Etiquette Hell

Wedding Bliss and Blues => Gifts, Registries and Money => Topic started by: MeowMixer on October 01, 2017, 01:13:36 PM

Title: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: MeowMixer on October 01, 2017, 01:13:36 PM
Hello E-Hell Community!

It has been a long time since I've posted, but I haven't been this irked by something in a long time, and I can't even.

Backstory - Brother in law and fiancé are having a destination wedding. It's a small fortune to go to this (like brand new low end vehicle purchase) and with my hubby being his brother/best man it's not like we had a choice in saying no (without causing a major family rift anyway). No joke we are spending more money attending this than we did our own wedding. It's not even a legally recognized wedding. I just found out they'll be doing a city hall thing and having another reception when we come back. But they're family. So, you bite your tongue, right?

Until I got the shower invitation 3 days ago. Shaking down all the friends and family spending thousands of dollars on this. What is in the card? *Mr and Ms are registered at <stupid expensive kitchen gadget place>. Still don't know what to get them? Mr and Ms would certainly appreciate cash as they plan to buy a house. *

Hosted by, MIL and Mom.

I don't want to go. I was asked by MIL yesterday if I received the invite. I said 'yes I did', and nothing more. I'm married to the grey(used to be black, the relationship has warmed in the last few years) sheep of the family, so most of the time we just ignore everything that comes from that side of the family, but I am just flabbergasted.

So, what do I do? I was only planning on giving a small cash wedding gift, but this bridal shower shake down has me twitching. Do I rsvp 'No' with no explanation. Do I just send a card? Do I assume a new identity and start a new life as a rail boxcar hobo? I'm leaning towards hobo...

please help. Or even if there is no advice please tell me I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. Hubby doesn't understand, he just keeps saying this is a once in a life time experience so go with it.

Thank you
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Zizi-K on October 01, 2017, 01:33:57 PM
An invitation is not a summons! If you don't want to go, you don't have to. And neither are you obligated to give a reason.

"I regret that I will not be able to attend."

That's it!

(Despite the familial relationships, this was also true for the wedding. If you can't afford it and don't want to go--"I'm sorry, I wish we could attend, but that is not possible for us right now."

If you do get pressured into going to the shower, I would buy them a garlic press and be done with it. A sub-$15 gift.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Chez Miriam on October 01, 2017, 02:16:56 PM
I'm with Zizi-K - a garlic press is a wonderful thing!

I would start the discussion with your husband about him attending the wedding on his own: if he feels honoured to be best man, and wants to go, he should - doesn't mean you need to attend.  And if the price is too steep, Zizi-K is absolutely right: don't bankrupt yourselves to fulfil other people's idea of a perfect day!

I'm married to the less-favoured child [he's not a black sheep, but we've been made plenty aware that he's second best], and I think that your family now is you and your husband.  His family-of-origin don't get to dictate how you spend your money.  If you want to go, great!  If you don't want to go, great [but polish up that spine]...  If you want to spend a fortune in the insanely-priced kitchen shop, great!  But I'm with the garlic press. ;) ;D  I wouldn't spend more on someone else's wedding than we did on our own [we had the small wedding we could afford, and did not solicit cash from anyone].  No way, no chance, nope.

Seriously, I don't have any advice to offer [other than stand firm on what you decide], but want to offer {{hugs}}, and best wishes for the least upset for you and your husband.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: gramma dishes on October 01, 2017, 02:40:40 PM
Just out of curiosity, was your husband asked to be the best man before or after you all knew the wedding was going to be a super expensive location wedding?

I can't even begin to imagine spending more on someone else's wedding than I did on my own!   :o
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: doodlemor on October 01, 2017, 02:54:10 PM
I'd be irritated too.  A registry is traditionally just suggestions, not mandatory.  If you go to the shower, feel free to get her whatever you want.

If they haven't lived together long enough to acquire some useful stuff, I dare you to get them some tools at the local hardware store like a hammer, some screwdrivers, and some all purpose nails.

"I'm married to the grey(used to be black, the relationship has warmed in the last few years) sheep of the family".....

It sounds like your DH may have had a difficult upbringing.  If so, he would probably benefit from some sort of therapy.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Luci on October 01, 2017, 05:13:57 PM
The marriage is legally recognized, not valid in the eyes of God to many.

If your husband feels he can't back out of the best man gig, let him go by himself. I really can't find the right words to express the selfishness and thoughtlessness of the couple.

Let's hear it for the garlic press!

Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Harriet Jones on October 01, 2017, 06:19:29 PM
The marriage is legally recognized, not valid in the eyes of God to many.

If your husband feels he can't back out of the best man gig, let him go by himself. I really can't find the right words to express the selfishness and thoughtlessness of the couple.

Let's hear it for the garlic press!

I think OP's point is that the destination wedding is not legal.  I'm assuming the city hall wedding is.

Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Runningstar on October 01, 2017, 07:22:41 PM
Just out of curiosity, was your husband asked to be the best man before or after you all knew the wedding was going to be a super expensive location wedding?

This is the question that I would consider to be very important!!  But also and in any case -having to spend too much money is a very valid reason to cancel on being in the wedding.  If it means so much to the couple, then dh could stand as best man at the civil ceremony if it is local. 





Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: lakey on October 01, 2017, 10:26:34 PM
Give them a nice set of matching potholders and kitchen towels.  Or a nice card with a twenty dollar bill in it, "toward their home purchase".
I'm only partly kidding. I can't think of anything more shallow and self-centered than expecting your guests to spend thousands of dollars to attend your wedding.
Then they top it off by asking for cash for the shower? Because it's your role to fund their buying a house? These people view you as a source of funds.

Seriously, I'd have a good discussion with your husband about how important it is to him to maintain this improving relationship with his greedy, shallow family. If he's genuinely okay with it, I'd RSVP "no" to the shower.

