Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Holidays => Topic started by: metallicafan on April 16, 2014, 10:02:54 PM

Title: Mothers Day
Post by: metallicafan on April 16, 2014, 10:02:54 PM


For quite a few years, we would go to BIL & SIL'S house because she hosts every year.   My parents live over an hour away from me, so I would go see my mom either the day before or after.  For various reasons, the last couple of years I stopped going by BIL,  and would go see my mom on the day of, and see MIL the day before.  In trying to please my mom and MIL,  I haven't been celebrating the day for MYSELF.  Honestly, mother's day is more important to me than my birthday. 

Would it be really rude and awful if I wanted to just spend mother's day with my husband and kids and see mom and MIL another day?
Thoughts, suggestions?

I feel guilty and like a bad daughter and daughter in law for entertaining the idea of not seeing either one of them on actual mother's day   :-X
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Deetee on April 16, 2014, 10:08:39 PM
This isn't an etiquette question, but a relationship question.

But to answer: It isn't rude to spend the day how you want at all.

There may be relationship ramifications, but I agree with you that mother's day is more for active mothers with young kids, than established parents who are out of the trenches. I think it is nice to acknowledge all moms, but something on another day sounds fine.

 
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: TootsNYC on April 16, 2014, 11:27:53 PM
I'd get your husband to tell his mom, "We're going to spend Mother's Day on the mother of my kids. I'll call you that day."
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Vall on April 16, 2014, 11:39:42 PM
Would it be possible to take them both out to dinner together the day before?  Or perhaps make them dinner at your home on the day before?  You could make it special and give them corsages to wear or flowers or something.  Perhaps when they leave, you can give them a card with something very special written inside telling them how much they mean to you.

Then the next day (Mother's Day) would be yours to relax and be pampered.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: TurtleDove on April 17, 2014, 06:17:45 AM
I strongly believe that actual dates do not matter, whether birthdays or holidays. What matters is that the event is celebrated. So do what you want to celebrate YOUR day, and celebrate your mom and MIL at a different time.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on April 17, 2014, 06:58:01 AM
I strongly believe that actual dates do not matter, whether birthdays or holidays. What matters is that the event is celebrated. So do what you want to celebrate YOUR day, and celebrate your mom and MIL at a different time.

I agree.  We rarely celebrate birthdays on the actual day in our family unless they do fall on a weekend, and no one really minds if Nana and Pop-Pop can't make it until a day or so after or even a week later, so long as the birthdays are acknowledged.

Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Kiara on April 17, 2014, 08:21:00 AM
I strongly believe that actual dates do not matter, whether birthdays or holidays. What matters is that the event is celebrated. So do what you want to celebrate YOUR day, and celebrate your mom and MIL at a different time.

This.  My mom gets her card and present for Mother's Day a week early every year, because there's a yarn festival we go to on the first weekend in May.  I give her money, and she always buys something she would have otherwise skipped.  So "on the day" she gets nothing.  She could care less.  As long as you're thinking about them and show it somehow, I say you're good.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Sophia on April 17, 2014, 08:54:35 AM
I understand how you feel.  I've gotten enormous pressure from my mom about Mother's Day.  I rolled with it before I had a child.  But, driving 50 miles to my parent's house is not want I want to do on Mother's Day weekend.  The compromise I've insisted on is that I will see them the weekend before or after.  But, I am not leaving home that weekend. 

My view is that my status as Mother is more important than my being a Daughter.  So, now that I am a Mother, I am claiming Mother's day for myself. 
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: metallicafan on April 17, 2014, 09:06:07 AM
Would it be possible to take them both out to dinner together the day before?  Or perhaps make them dinner at your home on the day before?  You could make it special and give them corsages to wear or flowers or something.  Perhaps when they leave, you can give them a card with something very special written inside telling them how much they mean to you.

Then the next day (Mother's Day) would be yours to relax and be pampered.

