Etiquette Hell

Wedding Bliss and Blues => Where Do I Start? => Topic started by: Lady_Belle on January 27, 2017, 10:20:07 PM

Title: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: Lady_Belle on January 27, 2017, 10:20:07 PM
My SO and I have decided to forgo all the fuss of an engagement and wedding and just elope on a weekend in October of this year... We have been talking about it for a long time. We want to get married secretly - and then surlprise everyone later with the news.

Just recently, my SO's younger brother proposed to his GF... they have indicated they don't plan to get married for atleast a couple years. My question is.... is it in any way rude to suddenly get married in October? Over 6 months later? i am worried about it being seen as overshadowing them, but we do not want to delay our plan any longer either. Am I stressing over nothing?
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: EllenS on January 27, 2017, 10:38:33 PM
Yes. You are.  ;)
Getting engaged doesn't give them "dibs" over anything except the actual wedding or possibly an engagement party. Even then, it's only inconsiderate if they invite people for a specific date and you knowingly schedule a conflicting event for the same guest ist.
Nobody is required to put their lives on hold indefinitely for an engagement.
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: Luci on January 27, 2017, 11:05:59 PM
Nobody is required to put their lives on hold indefinitely for an engagement.

Simply and clearly said.
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: FauxFoodist on January 28, 2017, 12:37:27 AM
My SO and I have decided to forgo all the fuss of an engagement and wedding and just elope on a weekend in October of this year... We have been talking about it for a long time. We want to get married secretly - and then surlprise everyone later with the news.

Just recently, my SO's younger brother proposed to his GF... they have indicated they don't plan to get married for atleast a couple years. My question is.... is it in any way rude to suddenly get married in October? Over 6 months later? i am worried about it being seen as overshadowing them, but we do not want to delay our plan any longer either. Am I stressing over nothing?

Yes -- even if they were getting married soon, there's no reason you'd have to put off getting married (or for them to worry about it if you were to plan a wedding, as long as you don't deliberately schedule them to happen at the same time same date but different weddings).

DH and I were engaged for a few years before we got married.  BIL and SIL got engaged about 2-3 years after we did then we were all planning weddings (they got married a few months before we did).  It never occurred to any of us that anyone had "dibs" on a year (and I really don't know why anyone would care).
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: Alicia on January 28, 2017, 06:05:27 AM
Engagement really means don't plan your wedding for same week they do. (Some people say same day but I think give them the week)
That said be very very sure you want to live with the repercussions of the hurt feelings that will occur at the being kept from even being told about the wedding in advance.
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: gellchom on January 28, 2017, 09:58:00 AM
As they have said they don't plan on having their wedding for at least a couple of years, of course you should go ahead with your own plans.  What if they wait five years? :-)

At most, you might want to swear your brother to secrecy and tell him of your plans just to check that he hasn't changed his mind and might schedule his wedding for around the same time as your planned elopement. Even if it weren't the exact same weekend, I could see your wanting to avoid it for upstaging, if not conflict, purposes. (Or he might for the same reason move his plans.)  No, you aren't required to, but I think it is nice that you are wanting to be so considerate.

It does sound very unlikely, however, so maybe you can accomplish the same goal just by talking to him and making sure that there really is no chance of their planning their wedding for this fall.
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: gramma dishes on January 28, 2017, 09:58:05 AM
Since you are planning to elope, you don't even have to worry about overlapping guest lists!  Go ahead with your plans by all means.  It is unlikely that they'll pick the exact wedding date you were planning (not even probably the same year apparently) and that's the only conflict that would count.
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: rose red on January 28, 2017, 10:42:43 AM
You are planning to elope in October. They are waiting for a few years. I don't see a problem.

I don't see a problem even if you plan a BWW in October. One engagement/wedding has nothing to do with the other. You won't be stealing their thunder. They will get their moment in a few years and nobody will be thinking how you got married first. Like a PP said, you can't plan your life around other people's schedule.
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: gellchom on January 28, 2017, 11:20:23 AM
Since you are planning to elope, you don't even have to worry about overlapping guest lists!  Go ahead with your plans by all means.  It is unlikely that they'll pick the exact wedding date you were planning (not even probably the same year apparently) and that's the only conflict that would count.

I don't believe that the OP was concerned about overlapping guest lists, just not wanting to draw focus or seem like  trying to jump ahead of her brother. Of course there is no rule that she should even have to be concerned about that, but I think it is very nice of her to care. As we are all saying, however, that is absolutely no problem on these facts. At most I would try to make sure that her brother isn't reconsidering and thinking of planning on a wedding for this fall. Even if he is, she can still do whatever she wants, but it will give her the information she needs to make her decisions.
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: gramma dishes on January 28, 2017, 11:44:27 AM
Since you are planning to elope, you don't even have to worry about overlapping guest lists!  Go ahead with your plans by all means.  It is unlikely that they'll pick the exact wedding date you were planning (not even probably the same year apparently) and that's the only conflict that would count.

