, and I will just borrow a copy from the library to read myself."

But whether or not regifting is okay, I cannot see why the circumstance of a regift would give me license to keep someone else's card, let alone money.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Deetee on July 16, 2013, 03:37:03 PM
I would return any cash or cheque of course. It's not meant for me so keeping it would be stealing. I also have no problem with regifting if it an item with a modicum of thought behind it.

I had this kinda happen once and I just ignored it. I was given a bottle of wine and there was a card in the gift bag. I didn't notice the card until later and I just assumed they were reusing the bag, not the wine. It was a Christmas card (no cash) and it was months after Christmas and I didn't see the people who gave it to me on a regular basis so I just ignored it.

I wouldn't have minded if they were regifting the wine as it was a nice bottle. My main reason for not thinking it was a regift was that this couple always brings a nice bottle of wine when they come over and always serves nice wine at their house, so I figured they would have drunk the original bottle.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Lynn2000 on July 16, 2013, 03:51:03 PM
I don't mind regifts generally. Something that made it obvious something was a regift might give me a giggle but I don't think I'd say anything about it to the giver. Either it's a good gift for me, that happened to pass through someone else's hands first, or it's a thoughtless gift for me, that they had lying around instead of getting at the store fresh.

I'd keep the cash. Like GLaDOS says, if they didn't look at the thing closely enough to notice it, they give up their claim to it, IMO. This almost happened to me once, actually. I was given a book that I didn't want, so I took it to work and put it out on the table with a note saying, "Free, please take." No one had taken it by noon so I was glancing at it again as I ate lunch, and out fell a $5! Turned out the giver had stuck some cash in the pages for me. I shook the cash out and kept it, as it was originally meant for me and no one else had claimed the book yet; but, if someone had claimed it earlier and then told me they'd found cash in it, I would have laughed and said, "Lucky you! Keep it. I should look at things more closely!"

A check I would probably give back to whoever it was made out to, if possible, and with some discretion, but I wouldn't make up a story about finding it in some totally different place. They knew what they gave me was a regift, after all, no need to get awkward about it.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: fountainof on July 16, 2013, 04:10:29 PM
I would probably give the card and cash/cheque back to the giver as it would feel like bad luck to keep it.  I have no problem with getting or giving a regift as long as the recipient would like it and it was not used/stale/broken, etc.  For example, with wine I do it often as I don't drink much but have lots of places I could bring wine too so I regift it all the time.  I don't really even mind wine as a gift as I know I can take it along someone where I would bring a gift.  I also may regift chocolates if I just got too many and need to take something for a hostess gift.  I could easily see regifting a book.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: crella on July 16, 2013, 05:38:07 PM
You can't 'give up a claim to' something you don't know about. They deserve to be told.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Lynn2000 on July 16, 2013, 07:43:52 PM
You can't 'give up a claim to' something you don't know about. They deserve to be told.

I don't know if I agree. I feel like the person examined the item in the detail they wanted, decided they didn't want it, and gave it to someone else, all parts included. What if it was a book they didn't think they'd like so they gave it away without reading it, and then later they read a library copy and realize they love it? Do they get to go to the other person and say, "Hey, that book I gave you last year, can I have it back? I didn't know I would actually like it." I guess they can ask, but the other person has no obligation to give it back. Or say it's a super-duper Blu-Ray multiple movie boxed set, very expensive, and the original recipient is like, "Lord of the Rings? Lame-o," and they pass it on. And then they actually watch the movies somewhere else and love them, and decide they would like that fancy expensive boxed set after all. Too bad, that's the risk you took giving it away.

Maybe there's some wiggle room in an extreme case, like $500 tucked into a book. Or, I'm sure I've read a story about someone who got a gift in the mail from a relative, and at first glance it looked really lame and generic, like a scented bath product set (for those who don't like them), so they gave it away to someone else who would like it, rather than take it apart. Then the person who receives the regift takes it apart, and they find that the original giver has filled the basket under the products with something awesome and disguised it. (Which also points out the dangers of making your gift too tricky!) If I were the recipient of the regift I would tell the person who gave it to me about that.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Deetee on July 16, 2013, 08:14:41 PM
You can't 'give up a claim to' something you don't know about. They deserve to be told.

