Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: Bottlecaps on November 28, 2013, 06:50:17 PM

Title: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Bottlecaps on November 28, 2013, 06:50:17 PM
By chooses, I mean they have no other engagements lined up, they just simply don't want to go.

Our roommate, we'll call him Bob, was invited to come to our family Thanksgiving meal at my sister's house. He chose not to go because he said he doesn't like being around that many people. I do understand that, but my sister has a pretty strict policy on taking food home - you only get a plate sent home to you if you couldn't attend, meaning that you had no choice. If you have a choice to attend and you don't, then you don't get a plate. For example, she sent home plates of food to BIL's cousin because she had to work, and we brought home food to Uncle Chatterbox (yep, still using that nickname, LOL) because he had to work. If either of them had not had to work, they absolutely would have been there, but they didn't have a choice so Sister Bottlecaps was more than happy to let us bring food home for Uncle and to let BIL's aunt take food home for cousin.

I'm afraid Bob is kind of upset that no food was brought home for him, but I understand why my sister has this policy on taking food home. If she didn't, then everyone would be taking plate upon plate of food home for relatives and friends who were invited but just didn't want to come, and it would cut into the share of food that those who actually attend get. It's one thing to not be able to attend because of work or something else that takes precedent, but if you're available and just don't want to come, then that's your choice - but you don't get a to-go order either.

My question is: is it rude to refuse to send/take food home for someone who is free to go to an event, but chooses not to? Are they owed a doggy bag even though they were more than welcome to attend, free to attend, and simply didn't want to?

(More details in reply #37, as I didn't include some other details in this original post but as a few questions came up during the discussion, I thought they might be worth adding. :))
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: lady_disdain on November 28, 2013, 06:56:01 PM
No one is owed a doggy bag. An invitation can be accepted or not, but that is the limit.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: sammycat on November 28, 2013, 06:57:12 PM
My question is: is it rude to refuse to send/take food home for someone who is free to go to an event, but chooses not to? Are they owed a doggy bag even though they were more than welcome to attend, free to attend, and simply didn't want to?

No.

In this particular instance Bob is acting extremely entitled. If he wanted the food that badly, he knew where it was. If he chose not to go, then it's (his) tough luck, he missed out.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: VorFemme on November 28, 2013, 07:08:09 PM
I was wondering if this was a paid event (if they paid but didn't come - then they can have a plate since it was "paid for") - but it's a family event.

Slightly different situation...

I have to agree with your sister - if you were going to come but were prevented by work or illness - then you get a "doggie bag".  If you're too much of an introvert to show up and you are NOT a blood relative or SPOUSE to a blood relative (I can see spouses getting a bit more leeway than people who are only dating a blood relative) - it's a little trickier.

I think that your sister has a reasonable policy - anyone who could not come gets a plate made to be brought back to them.  Bob didn't want to come - the food is for those who showed up and leftovers are plated for those who were prevented from showing up.  But not for those who made the choice not to come.

Those who want the food but don't want to show up - don't get the benefits without being there.

Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Pen^2 on November 28, 2013, 07:11:10 PM
Bob seems to be confusing an invitation with an offer for free food. The invitation might be for an event where there will be food, but they are not the same thing. Even if they were, he declined, so he gets no food anyway. He's being rather entitled here. He is owed nothing more than what was in the invitation if and only if he had decided to accept. He did not accept and so is owed nothing.

There would be exceptions if he was an elderly grandparent who had intended to attend but had fallen ill recently, say, or something similar. He has no such excuse--he knowingly decided he didn't want what was offered.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Outdoor Girl on November 28, 2013, 07:14:14 PM
No one is owed a doggy bag, not even those who are unable to attend the event for unavoidable reasons, like working.  Is it nice to pack a meal for people who won't otherwise get one?  Absolutely.

It depends on how uncomfortable Bob would be.  If it was just that he'd prefer not to attend, I wouldn't have packed him a meal.  But if he is bordering on phobic about crowds and has the potential for panic attacks?  I'd have brought him a meal.

My Mom was a home care nurse.  She bonded with some of her long term patients.  There was one couple in particular.  She had very bad Parkinson's disease and wouldn't go to eat in other peoples' homes because she was embarrassed about spilling food everywhere or her husband feeding her, if the shaking got too bad.  So many a holiday, we took a meal into them after we'd eaten.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: gramma dishes on November 28, 2013, 07:25:24 PM
I think it was EXTREMELY generous for your sister to even invite your room-mate to a 'family' gathering at all.  How nice and inclusive that was for her to do!

Nope.  No soup for Bob. 

I might add that if Bob were actually a dog, and as such wasn't invited to the party, I'd be a little more generous in my attitude about the doggy bag.  Bob the Dog wouldn't have had the choice to be left home while his people were all out having a good time!   ;D
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Deetee on November 28, 2013, 07:33:32 PM
For a dinner party absolutely not. No way. Not a chance.

For Thanksgiving or Christmas? A holiday centered around sharing and thanksfullness and giving and family and friends?
I would send home an overloaded plate to anyone close enough to be invited but unwilling/unable to attend due to discomfort with crowds or adversion to my home furnishings.

I like to think that everyone, absolutely everyone gets a good meal twice a year.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Twik on November 28, 2013, 07:36:32 PM
You have to be willing to sing - or at least socialize - for your supper.

Bob's attitude seems to be, "I don't care to socialize with you, but you owe me food simply because you made the mistake of inviting me when I didn't want to go." Even if Bob has a legitimate phobia (which I suspect he doesn't), when you turn down a dinner invitation, it should be understood you have turned down dinner. "Doggie bags" are entirely up to the good wishes of the host, and if he doesn't care to establish a relationship with them, he should not expect the goodies.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on November 28, 2013, 07:40:54 PM
I typically will only send food along to someone if they'd planned to attend but then got sick last minute and thus were unable.  Ie if a kid wanted to attend a birthday party but then got sick the day of (happened to me a few times as a kid) I'd either send a piece of cake home with a sibling or bring over a piece later for them to enjoy when they're feeling better.

Or if an emergency came up (ie someone's relative suddenly got sick and they needed to stay home with them or take them to the ER? Sure, definitely they'd get a doggy bag.

