Etiquette Hell

Wedding Bliss and Blues => Wedding Peeps => The Wedding Party => Topic started by: TheaterDiva1 on March 07, 2017, 12:31:05 AM

Title: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: TheaterDiva1 on March 07, 2017, 12:31:05 AM
http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/marriage/heartbroken-bride-tells-bridesmaids-theyre-uninvited-to-her-wedding/news-story/9faa2ba5cf8f168bcd6ce13a87da2eea

I wasn't sure where to post a possible bridezilla story, so mods, if you need to move this, go for it. :)

And I say "possible bridezilla" because while the bride's behavior wasn't perfect, these so-called friends seem unusually cruel... unless we're not getting the full story here. Either way, I thought this was worthy of discussion.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: MariaE on March 07, 2017, 12:34:26 AM
The word "relationship" messed up the URL - try this instead http://tinyurl.com/jsvkjxq
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: TheaterDiva1 on March 07, 2017, 12:38:57 AM
The word "relationship" messed up the URL - try this instead http://tinyurl.com/jsvkjxq

Sorry about that - I just copied/pasted and forgot about the filter.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: Reika on March 07, 2017, 07:39:42 AM
I have to agree with the one person who said they didn't sound like her friends. It sounds like a very one sided relationship and I hope that she finds better friends.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: Cali.in.UK on March 07, 2017, 09:55:58 AM
I agree that we don't have the full story but if everything the bride says is factual about the last minute bailing and the refusal to partake in milestone bridal events then I'd say that they sound like pretty awful "friends". But I may be projecting a little bit because, similarly, my sister had her old high school clique as her bridesmaids a few years ago even though she's really only friends with two of them still. The girls really liked the idea/honor of being a bridesmaid (something to post more pictures of themselves on social media) but they did not want to put the work in. They ended up treating me (the MOH) and the one other non-clique bridesmaid really badly the whole time, were non-communicative, excluded me from the bachelorette, and then showed up so hungover at the actual wedding that one of them almost wasn't able to go out for the ceremony.

It's a big ask to have someone in your wedding, and people should really only ask those they are currently close with or these type of issues arise. I think the OP should start investing in some new friendships.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: VorFemme on March 07, 2017, 10:21:19 AM
I'm wondering if the bride considered herself part of "the group" and the other girls saw her as a "hanger on" or even a "wannabe", not a member of the main group at all.

And I'd start looking for a completely new group of adult friends - not anyone that she used to hang around ten years or so ago.  But I can say that - as 95% of the people I knew in school and still know now are blood relatives.  We moved a lot as kids and there are whole schools full of people that I have not seen since we moved out of that town to the next one...
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: maksi on March 07, 2017, 01:04:38 PM
Based on this (does anyone have the Reddit link? None of the news pages listed the source :( ) it's almost impossible to tell what's really going on.

Scenario a) She has not-so-good friends, who are flaky or just not as invested in the relationship as she is. Not showing up and/or canceling on the last minute on all of the more or less important wedding-related events is not good.

Scenario b) She had unreasonable demands and the bridesmaids basically walked out - who knows what she demanded from her shower (to even ask for one, is that okay?) or how much she listened to her friends concerning the dresses and schedules.

Scenario c) Something in-between or completely different.

Whatever the real events behind this, I think it's best for all of them to move on. Definitely no re-inviting (unless someone realises they messed up and apologises), but some serious re-evaluating of friendships.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: ladyknight1 on March 07, 2017, 01:18:54 PM
From the article, this is someone who thought friends who were thoughtless and flaky in other situations would suddenly not be thoughtless and flaky when it comes to her wedding?

My sister also had her high school clique friends in her wedding party and now only speaks to two. I am glad we had family members and one friend in our bridal party, and none of the bachelorette, bridal shower, extraneous events.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: PastryGoddess on March 07, 2017, 04:51:47 PM
They all sound very young and immature to be honest.  I'm not sure if anyone was completely in the wrong in this scenario. 
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: lakey on March 07, 2017, 05:25:33 PM
As other commenters have said, whether the bride was justified or not depends on how reasonable her expectations were, and we don't get much in specifics from the article. I don't think a bride has a right to ask the bridesmaids to put on a shower. It's nice if they do, but  I don't feel it's required.We don't know if they can afford to put on a shower.  We don't know what kind of bachelorette she expected. In my experience, the bachelorette is a night of partying and clubbing. But many people now expect the bachelorette to be a weekend getaway or a major all day event. Some younger people just starting out in life can't afford this. I don't think it would be too much for the bride to expect them to do a night of partying.
Among some people, it is expected that the bridesmaids go wedding dress shopping with the bride, but in my area this wasn't really done much. The bride went with her mother and maybe future mother in law. I would have assumed the bridesmaids would attend an engagement party.

