Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Topic started by: JolieFille on July 22, 2014, 08:35:33 PM

Title: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: JolieFille on July 22, 2014, 08:35:33 PM
So I have a problem that I have absolutely no idea how to handle.

        I have a very good friend, Jane and her boyfriend Jon. We go on double dates sometimes and I do enjoy their company which is why I'm at a loss on how to handle this.

         They point out how expensive the things I'm buying are. The first instance I just let it go; we were at a store in the mall and I tried on an outfit to get Jane's opinion before I bought it. The price tag of the skirt was visible and she said " That skirt is 45$!?!" Well. Yeah. It was. I got kind of embarrassed and mumbled about having a coupon and went back to the dressing room. I later found out that Jon got upset and told my boyfriend that I was rubbing things in Jane's face. O.o okay. I can't exactly remove the alarm-tag which is what the price tag was hooked on.

The second instance was Sunday we went out to dinner the four of us. My boyfriend and I decided to try a new margarita flavor and we were having a decent time until they saw our bill. Chili's has those table computer things; so no hiding it. "That margarita was 7$!?" "That's sooo expensive!!"
Head meet table. I was really proud of myself that even with a margarita in my system I didn't snap something along the lines of "You're not paying for it so it's not YOUR concern" Gah.  :-X

So, eHellions, how do I handle this in the future and still be polite?
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Dazi on July 22, 2014, 08:53:12 PM
My current phrase is,  "I budgeted for this" or "I enjoy the splurge every now and again".  I've also used,  "It's a present to myself" and "I might as well spend my money while I'm alive  :P,  it's not going to do me any good when I'm dead".

Truthfully, I shop most of the time at thrift stores,  just so when I do decide to drop $$$ on an item,  it doesn't hurt so bad.  I nearly made a friend's head explode when she found out I paid almost $300 for a purse. It was my present to myself for making my weight goal and that's what I flipping wanted.

Honestly,  it's no one's business how you spend your money.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: gramma dishes on July 22, 2014, 08:54:23 PM
You say Jane is your very good friend.  Was she this price tag conscious about your purchases before Jon entered the picture?

You aren't flaunting price tags or refusing to ride in their car, insisting upon taking your own Rolls Royce instead.  So I would just ignore these inappropriate comments on your purchases and change the subject.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: cabbagegirl28 on July 22, 2014, 08:57:14 PM
I would say lightheartedly, "Well, we/I think it's worth it. Bean dip?" If they try to engage further, such as, "But don't you realize the cost?", I would say, "Yes, you've mentioned that" with optional flavors of bean dip.

If they bring it up constantly, I think that would be a time to take one of them aside and say, "Look, when you remark on my purchases like that, I feel uncomfortable." I personally, if the friend were close enough to me, would add, "My finances are none of your business unless I involve your money or property in it", but the friend sounds a little sensitive, so that would probably come off too harshly.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: MurPl1 on July 22, 2014, 09:01:25 PM
I'm curious to see the responses.  Because I've been in your shoes and I ended up just not hanging out with them.  Which ends up just making me look like a snob when that's not at all the case.  I'm just uncomfortable having my "within my budget" purchases scrutinized or commented on, or criticized.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: CaffeineKatie on July 22, 2014, 10:22:18 PM
I would just flat out say "why are you pointing that out?" and wait silently for an answer--no explaining/justifying/anything.  Maybe something is going on in her financial life, maybe she's dating a cheap guy and it makes her more aware, maybe, maybe, maybe--let her explain why she's doing it.  And if she can't come up with a good reason (and I can't imagine what would justify her comments) I'd say "I know what I can afford--beandip?"  It might make her think more about what she is saying.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: StoutGirl on July 22, 2014, 10:37:53 PM
Oh boy, this is a tough one!  If I were in the same situation, I would probably say what was mentioned before (I am splurging a little on myself tonight), but I would probably avoid shopping with your friend from now on.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: PastryGoddess on July 22, 2014, 11:00:48 PM
I simply say "I can afford it" with a smile.  Or "yes it was" with a smile. 

You aren't the one with a problem, she is. 
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Raintree on July 22, 2014, 11:41:35 PM
I wish I could find a skirt for $45 or a margarita for $7........much higher prices where I live!!

I don't know, I'd likely fall back on my old standby, "You sure seem to take a lot of interest in the cost of my purchases."
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: TinyVulgarUnicorn on July 23, 2014, 12:10:29 AM
I would just flat out say "why are you pointing that out?" and wait silently for an answer--no explaining/justifying/anything.  Maybe something is going on in her financial life, maybe she's dating a cheap guy and it makes her more aware, maybe, maybe, maybe--let her explain why she's doing it.  And if she can't come up with a good reason (and I can't imagine what would justify her comments) I'd say "I know what I can afford--beandip?"  It might make her think more about what she is saying.

This is where I stand as well.  If they mention something being expensive just ask them, "Why do you keep bringing up the price of stuff I'm paying for?  I don't make comments on the cost of things you buy."   If they keep harping on your purchases I would give them the arched eyebrow look and pointedly change the subject.  It's none of their business how or what you spend your money on or how much you spend on anything.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: greencat on July 23, 2014, 12:35:52 AM
I have been using "Yeah, it's nice finally having a job where I can buy this and not worry about it."
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Bethalize on July 23, 2014, 03:00:04 AM
I hate people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

My response would be: "I think it's good value" and leave it at that. Value is not the same as price, so you're covered. Don't be drawn.

This is a very irritating habit. It's a bit like the diet police when whatever you eat they would be able to improve it nutritionally. It's not about the issue, is about their sense of superiority.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: cicero on July 23, 2014, 04:17:31 AM
I hate people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

My response would be: "I think it's good value" and leave it at that. Value is not the same as price, so you're covered. Don't be drawn.

This is a very irritating habit. It's a bit like the diet police when whatever you eat they would be able to improve it nutritionally. It's not about the issue, is about their sense of superiority.
you're right - it is like the diet police. and i think "i've budgeted for this" is a good approach - whether it's a 7$ margarita or 1200 calorie cheese cake
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: MariaE on July 23, 2014, 04:42:52 AM
I hate people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

My response would be: "I think it's good value" and leave it at that. Value is not the same as price, so you're covered. Don't be drawn.

This is a very irritating habit. It's a bit like the diet police when whatever you eat they would be able to improve it nutritionally. It's not about the issue, is about their sense of superiority.
you're right - it is like the diet police. and i think "i've budgeted for this" is a good approach - whether it's a 7$ margarita or 1200 calorie cheese cake

Personally I'd think that was explaining / justifying too much. I don't have to defend my choices to anybody other than my husband. I think that I'd probably just shrug and say "Isn't it gorgeous?" (speaking of the skirt) or something like that.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Margo on July 23, 2014, 05:34:42 AM
Depending on your relationship with her, then a light-hearted "Yes. Lucky I'm not asking you to pay for it!"  might work.
I agree that 'Why are you pointing that out" is fine. If the comment is "That skirt if $45" then "yes?" in a slightly puzzled tone of voice, is also good - if you think of how you might react if she was stating the obvious about something else.

I completely agree with you that this is infuriating. I had a colleague do this about a restuarant I went to recently. She heard me talking to another colleague about the meal, asked me which restuarant I'd been to, then went away to look at the restaurant's website and came back to tell me how expensive it was.
Er, I know. I was there .  I paid for myself, and how I chose to spend my money is no-one's business but mine.
(It was a superlative meal. It's not something I could afford anything like a regular basis, but as a very rare treat it was absolutely worth every penny. I *dreamt* about the ravioli afterwards!)
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: aussie_chick on July 23, 2014, 05:39:58 AM
Agree with others who said no explaining required. This is not their business.
And seriously, who does Jon think he is complaining to your boyfriend? Rubbing Jane's face in what exactly?