I wish I could do that.  My parents are elderly and live over an hour away from me, so it's not really feasible to take them all .  I cooked a nice dinner for my MIL last year the day before.  But, my BIL was pissed that they weren't invited also.  So now, I'm not sure I want to go through that again this year either.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: mime on April 17, 2014, 09:31:19 AM
I understand where you're coming from. I (like the PPs), don't think the exact day is as important as marking the event around that time. To my parents and my ILs, though, that DAY is important.  ::) We live within a 25 minute drive from both families, and they are within 15 minutes of each other.

For six years after college, I was working on my professional credentials and always had exams at the end of May so I skipped Mother's Day to study, and my mom understood the stress and let me put off Mothers' Day for a week. I am now reminded of that every. single. year. (It's been 11 years).

When I became a mom just over 9 years ago, I wanted to make a tradition of doing the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure for breast cancer. It was on Mother's Day in the morning. Both my mom and my MIL were not at all pleased and I gave up the race (actually, we did the 3-mile walk like most of the particpants). My mom and MIL are normally very reasonable, and this just wasn't the hill I was going to die on so I figured I'd work it into Mother's Day sometime in the future. We've only done it twice so far.

One thing I changed though, was I reached an agreement with my husband: Mother's Day was with my family (following the female family lines) and Father's Day was with his family (following the male family lines). Both families had to compromise a bit but it seems fair enough, and it eliminated half of the stress.

Side question: is it Mother's Day or Mothers' Day?
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Sophia on April 17, 2014, 10:45:18 AM
I don't see why your BIL being pissed means that you can't cook a meal for your MIL again. 
If you invited her over ON Mother's Day, then he might have a small point. 
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: TootsNYC on April 17, 2014, 11:18:47 AM
... My parents are elderly and live over an hour away from me, so it's not really feasible to take them all .  I cooked a nice dinner for my MIL last year the day before.  But, my BIL was pissed that they weren't invited also.  So now, I'm not sure I want to go through that again this year either.

I'd do whatever you want, and then say to BIL, "YOU are supposed to plan YOUR celebration of your mother. Mother's Day is not a family holiday the way Easter and Christmas and Thanksgiving are. You want to celebrate your mom? You arrange it. It's one-on-one."
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: learningtofly on April 17, 2014, 11:46:31 AM
It took a few years, but I finally claimed it for myself.  My mom is too far to visit and I make sure that cards and a present get there on time.  My family is into presents and the little things make my mom happy.  My ILs are here and at first we would all celebrate together, but then it became clear that I was an afterthought.  And then DH, DD, and I were doing what I wanted to do the night before and I thought it was ridiculous.  So now he calls his mom on Mother's Day and we send cards because we don't know if we'll make it over there.

It is completely normal to want to spend this holiday how it makes you happy as a mom.  I wouldn't mind sharing with my side of the family, but with DH's they seem to forget there is another mom there.  So we celebrate on our own.  Honor everyone else how you wish, but make the day be something you want to do.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: metallicafan on April 17, 2014, 03:06:54 PM
... My parents are elderly and live over an hour away from me, so it's not really feasible to take them all .  I cooked a nice dinner for my MIL last year the day before.  But, my BIL was pissed that they weren't invited also.  So now, I'm not sure I want to go through that again this year either.

I'd do whatever you want, and then say to BIL, "YOU are supposed to plan YOUR celebration of your mother. Mother's Day is not a family holiday the way Easter and Christmas and Thanksgiving are. You want to celebrate your mom? You arrange it. It's one-on-one."

Thank you Toots!  I feel the same, that it is not a family holiday in the same way that Christmas,  Easter, and Thanksgiving are.  The kicker is that BIL  sees his mom every year, they host. So he was going to see her on the day.  He also wouldn't have gotten out of work on time to be at my house anyway, so I was baffled as to why he was so mad.  He's not my mother or MIL!
O
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: gmatoy on April 19, 2014, 10:12:36 PM
I have loved reading the advise in this thread. I have been trying to get the members of my family to see that my DIL is "THE Mother" in our family. She is the one raising a child (the most wonderful and perfect grandchild!) and while I appreciate the gifts and cards and love giving my mother gifts and cards, still it should be all about DIL! (I love that woman and hope that she knows it!)
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: miranova on April 25, 2014, 05:10:21 PM
Unless we are talking about a parent who is single, I think that the responsibility to make sure that parent is honored falls to the spouse. Whenever I hear stories about mothers whose husbands spend more time focusing on celebrating their mother, instead of the mother of their own children, it makes me a little bit angry.