I think part of the reason for the increasing greediness and self-centeredness of marrying couples is that friends and relatives don't want to say "no" to unreasonable demands.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: gellchom on October 02, 2017, 12:12:22 AM
Destination weddings are often very expensive for guests.  It can amount to a luxury vacation for two people, and that can indeed cost as much as a car.  That's one reason I'm not a fan of them in most circumstances.  But at least here on ehell at least they are not considered rude per se.  I do sympathize with the large expense for the OP, although she didn't say they couldn't afford it (luckily), just that it costs more than her own wedding did.  I can see that rankling, but I wouldn't agree that no one should ever spend more to attend than they did on their own wedding -- what if you had a tiny City Hall wedding?  You'd never attend one that required an airfare.

I also think the shower invitation wording is appalling.  But the bare fact of being invited to a shower just because the wedding is expensive to attend?  Not really.  Wouldn't she be insulted if she weren't included in her future sister-in-law's shower?  I don't see it as a "shake down" any more than any other shower.  The "stupidity" of the store where they are registered and the crass cash request are meaningless -- just ignore them and get whatever you ordinarily would as a shower gift.  You don't have to buy something they registered.  Get a cookbook or an apron or a garlic press or whatever.  Boycotting would make a major negative statement you may well regret, if only for your husband's sake, given what you said about how he feels about all this.

While you're shopping, maybe consider getting a wedding gift instead of the small check.  Cash seems to me kind of impersonal from brother to brother.  I'd spend the same amount on something tangible.  Just my opinion.  Anyway, probably your husband should decide what's best for his own brother's wedding gift.  Maybe cash is customary in their family.

Also irrelevant: the civil ceremony one time and the BWW another time.  Many people disapprove of that, but as the OP correctly notes, it's really no skin off her nose.

This wedding seems to have traveled into a "sitch eating crackers" zone.  Do you dislike or resent the bride and/or groom for some other reason?
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: iridaceae on October 02, 2017, 06:29:33 AM
The marriage is legally recognized, not valid in the eyes of God to many.


Somehow I don't think someone who's going to get married at city hall cares much if God recognises their marriage or not. Or if others think God won't find it valid.

In any case, it's a red herring; the OP meant that the wedding is taking place at city hall not in Fiji or wherever where it will be a vow exchange or whatever the term is.

OP, you're irritated enough before spending the money (I would be about this) that I'd simply decline. "Sorry, we've realized this just isn't going to be possible". Trying to be fiscally responsible is about good a reason as there is not to go.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Tea Drinker on October 02, 2017, 07:58:55 AM
No, you're not crazy.

Beyond that, the destination wedding might be a once in a lifetime experience (either in terms of his brother will only get married once, or that you've agreed to go to X resort, so dive in and enjoy it). The wedding shower is not. It's true that I don't think any of my friends even had a wedding shower (not even the three whose wedding parties I was in, so it's not that people didn't bother to invite me), but if rarity makes something a once-in-a-lifetime experience, then  being my husband's "responsible adult of his choosing" to take him home after dental surgery is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

"My brother is getting married once [because he hopes that the marriage will last] and wants me to be part of it" is a reason for him to go. It might be a reason for you to go along: though "MeowMixer would have liked to join me, but we're saving for a house payment and didn't have the money for two airfares" would be a plausible thing to say even if your brother-in-law wasn't saving up for a house himself. Ditto "I wish she could have joined us, but we have to pay the mortgage" or "she just can't take vacation in $month" or "is saving her vacation time to visit her grandmother." Just stick to "I wish she could be here, but it just wasn't possible" and a change of topic rather than "if they'd gotten married back in $hometown, she'd have been happy to attend," because that invites an argument about who's being selfish.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: gellchom on October 02, 2017, 10:23:10 AM
The marriage is legally recognized, not valid in the eyes of God to many.


Somehow I don't think someone who's going to get married at city hall cares much if God recognises their marriage or not. Or if others think God won't find it valid.

I think that's an unfair assumption.  I have several friends who have had to do exactly that because of legal barriers to having their state-recognized marriage performed where they live. 
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: lmyrs on October 02, 2017, 11:50:57 AM
I don't understand why the couple is horribly selfish for wanting a destination wedding, yet the DH is not horribly selfish for wanting to go. Shouldn't DH be more invested in his and OP's finances than his brother is? If DH wants it, why is brother the bad guy?

People can register wherever they want and you don't have to buy them something from there.


... It's true that I don't think any of my friends even had a wedding shower (not even the three whose wedding parties I was in, so it's not that people didn't bother to invite me), ...

Isn't it usually the job of the bridal party to at least help in planning a bridal shower? If you didn't plan one for your friend when you were in the wedding party, it's no wonder that she didn't have one.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Chez Miriam on October 02, 2017, 11:53:22 AM
please help. Or even if there is no advice please tell me I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. Hubby doesn't understand, he just keeps saying this is a once in a life time experience so go with it.

Thank you

You're not crazy, but you know that anyway, right?

If you are going to attend [and I was one of the posters suggesting you let your husband go by himself], can you 're-phrase' it in your mind as that once in a lifetime experience: you're going for 1 or 2 weeks to paradise [or its Earthly equivalent], and the wedding will take up half a day of that time.  It's like visiting an attraction to please your husband when "car-radiator-caps from 1903-1957" really isn't your thing.  If you can persuade your mind that it will be a lovely holiday, with one small chore thrown in for a half-day, it might make it better for you?

Of course, if they're one of those couples that demand much more obeisance than that [not saying they are/will be, but I've read some horror stories on the internet], this is the perfect opportunity to practise your "that will not be possible".  I can't think (of the top of my head) what more they could demand ask of you, but I definitely recall happy couples 'needing' much more time than a ceremony and reception requires.

My friend is having a (to me) destination wedding; were I able to magic* up the funds, I would totally spend three weeks in the Antipodes and visit every last person I know over there.  I suspect there are two massive differences about how I feel: the lovely M is a truly wonderful friend, who I am blessed to know, and she comes from a small soggy island [as do I], but it just happens to be half a planet away.  She's doing it so all her family and growing-up friends can be there, and was apologetic and gracious in equal measures when she (verbally) invited me, stating that she knows a lot of her UK friends won't be able to make it, and she will totally understand when we decline.

If I could, I would, but then she's never treated me/husband like any-coloured ovine!

