Etiquette Hell

Hostesses With The Mostest => Entertaining and Hospitality => Topic started by: tendereyes on December 11, 2006, 01:05:30 PM

Title: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 11, 2006, 01:05:30 PM
Unfortunately "damage" was done, but wanted to get some input on how to politely talk to a friend of mine about not doing this again.

Hubby and I decided to have a holiday party for people we directly know and associate with; We sent out the evites and have a pretty well known set number.

My friend whose a very close friend had called me early about Christmas cards, we talked and we hung up, no problem.

She then called me an hour later and basically said, "A friend of mine (hers) heard about the party you were having from someone else you invited and wanted to come and I told her I need to ask you first (), and then goes on this spill how her friend will have her kids (she cheated on her husband with several individuals and they are divorcing which is why we are keeping our distance and do not associate or want to associate with her due to both the soon to be nasty divorce and the cheating which we don't condone), and that she was feeling lonely, etc.

Basically through the whole story, I found out she told her friend, she could come and then tells me to "nudge nudge" be a good sport, to which I felt like directly saying "nudge nudge" that was in poor taste and uncall for because this was OUR house and not her call to be inviting people and then calling me to ask if it was okay although already putting me in a bad spot.

I told her, I'll see about sending her an invitation (via evite) and did so but without the customary greeting and in the invitation made sure it was clearly stated that this will be a COUPLES/Family affair, which was very un-tactful on my part and I regret I let my emotions of feeling, blindsided rule my judgement. Needless to say..she rsvp that she is coming.

My husband is already ticked at my friend and I'm just very very  :( at being put in a tight spot and plan on trying to find a civil and tactful way of telling her, for the future, there is a reason why we invited certain people to OUR party and it's not her place to be inviting and that it was not appreciate.

Anyway..I could use some ideas how to address my friend in a tactful way that would supercede some of the other scenarios I wouldn't mind doing but know I can't do. ::)
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Xanthia, Maker of fine Tin-foil hats since 2007 on December 11, 2006, 01:55:30 PM
Just tell your friend "Do not do that again".  It is that simple, it may be a difficult thing for you to say, but please just do it.

I did this once and it did cost me a "friendship", but I feel I am better off without that person in my life.

Jellybean and I were having an open house and we invited "Sam".  Sam is a nice guy, but he was dating a married woman AND he knew we didnot approve.  This woman was married, had several children and no plans on leaving her husband because he was rich.  It was not an "open" relationship and Sam told us she wanted to get pregnant with Sam's baby.  The GF's husband had showed up SEVERAL times to places they were and caused a lot of trouble and the police had been involved more than once.  I told Sam that his GF was not invited PERIOD.

He felt that since Jellybean and I did not respect his relationship he could not be friends with us.  I wish him all the best, but I was not having that nonsense in my house.

There is nothing rude about being honest as long as you stick to the facts and do not embellish... just say "Friend, you put me in a really awkward situation and I do not appreciate it, do not do it again."
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 11, 2006, 02:12:46 PM
Thank you!

It just really put me in an awkward feeling particularly since it was very apparent that this was a couple/family event; Two, we were the planners not she, and Three, I don't even know this girl nor desire to.

Feeling  around for a good moment when I can talk with her privately  about this and we feel she is aware of the faux paus (hope I spelt that correctly) that she committed due to her being skittish around me.

This was just completely tactless of her to do...It's different had it been something she was doing and even then...just because she didn't want her friend to be alone and felt for her...she shouldn't assume we all feel that way for someone we don't even know or care to know.

Added as an afterthought:

Given her friend won't call us or email us (which is fine and I really don't care, and you know what...she really wanted to come...she should have been the one to approach us anyway and risk being refused); I for one, am not going to call her or email her, and just give her the cold shoulder.

I don't think she even knows how to get here since I never have talked to her, given my number, etc. and I don't plan on extending anymore than what I've let myself get into. She's made it obvious she's coming and hubby and I said fine...but we won't contact her and open the door anymore than what is already open.

This is our home and her friend (mine) more or less is responsible for her now.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: BurninDinner on December 11, 2006, 02:53:15 PM
I agree with Xanthia.  You should've told your friend in the first place it's too bad she was so tactless but you can't help her out.  However, now you've got this person coming and there's no way around it. 

So you still have to be civil to her WHILE she's in your house (you can't give her the cold shoulder in your home), but do explicitly tell your friend not to invite people BEFORE she checks with you that it's OK.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 11, 2006, 03:01:05 PM
*nod* we've also gotten rid of the mistletoe and made it understood that no other guests are going to be allowed save whom we have invited .

A bit of the cold shoulder and it's actually going to be harder since my husband plans on playing the bad guy and completely give the cold shoulder.

Added:

LOL..we're still doing couple only games so that's not going to change so what she chooses to do then..is really her choice...We invited NO single people so it's only married couples and she'll be the only single person.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Xanthia, Maker of fine Tin-foil hats since 2007 on December 11, 2006, 03:23:23 PM
*nod* we've also gotten rid of the mistletoe and made it understood that no other guests are going to be allowed save whom we have invited .

A bit of the cold shoulder and it's actually going to be harder since my husband plans on playing the bad guy and completely give the cold shoulder.

Added:

LOL..we're still doing couple only games so that's not going to change so what she chooses to do then..is really her choice...We invited NO single people so it's only married couples and she'll be the only single person.

Tread softly..you DID send her an invite, even if you did not want to, purposefully making her feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in your home would be IMHO worse than your friend fishing for the invite.  If your husband so strongly objects she should NOT have been invited, but she was "invited" now it is time for everyone to play nice.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 11, 2006, 03:29:38 PM
*nod* will try to reign my husband in if I can, but he's just not very happy with my friend or her friend particularly given what the friend has done with her own husband and he's just worried about her bringing it in the house; Which brings to question...we're not going to start inviting anyone single now just because of her (technically she's still married not single) and the games are already planned...what can we do?
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: graceh9 on December 11, 2006, 03:38:43 PM
I think this whole noah's ark thing is a bit weird -- if one of your friends is widowed does she fall off your social calendar and not get to play little reindeer games?

big mistake to have caved in and invited this woman -- your tactless friend should have been told no and charged with making clear that she spoke too soon  but you know that now -- don't let someone bully you into a mistake like this again

now YOU have invited her and it is very tacky to then treat her badly  YOU INVITED HER -- it would be the height of bad taste for your husband to snub her since YOU INVITED HER

you will need to organize games in such a way that being joined at the hip to one's spouse is not a requirement  -- 
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 11, 2006, 03:49:24 PM
It's a family affair...for couples with kids to get together without having to worry about getting a babysitter.

If she was widowed or a single mother and I knew her, that would not have stop me from inviting her and really would have been a different story, however, my friend invited her because she felt sorry that her friend was getting a divorce because her husband couldn't understand about his wife wanting to sleep around and leaving her kids; I don't know this person and secondly, this is a very ugly divorce due to her leaving her kids and her husbands, having affairs with several individuals and a not so happy husband filing for divorce and its really a case of...not very smart.

With all respect...I don't appreciate the noah's ark remark. It's okay for married couples to want to be friends with other married couples too.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: VorFemme on December 11, 2006, 04:07:31 PM
I have been lucky enough not to have people drag friends to parties at my house that were planned for couples.  Mostly because DH has been a teacher several times and places - so our entertainments at that time were planned for students (usually college aged or older) and dates were possible but not required.  Spouses were welcomed.

The only time I have been put on the spot was when an old roommate of DH's showed up with GF#whatever in tow early and "had" to be taken to a dinner party we'd already RXVPd to (work - I did have time to ask AND arrange to pay extra for the catering of two extra meals).  We left as early as possible as dumbRoommate turned out to be an idjit - which didn't matter when they were both newly graduated from high school but turned out to be embarressing as all get out some ten years later.......

The OP can let the "friend" know that this is the last and only time that her tuchis will be scraped out of the fire by being given even a reluctant "invitation" to a friend of a friend........the "next time" - if there ever is one - will be the last time that the "generous friend" gets an invitation of her own.  Who needs people who bring people, when the table only holds so many plates - one extra person sitting down means that the hostess ends up being the "waitress", instead.

Which, come to think of it, did happen to me some thirty years ago.  DH invited his brother and GF over for dinner.  When they showed up, they had brought "little sister" along.  DH couldn't quite bring himself to kick his sister into the living room while we ate.  So she sat at a desk chair and ate off of a non-matching plate (two sets of four plates) and used a plastic fork, knife, and spoon (as newly-weds, we had four, count them, FOUR place settings in stainless and four matching glasses AND only four chairs for a small table).

After that, there were no more "tag-alongs" to dinner parties.................we did find that it is possible for friends and family to make a different new mistake once in a while, though.  They never repeated one, but the new ones had me wishing that other people read etiquette books for fun, too.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: kckgirl on December 11, 2006, 04:48:07 PM
If she was widowed or a single mother and I knew her, that would not have stop me from inviting her and really would have been a different story, however, my friend invited her because she felt sorry that her friend was getting a divorce because her husband couldn't understand about his wife wanting to sleep around and leaving her kids; I don't know this person and secondly, this is a very ugly divorce due to her leaving her kids and her husbands, having affairs with several individuals and a not so happy husband filing for divorce and its really a case of...not very smart.

With all respect...I don't appreciate the noah's ark remark. It's okay for married couples to want to be friends with other married couples too.
You stated that you were only playing couples games. If you did have widowed friends, what would they then do? It's really unfortunate, but some widows actually DO get dropped by their married friends because they're no longer married.

The problem here is that you did invite this woman. You should have left your friend holding the bag after she invited someone you didn't want to attend your party. But since you did invite her, you and your husband, the hosts who invited her, now have to honor the invitation that you extended and be gracious. As Xanthia mentioned, I would also tell your friend to never again invite anyone to your events.

If your husband cannot control himself, you should really rethink having the party. It is just wrong to snub invited guests in your home. As an alternative, you could cancel the party, choose a different date and issue new invitations. I'd even consider not inviting the person who started this whole mess by putting you on the spot.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 11, 2006, 05:04:02 PM
We would probrably make it less the quiet family dinner party we were going to have and had a more open party and invited others as well...if we knew other widow/ers or single parents and had invited them.

