Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: lkdrymom on August 19, 2013, 06:05:35 PM

Title: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on August 19, 2013, 06:05:35 PM
Let me just start off by saying the word 'ettiquette' is not in the vocabulary of anyone on my father's side of the family.  With that in mind, how do I handle the following situation?

In two weeks my father's great-great nephew will be baptized. My father received an invitation, I did not. I am not upset by this. While I would have gone if invited, not being invited does save me money and an entire day away from home and getting things done.  Here is the problem, my father is 86, if I am not invited he can't go. It is a 50 mile drive from his home and he only drives to the grocery store when absolutely necessary.

My father really wants to go but since I did not receive and invite he has no way there. He ended up calling his nephew asking why I was not invited (as I said, not in the vocabulary).  Nephew said the 'kids' must have assumed his invitation was for me too. I don't live with my father and the kids are pushing 30 so they should know better. Another week goes by and my father asks me again and I tell, no I have not received an invitation so he does another call to his nephew who insists I am invited but the story now is that an invitation was mailed and I never received it. His nephew is not the host of the party, nephew's son and DIL so I don't think it correct that he is issuing invites on their behalf. My father kept insisting I call my cousin...sorry not my cousin's call to make and I am not calling to fish for an invite.  I assumed that since they knew I never got an invite they might send out another...but so far nothing.  My father is whining that this is f-a-m-i-l-y and I should go.

I realize I may sound stubborn on this but I do have my reasons. A few years back I was told my family was invited to a picnic at my cousin's place. The invite was through my father.  My father did not get all the important information and we showed up at the picnic 2 hours before it was to start (and we were hour later than my father said it started). So I swore after that I would only accept invites that came directly to me and not through my father.

I am having lunch with my father later this week and he is going to bug me about it again. As far as I am concerned I have not been invited and at this point if I do get one I kind of feel like I am only being invited so my father has a ride. Am I being too stubborn?  How should I handle?
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: DottyG on August 19, 2013, 06:10:51 PM
In this case, I think your option is to go - invitation or not.  It sounds like the family (even if gg-nephew is the one that's saying it) isn't having a problem with it.  And the only way your father can go is if you take him.

If it's a baptism, it's not like there's a problem with numbers, is there?  It'd be in a church, so there'd be room for you to sit there with your father.

If you do get invited now, don't think about the whys and wherefores (ie, just so your father has a ride).  Just go and enjoy it.

Quote
So I swore after that I would only accept invites that came directly to me and not through my father.

I understand why you were frustrated with the prior event.  But I think you need to stop thinking about it and just go with the situation at hand now.  In that, you might be a little stubborn right now.
 
 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: TheaterDiva1 on August 19, 2013, 06:13:31 PM
Your father seriously has no other way of getting there?  Public transportation?  Other relatives living nearby? (They're faaaamily - they'll help out, right?) I don't blame you for not accepting invites through him - if you help his find another way to get there, maybe he'll lay off the invitation issue.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: CaffeineKatie on August 19, 2013, 06:18:56 PM
I'm sorry--given your father's situation, I think you are using etiquette as a club to snub your relatives. 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: ------ on August 19, 2013, 06:19:12 PM
I don't blame you at all for not wanting to go. I wouldn't either.

I doubt the world will come to an end if either you or your father aren't there. If it's that important to your father, he will make arrangements to get there. If it's that important that you be there, your cousins will see to it that you receive an actual invitation. Or, are you expected to act solely as a chauffeur and wait in the car while your father goes to the baptism and then any reception afterward? Sorry, but after my recent experiences with my own family, I wouldn't put anything past anyone.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on August 19, 2013, 06:21:47 PM
We don't live in an area that has public transportation and all the relatives involved live in South Jersey where the event is held....we are in Central Jersey. It would be a 100 mile round trip to come and get him and another one to bring him home.

Yes they do need a head count as there is a luncheon afterwards.  And I really don't feel comfortable going to an event that I haven't actually been invited to. 

I am not trying to snub my relatives...is it too much to ask for an actual invitation?  I managed to get one to their wedding so they must have my correct address.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: shhh its me on August 19, 2013, 06:21:56 PM
  I think this is one of the situation were you can call your would it be first cousin?  ( the parent of the people actually hosting) and ask.

I do think people who always travel with a caregiver implies a plus + for the caregiver (ie people who have nurses)  and in some circumstances the elder , my grandfather for example suffered from glaucoma and was blind in his 80s he needed someone to help him eat , take him to use the restroom ect. and of course drive him.  it was too late in life to expect him to learn how to pay for a cab, find a bus stop or figure out even what food was on his plate on his own.  while he wasn't invited to a lot of formal events(red none) everyone know his son would be accompanying him.   So i think you can ask if you or someone else to drive him was included.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: NyaChan on August 19, 2013, 06:26:33 PM
The hosts are now on notice that you do not consider yourself to have been invited and yet neither one of them have bothered to pick up a phone and extend a proper invitation to you.  That tells me that you either weren't invited in the beginning or they don't care enough to bother.  I wouldn't attend unless they call or speak to me themselves about it.  I get that your father depends on you for transportation usually, but you truly aren't his only way of getting there.  Let the all important Family step up to give him a ride - in fact I would suggest it to your father yourself that he see if he can ride with someone else since you have not actually been invited and are unable to drop him off and pick him up yourself.  This will put the onus on them to figure out whether or not they actually want to invite you as I doubt they'll be willing to go to the effort of getting your father there themselves.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: cass2591 on August 19, 2013, 06:27:41 PM
You know your father wants to go and you're his only mode of transportation. You also said you would go if you'd gotten and invitation but since you didn't, no loss.  But your father wants to go and he's 86.

You also know darned well that the lack of invitation is more due to their cluelessness and lack of etiquette know how than being malicious, so I don't understand this "fishing for an invitation". I know it's not kosher but I would just call and tell them I'm bringing dad.

So, are you more concerned with etiquette technicalities or your father's wishes? Which is more important, especially when you know there is no ill will intended, or if there is, you didn't mention it.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on August 19, 2013, 06:39:28 PM
You also know darned well that the lack of invitation is more due to their cluelessness and lack of etiquette know how than being malicious, so I don't understand this "fishing for an invitation". I know it's not kosher but I would just call and tell them I'm bringing dad.

So because my father is elderly and wants to go, good manners should just be tossed out the window? I cannot stress enough how uncomfortable I would be to attend this event without an actual invitation.

The hosts are now on notice that you do not consider yourself to have been invited and yet neither one of them have bothered to pick up a phone and extend a proper invitation to you.  That tells me that you either weren't invited in the beginning or they don't care enough to bother

This is it exactly. Maybe they are more 'relaxed' about this than I am...but that doesn't make how I feel wrong.  I am facebook friends with father of the child, if it is too much trouble to actually mail an invite he could contact me there.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: misha412 on August 19, 2013, 06:56:50 PM
So, because you didn't get a formal written invitation, you are not going to take your father to a family event that he wants to attend. Okay, I understand feeling left out when the invite is not extended directly to you (a fully functional adult) instead of through a parent.

You need to contact the parents or grandparents of the baby and ask who is coming up to get your father so he can attend. If you are your father's main source of transport for such events, you need to make sure that he has safe transportation back and forth. There is no reason he should not have to forego attendance just because you didn't received an invitation. Why should he suffer due to their etiquette faux pas?

If the parents or grandparents of the baby, say that "of course, you are invited," you can say "I didn't get a formal invitation so I am not coming. Now, who is coming up and getting Dad?" This will allow you to make sure your Dad enjoys the family event and you do not have to attend an event to which you were not formally invited. Everyone is happy.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: doodlemor on August 19, 2013, 06:58:03 PM
 the word 'ettiquette' is not in the vocabulary of anyone on my father's side of the family

Maybe the nephew that your father called never bothered to check this with his son.  I can imagine your cousin carelessly telling your dad something like, "I'm sure that they mailed an invitation - it was probably lost in the mail."  Perhaps something like that was said and your dad extrapolated it as fact.  As you implied, they are a clueless bunch.

Your dad is 86, and really wants to see his family.  I think that it would be nice if you figured out some way that he could go.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: cass2591 on August 19, 2013, 06:58:35 PM
I'm just stating my opinion tossed in with what I would do in your shoes. Yes, it's solely based on your father's wish to attend and your own admission of his side of the family's total lack of etiquette knowledge.

I understand completely not wanting to show up at an event where a head count is needed, but it sounds to me like this was more of an oversight than anything else. I would just call. What's your point by denying your dad this pleasure other than teaching the family a lesson they won't even pick up on? I'm sorry, I just don't get it so to answer your question, in this case yes, I think you're being stubborn.


Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Zizi-K on August 19, 2013, 07:08:07 PM
You also know darned well that the lack of invitation is more due to their cluelessness and lack of etiquette know how than being malicious, so I don't understand this "fishing for an invitation". I know it's not kosher but I would just call and tell them I'm bringing dad.

So because my father is elderly and wants to go, good manners should just be tossed out the window? I cannot stress enough how uncomfortable I would be to attend this event without an actual invitation.

The hosts are now on notice that you do not consider yourself to have been invited and yet neither one of them have bothered to pick up a phone and extend a proper invitation to you.  That tells me that you either weren't invited in the beginning or they don't care enough to bother

This is it exactly. Maybe they are more 'relaxed' about this than I am...but that doesn't make how I feel wrong.  I am facebook friends with father of the child, if it is too much trouble to actually mail an invite he could contact me there.

In that case, I would skip the multiple middlemen and go right to the hosts of this event. You could easily drop him a note and say, "Dear DadofKid, I'm just dropping you a note to ask about the baptism of your little bundle of joy. My dad received an invitation and would really love to come, though that would require my attendance as well in order to drive him. Your dad did say to consider my dad's invitation as including me, but I didn't want to mess up your head-count, so I thought I'd check with you to see whether that's the case. If you don't have the room or budget, I totally understand. Congratulations on the baptism!"

I think there's a number of very good reasons you didn't receive an invitation - you were complaining through your dad to the father of the actual hosts. Who knows what actually got back to the person sending out the invitations? Second, I assume this is a baptism of an infant. Thus, the parents issuing the invitations are likely sleep-deprived parents who could be cut some slack. Your dad wants to go. Allay your fears about crashing the luncheon and just contact the hosts directly. You did receive an invitation of sorts, now you just have to confirm it.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: JenJay on August 19, 2013, 07:09:48 PM
I think some people are hearing OP say "My elderly father needs me to take him to an event, however, I don't want to go. I'm digging my heels in because I didn't receive an invitation so that makes for a handy excuse to tell dad 'too bad'."

What I think she's actually trying to say is "I didn't receive an invitation and I'm okay with that. I'd normally never attend an even without being invited, however, my elderly father has been invited, wants to go, and needs me to drive him. He's really pressuring me to go anyway and he's been trying to get other relatives to invite me. This makes me extremely uncomfortable and I don't know what to do?"

OP, I think you should cut out the middle people and contact the hosts directly. Acknowledge how awkward this is and say something like "Dad has asked me to drive him to the baptism but I'm feeling awkward since I wasn't invited. Please know that I am absolutely okay with that - no hurt feelings whatsoever, but it does complicate getting dad there as he doesn't drive. Do you mind if I tag along or would you prefer to arrange transportation for him?" I think that's your only option other than telling your dad you aren't available to drive him, period.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: SamiHami on August 19, 2013, 07:10:56 PM
I am going against the tide here, but I really think you should not go. You have made it clear you weren't invited, and even when your father made it an issue and questioned it-twice-you still did not receive an invitation. That is a pretty huge message that you are not invited. Considering that there is a luncheon involved, you showing up uninvited would be more egregious.

Is it possible that they really don't want your father there? Perhaps they figure they are sparing his feelings by inviting him, but don't actually want him there-so they are getting around it by not inviting the one person that they know would be his transportation.

It's no great trick for them to pick up the phone and call you...YOU...not your father and invite you. They haven't done so. I think that is your answer.

While it would be nice for your father to attend, it is not your fault that you weren't invited and certainly not your place to crash the event or to call them to beg for an invite. Sadly, your father will have to either find another way to get there or miss it altogether. It's a shame, but it's not on you.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: gramma dishes on August 19, 2013, 07:14:37 PM
OP ~~  Just curious.  Is this a matter of your father really, really LOVING his great-great nephew and wanting to witness in person this religious rite of baptism, or is this more that your father thinks of it as a family reunion of sorts and just wants to see other members of his family.

And about his invitation.  You know these people (presumably) and we don't.  But is there any possibility at all that they KNEW he would not be able to come without you, so sent his invitation more as a nice gesture but assuming from the get go that he would not actually want to/be able to come fifty miles for this occasion?
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Dr. F. on August 19, 2013, 07:21:47 PM
Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: gramma dishes on August 19, 2013, 07:28:44 PM
Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs.

I don't agree.  There is no reason whatsoever for her to give up at least a minimum of half a day and use her car and gas and precious time just to become an unpaid taxi driver who isn't "good enough" to be invited to the event and therefore has to entertain herself and provide her own food between runs! 

I personally wouldn't be willing to do that.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Zizi-K on August 19, 2013, 07:31:39 PM
Some families are just really casual about invitations. On the OP knows whether her lack of invitation is more likely to indicate that she is not invited or whether she really is invited/welcome but they just forgot/neglected to stick one in the mail. It took literally 10 years for me to get my aunt to stop issuing invitations to me through my parents. It was hard! But during that time, even though it irked me, I still understood that I really was invited (even if it was through a game of telephone).
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: SamiHami on August 19, 2013, 07:35:36 PM
Agree, Zizi-K, except that two phone calls were made and still no invitation was forthcoming. I think due diligence has been done, and if after those calls the hosts still didn't issue an invite, then she is very clearly not invited.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on August 19, 2013, 07:42:00 PM
OP ~~  Just curious.  Is this a matter of your father really, really LOVING his great-great nephew and wanting to witness in person this religious rite of baptism, or is this more that your father thinks of it as a family reunion of sorts and just wants to see other members of his family.  This has nothing to do with the baby, he just wants to visit with other family members.

What I think she's actually trying to say is "I didn't receive an invitation and I'm okay with that. I'd normally never attend an event without being invited, however, my elderly father has been invited, wants to go, and needs me to drive him. He's really pressuring me to go anyway and he's been trying to get other relatives to invite me. This makes me extremely uncomfortable and I don't know what to do?" This is exactly how I feel. I am a very shy person and I would not feel comfortable making any phone calls to a relative and putting them on the spot to invite me. My father is not shy and wouldn't think twice about putting someone on the spot to get what he wanted. Earlier this year I had to talk him out of calling the parents of the bride(late mom's side of family) to ask if he could bring a date when his invite did not include a + one.

You need to contact the parents or grandparents of the baby and ask who is coming up to get your father so he can attend. If you are your father's main source of transport for such events, you need to make sure that he has safe transportation back and forth. There is no reason he should not have to forego attendance just because you didn't received an invitation. Why should he suffer due to their etiquette faux pas?
Actually this might be the best way to go....however it is not on me to do this, it should be on my father.  He is 86, but not an invalid or incompetant, he lives on his own.

I do believe that they want him there, just no one bothered to think it all the way through. When I hosted my mom's 80th over 10 years ago I made sure to work out transportation for any of the elderly guests that I thought might have transportation issues. I guess not everyone thinks of that.

Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs. I knew someone was going to suggest that. It is an hour and a half drive ONE WAy from my house...so not really practical.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: shhh its me on August 19, 2013, 07:43:57 PM
Agree, Zizi-K, except that two phone calls were made and still no invitation was forthcoming. I think due diligence has been done, and if after those calls the hosts still didn't issue an invite, then she is very clearly not invited.

I think if it was OP making the calls I'd agree.  OP would communicate " send me an invite".  OP father seems to just be confirming so "yes of course she is invited" seems like the end of it. 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: misha412 on August 19, 2013, 07:46:53 PM
Agree, Zizi-K, except that two phone calls were made and still no invitation was forthcoming. I think due diligence has been done, and if after those calls the hosts still didn't issue an invite, then she is very clearly not invited.

And the OP, in the original post, said that her father's family is very bad about etiquette. The calls were to the grandparents of the baby, not to the hosts of the event, who are the parents. Those parents may have no clue that the grandparents have had any discussion with the OP's Dad.

They likely sent the invite to OP's dad with the full understanding that he would have a plus one because someone would have to drive him to the event. The OP can either tell her father to stop harping about the event because she is not driving him, find her father alternate transportation, or call the event hosts and see what is going on.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: baglady on August 19, 2013, 07:52:32 PM
I would leave the RSVP'ing up to Dad. Let him tell the hosts that he would love to come but needs his daughter to come along, because he can't drive. I'd advise the same thing if this were a paid caregiver instead of his daughter, but her being family makes it a little stickier, because she's family and has a reasonable expectation of her own invitation.

This isn't someone presuming to bring his/her flavor-of-the-month date where no plus-one invitation was issued. This is an elderly person who couldn't otherwise attend without a companion. Even the most etiquette-clueless should be able to wrap their minds around that. I don't know why they've persisted in refusing OP an invitation -- maybe they ran out of them? -- but if they want beloved great-granduncle there, they need to accept the fact that he can't come alone.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: shhh its me on August 19, 2013, 07:54:09 PM
  how about this ...

OP calls on her fathers behalf to decline since he doesn't have transportation and to express well wishes,  hopefully the host will say "oh im sorry YOU cant make it"  that way OP can say "me? well I wasn't invited?"