* It's going to take magic to find the spare cash to fly to the other side of the world, but were I to manage that I would.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Semperviren on October 02, 2017, 01:55:10 PM
I just found out they'll be doing a city hall thing and having another reception when we come back. But they're family. So, you bite your tongue, right?


Just to clarify- they are having a "ceremony" at the destination which is not official in any way, then getting officially getting married at a city hall/ reception thing when they return? Or it will be a city hall marriage at the destination (I know some countries require a "civil" marriage ceremony to make it "legal")?

Either way, all this sounds terribly greedy, but I think I'd feel extra pissed to be on the receiving end of family pressure to spend a fortune to be at a destination wedding that was purely "for show" to begin with.

I'm not against destination weddings, but I think it's on the HC to be very, very understanding when people cannot be there; obviously it can be expensive, arduous and time consuming. It seems like a pretty dirty trick get people to travel all that way for a phaux ceremony.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Redneck Gravy on October 02, 2017, 03:04:08 PM

 But they're family. So, you bite your tongue, right?


No.  You shine your spine and say, "sorry I/we are unable to attend"

If DH has committed to be in the wedding I think he has to attend.  If you choose not to attend then don't go.  But also be prepared for blowback from family (possibly including DH). 

I also detest destination weddings but I have the spine to just say no.  Feelings have been hurt and unkind things whispered.  My family's finances are my business and I have no problem saying no to someone else spending my hard earned money, period.

   



 



Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: MeowMixer on October 02, 2017, 05:14:03 PM
Thank you all, very, very much for the clarity.

I wrote this after speaking with my hubby's step-sister (who was guilted heavily into going by her dad- hubby and bil's stepdad - into going even though she's on assistance and is basically going without groceries for her and her child but that's another story) and tried desperately not to divulge a whole list of grievances in my post. Believe me, I could write a book about these people.


So to answer the questions - yes, we knew it was a destination wedding before hubby was asked to be best man. We talked it over and said we'll make that our overdue vacation, it will be fun, it's more than just the wedding. And yes, we *can* afford it. Cut back in places to put money off to the side so thankfully it is all paid for. Then came the invitation for the bachelorette party (was not in country at the time so I could rsvp 'no') then came talk of making it legal at city hall when they come back and the discussion that they're going to have another reception in home city after that. Then there was the topic of which weekend they should have their Jack and Jill. The bridal shower insert was that thing that sparked the keg in me.

I'm also not at all saying they're having a destination wedding makes them horribly selfish, I have zero qualms about that, what gets me is the amount of other things we're expected to chip in to.

Hubby's family is a giving family in that, the more they give you the more they expect accolades. We never ask for favours, we never go into that debt, it's not worth the headache. The more someone buys for you, the more you are loved (Xmas FSIL gets jewelry, I get socks). Future sister in law is marrying the golden child adored by both parents so whenever either of these two do anything magical rainbows appear and they bend over backwards for them. While I acknowledge this has gone on forever, I let it roll off my back just like my hubby does, we truly don't care, but that insert just triggered something so ugly in me I really thought I'd lose it.

With that said I have decided I am going to drop off a small present at the inlaws when I'm back in the city and give my regrets that I will not be able to attend. And Zizi-K, thank you, garlic press it is!

Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: mime on October 02, 2017, 07:33:19 PM
I think you have a good plan-- giving a small gift may be the price you have to pay for the satisfaction of knowing that you didn't completely ignore the celebration, but didn't give in to an expensive gift-grab.

I can totally see how you were thinking "OK, we're due for a vacation and Jamaica (or wherever) would be really awesome, so let's do it!" Then the scope of this whole circus keeps expanding and nobody but you seems interested in reigning it in. So you're left wondering how much more you'll be expected to give of your time and your money for a couple who (like many HCs, it seems) don't seem to understand that this is The Event of the Year for *them,* not for *everyone*. It especially stings when you are clearly the unfavored-ones in the family!

As the plans go on, figure out your limit of time and money you're going to spend on the whole wedding and related festivities, and don't cross that line. I'm guessing you'll never possibly be able to give enough to satisfy them.

And if I understand correctly that your stepsister's is getting pressure from her parents to go on this trip while she is on public assistance for basic necessities, they should be ashamed of themselves.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: VorFemme on October 02, 2017, 07:35:55 PM
If the garlic press looks tiny by itself - add a small spice rack to it - a kitchen needs a spice rack, even if nobody cooks:  garlic for toast with dinner, cinnamon for toast with breakfast, salt & pepper, and a few of the more common spices - just to have them if a dish needs a touch of extra flavor.  But nobody says that it has to be the huge gourmet spice rack with fenugreek, whole cloves, whole nutmeg, vanilla beans, and saffron included.  (These are the ones that I can name off the top of my head that are either not commonly seen or are more expensive.)

Even a kitchen where nobody cooks looks more like a real kitchen with a few spices in the cabinets or on a rack on the wall!
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: gellchom on October 02, 2017, 09:53:17 PM
I guess I am missing something. 

This is the OP's husband's brother, as close a relative as you can get.  He is the best man, so presumably they're reasonably close.

The OP says she and her husband can afford the trip for the wedding and are looking forward to it.

She didn't have to go to a bachelorette party as she was out of town.

And now she's invited to a shower.  It doesn't appear to require travel.  What's the big deal about that?  Of course they invited her to the shower.

She says the insert is what put her over the edge, and I certainly agree it's repellent. But it's nothing to be "livid" about and to boycott the shower over.  Just ignore it and buy a gift that your budget permits.  Don't skimp just to make a point, though.  You don't have to spend a lot, but choose with a generous spirit, as you would for a friend, not something intended to look small to prove how inferior their values are.

The "golden boy" theme keeps coming up, too.  I get the feeling that the OP has strong negative feelings about her husband's family -- and I'm not saying they aren't 100% justified!  But I just don't see anything so terrible about the wedding (unless you are just utterly opposed to destination weddings) or shower themselves.

