Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Dating => Topic started by: diesel_darlin on April 25, 2014, 12:40:41 AM

Title: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: diesel_darlin on April 25, 2014, 12:40:41 AM
I am recently divorced.  Earlier, I was at a ladies supper held by the ladies ministry of my church. The hostess was asking me if my divorce was final, and I told her yes it was. She immediately started in on how she had the most wonderful guy for me and she wanted me to meet him. What is an ehell approved way of telling people that I'm not in the market to be "hooked up"?
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: PastryGoddess on April 25, 2014, 02:16:05 AM
This happens to me all of the time.  Apparently being 30ish with no long term boyfriend is a sin...or something. ::)

I just say "Thank you, but I'm not interested" and keep repeating over and over and over again. 

Here's the thing, they're not doing you a favor.  And if you try to explain things, then that just gives them the idea that they have a right to poke into your private life.  And they don't.  So don't JADE, just say no thanks.  If someone gets miffed, it's on them. Them being mad doesn't make you wrong. 
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: greencat on April 25, 2014, 04:36:18 AM
"I'm not on the market, right now, but thanks for thinking of me."  This method, of course, presumes that you're dealing with someone reasonable.

"Tell me all about him...Oh he's a smoker/cat hater/alien abductee?  No thanks, I don't date guys like that."  When dealing with the type of unreasonable person that starts this kind of conversation in the first place, this is the way that I usually shut down individual conversations of this nature, after which I avoid the busybody like the plague. 
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: Stricken_Halo on April 25, 2014, 05:01:06 AM
These are good responses, along with "I'm not ready to date again" if you're recently divorced/getting over a difficult breakup.

But I'm going to dissent a bit from previous posters. Unless the person making the "offer" is really intrusive as a habit, or tries to fix you up with really undesirable types, I personally wouldn't shut her (it's generally a "her) down for good. The time may come when you actually want someone in your life, and friends and relatives generally have a good idea of who you are. I'm at the age when no one even bothers any more, and that can be painful too.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: TurtleDove on April 25, 2014, 06:27:09 AM
I would be gracious. Smile and say, "Oh, how sweet of you to think of me but I'm not interested in being set up." Don't get angry or sad. Show you are happy without being set up. Just smile and move the conversation in another direction.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: Lorelei_Evil on April 25, 2014, 07:33:38 AM
I'm retired from the dating Scene, but thanks for thinking of me.

Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: z_squared82 on April 25, 2014, 08:48:09 AM
“I’m sorry, I’m not ready to date again. Should I become ready, I will let you know.”

Perhaps throw in there something about grieving for the loss of your marriage, because, really, you probably are grieving, and if you were a widow, would she be thrusting this upon you? Some people.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: TurtleDove on April 25, 2014, 08:58:18 AM
“I’m sorry, I’m not ready to date again. Should I become ready, I will let you know.”

Perhaps throw in there something about grieving for the loss of your marriage, because, really, you probably are grieving, and if you were a widow, would she be thrusting this upon you? Some people.

I would actually advise against giving any of this additional information, because who knows - at some point the OP may want to date again.  That doesn't mean she wants to be set up.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: catwhiskers on April 25, 2014, 12:18:02 PM
Perhaps throw in there something about grieving for the loss of your marriage, because, really, you probably are grieving, and if you were a widow, would she be thrusting this upon you?

I am a widow. Sadly, some people really are that clueless.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: bah12 on April 25, 2014, 12:21:25 PM
I would just say "thank you for thinking of me, but I am not interested in being set up."

I've always disliked the set up and never agreed to it.  Just say the above as many times as you have to.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: veronaz on April 25, 2014, 12:26:14 PM
OP, I feel your pain.  At least she was upfront about what she was doing.

I used to get into situations where someone would pointedly bring their nephew, friend, etc. up to me, introduce us, then walk away to “give us time to get acquainted”.  Ugh.  I hated that.  Everyone would be watching us waiting to see the blossoming of love.   ::)
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: DavidH on April 25, 2014, 12:38:50 PM
If you think she means well and is a generally reasonable person, then I think you say something along the lines of thank you for thinking of me, but I'm just not ready to date yet.  I'm sure he's a great guy, but I just need some time.  If you feel like it and would be interested in the future, you can add, I'll let you know when I'm ready.

If she is not reasonable, then a more blunt, thank you for thinking of me, but I'm just not interested in being set up should politely shut it down.

Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: sweetonsno on April 25, 2014, 12:55:32 PM
I'll be watching this thread with interest, because I run into the same problem.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: MrTango on April 25, 2014, 01:08:47 PM
I am recently divorced.  Earlier, I was at a ladies supper held by the ladies ministry of my church. The hostess was asking me if my divorce was final, and I told her yes it was. She immediately started in on how she had the most wonderful guy for me and she wanted me to meet him. What is an ehell approved way of telling people that I'm not in the market to be "hooked up"?

I think you'd be just fine to say exactly the bolded.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: veronaz on April 25, 2014, 01:50:35 PM
Even if you say "Oh, no thanks, I recently met someone" (whether that's true or not), people immediately want to know details and ask when they're going to meet the mysterious person.  So that doesn't solve the problem, especially if no such person exists.

If someone has expressed interest in meeting a particular person (male or female), okay, that might be fine.  Even better if both have expressed interest.  But to try to force two people to be a couple just because they're unattached is.....ugh.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: diesel_darlin on April 25, 2014, 06:29:57 PM
Thanks everyone for your replies! This person is a "her", and she is quite the busy body. The thing is, I just flat out don't trust anyone to set me up! I have in the past, and it's like people have dug up the worst possible people to be my potential "suitors". All your replies have been wonderful and I will apply some of each of them!  ;D
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: greencat on April 25, 2014, 06:52:01 PM
Thanks everyone for your replies! This person is a "her", and she is quite the busy body. The thing is, I just flat out don't trust anyone to set me up! I have in the past, and it's like people have dug up the worst possible people to be my potential "suitors". All your replies have been wonderful and I will apply some of each of them!  ;D

It does so often seem like this particular type of busy-body's only qualification for potential dates for others is that, possibly, the guy (or more rarely, the girl) is single!  Sometimes they don't even check that part out very well...
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: veronaz on April 25, 2014, 07:00:55 PM
A pulse also seems to be an instant qualification.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: chibichan on April 25, 2014, 07:35:38 PM
Deflect her with a smile and a few snappy comebacks . Let her know that you have no intention of taking her seriously .

Thank you , but I'm currently in a long term committed rel@tionship with chocolate .

When I had a cat : My cat and I have an agreement . I don't date - he doesn't pee in my shoes while I'm sleeping.

In response to

"We need to find you a man ." : Just find me his wallet . That's the only part I really want right now .

"You should have a boyfriend ." : And you should have a puppy! I'll bring a few to your house this evening for you to choose from . What time is good for you ?

My dear lady , only my mother is allowed to intrude that far into my personal life and even she only has a 25% success rate .

As for the statement in the title of the post -

"I know someone who would be great for you! " : I already have my eye on someone - Okay , it's Johnny Depp , but as soon as he dumps that Amber woman , he's all mine . And believe me , I'll wait until he comes to his senses .

Finding a boyfriend is like choosing lingerie - we'd all prefer to do it ourselves .
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: veronaz on April 25, 2014, 08:02:10 PM
Quote
My cat and I have an agreement . I don't date - he doesn't pee in my shoes while I'm sleeping.

 ;D  ;D
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: PastryGoddess on April 25, 2014, 08:04:22 PM
Finding a boyfriend is like choosing lingerie - we'd all prefer to do it ourselves .

I'm stealing this
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: diesel_darlin on April 25, 2014, 08:05:20 PM
Lol veronaz I tell people all the time that I'm in a relationship with 2 cats! Chibichan, eating Chinese food is dangerous while reading yours and veronaz posts!  :P

I've been set up with convicted felons, drug addicts, and guys who don't believe in proper dental or body hygiene.  I'm just flat out leery.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: veronaz on April 25, 2014, 08:22:43 PM
Quote
I've been set up with convicted felons, drug addicts, and guys who don't believe in proper dental or body hygiene. 

I also try to steer clear of men who:
- don't believe in staying employed for more than 3 months at a time
- have been in transition for years.....living with mom/dad/sister/auntie
- are anxious to take me to their church and save me from myself
- kinda lied about not being married
- haven't had a bank account in years because they 'haven't had time' to open one


Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: aussie_chick on April 25, 2014, 08:47:10 PM
I agree with others. A bright smile and "thank you for thinking of me however i'm not interested" is all you need to say.

