Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: GlitterIsMyDrug on November 04, 2013, 02:31:24 PM

Title: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on November 04, 2013, 02:31:24 PM
This seems a bit..hmm..tacky-ish, so I wanted to see why my fellow e-hellions thought.

This weekend I went to a baby shower for a friend, hosted by the FMIL, my BFF (who was in charge of games) and myself sort ended up handling a lot of basic hosting duties. But that isn't the part I have questions about.

When guests started to arrive FMIL asked us to greet them, put their gifts on the gift table and then (and here comes the question part) have them fill out the envolope for their thank you card.  :o

Both BFF and I were surprised by this and commented quietly to each other that it seemed a bit wrong, but we weren't the hosts and these weren't our guests so we slapped on big smiles and did as we were asked. I noticed a lot of the guests just started filling out the envelopes without our promoting them, so perhaps this was something done her social circle.

It took me awhile to put my finger on it but, I think what bothers me about this is that it's saying (IMO) "I can't be bothered with something as trivial as looking up your address to send you a thank you card". BTW, mom-to-be had to ask us what they were for and why they were doing this, so it wasn't her idea at all.

Thoughts?
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: TootsNYC on November 04, 2013, 02:34:01 PM
yeah, it does have that vibe. I really dislike it.

I've heard lots of people say, "oh, that's so considerate, the poor new mom/new bride who is so busy!" So some shower guests like it. And it's often the hostess, and not the guest of honor/gift recipient who thought of it.

It always makes me think, "maybe too many people are invited to this shower, if addressing the envelopes is such a chore."

Far more gracious would be for the hostess of the shower to address all the thank-you note envelopes and give them to the GOH to use.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Klein Bottle on November 04, 2013, 02:34:28 PM
It's so commonplace where I live that I never realized it was "not done" till I joined e-hell.  It doesn't bother me, but I guess it really *is* rather tacky.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Arila on November 04, 2013, 02:35:29 PM
"I can't be bothered with something as trivial as looking up your address to send you a thank you card"

This is the message I would receive as well.  OTOH, I would do it happily to save the MtB that much trouble when she's already got a lot on her plate as it is. My reservations would come from the idea that now my address is STILL in a place that isn't permanent. I would much rather sign a guest book (or at a wedding/bridal shower, an address book?) with the up-to-date info.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: JeanFromBNA on November 04, 2013, 02:39:28 PM
Oh, E-Hell no! 

As Miss Manners said, if the honoree is so busy, why not just ask the guests to thank themselves?

Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Julsie on November 04, 2013, 02:40:00 PM
Yes, it's "done" where I live but I do think it's tacky.  We should just fill out our own thank you cards while we're at it and leave a space for the recipient to sign her name.

I love the idea of a guest book as a way to collect everyone's current addresses!
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Pen^2 on November 04, 2013, 02:41:46 PM
Tacky.

It might be a lot of effort to write thank-you notes (OK, so maybe not that much), but it's the effort that makes it such a nice gesture. Having the guests do part of the job for you says, "You're not worth the effort. I don't want to thank you that much."

Sure, we all take shortcuts here and there sometimes, but to do it so blatantly says that you don't even care that they realise that your 'thank you' isn't particularly heartfelt. If they're honestly too busy to do their own thank-yous, then surely they're too busy to have a shower at all? Those precious minutes aren't going to spend themselves!

Or invite a more manageable number of people. If you can't afford (in time, money, or effort) to treat all your guests politely, then it's time to invite fewer so that you're able to do it properly.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Deetee on November 04, 2013, 02:41:59 PM
I think that part of this is reasonable. It is a good idea to collect the addresses. I can tell you that I don'y know the mailing addresses of almost anyone as I don't mail things. A nice address book would be much nicer.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Oh Joy on November 04, 2013, 02:44:46 PM
I find it's getting more common.  And I can't blame the GOH because it's usually at the hostess' initiative, and under the guise of 'let's help her out.'  But it's actually become my hill to die on, and I discreetly (or not so much if I'm pressed repeatedly) hand my envelope back in blank.

I'm glad to spend lots of time and money supporting the GOH in many different ways, but I just won't address my own card.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: ti_ax on November 04, 2013, 02:50:31 PM
Oh, E-Hell no! 

As Miss Manners said, if the honoree is so busy, why not just ask the guests to thank themselves?
My POD here!
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on November 04, 2013, 02:58:38 PM
BFF and I dutifully filled ours out (MTB and FMIL already have a stressed relationship, we weren't going to add salt to an open wound), but while we were doing so BFF pointed out "We all received paper invitations in the mail, she (FMIL) already has our addresses, wouldn't she just give them to MTB?", which makes sense to me.

I do know after one of my friend's wedding showers she said her FMIL presented her with pre-addressed thank-you notes for her to fill out for her shower guests. FMIL did calligraphy so the hand writing was beautiful and bride was touched her FMIL would do something so kind to help her out. But as guests, we weren't asked to fill out anything.

I like the idea of using a nice address book as a guest book and then presenting that to MTB so she has everyone addresses. And a pretty address book!
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: lowspark on November 04, 2013, 02:59:11 PM
I've only had that happen once at a shower I attended years ago. I filled out the envelope because, well, I was taken by surprise and didn't have time to think about it. Their story was that we would put our envelopes into a large bowl and draw for a gift out of that bowl. Cute.

If it ever happens again, I'll most likely just quietly put the envelope down and move on. I don't like it.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Lynn2000 on November 04, 2013, 02:59:59 PM
Yeah, I think it's tacky. If paper invitations were mailed to the guests, then someone has all their addresses anyway, so that's not an excuse. As TootsNYC said, if the hostess wants to do something nice for the GOH and save her some time, the hostess should fill out the TY envelopes, not make the guests do it.

I've never been asked to do it myself but I've heard it's common in some circles, so maybe if everyone expects it and even wants to do it, okay fine. To me it's one step removed from saying, "Grab a generic card that says 'thanks' on your way out, folks!" I mean, people took the time to come to a party and probably brought a present. I think they deserve more than a TY note with their own handwriting on it.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: esposita on November 04, 2013, 03:08:08 PM
I think it can be a necessity at times. I was once in the position of having a surprise shower. I didn't really like the idea of relying on the yellow pages or the internet to get addresses for my coworkers or people at the church we had just started attending, as I always got a couple results of several people with the same name. (I didn't even know everyone's full name!) (As it was a surprise, I did not have a guest list and I did not know everyone well enough to have their addresses.) Many ladies showed up and were happy to wish me well, it was not a gift grab, but I just didn't have access to their addresses. Having envelopes with everyone's address would have been a huge help. Its not necessarily the most proper thing to do, but it would have been very helpful.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on November 04, 2013, 03:15:00 PM
I think it can be a necessity at times. I was once in the position of having a surprise shower. I didn't really like the idea of relying on the yellow pages or the internet to get addresses for my coworkers or people at the church we had just started attending, as I always got a couple results of several people with the same name. (I didn't even know everyone's full name!) (As it was a surprise, I did not have a guest list and I did not know everyone well enough to have their addresses.) Many ladies showed up and were happy to wish me well, it was not a gift grab, but I just didn't have access to their addresses. Having envelopes with everyone's address would have been a huge help. Its not necessarily the most proper thing to do, but it would have been very helpful.