But not coming because they don't feel like it? Sorry, no go.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: m2kbug on November 28, 2013, 07:43:51 PM
I don't think ANYONE, whether they have other obligations or not, should expect a plate of food from the Thanksgiving feast, and I'm curious how these take-home plates work in that they infringe on those that show up.  In my world, left-overs go home with people because they are left-overs and too much a-plenty for the host to use, and sure, let's send Antie Mary a portion of the feast, but never, never have I known anyone to plan portions for 20 in order to accommodate a plate for the 5 that have "legitimate" reasons for not being there in person.

No, Bob should not be expecting a plate of food. 

I think it would be rude to refuse to send left-overs with you on the premise that Bob might eat those left-overs. 

"Bring me home a plate" would be a tongue-in-cheek phrase and not something I would take seriously, nor that the person unable to attend the event would really mean it seriously.

Sister is under no obligation to cook for extra individuals who may not be able to attend.   It's a nice thing to put together a plate regardless of the reasons if she has the extra left-overs to do so.  No one should expect it or demand it.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: strawbabies on November 28, 2013, 07:44:55 PM
I think it's rather insulting that he refused to spend time around your family, but expected them to provide him with a meal.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Sharnita on November 28, 2013, 07:47:47 PM
I don't think she has to send food.  That being said,  she had enough for him and planned on his eating it so it doesn't seem like a big deal,  either.  Did she make less after learning he would not attend? 
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: sweetonsno on November 28, 2013, 08:15:38 PM
I must say that I'm rather amazed that your sister has had this kind of request so many times that she's had to enact a policy.

I'm a little bit on the fence. I certainly don't think anyone is entitled to a plate of food, but I'm picturing the kind of situation where the meal is served family-style and there's way more than everyone can eat. I guess I don't really see too much harm in bringing home some leftovers to share with the roommate, especially if, as Sharnita suggested, she made enough food to accommodate him if he had come.

Now, if your sister makes exactly enough for the people present (like, individual servings of poussin or something), then I definitely don't think she needs to plan another for someone who isn't coming. It's nice if they had to work or had some sort of emergency, but no obligation.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Deetee on November 28, 2013, 08:29:24 PM
I ran this one by my husband as well as I was curious that I was an outlier on this thread. I presented the scenario butnot my opinion.  He came up with the ssame response as me. Not cool for a dinner party but totally fine for Christmas or Thanksgiving. He said " If I can make this guy who can't handle crowds feel like he is part of the holiday that's great. That's what the holiday is about"

Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Roe on November 28, 2013, 09:18:45 PM
Bob is not owed a plate of food, even if it's Christmas or Thanksgiving.  The best part of Thanksgiving and Christmas are the leftovers and if someone didn't show up to the party because they didn't want to socialize with me, then they certainly wouldn't get a doggie bag.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Tea Drinker on November 28, 2013, 09:22:29 PM
This feels to me as though it's partly about how close people feel: most of us will extend ourselves further for the people we love than for the people they care about who we don't know well or feel much connection to, like a sibling's roommate. Policy aside, I suspect that if Bottlecaps had called the host two days beforehand and said something like "I'm really feeling wiped out from not having any time alone since Labor Day, if I beg off can you give my love to Mom?" her sister might still have sent a plate. Not that Bottlecaps would have been owed a doggy bag, since nobody is entitled to be sent a Thanksgiving dinner unless it's previously been offered/arranged, but her sister might have done so because she wanted to, out of affection even though her refrigerator isn't overflowing with leftover stuffing or cranberry relish.

Unless there's significant back story we don't have--say, Bob baked Bobttlecaps's sister a fancy cake for a party he couldn't attend--it's okay for him to be disappointed, but iffy to say more than "that sounds like a really nice dinner, I wish I'd been up to going" to the OP. (He's free to kvetch to his hypothetical cousin over the phone, as long as Bottlecaps and her family aren't going to hear about it; his doing that wouldn't create any sort of pressure or resentment.)
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Otterpop on November 28, 2013, 09:32:13 PM
The point of the meal is to enjoy it with friends and family.  If it were just "free food" Bob could go to the local pantry and get some.  No, he is not entitled to afterwards partake in a dinner he chose not to attend.  The nerve...
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Amara on November 28, 2013, 09:49:55 PM
You sister was generous with the invitation. Bob, on the other hand, was rude for expecting food. Nope, he doesn't get any, nor should he get any more invitations. And I doubt he will; your sister seems to have a nice shiny spine to go with that generous spirit.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: *inviteseller on November 28, 2013, 09:57:54 PM
So, a non relative gets a generous invite, decides he doesn't feel up to socializing with these people, but still wants a plate of food?  Entitled much?  As the cook of large holiday meals..I will feed any stray that needs a place to go on a holiday but I am not a takeout counter.  If you want take out service, go thru a drive thru.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: citadelle on November 28, 2013, 10:02:34 PM
I need to be sure I understand: you live with both Bob and Uncle Chatterbox. Both were invited to TG, but neither came, Uncle Chatterbox due to work and Bob because he didn 't want to. Leftovers were brought for Uncle Chatterbox, but not for Bob, and the difference was bc of the reasons they declined.

I don't think your sister was wrong or rude, but under the circumstances I can see where Bob may not understand why he did not get the same treatment as UC.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: FauxFoodist on November 28, 2013, 10:19:54 PM
No one is owed food to be brought home for any reason if unable to attend.  It's not rude of the hosts to make this decision.  It IS rude for the guest to expect it.  That aside, in my family and with DH and me, if the food should be available to provide guests with plates to take for whatever reason, they are welcome to it.  I know we've read in other threads about some things being expensive or hosts not expecting to give away the leftovers, but I circumvent the expense issue by not serving anything too expensive to share (the only time we did not was when we bought several live crab to cook and eat at my mother's house while we were in town for a visit -- there's no way we wouldn't have shared the leftovers as we were guests staying for free in her house).  In our own home, I wouldn't suggest serving something as expensive as crab or lobster or even shrimp to guests.  Otherwise, we've always welcomed our guests to bring home additional food if they wanted to.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Deetee on November 28, 2013, 10:53:43 PM
Bob is not owed a plate of food, even if it's Christmas or Thanksgiving.  The best part of Thanksgiving and Christmas are the leftovers and if someone didn't show up to the party because they didn't want to socialize with me, then they certainly wouldn't get a doggie bag.

