Etiquette Hell

Wedding Bliss and Blues => Attire => Topic started by: GlitterIsMyDrug on March 27, 2014, 12:27:36 PM

Title: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on March 27, 2014, 12:27:36 PM
So I saw this idea on Offbeat Bride and I like it!

http://offbeatbride.com/2013/11/play-dress-up#.UzRS_PldV8E (http://offbeatbride.com/2013/11/play-dress-up#.UzRS_PldV8E)

Basically to show their guests what would be good ideas clothing wise (and what would be bad) they dressed up and took pictures and then posted them on their wedding blog.

So I like it because 1) I love playing dress up (still!) and 2) I'm an examples person. Saying "outdoor-appropriate semi-formal attire" tells me very little. I wear lots of clothes outdoors. Most of my clothing would be fine to be worn outdoors. Oh, you mean I should wear flats so my heels don't sink the ground and be comfy but slightly dressier then normal. Got it.

I'm not sure if we'd do it for our wedding. I'm not sure if we'll need too. But I thought the idea what was a neat way to get the information out to those who want it and be fun while doing it. What say my fellow ehellions? Cute? Rude? Nothing?
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: HannahGrace on March 27, 2014, 12:40:13 PM
I think it's rude, actually.  Adults can figure out what to wear to a wedding and they don't need photo examples.  I'm also not particularly invested in what my guests wear to my wedding, so your mileage may vary on that front.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: PastryGoddess on March 27, 2014, 12:46:16 PM
I think it's fine as long as it's not pushed onto the guest.  So if you are doing a wedding website, you can put the pictures there. 

It sounds really fun and cute though.  Maybe you could rope in some friends to have some real fun with it.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: nuit93 on March 27, 2014, 12:49:11 PM
I think it could be useful if the attire/theme was unusual or costumed.  Other than that, it strikes me as possibly rude.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: #borecore on March 27, 2014, 12:57:37 PM
I think it's condescending.

My friend did it on her wedding site, and I felt like a baby who couldn't be trusted to dress myself; given that I didn't have outfits just like the ones posted, I started to question my perfectly appropriate wardrobe choice, too.

People who have questions will ask.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: HannahGrace on March 27, 2014, 01:00:21 PM
I think it's condescending.

My friend did it on her wedding site, and I felt like a baby who couldn't be trusted to dress myself; given that I didn't have outfits just like the ones posted, I started to question my perfectly appropriate wardrobe choice, too.

People who have questions will ask.

Thank you, condescending is precisely the right word and I could not think of it.  I've seen people post things like this on wedding websites and I really wondered why.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: JenJay on March 27, 2014, 01:04:33 PM
I think it's condescending.

My friend did it on her wedding site, and I felt like a baby who couldn't be trusted to dress myself; given that I didn't have outfits just like the ones posted, I started to question my perfectly appropriate wardrobe choice, too.

People who have questions will ask.

I agree.

I'm especially not fond of the "not that" photos and descriptions. If I received an invite like that and saw that all of my clothing was deemed inappropriate, I'd just decline rather than risk being gossiped about for having the audacity to show up in a that outfit. I think we can all agree that you don't go to a wedding in dirty jeans and an old t-shirt, but some of the "not that" stuff looked completely fine to me. If I have to work that hard to figure out how not to upset you with my clothes, I'm just gonna stay home.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: lakey on March 27, 2014, 01:43:37 PM
It could look like you don't think your guests know how to dress appropriately. Most guests know how to dress based on the venue, hotel ballroom or banquet hall, church hall, garden wedding, beach. Formal, semi-formal, casual, also give them a pretty good idea. And yes, they should know not to wear high heels to a beach wedding.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Harriet Jones on March 27, 2014, 01:51:13 PM
Seems condescending to me, too.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: nutraxfornerves on March 27, 2014, 01:59:06 PM
That idea could unfortunately be used to demonstrate that guests are expected to all dress in the same color, or no one can wear the same colors as the wedding party or that all women must wear hats or that all men must wear tuxes, or something else pretty unreasonable.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: SamiHami on March 27, 2014, 02:18:11 PM
I almost always agree with you, Glitter, but I think this is really a bad idea. Grown ups should be able to figure out how to dress themselves. The only people you get to dress are your attendants-and even then I would give them plenty of input, as I wouldn't want anyone to feel unhappy or uncomfortable.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Vall on March 27, 2014, 03:28:49 PM
It was an interesting website but I don't like the idea.  It's off-putting and it would kinda make me feel micromanaged.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Runningstar on March 27, 2014, 03:39:57 PM
I actually like it, due to my experience last summer at an afternoon outdoor wedding.  There I was in my heels and pearls, hair in an updo, etc.  Everyone else?  Basically shorts, polo shirts, very casual sun dresses.  I just didn't understand what they meant by afternoon casual.  It definitely would have taken pictures to explain it to me. 
Would it be as offensive to only offer it as a guide for those (like me) that ask you, but not included in the invitations?   I did ask a few people and they all did say to wear whatever you would to an afternoon party.   
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Tea Drinker on March 27, 2014, 04:24:05 PM
I wouldn't send that sort of thing to people who didn't ask--but if someone said "I'm not sure what 'semi-formal' means, and Miss Manners is no help at all, what did you have in mind?" then you could give them a brief verbal description and offer to send them a few pictures of things you think are appropriate. I would stay well away from "don't wear X" that wasn't on the health-and-safety end: not to wear heels if climbing is involved, whether people may want mosquito repellent, or likely temperature range if you're having an outdoor event.

Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on March 27, 2014, 04:26:26 PM
I actually like it, due to my experience last summer at an afternoon outdoor wedding.  There I was in my heels and pearls, hair in an updo, etc.  Everyone else?  Basically shorts, polo shirts, very casual sun dresses.  I just didn't understand what they meant by afternoon casual.  It definitely would have taken pictures to explain it to me. 
Would it be as offensive to only offer it as a guide for those (like me) that ask you, but not included in the invitations?   I did ask a few people and they all did say to wear whatever you would to an afternoon party.

See I would be the same as you. Well, actually I'd have no idea what afternoon casual meant. Usually I'm in yoga pants or running shorts during a casual afternoon. I might use google images but well that I did that and got several different looks.

I don't think it'd be ok to include with an invitation. But at the website for "more information" I can't see why that's condescending. Some grown ups (Running Star and I are both grown ups) don't know exactly what someone means by afternoon casual. So if I hop on the wedding website and see a tab that says "What Should I Wear?" I can click on it.

If on the wedding website is it really different then registry info, maps, or hotel information? If you don't want/need that information, you don't look at it. If you pull up the website and see "How to get here" are they being rude by saying "You might not how to get here"? Don't grown ups know how to read maps or at the very least use their GPS?

I wouldn't see it as "You must wear one of these four outfit choices" and more of just a guide of "things that look sort of like this are a good idea".
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Mental Magpie on March 27, 2014, 04:29:01 PM
I actually like it, due to my experience last summer at an afternoon outdoor wedding.  There I was in my heels and pearls, hair in an updo, etc.  Everyone else?  Basically shorts, polo shirts, very casual sun dresses.  I just didn't understand what they meant by afternoon casual.  It definitely would have taken pictures to explain it to me. 
Would it be as offensive to only offer it as a guide for those (like me) that ask you, but not included in the invitations?   I did ask a few people and they all did say to wear whatever you would to an afternoon party.

See I would be the same as you. Well, actually I'd have no idea what afternoon casual meant. Usually I'm in yoga pants or running shorts during a casual afternoon. I might use google images but well that I did that and got several different looks.

I don't think it'd be ok to include with an invitation. But at the website for "more information" I can't see why that's condescending. Some grown ups (Running Star and I are both grown ups) don't know exactly what someone means by afternoon casual. So if I hop on the wedding website and see a tab that says "What Should I Wear?" I can click on it.

If on the wedding website is it really different then registry info, maps, or hotel information? If you don't want/need that information, you don't look at it. If you pull up the website and see "How to get here" are they being rude by saying "You might not how to get here"? Don't grown ups know how to read maps or at the very least use their GPS?

I wouldn't see it as "You must wear one of these four outfit choices" and more of just a guide of "things that look sort of like this are a good idea".

