Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Techno-quette => Topic started by: Mergatroyd on May 10, 2014, 06:22:20 PM

Title: The FB no-reply
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 10, 2014, 06:22:20 PM
On thursday I sent out several (5+) private messages on facebook to people I was thinking of, and hadn't spoken to in a while. FB tells me that they viewed the messages, yet not a single one has replied, commented, or otherwise acknowledged they received the messages.

Is there any way to bring this up beyond a passive agressive "Gee does nobody know how to respond to a private message anymore?" status post? I am more annoyed than hurt, but I'd like to make it known somehow that it isn't ok with me.
Advice?
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TeamBhakta on May 10, 2014, 06:26:50 PM
It would be rude of you to "make it known somehow that it isn't ok with me." Not to be hurtful, but maybe they no longer want to keep contact with you. Pushing those old friends may result in them blocking you or begrudingly adding you to their friends list, but setting their pages so you really can't see or contribute anything.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 10, 2014, 06:33:15 PM
Oh, I should clarify- they ARE on my friends list and have been for years. They were not friend requests.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TeamBhakta on May 10, 2014, 06:39:18 PM
Since you're currently on their friends list, then maybe they like you enough to keep you on the list but not enough to chat. Just like I keep a certain relative on my friend list out of politeness, but I really don't want to engage with her
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: LB on May 10, 2014, 06:45:46 PM
I have sent follow up messages before just asking if they've seen my message yet. Sometimes people check FB so often, they see a message, make a note to respond and then move on to something else and forget.

FB is very casual communication. Maybe a phone call would get a faster response for you.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TurtleDove on May 10, 2014, 06:46:05 PM
I am on Facebook pretty frequently, but often on my phone. If I have something to respond to that will take some time and effort, I might wait until I am at a computer. Same for this site! Yes, one can respond from their phone (as I am doing now) but sometimes it is preferable to wait until one has a computer and keyboard.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: sammycat on May 10, 2014, 06:51:47 PM
Sometimes I read the messages on my phone but as I hate typing out long responses on my phone I leave the replies until I'm able to use my laptop. Unfortunately I then sometimes forget to reply.... So it's not a case of my not wanting to respond/keep in touch it's a case of being forgetful. This may have happened with some of the messages in the OP.

 I've also had a few cases where I've received emails/texts/fb messages and started to mentally compose a reply for when I do have time to respond, then think I have actually responded and discovered days or weeks later that it was still literally all in my mind, so I've quickly sent off an apology along with the reply to the initial message. As it was only a few days ago that the messages were sent I wouldn't get too upset just yet.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 10, 2014, 06:58:42 PM
Since you're currently on their friends list, then maybe they like you enough to keep you on the list but not enough to chat. Just like I keep a certain relative on my friend list out of politeness, but I really don't want to engage with her

That makes me sad. I've always been very picky about who I add to my fb account, if they don't wish to engage with me then I would rather they not be on there.
I have sent follow up messages before just asking if they've seen my message yet. Sometimes people check FB so often, they see a message, make a note to respond and then move on to something else and forget.

FB is very casual communication. Maybe a phone call would get a faster response for you.
If I didn't have to call long distance/international, then yes it would be easier/faster.
I am on Facebook pretty frequently, but often on my phone. If I have something to respond to that will take some time and effort, I might wait until I am at a computer. Same for this site! Yes, one can respond from their phone (as I am doing now) but sometimes it is preferable to wait until one has a computer and keyboard.

How long would it take though? I understand people are busy, which is why I waited till Saturday evening before getting annoyed.

Sometimes I read the messages on my phone but as I hate typing out long responses on my phone I leave the replies until I'm able to use my laptop. Unfortunately I then sometimes forget to reply.... So it's not a case of my not wanting to respond/keep in touch it's a case of being forgetful. This may have happened with some of the messages in the OP.

 I've also had a few cases where I've received emails/texts/fb messages and started to mentally compose a reply for when I do have time to respond, then think I have actually responded and discovered days or weeks later that it was still literally all in my mind, so I've quickly sent off an apology along with the reply to the initial message. As it was only a few days ago that the messages were sent I wouldn't get too upset just yet.

Thank you
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TurtleDove on May 10, 2014, 07:02:02 PM
I am only at a computer Monday through Friday, but that's at work. So I would wait until Monday at least!
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Ceallach on May 10, 2014, 07:06:39 PM
I am on Facebook pretty frequently, but often on my phone. If I have something to respond to that will take some time and effort, I might wait until I am at a computer. Same for this site! Yes, one can respond from their phone (as I am doing now) but sometimes it is preferable to wait until one has a computer and keyboard.

Ditto!   For both Facebook and here.

Which means there have been times I've taken awhile to reply to a message or email because I forget once I get to the PC.   It's not personal, and if one of my friends got snippy about it I would see that as a reflection of their own insecurities not anything I had done.  (Unless there was an urgent question or similar in the request that required an immediate response).
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: shhh its me on May 10, 2014, 07:23:37 PM
  No vaguebooking!  *posting a vague complaint  on Facebook ie I hate it when people agree to met you at 5 and show up at 6.*

I might try again, I may call , I may decide the friendship has faded.