In a way OP is doing the same thing the hosts are doing (we assume) leaving it to someone else to communicate.   
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: misha412 on August 19, 2013, 07:57:11 PM


You need to contact the parents or grandparents of the baby and ask who is coming up to get your father so he can attend. If you are your father's main source of transport for such events, you need to make sure that he has safe transportation back and forth. There is no reason he should not have to forego attendance just because you didn't received an invitation. Why should he suffer due to their etiquette faux pas?
Actually this might be the best way to go....however it is not on me to do this, it should be on my father.  He is 86, but not an invalid or incompetant, he lives on his own.

I do believe that they want him there, just no one bothered to think it all the way through. When I hosted my mom's 80th over 10 years ago I made sure to work out transportation for any of the elderly guests that I thought might have transportation issues. I guess not everyone thinks of that.

If your father calls and asks about transportation, the answer he gets is likely the one he has already gotten. "We thought lkdrymom was going to drive you. She is welcome to come." He will likely come back to you and say "see I told you that you were invited." (Extrapolation on my part, but from what you have said, it sounds likely).

If you call, then you can make it clear you are not coming. At that point, they have to think beyond what they consider the obvious answer. The answer may be that, if you are not going, your father will not be able to attend.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: SamiHami on August 19, 2013, 07:57:43 PM
Agree, Zizi-K, except that two phone calls were made and still no invitation was forthcoming. I think due diligence has been done, and if after those calls the hosts still didn't issue an invite, then she is very clearly not invited.

And the OP, in the original post, said that her father's family is very bad about etiquette. The calls were to the grandparents of the baby, not to the hosts of the event, who are the parents. Those parents may have no clue that the grandparents have had any discussion with the OP's Dad.

They likely sent the invite to OP's dad with the full understanding that he would have a plus one because someone would have to drive him to the event. The OP can either tell her father to stop harping about the event because she is not driving him, find her father alternate transportation, or call the event hosts and see what is going on.

Her father's family having poor etiquette doesn't mean that she should perpetuate the rudeness. As for the likelihood of their intentions, we just don't know. Maybe they assume she'll be there. Or maybe they, for whatever reason, decided to not invite her. Would you go to an event you weren't invited to just because you assumed it was a mistake? I think the only thing to do is take her cue from the hosts. They invited Dad so we know that they know how to issue invitations. So to me that means the lack of invite to the OP means don't go.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: VorFemme on August 19, 2013, 08:07:35 PM
Call the cousins hosting the event.  Your dad got an invitation and wants to go.  You did not get an invitation, so you are calling to ask how the family is planning on getting him to the event - is one of them coming to get him?  Are they paying cab fare?  How are they getting him there?

Do not mention that you might be willing to drive him if you got an invitation. 

You are asking how THEY are planning on getting him to the event and home afterwards - not fishing for an invitation.

If they realize that it is going to be ever so much easier on them to make sure that you are invited to family events as a plus one - they can start adding your name to the invitation list.  Or at least add a little note saying "we look forward to seeing lkdrymom, as well, since we know that she will be the one bringing you, Uncle So&So".
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: WillyNilly on August 19, 2013, 08:13:20 PM
Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs. I knew someone was going to suggest that. It is an hour and a half drive ONE WAy from my house...so not really practical.

I don't understand how you are an hour and half drive away from somewhere 50 miles away? If its 100 miles round trip, its 50 miles each direction. And Jersey is loaded with 40-60+ mph roads.

We don't live in an area that has public transportation and all the relatives involved live in South Jersey where the event is held....we are in Central Jersey. It would be a 100 mile round trip to come and get him and another one to bring him home.

I think this is the best idea. Bring your dad, go to the church bit, then greet everyone and ask what time you should pick your dad up as you have some errands to run. You can put a cooler with some ice packs into your car before leaving home and do some grocery shopping if its in the pine barrens, or hit the outlets if its that part of south Jersey, or maybe even stop by AC or the shore to stroll a boardwalk, or if its the other half of south Jersey pop over to Philly and spend an hour at the art museum or science museum.

Is it a huge inconvenience, yes I'm sure it is. But it sounds like you and your dad are close and its important to him and he probably has limited opportunities to socialize and would probably mean a lot to him.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: cattlekid on August 19, 2013, 08:16:01 PM
I like it!  Put the burden back on them.  This way, you can really ascertain if it was a duty invite or they really wanted him to be there.  If they really want him to be there, they'll find a way or issue you an invitation, even if it is just over the phone.

Call the cousins hosting the event.  Your dad got an invitation and wants to go.  You did not get an invitation, so you are calling to ask how the family is planning on getting him to the event - is one of them coming to get him?  Are they paying cab fare?  How are they getting him there?

Do not mention that you might be willing to drive him if you got an invitation. 

You are asking how THEY are planning on getting him to the event and home afterwards - not fishing for an invitation.

If they realize that it is going to be ever so much easier on them to make sure that you are invited to family events as a plus one - they can start adding your name to the invitation list.  Or at least add a little note saying "we look forward to seeing lkdrymom, as well, since we know that she will be the one bringing you, Uncle So&So".
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: siamesecat2965 on August 19, 2013, 08:26:13 PM
Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs. I knew someone was going to suggest that. It is an hour and a half drive ONE WAy from my house...so not really practical.

I don't understand how you are an hour and half drive away from somewhere 50 miles away? If its 100 miles round trip, its 50 miles each direction. And Jersey is loaded with 40-60+ mph roads.

We don't live in an area that has public transportation and all the relatives involved live in South Jersey where the event is held....we are in Central Jersey. It would be a 100 mile round trip to come and get him and another one to bring him home.

I think this is the best idea. Bring your dad, go to the church bit, then greet everyone and ask what time you should pick your dad up as you have some errands to run. You can put a cooler with some ice packs into your car before leaving home and do some grocery shopping if its in the pine barrens, or hit the outlets if its that part of south Jersey, or maybe even stop by AC or the shore to stroll a boardwalk, or if its the other half of south Jersey pop over to Philly and spend an hour at the art museum or science museum.

Is it a huge inconvenience, yes I'm sure it is. But it sounds like you and your dad are close and its important to him and he probably has limited opportunities to socialize and would probably mean a lot to him.

It can most definitely take that long to go 50 or so miles, esp going south, especially if on the Parkway, and its a weekend. the OP will hit shore traffic, which can sometimes grind traffic to a halt. And even on a road with a 40-60mph speed limit doesn't mean you're actually going that fast, and tons of lights on the local roads.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: JenJay on August 19, 2013, 08:28:47 PM
I like it!  Put the burden back on them.  This way, you can really ascertain if it was a duty invite or they really wanted him to be there.  If they really want him to be there, they'll find a way or issue you an invitation, even if it is just over the phone.

Call the cousins hosting the event.  Your dad got an invitation and wants to go.  You did not get an invitation, so you are calling to ask how the family is planning on getting him to the event - is one of them coming to get him?  Are they paying cab fare?  How are they getting him there?

Do not mention that you might be willing to drive him if you got an invitation. 

You are asking how THEY are planning on getting him to the event and home afterwards - not fishing for an invitation.

If they realize that it is going to be ever so much easier on them to make sure that you are invited to family events as a plus one - they can start adding your name to the invitation list.  Or at least add a little note saying "we look forward to seeing lkdrymom, as well, since we know that she will be the one bringing you, Uncle So&So".

I agree. Hopefully they'll also keep that in mind next time and remember to invite neither or both.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: RooRoo on August 19, 2013, 08:30:23 PM
Maybe, as someone suggested, the hosts sent an "announcement" invitation (i.e. "He won't be able to come but we'll include him anyway"). My mother sent out a few of those for my first wedding. (But, if they'd have come, we would have welcomed them!)

Or maybe they expect her to show up.

Or maybe they were just being clueless and thoughtless, and didn't consider Dad's transportation problems.

It doesn't matter. If I was in her shoes, I'd feel the same way. And it is not her responsibility to fix it. I wouldn't feel able to shove myself in where I wasn't invited, either. Whether the reason was cluelessness or not doesn't matter.

Go ahead and stay home, lkdrymom. You have a  prior engagement! "lkdrymom, won't you watch Casablanca with me, for the 150th time, and we'll pop some corn? Why, thank you lkdrymom, that sounds wonderful!"
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on August 19, 2013, 08:33:34 PM
I don't understand how you are an hour and half drive away from somewhere 50 miles away? If its 100 miles round trip, its 50 miles each direction. And Jersey is loaded with 40-60+ mph roads.   It is 50 miles from my father's place....I live another 20 miles in the opposite direction.  So 70 miles each way for me....and it is S0uth Jersey...traffic does not allow you to drive 60mph on the highways...most highways down there are parking lots.

It doesn't matter. If I was in her shoes, I'd feel the same way. And it is not her responsibility to fix it. I wouldn't feel able to shove myself in where I wasn't invited, either. Whether the reason was cluelessness or not doesn't matter. This!
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: *inviteseller on August 19, 2013, 08:44:45 PM
I don't see this as an oversight because the father of the baby is FB friends with OP..by now he could have sent her a message or called her because twice now her father has asked the father of the father (I think I got that right) and still nothing.  So they didn't invite OP.  They may not realize she is the only way for him to get there and think because he does live by himself and can get around his neighborhood by car, he can drive.  I don't think OP is out of line..she shows up and finds out she wasn't invited and they did not have her down for the head count, it is going to make OP look like a interloper who just shows up.  And I don't think the OP should have to call around for an invitation.  It has twice now been brought up she didn't get an invite and yet no messages, no calls..to me that = no invite. 

My ex MIL did this to me.  She got an invitation to a graduation party for one of her half siblings kids.  She told us we were invited also.  I had never met these people and it had been years since my husband had seen them.  I told husband we didn't receive an invitation and he said that is how the family worked things, the matriarch/patriarch got the invite then passed it to the kids.  I lost the fight and we went..and we weren't invited!!!!  They had a catered outdoor party but it was invite only and they knew that we were not close so they didn't want to look gimme so they only invited who they were close to.  I was mortified!
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: esposita on August 19, 2013, 08:46:09 PM
Agree, Zizi-K, except that two phone calls were made and still no invitation was forthcoming. I think due diligence has been done, and if after those calls the hosts still didn't issue an invite, then she is very clearly not invited.

And the OP, in the original post, said that her father's family is very bad about etiquette. The calls were to the grandparents of the baby, not to the hosts of the event, who are the parents. Those parents may have no clue that the grandparents have had any discussion with the OP's Dad.

They likely sent the invite to OP's dad with the full understanding that he would have a plus one because someone would have to drive him to the event. The OP can either tell her father to stop harping about the event because she is not driving him, find her father alternate transportation, or call the event hosts and see what is going on.

This is what I was thinking...

OP, you said "I assumed that since they knew I never got an invite they might send out another" but is it possible the "message" never got relayed to them (the parents) by their father?
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: AmethystAnne on August 19, 2013, 09:00:53 PM
Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs.


Dr. F. said so well what I was thinking of but couldn't express as succinctly.

And then when your Dad is ready, somebody could call you on your cell.


Call the cousins hosting the event.  Your dad got an invitation and wants to go.  You did not get an invitation, so you are calling to ask how the family is planning on getting him to the event - is one of them coming to get him?  Are they paying cab fare?  How are they getting him there?

Do not mention that you might be willing to drive him if you got an invitation. 

You are asking how THEY are planning on getting him to the event and home afterwards - not fishing for an invitation.

If they realize that it is going to be ever so much easier on them to make sure that you are invited to family events as a plus one - they can start adding your name to the invitation list.  Or at least add a little note saying "we look forward to seeing lkdrymom, as well, since we know that she will be the one bringing you, Uncle So&So".

Well....it always pays to read the whole discussion before responding. 
I like VorFemme's response too.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Jaelle on August 19, 2013, 09:07:50 PM
I want to defend the OP a little.  ???

Haven't we heard on eHell before that grown children are in no way obligated to be at the beck and call of their parents? If her father is cognizant of what's going on and wants to make it to the event, why can't he figure out a way to do it that doesn't involve fishing for an invitation for his daughter? (OP, if I remember correctly, this has been a problem before, hasn't it?)

It's just easier for everyone if she does it, but she doesn't rate her own invitation? I know I'd feel differently about getting my own invite and just taking a relative because I was going anyway than having the relative get the invite and be assumed to be his transportation! :P  The assumption that "Of course she'll bring you!" would really, really get under my skin. What if she has something else going on?

I suppose I'm a little biased, because we're currently having some issues with my MIL expecting to be ferried everywhere by my DH, even when it completely messes up our schedules, previously made plans and general lives. He's fine taking her to doctor appointments, etc., even when we have to rearrange things to do it ... but when it's "You're taking me to this event four hour's drive away roundtrip, even though you're busy that day and it would be utterly inconvenient, just because I want to go and you should do it" ... yeah, not so much.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on August 19, 2013, 09:11:15 PM
I am still utterly mortified that my father called my cousin. I specifically told him not to. And after the last time geting burned by accepting an invite through him I know now never to do that again. I was so embarrassed the last time.

And as far as expecting me to drive 3 hours round trip then just 'hang out' someplace while he goes to the event....I think that is asking a bit much.

I want to defend the OP a little. 

Haven't we heard on eHell before that grown children are in no way obligated to be at the beck and call of their parents? If her father is cognizant of what's going on and wants to make it to the event, why can't he figure out a way to do it that doesn't involve fishing for an invitation for his daughter? (OP, if I remember correctly, this has been a problem before, hasn't it?)

It's just easier for everyone if she does it, but she doesn't rate her own invitation? I know I'd feel differently about getting my own invite and just taking a relative because I was going anyway than having the relative get the invite and be assumed to be his transportation!   The assumption that "Of course she'll bring you!" would really, really get under my skin. What if she has something else going on?

I suppose I'm a little biased, because we're currently having some issues with my MIL expecting to be ferried everywhere by my DH, even when it completely messes up our schedules, previously made plans and general lives. He's fine taking her to doctor appointments, etc., even when we have to rearrange things to do it ... but when it's "You're taking me to this event four hour's drive away roundtrip, even though you're busy that day and it would be utterly inconvenient, just because I want to go and you should do it" ... yeah, not so much.
Thank you.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: DottyG on August 19, 2013, 09:20:56 PM
he just wants to visit with other family members.

This is why I'd help him get there - whether that meant sucking it up and calling to see if it would be ok for me to attend, accepting the invitation (however informal) already received, dropping him off and picking him up later or even calling around to see if someone else could take him.  But the nine words above are pretty much sufficient for me to say that I'd be figuring out some way to get him there.

Unless there is prior animosity between the father and his family, I wouldn't consider this to be an announcement invitation, either.  I think they'd like him there as much as he wants to be there - if, for no other reason, to see him just as he wants to see them.  He's 86.  I think this is a time when he should get to spend as much time as he can/wants to with his family.
 
 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: LeveeWoman on August 19, 2013, 09:38:01 PM
Sometimes we have to do things that inconvenience us all to hell-and-back in order to help out someone close to us.

I've been there, done that.

It's called "sucking it up and driving on."

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Aeris on August 19, 2013, 09:40:23 PM
I think a lot of people, including the OP, are putting far FAR too much weight on 'but we've asked twice, and STILL no invitation was forthcoming!'.

The OP said that etiquette was a bit foreign to this side of the family. It also sounds like they are just super casual. Add in that the hosts are sleep-deprived parents of an infant. With all that information, let's try to see this from the hosts' possible perspectives. Also, do note that at some point "the story" was that the OP had in fact been sent a direct invitation that had been lost in the mail.

Possible Scenario #1: Host sends an invitation to his great uncle that is *intended* to include his daughter. Host assumes (wrongly) that everyone will know this. At some point host's father calls and says "Hey, did you mean to invite great-uncle's daughter?". Host replies "Of course! She's part of great-uncle's invite, duh!". Host believes their work is done.

If at that point, when the host feels they've been quite clear that the daughter was intended to be invited, the daughter were *still* to insist she hadn't actually been invited, host might reasonably feel like she was making a mountain out of a molehill and wonder why this was causing so much angst.

Possible Scenario #2: Host actually mails invitation directly to dad's cousin. It gets lost in the mail. At some point Host's father calls to ask if the daughter is invited. Host replies "of course she is, we mailed an invitation. If she didn't get it, it must have been lost in the mail. Make sure she knows." Host believes their work is done.

If at that point, when the host has actually invited the father's cousin, AND has sent communication through the family channels that an actual, physical, for real invitation was mailed to her, she were to still insist that since she'd never *received* an invitation that she wasn't *really* invited, I think it's quite likely that the host would be reasonably annoyed.


A few weeks before my cousin's wedding, my brother indicated that he had not received an invitation. I texted my cousin's fiancee to check. Her immediate response was that of course he was invited, she had sent his invitation out at the same time as everyone else's including a plus one. I relayed the information to my brother, who from that point forward operated as if he had received a physical invitation. If he had insisted that he wasn't *really* invited until either my cousin and his fiancee, who were completely frazzled and underwater with work stress and last minute wedding details, called him personally or sent a new physical invitation, I would have called him out for being a giant special snowflake.

If he had not believed my information (or version of it), and had thus called my cousin himself to check, that would have been totally fine. Or if he'd simply decided not to come even though he was invited - also fine. But if he'd indicated that he *would* go if he'd *really* been invited, but since he never received an invitation, he just wouldn't... I would have rolled my eyes so hard they fell out of my head.