I used to have a friend who was fixated with finding me a man. We would go to the local pub together for a drink and she knew everyone (her town not mine) and would try and thrust me together with a guy. The trouble was she picked the worst of the worst every time. I had no idea what she was trying to insinuate!

The last time we went out to the pub, she tried to force me to talk to a guy at the bar next to us. He had vomit down his shirt, his fly was open, shoe laces undone, and very very stinky!

I asked friend if she thought that was what I was worth and all she could say was that I was a snob. We're not friends anymore...
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: LifeOnPluto on April 26, 2014, 11:43:30 PM

I asked friend if she thought that was what I was worth and all she could say was that I was a snob. We're not friends anymore...

And yet, if you asked her if SHE would fancy dating a man who'd puked on himself and stank to high heaven, I wonder what she'd say...?


On topic, OP, I think you're fine in saying "He may indeed be great for me, but I'm not in the frame of mind to date right now, and I assure you that currently, I would not be 'great' for him."
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: diesel_darlin on April 27, 2014, 05:16:18 PM
Aussie_chick, did your friend move to America?  ;D

I'm interested in finding someone new, just on my terms, not anyone else's. I tend to find out what my friends seem to really think of me when I see what they want to hook me up with.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: HorseFreak on April 27, 2014, 05:37:36 PM
I'm facing this at work, though I have never been married and I'm in my early 30's. My coworkers seem to think pulse + vaguely interested + likes animals = true wuv!!! They also like suggesting setting me up with someone they go to church with (I'm not religious) and are involved in other pastimes common in the South that I do not find attractive in the least as a Northerner here for the weather.

In response to my statement that there will be no encouraging a client who's getting flirty I was told my eggs are drying up and I should give him a chance. The whole thing is just so patronizing it makes me rather angry. Not to mention I've been loosely involved with someone for 3.5 years now.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: diesel_darlin on April 28, 2014, 12:24:15 AM
I'm in my early 30's too. I feel your pain on the eggs drying up comments.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: whiterose on April 28, 2014, 06:42:47 AM
Most annoying one was when a colleague said that her grandson had just graduated college and landed a job. Another colleague shot me a look and said my name- the implication, of course, was that I could date this young man. After all, I was single. If the young man resembled his grandmother, he would be the total opposite of my type (avoiding specifics here).

Also, being told "aren't opposites supposed to attract?" when the person either lacks something I seek for in a mate and I do have, or person is totally overall into things I have zero interest in.

Just say "no thanks- not at this time"- especially if the person is pushy.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: Lorelei_Evil on April 28, 2014, 08:15:25 AM
I'm facing this at work, though I have never been married and I'm in my early 30's. My coworkers seem to think pulse + vaguely interested + likes animals = true wuv!!! They also like suggesting setting me up with someone they go to church with (I'm not religious) and are involved in other pastimes common in the South that I do not find attractive in the least as a Northerner here for the weather.

In response to my statement that there will be no encouraging a client who's getting flirty I was told my eggs are drying up and I should give him a chance. The whole thing is just so patronizing it makes me rather angry. Not to mention I've been loosely involved with someone for 3.5 years now.

Ah, the "you're running out of time and can't afford to be choosy" argument.  Also known as, he's got a pulse, what's your problem. 

Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: Octavia on April 28, 2014, 07:50:04 PM
No thanks, I've become the man I used to want to marry!   ;)
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: diesel_darlin on April 29, 2014, 01:42:37 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: Raintree on April 30, 2014, 01:06:45 AM
When I was in my early 30's, I was quite anxious to find someone. I didn't. (Apart from some dating arrangements that would last 2-5 years and fade out).

Amazingly enough, the world didn't come to an end. I am here and liking my life the way it is and if someone came along, great, but I'm not agonizing about it.

But as my anxiety about "finding someone" faded out, the "Why don't you try on-line dating? Haven't you met any nice men in that (social group) of yours yet?" questions became even more annoying.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: diesel_darlin on April 30, 2014, 09:57:32 AM
EXACTLY. And with one failed marriage behind me, the questions keep getting more and more invasive and irritating.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: spookycatlady on April 30, 2014, 11:21:28 AM
I'm recently separated and the offers have already started.  I've only *just* started wearing mascara on a regular basis again (being mostly confident that I can leave the house without crying.)

For the close friend, I said "Is he looking for a hot mess that cries during sitcoms?  How about someone who is self medicating with pastry?  So not ready."

