Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Dating => Topic started by: SCMagnolia on August 20, 2013, 12:44:22 PM

Title: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: SCMagnolia on August 20, 2013, 12:44:22 PM
My friend fixed me up with a guy she works with.  We've gone out once and had a pretty nice time.  He asked me to go with him to see his friend's band play tomorrow evening.  The band is playing at a local park about 15 miles from where I work. Yet he wants me to drive 40 miles out of my way to meet him just to ride back to the park with him to see the show.  Since I won't have time to go home after work, this means I'd have to make the trip back to my car with him and then drive about SEVENTY miles back home.  I explained this and told him that the park is very close to my work (and quite honestly would only be about 10 miles out of his way if he wanted to meet me at work to go to the show.)   He told me that he didn't know how to get to where I work, which I find inexcusable since there are such things as GPS's and Google Maps.  Plus, where I work is right off the main highway, so it's a straight shot and easy to find.  He even balked at that, saying "well, you know I hate driving on the main roads around here because traffic is so bad."  Finally, I told him that I'd just meet him at said park since it was so close by to my work.  He got all bent out of shape about how he really wanted me to ride with him to the show, and he's all kinds of insistent that I make this absolutely unnecessary drive to meet him.   I am about thisclose to telling him to forget it.  Can I still get out of this?  I really don't see much of a future with this guy if he's this clueless!
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Judah on August 20, 2013, 12:47:08 PM
I am about thisclose to telling him to forget it.  Can I still get out of this?  I really don't see much of a future with this guy if he's this clueless!

I would tell him "never mind". He's not listening to you and that would be an issue for me.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: LazyDaisy on August 20, 2013, 12:54:55 PM
I agree with Judah.

He's not clueless, he's selfish. He's not in the least bit concerned for your comfort or convenience, just his. People are usually on their best behavior at the beginning of dating -- so if this is his best, you probably don't want to stick around for his worst.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: JenJay on August 20, 2013, 12:56:00 PM
If you've otherwise liked him I'd try one more time just in case he somehow doesn't realize how far that drive would be for you.

"Okay wait, am I understanding you correctly? You want me to drive 80 miles round trip to your house and back so that you don't have to drive 10 miles extra to (your job) or meet me at the park? I appreciate that you'd like to have the drive to chat and get to know each other better, but I don't want to drive 40 miles to your place just to hop in your car and come back here, then do it all again after the concert."

If he continues to insist I'd be done with him. Somebody who is that insistent, stubborn and inconsiderate on a 2nd date is only going to get worse.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Jones on August 20, 2013, 01:16:26 PM
I'd worry about any little surprises in the future and how he'd deal with them, as he can't seem to take others' needs, suggestions and plan changes into account.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Goosey on August 20, 2013, 01:17:44 PM
If you drove him this time, you'd be the chauffeur for the rest of your relationship.

In addition, his unwillingness to compromise is not promising at all.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Outdoor Girl on August 20, 2013, 01:21:47 PM
'I am not driving 80 miles out of my way to come pick you up.  You have three choices:  You can meet me here at the office and we'll drive together from here.  You can meet me at the park.  Or you can forget the whole thing (and lose my number).'

Not sure about the bracketed part but I'd say it, especially if I don't think things were going to work out from this point.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: wolfie on August 20, 2013, 01:26:58 PM
I would be more concerned about why he is so desperate to have you at his house or in his car. And I would definitely say this is way too  much trouble for just a second date and let him go.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: pinkflamingo on August 20, 2013, 01:44:05 PM
I would be more concerned about why he is so desperate to have you at his house or in his car. And I would definitely say this is way too  much trouble for just a second date and let him go.

I'm glad I'm not the only one wondering why it's so important for him to drive you. Even if it's just an ego thing (i.e. the man is supposed to drive, or I want to impress her with my car), it seems like a red flag that he's throwing a fit over something so minor. This does not seem like someone I'd want to get to know better.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Curly Wurly Doggie Breath on August 20, 2013, 01:55:03 PM
I would be more concerned about why he is so desperate to have you at his house or in his car. And I would definitely say this is way too  much trouble for just a second date and let him go.