OP, if you don't want to go regardless of whether you're invited that's one thing. But you actually have a reasonable amount of evidence that you likely *were* intended to be invited. If you want to find out for sure if you're invited, that's cool. And you can decline to go in any case, but declining to go because you weren't "actually invited" seems disingenuous here and honestly, may come off to others as drama. If I were the host and I *had* invited you, I would likely feel like you were just trying to Make A Point, and I would not be impressed.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: AnnaJ on August 19, 2013, 09:48:52 PM
Your 86 year old father wants to go, and (correct me if I'm wrong) it's not going to happen if you don't take him - yes, other people could come get him, he could spend a ridiculous amount of money on a taxi, a unicorn could arrive...but seriously, it sounds as though you are it.

Family has told dad your is invited, though the invitation may have been lost in the mail.

So, your call - is it more important to you that your dad goes to this christening or that your family do the proper thing, even though you say they never have done so before? 

Unfair?  You bet.  But it's life with aging parents, and you really do have to make tough decisions.   
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Hmmmmm on August 19, 2013, 09:54:50 PM
OP, how often does your Dad get to visit his family? I think that would impact my decision on whether I wanted to assist him in getting to the event. I wouldn't attend though.

I know I'm odd about driving, but an hour and a half drive is nothing to me. I'd drop him off, grab lunch, do some shopping or see a movie, or visit am museum for a couple of hours and then come back to get him.

And evil me would make sure to come in to get him when I knew the majority of family was still there. So when Aunt Agatha asks "why are you just arriving?" I'd say in a cheery voice "oh, I wasn't invited but it was important to Dad to attend so I drove him down and then piddled around town for a few hours. I'm just here to pick him up. Did you have a nice time"

I also agree that the family probably didnt think that as a second cousin you'd have an interest in attending and didnt consider your dads transport needs. So once he called and it was said "of course she's welcome" they might consider it all set.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: ------ on August 19, 2013, 10:01:16 PM
I'm going to go against the grain, also, and defend the OP a bit here. I can more than understand her feeling irked about not receiving a direct invitation (even though it was claimed - through an unreliable third party), especially considering the embarrassment that occurred last time. I, too, would be reluctant to show up, trusting that I was invited, even though that might very well not be the case.

I'm especially irked on her behalf that the father of the new parents - who is facebook friends with the OP - can't even take two minutes to confirm that she's invited to attend. I think the idea of driving up there and acting as chauffeur is a good one on paper, but in reality it would be not only a huge inconvenience but downright hurtful. Not only that, but that's half a state away, if I know my geography. It's not like popping around the corner to drop him off for a couple of hours. This is a huge chunk of time and driving and gas money. I know gas ain't cheap up in New Jersey. I probably wouldn't feel terribly enthusiastic about any of the options - whether it be to suck it up and just drive him up there, or risk attending with him, knowing that I may very well not be welcome, or contacting the hosts or a family member to find out the status.

My father was like this too. He would assume things, and pass them on as fact, and if you took his word for it, you had a one-way ticket to Awkward City. I learned quickly not to take at face value anything he said, because he was so optimistic and didn't have an ounce of guile, that he naturally assumed his beloved children were welcome anywhere he was. Which was simply not the case at all. After a while, I learned to either confirm it for myself (awkward in itself, so not very often!) or just skip it with my regrets sent through him. Of course, he didn't rely on any of us for his transportation, so that wasn't an issue. But I can understand where the OP is coming from. I don't think it's stubbornness, really (well, maybe a tiny, little bit...but with good reason imho).

OP, I'm wondering, how would you handle things (or your Dad, for that matter) if you wanted/intended to drive him down there - but couldn't because you had to work or had other pressing obligations that you couldn't cancel? Would he simply not go? Would you try to make other arrangements?

I suppose one thing you could do, if you were so inclined, (and this is honestly how I would handle the situation; I just don't know if it's the eHell approved way to do it) would simply be very honest, and contact the friend of yours on facebook (probably by phone, if possible) and let him know really wants to attend, and could he help you figure out a way to get him down there (if you're not invited)? That way, if he says "oh, but you are invited" that takes care of that, and if you're not invited, you're not assuming and he's not extending it - then you can place the responsibility on your hosts to work out your father's travel arrangements - I mean, I think this is a little more subtle than calling up and saying "I haven't been invited!"

Would that work?
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Aeris on August 19, 2013, 10:05:57 PM
OP, how often does your Dad get to visit his family? I think that would impact my decision on whether I wanted to assist him in getting to the event. I wouldn't attend though.

I know I'm odd about driving, but an hour and a half drive is nothing to me. I'd drop him off, grab lunch, do some shopping or see a movie, or visit am museum for a couple of hours and then come back to get him.

And evil me would make sure to come in to get him when I knew the majority of family was still there. So when Aunt Agatha asks "why are you just arriving?" I'd say in a cheery voice "oh, I wasn't invited but it was important to Dad to attend so I drove him down and then piddled around town for a few hours. I'm just here to pick him up. Did you have a nice time"

I also agree that the family probably didnt think that as a second cousin you'd have an interest in attending and didnt consider your dads transport needs. So once he called and it was said "of course she's welcome" they might consider it all set.

What purpose would this serve if the OP was actually invited, but her invitation was lost in the mail (which is what she was told at some point)?

Or even if your last paragraph is true, and from the family's perspective the OP has now, in fact and for real, been invited?

The above advice would do nothing but make her look like a massive drama queen.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: katycoo on August 19, 2013, 10:09:52 PM
Sometimes we have choose to do things that inconvenience us all to hell-and-back in order to help out someone close to us.

I've been there, done that.

It's called "sucking it up and driving on."

Fixed that for you.  The OP doesn't have to do anything.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Marbles on August 19, 2013, 10:14:48 PM
I would not count on this telephone game to assure myself that I had been invited, especially when you know one of the players is unreliable.

VorFemme posted what I was thinking. Call the hosts to see what they can help arrange to help your father get there. There's a strong possibility that they'll say "aren't you bringing him?" At that point, you can say you never received an invitation, which is fine, so you were not going to come.

Or, maybe, they will tell you that Cousins A and B are coming from your area, as is Aunt C. Maybe one of them can bring him, or split the drive with someone else.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: LeveeWoman on August 19, 2013, 10:26:59 PM
Sometimes we have choose to do things that inconvenience us all to hell-and-back in order to help out someone close to us.

I've been there, done that.

It's called "sucking it up and driving on."

Fixed that for you.  The OP doesn't have to do anything.


Partial "DITTO".
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: LifeOnPluto on August 19, 2013, 10:30:19 PM

I suppose one thing you could do, if you were so inclined, (and this is honestly how I would handle the situation; I just don't know if it's the eHell approved way to do it) would simply be very honest, and contact the friend of yours on facebook (probably by phone, if possible) and let him know really wants to attend, and could he help you figure out a way to get him down there (if you're not invited)? That way, if he says "oh, but you are invited" that takes care of that, and if you're not invited, you're not assuming and he's not extending it - then you can place the responsibility on your hosts to work out your father's travel arrangements - I mean, I think this is a little more subtle than calling up and saying "I haven't been invited!"

Would that work?

I think this is a great idea.

My personal view is that from what the OP wrote, she is NOT invited to this event. I do think she would be rude if she directly asked for an invitation, or worse, simply rocked up.

And I don't want to sound harsh, but the OP's father has made a choice to live in an area with no public transportation. Such choices have consequences - sometimes if you can't get a ride, you have to accept that you might miss out on some things.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: buvezdevin on August 19, 2013, 10:40:03 PM
I think the matter of whether or not the OP was or wasn't meant to be invited by the hosts is a bit of a red herring, in that OP does not seem perturbed by being invited or not, except that her father is pushing her to attend in order to be his transport, and she does not wish to attend an event she has not received *any* communication or invitation to except what her father has communicated, and he has been unreliable in passing on information in the past.

My suggestion is heavily colored by OP's prior posts regarding her father's expectations/demands on her time and assistance, combined with her posting about her father's habit of canceling on his plans with her when he gets better offers.

OP, in your shoes, I would explain to dad that you will not be attending the baptism as you have other plans, and if dad will be speaking with nephew again in the near future, dad may want to ask whether any other guests may be traveling from dad's area and could give him transport.

I see it more as setting boundaries with OP's dad than with extended family.  Care of family members, including receiving transport and assistance is not a right held by any family member, but rather is wonderful to do or receive - when the actions and the person providing assistance are appreciated and respected, and there is a *mutual* consideration extended, beyond only demands and expectations.

ETA:  fix sentences.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: sammycat on August 19, 2013, 10:53:30 PM
Would it be possible for you to drop off Dad and dink around in the area for a while before picking him back up again? Even if said dinking is reading a book in a local park? I think that's what I'd do in the circs.

I don't agree.  There is no reason whatsoever for her to give up at least a minimum of half a day and use her car and gas and precious time just to become an unpaid taxi driver who isn't "good enough" to be invited to the event and therefore has to entertain herself and provide her own food between runs! 

I personally wouldn't be willing to do that.


I agree with gramma dishes. I doubt I'd drive 1 1/2 hours for a christening I was invited to, let alone one I wasn't.

If dad wants to attend, and the family members want him there so badly, it's up to them to figure out a way to get him there.  I'm sure OP is not the only person in the family with a car, so one of the invited guest can transport him, or dad can pay for a taxi. I don't see how it's any of the OP's concern. Just because she drives him to other events/places doesn't mean she has to this time.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: *inviteseller on August 19, 2013, 11:17:37 PM
I think a lot of people, including the OP, are putting far FAR too much weight on 'but we've asked twice, and STILL no invitation was forthcoming!'.

The OP said that etiquette was a bit foreign to this side of the family. It also sounds like they are just super casual. Add in that the hosts are sleep-deprived parents of an infant. With all that information, let's try to see this from the hosts' possible perspectives. Also, do note that at some point "the story" was that the OP had in fact been sent a direct invitation that had been lost in the mail.

Possible Scenario #1: Host sends an invitation to his great uncle that is *intended* to include his daughter. Host assumes (wrongly) that everyone will know this. At some point host's father calls and says "Hey, did you mean to invite great-uncle's daughter?". Host replies "Of course! She's part of great-uncle's invite, duh!". Host believes their work is done.

If at that point, when the host feels they've been quite clear that the daughter was intended to be invited, the daughter were *still* to insist she hadn't actually been invited, host might reasonably feel like she was making a mountain out of a molehill and wonder why this was causing so much angst.

Possible Scenario #2: Host actually mails invitation directly to dad's cousin. It gets lost in the mail. At some point Host's father calls to ask if the daughter is invited. Host replies "of course she is, we mailed an invitation. If she didn't get it, it must have been lost in the mail. Make sure she knows." Host believes their work is done.

If at that point, when the host has actually invited the father's cousin, AND has sent communication through the family channels that an actual, physical, for real invitation was mailed to her, she were to still insist that since she'd never *received* an invitation that she wasn't *really* invited, I think it's quite likely that the host would be reasonably annoyed.


A few weeks before my cousin's wedding, my brother indicated that he had not received an invitation. I texted my cousin's fiancee to check. Her immediate response was that of course he was invited, she had sent his invitation out at the same time as everyone else's including a plus one. I relayed the information to my brother, who from that point forward operated as if he had received a physical invitation. If he had insisted that he wasn't *really* invited until either my cousin and his fiancee, who were completely frazzled and underwater with work stress and last minute wedding details, called him personally or sent a new physical invitation, I would have called him out for being a giant special snowflake.

If he had not believed my information (or version of it), and had thus called my cousin himself to check, that would have been totally fine. Or if he'd simply decided not to come even though he was invited - also fine. But if he'd indicated that he *would* go if he'd *really* been invited, but since he never received an invitation, he just wouldn't... I would have rolled my eyes so hard they fell out of my head.



OP, if you don't want to go regardless of whether you're invited that's one thing. But you actually have a reasonable amount of evidence that you likely *were* intended to be invited. If you want to find out for sure if you're invited, that's cool. And you can decline to go in any case, but declining to go because you weren't "actually invited" seems disingenuous here and honestly, may come off to others as drama. If I were the host and I *had* invited you, I would likely feel like you were just trying to Make A Point, and I would not be impressed.

Host has NOT invited OP in any way shape or form.  Host's father told OP's father sure she was invited but the actual host, who sent the invitations and is FB friends with OP has NOT sent her any invitation or attempted to contact OP through FB to invite her.  To me, that means OP has NOT been invited.  Maybe they don't realize OP's dad needs a ride for that distance or maybe it was a courtesy invite as a favor to the host's dad and they really aren't expecting him to come.  But I would not go if I were OP.  I think OP is taking a lot of unnecessary heat for doing exactly what we advocate against here..either 'fishing' for an invite or assuming she is invited.  As far as saying OP should suck it up and take a day to play taxi for her dad..this isn't a trip to get medicine or groceries or go to the Dr's she is denying him.  She is being told to spend time and money (both precious commodities I am sure) to be his chauffeur and either amuse herself while the family has a party she was not invited to or crash a party she was not invited to.  My sister and I bend over backwards to help our elderly parents but sometimes there are things that are not going to happen..just because it is something her dad wants to go to should not mean OP pushes aside her life to cater to him.  If the cousins want him there, they will do what they can to get him there (thus the reason I think it was a courtesy invite and why OP didn't get invited).
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: DottyG on August 19, 2013, 11:28:05 PM
this isn't a trip to get medicine or groceries or go to the Dr's she is denying him.

You're right. It's not. It's taking an 86 year old man to a gathering where he can see his family. Something even more important than getting groceries.

There have been several options given in the thread as to how to accomplish this. Are any of them doable, OP?

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Aeris on August 19, 2013, 11:35:59 PM
I think a lot of people, including the OP, are putting far FAR too much weight on 'but we've asked twice, and STILL no invitation was forthcoming!'.

The OP said that etiquette was a bit foreign to this side of the family. It also sounds like they are just super casual. Add in that the hosts are sleep-deprived parents of an infant. With all that information, let's try to see this from the hosts' possible perspectives. Also, do note that at some point "the story" was that the OP had in fact been sent a direct invitation that had been lost in the mail.

Possible Scenario #1: Host sends an invitation to his great uncle that is *intended* to include his daughter. Host assumes (wrongly) that everyone will know this. At some point host's father calls and says "Hey, did you mean to invite great-uncle's daughter?". Host replies "Of course! She's part of great-uncle's invite, duh!". Host believes their work is done.

If at that point, when the host feels they've been quite clear that the daughter was intended to be invited, the daughter were *still* to insist she hadn't actually been invited, host might reasonably feel like she was making a mountain out of a molehill and wonder why this was causing so much angst.

Possible Scenario #2: Host actually mails invitation directly to dad's cousin. It gets lost in the mail. At some point Host's father calls to ask if the daughter is invited. Host replies "of course she is, we mailed an invitation. If she didn't get it, it must have been lost in the mail. Make sure she knows." Host believes their work is done.

If at that point, when the host has actually invited the father's cousin, AND has sent communication through the family channels that an actual, physical, for real invitation was mailed to her, she were to still insist that since she'd never *received* an invitation that she wasn't *really* invited, I think it's quite likely that the host would be reasonably annoyed.


A few weeks before my cousin's wedding, my brother indicated that he had not received an invitation. I texted my cousin's fiancee to check. Her immediate response was that of course he was invited, she had sent his invitation out at the same time as everyone else's including a plus one. I relayed the information to my brother, who from that point forward operated as if he had received a physical invitation. If he had insisted that he wasn't *really* invited until either my cousin and his fiancee, who were completely frazzled and underwater with work stress and last minute wedding details, called him personally or sent a new physical invitation, I would have called him out for being a giant special snowflake.

If he had not believed my information (or version of it), and had thus called my cousin himself to check, that would have been totally fine. Or if he'd simply decided not to come even though he was invited - also fine. But if he'd indicated that he *would* go if he'd *really* been invited, but since he never received an invitation, he just wouldn't... I would have rolled my eyes so hard they fell out of my head.



OP, if you don't want to go regardless of whether you're invited that's one thing. But you actually have a reasonable amount of evidence that you likely *were* intended to be invited. If you want to find out for sure if you're invited, that's cool. And you can decline to go in any case, but declining to go because you weren't "actually invited" seems disingenuous here and honestly, may come off to others as drama. If I were the host and I *had* invited you, I would likely feel like you were just trying to Make A Point, and I would not be impressed.

Host has NOT invited OP in any way shape or form.  Host's father told OP's father sure she was invited but the actual host, who sent the invitations and is FB friends with OP has NOT sent her any invitation or attempted to contact OP through FB to invite her.  To me, that means OP has NOT been invited.  Maybe they don't realize OP's dad needs a ride for that distance or maybe it was a courtesy invite as a favor to the host's dad and they really aren't expecting him to come.  But I would not go if I were OP.  I think OP is taking a lot of unnecessary heat for doing exactly what we advocate against here..either 'fishing' for an invite or assuming she is invited.  As far as saying OP should suck it up and take a day to play taxi for her dad..this isn't a trip to get medicine or groceries or go to the Dr's she is denying him.  She is being told to spend time and money (both precious commodities I am sure) to be his chauffeur and either amuse herself while the family has a party she was not invited to or crash a party she was not invited to.  My sister and I bend over backwards to help our elderly parents but sometimes there are things that are not going to happen..just because it is something her dad wants to go to should not mean OP pushes aside her life to cater to him.  If the cousins want him there, they will do what they can to get him there (thus the reason I think it was a courtesy invite and why OP didn't get invited).

I'm not sure if your entire reply is meant to be to me, but note that I never, EVER said that she had to go, or even that she *ought* to go. I certainly never said she should play taxi to her father while not attending - I think that's a patently terrible idea, for multiple reasons. If the OP wishes to not go, then she has every right under the sun to *not* go.