I don't believe that the OP was concerned about overlapping guest lists, just not wanting to draw focus or seem like  trying to jump ahead of her brother. Of course there is no rule that she should even have to be concerned about that, but I think it is very nice of her to care. As we are all saying, however, that is absolutely no problem on these facts. At most I would try to make sure that her brother isn't reconsidering and thinking of planning on a wedding for this fall. Even if he is, she can still do whatever she wants, but it will give her the information she needs to make her decisions.

My comment about overlapping guest lists was in jest since we know that guests are rarely invited to secret elopements!

I agree with the rest of your comment of course.  OP's fiance's brother will have his day in the sun in a different time, place and year.  No need for our OP to be concerned at all.
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: Hmmmmm on January 28, 2017, 04:27:14 PM
I agree planning to get married a within the same year is not an issue. I've never really undestood the "stealing my thunder" concern unless you are seriously upstaging someone at their actual event.

Even if you were both planning big weddings, holding them months apart is no big deal in my opinion. For instance, if I attended your bridal shower and then their wedding 3 weeks later, I'm still going to enjoy and celebrate both events. Sure, two siblings marrying close together does require some coordination to try and make sure there's no overlap or causing similar guest lists to attend back to back weekend events.

Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: Outdoor Girl on January 28, 2017, 08:14:17 PM
You're fine, IMO.  If they were planning their wedding this year?  I'd maybe consider holding off on the announcement of your marriage until after their ceremony but since they aren't getting married for another year or two?  Don't even worry about it.

I'm somewhat conscious of this.  A friend of mine planned his wedding for a particular summer.  His mother up and got married, with a small ceremony, about a month before his wedding.  He and his fiancee were not impressed; they felt she could have waited until after their ceremony.  With that in mind, DF and I are waiting to find out when his estranged daughter is getting married so that if we decide to have a relatively big shin dig, we plan it for after her wedding.  In hopes of not making the estrangement any worse...
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: HannahGrace on January 28, 2017, 08:23:08 PM
I'm confused, OP - you posted about six months ago that you were engaged and planning a wedding.  Now you aren't engaged?
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: Luci on January 28, 2017, 08:46:30 PM
My dad was one of 10, 9 of whom grew to adulthood, married, and bore 2 or 3 children. Some of their spouses were from large families, too. And WWII was going on, which influenced the timing of some of the engagements and weddings.

I have to shudder when I think of the logistics of trying to coordinate all of these engagements and weddings and taking account of impending births if they were worried about stealing soneone's thunder. Whew!
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: sammycat on January 28, 2017, 09:16:11 PM
I agree planning to get married a within the same year is not an issue. I've never really undestood the "stealing my thunder" concern unless you are seriously upstaging someone at their actual event.

Even if you were both planning big weddings, holding them months apart is no big deal in my opinion. For instance, if I attended your bridal shower and then their wedding 3 weeks later, I'm still going to enjoy and celebrate both events. Sure, two siblings marrying close together does require some coordination to try and make sure there's no overlap or causing similar guest lists to attend back to back weekend events.

I agree, except for the last sentence. I can only speak for myself, and my family dynamics, but it wouldn't bother me in the slightest to attend a bridal shower or wedding for Cousin 1 on one weekend, followed by an event for Cousin 2 on weekend two, followed by another wedding event for Cousin 3 on weekend three.  My family has a history of holding gatherings on consecutive weekends for different events, so the fact they were all wedding related wouldn't make the slightest difference. It'd be no different from three separate friends having all these back to back events.  I'm aware other families may view this differently.

When I got married, it was just one a spate of weddings amongst my family and friends within about a six month period. I don't think it occurred to anyone (least of all me) that someone could be "stealing someone's thunder".  Quite the contrary - it was viewed as quite neat that we were all going to have similar wedding anniversary dates etc (and it certainly makes remembering how long people have been married easier, lol).  All the weddings were the traditional white weddings, but it was interesting seeing both the similarities and difference between them all.

OP, plan your wedding for when it suits you, just as your brother and his fiancee are doing. 

Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: gellchom on January 28, 2017, 10:42:46 PM
I agree planning to get married a within the same year is not an issue. I've never really undestood the "stealing my thunder" concern unless you are seriously upstaging someone at their actual event.

Even if you were both planning big weddings, holding them months apart is no big deal in my opinion. For instance, if I attended your bridal shower and then their wedding 3 weeks later, I'm still going to enjoy and celebrate both events. Sure, two siblings marrying close together does require some coordination to try and make sure there's no overlap or causing similar guest lists to attend back to back weekend events.