Think very carefully before using your BIL's wedding to try to make a statement or criticism.  Weddings loom large in emotions and memories, and you are going to be family for a very long time. Your husband, not they, will pay for any needless negativity thrown on this wedding.  You will never regret being your best, kindest self.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: cross_patch on October 03, 2017, 02:05:51 AM
The marriage is legally recognized, not valid in the eyes of God to many.

If your husband feels he can't back out of the best man gig, let him go by himself. I really can't find the right words to express the selfishness and thoughtlessness of the couple.

Let's hear it for the garlic press!

What?

I guess I am missing something. 

This is the OP's husband's brother, as close a relative as you can get.  He is the best man, so presumably they're reasonably close.

The OP says she and her husband can afford the trip for the wedding and are looking forward to it.

She didn't have to go to a bachelorette party as she was out of town.

And now she's invited to a shower.  It doesn't appear to require travel.  What's the big deal about that?  Of course they invited her to the shower.

She says the insert is what put her over the edge, and I certainly agree it's repellent. But it's nothing to be "livid" about and to boycott the shower over.  Just ignore it and buy a gift that your budget permits.  Don't skimp just to make a point, though.  You don't have to spend a lot, but choose with a generous spirit, as you would for a friend, not something intended to look small to prove how inferior their values are.

The "golden boy" theme keeps coming up, too.  I get the feeling that the OP has strong negative feelings about her husband's family -- and I'm not saying they aren't 100% justified!  But I just don't see anything so terrible about the wedding (unless you are just utterly opposed to destination weddings) or shower themselves.

Think very carefully before using your BIL's wedding to try to make a statement or criticism.  Weddings loom large in emotions and memories, and you are going to be family for a very long time. Your husband, not they, will pay for any needless negativity thrown on this wedding.  You will never regret being your best, kindest self.

I completely agree with this - to be honest, I don’t see (beyond the insert) what they’ve done that’s so appalling.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: gramma dishes on October 03, 2017, 08:53:00 AM


I completely agree with this - to be honest, I don’t see (beyond the insert) what they’ve done that’s so appalling.

How about this:


I wrote this after speaking with my hubby's step-sister (who was guilted heavily into going by her dad- hubby and bil's stepdad - into going even though she's on assistance and is basically going without groceries for her and her child but that's another story) and tried desperately not to divulge a whole list of grievances in my post. Believe me, I could write a book about these people.




 


Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: MagnesiumOxide on October 03, 2017, 09:05:04 AM
They seem like materialistic greedy guts to me and I can understand the frustration, especially with the family stuff we don't even know about.

I like your garlic press idea, but if you can't find one, maybe just get her some socks.   ;D
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Redneck Gravy on October 03, 2017, 09:11:28 AM
I get the vibe that the golden child is marrying the platinum princess and like other pp's have said - it is the wedding of the century - for THEM. 

It's very hard when you are not the golden child or even the silver child in a family where your participation is expected for everything the preferred child does; even if it is morally (or just plain common sense) objective to you.  YOU should be supportive after all this is faaaammmily; we all know the drill and the tone. 

I also understand your reaction to the continued demands of time and/or money.  Draw the line, shine your spine and do the minimum YOU feel required to participate in.  Someone's offended, well crud that's their reaction, not your problem.  Just as you are offended over the insert, acknowledge your anger/aggravation and move on.

I also agree with many pp's about the gift.  There was a suggested list; buy off of it or don't but good gravy don't let this get in your head anymore.  A good garlic press is a lovely gift as is a spice rack or generic blanket, giving a useful gift is never wrong. 

Enjoy the trip and good luck.   Let the other carp go, let it go, let it go and enjoy your DH's companionship on the trip.   
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: lmyrs on October 03, 2017, 10:16:09 AM


I completely agree with this - to be honest, I don’t see (beyond the insert) what they’ve done that’s so appalling.

How about this:


I wrote this after speaking with my hubby's step-sister (who was guilted heavily into going by her dad- hubby and bil's stepdad - into going even though she's on assistance and is basically going without groceries for her and her child but that's another story) and tried desperately not to divulge a whole list of grievances in my post. Believe me, I could write a book about these people.



I think that's a great example of appalling behaviour by step-dad. Not by brother.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Two Ravens on October 03, 2017, 10:20:30 AM


I completely agree with this - to be honest, I don’t see (beyond the insert) what they’ve done that’s so appalling.

How about this:


I wrote this after speaking with my hubby's step-sister (who was guilted heavily into going by her dad- hubby and bil's stepdad - into going even though she's on assistance and is basically going without groceries for her and her child but that's another story) and tried desperately not to divulge a whole list of grievances in my post. Believe me, I could write a book about these people.



I think that's a great example of appalling behaviour by step-dad. Not by brother.

I don't think it speaks well of anyone, but I would be livid at the step sister if she's denying her child food in order to cave to family pressure.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: gellchom on October 03, 2017, 10:34:26 AM


I completely agree with this - to be honest, I don’t see (beyond the insert) what they’ve done that’s so appalling.

How about this:


I wrote this after speaking with my hubby's step-sister (who was guilted heavily into going by her dad- hubby and bil's stepdad - into going even though she's on assistance and is basically going without groceries for her and her child but that's another story) and tried desperately not to divulge a whole list of grievances in my post. Believe me, I could write a book about these people.



I meant, and I believe crosspatch meant, what they've done specifically about this wedding that affects the OP.

As I acknowledged, they certainly may be awful or spoiled or selfish or inconsiderate or unfair people.  The OP says she could write a book. 

But that doesn't really change whether the wedding or shower is objectively rude.  It's human nature for our opinions of actions to be colored by our opinions of and history with the actors -- we all have our witches eating crackers. 

And the bottom line is still only that (1) they're having a destination wedding and (2) they put an obnoxious insert in an invitation.  I don't like those things, either, but I don't think it's rude or something to be "livid" about.  I don't think she can call them out on it (everyone already knows about both those things anyway) without it making her, not them, look bad.  I'd say to go to the shower and wedding, give decent (not lavish, but not pointedly minuscule) gifts, and keep your opinions to yourself -- you can remind yourself that everyone else probably shares your reaction anyway!

