Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Dating => Topic started by: Sneezy on September 16, 2013, 06:22:36 PM

Title: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Sneezy on September 16, 2013, 06:22:36 PM
My boyfriend is traveling for work right now. I can reach him in an emergency, but doing so is disruptive to both him and his coworkers. On his way home, they are planning to drop him off in my city so he and I can hang out for my birthday next week and then fly home.  He lives in the same state, but a few hours away.

However, him being gone has given me time to think and I've decided I no longer want to pursue this relationship. He's not abusive or a bad person, but I'm just not wanting to continue this any longer.

So, I see I have two options here. One, use the emergency contact line and dump him that way so he doesn't end up coming here. Pros - gets it done faster and I don't have to play nice on my birthday. Cons - This would be disruptive to him at work and his coworker who has the emergency phone. He'll have to pay the change fee on his flight from here to home, but on the plus side he would have the rest of the ticket value available to him for future travel.

The other option is to pretend like everything is fine this visit, make a nice week of it for us both, and then dump him about a week after he goes home.  Pros - I don't have to disrupt anyone. Cons - could be rude/duplicitous to do this.

Having him come here, get dumped, and having an awkward week and/or paying an airline change fee just seems rude.

What is the polite thing to do here?
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: JenJay on September 16, 2013, 06:29:09 PM
Would it be possible to tell a small lie that you're sick or called into work then have the breakup chat with him when he's home and has privacy?
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: MrTango on September 16, 2013, 06:32:44 PM
The polite thing, IMO, is to do the "dumping" in a way that avoids embarrassing him in public.

With that said, if I were in your position, I'd tell him as soon as I made the decision.  That gives him the maximum amount of time to rearrange his travel plans.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Sneezy on September 16, 2013, 06:34:45 PM
Do you think that dumping is at the same level as an emergency goes, as far as being worthy of interrupting him at work goes?
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: shhh its me on September 16, 2013, 06:40:40 PM
  Ok so a group of people is working together with only one phone and no internet access for a week? 

I think I may wait till he arrives , it just sounds like that is an EMERGENCY phone, as in someone is dying.  Also if he is doing something stressful/dangerous its IMHO it not appropriate to tell him until its done.  There is also the factor that you will be telling all his co workers its an emergency and then they wont be dropping him off, I think that would be close to breaking up with him in front of all of them.

I don't think you have t pretend the whole week but I lend  away from using a "shared" emergency phone.  I wouldn't normally recommend it but if he has access to email I would use that in this case.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Petticoats on September 16, 2013, 07:35:03 PM
Would it be possible to tell a small lie that you're sick or called into work then have the breakup chat with him when he's home and has privacy?

I like this--contact him to call off the plan to see each other for your birthday, with a reasonable pretext, so that you don't have the discomfort of the dumping on the birthday visit but can give him some privacy for the dumping to follow a little later.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: blarg314 on September 16, 2013, 07:47:18 PM
That's a tricky one.

I kind of like the idea of using the emergency phone for a plausible excuse, and then breaking up with him as soon as he gets home after the work trip.

Second best - break up with him as soon as he gets to your place, and offer to/arrange to buy him a one way ticket home. Because spending a week with someone who has just dumped you is really awkward (and getting a last minute flight may not be possible, while staying in a hotel for a week gets expensive).

I don't think waiting until after the weekend is a viable option, even if it means you have to use the emergency number. Because how good an actor are you - can you spend a week pretending nothing is wrong? Cuddling on the couch, pet names, holding hands as you stroll along, sleeping together (and a few games of Scrabble, if you're at that point)?  If you can't do that without him noticing, then he's going to figure out something is wrong, and it will all blow up anyways.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: AnnaJ on September 16, 2013, 08:44:20 PM
That's a tricky one.

I kind of like the idea of using the emergency phone for a plausible excuse, and then breaking up with him as soon as he gets home after the work trip.

Second best - break up with him as soon as he gets to your place, and offer to/arrange to buy him a one way ticket home. Because spending a week with someone who has just dumped you is really awkward (and getting a last minute flight may not be possible, while staying in a hotel for a week gets expensive).

I don't think waiting until after the weekend is a viable option, even if it means you have to use the emergency number. Because how good an actor are you - can you spend a week pretending nothing is wrong? Cuddling on the couch, pet names, holding hands as you stroll along, sleeping together (and a few games of Scrabble, if you're at that point)?  If you can't do that without him noticing, then he's going to figure out something is wrong, and it will all blow up anyways.