I'm in this camp, too.  I'd much rather have an example if I went looking for one rather than guessing, getting wrong, and feeling like an incompetent fool.  At work, when we are to report to work not in uniform (ie training), we are to wear business professional.  That to me is quite clear, yes time and again people show up wearing completely disparate things.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on March 27, 2014, 04:34:15 PM
I'm in this camp, too.  I'd much rather have an example if I went looking for one rather than guessing, getting wrong, and feeling like an incompetent fool.  At work, when we are to report to work not in uniform (ie training), we are to wear business professional.  That to me is quite clear, yes time and again people show up wearing completely disparate things.

I always have trouble with business professional/casual. Mostly because I have worked for too many different companies. For some business professional meant suits, ties for the men, if women wore skits you must wear hose, and closed toe shoes. Others it's been, slacks and a nice blouse, or khakis and a polo. For business casual it's meant khakis/slacks and nice shirt, dressier jeans and nice shirts, any jeans and nice shirt, jeans and shirt, and for the love of all that is just don't dress like you're selling it on a street corner. That last one was specific to one place and I did not last long there for many many reasons.

Like I said, I'm an examples girl. I love examples.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Tea Drinker on March 27, 2014, 06:44:55 PM
Oh, one other thought on why I would rather have examples of things I should wear than of things I shouldn't is that I know I don't have a lot of fashion sense. So I'd worry that I was misreading the illustration, and that you meant to say "dear Deity, not those colors!" rather than "please cover your tattoos," or vice versa. Trying *to* match one of 4 or 5 illustrations would be easier than trying *not* to match any of 4 or 5 other illustrations.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: TootsNYC on March 27, 2014, 06:54:09 PM
I wouldn't see it as "You must wear one of these four outfit choices" and more of just a guide of "things that look sort of like this are a good idea".

Yes, but I'd be a little annoyed that you wouldn't think I could figure out what general sorts of things would be a good idea.

I might be there in a dress and heels, and everyone else in khaki, but I'd rather be a teeny bit overdressed.

I'll be honest, in my heart of hearts, I think it's not good form to have "afternoon casual" weddings, or to use indistinct terms, either. It's a wedding--I think people should dress up a little bit based on the time of day.

However, if you ARE using some odd term like that, or if you are having a truly casual wedding, then having it on your website under a link that says "afternoon casual—a translation" wouldn't make me feel that condescended to.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Mental Magpie on March 27, 2014, 07:16:11 PM
I wouldn't see it as "You must wear one of these four outfit choices" and more of just a guide of "things that look sort of like this are a good idea".

Yes, but I'd be a little annoyed that you wouldn't think I could figure out what general sorts of things would be a good idea.

I might be there in a dress and heels, and everyone else in khaki, but I'd rather be a teeny bit overdressed.

I'll be honest, in my heart of hearts, I think it's not good form to have "afternoon casual" weddings, or to use indistinct terms, either. It's a wedding--I think people should dress up a little bit based on the time of day.

However, if you ARE using some odd term like that, or if you are having a truly casual wedding, then having it on your website under a link that says "afternoon casual—a translation" wouldn't make me feel that condescended to.

For me, that would only happen if one of the pictures of what not to wear was fishnets, a mini skirt, and a belly shirt.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: purple on March 27, 2014, 08:33:43 PM
I vote rude.
And condescending.
And patronising.
And arrogant.
And disdainful.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: HannahGrace on March 27, 2014, 08:44:56 PM
I vote rude.
And condescending.
And patronising.
And arrogant.
And disdainful.

And twee and bridezilla-ish. 
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: buvezdevin on March 27, 2014, 08:50:40 PM
I dislike the idea greatly.

It suggests a set dress code which guests must follow, as opposed to helpful considerations to assist the guests in choosing their own attire, as adults do.

So for outdoor weddings, having some reminders on the web site that guests will be walking on grass, or sitting in the sun and you mention this to ensure the guests dress for their comfort - that sounds like a great idea, and helpful.

Some folks like to be on the dressy end of the spectrum, no matter the spectrum, others on the comfort-over-fashion end.  Some like bright colors, some neutral, etc.  Some of the examples at the link left no room for individual preferences of this sort, in the photos/text, which struck me as dictatorial rather than considerate guidance.

If you wanted to convey something more as guidance than a phrasing of "afternoon casual" or any other descriptor, I still think it better to do so with some simple, helpful statements that won't read as mandates, and I would completely avoid any "don't wear this" guidance.  Where someone is having a wedding in a venue/church that may *have* a dress code, such as covered shoulders, that information can be passed along and is not the same as anything suggesting that the happy couple require their guests comply with a particular aesthetic.

I don't mean to suggest you actually want to dictate your guest's attire, just that the "wear this, not that" photo idea for a wedding site seems to me to be condescending more than whimsical or uniformly (pun intended) useful.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Katana_Geldar on March 27, 2014, 09:02:25 PM
Dress codes can be very confusing, particularly for women. For men it's just about what sort of shirt, jacket or not and whether to wear a tie or not.

I do like how they are trying to be helpful for guests, but it might be a bit much to put them as inserts in the invitations as they have done. I rather like the suggestion on the website and if anyone asks you can direct them to that page.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Jones on March 27, 2014, 09:53:20 PM
I like the idea.


I have chosen the wrong thing to wear several times before. This would help me a lot.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Mental Magpie on March 27, 2014, 09:58:14 PM
It seems like not everyone would be happy.  Would it be OK to treat it like a registry?  Put it on the website and/or only distribute if requested?
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: JenJay on March 27, 2014, 10:43:41 PM
It seems like not everyone would be happy.  Would it be OK to treat it like a registry?  Put it on the website and/or only distribute if requested?

I'd find it a lot less :o if it was on a website, offered only when asked, and contained several "wear this" and no "not that!" photos. If, say, there will be sand or grass, you could have a photo of cute sandals captioned "comfy beach shoes!" to get the point across. Don't use a photo of muddy, broken heels captioned "No heels!". Even though it seems helpful because yeah, heels will be a pain in sand, I don't think you should ever explicitly tell your guests, in general, what not to wear. Crazy uncles pulled aside and told privately, maybe. lol
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: kareng57 on March 27, 2014, 11:10:57 PM
It seems like not everyone would be happy.  Would it be OK to treat it like a registry?  Put it on the website and/or only distribute if requested?

I'd find it a lot less :o if it was on a website, offered only when asked, and contained several "wear this" and no "not that!" photos. If, say, there will be sand or grass, you could have a photo of cute sandals captioned "comfy beach shoes!" to get the point across. Don't use a photo of muddy, broken heels captioned "No heels!". Even though it seems helpful because yeah, heels will be a pain in sand, I don't think you should ever explicitly tell your guests, in general, what not to wear. Crazy uncles pulled aside and told privately, maybe. lol


I too would find gentle info on the website acceptable, such as "the ground might be quite soft, low heels could be the best bet".  Nothing more, and guests could always ask if they require more info.

Count me in the crowd that would find the info in the OP terribly condescending.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: CakeEater on March 27, 2014, 11:20:10 PM
I actually like it, due to my experience last summer at an afternoon outdoor wedding.  There I was in my heels and pearls, hair in an updo, etc.  Everyone else?  Basically shorts, polo shirts, very casual sun dresses.  I just didn't understand what they meant by afternoon casual.  It definitely would have taken pictures to explain it to me. 
Would it be as offensive to only offer it as a guide for those (like me) that ask you, but not included in the invitations?   I did ask a few people and they all did say to wear whatever you would to an afternoon party.

See I would be the same as you. Well, actually I'd have no idea what afternoon casual meant. Usually I'm in yoga pants or running shorts during a casual afternoon. I might use google images but well that I did that and got several different looks.

I don't think it'd be ok to include with an invitation. But at the website for "more information" I can't see why that's condescending. Some grown ups (Running Star and I are both grown ups) don't know exactly what someone means by afternoon casual. So if I hop on the wedding website and see a tab that says "What Should I Wear?" I can click on it.

If on the wedding website is it really different then registry info, maps, or hotel information? If you don't want/need that information, you don't look at it. If you pull up the website and see "How to get here" are they being rude by saying "You might not how to get here"? Don't grown ups know how to read maps or at the very least use their GPS?

I wouldn't see it as "You must wear one of these four outfit choices" and more of just a guide of "things that look sort of like this are a good idea".

Well, yes, I think having this info on a wedding webiste is a bit OTT as well. It's never been easier to find your way somewhere just by knowing an address. There's no need at all for a lot of information taht seems to be on wedding websites, I don't think.