I'm glad I'm not the only one wondering why it's so important for him to drive you. Even if it's just an ego thing (i.e. the man is supposed to drive, or I want to impress her with my car), it seems like a red flag that he's throwing a fit over something so minor. This does not seem like someone I'd want to get to know better.

Didnt he say he didnt like driving in the city? He wanted her to drive?

Still Creepy
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Phoebelion on August 20, 2013, 02:13:37 PM
Run.

EXDH and I were involved with a group that had a few single guys.  There was this one guy that none of the women could figure out why he wasn't married or at least had a steady.  Good looking, good job, owned his own house, good personality.  After EXDH and I split, guy asked me out.  Nice time was had. 

Aprrox a week after our date, I went shopping and to dinner with the girls directly from work.  Got home about 9 to him sitting in front of my house.   Hadn't even closed my car door before he was breathing down my neck and  screaming at me about where the H___ had I been.   Not having a shiny spine at the time, I instantly thought I had forgotten we were supposed to get together that night and had forgotten. 

Until it finally dawned that we had not had plans.  At all.  That shiny spine developed right then and there.  Had a short and sweet come to Deity discussion and that was the end of that. 

At least our curiosity was satisfied.  That was about 30 years ago.  To this day, he's never been married or has had a steady.

If he's showing this characteristic this early in the relationship, I wonder what other personality traits he's keeping on the down low.  He won't compromise about this chain of logistics what's in store further down the line.

Is it possible he wants you as a DD?



Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: LazyDaisy on August 20, 2013, 02:24:46 PM
I can think of a few other reasons why he is insistent on driving together that aren't a safety red flag: he doesn't want to fully admit that he's afraid to drive/drive alone or that he is in some way unable to drive (no license, lost his license, no car...); he's a cheap jerk who thinks he'll save a few of his pennies by using up your gas (and possibly parking fees); he's already anticipating drinking too much at the concert and is setting up his designated driver.*

*Side story: I had a friend like this -- it was subtle at first but I soon realized that whenever we were going to do something together that could even potentially involve alcohol (and more and more outings did involve alcohol), I always ended up doing all the driving. When I suggested meeting her there, she'd cancel or attempt to change the plans to something within walking distance of her apartment. She actually backed out of a weekend event we'd planned for months to attend when I remarked that their website stated that the venue didn't serve/allow alcoholic beverages. She would never admit that was the reason, but that was the reason. She was upset to learn later that they did indeed have a wine tasting tent, they just didn't allow anyone to go into the general event with a drink or even a sealed bottle.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Xandraea on August 20, 2013, 02:28:55 PM
I agree with Judah.

He's not clueless, he's selfish. He's not in the least bit concerned for your comfort or convenience, just his. People are usually on their best behavior at the beginning of dating -- so if this is his best, you probably don't want to stick around for his worst.

This.  He'd have lost me already with the complete lack of willingness to compromise.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: SCMagnolia on August 20, 2013, 02:32:13 PM
I am wondering myself why it is so darned important to him that I ride with him.  I'm on the overly-suspicious side myself and view most men as potential ax-murderers, so I feel better that this has raised red flags with so many of y'all here.  I think I'm going to skip this little outing. 
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: JenJay on August 20, 2013, 02:42:37 PM
I am wondering myself why it is so darned important to him that I ride with him.  I'm on the overly-suspicious side myself and view most men as potential ax-murderers, so I feel better that this has raised red flags with so many of y'all here.  I think I'm going to skip this little outing.

If you feel even a little bit hinky - listen to that. I hope he respects your decision but hey, if he doesn't, you'll know without a doubt you were right to nip this now. Win-win either way!  :)
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on August 20, 2013, 02:45:46 PM
I am wondering myself why it is so darned important to him that I ride with him.  I'm on the overly-suspicious side myself and view most men as potential ax-murderers, so I feel better that this has raised red flags with so many of y'all here.  I think I'm going to skip this little outing.

Smart move when you consider that the most generous analysis of the situation is that he is dim, stubborn, and inconsiderate.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: SamiHami on August 20, 2013, 03:01:43 PM
I am wondering myself why it is so darned important to him that I ride with him.  I'm on the overly-suspicious side myself and view most men as potential ax-murderers, so I feel better that this has raised red flags with so many of y'all here.  I think I'm going to skip this little outing.