I go with the bolded.  If the emergency phone is exactly that - for major emergencies - then it would frighten me to get a call on that line, in the seconds/minutes it took for me to get to the phone I would think of every single person close to me that may have been injured/fallen ill/died. 

OTOH, if your boyfriend has said that it's OK to call him to pass on information, then I'd go with the first option of directing him to his home then breaking the news.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: cicero on September 17, 2013, 02:02:09 AM
That's a tricky one.

I kind of like the idea of using the emergency phone for a plausible excuse, and then breaking up with him as soon as he gets home after the work trip.

Second best - break up with him as soon as he gets to your place, and offer to/arrange to buy him a one way ticket home. Because spending a week with someone who has just dumped you is really awkward (and getting a last minute flight may not be possible, while staying in a hotel for a week gets expensive).

I don't think waiting until after the weekend is a viable option, even if it means you have to use the emergency number. Because how good an actor are you - can you spend a week pretending nothing is wrong? Cuddling on the couch, pet names, holding hands as you stroll along, sleeping together (and a few games of Scrabble, if you're at that point)?  If you can't do that without him noticing, then he's going to figure out something is wrong, and it will all blow up anyways.
i would go with this in this order.

Unless the phone is an actual emergency phone - i.e., using it for *this* call might jeopardize their future safety. If it's just "the only phone but it's OK to use it in a pinch" then i would do so.

breaking up with him "in front of others", which is essentially what you are doing, is not the best way to do things, especially when - as you say - this isn't a *bad* relationship and he didn't really do anything inappropriate to you. But under the circumstances that you have, i think it's the least worst option. so if you could get him "alone" for a few minutes while he is there, do it then. If not, and you have to have the call "in front of others" then that is better (IMHO ) then having him come all the way to your place to celebrate your birthday...
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: BarensMom on September 17, 2013, 10:30:50 AM
OP, could you send him an e-mail or a letter?  Something along the lines of "We need to talk before you make travel plans - please call me when you get this."

I hate "Dear John" letters with a passion (received one once myself), but the above would be a heads-up and give him the chance to get to a private phone.  Then you can tell him.

I wouldn't waste the guy's time by having him fly into your town, only to dump him and make him do the "walk (flight, ride) of shame" home.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: shhh its me on September 17, 2013, 10:48:27 AM
 OP could you fedex him a  letter? 

The emergency phone which he is not in possession of is the only way to make contact?

that's sort of were I'm having trouble, I can't think of two many jobs were only one single  phone would be the only means of communication for a period of days.   I mean a long haul truck driver who is outside of cell phone range may only be able to contact dispatch but phones and internet would still be available at fuel stops, right? and someone has a phone so its not that?  He's traveling but not staying at hotels , hotels have phones you could call the next hotel and leave a message.   If he is staying at hotels but you just don't know which one I think you can call the office to leave a message at his next stop "call such and such re plans for Sept 23rd"   

If he was an undercover cop no you don't call the emergency phone to break up with him.

It really depends what situation created this one phone being the only means of contact. 
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Teenyweeny on September 17, 2013, 10:56:45 AM
It could be anything, maybe he's an oil rig worker, maybe he's on some kind of field expedition for research, maybe he's in special ops  ;).

I would call him, honestly. It's not a great option, but I think it's the best of a bad bunch. If he comes to you, and you dump him, that's just awkward (and expensive). You pretending for a whole visit won't work.

If you can convincingly put off the visit and then dump him when he'll be more freely available, then that is probably the absolute best option, but I know I couldn't pull that off. I'm the world's worst liar, and he would know something was up, so it would be kinder to just tell him.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Twik on September 17, 2013, 11:06:05 AM
It could be anything, maybe he's an oil rig worker, maybe he's on some kind of field expedition for research, maybe he's in special ops  ;).


I would so want to read a novel where the spy hero skulking in the mad scientist's compound, only to get a call on his special communicator -"Darling, I think we should see other people".
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Judah on September 17, 2013, 11:08:52 AM
OP, could you send him an e-mail or a letter?  Something along the lines of "We need to talk before you make travel plans - please call me when you get this."

I hate "Dear John" letters with a passion (received one once myself), but the above would be a heads-up and give him the chance to get to a private phone.  Then you can tell him.

I wouldn't waste the guy's time by having him fly into your town, only to dump him and make him do the "walk (flight, ride) of shame" home.

This makes the most sense to me. Having him come for the visit and faking happiness would be too dishonest for me to be able to pull off and, in his shoes, I'd be feel pretty used. 
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: shhh its me on September 17, 2013, 11:14:29 AM
It could be anything, maybe he's an oil rig worker, maybe he's on some kind of field expedition for research, maybe he's in special ops  ;).