I would try one of these responses:
"how curious that you'd notice what I spend my money on" bean dip
"yes it is that price" bean dip
"Why are you pointing it out?"
or just a perplexed look straight at them, followed by "ok moving on..."

And I'd see if your BF could get on the same page so that you both end up sounding like broken records. Hopefully they get it and if not, you have the option to avoid!
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: JolieFille on July 23, 2014, 06:46:26 AM
You say Jane is your very good friend.  Was she this price tag conscious about your purchases before Jon entered the picture?

You aren't flaunting price tags or refusing to ride in their car, insisting upon taking your own Rolls Royce instead.  So I would just ignore these inappropriate comments on your purchases and change the subject.

Actually now that you mention it, she always was sort of. She's a doll collector and I'm not so much. I gave her all my old dolls a few months ago and I got a lesson in how much I could have gotten for each of them on eBay (over 100$)  ::) That was kind of annoying.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: crella on July 23, 2014, 06:59:10 AM
I have a family member who does this and I really don't like it. Finally when asked how much our house cost, I said 'I'm sorry, I really don't like discussing our finances'.  It stopped the remarks on things like our house or cars, but a new watch, appliance or something invariably triggers remarks like 'I'm so jealous!' 'You're so lucky!' DH's business is doing well, but we don't spend money like it's water at all and our lifestyle is not overboard so these remarks are aggravating. What makes it more so is that this person thinks nothing of spending $1-2,000 at a whack if some new computer or other gizmo comes out, which of course is their prerogative,but geez, don't try to make me feel like a wasteful spendthrift if I buy a Kitchen Aide. These kinds of remarks always throw me off balance  ::)

Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: miranova on July 23, 2014, 07:24:24 AM
Wait, a $7 cocktail is expensive?  Where do they get drinks cheaper than that?
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Margo on July 23, 2014, 07:38:41 AM
Crella, I couldn't agree more about people making comments about "you're so lucky" I could forgive it from someone who has had bad luck (for instance, unable to work, or really struggling financially) but so often it seems to be a comment from someone who has chosen to spend their money in a different way.

One of my business partners does that - if you mention anything enjoyable you've done he will make comments about "Oh you're so lucky you can afford to do x"  I did respond once to say, "yeah, and you're so lucky you can afford to go ski-ing"  His response was "oh I saved for that"   ???

Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: TurtleDove on July 23, 2014, 07:42:08 AM
Wait, a $7 cocktail is expensive?  Where do they get drinks cheaper than that?

That's what I was thinking! At any rate, I would just do as a PP suggested. "Isn't the skirt gorgeous?" "Yep - this cocktail is delicious!" All said unapologetically and cheerfully. No need to justify or explain. No need to say something clever.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: siamesecat2965 on July 23, 2014, 07:42:18 AM
I hate people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

My response would be: "I think it's good value" and leave it at that. Value is not the same as price, so you're covered. Don't be drawn.

This is a very irritating habit. It's a bit like the diet police when whatever you eat they would be able to improve it nutritionally. It's not about the issue, is about their sense of superiority.

I have a friend like this, and it drives me up a wall. You are so correct when you say some people focus on price, vs. value. I admit I am a kitchen snob. I like good pots, pans, knives, and tools. That being said, while I have "good stuff" a lot of it was purchased at outlets or discount stores, and I don't think I paid full retail for any of it, except my really nice chef's knife.

Her idea of cheap is if it costs more than $2-5, its expensive. A World Market just opened near us, and she was perusing their website. her comment "it's expensive" yes, some things are, but I went the other day, and found a bunch of stuff, for not that much.

I don't really care if someone chooses to spend frugally, but please don't comment on my splurges and expenditures. While I admit I might not always make the wisest choices, they are mine to make!
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: lowspark on July 23, 2014, 07:47:27 AM
I don't like the "I'm splurging" or "I've budgeted for this" type answer. I see it as JADEing.

Whether the item is in my normal budget, something I've saved up for months for, or something I'm going to go into debt for, it's still no one else's business but my own. I'd probably go with questioning her back.

My first thought was to say, "Is it?" or "You think so?" or other variations on that. Every time. Even if she persists in the same conversation. It is non-committal and puts it back on her. Then if she says, "Yes! It is! I do think so!" or whatever, I'd probably just smile and say "Hm."

CaffeineKatie's approach, "why are you pointing that out?"  might also work.

Oh, and yeah, $7 for a margarita is on the low end around here. I have paid less (at a great TexMex we go to that has fabulous prices!) but I've certainly paid more, lots of times.

And yeah, if I had a friend who was constantly doing this, I'd be rethinking how much time I wanted to spend with her and what kinds of activities would be appropriate. Picnic in the park or DVD at home with popcorn maybe, instead of shopping or dinner out.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: ladyknight1 on July 23, 2014, 07:50:38 AM
I hate this.

Evil LK would say, "Did I ask you to pay for it?" with an arched eyebrow.  >:D

In my circles, it is common for us to ask each other about what we did for an occasion or on the weekend, etc. I mentioned to a colleague that DH and I took a river paddle boat lunch cruise for our 20th anniversary as a couple. She asked how much it was per person, since it is something she and her DH might enjoy, and I told her. $46 per person, including a full meal and live entertainment. Her response was "that's expensive!".

I'd rather pay $100 for a meal that is a special one, including a scenic 3 hour cruise, than go to the local burger joint five times. It's the same amount in the end.

I might say something about it bothering you that your friend is so interested in the cost of things, and just bean dip after that.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: MariaE on July 23, 2014, 07:51:39 AM
I don't like the "I'm splurging" or "I've budgeted for this" type answer. I see it as JADEing.
Exactly.

Quote
Oh, and yeah, $7 for a margarita is on the low end around here. I have paid less (at a great TexMex we go to that has fabulous prices!) but I've certainly paid more, lots of times.
Yeah, same here. I'd expect to pay at least twice that for a good margarita.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: LadyClaire on July 23, 2014, 07:52:18 AM
I have a friend/co-worker like this. She comments on the price of everything. We went to Sephora one day and I bought some mineral foundation, because everything else makes me break out or get a rash. The foundation was $28, but that $28 beats paying the drugstore price for foundation and then also having to buy concealer to hide the resulting breakouts and medicated creams to take care of the rashes.

You'd have thought that I plunked down thousands of dollars, the way my friend reacted to me buying that foundation. She makes comments like that all the time about things I buy. It's getting to the point where I hate going anywhere with her, or if I see something I like I don't buy it, but go back later without her so that I can get it. Thing is, she buys her lunch every day. She smokes and she goes out every weekend to a movie or to some other event. I bring my lunch to work every day. I don't smoke and I never go out because all of my hobbies are home-based and my husband and I work very different schedules, so we hardly ever go to the movies or out to dinner. She's spending less on makeup, sure, but she's also spending more than I do on other things. I don't judge her for the way she spends her money, but it's annoying when she's commenting on my purchases when I probably spend far less than she does overall.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: miranova on July 23, 2014, 07:56:27 AM
Crella, I couldn't agree more about people making comments about "you're so lucky" ...... so often it seems to be a comment from someone who has chosen to spend their money in a different way.