I know its not fun and annoying to feel ignored but I don't think its actually rude to not reply to a message. It can be inconsiderate and hurtful.  Communication has become instantaneous ,24/7, inexpensive/free, anytime you have the whim and the world isn't obligated to be available for our whims. *general our*  I think while it may have been rude at one point to not reply to a letter the new nature of how and when we "write" to each other  has changed the rules.
 http://books.google.com/books?id=oQ0RAAAAQBAJ&pg=PA77&lpg=PA77&dq=miss+manners+,+replying+to+letters+,+messages&source=bl&ots=-K4B-gUdgK&sig=_F_Zt-BxaHAS032Bcfh2oQ-dKSU&hl=en&sa=X&ei=37puU7zxEJCayATwrYD4Ag&ved=0CFYQ6AEwBw#v=onepage&q=miss%20manners%20%2C%20replying%20to%20letters%20%2C%20messages&f=false

 Keeping up correspondence has to be considered in "total relationship" context , do they often not call/message back? Do you socialize in other ways?  Was it a "Hey , whats up?"  or " I really need to talk about  X "message?  Would you still be upset with the one who didn't  if 4/5 replied? With only "A message was not answered" it hard to say....Maybe you message too much , maybe you're friends are "phone people" , maybe the message didn't seem to need a reply , maybe they all had a bad day at the same time, maybe your Facebook messed up, maybe you're not that close of friends.   

After you consider your relationship and how important this one thing was to you, if you're still hurt I think you can express your feelings privately

Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: sparksals on May 10, 2014, 07:32:27 PM
Unless I can give a quick reply, I wait until I'm on my computer to respond to messages.  It is just easier to type from my laptop or desktop.  I wouldn't take it personally.  People are busy and they will respond when they get a chance. 


I was out of town last weekend and didn't get a chance to respond to messages until Wednesday.   I don't think the average person expects a fast response or an immediate one either.



Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: veronaz on May 10, 2014, 07:47:05 PM
First of all, Thursday wasnít all that long ago.  Two days.

Secondly, people donít always reply to messages.  They just donít.  For whatever reasons or for no reason.  FB is not as important to some people as it is to others.  Maybe sending FB messages to five people and waiting for them to reply then getting annoyed when they donít reply as quickly as youíd like is a bit much.

You asked for advice.  I think you need to let it go.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Library Dragon on May 10, 2014, 07:48:41 PM
The FB "seen" notice isn't always reliable.  I will have my browser open and FB open in a tab.  I may be away from desk for hours. When I return DH will have sent a message and then a testy message about not responding.  FB says my message was seen even if I haven't read it yet.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Surianne on May 10, 2014, 08:17:44 PM
Do you mean Thursday, May 8th?  That was 2 days ago so I'm not sure what the problem is -- Facebook is a very informal way of communicating so if it's urgent, I think phoning or emailing would be a better choice.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: HannahGrace on May 10, 2014, 08:20:33 PM
The FB "seen" notice isn't always reliable.  I will have my browser open and FB open in a tab.  I may be away from desk for hours. When I return DH will have sent a message and then a testy message about not responding.  FB says my message was seen even if I haven't read it yet.

Agree.  I have had messages in group threads on FB where it said "everyone has read this message" and I had never seen it before... so I would not assume anything about what FB says about whether a person has seen your message.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 10, 2014, 09:05:28 PM
Well, after reading all these replies, I think I will give them all the benefit of the doubt and wait a week before deciding I am being ignored. Thank you. I do not often message people so I was a bit bewildered that none of the people messaged back. Some of these people are people I have spoken to recently, others I have not heard from in a while and was concerned about. I would have been quite happy with a smilie or a doing fine thanks message in reply, my messages did not require a vast in detail answer. Thanks for the food for thought!
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: JenJay on May 10, 2014, 09:21:17 PM
I have sent follow up messages before just asking if they've seen my message yet. Sometimes people check FB so often, they see a message, make a note to respond and then move on to something else and forget.

FB is very casual communication. Maybe a phone call would get a faster response for you.

I'm guilty of that. I'll see that I have a message somewhere (Facebook PM, text, email, etc.) and think "I should check that real quick" even if I can't respond just then. Sometimes I forget to respond for several hours, maybe even a day or two as the message gets pushed down by new ones.  :-\
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: CakeEater on May 11, 2014, 12:20:27 AM
Well, after reading all these replies, I think I will give them all the benefit of the doubt and wait a week before deciding I am being ignored. Thank you. I do not often message people so I was a bit bewildered that none of the people messaged back. Some of these people are people I have spoken to recently, others I have not heard from in a while and was concerned about. I would have been quite happy with a smilie or a doing fine thanks message in reply, my messages did not require a vast in detail answer. Thanks for the food for thought!

I'll tell you what happens with me sometimes. I get a message from you who I haven't spoken to in quite a while, and while your message doesn't *require* a long response, I feel like I should give a long response, because, you know, it's been a while. But I don't have the message writing energy/time/whatever to write a long response, and so I put it off, and the longer I leave it, the worse I feel about not writing the message, and so the longer I put it off again.

I have issues, obviously.  ::) :)
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: aussie_chick on May 11, 2014, 04:10:48 AM
I am only at a computer Monday through Friday, but that's at work. So I would wait until Monday at least!

I agree with this and also previous posts about people finding it easier to reply to a message on a computer.

I will reply to short messages on my phone, but if someone sent me a lovely facebook message saying they were thinking of me and asking how I was, I would probably wait until I had the time to think clearly, give the response the time and consideration it deserved, and then reply from a computer.

And sometimes, people read the messages in a hurry on their phone and then forget about them.

They will either remember them eventually and get back to you Op or they won't but I don't think there's anything you can say.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: CityGirlInCowboyBoots on May 11, 2014, 09:08:23 AM
I've also had it happen at times that I typed and hit the send button on a reply and only find out a couple of days later that it didn't go through after all. I actually had that happen within the last couple of weeks even.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Lula on May 11, 2014, 04:48:12 PM
Well, after reading all these replies, I think I will give them all the benefit of the doubt and wait a week before deciding I am being ignored. Thank you. I do not often message people so I was a bit bewildered that none of the people messaged back. Some of these people are people I have spoken to recently, others I have not heard from in a while and was concerned about. I would have been quite happy with a smilie or a doing fine thanks message in reply, my messages did not require a vast in detail answer. Thanks for the food for thought!