But wouldn't whoever threw you the shower have those addressees? Especially if they sent out the invitations? Surely if they're throwing a shower for you could ask them "Gee Mary, thank you so much for the shower! I'd like to get started on my thank you notes, would you be able to provide me with the guests' addressees?"
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: TurtleDove on November 04, 2013, 03:18:12 PM
Of course this is tacky, but as with most things shower related, I could not care less.  If I care about the guest of honor, I certainly am not going to embarrass her and the hosts by making a point of how much more etiquettely aware I am than they are by refusing to fill out the card.  If I don't care about the guest of honor, I wouldn't attend so it wouldn't affect me at all.

Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: mime on November 04, 2013, 03:25:07 PM
I'm agreeing with nearly everyone here. If writing addresses is too much for the GOH to handle, then the host can help by writing them. The host should not put the guests to work.

Yes, it's "done" where I live but I do think it's tacky.  We should just fill out our own thank you cards while we're at it and leave a space for the recipient to sign her name.
I love the idea of a guest book as a way to collect everyone's current addresses!

Maybe the next step is to have a shower activity that goes like this:
Host: Everyone grab a piece of stationery and a pen! [passes pens & paper around to the group]
Guests: [all do as they're told, expecting a game]
Host: Now I'll randomly assign a gift to you that was opened at the shower today. Your job is to write a thank-you note for the GOH to sign. A few days from now, you'll get one of these hand-written thank you notes, personally signed by the GOH in the mail... won't that be lovely?

Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: TurtleDove on November 04, 2013, 03:27:38 PM
i always send thank you notes, and work with my DD5 to send them too, but didn't I see somewhere that thank you notes are not etiquettely required if the recipient thanks the giver in person at the time the gift is presented?  I am going to go look this up now but I be before I find it someone will have the answer on this board.  I guess my point it, yeah, it's tacky, but is it even etiquettely required to send thank you notes when the GOH thanks the giver to her face?
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Yvaine on November 04, 2013, 03:30:50 PM
Of course this is tacky, but as with most things shower related, I could not care less.  If I care about the guest of honor, I certainly am not going to embarrass her and the hosts by making a point of how much more etiquettely aware I am than they are by refusing to fill out the card.  If I don't care about the guest of honor, I wouldn't attend so it wouldn't affect me at all.

Nobody's talking about a showy refusal, though. Most people are talking about either going ahead and doing it anyway, or discreetly just not filling it out.

But at any rate, the etiquette question isn't really about what to do when presented with this custom (and obviously we should all try to be polite when it happens), but whether the custom itself is tacky, which could be useful information for future shower hosts.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: SamiHami on November 04, 2013, 03:41:51 PM
i always send thank you notes, and work with my DD5 to send them too, but didn't I see somewhere that thank you notes are not etiquettely required if the recipient thanks the giver in person at the time the gift is presented?  I am going to go look this up now but I be before I find it someone will have the answer on this board.  I guess my point it, yeah, it's tacky, but is it even etiquettely required to send thank you notes when the GOH thanks the giver to her face?

Yes, thank you notes are still required even if you thank the giver in person.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Yvaine on November 04, 2013, 03:45:27 PM
i always send thank you notes, and work with my DD5 to send them too, but didn't I see somewhere that thank you notes are not etiquettely required if the recipient thanks the giver in person at the time the gift is presented?  I am going to go look this up now but I be before I find it someone will have the answer on this board.  I guess my point it, yeah, it's tacky, but is it even etiquettely required to send thank you notes when the GOH thanks the giver to her face?

Yes, thank you notes are still required even if you thank the giver in person.

I have always read that in general they're not, but that some events (like showers) get a TY note anyway, either because they're more formal or because of the assumption that it's a big group and you didn't get the chance to say something really personal to the giver. I have always heard that they're not required for, say, a casual birthday party with 4 guests where all gifts were given in person.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on November 04, 2013, 03:52:02 PM
i always send thank you notes, and work with my DD5 to send them too, but didn't I see somewhere that thank you notes are not etiquettely required if the recipient thanks the giver in person at the time the gift is presented?  I am going to go look this up now but I be before I find it someone will have the answer on this board.  I guess my point it, yeah, it's tacky, but is it even etiquettely required to send thank you notes when the GOH thanks the giver to her face?

I apply this rule: No one has ever complained that they did receive a thank you note. Just like no one complains there is too much food, or too many comfortable places to sit.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Lynn2000 on November 04, 2013, 04:55:14 PM
i always send thank you notes, and work with my DD5 to send them too, but didn't I see somewhere that thank you notes are not etiquettely required if the recipient thanks the giver in person at the time the gift is presented?  I am going to go look this up now but I be before I find it someone will have the answer on this board.  I guess my point it, yeah, it's tacky, but is it even etiquettely required to send thank you notes when the GOH thanks the giver to her face?

Yes, thank you notes are still required even if you thank the giver in person.

I have always read that in general they're not, but that some events (like showers) get a TY note anyway, either because they're more formal or because of the assumption that it's a big group and you didn't get the chance to say something really personal to the giver. I have always heard that they're not required for, say, a casual birthday party with 4 guests where all gifts were given in person.

This is where I fall--it seems like they are done/expected more often for "organized" occasions like showers or wedding gifts, and less for looser, more casual parties. (I was trying to think of a way to say formal vs. informal, but not with those words, because a shower or wedding could be quite informal in terms of style, like a backyard BBQ, but I think many people would still expect TY cards for gifts given at them.)

I do think it depends on the situation. Big shower where you're sitting at the front of the room and yell out, "Thank you, Aunt Gloria!" and go on to the next present? I would advise someone to write TY notes. Intimate shower where you're able to spend a few minutes with each guest more or less individually and use multiple sentences to thank them for their gift? I would suggest not worrying about TY notes unless you really want to.

Anyway, I'm always kind of leery when I think to myself, "I don't want to, and etiquette says I don't have to!" I feel like I'm trying to get myself out of some work on a technicality. Especially when it comes to showing gratitude to people. I think I personally would rather err on the side of "over-thanking" than "under-thanking."
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: TootsNYC on November 04, 2013, 04:59:35 PM
I think it can be a necessity at times. I was once in the position of having a surprise shower. I didn't really like the idea of relying on the yellow pages or the internet to get addresses for my coworkers or people at the church we had just started attending, as I always got a couple results of several people with the same name. (I didn't even know everyone's full name!) (As it was a surprise, I did not have a guest list and I did not know everyone well enough to have their addresses.) Many ladies showed up and were happy to wish me well, it was not a gift grab, but I just didn't have access to their addresses. Having envelopes with everyone's address would have been a huge help. Its not necessarily the most proper thing to do, but it would have been very helpful.