I would call him, honestly. It's not a great option, but I think it's the best of a bad bunch. If he comes to you, and you dump him, that's just awkward (and expensive). You pretending for a whole visit won't work.

If you can convincingly put off the visit and then dump him when he'll be more freely available, then that is probably the absolute best option, but I know I couldn't pull that off. I'm the world's worst liar, and he would know something was up, so it would be kinder to just tell him.

I don't think he is flying to OP , it sounds like he is getting a ride for co workers on their way home.  If it would cost him a more to come to you first rather then go home I would try harder to contact him. If he was planed to get a ride he needs to fly home anyway  so it might not cost him more to find out later.

and lol I thought of those jobs.  I think the logistics matter because if OP can leave a non emergency message that can be delivery before he makes the journey to her home I think that's the way to go.  So if its an offshore rig when he gets to shore, desert research project call when they are back in cell phone range.  Calling the rig to dump him I don't think is appropriate.  IF he is out of range of all contact then he can't make  travel arrangements until he is "back on the grid" anyway.  Surely he will be in range before he arrives at OP's door? 
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: WillyNilly on September 17, 2013, 12:36:37 PM
I think you need to make every reasonable effort (so emergency contact no, but a few hours in advance of hi getting to you, or a letter, etc, ok) to get in touch with him in advance.

if you absolutely cannot, I think you should break up with him sooner rather then later - stringing someone along is not ok. It would be for your benefit not his, as it would be straight out lying to him to pretend to go along with things. If he incurs a cost to change his flight home to earlier, I think the decent thing to do is to offer him all the money to cover it, and insist on at least splitting it if he refuses your offer to cover it all. After all he was willing to cover the costs of visiting you (the original cost of flying home) the least you can do is cover the costs of breaking up (the fee to change tickets).
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Hmmmmm on September 17, 2013, 12:50:22 PM
How long have the two of you been dating?
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Sneezy on September 17, 2013, 08:59:44 PM
We've been going out for a little over a year and I've known him for a little over two years. As far as the job goes, he's in performing arts. His group only has one phone between them right now and he doesn't get any privacy while on travel. A situation came up a week ago where I did need to reach him (someone found his phone and contacted me to see where to return it) and he got rather snippy when I contacted him, assuming that I was going to complain that he hadn't been in touch and spending about ten minutes in a defensive rant on how busy he is and how he has no privacy. I have traveled for a performing arts thing myself, so I get that. What did I say to cause that rant? "Hey, I know you're busy, but what address did you want me to have the guy who found your phone send it to?" Incidentally, I had the guy mail his phone to his home address. If he wanted it on the road or sent to a neighbor, I didn't get a chance to find out.

That was the final straw. We have fun together and I love him very much, but he can't get past the fact that I am not his ex. I do not freak out over stupid things. I do, however, have no patience with someone telling me that they don't have time to talk followed by a long defensive rant followed by fit about time wasted listening to me when I couldn't finish a single sentence. Last time this happened (this happens at least every couple of weeks), I told him that I was not going to bring this up again and just quietly end things rather than have either of us deal with drama. I'm very sad this has to end, but I'm not an emotional punching bag for when he feels guilty about something that has nothing to do with me.

I don't do birthday presents, so at least he won't be out money for that. I think what I'll do the dumping in person in private after they drop him off and then give him his ticket home. If he weren't coming here, he'd be driving home with one of the others from the drop off point about three hours to the east of me (he lives four ours to the north of me).  At least he'll probably even get home faster this way. If they end up hanging out in my city long enough to stop for lunch, I'll go with meeting him briefly in person and tell a little white lie to cancel and let him go back to the drop off point with the rest.

Thanks, everyone, for your input. I don't want to hurt him any more than strictly necessary.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Delia DeLyons on September 17, 2013, 09:16:25 PM
It probably says something about my choice in guys, but I have never had a clean break... It has taken me several attempts to break off reeelayshunships in the past... Often over months.  I could totally see, if I were in your shoes, even if I did call ahead to the emergency line to tell him 'it's over don't come', that the guy would then be HELL BENT on coming to change my mind.  (Not because 'oh it is such misery to even think of parting with Delia D.!', but rather reflective of the emotional/needy guys I've dated - le sigh). 

OP - go with whatever option feels right to you, but if you choose one that ends up with him at your door, have a friend inside - may help forestall a big scene, having someone else there.