No, I don't like it. I've wondered what to wear to weddings before, but have always figured it out, and have never been inappropriately dressed, I don't think. Having examples like that would just make me think, 'I don't have a navy knee length skirt and button up shirt. Is my long floral skirt and white t-shirt at the same level of formality, or did they just not have a long skirt to use as an example?' etc.

It also strikes me that someone who spent any amount of time thinking about exactly what they'd like the clothes of their guests to be, rather than just a formality level, would be judging whether I had done a good enough job of matching their vision.

I had a reasonably formal wedding. Many of my female guests wore dress trousers and nice blouses. I wouldn't have given that as an example if I had done this, because I don't own those things. It may not have occured to me that it was even an option, because I like to wear dresses or skirts to formal events. I wouldn't have liked my guests to think that they were out of line in wearing what they did, simply because their dress styles didn't match mine. As far as I remember, all my guests were perfectly appropriate.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: camlan on March 28, 2014, 06:03:45 AM
I think the key thing is to use a phrase for the dress code that isn't difficult to interpret. "Semi-formal" is fine. "Black tie" is fine.

But a friend of mine is currently struggling to interpret "rustic glam." And even the bride has admitted she doesn't know exactly what that means--and she's the one who chose the phrase! (I keep telling her she needs to dress like Eva Gabor in Green Acres, but she's not listening to me.)

And from the responses here, some people do better with pictures and other people do better with words, so you need to chose both carefully.

I'd go with just words on the invitation. As several people have pointed out, they would not be happy with pictures included with the invitation.

Pictures, if you must do them, would be limited to the web site.

But the dress code is one thing that I would urge you not to get too creative with. As with my example of "rustic glam," you don't want to put your guests through the wringer trying to figure out what the heck you mean.

If the wedding is outdoors, make that clear--doesn't necessarily have to be in the dress code. Then plainly state the dress code--formal, semi-formal, beach casual.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Margo on March 28, 2014, 06:32:54 AM
I think it comes across as pretty condescending.

I think it would be better to have more information about the venue / plans so people can decide for themselves what to wear.

So it's good to give people a heads-up that the ceremony or party will be outside on grass, so they can decide whether they want to wear flats rather than spiky heels, for instance, or if they will need to walk between the two, say so - "the ceremony will be in [venue] followed by party at [venue] which is about 5 minutes walk on a gravel path / 15 minutes hike down a mountain trail / on the top floor accessible by a cast-iron spiral staircase" or whatever is appropriate.

(I have to say, I've never been to a wedding where any kind of dress code was specified - thinking back, I think I've been influenced in choosing what to wear by knowing the people involved, and based on the venue, and what other information is provided.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: glinda on March 28, 2014, 11:47:21 AM
I think it may be a "know your audience" situation.  I don't know that I would post pictures necessarily, but if my nieces and nephew weren't in my wedding party would probably need some help in figuring out what to wear to the wedding being as they have never been to a wedding before this.  I have told them that they might not want to wear heels on my lawn.

For the rest of my (adult) guests, our invitation reads:

The Backyard
Our address

As most of our guests know the house is too small for a wedding and that the back yard is lawn.  If anyone asks for guidance on what to wear, we'll be more than happy to provide some.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: TootsNYC on March 28, 2014, 11:54:33 AM

But the dress code is one thing that I would urge you not to get too creative with. As with my example of "rustic glam," you don't want to put your guests through the wringer trying to figure out what the heck you mean. (added:) Even if you do plan to give examples on the website.



I agree.

It's best to just not use those sorts of phrases anyway. It's really sort of controlling, plus confusing. It's tough enough sometimes.

If a guest is saying, "Hmmm, 'skirts & khakis' casual, or 'nice dress and blazer casual' ?" then what they should do is say, "I'd rather be overdress than under-" (or vice versa), and pick those clothes.

To wish for something more specific from your guests is overly controlling. This isn't a play or fashion show, or a club gathering.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: #borecore on March 28, 2014, 01:32:32 PM
For my wedding, we wanted people to dress the weekend equivalent of business-type clothes (so, not cocktail, not casual, very light fabric so they didn't boil to death). We struggled with what to say.

Since our wedding was at a Buddhist hall with a lawn reception, and nearly none of our guests had ever been to such a thing, we settled on, "Sunday best" with a disclaimer to be ready for some serious heat (all on the website; no mention on the invitation). People guessed perfectly (or asked me for more details, then did so).

We also said the 2nd part of the wedding was a "casual, backyard party." We didn't mention dress code, but there was time (1.5 hours) built in to change into something more comfortable, too. Our guests were 50/50 on changing clothes. I changed from my wedding dress and heels to a short lacy dress with flats, good for dancing; my husband took off his jacket and most men rolled up their sleeves.

Long story short: When in doubt, describe the nature of the event, rather than the dress code, in greater detail. People are great at context clues.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: whatsanenigma on March 28, 2014, 01:43:56 PM
I think that making a "dress code" clear is not just about the preferences of the HC or their desire to have everyone dress in a uniform fashion to "match" their wedding.  I think it's also about the comfort of the guests (in both the physical and emotional sense).

For me, anyway, it is very uncomfortable to be somewhere where I am either very over or very under dressed.  I think probably others feel the same way, like they are sticking out like a sore thumb in the crowd, even when the HC is gracious or honestly doesn't care what people have worn to the wedding.  It just feels painfully awkward, to be dressed very differently than everyone else, to me anyway.

So I think this idea of showing guests what to wear has the possibility of being a good thing.  Sure, it could go over the top, with being insulting or condescending (especially in the "don't" category) but in order to show general guidelines,  I think it could be useful, both to avoid people under dressing and over dressing (it would be really uncomfortable to show up in something more formal than the bride is wearing, for example).

And the "don't" category could be used for a lot of comic effect, I would think.  Rather than trying to give literal examples of what not to show up wearing,  the pictures could be of things obviously wrong, like pajamas or grass skirts.  Maybe a picture of someone wearing a lampshade on their head with the caption "DON'T wear this to the ceremony. (Save it for the reception.)" Stuff like that.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on March 28, 2014, 02:10:22 PM
And the "don't" category could be used for a lot of comic effect, I would think.  Rather than trying to give literal examples of what not to show up wearing,  the pictures could be of things obviously wrong, like pajamas or grass skirts.  Maybe a picture of someone wearing a lampshade on their head with the caption "DON'T wear this to the ceremony. (Save it for the reception.)" Stuff like that.

That's how I envisioned the "don't" section. Being kind of silly and fun. With maybe like super high heels with a caption like "Super cute, but you'll probably sink in the grass" for an outdoor wedding.

And I have worn heels to an outdoor wedding. Knowing it was outdoors. Know my heels would sink the grass. Somehow something didn't click in my brain to wear non-heeled shoes (wedges are awesome). I got stuck. In the grass. And I've done this a few times now.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Lynn2000 on March 28, 2014, 02:29:12 PM
I would keep it to the website, where people have to go looking for the information if they want it. And, I wouldn't make it essential information--guests should know that this will be a casual afternoon outdoor wedding (or whatever) just from reading the invitation and/or looking up the location. But, there's no reason one can't have some fun with the wedding website--they can be very dry and utilitarian sometimes, when I think a lot of people go to them hoping to learn something more about the wedding and the people in it.

So I would try to set it up so that some people can look at the invitation info and go, "Okay, I should wear X and Y, but not Z," and they're done. But then other people might go to the wedding website "for more information," and one tab would be about clothes, and they could see that and realize, "Oh, they're thinking X and Y, but not Z! I totally didn't pick up on that before."

Personally it probably wouldn't be very useful for me, though it might be fun for me to look at. I don't own a lot of different clothes, especially dressy clothes; I tend to wear about the same thing to all "nice" occasions, and sometimes I end up a little overdressed, other times a little underdressed. Never been invited to something that required ballgown-level clothes, though, fortunately! A description of the location and activities would probably be more useful to me in deciding what to wear, or rather deciding if I needed to modify my usual choice for "nice" occasions, since it's unlikely that any "what to wear" pictures would include things I happened to already own.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Winterlight on March 29, 2014, 08:28:12 AM
I'd find it pretty rude and potentially bridezillaish.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: LtPowers on March 31, 2014, 02:05:27 PM
Since our wedding was at a Buddhist hall with a lawn reception, and nearly none of our guests had ever been to such a thing, we settled on, "Sunday best" with a disclaimer to be ready for some serious heat (all on the website; no mention on the invitation). People guessed perfectly (or asked me for more details, then did so).