However, the hosts apparently told their father that the OP had in fact been invited, and that her invitation must have been lost in the mail. That would indicate that the OP WAS INVITED. There is no other way to interpret that piece of information.

Would it be nice if they contacted her directly to tell her the exact same information they have already passed on to the OP's cousin? Sure, but failing to do so doesn't retroactively negate the fact that an invitation was apparently issued and mailed. A little sympathy for sleep-deprived parents who may not even know proper invitation etiquette may be in order here as well.

Is it possible the hosts lied to the cousin about the lost invitation? Is it possible the cousin lied to the OP's father about the lost invitation? Is it possible the OP's father lied to her about the lost invitation? I have no idea, but if we are going to say that she was not invited, then we have to assume that *someone* in that chain lied, since she has already been told that an invitation was in fact issued and mailed.

If the OP doesn't trust her source, it's reasonable to double check with the hosts. It's also reasonable to decline to go regardless of an invitation. It's not reasonable to act as though you have knowledge of an invitation that you do, in fact, have knowledge of, just because you didn't receive it in the format you desire.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: DottyG on August 19, 2013, 11:40:11 PM
Quote
If the OP doesn't trust her source, it's reasonable to double check with the hosts. It's also reasonable to decline to go regardless of an invitation. It's not reasonable to act as though you have knowledge of an invitation that you do, in fact, have knowledge of, just because you didn't receive it in the format you desire.

I agree with this.


As a side note to the "take him and do something else" idea, I've done that myself. Yeah, I felt that an invitation would have been nice. But I didn't have one (it was to a wedding), so I dropped the person off and went off to do something fun for myself until it was time to pick her up again. If the OP does go this route, it's not as bad as it sounds. I had a great time doing my own thing that day - caught up with some shopping, relaxed and had a nice day just for me.  I'm not saying she has to do this option. But it IS an option nonetheless.


Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: buvezdevin on August 19, 2013, 11:49:05 PM
Quote
If the OP doesn't trust her source, it's reasonable to double check with the hosts. It's also reasonable to decline to go regardless of an invitation. It's not reasonable to act as though you have knowledge of an invitation that you do, in fact, have knowledge of, just because you didn't receive it in the format you desire.

I agree with this.

I agree with the spirit of this, but would add that - as all of OP's knowledge of event/invite has been through her father, a known unreliable source - it would seem best for OP to check with hosts if she wishes to attend.  I don't think it is necessary for OP to contact hosts to *decline*.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: DottyG on August 19, 2013, 11:52:01 PM
Quote
If the OP doesn't trust her source, it's reasonable to double check with the hosts. It's also reasonable to decline to go regardless of an invitation. It's not reasonable to act as though you have knowledge of an invitation that you do, in fact, have knowledge of, just because you didn't receive it in the format you desire.

I agree with this.

I agree with the spirit of this, but would add that - as all of OP's knowledge of event/invite has been through her father, a known unreliable source - it would seem best for OP to check with hosts if she wishes to attend.  I don't think it is necessary for OP to contact hosts to *decline*.

I think I might agree with you on that. But we're getting into double negatives a bit, so I'm confused! :D

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: katycoo on August 20, 2013, 12:45:04 AM
Hypothetically, if the event was not a family based event but rather, say, an old work reunion of your Dads or some such - still in the same location, he still really wanted to go, you still wouldn't be attending.

Would your feelings about making the effort to get your Dad there and back be any different?

Are you in fact being clouded by feelings of being excluded which may be making your disinclined to go out of your way?

I'm not trying to push you in one direction or the other, I just wonder if this might help you make up your own mind about what you feel about things.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: hannahmollysmom on August 20, 2013, 01:24:52 AM
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: DottyG on August 20, 2013, 01:46:02 AM
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Danika on August 20, 2013, 01:53:53 AM
I agree with a PP's point (I believe that it was SamiHami) that the hosts clearly know how to send an invitation to someone when they want to, as evidenced by the fact that they managed to mail one to OP's father, but somehow they can't get a paper invitation sent to OP, or even an FB message? And the only word OP has that she is in fact invited is from her father, a previously proven unreliable source.

My own family is a bit like this and when family members, who sound like OP's dad are involved, there's a lot of "of course you're invited" or "of course X Y Z will happen" but not based on any facts, just because they will it to be that way. And the one who ends up being embarrassed by it is the gullible one who believed what that person declared.

On EHell, we never tell someone "call the host and see if you're invited"! If they wanted to invite her, they would have.

And I don't recall any other threads about OP and her father, but for every story of "My parent died young so you should really bend over backwards to cater to your aging parent" one of us could counter with "my parents suck and I spent most of my life slaving to please them at the expense of my own happiness and now I've wasted my life being an unhappy doormat" or another story of "Bob always gave up his free time to please his elderly parents and then Bob's life ended young tragically so he never enjoyed life."

My 2 cents is that OP is not a taxi service. Why add insult to injury and be a long-distance taxi service to not even attend a family event? If family is so important to OP's father, why isn't OP's father important to extended family? Why aren't they making sure he has a ride? Why isn't OP important enough to them to be invited (with or without her father)? Heck, why isn't OP's comfort and time valuable to her own father? He cares about what he wants to do and not about the fact that his child is being disrespected and not sent an invitation. Or about OP's freetime.

I say, you weren't invited. Let your father, who lives alone ask other family members for a ride. Or he can try to host a gathering himself in his own town (at a restaurant, if at home is too much work) and he can invite the same people to come see him, if he wants to see them so much.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: DottyG on August 20, 2013, 02:13:18 AM
And I don't recall any other threads about OP and her father,

I don't, either. But someone said there was one, so I put it in. If there wasn't one, just disregard that part of my post.

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Curly Wurly Doggie Breath on August 20, 2013, 03:09:00 AM
seriously.......... You are the only driver for Dear Ol Dad?

Is there No One else around?

Or is Dad set in his ways and considers You THE driver (btdt was mum and d ads chauffeur for many years )
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: sammycat on August 20, 2013, 04:13:30 AM
My 2 cents is that OP is not a taxi service. Why add insult to injury and be a long-distance taxi service to not even attend a family event? If family is so important to OP's father, why isn't OP's father important to extended family? Why aren't they making sure he has a ride? Why isn't OP important enough to them to be invited (with or without her father)? Heck, why isn't OP's comfort and time valuable to her own father? He cares about what he wants to do and not about the fact that his child is being disrespected and not sent an invitation. Or about OP's freetime.

I say, you weren't invited. Let your father, who lives alone ask other family members for a ride. Or he can try to host a gathering himself in his own town (at a restaurant, if at home is too much work) and he can invite the same people to come see him, if he wants to see them so much.

POD!!!!

Sorry OP, but I don't for one moment believe there was a paper invitation that was lost in the mail.  That sort of thing does happen, of course, but I don't think that was the case in this instance.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Miss Unleaded on August 20, 2013, 04:38:35 AM

On EHell, we never tell someone "call the host and see if you're invited"! If they wanted to invite her, they would have.

And I don't recall any other threads about OP and her father, but for every story of "My parent died young so you should really bend over backwards to cater to your aging parent" one of us could counter with "my parents suck and I spent most of my life slaving to please them at the expense of my own happiness and now I've wasted my life being an unhappy doormat" or another story of "Bob always gave up his free time to please his elderly parents and then Bob's life ended young tragically so he never enjoyed life."


I agreed with your whole post, but especially with this bit. My father in law has been at death's door for the last twenty years.  I've put certain things in my life on hold until after he's gone but at this rate he could very well outlive me.  It's no way to live.

OP I wouldn't go in your shoes.  If they wanted you there they would have invited you directly.  A facebook message takes about two minutes:  it's not that difficult!

At most I might suggest that you contact the hosts and frame it as asking them if they know someone who might be willing to bring your dad.  But then again, that does have the ring of 'fishing for an invite' about it.  Best just to tell your father that he will have to make other arrangements.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on August 20, 2013, 06:06:55 AM
I have to get off to work soon so I can't respond to everyone right now.  Yes I have written about my father before as he sometimes expects too much of me. I work full time, have my own home and two children. Often my father seems to forget I have any other obligations except to run him to this doctor or that doctor or go to lunch with him. I have worked hard to establish boundaries with him and sometimes it may look like I am a bit cold to his wants but I have to or I would end up living my life to cater to him. (The more I do for him the more helpless he acts)

My cousins do visit my father a few times a year.  Often he will cancel a lunch date with me if one of them calls to say they can visit. I have always been second best when it comes to his brothers children.  He does appreciate me more now these past few years, but only because he really needs me.

No one lives in our area so it would be a huge inconvenience for them to come and get him. And he would never want to inconvenience them in any way....that is what he has a daughter for.

Just to illustrate....a few years back we were invited to a picnic by other cousin. I declined because we would be on vacation and that day was the day we would be driving home.  My father argued with my about going....why couldn't we just go late...after we got home?  So after a long drive he expected me to get back in the car and drive at least another 90 minutes to take him to a party. Did I mention we would be driving home from Canada???  Trust me I can give you alot of examples like this where I am expected to move heaven and earth for him.....and no, there isn't a time in my life (46 years) that I remember him doing the same for me.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Hmmmmm on August 20, 2013, 06:13:22 AM
Based on this clarification of your relationship and frequency of his seeing his family, I wouldn't accommodate his request.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Curly Wurly Doggie Breath on August 20, 2013, 06:18:12 AM
OP (((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) I had a feeling it was like that.

My Parents were the same way
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Dream on August 20, 2013, 06:24:59 AM
I have a completely different take on this than anyone else. We are talking about a fully competent, independent, albeit elderly, adult. I very much doubt that he is incapable of asking someone for a lift, contacting the hosts and explaining his difficulties or indeed organising a car service of some variety to get himself there. His attendance or plans to get there have absolutely nothing to do with OP and even less when you consider that she very probably isn't even invited. Even if she was invited she would still be under no obligation to be her Fathers ride there, she could still decline to attend the event herself regardless.

As for the invitation itself, OP has had no interaction with any of those hosting the event or their immediate family and they have a variety of different ways of contacting her directly. The only source she has to her 'invitation' is a person with a history of making these things up, who has a vested interest in her attending in order to get him there and who doesn't care one jot if it makes a scene or OP is uncomfortable as a result.

His age, the family reunion he envisages and his wants are frankly immaterial. He is more than capable of attempting to sort this himself, instead OP gets nominated as his ride and/or solution. Neither should she be negotiating with the hosts on his behalf, she is removed from this situation and shouldn't be pressured to bow to the whim of a man who needs to take responsibility for his own attendance.

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: bonyk on August 20, 2013, 06:26:02 AM
Maybe consider looking into a car service?
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: wildkitty on August 20, 2013, 08:32:55 AM
Wow, guilt tripping - "But he could die tomorrow!" and the old stand by "But its faaaaamily!". Did my web browser take a wrong turn somewhere? I swore I was on eHell.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Queen of Clubs on August 20, 2013, 08:45:20 AM
And I don't recall any other threads about OP and her father, but for every story of "My parent died young so you should really bend over backwards to cater to your aging parent" one of us could counter with "my parents suck and I spent most of my life slaving to please them at the expense of my own happiness and now I've wasted my life being an unhappy doormat" or another story of "Bob always gave up his free time to please his elderly parents and then Bob's life ended young tragically so he never enjoyed life."

Agreed.  I don't think guilt trips are at all appropriate.

OP, I agree with a lot of other posters - you don't want to go, you don't believe you're invited (and, even if you were, you don't have to accept).  Maybe your father should look into some kind of car service with a hired driver so that he can accept these invitations whenever they come up without expecting you to be at his beck and call.  It would also give him the freedom to visit these relatives more frequently whenever he feels in the mood.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Secret on August 20, 2013, 08:51:07 AM
Is it possible that the family thinks that the Grandfather really won't want to go so they just sent him an invite, not thinking he would really want to travel that far?
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Danika on August 20, 2013, 09:32:57 AM
Often he will cancel a lunch date with me if one of them calls to say they can visit. I have always been second best when it comes to his brothers children.

Oh wow! Why can't he just say to them that they can all join you with your father at lunch? Why must you get kicked out? So, you're second fiddle to others.

Then, I think this is a case of Bed Made Lie. Your father doesn't treat you with respect. Why are you so accommodating to him?

No way would I be doing him any favors now or in the future unless I really enjoyed my father's company and wanted to spend time with him and had absolutely nothing going on myself.


Is it possible that the family thinks that the Grandfather really won't want to go so they just sent him an invite, not thinking he would really want to travel that far?

My guess, just based on what I've read here is that the family doesn't really want OP's father there. They felt that if they didn't invite him, there'd be strife and he'd pitch a fit. So they sent him an invitation to prevent that. But they also made sure to not invite the only person who could be his ride there, hoping to keep him from coming. This is simply because OP's description of the father sounds like an uncle of mine. And I can see some of my cousins doing this.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: heartmug on August 20, 2013, 11:03:22 AM
I have to get off to work soon so I can't respond to everyone right now.  Yes I have written about my father before as he sometimes expects too much of me. I work full time, have my own home and two children. Often my father seems to forget I have any other obligations except to run him to this doctor or that doctor or go to lunch with him. I have worked hard to establish boundaries with him and sometimes it may look like I am a bit cold to his wants but I have to or I would end up living my life to cater to him. (The more I do for him the more helpless he acts)

My cousins do visit my father a few times a year.  Often he will cancel a lunch date with me if one of them calls to say they can visit. I have always been second best when it comes to his brothers children.  He does appreciate me more now these past few years, but only because he really needs me.

No one lives in our area so it would be a huge inconvenience for them to come and get him. And he would never want to inconvenience them in any way....that is what he has a daughter for.


HUGS!  I was in your shoes for 20 years, until my mom passed away last year.  Boundaries my friend.  I too was dropped/cancelled on if my brother could show up.  He would call at the last minute (literally less than 24 hours) and say he could come (he lived about 80 miles from mom) and since she rarely saw him she would cancel with me.  It made me feel second best and used.

I finally told her that I would take her to her doctor's appointments and shopping once a month.  If my brother wanted to come on those days he needed to do the work.  (She liked to take him to lunch and then back to her house to chat.)  Stick to your plan.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: PastryGoddess on August 20, 2013, 12:11:59 PM
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.



Why is the OP responsible for making sure her father gets there?  The responsibility lies with her father to get to where he wants to go. If the OP can assist, that is one thing.  But it's not the OP's responsibility to make sure he can do what he wants to do.

His age has nothing to do with it and is a bit of a red herring
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: SCMagnolia on August 20, 2013, 12:23:04 PM
Close family would understand your father's circumstances and know that he can't drive and would rely on you to drive him to this event.  If they've flaked on sending an invitation after two phone calls, you're not getting one.  You do have the option to drive him to the event, drop him off, and arrange to pick him up afterward.  You can take yourself shopping or find a place to hang out and read a book if you truly do not want to attend the event.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: SamiHami on August 20, 2013, 12:29:14 PM
OT-Welcome, SCMagnolia! I'm another SC gal myself (Charleston)!
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: auntmeegs on August 20, 2013, 12:33:28 PM
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.



Why is the OP responsible for making sure her father gets there?  The responsibility lies with her father to get to where he wants to go. If the OP can assist, that is one thing.  But it's not the OP's responsibility to make sure he can do what he wants to do.

His age has nothing to do with it and is a bit of a red herring

His age has everything to do with it.  Elderly people sometimes need help with things and it is becuase of his age that he cannot drive to the party himself.  Maybe it isnít technically the OPís responsibility to get him there, but some of us feel that it would be the right thing to do, especially if the OP is in fact invited to the event. 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Goosey on August 20, 2013, 12:47:19 PM
Your father is not an invalid - it's on him to call the HOSTS and fix this or not go as he pleases. It's not on you. Tell your dad that you understand that he wants to go, but the HOSTS have not invited you and you're not going to be able to make the trip.

I'm a little surprised at the guilt-tripping people are doing here.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: darkprincess on August 20, 2013, 12:52:42 PM
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.



Why is the OP responsible for making sure her father gets there?  The responsibility lies with her father to get to where he wants to go. If the OP can assist, that is one thing.  But it's not the OP's responsibility to make sure he can do what he wants to do.

His age has nothing to do with it and is a bit of a red herring

His age has everything to do with it.  Elderly people sometimes need help with things and it is becuase of his age that he cannot drive to the party himself.  Maybe it isnít technically the OPís responsibility to get him there, but some of us feel that it would be the right thing to do, especially if the OP is in fact invited to the event.

But what if the OP is not invited? Is it still the right thing to do? The question then is what is the limit? If it is the right thing to take a major part of the day away (three hour driving, 2-3 hour event and lunch) from her children at her expense to an event that she either has to crash or find something else to do at her own expense, what is too much?

I agree that if she really was invited, I dont' think that she was, than it is the "nice" thing for her to do to take him. However he is a capable independant adult and needs to figure out his own life, Taxi, hire a car, pay someone to take him. If he is no longer capable or independant than he needs to recognize that there are things he will no longer be able to do. Family members are not obligated to do anything becuase it is faaaaaamily.

I am also very surprised by the guilt tripping.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: SamiHami on August 20, 2013, 12:59:24 PM
Quote
His age has everything to do with it.  Elderly people sometimes need help with things and it is becuase of his age that he cannot drive to the party himself.  Maybe it isnít technically the OPís responsibility to get him there, but some of us feel that it would be the right thing to do, especially if the OP is in fact invited to the event.