However, we had planned for a small group of married couples (including my friend and her husband) that we knew and my friend was aware of that for a month now.

BTW: Given our table only sits 6 people, whether we want to or not, that's why it seem to make sense to invite our married friends (both his side and mine).
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: graceh9 on December 11, 2006, 05:23:05 PM
We would probrably make it less the quiet family dinner party we were going to have and had a more open party and invited others as well...if we knew other widow/ers or single parents and had invited them.

However, we had planned for a small group of married couples (including my friend and her husband) that we knew and my friend was aware of that for a month now.

BTW: Given our table only sits 6 people, whether we want to or not, that's why it seem to make sense to invite our married friends (both his side and mine).


for me the problem is stressing the couples nature of the event when the real issue is this is a person you didn't want to invite and now want to snub

I totally understand why you don't want her and think your friend was a doink for inviting her --- but it isn't about couples really -- it is about you saying yes to something you didn't want to do -- the time to make the 'couples' point was with your friend 'this is a party just for couples Fred and I are close to --it isn't a big drop in party -- you will have to tell Slutina that this isn't going to work, that I said no to adding guests'

of course now the cats out of the bag and all of us have allowed ourselves to be pushed into something at one time or another that we shouldn't have -- so at this point you do have to suck it up and be a friendly host -- and next time say what you mean when someone like your tactless friend tries something like this
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Lady Vavasour on December 11, 2006, 05:35:30 PM
Why didn't you just tell your friend that it is a couple-only event and unsuitable for a single person? Without getting into the politics of couple-only events, it seems like a fair enough excuse.

I agree, though, that now that you've invited her, you have to make her feel welcome. Maybe you could invite another single friend to help out (I know, it's annoying, but then you did get yourself into this situation by agreeing to invite her).
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 11, 2006, 05:43:04 PM
Giving the seating arrangements...it's going to be awkward for everyone. We have a small place and the only other table we have available is the small kiddie table for the kids. Well..that and the desk.

We're canceling the games that we had planned and sticking to just coffee afterwards. It's one thing if her friend was recently widow or her husband left her, but it's another when she instituted it...and I think my friend is losing some friends who are tired of her "babysitting" this friend.

Trouble was...I got caught on the spot. yes I should have said something, but that's just me...I was raised to be polite and considerate.

I didn't want to draw myself to her level since this caught me way off guard since she knew about this a month in advance and less than 5 days before the party, threw this my way.

So I was trying to be polite but wanted to find a tactful way to approach her, however given my husband doesn't really respect her friend, as polite as he will try to be, he also does not want to encourage her since she's pretty much have openly been with more than a few individuals that not only her husband was aware, but his friends and as another friend told me, she even had a DJ tell her to stop what she was doing (her husband's friend heard the DJ say some not flattering remarks) so we're wondering what my friend is even thinking to do that...

My friend has been calling all day "offering to give us a hand with preparation" so we're feeling she feel's guilty; That and her husband just called mine to apologize and that he is going to speak to his wife that "not everyone feels sorry for her friend".

However he realizes as we do...this friend has been invited..there is no place for her to sit for dinner and that wasn't a smart move to have invited her less than 5 days without..oh using logic why her friend whose not a friend of mine was not invited ; not to mention under the current circumstances.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 11, 2006, 05:44:51 PM
Why didn't you just tell your friend that it is a couple-only event and unsuitable for a single person? Without getting into the politics of couple-only events, it seems like a fair enough excuse.

I agree, though, that now that you've invited her, you have to make her feel welcome. Maybe you could invite another single friend to help out (I know, it's annoying, but then you did get yourself into this situation by agreeing to invite her).

My friend knew for a month this was a couples only and so she invited her friend (because she felt sorry for her that her husband is divorcing her for her affairs), because she didn't want her friend to "feel lonely".

Sorry...we really don't know any single people, plus, her friend is still married, so we just don't want to get an innocent party involved, know what I mean?
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: kckgirl on December 11, 2006, 06:01:39 PM
Quote
Trouble was...I got caught on the spot. yes I should have said something, but that's just me...I was raised to be polite and considerate.

Our upbringing sometimes makes it a bit difficult for us, doesn't it? Most of us were raised to be polite and considerate, but you still don't have to let people walk over your values and morals in order to be polite. It's too late to change things for this time, but perhaps you could start practicing (in front of a mirror...it really helps) saying "No, that won't be possible" or "I'm sorry, but I cannot do that" or something very similar to that so that if a situation like this comes up again, it's already in your repertoire. You don't need to give a reason and can be a broken record if you're asked why it's not possible/can't be done.

I'm pretty sure you won't let your friend get away with this again, but try to find an occasion to mention it to her so she won't even try it. It's not your responsibility to entertain her lonely friends, especially when they're lonely of their own doing.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: kingsrings on December 11, 2006, 06:04:38 PM
I think this whole noah's ark thing is a bit weird -- if one of your friends is widowed does she fall off your social calendar and not get to play little reindeer games?

big mistake to have caved in and invited this woman -- your tactless friend should have been told no and charged with making clear that she spoke too soon  but you know that now -- don't let someone bully you into a mistake like this again

now YOU have invited her and it is very tacky to then treat her badly  YOU INVITED HER -- it would be the height of bad taste for your husband to snub her since YOU INVITED HER

you will need to organize games in such a way that being joined at the hip to one's spouse is not a requirement  -- 

I don't think that there is anything wrong with having specific-only parties sometimes. Singles only, marrieds only, whatever. Some activities and social situations are only specific to one group of people, such as playing the couples games at this poster's party. For another instance, my single friends and I have a Valentine's Day party every year, and it's singles-only. It's our own way of having fun together since we don't have SO's. Since that is the point of the party, of course we wouldn't invite any marrieds.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: ZipTheWonder on December 11, 2006, 08:10:49 PM
Tread softly..you DID send her an invite, even if you did not want to, purposefully making her feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in your home would be IMHO worse than your friend fishing for the invite.  If your husband so strongly objects she should NOT have been invited, but she was "invited" now it is time for everyone to play nice.

I totally agree.  Once you have (albeit, begrudgingly) agreed to host her, you must treat her as a guest.  If you can't do it, it would be less egregious to call and let her know you cannot accomodate her at your party.  To do anything else would be to behave in a way that is far worse than either your friend or the woman she asked you to invite.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 11, 2006, 08:13:43 PM
Sorry...we really don't know any single people, plus, her friend is still married, so we just don't want to get an innocent party involved, know what I mean?

tendereyes, i really don't have anything helpful to add, this is just dreadful for you. 

but i did want to support you in agreeing with you that not wanting to involve an innocent party, even if you DO know a single man.  especially considering the history of your added guest.  ::)
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: blarg314 on December 12, 2006, 04:55:18 AM

I would say that the couples vs singles party part is irrelevant - the OP organised a party with a small, specific guest list partially based around dinner at a small table and playing games that involved pairs - so requiring an even number of people.  It wasn't a large guest list holiday party, or a casual drop in event.  Her friend then attempted to shoehorn someone else in, which would throw off the plans for the activities and the setup for the meal.  The OP would be well within her rights to not have been guilted into extended the invitation.

However, once the invitation has actually been issued, it's not fair to deliberately set out to make a guest uncomfortable when they arrive, regardless how you feel about them or their lifestyle. It's probably worth bringing up the issue with the friend who instigated it, however. 

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: ShadesOfGrey on December 12, 2006, 08:41:03 AM

Basically through the whole story, I found out she told her friend, she could come and then tells me to "nudge nudge" be a good sport, to which I felt like directly saying "nudge nudge" that was in poor taste and uncall for because this was OUR house and not her call to be inviting people and then calling me to ask if it was okay although already putting me in a bad spot.

My husband is already ticked at my friend and I'm just very very  :( at being put in a tight spot and plan on trying to find a civil and tactful way of telling her, for the future, there is a reason why we invited certain people to OUR party and it's not her place to be inviting and that it was not appreciate.

I think you have answered your own questions - the first paragraph is what you *should have* done (while you were in the situation, but you know that) and the second paragraph clearly states what you *should* say now.  Sounds civil and tactful to me.

BTW - my *words* are not meant to be instructive (ie "you should ahve done XXX, what were you thinking?!"), but just illustrative of the fact that I think you answered your own question.  After re-reading the post to myself, it isnt coming off the way I intended, but I cant figure out how else to say what I mean, so please just know my post doesnt presume me to be condescending, just helpful. 

ETA: Wow, I should have read the whole thread first (I almost always do).  Sounds like you already ahve your answer and then some.  I think it was wise to cancel the 'couples' games, if ony for the other couples that will notice the VERY awkward situation of leaving someone out.  You did make your bed and now you have to lie in it, but it sounds like your "polite upbringing" has also already told you that.  This will also inform you on how to approach your friend to not do it again. 

That being said, I agree with the poster (I am sorry, I never remember names!) who said that a firm "I am sorry, that will not be possible" is NOT a rude response.  Setting boundaries is NOT rude.  After reading the whole thread this time (Unless someone posted while I typed this!), I think this is the key issue here.  Take note, and take heart, it is simply one party, and now you have a valuable lesson learned.  (Sounds like you may even have more opportunity to practice setting boundaries with this friend!)

good luck!
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 12, 2006, 11:20:16 AM
Definetely appreciate the advice of everyone...Well called up my friend (Friend A) about her Friend (Friend C) and well here's the gist of things so far:

Well good news and bad news.

Good news: I finally talked to "Sue" and she apologized and said she understood and appreciate me talking to her about that and ask casually how many couples I thought would be intending, etc.

Bad News: She never mention anything about uninvting her friend so hubby and I talk and we're going to be grit teeth gracious and just deal with it. 

Neutral News: I talked to a mutual friend of my friend and I and she (we'll call her Mary) understood and was going to talk to my friend, we shall call her "Sue to save typing, and get a feeling from "Sue" to see if "Joan" (uninvited friend) would come or not.