I think the OP will be very glad if she doesn't do anything deliberately to make trouble, criticize, or otherwise crank up the drama around her husband's brother's wedding.  And I'm pretty sure her husband will appreciate it.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: bah12 on October 03, 2017, 12:46:40 PM
I get being irritated, but I think the livid-ness of the reaction has to be stemming from somewhere else.  If you knew that it was a destination wedding before agreeing to be a part of it, you can afford it, etc, then why so angry?  Even if I agree that registering at only a super expensive kitchen gadget store and stating that cash is acceptable is tacky, this isn't something that would get me over-the-top angry.  My guess is that there's stress, relationship issues with the IL's or something else that this wedding/shower is being blamed for.

You don't have to go to the shower if you don't want to go.  You don't have to give a reason.  You don't have to give a gift, but if you choose to do, there should be plenty of lower cost kitchen gadgets even in an expensive store.

I don't see what this couple did that is so wrong.  Destination weddings are not inherently rude and they don't replace the other traditional pre-wedding activities such as bachelor/bachelorette parties and showers.  It doesn't matter if their wedding/reception is a legally binding one or if they go to the courthouse before hand and sign paperwork there.  It's a celebration and you either are ok being there to celebrate or you aren't.   
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Outdoor Girl on October 03, 2017, 12:58:52 PM
A destination wedding in and of itself is not rude.  It is rude if the happy couple insists on certain people being there and/or getting upset when certain people can't make it due to financial considerations.  The legalities of it are neither here nor there; it is very typical for destination weddings to not be legal in the country of origin for the happy couple, who then have to do the city hall thing to make it legal.  Nor is it unusual to have a second reception for those people who couldn't make the destination.

The shower, while a little over the line etiquette wise, isn't essentially rude.

Personally, I'd bail on the wedding for myself, send my husband to keep the family piece and attend the shower with the lowest cost kitchen gadget I can find on their registry.  Or find some other people going to the shower and go in on a larger gift as a group.

If I have learned anything over the last couple of years, it is to let 'livid' go as much as possible.  And not express that livid to the person(s) at which it is directed.  I've written a lot of letters that will never be sent, just to get the crap out of my head.  And I'm probably going to print them off and have a ceremonial burning at some point.  Might be something to consider.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: TootsNYC on October 03, 2017, 06:45:37 PM
gellchom wrote:
Quote
Weddings loom large in emotions and memories,

They also trigger big emotions as well.

I think that your strong reaction here is alerting you to the fact that perhaps you are not really as "ok with it" (it = your DH's family's disparity of treatment).


And I do think, actually, it's really self-indulgent and kind of rude to have a non-binding "ceremony"  and expect people to attend. Especially when it's far away, and there doesn't seem to be a reason like "it's my hometown."

I love attending weddings--but not fake ones. And especially not fake ones that happen before the wedding. A vow renewal can happen after the actual vows, so that there were some vows that can be renewed. But there's no such thing as a renewing a vow you haven't even made yet.

It would have to be some pretty important thing for me to change how I viewed that sort of thing. Like, if there were religious vows that the couple considered so binding, but the country didn't, and you had to do the city hall thing in addition. And even then, that had better be a pretty emotionally important church, and that had better be communicated to me.

Otherwise, yes, I'm going to be judging negatively all over the place.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: LifeOnPluto on October 04, 2017, 04:56:09 AM
While not objectively rude, I think that inviting your loved ones to a destination "wedding" (that may not even be a proper wedding in the legal sense), then inviting them a gift shower where the only suggested options are expensive kitchenware or cash, does come across as quite materialistic and tacky. I personally wouldn't feel livid, but I would be quite annoyed!

And if I read correctly, this couple is also having various bachelor(ette) events on top of that!!

That said, I'd go along to the shower, but just take a gift that's within your budget. You aren't obliged by etiquette to give them the expensive kitchenware or cash.

Oh, and I also think you only need to give them ONE wedding gift (even if they end up having two ceremonies/receptions).
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Zizi-K on October 04, 2017, 08:20:33 AM
While not objectively rude, I think that inviting your loved ones to a destination "wedding" (that may not even be a proper wedding in the legal sense), then inviting them a gift shower where the only suggested options are expensive kitchenware or cash, does come across as quite materialistic and tacky. I personally wouldn't feel livid, but I would be quite annoyed!

And if I read correctly, this couple is also having various bachelor(ette) events on top of that!!

That said, I'd go along to the shower, but just take a gift that's within your budget. You aren't obliged by etiquette to give them the expensive kitchenware or cash.

Oh, and I also think you only need to give them ONE wedding gift (even if they end up having two ceremonies/receptions).

I don't quite understand this. The couple is having all of the normal events associated with a wedding. Bachelor/bachelorette parties, showers, and a ceremony/reception. The fact that they are doing a destination wedding doesn't mean that it somehow becomes inappropriate for them to have the other parts. And of course the OP is invited to all of them. She's the groom's sister's wife, so far as I understood it. It would be extremely odd and rude for her not to be invited.

I have absolutely no opinion about the "real" ceremony versus the civil ceremony. When there are international laws and religious beliefs in the mix, people are just going to do whatever in order to have the ceremony they want and to be legally married where they reside. When they celebrate their anniversary, I'm guessing they'll celebrate it on the day of the ceremony that meant a lot to them, when they said their vows in front of their nearest and dearest, not the day they had to deal with the state bureaucracy to get a marriage license. To get into a tizzy about real and fake ceremonies is missing the point I think.

Is this couple "expecting" too much?? I have no idea, I'm not sure how their expectations have been communicated, or how other family members may be exerting pressure. However, the OP and her DH are adults who are in complete control of their finances and schedule. If it is too much of a burden for them to attend an expensive destination wedding, they could have said no! And they can still politely decline to attend the other events. Yes, I think it is rude to ask for cash for the shower. But it is a shower, and not rude to have a registry. That is the whole point of showers.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: mime on October 04, 2017, 10:40:48 AM
Having a destination wedding is fine. Having a shower is fine. Having a bachelorette party is fine. Having a Jack and Jill party is fine (I had to look that one up to see what it was). Having a reception for people who can't make it to the destination wedding is fine. Signing legal paperwork before or after a more meaningful ceremony is fine (in my opinion).