No, it really doesn't. He lives independently and is possession of his mental faculties. He is fully capable of making other arrangements for his own transportation. The OP already does do a great deal for him while trying to maintain her own household and life. It is unreasonable for him to expect/demand that she give up her precious time off to chauffeur him around when he can easily pick up a phone and ask another relative, contact a car service or find some other means of getting to the gathering if really wants to go.

This is not an important medical appointment and he does get to see his family fairly frequently. The OP should be able to say, "Sorry, Pop, not this time. You'll need to find another way there" without being guilted for having her own life.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: DottyG on August 20, 2013, 01:05:43 PM
Other options besides the OP's driving him there have been suggested in this thread.  And, yes.  I do think he needs to go if he wants to see his family - whichever of those options is chosen.
 
Age is not a red herring.  It is an important part of this story.
 
 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: oogyda on August 20, 2013, 01:22:35 PM
Close family would understand your father's circumstances and know that he can't drive and would rely on you to drive him to this event.  If they've flaked on sending an invitation after two phone calls, you're not getting one.  You do have the option to drive him to the event, drop him off, and arrange to pick him up afterward.  You can take yourself shopping or find a place to hang out and read a book if you truly do not want to attend the event.

I can see that the host may feel like the invitation has been extended so they don't need to send out a more formal, written one.  The father of the host may tell the host,

Dad's cousin:  "lkdrymom's dad can't come unless lkdrymom can drive him and asked if she could come to the baptism as well."
Dad's cousin's son:  "Of course she can come.  I will send her an invitation."
Dad's cousin:  "I already told him she could come, so there's no need to send and invitation.  She knows."
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: *inviteseller on August 20, 2013, 01:41:09 PM
But the host has NOT extended an invitation.  He is FB friends with OP so if his dad did talk to him, then he should have called or messaged OP.  I would never take an invitation that came from a conversation with anyone other than the host.  And the guilt tripping of OP..oh your dad is old and wants to see his family..that's just wrong .  OP has a job, a home, kids that come first with her time and energy.  Even if she had been invited (and I really do not think she was) she is under absolutely no obligation to cart her father around to whatever he wants to do.  Now that my dad can't drive and my step mother shouldn't, my sister is being gracious to supply rides for appointments and shopping, but step mom is expecting to do things when my sister has to work and actually told my step brother, who offered to take her shopping no, because she wanted my sister to do it but got upset when my sister couldn't do it when she wanted her to.  Yes, it is nice for us to take care of our elderly parents, I know this summer has been a wash as that is what I have done, but when you are expected to jump when they snap their fingers because they want to do something, well, no, that is entitled SS behavior and age doesn't give you a pass over decent behavior.  The only reason OP's dad is pushing for OP to be invited is so he has a ride IMO.

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Eeep! on August 20, 2013, 01:44:37 PM
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.

But her father isn't senile. if the event is important to him, he is perfectly capable of doing all of that himself.  Why is this the OP's duty?
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: DottyG on August 20, 2013, 01:46:23 PM
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.

But her father isn't senile. if the event is important to him, he is perfectly capable of doing all of that himself.  Why is this the OP's duty?

Again, other options have been suggested besides the OP's driving him.

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: YummyMummy66 on August 20, 2013, 01:48:30 PM
Ok, my question is, (at this point, you know you were not originally invited, and if you receive an invite now, you know it will only be because dad needs someone to drive him)...

Do you want to drive your dad or not to this event?   Whether you were actuall invited or not?

If not, then you need to tell dad, that sorry, no matter what, you will not be driving him to said event on said day.  If he wants to go, he must find a way there and back.  Maybe he should contact these cousins and ask for their assistance, but that is up to him. 

If he asks why, just state because you have other plans or simply state, you do not feel like wasting a whole day to be in the car to go to an event that you were not originally invited to in the first place and you are now not going to be a party crasher just because he needs a ride. 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Eeep! on August 20, 2013, 01:50:35 PM
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.

But her father isn't senile. if the event is important to him, he is perfectly capable of doing all of that himself.  Why is this the OP's duty?

Again, other options have been suggested besides the OP's driving him.

Yes, but they are options that can be arranged by her father for himself. That's my point.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: DottyG on August 20, 2013, 01:54:11 PM
OP, I'm going to go against the grain here too. While I understand your dilemma, you said the family lacks in etiquette in many ways.

Your father is 86 years old. How many more times will he get to see family? I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. While there is a head count, you always count on no shows and extras when planning an event.

Put it this way, my father dropped dead walking across the lawn 7 years ago. 2 weeks before this happened, my mother's (who passed in 1989) little brother and wife traveled from down south to visit. My father came to my house to see them and we all had a great time together.  Two weeks later, he was gone. Do you really want to deny your dad of seeing family, maybe for one last time, because you did not get an invite in the mail?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound snippy, just pointing out what could happen.

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying the words. This is an 86 year old man. I know there may be some past with the two of you. And I know you feel that the lack of a formal invite means you can't go. But etiquette isn't as rigid as that. Yes, there are etiquette rules. But there are also some areas in which things aren't as cut and dried as that. This is one of those times. Please see if there's a way to get your father there. Whether that's taking him yourself, putting him in a cab, finding another ride with someone or something. But I do think this is important enough that he be able to be there.

But her father isn't senile. if the event is important to him, he is perfectly capable of doing all of that himself.  Why is this the OP's duty?

Again, other options have been suggested besides the OP's driving him.

Yes, but they are options that can be arranged by her father for himself. That's my point.

True.  But I'd be helping him do it.  I'd do the same for anyone - family or not.  It's just something that I'd do for someone who wants to see their family.  At the very least, telling him the options given in the thread.  But, as for me, I'd be helping him a little more directly.

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Goosey on August 20, 2013, 02:03:03 PM
That's nice, but definitely shouldn't be an obligation.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: PastryGoddess on August 20, 2013, 02:10:42 PM

True.  But I'd be helping him do it.  I'd do the same for anyone - family or not.  It's just something that I'd do for someone who wants to see their family.  At the very least, telling him the options given in the thread.  But, as for me, I'd be helping him a little more directly.


That certainly is your prerogative to do so.  But you shouldn't assume that everyone will feel the same way about taking on these tasks as you do.  You are not wrong for wanting the OP to step in to do more for her father due to his age.  However, the OP is not wrong for not wanting to step up due to her own obligations. 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: DottyG on August 20, 2013, 02:11:33 PM
That's nice, but definitely shouldn't be an obligation.

Very little in life is an obligation.  A lot of things are just things that are nice things to do.  And this is one in which I'd be doing something to help him.  Again, even if it were just letting him know the various options available to him.


Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Goosey on August 20, 2013, 02:13:58 PM
That's nice, but definitely shouldn't be an obligation.

Very little in life is an obligation.  A lot of things are just things that are nice things to do.  And this is one in which I'd be doing something to help him.  Again, even if it were just letting him know the various options available to him.

The point is that your choices have very little baring on the OP. You may have the time and inclination to be on call for situations like this, but it's not to be expected of everyone or even anyone.

I'm sure her father knows the various options available to him. He's an adult of sound mind.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Allyson on August 20, 2013, 02:23:20 PM
It's just that the 'Well, *I* would do such and such' can sometimes come off as guilt-tripping, or as saying your choices should be what the 'right' thing to do is. That's not always true, sometimes it does seem more like sharing experiences and perspectives. But, the constant repetition of the father's age being 86 by multiple posters, and the emotionally-tinged phrasing about how he might die soon and just wants to see his family, is I think what people are responding to as guilt-tripping.

Sometimes there'll be a post discussing, oh, say, going to a family wedding, and people will say things like "I guess my priorities are different, because I would make every effort to go" and it just comes off as moralizing.

I think with the history of the OP's relationship with her dad, I understand her hesitancy. There are also two issues being conflated--the casual/in question nature of the invitation itself, and whether the OP should facilitate her father going.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Goosey on August 20, 2013, 02:26:54 PM
True.  But I'd be helping him do it.  I'd do the same for anyone - family or not.  It's just something that I'd do for someone who wants to see their family.  At the very least, telling him the options given in the thread.  But, as for me, I'd be helping him a little more directly.

This seemed like a guilt trip or judgement - or at least a hint of superiority.

This too:
Quote
Very little in life is an obligation.  A lot of things are just things that are nice things to do.  And this is one in which I'd be doing something to help him.  Again, even if it were just letting him know the various options available to him.

People seem to not be thinking of the father as an independent person. All the OP needs to say is "no, I wont be able to drive you." The father is an adult. He can take it from them and doesn't need to be condescended to. The OP seems to do a lot for her father already.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: TurtleDove on August 20, 2013, 02:29:45 PM
Sometimes there'll be a post discussing, oh, say, going to a family wedding, and people will say things like "I guess my priorities are different, because I would make every effort to go" and it just comes off as moralizing.


I agree with this statement, but would add that such statements do not bother me in the slightest when I am confident in my own priorities.  I cannot please everyone all the time, so I think through my actions and do what I believe is correct.  I might think the person making the statement is judgmental, or has whacked priorities herself, but it wouldn't cause me to feel bad about my own priorities and decisions.

Here, I think the OP needs to decide what she wants to do and not be guilted by anyone else. Let other people judge, should they so desire.  It does not have to affect the OP.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: auntmeegs on August 20, 2013, 02:31:21 PM
It's just that the 'Well, *I* would do such and such' can sometimes come off as guilt-tripping, or as saying your choices should be what the 'right' thing to do is. That's not always true, sometimes it does seem more like sharing experiences and perspectives. But, the constant repetition of the father's age being 86 by multiple posters, and the emotionally-tinged phrasing about how he might die soon and just wants to see his family, is I think what people are responding to as guilt-tripping.

Sometimes there'll be a post discussing, oh, say, going to a family wedding, and people will say things like "I guess my priorities are different, because I would make every effort to go" and it just comes off as moralizing.

I think with the history of the OP's relationship with her dad, I understand her hesitancy. There are also two issues being conflated--the casual/in question nature of the invitation itself, and whether the OP should facilitate her father going.

Yeah, but the OP asked us what she should do.  Obviously our answers are goign to be based on what we ourselves would do or what we think the right thing to do is - that's built in.  In some cases that is different than what the OP wants to do.  That doesn't mean anyone is guilt-tripping or being superior.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Goosey on August 20, 2013, 02:32:57 PM
Being judged by others doesn't bother you?

I am confident in the majority of my choices, but having other chastize me for them is both condescending and insulting. I don't think it's reasonable to expect everyone to be unaffected by that.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: wolfie on August 20, 2013, 02:35:01 PM
It's just that the 'Well, *I* would do such and such' can sometimes come off as guilt-tripping, or as saying your choices should be what the 'right' thing to do is. That's not always true, sometimes it does seem more like sharing experiences and perspectives. But, the constant repetition of the father's age being 86 by multiple posters, and the emotionally-tinged phrasing about how he might die soon and just wants to see his family, is I think what people are responding to as guilt-tripping.

Sometimes there'll be a post discussing, oh, say, going to a family wedding, and people will say things like "I guess my priorities are different, because I would make every effort to go" and it just comes off as moralizing.

I think with the history of the OP's relationship with her dad, I understand her hesitancy. There are also two issues being conflated--the casual/in question nature of the invitation itself, and whether the OP should facilitate her father going.

Yeah, but the OP asked us what she should do.  Obviously our answers are goign to be based on what we ourselves would do or what we think the right thing to do is - that's built in.  In some cases that is different than what the OP wants to do.  That doesn't mean anyone is guilt-tripping or being superior.

I think someone posting that her father is 86 and could die tomorrow and therefore she should do this is guilt tripping - why bring up his age and the fact that he could die if not to induce guilt for not doing it? Truth is that the OP could die tomorrow too.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: cheyne on August 20, 2013, 02:37:42 PM
I'm still stuck on the point of thinking that the baby's father (who would be a great nephew of OP's dad) tendered a courtesy invite to OP's dad as a way of keeping peace with his own father.  If OP's dad is as close to baby's grandfather as OP says, then baby's dad and grandpa have to know that OP's dad can not drive himself down for the baptism. 

If baby's dad really wanted OP's dad to attend, he would have invited OP himself or even let her know/asked her if she was coming on FB. 

Perhaps baby's dad is not very close to OP's dad and really doesn't want him to come or doesn't have the room for him and OP, but knows that his dad (OP's dad's nephew) wanted him to invite OP's dad.

At any rate, OP you are not wrong to refuse to go without an invite.  If you were invited you would have, you know, an invitation.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: TurtleDove on August 20, 2013, 02:42:49 PM
Being judged by others doesn't bother you?

I am confident in the majority of my choices, but having other chastize me for them is both condescending and insulting. I don't think it's reasonable to expect everyone to be unaffected by that.

Oh, I don't expect anyone to do anything.  I was saying what I do and pointing out that the OP (or anyone) can choose whether to let the judgments/guilting/superiority of others affect them.  It doesn't have to.  We are all judged by dozens (hundreds? thousands?) of people every day for various things, from the clothing we wear to the work we do to the comments we make on anonymous internet boards. It would be exhausting to truly care about all of the judgment others make about me.  I pay attention to the opinions of people who matter to me, I pay attention to the opinions that make sense to me or that cause me to take another look at my own actions, and I ignore the opinions that either make no sense to me or that I think are obnoxious or "wrong" or whatever.  If the judgmet is a value add to my life, I try to absorb that value.  If a judgment is not, I blissfully ignore it and go on with my life. 

I am not saying everyone has to do this.  I am saying the OP can choose which judgments/guilting/superiority she allows to affect her.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Goosey on August 20, 2013, 02:45:39 PM
I think saying people "let" or "allow" things bother them is putting the burden on the "victim" not to FEEL something that is perfectly valid and accepted and even predictable to feel. It's not a choice - it's natural emotion.

You can make the choice to move on or internalize the hurt, but feeling hurt isn't a choice you make. It's something that's done to you.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: SlitherHiss on August 20, 2013, 02:49:05 PM
Being judged by others doesn't bother you?

I am confident in the majority of my choices, but having other chastise me for them is both condescending and insulting. I don't think it's reasonable to expect everyone to be unaffected by that.

Oh, I don't expect anyone to do anything.  I was saying what I do and pointing out that the OP (or anyone) can choose whether to let the judgments/guilting/superiority of others affect them.  It doesn't have to.  We are all judged by dozens (hundreds? thousands?) of people every day for various things, from the clothing we wear to the work we do to the comments we make on anonymous internet boards. It would be exhausting to truly care about all of the judgment others make about me.  I pay attention to the opinions of people who matter to me, I pay attention to the opinions that make sense to me or that cause me to take another look at my own actions, and I ignore the opinions that either make no sense to me or that I think are obnoxious or "wrong" or whatever.  If the judgment is a value add to my life, I try to absorb that value.  If a judgment is not, I blissfully ignore it and go on with my life. 

I am not saying everyone has to do this.  I am saying the OP can choose which judgments/guilting/superiority she allows to affect her.

Well, the OP could try not to let it bother her, but most people don't just have an on/off switch for their emotions, or the desire or ability to simply shut out the world and its opinions. None of us live in a vacuum.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Wordgeek on August 20, 2013, 02:53:22 PM
I've locked the thread to allow people to catch up on the reading, and to cool off.

The side discussion on guilt-tripping and judgmentalism isn't particularly helpful.

ETA thread reopened.  As I noted, the guilt and judging sidebar isn't adding much.  Please confine the discussion to relevant, useful, productive contributions.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on August 20, 2013, 06:11:52 PM
Thanks for all the responses. Everyone has their own point of view and their own experiences that dictate how they look at a situation.

Some more points....if my father had another way there he would not care in the least if I was invited or not. But since I am the only way he can think of to get there he is making a big deal of this.

Had I received an invite when they originally went out I would have gone. If I receive one tomorrow...no I don't want to go. I was not offended when I did not receive an invitation, I don't expect to be invited to everything. I no longer want to go because I am embarrassed that my father called (twice) over this and made a big deal over it. My father does not care that he embarrassed me....this is FAMILY and I need to get over it. (So he can get to the party!!!)

Yes I am sure they really want my father there, he is quite popular with them.

I don't think the parents were trying to purposely exclude me. I think I am far enough removed from them that they just didn't think to invite me. No big deal.  It never occured to them how "uncle Bull" was going to get there.  And quite frankly I would be quite upset to find I am only invited to family gatherings so he has a ride.

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: PastryGoddess on August 20, 2013, 06:20:58 PM
It sounds like you are not going period.  So In that case I think you need to be proactive and find options for your father to attend that don't involve you.  Put a list together of cab companies and car services with contact info, estimated rates, and give it to your father.  This way if he badgers you again, you can point to the list and say these are his only options for getting there.  Also if you have a document created, when it's time for another event and he claims he's lost it, you can print it off and give it to him again.