Mary understood the dilemna and went...you're in a really bad spot and  Sue has left you hanging now about if "Joan" is planning to attend and best thing is just hope "Joan" will not come since, as "Mary" continued in our conversation," Joan, does not even really know you or your husband and the only purpose of "Joan" being there is for the comfort of "Sue" and honestly "Tendereyes, that's not your job to be "Joan's" comfort.

She went on that she was going to talk to "Sue" and explain to her that ,"Look, you can do this at your own home but Sue, you have to remember that doesn't go the same for other homes and other people really do have different ways of doing this and plus this is the holidays and right now is just not a "kosher" time to include your friend. Wait till after the divorce and she gets her life together, but right now is NOT social time and is really hurting not only friends but "JOan" as well."

Not to mention... Mary made a good point, This is just not smart. We don't know "Joan and this is NOT the time to play get to know. All we know is what she has done and the right thing, is let things play out and if we want to get to know "Joan" later fine, but this isn't the bright way to do things. If anything, it's a recipe for disaster.

And my friend "Mary" is right. Looking from that perspective..."Joan" made her bed and has to lay in it...On top of that, she is going to have to deal with a lot of stigma as well and this is not going to help make things better. If anything "Sue" is just aiding to make things worse. It's bad enough "Joans" husband and kids lives were torn apart..."

The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions.

So I'm going to hear from "Mary" and get an idea of how things go. "Mary" was telling me that she's already had to tell  "Sue" to keep her distance with "Joan from her (Mary) family, already, due to Joan hitting on Mary's husband.

So I may have some leverage there which would be helpful...I hope.

If Joan shows up, great and Sue knows she goofed and she did apologized although she left me hanging with the stick so to speak.

Mary admitted she would be surprised if Joan shows up since she doesn't know me or my hubby and if she did, well she is only going to hurt her reputation more because this shows a lack of respect and self esteem on her part and Sue needs to realize it's not like Joan is recently widow or a single parent or her husband had left her, rather Joanabandon her husband and kids openly and commit more than one single act and didn't care that the world knew and not that she is getting divorce, the "pity me" doesn't wear well and that "Sue" is only enabling and hurting "Joan" and herself.

Mary went on and said, Joan has already destroyed her own family and right now she (Joan) is dealing with a lot of not so good emotions and it's not right to be expecting anyone to be involved with that.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: sparksals on December 12, 2006, 11:39:32 AM
I'm sorry, my head is spinning trying to keep A, B and C straight.  Could you possibly edit with pseudonyms like Jane, mary and Sally so your post isn't so  confusing? I made it to the end of neutral news and had to stop. 
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 12, 2006, 11:44:47 AM
Lol..sorry :)

Hopefully this helps clear things out.

Basically "Mary" is going to help me feel the waters to see if "Joan" will show up and she's hoping "Joan"will have sense not to, and went...we really can't uninvite her, which is true, but on the other hand, Joan does not know us and never really have talked to us before all this so she would be surprised if Joan does show up since she is basically going to a stranger's house but then went...well considering the events that led to her divorce, if she was brazen to do that, she's brazen to do this.

Anyway, Mary wanted to talk to "sue" about things and just let her know that this wasn't very polite or tactful. Mary had been invited but canceled along with another couple due to "Joan", and felt that "Sue" should learn that it's okay for her to be laidback, but not take it upon herself to invite Joan or anyone to other people's homes if she wants to keep having friends.

Another reason too was Mary is planning an event and is worried about Sue doing the same to her like she did to me and felt Sue needs to realize, her and Joan are not set at the hip and unless she wants her own marriage to fail and lose friends...there's a time and place for everything and this isn't the place to involve strangers in "consoling" Joan.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 12, 2006, 12:25:54 PM
Anyway, Mary wanted to talk to "sue" about things and just let her know that this wasn't very polite or tactful. Mary had been invited but canceled along with another couple due to "Joan", and felt that "Sue" should learn that it's okay for her to be laidback, but not take it upon herself to invite Joan or anyone to other people's homes if she wants to keep having friends.

Another reason too was Mary is planning an event and is worried about Sue doing the same to her like she did to me and felt Sue needs to realize, her and Joan are not set at the hip and unless she wants her own marriage to fail and lose friends...there's a time and place for everything and this isn't the place to involve strangers in "consoling" Joan.



okay, Mary and her husband, and another couple has cancelled because of Joan.  how many people, besides Sue, her husband, and Joan, are attending?  if it's the majority of the party, i might give some thought to cancelling.  and i'm not sure i would invite Sue when i rescheduled. 

Mary is right, it certainly isn't your responsibility to "console" Joan.  and if Mary has already experienced problems with Joan hitting on HER husband......well, that would be enough of a red flag for me.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: ZipTheWonder on December 12, 2006, 01:51:50 PM
I might be missing something, but it sounds like there is sort of a long chain of people carrying information between yourself and Joan.  Why couldn't you speak directly to Joan or to the person who invited?
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 12, 2006, 02:12:53 PM
 I've already spoken to the person who invited Joan but she doesn't want to be the one to uninvite her .

I on the other hand have no idea who Joan is. We've never really met as in..getting together, have lunch, etc.. I don't have her number, know where she lives, what she does, nothing. She doesn't even know our last name, nothing about us.

The one time I saw her was at Sue's party and Joan was openly telling everyone how she lied to her husband about her "exploits" and "erased evidence" and that he doesn't know the full story, to which she proceeded to tell everyone...I and everyone else also now know Joan lives an hour or so away from us and well...the not so polite details of her life that she loves to share with everyone because she can't figure out why people thinks it's so wrong. She married young and just wanted to live her life too (that's her reasoning), and it's not fair for her husband to be so non-understanding. She even tried to demonstrate to all of us the skirt that was so short it would put Britney Spears to shame and my husband remark was, She's unstable.

Beyond that...at the party and ever after, we have not bother to get her phone number to invite her for lunch...lol. Even then, we never talked to her and basically stayed in the corner with a group of other couples who were huddling there for protection...Lol.

Joan left very early that night and I heard that she had been trying to get close to one of the couple's husband.

Sue is basically getting everyone involved in Joan's cause because she feels sorry for Joan and doesn't want Joan to be "lonely" because "Sue can't understand how mean Joan's husband is for not understanding Joan was just sowing her roots, why is he filing for divorce due to adultery".

Mary has known Sue longer than I have and when Sue told Mary Joan was coming, Mary backed out because her husband was the one getting the "consoling" from Joan.


Which brings another good lesson..."First Impressions really does make a difference".

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: VorFemme on December 12, 2006, 02:23:37 PM
***gurk***

Sounds like an emergency needs to come up - can someone's kids turn out to have been exposed to measles/mumps/rubella/chickenpox/strep(or other contagious disease of your choice that is making the rounds in your area) and the party will have to wait until AFTER the incubation period is over to avoid starting a mini-epidemic? 

With all the times I've gotten sick from people sending their kids to school the last two weeks before Christmas break with diseases that my kid(s) proceeded to bring home and give to ME - there are times when I want to crawl into a plastic bubble after Thanksgiving until after New Year's..........just to make sure I am not sick AGAIN for December.

Let's just say that there have been winters when antibiotics were a dietary supplement, if not a dietary staple, for VorFemme and family. 

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 12, 2006, 02:24:53 PM
Sue is basically getting everyone involved in Joan's cause because she feels sorry for Joan and doesn't want Joan to be "lonely" because "Sue can't understand how mean Joan's husband is for not understanding Joan was just sowing her roots, why is he filing for divorce due to adultery".

so tell me, did we manage to get the decorated clue x 4 out of the old board before it crashed?  if not, we need to make a brand new one, and possibly dedicate it to Sue.... :o
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Lisbeth on December 12, 2006, 02:26:37 PM
Tell your "friend," "Friend, we did not appreciate your telling anyone else they can come to our party.  In the future, if we extend you an invitation, it is for you alone and not to be extended to others.  Only we get to decide who is on our guest list.  That means no more nudge, nudge."
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 12, 2006, 03:03:50 PM
I've already have and she's getting reinforced by Mary whose dealing with the same thing from Sue and glad that someone's spoked up. Mary's basically I don't know this Joan well either, and I don't want to particularly after Joan seeking to be "console" by her husband.

I think the only clue Sue would get is if it happens to her personally...maybe then she can figure out why Joan isn't on everyone's top list to invite, rather they know her or not...

Even Mary was shocked at how brash and tactless Sue and Joan is particularly Sue knows Joan does not know us and "nudge nudge" why I haven't tried to get Joan's number to get to know her.

Ironically...Sue had asked earlier if we had invited my sil because get this...Sue doesn't know her and doesn't like the fact she's a Christian so Sue is very uncomfortable being around my sil and doesn't like have "religion" thrust on her.... :o



Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 12, 2006, 03:08:22 PM
***gurk***

Sounds like an emergency needs to come up - can someone's kids turn out to have been exposed to measles/mumps/rubella/chickenpox/strep(or other contagious disease of your choice that is making the rounds in your area) and the party will have to wait until AFTER the incubation period is over to avoid starting a mini-epidemic? 

With all the times I've gotten sick from people sending their kids to school the last two weeks before Christmas break with diseases that my kid(s) proceeded to bring home and give to ME - there are times when I want to crawl into a plastic bubble after Thanksgiving until after New Year's..........just to make sure I am not sick AGAIN for December.

Let's just say that there have been winters when antibiotics were a dietary supplement, if not a dietary staple, for VorFemme and family. 



We actually talked about canceling but then went...why are we canceling because of someone WE don't know. We are probrably going to end up with the option of uninviting and risk looking like *gasp* terrible people, but when weighing the two evils together...we think we can afford this stigmatism.