I 100% agree with you.   All mothers should be honored, and mothers with young children especially so since they are in the trenches and really need the break the most.  If their children are too young to pamper them, enter spouse.  Dh and I don't even have children together (we have a blended family) but luckily we are on the same page here.  He schemes with my children to make my Mother's Day special and I do the same for his Father's Day.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: darkprincess on April 28, 2014, 12:32:18 PM
We just took MIL out for mothers' day yesterday, which is two weeks early. She refuesed to make plans two weeks ahead and I refused to be on call on Mothers' day and miss out on celebrating myself. My mother agreed to a lunch with me and my kids/her grandkids the day before mothers' day. I already let DH and my children know what I want to do on mothers' day and they agreed to do it  :)

In the past we have done lot's of different things. Pre-kids we visited both mothers seperately on the actual day. On my first mother's day of being a mother I took the day as my own. We still made sure to visit them and celebrate with them but we don't guarantee it on Mothers' day. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. It depends on how things work with the plans DH, the kids and I have.

I believe that mothers day should focus on the person with is actively mothering minor children however mother's of AC should not be forgotten, they just might not be the first priority. When my kids have kids, mothers day should focus on them not me.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: mime on April 28, 2014, 04:36:54 PM
I have loved reading the advise in this thread. I have been trying to get the members of my family to see that my DIL is "THE Mother" in our family. She is the one raising a child (the most wonderful and perfect grandchild!) and while I appreciate the gifts and cards and love giving my mother gifts and cards, still it should be all about DIL! (I love that woman and hope that she knows it!)

If I knew your DIL, I would print this out in an instant to show her what a thoughtful MIL she has... but I don't know her, so I'll just have to hope that she already knows!

Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: JenJay on April 28, 2014, 07:20:29 PM
I know that most people view Mother's Day as a time when children honor their mother for all of her sacrifices, but I just don't see it that way. To me, Mother's Day is the day that the father of my children honors me for all the things that I do for my family. My children are little now, so of course crayon smudges on printer paper is part of the celebration, but it's still my DH's responsibility to make it happen. Unless we are talking about a parent who is single, I think that the responsibility to make sure that parent is honored falls to the spouse. Whenever I hear stories about mothers whose husbands spend more time focusing on celebrating their mother, instead of the mother of their own children, it makes me a little bit angry. Do what you like on Mother's Day. It's your day.

Amen! My kids always wish me a Happy Mother's Day but that's about it, and that's fine with me. I've got great kids who treat me with respect and love every day. As for Mother's Day, DH will get up with them (well they're older now so that's a moot point, but he did), make sure the house is picked up, fix or get dinner, etc. He spoils me, he takes over the "Mom" jobs that day so I can sit around and hang out. If he left me at home or expected me to get the kids ready and out the door so we could go honor his mom, who he hasn't lived with in over 20 years (so she's not the one doing his cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. anymore), I'd be one unhappy Momma!
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: lkb on April 29, 2014, 06:20:32 AM
I used to feel like the OP did,  especially as my birthday is around Father's Day so both Mother's Day and my birthday were spent on others. However, the year we lost both our fathers changed mme. My birthday felt so empty because two of the most important men in our lives were gone. Mothers Day is now about my MIL. I need to honor her while we still have her. My turn will come soon enough.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: HGolightly on May 03, 2014, 08:49:37 PM
My mom's birthday is close to Mother's Day so we usually made her supper and gave smaller gifts.  For years my SIL and MIL would spend the day together with their spouses and the kids for dinner out and am outing. My kids are significantly younger so when my first Mother's Day rolled around, I was not invited to join them. The next year? Excluded again. Boy was I relieved and was totally off the hook!! It really is great because I get to do my own thing! Last year DH was working and my sweet little dd (only 3 last year) wanted to buy me a nice breakfast.....at the Golden Arches place. I invited my mom to join us, my little girl was so proud because she paid (DH gave her money) and it was the best! It looks like we will do this again this year. Raising a good kid is the best part.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 03, 2014, 09:30:46 PM
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: pharmagal on May 03, 2014, 09:57:00 PM
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Just be careful you don't set yourself up for disappointment.  From what I recall, this relationship is less than a year (?) old and the child involved shouldn't be pushed into making declarations especially if they've come from a background filled with upheaval and instability.