I'll tell you what happens with me sometimes. I get a message from you who I haven't spoken to in quite a while, and while your message doesn't *require* a long response, I feel like I should give a long response, because, you know, it's been a while. But I don't have the message writing energy/time/whatever to write a long response, and so I put it off, and the longer I leave it, the worse I feel about not writing the message, and so the longer I put it off again.

I have issues, obviously.  ::) :)

I have the same issues.  I also have horrible social anxiety, and I'm afraid the conversation will lead to the dreaded "want to get together sometime and catch up?" or the even-more-dreaded "what are you doing this weekend?"  Multiply the dread by 100 if the sender is a single male.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: F_L_O on May 12, 2014, 11:41:44 AM
Ugh! I hate to get "called out" that "I know you've seen this". My step-son did this to me the other day, when he messaged me a question. Yes, I'd seen it and hadn't replied, but it was because it was the exact same message he'd sent me two days ago (same word misspelled and all!) so I didn't reply because I assumed FB somehow re-sent it by mistake.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: bah12 on May 12, 2014, 12:03:39 PM
This is the problem with read-receipts...i.e. FB telling you that someone has read your message.

You wrote a message and that's very kind, but to put some sort of time clock on your friends to respond, I think, is expecting too much.  Like others have said, if I read the message on my phone (which is pretty much most of the time), I might not respond right away...and I get busy with general life stuff and sometimes I just forget.  Having someone on the other end saying "It's been three days and she hasn't responded, how rude!" just irritates me more. 

I also don't think that every message warrants a response, or even an acknowledgement.  If I'm asked a specific question, that I can quickly answer like "Did you get the promotion?"..."yes! Thanks for asking!" that's one thing, but if I get a general. "Thinking of you, how are you doing?" I might have to wait until I have time to chat or can give the answer that is more than just the curt "Fine, thanks."   Some messages, I just don't respond to.  Not because I don't like the person, but because the message doesn't warrant a response (a joke, an update on their life, etc.)
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TootsNYC on May 12, 2014, 12:04:44 PM
Sometimes I read the messages on my phone but as I hate typing out long responses on my phone I leave the replies until I'm able to use my laptop. Unfortunately I then sometimes forget to reply.... So it's not a case of my not wanting to respond/keep in touch it's a case of being forgetful. This may have happened with some of the messages in the OP.

 I've also had a few cases where I've received emails/texts/fb messages and started to mentally compose a reply for when I do have time to respond, then think I have actually responded and discovered days or weeks later that it was still literally all in my mind, so I've quickly sent off an apology along with the reply to the initial message. As it was only a few days ago that the messages were sent I wouldn't get too upset just yet.

This was my thought.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Lynn2000 on May 12, 2014, 12:18:28 PM
I admit, I have been in exactly the OP's position. Thinking of someone, send them a nice message (sometimes FB, sometimes email), then... nothing. And yeah, it irritates me, and I start to get a little paranoid and wonder maybe they really don't like me that much, or did I say something wrong... But I feel like I have to let it go, or else I would be poisoned with irritation and anxiety, you know? With one message there are a lot of things that could lead it astray or make it look like it's been read when it hasn't, or the person could just be busy without trying to send me any particular negative message.

I would give it a week. Then, I might send the person another message, perhaps through another medium (email instead of FB, for example). I wouldn't ask if they saw my first message, but I might reference it like, "The project I mentioned working on last week is finally finished! It was stressful but ultimately came out well..." I would give them another update on me, and maybe ask more specific questions about them--like if in the first message I said, "How's the family?" maybe this time I would say, "So how's Bob doing? Has he settled into his 'new' job? How is Susie doing in college--what's her major again?"

If they never saw the first message, they might realize they missed something and go looking for it. If they saw the first message but just hadn't gotten around to replying, they will probably do so now, realizing you are truly interested. If they saw the first message and are deliberately ignoring it, they will either continue to ignore the new message, or might send a perfunctory reply. After two messages being unanswered (especially if I used two different media) I probably wouldn't try again for a while, and might start to reassess the friendship in my mind (if this is the only contact we have).
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TootsNYC on May 12, 2014, 12:23:34 PM
Well, after reading all these replies, I think I will give them all the benefit of the doubt and wait a week before deciding I am being ignored. Thank you. I do not often message people so I was a bit bewildered that none of the people messaged back. Some of these people are people I have spoken to recently, others I have not heard from in a while and was concerned about. I would have been quite happy with a smilie or a doing fine thanks message in reply, my messages did not require a vast in detail answer. Thanks for the food for thought!

I'll tell you what happens with me sometimes. I get a message from you who I haven't spoken to in quite a while, and while your message doesn't *require* a long response, I feel like I should give a long response, because, you know, it's been a while. But I don't have the message writing energy/time/whatever to write a long response, and so I put it off, and the longer I leave it, the worse I feel about not writing the message, and so the longer I put it off again.

I have issues, obviously.  ::) :)

I have those same issues.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 12, 2014, 01:07:56 PM
I admit, I have been in exactly the OP's position. Thinking of someone, send them a nice message (sometimes FB, sometimes email), then... nothing. And yeah, it irritates me, and I start to get a little paranoid and wonder maybe they really don't like me that much, or did I say something wrong... But I feel like I have to let it go, or else I would be poisoned with irritation and anxiety, you know? With one message there are a lot of things that could lead it astray or make it look like it's been read when it hasn't, or the person could just be busy without trying to send me any particular negative message.