Of course it would be helpful to have their addresses, and I can totally see how someone could end up in your position.

But as the shower hostess, I'd be asking everyone to write their name & address on a sheet of paper, and maybe even write in what they gave as a backup in case the record-keeping got scrambled.

I think people would be very happy to provide that. And while it's the exact same amount of work as writing it on the envelopes, it feels like "providing info for her address book" instead of "taking care of half the work of writing thank-you notes."

But I've heard lots of guests say, "Oh, what a nice idea." And those of us who don't like it usually don't say anything.



And I'm mostly w/ Lynn2000 on the "are they required." In an intimate shower in which you have plenty of time to interact during the gift-giving, they shouldn't be required.

But I would never suggest that someone skip them, simply because SO many people, especially with showers, are counting the days until they get the thank-you *in writing*.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Lynn2000 on November 04, 2013, 05:03:50 PM
Of course this is tacky, but as with most things shower related, I could not care less.  If I care about the guest of honor, I certainly am not going to embarrass her and the hosts by making a point of how much more etiquettely aware I am than they are by refusing to fill out the card.  If I don't care about the guest of honor, I wouldn't attend so it wouldn't affect me at all.

Nobody's talking about a showy refusal, though. Most people are talking about either going ahead and doing it anyway, or discreetly just not filling it out.

But at any rate, the etiquette question isn't really about what to do when presented with this custom (and obviously we should all try to be polite when it happens), but whether the custom itself is tacky, which could be useful information for future shower hosts.

Yeah, hmm, I don't know what I'd do, actually, when presented with it. I think I would find it a bit irritating--kind of on the level of asking guests to help clean up after the shower, or to bring an extra specific thing in addition to their regular gift, or to pay their own (modest) entry fee to the venue. It's just like, why? Why not be a smidge more hospitable and not ask guests to give more of their money/time/effort than they've already chosen to? (Speaking to the hostess, not the GOH, unless I knew for sure it was the GOH's idea.) Especially when it's something the hostess could take care of herself, if her goal is to save the GOH some effort later.

But, honestly, I would probably just go ahead and do it, because it seems like something where one could easily be "called out" for not doing it, and that would embarrass people.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: katycoo on November 04, 2013, 05:24:46 PM
Eh.  This just isn't something that bothers me.  Addressing envelopes takes ages but only 30 seconds to do you own when you already know your address.  I appreciate why others don't like it but personally I just don't care.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: hobish on November 04, 2013, 05:35:50 PM
Super super super horrifyingly tacky. I have run into it a few times. When co-hosting a shower I said as much, and refused to have anything to do with it Ö at which point another host told me they did it at hers   ::) Very tactful, hobish. Great job. Still glad we didnít do it, though. At another shower one of the brideís relatives stood over me to make sure I filled it out, because the GOH wouldnít have time. Next time I will inform the person that I donít have time to be there, and I will leave. Iím sorry; the line has got to be drawn somewhere. If I can take the time out of my day and money out of my wallet to pick out a gift Ė which may involve a trip to Babies R Us or some similar hell-spot Ė wrap it, dress up, get transportation there, etc. and they canít take the time to address the stinkiní envelope Ö well, maybe we arenít really compatible.
LOL Ö yeah Ö I feel just a bit strongly about this.
I have no problem with someone with nice handwriting filling them out as a nice gift for a GOH. I may be slightly biased since I have nice handwriting and have thought of doing that for people. I think that is different, though, as it is being done willingly, as a nicety. Asking your guests just says to me, "I have so little regard for this - you do it for me."



Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Surianne on November 04, 2013, 05:41:17 PM
I haven't encountered this but I have zero problem with it and would be happy to write down my address. 

I'll have to spend time giving my address to someone anyway -- whether the guest of honour or the shower host emails me or calls me for it, it probably takes less of my time to simply write it at the shower than it would to reply to that email or return that phone message.

Most people I know who are at the baby/bridal shower age tend to move frequently (lots of graduate students), so I'd never assume they know my address already.  I've also never received a mailed shower invitation.  It's always been handed to me in person, relayed over the phone, or emailed.  So the hostess wouldn't have had my mailing address to start with.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Yvaine on November 04, 2013, 05:46:31 PM
I haven't encountered this but I have zero problem with it and would be happy to write down my address. 

I'll have to spend time giving my address to someone anyway -- whether the guest of honour or the shower host emails me or calls me for it, it probably takes less of my time to simply write it at the shower than it would to reply to that email or return that phone message.

Most people I know who are at the baby/bridal shower age tend to move frequently (lots of graduate students), so I'd never assume they know my address already.  I've also never received a mailed shower invitation.  It's always been handed to me in person, relayed over the phone, or emailed.  So the hostess wouldn't have had my mailing address to start with.

But I think most people wouldn't mind writing it down on, say, a guest book, and then having the GOH copy it from that. This isn't a matter of having vs. not having the addresses. Having the guests fill out the actual envelope they will receive is like saying "I can't even be bothered to copy your address even if I do have it." It's cutting out that one step of effort that's tacky.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on November 04, 2013, 05:48:21 PM
Eh.  This just isn't something that bothers me. Addressing envelopes takes ages but only 30 seconds to do you own when you already know your address.  I appreciate why others don't like it but personally I just don't care.

There were actually a few people there who didn't seem to know their own addresses. They had to look them up. I assumed they'd just recently moved or were maybe consulting what their zip code was.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: TurtleDove on November 04, 2013, 05:52:15 PM
*Disclaimer* of course this is tacky....

I wouldn't want to causes done I care about additional work just for the principal of the matter so, to me, it would be silly to be okay writing my address in a guest book but outraged to write it on an envelope. I always feel that if I like someone and care about them enough to attend the shower, who cares about silly tacky details? They are my friend!
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Surianne on November 04, 2013, 05:54:35 PM
I haven't encountered this but I have zero problem with it and would be happy to write down my address. 

I'll have to spend time giving my address to someone anyway -- whether the guest of honour or the shower host emails me or calls me for it, it probably takes less of my time to simply write it at the shower than it would to reply to that email or return that phone message.

Most people I know who are at the baby/bridal shower age tend to move frequently (lots of graduate students), so I'd never assume they know my address already.  I've also never received a mailed shower invitation.  It's always been handed to me in person, relayed over the phone, or emailed.  So the hostess wouldn't have had my mailing address to start with.

But I think most people wouldn't mind writing it down on, say, a guest book, and then having the GOH copy it from that. This isn't a matter of having vs. not having the addresses. Having the guests fill out the actual envelope they will receive is like saying "I can't even be bothered to copy your address even if I do have it." It's cutting out that one step of effort that's tacky.