 
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 03, 2014, 10:00:18 PM
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Just be careful you don't set yourself up for disappointment.  From what I recall, this relationship is less than a year (?) old and the child involved shouldn't be pushed into making declarations especially if they've come from a background filled with upheaval and instability.

I don't know what gave you the idea that I would push for anything.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: pharmagal on May 04, 2014, 12:50:53 AM
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Just be careful you don't set yourself up for disappointment.  From what I recall, this relationship is less than a year (?) old and the child involved shouldn't be pushed into making declarations especially if they've come from a background filled with upheaval and instability.

I don't know what gave you the idea that I would push for anything.


Your previous posts regarding your developing relationship with the child and her father are what make me say what I did.    You appear to have latched on very quickly to regarding her as almost your own, and I think it would be sad if your depth of feeling was not as reciprocated.    How would you feel if she came to you and asked for help to make her mother a Mother's Day card? 

Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: TurtleDove on May 05, 2014, 08:55:12 AM
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe. 
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Oh Joy on May 05, 2014, 09:28:51 AM
It sounds to me like it's time to open some casual dialogue with the mothers and your DH.  You can start the conversation by saying you've been giving some thought to creating meaningful traditions, and ask each person what's important to them about Mother's Day and ask how they would like to mark the holiday each year.

Sometimes we get so ingrained in our habits of what we've done or think we should do, and forget to ask ourselves these questions.  Everyone's answers (including yours and DH's) may surprise you or reveal some appealing options.

Best wishes.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: tinkytinky on May 05, 2014, 09:56:09 AM
We used to give cards/small gifts for my mom and MIL, but never did a get together type of celebration. 2 years ago, we not only had mother's day, but my younger daughter's birthday AND my oldest daughter's graduation. It was also the first one after my mom passed away. Graduation at my kid's school always falls on mother's day, so any mother's celebration takes a back seat.  :-\

DH and I have never seen mother's day/father's day as an extended family celebration (as much as MIL tried to make it one). We acknowledge(d) our parents but had our own celebration as a core family.

ETA: in answer to your question, no it isn't rude to celebrate on your own and not see either side on the day. If you plan to acknowledge them, that is all that is really needed.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: JenJay on May 05, 2014, 09:59:35 AM
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: TurtleDove on May 05, 2014, 10:13:28 AM
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

Certainly specifics matter - I just suggest being careful.  I know that should my DD's father get married, I would be offended to hear his new wife refer to my daughter as "her" daughter.  I would want them to have a loving relationship, but my daughter does not need another mother - she has me.  But then it seems my circumstances are different than what MM's are.  I just suggest using caution and being certain to consider everyone involved, that's all.

FWIW, I am married and my DD loves my husband and vice versa.  But she calls him by his first name - not Daddy or anything like that.  She has a Daddy, one who very much respects my husband and vice versa, largely because my husband is not trying to take over for my DD's father. 
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Harriet Jones on May 05, 2014, 10:28:16 AM
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

AFAIK, MM is not yet married to the father of this 6yo girl.  I appreciate that she wants to be a good mother-figure to this girl, but I think it's a bit much to expect to be celebrated as a mother on Mother's Day this year.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: JenJay on May 05, 2014, 10:29:48 AM
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

Certainly specifics matter - I just suggest being careful.  I know that should my DD's father get married, I would be offended to hear his new wife refer to my daughter as "her" daughter.  I would want them to have a loving relationship, but my daughter does not need another mother - she has me.  But then it seems my circumstances are different than what MM's are.  I just suggest using caution and being certain to consider everyone involved, that's all.

FWIW, I am married and my DD loves my husband and vice versa.  But she calls him by his first name - not Daddy or anything like that.  She has a Daddy, one who very much respects my husband and vice versa, largely because my husband is not trying to take over for my DD's father.