Ding ding ding!!  I'm no more or less lucky than the next person, we have all had our share of both struggles and blessings.  What we choose to do with our resources is not luck.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Bethalize on July 23, 2014, 07:59:17 AM
"The more I work, the luckier I get"

or in this case:

"The more I save, the luckier I get".
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: poundcake on July 23, 2014, 08:01:19 AM
Quote
CaffeineKatie's approach, "why are you pointing that out?"  might also work.

I really like this one. It's no one else's business how you spend your money, and adding judgement calls about it is extra rude. It doesn't matter if you agree with what someone else blows a pile of money on, or skimps on, because if it's not your money, butt out. So the "lather, rinse, repeat" use of "Why?" + *quizzical look* might be a way of dealing. "Why are you pointing that out?" "Why are you so concerned about my budget?" "Why does this matter to you?" "No, really, I don't understand why you are so invested in my finances?" "Why would you ask such personal questions?"
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Outdoor Girl on July 23, 2014, 08:12:12 AM
Evil LK would say, "Did I ask you to pay for it?" with an arched eyebrow.  >:D

I wouldn't pull this out at the first comment but after reapeated ones?  I don't really see a problem with it.

Reminds me of a friend of mine who would comment on his girlfriend's (also my friend) clothes.  He would wear the rattiest stuff around but then have the nerve to comment that he didn't like her pants, or whatever, and she shouldn't be wearing them in public.   I finally snapped one day when he made the comment about fleecy lounge pants that weren't tight or worn or anything.  'Good job you don't have to wear them, then!'  And then I pointed out the rips in the pants he was wearing.

He probably still makes comments to his now wife but he never makes them in my presence.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: m2kbug on July 23, 2014, 08:16:01 AM
I think I would respond with, "Yes, it is."  "It was really good, too," or maybe, "$45 is actually a pretty inexpensive for this brand/quality."  "For a margarita? That's actually cheap."  "You get what you pay for."
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: siamesecat2965 on July 23, 2014, 08:49:39 AM
Crella, I couldn't agree more about people making comments about "you're so lucky" ...... so often it seems to be a comment from someone who has chosen to spend their money in a different way.


Ding ding ding!!  I'm no more or less lucky than the next person, we have all had our share of both struggles and blessings.  What we choose to do with our resources is not luck.

I had to really remember to keep it shut on Father's Day. I went to my BFF's parent's house, for that, and to celebrate her DB's 50th birthday. Now my friend is a wonderful person, but a. has made horrible choices, both in life, and financially and b. is envious of anything she can't or isn't able to do.

I'm going on a cruise at the end of the summer. One which I budgeted and saved for for a while. I don't go on fancy vacations every year, as often as I can, but my last "big" trip was about 5 years ago.  I was careful not to mention it in her presence, even in passing, as she would immediately pull the "must be nice, and you're so lucky" card. No, I just chose to focus my energy on saving for this particular thing, and did so.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: SamiHami on July 23, 2014, 08:51:06 AM
Wait, a $7 cocktail is expensive?  Where do they get drinks cheaper than that?

Depends on where you live. In my part of the country, an average cocktail is around $4.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: NyaChan on July 23, 2014, 08:57:55 AM
Wait, a $7 cocktail is expensive?  Where do they get drinks cheaper than that?

Depends on where you live. In my part of the country, an average cocktail is around $4.

And the individual location as well - Within a 5 minute drive of each other in my city:  dive bar rail drink, $4-5; swanky lounge mixologist cocktail, $10-15.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: SamiHami on July 23, 2014, 09:03:14 AM
Crella, I couldn't agree more about people making comments about "you're so lucky" ...... so often it seems to be a comment from someone who has chosen to spend their money in a different way.


Ding ding ding!!  I'm no more or less lucky than the next person, we have all had our share of both struggles and blessings.  What we choose to do with our resources is not luck.

I had to really remember to keep it shut on Father's Day. I went to my BFF's parent's house, for that, and to celebrate her DB's 50th birthday. Now my friend is a wonderful person, but a. has made horrible choices, both in life, and financially and b. is envious of anything she can't or isn't able to do.

I'm going on a cruise at the end of the summer. One which I budgeted and saved for for a while. I don't go on fancy vacations every year, as often as I can, but my last "big" trip was about 5 years ago.  I was careful not to mention it in her presence, even in passing, as she would immediately pull the "must be nice, and you're so lucky" card. No, I just chose to focus my energy on saving for this particular thing, and did so.

Oh, I had one of those in my life for a while. She chose to have a ridiculously expensive sports car (payment was the same as my monthly mortgage payment!), smoke cigarettes, buy every version of every movie she loved (blue ray, HD, ones with deleted scenes, ones with extra commentary, etc), jewelry off EBay, etc, etc, etc. Yet when I got a new cell phone she literally whined "when do I get to have nice things?"

I just had no answer for that. ::)
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Coralreef on July 23, 2014, 09:12:53 AM
I had a high school friend who always commented on the price of everything, including penny candy.  Her family was the same, so I knew where she got it from.

It annoyed me to the point that I had to ask : "Why does MY purchase, with MY money, bothers you so much?"  That pretty much killed the remarks. 



Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Aquamarine on July 23, 2014, 09:16:08 AM
I probably would just not go shopping with her again.  People that do this suck the fun out of buying and having nice things. This though process about money is deeply ingrained in them, I don't think subtle comments will get these people to change.  I get these comments when I buy things from Chanel.  I wouldn't buy these things if it was a problem for me, I'm not going into debt for them.  The comments still come: "Why buy something so expensive", "I could never afford that", "It must be nice", "Its a waste of money".  Well I like it, want it, can afford it and it's no ones business what I spend my money on.  The people who makes these comments I only see when I must because they're a drag.  I have even gotten comment that I should donate the money to a children's charity instead.  No, just no.

Some people sail, some race cars or horses, some collect stamps or have a motorcycle.  For some reason those are OK but for an average person to buy a few accessory items from Chanel every year is made into some big deal.  It's aggravating at the very least.

Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Aquamarine on July 23, 2014, 09:21:16 AM
I have a family member who does this and I really don't like it. Finally when asked how much our house cost, I said 'I'm sorry, I really don't like discussing our finances'.  It stopped the remarks on things like our house or cars, but a new watch, appliance or something invariably triggers remarks like 'I'm so jealous!' 'You're so lucky!' DH's business is doing well, but we don't spend money like it's water at all and our lifestyle is not overboard so these remarks are aggravating. What makes it more so is that this person thinks nothing of spending $1-2,000 at a whack if some new computer or other gizmo comes out, which of course is their prerogative,but geez, don't try to make me feel like a wasteful spendthrift if I buy a Kitchen Aide. These kinds of remarks always throw me off balance  ::)

Yes!  Isn't that irritating?  It's always *different* when its something they buy because they feel they deserve it and have worked for it, but when someone else gets something new that's a different story.   Arrrrrgggghhhhhhh!  They suck the fun and enjoyment out of having bought the shiny new thing for yourself and leave you feeling annoyed.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: tinkytinky on July 23, 2014, 09:26:26 AM
You said she is a good friend, so for the $45 skirt, I'd have said "yep. I sometimes pay a little more for quality pieces that I can wear for years". It isn't JADEing, it's conversation with a friend (ok, it is explaining, but this is a friend and a short, curt response may be worse). I don't even think you needed to say you had a coupon. That's more apologizing for wanting to spend you own money. I sounds like she was a little jealous because she mentioned it to her boyfriend.