I don't know if I agree. I feel like the person examined the item in the detail they wanted, decided they didn't want it, and gave it to someone else, all parts included. What if it was a book they didn't think they'd like so they gave it away without reading it, and then later they read a library copy and realize they love it? Do they get to go to the other person and say, "Hey, that book I gave you last year, can I have it back? I didn't know I would actually like it." I guess they can ask, but the other person has no obligation to give it back. Or say it's a super-duper Blu-Ray multiple movie boxed set, very expensive, and the original recipient is like, "Lord of the Rings? Lame-o," and they pass it on. And then they actually watch the movies somewhere else and love them, and decide they would like that fancy expensive boxed set after all. Too bad, that's the risk you took giving it away.



To me, that is entirely different than a cheque or cash (regardless of the amount). It's not like most people look at $20 and go, "naah, it's an old bill. I only like new ones"
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Lynn2000 on July 16, 2013, 08:21:43 PM
You can't 'give up a claim to' something you don't know about. They deserve to be told.

I don't know if I agree. I feel like the person examined the item in the detail they wanted, decided they didn't want it, and gave it to someone else, all parts included. What if it was a book they didn't think they'd like so they gave it away without reading it, and then later they read a library copy and realize they love it? Do they get to go to the other person and say, "Hey, that book I gave you last year, can I have it back? I didn't know I would actually like it." I guess they can ask, but the other person has no obligation to give it back. Or say it's a super-duper Blu-Ray multiple movie boxed set, very expensive, and the original recipient is like, "Lord of the Rings? Lame-o," and they pass it on. And then they actually watch the movies somewhere else and love them, and decide they would like that fancy expensive boxed set after all. Too bad, that's the risk you took giving it away.



To me, that is entirely different than a cheque or cash (regardless of the amount). It's not like most people look at $20 and go, "naah, it's an old bill. I only like new ones"

LOL, that would be pretty crazy!  :D And then suddenly later they realize wrinkled twenties are just as valuable as new ones??

How about, "Can I have that necklace I gave you back? I thought it was a cheap thing, but now I realize it's real gold and stones." That to me is tacky. BUT... "Can I have that necklace I gave you back? Turns out it's a family heirloom," might work for me, if accompanied by apologies and so forth.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: crella on July 16, 2013, 08:37:00 PM
I'm afraid I have to disagree. We're talking about them overlooking a card with money in it, in a box or bag that they gave you. It is not that same at all as asking for a gift back. In this case they don't know that they gave you cash along with the gift they thought they were giving you. They don't know it's in there, so there is no conscious 'giving up of rights', that's voluntary, as in the idea of giving a book away and then asking for it  back. That IS giving up their right to it, and yes, it would be wrong to ask for or take it back.

However, you were given, say, a paper bag from a clothing store with a sweater in it that they glanced at, didn't like, but thought that you might. That's the 'contract', or their awareness of the situation. They gave you a sweater, not the sweater and the gift card (for whatever amount) that they didn't see at the bottom of the bag. If they had seen the gift card or cash, would they have used it? It's likely,but they can't make that decision without knowing about it. That's where I have a problem with the idea that they relinquished their rights to something. When they gave you the gift, and said something like 'Here's a sweater, I hope you like it' and you looked into the bag, you received a sweater. That was the 'deal', or your understanding when you received it. Did they know about 'all the parts included'?

I think you are morally bound to tell them you found the money. They most likely did not intend to give it to you. That's my two cents.

Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: crella on July 16, 2013, 08:39:29 PM
And if someone gave me a necklace, saying, 'Here's a necklace, it's costume jewelery' but I found out later that it's real? I would tell them. They were not aware, they did not make the choice to give me diamonds.

Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: GLaDOS on July 16, 2013, 09:01:57 PM
In this case they don't know that they gave you cash along with the gift they thought they were giving you.
However, you were given, say, a paper bag from a clothing store with a sweater in it that they glanced at, didn't like, but thought that you might. That's the 'contract', or their awareness of the situation.

