Etiquette Hell

Wedding Bliss and Blues => Wedding Peeps => Guests => Topic started by: oogyda on October 10, 2017, 05:03:11 PM

Title: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: oogyda on October 10, 2017, 05:03:11 PM
Just curious about opinions.  I recently attended a family wedding where 3 cousins (on the groom's side) who had RSVP'd that they would attend ends up being no-show.

Cousin A's husband was showing signs of transplant rejection in the week leading up to the wedding.  He was released from the hospital the day before her travel was to begin, but she decided she could not leave.

Cousin C was ordered to be in Federal Court (he's an attorney) the morning of the wedding by the judge.  Leaving insufficient time for travel.

Cousin R was dependent on Cousin C for travel and could not afford to pay last minute air fare.

Are these acceptable reasons or not?
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: QueenfaninCA on October 10, 2017, 05:09:49 PM
A and C definitely as it sounds like it required travel. I'm slightly on the fence with R. As it sounds like what happened to C was not something out of the blue he should perhaps have had a back-up plan in case travel with C fell through.

But overall I would say those are legitimate reasons to miss a non-local wedding.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: kckgirl on October 10, 2017, 05:14:24 PM
I believe all three are legitimate excuses for not attending, but I hope they called ahead to explain.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: Harriet Jones on October 10, 2017, 05:40:28 PM
These are all decent enough reasons.  I'm sure the host would appreciate a head's up as soon as they figured out that they couldn't come.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: Bales on October 10, 2017, 06:12:14 PM
Doesn't sound like any of those were predictable and certainly unavoidable - maybe less for R, but again, C's unavailability wasn't predictable, so having R's transportation suddenly unavailable was not R's fault. I'm assuming it would be an ok car ride for two people to share, but too long for one, which is why R would've needed a last minute plane ticket when C became unavailable.

Curious about the no-show portion, though.  I would expect each to have conveyed their absence at the time they became aware they would be unable to attend, which would have been before the wedding in every case.  If that did not happen, then that was the faux pas.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: oogyda on October 10, 2017, 06:44:58 PM
The wedding was on a Friday. The bride and groom were hosting, but each cousin called the MOG, as that's the closest relative's phone number they had.

Cousin A knew on Tuesday and called then. 
Cousin C knew on Tuesday as well (although in the evening), and cancelled for both himself and R.
There was some discussion with R perhaps riding with A's father (his uncle), but that would have severely shortened the uncle's stay.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: Mary Lennox on October 10, 2017, 06:50:18 PM
So they didn't actually no show the wedding. They just changed their RSVP at the last minute. I have no problem with any of the situations as they have been outline. Is there one that you don't find acceptable?
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: FauxFoodist on October 10, 2017, 08:22:58 PM
So they didn't actually no show the wedding. They just changed their RSVP at the last minute. I have no problem with any of the situations as they have been outline. Is there one that you don't find acceptable?

This is where I stand.  These were last-minute cancellations and for valid reasons; these weren't no-shows.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: gellchom on October 10, 2017, 08:43:50 PM
So they didn't actually no show the wedding. They just changed their RSVP at the last minute. I have no problem with any of the situations as they have been outline. Is there one that you don't find acceptable?

This is where I stand.  These were last-minute cancellations and for valid reasons; these weren't no-shows.

That makes three of us.  There is a big difference between a real no-call, no-show -- for which in my opinion there are very few excuses that don't involve ambulances -- and a cancellation for illness or other unavoidable reasons such as these, at least one of which happens with almost every big event. 
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: Sharnita on October 10, 2017, 08:57:46 PM
All are legitimate reasons
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: pattycake on October 10, 2017, 09:43:39 PM
They called and cancelled as soon as they knew, so they weren't no shows. It's terribly unfortunate that it was so close to the wedding and the bride/groom would not be able to cancel their dinners or perhaps invite others, but unavoidable stuff happens, that's life.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: TurtleDove on October 11, 2017, 01:40:58 AM
Yep - not no shows. Also, if a HC is going to have a wedding on a Friday that requires travel (or even at all), they need to understand that this is extremely inconvenient for their guests (or at least many of them). Many people have to take at least a half day off work for Friday weddings and I think that is asking too much, personally.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: bloo on October 11, 2017, 05:44:15 AM
All are legitimate reasons

I agree.

Also, as PP's have pointed out, these are not 'no-shows'. They called as soon as they knew they weren't coming. They did not change their RSVP at the last minute, however, because I'm willing to bet the RSVP date was well before 3 days prior to the wedding. So you have three cancellations that are completely understandable and if I was the host, I'd have been grateful to receive notice beforehand and been only concerned about the cousins, especially A.