It's so lovely when the adults can all get along and respect each other! It was years before I found out how my parents (dad and stepmom) felt about my bio-mom because, despite all the issues, they never once said anything negative about her to me. They supported me when I decided to stop seeing her and I know they would have supported me if I'd changed my mind.

I recall once telling my stepmom how much I respected her for never bad mouthing my mom, she certainly had cause, and she said "Oh hon, I wouldn't go that far. I just never bad mouthed her to you. My sister heard about it. A lot."

I don't anticipate DH and I divorcing but I know that if my kids ever end up with step-parents there won't be any issues. He and I respect each other as parents and would never say anything nasty about the other or interfere with the other's role. Luckily our kids have 2 involved parents so there would never be any slack for anyone else to need to step in and pick up.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: HannahGrace on May 05, 2014, 11:31:43 AM
I am realizing that I am very lucky that my own mom is laid back about such things - I always call and send her a card, but it's just not a big deal one way or the other to her so I do not feel like there are huge expectations on the holiday.  I treat her well and with love every day, and to me (and her) that's what matters.

On the other hand, my fiance's mom upset him very much yesterday by calling in tears about being alone for mother's day.  She has plenty of friends and lives hundreds of miles away from us (if it matters, we live where she is from - she moved to a warmer climate a number of years ago).  In my mind, once your children are in their 20s and 30s (and you move away from the area in which they live), expecting to have them with you for mother's day is a bit much.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on May 05, 2014, 11:55:59 AM
Dh's biological father abandoned him and MIL when Dh was 7months old, so when MIL remarried and the man adopted DH, he had no problem at all thinking of FIL as "Dad". I think he was maybe 3 or four when they remarried and FIL is really great with little kids, so I don't think it took long at all for the two to take to each other.

Also a friend of mine from high school has a stepson who she sees as a son of her own and I think he calls her by her first name but does see her as a second mother.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: TurtleDove on May 05, 2014, 12:00:04 PM
Dh's biological father abandoned him and MIL when Dh was 7months old, so when MIL remarried and the man adopted DH, he had no problem at all thinking of FIL as "Dad".

I would hope not, since via adoption FIL was his Dad!
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: KimberlyM on May 05, 2014, 12:09:41 PM
It used to be that Mothers Day morning I'd host a brunch for my mom and MIL.  That worked well, my husband always helped with the cooking etc.  Then my MIL moved out of state, so she now gets a card in the mail with something little and fun.  We continued brunch with just my mom for a while, but then when talking one day we decided that instead of cooking and cleaning on Mothers Day we'd do something fun together.  So now, my mom and I go out to a ritzy champagne brunch together and they kids and dad stay at home doing whatever they want. 

Mothers Day afternoon is spent, every year, prepping and planting my garden beds.  The kids and hubby help me weed and mix in compost etc, then we all go shopping for plants, come home and plant them.  That's my gift every year.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Sophia on May 05, 2014, 01:49:39 PM
It used to be that Mothers Day morning I'd host a brunch for my mom and MIL.  That worked well, my husband always helped with the cooking etc.  Then my MIL moved out of state, so she now gets a card in the mail with something little and fun.  We continued brunch with just my mom for a while, but then when talking one day we decided that instead of cooking and cleaning on Mothers Day we'd do something fun together.  So now, my mom and I go out to a ritzy champagne brunch together and they kids and dad stay at home doing whatever they want. 

Mothers Day afternoon is spent, every year, prepping and planting my garden beds.  The kids and hubby help me weed and mix in compost etc, then we all go shopping for plants, come home and plant them.  That's my gift every year.

I am going to remember that for when DD is old enough to enjoy a brunch.  Maybe in a couple of years. 
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: guihong on May 05, 2014, 03:51:55 PM
We will be celebrating a week later, with Godzilla and dinner out  ;D.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: metallicafan on May 05, 2014, 03:54:01 PM
OP here.