"That drink is $7?!" your comment: "Hmmm.....it sure is. I'm enjoying every drop of it too!"
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Yvaine on July 23, 2014, 09:28:08 AM
I probably would just not go shopping with her again.  People that do this suck the fun out of buying and having nice things. This though process about money is deeply ingrained in them, I don't think subtle comments will get these people to change.  I get these comments when I buy things from Chanel.  I wouldn't buy these things if it was a problem for me, I'm not going into debt for them.  The comments still come: "Why buy something so expensive", "I could never afford that", "It must be nice", "Its a waste of money".  Well I like it, want it, can afford it and it's no ones business what I spend my money on.  The people who makes these comments I only see when I must because they're a drag.  I have even gotten comment that I should donate the money to a children's charity instead.  No, just no.

Some people sail, some race cars or horses, some collect stamps or have a motorcycle.  For some reason those are OK but for an average person to buy a few accessory items from Chanel every year is made into some big deal.  It's aggravating at the very least.

I've got one acquaintance I don't shop with anymore because every time I picked up something cute to look at it, her response was always, "You could make that for less!" Well, maybe, but the process of getting to that skill level would take me years, and I need a dress for the wedding next week. And maybe I don't even want to, and I buy things so that I don't have to make them!

And it's not like she even practices what she preaches. She hoards piles and piles of fabric and craft supplies, but never actually makes anything. She wears clothes from the store just like I do.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: SamiHami on July 23, 2014, 09:30:12 AM
By the way, OP, you didn't mention how your BF responded when Jon complained to him. I hope he said something like, "Hey, it's her money to spend, not mine."
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: gramma dishes on July 23, 2014, 10:00:43 AM
By the way, OP, you didn't mention how your BF responded when Jon complained to him. I hope he said something like, "Hey, it's her money to spend, not mine."

If I were the BF, I'd have just looked at Jon as though I had just noticed for the first time that Jon had three heads and asked, "Why are you telling me this?"  ???
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: mime on July 23, 2014, 10:30:21 AM
Quote
CaffeineKatie's approach, "why are you pointing that out?"  might also work.

I really like this one. It's no one else's business how you spend your money, and adding judgement calls about it is extra rude. It doesn't matter if you agree with what someone else blows a pile of money on, or skimps on, because if it's not your money, butt out. So the "lather, rinse, repeat" use of "Why?" + *quizzical look* might be a way of dealing. "Why are you pointing that out?" "Why are you so concerned about my budget?" "Why does this matter to you?" "No, really, I don't understand why you are so invested in my finances?" "Why would you ask such personal questions?"

I like these. I think I'd look at her with a concerned look and say "You point out my spending habits a lot-- are you worried about how I spend my money?"

I'd also probably avoid shopping with her.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: perpetua on July 23, 2014, 10:38:47 AM
I agree that someone who does this is massively annoying. However, there is one exception that I can see: the person who does it through exasperation when their friend is splashing the cash around them when they know they can't. That isn't worded at all well, so I'll give some examples: If, say, someone was the sort of friend - and I'm sure our OP isn't! - who goes out to dinner with their friend who's strapped for cash and orders a fillet steak every time and says "Mmm, this steak sure is delicious!" while she watches her friend eat a cheeseburger because it's all she can afford, or insists the two of them go shopping and then buys expensive clothes while the friend has to shop in charity shops because she's got no money, or or or, then I could understand the friend making the odd comment through sheer exasperation when it becomes Not Fun Anymore. (Still not explaining that well).

Basically I think there are instances when a little tact about splashing the cash is required, but this is just offered for general discussion; I am in no way implying that this is what the OP is doing.

In a past life, both my partner and I were unemployed and money was extremely tight, bordering on not being able to afford the roof over our head any more. We had a friend - and I use that term loosely - who'd come round to our house and brag about this new toy and that new toy, right in front of the pile of bills and the Tesco Value teabags, constantly, and it got really old. It was like he was rubbing it in our faces. That's the kind of thing I mean. Technically it's probably not rude, but it can be insensitive.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: gramma dishes on July 23, 2014, 10:50:24 AM
...   We had a friend - and I use that term loosely - who'd come round to our house and brag about this new toy and that new toy, right in front of the pile of bills and the Tesco Value teabags, constantly, and it got really old. It was like he was rubbing it in our faces. That's the kind of thing I mean. Technically it's probably not rude, but it can be insensitive.

I think most of us would agree that bragging about all your personal extravagances in front of people you know full well are really struggling is technically rude.  Quite rude.   >:(
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: crella on July 23, 2014, 11:00:51 AM
Crella, I couldn't agree more about people making comments about "you're so lucky" ...... so often it seems to be a comment from someone who has chosen to spend their money in a different way.


Ding ding ding!!  I'm no more or less lucky than the next person, we have all had our share of both struggles and blessings.  What we choose to do with our resources is not luck.

Yes, and it really takes the fun out of finally getting something you like to have remarks made. If they're made a lot, I begin to think that that's the point.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: perpetua on July 23, 2014, 11:11:57 AM
...   We had a friend - and I use that term loosely - who'd come round to our house and brag about this new toy and that new toy, right in front of the pile of bills and the Tesco Value teabags, constantly, and it got really old. It was like he was rubbing it in our faces. That's the kind of thing I mean. Technically it's probably not rude, but it can be insensitive.

I think most of us would agree that bragging about all your personal extravagances in front of people you know full well are really struggling is technically rude.  Quite rude.   >:(

Oh yeah, definitely, if it's deliberate. In the case of our ex friend though, I think he was just really enthusiastic about his new stuff and wanted to - well, enthuse about it - and he just didn't think about the message he was sending. So, if someone's going out shopping with a friend and picking up a £50 skirt and raving about it when they know their friend is in charity-shop-shopping territory, then it can be really insensitive.

Like I say though, just for general discussion, an exception to the rule, if you like.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: rose red on July 23, 2014, 11:26:40 AM
I don't like the "I'm splurging" or "I've budgeted for this" type answer. I see it as JADEing.
Exactly.

I don't like it either. Maybe (general) you aren't splurging or need to budget. Maybe you won't even miss the money. Saying you had to make sacrifices is just trying to make the other person feel better and that you need an excuse to spend your own money; like you're being naughty and should feel guilty. $45 is a lot to me nowadays and while I may feel envy, it's not my business how a friend spends their money. They may have millions socked away or they may be up to their eyeballs in debt, but that's not my business either. It's their life.

I had a high school friend who always commented on the price of everything, including penny candy.  Her family was the same, so I knew where she got it from.

It annoyed me to the point that I had to ask : "Why does MY purchase, with MY money, bothers you so much?"  That pretty much killed the remarks. 

Next time, I'd just be blunt and say something like this.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: turnip on July 23, 2014, 11:36:09 AM
I agree that a lot of the suggested responses  ("I've budgeted...", "I like quality items.." ) are JADEing and completely none of her business.

IMHO, this is best handled with just a shrug.  I wouldn't validate it ( I don't find either price you paid extravagant, personally).  I wouldn't justify my purchase.  If I wanted to spend $200 on a flimsy skirt that dissolved in the wash, it's no one's business but my own.

Just don't give her any sort of response.  Eventually she'll get tired of mentioning it.  It's like not responding to a toddler who hasn't mastered saying "please".
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: postalslave on July 23, 2014, 12:05:06 PM
My fiancé and I get this a lot in our social circle. We've found that the following replies stop that line of commentary pretty quick:

Ok
I'm sorry you feel that way
And...?
Thankfully I'm paying and you're not
I know, right? Good thing I quit smoking/vice

Of course, tone is everything here. It's important to know your audience and to make it light hearted. Exception being "ok" Or "and..?" However we only use that when people just. Won't. Stop.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on July 23, 2014, 12:13:28 PM
I POD turnip.  A shrug is the only response I would give.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: heartmug on July 23, 2014, 12:19:34 PM
Crella, I couldn't agree more about people making comments about "you're so lucky" ...... so often it seems to be a comment from someone who has chosen to spend their money in a different way.