So, essentially casual daytime wedding wear modified for the outdoor reception, which they probably were able to glean from the style of invitation, time of the ceremony, and location of the reception.  I'm not sure your "Sunday best" explanation was necessary.


Powers  &8^]
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: goldilocks on March 31, 2014, 02:40:57 PM
I think it's fine to describe the event (wedding followed by BBQ in backyard!) and even suggest "afternoon casual".  You can even describe afternoon casuals (polos, khakis and boat shoes are fine!)

But the photos are too much.  If I truly don't know what afternoon casual is I can ask.   And remember it's just a suggestion.   I have relatives that would never show up in shorts in polos no matter what you said because ITS  A WEDDING and of course you wear pearls and heels to a wedding.



Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: #borecore on March 31, 2014, 03:50:58 PM
Since our wedding was at a Buddhist hall with a lawn reception, and nearly none of our guests had ever been to such a thing, we settled on, "Sunday best" with a disclaimer to be ready for some serious heat (all on the website; no mention on the invitation). People guessed perfectly (or asked me for more details, then did so).

So, essentially casual daytime wedding wear modified for the outdoor reception, which they probably were able to glean from the style of invitation, time of the ceremony, and location of the reception.  I'm not sure your "Sunday best" explanation was necessary.


Powers  &8^]

Considering that when we told people we were having a wedding at a Buddhist meditation hall, they assumed they would not be able to wear dresses or fitted pants because they'd have to sit on floor cushions, I thought a word or two was necessary.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Mental Magpie on March 31, 2014, 04:31:07 PM
Since our wedding was at a Buddhist hall with a lawn reception, and nearly none of our guests had ever been to such a thing, we settled on, "Sunday best" with a disclaimer to be ready for some serious heat (all on the website; no mention on the invitation). People guessed perfectly (or asked me for more details, then did so).

So, essentially casual daytime wedding wear modified for the outdoor reception, which they probably were able to glean from the style of invitation, time of the ceremony, and location of the reception.  I'm not sure your "Sunday best" explanation was necessary.


Powers  &8^]

Considering that when we told people we were having a wedding at a Buddhist meditation hall, they assumed they would not be able to wear dresses or fitted pants because they'd have to sit on floor cushions, I thought a word or two was necessary.

I have to say, I wouldn't even know where to begin with choosing clothes for a Buddhist meditation hall.  I never would have been able to guess that from an invitation because I don't know the expectations of a Buddhist meditation hall.  I can guess what I would need to wear to a church wedding because I have experience with churches; I have none with anything Buddhist, really.  Not everyone's experience is the same as yours, and keeping that in mind when planning things is something I find incredibly important.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: TootsNYC on March 31, 2014, 05:38:15 PM
I would assume that for a wedding at a Buddhist meditation hall, I'd wear whatever I'd wear at a church.

I'd assume that the bride & groom would make sure that chairs would be provided, since the guests wouldn't be meditating. I guess I'd be surprised either way.

And even if I thought that I might need to kneel or sit, then I'd just pick clothes that I could do that in. I wouldn't need to be told that I needn't bother. I don't, in point of fact, own any clothes that I couldn't do so in.

I might not be able to sit knees akimbo in a pencil skirt, but I wouldn't wear that to an afternoon wedding anyway.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Mental Magpie on March 31, 2014, 05:55:52 PM
I would assume that for a wedding at a Buddhist meditation hall, I'd wear whatever I'd wear at a church.

I'd assume that the bride & groom would make sure that chairs would be provided, since the guests wouldn't be meditating. I guess I'd be surprised either way.

And even if I thought that I might need to kneel or sit, then I'd just pick clothes that I could do that in. I wouldn't need to be told that I needn't bother. I don't, in point of fact, own any clothes that I couldn't do so in.

I might not be able to sit knees akimbo in a pencil skirt, but I wouldn't wear that to an afternoon wedding anyway.

You know, I probably would, too, but I'd be so anxious that I was wrong or would be offending someone that until I saw that everyone else was dressed at the same level (or at least most of the guests) that I would spend far too much time going around touching everything with both hands (the compulsions).
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: turnip on March 31, 2014, 06:37:48 PM
Fascinating!

Obviously mileage varies.   Personally, I'm only really looking at the dress code to know if there are hard-and-fast rules. So if I shouldn't wear heels due to ground conditions, or I should cover my shoulders due to religious conventions, or if you really want a formal black-tie wedding and you know what you mean by that, then I'll appreciate the heads up.

However I'm not a clothes horse and I don't care to shop, so I'm probably just going to wear my brown shift dress no matter what you write on the invite.  If you start showing me examples of what 'country casual' or 'nautical garb' or 'mid-afternoon tea' look like, then I'm probably going to decide that nothing in my wardrobe really fits and I'm not particularly inclined to go to an event where my apparel is going to be so strictly scrutinized.

So I think happy couples should be careful.  It's one think to say "dress for a casual outdoor event", it's another to make me feel like if I don't have colorful shorts and a bright floral shirt than I shouldn't bother to attend.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Surianne on March 31, 2014, 06:52:03 PM
I love this idea!  Like some of the previous posters, I always feel anxious trying to figure out what to wear to a wedding.  Even if I knew how to determine dress from the style of invitation, and if I had time to do research on the venue (how does this work? Do you call them and ask?), I'd still feel uncomfortable. 

Last summer, I went to an outdoor wedding by a river (reception in a tent) and the invitation had pictures of sporting equipment all over it, so I figured it would be safe to wear a simple cotton dress and chunky sandals perfect for tramping around the park.  Of course, it turned out that everyone else was in fancy wear with sequins.  Sigh.  I honestly just don't know enough about fashion to figure it out by myself. 

So if it seems condescending, I wonder if it would help to think of the photos as for the people (like me) who genuinely appreciate the guidance, and not as an insult to those of you who do enjoy fashion and understand more about dress codes.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: turnip on April 01, 2014, 12:30:04 PM
I was thinking about this last night and I suddenly had a new sympathy for people who don't like wedding registries...


See, for me, I feel quite comfortable with how I dress for weddings.  I have a plan, I like it, I don't worry about it.  Now if I saw a suggestion list like _this_ from the B&G, I'd feel like what they were saying was "If care about us, you'll dress like this".  It seems like if they are willing to put so much effort into the dress code ( and maybe it only took a few minutes, but it looks like a lot of effort ) then it must be _really_ important to them that everyone look right, and I find that kind of shallow and off putting - why are they so concerned with what I wear?    And it would make me feel like if I didn't want to go out and buy a new outfit, I might as well not come.

I think other people get that vibe from wedding registries - not "here's a list if you want to use it", but "here's a list we spend hours putting together because our gifts are really important, and if you buy us something else we are going to be disappointed".  I now see how unpleasant that could feel.

Now I still am OK with registries because when I buy a gift I am trying to find something the bride and groom would approve of, so I am not bothered by having their input.  But when I get dressed for a wedding I'm really not expecting the B&G to evaluate my fashion choices.   If they do, and I'm not at the wedding of Tim Gunn and Nina Garcia, ( yes, I know, just stick with me ) then I think they're probably a little to caught up in appearances for my tastes.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: TurtleDove on April 01, 2014, 12:40:24 PM
It seems like if they are willing to put so much effort into the dress code ( and maybe it only took a few minutes, but it looks like a lot of effort ) then it must be _really_ important to them that everyone look right, and I find that kind of shallow and off putting - why are they so concerned with what I wear?   

I see it less about the HC wanting everyone to look "right" and more about wanting everyone to feel comfortable.  A great many people feel more comfortable when they are dressed to the same level as other people at an event.  I think there is nothing wrong with wanting a more formal event, or a more casual event.  I am generally confident in what I wear, and am comfortable in dressy clothes or in more casual attire, but if I showed up in a sundress and everyone else was wearing a cocktail dress, I would feel less awesome than if I had known this was a cocktail dress occasion (or vice versa).
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on April 01, 2014, 12:48:24 PM
Now I still am OK with registries because when I buy a gift I am trying to find something the bride and groom would approve of, so I am not bothered by having their input.  But when I get dressed for a wedding I'm really not expecting the B&G to evaluate my fashion choices.   If they do, and I'm not at the wedding of Tim Gunn and Nina Garcia, ( yes, I know, just stick with me ) then I think they're probably a little to caught up in appearances for my tastes.