I agree, except for the last sentence. I can only speak for myself, and my family dynamics, but it wouldn't bother me in the slightest to attend a bridal shower or wedding for Cousin 1 on one weekend, followed by an event for Cousin 2 on weekend two, followed by another wedding event for Cousin 3 on weekend three.  My family has a history of holding gatherings on consecutive weekends for different events, so the fact they were all wedding related wouldn't make the slightest difference. It'd be no different from three separate friends having all these back to back events.  I'm aware other families may view this differently.

When I got married, it was just one a spate of weddings amongst my family and friends within about a six month period. I don't think it occurred to anyone (least of all me) that someone could be "stealing someone's thunder".  Quite the contrary - it was viewed as quite neat that we were all going to have similar wedding anniversary dates etc (and it certainly makes remembering how long people have been married easier, lol).  All the weddings were the traditional white weddings, but it was interesting seeing both the similarities and difference between them all.

OP, plan your wedding for when it suits you, just as your brother and his fiancee are doing.

That's great if you all live nearby.  But if the family is spread out (like mine), three weddings so close in time will require most people to have to choose only one or at most two to attend.  Not only the HCs but the relatives themselves will be disappointed to miss the others.
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: Winterlight on January 29, 2017, 08:41:37 PM
I don't think they are owed a period of years in which no one else has anything happen. Elope in good health and do what works for you both, as long as you don't have the elopement the same weekend they get married!
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: Outdoor Girl on January 30, 2017, 04:49:48 AM
I don't think they are owed a period of years in which no one else has anything happen. Elope in good health and do what works for you both, as long as you don't have the elopement the same weekend they get married!

If they are eloping with no one else present who would be at the brother's wedding, as long as they make the required wedding events, it would be fine.  Not so fine to announce it that weekend, mind you.
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: Mayadoz on January 30, 2017, 05:00:44 AM
I have to shudder when I think of the logistics of trying to coordinate all of these engagements and weddings and taking account of impending births if they were worried about stealing soneone's thunder. Whew!

This reminded me of the guilt I felt when SIL announced she was pregnant after she and BIL had been trying for a baby for about three years...I'd found out I was pregnant with DS a few weeks earlier but hadn't said anything as I'd miscarried previously and didn't want to 'jinx' anything. Of course, it's not something you can keep secret...DS was due/was born a week earlier than her son and was the first grandchild. SIL has never really forgiven me.  :-[
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: PastryGoddess on January 30, 2017, 07:49:20 AM
I'm confused, OP - you posted about six months ago that you were engaged and planning a wedding.  Now you aren't engaged?

Eloping is getting married, so I'm going to assume she's still engaged
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: auntmeegs on January 30, 2017, 08:23:13 AM
I have to shudder when I think of the logistics of trying to coordinate all of these engagements and weddings and taking account of impending births if they were worried about stealing soneone's thunder. Whew!

This reminded me of the guilt I felt when SIL announced she was pregnant after she and BIL had been trying for a baby for about three years...I'd found out I was pregnant with DS a few weeks earlier but hadn't said anything as I'd miscarried previously and didn't want to 'jinx' anything. Of course, it's not something you can keep secret...DS was due/was born a week earlier than her son and was the first grandchild. SIL has never really forgiven me.  :-[

How pathetic.  Shame on her. 
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: HannahGrace on January 30, 2017, 08:37:17 AM
I'm confused, OP - you posted about six months ago that you were engaged and planning a wedding.  Now you aren't engaged?

Eloping is getting married, so I'm going to assume she's still engaged

The OP said they were going to "forego the fuss of an engagement" which is where my question came from. You're right that it doesn't really matter.
Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: gellchom on January 30, 2017, 08:40:48 AM
I'm confused, OP - you posted about six months ago that you were engaged and planning a wedding.  Now you aren't engaged?

Eloping is getting married, so I'm going to assume she's still engaged

I assume HannahGrace meant a public engagement and planning a non-secret wedding. I believe that "elopement" refers to secretly going off and getting married, often out of town, not just a very small or private ceremony.

Title: Re: Secretly eloping the same year SO's brother gets engaged?
Post by: PastryGoddess on January 30, 2017, 11:26:40 AM
I'm confused, OP - you posted about six months ago that you were engaged and planning a wedding.  Now you aren't engaged?

Eloping is getting married, so I'm going to assume she's still engaged

The OP said they were going to "forego the fuss of an engagement" which is where my question came from. You're right that it doesn't really matter.

ah I see.  I think of engagement meaning the period between a proposal and the marriage.  So whether they do a BWW, a small backyard wedding, or run away to a tropical island they're engaged until the wedding happens or it's called off. 

I saw forgoing the fuss meaning not doing any parties or showers to celebrate the impending nuptials