We're basically uninviting a stranger we never met, will never meet and unless we go to one of the frequent bars and clubs (which we're not), no chance of ever meeting...she doesn't live in town, near town or anyway that our paths will cross..and if she is going to be angry about strangers un-inviting her...then both her and Sue have got to wake up and get a grip of priorities and reality.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Virg on December 12, 2006, 03:30:37 PM
If there's a simple solution, it's this.  Since you had more than half of the guest list back out, tell Sue that the party has been cancelled.  Have Sue tell Joan.  Then, tell Mary, Sue and the other couple that the original party was cancelled, and that frees up your schedule for a party held coincidentally at the same time and place.  Make sure Sue doesn't pass the new invitation on to Joan.  Due to Joan's absence, I sense that Mary and husband, and the other couple, might find a gap in their schedule.

Sure, it's functionally the same as uninviting Joan, but honestly, it would be more rude to advise her why the guest backed out, or to have her to your house with just you two, Sue and husband, and her and risk your tempers getting out of hand.  Considering you have no contact with her socially and no desire to, I'd consider that a less risky proposition.

Virg
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Bob Ducca on December 12, 2006, 04:59:06 PM
Agree with Virg...if guests you wanted to have are backing out because of the guest you didn't want, then cancel the party and reschedule.

Without the "nudge nudge" woman, if need be.

I think I get the logic behind "why reschedule over someone we don't like..." but, from the sound of it, the party you had envisioned is gone, anyway.  Just cancel and reschedule, for the same night if you like, but call it off.

Good luck!
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 12, 2006, 05:06:54 PM
It's been canceled. It's done...Joan sent me an email saying her and her husband was "reconciling" and both of them had plan on coming and sorry to hear that we felt that way...I'm in tears but this is what I get right?


Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: liz5037 on December 12, 2006, 06:03:22 PM
It sounds like you just dodged not one, but two uninvited guests.  It takes some nerve for her to have invited her husband in turn.  Hopefully you can reschedule and have the party you originally wanted to have, now that Joan is no  longer lonely.

Good luck!  :)
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 12, 2006, 06:29:15 PM
It's been canceled. It's done...Joan sent me an email saying her and her husband was "reconciling" and both of them had plan on coming and sorry to hear that we felt that way...I'm in tears but this is what I get right?

no, this isn't what you get!  you tried, against your better judgement, to carry out a party that was basically hijacked by a friend, on behalf of HER friend.  at your house!  where you deleted the games you planned on because you suddenly had an unplanned-for single woman!  who is prone to "console" other women's husbands!

reschedule your party, for the same night, with the same list of attendees, perhaps sans Sue and her husband.  Sue will possibly have to learn the hard way.  you, however, are off the hook.  let Joan and her husband have their period of reconcilliation.

and by the way, i'm not usually this mean.  it just irritates me that first Joan wanted to come to your party and finagled an invite, and NOW she's getting back with her husband, and apparently expects you to host him (and probably their children as it was billed as a family party) as well.  and these are all people that you don't even know!!! 

in the words of my step gramma, harumph!
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 12, 2006, 07:19:31 PM
We just got a very not so nice email saying we "HAVE" to invite Joan and her husband or else. Basically we are told to invite them to our personal party so we can "get to know them better".

There's a time and place for everything and last I checked, this was our party we were planning...LOL..so take notes from my situation right now of how NOT to have a party...sigh.

I wrote back with gritted teeth,

"It just felt like it was going more dramatic then it need to be and now she was inviting her husband as well and sending me the email; It went from my husband and I trying to hold a party to it feeling like it was being "hijack".

In addition, We feel like it was becoming less of our party from what it had intended and from our perspective...It was being held against us for being selective who to invite...there are people on his side that we didn't invite either but maybe in a different occassion we would have...

And the worse part, if it was going to be held against us that we couldn't have a say about our own party, that made us very uncomfortable and uncomfortable thinking it's not just people from this group we were inviting or not inviting.

I don't know Joan or her husband; In any other circumstances, it would be fine to take the time to get to know them then, but this was a private, personal party , my husband and I wanted to hold for the people closest to us that we knew.

So should I continue to invite Joan and her husband and be forced to get to know them at a party that the original guest list did not include them for no other reason, but we don't know them, no more there are people on my hubby's side we didn't invite because not only do we not know them but this was not intended to be an open party.

I feel like I have no say about my own party and that really hurts there.
People coming here would be more than just people I know from the group. It got to the point, DH and I went, if we can't be comfortable and hold our own party, for the sake of emotions and sanity; It's safer to just cancel."


Basically my husband said, if they want to act like that...maybe they can find a high school party they can attend in lieu of coming to our home.

This is a great example of a etiquette disaster.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 12, 2006, 07:46:31 PM
We just got a very not so nice email saying we "HAVE" to invite Joan and her husband or else. Basically we are told to invite them to our personal party so we can "get to know them better".

There's a time and place for everything and last I checked, this was our party we were planning...LOL..so take notes from my situation right now of how NOT to have a party...sigh.

I wrote back with gritted teeth,

"It just felt like it was going more dramatic then it need to be and now she was inviting her husband as well and sending me the email; It went from my husband and I trying to hold a party to it feeling like it was being "hijack".

In addition, We feel like it was becoming less of our party from what it had intended and from our perspective...It was being held against us for being selective who to invite...there are people on his side that we didn't invite either but maybe in a different occassion we would have...

And the worse part, if it was going to be held against us that we couldn't have a say about our own party, that made us very uncomfortable and uncomfortable thinking it's not just people from this group we were inviting or not inviting.

I don't know Joan or her husband; In any other circumstances, it would be fine to take the time to get to know them then, but this was a private, personal party , my husband and I wanted to hold for the people closest to us that we knew.

So should I continue to invite Joan and her husband and be forced to get to know them at a party that the original guest list did not include them for no other reason, but we don't know them, no more there are people on my hubby's side we didn't invite because not only do we not know them but this was not intended to be an open party.

I feel like I have no say about my own party and that really hurts there.
People coming here would be more than just people I know from the group. It got to the point, DH and I went, if we can't be comfortable and hold our own party, for the sake of emotions and sanity; It's safer to just cancel."


Basically my husband said, if they want to act like that...maybe they can find a high school party they can attend in lieu of coming to our home.

This is a great example of a etiquette disaster.



Or Else?  Or Else?  your house, your party, and it's or else? 

good for you, and good for your DH. you are NOT required to invite anyone into your home that you do not care to have there.  that's why it's YOUR home!  i assume this e-mail was from Sue.  good for her.  then she will not be invited to your home either.  i hope that she and Joan are very happy together.  invite Mary with her husband, and the other couple who declined when they heard that Joan was invited, and enjoy your party.

and ignore that stupid e-mail!  anyone who would send that, and demand that you invite someone into your home that neither you nor DH want there is no friend.  let HER entertain them!
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 12, 2006, 08:10:49 PM
It was from Sue who couldn't believe we were so "ungrateful and rude"...Ungrateful and rude because we wouldn't let a party at our home, that we plan go out of control.

We were told , we should have "specify" it was a private party...Considering we sent out RSVP's to specific people a month ago, and then did followups and another followup,  specifiying everything from what we were serving, to the games that we went and cancel, to even dress...how more specific could we have been, other than personally going to each home and reading and signing their invitations for them?

I can handle that faux paus so to speak.

If we were having to invite Joan and her husband then whose next...How do we not know that Joan and her husband might "know someone themselves that they want to invite" and oh, what if Sue wanted to invite someone else...and if we don't invite them...off the friend's list we go then?

Where does it end?

If they want to have that type of party...they can have it on their own time and place...basically what amazes me is that this is really a classless and tasteless act of their own.

When does it end?

When we eventually invite the whole party and who is going to pay for all this? Are they going to buy us a bigger house or more furniture to cater to them?

As much as I want to be a gracious host...they need to learn to be gracious guests too. If they are going to act like this now and be demanding...Heavens know how they will act on the day of the party.

And the funny and stupid part about me doing this? It was because I did it out of not wanting to hurt and offend Sue.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 12, 2006, 08:33:24 PM
DH just pointed something out that didn't hit me till now...This whole thing was because Joan was going to be "alone"...then after the uninvite...it turns out she was reconciling with her husband and he was coming along too??

So how in a space of a few days this all happen...and maybe was Joan planning on bringing someone to pass off as her husband or maybe a date and now got caught so now she's doing the emotional blackmail of I'm back with my husband to qualify for the party, since I've NEVER met the man or now what he look like.

So that means..our party would have went  from a holiday party to a reconciliation party on our time, space and money?
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: willow08 on December 12, 2006, 08:36:42 PM


Basically through the whole story, I found out she told her friend, she could come and then tells me to "nudge nudge" be a good sport,



That would really irritate me. You do not invite people to my hosue without permission and then call me a bad sport when I react badly. You're a bigger person than I because I would not allow someone who I didn't know (other than hearing about her extramarital exploits) in my home just because they were feeling lonely as the result of their own misbehavior. Let's not even go into the fact that she's bringing her kids too.

I think I'd re-evaluate my relationship with said "friend." Does she frequently put the feelings and needs of others ahead of yours?
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 12, 2006, 08:39:32 PM
If you believe the email at this rate..Joan has reconciled with her husband and is "no longer lonely"...which means that I may have just been played the world's biggest sucker to either pay and host someone's reconciliation party or was going to be the site of someone's clandistane (I mis-spelled that didn't I) meeting.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 12, 2006, 09:08:44 PM
It was from Sue who couldn't believe we were so "ungrateful and rude"...Ungrateful and rude because we wouldn't let a party at our home, that we plan go out of control.

you are rude to not let a party that you were hosting in your home to be taken over by someone else? and can you please ask Sue exactly how you were ungrateful to not want to invite HER friend to your party?  if Sue is so very concerned about Joan, she can be the hostess of her own party. let's call it this week's reconcilliation party.

We were told , we should have "specify" it was a private party...Considering we sent out RSVP's to specific people a month ago, and then did followups and another followup,  specifiying everything from what we were serving, to the games that we went and cancel, to even dress...how more specific could we have been, other than personally going to each home and reading and signing their invitations for them?

since you invited only certain people, expecting and receiving RSVPs, this WAS a private party.  party in a private home=private party.  what else did you need to say?
I can handle that faux paus so to speak.

no faux pax yet on your part that i can see

And the funny and stupid part about me doing this? It was because I did it out of not wanting to hurt and offend Sue.