It does sound like these bridesmaids weren't showing much interest in participating in this wedding, but there may be more to it than was told in the article.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: Bert on March 07, 2017, 05:48:32 PM
Based on this (does anyone have the Reddit link? None of the news pages listed the source :( ) it's almost impossible to tell what's really going on.

Scenario a) She has not-so-good friends, who are flaky or just not as invested in the relationship as she is. Not showing up and/or canceling on the last minute on all of the more or less important wedding-related events is not good.

Scenario b) She had unreasonable demands and the bridesmaids basically walked out - who knows what she demanded from her shower (to even ask for one, is that okay?) or how much she listened to her friends concerning the dresses and schedules.

Scenario c) Something in-between or completely different.

Whatever the real events behind this, I think it's best for all of them to move on. Definitely no re-inviting (unless someone realises they messed up and apologises), but some serious re-evaluating of friendships.


I agree with your points, and also, I think I found it:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/485sx1/me_21f_with_my_friends_2021f_i_uninvited_them/

Side note, I'm not in the media, I'm not a journalist.  I think it's crazy that what appears to be about a dozen news sites picked this up, and not one of them actually linked to the reddit thread that this story was taken completely from.

Edit: sorry, the link appears to not work because it stops short for some reason, but it should work if you copy and paste it into your search bar.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: VorFemme on March 07, 2017, 06:48:35 PM
It sounds like she is the first in her group to get engaged and plan a wedding.  The rest are still dating around, nothing serious, and may not be ready to "level up" themselves.  They are still young and want to be spontaneous and not be caught in the "older people" trap of always planning ahead. 

Or they could just be busy with college, getting new jobs, and moving on from high school & college - and not have as much time as the bride seems to think that she *needs*.  I remember when being in the wedding party took up little more than the time spent at the rehearsal & then the wedding.  The "shopping" was a matter of what could be affordable and asking what sizes were needed for the order of dresses and if anyone needed to find a shoe, it was along the lines of "strappy black heeled sandals" rather than all identical everything (as if it were the military uniform of the day or the bridesmaids were part of a chorus line in a musical number).

It's also something that different families can have a different perspective on - and the bride had picked up a different idea of what was going to happen than the rest of her friends had...even if they'd all gone to school together.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: TheaterDiva1 on March 07, 2017, 07:04:58 PM
Based on this (does anyone have the Reddit link? None of the news pages listed the source :( ) it's almost impossible to tell what's really going on.

Scenario a) She has not-so-good friends, who are flaky or just not as invested in the relationship as she is. Not showing up and/or canceling on the last minute on all of the more or less important wedding-related events is not good.

Scenario b) She had unreasonable demands and the bridesmaids basically walked out - who knows what she demanded from her shower (to even ask for one, is that okay?) or how much she listened to her friends concerning the dresses and schedules.

Scenario c) Something in-between or completely different.

Whatever the real events behind this, I think it's best for all of them to move on. Definitely no re-inviting (unless someone realises they messed up and apologises), but some serious re-evaluating of friendships.


I agree with your points, and also, I think I found it:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/485sx1/me_21f_with_my_friends_2021f_i_uninvited_them/

Side note, I'm not in the media, I'm not a journalist.  I think it's crazy that what appears to be about a dozen news sites picked this up, and not one of them actually linked to the reddit thread that this story was taken completely from.

Edit: sorry, the link appears to not work because it stops short for some reason, but it should work if you copy and paste it into your search bar.

That link does clear things up... I was torn between thinking she's a bridezilla and they were making a point or they just really didn't want anything to do with her (a whole group of people flaking? Sounds pre-meditated to me). Now I think she was never really part of this group and should've taken the hint earlier that they don't care as much about her as she does about the group.

I REALLY wish we could see what the other girls had to say.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: PastryGoddess on March 07, 2017, 11:41:50 PM
Based on this (does anyone have the Reddit link? None of the news pages listed the source :( ) it's almost impossible to tell what's really going on.

Scenario a) She has not-so-good friends, who are flaky or just not as invested in the relationship as she is. Not showing up and/or canceling on the last minute on all of the more or less important wedding-related events is not good.

Scenario b) She had unreasonable demands and the bridesmaids basically walked out - who knows what she demanded from her shower (to even ask for one, is that okay?) or how much she listened to her friends concerning the dresses and schedules.

Scenario c) Something in-between or completely different.

Whatever the real events behind this, I think it's best for all of them to move on. Definitely no re-inviting (unless someone realises they messed up and apologises), but some serious re-evaluating of friendships.


I agree with your points, and also, I think I found it:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/485sx1/me_21f_with_my_friends_2021f_i_uninvited_them/

Side note, I'm not in the media, I'm not a journalist.  I think it's crazy that what appears to be about a dozen news sites picked this up, and not one of them actually linked to the reddit thread that this story was taken completely from.