Yes, I do recognize that other people are bothered by it -- lots of posters in this thread have said it's very tacky, and some have even said they'd refuse to do.  I'm just speaking of my personal feelings.  I'd have no problem with writing my address on an envelope. 

To me what's important is the content of the thank you card/note, not how many hours the guest of honour spent addressing envelopes.  I'd rather she use the time to give me an update in the note itself.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Oh Joy on November 04, 2013, 05:57:30 PM
And from an introspective view, I find it interesting that I'm somehow more bothered by being voluntold by the hostess than if the GOH were to ask me herself.  Will have to chew on that.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Yvaine on November 04, 2013, 06:00:42 PM
*Disclaimer* of course this is tacky....

I wouldn't want to causes done I care about additional work just for the principal of the matter so, to me, it would be silly to be okay writing my address in a guest book but outraged to write it on an envelope. I always feel that if I like someone and care about them enough to attend the shower, who cares about silly tacky details? They are my friend!

Here's the thing, though. We're not just talking to potential guests on this forum, we're also talking to potential hosts. People look up old threads from here for advice on their own events. And this is an etiquette forum, not a Stuff That Bothers TurtleDove forum. To guests, I think most of us would say, forgive the tackiness, don't be outraged, some people just don't know etiquette rules.

But to any future hosts reading this thread, it's important to know that it does in fact break an etiquette rule, and it might piss off Distant Aunt Whozit who doesn't know your spotless intentions. Yes, we don't always have to stand on ceremony with our nearest and dearest, but we're all going to attend social events during our lives with people we know less well, and that's why we have etiquette--to smooth our interactions when we don't know each other well enough to totally let loose yet.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: TootsNYC on November 04, 2013, 06:02:51 PM
And from an introspective view, I find it interesting that I'm somehow more bothered by being voluntold by the hostess than if the GOH were to ask me herself.  Will have to chew on that.

Hmmm.
Maybe because you're thinking, "Hey, you did the invites; can't you do the addresses? If you think this is such a great favor to do for her, YOU do it!" ?


I think I'd actually rather it come from the hostess, bcs I can roll my eyes at her. And do it, figuring that it's just easier than making a stink. And she's not personally benefitting from it.
   but if it was the GOH, I'd be sort of insulted, because then it really *would* be saying "I can't be bothered writing out your address, but I'm happy to take your gift."
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Hmmmmm on November 04, 2013, 06:12:31 PM
*Disclaimer* of course this is tacky....

I wouldn't want to causes done I care about additional work just for the principal of the matter so, to me, it would be silly to be okay writing my address in a guest book but outraged to write it on an envelope. I always feel that if I like someone and care about them enough to attend the shower, who cares about silly tacky details? They are my friend!

To me there is a difference in writing it down in a guest book and writing it on a envelope. With the first, I'm providing  information for future reference. On the second I'm, I'm just saving her or him work. And I'm really suprised that for a wedding shower the couple doesn't have the address anyway since they would have the need to mail a wedding invitation.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: hobish on November 04, 2013, 06:32:02 PM
*Disclaimer* of course this is tacky....

I wouldn't want to causes done I care about additional work just for the principal of the matter so, to me, it would be silly to be okay writing my address in a guest book but outraged to write it on an envelope. I always feel that if I like someone and care about them enough to attend the shower, who cares about silly tacky details? They are my friend!

To me there is a difference in writing it down in a guest book and writing it on a envelope. With the first, I'm providing  information for future reference. On the second I'm, I'm just saving her or him work. And I'm really suprised that for a wedding shower the couple doesn't have the address anyway since they would have the need to mail a wedding invitation.

That will be next. "Ok, just fill this envelope out for the GOH for the thank you notes. And this one for the wedding invitation. And this one for that thank you note. Christmas will be here soon. Be a dear and address this one, too."   ;) :P
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Yvaine on November 04, 2013, 06:33:55 PM
*Disclaimer* of course this is tacky....

I wouldn't want to causes done I care about additional work just for the principal of the matter so, to me, it would be silly to be okay writing my address in a guest book but outraged to write it on an envelope. I always feel that if I like someone and care about them enough to attend the shower, who cares about silly tacky details? They are my friend!

To me there is a difference in writing it down in a guest book and writing it on a envelope. With the first, I'm providing  information for future reference. On the second I'm, I'm just saving her or him work. And I'm really suprised that for a wedding shower the couple doesn't have the address anyway since they would have the need to mail a wedding invitation.

That will be next. "Ok, just fill this envelope out for the GOH for the thank you notes. And this one for the wedding invitation. And this one for that thank you note. Christmas will be here soon. Be a dear and address this one, too."   ;) :P

Maybe they can at least find a way to incorporate carbon paper and save the guests some work.  ;D
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: StoutGirl on November 04, 2013, 06:54:37 PM
I have been finding that this is a growing trend around here, ugh!  I will give a pass to the guest of honor in this situation, since she seemed to genuinely have nothing to do with it.  At least she did not hand out the envelopes and then complain about her hand hurting from all the TY notes that she had to write for wedding gifts, which is what my cousin's wife did at her baby shower.  I was all like  :o   ::)  !
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: LeveeWoman on November 04, 2013, 06:56:43 PM
*Disclaimer* of course this is tacky....

I wouldn't want to causes done I care about additional work just for the principal of the matter so, to me, it would be silly to be okay writing my address in a guest book but outraged to write it on an envelope. I always feel that if I like someone and care about them enough to attend the shower, who cares about silly tacky details? They are my friend!

To me there is a difference in writing it down in a guest book and writing it on a envelope. With the first, I'm providing  information for future reference. On the second I'm, I'm just saving her or him work. And I'm really suprised that for a wedding shower the couple doesn't have the address anyway since they would have the need to mail a wedding invitation.

That will be next. "Ok, just fill this envelope out for the GOH for the thank you notes. And this one for the wedding invitation. And this one for that thank you note. Christmas will be here soon. Be a dear and address this one, too."   ;) :P

Maybe they can at least find a way to incorporate carbon paper and save the guests some work.  ;D

Or, have everyone bring a sheet of pre-printed address labels!
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Zizi-K on November 04, 2013, 08:13:49 PM
I think having the shower guests fill out their address is one of those things that is pretty tacky if you think about it. However, most of the time they make it in to a game for which you can win prizes, and I generally prefer not to think hard to find offense. It is virtually never the honoree that makes this request, but rather well-intentioned hostesses. So, I do it and move on to thinking about the many lovely things about the shower instead.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Surianne on November 04, 2013, 09:43:47 PM
*Disclaimer* of course this is tacky....

I wouldn't want to causes done I care about additional work just for the principal of the matter so, to me, it would be silly to be okay writing my address in a guest book but outraged to write it on an envelope. I always feel that if I like someone and care about them enough to attend the shower, who cares about silly tacky details? They are my friend!

