Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Dating => Topic started by: sparkplug on August 08, 2013, 09:19:20 PM

Title: Stood Up
Post by: sparkplug on August 08, 2013, 09:19:20 PM
So tonight I've been stood up. I recently joined an online dating site and exchanged a few messages with a guy who seemed like a good match. On Monday night he asked me if I would be interested in meeting up for a drink Thursday night. Tuesday, I responded back that I'm free and gave him my phone number so he could call or text me with a time and place. Yesterday, he replied back that he would call me today to work out the details. I never got the call, and I turned down two invites out with friends tonight because I had agreed to go out with him.

It's now after 7 and I'm seething. Looking at his profile, he was last on the site at 4 pm this afternoon, so I don't think he forgot about our plans. How hard is it to call someone or send a one-line message saying you can't make it tonight? What should I do? The mature adult side of me says to ignore it, but I also want to make it known that this was not okay. Is it too snarky to send a message that reads "Thanks for wasting my time tonight."?
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: gramma dishes on August 08, 2013, 09:23:23 PM
I wouldn't.  It would just boost his ego instead of making him feel bad.  Just mark him off the "potential" list.  He's not worth your time or one tiny iota of space in your brain.

Is it too late to catch up with your friends?
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: Miss Unleaded on August 09, 2013, 05:07:22 AM
...
 How hard is it to call someone or send a one-line message saying you can't make it tonight? What should I do? The mature adult side of me says to ignore it, but I also want to make it known that this was not okay. Is it too snarky to send a message that reads "Thanks for wasting my time tonight."?

Don't ignore it, but also don't message him about it either. Personally I'd block his account and forget about him.  If someone can't be bothered to keep a first date, when they're supposed to making their best impression, it doesn't bode well for future prospects.  Be grateful he's showing you what a disrepectful boor he is so early on in the acquaintance and move on to other men who are more considerate of your time.
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: VorFemme on August 09, 2013, 09:26:14 AM
Unless he contacts you about a car accident that destroyed his cell phone - or stranded him in an area with NO cell phone service - he is NOT going to get a second chance.
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: Virg on August 09, 2013, 10:31:18 AM
I agree with the spirit of VorFemme's post.  I'd suggest not responding in any way, but I wouldn't block him just yet, because there are actually a few legitimate reasons that could excuse him.  For an example, if you found out your mom was injured in an accident, wouldn't it take a little while for "oh, shoot, I stood up that person I met on that dating site" to rise to the top of your priority list?

I'd leave him unblocked but unanswered for a few days, and if he comes back to you then you can judge his excuse.  If he doesn't respond in a few days, then Miss Unleaded is probably right so block him and be done.

Virg
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: Outdoor Girl on August 09, 2013, 11:09:14 AM
I agree with Virg.  Just in case it was an emergency.

I stood someone up once.  But I did call him to tell him why.  My hot water heater had failed and I had an appointment the day of the date to get it fixed.  The repair guy was supposed to be there by 4:00 so I figured the heater would be fixed, I could have a shower after work and still make a 7:00 coffee date.

The guy didn't show up until after 4:30 and was then rude, condescending and lied to me.  He didn't leave until after 5:00; I had to wait a bit for the water to heat up so I could take my shower and I was in a VERY BAD MOOD.  Lying to me will do that.

So I phoned and left a message that my water heater repair didn't go as planned and that I wouldn't be very good company.  I suggested a couple of other times for rescheduling.  He did call me back and we went on the date.  There was even a second date but it didn't pan out beyond that.
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: nonesuch4 on August 09, 2013, 01:57:06 PM
A fellow stood me up.  When I got home, there was an email explaining that he'd rekindled a former relationship.

He had canceled the first two meetings at the last minute.  this shouldn't have been a surprise, but it was.

We did get into a nasty email fight.  I don't recommend doing that.  I don't ordinarily diagnose mental illness at a distance, (I'm not in that field, either) but when I suggested he might apologize for wasting my time, and he wrote, "This is harassment. Contact me again and I'll call the police, " I think, "narcissist." 

I would delete all emails from him, as it's just a nasty reminder of his pill-like behavior.  And then do nothing.  He may write with an excuse that will move you, but I wouldn't hold my breath, and I wouldn't reschedule unless he offered and made a convincing case. 

Unfortunately, some are not up for actual human contact.  It's not personal.  That's what I'm telling myself these days.
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: mime on August 09, 2013, 05:47:26 PM
I stood someone up once. One morning in college, he asked me out to dinner. We planned to meet up after my evening lab.
When my lab ended, my very recent ex-BF was waiting outside the door for me, and it turned into a big re-hash-the-breakup discussion, and it went well into the evening (yeah, I had no spine back then).

The next morning in class, I had to face the guy I stood up. FWIW, I apologized and gave him a short explanation. I felt awful-- I knew it was a horrible excuse.