I want to be clear that I don't think that he is "owed" anything at all. This isn't a commercial transaction. There is a good analogy there though. For a normal dinner party, the guests pay with their presence and scintillating conversation and the hosts pay with food and also scintillating conversation. For the sharing holidays, the party is more about sharing the festive season with people you care about (and in some ways perhaps people you may love, but not choose be with a lot of time...)


But if I care for someone enough to invite them for Thanksgiving, then I care enough that I want them to have a nice Thanksgiving and if that involves me sending home a tupperware of turkey I'm going to do it. With no questions. If I didn't care enough to invite them, then they don't get the turkey.

To me the distinction is that for a dinner party, I say :I want to enjoy your company. Please come for dinner.
For Thanksgiving/Christmas I say: I want you to have a nice holiday. Please come for dinner.

As for them mooching free food, I can worry about that the rest of the year. If they were a moocher or unpleasant, maybe they don't get an invite next year. But I am assuming that I have a reason to want this person for Thanksgiving and that means that I want them to enjoy it.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: GLaDOS on November 28, 2013, 11:51:57 PM
I feel like Sis' leftover policy is a manifestation of the invitee's intentions. If you can't be there physically, but you're there in spirit, she recognizes that wish with a plate of food, almost like saying 'we celebrated with you.' If you decline, you weren't, so she doesn't.

I think this is tricky, because it's unclear (and not something you can just ask) is if him not liking a crowd is the main reason or a convenient excuse. He turned down the invitation, however, and from the OP I got more "can't be bothered" than  "I wish I could, but social phobia."

Maybe it's just my own personal hang-ups, but  if someone declined a thanksgiving invitation, I'd assume they made other plans (Even if those plans are a marathon of Breaking Bad and takeaway). No hard feelings, but I'd personally feel like a line cook and taken for granted if I were expected to give them a plate of food I labored over while they couldn't be bothered to even tolerate my presence for a few hours.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Surianne on November 29, 2013, 12:03:05 AM
I need to be sure I understand: you live with both Bob and Uncle Chatterbox. Both were invited to TG, but neither came, Uncle Chatterbox due to work and Bob because he didn 't want to. Leftovers were brought for Uncle Chatterbox, but not for Bob, and the difference was bc of the reasons they declined.

I don't think your sister was wrong or rude, but under the circumstances I can see where Bob may not understand why he did not get the same treatment as UC.

I agree, it seems really odd to me to bring home leftovers to one person but not the other.  It's not a matter of who is "owed" the food, just that it seems petty not to include Bob if he's the only one at the house who declined the invitation due to anxiety.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: FauxFoodist on November 29, 2013, 12:32:38 AM
I need to be sure I understand: you live with both Bob and Uncle Chatterbox. Both were invited to TG, but neither came, Uncle Chatterbox due to work and Bob because he didn 't want to. Leftovers were brought for Uncle Chatterbox, but not for Bob, and the difference was bc of the reasons they declined.

I don't think your sister was wrong or rude, but under the circumstances I can see where Bob may not understand why he did not get the same treatment as UC.

I agree, it seems really odd to me to bring home leftovers to one person but not the other.  It's not a matter of who is "owed" the food, just that it seems petty not to include Bob if he's the only one at the house who declined the invitation due to anxiety.

I'd agree it was petty to not give him a plate of food also (given he's in the same house as another guest) but not rude.  I would hope Bob's issue with not receiving food doesn't make it back to Sister because I'm thinking then, next year, Bob won't be invited at all.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Bluenomi on November 29, 2013, 01:36:51 AM
I've never come across people getting a doggy bag from an event at someone's house. Sometimes people attending get to take home some leftovers, mostly so the host isn't stuck with them but I've never come across a full meal being sent home for someone.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: diesel_darlin on November 29, 2013, 02:26:28 AM
I'm kinda on the fence with this one. While I agree with the sentiment that if you don't want my company, you can't eat my food, our family has a Bob. My grandma fixes him a plate every year.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: sammycat on November 29, 2013, 02:49:20 AM
I've never come across people getting a doggy bag from an event at someone's house. Sometimes people attending get to take home some leftovers, mostly so the host isn't stuck with them but I've never come across a full meal being sent home for someone.

My experience too.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Teenyweeny on November 29, 2013, 05:18:07 AM
I'm coming to the conclusion that doggie bags are some ingrained part of American culture that people from the UK don't 'get'. Never in a million billion years would I expect anybody to be sent a plate/container of food from a party. I'd never expect to take leftovers home if I did attend.

I've never seen anybody take home leftovers, unless it's kids taking home slices of birthday cake, or sometimes my Grandma will give people cake to take home because she won't eat it before it goes stale.

But anything except cake? I've literally never ever seen that. Maybe it's because people don't tend to over-cook as much? I mean, there'll be plenty, and probably some leftovers, but not so much that the householders couldn't finish them before they went bad.

TL;DR: Bob shouldn't expect a doggie bag, because nobody should.

Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Pen^2 on November 29, 2013, 06:31:44 AM
I think it's worth pointing out that although it's certainly nice to offer someone a doggy bag, and it would be a nice gesture, even a person who attends is not owed anything of the sort. If the host wants to give them some delicious leftovers, that's lovely. But the host has no obligation to do so, and invited people are not owed anything beyond the meal itself and whatever else is put on the invitation. It's a nice thing to do, sure, but it's an additional extra kind thing the host can choose to do rather than something they ought to do. For example, the host ought to speak cordially to their guests. They do not have to offer to pay off their guests' mortgages, though. It'd be amazingly nice if the host did, of course, but the host has no obligation to do so. It's the host's choice. Silly example, I know, but I'm sure you get the point.

So yes, it might be nice to send him some leftovers. But he is not owed them at all. Nor are the guests, in fact.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: RubyCat on November 29, 2013, 07:14:56 AM
First off, I think Bob was rude to expect a plate.  I think Sister is right, though I probably would have caved in and then resented it later.

In my family, it is not uncommon to plate up a whole meal to send to someone who could not come because of illness or work. It is also not uncommon to make up plates out of leftovers, which may or may not make up whole meals for the older relatives who live alone because cooking for one can be difficult.  Even if we cook a large dinner for just the 2 of us, we'll sometimes make up an extra plate or 2 for them. That's just one way we take care of each other.