Somewhere it all adds up, though, and the total sum is not fine. Especially when family members feel they can't say "no" to any of these things without causing a family rift.

OP is operating under that threat. As someone earlier pointed out, maybe she isn't as "ok" with this family's attitude as she thinks and the frustration has finally manifested itself in anger at the wedding situation.

They agreed to go to the destination and understood what they were getting into for the wedding itself. They may have been operating under the assumption that when the HC expects people to spend $XXXXX to attend, that they wouldn't put additional financial expectations on them, as a sort of courtesy. That doesn't sound unreasonable.

The decision to go may not have been very easy, either. They may have been right on the edge of everything they were willing to give. Then, they learned about all the other things that were getting added on, with the expectation that they will fully participate. I'm guessing we just saw the straw that broke the camel's back.

I really don't get the impression that OP is livid about a shower and a destination wedding. I think it is the heaping of everything together, including the fact that she and her DH (and maybe her stepsister) are expected to fall in line and always be the givers in this family at any cost.

Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: TurtleDove on October 04, 2017, 11:21:32 AM
“I really don't get the impression that OP is livid about a shower and a destination wedding. I think it is the heaping of everything together, including the fact that she and her DH (and maybe her stepsister) are expected to fall in line and always be the givers in this family at any cost.”

It sounds to me as though this pressure is not necessarily from the HC, though. I think the OP should be honest with her DH and set boundaries for what *she* wants to do. She cannot be guilted into doing anything (nor can the stepsister) without her consent. There may be consequences to setting boundaries, but I find it really strange concerning the step sister in particular. It seems there is a significant level of dysfunction given the OP’s perception that she and her husband are treated differently than the “Golden” family members. It also appears that the OP is not on the same page as her husband. I would start there, and make decisions based on whether and how the OP v. DH dispute is resolved. I think the OP is certainly entitled to be upset, but directing the anger toward the HC is not likely to result in any favorable outcome for the OP with her DH or with her in laws.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Kaypeep on October 04, 2017, 12:11:52 PM
I guess I am missing something. 

This is the OP's husband's brother, as close a relative as you can get.  He is the best man, so presumably they're reasonably close.

The OP says she and her husband can afford the trip for the wedding and are looking forward to it.

She didn't have to go to a bachelorette party as she was out of town.

And now she's invited to a shower.  It doesn't appear to require travel.  What's the big deal about that?  Of course they invited her to the shower.

She says the insert is what put her over the edge, and I certainly agree it's repellent. But it's nothing to be "livid" about and to boycott the shower over.  Just ignore it and buy a gift that your budget permits.  Don't skimp just to make a point, though.  You don't have to spend a lot, but choose with a generous spirit, as you would for a friend, not something intended to look small to prove how inferior their values are.

The "golden boy" theme keeps coming up, too.  I get the feeling that the OP has strong negative feelings about her husband's family -- and I'm not saying they aren't 100% justified!  But I just don't see anything so terrible about the wedding (unless you are just utterly opposed to destination weddings) or shower themselves.

Think very carefully before using your BIL's wedding to try to make a statement or criticism.  Weddings loom large in emotions and memories, and you are going to be family for a very long time. Your husband, not they, will pay for any needless negativity thrown on this wedding.  You will never regret being your best, kindest self.

There's also a Jack and Jill invite, and a second reception in hometown. 
I don't think OP is trying to make a statement or anything, she is just looking for a sounding board to confirm her thoughts:  That this is a lot of overkill and gift-grabbing/greed.  Or maybe not, but their family equates gift giving to love, and the BIL is the GC in the family so it's piled on extra high.

I think OP is fine to decline.  It's clear she and her husband are not playing Keep up with the Joneses, even though they are Joneses. 
I don't think doing so is unkind, either.  Maybe she could reconsider going to the shower and bringing a gift she's comfortable giving, off-registry.  That would be the good thing to do.  However, if she and her DH are going to the Jack and Jill and bringing a gift to that as well, I say she gets a pass on this shower.  I think it IS overkill.  I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where the bride's family was having multiple showers and even a "intimate shower" where we were expected to bring her underwear.  I declined.  I told bride i couldnt' attend all these events. Some were a distance, and money was tight.  I didn't know anyone there besides bride and her sister and mom.  She was fine with it.  I think if OP is not very close with the family and is fine with that level of relationship, skipping this shower is totally cool.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: NFPwife on October 04, 2017, 12:37:33 PM
Having a destination wedding is fine. Having a shower is fine. Having a bachelorette party is fine. Having a Jack and Jill party is fine (I had to look that one up to see what it was). Having a reception for people who can't make it to the destination wedding is fine. Signing legal paperwork before or after a more meaningful ceremony is fine (in my opinion).

Somewhere it all adds up, though, and the total sum is not fine. Especially when family members feel they can't say "no" to any of these things without causing a family rift.

OP is operating under that threat. As someone earlier pointed out, maybe she isn't as "ok" with this family's attitude as she thinks and the frustration has finally manifested itself in anger at the wedding situation.

They agreed to go to the destination and understood what they were getting into for the wedding itself. They may have been operating under the assumption that when the HC expects people to spend $XXXXX to attend, that they wouldn't put additional financial expectations on them, as a sort of courtesy. That doesn't sound unreasonable.

The decision to go may not have been very easy, either. They may have been right on the edge of everything they were willing to give. Then, they learned about all the other things that were getting added on, with the expectation that they will fully participate. I'm guessing we just saw the straw that broke the camel's back.

I really don't get the impression that OP is livid about a shower and a destination wedding. I think it is the heaping of everything together, including the fact that she and her DH (and maybe her stepsister) are expected to fall in line and always be the givers in this family at any cost.

