Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Dating => Topic started by: zyrs on November 11, 2013, 12:23:20 PM

Title: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: zyrs on November 11, 2013, 12:23:20 PM
Although this happened on facebook, and isn't really dating, per se, I thought it best fit here.  If this isn't the best thread for it, please feel free to move it moderators.

About a year ago, I got a message in the "other" folder on facebook.  It was from a woman purporting to be an 'old high school friend'.  I didn't recognize the name at all.  I had my profile unsearchable.  The message was a little weird, referencing an old song and discussing how she used to think about me when that song played.  it was kind of flirty and skeeved me out.  I never wrote this person back , because I didn't know them.

It turned out that this woman had been my younger brother's GF for a short while and has since changed both her first and last name, which is why I didn't recognize it.  When she contacted him, she didn't mention her old name so he had no idea who she was at first.  Then when she contacted me, she also didn't mention her old name at all.  She was able to send me a message because he doesn't have privacy settings on his friends list.

Fast forward to last month.  There was another message from her in my 'other' folder.  This time it mentioned her old name and also that she'd really like to get together and how she was always thinking about me while she was dating my brother...  I found it incredibly creepy.  It's been over 35 years and I only met her a couple times when they were dating all those years ago.

Thanks for sticking around until the end of the post.  Is it polite of me to keep ignoring these messages? 

Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: BarensMom on November 11, 2013, 12:24:49 PM
Just block her and be done with it. 
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: zyrs on November 11, 2013, 12:39:28 PM
Thank you.  I've been not doing that because I didn't know whether it would be polite.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Really? on November 11, 2013, 12:42:10 PM
Ciming in late but ditto to Barensmom.

If you wanted to respond with a "Please do not contact or I'm not interested" and then block her, you could do that also.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Outdoor Girl on November 11, 2013, 12:44:24 PM
She is essentially cyber stalking you.  Polite isn't really necessary.  Ignore and block.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: SamiHami on November 11, 2013, 12:46:01 PM
Sounds very creepy. I agree; block her.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: cwm on November 11, 2013, 02:05:41 PM
Block her and put her out of your mind.

It's not impolite to ignore people who are, in essence, harassing you. It would be impolite if you responded and went off on this woman on an angry tirade about how you didn't want to be disturbed, she wasn't your friend, leave you alone, etc. But it doesn't sound like that's the type of person you are. A simple block isn't rude at all.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: TootsNYC on November 11, 2013, 03:30:56 PM
In every form of etiquette, you get to decide who you will be in contact with. and given that you have no other connection to her, and therefore no onlooker to be made uncomfortable, go ahead and block her.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: GSNW on November 11, 2013, 08:16:13 PM
You COULD also say, "Thank you for the invitation but I'm not interested in getting together," which at least lets her know you're um... not interested.  And frankly, I agree that it's weird, so the response (even rejection) might just encourage her.

But if you're not comfortable responding at all, I don't think it's rude of you to just ignore it.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Raintree on November 12, 2013, 01:28:47 AM
I don't think you're required to respond at all. Block and ignore. It doesn't sound as though you've given her any indication you might be interested.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: cicero on November 12, 2013, 01:59:43 AM
absolutely block her and then don't give it another thought. she is being very creepy - and i'm sure she knows exactly what she is doing. it's not rude to not want to be in touch with her.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Winterlight on November 12, 2013, 07:50:07 AM
You do not "owe" her attention. Block and ignore.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on November 12, 2013, 08:37:10 AM
Ignoring is the way to go.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Twik on November 12, 2013, 08:39:24 AM
"Hi, remember me? I want you," is just not the way to refresh a friendship.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Harriet Jones on November 12, 2013, 09:06:46 AM
Blocking's definitely the way to go.  She'll probably notice that you've disappeared, but it's not as though Facebook says "Hahaha, someone's blocked you!"
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: DavidH on November 12, 2013, 02:22:45 PM
Two messages over a year doesn't seem like stalking, it's barely beyond casual contact.  You can hardly blame someone for sending a second message since she doesn't really know if you got the first.

I'm not a big fan of the simply block someone trying to be nice since it seems like someone introducing themselves to you at a party and you just looking blankly at them without saying anything.  It's just shy of saying hmmpf and walking away.

I'd send one message saying that you don't really remember her and are not interested in getting together.  If she sends another after that, then I'm all for blocking her. 
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Miss Unleaded on November 13, 2013, 01:56:46 AM
Two messages over a year doesn't seem like stalking, it's barely beyond casual contact.  You can hardly blame someone for sending a second message since she doesn't really know if you got the first.

I'm not a big fan of the simply block someone trying to be nice since it seems like someone introducing themselves to you at a party and you just looking blankly at them without saying anything.  It's just shy of saying hmmpf and walking away.

I'd send one message saying that you don't really remember her and are not interested in getting together.  If she sends another after that, then I'm all for blocking her.

Yes, I don't think this qualifies as cyber stalking as there are only two messages over such a long time.