I would give it a week. Then, I might send the person another message, perhaps through another medium (email instead of FB, for example). I wouldn't ask if they saw my first message, but I might reference it like, "The project I mentioned working on last week is finally finished! It was stressful but ultimately came out well..." I would give them another update on me, and maybe ask more specific questions about them--like if in the first message I said, "How's the family?" maybe this time I would say, "So how's Bob doing? Has he settled into his 'new' job? How is Susie doing in college--what's her major again?"

If they never saw the first message, they might realize they missed something and go looking for it. If they saw the first message but just hadn't gotten around to replying, they will probably do so now, realizing you are truly interested. If they saw the first message and are deliberately ignoring it, they will either continue to ignore the new message, or might send a perfunctory reply. After two messages being unanswered (especially if I used two different media) I probably wouldn't try again for a while, and might start to reassess the friendship in my mind (if this is the only contact we have).

This is good advice, thank you.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: paintpots on May 13, 2014, 05:31:39 AM
Sometimes I read the messages on my phone but as I hate typing out long responses on my phone I leave the replies until I'm able to use my laptop. Unfortunately I then sometimes forget to reply.... So it's not a case of my not wanting to respond/keep in touch it's a case of being forgetful. This may have happened with some of the messages in the OP.

 I've also had a few cases where I've received emails/texts/fb messages and started to mentally compose a reply for when I do have time to respond, then think I have actually responded and discovered days or weeks later that it was still literally all in my mind, so I've quickly sent off an apology along with the reply to the initial message. As it was only a few days ago that the messages were sent I wouldn't get too upset just yet.


This was my thought.
Very glad this isn't just me. Receiving emails on my phone can have its uses but it's not great at responding - particularly if I check it in the evenings/weekends! Have started using the flag function just to remind myself I need to respond.

Personally I hate the Fbook 'seen by' function, and I think it's kind of rude of Fbook to impose it. I also never accept 'read receipts' that I get with emails, as it seems a bit overbearing and nosy.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: nayberry on May 13, 2014, 10:19:21 AM
I've also had it happen at times that I typed and hit the send button on a reply and only find out a couple of days later that it didn't go through after all. I actually had that happen within the last couple of weeks even.

my bff and i have this exact issue,  we chat a lot thro fb pm's and at least once a day one or more messages don't got through. 
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: veronaz on May 13, 2014, 10:24:10 AM
I've also had it happen at times that I typed and hit the send button on a reply and only find out a couple of days later that it didn't go through after all. I actually had that happen within the last couple of weeks even.

my bff and i have this exact issue,  we chat a lot thro fb pm's and at least once a day one or more messages don't got through.

Since you have this problem on a regular basis everyday, why continue to chat on FB?   ???

A lot of people have mentioned problems they frequently have while communicating (or trying to communicate) on FB.  I'm not understanding why you (general) keep using FB to communicate with people.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Yvaine on May 13, 2014, 10:39:31 AM
I've also had it happen at times that I typed and hit the send button on a reply and only find out a couple of days later that it didn't go through after all. I actually had that happen within the last couple of weeks even.

my bff and i have this exact issue,  we chat a lot thro fb pm's and at least once a day one or more messages don't got through.

Since you have this problem on a regular basis everyday, why continue to chat on FB?   ???

A lot of people have mentioned problems they frequently have while communicating (or trying to communicate) on FB.  I'm not understanding why you (general) keep using FB to communicate with people.

We could probably tally up how many threads have to do with the phone, email, or snail mail (think of all those TY note threads!), but no one suggests these media should stop being used. Heck, think of all the etiquette problems that arise when seeing people in person!  ;D
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: veronaz on May 13, 2014, 10:53:41 AM
All I'm saying is that is a form of communication is malfunctioning on a daily basis, *maybe* it's time to try a different one.

Put money into vending machine, nothing comes out, put more money in, noting comes out, bang on machine, nothing comes out............hmmm.......maybe it would be better to try to vending machine down the hall and report the broken one.  I don't see where continuing to use that particular broken machine everyday would accomplish the goal of getting a cold drink.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Perfect Circle on May 13, 2014, 11:14:25 AM
Facebook isn't broken. It can be glitchy but if you are a regular user you get used to its weird ways at times.

It's no different to how letters sometimes go missing in the post or your mobile loses coverage in the middle of a call. The vast majority of the time it works perfectly fine.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: veronaz on May 13, 2014, 11:20:50 AM
Quote
The vast majority of the time it works perfectly fine.

Oh, like shooting darts.  ;D

I guess if one chooses to use FB as a regular form of sending messages they need to accept that some messages won't go thru (on a daily basis according to some posts in this thread).
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: nayberry on May 13, 2014, 11:44:50 AM
I've also had it happen at times that I typed and hit the send button on a reply and only find out a couple of days later that it didn't go through after all. I actually had that happen within the last couple of weeks even.

my bff and i have this exact issue,  we chat a lot thro fb pm's and at least once a day one or more messages don't got through.

Since you have this problem on a regular basis everyday, why continue to chat on FB?   ???