And good luck! Best wishes.

ETA This is reflective of my immature brain, but breaking up is not what I first thought this thread was about - and I opened it anyways.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: wolfie on September 17, 2013, 09:26:51 PM
Every time I see this thread either above or below "issues with the ladies room" I have to giggle.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Delia DeLyons on September 17, 2013, 09:29:15 PM
Yup Wolfie :) I didn't know it was in the dating folder, just followed in from Unread Posts... Thought might be a very informative spinoff thread, ha!
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Sneezy on September 17, 2013, 09:31:44 PM
The thread title does suggest something quite different that you'd expect in see the work subforum.  ;D  One day I really need to post my experience with such a situation in the Gross Out thread.

Perhaps I should dump him in the ladies' room. At least that will give him a funny "got dumped near the dumper" story to tell his friends.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Arila on September 17, 2013, 09:49:09 PM
Hey Sneezy, I was reserving my response until you answered some of the questions about the emergency-ness of the emergency phone, and the length of the relationship, but it seems like you have already made up your mind...

For what it's worth, I totally agree that you are making the right decision about dumping him in person, which was the suggestion I was going to make in most circumstances.

LDRs are tough, especially to end, because the face-to-face time is usually quite a lot longer than a dumping speech needs to take. Hope it goes well -- or at least as well as can be expected.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Sneezy on September 17, 2013, 10:02:44 PM
Arila, thanks. I'm very sad to lose him but we both deserve better. He deserves someone very special who doesn't make him feel under attack. I suspect that I look and sound just enough like his ex to hit that trigger for him. I deserve not to be treated like a tank of nitroglycerin that he wants to ignite and get it over with rather than walk on eggshells waiting for me to blow up. Now I just need to try to keep my resolve until Dump Day.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: LifeOnPluto on September 17, 2013, 10:34:36 PM
Arila, thanks. I'm very sad to lose him but we both deserve better. He deserves someone very special who doesn't make him feel under attack. I suspect that I look and sound just enough like his ex to hit that trigger for him. I deserve not to be treated like a tank of nitroglycerin that he wants to ignite and get it over with rather than walk on eggshells waiting for me to blow up. Now I just need to try to keep my resolve until Dump Day.

Good for you Sneezy. And if your STBX has the gall to ask "Why didn't you tell me this over the phone?" you have the perfect excuse: "Because last time I called you on tour, you flipped out!"
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: aussie_chick on September 18, 2013, 02:42:07 AM


Good for you Sneezy. And if your STBX has the gall to ask "Why didn't you tell me this over the phone?" you have the perfect excuse: "Because last time I called you on tour, you flipped out!"
[/quote]

POD to this!

I agree with in person if you can manage it and also providing everything is safe - it seems from what you've said it will be.
Having been on the receiving end of quite a bit of dumping over the years (serial dater over here!) there is no easy, no perfect way to do it I don't think. Sure some people might have those *hug* and we'll always be friends conversations and have it actually be true - i've not seen too many of those.

But since you know it won't be perfect, maintaining as much of your own dignity and self respect as possible is good. In person, with honesty, without any JADEing, in private and sticking to your guns.

I liked your idea of having a ticket ready. It saves you from a situation where he might suggest staying to try and resolve things or to have one last experience etc etc. Have it ready, you can talk and then call him a cab or drop him off at the airport or train station or wherever. Wish him all the best and wave goodbye.

Best of luck with the situation.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Petticoats on September 18, 2013, 02:49:09 PM
Arila, thanks. I'm very sad to lose him but we both deserve better. He deserves someone very special who doesn't make him feel under attack. I suspect that I look and sound just enough like his ex to hit that trigger for him. I deserve not to be treated like a tank of nitroglycerin that he wants to ignite and get it over with rather than walk on eggshells waiting for me to blow up. Now I just need to try to keep my resolve until Dump Day.

Good for you Sneezy. And if your STBX has the gall to ask "Why didn't you tell me this over the phone?" you have the perfect excuse: "Because last time I called you on tour, you flipped out!"

No kidding. When I read your update, Sneezy, my compassion for him dropped substantially. That's cruddy behavior on his part. I admire you for having the perception to see that it's probably not about you, but still, sheesh. He's dug his own grave, relationshippily speaking.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Lynn2000 on September 18, 2013, 05:06:37 PM
Tough situation, OP. You've gotten some good advice and it seems like you've made up your mind.