Sue doesn't seem to feel the same obligation to you. i'm sorry for that.  she was rude to trick you to invite her little friend Joan.  but she calls you rude?  please do invite her to post her side here.  bet she doesn't.  because she'll get her etiquette butt kicked. 

just proof that no good deed goes unpunished.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 12, 2006, 09:16:28 PM
If she is still talking to me.

It would explain the fact she's been avoiding me since asking me to invite Joan. Normally she would call me each day or drop an email, but since springing it on me, she was acting very meek and hard to reach.

Even today I wasn't able to reach her at all and that's not normal and she cancel a playgroup that  was preplanned...

I feel like buying her a book of etiquette as a gift.

Though if she does try to say anything later, I would be, hey, don't believe me...here's a link to post your question and see what others say.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: willow08 on December 13, 2006, 06:34:33 AM
We just got a very not so nice email saying we "HAVE" to invite Joan and her husband or else. Basically we are told to invite them to our personal party so we can "get to know them better".


Or else what? You need to drop Sue like a hot potato.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 13, 2006, 09:30:01 AM
We have; She and Joan sent an email stating we have to be more "specific" in our invitations.

Basically we have a headache. These are just classless, tasteless people who are out to use us and Sue is showing her true colors.

Nothing's more rude than someone sending a letter or email stating, well we have big parties because we feel the more the merrier so we assume you should to. They assume wrong. This is not their house.

Sue added that receiving an invitation with an RSVP and with it stating, her, her husband and her kids was not specific enough to let her know she couldn't invite whomever she wanted and that it didn't say specifically on the invitation only her and not her group of friends (yes she said that) were not invited and it was our fault for not being specific.

I sent a tert reply asking her to leave us alone; The party is canceled; we are not event planners nor do we own a club and that when a party is cancelled it is done with and that includes everyone. No further issues and if she perpetuates it, she shows she cared more about using us, and hijacking the party and is trying to make an issue of nothing.

She went on to say if Joan was with her husband would we had invited them then, and I said, "No, we wouldn't" .

This is not the time or place and maybe at a different event but not this one.

I didnt lose a friend. I lost a classless, tasteless, individual who represents a portion of society who lacks NO manners.
Title: Example of how not to be a good guest
Post by: tendereyes on December 13, 2006, 09:44:46 AM
We received the following:

My husband and I have made it clear they are no longer welcome at our home; What was outrageous was the fact that they are basically wanting us to invite this now couple to our home or else and if we don't  we're in the wrong.

This just degenerated into pure tasteless lack of class and respect. They shoved their welcome out the door and provided a good example of how not to behave as friends or guests.

Here's the letter I receive this morning:


There is so much that is not being seen by everyone. No one meant to make it such a big deal. The world doesn't revolve around Joan and frankly - she needs to understand that it was an intimate gathering. I don't think anyone realized that it was what you and Husband had planned it to be. As for Sue she can speak for herself, but I can tell you that she as indifferent as I am. She knew it wasn't just a Mom's group party. She felt awkward because Joan went to her about it after hearing about the party somewhere else and when she asked you about it, your response was okay. Had she been told from the beginning that it was being limited to a certain number of people, she definately would have relayed that to Joan. And then Joan was apparently put on and then taken back off of the E-vite. So from what I have seen, it seems like there were some communication issues here. You're not being ostracized or anything like that. No one wanted to take over your party. It's just a matter of one person who was looking for a family party to go to and this one came up. She thought it was okay to show up and then realized it wasn't. Everyone will get over it.

Again - in the future when you throw a party that's exclusive of other people you really should make it clear. Around here, parties have the potential to get big because we all hang out and talk to each other. Most of us have a "more the merrier" sort of mentality so when we're talking about what we're doing for whatever night or weekend, the party prospects - especially those involving kids - tend to grow. That's why we all do the "bring your own booze" or food things. So just make it clear when you are going to invite a select group that your guests (at least -----ones) know it's closed. It's like passing out invitations at school - you gotta either bring one for everyone or mail them out because no one likes being left out. I know it's juvenile, but it's human nature, you know?


Apparently RSVP's, a personally sent invitation, you, your husband and children and "small party" wasn't clear enough that we weren't hosting a tailgate party
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 13, 2006, 10:04:49 AM
Sue added that receiving an invitation with an RSVP and with it stating, her, her husband and her kids was not specific enough to let her know she couldn't invite whomever she wanted and that it didn't say specifically on the invitation only her and not her group of friends (yes she said that) were not invited and it was our fault for not being specific.

so no one has clued Sue into the fact that an invitation addressed to her, her husband, and her children means that no on but her, her husband, and her children are invited, expected, or welcome?  unless Sue has legally adopted Joan and her husband, THEY WEREN'T INCLUDED!!!!!

i don't know how much more specific you could have been, tendereyes.
Title: Re: Example of how not to be a good guest
Post by: gjcva1 on December 13, 2006, 10:08:00 AM
So just make it clear when you are going to invite a select group that your guests (at least -----ones) know it's closed. It's like passing out invitations at school - you gotta either bring one for everyone or mail them out because no one likes being left out. I know it's juvenile, but it's human nature, you know?


well there you go, the next time you see Sue and Joan coming in from the playground at the end of recess, you be sure to invite them BOTH home for milk and cookies after school, now.  don't want to be rude.   ::)

tendereyes, i am so sorry this whole mess happened to you.  and you're right, you are well-rid of these classless clods.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 13, 2006, 10:09:51 AM
We're not even bothering with them anymore or the subject. The party has been cancelled and they need to get the message it has been cancel and we are not resurrecting it for them. They have no sense of etiquette, tact or class.

The letter that they had the audacity to send, said it all.

They have to be the ulitmate guests from hell and I'm glad to have uninvited her friend (though a quarantee to e-hell that sends me..lol) and I'm glad to have canceled the party.

Just from the letter they sent was proof enough that no matter what I and my husband would have done had we continue with the party, it would not have been enough, save handing them our house keys, our wallets and our vehicles.

I could have been so gracious a host to win an award and I have a STRONG feeling it wouldn't have been enough for Joan or Sue.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 13, 2006, 10:18:36 AM
Come to think of it..if we go by Sue..I owe everyone here an apology as well for not sending all of you here invitations and oh yes..the 50 so members of the mom's group she and I were in.  :D ;)
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: ShadesOfGrey on December 13, 2006, 10:19:41 AM
Sue added that receiving an invitation with an RSVP and with it stating, her, her husband and her kids was not specific enough to let her know she couldn't invite whomever she wanted and that it didn't say specifically on the invitation only her and not her group of friends (yes she said that) were not invited and it was our fault for not being specific.

so no one has clued Sue into the fact that an invitation addressed to her, her husband, and her children means that no on but her, her husband, and her children are invited, expected, or welcome?  unless Sue has legally adopted Joan and her husband, THEY WEREN'T INCLUDED!!!!!

i don't know how much more specific you could have been, tendereyes.

True, but the OP did send Joan an e-vite and then retract that invitation. She has to deal with the consequences of that action (she said she would in a previous post, as the 'lesser of two evils,').  Yes it was rude and tacky for the friend to invite Joan, and even tackier still to berate tenereyes for not inviting 'everyone', and while I am sympathetic to the idea that tendereyes had sufficient reason to recind her invitation (she was really caught in a bad spot), this whole situation seems to have gotten pretty messy, pretty quickly. 

tendereyes, I am sorry this got so messy for you, and it sounds like you have learned a lesson about being firm from the get-go, and what kind of friend you have in Sue.  I hope that you dont have to deal with the repercussions of this for very long. 

ETA: I am still a little shocked that she was planning to bring her husband...again, I dont blame the OP, I just think that there were mis-steps all around (some more egregious than others!).
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 13, 2006, 10:25:26 AM
To be honest...it doesn't really bother us and we're actually glad it happen. It showed us their true characters...

We discussed that considering Joan was now including her husband (after leading us on the presumption she was "divorcing and alone") and didn't bother to mention he was coming (particularly so we could prepare place/food setting)...She and Sue basically had lied to us from the beginning.

Yes, I shouldn't have sent her the evite...but I am glad I retract it, because we have a feeling that they would have pushed even more on our hospitality with more "uninvites".

Theoretically..say Joan was still coming; What if we had invited a single person to accomadate her...She misled us on the presumption she was "alone". So we would have a bigger problem that was escalating...so all in all...I think this was meant to be to show how thoughtless, classless and rude Sue and Joan are.

So how much more gracious can I continue to be? We cancel couple games...theoritically if she was still coming, we invite a single to balance out her coming but then she shows up with her husband so now the single is without a date so to speak....
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 13, 2006, 10:30:46 AM
Come to think of it..if we go by Sue..I owe everyone here an apology as well for not sending all of you here invitations and oh yes..the 50 so members of the mom's group she and I were in.  :D ;)

i'm glad that you realize that!  and what time is dinner?  ;D

i'll be forwarding you the list of foods i like and dislike in a bit....
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 13, 2006, 10:33:38 AM
Come to think of it..if we go by Sue..I owe everyone here an apology as well for not sending all of you here invitations and oh yes..the 50 so members of the mom's group she and I were in.  :D ;)

i'm glad that you realize that!  and what time is dinner?  ;D

i'll be forwarding you the list of foods i like and dislike in a bit....

LOL...and don't forget to tell me exactly how YOU want the house arrange...color on the walls, what me and my husband are supposed to wear.

Oh and before I become any more of an un-gracious host, would you like to go over the telephone book of people you want over at our house...LOL. ;D

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 13, 2006, 10:54:51 AM
LOL...and don't forget to tell me exactly how YOU want the house arrange...color on the walls, what me and my husband are supposed to wear.
Oh and before I become any more of an un-gracious host, would you like to go over the telephone book of people you want over at our house...LOL. ;D

oh i'm not terribly fussy.  it won't be necessary for your husband to rent a tux, and i think sequins are really tacky, so please don't wear anything with sequins on it!  ;)
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 13, 2006, 11:02:20 AM
Lol..I have had someone tell me that my DH should be mad at me for all this starting and he was basically...considering our guest even after the event was canceled has been arguing and pushing against not only just "no" but everything we were doing...this was just a sign we had to cancel and break our friendship...it reminded me of a thread here on this forum where someone try to invite their boyfriend along with them and everytime the host said no, the individual kept arguing with them trying to push them to say yes, eventually leading the host to tell them the party was cancel.