A lot of people have mentioned problems they frequently have while communicating (or trying to communicate) on FB.  I'm not understanding why you (general) keep using FB to communicate with people.

why shouldn't we?    she lives hundreds of miles away and its free to use, we know its a glitch somewhere but its not as if its lifesaving instructions, its chat and gossip and kvetching about inlaws.  for the one that doesn't go thro at least 30 do.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: jackie jormp jomp on May 13, 2014, 11:02:15 PM
Usually I check and post to FB from my phone--but it's quick and not the best for messaging.  I just don't use the messaging function of FB all that much.  It's probably not personal.  You could follow up with a message asking for email or texting info.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: WolfWay on May 13, 2014, 11:35:51 PM
I've also had it happen at times that I typed and hit the send button on a reply and only find out a couple of days later that it didn't go through after all. I actually had that happen within the last couple of weeks even.

my bff and i have this exact issue,  we chat a lot thro fb pm's and at least once a day one or more messages don't got through.

Since you have this problem on a regular basis everyday, why continue to chat on FB?   ???

A lot of people have mentioned problems they frequently have while communicating (or trying to communicate) on FB.  I'm not understanding why you (general) keep using FB to communicate with people.

why shouldn't we?    she lives hundreds of miles away and its free to use, we know its a glitch somewhere but its not as if its lifesaving instructions, its chat and gossip and kvetching about inlaws.  for the one that doesn't go thro at least 30 do.
For the record, GoogleChat is also free and almost never glitches. I have maybe one glitch a month and I have it permanently open on my pc to chat with friends all over the world.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: nayberry on May 14, 2014, 10:23:31 AM
thanks wolfway, i've had issues with them, incl a hack attempt, so i don't use them anymore.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Jobiska on May 14, 2014, 11:53:45 AM
Ha, sometimes even DH's and my brains are glitchy--we could have sworn we told each other something in real life and then it turns out we just thought we told them ;-)

I trust users to know exactly when something becomes more trouble than it's worth.  FB messaging is great for me and my family.  But if I don't get an answer, I don't assume the worst.  There are always several possible explanations!
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: LifeOnPluto on May 14, 2014, 10:37:32 PM
OP, have you received any responses yet?
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: aloe on May 15, 2014, 03:04:18 PM
I've had a similar problem lately.  I sent a warm, short, personal private message to a FB Friend.  Quickly, it was marked as "Read" by FB...and the person never wrote back.  A "thank you" would have been enough.  I noticed that the person was posting things on their Wall.  I gave it about a week and then de-Friended.  Had the person not been active on FB, I would have not de-Friended.  I send very few FB private messages, and when I do, it is either necessary or important to me. I'm pretty liberal  about how I feel about people and their motives, but if I detect rudeness, I cut my ties.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 15, 2014, 11:22:05 PM
One reply, and I talked to one other via a different method. I'm deciding on unfriending the others at the moment.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Library Dragon on May 15, 2014, 11:35:53 PM
Quote
The vast majority of the time it works perfectly fine.

Oh, like shooting darts.  ;D

I guess if one chooses to use FB as a regular form of sending messages they need to accept that some messages won't go thru (on a daily basis according to some posts in this thread).

I'll often use FB messaging to contact DH or DSs because if they don't have their phone near but are at their computer they (especially DSs), have FB open and will usually get my message. DSs don't use email much, but text or FB message.  My DH rarely "remembers" his cell phone.  We do like to use the video or regular chat option when we are traveling separately.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Aunt4God on May 15, 2014, 11:42:56 PM
Wow, one missed message means unfriending and no longer talking to that person?  I've had messages get completely buried by others sending messages afterward.  I had read the message, not been able to reply yet, and it got pushed way down in the pm queue to the point that I forgot about it.  Thankfully they didn't place so much importance on a single message sent through such an impersonal social networking website.  I also had a friend that I would send a message, wait, send a message, wait.......a year later, he finally got them.  Come to find out, he uses his phone for facebook, and for some reason it wasn't telling him when he got messages, and he was so busy with his family and job (he has triplets, with one of them severely disabled) that he didn't realize something was wrong. 

I guess if one unanswered message is enough to make you unfriend somebody, they weren't really friends to begin with.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: MariaE on May 16, 2014, 12:19:30 AM
One reply, and I talked to one other via a different method. I'm deciding on unfriending the others at the moment.

I assume you have other reasons for doing so than just a missed message? Otherwise that seems more than a little over the top. As PPs mentioned, they might not even have seen the message due to a FB glitch.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: bah12 on May 16, 2014, 10:31:01 AM
One reply, and I talked to one other via a different method. I'm deciding on unfriending the others at the moment.

I think if this is the route that you really want to go, then go for it.  You are entitled to feel any way you want and walk away from friendships (even online ones) if they don't meet your expectations.

If you feel that messages warrant attention and responses within certain timeframes and you have frineds that don't meet those standards, then I agree you aren't good matches.  However, I guess I'm also hoping that unfriending isn't just a response to not responding to a PM. Because I think that if your standards on communication and timeliness of communication are too high, you will continue to be disappointed by your friends.  It's good to realize that people get busy and just forget, or don't have the time to respond to every message. It's not necessarily a reflection of how they feel about you, but a reflection of how they balance and prioritize their life obligations with FB messaging. 

I would personally probably be ok if someone unfriended me on FB because I didn't respond to a PM.  For me, even if I like and respect the person that sent it, FB PM is not my preferred method of communicating and I don't hold it in high priority with the other things I have to do.  I'm more likely to respond to a text or a phone call and if I had a friend that couldn't understand that about me, or made it too personal, then I would understand their desire to walk away.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on May 16, 2014, 10:48:34 AM
I regard FB personal messages as the most casual of communications.  If I felt that my reply would be at best an acknowledgement of having received it, I might not reply at all.