For the acquaintence, "I'm not ready to date."  And it became cut and paste.  After the 3rd attempt, I said, "I'm not ready.  Stop offering.  Please and thank you."
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: siamesecat2965 on April 30, 2014, 01:08:06 PM
Thanks everyone for your replies! This person is a "her", and she is quite the busy body. The thing is, I just flat out don't trust anyone to set me up! I have in the past, and it's like people have dug up the worst possible people to be my potential "suitors". All your replies have been wonderful and I will apply some of each of them!  ;D

It does so often seem like this particular type of busy-body's only qualification for potential dates for others is that, possibly, the guy (or more rarely, the girl) is single!  Sometimes they don't even check that part out very well...

I see you've met my mom's BFF, aka my second mom. She's tried that a couple of times, one was a disaster, the other, well, her daughter helped me weasel out!  I've told my mom I think she thinks of me as her third daughter she needs to marry off!

One Easter, when my folks and I were at their house, she just happened to mention that the son of a friend was home for Easter, and perhaps after we ate her one daughter and I could "take a walk over" so I could meet him!!!! Don't know if his mom was in on the plot, if he even had a clue, and knew absolutely nothing about him, aside from the fact both he and I were single. I don't know, maybe he prefers men to women, maybe he's dating someone, or maybe he's simply not interested. for whatever reason.

Thankfully, her daughter felt my pain, and we managed to divert her attention elsewhere.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: siamesecat2965 on April 30, 2014, 01:08:49 PM
Finding a boyfriend is like choosing lingerie - we'd all prefer to do it ourselves .

I'm stealing this

As am I.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: jedikaiti on April 30, 2014, 03:54:57 PM
Finding a boyfriend is like choosing lingerie - we'd all prefer to do it ourselves .

I'm stealing this

As am I.

Of course, when you DO want help, suddenly the people you know don't know anybody...
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: z_squared82 on April 30, 2014, 03:59:25 PM

Of course, when you DO want help, suddenly the people you know don't know anybody...

Yeah...this is my problem. In my 30s, looking, and no one I know knows any single men my age. That's the problem in my area when you don't marry your high school (or college) sweetheart.

But still, if you aren't looking, Thanks but no thanks, should be good enough. People who harp on the issue are kind of awful.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: daen on May 01, 2014, 08:09:51 AM

Of course, when you DO want help, suddenly the people you know don't know anybody...

Yeah...this is my problem. In my 30s, looking, and no one I know knows any single men my age. That's the problem in my area when you don't marry your high school (or college) sweetheart.

But still, if you aren't looking, Thanks but no thanks, should be good enough. People who harp on the issue are kind of awful.

That was  sort of my issue, too. I never met any single men my age in my area. I told people I was open to being set up, but no one ever did. So then I went online, and met my now-husband.   We later discovered that we had three or four friends in common, none of whom ever thought to introduce us. 

(Granted, at the time one of these friends was in regular contact with both of us, I was fourteen and my now-husband was twenty, so it would have been a bit early).
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: siamesecat2965 on May 01, 2014, 09:48:42 AM
Yup. At age 48, many of my "local" friends are anywhere from 7-10 years younger than me, and either married or don't know any one who's single. that would be suitable.  So if I ever want to explore that avenue, its going to be online.
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: Ms_Cellany on May 01, 2014, 11:21:01 AM

 ... We later discovered that we had three or four friends in common, none of whom ever thought to introduce us. 


When The Sweetie and I started dating, many of our friends said, "Wow - we never would have thought of putting the two of you together. But y'know - it works."
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: Texas Mom on May 24, 2014, 08:47:42 PM
DD got a call from a married friend Suzy, (wife of former co-worker Joe) a couple of weeks ago.  Suzy has tried for several years to find a quality guy for DD, but things have never worked out, due to time and distance considerations.

Suzy excitedly told her about a young man who would be "perfect" for her.  He is friends with another former co-worker Sam, and works at the college where DD is going to grad school.   Then she described him.

DD said she ROFL!   Suzy asked what was so funny!  She told her she's known Mr. Perfect for 9 years & they're talking about seeing where things go once she gets to GradSchool.

Suzy was thrilled that she got one (potentially) right!
Title: Re: I know someone who would be great for you!
Post by: diesel_darlin on May 24, 2014, 08:57:01 PM
Fingers crossed for your DD! Way to go Suzy!  ;)