I think that's a different circumstance. There, that's obviously something given with thought and a careless mistake, and you're right; it would be morally wrong to profit off of that.

I guess my example of keeping the money would be an obvious 'here this is stupid and apparently I have to give you a gift so you can have this. DONE WITH GIFTS" sort of regift. Not the "hey, I have this sweater I think you might like. let me find you a bag" sort.

For me it boils down to intention. If you're giving me something so it's out of your house with no regard as to whether it's useful to me or that I'll like it, and you don't care enough about the gift to flip through the book or take it out of its original wrapping paper/ bag/ packaging, that's not giving a gift. That's passing off your junk. It's a risk you take not being certain of what you're effectively throwing away.




Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: crella on July 16, 2013, 09:07:18 PM
I think my point, minus frills, was that they thought you were getting a sweater, the intention was not to give you the money/check too, not whether they thought you might like it, or they were getting rid of it. My MIL has given me utter cr*p in bags for years(items she has had for over 10 years, things that won't fit), but when I found a diamond necklace in a glove she gave me (she was famous for hiding things) I returned it.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Jocelyn on July 16, 2013, 09:42:12 PM
I would immediately give back the card and any check or money it contained to the person who gave me the book.

It wasn't intended for me; it belongs to the person who gave me the book.  It's the same as if they dropped it in my car or something; for me to keep it when I know perfectly well it belongs to them would be stealing -- from my friend, at that.  The fact that they regifted the book doesn't give me a free pass to keep what I know I only have by accident.

I don't see the big deal about regifting, either, and a book seems the most innocent of all.  Why assume that the thought process was, "Ugh, this book looks boring; I'll scrape it off on Lulu"?  It seems to me at least as likely, especially with a book that is very popular, that the giver was thinking, "Someone else already gave me a copy of this really good book.  I loved it, and I think Lulu would, too, and now I have a nice new copy I can give her as a gift."  Or, "I'd love to read this book everyone is talking about, but I want to give Lulu a nice birthday gift, and this book costs twice what I was going to be able to spend, so if I give her this one I've got a really nice gift for her, and I will just borrow a copy from the library to read myself."

But whether or not regifting is okay, I cannot see why the circumstance of a regift would give me license to keep someone else's card, let alone money.
I'm not sure how you got the idea that the gift was a book, as that wasn't one of the examples I gave.  The original post that inspired this thread was talking about a wedding gift of the marginally useful kind.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: gellchom on July 16, 2013, 10:30:30 PM
I would immediately give back the card and any check or money it contained to the person who gave me the book.

It wasn't intended for me; it belongs to the person who gave me the book.  It's the same as if they dropped it in my car or something; for me to keep it when I know perfectly well it belongs to them would be stealing -- from my friend, at that.  The fact that they regifted the book doesn't give me a free pass to keep what I know I only have by accident.

I don't see the big deal about regifting, either, and a book seems the most innocent of all.  Why assume that the thought process was, "Ugh, this book looks boring; I'll scrape it off on Lulu"?  It seems to me at least as likely, especially with a book that is very popular, that the giver was thinking, "Someone else already gave me a copy of this really good book.  I loved it, and I think Lulu would, too, and now I have a nice new copy I can give her as a gift."  Or, "I'd love to read this book everyone is talking about, but I want to give Lulu a nice birthday gift, and this book costs twice what I was going to be able to spend, so if I give her this one I've got a really nice gift for her, and I will just borrow a copy from the library to read myself."

But whether or not regifting is okay, I cannot see why the circumstance of a regift would give me license to keep someone else's card, let alone money.
I'm not sure how you got the idea that the gift was a book, as that wasn't one of the examples I gave.  The original post that inspired this thread was talking about a wedding gift of the marginally useful kind.

Lol, I'm not sure where I got it, either!

But anyway, you can imagine analogous situations with other types of gifts.  More important, whatever the gift, I still think that its being a regift -- even if it is the bad kind -- doesn't make it okay to keep the card, money, or anything else you know wasn't really intended for you.   It's still stealing. 