Ding ding ding!!  I'm no more or less lucky than the next person, we have all had our share of both struggles and blessings.  What we choose to do with our resources is not luck.

Yes, and it really takes the fun out of finally getting something you like to have remarks made. If they're made a lot, I begin to think that that's the point.

I could not agree any more with all of this!  It is like some of our relatives/friends don't know how to save up anymore.  It frustrates DH so much that he has become sarcastic.  "Well we just went into the back yard and pulled $100 off the money tree and bought....."
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Allyson on July 23, 2014, 12:37:53 PM
Ugh, I really dislike this. It reminds me of how a friend of mine always had to defend herself from comments that her family was 'rich', and she'd tend to say "oh, we're not rich" and then defend it. But really, even if her family *was* rich, she shouldn't have to! There's this weird accusatory thing that can happen in some groups of friends, when anybody spends money or is perceived to have a lot to spend. I think that it comes from normal conversation among some people (in my case it was students/just out of school people) being about how broke they are. So somebody going against that can make people resentful.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Aquamarine on July 23, 2014, 12:45:34 PM
This reminds of the people who say I'm "so lucky" because I'm somewhat slender.  No, I watch what I eat, eat highly quality food only and exercise an hour a day. Luck has nothing to do with it, I want to be this way and I work for it.  So irritating and dismissive.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Allyson on July 23, 2014, 12:49:06 PM
I really hate the "lucky" thing overall, to be honest. It nearly always comes off as belittling, or just needing to get a dig in. I'm sure there are times when it isn't, but seriously--what's wrong with "that's awesome!" or an unambiguous statement that doesn't imply jealousy and that the person hasn't actually worked for it?
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: TurtleDove on July 23, 2014, 01:03:33 PM
This reminds of the people who say I'm "so lucky" because I'm somewhat slender.  No, I watch what I eat, eat highly quality food only and exercise an hour a day. Luck has nothing to do with it, I want to be this way and I work for it.  So irritating and dismissive.

My favorite is, "But you don't need to work out/watch what you eat - you are already skinny/fit/____."  Um, I am already that way *because* I work out and eat right!
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: EMuir on July 23, 2014, 01:10:15 PM
The opposite happens too.  I'm hypothyroid and even with treatment, eating right, and exercise, I have trouble losing weight.  In a way you were lucky, not to be hypothyroid.  In a way, a person with money to spend may have been lucky to be born into a society where they could get a good job and accumulate wealth, and haven't experienced any staggering financial losses.  But the commentary is rude.  So I think the best response is just to smile and agree that you are lucky, and it is nice to buy nice things.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: siamesecat2965 on July 23, 2014, 01:16:28 PM
Oh, I had one of those in my life for a while. She chose to have a ridiculously expensive sports car (payment was the same as my monthly mortgage payment!), smoke cigarettes, buy every version of every movie she loved (blue ray, HD, ones with deleted scenes, ones with extra commentary, etc), jewelry off EBay, etc, etc, etc. Yet when I got a new cell phone she literally whined "when do I get to have nice things?"

I just had no answer for that. ::)

A family member said something similar to me last year, when I bought my car. She and I will discuss money sometimes, but not in any great detail. She's more nosy than I am  >:D I got a great deal, and since I did, and put a decent amount down, my payments are pretty low. Her comment? "Wow, that's a great car payment, wish mine was that low"

I kept my mouth shut, but let's see, when your ancient SUV, which was your second car (she's one person) died, you bought a replacement. Top of the line,  with all the bells and whistles. Trust me when I say she doesn not need two cars. Hers cost about 3 times what mine did. Granted, hers was a brand new SUV and mine a 3 year old Camry, but even so, I chose not to spend $$ on a car.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Outdoor Girl on July 23, 2014, 01:23:25 PM
I bought a new car last fall.  I know there were a few people with the 'must be nice' line around.

But then, I don't smoke, I don't drink much, I don't go out for dinner or get take out more than twice a month, I don't buy convenience food and I don't take a tropical vacation every winter.  So yeah, I can afford to buy a new car rather than a used beater.

It annoys me no end when coworkers moan about having no money and yet have no problem spending $15-$20 a day on cigarettes, coffee and take out for lunch.  That's around $5000 a year right there! (5 days a week X 50 weeks)
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: siamesecat2965 on July 23, 2014, 01:24:31 PM
I really hate the "lucky" thing overall, to be honest. It nearly always comes off as belittling, or just needing to get a dig in. I'm sure there are times when it isn't, but seriously--what's wrong with "that's awesome!" or an unambiguous statement that doesn't imply jealousy and that the person hasn't actually worked for it?

POD. I have said to friends, if they're mentioning a fabulous trip, one which I know is out of my reach financially, that it sounds fun, and I'm envious. I'm careful not to use the word jealous, but will also tell them have fun, and I can't wait to hear all about it. Or if they just bought something I'd like to have, but can't afford, the same thing.

But to imply someone is lucky? Lucky is winning the lottery so you can enjoy the nice htings in life, but budgeting and spending wisely so you can do so, nope, that's just smart.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: TurtleDove on July 23, 2014, 01:38:19 PM
The opposite happens too.  I'm hypothyroid and even with treatment, eating right, and exercise, I have trouble losing weight.  In a way you were lucky, not to be hypothyroid.  In a way, a person with money to spend may have been lucky to be born into a society where they could get a good job and accumulate wealth, and haven't experienced any staggering financial losses.  But the commentary is rude.  So I think the best response is just to smile and agree that you are lucky, and it is nice to buy nice things.

I am also hypothyroid - makes things all that much more difficult for sure.  But yes, commentary about "luck" is best to ignore and assume people are coming from a good place.  I try to never make assumptions about how hard someone has (or has not) worked to get whatever it is they have.  Some people have trust funds; other people worked two jobs while going to school full time.  Life isn't fair, but it can come across as dismissive to label someone as "lucky" for x, y or z.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: lilfox on July 23, 2014, 01:46:32 PM
I have a feeling that if Jane is telling Jon that OP was rubbing her spending habits in Jane's face, any response OP makes to Jane's (or Jon's) money comments isn't going to be taken well.  "I saved up for this" = implying Jane can't manage her own money well.  "It's good construction and will last years" = implying Jane buys only cheaply made things.  Even an "Okay..." or shrug could be read as dismissive if one is inclined to be insulted about someone else's spending habits.  I mean, she's already reading OP's ability to spend $45 as a somewhat personal affront.

I think it's a no-win situation all around.  I would probably respond with something like "Oh yeah, I noticed the price.  I'll have to think about it."  The hidden meaning, much like saying you have "other plans" when those other plans are sitting around watching TV, is you're thinking about whether you want the skirt itself, not worrying about the price.

I'd also guess that their complaint about the drinks isn't that it's a margarita for $7 and not $2, but that you'd buy a $7 cocktail instead of a $2 happy hour special or soda simply because it is cheaper.

I hope Jane (at least) has other non-money-related good traits that make her a worthwhile friend, but I would avoid situations with her that involve spending money.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: rose red on July 23, 2014, 01:48:05 PM
I bought a new car last fall.  I know there were a few people with the 'must be nice' line around.