He can be annoyed, angry, upset, or whatever when you say no to him. But you are not responsible for his feelings and you don't need to worry about making him feel better. He has two choices: Get over it or die mad. 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: White Lotus on August 20, 2013, 07:09:46 PM
This is not, I predict, going to end well.  If OP just tells her father she is not going and he is on his own, holy heck will break loose and OP will end up going at the last second, because "of course she was invited.  Dad TOLD Uncle Bull so, twice!"  If her father ends up not going, she'll never hear the end of it.  "Of course she was invited...."  She will never hear the end of it, either way.
Giving Uncle Bull a list of options isn't going to cut it, either.  He will not do anything because he wants OP to drive him, come hell or high water.  Also, it sounds like car services are not an option where they live, and even cabs might be impossible.  Airport ride services from small towns are often independent and flexible.  So are teenagers and college kids, many of whom would love to earn ten bucks an hour, a full tank of gas, and lunch money.
I think OP needs to make her father's transportation arrangements for her own sanity and not go herself,  because she was not invited.  Find a local young person to be his chauffeur for the day.  It may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship -- at least until graduation. 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: gramma dishes on August 20, 2013, 07:13:01 PM
This is not, I predict, going to end well.  If OP just tells her father she is not going and he is on his own, holy heck will break loose and OP will end up going at the last second, because "of course she was invited.  Dad TOLD Uncle Bull so, twice!"  If her father ends up not going, she'll never hear the end of it.  "Of course she was invited...."  She will never hear the end of it, either way.
Giving Uncle Bull a list of options isn't going to cut it, either.  He will not do anything because he wants OP to drive him, come hell or high water.  Also, it sounds like car services are not an option where they live, and even cabs might be impossible.  Airport ride services from small towns are often independent and flexible.  So are teenagers and college kids, many of whom would love to earn ten bucks an hour, a full tank of gas, and lunch money.
I think OP needs to make her father's transportation arrangements for her own sanity and not go herself,  because she was not invited.  Find a local young person to be his chauffeur for the day.  It may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship -- at least until graduation.
 

That's such a novel idea!  I would never have thought of that, but you know.  It just might work!
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: cutejellybeen on August 20, 2013, 07:18:51 PM
It sounds like you are not going period.  So In that case I think you need to be proactive and find options for your father to attend that don't involve you.  Put a list together of cab companies and car services with contact info, estimated rates, and give it to your father.  This way if he badgers you again, you can point to the list and say these are his only options for getting there.  Also if you have a document created, when it's time for another event and he claims he's lost it, you can print it off and give it to him again.

He can be annoyed, angry, upset, or whatever when you say no to him. But you are not responsible for his feelings and you don't need to worry about making him feel better. He has two choices: Get over it or die mad.

I understand what you are saying here Pastry Goddess - but I don't think the OP needs to do such a list at all. Why spend more time and effort that likely won't help the situation. I think it could make it worse if her father is anything like mine!

Good Luck OP. I hope you can get through this event, and try to find a way to live with your difficult father.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: PastryGoddess on August 20, 2013, 07:36:37 PM
It sounds like you are not going period.  So In that case I think you need to be proactive and find options for your father to attend that don't involve you.  Put a list together of cab companies and car services with contact info, estimated rates, and give it to your father.  This way if he badgers you again, you can point to the list and say these are his only options for getting there.  Also if you have a document created, when it's time for another event and he claims he's lost it, you can print it off and give it to him again.

He can be annoyed, angry, upset, or whatever when you say no to him. But you are not responsible for his feelings and you don't need to worry about making him feel better. He has two choices: Get over it or die mad.

I understand what you are saying here Pastry Goddess - but I don't think the OP needs to do such a list at all. Why spend more time and effort that likely won't help the situation. I think it could make it worse if her father is anything like mine!

Good Luck OP. I hope you can get through this event, and try to find a way to live with your difficult father.
The OP cares about her father and wants him to be happy. Otherwise, rather than posting on how to mitigate this problem, she could have simply said "I'm not invited...oh well" and washed her hands of the whole situation.  She has asked us for advice on how to mitigate this issue.  I'm just trying to help find a way that saves OP's sanity but still gives her a way to respectfully put the ball back in her father's court. 

This is not the first post of OP's where she has to deal with her father demanding that she take the time to ferry him around.  From previous posts it seems that the default is that OP is his chauffeur and if she can't do it then it's HER job to make sure he can get where he wants to go.  I'm trying to give her ways to break the cycle without leaving Dad with no options. 

Op has said that she is available at times to take her dad to and from places, and for the most part she doesn't mind.  However, there are times when she either can't or doesn't want to be his chauffeur.  Not everyone can say no and let the chips fall where they may  So at least with the list the OP is giving her dad a solution to the problem of her not being available to ferry him around.  He doesn't have to like it, but the OP can at least say that she has done what she can in order to make sure Dad can get where he wants to go.  It's still on Dad to follow through or make alternate arrangements.  If Dad chooses not to follow up on other options, that is his fault for not doing it. 

Personally I am of the mind that if you're going to talk about me, I'm going to make sure you have something to talk about. So if you want to make a big deal over me not doing you a favor, then I'll be darned sure that I never do you another favor again.  :)  I have also been called stubborn, mule headed, and intractable, so um maybe you don't want to go quite this far *shrug*
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: DottyG on August 20, 2013, 09:00:05 PM
This is not, I predict, going to end well.  If OP just tells her father she is not going and he is on his own, holy heck will break loose and OP will end up going at the last second, because "of course she was invited.  Dad TOLD Uncle Bull so, twice!"  If her father ends up not going, she'll never hear the end of it.  "Of course she was invited...."  She will never hear the end of it, either way.
Giving Uncle Bull a list of options isn't going to cut it, either.  He will not do anything because he wants OP to drive him, come hell or high water.  Also, it sounds like car services are not an option where they live, and even cabs might be impossible.  Airport ride services from small towns are often independent and flexible.  So are teenagers and college kids, many of whom would love to earn ten bucks an hour, a full tank of gas, and lunch money.
I think OP needs to make her father's transportation arrangements for her own sanity and not go herself,  because she was not invited.  Find a local young person to be his chauffeur for the day.  It may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship -- at least until graduation.
 

That's such a novel idea!  I would never have thought of that, but you know.  It just might work!

I love it, too. :)

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on August 20, 2013, 09:03:29 PM
Who would be paying for this?  I can see that reaching $150 quite easily.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: gramma dishes on August 20, 2013, 09:20:21 PM
Who would be paying for this?  I can see that reaching $150 quite easily.

Yes.  It might.  It might be a wake up call to "Uncle Bull" and his brother that the services the OP has been providing and is expected apparently to continue to provide are costing HER money.  It's time for the man who wants to go so badly and the guy who wants him there so much to step up to the plate and pay the piper themselves!!
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: PastryGoddess on August 20, 2013, 09:22:02 PM
Who would be paying for this?  I can see that reaching $150 quite easily.

Your father would pay for it.  If he wants to go somewhere , you're not available, and there are no other family members available then he would have to pay someone to take him anyway. 

or what gramma dishes said  :P

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: LifeOnPluto on August 20, 2013, 10:06:30 PM
This is not, I predict, going to end well.  If OP just tells her father she is not going and he is on his own, holy heck will break loose and OP will end up going at the last second, because "of course she was invited.  Dad TOLD Uncle Bull so, twice!"  If her father ends up not going, she'll never hear the end of it.  "Of course she was invited...."  She will never hear the end of it, either way.
Giving Uncle Bull a list of options isn't going to cut it, either.  He will not do anything because he wants OP to drive him, come hell or high water.  Also, it sounds like car services are not an option where they live, and even cabs might be impossible.  Airport ride services from small towns are often independent and flexible.  So are teenagers and college kids, many of whom would love to earn ten bucks an hour, a full tank of gas, and lunch money.
I think OP needs to make her father's transportation arrangements for her own sanity and not go herself,  because she was not invited.  Find a local young person to be his chauffeur for the day.  It may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship -- at least until graduation.
 

That's such a novel idea!  I would never have thought of that, but you know.  It just might work!

I love it, too. :)

I agree it would be a great solution for many people.

However, if the OP's father is anything like my late grandmother, I can easily see him refusing to get into a car with a "stranger". Especially one so young.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: kareng57 on August 20, 2013, 11:01:02 PM
My 2 cents is that OP is not a taxi service. Why add insult to injury and be a long-distance taxi service to not even attend a family event? If family is so important to OP's father, why isn't OP's father important to extended family? Why aren't they making sure he has a ride? Why isn't OP important enough to them to be invited (with or without her father)? Heck, why isn't OP's comfort and time valuable to her own father? He cares about what he wants to do and not about the fact that his child is being disrespected and not sent an invitation. Or about OP's freetime.

I say, you weren't invited. Let your father, who lives alone ask other family members for a ride. Or he can try to host a gathering himself in his own town (at a restaurant, if at home is too much work) and he can invite the same people to come see him, if he wants to see them so much.

POD!!!!

Sorry OP, but I don't for one moment believe there was a paper invitation that was lost in the mail.  That sort of thing does happen, of course, but I don't think that was the case in this instance.


Why not?  I don't think that you're in Canada, but the postal service here is abysmal.  The official website will assert that mail will reach its destination within 3 or 4 days - but IME it can mean 3 or 4 weeks.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: TheaterDiva1 on August 21, 2013, 12:17:40 AM
Okay... Never mind whether OP was even invited... Let's assume she's not.  If she was and couldn't go for whatever reason, she's still be in the same situation.  If it's that important to her father, he'll find a way to go.  If it's that important to their relatives, they'll make sure he has a way of getting there.  Basically, the question is: how can her father get there in a way that doesn't involve OP?  There are plenty of suggestions in this thread.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Curly Wurly Doggie Breath on August 21, 2013, 05:48:59 AM
This is not, I predict, going to end well.  If OP just tells her father she is not going and he is on his own, holy heck will break loose and OP will end up going at the last second, because "of course she was invited.  Dad TOLD Uncle Bull so, twice!"  If her father ends up not going, she'll never hear the end of it.  "Of course she was invited...."  She will never hear the end of it, either way.
Giving Uncle Bull a list of options isn't going to cut it, either.  He will not do anything because he wants OP to drive him, come hell or high water.  Also, it sounds like car services are not an option where they live, and even cabs might be impossible.  Airport ride services from small towns are often independent and flexible.  So are teenagers and college kids, many of whom would love to earn ten bucks an hour, a full tank of gas, and lunch money.
I think OP needs to make her father's transportation arrangements for her own sanity and not go herself,  because she was not invited.  Find a local young person to be his chauffeur for the day.  It may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship -- at least until graduation.
 

That's such a novel idea!  I would never have thought of that, but you know.  It just might work!

I love it, too. :)

I agree it would be a great solution for many people.

However, if the OP's father is anything like my late grandmother, I can easily see him refusing to get into a car with a "stranger". Especially one so young.

LOP obviously has met my late father  :-[
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Redsoil on August 21, 2013, 06:51:49 AM
I actually find it unusual that one would need to be "invited" to a baptism.  Every baptism I've attended has been word-of-mouth and anyone who wishes to attend, may do so.  The only time I've ever received an official invitation is when I was asked to be Godmother to a friend's children.

Is it really common in the US that one needs an invite for such an event?
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Goosey on August 21, 2013, 07:08:17 AM
Usually there is an announcement of the baptism and an invitation to the celebration afterwards.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: *inviteseller on August 21, 2013, 07:57:21 AM
While the church service is open to anyone, the party after is usually an invitation type event especially because it is usually a restaurant or catered event.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: darkprincess on August 21, 2013, 11:38:46 AM
Ikdry, I don't think you are responsible to drive him, make a list, or find alternatives, etc. But we all know that sometimes especially with people that we will continue to have a relationship with, we do things to make the relationship if not get better, at least not get worse.
Because of this I think you might want to consider making a list of phone numbers of taxi's, find a local college/high school student that might be willing to drive him (with him paying of course). You could even talk to people who are babysitters for children, maybe they would be willing to "babysit" your dad.

Print the list, hand it to him, wash your hands of the situation and then make plans with your kids for the day of the babtism. Do this so you can clearly say you are not available and cant be bamboozled at the last minute to drive.
If he is not able to go maybe the family members will learn that if they want him there they will need to consider his special transportation needs. Sometimes people need see the consequences so the can make better plans in the future.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Aeris on August 21, 2013, 11:50:05 AM
I actually find it unusual that one would need to be "invited" to a baptism.  Every baptism I've attended has been word-of-mouth and anyone who wishes to attend, may do so.  The only time I've ever received an official invitation is when I was asked to be Godmother to a friend's children.

Is it really common in the US that one needs an invite for such an event?

I'm in the US, and I don't think I've ever received a formal, written invitation to baptisms or christenings. It's usually word of mouth, or maaaaybe an evite. I wouldn't be surprised to receive a paper invite, but I also wouldn't be surprised to just be told word-of-mouth about a family party. But every family/region is different.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: cheyne on August 21, 2013, 12:04:54 PM
Thanks for all the responses. Everyone has their own point of view and their own experiences that dictate how they look at a situation.

Some more points....if my father had another way there he would not care in the least if I was invited or not. But since I am the only way he can think of to get there he is making a big deal of this.

Had I received an invite when they originally went out I would have gone. If I receive one tomorrow...no I don't want to go. I was not offended when I did not receive an invitation, I don't expect to be invited to everything. I no longer want to go because I am embarrassed that my father called (twice) over this and made a big deal over it. My father does not care that he embarrassed me....this is FAMILY and I need to get over it. (So he can get to the party!!!)

Yes I am sure they really want my father there, he is quite popular with them.

I don't think the parents were trying to purposely exclude me. I think I am far enough removed from them that they just didn't think to invite me. No big deal.  It never occurred to them how "uncle Bull" was going to get there.  And quite frankly I would be quite upset to find I am only invited to family gatherings so he has a ride.

Thank you for answering the question I was stuck on (bolded sentence). 

I agree you are pretty far removed from the father of the baby for an invite to a baptism and reception after.  You would be a second cousin (possibly once removed) from the baby if I am figuring right.  I can see where the parents of the baby don't want to extend the invites out that far.  As with a wedding, the invites have to stop at some point in the circle of family/friends.  However, what you and I think isn't important, the fact that you weren't invited is.  There is no way that you can just show up to this event and still be straight with the etiquette of it.

The idea of a college student driving your father is an excellent one.  Perhaps your father will come to understand the amount of time/money you are spending to get him places when he has to pay for it himself. 


 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited update 127
Post by: lkdrymom on August 22, 2013, 06:05:13 PM
Thought I would give you all an update. Had lunch with my father today and I was really dreading the conversation. I decided that I would take the JADE approach and tell him I just wasn't going.  Turns out I didn't need to.

Seems my father and cousin have finally figured out that I really was not invited. My cousin offered to pick my father up.  In true form, now that my father had a ride to the party he no longer cared if I was invited or not.  I told him it was very nice of cousin to go to all that trouble of getting him there. I said he would have to leave his house very early that morning to pick up my father and make it back in time. My father asked what time cousin would have to leave and I said 7am. He said he didn't see what the big deal was...he gets up at 4am every day. So there you have it, he has no clue that my cousin will be spending anywhere from 5-6 hours in the car that day just so my father can go to the party.

I did also make it clear to my father that he was not to ever call a relative again looking for an invite for me so he would have a ride. I also told him that if I started to feel like I was only being invited someplace just so he had a ride I would not be going.

I am so glad I followed the rules of ettiquette and did not assume I was invited. It would have been so embarrassing if I had just shown up.

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited update 127
Post by: gramma dishes on August 22, 2013, 06:39:32 PM
...   My father asked what time cousin would have to leave and I said 7am. He said he didn't see what the big deal was...he gets up at 4am every day. So there you have it, he has no clue that my cousin will be spending anywhere from 5-6 hours in the car that day just so my father can go to the party. ...
  You know, that's just sad.  It's so sad your Dad really does not seem to appreciate what other people have done and are doing for him.  I fear he's just going to alienate people with his feeling of entitlement -- that people are SUPPOSED to do nice things for him, and like it, by golly!!

I'm glad things worked out that you didn't go and that you didn't find yourself in an embarrassing situation.  Relax and have a wonderful time with all those extra hours while he's gone!  ;-)
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited update 127
Post by: AnnaJ on August 22, 2013, 06:45:24 PM
Thought I would give you all an update. Had lunch with my father today and I was really dreading the conversation. I decided that I would take the JADE approach and tell him I just wasn't going.  Turns out I didn't need to.

Seems my father and cousin have finally figured out that I really was not invited. My cousin offered to pick my father up.  In true form, now that my father had a ride to the party he no longer cared if I was invited or not.  I told him it was very nice of cousin to go to all that trouble of getting him there. I said he would have to leave his house very early that morning to pick up my father and make it back in time. My father asked what time cousin would have to leave and I said 7am. He said he didn't see what the big deal was...he gets up at 4am every day. So there you have it, he has no clue that my cousin will be spending anywhere from 5-6 hours in the car that day just so my father can go to the party.

I did also make it clear to my father that he was not to ever call a relative again looking for an invite for me so he would have a ride. I also told him that if I started to feel like I was only being invited someplace just so he had a ride I would not be going.

I am so glad I followed the rules of ettiquette and did not assume I was invited. It would have been so embarrassing if I had just shown up.

On the positive side, I'm glad this worked out for you.

But the bolded text bothers me a great deal.  You can certainly make your own choice about these future situations (and I think you made a good choice, given your feelings) but you really have no right telling your father what he can or cannot do. 

Your other relative volunteered to give your father a ride - maybe he actually wants to spend the time with your dad visiting in the car; maybe he thinks it's important to your father and the rest of the family to see each other, even if he doesn't want to do it; maybe the drive isn't a bit deal to him - I live in the western U.S. and have done this sort of drive often.  Bluntly, if your father asks for a ride and someone chooses to provide it, it's really not your concern.
 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited update 127
Post by: gramma dishes on August 22, 2013, 06:48:02 PM
Thought I would give you all an update. Had lunch with my father today and I was really dreading the conversation. I decided that I would take the JADE approach and tell him I just wasn't going.  Turns out I didn't need to.