If a rude cashier accidentally gave you too much change, would you think it is okay to keep it because the cashier had been rude?  Of course not.  Whatever we think of regifting to a friend, surely we can agree that stealing from one is worse.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Lynn2000 on July 16, 2013, 10:52:07 PM
For me it boils down to intention. If you're giving me something so it's out of your house with no regard as to whether it's useful to me or that I'll like it, and you don't care enough about the gift to flip through the book or take it out of its original wrapping paper/ bag/ packaging, that's not giving a gift. That's passing off your junk. It's a risk you take not being certain of what you're effectively throwing away.

I guess this is how I was thinking of it, too. I certainly don't think all regifting is done with this kind of thought process, but that's the situation I was imagining, that someone was turning up their nose at something and shoving it off on me without paying much attention to it. If it turns out to be/contain something they would have noticed and valued if they'd treated the gift with consideration, well, they might just lose it.

Like I said, I've almost been on the other side of this, and if someone had claimed the book I didn't want and found the cash in it, I would have laughed at myself for being careless and told them to keep it. I grant you, it wasn't more than $10; maybe if we were talking "a lot" of money I would feel differently. So, that's what I'm going by.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: fountainof on July 17, 2013, 10:57:32 AM
For me it is really hard to separate the karma from the etiquette.  I think it is really bad karma to take something you know was not intended for you and while you can justify why it should be yours and I am not sure if it is rude to do so, I would think it major bad luck and never keep it.  I do think if your need to justify it then it probably isn't the right thing to do.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Sophia on July 17, 2013, 11:05:09 AM
For me, it would depend on how much thought had been behind the re-gift. 

If it was "I got this gift that I don't want.  I will set it aside for the next time I need a gift."  Then later, "I need a gift for Sophia.  Ooh, there is something on my regift shelf.  That chore is done."

 - Then, I am keeping anything that is included. 

If it was "I got this gift I don't like.  But, Sophia will LOVE it." 

 - Then I would return anything I could. 

I think it is really easy to tell the difference.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Outdoor Girl on July 17, 2013, 12:14:36 PM
For me, it would depend on how much thought had been behind the re-gift. 

If it was "I got this gift that I don't want.  I will set it aside for the next time I need a gift."  Then later, "I need a gift for Sophia.  Ooh, there is something on my regift shelf.  That chore is done."

 - Then, I am keeping anything that is included. 

If it was "I got this gift I don't like.  But, Sophia will LOVE it." 

 - Then I would return anything I could. 

I think it is really easy to tell the difference.

I agree completely.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Jocelyn on July 17, 2013, 06:41:27 PM


If a rude cashier accidentally gave you too much change, would you think it is okay to keep it because the cashier had been rude?  Of course not.  Whatever we think of regifting to a friend, surely we can agree that stealing from one is worse.

Well, friend vs. stranger matters. For example, if I bought something at a bakery, and found it was undercooked and disgusting when I cut into it, I wouldn't feel at all bad about taking it back. If a friend gave me badly baked pastry, I wouldn't dream of telling her it was awful. I'd figure that she'd probably kept some for herself, and had already discovered her mistake, and was probably mortified imagining she'd given me bad stuff. Even if she asked, I'd say that it was fine- that happens sometimes when you're baking, some comes out OK, some doesn't.

I think we all agree that there's nothing awkward about giving someone something we've been given if it is a desirable object and the recipient will enjoy it. The awkwardness is when you open the gift and your first thought is 'Why on EARTH did she think I'd want THIS?' and then you realize that a possible reason is that she didn't think you'd want it, so much as a) she didn't want it and b) she owed you a gift and now she's gotten off the hook cheaply. It's the latter situation where there's an awkwardness in acknowledging that you know it's a regift, because the giver now knows that you know her reason.  And that was the original question- and I'm glad that several Ehellions pointed out the obvious option I hadn't thought of, of pretending that you found the card somewhere other than inside the gift's wrapping.  The giver may be able to figure out that you'd found it inside the package, but they can save face this way.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: violetminnow on July 17, 2013, 08:49:52 PM
I think it is really bad karma to take something you know was not intended for you

If you went by this, you would have to return any regift to the giver. The item that the check/cash is attached to was also not intended for you.