But then, I don't smoke, I don't drink much, I don't go out for dinner or get take out more than twice a month, I don't buy convenience food and I don't take a tropical vacation every winter.  So yeah, I can afford to buy a new car rather than a used beater.

It annoys me no end when coworkers moan about having no money and yet have no problem spending $15-$20 a day on cigarettes, coffee and take out for lunch.  That's around $5000 a year right there! (5 days a week X 50 weeks)

Oh yeah. There are those who can't see the big picture and don't think the pennies add up. I have coworkers who eat breakfast and lunch from restaurants or from the company cafeteria every single day. That's at least $50 a week. Yet they can't believe I spent over $100 for a purse when purses can be brought for $20-30. Well, I admit $100 is a lot of money but the purse will last me years and years (if I use it for even one year, that's less than one penny a day). I have no problem with them eating out. It's their money and it makes them happy. But I have to secretly roll my eyes at how they can't see they are actually spending more than I do. It just seems less when it's only $5 here and $7 there.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: lowspark on July 23, 2014, 02:02:59 PM
I mean, she's already reading OP's ability to spend $45 as a somewhat personal affront.

This is exactly it! She sees OP's purchases as a personal affront! That's ridiculous! What I spend on something has absolutely no affect on you. And vice versa.

And maybe that's the answer. When she says something you are buying is expensive, I might be tempted to say, "How does that affect you?" Well, I probably wouldn't. I'd probably still just say "Is it? hmmm." or something like that. But if it got to the point where I was really fed up and wanted to say something to really make her stop, this might be the way to go.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Allyson on July 23, 2014, 02:10:41 PM

I am also hypothyroid - makes things all that much more difficult for sure.  But yes, commentary about "luck" is best to ignore and assume people are coming from a good place.  I try to never make assumptions about how hard someone has (or has not) worked to get whatever it is they have.  Some people have trust funds; other people worked two jobs while going to school full time.  Life isn't fair, but it can come across as dismissive to label someone as "lucky" for x, y or z.

I agree with this totally. First, the assumptions might be wrong. And second, ok, so someone has a trust fund/good metabolism/friends in high places. Making passive-aggressive digs about their luck is not fair or nice; what are they supposed to do? Sure, it's one thing if that person is being really oblivious to other people's struggles (the sort of person who just doesn't understand why people can't find a job/lose weight/find a good partner). But just because one has an advantage in one area of life doesn't mean it's open season for others to make snarky comments that only seem designed to make them feel badly about it.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: siamesecat2965 on July 23, 2014, 02:20:13 PM

Oh yeah. There are those who can't see the big picture and don't think the pennies add up. I have coworkers who eat breakfast and lunch from restaurants or from the company cafeteria every single day. That's at least $50 a week. Yet they can't believe I spent over $100 for a purse when purses can be brought for $20-30. Well, I admit $100 is a lot of money but the purse will last me years and years (if I use it for even one year, that's less than one penny a day). I have no problem with them eating out. It's their money and it makes them happy. But I have to secretly roll my eyes at how they can't see they are actually spending more than I do. It just seems less when it's only $5 here and $7 there.

Slightly OT but kind of related. Several years back, in an attempt to get my finances under control, for several months I wrote down every penny I spent. Whether on lunch out, or a cup of coffee, or a roll of paper towels at the store.

Wow, what an eye opener. I used to hit the Panera next to my second job, when I was working 3 nights a week, for dinner beforehand. That alone was close to $30. Then there was lunch. Again, even $5 a day adds up fast.

At the end of each month, i'd break it out, and sort into categories, eating out (which included coffee, etc.), groceries, gas, and misc. Even stopping the dinners out altogether, and allowing myself one lunch out a week, and I don't really buy coffee out much at all, I was still spending quite a bit.

 I stopped a while back, but really should go back to doing it. It really does help to see exactly what you spend what on.

But I agree on certain things; I'm going to buy what I want, regardless of what anyone else thinks about the cost.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: DavidH on July 23, 2014, 02:48:39 PM
I definitely see how it gets annoying.  I would typically say something like, "Yes, but I think it's worth it", if I did or if I didn't say, "Yes, and it wasn't really that great after all."  As perpetua mentioned, there is an element of sensitivity required.  If you are heading off for a lavish shopping spree, then it may be better not to invite your friend who is having trouble paying their bills, since it can set up an awkward situation.  There is the element of tone too.  If you're looking at a menu and your friend remarks that the lobster seems expensive, it is fine to say either yes, but I really want a treat, or now that you mention it, it does seem kind of overpriced. 
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: pickles50 on July 23, 2014, 07:24:40 PM
From a completely different perspective:

I do this to a friend of mine, comment how expensive things are that she bought.

This is the tactic I use on her because she constantly complains about how she has no money...because she spends it on a bunch of smalls things. Where as I spend mine on big things and forgo the small things.

I'm sure it annoys her but not as much as it annoys me to hear her whine about how she can barely pay all her bills on time.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: lakey on July 23, 2014, 08:29:29 PM
I think sometimes the best response is to not say anything at all. If you don't answer they might realize that they shouldn't have brought it up.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: JolieFille on July 23, 2014, 09:05:15 PM
I have a feeling that if Jane is telling Jon that OP was rubbing her spending habits in Jane's face, any response OP makes to Jane's (or Jon's) money comments isn't going to be taken well.  "I saved up for this" = implying Jane can't manage her own money well.  "It's good construction and will last years" = implying Jane buys only cheaply made things.  Even an "Okay..." or shrug could be read as dismissive if one is inclined to be insulted about someone else's spending habits.  I mean, she's already reading OP's ability to spend $45 as a somewhat personal affront.

I think it's a no-win situation all around.  I would probably respond with something like "Oh yeah, I noticed the price.  I'll have to think about it."  The hidden meaning, much like saying you have "other plans" when those other plans are sitting around watching TV, is you're thinking about whether you want the skirt itself, not worrying about the price.

I'd also guess that their complaint about the drinks isn't that it's a margarita for $7 and not $2, but that you'd buy a $7 cocktail instead of a $2 happy hour special or soda simply because it is cheaper.

I hope Jane (at least) has other non-money-related good traits that make her a worthwhile friend, but I would avoid situations with her that involve spending money.

Yes Jane is a pretty awesome friend. We've been friends since 6th grade. When we go on outings just the two of us she doesn't say anything and we have a great time. Jon seems to like to point things out that she otherwise wouldn't notice or care about.

I have a small update! I talked to her about this today actually, because it was bugging me. Apparently Jon is bitter due to not having a lot of money as a kid and seeing me spend money freely triggers resentment, I guess because his mom wasn't responsible? O.o Okaay. I think part of the problem is they all know how much money I make  :-[ I apparently become a blabber mouth when given pain medication and mentioned it in the midst of one of my surgeries earlier this year. Ooops.  :-[ :-[

She also said he says the same things about her parents, he just doesn't say them out loud in front of them. Can he please apply that to me? I knew my gut instinct of not inviting him along on most of our outings was correct. I have an Urban Decay addiction, and I seriously do not want to hear comments on that.

Edited because I hit post too soon >_< : She promised to talk to him and tell him that he needs to 'keep his mouth shut' her words. So I hope next time we're out I can enjoy my 7$ margarita and not get the stink eye.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Peppergirl on July 23, 2014, 11:24:49 PM
Hmmm, so in other words, she's commenting because he is being judgmental of you?   >:(

I actually think I'd be even more annoyed by that than before. It's bad enough when a friend makes those comments, but to be making them because her BF thinks it or is badmouthing your spending habits to her?  That's pretty shady.   
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Aluminum on July 24, 2014, 01:23:23 AM
I have an Urban Decay addiction, and I seriously do not want to hear comments on that.