OT, but you reminded me of an early date I had with dh a million or so years ago. We'd been out a few times and I felt pretty comfortable with him. He picked me up for a date and started driving down a very dark, lonely highway. He wouldn't tell me where we were going, even after I asked multiple times. I was getting a little nervous but didn't want to let it show.

After a little while he said, "You know, you could bury a body out here and nobody would find it."

Me: "Uh, yeah. I guess so."

A few more moments of slience, then he says "I have a shovel in the trunk."

Me, getting more panicky by the moment but trying to play it off, "Uh, very funny. I know you're just kidding so just stop it."

Him: "Kidding about what? I really do have a shovel in the trunk."

Me: "Look, I think you'd better turn around and take me home right now. This is not funny."

Him: "What's not funny? Besides, we're almost there now..."

Moments before I am about to go into screaming terror mode, we pull into the parking lot of this out of the way, offbeat club he'd heard about. Had a great time. He thinks he's very funny and still loves to tell people that story.

Yeah, he's a riot. Even after that, I still married him!  ;D
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: SCMagnolia on August 20, 2013, 03:15:17 PM
Sami - OH MY GOODNESS!  I think I'd have tried to jump out of the car when he slowed for a curve!  Glad it all worked out for you!  :)
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Outdoor Girl on August 20, 2013, 03:54:18 PM
I think I would have hit him with that shovel in the trunk...   ;D
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: *inviteseller on August 20, 2013, 04:18:45 PM
I don't think they are all ax murderers..but this guy is definitely setting off the hinky meter on me too.  Maybe he is just clueless, but to expect you to drive that far out of your way, get in his car, drive back to essentially your starting point, then go allll the way back to get your car?   Nope..I would tell him either he meets you at the venue (don't show him where you work) or not at all. 
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: crella on August 20, 2013, 07:38:29 PM
It could be that he simply wants all his friends to see her getting out of his car (manly thing? drama llama?) but even without hinkyness, this is just too, too, inconsiderate. He sounds stubborn.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: MrTango on August 20, 2013, 07:40:52 PM
I'm not seeing any hinkiness (maybe because I'm a guy, I haven't had to develop the same sort of senses), but I do recognize his brand of stubborn refusal to listen, and it's not likely to improve with time.

This is the sort of thing I'd drop someone over, especially if it were only the second date.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: snowdragon on August 20, 2013, 07:44:05 PM
Run.
This.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Raintree on August 20, 2013, 10:08:01 PM
Could be that he wants all his friends to see this hot chick he arrives with, could be that he wants her to have to end up at his place, leaving him an opening to ask her to "come in for a drink" or something, but if he was any way decent, he'd understand her not wanting to drive all the way out there. This is the sort of stubbornness and lack of consideration that usually presents itself later in the relationship, and I agree with the other poster who advised her to say something along the lines of, "I'll meet you at the venue, or not at all."
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Deetee on August 20, 2013, 10:16:55 PM
It doesn't really matter what his motivation is. He doesn't sound like someone that would be fun to date or be friends with or anything.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: NyaChan on August 20, 2013, 10:24:43 PM
This would be the signal to step away for me.  As for motivation, well personally I think he's figuring that it'll be much less easy for you two to end up spending the night together if you drive separately to the venue. 
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: blarg314 on August 21, 2013, 02:27:38 AM

Even if there's nothing sinister - he's demonstrated that he isn't interested in listening to you, and he doesn't care if he inconveniences you if it gets him what he wants.

Neither of these things are what you want in a BF.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: TheaterDiva1 on August 21, 2013, 05:47:07 AM
Just curious - what would happen if you said you had to work late that night and could not make it over to him in time - your only option would be to go straight there?
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Winterlight on August 21, 2013, 09:58:31 AM
It doesn't really matter what his motivation is. He doesn't sound like someone that would be fun to date or be friends with or anything.

This. I don't want to hang with someone whose idea of "compromise" is that he gets to walk all over me.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: White Lotus on August 21, 2013, 05:37:31 PM
Cancel.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Cz. Burrito on August 21, 2013, 06:40:15 PM
I am wondering myself why it is so darned important to him that I ride with him.  I'm on the overly-suspicious side myself and view most men as potential ax-murderers, so I feel better that this has raised red flags with so many of y'all here.  I think I'm going to skip this little outing.