I plan on seeing my mom on Wednesday,  and will give her her cards and gift.
I am hoping to go to a fabulous brunch at a great restaurant.  Not quite sure how we are going to celebrate MIL yet.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: TootsNYC on May 05, 2014, 04:18:02 PM
I know that most people view Mother's Day as a time when children honor their mother for all of her sacrifices, but I just don't see it that way. To me, Mother's Day is the day that the father of my children honors me for all the things that I do for my family. My children are little now, so of course crayon smudges on printer paper is part of the celebration, but it's still my DH's responsibility to make it happen. Unless we are talking about a parent who is single, I think that the responsibility to make sure that parent is honored falls to the spouse. Whenever I hear stories about mothers whose husbands spend more time focusing on celebrating their mother, instead of the mother of their own children, it makes me a little bit angry. Do what you like on Mother's Day. It's your day.


My husband would agree with you. And my kids are 16 and 19/20.

I personally preferred to spend Mother's Day *with* my children. I always said, "This is the day that I want to immerse myself in being Mom. Without any of the bad things; no whining, no making them do chores, no cooking, no homework, no negatives." But I didn't want to get away from them. I work enough late hours that I wanted to be with them, to really focus on them and enjoy them. To be a mother.

Going out to brunch without them would have been my idea of torture. (Esp. since everybody else is going out to brunch as well. Way too crowded for me. I wanted to stay home and have peanut-butter toast, and then take the kids to the park and teach them how to hit a baseball with a bat (back elbow up, said Mr. Larsen).
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: ladyknight1 on May 05, 2014, 06:47:57 PM
I will be camping on Mother's Day weekend this year and teaching Wilderness First Aid. I already made my mom's gift and mailed it a week early along with a card.

I have MIL's gift and card, they just need to be wrapped. We are meeting her for lunch the day after DH's birthday to celebrate her Mother's Day and his birthday at a new restaurant.

I prefer to eat at home on major holidays like Mother's Day because of the crowds. DH and DS are good cooks and I love it when they pamper me with a flower and something I enjoy.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: JenJay on May 05, 2014, 07:14:34 PM
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

AFAIK, MM is not yet married to the father of this 6yo girl.  I appreciate that she wants to be a good mother-figure to this girl, but I think it's a bit much to expect to be celebrated as a mother on Mother's Day this year.

I understand what you're saying, but knowing MM's situation and my own (as the child, not the parent) I know that MM is absolutely this little girl's mom. My parents were together for 7 or 8 years before they actually got married but my "step" mom was very much my mom from shortly after they started dating. It isn't the typical scenario, but it happens. Sometimes a biological parent decides to check out and when that happens, and there is a willing and able step-parent in the picture, it's awesome for that person to assume the role!  :)
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Harriet Jones on May 05, 2014, 07:30:43 PM
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

AFAIK, MM is not yet married to the father of this 6yo girl.  I appreciate that she wants to be a good mother-figure to this girl, but I think it's a bit much to expect to be celebrated as a mother on Mother's Day this year.

I understand what you're saying, but knowing MM's situation and my own (as the child, not the parent) I know that MM is absolutely this little girl's mom. My parents were together for 7 or 8 years before they actually got married but my "step" mom was very much my mom from shortly after they started dating. It isn't the typical scenario, but it happens. Sometimes a biological parent decides to check out and when that happens, and there is a willing and able step-parent in the picture, it's awesome for that person to assume the role!  :)

I appreciate where you're coming from, but MM has only known this girl since approximately September of last year, according to one of her posts (http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=130122.msg3019080#msg3019080)
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: JenJay on May 05, 2014, 07:53:48 PM
I'm almost with your Millionaire Maria.  I think it's something that is passed on just like deferential treatment to parents is.  Until I was on my own, I deferred to my parents.  As I began to date someone seriously and to build my own family, I stop deferring to my parents as much and deferred to my partner instead.  Now that I am about to be married, I defer only to DF.  I think that Mother's Day and Father's day are quite the same.  I did not have a six year old last year nor a father to a child I was raising.  I would have celebrated my father if not for him being dead.  This year, I will celebrate my DF because he is the father of my child.  This year, I will honor my mother, but I hope to be celebrated myself.