The problem is that with snail mail, phone calls, and even some emails, you have no way of knowing if the person received the message or is ignoring you, and I love that polite fiction.  I am an extreme introvert and somedays I just don't have the psychic energy to respond.  Maybe tomorrow, after a good night's sleep, I'll be able to reply.  But like others have said, if you defriend over something like this, I would probably (and privately) heave a small sigh of relief.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TootsNYC on May 16, 2014, 11:02:50 AM
I am more annoyed than hurt, but I'd like to make it known somehow that it isn't ok with me.

Yeah, I'd be happy that you were unfriending me on Facebook if this is your reaction to this situation.

No sense having this sort of difference in standards messing up any real-life friendship we have.

And if you were to react this way in real life, it would probably be best to unfriend me there as well.

Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Lynn2000 on May 16, 2014, 01:57:59 PM
One reply, and I talked to one other via a different method. I'm deciding on unfriending the others at the moment.

I think if this is the route that you really want to go, then go for it.  You are entitled to feel any way you want and walk away from friendships (even online ones) if they don't meet your expectations.

If you feel that messages warrant attention and responses within certain timeframes and you have frineds that don't meet those standards, then I agree you aren't good matches.  However, I guess I'm also hoping that unfriending isn't just a response to not responding to a PM. Because I think that if your standards on communication and timeliness of communication are too high, you will continue to be disappointed by your friends.  It's good to realize that people get busy and just forget, or don't have the time to respond to every message. It's not necessarily a reflection of how they feel about you, but a reflection of how they balance and prioritize their life obligations with FB messaging. 

I would personally probably be ok if someone unfriended me on FB because I didn't respond to a PM.  For me, even if I like and respect the person that sent it, FB PM is not my preferred method of communicating and I don't hold it in high priority with the other things I have to do.  I'm more likely to respond to a text or a phone call and if I had a friend that couldn't understand that about me, or made it too personal, then I would understand their desire to walk away.

POD to this. You have to set your own standards that you feel comfortable with. But, just realize that for many people this standard would be unrealistically high, especially with the high probability for a single message going astray. If you are cool with that, then go for it.

I think it would probably be fruitless to try and express your frustration to the person, though. It may be that your standards are so different they either won't get why you're upset, or won't agree with it, so I don't think there's much to be gained from it. Just realize that you're incompatible and quietly draw away from them, is my advice.

If you wanted to remain friends, it would probably be good to talk about your standards with them--I wouldn't take the tone that they'd done anything wrong, just that they are perhaps unaware of what you expect. I would do this in person or on the phone, that is, a medium where you know they're present right then, so there won't be any further chance of accidental miscommunication. And then the discussion can proceed from there.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Eden on May 16, 2014, 03:54:55 PM
OP what was the content of your PMs? Was it conversational, asking questions? Or was it simply, "Hey there, OldFriend, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you since we haven't talked for awhile." If it's the latter, I'm  not surprised you have not heard back. Particularly on Facebook messaging I would find it kind of overly burdensome to think of a response to that. I suppose you could respond with a "thanks for thinking of me" but that response seems fairly thin. I guess my point is that if you didn't try to draw a conversation out of them, I can understand the lack of response. You may have, it's hard to tell from your original post.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 16, 2014, 04:30:12 PM
The one friend that I am seriously considering unfriending is someone that I've only known about a year- we met because she needed a ride for her son to scouts, and I lived near her (and also had two boys in scouts.) We moved away from that town about six months ago though, and while most of the people on FB are people I haven't seen in a while, I also don't have any problems unfriending any of them, because if they need me they do have my phone number and they know I will support them. That being said, I don't particularly need them clogging up my feed if they don't feel like actually engaging with me once in a while. The message I sent this one, included a voice message from myson to her son. He's sad that his friend hasn't replied (and boy says Hi too! Would be enough for him.) So yeah, I'm thinking about unfriending her (on fb, not in real life... I rarely drop friends in rl)
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TurtleDove on May 18, 2014, 12:47:55 AM
To me, I don't see the point in unfriending anyone here. What are you trying to accomplish, if you are going to act friendly in real life? There could be any number of reasons for a delay in getting back to you. If you want to cut off contact, that is your choice, but I don't think it sends the message you are trying to send?
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 18, 2014, 10:05:24 AM
It's not about sending a message, it's about me not feeling sad and/or angry everytime they pop up in my feed. I don't live in the same town as any of them, having moved, so I would rather remember them as I last saw them (the old fashioned way, before FB) and not worry about it. *shrug*
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Lynn2000 on May 19, 2014, 10:07:08 AM
This might fall under "different people use Facebook differently." For example, one could be good friends with someone in real life, but find that they clog one's Facebook feed with cutesy or controversial reposts. Hiding, blocking, and unfriending are all options to use with Facebook specifically, without necessarily having anything to do with one's real life relationship to the person.

I know some people who won't friend someone on Facebook unless they are, in fact, pretty good real-life friends. In contrast a lot of my Facebook friends are people I went to high school with and haven't seen since then, don't particularly want to see, don't really keep in contact with otherwise. I like seeing what they're up to without the commitment of actually communicating with them (beyond the initial friend request). Sometimes I don't even "like" posts because I don't want them to notice me. Of course if they sent me a polite message I wouldn't ignore it purposefully, but I like to keep that possibility remote.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: aloe on May 19, 2014, 05:38:15 PM
I'll use two examples of how an un-replied-to FB private message affected my friendship.  Let me know if my reaction is extreme!  ;)  I chose this path because my feelings were really hurt.

1.  I worked somewhere for 14 years and recently left the job. It was volunteer work.

There were two paid workers there whom I liked very much, one especially - named "Marie."  The other was "Ellen."