Other times, if we have extras of somebody's favorite, we'll pack that up and send it with them because it makes them happy and makes us feel good to be able to do it.

The one thing that is never done, is to come right out and ask for the leftovers because they are not yours and you do not know what the host plans to do with them. At our clambake last summer, we also put a few really good steaks on the grill. One of the relatives asked what I was going to do with the leftovers and I told her I was going to eat them (which I was). I guess I could've sent her home with one and had fewer leftovers for dh and I to eat but I was a bit put off by it, to be honest.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: lady_disdain on November 29, 2013, 07:18:59 AM
I'm coming to the conclusion that doggie bags are some ingrained part of American culture that people from the UK don't 'get'. Never in a million billion years would I expect anybody to be sent a plate/container of food from a party. I'd never expect to take leftovers home if I did attend.

I've never seen anybody take home leftovers, unless it's kids taking home slices of birthday cake, or sometimes my Grandma will give people cake to take home because she won't eat it before it goes stale.

But anything except cake? I've literally never ever seen that. Maybe it's because people don't tend to over-cook as much? I mean, there'll be plenty, and probably some leftovers, but not so much that the householders couldn't finish them before they went bad.

TL;DR: Bob shouldn't expect a doggie bag, because nobody should.

Yup! I am always interested in how cultural differences pop up in food related topicc.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Twik on November 29, 2013, 07:20:47 AM
I would hope Bob's issue with not receiving food doesn't make it back to Sister because I'm thinking then, next year, Bob won't be invited at all.

Actually, I'd suspect Bob has sent a message "I'm not interested in socializing with you," so he may not be invited in any case.

Bob has to learn that establishing a social circle involves making an effort.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Hmmmmm on November 29, 2013, 07:44:56 AM
I don't think Bob is required to receive one. But I find the rule odd for a Thanksgiving meal. It isn't a normal meal. It's specific food most eat once a year. So if I have the opportunity to share that with someone who doesn't have the ability to attend then I will. Even if it's because they weren't comfortable "crashing" my family event.

And I wouldn't have felt comfortable bringing home a plate for one roommate but not the other if neither attended a Thanksgiving celebration.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Winterlight on November 29, 2013, 08:03:34 AM
I feel like Sis' leftover policy is a manifestation of the invitee's intentions. If you can't be there physically, but you're there in spirit, she recognizes that wish with a plate of food, almost like saying 'we celebrated with you.' If you decline, you weren't, so she doesn't.

I think this is tricky, because it's unclear (and not something you can just ask) is if him not liking a crowd is the main reason or a convenient excuse. He turned down the invitation, however, and from the OP I got more "can't be bothered" than  "I wish I could, but social phobia."

Maybe it's just my own personal hang-ups, but  if someone declined a thanksgiving invitation, I'd assume they made other plans (Even if those plans are a marathon of Breaking Bad and takeaway). No hard feelings, but I'd personally feel like a line cook and taken for granted if I were expected to give them a plate of food I labored over while they couldn't be bothered to even tolerate my presence for a few hours.

This is how it comes across to me, too.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Kari on November 29, 2013, 08:20:37 AM
It's the host's perogative to send doggy bags home with guests. Bob is certainly acting entitled to something he chose to blow off.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Bottlecaps on November 29, 2013, 08:28:57 AM
I realize that in my effort to quickly type up this post, I left out a few things that may bring a little more light into the situation. :)

1) Uncle Chatterbox had to work, and therefore couldn't attend even though he wanted to do so. Knowing this, he still bought the ingredients for the broccoli-cheese casserole that our part of the family takes to the gathering every year and helped me make it. He knew he didn't have to do this, as I would have been more than happy to have bought the stuff, but still did it. He contributed the money for the casserole, I contributed (most of) the time. Basically, he still contributed to the meal even though he wasn't going to be able to be present. I have a feeling that this was also a big reason Sis sent food home for him.

2) Bob is a class-A, absolutely shameless moocher. He will ask anyone for anything if he thinks he can get it or thinks he's entitled to it. He wastes his money then bums our cigarettes, or outright steals them. He contributes the least toward the bills (due to the fact that he makes the least money in the household), but complains that we don't have a bigger place, better things, etc. He'll make a mess, eat off the dishes, leave his trash on the end table next to the couch, but hell will freeze over before Bob will do a dish or help pick up the house. He's constantly bumming money from people, even my uncle, who doesn't make much more than he does! In fact, when we informed him that Sis and BIL had invited him and that he was more than welcome to come with us, the first words out of his mouth were - get ready for it - "Hell yeah, free food!" And I don't think he was saying it in a joking way, knowing his ways of being a moocher. The only reason we haven't kicked him out yet is that he has no family up here and not many friends, and I couldn't just kick someone out on the street like that. Sis knows how he tends to take advantage of Mr. Bottlecaps and myself, and she still invited him to our family gathering. As PPs have said, I think it was a hurtful message to Sis and BIL, basically saying, "I don't want to spend time with you guys." Sis and BIL know that Bob has no family up here, as he's originally from Alabama (he is Mr. Bottlecaps' brother's girlfriend's brother - confusing much? LOL), so they were trying to be nice and include him, and I know it hurt their feelings, even if they didn't say, that he didn't come just because he didn't want to.

3) Bob claims to have severe social anxiety/agoraphobia. I say "claims" because, while I'm not a doctor, he only seems to point it out when it's convenient for him. He has no problems going to the bar on our dime (we actually had to put a rather abrupt stop to that - he was doubling our bar tab every weekend and very rarely contributed toward it, so eventually we had to tell him that if he didn't have the money to pay his own way, then he couldn't go with us). He has no problems going to parties where there will be free beer and food. But at work, he says he can't go to the dining room and help bus tables when it's super busy, because of his anxiety, but still expects us waitresses to tip him out. He couldn't go to our family dinner because he didn't want to be around people he didn't know, but expected food to be brought home to him.