See I see it as being less of caring about how their guests look, and more of about caring about their guests comfort.

For instance, in the original article, they're getting married in the middle of a field and having a BBQ afterwards. It'll be warm earlier in the day but will cool off as you go. So, their pictures suggest flats (so as not to sink), what I'd define as business casual (nice but no suits, no gowns, slacks and blouses good), and layers (sweaters and such to warm up with later). And yes, you can say that with words, but some people aren't...word people. Like right there I was not a word person because I couldn't come up with a better word then "word people". Some people are very visual. So a few examples, of dresses, of slacks/blouse combos, give the idea of "something that looks like this would be comfortable at our wedding". At least to me.

I have trouble getting how this translates to "Only a mauve skirt, with a teal shirt, and by deity woman don't wear last years shoes", rather then just "Confused on what to wear? Here are suggestions of styles that would work well". If you already plan on wearing a pair of wedges and your cute wrap dress then you're good. You might look at it go "Oh I should remember a sweater", because they keep showing layers and mention that layers are an excellent idea as the temps will drop. However if you're someone going "I've never attended a wedding the middle of a field...what should I wear? Jeans? I usually wear heels and nice pantsuit....but I don't think that's right here..." and then you see the pictures and go "Oh, I have a pair of flats and cute skirt and shirt I can wear. Do I have a sweater to go with it? I might want to pick one up".

And of course...looking at the website is entirely optional to begin with.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Harriet Jones on April 01, 2014, 12:55:48 PM
Some of us may not be picture people, either.   I know I'd prefer words - flats recommended, bring a sweater for after dark.  I don't know that I'd interpret a picture of someone in a dress+sweater as "bring a sweater".




Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on April 01, 2014, 12:59:43 PM
Some of us may not be picture people, either.   I know I'd prefer words - flats recommended, bring a sweater for after dark.  I don't know that I'd interpret a picture of someone in a dress+sweater as "bring a sweater".

On the site they did both. They'd put up a picture and then the caption would be like a sentence explaining why it worked.

ETA: At the bottom of the article there is a link to their website (they call it a wedding blog, I'm using the terms interchangeably as I often do). So here it is: http://layneandjoel.blogspot.com/  (http://layneandjoel.blogspot.com/)and if you scroll a bit you can see what they did with their outfits exactly. They did one of the men-folk too, it's on top. But lets face it...men-folk's outfits always seem to be easier. I think because they have less options. Sometimes less is better.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: whatsanenigma on April 01, 2014, 01:01:31 PM
I very much agree with both TurtleDove and GlitterIsMyDrug.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: turnip on April 01, 2014, 01:01:47 PM
I'm actually not sure it's a bad idea, just exploring my gut reaction.  If they want to say 'outdoor wedding, ground might be muddy!" then I won't wear pointed heels and I'll check the weather before going.  A bunch of pictures and suggestions just seems a bit OTT to me.

And not surprisingly it's women's wear - men are allowed to show up in the same boring sports coat to any occasion and no one wonders at it.  I wish it were as easy for women.   It's not the happy couple's fault it isn't, nor is it female guests who tend to be the ones spending time worrying about the difference between 'garden party' and 'tea time', but I find it unfortunate all the same.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on April 01, 2014, 01:05:39 PM
Wait...is there a difference between garden party and tea time? Because I think my outfit would look very much the same either way.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: turnip on April 01, 2014, 01:08:05 PM
Wait...is there a difference between garden party and tea time? Because I think my outfit would look very much the same either way.

I doubt it  :)  But I suspect someone invited to both styles of wedding would worry about a subtle distinction that they were missing.  ( Glove for teatime?  Sandals for garden party?  I don't know )
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: buvezdevin on April 01, 2014, 01:10:23 PM
Now I still am OK with registries because when I buy a gift I am trying to find something the bride and groom would approve of, so I am not bothered by having their input.  But when I get dressed for a wedding I'm really not expecting the B&G to evaluate my fashion choices.   If they do, and I'm not at the wedding of Tim Gunn and Nina Garcia, ( yes, I know, just stick with me ) then I think they're probably a little to caught up in appearances for my tastes.

See I see it as being less of caring about how their guests look, and more of about caring about their guests comfort.

For instance, in the original article, they're getting married in the middle of a field and having a BBQ afterwards. It'll be warm earlier in the day but will cool off as you go. So, their pictures suggest flats (so as not to sink), what I'd define as business casual (nice but no suits, no gowns, slacks and blouses good), and layers (sweaters and such to warm up with later). And yes, you can say that with words, but some people aren't...word people. Like right there I was not a word person because I couldn't come up with a better word then "word people". Some people are very visual. So a few examples, of dresses, of slacks/blouse combos, give the idea of "something that looks like this would be comfortable at our wedding". At least to me.

I have trouble getting how this translates to "Only a mauve skirt, with a teal shirt, and by deity woman don't wear last years shoes", rather then just "Confused on what to wear? Here are suggestions of styles that would work well". If you already plan on wearing a pair of wedges and your cute wrap dress then you're good. You might look at it go "Oh I should remember a sweater", because they keep showing layers and mention that layers are an excellent idea as the temps will drop. However if you're someone going "I've never attended a wedding the middle of a field...what should I wear? Jeans? I usually wear heels and nice pantsuit....but I don't think that's right here..." and then you see the pictures and go "Oh, I have a pair of flats and cute skirt and shirt I can wear. Do I have a sweater to go with it? I might want to pick one up".

And of course...looking at the website is entirely optional to begin with.

Some of the links within the article you referenced have photos and text that stated "wear this type of shorts and casual shirts and absolutely do not wear a dress or jacket" and "dress like this popular tv show, do not wear anything like this popular tv show".  Which reads as an overall style dictate rather than "for guest's comfort, here are some considerations..."

If the wedding website said something like "for anyone interested in suggestions for comfortable attire" with or without photos, that sounds considerate, and optional guidance.  Photos stating "wear this, not that" reads as fashion dictates, not guidance for guest's comfort - but stylistic preferences.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: turnip on April 01, 2014, 01:18:24 PM
Good Lord, I didn't even follow the attached link.

http://media.offbeatbride.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/6/files/2010/05/WearThisNotThat.jpg

Yea, I'm sending regrets.  And how come it's OK to wear a tie to the beach cookout but not the wedding?
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: lowspark on April 01, 2014, 01:50:26 PM
I've been trying to figure out what it was about this that bugged me and (finally) looking at the link made me realize what it is. It's the varied interpretations that are bound to come out of this. If you look at the first two pictures, I see everyone in the "wear this" example wearing black & white, maybe some gray and a bit of khaki. And the people in the "not this" picture wearing pretty colors.

I didn't even notice the tie thing until I reread turnip's post. So for me, it wasn't about the specific dressiness of the clothes they are wearing, but the colors.

What I'm trying to say is that everyone who looks at these pictures has the potential to interpret them differently. For me, it says, wear neutral colors only to the cookout. Don't dare show up in any colors. That's not really what they mean, is it?

I think that if I were invited to a cookout I could go in my closet and figure out the appropriate clothing. Or if they said, "Casual and Comfortable" for the wedding, I'd get that. Or if it's an unusual venue, like the Buddhist hall, a little extra description might be in order.

But I think showing one picture of "do" and one of "don't" doesn't do it for me. I did read the descriptions below the pictures, but they didn't really help. As turnip points, out there's a guy wearing a tie in the "do" picture but the caption says, "bathing suit, shorts and flip flops", which pretty much no one in that picture is wearing. The caption for the "don't" picture references The Housewives of Orange County, which I've never seen and have no idea how they dress, save all those lively colors in the picture!
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Psychopoesie on April 01, 2014, 02:19:34 PM
I've been mulling this over. I do worry about what to wear to weddings (maybe because I'm not in the prime wedding age group so I don't go to a lot these days). I'm not sure I'd find the pics in the examples given all that helpful.

It may have been intended as funny but it does come across as judgy and a bit prescriptive in both examples. Some of that is in the captions -

Dress pants or a skirt and a blouse or button up are definitely acceptable.

Some of it is in the example outfits -

Two of the real housewives outfits seem like casual sundresses, not that different to those in the lost on the island chic pics except they're not navy or neutral colours.

In the other - not sure why knee-calf length skirt/dress good, much shorter skirt bad. Leather jacket no but cardi ok? I'd be spending more time trying to decode what all this means.