Seems my father and cousin have finally figured out that I really was not invited. My cousin offered to pick my father up.  In true form, now that my father had a ride to the party he no longer cared if I was invited or not.  I told him it was very nice of cousin to go to all that trouble of getting him there. I said he would have to leave his house very early that morning to pick up my father and make it back in time. My father asked what time cousin would have to leave and I said 7am. He said he didn't see what the big deal was...he gets up at 4am every day. So there you have it, he has no clue that my cousin will be spending anywhere from 5-6 hours in the car that day just so my father can go to the party.

I did also make it clear to my father that he was not to ever call a relative again looking for an invite for me so he would have a ride. I also told him that if I started to feel like I was only being invited someplace just so he had a ride I would not be going.

I am so glad I followed the rules of ettiquette and did not assume I was invited. It would have been so embarrassing if I had just shown up.

On the positive side, I'm glad this worked out for you.

But the bolded text bothers me a great deal.  You can certainly make your own choice about these future situations (and I think you made a good choice, given your feelings) but you really have no right telling your father what he can or cannot do. 

Your other relative volunteered to give your father a ride - maybe he actually wants to spend the time with your dad visiting in the car; maybe he thinks it's important to your father and the rest of the family to see each other, even if he doesn't want to do it; maybe the drive isn't a bit deal to him - I live in the western U.S. and have done this sort of drive often.  Bluntly, if your father asks for a ride and someone chooses to provide it, it's really not your concern.

That's not what she said!  Please reread that bolded line!  It includes the words "for me".
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on August 22, 2013, 06:49:51 PM
My father is perfectly welcome to call anyone he wants for a ride. BUT I do think I can tell him not to call others asking for me to be invited so he can have a ride. That is very embarassing for me.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: baglady on August 22, 2013, 06:56:48 PM
She told him not to ask for an invitation for her, not to ask for a ride. If he wants to ask random relative who's attending/putting on the event to provide or arrange a ride for him, that's his business. That's how I'm reading OP's update anyway. And if cousin wants to get up early and come fetch him, that's cousin's business -- obviously they want him there enough to make the trip.

I think OP is within her rights to ask her father not to put her on the spot by fishing for an invitation for her so he'll have a ride. Maybe the extended family will learn from this and realize they have to factor Grandpa's transportation needs into their planning of future events.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: gramma dishes on August 22, 2013, 06:57:55 PM
My father is perfectly welcome to call anyone he wants for a ride. BUT I do think I can tell him not to call others asking for me to be invited so he can have a ride. That is very embarassing for me.

Exactly.  I think you were wise to set him straight on that not so little matter!
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: AnnaJ on August 22, 2013, 08:09:30 PM
My father is perfectly welcome to call anyone he wants for a ride. BUT I do think I can tell him not to call others asking for me to be invited so he can have a ride. That is very embarassing for me.

My abject apologies, Ikdrymom, I completely misread what you said and have no defense other than that I was an idiot.  I absolutely agree with you (now that I read all the words  ::) ) and am happy the situation was resolved.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: kareng57 on August 22, 2013, 10:57:38 PM
While the church service is open to anyone, the party after is usually an invitation type event especially because it is usually a restaurant or catered event.


For our kids, it was not a restaurant/catered event - I did it myself from home.  It was a casual finger-food lunch reception for grandparents, godparents and a few other special people.  If everyone at the had church decided that it would be okay to follow us home it would have been disastrous.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Danika on August 22, 2013, 10:58:08 PM
Thanks for the update! I'm glad that you didn't act on the assumption that your father was correct that you were invited. I'm glad that he's found another ride so that he won't hound you.

And because I can't help myself because your father sounds so much like my mother and my uncle, I have to just say the following three words: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It explains why people like him so much that he's fun and interesting to be around. It also explains why he has zero appreciation for all the time and effort you and your cousin are often willing to put in to help him.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on August 23, 2013, 05:27:28 AM
Yes my father is a tad narcissistic, but thankfully he is not as bad as his mother who I am sure had a gold medal in NPD.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited update 138
Post by: lkdrymom on April 05, 2014, 03:57:37 PM
Just a small update. Invitation for baby's first birthday just arrived in the mail.  Is it wrong of me to think I am only invited just so my father has a ride?
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited update 138
Post by: Texas Mom on April 05, 2014, 04:15:27 PM
Just a small update. Invitation for baby's first birthday just arrived in the mail.  Is it wrong of me to think I am only invited just so my father has a ride?

You're probably spot on.

It appears they've learned a little bit of etiquette, though.   ;)

Is it convenient for you to take him?
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lakey on April 05, 2014, 04:58:11 PM
"Re: But I haven't been invited
ę Reply #121 on: August 21, 2013, 07:51:49 AM Ľ
Quote
I actually find it unusual that one would need to be "invited" to a baptism.  Every baptism I've attended has been word-of-mouth and anyone who wishes to attend, may do so. "

In the Catholic Church anyone can attend any church service including weddings, funerals, and baptisms.
However, you do not go to the wedding receptions and baptism parties unless invited.
In our area parishes provide a lunch after funerals. One of the difficult parts of planning my mother's funeral was trying to estimate how many people would come, so that the ladies who prepare the lunch would know how much to provide.

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited update 138
Post by: Danika on April 05, 2014, 08:55:16 PM
Just a small update. Invitation for baby's first birthday just arrived in the mail.  Is it wrong of me to think I am only invited just so my father has a ride?

Based on the history, I would think the same thing.

My advice is if you really really want to go, bring a gift, and your father and go. But if you don't feel like it, send your regrets and don't listen to anyone, including your father, because they can find other ways for him to get there.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited update 138
Post by: sammycat on April 05, 2014, 09:45:47 PM
Just a small update. Invitation for baby's first birthday just arrived in the mail.  Is it wrong of me to think I am only invited just so my father has a ride?

Based on the history, I would think the same thing.

My advice is if you really really want to go, bring a gift, and your father and go. But if you don't feel like it, send your regrets and don't listen to anyone, including your father, because they can find other ways for him to get there.

Exactly what I was going to say.  :)

OP, remove your father from the equation for the decision making process and decide from there.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on April 06, 2014, 09:39:48 AM
I will probably go mainly to avoid listening to my father's drama. The date does not conflict with anything I have going on and since I am out of work, household chores are all caught up so my weekends are free.  However I don;t have much enthusiasm for going as it seems like a gift grab (the party is at a fire hall) and I really feel I am only invited so my father has a ride.  And as another poster said...at least they seemed to have gained a bit of ettiquette.

Just seems over the top for a first birthday to actually have it in a rented hall. For both my kids I just had immediate family (grandparents, my husband's brothers and sisters and a two of my friends as I don't have any brothers or sisters). I didn't invite MY aunts and uncles and distant cousins.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Mary Lennox on April 06, 2014, 10:13:08 AM
Just seems over the top for a first birthday to actually have it in a rented hall. For both my kids I just had immediate family (grandparents, my husband's brothers and sisters and a two of my friends as I don't have any brothers or sisters). I didn't invite MY aunts and uncles and distant cousins.

Just because you did it one way, doesn't make it wrong for them to do it their way.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on April 06, 2014, 02:05:16 PM
I know and if I was someone they saw on a regular basis I could see being invited.  To me inviting someone you normally wouldn't see to a first birthday seems like a bit much. A college or high graduation party, yes...1st birthday party not so much. But everyone does things differently.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lady_disdain on April 06, 2014, 02:22:01 PM
They can't win, can they? You are ok with not being invited but you won't take your father in that case. If you are invited, you complain that you are only invited to give him a ride.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: gramma dishes on April 06, 2014, 02:43:04 PM
They can't win, can they? You are ok with not being invited but you won't take your father in that case. If you are invited, you complain that you are only invited to give him a ride.

I don't think Lkdrymom is complaining.  I think she is simply stating the facts as she sees them -- and I suspect from her past experience with these people that she is probably absolutely correct.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Danika on April 06, 2014, 03:32:28 PM
They can't win, can they? You are ok with not being invited but you won't take your father in that case. If you are invited, you complain that you are only invited to give him a ride.

It sounds like they don't want to win. They want to have a chauffeur. If they really liked the OP, they'd call her more often and invite her to things without her father and she'd have more of a relationship with them. I'm not saying she couldn't reach out to them more too, if she really enjoyed their company. But if she gets the impression that she's just "the ride" who are we to say that her impression is wrong?
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: MindsEye on April 06, 2014, 03:45:22 PM
If you think that you are only being invited so that your father will have a chauffeur, here is my advice:

1 - Go if you want to, but don't feel obligated to bring anything beyond a card as a gift (especially since you feel this is a gift grab)

Or

2 - Drop your father off at the beginning of the party and pick him up at the end, but don't feel obligated to stay if you don't want to
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: LeveeWoman on April 06, 2014, 03:58:55 PM
If you think that you are only being invited so that your father will have a chauffeur, here is my advice:

1 - Go if you want to, but don't feel obligated to bring anything beyond a card as a gift (especially since you feel this is a gift grab)

Or

2 - Drop your father off at the beginning of the party and pick him up at the end, but don't feel obligated to stay if you don't want to

I'd drop him and then go to a coffeeshop and read a book.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: m2kbug on April 06, 2014, 04:02:47 PM
Would it be so bad to be extended an invitation just for the purpose of chauffeur purposes?  It makes sense to me to make sure the caretaker in whatever capacity is welcome since they are, after all, driving a considerable distance to make sure Grandpa is there.  After the last time, it is clear they need to make sure you know you are welcome rather than rely on second or third hand information and made sure to extend the invitation personally.

Given the history, I understand how you're feeling and I can't offer much beyond what's already been said.  As a family member, you would hope to be invited regardless of whether or not Grandpa needs a ride.  I hope you enjoy the mini-reunion just the same.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited update 138
Post by: TootsNYC on April 06, 2014, 04:47:51 PM
Just a small update. Invitation for baby's first birthday just arrived in the mail.  Is it wrong of me to think I am only invited just so my father has a ride?

Yeah, I think those 5 to 6 hours he spent in the car in order to give your dad a lift really made an impression on your cousin!

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: TootsNYC on April 06, 2014, 04:48:39 PM
Would it be so bad to be extended an invitation just for the purpose of chauffeur purposes?  It makes sense to me to make sure the caretaker in whatever capacity is welcome since they are, after all, driving a considerable distance to make sure Grandpa is there.  After the last time, it is clear they need to make sure you know you are welcome rather than rely on second or third hand information and made sure to extend the invitation personally.

Given the history, I understand how you're feeling and I can't offer much beyond what's already been said.  As a family member, you would hope to be invited regardless of whether or not Grandpa needs a ride.  I hope you enjoy the mini-reunion just the same.

I sort of think it is bad.

I guess I can see your point of view, but I really wouldn't feel invited because they want me, if I were the OP.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on April 06, 2014, 05:07:56 PM
Would it be so bad to be extended an invitation just for the purpose of chauffeur purposes?  It makes sense to me to make sure the caretaker in whatever capacity is welcome since they are, after all, driving a considerable distance to make sure Grandpa is there.  After the last time, it is clear they need to make sure you know you are welcome rather than rely on second or third hand information and made sure to extend the invitation personally.

Given the history, I understand how you're feeling and I can't offer much beyond what's already been said.  As a family member, you would hope to be invited regardless of whether or not Grandpa needs a ride.  I hope you enjoy the mini-reunion just the same.

I sort of think it is bad.

I guess I can see your point of view, but I really wouldn't feel invited because they want me, if I were the OP.

I think it is bad too. They are my relatives but I am only invited so my father has a ride. And you are right....I am sure my cousin reminded his son that he needs to invite me so my father would be able to come.

My feelings were not hurt by not being invited(to the baptism). We aren't that close. And I understand that not everyone gets invited to all things. My father made a big stink about it last time so now I will always have the feeling that I am invited just so he has a ride.

FYI...party is two hours from my house so not something I can drop him at and then come back.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: JenJay on April 06, 2014, 11:21:00 PM
If you're going to go, I say go with an open mind and the mindset that it will be fun. If you feel welcome and enjoy seeing everyone, great! If you end up sitting alone with the distinct impression that you were only invited so your Dad could come, be busy next time (and maybe the time after that, too). It'll sort itself out.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: cross_patch on April 07, 2014, 02:56:42 AM
They can't win, can they? You are ok with not being invited but you won't take your father in that case. If you are invited, you complain that you are only invited to give him a ride.

I have to agree- how do you know that this is not their attempt to start inviting g you to more things? It does seem like you are assuming the worst about them.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: sammycat on April 07, 2014, 03:30:24 AM
I will probably go mainly to avoid listening to my father's drama. The date does not conflict with anything I have going on and since I am out of work, household chores are all caught up so my weekends are free.  However I don;t have much enthusiasm for going as it seems like a gift grab (the party is at a fire hall) and I really feel I am only invited so my father has a ride.  And as another poster said...at least they seemed to have gained a bit of ettiquette.

Just seems over the top for a first birthday to actually have it in a rented hall. For both my kids I just had immediate family (grandparents, my husband's brothers and sisters and a two of my friends as I don't have any brothers or sisters). I didn't invite MY aunts and uncles and distant cousins.

I fail to see how the location, in this case a hall, instantly equates a gift grab? I've been to plenty of kids' parties in halls, as it give the (young) children room to move around without being in danger of breaking any of the household items etc. It's really no different to hiring an indoor play place. There's also nothing wrong with inviting extended family if they are people they're in regular contact with.

I think you are letting previous interactions with this family cloud your judgment here and based on the baptism situation I can see why, and and I'd be wary too of this invitation. Yes, they may only be inviting you in order to be a chauffeur for your father (and for that reason alone I'd probably decline), but they could also be inviting you as an olive branch.

But I think it's very unfair to use the location and/or number of invitees as the excuse when the real reason is based around previous dealings with these people/being used as a chauffeur.

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: aussie_chick on April 07, 2014, 04:33:19 AM
They can't win, can they? You are ok with not being invited but you won't take your father in that case. If you are invited, you complain that you are only invited to give him a ride.

I have to agree- how do you know that this is not their attempt to start inviting g you to more things? It does seem like you are assuming the worst about them.

I am parking my POD here too i think.
Op I think if you feel negatively about the event - where they choose to have it, they're only inviting you to chauffeur your dad, they only want gifts, then just don't go. An invite is not a summons. But to me if you choose to accept their hospitality, regardless of their intent (known or assumed) then you have an obligation to be gracious and positive if you do attend.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: MindsEye on April 07, 2014, 08:44:39 AM
Actually, no that i have re-read the entire thread, I think that I am going to change my advice...  everything else aside (pretend that your father does not need you to be his chauffeur) ... would you want to go to this birthday party?

I was struck by something that the OP said in the resolution of the original thread - "I did also make it clear to my father that he was not to ever call a relative again looking for an invite for me so he would have a ride. I also told him that if I started to feel like I was only being invited someplace just so he had a ride I would not be going."

If you want to go, for you, then by all means go (and take your father) and bring whatever card or level of gift you feel like bringing.

If you really don't want to go... then don't go.  Decline the invite.  Let the cousins come and pick up your father.  They did it before and if they really want your father to be there then they can do it again.

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: GratefulMaria on April 07, 2014, 09:22:42 AM
I will probably go mainly to avoid listening to my father's drama. The date does not conflict with anything I have going on and since I am out of work, household chores are all caught up so my weekends are free.  However I don;t have much enthusiasm for going as it seems like a gift grab (the party is at a fire hall) and I really feel I am only invited so my father has a ride.  And as another poster said...at least they seemed to have gained a bit of ettiquette.

Just seems over the top for a first birthday to actually have it in a rented hall. For both my kids I just had immediate family (grandparents, my husband's brothers and sisters and a two of my friends as I don't have any brothers or sisters). I didn't invite MY aunts and uncles and distant cousins.

I've keep coming back to the bolded above.  Very gently, you're not obligated to listen to your father's drama.  Tune him out, hang up, walk away.  You deserve better than to have the potential for his poor behavior drive your decisions.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: TootsNYC on April 07, 2014, 10:18:18 AM


I think you are letting previous interactions with this family cloud your judgment here and based on the baptism situation I can see why, and and I'd be wary too of this invitation. Yes, they may only be inviting you in order to be a chauffeur for your father (and for that reason alone I'd probably decline), but they could also be inviting you as an olive branch.


Aren't we supposed to use the past as a yardstick to measure the present?

Given the immediate history, I'd definitely be very wary of this invitation. I wouldn't place a lot of trust in the idea that they might be extending an olive branch.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: gramma dishes on April 07, 2014, 10:28:36 AM
If you're going to go, I say go with an open mind and the mindset that it will be fun. If you feel welcome and enjoy seeing everyone, great! If you end up sitting alone with the distinct impression that you were only invited so your Dad could come, be busy next time (and maybe the time after that, too). It'll sort itself out.

I agree with JenJay.  IF you decide to go this time, pay attention to how you're treated.  As a beloved family member or as a hired driver?

If you don't feel welcomed as yourself, then don't be 'available' again.  You'll have your answer.

But if you decide not to go because you simply don't want to, that's also quite legitimate.  There's no obligation for you to drive your Dad everywhere, especially since it's a considerable distance and therefore a lot of time wasted (for you).  Don't let yourself be coerced into being somewhere you really don't want to be.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Outdoor Girl on April 07, 2014, 10:38:07 AM
If you're going to go, I say go with an open mind and the mindset that it will be fun. If you feel welcome and enjoy seeing everyone, great! If you end up sitting alone with the distinct impression that you were only invited so your Dad could come, be busy next time (and maybe the time after that, too). It'll sort itself out.

I agree with JenJay.  IF you decide to go this time, pay attention to how you're treated.  As a beloved family member or as a hired driver?

If you don't feel welcomed as yourself, then don't be 'available' again.  You'll have your answer.