Overall, Bob is a horrible roommate and Sis knows this, as she's listened to me talk about it before because it does cause a great deal of stress for Mr. Bottlecaps and I. We let him come up here with Mr. Bottlecaps (with me paying for his bus ticket) because we wanted to give him a second chance, as most people deserve one, and now it's all worn out. He's made up excuses not to do everything he said he was going to do up here (get his GED, get a decent job, help us out around the house). Sis knows I'm just counting the days till he leaves to go back to Alabama, and despite all that, she still invited him to join us. Although I felt kind of bad telling him (when I saw him trying to dig into Uncle's plates, as Uncle wasn't home from work yet), "Sis sent that food home for Uncle since he wanted to be there but couldn't and still helped me with the casserole," I didn't disagree with her decision in the slightest. If it had been left up to me, I would have brought him home food but resented it later as a PP had said, but it was my sister's house, mostly my sister's food and it was her decision based on past experiences of people not wanting to be there but still expecting food.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Daydream on November 29, 2013, 08:35:15 AM
*The OP posted again just as I was about to.  I see now that there is a lot more to consider when it comes to Bob.  I'll go ahead and leave my post though, just as some thoughts for people who find doggy bags strange in general.  :)*

I don't think Bob is required to receive one. But I find the rule odd for a Thanksgiving meal. It isn't a normal meal. It's specific food most eat once a year. So if I have the opportunity to share that with someone who doesn't have the ability to attend then I will. Even if it's because they weren't comfortable "crashing" my family event.

And I wouldn't have felt comfortable bringing home a plate for one roommate but not the other if neither attended a Thanksgiving celebration.


I like your wording here because it's possible Bob did feel that he would have been "crashing" a family event.  Dining with a crowd of people you know and love (who know and love you) versus attending someone else's family event as a "stray" (as another poster put it and I think it's a perfect word because an "outsider" might feel like that) is a big difference for some people. 

I don't interpret "I'm afraid Bob is kind of upset that no food was brought home for him" as him being rude or entitled.  (I went back and read the entire post again after seeing those words used, but still don't think so).

I think that would apply if he was sitting at home the whole time the OP was out thinking, "OP better bring some food home for me!"

But, based only on what the OP has written, it seems what might have happened is that Bob saw that the OP bought food home for Uncle, who also did not attend the dinner, but not for him.  Granted, the difference between the two is the sister's policy of only allowing guests to leave with food for housemates who couldn't attend because of work.  But while *we* know about that distinction, Bob probably did not until it was explained to him (if it was).

What I find most interesting about this situation is any distinction being made as to who can eat the leftovers once they leave one's house, or that they would just be limited to one plate of food prepared by the host that is only enough for one person. 

In my family, most adults contribute at least one dish to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner.  There is a lot of food leftover.  If you take some home, you dish them up yourself and take what you want.  Once they are in your possession, it's up to you who eats them. 

Even for a family birthday party I threw where I supplied all the food myself, since I made sure to provide more than enough, some of the guests took food home.

I'm not aware of any of my relatives having a roommate, but if they did and that's who shared in the food, so be it.  As the host, I would never know who ate what.

Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: TootsNYC on November 29, 2013, 08:44:33 AM
I must say that I'm rather amazed that your sister has had this kind of request so many times that she's had to enact a policy.

Yeah, I had that same thought.

I don't see the plate of food as a doggy bag. I see it as a gift to her own relative. "Dude, she didn't send you a gift because you're not her family. She invited you to dinner and you didn't go--that was your chance at the free food."

But I also think it's really awkward to bring home food for one person and not the other when you all live in the same household.

However, given Bob, I'd have no qualms about letting him feel the sting of not being included in the aftermath food. And I'd be casting it very much as "your chance at the free food." And I wouldn't worry in the tiniest little bit about his feelings.
    Because I'd want to create as much motivation as possible for him to leave.

And I'd be buying him a dingdangity bus ticket back to Alabama!



Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Bottlecaps on November 29, 2013, 09:01:07 AM

However, given Bob, I'd have no qualms about letting him feel the sting of not being included in the aftermath food. And I'd be casting it very much as "your chance at the free food." And I wouldn't worry in the tiniest little bit about his feelings.
    Because I'd want to create as much motivation as possible for him to leave.

And I'd be buying him a dingdangity bus ticket back to Alabama!

He leaves on the 16th!  :D Mr. Bottlecaps and I were thisclose to just buying his ticket to get him out of here when Bob got his brother to buy one for him. Only seventeen more days! *Happy Dance* LOL.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: shhh its me on November 29, 2013, 09:06:13 AM
I'm coming to the conclusion that doggie bags are some ingrained part of American culture that people from the UK don't 'get'. Never in a million billion years would I expect anybody to be sent a plate/container of food from a party. I'd never expect to take leftovers home if I did attend.

I've never seen anybody take home leftovers, unless it's kids taking home slices of birthday cake, or sometimes my Grandma will give people cake to take home because she won't eat it before it goes stale.

But anything except cake? I've literally never ever seen that. Maybe it's because people don't tend to over-cook as much? I mean, there'll be plenty, and probably some leftovers, but not so much that the householders couldn't finish them before they went bad.

TL;DR: Bob shouldn't expect a doggie bag, because nobody should.

Yup! I am always interested in how cultural differences pop up in food related topicc.

One of the funniest conversations I've had was trying to explain the concept of left over chilli to someone in the UK.  We both got very confused when rice was mentioned. 

No one is owed a doggie bag.  Your sister's rule is fair but I can see how it would be awkward to explain to Bob.

Since you seem to be in a mentoring position with Bob I think you can tell him exactly why " You turned down the invitation.  IF you don't want to socialize with people its moochy to expect them to feed you."
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: TootsNYC on November 29, 2013, 09:21:13 AM
Teenyweeny--in my U.S. experience, normally when people come for a dinner party, or to a big fancy social event, they don't take home a doggy bag.

Thanksgiving is different, because the gathering involves many more people, usually. And I can tell you, from yesterday's experience, it can be hard to tell how much food you need for 14 people. And often there are more dishes on the table, and therefore you end up with quite a bit more food than everyone can eat. Plus, turkeys tend to be big with lots of leftovers. So, lots more leftovers than normal.

I think for a great many people, there is an expectation of taking home leftovers from Thanksgiving especially. And to a slightly lesser degree from any big family gathering.

The expectation of leftovers rises a lot when "guests" (they're not always guests at Thanksgiving--they're family members attending a family event) contribute parts of the meal.