Unfortuantely there are individuals out there who are so determined to get their own way that "no" is not enough and in this case, "giving an inch had them screaming for a mile".

Sue's husband had the audacity to call my husband to "convince him to resume having the party and be a sport, re-invite Joan and her husband now and get to know them better", to which my husband told him to stop calling him, lose the number and "Hell no, you're wife may wear your pants but she doesn't wear mine and apparently you (Sue's husband) lost your etiquette book too" then hung up on him.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: ShadesOfGrey on December 13, 2006, 11:07:10 AM

to which my husband told him to stop calling him, lose the number and "Hell no, you're wife may wear your pants but she doesn't wear mine and apparently you (Sue's husband) lost your etiquette book too" then hung up on him.

ha! that's hilarious.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: girlmusic on December 13, 2006, 11:13:11 AM
"Hell no, you're wife may wear your pants but she doesn't wear mine and apparently you (Sue's husband) lost your etiquette book too" then hung up on him.

Your husband gets a standing ovation for that one!
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 13, 2006, 11:13:57 AM
I apology..I made a grammatically mistake..it should have been your wife...though it seems his wife is everyone's wife. ;D
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: willow08 on December 13, 2006, 11:16:30 AM
What is all this "be a good sport" stuff? Does that now translate into "Be quiet while we run over your wishes and feelings like a steamroller?" Are these people usually like this?

Also, why is it so important for you to "get to know Joan" and cuckholded hubby?
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 13, 2006, 11:22:58 AM
What is all this "be a good sport" stuff? Does that now translate into "Be quiet while we run over your wishes and feelings like a steamroller?" Are these people usually like this?

Also, why is it so important for you to "get to know Joan" and cuckholded hubby?

To be honest...at this point..I really don't want to know... ;D

However, I think you hit it on the spot with "Be quiet while we run over..."

It's bad enough they can't take no for an answer, or get the message about a party being cancelled and even then being upset...not about the friendship but the party being cancelled, then to keep pushing for us to invite a couple that frankly we don't want to know and are within our rights not to know....then to have the husband call...

I think his wife and her friend are two busybodies so to speak who are use to the world revolving around them, not to mention the way they have reacted tells me they were planning to take advantage of our hospitality.

I think they thought they smelled a goldmine and now are upset they lost it and if they are worry we will have a party without them (which I have a feeling had we done so, they would be upset still so there was no way around it graciously), that tells me they were looking for a free ride...not friendship.

Their reactions are above and beyond "normal reactions" and it's weird they don't want to know my family member and their spouse who are Christians but it's okay for them to push their friend whose not our friend on us...
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 13, 2006, 12:43:23 PM
and the hits just keep on coming!  are you sure you want to drop these people from your circle of friends?  just THINK of how many stories you could post about them here!!!!  8)
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 13, 2006, 12:53:22 PM
Lol...this party disaster is enough.. ;D

I'm happily to say all we are doing this weekend is a rented movie, popcorn, hubby, myself and the kids...and nothing.

Plus side..nothing to clean up

House will be cleaned for awhile..lol

and no food to be cooked or picked up...

Added: and no more stories or involvement...people who want drama in their lives are not people to be friends with...lesson learned too well.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: hobish on December 13, 2006, 02:04:44 PM

I have just spent the last 20 minutes of my lunch break reading this thread & all i can say is WOW. Just Wow.

Tendereyes, you should encapsulate that & submit it for the next update.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 13, 2006, 02:36:29 PM
Lol...No thank you...Just looking forward to a quiet weekend and mark the end of this nightmare and actually say a thankful prayer I found out how they really were at the very end.

As I look in retrospect...neither are the type of friends or guests anyone wants to have other than each other.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Moogle on December 14, 2006, 01:38:42 AM
Wow! I know this sounds selfish, but this whole thread was very interesting and I was dying to know how it ended.    ;D

Enjoy your quiet weekend with the people you care about the most and kudos for not letting them run you over.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: sammycat on December 14, 2006, 02:46:26 AM
I too have just finished reading this entire thread, and, wow, it was amazing!  :o I AM glad that you cancelled the party, but from a selfish point of view I'm sure that had it gone ahead (with Joan) it would have provided some more e-hell worthy stories.  Joan sounds like just a simply DELIGHTFUL person (not!), and as for Sue, well...  Had Sue given any indication of this sort of behaviour before?  And kudos to your husband for he said to Sue's husband.

Re. not being specific on the invitations - which part of Sue, hubby and children, did they think meant Joan, and any other stray they may happen to pick up?
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: ZipTheWonder on December 14, 2006, 09:42:58 AM
If there were ever a cautionary tale party etiquette, this is it.   

Somebody forgot the (lack of) wisdom in discussing a party unless you know everyone present is invited. It is just not done, and this is why.  The only person who should initiate a conversation about a party is the host/hostess, who should do it with extreme discretion about when/where it is done.  And guests should not discuss invitations except to respond in the most vague terms "Yes, I think Tendereyes is having a small get-to-gether later this month." 

Another problem....E-vite 'casualizes' invitations for some people and they can't resisting spreading the love.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: blarg314 on December 14, 2006, 11:23:20 AM

My evil twin is suggesting that the next time you have a party you send Sue a note specifically stating that neither she, her husband, or any of her friends, relatives acquaintences or coworkers are invited.

Or possibly a restraining order, because I could see them showing up at a party that they weren't invited to on the basis that they heard about it, and hey, the more the merrier.

At least you now know that these people are unhinged, and can avoid contact with them in the future.  I'd suggest not answering any more emails and, if you have call display, not answering their phone calls either. They'll just use any excuse to prolong the drama, and not responding is the best way to get it to stop.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: sweedetobee on December 14, 2006, 01:31:39 PM
I've just spent far too much time reading this thread (I'm at work) and it was very interesting. I'm sorry you had this mess to deal with and I have to tell you that I'm also bad at being put on the spot. It's something to work on (saying "no" when sort of ambushed by someone). And I've never received an invite (whether via paper, email or verbal) that specifically said NOT to invite someone - whoever it addressed to is who is invited, unless there is an additional note somewhere that says "please pass on to anyone I missed" or "please feel free to bring kids, dogs, etc."

I would just not plan any parties or activities for a while and maybe just have dinner some time with each of the couples (that you still like) from the original party.

You definitely need a relaxing weekend!
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Hawkwatcher on December 14, 2006, 01:39:04 PM

My evil twin is suggesting that the next time you have a party you send Sue a note specifically stating that neither she, her husband, or any of her friends, relatives acquaintences or coworkers are invited.



My evil twin thinks that the OP and some friends (at least twenty or so), could show up at Sue's house uninvited the next time Sue throws a party.  Sue and her husband won't mind because didn't Sue's husband state that attitude "around here is the the more the merrier."  I am sure that a party with twenty uninvited guests could be quite merry.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 14, 2006, 01:50:03 PM
ROFL...Thank you for giving us something to laugh about...ooo...I could hug and kiss all of your evil twins for those merry ideas!! LOL

My evil twin was thinking since apparently the e-vite plus the fact Sue knew what was going on regarding the party for a month wasn't enough, that maybe next time, to help clarify things for her and all connected to her, I should have taken out a full page ad in the newspaper, buy some radio time AND do a guest spot on Oprah so she can understand that only she, her husband and her children were invited.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 14, 2006, 03:35:32 PM


At least you now know that these people are unhinged, and can avoid contact with them in the future.  I'd suggest not answering any more emails and, if you have call display, not answering their phone calls either. They'll just use any excuse to prolong the drama, and not responding is the best way to get it to stop.

You're right...and you hit it about the phone calls and emails...guess what me and my husband have been receiving all day today now...The "nutcase" is getting someone else to sending me emails and I'm fixing to send her an email telling her to stop.

She wrote now:

Long time no see. I felt like I ought to say "Hi." Things got a little awkward a few days ago, and I'm sort of glad you cancelled the party since it put me in such a bad position with Joan.  She had heard about the party from (now she is saying someone else), and she seemed really excited about going to a family thing with her kids (and hubby?)   
 
I hadn't told her she couldn't come yet when she called and told me that she had been removed from the Evite. I was a little shocked since I didn't know she had been Evited already. That doesn't really seem like a good way to keep friends, especially when she's good friends with so many of us.
 
I'm not mad at you, and I hope you aren't upset with me, but I afraid that there might be a little tension for you and Joan (which isn't that bad since your paths don't cross that much.) I hope in time you guys can patch it up. This isn't a Mom's Group thing, so don't feel shy about the group. Noone knows what happened except those involved. We could probably keep it on the DL and not make it into a big deal.
 
How are you and your husband ? Still going to have a little office shindig, at least?


Seriously, I feel like our party maybe a cover for something else and that I really feel that her and Joan were planning to use us as an alibi and now that's blown.

Do you think at this point I should tell her any other email transactions will be consider as harassment?
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: sweedetobee on December 14, 2006, 04:25:44 PM
"we could probably keep it on the DL"??? Um excuse me but that's just rude. If she shares this story with ANYONE and it comes back to you just say "Yes, it was unfortunate that someone extended an invitation to someone else without asking me first" and never say more than that. Be the bigger person.

Now, just my opinion - but it seems like this has taken up way too much of your time already.

1) Don't respond at all. You will see her when you see her. That works as long as you don't want to be her friend at all anymore. Which I'm not sure if that affects your Mom's Group?
1a) you can even block her emails to you or at least set up a "rule" to put them directly into your Trash folder

2) Send her a SHORT email saying that yes, things were awkward and that it was indeed unforutnate that you were put on the spot with an uninvited guest. You wish you had said NO from the beginning and just nipped it in the bud but unfortunately that did not happen and only later on did really think about what happened and then learn that other guests would actually cancel if Joan were to be there. However as you have no interest in becoming friends with Joan you are not terribly upset about it - only upset about your time today which was wasted. That's it. Nothing more. You could say it better than me, but really don't even take the time to repond in a lengthy email.
2a) Just make sure that whatever you put in an email will be something that you don't mind being forwarded around - I wouldn't put it past this woman...