I think the bolded would sum it up for me if I were the OP. There's a tipping point and the OP has hit it. Letting off steam here and then deciding where her boundaries are for each individual event and the wedding as a whole makes sense. That's where I'd start, "What's our total budget for this wedding in money? Time? Hassle factor?" Then, I'd evaluate each event in light of those guidelines. Some events might be low cost and a moderate time commitment but the hassle factor is high. Other things are expensive but might have a lower hassle factor --in my mind, the destination wedding falls here if the OP and her husband limit the time devoted to the wedding and make it a vacation. Then anything that's too costly in terms of cash, time, or hassle gets an RSVP of "Sorry, can't make it."
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: gramma dishes on October 04, 2017, 12:42:17 PM
I think part of the problem is that her husband's entire family is really whooping it up for this wedding with all sorts of additional showers and events beyond the wedding itself.  I do not get the feeling that the same level of either financial or emotional enthusiasm was shown for the OP and her husband's own wedding.  Let's be truthful here.   We all might hate to admit we'd feel this way, but I think many of us would be kind of hurt.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: ladyknight1 on October 04, 2017, 12:57:07 PM
snip

There's also a Jack and Jill invite, and a second reception in hometown. 
I don't think OP is trying to make a statement or anything, she is just looking for a sounding board to confirm her thoughts:  That this is a lot of overkill and gift-grabbing/greed.  Or maybe not, but their family equates gift giving to love, and the BIL is the GC in the family so it's piled on extra high.

I think OP is fine to decline.  It's clear she and her husband are not playing Keep up with the Joneses, even though they are Joneses. 
I don't think doing so is unkind, either.  Maybe she could reconsider going to the shower and bringing a gift she's comfortable giving, off-registry.  That would be the good thing to do.  However, if she and her DH are going to the Jack and Jill and bringing a gift to that as well, I say she gets a pass on this shower.  I think it IS overkill.
  I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where the bride's family was having multiple showers and even a "intimate shower" where we were expected to bring her underwear.  I declined.  I told bride i couldnt' attend all these events. Some were a distance, and money was tight.  I didn't know anyone there besides bride and her sister and mom.  She was fine with it.  I think if OP is not very close with the family and is fine with that level of relationship, skipping this shower is totally cool.
[/quote]

I wholeheartedly agree with the bold text. There is a tipping point, there is a level where it becomes too much.

Maybe OP and her DH attend his brother's destination wedding, the local wedding, the reception, and the shower. Where is the line drawn for all of the additional events? It has to be drawn somewhere, and I am fairly confident that OP is not the only one looking at this askance.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: gellchom on October 04, 2017, 01:01:27 PM
I think part of the problem is that her husband's entire family is really whooping it up for this wedding with all sorts of additional showers and events beyond the wedding itself.  I do not get the feeling that the same level of either financial or emotional enthusiasm was shown for the OP and her husband's own wedding.  Let's be truthful here.   We all might hate to admit we'd feel this way, but I think many of us would be kind of hurt.

I doubt anyone disagrees with that.  Many of us said we find all this eye-rolling at the very least, and worse, especially given all the context. And the title of the original post is directed to feelings, not actions.

But she still needs to make some decisions.  I agree that one shower gift (Jack and Jill is like a shower, right?) is plenty. 

Overall, I think that TurtleDove's last post gives the wisest advice so far:
Quote
It also appears that the OP is not on the same page as her husband. I would start there, and make decisions based on whether and how the OP v. DH dispute is resolved. I think the OP is certainly entitled to be upset, but directing the anger toward the HC is not likely to result in any favorable outcome for the OP with her DH or with her in laws.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: Redneck Gravy on October 04, 2017, 01:46:25 PM
I think part of the problem is that her husband's entire family is really whooping it up for this wedding with all sorts of additional showers and events beyond the wedding itself.  I do not get the feeling that the same level of either financial or emotional enthusiasm was shown for the OP and her husband's own wedding.  Let's be truthful here.   We all might hate to admit we'd feel this way, but I think many of us would be kind of hurt.

Agreed.  And once again when you are not the golden or silver child you resent being treated like you were less. 

Add the additional events the OP is expected to attend (and apparently give until it hurts), the smallest thing might set me off at the point as well.

Livid is just a descriptive word, I don't see it as more than angry used here, not the "most angriest ever" if you KWIM.   

Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: TurtleDove on October 04, 2017, 02:28:42 PM
And once again when you are not the golden or silver child you resent being treated like you were less. 

As an aside, I have known quite a few families in which each child at one point or another thought the other(s) were favored. I am not doubting the OP's perspective here, just pointing out that while the OP may validly feel she has been treated differently, other family members may have a different perspective on the same facts. I get the sense that the DH is interested in moving forward with his family, while the OP is still really hurt and not at a place where she wants to forgive perceived wrongs from the past. That is why I think the OP should first really discuss how she is feeling with her DH. I think it would be really counterproductive to take out her feelings on the HC and drive a wedge between her husband and his family, which would then likely drive a wedge between the OP and her DH.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: bah12 on October 04, 2017, 06:58:31 PM
I still don't see where the HC is doing anything wrong.  Having a destination wedding does not mean that the other wedding-related activities (showers, bachelor and bachelorette parties, etc) are suddenly inappropriate.  Inviting someone, especially a close family member as the OP, to all the activities is also very appropriate.  Also, most destination weddings that I am aware of, especially when held in another country, require some sort of civil ceremony back "home" in order for the marriage to be legally recognized, so that isn't even something odd, different, or selfish about this situation.  Second receptions at home for those that couldn't attend (and for close members of the family that did attend) the destination wedding are also common.

It doesn't even sound like the HC is the one that is putting all this pressure on family members to attend and spend lots of money.  Aside from registering at an expensive store, they have done nothing else.  The egregious shower invites were produced by the hosts...the IL's and mother of the bride.  The pressure on family members seems to come from FIL.