Smart move when you consider that the most generous analysis of the situation is that he is dim, stubborn, and inconsiderate.

Absolutely this.  He could be the most non-axe-murder-y person around, but he'd still be an insufferable boar.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: wonderfullyanonymous on August 21, 2013, 09:01:10 PM
This sounds extremely suspiscious to me. Too many scenerios to list, but the top are designated driver; he wants to be able to control when you leave, or stay; gives him an excuse to drive him back home and maybe stay over night.

If he won't meet you at your work, or the park, I would cancel and not remake plans with this guy.

I'm with those who have a hinky meter going into over drive.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: GreenEyedHawk on August 21, 2013, 10:08:14 PM
I would be more concerned about why he is so desperate to have you at his house or in his car. And I would definitely say this is way too  much trouble for just a second date and let him go.

I'm glad I'm not the only one wondering why it's so important for him to drive you. Even if it's just an ego thing (i.e. the man is supposed to drive, or I want to impress her with my car), it seems like a red flag that he's throwing a fit over something so minor. This does not seem like someone I'd want to get to know better.

Didnt he say he didnt like driving in the city? He wanted her to drive?

Still Creepy

Glad I'm not the only one whose radar this pinged.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: LifeOnPluto on August 21, 2013, 10:37:41 PM
Urg... he sounds like a moocher, who wants a free ride and designated driver.

I personally would not go on any more dates with him.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Mel the Redcap on August 21, 2013, 10:45:58 PM
Chiming in on the "inconsiderate and selfish" side!
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Raintree on August 22, 2013, 12:07:41 AM
I didn't get the impression he wanted the OP to drive; just that he wanted her to ride in his car while he drove. Doesn't matter though; he is at best inconsiderate of her needs or concerns, and at worst, has some ulterior and unsavory motive. A PP said it best, in that the most generous analysis of the situation is that he is clueless and inconsiderate.

OP, did you cancel? And how did he react?
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: SCMagnolia on August 22, 2013, 08:56:40 AM
I did cancel.  He said he couldn't understand why, that he thought we'd made plans, he bought everything for a picnic dinner to take along, he thought I was really looking forward to going...   I asked if he really thought it made sense for me to drive nearly 40 miles out of my way to meet him only to drive back to a spot that was close-by to where I started.  He said he didn't understand what the problem was, he was driving me to the show so why was I having such an issue with this?

Not sure that he actually had anything BAD in mind.  I do think this is a case of completely, utterly, totally, without-a-doubt cluelessness.  And I'm definitely crossing him off the potential date list.  As they say, "ain't nobody got time for that!"

Thank you all for your advice and for validating my concerns.   As I said earlier on in the thread, I tend to be on the VERY overly-cautious side when it comes to dating, and it makes me feel a whole lot better that so many of you got the hinky vibe from this situation too! 
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Raintree on August 22, 2013, 01:50:34 PM
Quote
He said he didn't understand what the problem was

And I don't understand how he could not understand what the problem was. I'm guessing it would take you about two hours to get home after the concert (ride back with him, get into your own car, go home). I would love to know what the problem was with meeting you there, or somewhere nearby. Ugh. I've met people who just have to be difficult after two years, but not on the second date. His need to be difficult can only increase exponentially the more he gets to know you. Glad you got out.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Mel the Redcap on August 22, 2013, 06:00:28 PM
I did cancel.  He said he couldn't understand why, that he thought we'd made plans, he bought everything for a picnic dinner to take along, he thought I was really looking forward to going...   I asked if he really thought it made sense for me to drive nearly 40 miles out of my way to meet him only to drive back to a spot that was close-by to where I started.  He said he didn't understand what the problem was, he was driving me to the show so why was I having such an issue with this?

Not sure that he actually had anything BAD in mind.  I do think this is a case of completely, utterly, totally, without-a-doubt cluelessness.  And I'm definitely crossing him off the potential date list.  As they say, "ain't nobody got time for that!"

Thank you all for your advice and for validating my concerns.   As I said earlier on in the thread, I tend to be on the VERY overly-cautious side when it comes to dating, and it makes me feel a whole lot better that so many of you got the hinky vibe from this situation too!