However, the tone of those two messages is vaguely disturbing considering they haven't met in 35 years and weren't close back then either.

I also vote for block and ignore, but you could also send a brief message as DavidH indicated above, if you want to
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Twik on November 13, 2013, 07:19:37 AM
One message that says "I was pining for *you* while I was with your brother," would be enough to sound stalkerish after so many years, or at least like something that could be a signal of incipient obsession. It sounds rather unbalanced.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Waterlight on November 13, 2013, 11:13:17 PM
POD to the above.  I'd go with "Block and don't respond."  Do not engage the crazy.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Raintree on November 14, 2013, 02:13:11 AM
One message that says "I was pining for *you* while I was with your brother," would be enough to sound stalkerish after so many years, or at least like something that could be a signal of incipient obsession. It sounds rather unbalanced.

I agree. The OP can either respond "I'm not interested" or not respond at all (which sends the same message as "I'm not interested.") I don't think the ignore option is rude at all given that the content of the message is kind of creepy. She didn't even bother sending out feelers before launching into that kind of thing. Normal people wanting to get in touch with aquaintances from long ago at least start out with some version of "Hi, do you remember me from such-and-such a time? What are you up to these days?"
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: zyrs on November 14, 2013, 11:18:53 PM
Thank you all for your responses.  I decided not to send her a message and just blocked her.

I think the thing that bothered me the most out of the messages that she sent was that she had changed her first and last names to something very different and then didn't mention her old name at all when writing the first message.

You would think that if Carolyn Jones changed her name to Heidi LaRue and then wanted to get in touch with someone who only knew her as Carolyn Jones that she might mention that her old name was Carolyn Jones when contacting this "old friend" as Heidi LaRue.  That, coupled with the general tone of the messages, just gave me a weird feeling.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Winterlight on November 15, 2013, 08:14:13 AM
Yeah, that would send me running for the block button too. An apparent total stranger sending me messages like that? No, thanks.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: siamesecat2965 on November 18, 2013, 11:43:33 AM
I would have done the same thing. Ignored, and blocked. the fact she changed her name totally, and didn't mention who she was, as in, "I used to be known as so and so, but am now this and that" is a bit odd. I know when I've sent friend requests to people I haven't seen, say from HS or college, i always send a quick note wiht it, like hey, how are you, so happy to see you on FB, hope all is well, and let them decide if they want to accept or not.

I've also toyed with the idea of friending a couple of ex-BFs, but in the end, decided that while my only intention is to say hi, what's up, and catch up, as they both are married, it might come across the wrong way, so I've held off.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: veronaz on December 01, 2013, 05:09:02 PM
Ignore her, block her, and stop worrying about being polite to her.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Mikayla on December 03, 2013, 03:11:31 PM
"Hi, remember me? I want you," is just not the way to refresh a friendship.

Haha! 

I also agree with OP that the creepiest part of this was that she changed her first and last names, and then didn't bother explaining this when she wrote out of the blue.  That's like the beginning of a bad Lifetime TV movie.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: lollylegs on February 10, 2014, 06:03:02 PM
She is essentially cyber stalking you.  Polite isn't really necessary.  Ignore and block.

Two Facebook PMs sent a year apart is hardly cyber stalking. Let's not exaggerate. And I know from experience how easy it is to miss emails in the other folder so the woman might have sent another because she didn't think the OP received the first.

That said, OP, if you're getting a weird vibe from her (or even if you just don't feel like catching up - you don't need a reason) then you don't have to reply. I would continue to ignore rather than send back something saying you're not interested.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: Ceallach on February 10, 2014, 06:17:25 PM
She is essentially cyber stalking you.  Polite isn't really necessary.  Ignore and block.

Two Facebook PMs sent a year apart is hardly cyber stalking. Let's not exaggerate. And I know from experience how easy it is to miss emails in the other folder so the woman might have sent another because she didn't think the OP received the first.

That said, OP, if you're getting a weird vibe from her (or even if you just don't feel like catching up - you don't need a reason) then you don't have to reply. I would continue to ignore rather than send back something saying you're not interested.

The OP already updated back in November (3 months ago) confirming he had gone ahead and blocked her, it's a few posts up on this page.   
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person?
Post by: lollylegs on February 10, 2014, 06:21:19 PM
She is essentially cyber stalking you.  Polite isn't really necessary.  Ignore and block.

Two Facebook PMs sent a year apart is hardly cyber stalking. Let's not exaggerate. And I know from experience how easy it is to miss emails in the other folder so the woman might have sent another because she didn't think the OP received the first.

That said, OP, if you're getting a weird vibe from her (or even if you just don't feel like catching up - you don't need a reason) then you don't have to reply. I would continue to ignore rather than send back something saying you're not interested.

The OP already updated back in November (3 months ago) confirming he had gone ahead and blocked her, it's a few posts up on this page.

Whoops, I somehow missed the second pages of comments. Jolly good then.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: zyrs on June 20, 2014, 02:04:01 PM
An update:

I blocked her and thought no more about it until last week.  A completely different friend from the past had sent me two one word messages which went into the "other" message folder so I wrote back to them saying "Hi" and asked them how everything was doing.

