Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Techno-quette => Topic started by: Renee on October 07, 2013, 09:23:16 PM

Title: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: Renee on October 07, 2013, 09:23:16 PM
Hi -- this is my first time posting anything; so please be gentle ... I'm not sure if I am just being an old "cranky-pants" or if this situation is "odd".   

Background:  My family and I attend a small church (100+- regular members).  The minister recently posted on his personal Facebook page and the church Facebook page:   "Some have asked about Barbara and Bob wedding registry. Here is a link to their wedding website and it has registry links".  Barbara is his daughter and Bob the fiancée.  I found the posting(s) "odd" for a number of reasons.  A father posting where his daughter is registered for wedding gifts?  (mother of the bride is alive and well, married to the father, also on Facebook)   A father posting it on his own Facebook page and the church Facebook page? (seems odd for a minister to use Facebook for personal wedding information about his daughter).   Wedding invitations have not been sent out, nor have any "save the date" type announcements been made.

Thoughts?   Am I just an old-fashioned cranky-pants or is it okay for a father to post daughter's wedding registry information on Facebook?  And is it okay for a minister to post this same information on the church Facebook?
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: Sharnita on October 07, 2013, 09:30:09 PM
I wouldn't do it on the church site but have no idea why being the father instead of the mother would make a difference on personal fb.

I can also see where the question might arise with a shower before invites went out. StD are yhings some people never send out.

I don't know that I'd say you are crankypants but your views come off as a bit sexist.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: lady_disdain on October 07, 2013, 09:30:46 PM
I am not sure I understood your point - is the problem that the parents of the bride are posting registry information or that the father (instead of the mother) is posting the information?
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: gramma dishes on October 07, 2013, 09:55:55 PM
Given that some people are kind of "afraid" of the pastors of their church, I think in this particular case maybe it actually does make a difference.  I think some people will feel pressured to purchase a gift off the registry, even if they're not even specifically  invited to the upcoming wedding!

I think it was in poor taste. 
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: katycoo on October 07, 2013, 10:42:56 PM
I think it totally depends on the individual circumstance.

If a number of congregation members had been asking I do't think its that bad to post the info on the church page.  Also the way it was worded doesn't sound like it carried expectation.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: Library Dragon on October 07, 2013, 11:27:25 PM
I think it totally depends on the individual circumstance.

If a number of congregation members had been asking I do't think its that bad to post the info on the church page.  Also the way it was worded doesn't sound like it carried expectation.

Agreed.  IMO it seems to be in response to multiple questions about the registry.  Rather than having the pastor or church secretary having to deal with this question instead of their actual work it probably seemed easier to share the info with everyone twice (personal and church FB).
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: WillyNilly on October 07, 2013, 11:44:50 PM
I found the posting(s) "odd" for a number of reasons.  A father posting where his daughter is registered for wedding gifts?  (mother of the bride is alive and well, married to the father, also on Facebook)   A father posting it on his own Facebook page and the church Facebook page?

Am I understanding you here? You think it would more acceptable for a mother to do this but have a problem specifically because the father did it and there is a mother in the picture (alive, has Facebook, etc)?

Wedding invitations have not been sent out, nor have any "save the date" type announcements been made.

How do you know? Perhaps you just weren't invited.
But even if you do know... usually invite aren't sent out until 6-10 weeks before the wedding so if its still months off, there is not reason for invites to have been sent. As for StDs - many people don't send them at all, many others only only send StDs to family.

But ultimately I think the whole issue boils down to this:
"Some have asked about Barbara and Bob wedding registry..."

People are asking for this information. Its not an unsolicited posting.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: Psychopoesie on October 08, 2013, 12:18:52 AM
Not sure the minister should have posted personal info on the church fb page.

Ministers have a fair bit of positional power so, even without intending it, it may put some social pressure on people to buy wedding gifts. Sort of like the boss posting something on the work bulletin.

Putting it on a personal fb page is fine, because it sort of separates it out from the father's role as a minister. Can't really understand the issue about father vs mother posting info.

May depend on the church. I'm guessing based on OP raising the issue that church members aren't usually posting this sort of info on the fb site for their own family weddings.

As to the issue of no invitations or save the dates being sent out, I'm wondering if the OP is suggesting that releasing registry info to the congregation at large, many of whom may not be invited to the wedding, could come off as a bit gift grabby. Perhaps OP could clarify?





Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: Iris on October 08, 2013, 12:24:54 AM
I agree with Gramma Dishes. Firstly a pastor is in a position of authority and posting this on the church's official page may feel like pressure to some, regardless of the intent. Secondly, how many times have we said that registry information should be 'pull' information? The fact that some (even many) people have asked doesn't make it okay to push the information onto every single personal and professional facebook friend. He could just have easily PMed the people who asked. Thirdly, unless they are planning to invite every single person on both facebook pages to the wedding then I think it's pretty tacky to tell them about the registry unless they, personally, have asked. Although I personally wouldn't get all up in arms over this I think it is definitely not good etiquette.

The mother/father thing is not relevant in modern society so no issue there.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: Hmmmmm on October 08, 2013, 10:11:58 AM
Welcome to eHell.

I find it odd the information was posted before invitations went out but maybe there is already showers being held.

I find it inappopriate that he posted on both his personal and church FB page.

I'm kind of "iffy" on posting on his own FB page. That would be based on how he normally used FB and the number of friends who would have access to the information. I think a PM to those who had requested the info would be a much better option. Or just posting a "Daughter's wedding website is up for those interested. Here's the link."

I don't find it odd at all that a Dad is as involved in the wedding as the mother. But my husband has been as active a father as I've been as a mother so we don't delieniate between mommy and daddy roles.

Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: lowspark on October 08, 2013, 10:23:35 AM
The only thing I find to be a bit off is that he posted this to the church website. As PPs have guessed, I too think he (and possibly his secretary) have been asked multiple times where the couple are registered and he is just hoping that posting it will help alleviate all the inquiries.

You say the church has 100+/- members. That sounds small enough that it's possible everyone will be invited to the wedding. It also sounds small enough that the minister probably knows everyone (at least by face) who attends. In other words, it sounds like it has the feel of being an intimate family-like environment. If that's the case, then I'd give the minister the benefit of the doubt on this one. It might be a that everyone's asking because they want to give gifts and the relationship among the members and the minister is somewhat casual.

Now, if I'm wrong about this and the minister is more aloof and only a select few members will be invited to the wedding, then yeah, it's a faux pas.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: Zilla on October 08, 2013, 10:30:28 AM
I see nothing wrong with it on his own personal page as that's his to do whatever he wants with it.  I do think it's not right to post it on the Church's page.  If there are people asking on the church side and aren't "friends" with him on his own page, he needs to send them a PM giving the info.


As for why him and not the Mother.  What am I missing?  Why is it okay for the Mother but not the Father?
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: Betelnut on October 08, 2013, 10:32:41 AM
It was extremely unprofessional to post it to the church's FB. 
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: auntmeegs on October 08, 2013, 10:50:23 AM
It was extremely unprofessional to post it to the church's FB.

I agree.  I think it was fine for him to put that info on his own personal page but to put it on the Church's page was a bit much. 
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: hobish on October 08, 2013, 11:11:04 AM
Given that some people are kind of "afraid" of the pastors of their church, I think in this particular case maybe it actually does make a difference.  I think some people will feel pressured to purchase a gift off the registry, even if they're not even specifically  invited to the upcoming wedding!

I think it was in poor taste.

I agree.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: CrazyDaffodilLady on October 08, 2013, 01:27:47 PM
Speaking as the daughter of a minister, I think it was hugely inappropriate to post the registry information on the church's website.  I doubt that members of the congregation get to post their registry information there, so he's taking advantage of his position.  And I don't buy the time-saving excuse.  It is not an inconvenience to respond personally to every single person who asks about the registry.  It certainly takes less time to tell each person than it will take for that person to buy a gift.   
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: katycoo on October 08, 2013, 07:58:06 PM
Its not the church website, its the church FB page so argueably anymember can post a link to a registry page there.  I do think that's an important distinction.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: #borecore on October 08, 2013, 08:10:33 PM
Nobody should be posting their or their family member's registry on any page where someone who might not be invited to the wedding is likely to read it.

If I were hosting a shower for someone, say, I would not be justified in putting their registry on my page any more than they would.

"It's too time consuming" is not an excuse.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: WillyNilly on October 08, 2013, 08:23:28 PM
I think its important to note the guy did not post a direct link to the daughter's registry anywhere. He posted a link to her wedding website, which had links on it to the registry. It also presumably had lots of other wedding info, probably more prominent then the registry links, like photos, info on the couple, info on the wedding, the wedding party the families, maybe the honeymoon, etc.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: #borecore on October 08, 2013, 08:26:09 PM
Don't know how I missed that, but that makes it even WORSE to me. If these people aren't invited, they now have a direct link to all the wedding details, assuming they have a wedding website anything like any of the ones I've seen.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: gramma dishes on October 08, 2013, 08:26:34 PM
I think its important to note the guy did not post a direct link to the daughter's registry anywhere. He posted a link to her wedding website, which had links on it to the registry. It also presumably had lots of other wedding info, probably more prominent then the registry links, like photos, info on the couple, info on the wedding, the wedding party the families, maybe the honeymoon, etc.