Did you adopt DF's child or do you have your own child?  If neither of these but you are engaged to someone with a child, please be very careful referring to that child as "my child" and expecting that the child celebrate you as her mother.  It can be offensive to her biological mother and hurtful to the child, who may be put in a position of feeling disloyal to her actual mother.  Love her, and let her have a solid loving relationship with you but please don't force a "this is *my* child" vibe.

From previous posts I think MM's stepdaughter's mom is not really around and the little girl doesn't have a healthy relationship with her. MM has happily stepped in to offer a "Mother" figure and DD has embraced her as such. I was in the exact same position and my "step" mom is 100% my mom and honored as such. I do have a good relationship with my bio-mom now that I'm an adult, but that wasn't the case until I was probably 25. I agree that MM shouldn't force herself into a mom role, but if DD needs her to be a mom she definitely shouldn't back off and encourage DD to seek out her bio mom instead. For some kids that kind of (well intentioned) distance would just leave them with no mom at all. My stepmom always referred to me as her daughter, no further explanation necessary, and it meant the world to me.

AFAIK, MM is not yet married to the father of this 6yo girl.  I appreciate that she wants to be a good mother-figure to this girl, but I think it's a bit much to expect to be celebrated as a mother on Mother's Day this year.

I understand what you're saying, but knowing MM's situation and my own (as the child, not the parent) I know that MM is absolutely this little girl's mom. My parents were together for 7 or 8 years before they actually got married but my "step" mom was very much my mom from shortly after they started dating. It isn't the typical scenario, but it happens. Sometimes a biological parent decides to check out and when that happens, and there is a willing and able step-parent in the picture, it's awesome for that person to assume the role!  :)

I appreciate where you're coming from, but MM has only known this girl since approximately September of last year, according to one of her posts (http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=130122.msg3019080#msg3019080)

I guess I don't understand what you're trying to say? (I don't know how to say what I mean without it sounding snarky which is absolutely not my intent)

MM lives with this family and is the only mom in this little girl's life. I don't see any harm in MM secretly hoping to be honored on Mother's Day by a little girl she is full time mothering. Maybe if the bio-mom was around and MM just saw her part time, sure, I'd say give it a couple of years, if ever. Some step kids & parents never form that close a bond and that's okay too. DH didn't start buying his step-mom MD cards until he met me and noticed that I acknowledged both of my moms. They had a good relationship, it just hadn't occurred to him until then.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that nobody should feel pressured to do more than they're comfortable with, but at the same time nobody should hold back out of fear of offending other people if that bond is there.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Harriet Jones on May 05, 2014, 08:59:32 PM
I think it's a bit much to expect to be celebrated as someone's "mom" if you've only been in their life for 6 or 7 months.  If the little girl already feels that close to MM, fine, but I don't think she should force the issue.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: pharmagal on May 06, 2014, 01:59:01 AM
Which is back to my original point of not getting her hopes up and being disappointed.
Title: Re: Mothers Day
Post by: Mental Magpie on May 06, 2014, 04:05:24 PM
First, this thread is not about me, and I should be able to post a slight hope without the thread devolving into inaccurate speculation.  Notice I said "hope", not great desire, need, nor expectation.

Speaking of speculation, I think it is a great leap from reading any of my posts to think I would be forcing anything on anyone.  What exactly do you think I'm doing?  Standing over the child and making her repeat after me?  "You are my mother, you are my only mother, I am your daughter, no one else is your daughter, resistance is futile."

Second, since someone is keen on quoting my old posts, notice the one in which I said that I had purposefully skewed the timeline for personal reasons.  I have known DF and Six for more almost two years, and I have been in the mothering role for over a year.

Third, while I appreciate your point of view, TurtleDove, you and I had a discussion in another thread about how we looked at the situation of the relationship differently.  It was obvious we disagreed in that thread, so I am not sure why you felt the need to bring up the same subject again in this one.

Fourth and finally, what any of you know of my relationship and situation is from posts here and there.  Please give me the courtesy of refraining from speculation when you do not know the full situation.  Ask, please, but do not make assumptions then try to base misguided advice based on those assumptions.

If anyone would like to discuss this further, please feel free to PM me.  Please discontinue the threadjack.