I personally never use the word "doggy bag" for anything but the contents of my own plate at a restaurant. Otherwise, we say, "would you like to take some food home?"
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Teenyweeny on November 29, 2013, 09:30:56 AM
Teenyweeny--in my U.S. experience, normally when people come for a dinner party, or to a big fancy social event, they don't take home a doggy bag.

Thanksgiving is different, because the gathering involves many more people, usually. And I can tell you, from yesterday's experience, it can be hard to tell how much food you need for 14 people. And often there are more dishes on the table, and therefore you end up with quite a bit more food than everyone can eat. Plus, turkeys tend to be big with lots of leftovers. So, lots more leftovers than normal.

I think for a great many people, there is an expectation of taking home leftovers from Thanksgiving especially. And to a slightly lesser degree from any big family gathering.

The expectation of leftovers rises a lot when "guests" (they're not always guests at Thanksgiving--they're family members attending a family event) contribute parts of the meal.

I personally never use the word "doggy bag" for anything but the contents of my own plate at a restaurant. Otherwise, we say, "would you like to take some food home?"

Well, I guessed it would happen less at fancy parties, becauae there's a certain level of formality there. I come from a large family, where it's not unusual to have 15-20 people at a regular family gathering. Still, nobody takes home leftovers (except sometime cake). This appears to be true for every family that I know.

Like I say, I think (and I think this is borne out by other food/hosting threads), in the US, the cardinal sin of hosting seems to be not providing enough food for everybody to have as much as they could possibly want. I should imagine that this inevitably lead to large amounts of leftovers, especially for larger groups.

In most families I know, there will be enough for everybody to get a good meal (i.e. nobody leaves hungry), but it's a rare host that provides enough food for everybody to (potentially) be fit to burst. This means that there may be enough leftovers for the hosts to eat for a day or two, but certainly not so much that it would spoil if it wasn't given away.

In addition, it's rare for UK dinners to be potluck-style. I've never heard of (or attended) one in real life, so all of the food is provided by the hosts, and it's theirs to keep (guests typically, but not always, bring wine). I'd imagine that this affects the dynamic as well.

Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: camlan on November 29, 2013, 10:47:49 AM

Well, I guessed it would happen less at fancy parties, becauae there's a certain level of formality there. I come from a large family, where it's not unusual to have 15-20 people at a regular family gathering. Still, nobody takes home leftovers (except sometime cake). This appears to be true for every family that I know.

Like I say, I think (and I think this is borne out by other food/hosting threads), in the US, the cardinal sin of hosting seems to be not providing enough food for everybody to have as much as they could possibly want. I should imagine that this inevitably lead to large amounts of leftovers, especially for larger groups.

In most families I know, there will be enough for everybody to get a good meal (i.e. nobody leaves hungry), but it's a rare host that provides enough food for everybody to (potentially) be fit to burst. This means that there may be enough leftovers for the hosts to eat for a day or two, but certainly not so much that it would spoil if it wasn't given away.

In addition, it's rare for UK dinners to be potluck-style. I've never heard of (or attended) one in real life, so all of the food is provided by the hosts, and it's theirs to keep (guests typically, but not always, bring wine). I'd imagine that this affects the dynamic as well.

In many families, this is a key component of Thanksgiving. There's food, and there's a lot of it. Basically, the holiday revolves around the meal. It started as a celebration of a good harvest after a dreadful winter and their first summer farming in the New World. So having an abundance of food is crucial.

Another key component of Thanksgiving is the leftovers. The turkey sandwiches. Slices of turkey warmed up in the gravy, served with the leftover stuffing and mashed potatoes. Many families eat the turkey leftovers for the next three or four days. It's part of the tradition.

So if family members don't live in the house where the turkey was cooked, giving them some of the leftovers as they leave is a way of keeping the whole "turkey sandwiches for the next five days" tradition going. It's not really Thanksgiving if you just have the one turkey dinner. You need leftover turkey for the rest of the long weekend, and mashed potatoes and stuffing.

I wouldn't expect to take home leftovers at any other meal served to me at someone's house (except Christmas, where my family has pretty much the same menu as for Thanksgiving).

I can see how this would seem odd to someone not used to US Thanksgiving. But "making a plate" to take home is pretty traditional for a lot of people.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: jaxsue on November 29, 2013, 12:04:55 PM
I'm coming to the conclusion that doggie bags are some ingrained part of American culture that people from the UK don't 'get'. Never in a million billion years would I expect anybody to be sent a plate/container of food from a party. I'd never expect to take leftovers home if I did attend.

I've never seen anybody take home leftovers, unless it's kids taking home slices of birthday cake, or sometimes my Grandma will give people cake to take home because she won't eat it before it goes stale.

But anything except cake? I've literally never ever seen that. Maybe it's because people don't tend to over-cook as much? I mean, there'll be plenty, and probably some leftovers, but not so much that the householders couldn't finish them before they went bad.

TL;DR: Bob shouldn't expect a doggie bag, because nobody should.

It's not a universal American thing. When I was married, my X-DH's family did do the doggy bag thing, but in my current group of friends who always get together for Thanksgiving it's not done. So, it depends on the situation. As a host, I would think it odd if someone requested a doggy bag up front; it's happened a couple of times in 30+ years of entertaining.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Free Range Hippy Chick on November 29, 2013, 12:06:56 PM


In most families I know, there will be enough for everybody to get a good meal (i.e. nobody leaves hungry), but it's a rare host that provides enough food for everybody to (potentially) be fit to burst.

Ulsterwoman here - nope, in my part of the world it's a poor host who doesn't feed everybody to the point at which they whimper and beg not to have to eat any more.

But with that as a given, we don't do 'sending plates', we don't do doggy bags as a matter of course, although obviously there are exceptions - at Christmas I'll send a plastic container of turkey and ham away with my SMIL so that they get at least one lot of sandwiches, because she doesn't do a Christmas meal at all now in her own home. With that as a given, she would never ask; she would view that as a social clanger of massive proportions.