That's a really good point, WillyNilly and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I missed that.  I was thinking he had posted the actual registry information on the church's website. 
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: Hmmmmm on October 08, 2013, 08:38:25 PM
I think its important to note the guy did not post a direct link to the daughter's registry anywhere. He posted a link to her wedding website, which had links on it to the registry. It also presumably had lots of other wedding info, probably more prominent then the registry links, like photos, info on the couple, info on the wedding, the wedding party the families, maybe the honeymoon, etc.
I would agree with this if he hadn't stated "people have asked about the registry so here's a link to the website". Any reference to the registry was in poor taste.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: Zizi-K on October 08, 2013, 09:23:11 PM
I haven't read through the whole thread, but if you're bothered that the pastor posted on the church's FB page, you might say something like, "Pastor Bill, naturally I've heard that your daughter is going to be married, congrats on that! I'm slightly concerned about your posting the registry info on the church's FB page. I don't know how that looks to prospective members who might be looking to join our congregation. Perhaps that kind of thing is best kept to your personal FB page?"

I'm Jewish, not Christian, but in my experience the rabbi is hired by the congregation, so it's not like they have all-consuming power. And since yours is such a small congregation (as mine is), that financial relationship is even more personal.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: shhh its me on October 15, 2013, 11:53:41 AM
  Father posting instead of the mother fine.   I think posting "for those who asked about the registry here's the link to the website " on his FB is ok too.  I'm going to make a leap here and assume it will be a church wedding and the congregation will be welcome if not specifically invited individually by name to the mass portion at least and possible cookies and punch after. So I would not take issue with "For those who asked about the wedding " on the church's FB

The only part I''m a little bothered by is posting mentioning the registry on the church's FB how bothered would depend on what is normally posted there.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: *inviteseller on October 18, 2013, 07:15:56 AM
I think any mention of his DD's registry/wedding website on the church FB page is wrong.  He can post whatever he wants on his own page, but putting it out there on the church page is like a boss sending his workers a memo to tell them and it makes people uncomfortable and feeling as if they must buy a gift.  As for a dad posting it..no problem what so ever with that.  I was raised by my father, but had a step mom after I was 12 but my dad answered any and all questions about both my sister and I's weddings if asked. 
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: shhh its me on October 18, 2013, 12:43:21 PM
I think any mention of his DD's registry/wedding website on the church FB page is wrong.  He can post whatever he wants on his own page, but putting it out there on the church page is like a boss sending his workers a memo to tell them and it makes people uncomfortable and feeling as if they must buy a gift.  As for a dad posting it..no problem what so ever with that.  I was raised by my father, but had a step mom after I was 12 but my dad answered any and all questions about both my sister and I's weddings if asked.

There is one thing that would make it less bothersome , if several/many members of the congregation posted links to their children's wedding ect websites,especially if she(the daughter) is also a member of the congregation. 
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: Winterlight on October 18, 2013, 01:32:53 PM
It was extremely unprofessional to post it to the church's FB.

Agreed. Posting it on his own page- well, that's what it's there for. To the church page- no.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: peaches on October 18, 2013, 02:14:07 PM
I think its important to note the guy did not post a direct link to the daughter's registry anywhere. He posted a link to her wedding website, which had links on it to the registry. It also presumably had lots of other wedding info, probably more prominent then the registry links, like photos, info on the couple, info on the wedding, the wedding party the families, maybe the honeymoon, etc.

I think you're splitting hairs. The whole purpose of his posting was to give people access to the registry. He said so.

Very inappropriate, and unprofessional IMO.
Title: Re: Father posting wedding registry information on facebook
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on October 18, 2013, 05:17:02 PM
I'm wondering if he meant to post on his own FB and accidentally posted on the church's? It happens. I have two business FB pages and thought I had logged into my personal one and posted up a picture of my dogs and my friend's dog and tagged her in the post. Thankfully since I tagged her she sent me a message and said "Glitter, your clients don't care about our cute dogs, move it to your personal page"...whoops. I fixed it. Because yes, my clients don't care. So I'm wondering if he just wasn't paying attention. And since no one has anything...doesn't think it's a big deal?

I am lost on why it matters if it's dad or mom or little sis. Wish the OP would come back and answer that query.