The three piece suit option for the guys looked a lot more formal than any of the suggested outfits for the women, even the dress.

Some tips where helpful - knowing the ground won't work for heels and that it may get cold later helps (although if I'm coming from somewhere with a different climate, telling me how cold it could be at that time of year would help more).

May have hit exactly the right note for their guests. For me, it ended up feeling more like a reflection of the bride/happy couple's preferred style/fashion sense than about the comfort of the guests.

Ps. Lowspark posted just as I went to hit send and explained the neutral colour thing much better - yes, exactly!





Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Surianne on April 01, 2014, 02:22:44 PM
Good Lord, I didn't even follow the attached link.

http://media.offbeatbride.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/6/files/2010/05/WearThisNotThat.jpg

Yea, I'm sending regrets.  And how come it's OK to wear a tie to the beach cookout but not the wedding?

I love this!  It's goofy and made me smile, but also understandable -- I love the combination of photo and text so it's clear why they've chosen each photo.  I'd feel very comfortable attending the wedding after seeing this link.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Carotte on April 01, 2014, 02:29:57 PM
Like for a lot of things  I think this idea depends very much on the execution and on the HC/guests and reasons for such a thing (do/don't wear).
Humor makes it easier to come across without implying that you think your guests are stupid.

Always ok: putting words on the formality or lack thereoff of your wedding,
where? I don't know. I wouldn't put it on the main invite but in the insert about the venue.
how? either bluntly, on it's own: "black tie wedding at Castle Chez Martin" or subtly implied "followed by a casual brunch".

Always ok: a notice about the venue or weather. (soft grass, gravel path from parking to ceremony..)
Where: insert with venue info, website or word of mouth.

Special circumstances: themed wedding (medieval, rétro chic..).
A note about if guests have to wear specific (period) things, if there will be spare that they can borrow, where can they find it, the difference between renaissance and victorian*...
On the website is best.
(* I'd think that was nitpicking if the HC were to pout because someone mixed the two but hey, example ).

Special circumstances: religious venues when not all your guests share the same faith.
I wouldn't know of the top of my head if a Boudist meditation venues allowed women to show hair or bare shoulders for examples. Even inside the same religion some venues/denominations are more strict so a head up about the don't can be a normal and appreciated thing.
"we would like  our guest to take notice that the Green church ask of the women to cover their shoulders while inside the venue, shawls will be available before entering the church".

I remember a webpage detailing all the differences between black tie, formal,... wear for men, with examples of the suits and a description. The same might exist for women so I'd google if I was uncertain. I just need something to google so something should clue me in from the invite.
Do (or implication of DO) would guide me, Don't would feel like you don't trust me to not come to your Black Tie wedding in hiking boots.

Do/Don't are strong words. "please refrain", "you might find that X would be more comfortable due to the ground", "for you confort, favor flat heels"... will go much easier with me.

Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on April 01, 2014, 02:43:08 PM
Good Lord, I didn't even follow the attached link.

http://media.offbeatbride.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/6/files/2010/05/WearThisNotThat.jpg

Yea, I'm sending regrets.  And how come it's OK to wear a tie to the beach cookout but not the wedding?

I love this!  It's goofy and made me smile, but also understandable -- I love the combination of photo and text so it's clear why they've chosen each photo.  I'd feel very comfortable attending the wedding after seeing this link.

I liked this one because it used pop culture references. Lost vs. Real Housewives, those are two very different looks and one is much more casual then the other.

However, I want to be so very clear on this point, I was posting about the article that talked about playing dress up and showing your guests what you mean. Not the additional link to another article written by someone else on the site answering a question about conveying appropriate clothing choices that another someone else asked.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Surianne on April 01, 2014, 02:56:46 PM
Good Lord, I didn't even follow the attached link.

http://media.offbeatbride.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/6/files/2010/05/WearThisNotThat.jpg

Yea, I'm sending regrets.  And how come it's OK to wear a tie to the beach cookout but not the wedding?

I love this!  It's goofy and made me smile, but also understandable -- I love the combination of photo and text so it's clear why they've chosen each photo.  I'd feel very comfortable attending the wedding after seeing this link.

I liked this one because it used pop culture references. Lost vs. Real Housewives, those are two very different looks and one is much more casual then the other.

However, I want to be so very clear on this point, I was posting about the article that talked about playing dress up and showing your guests what you mean. Not the additional link to another article written by someone else on the site answering a question about conveying appropriate clothing choices that another someone else asked.

I'm not really sure what your issue is with my post that you need to be "so very clear" about?  I thought I was pretty clear that I liked both examples, and even if I wasn't clear enough for you, it's just my personal opinion.  I'm not saying anyone else needs to like the same things I do. 
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: LadyL on April 01, 2014, 02:57:51 PM
Depending on the execution I might find these kinds of suggestions anywhere from helpful, to goofy but harmless, to slightly annoying (assuming they are illustrating a "normal" dress code, not threatening to bar guests wearing cotton from their Renne Faire wedding or something). But if I am important enough to someone to be invited to their wedding, I'm unlikely to decline simply based on a hamfisted attempt at explaining the dress code. Especially if it was intended to be tongue in cheek/humorous like the linked original example.

I mean, on my wedding website I had a line about "the bride requests that no one wear a poufy white ball gown with a veil. Poufy blue, pink, or zebra print gowns are fine (though not necessarily recommended)." I would hope no one felt was I being bossy, condescending, or bridezilla-esque because I made a bit of a joke. In fact a few guests made references to that line to me (jokes about the lovely zebra print ball gown they found, stuff like that).
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on April 01, 2014, 03:13:31 PM
Good Lord, I didn't even follow the attached link.

http://media.offbeatbride.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/6/files/2010/05/WearThisNotThat.jpg

Yea, I'm sending regrets.  And how come it's OK to wear a tie to the beach cookout but not the wedding?

I love this!  It's goofy and made me smile, but also understandable -- I love the combination of photo and text so it's clear why they've chosen each photo.  I'd feel very comfortable attending the wedding after seeing this link.

I liked this one because it used pop culture references. Lost vs. Real Housewives, those are two very different looks and one is much more casual then the other.

However, I want to be so very clear on this point, I was posting about the article that talked about playing dress up and showing your guests what you mean. Not the additional link to another article written by someone else on the site answering a question about conveying appropriate clothing choices that another someone else asked.

I'm not really sure what your issue is with my post that you need to be "so very clear" about?  I thought I was pretty clear that I liked both examples, and even if I wasn't clear enough for you, it's just my personal opinion.  I'm not saying anyone else needs to like the same things I do.

That wasn't necessarily directed at anything you said. I just wanted to clarify for anyone reading along that my original post was about the content in the post, not about the extra link in the post.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: lowspark on April 01, 2014, 03:13:42 PM
Oh yeah, I didn't mean to imply I would take offense at any of it. Most especially if it's meant to be tongue in cheek. I'm just thinking that I'm likely to be the one who completely misunderstands what is being conveyed and end up wearing the exact wrong thing, or realizing that I certainly could have worn the outfit I originally wanted to wear if I'd only not misinterpreted the pictures.

I think the whole idea trying to clarify the preferred dress stems from the fact that we've (as a society) gotten so far afield with the names for different styles that they've become meaningless. "Dressy casual" for example. Which is it? Dressy or casual? I just saw another one, "Rustic chic". Sorry but rustic and chic are at opposite ends of the spectrum in my view.

Maybe there's no way around it. Say "casual" and you're likely to have guests show up in ratty jeans. Say "dressy" and everyone comes dressed to the nines. And all you really wanted was casual but presentable.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on April 01, 2014, 03:15:48 PM
But if I am important enough to someone to be invited to their wedding, I'm unlikely to decline simply based on a hamfisted attempt at explaining the dress code. Especially if it was intended to be tongue in cheek/humorous like the linked original example.

I feel this way too. Especially because if I know them well enough to get an invite to their wedding, I probably know their sense of humor pretty well and could see they're trying to have a bit of fun while also trying to give helpful information.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: gellchom on April 01, 2014, 03:41:44 PM
I wouldn't be offended, but I'd roll my eyes.  And I wouldn't get much guidance.