This sounds like a combination of oblivious/selfish on the one hand, and "has made up a romantic script for how the evening is supposed to go and now cannot deviate from it". He had plans all right - probably kind of nice plans, it's possible he really isn't a creep and just didn't understand the problems with what he wanted to do - but unfortunately his plans didn't take into account the fact that YOU have your own priorities (that don't include going 80 miles out of your way to make his script work).
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Winterlight on August 22, 2013, 07:20:52 PM
I'd have cancelled too. He may be more clueless than malicious, but the effect is the same for you.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: blarg314 on August 22, 2013, 07:23:36 PM

Yeah, I'd go for him having plotted out a romantic script (picnic?) on how to woo you, and he doesn't want it to be disturbed.

I'd still cancel. He might mean well, but I'm not interested in dating someone who is so caught up in designing how his relationship is going to go that he forgets that I'm an actual person with opinions and a life of my own.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on August 23, 2013, 01:49:42 PM

Yeah, I'd go for him having plotted out a romantic script (picnic?) on how to woo you, and he doesn't want it to be disturbed.

I'd still cancel. He might mean well, but I'm not interested in dating someone who is so caught up in designing how his relationship is going to go that he forgets that I'm an actual person with opinions and a life of my own.

No one wants to be a prop in someone else's script.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: siamesecat2965 on August 28, 2013, 10:57:34 AM
I did cancel.  He said he couldn't understand why, that he thought we'd made plans, he bought everything for a picnic dinner to take along, he thought I was really looking forward to going...   I asked if he really thought it made sense for me to drive nearly 40 miles out of my way to meet him only to drive back to a spot that was close-by to where I started.  He said he didn't understand what the problem was, he was driving me to the show so why was I having such an issue with this?

Not sure that he actually had anything BAD in mind.  I do think this is a case of completely, utterly, totally, without-a-doubt cluelessness.  And I'm definitely crossing him off the potential date list.  As they say, "ain't nobody got time for that!"

Thank you all for your advice and for validating my concerns.   As I said earlier on in the thread, I tend to be on the VERY overly-cautious side when it comes to dating, and it makes me feel a whole lot better that so many of you got the hinky vibe from this situation too!

I think he just sounds utterly clueless, and has this picture in his mind about how the evening should go. Never mind all common sense went out the window. And the fact he didn't pick up on WHY it wouldn't make ANY sense at all for you to do waht he was proposing says to me this wouldn't change.

Slightly OT: i am going on a trip next spring with my cousin. we are leaving from Baltimore. I live in NJ. She lives in MD, closer to DC. the plan is I will make my way to Baltimore, and meet her at the port (going on a cruise). She has asked me several times why don't i just come to HER, and we can then go back UP to the ship.

First of all, it would make my trip longer, secondly, I think she has ulterior motives, as in if i drive to her house, i can then drive to the port, and her transport is set. I told her sorry, that isn't happening, and why would I want to go out of my way,  and we can just meet there. I think its finally sunk in, but really? Think about what you're proposing. 
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Emmy on October 18, 2013, 07:15:11 PM
I won't speculate on his intentions of you driving to his place and traveling together.  However, I agree with the others who say that this incident shows that he feels his wants/needs trump your wants/needs.  Also refusing to do something that would work for you, like meeting you there or picking you up and getting bent out of shape when you don't bow to his ridiculous request after your reasonable explanation says a lot about his character.  It is good this happened now, I imagine that this type of behavior would continue.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: greencat on October 20, 2013, 05:39:58 AM
Lizzy, I think you and I were formerly friends with the same budding alcoholic. 

OP,

This guy also sets off my hinky-meter.  Good on you for canceling.
Title: Re: What part of too far out of the way do you not understand?
Post by: Corvid on October 20, 2013, 01:05:31 PM
Quote
He said he didn't understand what the problem was

And I don't understand how he could not understand what the problem was. I'm guessing it would take you about two hours to get home after the concert (ride back with him, get into your own car, go home). I would love to know what the problem was with meeting you there, or somewhere nearby. Ugh. I've met people who just have to be difficult after two years, but not on the second date. His need to be difficult can only increase exponentially the more he gets to know you. Glad you got out.

He may not have thought her drive home from his house after the concert would be an issue because he didn't expect her to go home that night.