These are definitely not flakes and the host then had the extra meals for the possible uninvited guests that show up! :(
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: Venus193 on October 11, 2017, 05:46:41 AM
I agree.  They all changed their RSVPs three days earlier.  All were legitimate reasons for it.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: TeamBhakta on October 11, 2017, 08:50:36 AM
Why wouldn't those be acceptable reasons ? The bride & groom would have to be rather cold hearted to think "Why don't you want to party a few days after your husband almost died ?"  :o
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: mime on October 11, 2017, 09:54:53 AM
Yep - not no shows. Also, if a HC is going to have a wedding on a Friday that requires travel (or even at all), they need to understand that this is extremely inconvenient for their guests (or at least many of them). Many people have to take at least a half day off work for Friday weddings and I think that is asking too much, personally.

Why wouldn't those be acceptable reasons ? The bride & groom would have to be rather cold hearted to think "Why don't you want to party a few days after your husband almost died ?"  :o

I agree with both of these. These guests had planned to attend, and that was going to take much more effort than just driving 25 minutes to a nearby venue after work. Circumstances out of their control made it not possible-- A had a family health crisis, B had an unexpected job requirement, and C was was dependent on B.

It would be over-the-top for someone to say that a cousin's wedding should be prioritized over A's family health or B's job. C made reasonable plans that fell through. Making other plans at this time could be logistically impossible or cost-prohibitive.

They are all unfortunate, but totally acceptable. It is OK to be upset with the situation but still understand that A, B, and C didn't do anything wrong.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: oogyda on October 11, 2017, 10:10:50 AM
Cousin A and her father, Uncle A were to start the 13.5 hour drive on Wednesday, arriving before the rehearsal dinner on Thursday.  Both had planned extra time off to stay for several days after the wedding.

Cousin C and Cousin R were planning the same for their 10.5 hour drive and were planning on returning Sunday.

The bride was apparently voicing her displeasure to the MOG, since it was her cousins that didn't show and how rude and costly that was.  MOG said she and her DH would cover the costs, even though they had contributed substantially to the wedding.  They own a bakery and provided all the many, many desserts and the wedding cake.  There may have been other contributions, but I don't know. 
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: Outdoor Girl on October 11, 2017, 10:16:20 AM
The bride needs to get over herself.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: lowspark on October 11, 2017, 10:54:05 AM
The bride needs to get over herself.

Ditto.
If the bride cannot forgive these kinds of things, she's going to have a tough time dealing with disappointment in her life. I wonder what the groom thinks.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: gramma dishes on October 11, 2017, 10:57:44 AM
The bride needs to get over herself.

Ditto.
If the bride cannot forgive these kinds of things, she's going to have a tough time dealing with disappointment in her life. I wonder what the groom thinks.

I can guess what the mother of the groom thinks!
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: goldilocks on October 11, 2017, 12:06:09 PM
This happened this past weekend, and I'm curious about it.

Co-worker was getting married at 5:30.   I was on the way, and planned to meet up with other co-workers at the wedding.   About 4:50, I was nearly to venue, and called one of my cw's to see if they were there yet (I hate walking in places like this alone).

Well, good thing I called, because he thought the wedding was at 7.  Now, he lives far enough away that even if he had left that very minute, he wouldn't have arrived on time for the ceremony.

Should he have come anyway and just joined the reception, or missed all? 

I wouldn't say this was unavoidable, just wondering how to recover if you make a mistake?
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: lmyrs on October 11, 2017, 12:08:05 PM
This happened this past weekend, and I'm curious about it.

Co-worker was getting married at 5:30.   I was on the way, and planned to meet up with other co-workers at the wedding.   About 4:50, I was nearly to venue, and called one of my cw's to see if they were there yet (I hate walking in places like this alone).

Well, good thing I called, because he thought the wedding was at 7.  Now, he lives far enough away that even if he had left that very minute, he wouldn't have arrived on time for the ceremony.

Should he have come anyway and just joined the reception, or missed all? 

I wouldn't say this was unavoidable, just wondering how to recover if you make a mistake?

He needs to get his butt into his transportation and get there asap. He made a silly mistake but it was a mistake. Compounding that mistake by saying, "Screw it. I'm late now, I may as well not show at all," makes it exponentially ruder.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: Venus193 on October 11, 2017, 12:18:50 PM
Wow.  There have been many examples where the ceremony guests are fewer due to the size of a church or courthouse room; it is considered rude by most to invite people to the ceremony but not the reception.