Here's the thing, though. We're not just talking to potential guests on this forum, we're also talking to potential hosts. People look up old threads from here for advice on their own events. And this is an etiquette forum, not a Stuff That Bothers TurtleDove forum. To guests, I think most of us would say, forgive the tackiness, don't be outraged, some people just don't know etiquette rules.

But to any future hosts reading this thread, it's important to know that it does in fact break an etiquette rule, and it might piss off Distant Aunt Whozit who doesn't know your spotless intentions. Yes, we don't always have to stand on ceremony with our nearest and dearest, but we're all going to attend social events during our lives with people we know less well, and that's why we have etiquette--to smooth our interactions when we don't know each other well enough to totally let loose yet.

I won't speak for TurtleDove, but since I posted similar opinions, I'd like to say that I was treating this as a discussion forum, where various opinions are allowed, as long as we're respectful--and I hope that you might dial down the condescension a bit and try to be respectful of our opinions as well. 

Etiquette does evolve over time, and I think it's completely reasonable to share what doesn't offend us, as much as what does.  If we were to see in this thread that 90% of posters thought the envelope addressing practice was perfectly okay, then it would make sense for that rule to begin to change. 

Similarly, one of the things I find most useful about this board is to see just how much etiquette varies in different countries and social circles.  It helps me to put aside my anger or embarrassment at something I see as horribly rude when I learn that someone else feels there's a perfectly logical reason for it. 
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: violetminnow on November 04, 2013, 09:56:18 PM
Before I read ehell I never would have thought twice about this. Honestly I think it's a great enticement for people to confirm their address. I know a lot of people didn't bother to sign the guest book at my wedding, maybe if I'd offered a door prize I'd've gotten more takers.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Yvaine on November 04, 2013, 10:19:40 PM
*Disclaimer* of course this is tacky....

I wouldn't want to causes done I care about additional work just for the principal of the matter so, to me, it would be silly to be okay writing my address in a guest book but outraged to write it on an envelope. I always feel that if I like someone and care about them enough to attend the shower, who cares about silly tacky details? They are my friend!

Here's the thing, though. We're not just talking to potential guests on this forum, we're also talking to potential hosts. People look up old threads from here for advice on their own events. And this is an etiquette forum, not a Stuff That Bothers TurtleDove forum. To guests, I think most of us would say, forgive the tackiness, don't be outraged, some people just don't know etiquette rules.

But to any future hosts reading this thread, it's important to know that it does in fact break an etiquette rule, and it might piss off Distant Aunt Whozit who doesn't know your spotless intentions. Yes, we don't always have to stand on ceremony with our nearest and dearest, but we're all going to attend social events during our lives with people we know less well, and that's why we have etiquette--to smooth our interactions when we don't know each other well enough to totally let loose yet.

I won't speak for TurtleDove, but since I posted similar opinions, I'd like to say that I was treating this as a discussion forum, where various opinions are allowed, as long as we're respectful--and I hope that you might dial down the condescension a bit and try to be respectful of our opinions as well. 


I'm not trying to be condescending or squelch discussion (nor do I have any power to do so) and didn't have any issues with anything you said in this thread, Surianne. I get irked sometimes when posters take the tack of "it doesn't bother me, so no one else should let it bother them if they care about their friends" and was just trying to make the point that we might have totally different advice for the offend-ee than we might have for the offend-er.  To an offend-ee, the advice might be "they're your friends, you love them, let it go," but the original question was more about whether it's rude to do it, not whether to be annoyed if someone else does. The OP was perfectly polite in the situation. And I don't think we can say people don't care about the GOH if they get annoyed.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Erich L-ster on November 04, 2013, 10:33:19 PM
I feel it's tacky and on the very mild edge of rude. I wouldn't be angry about it but I would feel "put off" about it and slightly irritated.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: kherbert05 on November 04, 2013, 11:02:55 PM
When one of my cousins got married a good number of her friends were in that between and betwix place where they were leaving university, moving into to first real jobs. So many new addresses. A bunch of inviations to the shower were returned repeatedly, making the rounds from univerisity, parents' houses, and various apartments. Her bridesmaids had a cool idea. They gave out cards to a new address book, and we filled those out so she had an updated address book. Made thank you notes much easier to send.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: GrammarNerd on November 04, 2013, 11:25:24 PM
I went to a wedding shower (or maybe baby shower?) where they did this, before my e-hell days, and I had a bad feeling about it even then.  It just seemed to me that the GOH was getting all of these gifts, and that was the price, so to speak....she got a lot of stuff, but she had to write the thank yous.  It's just, shall we say, a cost of doing business; that is, it's one of those expected things.  So yes, I was somewhat miffed that I not only had to spend money on the shower present, but that I had to do part of her 'job' too. 

And yes, I've had showers, but no, I've never had anyone do the 'address the envelopes' thing as an activity!

I guess I can see the thought/good intention behind it, but it sort of falls flat when you really think about it.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Pen^2 on November 04, 2013, 11:29:27 PM
As others have said, although this is tacky and it does break an etiquette rule, I'd personally just fill out the dingdangity envelope. It's not worth bothering about, to me. And no-one else here has said they'd make a scene (which would be even ruder!). I think most of us are kind of on the same page.

But for future hosts, they should be aware that just because guests are willing to put up with something doesn't mean it's actually okay. This is tacky. It is not etiquette approved. The address book idea is an excellent way of getting the same info without voluntelling the guests to do the hostess/GOH's work and sending the message that their guests aren't worth the admittedly small amount of effort required to do the thank-yous properly. If you need address info, get it, just don't do it in a way that cuts corners where etiquette is concerned. Writing the addresses into a guest book or some such mightn't be as efficient as having the guests write them directly onto their own envelopes, so I can see where this is coming from, but efficiency absolutely does not equal polite.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: zyrs on November 04, 2013, 11:41:13 PM
When one of my cousins got married a good number of her friends were in that between and betwix place where they were leaving university, moving into to first real jobs. So many new addresses. A bunch of inviations to the shower were returned repeatedly, making the rounds from univerisity, parents' houses, and various apartments. Her bridesmaids had a cool idea. They gave out cards to a new address book, and we filled those out so she had an updated address book. Made thank you notes much easier to send.

This is a great idea.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: peaches on November 05, 2013, 01:11:08 AM
It's tacky IMO, and it's not a custom I'd like to encourage.

The worst of it is that the honoree may have no inkling that this is going to happen. Once the party is underway, it would be hard to shut this down without making a scene.

Giving an address book to the honoree would have more permanence and usefulness. But, didn't the addresses for the guests come from the honoree in the first place?

Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Yvaine on November 05, 2013, 08:07:54 AM
Oh, and then I thought of something else--sometimes people do this and then either don't know why they're doing it, or flake on it later--I went to a shower years ago where they did the envelopes and then TY notes were never sent.  ;D
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: bopper on November 05, 2013, 08:12:49 AM
I have heard of this before, but of course it smacks of "I have an obligation to thank you but really don't want to put out the effort because I am so "busy""
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Goosey on November 05, 2013, 08:13:15 AM
I think you can care deeply for someone and find something they did tacky at the same time.

So, you can care for someone and care that they're being tacky all at once - it's not mutually exclusive. So, "you shouldn't care if you really care about the GOH" stance seems a but off to me.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: TurtleDove on November 05, 2013, 08:23:27 AM
*Disclaimer* of course this is tacky....

I wouldn't want to causes done I care about additional work just for the principal of the matter so, to me, it would be silly to be okay writing my address in a guest book but outraged to write it on an envelope. I always feel that if I like someone and care about them enough to attend the shower, who cares about silly tacky details? They are my friend!

Here's the thing, though. We're not just talking to potential guests on this forum, we're also talking to potential hosts. People look up old threads from here for advice on their own events. And this is an etiquette forum, not a Stuff That Bothers TurtleDove forum. To guests, I think most of us would say, forgive the tackiness, don't be outraged, some people just don't know etiquette rules.

But to any future hosts reading this thread, it's important to know that it does in fact break an etiquette rule, and it might piss off Distant Aunt Whozit who doesn't know your spotless intentions. Yes, we don't always have to stand on ceremony with our nearest and dearest, but we're all going to attend social events during our lives with people we know less well, and that's why we have etiquette--to smooth our interactions when we don't know each other well enough to totally let loose yet.

I won't speak for TurtleDove, but since I posted similar opinions, I'd like to say that I was treating this as a discussion forum, where various opinions are allowed, as long as we're respectful--and I hope that you might dial down the condescension a bit and try to be respectful of our opinions as well. 


I'm not trying to be condescending or squelch discussion (nor do I have any power to do so) and didn't have any issues with anything you said in this thread, Surianne. I get irked sometimes when posters take the tack of "it doesn't bother me, so no one else should let it bother them if they care about their friends" and was just trying to make the point that we might have totally different advice for the offend-ee than we might have for the offend-er.  To an offend-ee, the advice might be "they're your friends, you love them, let it go," but the original question was more about whether it's rude to do it, not whether to be annoyed if someone else does. The OP was perfectly polite in the situation. And I don't think we can say people don't care about the GOH if they get annoyed.

Yvaine, I am going to assume this is not pointed at me, because otherwise I am not sure why you seem to believe my personal opinions, stated as such, have any bearing on what I think other people should think or do. If you have a personal issue with me, which I am beginning to suspect since this seems to be a pattern, please pm me and keep it off the board.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Yvaine on November 05, 2013, 08:31:27 AM
Yvaine, I am going to assume this is not pointed at me, because otherwise I am not sure why you seem to believe my personal opinions, stated as such, have any bearing on what I think other people should think or do. If you have a personal issue with me, which I am beginning to suspect since this seems to be a pattern, please pm me and keep it off the board.

Eh. I don't necessarily notice who's making a point. I know I've agreed with you in other threads about other stuff. I remember one day I noticed I was POD POD PODDING a poster in one thread and fighting like cats and dogs with the exact same poster in a different thread. Your post sounded prescriptive to me when I read it last night; if it's not, then never mind.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: TurtleDove on November 05, 2013, 08:41:07 AM
Yvaine, I am going to assume this is not pointed at me, because otherwise I am not sure why you seem to believe my personal opinions, stated as such, have any bearing on what I think other people should think or do. If you have a personal issue with me, which I am beginning to suspect since this seems to be a pattern, please pm me and keep it off the board.

Eh. I don't necessarily notice who's making a point. I know I've agreed with you in other threads about other stuff. I remember one day I noticed I was POD POD PODDING a poster in one thread and fighting like cats and dogs with the exact same poster in a different thread. Your post sounded prescriptive to me when I read it last night; if it's not, then never mind.

Okay - all good then! :) Thank you for responding!
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Lynn2000 on November 05, 2013, 09:49:54 AM
As others have said, although this is tacky and it does break an etiquette rule, I'd personally just fill out the dingdangity envelope. It's not worth bothering about, to me. And no-one else here has said they'd make a scene (which would be even ruder!). I think most of us are kind of on the same page.

But for future hosts, they should be aware that just because guests are willing to put up with something doesn't mean it's actually okay. This is tacky. It is not etiquette approved. The address book idea is an excellent way of getting the same info without voluntelling the guests to do the hostess/GOH's work and sending the message that their guests aren't worth the admittedly small amount of effort required to do the thank-yous properly. If you need address info, get it, just don't do it in a way that cuts corners where etiquette is concerned. Writing the addresses into a guest book or some such mightn't be as efficient as having the guests write them directly onto their own envelopes, so I can see where this is coming from, but efficiency absolutely does not equal polite.

POD. I think the bolded is a good point, for future hosts. If this was absolutely the only thing I could come up with from a shower that bothered me, I'd say it went pretty well overall. But I could also imagine an event filled with little annoyances on this level, little impositions that the host assumed everyone would be okay with, because everyone was polite and no one out-and-out threw a fit about them in the past, until suddenly the whole event just glows with an aura of irritation in my mind, and makes me likely to decline the next invitation from this host.

Granted, slippery slope. ;) I think it's something that it's good for future hosts to be aware of, and if they want to do it, they should ask themselves why, and see if there's any way they can achieve their answer without involving the guests. Like, "I want to make TY notes easier for the GOH!" Worthy goal. Fill out the envelopes yourself, then, or pay someone else to do it, or print up address labels yourself, or something like that.

Plus, just the coordination of it! So much could go wrong when trying to get a group of people to do something like that. What if someone does their address incorrectly, or someone doesn't do it, or someone sent a gift but isn't at the shower personally? Does that person not get a TY then? That doesn't seem right.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: TootsNYC on November 05, 2013, 09:55:13 AM
As others have said, although this is tacky and it does break an etiquette rule, I'd personally just fill out the dingdangity envelope. It's not worth bothering about, to me. And no-one else here has said they'd make a scene (which would be even ruder!). I think most of us are kind of on the same page.

But for future hosts, they should be aware that just because guests are willing to put up with something doesn't mean it's actually okay. This is tacky. It is not etiquette approved. The address book idea is an excellent way of getting the same info without voluntelling the guests to do the hostess/GOH's work and sending the message that their guests aren't worth the admittedly small amount of effort required to do the thank-yous properly. If you need address info, get it, just don't do it in a way that cuts corners where etiquette is concerned. Writing the addresses into a guest book or some such mightn't be as efficient as having the guests write them directly onto their own envelopes, so I can see where this is coming from, but efficiency absolutely does not equal polite.