If it was me, I would shred a check and keep the cash.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: crella on July 17, 2013, 09:55:46 PM
I think it is really bad karma to take something you know was not intended for you

If you went by this, you would have to return any regift to the giver. The item that the check/cash is attached to was also not intended for you.

If it was me, I would shred a check and keep the cash.

I don't think the original giver has permanent strings on a gift, that make regifting it to someone else wrong. 

The intent of the regifter was to give you the gift in the bag or box, not the card they didn't see in said bag or box.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: gellchom on July 17, 2013, 10:14:51 PM
I think it is really bad karma to take something you know was not intended for you

If you went by this, you would have to return any regift to the giver. The item that the check/cash is attached to was also not intended for you.

If it was me, I would shred a check and keep the cash.

I agree with crella.  Once a gift is -- intentionally! -- given to someone, it is theirs to do with what they like -- keep it, sell it, share it, regift it, or throw it away.  At that point, it's the "secondary giver's" intention that matters, not the original giver's (anyway, that person's intention was to transfer all rights to dispose of the item to your friend). 

But when you get something by mistake, even if the person who gave it to you didn't know it was there, it isn't rightfully yours, and to keep it is indeed stealing.  In addition, you are preventing your friend from knowing that the previous giver even gave it to them at all, a disservice to both of them.

If your friend gave you a jacket of hers that she didn't want anymore, and you found money or a watch or a scarf in the pocket, surely you'd know that keeping it would be stealing -- even a card, you'd return.  Well, property unintentionally included in a regift is exactly the same thing.  Any etiquette violation or insult from the regifting doesn't change your duty to return it.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: crella on July 17, 2013, 11:16:08 PM
Well said!
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Deetee on July 18, 2013, 11:36:50 AM
For me, it would depend on how much thought had been behind the re-gift. 

If it was "I got this gift that I don't want.  I will set it aside for the next time I need a gift."  Then later, "I need a gift for Sophia.  Ooh, there is something on my regift shelf.  That chore is done."

 - Then, I am keeping anything that is included. 

If it was "I got this gift I don't like.  But, Sophia will LOVE it." 

 - Then I would return anything I could. 

I think it is really easy to tell the difference.

I agree completely.

And I disagree completely. I don't think whether the gift was thoughtful or not changes the fundamental issue that the cash gift was not meant to be handed on. To me, the rude actions of the giver does not absolve me of the moral culpability of taking something that is not mine.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: lowspark on July 18, 2013, 01:32:12 PM
Anyone who felt me enough of a friend to give me a gift, any gift, well, I just can't imagine that I would think so little of that friendship that I would keep the card & money. I'd give it back to them and laugh about it. I'd probaby say something like "I bet you didn't mean to give me this part of the gift" and laugh. I mean, regifting is something that is pretty common and honestly I don't see anything wrong with it at all.

I'm not sure how to make this sound right but the fact that they missed the card just shows what pristine condition the gift is in. They didn't even open the box or dig into the bag or whatever. They saw it was something they didn't want and apparently thought it was something I would want and gave it to me. I, on the other hand, apparently did like it enough to dig far enough into the package to find the card.

I don't understand not giving it back. Especially those who are attributing not-so-nice motives to the gift giver. If you feel that way about someone who is giving you a gift, why accept the gift at all? And why are you friends with that person, friends enough to be giving each other gifts?
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: MariaE on July 18, 2013, 01:53:27 PM
I agree with Deetee and lowspark. I'm honestly surprised this is even up for debate - seems pretty clear-cut to me.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: siamesecat2965 on July 18, 2013, 02:38:12 PM
For me, it would depend on how much thought had been behind the re-gift. 

If it was "I got this gift that I don't want.  I will set it aside for the next time I need a gift."  Then later, "I need a gift for Sophia.  Ooh, there is something on my regift shelf.  That chore is done."

 - Then, I am keeping anything that is included. 

If it was "I got this gift I don't like.  But, Sophia will LOVE it." 

 - Then I would return anything I could. 

I think it is really easy to tell the difference.