Luckily for me, that must have been good enough for him. After some friendly-snarky comment about having Mexican food all by himself, he was sympathetic and he asked me out again. He met me outside my next lab himself. Now, we've been married for 17 years.  :D

The guy who stood you up may have a reason, and he should have an apology. It may or may not be 'good enough' for you. At least give him a chance to offer it.
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: Angel B. on August 09, 2013, 09:24:43 PM
POD to everyone.

Just let it be for now, see if he gives an excuse. Judge it if he does. If not, move on...there are better guys out there who WON'T stand you up!
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: Samgirl2 on August 12, 2013, 02:04:26 PM
Just ignore. He's not worth the time spent emailing him, and what response would you hope to get? If he had a real excuse he should have let you know by now and he hasn't. Therefore he isn't worth it and any response from him would just carry things further when you should be crossing him off and shouting 'next!'.

Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: Winterlight on August 15, 2013, 10:35:34 AM
Did he ever contact you?
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: sparkplug on August 16, 2013, 06:48:58 PM
Did he ever contact you?

Nope, no contact.
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: Outdoor Girl on August 16, 2013, 07:28:38 PM
Well, that makes your 'What to do' decision easy.  Bacon-fed knave...  ::)
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: veronaz on August 16, 2013, 07:49:53 PM
To me, "stood up" = making specific arrangements and the other person didn't show up at the agreed time and place.  No show, no call.

You never actually had a date.

This is more a case of a guy promising to call and not doing it. He didn't follow up, so I'd move on and if he ever does call, "not interested, buhbye".  Click.

Don't bother sending him a message.
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: bloo on August 18, 2013, 01:00:04 PM
If this doesn't meet the exact definition of being stood up, then it's unfortunate that OP passed on other plans with out firmer plans in place with this guy.

I would've assumed, though, that he couldn't call me and would have tried to send a message that I waited for him and hope he's okay. Then I'd mentally put him on the back burner while I pondered other options (people). The reason I say that is I generally don't assume bad motive about someone until they've actually shown me that they have bad motives.

I may have posted this on E-hell before, but 20 years ago when I was bartending, one of my coworkers asked me and another coworker if she did something wrong. She explained that she was stood up by this guy, so she got mad, broke into his house and put cat poop on his bed. Later, she found out that he was in a car accident and still in the hospital.

She concluded, "Now I feel kinda bad. Did I do something wrong?"

I was 20 and all goggle-eyed, when my 37 yo coworker said, "No, I think you're fine. How could you have known he was in an accident?"

Stunned at both of them, I went off on them about how terrible that was and basically how lucky the guy would be to know what type of person she was.

They both looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language and said something that sounded like, "Interesting." 

Now, is it more likely that he flaked on OP as opposed to it not being possible to contact OP? Probably. But I still think it's better to assume the best about people.

Of course, in our family and milieu of friends and associates we take a strict view of dating. This means that a man or woman (in our religion) already has references as to someone's character before dating them. So there really is no 'blind dating'. So my opinion is just guessing on what I'd do/feel in the given situation. 
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: Raintree on August 18, 2013, 05:24:08 PM
To me, "stood up" = making specific arrangements and the other person didn't show up at the agreed time and place.  No show, no call.

You never actually had a date.

I disagree. "Let's go out for drinks Thursday night" sounds pretty definite to me, even if you haven't decided what time and where. If I had said yes to meeting up for drinks on a specific night, I would not then turn around and make plans with other people, and if someone did that to me I would assume they were flaky and not all that interested in meeting.  So IMO the OP did actually have a date (or at least "plans" if a first meeting isn't called a date).
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: veronaz on August 18, 2013, 07:22:02 PM
Excluding an emergency (death in family, serious illness/accident, etc.), when a guy alludes to getting together “soon, Thursday night, this weekend,‘ etc. and says he’ll call then doesn’t, he’s just not that interested and/or used OP as a backup (probably one of several).  In retrospect, I'm not sure the terminology/label matters that much.  The outcome is the same - he didn't come thru.

While I understand the disappointment, I got the impression OP and this guy had never even met.  The OP asked about sending him a "Thanks for wasting my time" message. I say "No", move on.
Title: Re: Stood Up
Post by: Raintree on August 19, 2013, 04:55:57 AM
Excluding an emergency (death in family, serious illness/accident, etc.), when a guy alludes to getting together “soon, Thursday night, this weekend,‘ etc. and says he’ll call then doesn’t, he’s just not that interested and/or used OP as a backup (probably one of several).  In retrospect, I'm not sure the terminology/label matters that much.  The outcome is the same - he didn't come thru.

While I understand the disappointment, I got the impression OP and this guy had never even met.  The OP asked about sending him a "Thanks for wasting my time" message. I say "No", move on.

I agree with this completely. It's just that I also think that agreeing to get together "Thursday" followed by a text saying, "I'll call you the day of, to work out details" constitutes and agreement to set aside the evening to get together. So the OP rightly turned down other plans, and then was stood up. I agree that she should chalk this up to plain old inconsiderate behaviour and move on, though I also wouldn't fault her for sending a brief note stating that perhaps in future, he might consider letting the person know if he needed to cancel, so that the other person can make other plans.