It could actually be more efficient for the GOH to give her a list of addresses, because she can take that list home with her and slip it into her address book.

If you put it on the envelope, it's a little harder on her--she has to transfer the addresses to the address book manually--before she mails the envelopes--instead of just tucking the piece of paper inside (and entering them later, if she decides she wants to).

But then, if she has the addresses already in her book, then she doesn't need the pre-addressed envelopes.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: heartmug on November 05, 2013, 11:15:23 AM
This seems a bit..hmm..tacky-ish, so I wanted to see why my fellow e-hellions thought.

This weekend I went to a baby shower for a friend, hosted by the FMIL, my BFF (who was in charge of games) and myself sort ended up handling a lot of basic hosting duties. But that isn't the part I have questions about.

When guests started to arrive FMIL asked us to greet them, put their gifts on the gift table and then (and here comes the question part) have them fill out the envolope for their thank you card.  :o



Same thing happened to me at a baby shower.  Though her mom presented it as "Let's give my daughter one less thing to do" and seeing how she was due to give birth in a month, or sooner, I gave a pass.

Now at a bridal shower, there was a small table in the corner of the entryway to the home with a sign that if you would like to fill out your address on one envelope that would be helpful.

Still.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: kareng57 on November 05, 2013, 11:51:31 AM
i always send thank you notes, and work with my DD5 to send them too, but didn't I see somewhere that thank you notes are not etiquettely required if the recipient thanks the giver in person at the time the gift is presented?  I am going to go look this up now but I be before I find it someone will have the answer on this board.  I guess my point it, yeah, it's tacky, but is it even etiquettely required to send thank you notes when the GOH thanks the giver to her face?

Yes, thank you notes are still required even if you thank the giver in person.

I have always read that in general they're not, but that some events (like showers) get a TY note anyway, either because they're more formal or because of the assumption that it's a big group and you didn't get the chance to say something really personal to the giver. I have always heard that they're not required for, say, a casual birthday party with 4 guests where all gifts were given in person.


I think it's one of those cultural/regional things.  IME, showers (wedding or baby) tend to be pretty intimate events - no more than about 10 guests - so the GOH has plenty of opportunity to give a sincere personal thank-you to the giver.  Naturally, if an invitee could not attend but sent a gift, a TY note is required.  And if we're talking about an event with around 70 guests, it stands to reason that the GOH probably doesn't have much of a chance to give a personal thank-you to everyone, so again TY notes would be proper.

Around here TY notes aren't required for small birthday parties either - but if it's a milestone birthday with many guests they would be a good idea.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Vall on November 05, 2013, 01:57:02 PM
I agree that being required to fill out my own thank you note envelope is tacky but I love the idea of giving the GOH an address book.  That's such a great idea and would be very useful.

If I were the GOH and the host did the envelope thing, I'd be very embarrassed.  I'd probably take the envelopes and copy the information onto other envelopes for my thank you notes.  There's no way that I could send someone a thank you note in an envelope that they had addressed themselves.  I couldn't do it.

For the times that I've been asked at a shower to fill out an envelope, I have conveniently "forgotten".
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: GrammarNerd on November 05, 2013, 02:58:27 PM

For the times that I've been asked at a shower to fill out an envelope, I have conveniently "forgotten".

Did the GOH manage to address the envelope herself?  (Hopefully you still received a thank you note!)
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on November 05, 2013, 03:00:30 PM

For the times that I've been asked at a shower to fill out an envelope, I have conveniently "forgotten".

Did the GOH manage to address the envelope herself?  (Hopefully you still received a thank you note!)

I will say it was presented to us that either you fill out the envelope or you don't get a thank you note. Of course I feel the GOH in this case would still send a thank you. BFF took very detailed notes on who got gave what so that the giver could be appropriately thanked (I think there were at least 40 people there).
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: cattlekid on November 05, 2013, 03:11:54 PM
On the few occasions that I have been asked to fill out my own envelope for a TY note, I have demurred.  Either I have declined the offer of the envelope, or if the envelope was pressed on me and I couldn't politely decline, I "forgot" to return it.  No one (yet) has ever stood over me and watched me fill out the envelope. 

I also assumed that I would not receive a TY note in those situations. 
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Peregrine on November 05, 2013, 03:26:05 PM
To those people wondering how people are invited to showers/events without the host knowing the mailing address....it's because so much is now done via the internet or other forms of communication.

I'm in my mid thirties and when I started attending showers as an independent adult about 15ish years ago it was all done via paper snail mail.  Things have really changed within the last 5 years though!  I would say that 70% of the showers that I have attended in the last 5 or so years have been via email or e-vite.  Now I did receive written thank you's for all of the events I attended, a few we addressed our own envelopes, a few the hostess collected our addresses verbally and wrote them down in a notebook for the GOH, once I got a call after the fact asking for my address, a few were hand delivered through work, and I got one e-mail thank you with a picture of the babe wrapped in the receiving blanket I had made for him. 

I think this ends up happening so often because people just don't mail physical correspondence to each other any more.  It happens with phone numbers too.  I worked as a receptionist in a medical clinic for a time, and you wouldn't believe how many people had to look up their own phone number on their cell phone since they never call themselves.  When contact information is traded amongst my acquaintances these days, it's done by trading texts or downloading contact info via Facebook or other social networks.

While addressing your own thank you note is still considered tacky, I think it will probably be one of those etiquette faux pas that continues to happen with increasing frequency because of how communication technology changes.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Lynn2000 on November 05, 2013, 03:36:20 PM
Personally, I would be happy to receive a "TY note" in the same form that the original invitation was delivered (roughly). An email or phone call would be fine with me, provided it was individual and... "of sufficient length" sounds prissy, but I mean, more than literally just "Thank you!" the end. The same thing you would write in a decent TY note, but typed and sent electronically, or said to me over the phone or in person at a later date.

Maybe not a text, though. Actually I don't text much and only use it for very short things, so that's my main objection. If someone is able to fit the contents of a decent TY note into a text message, more power to them. It takes me 10 minutes just to type "C U l8r."

So, in my opinion, if people were contacted individually to be invited to an event, that same method of communication could be used for the TY after the fact. I realize not everyone feels that way, though. But, I just don't feel like that's a good excuse for not thanking someone, or making them do work to get a TY, except perhaps in some extreme situations. Someone managed to contact them to invite them; I think the same effort, if not more, should be expended to thank them.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Vall on November 05, 2013, 03:38:25 PM

For the times that I've been asked at a shower to fill out an envelope, I have conveniently "forgotten".