I agree with this. My cousin is not the best gift giver; One year, all of my Christmas gifts were regifts; and not even wrapped! She had been deployed, and I was stopping by her house to feed her cats, and she told me she had left my gifts in x spot. Which turned out to be items she had plucked from her closet and drawers, as they were not my taste, but hers, and still had the tags on them. And along with them, in the same spot, was a GC to a store she had worked at, and was more her taste than mine. But nothing to indicate how much was on it, and it looked “worn” – how some credit and gift cards get scuffed and scratched after hanging around for a while?

I was never 100% sure if that was meant to be part of my gift or not, but it never mattered since when I called to find out the balance, it was $0. Knowing her, my guess is she found it when she was putting my gifts together, and either threw it in, or it got in by mistake, and had no idea it had been used already. Had there been anything on it, I would have kept it, assuming it was meant for me. it sort of fit with the “theme” of the rest of her gifts.

Now, if it  were something someone regifted to me, knowing they didn’t care for it but knew full well I would, say a nice cookbook, when they didn’t cook, but I do, and there was a gift card say to a store to purchase something to go with it in there, I would return it. or at least question whether they meant for me to have that as well. If it were clear it was for them, and the giver didn’t put it in for me.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: Lynn2000 on July 18, 2013, 04:33:18 PM
Anyone who felt me enough of a friend to give me a gift, any gift, well, I just can't imagine that I would think so little of that friendship that I would keep the card & money. I'd give it back to them and laugh about it. I'd probaby say something like "I bet you didn't mean to give me this part of the gift" and laugh. I mean, regifting is something that is pretty common and honestly I don't see anything wrong with it at all.

I'm not sure how to make this sound right but the fact that they missed the card just shows what pristine condition the gift is in. They didn't even open the box or dig into the bag or whatever. They saw it was something they didn't want and apparently thought it was something I would want and gave it to me. I, on the other hand, apparently did like it enough to dig far enough into the package to find the card.

I don't understand not giving it back. Especially those who are attributing not-so-nice motives to the gift giver. If you feel that way about someone who is giving you a gift, why accept the gift at all? And why are you friends with that person, friends enough to be giving each other gifts?

Just to address this point, if it's a "friend," then yeah, probably there should indeed be a "friendly" relationship there such that one would automatically assume the best about the person's intentions. But, I think a lot of people are faced with "obligatory gifts"--like the whole extended family gets together every year to exchange gifts and it's expected everyone will buy for everyone else, even when you don't really know them that well. Or maybe it's a group of friends, and the core group know each other well, but as SOs have been added in over the years you get people who don't know each other as well, and may not be as invested in figuring out exactly what someone else would like. I'm sure there are lots of other situations where people are exchanging gifts with someone they don't actually know that well, and whose motives may be more obligatory than thoughtful.

And to be honest, some people would see no difference in how they approach that person's gift. And some people would. And I guess the question is really, "No matter what you think of the person or their gift, what is the minimum polite behavior you must exhibit in response?"
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: rose red on July 18, 2013, 05:06:08 PM
I would return it because the original giver deserves credit and maybe it's not too late for a thank you for them. 

For a friend or casual acquaintance, I would say something like "I think this got accidentally mixed up in the gift" so they can save face.  For one of my evil family members who give because of family obligations, I would enjoy giving it back to them to see their face >:D.  I wouldn't be too mean, but just a simple "This was in the box and I figure you may want this back" is enough.  (ETA: I do not think regifting is wrong.  I do it myself.  I just have relatives who look down on my family and always bragging about how rich and generous they are even thought they are cheep in reality.  We were once re-gifted with a box of chocolate with two pieces missing.  That story has become family legend.)
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: violetminnow on July 18, 2013, 05:14:28 PM
I've never gotten a regifted item that was to my taste or of value. I've only gotten items that were clearly given to me because the intended recipient didn't like them and didn't want to throw them away for themselves. Think old bath products (I hate perfume), freebies from cosmetic counters, ugly figurines, etc.