As to the guy who blew off the reception as well, he needs to become a better time manager.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: Outdoor Girl on October 11, 2017, 12:24:17 PM
He should have jumped in the car and hightailed it over there.  He would have been in time for the reception.  If he didn't come?  The money spent on his meal was wasted.  The cost of a wedding is primarily in the reception, not the ceremony.  If I'd been the bride, I probably wouldn't even have noticed he didn't make the ceremony, if it was any size of wedding at all, but I'd certainly notice an empty place at the reception.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: oogyda on October 11, 2017, 12:54:14 PM
The bride needs to get over herself.

Ditto.
If the bride cannot forgive these kinds of things, she's going to have a tough time dealing with disappointment in her life. I wonder what the groom thinks.

And you would be right.

I can guess what the mother of the groom thinks!
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: oogyda on October 11, 2017, 12:55:07 PM
He should have jumped in the car and hightailed it over there.  He would have been in time for the reception.  If he didn't come?  The money spent on his meal was wasted.  The cost of a wedding is primarily in the reception, not the ceremony.  If I'd been the bride, I probably wouldn't even have noticed he didn't make the ceremony, if it was any size of wedding at all, but I'd certainly notice an empty place at the reception.

Agreed.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: #borecore on October 11, 2017, 01:05:44 PM
For my wedding caterer, we would have been in the clear to change our numbers that far out, even (although with a more formal or expensive caterer that might not be the case, even if it seems all the more important).

While it's not perfect, it's not bad to have things come up or to let people know as soon as you know.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: gramma dishes on October 11, 2017, 01:20:30 PM
This happened this past weekend, and I'm curious about it.

Co-worker was getting married at 5:30.   I was on the way, and planned to meet up with other co-workers at the wedding.   About 4:50, I was nearly to venue, and called one of my cw's to see if they were there yet (I hate walking in places like this alone).

Well, good thing I called, because he thought the wedding was at 7.  Now, he lives far enough away that even if he had left that very minute, he wouldn't have arrived on time for the ceremony.

Should he have come anyway and just joined the reception, or missed all? 

I wouldn't say this was unavoidable, just wondering how to recover if you make a mistake?

Yes, he should have come to the reception.  Frankly, the bride and groom might not have noticed who was at the wedding, but they are much more likely to notice if someone who RSVP'd yes doesn't show at the reception.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: gellchom on October 11, 2017, 01:28:17 PM
I bet it happens all the time!  You get there ASAP and either hope nobody noticed or apologize.  There are usually a few people who have no choice but to come late, too.

As a matter of fact, this happened to us just this weekend, although not so extreme.  We mixed up the start time of the wedding by half an hour and instead of being a bit early got there when the processional had just started.  We jumped out of the car and scooted over -- it was an outdoor ceremony, with the guests standing, so it was easy to just walk over and join the group.  We weren't invisible, but it wasn't disruptive.  We just apologized at the earliest appropriate moment and everyone was cool with it.  And my husband couldn't come until about an hour into the reception, which they knew in advance.  So no problems.

Certainly not as compared to the couple who had replied yes and didn't show up at all.  :) (For those of you who recall a post of mine from a few years ago, yep, you guessed it, it was Mimi and her husband, and this wedding was the wedding of Lulu's son.  No one was surprised.  Lulu's daughter commented that this was a good sign for the marriage, as the only wedding (of four of Lulu's and my kids') that they didn't bail on was the one that has ended in a divorce!)
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: TootsNYC on October 11, 2017, 04:01:42 PM
Why wouldn't those be acceptable reasons ? The bride & groom would have to be rather cold hearted to think "Why don't you want to party a few days after your husband almost died ?"  :o

Actually, "why wouldn't you want to travel out of town a few days after your husband almost died?"
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: Winterlight on October 11, 2017, 04:07:53 PM
In the first case, the bride needs to get a grip. Medical crises and being ordered to appear in court aren't things you can schedule. Maybe if you were the bride or groom, the judge would be willing to extend a continuance or something, but not if you're a guest. And I'm pretty sure that nobody felt like rushing to the hospital due to possible liver rejection for funsies.

In the second case, I think Other Coworker should have leaped into the car and gotten there ASAP. That was definitely a no-show if he didn't.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: kareng57 on October 11, 2017, 05:57:33 PM
For my wedding caterer, we would have been in the clear to change our numbers that far out, even (although with a more formal or expensive caterer that might not be the case, even if it seems all the more important).

While it's not perfect, it's not bad to have things come up or to let people know as soon as you know.


Around here, most caterers (especially if it's a buffet) are prepared to serve something like 5% over the "guaranteed" number that you have to supply to the venue about two weeks ahead of time.  So if you have, say, 100 "yes"s, you could give 98 as the guarantee, knowing that they'll still be able to serve up to about 102.  Naturally you'd want to check with the caterer before doing this, but it can save paying for uneaten food.