I get it about helping guests feel comfortable that they are dressed right.  I appreciate that too.  That's why I've often railed against cutesy or overly creative dress codes on invitations that tell me NOTHING about what I am supposed to wear -- "Dress to impress!" was one that springs to mind.  The conventional forms like "black tie," "casual," or "business casual," less traditional things like "dressy" or "dressy casual" (which I have come to accept), and things specific to the occasion like "boat wear," "costume," or "beach attire" give me the information I need.  The venue and the style of the invitation give cues, too.  Even the standard conventions can vary a bit by community, but if the event is in a community different from mine, it's easy to find out what it means there, and even if I just go with what it means in my community, I won't be far off and wearing something appropriate anyway.  Like, it says "black tie" and I wear a dressy short party dress where others are mostly wearing long, or vice-versa -- that's okay anyway; not like I'd be wearing a business suit.  And I also agree that heads-ups about grass shoes would sink in, religious parameters, and the like are very appropriate.

But this?  It strikes me as off, too.  Kind of cutesy and kind of over-concerned with the guests' clothing, and susceptible to misunderstanding, as others have said.  In addition, while it might seem like a great idea to this bride and MOH when they are thinking of their peers, just how helpful are these photos (or TV show references) to Grandma and other guests in the parent and grandparent generations, which most weddings include? 

Finally, and maybe this is just me, but IMHO it has a little taste of "Let's all call each other tonight and decide what we're all going to wear to school tomorrow!" to it.  A little too junior high for a wedding.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: buvezdevin on April 01, 2014, 03:46:22 PM
But if I am important enough to someone to be invited to their wedding, I'm unlikely to decline simply based on a hamfisted attempt at explaining the dress code. Especially if it was intended to be tongue in cheek/humorous like the linked original example.

I feel this way too. Especially because if I know them well enough to get an invite to their wedding, I probably know their sense of humor pretty well and could see they're trying to have a bit of fun while also trying to give helpful information.

Whereas I have found that if I know someone well enough to be invited to the wedding, I have some experience with what their sense of any particular dress code is, or if uncertain - I can ask.

For a wedding just over a year ago, with invitation specifying "black tie optional"  - I did ask the bride if she thought there would be an inclination towards cocktail or formal length dresses among guests, and if she had any preference.  In that case, the formality of the event would not have neatly dovetailed with humorous "do/don't" wear guidance, and I noted that while a number of women wore very high end formal gowns or stylish cocktail dresses, there were more than a handful in tea length gowns which might not meet a strict reading of "black tie optional" but were lovely, and not at all out of place.

For other weddings, I have sometimes been on the more formal or less formal end of the overall range of guest attire, and most weddings I have attended have had a range, not from jeans to tuxedos, but not entirely uniform either - regardless of dress code.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: TootsNYC on April 01, 2014, 05:01:20 PM

Always ok: putting words on the formality or lack thereoff of your wedding,
where? I don't know. I wouldn't put it on the main invite but in the insert about the venue.
how? either bluntly, on it's own: "black tie wedding at Castle Chez Martin" or subtly implied "followed by a casual brunch".



Actually the strictest of traditional etiquette -does- have you put this on the main invitation. In the lower right corner.

Always ok: a notice about the venue or weather. (soft grass, gravel path from parking to ceremony..)
Where: insert with venue info, website or word of mouth.

Special circumstances: themed wedding (medieval, rétro chic..).
A note about if guests have to wear specific (period) things, if there will be spare that they can borrow, where can they find it, the difference between renaissance and victorian*...
On the website is best.
(* I'd think that was nitpicking if the HC were to pout because someone mixed the two but hey, example ).

Special circumstances: religious venues when not all your guests share the same faith.
I wouldn't know of the top of my head if a Boudist meditation venues allowed women to show hair or bare shoulders for examples. Even inside the same religion some venues/denominations are more strict so a head up about the don't can be a normal and appreciated thing.
"we would like  our guest to take notice that the Green church ask of the women to cover their shoulders while inside the venue, shawls will be available before entering the church".

I remember a webpage detailing all the differences between black tie, formal,... wear for men, with examples of the suits and a description. The same might exist for women so I'd google if I was uncertain. I just need something to google so something should clue me in from the invite.
Do (or implication of DO) would guide me, Don't would feel like you don't trust me to not come to your Black Tie wedding in hiking boots.

Do/Don't are strong words. "please refrain", "you might find that X would be more comfortable due to the ground", "for you confort, favor flat heels"... will go much easier with me.
[/quote]
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: LtPowers on April 04, 2014, 08:52:48 AM
Wait...is there a difference between garden party and tea time? Because I think my outfit would look very much the same either way.

I doubt it  :)  But I suspect someone invited to both styles of wedding would worry about a subtle distinction that they were missing.  ( Glove for teatime?  Sandals for garden party?  I don't know )

Garden parties are outside. Teas are usually inside.


Powers  &8^]
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: mime on April 04, 2014, 10:45:57 AM
I'm going to try to pull a few thoughts together, here and hope they're coherent on the page.

OP: your presence on this site is that of a classy and laid-back person. You know how to treat people, you know how to express yourself, and you are not quick to take offense or hold a grudge. I expect those people close enough to you to be invited to your wedding will also understand those things about you. I expect any advice given on how to dress would be recieved as friendly suggestions rather than SS demands.

In keeping with 'classy' you, though, I wouldn't include do's and don't's of wedding guest attire in your invitation. I don't recall seeing that you were planning to do that anyway.

In keeping with 'laid-back' you, I suspect your wedding website would reflect your personality and be the place (as it is for many couples) to share fun and lighthearted things about you as a couple. I think information about how to dress would absolutely be appropriate here. I also think the idea of playing dress-up for some how-to pictures would be very cute and a nice way to add personalization to the event. My main concern, and I echo other posters in this, is that what-not-to-do examples could make a guest feel like they are going to be scrutinized as making a wrong fashion choice and that a pair of bridezillas is going to judge them for not correctly suiting-up for the Big Event. I do think if you keep the approach to things like "for your comfort, bring a wrap for the dropping temp..." and "you'll be standing in the grass, so you may prefer low heels..." then the guidance would be appreciated. I know I would appreciate it.

In the interest of full disclosure: I'd appreciate help with these what-to-wear decisions myself. I really appreciate gift registries, too. I also tend to think some wedding etiquette feels stuffy, so I welcome casual and lighthearted wedding website content to balance it out.  :D
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: camlan on April 04, 2014, 10:58:08 AM
Wait...is there a difference between garden party and tea time? Because I think my outfit would look very much the same either way.

I doubt it  :)  But I suspect someone invited to both styles of wedding would worry about a subtle distinction that they were missing.  ( Glove for teatime?  Sandals for garden party?  I don't know )

Garden parties are outside. Teas are usually inside.


Powers  &8^]

For a garden party, I'd wear a hat with a large brim, so I wouldn't get too much sun. Otherwise, my outfit might be the same for both.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: camlan on April 04, 2014, 11:00:41 AM
Good Lord, I didn't even follow the attached link.

http://media.offbeatbride.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/6/files/2010/05/WearThisNotThat.jpg

Yea, I'm sending regrets.  And how come it's OK to wear a tie to the beach cookout but not the wedding?

I love this!  It's goofy and made me smile, but also understandable -- I love the combination of photo and text so it's clear why they've chosen each photo.  I'd feel very comfortable attending the wedding after seeing this link.

I liked this one because it used pop culture references. Lost vs. Real Housewives, those are two very different looks and one is much more casual then the other.

However, I want to be so very clear on this point, I was posting about the article that talked about playing dress up and showing your guests what you mean. Not the additional link to another article written by someone else on the site answering a question about conveying appropriate clothing choices that another someone else asked.

Just a word about the pop culture references--you need to know your guests.

I've heard of Lost and Real Housewives, but never seen an episode. So a reference to dress or not dress like the cast of either show would be lost on me. And who is Vince?

If the instructions were to dress like Real Housewives, for example, I'd have to go and do more research in order to figure out what to wear.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Surianne on April 04, 2014, 12:52:14 PM
Good Lord, I didn't even follow the attached link.

http://media.offbeatbride.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/6/files/2010/05/WearThisNotThat.jpg

Yea, I'm sending regrets.  And how come it's OK to wear a tie to the beach cookout but not the wedding?

I love this!  It's goofy and made me smile, but also understandable -- I love the combination of photo and text so it's clear why they've chosen each photo.  I'd feel very comfortable attending the wedding after seeing this link.

I liked this one because it used pop culture references. Lost vs. Real Housewives, those are two very different looks and one is much more casual then the other.