Edited to add - you know what? in my point 2 I would have also said that "It is unforunate that people were talkign about a party in front of someone who was clearly NOT on the Evite list.  It is also unfortunate that Joan thought she could invite herself to any event and even more unfortunate that she thought she could invite her children to what was clearly an adults only evening.  If DH and I ever host another event to which you are invited, please discourage anyone else from inviting themselves."
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 14, 2006, 04:40:26 PM
I think your advice to not answer it will be better, plus does it look like she is just looking for more drama?

She's already put herself in a bad position where if someone asks why the party was cancel, the fact someone SHE knew was uninvited wouldn't make sense so she's basically in a hole that she can't recover from gracefully from the way the email appeared.

At this point, I'm SO afraid to talk to her, and definetely to contemplate answering any emails from her since it seems all she wants now at this point is continue attention.

It's basically lay low.

I'm even afraid if I try to reply with point 2, she's going to show up at our house irregardless...as to if she's ever shown behaviour like this before...uhm...nope which is why we are in a state of emotional distress.

There isn't even going to be anything this weekend and she is still asking if my husband and I are going to do a little office thingy!! What the!!

This is the guest from hell.

Even after a party has been cancelled and at this point I'm trying to avoid her, she isn't stopping.

Is there anything in the etiquette books that covers this?





Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: sammycat on December 14, 2006, 05:12:53 PM
Sue is a complete and utter NUT JOB! She is the one to have made all the mistakes, yet she is trying, subtly, to put the blame onto you.  She is also obviously someone who thrives on (high school level) drama, as evidenced by the continual emails and phone calls.  She needs to grow up.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 14, 2006, 05:51:17 PM
I'm just going to completely ignore her email, and have my husband answer the phone.

She has no clue whatsoever of reality and from the gist of the email, is sounding like it was her party and that I did HER a favor canceling OUR party!! What the!!

In all best interests and I'm wondering more...This is beyond pure questions of etiquette. As mention, I'm sending her emails to junk/ignoring them and having my husband answer the phone...

For someone to be so adament to try and cover up for someone I don't even know....something is going on and I don't want to be involved.

Sue has changed it from Joan hearing it from Sue to now Joan heard it from another person and now it seems like even hubby maybe have come (apparently Joan forgot to tell her)..

When stories don't collaborate with each other...I have too strong a feeling that both Joan and Sue are lying.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: sammycat on December 14, 2006, 06:00:04 PM

When stories don't collaborate with each other...I have too strong a feeling that both Joan and Sue are lying.
[/quote]

You could be onto something there.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: VorFemme on December 14, 2006, 06:06:32 PM

Do you think at this point I should tell her any other email transactions will be consider as harassment?

If this is someone you want to keep in touch with - tell her that you "just can't talk about it right now".  Heck - it might be YEARS before you recover from the trauma enough to talk about it socially.  Just keep letting us know - we'll call ourselves your guidance counsel or some such thing........

If she won't leave the subject alone, you might need to drop her entirely - at least for a few weeks..........say, until Easter.  Or May Day.......or.....
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 14, 2006, 06:07:35 PM

When stories don't collaborate with each other...I have too strong a feeling that both Joan and Sue are lying.

You could be onto something there.
[/quote]

Forgive me for extending this out...but my husband and I are really just baffled by their behaviour...Never have we had anyone extend something out like this, much less make such a big deal....and now this email...

This is beyond BAD etiquette now.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 14, 2006, 06:09:52 PM
this is Un. Freaking. Believable!!!!!

You're right...and you hit it about the phone calls and emails...guess what me and my husband have been receiving all day today now...The "nutcase" is getting someone else to sending me emails and I'm fixing to send her an email telling her to stop.

she has other, uninvolved people, sending you e-mails?  this burns my biscuits!  i would send a polite e-mail, ccing the nutcase, asking her to stop sending you e-mails, as the situation is over and done with.  if this other party sends you any further e-mail, report it to your e-mail provider as spam and let the chips fall as they may.

She wrote now:

Long time no see. I felt like I ought to say "Hi." Things got a little awkward a few days ago, and I'm sort of glad you cancelled the party since it put me in such a bad position with Joan.  She had heard about the party from (now she is saying someone else), and she seemed really excited about going to a family thing with her kids (and hubby?)  
 
I hadn't told her she couldn't come yet when she called and told me that she had been removed from the Evite. I was a little shocked since I didn't know she had been Evited already. That doesn't really seem like a good way to keep friends, especially when she's good friends with so many of us.
 
I'm not mad at you, and I hope you aren't upset with me, but I afraid that there might be a little tension for you and Joan (which isn't that bad since your paths don't cross that much.) I hope in time you guys can patch it up. This isn't a Mom's Group thing, so don't feel shy about the group. Noone knows what happened except those involved. We could probably keep it on the DL and not make it into a big deal.
 
How are you and your husband ? Still going to have a little office shindig, at least?


what a totally load of bull huncky.  i feel like i need a shovel to save my shoes just reading what you pasted!  you don't even know Joan, don't want to, why would you patch things up?  Sue is obviously smoking something that isn't totally legal.

Seriously, I feel like our party maybe a cover for something else and that I really feel that her and Joan were planning to use us as an alibi and now that's blown.

Do you think at this point I should tell her any other email transactions will be consider as harassment?


I would tell her to cease and desist e-mails and phone calls, else i would report her mails as spam and the phone calls as harrassment.  but that's just me.  also support other suggestions to direct all e-mails straight to the trash folder.   we're going to support YOU in whatever you decide to do to cope with this.  and feel free to vent to me at any time, either here or in PM.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 14, 2006, 06:11:10 PM
Quote
If this is someone you want to keep in touch with - tell her that you "just can't talk about it right now".  Heck - it might be YEARS before you recover from the trauma enough to talk about it socially.  Just keep letting us know - we'll call ourselves your guidance counsel or some such thing........

If she won't leave the subject alone, you might need to drop her entirely - at least for a few weeks..........say, until Easter.  Or May Day.......or.....

This is someone that at this point I don't want to keep in touch...this last email is beyond bad etiquette and really does worry me...Forgive me for extending this thread since original posting what happen, but this is just beyond being a bad guest...My husband and I are truly baffled now...why obsess if we are having another party...after just having to cancel one!! Why thank us for canceling a party that had nothing to do with them...something is just not fitting right...

I just never ever dealt with anyone like this...thanking me for canceling my own party...acting like I was Joan's best friend...something is just not right...I'm thinking dropping her till 3012 and even then I'll still be running...

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 14, 2006, 06:13:03 PM
Forgive me for extending this out...but my husband and I are really just baffled by their behaviour...Never have we had anyone extend something out like this, much less make such a big deal....and now this email...

This is beyond BAD etiquette now.


YOU aren't extending this out, she is, so please don't apologize to us.  and you're right.  it's past bad etiquette and well into harrassment, sliding towards stalking.  i'm sending good thoughts to you.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 14, 2006, 06:15:39 PM
I think the best advice I've received is

1. Don't answer any emails-that's just going to encourage her

2. Husband has phone duty-She wants to drag this out for life only knows what and me answering it is encouraging to her

3. Anymore email and I'm going to start reporting as spam...she's up to something and no one in their right mind persists particularly about a long dead party much less if we are having one so soon; This email isn't an apology, it isn't about making things up...

4. Something is fishy. Why does she want me to know Joan so bad?

5. For what happen..she's not mad??!! and she wants to get together again for a playgroup...I don't trust her.

6. Email to the trash can...email to the trash can...wish there was someway I can make it look like my email was no longer working...seriously


Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Curly Wurly Doggie Breath on December 14, 2006, 11:33:32 PM

4. Something is fishy. Why does she want me to know Joan so bad?


*******************************************************************

Joan has the hots for either You or your Husband ???    ::)

Seriously tho, I wouldn't spend the night at home, I would make sure I'm NOT at home, and the police have a heads up about possible trouble.
Do you really think at this stage of the game, they won't show up anyway ???

<<HUGS>> I am so sorry you are going though this.

Dragons8
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Moogle on December 14, 2006, 11:39:46 PM

*******************************************************************

Joan has the hots for either You or your Husband ???    ::)


That thought has crossed my mind when Sue insisted on you getting to know Joan better.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 14, 2006, 11:53:33 PM
Same here; My husband snuck a peek (he's so nosy and also getting worried) at one of the emails that landed (still getting them since I last posted here) in the junk mail and I had received:

How would Joan have known it was a closed party? Apparently, no one realized it was. I didn't. There were others invited. Perhaps it was assumed that because you don't know her, you didn't think to include her, but maybe wouldn't mind including her.

*Jaw dropping*

What the....

My husband looked up Emily Post to make sure that we all weren't missing something and found this:
Source: http://emilypost.com/etiquette/special/RudenessAlertTheImpactofUnivitedGuests.htm

and I quote "Almost as rude as the people who show up with uninvited guests are those who try to bully the hosts into making exceptions..." and from another part of the paragraph "Invitations are addressed only to those who are invited. If the invitation says “Ms. Mary Smith,” only Mary is invited. If the invitation says “Ms. Mary Smith and Guest,” then Mary may bring a guest of her choosing. "

With the persistance that Sue is pushing about Joan...I'm really worry that Joan is itching for my husband or *gulp* me....

How else do we explain this bizarre behaviour?

This is a major major first...I've never had a guest or friend persist like this...

I ask you...if someone tells you the party is canceled or something, heavens forbid, happens...wouldn't you just drop the subject and move on...

Am I worry about them showing up this weekend?? Yes...I'm nervous..At this rate...I dont' know if they are going to go that far....and why??

This is just....bizarre....you would think they would move on...and given how "upset they are at me"....leave me alone...Which makes me wonder too...why aren't their husbands doing something about this?

