Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Techno-quette => Topic started by: Micah on August 23, 2013, 07:21:34 AM

Title: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: Micah on August 23, 2013, 07:21:34 AM
I'm FB friends with my half sister. We don't really have a relationship, apart from 'liking' each others posts and the occasional, casual comment. I haven't seen her in person for over fifteen years.

Early in the year, her husband sent me a friend request. I accepted it and proceeded to have my wall bombarded with a flood of misogynistic and crude jokes and pictures. I don't might a dirty joke, but he went above and beyond social acceptability. He never once directly posted something to me, not even to say, "hello." It was all recycled stuff from those 'funny status' sites. So I deleted him.....

That was months ago. A few minutes ago, my sister put on my wall (not in a PM) "MY NAME, did you delete HUSBAND's NAME?"

What do I do? I don't want to hurt her feelings or offend her. But the truth is, yes I did, because he's the same unpleasant, crude person I remember from my child hood. I hate conflict, even on FB! And I wish she'd messaged me rather than putting it up on my wall!
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: menley on August 23, 2013, 07:29:47 AM
I would delete her message from the wall, then send her a private message or e-mail. In the message, I would simply say that you would prefer that she keep such personal questions or conversations to private message or e-mail.


I'm not clear if your sister's husband posted his crude jokes and things to your wall or just in general, and thus showing up on your feed. If it was directly on your wall, then I would tell your sister that he continually posted items that were inappropriate and crude on your page and so yes, you did unfriend him.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: Micah on August 23, 2013, 08:09:23 AM
I would delete her message from the wall, then send her a private message or e-mail. In the message, I would simply say that you would prefer that she keep such personal questions or conversations to private message or e-mail.


I'm not clear if your sister's husband posted his crude jokes and things to your wall or just in general, and thus showing up on your feed. If it was directly on your wall, then I would tell your sister that he continually posted items that were inappropriate and crude on your page and so yes, you did unfriend him.

It was just in general. I was never tagged in any of them. In hindsight I should have just hidden his posts, but he annoyed me, lol
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: SCMagnolia on August 23, 2013, 08:12:56 AM
I, too, would delete her post and send her a PM letting her know that you did indeed unfriend him.  You don't really have to say why, but if she presses, you can let her know that the content of his posts is something you would prefer not to see on your newsfeed.

If she gives you grief, de-friend her, too.  Your page, your rules.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: Goosey on August 23, 2013, 08:17:39 AM
I would do as the other say - delete the post off the wall and PM her. But, if asked again, I would have no problem saying why. Just say that your sense of humor doesn't align with his.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: Sharnita on August 23, 2013, 08:25:32 AM
Do you think her husband could have used her account to post the question on your wall?
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: Micah on August 23, 2013, 08:32:01 AM
Do you think her husband could have used her account to post the question on your wall?

I don't know, quite possibly. When I was a kid and lived close to them, he was EXTREMELY controlling. He had to know where my sister was every second of the day. She had a time limit to do grocery shopping and if she went over, he had to know why.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: MrTango on August 23, 2013, 08:34:11 AM
I'd delete her comment from my wall without any response.

If she contacted me through an appropriate channel (i.e. phone, email, private message), I'd respond with "Yes, I did.  I didn't appreciate his posting style."
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: Sharnita on August 23, 2013, 08:34:55 AM
I might find some way to talk to her that assures it is her.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: *inviteseller on August 23, 2013, 10:23:04 AM
I would send a PM to her and tell her that his sense of humor was vastly different from yours and because you and he never really spoke, you just decided to delete.  If she doesn't accept that, oh well.  I unfriended my cousin because of his inflammatory posts, mostly directed at me but his wife and I are still friends and chat.  She never asked or brought it up because she, unlike your half sister, understands it is my page and I can do with it what I want.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: PastryGoddess on August 23, 2013, 12:14:59 PM
I would delete the comment and send her a one word PM.  There is no need for you to JADE your decision. It's your facebook wall and you can do what you want with it.

Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: hobish on August 23, 2013, 12:29:23 PM
I, too, would delete her post and send her a PM letting her know that you did indeed unfriend him.  You don't really have to say why, but if she presses, you can let her know that the content of his posts is something you would prefer not to see on your newsfeed.

If she gives you grief, de-friend her, too.  Your page, your rules.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

My mind doesn't tend to go this direction, but with your additional info I would wonder if she is allowed to be FB friends with people she isn't friends with. (And if I am jumping the gun, or reading too much into things I apologize; I know I get irritated by that myself.)
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: shhh its me on August 23, 2013, 12:30:37 PM
   What would you do if it was an acquaintance? I'd  just ignore it , from your description of your relationship you're not close enough to say "I don't like what he posts" and I think you can ignore a question like this is its posed once.  Second time I think you have to answer but keep it light " hmmm, maybe I deleted some people who were posting so much I was missing updates and photos "  or " oh I deleted the people who I didn't talk with." 
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: lady_disdain on August 23, 2013, 01:14:04 PM
Do you think her husband could have used her account to post the question on your wall?

I don't know, quite possibly. When I was a kid and lived close to them, he was EXTREMELY controlling. He had to know where my sister was every second of the day. She had a time limit to do grocery shopping and if she went over, he had to know why.

If there is a chance he has access to her FB, I would not use the site to answer. The message could be deleted or he could answer aggressively. I would call her and say that I saw her question on my wall and, yes, I had deleted her husband.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: nuit93 on August 23, 2013, 01:21:28 PM
Do you think her husband could have used her account to post the question on your wall?

I don't know, quite possibly. When I was a kid and lived close to them, he was EXTREMELY controlling. He had to know where my sister was every second of the day. She had a time limit to do grocery shopping and if she went over, he had to know why.

I think they have some problems beyond just his Facebook...
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: wx4caster on August 23, 2013, 03:31:05 PM
I'm usually pretty good about having a snappy comeback (but not always, unfortunately) and the reply I immediately thought of was "Absolutely. FB friends don't get to spam my newsfeed with bad jokes."  However, mild teasing and comebacks (that turn the comment back onto the teaser) are how my family rolls and a comment like that would not be out of line.

That being said, I have both my cousins hidden from my newsfeed because of silly picture shares and casino game requests. 
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: ladyknight1 on August 23, 2013, 03:33:02 PM
I would delete her post and then nothing further unless she asked again.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: Micah on August 23, 2013, 11:16:15 PM
I would delete her post and then nothing further unless she asked again.

I think I'm going to go with this. I spoke to my father about it (he speaks to her regularly) & he said that it didn't sound like something sister would do. So I'm thinking more and more that it was the husband himself. Either that, or he told her to ask me.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: FauxFoodist on August 31, 2013, 01:57:46 PM
I'd delete her comment from my wall without any response.

If she contacted me through an appropriate channel (i.e. phone, email, private message), I'd respond with "Yes, I did.  I didn't appreciate his posting style."

Pod.  ToxicSis used to post obnoxious things on my wall.  I'd delete her posts and PM her stating to take it offline.  She'd repost.  I'd delete again.  After that particular incident, I'd just delete her obnoxious posts, no warning.  A few months ago, she did it again so I made an extremely obviously tongue-in-cheek post in response.  A couple of days later, DH told me she defriended me.  My response to him on that?  Hallelujah!  She's still FB friends with DH.  Do I care?  Nope.  Would I ever ask DH to ask her about it?  Nope.  I don't care, and I couldn't imagine getting DH in the middle (she tried that a few months before our wedding when I wouldn't respond to her obnoxious e-mails to me demanding I address her imagined slights -- she then e-mailed DH to "force" him to deal with her).

I say good riddance if your half-sister defriends you (then you don't have to worry about her AND her DH posting on your wall anymore -- I know I sure don't).
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: veronaz on September 01, 2013, 11:00:43 AM
My your own admission you don't have a relationship with her.  You certainly don't owe her an explanation.  I would delete her comment, then I'd give serious considering to unfriending her.