Wanted to share a story. My friend had her first serious boyfriend several years ago (in college) and it was a long-distance relationship also, as in, one of them had to take a plane to see the other. She was head over heels. Anyway, it happened that we were flying to a work conference in the same state where he lived. So, she flew to his city and stayed with him for a few days, then flew to the conference city (big state), and then after the conference, flew back up to see him again before flying home. In other words, she stayed with him for several days, went to the conference for a week, then stayed with him for several more days, then came home.

On her second trip to see him (after the conference), he dumped her. :(

And, when he started a new relationship rather quickly thereafter, he and the new girl dated the start of their relationship from before he officially broke up with my friend.  >:( Actually, I think it was even before the pre-conference trip. Which, in many worlds, we call cheating.

So it seems to me like he had made up his mind to dump my friend and started dating someone else, but decided to let her come out to visit him, go to the conference, come back to visit him, and then he finally told her. These were all domestic flights, btw, so while it might have been expensive for her to change them it would not have been impossible, no visa issues, etc..

I'm sure he felt like he was in awkward situation, with her already having made plans to visit him twice after he decided to break up with her in favor of someone else, but I've always thought he handled it badly. Considering the infidelity aspect, he couldn't even claim that he just decided/solidified his decision during the time she was at the conference.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: LifeOnPluto on September 18, 2013, 10:26:00 PM
Lynn2000 - that must have been tough for your poor friend! And how tacky of her ex and his new gf to go around stating that their relationship started BEFORE his old one finished!
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Lynn2000 on September 19, 2013, 09:24:04 AM
Lynn2000 - that must have been tough for your poor friend! And how tacky of her ex and his new gf to go around stating that their relationship started BEFORE his old one finished!

Tacky to say the least! Didn't mean to derail the thread, but the OP's situation reminded me so strongly of this. Given the limited communication available to the OP (and the fact that when she used it once her BF got mad at her), I think she made the right choice. It is really tough when plans are in place already, especially if you're not good at thinking logistics through (like me), but I think in the long run it's better to be upfront about a decision like this.

Just imagine if someone thought, "Well, I'll just go through the birthday celebration, send him home, then break up with him a couple days later." Maybe at first that seems "easier" all around because the logistic plans don't have to change; but think how the guy is going to feel later--he's going to realize the break-up decision had likely already been made before the celebration, and he's just going to feel like he was made a fool of and lied to. And although this guy doesn't really sound so great, I'm sure the OP wouldn't want to have his (legit) complaints on her conscience.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: zinzin on September 22, 2013, 06:06:27 PM
I think like others are saying, the most important thing is to make is as painless as possible for the other person. You definitely don't want to do the "pretend all is ok to spare feelings" - I'm a firm believer that the faster the better once a decision is made. That said, I totally understand the phone issue, and can see how it may have to at least wait until in person.

Lynn2000 - similar to your story, I knew a girl who decided to break-up with a live-in, told others her plans, but didn't bother to actually say it to him until a few weeks later because it was "so hard" and she didn't want to "hurt him". Stretching things out like that is just wrong to me, and it made it really hard for others as well, who knew her plan but were forbidden to say anything - which I think was now the wrong choice. That it might have been better for someone - anyone! - to tell him in that time became more clear when we realized that while she didn't tell the live-in during those three weeks, she did start a new relationship in that time... the ex was extremely hurt by it all, but particularly by the weeks of cover-up that were allegedly meant to spare his feelings.

Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: blarg314 on September 22, 2013, 07:40:29 PM
I knew a girl who decided to break-up with a live-in, told others her plans, but didn't bother to actually say it to him until a few weeks later because it was "so hard" and she didn't want to "hurt him"....we realized that while she didn't tell the live-in during those three weeks, she did start a new relationship in that time... the ex was extremely hurt by it all, but particularly by the weeks of cover-up that were allegedly meant to spare his feelings.

Cases like this aren't so much about wanting to spare someone else's feelings, but about not wanting to deal with the fuss and trauma of a breakup - ie, about sparing your own feelings.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: zinzin on September 22, 2013, 10:20:35 PM
I knew a girl who decided to break-up with a live-in, told others her plans, but didn't bother to actually say it to him until a few weeks later because it was "so hard" and she didn't want to "hurt him"....we realized that while she didn't tell the live-in during those three weeks, she did start a new relationship in that time... the ex was extremely hurt by it all, but particularly by the weeks of cover-up that were allegedly meant to spare his feelings.

Cases like this aren't so much about wanting to spare someone else's feelings, but about not wanting to deal with the fuss and trauma of a breakup - ie, about sparing your own feelings.