They were both FB Friends.  I wrote a very short PM to each about how the person was one of my favorite people there, how I enjoyed working with them and thanks.

"Marie" wrote back with a wonderful short message. 

"Ellen" appeared to have read it, and never wrote back, not even a "thank you."

I gave them plenty of  time to respond.

Marie is still my FB Friend, Ellen is not - I deFriended Ellen.

2.  "Jamie" used to be client of mine.  She bought several handcrafted items from me.  She told me she loved them.  I took a beautiful photo of a thing I made that she had bought and sent it to her through FB private message.  It was something she wore that she told me she loved. She had acted rude and hurried when she had last bought an item from me.  She sent no reply to my private message.  I later put her in a User group where she can't see my Wall but is not deFriended.

Maybe I expect too much? I reply to all FB PMs unless they are spam.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: shhh its me on May 19, 2014, 05:45:37 PM
I'll use two examples of how an un-replied-to FB private message affected my friendship.  Let me know if my reaction is extreme!  ;)  I chose this path because my feelings were really hurt.

1.  I worked somewhere for 14 years and recently left the job. It was volunteer work.

There were two paid workers there whom I liked very much, one especially - named "Marie."  The other was "Ellen."

They were both FB Friends.  I wrote a very short PM to each about how the person was one of my favorite people there, how I enjoyed working with them and thanks.

"Marie" wrote back with a wonderful short message. 

"Ellen" appeared to have read it, and never wrote back, not even a "thank you."

I gave them plenty of  time to respond.

Marie is still my FB Friend, Ellen is not - I deFriended Ellen.

2.  "Jamie" used to be client of mine.  She bought several handcrafted items from me.  She told me she loved them.  I took a beautiful photo of a thing I made that she had bought and sent it to her through FB private message.  It was something she wore that she told me she loved. She had acted rude and hurried when she had last bought an item from me.  She sent no reply to my private message.  I later put her in a User group where she can't see my Wall but is not deFriended.

Maybe I expect too much? I reply to all FB PMs unless they are spam.

I think your expectations are a little high (in the first case)

I think of FB PMs of like Post it notes, they're awesome but also  really really easy to get lost in the shuffle. 
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TheaterDiva1 on May 19, 2014, 05:53:11 PM
It's not about sending a message, it's about me not feeling sad and/or angry everytime they pop up in my feed. I don't live in the same town as any of them, having moved, so I would rather remember them as I last saw them (the old fashioned way, before FB) and not worry about it. *shrug*

Why not just hide their feed then, instead of unfriending?
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 19, 2014, 06:02:29 PM
It's not about sending a message, it's about me not feeling sad and/or angry everytime they pop up in my feed. I don't live in the same town as any of them, having moved, so I would rather remember them as I last saw them (the old fashioned way, before FB) and not worry about it. *shrug*

Why not just hide their feed then, instead of unfriending?

That's what I've done while I decide. Honestly, I just don't even care if I even have fb at the moment, so if I'm ready to delete everybody, what's one early deletion? I have already reduced down to less than fifty 'friends', weeding more out would be easy enough.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: aloe on May 19, 2014, 06:21:40 PM
Thanks, shhh its me.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: shhh its me on May 19, 2014, 07:07:46 PM
Thanks, shhh its me.

I think its FB fault  , the "read receipts" are just too unreliable. The over-reaction is not being deeply hurt and offend that a special message was ignored its relying on FB to accurately inform you that it was read.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: aloe on May 19, 2014, 08:43:17 PM
That rings true.  I never liked the idea of showing something as "Read."  Same with showing who saw posts in FB groups.  I think it's better to leave those things a mystery.  ;) 
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: sammycat on May 19, 2014, 09:00:25 PM
That rings true.  I never liked the idea of showing something as "Read."  Same with showing who saw posts in FB groups.  I think it's better to leave those things a mystery.  ;)

I agree!
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: LB on May 21, 2014, 06:35:45 PM
I'll use two examples of how an un-replied-to FB private message affected my friendship.  Let me know if my reaction is extreme!  ;)  I chose this path because my feelings were really hurt.

1.  I worked somewhere for 14 years and recently left the job. It was volunteer work.

There were two paid workers there whom I liked very much, one especially - named "Marie."  The other was "Ellen."

They were both FB Friends.  I wrote a very short PM to each about how the person was one of my favorite people there, how I enjoyed working with them and thanks.

"Marie" wrote back with a wonderful short message. 

"Ellen" appeared to have read it, and never wrote back, not even a "thank you."

I gave them plenty of  time to respond.

Marie is still my FB Friend, Ellen is not - I deFriended Ellen.

2.  "Jamie" used to be client of mine.  She bought several handcrafted items from me.  She told me she loved them.  I took a beautiful photo of a thing I made that she had bought and sent it to her through FB private message.  It was something she wore that she told me she loved. She had acted rude and hurried when she had last bought an item from me.  She sent no reply to my private message.  I later put her in a User group where she can't see my Wall but is not deFriended.

Maybe I expect too much? I reply to all FB PMs unless they are spam.

I think your expectations are a little high (in the first case)

I think of FB PMs of like Post it notes, they're awesome but also  really really easy to get lost in the shuffle.

I agree. Consider the fact that in person, Ellen was someone you were friends with and enjoyed working with and who was one of your "favorite people." All of that is undone by one offense of not responding to a message? Sure, if she's seen it and didn't respond, it's a bit rude. It could also be that she hasn't seen it, or that she meant to respond and forgot. I think that is a bit harsh.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TinyVulgarUnicorn on May 21, 2014, 08:29:55 PM
That rings true.  I never liked the idea of showing something as "Read."  Same with showing who saw posts in FB groups.  I think it's better to leave those things a mystery.  ;)

I agree!