All they sent me back was a picture of them standing with the woman who contacted me in the first post.  I've never been socially apt, so I have no idea what the picture is supposed to mean, but it was another "huh!" moment that made me glad I never contacted her back.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: Kiwichick on June 20, 2014, 02:09:39 PM
That's plain creepy!
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: magicdomino on June 20, 2014, 04:45:33 PM
Weird, especially since the first two messages were so short.  Could the woman have hijacked your old associate's Facebook account somehow?  I don't have a Facebook account, so don't know how it would work.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: Twik on June 20, 2014, 04:49:29 PM
Weird, especially since the first two messages were so short.  Could the woman have hijacked your old associate's Facebook account somehow?  I don't have a Facebook account, so don't know how it would work.

Yes, it sounds like it, or at least the woman has persuaded them to help contact the OP. Still creepy.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: Mergatroyd on June 20, 2014, 05:30:18 PM
Sounds like she made accounts in those names to see if she could contact OP..
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: JenJay on June 20, 2014, 06:40:49 PM
That's weird!! I'd just go ahead and block the new person, too. At worst it's her and at best it really is the new person but they're being creepy, too.  :-\
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: Another Sarah on June 23, 2014, 03:37:08 AM
I might be tempted to play dumb and message back something like "oh are you still friends with her? Weird thing, she messaged me a while ago - after 35 years of no contact - to tell me that she always wanted to hook up with me while she was dating my brother. Stalker or what?"
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: crella on June 23, 2014, 01:59:56 PM
That picture sounds like 'See? You know her!' from Person Number 2, on behalf of Person 1. It still seems like forcing the issue though. It was strange that she expected you to know who she was despite her first and last names being different.

They both sound a bit weird, and persistent. I think you're right to ignore them.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: Kiwichick on June 23, 2014, 02:56:05 PM
I might be tempted to play dumb and message back something like "oh are you still friends with her? Weird thing, she messaged me a while ago - after 35 years of no contact - to tell me that she always wanted to hook up with me while she was dating my brother. Stalker or what?"

This would be sooooo tempting.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: amylouky on June 23, 2014, 03:15:44 PM
I'd reply back to the "friend" with, "Thanks for the picture! Who is that you are with? I don't think I know her."

Then again, maybe not. She sounds a bit crazy.. maybe best not to engage.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: Ceallach on June 23, 2014, 06:44:52 PM
My guess is they are still friends and were talking about mutual former acquaintances, and she said she'd messaged OP and been blocked, so it was "Why don't you try sending a message from your account and see what happens?"  hence the very brief message.  They when they got a response they then sent the photo as sort of a "Ha! Gotcha!"   ::)

Silly and juvenile but based on the first messages from that person would make sense.   I'd ignore.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: Drunken Housewife on June 23, 2014, 08:50:55 PM
There is something off about this person.  You really should give absolutely no attention back.  Ignore, block, ignore, block...  It is not rude to not accept a facebook friend request from someone so distantly connected to you. 

I wouldn't encourage this person with any attention whatsoever.  You want them to just move on.  There is no benefit to responding, and any discouraging message would probably be broadcast far and wide amongst the old acquaintances of that era (I'm thinking that due to the strange picture thing).
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: MrTango on June 24, 2014, 08:02:41 AM
There is something off about this person.  You really should give absolutely no attention back.  Ignore, block, ignore, block...  It is not rude to not accept a facebook friend request from someone so distantly connected to you. 

I wouldn't encourage this person with any attention whatsoever.  You want them to just move on.  There is no benefit to responding, and any discouraging message would probably be broadcast far and wide amongst the old acquaintances of that era (I'm thinking that due to the strange picture thing).

I agree.  If they attempt to contact you through another account, block that account immediately without any response.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: Celany on June 24, 2014, 10:16:45 AM
There is something off about this person.  You really should give absolutely no attention back.  Ignore, block, ignore, block...  It is not rude to not accept a facebook friend request from someone so distantly connected to you. 

I wouldn't encourage this person with any attention whatsoever.  You want them to just move on.  There is no benefit to responding, and any discouraging message would probably be broadcast far and wide amongst the old acquaintances of that era (I'm thinking that due to the strange picture thing).

I agree.  If they attempt to contact you through another account, block that account immediately without any response.

POD. I would also be tempted to poke at it, but these things have a way of blowing up into crazy drama often enough that at this point I'd just block. And block anybody else who engages in this with her. No answers, just blocking. Don't give her anything else to "feed" on.
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: DavidH on June 24, 2014, 12:44:52 PM
It sounds like they've crossed the line into very odd at best.  I'd ignore it and not contact the other former friend at all. 
Title: Re: is it polite to continue ignoring this person? Update #28
Post by: Hollymom1229 on June 24, 2014, 01:12:16 PM
The contacting you through another friend after being blocked is creepy in the extreme.  I would block the friend that sent you the pictures as well.