But if you decide not to go because you simply don't want to, that's also quite legitimate.  There's no obligation for you to drive your Dad everywhere, especially since it's a considerable distance and therefore a lot of time wasted (for you).  Don't let yourself be coerced into being somewhere you really don't want to be.

I agree, as well.

My Dad no longer drives long distances.  He's fine around town and coming to my house or my brother's when he knows the route but is not comfortable driving to somewhere he doesn't know.  So if there is an event in another city, I usually drive him.  I'm also individually invited to any events because friends and relatives know that Dad will need someone to drive him.  Some of the events are ones that I would normally be invited to.  Others, maybe not.  For a couple of more formal invitations, Dad has been invited with a +1.  For a little while, I think it was because they weren't sure whether or not he'd be seeing someone after my Mom died and wanted to leave his options open.

But my situation is completely different.  My Dad doesn't take advantage of me.  He always checks if I am available if he needs me to drive him to an appointment and will quite often give me gas money or pay for something in return for the favour.  And if it doesn't work out for me to drive him, he'll check with my brother or another friend.  And if no one is available, he asks to be rescheduled, if it's possible.  If it isn't, he'll pay for transportation, which he's only had to do once, so far.  I live closer to Dad and to the cities where his appointments usually are, which is why I end up doing more of the grunt work than my brother.  But DB steps up when he needs to. 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: GrammarNerd on April 07, 2014, 11:41:31 AM
Actually, no that i have re-read the entire thread, I think that I am going to change my advice...  everything else aside (pretend that your father does not need you to be his chauffeur) ... would you want to go to this birthday party?

I was struck by something that the OP said in the resolution of the original thread - "I did also make it clear to my father that he was not to ever call a relative again looking for an invite for me so he would have a ride. I also told him that if I started to feel like I was only being invited someplace just so he had a ride I would not be going."

If you want to go, for you, then by all means go (and take your father) and bring whatever card or level of gift you feel like bringing.

If you really don't want to go... then don't go.  Decline the invite.  Let the cousins come and pick up your father.  They did it before and if they really want your father to be there then they can do it again.

I agree with all of this. 

IF you can set aside the past, just for a moment, ask yourself how the invitation makes you feel.  If it's anything less than excited, or at least 'Oh, cool....a party!  I get to reconnect with the family!', then when you add in the past chauffeuring incident, then I'd say that yes, you're probably being invited for a ride.

Look, everyone involved is an adult here.  They're obviously capable of figuring things out, like the fact that if they want the OP's dad there, then he has to ride with someone.  And since this is a party, he has to ride with someone who was invited.  So presto....that means an invitation for the OP!

I guess if you really want to find out where you stand, could you take the ride out of the equation?  Is there any way that you could go to the party, but be unable to get your dad?  Might you already be in the area of the party so you can't backtrack to get him, or would you have a really tight schedule so you can't afford the extra time it would take to go to his house, wait for him, etc.?  Could you take a train?  That way, if you're not giving him a ride (the supposed 'purpose' for the invite) then you can find out of the invitation is a sincere one or just a means to an end for them.

Even if there's nothing else you can do, I would NOT mention the party to your dad.  Let THEM (your dad or the cousins) bring it up.  Make THEM ask you for a ride for your dad.  And if your dad does any sort of assumption about you giving him a ride, then I think you have your answer.  Even if he knows you were invited, just that is somewhat telling, because it means that your invitation was brought up to him, and one can extrapolate that it was brought up b/c of the presumed transportation issue.

Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lmyrs on April 07, 2014, 12:08:27 PM
If you don't want to go, then don't go. But don't go if you're going to be all bent out of shape that you were invited. Just because you had your kids' first birthday parties at home doesn't mean that's the right way to do it. They're allowed to celebrate however they want.

Look, you clearly don't want to do this. So, just don't. I don't see why in the world you would attend this when you think so little of the hosts. Tell your dad you're busy and skip it. I think everyone would be happier. Including the people that will be attending because no one wants to have to deal with someone who is mad that they were invited to something when everyone else wants to enjoy it.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: TurtleDove on April 07, 2014, 12:12:34 PM
I agree with lmyrs.  You can decline for any reason or for no reason at all - no one can tell you your reason isn't valid enough (or if they do tell you that, just ignore them).  What you "can't" do is attend and be bitter and bring down those who are happily attending thee vent.  Just don't go if you don't want to go, whether the hosts are horrible people or whether they are extending the invitation as a way of turning over a new leaf and fostering a happy relationship with you.  Their motivation doesn't matter when your mind is already made up (and it absolutely fine to not want to go - just own the decision and move on)!
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: YummyMummy66 on April 07, 2014, 12:52:55 PM
Truthfully, in this case, I would just pretend that I had never received that "now you can be the one to drive your dad to the event because cousin figured out how long he would be in the car" invitation. 

And I would have other plans that day.  No one needs to know that your household chores are caught up.  No one needs to know why you cannot attend.  Including dad.  Cousin offered to drive him.  You made other plans.  Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

This party is not for you to feel guilty about driving your dad.  After some things you have stated, I would have no problem telling dad no. 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Curly Wurly Doggie Breath on April 08, 2014, 04:38:03 AM
OK. Don't Go.

You will find out pretty quickly if you were invited for You. Or if you were invited as a chaufaur.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on April 08, 2014, 06:11:39 AM
If you don't want to go, then don't go. But don't go if you're going to be all bent out of shape that you were invited. Just because you had your kids' first birthday parties at home doesn't mean that's the right way to do it. They're allowed to celebrate however they want.

Look, you clearly don't want to do this. So, just don't. I don't see why in the world you would attend this when you think so little of the hosts. Tell your dad you're busy and skip it. I think everyone would be happier. Including the people that will be attending because no one wants to have to deal with someone who is mad that they were invited to something when everyone else wants to enjoy it.

I think this is a bit harsh. I am not bent out of shape that I am invited.  I am questioning why I was invited since I was not invited to the last event which was a bigger event.  Had my father not made a big deal over me not being invited I probably wouln't even be questioning this but he did so now I wonder. And I do know for a fact that the only reason my father made a big deal over this was so he would have a convenient ride. There is alot more backstory to this that I have written which makes me truly believe that I am only invited to ensure my father a ride. So my feelings are hurt..not over the lack of (previous)invite..but at the realization that they are not interested in seeing me, they just want me to bring my father.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: GratefulMaria on April 08, 2014, 08:09:20 AM
Sorry if this has already been addressed, but how do they behave towards you when you *do* attend?
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: TurtleDove on April 08, 2014, 08:19:51 AM
So my feelings are hurt..not over the lack of (previous)invite..but at the realization that they are not interested in seeing me, they just want me to bring my father.

I think if your feelings are hurt and you cannot happily attend, then you should not attend.  Whether you are right about the motivation for inviting you or not, that is how you are interpreting the invitation, and if this will cause you to not enjoy the event, do not go.

I think you can't have it both ways though - regardless of motivation, they are reaching out to you and including you.  If there is too much backstory for this fact to make a difference, so be it, but at this point I am not certain what they could do that would make your invitation okay with you (and that is fine).
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: JenJay on April 08, 2014, 11:21:23 AM
But you don't know that you were only invited to provide a ride for your dad. Isn't it possible that they realized you're not comfortable being tacked on to your dad's invites and rectified it this time? I understand that they have a closer relationship with your dad than with you, but that doesn't mean they'd happily never see you again if there was another convenient (for them) way to get him to events.

I get the impression that this isn't really about the invitation. I think you resent the combined attitude of these relatives and your dad that of course you'll bring him, as if you have nothing else to do or you owe it to him or whatever. Maybe they want to see you, maybe they don't. It's hard to gauge because every invitation is All About Dad. I understand that. If you don't want a relationship with them at all that's okay. You can decline this and all future invitations until they realize and stop inviting you. What happens with your dad will be up to them to figure out.

If you do want a relationship, keep an open mind and go. See how you're welcomed, if anyone greets you and makes time to chat with you. Take the initiative and sit with someone, start a conversation, see how they respond. If you leave feeling good then go again, if the day confirms that nobody has time for YOU then you'll know what's up. At least then you can decline future invites without the stress!
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on April 14, 2014, 11:38:57 AM
So my feelings are hurt..not over the lack of (previous)invite..but at the realization that they are not interested in seeing me, they just want me to bring my father.

I think if your feelings are hurt and you cannot happily attend, then you should not attend.  Whether you are right about the motivation for inviting you or not, that is how you are interpreting the invitation, and if this will cause you to not enjoy the event, do not go.

I think you can't have it both ways though - regardless of motivation, they are reaching out to you and including you.  If there is too much backstory for this fact to make a difference, so be it, but at this point I am not certain what they could do that would make your invitation okay with you (and that is fine).

I had to think about this for a few days. In some ways you are right, because of alot of backstory to this that I have not included, I think I will always be suspect of any invitations coming from certain members on this side of the family. And yes I probably would not enjoy myself if I did attend.  I always feel like an afterthought on this side of the family. It is a shame because we were quite close growing up  then a family feud tore all that apart. now that the family is back together I have experienced my father on many occassions pushing me aside so he can stay in the good graces of his brother's family.

I did see my father over the weekend and he did not bring up the invitation. He probably thinks I was not invited. I don't plan on bringing it up to him. The more I think of it, the less I want to go.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Texas Mom on April 14, 2014, 12:57:15 PM
I did see my father over the weekend and he did not bring up the invitation. He probably thinks I was not invited. I don't plan on bringing it up to him. The more I think of it, the less I want to go.

Communicate your regrets (previous commitment, of course) promptly so they can make other transportation arrangements for your father.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on April 21, 2014, 06:06:58 AM
My father brought up the invite when I was taking him grocery shopping last week.  I think he is under the impression I was not invited.  He expressed that he really did not want to go ( he thinks a big party for a 1 year old is over the top)...and besides he did not have a way of getting there.  I kept my mouth shut. He never asked me if I received an invitation.  I am just going to buy a card and maybe a gift card and send my regrets.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Winterlight on April 21, 2014, 08:43:55 AM
That seems wise.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Danika on April 21, 2014, 11:58:00 AM
I agree. I like your plan and how you handled everything.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited final update 178
Post by: lkdrymom on May 01, 2014, 12:01:49 PM
Last of the updates. I was taking my father grocery shopping today when he asked if I had been invited to the party and I said I was.  I told him I sent my regrets and a card and gift card. He told me that my aunt had called him to see if he was coming and he said no......and she replied...."but we invited lkdrymom !".  I think my suspicions were correct when I assumed I was invited just to give him a ride.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: mrs_deb on May 01, 2014, 12:57:59 PM
Wow - that's tacky and hurtful.  I'm glad you had already decided not to go.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Danika on May 01, 2014, 02:53:01 PM
Yikes! I'm glad that you decided not to go.

So, your father didn't even RSVP? He waited for the hostess to call him to see if he were coming? Why do they like him so much? He must be very entertaining to have around.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Reaver on May 01, 2014, 09:22:16 PM
 :o!

WOW the sheer GALL ! You poor thing :-[
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: sammycat on May 01, 2014, 09:28:58 PM
Ouch! I guess there's the answer to the real motivation behind the invite. I'm sorry; that must hurt.  :( >:(

I'd be declining any and all future invitations from them without a second thought.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: LeveeWoman on May 01, 2014, 10:15:52 PM
Ouch! I guess there's the answer to the real motivation behind the invite. I'm sorry; that must hurt.  :( >:(

I'd be declining any and all future invitations from them without a second thought.

I might be wrong, but I don't think I'd even bother to decline.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: JenJay on May 01, 2014, 10:22:18 PM
Wow, instead of an invitation they might as well have just sent you a note that said "Hey we want your dad to come to stuff, but we don't have the time or gas money to get him here and back, so this is your standing invitation to everything so you can bring him, k? Thanks!"  >:(
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: sammycat on May 01, 2014, 10:57:53 PM
Ouch! I guess there's the answer to the real motivation behind the invite. I'm sorry; that must hurt.  :( >:(

I'd be declining any and all future invitations from them without a second thought.

I might be wrong, but I don't think I'd even bother to decline.

Truth be told, I doubt I'd bother RSVPing either.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: cutejellybeen on May 02, 2014, 07:00:29 AM
Wow, I'm sorry OP, thats rough!!

What did your father say to that? I hope he stood up for you!
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on May 02, 2014, 10:55:28 AM
I wasn't too happy that he thought it was ok not to respond at all but sometimes etiquette is lost on him. He is an adult and I will not tell him how to live his life.  The RSVP was not due until today so maybe my aunt heard I declined then called him, I really don't know. My father said he was happy to be invited to the baptism but was not expecting to be invited to every birthday party. He thinks he was invited just for the gift. I can't say if that was true or not.  I also told him that my aunt's call confirmed that I was only invited so he had a ride and he agreed. I told him it was pretty insulting to me and he agreed. I know to never expect him to stand up to his family for me. The fact that he agreed with me is a big step for him, normally he would make excuses or tell me I was too sensitive.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: ladyknight1 on May 02, 2014, 11:14:53 AM
I'm glad you went with your instincts. I have been following the thread, but had nothing original to post until now. Hugs
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Eeep! on May 02, 2014, 11:15:02 AM
I wasn't too happy that he thought it was ok not to respond at all but sometimes etiquette is lost on him. He is an adult and I will not tell him how to live his life.  The RSVP was not due until today so maybe my aunt heard I declined then called him, I really don't know. My father said he was happy to be invited to the baptism but was not expecting to be invited to every birthday party. He thinks he was invited just for the gift. I can't say if that was true or not.  I also told him that my aunt's call confirmed that I was only invited so he had a ride and he agreed. I told him it was pretty insulting to me and he agreed. I know to never expect him to stand up to his family for me. The fact that he agreed with me is a big step for him, normally he would make excuses or tell me I was too sensitive.

I'm glad that he agreed with you. I think it is a big step too!
So happy you declined. Hope you didn't spend too much money on that gift card. ;)
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: SeptGurl on May 02, 2014, 11:19:07 AM
Oh no. I've been following this thread, and I'm sorry to hear your suspicions were confirmed. Glad you declined the invitation.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Danika on May 02, 2014, 12:36:25 PM
I wasn't too happy that he thought it was ok not to respond at all but sometimes etiquette is lost on him. He is an adult and I will not tell him how to live his life.  The RSVP was not due until today so maybe my aunt heard I declined then called him, I really don't know. My father said he was happy to be invited to the baptism but was not expecting to be invited to every birthday party. He thinks he was invited just for the gift. I can't say if that was true or not.  I also told him that my aunt's call confirmed that I was only invited so he had a ride and he agreed. I told him it was pretty insulting to me and he agreed. I know to never expect him to stand up to his family for me. The fact that he agreed with me is a big step for him, normally he would make excuses or tell me I was too sensitive.

I'm glad that he agreed with you. I think it is a big step too!
So happy you declined. Hope you didn't spend too much money on that gift card. ;)

POD. I'm sure it feels validating just for your father to acknowledge what you've known for quite some time.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 03, 2014, 10:53:43 AM
I wasn't too happy that he thought it was ok not to respond at all but sometimes etiquette is lost on him. He is an adult and I will not tell him how to live his life.  The RSVP was not due until today so maybe my aunt heard I declined then called him, I really don't know. My father said he was happy to be invited to the baptism but was not expecting to be invited to every birthday party. He thinks he was invited just for the gift. I can't say if that was true or not.  I also told him that my aunt's call confirmed that I was only invited so he had a ride and he agreed. I told him it was pretty insulting to me and he agreed. I know to never expect him to stand up to his family for me. The fact that he agreed with me is a big step for him, normally he would make excuses or tell me I was too sensitive.

Makes me wonder what happened at the Baptism...
I'm glad you got it sorted out.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: TootsNYC on May 03, 2014, 11:28:45 AM
I wasn't too happy that he thought it was ok not to respond at all but sometimes etiquette is lost on him. He is an adult and I will not tell him how to live his life.  The RSVP was not due until today so maybe my aunt heard I declined then called him, I really don't know. My father said he was happy to be invited to the baptism but was not expecting to be invited to every birthday party. He thinks he was invited just for the gift. I can't say if that was true or not.  I also told him that my aunt's call confirmed that I was only invited so he had a ride and he agreed. I told him it was pretty insulting to me and he agreed. I know to never expect him to stand up to his family for me. The fact that he agreed with me is a big step for him, normally he would make excuses or tell me I was too sensitive.

I'm so glad your dad agreed with you! I was wondering. But I'm glad you got this opportunity to point this out to him, also. But extra good that he agreed.

And as to the bolded...well, you've been right before...
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on May 03, 2014, 12:58:12 PM
Knowing this couple, I truly believe it is a gift grab but I did not want to say that and have everyone jump on me for making 'an interesting assumption". Past behaviors strongly point in that direction.
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited final update 178
Post by: Pandora on May 12, 2014, 05:46:43 PM
He told me that my aunt had called him to see if he was coming and he said no......and she replied...."but we invited lkdrymom !".

 They still don't talk with you directly, huh?  :o

 
Title: Re: But I haven't been invited
Post by: lkdrymom on May 12, 2014, 06:37:09 PM
No they don't.

 We used to go to an annual picnic at my cousin's house. The invitation would come through my father, no one ever contacted me directly.  I was putting up with it until the one year my father told us about the picnic and I asked him what time it started and he said noon.  I didn't want to be the first to arrive so I planned it so we would get there around 1.  Turns out the picnic didn't start until 3pm and they were very shocked to see us there so early. After that I did have a discussion with them about inviting me directly and I think that worked for one year.