I think Teenyweeny's right in general, though. We in the UK do not get this as a concept. If you don't finish your meal in a UK restaurant, you don't ask to have the remainder boxed to take away. If you want takeaway, you go to a takeaway restaurant; if you've gone to a sit-down restaurant, you sit down and eat and you don't expect to take away what you haven't finished. Some places will do it for you but most don't and we don't ask. I would never expect to be sent a complete meal, or even part of one, whether I had missed the gathering through necessity or lack of interest. The only exception, as mentioned before, is birthday cake, which might be sent over for a sick child or the like.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: MissRose on November 29, 2013, 12:14:58 PM
No, he is not entitled to a doggy bag.  In my family, if someone that normally comes for either Easter, Thanksgiving or Xmas cannot make it due to having to work or being sick, then a plate will be made for them for pickup (or a few people will get my dad to bring it to them instead) within a few days of the event. 
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: perpetua on November 29, 2013, 12:15:33 PM
I think Teenyweeny's right in general, though. We in the UK do not get this as a concept. If you don't finish your meal in a UK restaurant, you don't ask to have the remainder boxed to take away. If you want takeaway, you go to a takeaway restaurant; if you've gone to a sit-down restaurant, you sit down and eat and you don't expect to take away what you haven't finished. Some places will do it for you but most don't and we don't ask.

The exception to that - at least in my part of the world - is the restaurant that also does takeaway. I wouldn't feel bad about asking to take home what I couldn't finish in the local Indian, because they have takeaway boxes on hand. I've done that on a couple of occasions (although generally our restaurant portions aren't that large that we need to). I wouldn't go to somewhere like Cafe Rouge though and ask to take home half a steak - I'd generally order what I was hungry enough to eat.

The turkey sandwiches all week afterwards thing - very similar to our Christmas dinners. Turkey sandwiches, cold cuts, turkey curry for days afterwards - days and days and *days*, until you never want to see a piece of turkey again as long as you live.

Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: CrazyDaffodilLady on November 29, 2013, 12:19:56 PM
My big problem with bringing Bob a plate is that I am strongly opposed to rewarding bad behavior. 

Also, it sounds like Bob didn't interact with the hostess at all.  It isn't the responsibility of his roommates to make requests on his behalf when they are guests at the event. 

I thought these things before I read Bottlecaps' update.  Now my opinions are doubled.  What a jerk.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: peaches on November 29, 2013, 01:54:20 PM
In addition, it's rare for UK dinners to be potluck-style. I've never heard of (or attended) one in real life, so all of the food is provided by the hosts, and it's theirs to keep (guests typically, but not always, bring wine).

I think I'd like to move there.

Where I live, they have become ubiquitous.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: MrTango on November 29, 2013, 02:14:01 PM
I don't think anyone is owed a doggy bag ever, regardless of their reason for not attending.

When I'm hosting, no one gets to take a plate for someone who isn't there until everyone's had their fill and the cleanup is all but finished at the end of the party.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: #borecore on November 29, 2013, 03:43:08 PM
No one is owed a doggy bag. It's unfortunate that the OP's sister feels a need to set up a leftovers policy at all, IMO.

(For posters outside the US: I've lived in several places and never actually called it a "doggy bag." I call it 'leftovers,' and that's pretty much all.)

We went to a big meal yesterday and brought a pie and quinoa salad, but since dinner was about 4 hours later than we were expecting and we showed up an hour early due to some unpredictably smooth traffic, I ended up making a pumpkin pie while there, helping with 3 other vegetable sides, and 'making' the tofurky and veg gravy, too. Lots of work, but well worth it.

We were sent home with half a pie, half of our leftover salad (hostess took a container of her own), plus most of the leftover tofurky (2 vegetarians here vs. 1 in the hosts' home) and a dollop of mashed potatoes. Oh, and some cheese the hosts bought for before the meal and didn't like.
This is all in line with what we were expecting. If it had been my mom's house, we'd probably have been sent with some cookies and rolls and vegetables and cranberries, too, but she's very generous.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: FauxFoodist on November 29, 2013, 06:24:21 PM
I'm in the US, and, actually, I've never known anyone to refer bringing food from other than a restaurant as a "doggy bag" (and, even then, we typically don't).

In light of the OP's additional information, I see no problem with how Sister handled the situation nor do I think it was petty (Uncle contributed to the meal for goodness' sake!).
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: gramma dishes on November 29, 2013, 07:06:38 PM
I'm in the US, and, actually, I've never known anyone to refer bringing food from other than a restaurant as a "doggy bag" (and, even then, we typically don't).   ...

The restaurants around here ask "Would you like me to wrap this?"  It's just referred to as "this".   ;D

I have also heard (in restaurants) "Would you like your food boxed to take home?'.   But I honestly haven't heard it referred to as a doggie bag for probably forty years! 

For guests who were unable to attend:  "Would you like to take home some food for Ailing Alice?"
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: rose red on November 29, 2013, 07:28:12 PM
I'm in the US, and, actually, I've never known anyone to refer bringing food from other than a restaurant as a "doggy bag" (and, even then, we typically don't).   ...

The restaurants around here ask "Would you like me to wrap this?"  It's just referred to as "this".   ;D

I have also heard (in restaurants) "Would you like your food boxed to take home?'.   But I honestly haven't heard it referred to as a doggie bag for probably forty years! 

Several threads recently talk about doggie bags and I found it funny.  I, too, haven't heard that term used in real life for decades.

I don't think the guy was owed a meal either.  If you don't come "just because," then you provide your own meal.  His attitude is insulting.  I don't care if you don't want to hang out, but you don't get to mooch food after that.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Mergatroyd on November 29, 2013, 10:08:10 PM
I'm in the US, and, actually, I've never known anyone to refer bringing food from other than a restaurant as a "doggy bag" (and, even then, we typically don't).   ...

The restaurants around here ask "Would you like me to wrap this?"  It's just referred to as "this".   ;D

I have also heard (in restaurants) "Would you like your food boxed to take home?'.   But I honestly haven't heard it referred to as a doggie bag for probably forty years! 

Several threads recently talk about doggie bags and I found it funny.  I, too, haven't heard that term used in real life for decades.

I don't think the guy was owed a meal either.  If you don't come "just because," then you provide your own meal.  His attitude is insulting.  I don't care if you don't want to hang out, but you don't get to mooch food after that.

Parking my POD here.