Edit: sorry, the link appears to not work because it stops short for some reason, but it should work if you copy and paste it into your search bar.

The forum filters the word rel@tionship so that we don't get the really annoying ads.  So if a link has it, then you'll want to use a link shortener to prevent it. 
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: MariaE on March 08, 2017, 12:29:51 AM
Tinyurl is your friend :) Here's the reddit link shortened: http://tinyurl.com/jnbbp9d
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: maksi on March 08, 2017, 03:43:46 AM
Based on this (does anyone have the Reddit link? None of the news pages listed the source :( ) it's almost impossible to tell what's really going on.

Scenario a) She has not-so-good friends, who are flaky or just not as invested in the relationship as she is. Not showing up and/or canceling on the last minute on all of the more or less important wedding-related events is not good.

Scenario b) She had unreasonable demands and the bridesmaids basically walked out - who knows what she demanded from her shower (to even ask for one, is that okay?) or how much she listened to her friends concerning the dresses and schedules.

Scenario c) Something in-between or completely different.

Whatever the real events behind this, I think it's best for all of them to move on. Definitely no re-inviting (unless someone realises they messed up and apologises), but some serious re-evaluating of friendships.


I agree with your points, and also, I think I found it:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/485sx1/me_21f_with_my_friends_2021f_i_uninvited_them/

Side note, I'm not in the media, I'm not a journalist.  I think it's crazy that what appears to be about a dozen news sites picked this up, and not one of them actually linked to the reddit thread that this story was taken completely from.

Edit: sorry, the link appears to not work because it stops short for some reason, but it should work if you copy and paste it into your search bar.

Thanks! :) It's my pet peeve: creating news out of something from Reddit and not linking to it! I guess the first one didn't do it and the rest just took it from them, almost word for word, and never went to look for the original thread.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: Kiwipinball on March 08, 2017, 08:33:59 AM
Based on this (does anyone have the Reddit link? None of the news pages listed the source :( ) it's almost impossible to tell what's really going on.

Scenario a) She has not-so-good friends, who are flaky or just not as invested in the relationship as she is. Not showing up and/or canceling on the last minute on all of the more or less important wedding-related events is not good.

Scenario b) She had unreasonable demands and the bridesmaids basically walked out - who knows what she demanded from her shower (to even ask for one, is that okay?) or how much she listened to her friends concerning the dresses and schedules.

Scenario c) Something in-between or completely different.

Whatever the real events behind this, I think it's best for all of them to move on. Definitely no re-inviting (unless someone realises they messed up and apologises), but some serious re-evaluating of friendships.


I agree with your points, and also, I think I found it:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/485sx1/me_21f_with_my_friends_2021f_i_uninvited_them/

Side note, I'm not in the media, I'm not a journalist.  I think it's crazy that what appears to be about a dozen news sites picked this up, and not one of them actually linked to the reddit thread that this story was taken completely from.

Edit: sorry, the link appears to not work because it stops short for some reason, but it should work if you copy and paste it into your search bar.

That link does clear things up... I was torn between thinking she's a bridezilla and they were making a point or they just really didn't want anything to do with her (a whole group of people flaking? Sounds pre-meditated to me). Now I think she was never really part of this group and should've taken the hint earlier that they don't care as much about her as she does about the group.

I REALLY wish we could see what the other girls had to say.

Although it sounds like they flaked at different times, so I'm not convinced it was premeditated.  There could have been a realization at some point that only 1-2 friends were going and not wanting to be the only friend there. I think the biggest issue was expecting flaky friends to magically not be flaky. It would have been better for them to decline being in the wedding party, but that can be extremely awkward and they're all quite young. I also don't think it's appropriate to expect your bridesmaids to throw you a shower - that can get pretty pricey (even a simple one could easily be beyond the budget, especially of people in their early 20s).
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: lmyrs on March 08, 2017, 12:11:13 PM
That Reddit thread is a full year old so it's weird to me that articles are only being written about it now.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: artk2002 on March 09, 2017, 04:12:39 PM
I pity the bride. Her "friends" have been giving her signals for a long time now -- since her 18th birthday. The signals are "we don't care at all about you." I'm glad she finally hit her breaking point, although I notice in the Reddit thread she's talking about feeling bad and wanting to reinvite them. So she really hasn't learned the lesson yet.

Had she written here instead of Reddit, we all would have been giving her the "Don't bother with them" line. "These aren't friends." "relationships change. Just because you were BFFs in middle school doesn't mean that you're at all close now." "Time for new friends."

I hope she gets new people in her life.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: VorFemme on March 09, 2017, 05:50:01 PM
I really don't know if those "friends" considered her a part of their group even back in their school years...there are a lot of cliques that tolerate "hangers on" if those on the periphery of the group have some redeeming qualities - like a cute relative on the basketball or football team, a pool at their house, an older sibling with a car or even a parent who might drive the group around,  or something else that means having that person hang around gets the main group access to something fun or special.