I think others have given you good suggestions regarding how to nurture your friendship with Jane.  I just want to provide affirmation:

Urban Decay is brilliant, and don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise.  I'd have considered selling my firstborn (had I had one) for the Motherlode Collection. 



Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: siamesecat2965 on July 24, 2014, 05:47:20 AM
I have an Urban Decay addiction, and I seriously do not want to hear comments on that.


I think others have given you good suggestions regarding how to nurture your friendship with Jane.  I just want to provide affirmation:

Urban Decay is brilliant, and don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise.  I'd have considered selling my firstborn (had I had one) for the Motherlode Collection. 

Just have to add I'm partial to UD as well.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: rose red on July 24, 2014, 08:42:37 AM
If it were me, I would simply stop shopping with these people. I may (a big "may") still eat out with them, but there's no reason to shop together, especially if they ruin the joy of it. She says Jon has the problem, but she's the one making comments.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: pierrotlunaire0 on July 24, 2014, 09:01:30 AM
That's along the lines of someone whose mother was an alcoholic, and makes snarky comments whenever they see you take a drink.

But I'm not your mom.  My behavior has no impact on your life.  Keep it to yourself.

I am also now wondering if Jane only said in passing to Jon that the price tag on the skirt was $45,  and Jon upped it to "rubbing Jane's face in it" because he was trying to get OP's BF to clamp down on her.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: tinkytinky on July 24, 2014, 09:13:46 AM
That's along the lines of someone whose mother was an alcoholic, and makes snarky comments whenever they see you take a drink.

But I'm not your mom.  My behavior has no impact on your life.  Keep it to yourself.

I am also now wondering if Jane only said in passing to Jon that the price tag on the skirt was $45,  and Jon upped it to "rubbing Jane's face in it" because he was trying to get OP's BF to clamp down on her.

Good point. I also wonder if Jane said anything to Jon at all, and because he knew they went shopping together and he has issues with OP making decent money, that OP was rubbing Jane's face in it.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: lowspark on July 24, 2014, 09:31:39 AM
I think it's great that you just had a talk with her about this. I often think that so many of the problems posted here could be solved by just sitting down and having a calm discussion between the involved parties. I believe that most people's intentions are good and that so many times, they don't realize that whatever they are doing is bothering someone and would really want to correct it if they only knew.

I hope you'll come back at some point in the future to let us know if the talk ends up with positive results.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: MrTango on July 24, 2014, 09:31:48 AM
I got my sister to stop doing this by responding the same way every time:

Her: (comment about how expensive something is, can I afford it, shouldn't I get something less expensive)
Me: "Are you paying for it?"
Her: "No!"
Me: "Then I guess there's no reason you need to concern yourself with the cost, is there?"
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Outdoor Girl on July 24, 2014, 09:49:09 AM
This reminds me of my Dad's 80th birthday dinner.  My brother and I were treating Dad and 8 of his friends for dinner.  One friend is a real bargain guy - always using Groupons, etc.  He was ordering a beer and had seen a special in the drinks menu and asked about it.  But it only applied after 8:00 and we were there before 6:00.  Then he asked if there was a senior's discount.  And then started to make a little more noise.  The server was getting a deer in the headlights look so I finally just snapped a little.

'[name], you aren't even paying for it!  Order your dingdangity beer so the rest of us can, too.'  Everyone laughed, he ordered his beer and we continued on for the rest of the evening.  Probably not the most polite way to have done it but it fit with the group and shut it down in a hurry.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: JenJay on July 24, 2014, 09:53:27 AM
I'd say "The price seems reasonable to me." every single time. Also, I'd stop inviting Jon to go shopping. Cheap things and dinners, fine, but if the point is to buy something he wouldn't be included. If either of them complained I'd say "No hurt was intended. You told me it upsets Jon/you to see people spend money, I'm just trying to be considerate of his/your feelings."  ;)
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: JenAnn on July 24, 2014, 11:58:38 AM
Wow, I would probably spend less time, or perhaps none at all, with this friend.  She and her bf keep putting you in a very uncomfortable position. and that is inexcusable.  I don't think a friend does that.  We all know people with more money than us, and people with less money than us, but who the heck makes comments like this simply because we accordingly spend differently from one another?  And actually, even amongst people with similar income levels, choices on what to spend money on can be quite different.  My cousin loves to seek out the best restaurants on vacation and orders drinks, appetizers, the most expensive entrees, wines, and desserts, the whole nine yards.  The only part of this that irks me, if I am with her, is when she tries to get us all to split the bill (when I am choosing to order much more conservatively because I don't personally like to spend a lot of money on a meal) and absorb her extravagance.  In other words, if it doesn't affect me, I have no business judging or commenting on it.  Your friend is rude.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Mergatroyd on July 24, 2014, 12:27:47 PM
Regardless of whether they know how much you make or not, what you spend is non of their (especially his) business. If he was close enough to care and worry about you spending beyond your means then maybe it would be worth having a discussion about different money management resources and techniques but it doesn't sound like he is. There is a different between being frugal, and being a miser who wants to save everyone else's money as well as their own.

Knowing his background, the most effective way to put a sock in his mouth about this is to respond, "My finance app (or broker, or adviser, or budgeting spreadsheet) assures me that I can afford this." Pared with a thousand yard stare.

For the average commenter it would be overkill, but this guy will keep on harping unless he is convinced that you've got that under control, thank you very much.

Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: JolieFille on July 24, 2014, 12:39:38 PM
I can add a bit more background to this situation.

I think when Jon says these things he's trying to protect Jane albiet clumsily.

When we were kids we used to go down town a lot and my grandmother would take us down to the 16th St Mall (Yep we're in Denver!) and let us shop, and talk and get us lunch. My nana provided my allowance for shopping and it was always a greater sum than Jane's. This bothered her, a lot because her parents didn't want to give her a lot of money due to Big Finacial Issues they didn't really tell her about. Since of course no one tells me anything I thought that what she had to spend was her allowance and it was one of those 'their family does it different' moments.A lot of times I was allowed to do this because my mom was very sick and in and out of hospitals a lot.  This was before Jon was ever in the picture.

Jane is over this and we've talked about it to death.This is why I think Jon is trying to protect her, because he's heard it beat to death from her. I can't buy a time machine sadly so the past is the past and we've been trying to go forth and have positive memories. Really really hard when Jon does things like this.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: JenAnn on July 24, 2014, 01:07:08 PM
So this goes back to a painful childhood reality for her, but they both need to just stop already.  If she can't get past this enough to stop with the uncomfortable comments, then it's time for you to stop spending time together (or would be for me).  It's nice to understand the reason behind it, but it doesn't change the fact that it's bad behavior and unacceptable.  She isn't a child any longer and it is inappropriate adult behavior.  How are you supposed to have fun with them when you are on pins and needles about the cost of every purchasing decision you make?  Eating at Chilis and having a $7 margarita isn't exactly wildly extravagant, so maybe you would only be safe from commentary with them at McDonalds. 