I really doubt that someone who thoughtfully looked at a gift and decided that a friend would love it, would be careless enough to not open it. Not to mention I was raised to always look for a card first, opening a gift without reading the card was unspeakably rude.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: rose red on July 18, 2013, 05:18:00 PM
I really doubt that someone who thoughtfully looked at a gift and decided that a friend would love it, would be careless enough to not open it. Not to mention I was raised to always look for a card first, opening a gift without reading the card was unspeakably rude.

Sometimes money or a gift card is taped somewhere other than the card, like in the back of a photo frame.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: siamesecat2965 on July 19, 2013, 11:18:37 AM
I've never gotten a regifted item that was to my taste or of value. I've only gotten items that were clearly given to me because the intended recipient didn't like them and didn't want to throw them away for themselves. Think old bath products (I hate perfume), freebies from cosmetic counters, ugly figurines, etc.

I really doubt that someone who thoughtfully looked at a gift and decided that a friend would love it, would be careless enough to not open it. Not to mention I was raised to always look for a card first, opening a gift without reading the card was unspeakably rude.

Yes, this first part is exactly how my cousin's gifts I mentioned upthread were. One was a pack of body wash you could buy in any drugstore, which is fine, but I know her well enough to know she wouldn't have spent the $$ to buy it for me, so it had to be sometning she was re-gifting. Which I promptly GAVE, not regifted to another friend, asking if she'd use it, since I wasn't going to.

the second part, yes too. In the past, when I've re-gifted something I didn't care for or couldn't use, I was very careful to make sure nothing was left on it that identified it was being a re-gift. I think in cases where something is left behind, it says to me that the giver couldn't be bothered and just gave it.
Title: Re: Regifted
Post by: lowspark on July 22, 2013, 08:18:42 AM
Anyone who felt me enough of a friend to give me a gift, any gift, well, I just can't imagine that I would think so little of that friendship that I would keep the card & money. I'd give it back to them and laugh about it. I'd probaby say something like "I bet you didn't mean to give me this part of the gift" and laugh. I mean, regifting is something that is pretty common and honestly I don't see anything wrong with it at all.

I'm not sure how to make this sound right but the fact that they missed the card just shows what pristine condition the gift is in. They didn't even open the box or dig into the bag or whatever. They saw it was something they didn't want and apparently thought it was something I would want and gave it to me. I, on the other hand, apparently did like it enough to dig far enough into the package to find the card.

I don't understand not giving it back. Especially those who are attributing not-so-nice motives to the gift giver. If you feel that way about someone who is giving you a gift, why accept the gift at all? And why are you friends with that person, friends enough to be giving each other gifts?

Just to address this point, if it's a "friend," then yeah, probably there should indeed be a "friendly" relationship there such that one would automatically assume the best about the person's intentions. But, I think a lot of people are faced with "obligatory gifts"--like the whole extended family gets together every year to exchange gifts and it's expected everyone will buy for everyone else, even when you don't really know them that well. Or maybe it's a group of friends, and the core group know each other well, but as SOs have been added in over the years you get people who don't know each other as well, and may not be as invested in figuring out exactly what someone else would like. I'm sure there are lots of other situations where people are exchanging gifts with someone they don't actually know that well, and whose motives may be more obligatory than thoughtful.

And to be honest, some people would see no difference in how they approach that person's gift. And some people would. And I guess the question is really, "No matter what you think of the person or their gift, what is the minimum polite behavior you must exhibit in response?"

Obligatory gifts, yeah, I can see that. And yeah, I know that not everyone's motives are pure when giving a gift. What matters more to me is my own motivation. And to keep something I know isn't meant to be for me is not something I would be comfortable doing.

I've never gotten a regifted item that was to my taste or of value. I've only gotten items that were clearly given to me because the intended recipient didn't like them and didn't want to throw them away for themselves. Think old bath products (I hate perfume), freebies from cosmetic counters, ugly figurines, etc.

I really doubt that someone who thoughtfully looked at a gift and decided that a friend would love it, would be careless enough to not open it. Not to mention I was raised to always look for a card first, opening a gift without reading the card was unspeakably rude.

And yeah, I agree, not looking through the gift for a card before passing it on can be interpreted as being rude. But again, it's my own behavior that I have to decide upon and live with.