I couldn't agree more.  I just got chewed out by my brother last week for not answering his Facebook messages.  Facebook had apparently put that I had read the messages, but the thing is I never even saw them!  I have to say that I really hate communicating by Facebook and would rather receive a text message.   
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TootsNYC on May 21, 2014, 09:18:02 PM


I agree. Consider the fact that in person, Ellen was someone you were friends with and enjoyed working with and who was one of your "favorite people." All of that is undone by one offense of not responding to a message? Sure, if she's seen it and didn't respond, it's a bit rude. It could also be that she hasn't seen it, or that she meant to respond and forgot. I think that is a bit harsh.

also, when she remembers and goes back to Facebook to answer you, she won't be able to reply. Will she?
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TheaterDiva1 on May 21, 2014, 11:15:05 PM


I agree. Consider the fact that in person, Ellen was someone you were friends with and enjoyed working with and who was one of your "favorite people." All of that is undone by one offense of not responding to a message? Sure, if she's seen it and didn't respond, it's a bit rude. It could also be that she hasn't seen it, or that she meant to respond and forgot. I think that is a bit harsh.

also, when she remembers and goes back to Facebook to answer you, she won't be able to reply. Will she?

I know you can message non-friends, so I'd say yes, she can reply... But since they're no longer Facebook friends, it will probably go to the "other" folder instead of the main inbox, so Aloe may not see it unless she thinks to check that "other" folder.

I just realized as I was typing - maybe that's what happened with OP?
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: aloe on May 22, 2014, 12:31:45 PM
Thanks for your replies.  I checked the FB "Other" message folder and no message was there.  (I don't like that message dividing system, either).  Yes, it was harsh what I did, but somehow it felt right at the time and still does, though it may have been a mistake. I don't know if you do the same, but when that new message icon highlights in red at the top of my FB, I find it very noticeable and always click and read.  But, I don't receive or send many FB private messages - 10 or less a year.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: aloe on May 22, 2014, 12:41:00 PM
There is also more to the story than meets the eye that I had left out.  I had begun to distrust her; I suspected she was on a committee that terminated a wonderful project that I and others had worked on for several years. Currently that agency is in some upheaval, and several long-term volunteers recently quit due to some odd shenanigans including this.  I didn't feel comfortable having her on my FB anymore because of that, and the unanswered message confirmed my feelings (though your comments about her being possibly not at fault about the no-reply definitely have merit).
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 22, 2014, 04:13:14 PM
My other box is empty.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: StarFaerie on May 26, 2014, 04:10:06 AM
Facebook loses on average 2-3 messages a month on me. They just disappear. People send them but they never arrive. And yes, they appear as read to the other person. If a "friend" unfriended me because they sent a message, I didn't respond and then they just assumed I wasn't interested and didn't send a follow up, well they really weren't a friend and I'd prefer they unfriended me in real life too.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: LB on May 26, 2014, 07:50:48 AM
Occasionally the same thing will happen to me or DH with friend requests. DH just had someone approach him the other day at a racing event. The guy said to DH "I guess you really hate me, huh?" DH was confused but told him of course not and asked him why he would say that. He told DH "Because I sent you a friend request on Facebook like six days ago." DH had not seen the request.

The number of emails, text messages and Facebook messages I have sent that haven't made it to the recipient has definitely taught me that unless I hear back from the person, I can't be sure they've heard from me.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: DanaJ on May 26, 2014, 04:12:59 PM
Best late FB post was when my co-worker sent me a friend request to see some travel photos I'd posted... and I didn't see the request for 8 months! She had quickly forgotten about even sending the request and hadn't taken it personally. We had a good laugh about it.

I suspect some messages marked "read" when a device is logged into FB in such a way that the message is displayed and not through any action by the FB user. Particularly since the message function and chat functions seem to sometimes be merged. If you send me a PM and it pops open a chat window, I won't see it, but it will probably tell you I did because the pop-up window had popped.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Belle on May 26, 2014, 06:53:55 PM
This is timely - my husband sent a FB message yesterday to me and two friends. More than 24 hours later, and it still hasn't arrived in my inbox (although both friends received it). A separate message that he sent to me a few hours later did arrive.

Thankfully, it was my DH sending me the message, so I knew about it and could tell him it never showed up. Had a friend sent me the message, I would have had no idea. Apparently FB messages do sometimes go <poof> into thin air.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 27, 2014, 01:54:47 PM
Well, I'm a bit surprised by all the people who would apparently blank someone in RL because they got unfriended on FB, because of all the people who recommend unfriending in every case of disagreement or offence,  but to each their own. I've deactivated mine, so I guess they'll all hate me now. Frankly it's for the best, looks like I need to find some friends that don't consider 'liking' a status now and then as an acceptable way to keep a friendship going. The ones that stick around will be cherished all the more.

Thanks for all the points of view, I have to say I've definitely learned a few things!
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: TurtleDove on May 27, 2014, 02:19:44 PM
I don't think there is any universal right or wrong. As with any relationship, if it isn't working for *you* it doesn't matter whether anyone else thinks your perspective is odd or normal or right or wrong.
Title: Re: The FB no-reply
Post by: Mergatroyd on May 27, 2014, 02:30:23 PM
I don't think there is any universal right or wrong. As with any relationship, if it isn't working for *you* it doesn't matter whether anyone else thinks your perspective is odd or normal or right or wrong.

You are so right, TurtleDove!