I really think you're worrying needlessly about this.  He is her problem; don't allow him to be yours.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: something.new.every.day on September 08, 2013, 11:41:49 AM
I feel so often in the posts I read here that the "headline gets buried".

What I see here is "Sister is Married to an Abuser". That is a red flag. THAT is a family emergency. But the post is about a little Facebook annoyance.

Has anyone ever tried to offer her support to leave this controlling abuser?
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: PastryGoddess on September 08, 2013, 12:38:23 PM
I feel so often in the posts I read here that the "headline gets buried".

What I see here is "Sister is Married to an Abuser". That is a red flag. THAT is a family emergency. But the post is about a little Facebook annoyance.

Has anyone ever tried to offer her support to leave this controlling abuser?

No the headline isn't buried.  The OP asked about a specific situation, the facebook post.  Focusing on other parts of the OP's life takes the thread off topic and can lead to locking of the thread.  Also spousal abuse gets into legal territory, which is not allowed here on e-hell.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: Kiwichick on October 04, 2013, 03:59:24 AM
I feel so often in the posts I read here that the "headline gets buried".

What I see here is "Sister is Married to an Abuser". That is a red flag. THAT is a family emergency. But the post is about a little Facebook annoyance.

Has anyone ever tried to offer her support to leave this controlling abuser?

No the headline isn't buried.  The OP asked about a specific situation, the facebook post.  Focusing on other parts of the OP's life takes the thread off topic and can lead to locking of the thread.  Also spousal abuse gets into legal territory, which is not allowed here on e-hell.

And a bunch of internet strangers on an etiquette site are not the place to ask for help.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: Waltzing Matilda on November 25, 2013, 08:15:02 AM
I have had a similar situation with the wife of a guy I have known for about 25 years. I only see them once a year but every.single.time she complains that I have unfriended her on facebook. Loudly. While in my mind, I can say 'No, Dina, I made a mistake accepting your facebook friend request. I've NEVER liked you!', I know that if I said it out loud, it would probably see me cast into the ninth circle of e-hell. Instead, I smile and say 'Gee, facebook sure does some strange things sometimes doesn't it?'. Yes, I'm lying through my teeth, but, d'you know, some argument just aren't worth having. Have a clean-out of your facebook friends would be my advice.
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: NotTheNarcissist on December 24, 2013, 05:54:57 PM
I have had a similar situation with the wife of a guy I have known for about 25 years. I only see them once a year but every.single.time she complains that I have unfriended her on facebook. Loudly. While in my mind, I can say 'No, Dina, I made a mistake accepting your facebook friend request. I've NEVER liked you!', I know that if I said it out loud, it would probably see me cast into the ninth circle of e-hell. Instead, I smile and say 'Gee, facebook sure does some strange things sometimes doesn't it?'. Yes, I'm lying through my teeth, but, d'you know, some argument just aren't worth having. Have a clean-out of your facebook friends would be my advice.

I un-friended about 90 "friends" on FB about 3 yrs ago. It was so freeing. Now I am extremely picky. Trying to not repeat my mistake. Everyone should clean out their FB friends list every now & then. Unless they are smarter than me & were careful to begin with :)
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: MurPl1 on December 25, 2013, 12:30:15 PM
I would be cautious about my response given what you've said about him and their relationship.  I  have to wonder if his being FB friends with you gave him access to seeing what she was saying to her family.  another form of monitoring for him.

I would definitely stay away from making this about him, even if it totally is.  Perhaps a generic "well, I've spent some time a few months ago cleaning up my friend list since some posts were less relaxing and fun than I'd hoped when I joined FB."
Title: Re: What do you do if someone asks if you've deleted their husband on FB?
Post by: Please pass the Calgon on December 25, 2013, 08:23:58 PM
"Hmm, no...but I have notice that Facebook has been rather glitchy lately.  Some friends and I were just discussing that we all post a lot but rarely see each others stuff. Hopefully they get it sorted out soon!" Then beandip and leave things as they are.