I get that the OP is frustrated and angry.  I don't even blame her.  It just sounds to me like this isn't about the lavish and selfish ways of the HC, but about how the IL's are treating this wedding. And considering that she is married to the "grey" sheep of the family, this perceived (or even real/actual) inequity may be causing these harsh feelings.  She says it's ok that they have been treated unfairly/differently and that it doesn't bother her or her DH...but, I question if that is true.  It was important enough to mention.  Maybe it hasn't been bothersome until now, or maybe something else is triggering this intense anger at the HC.  I just don't think that the blame, from what we have been told, is the fault of the HC.  IL's probably, someone/thing else possibly, but HC, unlikely.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: ladyknight1 on October 04, 2017, 07:41:47 PM
Does it really matter if the treatment is harsh enough to cause these feelings? I'm not sure why people don't believe the OP.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: NFPwife on October 04, 2017, 07:49:35 PM
Does it really matter if the treatment is harsh enough to cause these feelings? I'm not sure why people don't believe the OP.

I think answering the question "Who are you really mad at?" is useful, especially when you're going to be involved with all the players long term. It helps in setting your boundaries,  IMO.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: bah12 on October 04, 2017, 11:32:23 PM
Does it really matter if the treatment is harsh enough to cause these feelings? I'm not sure why people don't believe the OP.

Of course it does.  Understanding where the feelings are stemming from is extremely helpful in resolving them.  The OP asked to be talked down,  so getting to the source of her anger and making sure it's not misplaced is how she'll get there.  No one said she was lying about being angry... the question is,  is she really angry at the HC or is she angry about something else and taking it out on the HC?
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: cross_patch on October 05, 2017, 05:39:55 AM
Does it really matter if the treatment is harsh enough to cause these feelings? I'm not sure why people don't believe the OP.

Don’t believe her about what? I think everyone believes her, they just don’t necessarily agree with her.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: lowspark on October 05, 2017, 09:59:39 AM
It doesn't matter if their wedding/reception is a legally binding one or if they go to the courthouse before hand and sign paperwork there.  It's a celebration and you either are ok being there to celebrate or you aren't.

These are very wise words.

I see that discussion here all the time about whether the ceremony of the "big" wedding to which everyone is invited is the legal one or not. I don't see why it makes any difference at all. A couple I know wanted a friend from out of state to perform their wedding, at least the religious part, but that officiant was not licensed in our state. So they went down to the courthouse the day before the wedding and got married legally. Then they had the big wedding with all the guests, reception, dancing, etc. the next night. I cannot fathom why that is somehow a lie.

Bah12 nailed it. People were being invited to the celebration. The fact that they had to do some legal paperwork in advance, to me, is similar to going to get the license. It's legal paperwork that has to be done in advance. But the friends and family are being invited to the Celebration (with a capital C).

I also agree with this:
I get that the OP is frustrated and angry.  I don't even blame her.  It just sounds to me like this isn't about the lavish and selfish ways of the HC, but about how the IL's are treating this wedding. And considering that she is married to the "grey" sheep of the family, this perceived (or even real/actual) inequity may be causing these harsh feelings.  She says it's ok that they have been treated unfairly/differently and that it doesn't bother her or her DH...but, I question if that is true.  It was important enough to mention.  Maybe it hasn't been bothersome until now, or maybe something else is triggering this intense anger at the HC.  I just don't think that the blame, from what we have been told, is the fault of the HC.  IL's probably, someone/thing else possibly, but HC, unlikely.

There can be and probably is a lot of pent up anger and/or frustration on how the OP and her DH have been treated by the family as compared with how the HC have been treated. And now it's all bubbling up because of the wedding.

I agree with the PPs who say that the resolution to the OP's feelings lies in discussing this with her DH. OP should sit down with DH and see how he feels and what he wants. Then the OP should do those things for him. Yes, the HC will benefit by whatever the OP may do for their wedding, but maybe if she looks at it from the perspective of, "I love my husband and am doing these things to make him happy" she might find it a bit easier to just go ahead and go with the flow on some of the things that are bothering her.
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: LifeOnPluto on October 06, 2017, 11:57:25 PM
I get that people are saying that the HC have done nothing wrong by having a heap of pre-wedding events, but I think the fact that they are also having a destination wedding makes a difference. The HC is already asking their loved ones to fork out hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars on airfares, accommodation, etc, as part of the destination wedding, AND they are now compounding that by asking their family and friends to attend a bunch of other gift-giving events (or at least events where the guests are presumably expected to pay for themselves, such as the bachelor(ette) parties).

And yes, I know that technically the guests can politely decline, but it's that much harder when you're a close relative of the HC, and your presence is probably expected at all these events.

Also - this could be colouring my view - but in my circle of friends, most HCs have no more than two pre-wedding events (and more commonly, just the one, like a Bridal Shower, or Engagement Party). Any more than two pre-wedding events would definitely raise eyebrows. Perhaps that is also the norm for the OP, which is why this is jarring for her? 
Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: MeowMixer on October 07, 2017, 08:16:12 AM
And this is why I remember how much I love this board. Thank you all for the many views on this. Through seeing red I couldn't break down myself of what feelings were overlapping where. There is an airport conveyor belt of baggage that defines this family.

Just want to start off saying - SSIL and her little one will not go hungry; hubby, myself and her mom would never let that happen. Don't think ill of her please, FIL can turn a mean guilt game. He doesn't try it on us anymore because hubs shuts him down so fast. 

I'm not mad at the HC, they have been encouraged every step of the way by MIL and FIL and are just sitting back and loving the attention. Which anyone would, I'm not disparaging that. And I'm not going light a match in the tire yard over this because really, they are nice people.

Couldn't find a decent garlic press, settled on some kitchen towels, throw some cash in a card and drop it off well before the party with my regrets that I will not be able to attend. I even did the mature thing and *NOT* pick up those gawd awful glitter bits evil people put in cards... I'll admit I thought briefly of it, giggled maniacally but ultimately moved on. I'm only human after all!

And yes, Gramma Dishes I admit it does hurt. Their only (unprompted?) communication to us regarding our own wedding was to send back the RSVP that they were attending. Again, water off a duck's back, and besides I figured maybe they're traditionalists and the groom's family just stays out of it. Since this engagement I have been shown just oh so how wrong I was about that assumption! LMAO oh silly Meow, silly silly girl...  ;D


Title: Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
Post by: gramma dishes on October 07, 2017, 08:32:43 AM
{{{{{MeowMixer}}}}}   :(