Yes, totally agree!
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Raintree on September 23, 2013, 12:24:29 AM
When I read your update, Sneezy, my compassion for him dropped substantially.

So did mine. It reminded me too much of a guy I dated who was also a ranter. I'd try to tell him something and before I could get it out, he was on a rant about what he THOUGHT I was going to say. I no longer have any patience for that kind of drama. If you're (general you) going to talk to me like that, I don't want you coming by to celebrate a birthday or anything else.

You're making the right choice.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Clockwork Banana on September 25, 2013, 04:37:10 PM
I was going to wait until there was a resolution to this thread before adding general silliness, but apparantly my 14-year old inner boy cannot help itself!

Obviously, the title:  I actually did think the thread was going to be about when it is ok (as a female) to actually admit that we are human and things come out of our back-end.  I do still remember wayyyy back in the day, in my early twenties, being desparate to hold in air or otherwise during overnight visits.  The thought of having a new paramour hearing standard bathroom noises was excruciating.  Now, I would hoot and toot (pun fully intended) at the idea of creating that type of self discomfort.

Then the OP (in post #23) has to mention "Dump Day".  My  14-year old boy turned back the clock.  He is now twelve.

Thirdly, the OP is named Sneezy.  Ok, now I know I am really stretching, but it just seems all a part of a package........hee.

But, seriously, OP, I do hope that the planned break-up goes/went reasonably painlessly.  I have done the long-distance break-up thing.  It has never been seamless.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Ms_Cellany on September 25, 2013, 05:09:14 PM
Mix the flour, baking powder, salt, and shortening, then stir in water, broth, or milk to form a soft dough. Drop in soup and simmer for 12 minutes.

...oh, wait. That's a dumpling.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: katycoo on September 25, 2013, 08:25:36 PM
OP is there any update?
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Texas Mom on September 28, 2013, 11:14:13 PM
OP, if your birthday hasn't happened, dump him by phone.

That will save him the time coming to where you are & you the expense of the ticket.

Hugs & Keep us updated.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: bopper on September 30, 2013, 09:13:28 AM
You have the choice:

1) Call him closer to the end of his trip and tell him that you have been thinking about it, and the time he needs to be away plus the reception you got when you called him to try to help return his phone causes you to think that this is not a viable relationship for you.  You thought long and hard about calling this emergency phone and disturbing him but didn't want him to have to fly to visit you when you were just going to tell him that you didn't want to see him.

2) Let him come to you, but then tell himthat you have been thinking about it, and the time he needs to be away plus the reception you got when you called him to try to help return his phone causes you to think that this is not a viable relationship for you. You thought long and hard about  having him  to fly to visit you when you were just going to tell him that you didn't want to see him, but that you didn't want to disturb him on his trip as he had indicated to you.

At this point I would do the one that causes you the least issues, which is 1.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: bobeck1979 on September 30, 2013, 05:51:29 PM
Would it be possible to tell a small lie that you're sick or called into work then have the breakup chat with him when he's home and has privacy?

What does "make a nice week of it mean?  Use the emergency contact line to make a clean break asap.  If you bring him out for a visit, offer something for healing and closure.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: VorFemme on September 30, 2013, 06:20:42 PM
Can you ship his phone to him at the work site, signature required, and then PHONE him on it to let him know that you don't think that he needs to come visit you after his reaction to the last time you tried to talk to him?
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: TootsNYC on October 04, 2013, 11:52:06 AM
What did I say to cause that rant? "Hey, I know you're busy, but what address did you want me to have the guy who found your phone send it to?" Incidentally, I had the guy mail his phone to his home address. If he wanted it on the road or sent to a neighbor, I didn't get a chance to find out.

That was the final straw. We have fun together and I love him very much, but he can't get past the fact that I am not his ex. I do not freak out over stupid things. I do, however, have no patience with someone telling me that they don't have time to talk followed by a long defensive rant followed by fit about time wasted listening to me when I couldn't finish a single sentence. Last time this happened (this happens at least every couple of weeks), I told him that I was not going to bring this up again and just quietly end things rather than have either of us deal with drama. I'm very sad this has to end, but I'm not an emotional punching bag for when he feels guilty about something that has nothing to do with me.


I think that was the trigger phrase.

You used it to mean, "sorry to bother you when you're busy," and his ex (and many, many other reasonable people, including me) use it to mean, "I don't want to accept 'I'm busy' as an excuse." In a way that *was* what you meant, just not in an accusing way: "you may be busy, but I need X from you despite that."