Did the GOH manage to address the envelope herself?  (Hopefully you still received a thank you note!)
No, but I wasn't surprised by not getting thank you notes.  I saw filling out the envelopes as the "price" for getting a thank you note.  I simply didn't want to pay that particular price.  I didn't (and wouldn't) make a scene about it.  I'm pretty good about procrastinating and then "forgetting" or saying that I need to visit the restroom then "forgetting".
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Mrs. Tilney on November 05, 2013, 03:50:03 PM
I have heard of this before, but of course it smacks of "I have an obligation to thank you but really don't want to put out the effort because I am so "busy""

I've run into this practice a few times, but it doesn't bother me, really. It doesn't take out the effort of writing a thank-you note; it just removes the effort of physically addressing an envelope.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: TurtleDove on November 05, 2013, 03:59:59 PM
I have heard of this before, but of course it smacks of "I have an obligation to thank you but really don't want to put out the effort because I am so "busy""

I've run into this practice a few times, but it doesn't bother me, really. It doesn't take out the effort of writing a thank-you note; it just removes the effort of physically addressing an envelope.

As an aside, I send thank you notes, but due to carpal tunnel my handwriting is nearly illegible after writing out a check let alone a proper thank you note and envelope.  Any reduction in the amount I would need to write would be welcome by the post office because they would be far more likely to be able to read the addresses!
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: TootsNYC on November 05, 2013, 04:11:03 PM
Personally, I would be happy to receive a "TY note" in the same form that the original invitation was delivered (roughly). An email or phone call would be fine with me, provided it was individual and... "of sufficient length" sounds prissy, but I mean, more than literally just "Thank you!" the end. The same thing you would write in a decent TY note, but typed and sent electronically, or said to me over the phone or in person at a later date.

Maybe not a text, though. Actually I don't text much and only use it for very short things, so that's my main objection. If someone is able to fit the contents of a decent TY note into a text message, more power to them. It takes me 10 minutes just to type "C U l8r."

So, in my opinion, if people were contacted individually to be invited to an event, that same method of communication could be used for the TY after the fact. I realize not everyone feels that way, though. But, I just don't feel like that's a good excuse for not thanking someone, or making them do work to get a TY, except perhaps in some extreme situations. Someone managed to contact them to invite them; I think the same effort, if not more, should be expended to thank them.

I feel the same way.

I'm not sure "official Etiquette" is ready to go along with us yet, though.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: MOM21SON on November 05, 2013, 04:39:25 PM
I was asked to address my own envelope at a baby shower once and I did.  Never received a thank you note at all.  The baby just turned 8.

No one else got a note either.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: *new*mommyagain36 on November 07, 2013, 01:30:40 PM
My Aunt tried this exactly once when she hosted a baby shower for one of her daughters.  There were many faux pas in that particular shower but I will stay on topic here.  My Mom, another Aunt and I grumbled a little while we filled ours out but I didn't think we made too much of a scene.  After said shower My Aunt called my Mom and asked why we three had been put out by this and Mom told her it felt rude to be addressing our own thank you notes.  Every shower after that (for 3 more Mom's-to-Be and assorted bridal showers) Aunt provided a guest book and asked everyone to sign.  I have to say I much preferred the signing of the guest book.  Aunt then provided completed guest book, pack of thank you notes and stamps to guest of honor.  She has given that gift many times to many of us over the years - even at showers she has not hosted. Most GOH seem to like it.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: kckgirl on November 07, 2013, 07:18:00 PM
I took an address book with me to a family reunion and passed it around. We had three members of the oldest generation, about 10-12 of the 21 cousins, and all of our children (very young to young adults) and grandchildren. It was a great way to get correct addresses. Everybody just wrote their information on the correct pages in the book. I think this would work for a big shower. For a smaller one, the hostess could ask each guest to confirm their correct address as they arrived and give the list to the GOH at the end.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: hannahmollysmom on November 08, 2013, 01:33:02 AM
I've been to showers where this has been requested and I still didn't receive a Thank You!
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: jaxsue on November 08, 2013, 10:26:44 AM
Oh, and then I thought of something else--sometimes people do this and then either don't know why they're doing it, or flake on it later--I went to a shower years ago where they did the envelopes and then TY notes were never sent.  ;D

Wow.  :o Now that is rude!
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: jaxsue on November 08, 2013, 10:30:52 AM
Someone in a PP mentioned that invitations are often done via text nowadays. That's true. Interestingly, however, the only times I've been asked to address the envelope for the GOH were in the pre-internet days. And, when I think about it, those showers were full of etiquette misfires!
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Yvaine on November 08, 2013, 10:36:55 AM
Speaking of etiquette misfires at showers, I've played the "do you have (random object) in your purse" game at several showers over the years and enjoyed it--it's always funny to see who turns out to have a flashlight or a shoe or whatever, and it sure beats mashing chocolate into a diaper. But a year or two ago, I heard that this game was actually supposed to get guests to open their purses as a hinthinthint to take out cash to give to the GOH. Is that the case in other people's experience? If so, how does it work? Do people just...go up and give her cash randomly? Does someone pass a hat? If anyone did give money as a result of this game in my presence, it was super subtle and I missed it. Or perhaps it's something that's done innocently by some people, and with an ulterior motive by others.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on November 08, 2013, 10:42:42 AM
Speaking of etiquette misfires at showers, I've played the "do you have (random object) in your purse" game at several showers over the years and enjoyed it--it's always funny to see who turns out to have a flashlight or a shoe or whatever, and it sure beats mashing chocolate into a diaper. But a year or two ago, I heard that this game was actually supposed to get guests to open their purses as a hinthinthint to take out cash to give to the GOH. Is that the case in other people's experience? If so, how does it work? Do people just...go up and give her cash randomly? Does someone pass a hat? If anyone did give money as a result of this game in my presence, it was super subtle and I missed it. Or perhaps it's something that's done innocently by some people, and with an ulterior motive by others.

We played a variation on this game, everyone one was given lists with associated points (like 1 point for a checkbook, 3 points for a USB drive), and then talleyed up their points. All the games were like this, very passive. Anyways, I don't believe anyone went up and gave GOH cash. That'd weird.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: TootsNYC on November 08, 2013, 10:47:32 AM
Speaking of etiquette misfires at showers, I've played the "do you have (random object) in your purse" game at several showers over the years and enjoyed it--it's always funny to see who turns out to have a flashlight or a shoe or whatever, and it sure beats mashing chocolate into a diaper. But a year or two ago, I heard that this game was actually supposed to get guests to open their purses as a hinthinthint to take out cash to give to the GOH. Is that the case in other people's experience? If so, how does it work? Do people just...go up and give her cash randomly? Does someone pass a hat? If anyone did give money as a result of this game in my presence, it was super subtle and I missed it. Or perhaps it's something that's done innocently by some people, and with an ulterior motive by others.

Never!

I don't even know how that would possibly work. "Oh, here's a twenty?"

I think the person who told you that was making stuff up.
Title: Re: Fill out your thank you envelope?
Post by: Lynn2000 on November 08, 2013, 11:21:07 AM
Unless the last item called out was a twenty dollar bill, and then the hostess segued into the wishing well or something...  :P