However, I want to be so very clear on this point, I was posting about the article that talked about playing dress up and showing your guests what you mean. Not the additional link to another article written by someone else on the site answering a question about conveying appropriate clothing choices that another someone else asked.

Just a word about the pop culture references--you need to know your guests.

I've heard of Lost and Real Housewives, but never seen an episode. So a reference to dress or not dress like the cast of either show would be lost on me. And who is Vince?

If the instructions were to dress like Real Housewives, for example, I'd have to go and do more research in order to figure out what to wear.

I interpreted the link as the pictures being the main focus of what to wear, not that you should research the pop culture jokes further.  I don't know anything about the shows or people referenced and the link seemed clear to me.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: turnip on April 04, 2014, 12:58:53 PM
Good Lord, I didn't even follow the attached link.

http://media.offbeatbride.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/6/files/2010/05/WearThisNotThat.jpg

Yea, I'm sending regrets.  And how come it's OK to wear a tie to the beach cookout but not the wedding?

I love this!  It's goofy and made me smile, but also understandable -- I love the combination of photo and text so it's clear why they've chosen each photo.  I'd feel very comfortable attending the wedding after seeing this link.

I liked this one because it used pop culture references. Lost vs. Real Housewives, those are two very different looks and one is much more casual then the other.

However, I want to be so very clear on this point, I was posting about the article that talked about playing dress up and showing your guests what you mean. Not the additional link to another article written by someone else on the site answering a question about conveying appropriate clothing choices that another someone else asked.

Just a word about the pop culture references--you need to know your guests.

I've heard of Lost and Real Housewives, but never seen an episode. So a reference to dress or not dress like the cast of either show would be lost on me. And who is Vince?

If the instructions were to dress like Real Housewives, for example, I'd have to go and do more research in order to figure out what to wear.

I interpreted the link as the pictures being the main focus of what to wear, not that you should research the pop culture jokes further.  I don't know anything about the shows or people referenced and the link seemed clear to me.

I think the HC we're trying to be a little fun and jokey, but I don't for a moment think Lost is any kind of good guideline for what to wear to a party unless the theme is "Pick ou what you would wear for a trip on an airplane, and then leave it outside in the elements for a couple of weeks for that 'stranded without modern conveniences' look."

And the Real Housewives _in_the_picture_ largely look like they are wearing lovely colorful sun dresses that I think would look great at a beach party!     That yellow or green dress with flip-flops might be exactly what I would consider wearing, regardless of the pictures on the invite.

Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: camlan on April 04, 2014, 01:30:26 PM
Good Lord, I didn't even follow the attached link.

http://media.offbeatbride.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/6/files/2010/05/WearThisNotThat.jpg

Yea, I'm sending regrets.  And how come it's OK to wear a tie to the beach cookout but not the wedding?

I love this!  It's goofy and made me smile, but also understandable -- I love the combination of photo and text so it's clear why they've chosen each photo.  I'd feel very comfortable attending the wedding after seeing this link.

I liked this one because it used pop culture references. Lost vs. Real Housewives, those are two very different looks and one is much more casual then the other.

However, I want to be so very clear on this point, I was posting about the article that talked about playing dress up and showing your guests what you mean. Not the additional link to another article written by someone else on the site answering a question about conveying appropriate clothing choices that another someone else asked.

Just a word about the pop culture references--you need to know your guests.

I've heard of Lost and Real Housewives, but never seen an episode. So a reference to dress or not dress like the cast of either show would be lost on me. And who is Vince?

If the instructions were to dress like Real Housewives, for example, I'd have to go and do more research in order to figure out what to wear.

I interpreted the link as the pictures being the main focus of what to wear, not that you should research the pop culture jokes further.  I don't know anything about the shows or people referenced and the link seemed clear to me.

Yes. But my thought line was that if only pop culture references were used, and not pictures, some of the guests might be confused.

And in the first set of pictures, the message I got from the pictures, not the text, was dull drab colors good, bright cheery colors bad.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on April 04, 2014, 02:00:03 PM
Good Lord, I didn't even follow the attached link.

http://media.offbeatbride.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/6/files/2010/05/WearThisNotThat.jpg

Yea, I'm sending regrets.  And how come it's OK to wear a tie to the beach cookout but not the wedding?

I love this!  It's goofy and made me smile, but also understandable -- I love the combination of photo and text so it's clear why they've chosen each photo.  I'd feel very comfortable attending the wedding after seeing this link.

I liked this one because it used pop culture references. Lost vs. Real Housewives, those are two very different looks and one is much more casual then the other.

However, I want to be so very clear on this point, I was posting about the article that talked about playing dress up and showing your guests what you mean. Not the additional link to another article written by someone else on the site answering a question about conveying appropriate clothing choices that another someone else asked.

Just a word about the pop culture references--you need to know your guests.

I've heard of Lost and Real Housewives, but never seen an episode. So a reference to dress or not dress like the cast of either show would be lost on me. And who is Vince?

If the instructions were to dress like Real Housewives, for example, I'd have to go and do more research in order to figure out what to wear.

I interpreted the link as the pictures being the main focus of what to wear, not that you should research the pop culture jokes further.  I don't know anything about the shows or people referenced and the link seemed clear to me.

Yes. But my thought line was that if only pop culture references were used, and not pictures, some of the guests might be confused.

And in the first set of pictures, the message I got from the pictures, not the text, was dull drab colors good, bright cheery colors bad.

I do think there could have been a better choice then Lost Vs. Real Housewives. Though I did think Couples Retreat Vs. Wedding Crashers worked pretty well in showing a difference of cute resort wear over a suit.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: StarFaerie on April 07, 2014, 02:29:17 AM
I know I'm an awful judgemental person, but did anyone else find themselves wondering why the clothes weren't ironed before the photo session and whether the happy couple were suggesting an unironed skirt was appropriate attire?
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Surianne on April 07, 2014, 04:05:34 PM
I know I'm an awful judgemental person, but did anyone else find themselves wondering why the clothes weren't ironed before the photo session and whether the happy couple were suggesting an unironed skirt was appropriate attire?

I think ironing is probably personal preference -- I don't iron my skirts/pants, because I don't like the look of pleats in my clothes, it just doesn't suit my style.  As long as they're not overly wrinkly, I don't see any reason why other people would care (though I guess you do?).
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: Jones on April 07, 2014, 04:20:39 PM
I can't recall the last time I ironed. I know I have it's just been a year or longer. I try to buy clothes that won't need it.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: HannahGrace on April 07, 2014, 04:22:30 PM
I don't own an iron.  Now that I live with my fiance, I do have access to one, but I have no idea where it is nor would I ever use it.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: StarFaerie on April 07, 2014, 05:04:00 PM
Ok. I cheerfully stand corrected then :)
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: sparksals on April 07, 2014, 05:20:51 PM
Very rude, condescending and assumes your guests don't know how to properly dress. I would decline such an event. 
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: CakeEater on April 07, 2014, 09:33:15 PM
I know I'm an awful judgemental person, but did anyone else find themselves wondering why the clothes weren't ironed before the photo session and whether the happy couple were suggesting an unironed skirt was appropriate attire?

I think ironing is probably personal preference -- I don't iron my skirts/pants, because I don't like the look of pleats in my clothes, it just doesn't suit my style.  As long as they're not overly wrinkly, I don't see any reason why other people would care (though I guess you do?).

Ironing pants doesn't require putting pleats down the front of them - it's about ironing the noticeable wrinkles out.

I'm not a lover of ironing myself and don't do it as much as possible, but I don't think we're at the point yet where ironing is just 'personal preference'. Anytime you're wanting to present yourself as looking nice, I think ironing noticeable wrinkles out of clothes is a requirement. Of course, clothes that don't wrinkle don't need to be ironed.

But presenting yourself in a 'how to dress' scenario and wearing wrinkled clothes is a bit ironic.
Title: Re: Showing guests what to wear
Post by: lady_disdain on April 07, 2014, 10:00:03 PM
Rude and condescending. The pictures address a lot that is personal style and not level of formality. "See how comfortable and happy they are?" implies that, yes, "happy" guests (aka, desirable guests) will, indeed, wear Hawaiian shirts. Calling suits "stuffy" also implies a value judgement and not a positive one, either. I know plenty of gentlemen who do wear suits to wedding who would be offended to be called stuffy, even though they would be perfectly fine with being told "wear casual clothes and sandals", without the snide remark.