(Not saying that his overreaction is not a viable indicator for you--it is. And a person doesn't ever need to justify why they're breaking up. Just brought it up as an interesting side lesson in semantics.)

Maybe the way to reach him is to send a message to that phone, streamline in order to avoid possible trigger phrases, that says: "Need to speak with you soonest, well before you travel back. Pls phone." Or, "need to speak with you right away--need you to change your travel plans. Please phone."

 
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Sneezy on October 09, 2013, 12:05:59 AM
Odd update time now that the computer is fixed!

Perhaps "I know you're busy" was a trigger phrase, but I did follow it up with it being a favor for him and not a need for me.

In any case, here's how things panned out.

Not too long after I posted, his sibling wrote on FaceBook that their mother passed away. They were semi-estranged, but she was one of his two remaining family members. Cue a few days of me cringing over dumping a guy on the heels of a death in the family.

The night before, he called and could tell something was up. He didn't think the issue the week before was that big of a deal since he's more accustomed to more explosive relationships. To him, being that busy and used to a different communication style, maybe not. But if it's the only communication I have with someone in a two week period, it doesn't exactly make me want to have any further communication with that person. Since there were clearly a large number of people around him, I left it at saying that it was a bad idea for him to come out and to go ahead on home and I'd call him in a few days.

A few hours later, after I went to sleep, he calls again to let me know that he really missed me and if I was doing okay since I didn't sound right when we spoke earlier. Yep. Doing fine, mumble mumble, zzzzzz...

Next night, they drop him off and he gets to my door after they drive off. Apparently, I was a little more vague in my half asleep state on the "do not come here" stance and said, "I don't care, but it's not going to be a good visit. Go home unless you want to deal with a hell visit." Great. I tell him what the problem is and suggest that he go home. He apologized and said he'd get counseling for the issues and that he really didn't want to lose me. We hung out as scheduled and are now on hiatus until he's had at least three visits to the shrink.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: katycoo on October 09, 2013, 01:56:22 AM
OK.  That's not awful.

How do you feel about this turning of events?
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Lynn2000 on October 10, 2013, 09:52:21 AM
Hmm, I guess I'm confused, but maybe you are, too, OP. ??? You said, "Don't come here, go on home," and he came anyway. You said, "This isn't going to be a good visit, you should go home," and he stayed anyway. He got news while on the trip that a relative died, but that didn't lead to him alter his travel plans either. He also called and woke you up (presumably at a time when it was reasonable that you were asleep) and tried to have a meaningful conversation with you when you were groggy, and, it seems, blames that grogginess for why he didn't "understand" that he shouldn't come visit you. Even though you told him that clearly before.

That's one take on it, anyway. I'm getting the feeling that he's not really listening to you. If he actually does go to a counselor maybe he will indeed learn about different communication styles and improve. However, it might also happen that he'll have reasons why he never gets around to the counselor, or their advice might not sink in. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I think you have to be prepared for bad outcomes and decide how you're going to deal with it, what your hard limit will be. Because you were pretty confident about your hard limit before, and he managed to talk you out of it. Which I'm not saying is necessarily a bad thing--people are allowed to change their mind, and these situations can be very nuanced--but just keep this in mind for the future. It's easy to fall into a pattern of "just one more chance" when really a clean break would be best.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: blarg314 on October 10, 2013, 08:03:36 PM

That's one take on it, anyway. I'm getting the feeling that he's not really listening to you.

That's a very good point. Kind of depressing, but realistic. You tried to put off a visit, and his response was to come anyways, ignoring all your requests. You tried to dump him, and his response was to say that he didn't want to break up, then refused to leave and insisted on having the weekend as planned, and to promised to change.

Given that you were originally planning to break up with him in large part because of his habit of reacting to things based solely on his point of view, and refusing to listen/consider yours, and that the result of you trying to cancel a get-together and break up with him was him getting everything he wanted and you getting nothing, I wouldn't have high hopes for anything changing, except for the fact that he now knows that he can manipulate beautifully.

From an etiquette point of view - if, after consideration on you own, you decide "what the $#@$# just happened" and want to go ahead with the breakup, I would say that given the situation it's perfectly acceptable to *email* him, say that you've thought things over without him standing there arguing, and you've decided that you are breaking up now - he can get counselling if he wants, but the relationship is over. You can even block email responses if you want to, or hang up if he calls.

Once someone has demonstrated that they are willing to railroad/manipulate their partner into staying with them, and won't listen to or comply with requests like "don't visit me", they drop out of the "should break up in person" category of consideration, and breaking up with them remotely and cutting off contact abruptly becomes an acceptably polite option, when it wasn't in the first place.




Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Sneezy on October 11, 2013, 07:21:54 PM
I really enjoy spending time with him and wasn't looking forward to being alone on my birthday, so I wasn't too upset about the way things turned out. However, we will not see one another until a shrink has seen him three times and he understands that I am open to seeing other people in the meantime.  I'll be darned if I'm going to sit around waiting for him to realize that other people exist, no matter how much I enjoy his company.  If he doesn't get around to it, then that will effectively end things.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Petticoats on October 11, 2013, 10:27:32 PM
Good for you. I'm glad you're not going to put up with more flakiness from him. :)
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Calypso on October 12, 2013, 02:14:43 PM
No offense intended, truly, but I think you're being very naive. How will you know he's been to a counselor three times---on his say so?

When a person has already shown that they have a hard time empathizing with another's perspective, it's a very very short step to totally minimizing your "requirement" that he go to a counselor. "She's fussing over something, so I'll placate her by verbally going along with it, but of course I don't have to actually DO anything----the problem is her, not me, anyway."

I hope I'm wrong, but I think he'll *tell* you he went to counseling and hope to continue the status quo.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: JenJay on October 12, 2013, 03:47:09 PM
I think that's a great update! He heard you, understood and respected what you had to say, and has decided he'd like to address the issues rather than lose you. If he follows through, awesome, and if he doesn't then you end it drama-free.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: cicero on October 20, 2013, 04:01:48 AM
Hmm, I guess I'm confused, but maybe you are, too, OP. ??? You said, "Don't come here, go on home," and he came anyway. You said, "This isn't going to be a good visit, you should go home," and he stayed anyway. He got news while on the trip that a relative died, but that didn't lead to him alter his travel plans either. He also called and woke you up (presumably at a time when it was reasonable that you were asleep) and tried to have a meaningful conversation with you when you were groggy, and, it seems, blames that grogginess for why he didn't "understand" that he shouldn't come visit you. Even though you told him that clearly before.

That's one take on it, anyway. I'm getting the feeling that he's not really listening to you. If he actually does go to a counselor maybe he will indeed learn about different communication styles and improve. However, it might also happen that he'll have reasons why he never gets around to the counselor, or their advice might not sink in. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I think you have to be prepared for bad outcomes and decide how you're going to deal with it, what your hard limit will be. Because you were pretty confident about your hard limit before, and he managed to talk you out of it. Which I'm not saying is necessarily a bad thing--people are allowed to change their mind, and these situations can be very nuanced--but just keep this in mind for the future. It's easy to fall into a pattern of "just one more chance" when really a clean break would be best.
maybe i'm just old and jaded but that's my take on it as well.

OP - i understand you have hopes this may work out. and I truly hope that things do work out! but - based on this^^ - it still sounds lke he isn't hearing you. and for a manipulative person, three visits to a therapist doesn't really mean anything when basic intake can take one or more sessions.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: greencat on October 20, 2013, 05:27:19 AM
This guy is still communicating with his ex.  He may be talking to you, but he's still communicating with her.  He should have dealt with that baggage before getting into another relationship, not still be carrying it around after dating you for a year.  He is not listening to you at all - that's not a communication issue, that's complete disregard for you.  Like Lynn said below, he ignored you three times when you told him to not come/go home.  You're excusing his bad behavior with "It's just what he's used to/just how he is."  That falls into the category of "character flaw" for me - is this a character flaw you can live with in a boyfriend?

And POD to the other posters who have said that just three sessions with a counselor is unlikely to have an impact.  Massive personal changes, like altering your communication style, will take more than just a few sessions.  I would honestly expect any counseling sessions he went to right now to deal with his feelings over the recent loss of his mother - that they were semi-estranged may mean that he has feelings of guilt over not being closer, or the reason for the estrangement, to deal with as well as grief.
Title: Re: Timing a Dumping
Post by: Sara Crewe on October 27, 2013, 09:03:16 AM
Just out of interest, why did you pick 3 visits?  Any real change in behaviour can take years (or certainly months).

He could easily go 3 times, not get anything out of the sessions and then tell you 'see, I've done what you asked, everything is fine now'.

Like PPs, I'm worried about the fact that he completely ignored every request you made - is this usual for your relationship?  It strikes me as very manipulative.

Also, what are you going to require as proof of the sessions?  Can you take his word for it, even if he thinks you are being ridiculous?  After all, he has already demonstrated he will ignore you if he thinks that is the case.