My mother was a low-income single parent, so we never had much of anything and there were many activities I had to skip due to lack of funds.  And I have friends for whom everything came so much easier, and that continued through college which their parents funded, and then beyond college they were still way ahead because they hadn't incurred any college loan debt.  Plus some were helped monetarily even after college to some degree.  So I get that it's a little hard to see close friends who have it so much better, been there done that, but it's no excuse for this behavior.  I never did this to anyone, ever.  To me, that's wallowing in it (why exactly did she need to "beat this to death" with her bf?  Really??  More wallowing....).  I think you are being kind and sympathetic, perhaps more than you should be, out of some misplaced guilt.  As someone who has been on the other side, I still think this is bad behavior and I wouldn't continue to excuse it.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: rose red on July 24, 2014, 01:23:33 PM
I'm confused. You keep saying this is Jon's issue and she's over her past, but then why would Jane make a comment about the $45 skirt? Was Jon even there or did she tell him about it later? I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like Jane is over her past since she beats both you and Jon to death about it to the point that Jon thinks you are rubbing it in her face (tell someone the same thing over and over and they'll start to believe it and to "see" it, especially when it comes to your SO). Even you are enabling her by saying you have a coupon for the skirt.

I'm not saying you should stop being her friend, but it's a good idea to be aware that this issue is coming from both of them and not just Jon.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: lowspark on July 24, 2014, 01:30:49 PM
I agree that the fact that this stems from something that happened when you were kids is troublesome. She needs to get over it already. I know people who simply cannot get past stuff that happened in their childhood. And it's usually stuff that couldn't be avoided or wasn't anyone's fault, but from their point of view, it ends up coloring their whole view on life.

We've all had some bad stuff happen or something that in the moment seemed terrible, especially as kids when you have so little control over things. But we need to grow up and move on. She's beating a dead horse and the fact that she's beating it enough that her boyfriend sees it as still a current issue indicates that she is absolutely not over it.

Like I said, it's good that the two of you sat down and talked about it. But the more I think about it the more I wonder if she will harbor resentment over this till the day she dies. If she can't find a way to get over this, or at least keep it to herself, at some point you might have to make a decision about whether it's healthy to continue this friendship.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: wolfie on July 24, 2014, 01:48:07 PM
I can add a bit more background to this situation.

I think when Jon says these things he's trying to protect Jane albiet clumsily.

When we were kids we used to go down town a lot and my grandmother would take us down to the 16th St Mall (Yep we're in Denver!) and let us shop, and talk and get us lunch. My nana provided my allowance for shopping and it was always a greater sum than Jane's. This bothered her, a lot because her parents didn't want to give her a lot of money due to Big Finacial Issues they didn't really tell her about. Since of course no one tells me anything I thought that what she had to spend was her allowance and it was one of those 'their family does it different' moments.A lot of times I was allowed to do this because my mom was very sick and in and out of hospitals a lot.  This was before Jon was ever in the picture.

Jane is over this and we've talked about it to death.This is why I think Jon is trying to protect her, because he's heard it beat to death from her. I can't buy a time machine sadly so the past is the past and we've been trying to go forth and have positive memories. Really really hard when Jon does things like this.

What, exactly, would you do differently? Because I really don't see what anyone did wrong here. yes it sucks when your friends can afford more then you can, but unfortunately that is life. It is not up to your friends to make up for it for you. Would you have not invited her to go with you? Would you have shared your money with her? Would you have spent less? It seems like you feel like you should have done something differently... but I am not sure what you think you did wrong.

In any event that is the past and we all have to move on from there eventually. Sometimes our childhoods suck but we can't change it and part of being an adult is being able to say "that was then, this is now". And it still sucks when we have money issues and our friends don't but that isn't their fault and they don't need to pretend they don't have money because we can't deal with it.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: Eeep! on July 24, 2014, 02:55:43 PM
I can add a bit more background to this situation.

I think when Jon says these things he's trying to protect Jane albiet clumsily.

When we were kids we used to go down town a lot and my grandmother would take us down to the 16th St Mall (Yep we're in Denver!) and let us shop, and talk and get us lunch. My nana provided my allowance for shopping and it was always a greater sum than Jane's. This bothered her, a lot because her parents didn't want to give her a lot of money due to Big Finacial Issues they didn't really tell her about. Since of course no one tells me anything I thought that what she had to spend was her allowance and it was one of those 'their family does it different' moments.A lot of times I was allowed to do this because my mom was very sick and in and out of hospitals a lot.  This was before Jon was ever in the picture.

Jane is over this and we've talked about it to death.This is why I think Jon is trying to protect her, because he's heard it beat to death from her. I can't buy a time machine sadly so the past is the past and we've been trying to go forth and have positive memories. Really really hard when Jon does things like this.

What, exactly, would you do differently? Because I really don't see what anyone did wrong here. yes it sucks when your friends can afford more then you can, but unfortunately that is life. It is not up to your friends to make up for it for you. Would you have not invited her to go with you? Would you have shared your money with her? Would you have spent less? It seems like you feel like you should have done something differently... but I am not sure what you think you did wrong.

In any event that is the past and we all have to move on from there eventually. Sometimes our childhoods suck but we can't change it and part of being an adult is being able to say "that was then, this is now". And it still sucks when we have money issues and our friends don't but that isn't their fault and they don't need to pretend they don't have money because we can't deal with it.

I agree with this. I realize that perhaps there is more about your childhood mall trips than you have mentioned but with the info given I don't see anything wrong. I grew up in a fairly affluent area and we were not affluent. A lot of my friends could buy way more than I ever could. I don't hold this against them.  Perhaps my memories of "mall trips" aren't so fabulous as theirs but that isn't my memory of them. (not that I really have many shopping memories. lol.) But unless you were somehow flaunting what you were buying in a way that made her feel bad, I'm not seeing why you even had anything to feel guilty about.   So, in my book, it doesn't even appear to be much fodder for numerous discussions.  I mean, what is there to discuss? "When we were kids, you got a much bigger allowance than I did." "Yes I did."  The end.   (I know I'm over simplifying but you get the point.)  I think perhaps you have let her have more headspace than she and the situation really deserves.

Besides, as Wolfie mentioned, she really should have moved past this, regardless. For Jon to think he needs to protect her, she needs to have given him things he is protecting her about. If this is the fact that when growing up your parents had more money than her parents, then - despite your numerous discussions - she still hasn't moved past this. 

And all of that is to say, if she hasn't moved past it, there is nothing you can really do short of not spending money in front of her.
Title: Re: Wow! That's Expensive!!
Post by: JolieFille on July 24, 2014, 06:59:55 PM
I should probably clarify that Jon was there during the skirt incident. Hot topics is the store we were in so it's not like we dragged the poor guy to a store that wouldn't interest him. I think she was more surprised at the price than trying to say anything  bad and he grabbed the ball and ran off with it to score a touchdown.

I find that this is only a problem when he's with us. When Jane and I go off and do things even if my boyfriend happens to be there she's normal and fun. Which is why I believe her when she say she's gotten over it; I just feel like Jon brings it back up for her when he comments. And it's not making people like him either. And the kicker is, I wasn't paying for supper on Sunday. My boyfriend was. And my boyfriend ordered a margarita too. My boyfriend is pretty non-confrontational and just kind of gave it a raised eyebrow. My boyfriend doesn't drink all that much so didn't consume as much of his drink as I did (he has an aversion to anything not make your teeth run away sweet, and that drink was a little bitter)  and the comments at the end got to the point of " that was an expensive sip; wasn't it?" "why order that if you aren't going to drink it all" >_<

Jane promised she would talk to him and give him a thwack upside the head since apparently this is a problem for her, too.

When we were kids, if I had known how bad she was feeling there were about 85 other things we could have done. I just didn't know and that's why I feel bad.