I remember someone whose family had a "lake house" - but found out when her parents sold it to raise money for something or otherwise lost access to it (college for an older sibling?  repairs to the main house?  or the grandparent died & it went to an aunt or uncle in the will?  I forget exactly why the kid no longer could "host" out at the lake - just that they couldn't - it's been over 40 years since I graduated high school - so this memory is *old*) - they got moved from "part of the group" to "no longer part of the group" status - because the group had tolerated them for weekend access to that lake house...
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: Oh Joy on March 09, 2017, 06:06:10 PM
I really think it's cool how we can read the story and picture the characters in different ways.

In my head, this group of young women has been giving the OP the slow fade for years and she keeps pushing for closeness.  They're trying to avoid being unkind or having a series of uncomfortable interactions, but just don't have the life skills yet to be more direct about declining and backing away without feeling like they're being mean.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: VorFemme on March 09, 2017, 07:28:02 PM
I really think it's cool how we can read the story and picture the characters in different ways.

In my head, this group of young women has been giving the OP the slow fade for years and she keeps pushing for closeness.  They're trying to avoid being unkind or having a series of uncomfortable interactions, but just don't have the life skills yet to be more direct about declining and backing away without feeling like they're being mean.


I moved a lot as a kid due to my dad's job - I didn't fit in well to small rural schools due to being a dedicated reader...so I empathize with someone who was always hanging around the edges of the larger group...but it's just as possible that the Bride was a member of the group later but the group is getting older and going in different directions with their lives now and she's just not fitting in any longer.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: Winterlight on March 16, 2017, 12:02:02 AM
I think considering their history of flaking she shouldn't re-invite them, because if they bail again on her wedding she's going to be even angrier for trusting that they wouldn't pull this again. Not to mention the joy of being stuck with meals they won't eat from the caterer.

As for the rest, I don't know who's wrong since we only have one side, but letting this friendship fade seems like the best solution.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: Yvaine on March 16, 2017, 10:36:59 AM
It sounds like she is the first in her group to get engaged and plan a wedding.  The rest are still dating around, nothing serious, and may not be ready to "level up" themselves.  They are still young and want to be spontaneous and not be caught in the "older people" trap of always planning ahead. 

I'm thinking something like this too. All of these people are so young, and I think they may partially be flaky and partially just don't know what's expected of them because they've never been in weddings before. The other possibility is that they're just not as close as she thinks.
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: shortstuff on March 16, 2017, 07:47:02 PM
That Reddit thread is a full year old so it's weird to me that articles are only being written about it now.

I noticed that too. 

I checked the user history on the account, to see if there were any other wedding-related posts, and the poor girl was posting in the depression and suicide watch threads 2 months after the bridesmaid incident.   :( :'(  I hope they weren't related, and I hope this story coming out doesn't get back to her and stir up bad feelings
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: crazycatlady331 on March 30, 2017, 07:00:23 PM
This group of people are 20-21.   Most are still in college and/or working crappy paying jobs (ie waiting tables, retail, etc) and don't exactly have money to burn on things like bridal showers.  I know I was nowhere near ready to 'grow up' at that age and thought marriage was for people much older.   Most likely the OP is the first in the circle to get married and things like planning bridal showers is a new concept to this group (who doesn't have money to spend on things like this). 

My BFF in college and I went down separate paths.  She married (a guy who didn't like me and would try to intercept our conversations) shortly after college (I transferred out so we didn't graduate together) and had a child by her 25th birthday.  I'm about to turn 37 (tomorrow) and will likely never have kids.  I'm fine with my friend's different path-- we were there for each other at a specific point in time and now it is just FB updates.

20-21 is a transitional period in people's lives.  Their high school friends (which this group was to the OP) may or may not be around or could be fading out.  It can hurt, but it is a good lesson in early adulthood that friends aren't forever (I wish they would not tell little girls this but that's a tangent). 
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: GreenEyedHawk on March 30, 2017, 08:17:39 PM
Taken at face value, I feel bad for the bride, but I think she should stick to her guns.  If her friends have been trying to give her the slow fade, she should let them. 
Title: Re: "Heartbroken" bride tells bridesmaids they’re uninvited to her wedding
Post by: Vermin8 on April 19, 2017, 11:14:47 AM
I read the newspaper article, not the Reddit thread.
Based on that, I'd say the bride's expectations were unreasonable.
First clue: disappointed that they didn't show up for her 18th birthday. 
In regards to the wedding, throwing a shower is a nice thing to do, not a requirement.  Asking for one is not the way to approach it - if you don't get a shower, it's OK. Move on.  Also, expecting them to be at the other events, like the bach.  One exception would be the shopping IF they were shopping for bridesmaids dresses, also. Then obviously their presence is needed.