I feed my guests till they can't eat anymore, and then I keep the rest. After cooking all that, any leftovers are eaten the next day, so I don't have to cook! It's just always been that way. Like a few other posters, We just don't do doggie bags here I guess.  (And I'm totally puzzled about the rice and chilli comment, can someone explain that to me?)

If someone did contribute a dish and was not able to stay to eat for whatever reason, I might return the clean dish with some leftovers in it, if there is enough to do so. I say might, because it has never happened before to me, and probably won't. I generally don't ask guests to bring food.  (I'd likely not be able to eat it due to Celiacs, and wouldn't want to ask them to bring something and then refuse to eat it. )
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: sammycat on November 29, 2013, 11:10:20 PM
My big problem with bringing Bob a plate is that I am strongly opposed to rewarding bad behavior. 

Also, it sounds like Bob didn't interact with the hostess at all.  It isn't the responsibility of his roommates to make requests on his behalf when they are guests at the event. 

I thought these things before I read Bottlecaps' update.  Now my opinions are doubled.  What a jerk.

POD!
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: zyrs on November 29, 2013, 11:26:50 PM
With your update - no, I don't think Bob should have gotten a Doggy Bag.

Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: kckgirl on November 30, 2013, 12:43:42 PM
The turkey sandwiches all week afterwards thing - very similar to our Christmas dinners. Turkey sandwiches, cold cuts, turkey curry for days afterwards - days and days and *days*, until you never want to see a piece of turkey again as long as you live.

Or until next year... ;)
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: perpetua on November 30, 2013, 12:52:29 PM
The turkey sandwiches all week afterwards thing - very similar to our Christmas dinners. Turkey sandwiches, cold cuts, turkey curry for days afterwards - days and days and *days*, until you never want to see a piece of turkey again as long as you live.

Or until next year... ;)

Ha, yes! Somehow we forget the horror of week old, dried up turkey in a sandwich by about November and start looking forward to it all over again.

Perhaps it's a bit like childbirth, when your brain makes you forget the pain or you'd never do it again...
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Deetee on November 30, 2013, 03:28:45 PM
With the update on bobs general personality, I'd be less inclined to send him a plate. I was imagining making an allowance for an introvert who couldn't handle crowds, not a mooching moocherface who can handle crowds just fine when it suits him.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: lakey on November 30, 2013, 09:19:39 PM
Actually no one is entitled to have food sent home for them, not even people who can't come for good reasons. It is very nice that the hostess sends a doggie bag home for the ones who have to work, but she doesn't even have to do that.
If the roommate doesn't like going to social events that's fine. Next time make sure he has the number for a good take-out place.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: sunnygirl on December 04, 2013, 01:05:00 AM
Does Bob actually know the sister who is throwing the party? Have they ever even met? From the OP's update it doesn't sound like there is any relationship there, other than the sister hearing the OP talk about what a moocher he is.

If a roommate of mine was given a food parcel or any kind of gift by an immediate family member, it would never even occur to me to be upset that they didn't give me - a total stranger to them - the same gift also. I just find that attitude utterly bizarre.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: Mel the Redcap on December 04, 2013, 04:44:59 AM
Short answer to the titular question:

No.

Longer answer, bearing in mind all the details given about Bob:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *choke*gasp*wheeze* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahaaaaaa… No. >:D
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: 123sandy on December 04, 2013, 04:54:49 AM
No one is owed or entitled to a doggy bag but personally I would have felt awful walking in with a plate for one person and nothing for the other, and it would have spoiled my enjoyment of the meal if I was the one eating it. I think, in this case, it was petty to leave Bob out.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: petal on December 04, 2013, 08:45:23 AM
In my opinion, if Bob decided he didnt want to spend time on Thanksgiving with people who had invited him out of kindness and friendship then he certainly wasnt entitled to anything.

no one owed him a single thing and it wasnt even close to being petty not to bring a doggy bag home for someone who didnt want to be in your company.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: sammycat on December 04, 2013, 09:52:53 PM
In my opinion, if Bob decided he didnt want to spend time on Thanksgiving with people who had invited him out of kindness and friendship then he certainly wasnt entitled to anything.

no one owed him a single thing and it wasnt even close to being petty not to bring a doggy bag home for someone who didnt want to be in your company.

My opinion too.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: blarg314 on December 05, 2013, 08:41:30 PM

I think Teenyweeny's right in general, though. We in the UK do not get this as a concept. If you don't finish your meal in a UK restaurant, you don't ask to have the remainder boxed to take away.

I think part of the issue is typical American restaurant portion sizes - it's frequently difficult to order a meal that you can physically finish in one sitting, let alone  enjoy a meal with an appetizer and/or dessert. If I'm out for dinner with friends, and feel like actually ordering a main course rather than just a salad (and maybe even enjoying an appetizer, or piece of cake after the meal), I'll do so with the plan to have half my food boxed up for a meal the next day. Otherwise, I'm stuck eating nothing but appetizers or salads and never a main, or throwing away half the food I order.

In the OP's situation - I could see sending leftovers home from a holiday dinner for family members or friends who can't make it - the host has an ongoing relationship with these people.  But in this case the person in question doesn't actually have any relationship with the hosts - they were asked solely because they were the roommate of the family member. Plus, the invitee turned down the invitation because he didn't actually want to spend time with these people. Expecting a meal to be boxed up and sent home for him under those circumstances is pretty special snowflake, and I suspect it will mean that he doesn't get any further invitations.
Title: Re: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag?
Post by: oogyda on December 08, 2013, 04:48:18 PM
No one is owed or entitled to a doggy bag but personally I would have felt awful walking in with a plate for one person and nothing for the other, and it would have spoiled my enjoyment of the meal if I was the one eating it. I think, in this case, it was petty to leave Bob out.

I agree with this.  It sounds like Uncle Chatterbox lives with you as as Bob and it would have been awkward for me to be the one ultimately having to pass on SIL's policy. 

I also take issue with SIL's policy.  It sounds very ungracious for her to pass judgment on the worthiness of a person's reason.  It's ungracious for a host/hostess to demand a reason anyway.  It certainly doesn't seem like she would accept "I have other plans." without pressing for details so she could decide whether or not to send a plate. 

Bob sounds like a class A donkey, but that doesn't actually contribute to my opinion at all.