Legitimate emergencies/illnesses are pretty much a fact of life, and responsible hosts will do their best to plan around them without throwing a hissyfit.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: LifeOnPluto on October 12, 2017, 04:48:23 AM
Cousin A and her father, Uncle A were to start the 13.5 hour drive on Wednesday, arriving before the rehearsal dinner on Thursday.  Both had planned extra time off to stay for several days after the wedding.

Cousin C and Cousin R were planning the same for their 10.5 hour drive and were planning on returning Sunday.

The bride was apparently voicing her displeasure to the MOG, since it was her cousins that didn't show and how rude and costly that was.  MOG said she and her DH would cover the costs, even though they had contributed substantially to the wedding.  They own a bakery and provided all the many, many desserts and the wedding cake.  There may have been other contributions, but I don't know.

I think the first two guests had perfectly valid reasons for not attending! They had a spouse's medical crisis and a work emergency, respectively.

The third cousin may have been slightly ruder, especially if there were other transport options available within his/her budget (coach? riding with another relative? hiring a car? etc)  but I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

So I definitely think the bride is being unreasonable. I hope the MOG doesn't cover the costs for those guests - she is in no way to blame for their not being able to attend.

I also wonder whether the groom knows about the bride's feelings? If so, I hope he tries to talk some sense into her.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: miranova on October 12, 2017, 09:50:22 AM
I'll never really understand people acting like they are out extra money when someone doesn't show up.  It's a sunk cost, you have already paid for it.  I understand not liking waste (but that could be mitigated if you are able to keep the leftovers) and obviously it's rude to RSVP if you aren't going to make a reasonable effort to attend.  But I'm struggling to think of a single large event in my life where there wasn't at least someone who got sick or had another last minute emergency that prevented them from coming.  It happens.  It's so common that it should be simply expected.  You may not know who will fall ill but in any large group, someone is bound to be sick that day.  Just roll with it and move on with your life.  Disappointment at not seeing them?  Sure.  Complaining that you paid for their meal?  TACKY.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: gellchom on October 12, 2017, 11:10:52 AM
I'll never really understand people acting like they are out extra money when someone doesn't show up.  It's a sunk cost, you have already paid for it.  I understand not liking waste (but that could be mitigated if you are able to keep the leftovers) and obviously it's rude to RSVP if you aren't going to make a reasonable effort to attend.  But I'm struggling to think of a single large event in my life where there wasn't at least someone who got sick or had another last minute emergency that prevented them from coming.  It happens.  It's so common that it should be simply expected.  You may not know who will fall ill but in any large group, someone is bound to be sick that day.  Just roll with it and move on with your life.  Disappointment at not seeing them?  Sure.  Complaining that you paid for their meal?  TACKY.

You're right, it's a sunk cost; it doesn't cost any more or less if someone eats it or not.  (And in my experience, too, for just this reason people give the caterers a slightly low count).

However, although it isn't "extra," it's still wasted -- like if they gave a couple a $200 restaurant gift certificate that got lost; you can't help but feel different about spending money on something than about spending it on what unfortunately becomes nothing.  Of course a host doesn't have cause to be angry about that, either, if someone can't come for a good reason. 

But the guest, in my opinion, should apologize -- not because they did anything wrong (they didn't), but because although it was unavoidable and blameless, it's still a last-minute complication for the hosts (rearranging seating, etc.) and a waste of their money -- sort of the corollary to saying thank you if they did eat it, KWIM?

But much more important than any apology is an expression of regret that you missed it.  That shows that you appreciate that this was a really important event, and you really wanted to be there and only weren't because it was unavoidable.

Depending on the relationship and circumstances, it's really nice to add touches like sending a note or even flowers to the hosts -- with a note of congratulations and regret you couldn't be there (not apology).  Completely not obligatory, but also completely unforgettable!  It also helps to say you'd love to see a video or photos (you don't have to mean it  :))

I bet the bride didn't stay upset.  I can understand someone in that situation being really disappointed and anxious and going a bit over the top and realizing it later when they calm down.
Title: Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
Post by: Twik on October 13, 2017, 09:16:44 AM
I'll never really understand people acting like they are out extra money when someone doesn't show up.  It's a sunk cost, you have already paid for it.  I understand not liking waste (but that could be mitigated if you are able to keep the leftovers) and obviously it's rude to RSVP if you aren't going to make a reasonable effort to attend.  But I'm struggling to think of a single large event in my life where there wasn't at least someone who got sick or had another last minute emergency that prevented them from coming.  It happens.  It's so common that it should be simply expected.  You may not know who will fall ill but in any large group, someone is bound to be sick that day.  Just roll with it and move on with your life.  Disappointment at not seeing them?  Sure.  Complaining that you paid for their meal?  TACKY.

This! Absolutely true.