You would think they will say...oh well tendereyes is a no good friend if you feel that way, drop her...

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Curly Wurly Doggie Breath on December 15, 2006, 12:51:58 AM
Get a 'Friend' to send the post from Emily Etiquette.

I still wouldn't be at home this week-end, when the party was supposed to be on. Or the times before and after.

Keep safe, be safe. Keep your mobile phone handy, for 911, in  case.

Dragons8
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Reika on December 15, 2006, 12:59:19 AM
This is just....bizarre....you would think they would move on...and given how "upset they are at me"....leave me alone...Which makes me wonder too...why aren't their husbands doing something about this?

Maybe the hubbies in question aren't aware of the situation?

*hugs* Either way, much good luck and I agree with everyone else, trying and do something away from the house. Maybe let the neighbors and/or police know that there might be a situation.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 15, 2006, 05:24:41 AM


Joan has the hots for either You or your Husband ???    ::)

Seriously tho, I wouldn't spend the night at home, I would make sure I'm NOT at home, and the police have a heads up about possible trouble.
Do you really think at this stage of the game, they won't show up anyway ???

<<HUGS>> I am so sorry you are going though this.

Dragons8

oh thank the gods that someone ELSE had this thought....i pm'd it to tendereyes last night, but didn't want to put it on the open forum and seem like a sewer brain!  the whole thing is just really odd! 
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 15, 2006, 05:31:15 AM
Get a 'Friend' to send the post from Emily Etiquette.
I still wouldn't be at home this week-end, when the party was supposed to be on. Or the times before and after.

Keep safe, be safe. Keep your mobile phone handy, for 911, in  case.

Dragons8


make it someone from here, we'll be glad to help.  pick me, pick me!!!!!!   ;D
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 15, 2006, 07:49:26 AM
LOL..*HUGS*...Love the ideas...

Given there's no party and pretty much no relationship...I was curious, if they do show up...and my husband asked them to leave and not enter, can we technically call the police on trespassing?

They would (and this is where we really don't know and it bothers us) have to be really stupid at this stage to just show up and someone's house...and by now...I think I have (I hope) enough basis to lose tact and just not be friendly.

What's sad. This went from being a party to having to be canceled and now I have to be uncomfortable in my own home with concern they are going to show up in the first place.

Do I regret not being more insightful in the beginning...Yes...It's like a catch-22...who would expect behaviour like this in the first place? We're not in high school anymore, it's just bizarre behaviour and I can't imagine if my husband and I ever did this...

Then again...I keep wondering...where are the husbands in all this and considering the situation and they do show up...at the same time...if they did...this risks their husbands finding out in a bad way, their wives behavior...

That's another this is all just too weird...Sue's husband (we've met him so we know what he looks like and sounds like..lol), hasn't called since then...so if he's in the dark, providing on the NORMAL assumption he's in the dark...there's more risk here than anything, right? I hope, I pray...at this rate something normal and expected...

They have completely just overstep the boundries of respect. No offense and once again my apologies to all, that it's led me to even having to post this in a quest to find a "Normal" rationalization to their behaviour.

Have I spoken to Sue by phone you may wonder, No I haven't...and yet even despite not responding to any emails, it keeps coming...so this persistance just has me thrown out of whack...and this is what's become a problem now of "uninviting" and then "canceling the party".

Partially it's made me glad not to be involved with these people anymore..they just don't seem to take no for an answer, but I hope this is at least a good cautionary tale of the importance of dealing with inviting people.

I wish now I had said no but given how they are acting now....I have a feeling "no" would not have made a difference.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: graceh9 on December 15, 2006, 07:52:20 AM

When stories don't collaborate with each other...I have too strong a feeling that both Joan and Sue are lying.

You could be onto something there.

Forgive me for extending this out...but my husband and I are really just baffled by their behaviour...Never have we had anyone extend something out like this, much less make such a big deal....and now this email...

This is beyond BAD etiquette now.


[/quote]

very weird behavior.  you and your husband should resolutely have nothing to say about this to her.  as you plan -- ignore all emails and refuse to discuss it if she calls as in 'we are not discussing this'
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: ShadesOfGrey on December 15, 2006, 08:14:56 AM
have you tol her to stop contacting you? I would definitely recommend a "I am through speaking about this subject, please stop contacting me about it.  In fact, please stop contacting me at all."  Then I would continue with non-response to her emails and phone calls.  In this case, if there is an issue later, you can say, in no uncertain terms, that you told her to stop contacting you (and she continued). From the beginning of this post, it sounded like a friend miscommunication and some very inconsiderate actions.  Now she sounds unhinged.  I hope nothing more comes of this for you. 

and have you husband say th same if she catches him on the phone
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 15, 2006, 08:32:40 AM
we have asked them to leave us alone...which is why we were (however nosy hubby was but I think he's worried maybe they would right something that we would "need to be aware" of if they plan on something) not answering the emails or phone calls...They sent me 5 emails yesterday...we received two more today and it's basically them trying to argue and convince us that we were wrong (trying to use the evite issue of us univiting) to justify their side...as my husband was saying...they seem on a quest to make me have cupability for a perceived wrong now....

It's like they won't stop or be happy till they get what they want which is basically a party and me saying I'm in the wrong.

He said it bothered him too that they are saying "no hard feelings" but this isn't a way to make "good friends" and that they still want to get together and I'm still "part of the group".

We're both basically what were they hiding?

And it seems that the most logical situation is that our party was going to be Joan's alibi for an illicit affair (possible try to hit on my husband) and yes...there is an unnatural interest in me.

Maybe to try and justify their own guilt feelings?? Dh felt they won't be sated until we resume the party and they get what they want from it, and is hoping after the weekend comes and go and they dont' get their party and their way...they will just go away for good...

I wanted to trash the emails but he has started to copy and paste them into microsoft word so in the event they do show up...if Sue's husband is not aware...he soon will be.

He went..funny...we sent an invitation to someone he knew at work and he (husband) didn't get the same response like from my side and just really felt that this has triggered Sue's true colors and I'm finding out the hard way, what she is really like.

The couples who did cancel have told me...they are staying away from Sue considering her behaviour toward me and will advise others too, and don't have an issue telling her how they feel and what they think.

I finally broke down this morning when one of the wife called me and see what we would be up to and she's offered for her and her husband to come over tomorrow to "keep watch" so to speak with us.

This is just getting out of hand...I can see teenagers doing this...but everyone is in their mid-thirties...Hopefully I can be a cautionary tale...people these days...you really don't know who you are dealing with and Sue is a well-educated with a college degree and is an individual who lives in a very very nice suburbs. From what I understand, she and all involved are people you would see at playgroups, the local favorite gatherings for parents to go to...they drive fairly expensive vehicles...not expensive like lexus or bmw's but they are still comfortably well off...so this is yes...disturbing...

Ugh...this is giving me a headache...even "white trash" knows when to drop the subject and at least have the sense to just snub rather than persist.



That's just disturbing..

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Curly Wurly Doggie Breath on December 15, 2006, 08:35:40 AM
My understanding is that you can call the police and charge them with trespass, Once you have told them to leave, and they remain.

Dragons8
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: ShadesOfGrey on December 15, 2006, 08:43:30 AM
make sure he keeps the time stamp to the emails with it (even better to keep the actual email).  I guess there is nothing more you can do.  A fire cant spread if it has no oxygen, so simply dont talk about it. to anyone. It's over, and the only way it wont be a big deal to you is if you dont talk about it.  She may still email/call, but it will be a minor inconvenience if you ave moved on (unless it's harrassment, then involve police).  If nobody else is talking about it either, then she wont have any fuel and it wont be the center of your day.... 

I hope you have a great, relaxing weekend.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Curly Wurly Doggie Breath on December 15, 2006, 08:43:53 AM
Tendereyes please keep copies of these emails for the police/lawyer too

A TRO [temporary restraining order] may be necessary.
But
I sure hope not

Dragons8
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Ehelldame on December 15, 2006, 08:48:33 AM
ROFL...Thank you for giving us something to laugh about...ooo...I could hug and kiss all of your evil twins for those merry ideas!! LOL

My evil twin was thinking since apparently the e-vite plus the fact Sue knew what was going on regarding the party for a month wasn't enough, that maybe next time, to help clarify things for her and all connected to her, I should have taken out a full page ad in the newspaper, buy some radio time AND do a guest spot on Oprah so she can understand that only she, her husband and her children were invited.

I'm going to write something which may appear to be harsh but given the fact that I have done several media interviews this holiday season on this exact same topic, I'll tell you what I just told the Orlando Sentinel reporter two days ago.

1.  Politeness and consideration are not euphamisms for "doormat".
2.  Regardless of what the other person (guests, in this case) did,  almost all such situations could have been completely nipped in the bud if someone (namely the hostess) had a backbone.
3.  Having a backbone doesn't make a person rude.  Repeat after me,  "I'm sorry, I cannot accomodate that request," in a pleasant but firm tone of voice. 
4.  Screaming, yelling, angry retaliation is rude. 

At the very first when Sue proposed the idea of inviting Joan, you should have told Sue,  "I'm sorry, I cannot accomodate her.  You'll have to contact her and explain it to her yourself."   If Sue pitched a fit and threatened to not come, you calmly reply,  "I'm very sorry to hear that.  You'll be missed." 

You are the master of your domain, your home, your party.  Your rules rule and uninvited/obnoxious guests can drool. 
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 15, 2006, 09:48:10 AM
ROFL...Thank you for giving us something to laugh about...ooo...I could hug and kiss all of your evil twins for those merry ideas!! LOL

My evil twin was thinking since apparently the e-vite plus the fact Sue knew what was going on regarding the party for a month wasn't enough, that maybe next time, to help clarify things for her and all connected to her, I should have taken out a full page ad in the newspaper, buy some radio time AND do a guest spot on Oprah so she can understand that only she, her husband and her children were invited.

I'm going to write something which may appear to be harsh but given the fact that I have done several media interviews this holiday season on this exact same topic, I'll tell you what I just told the Orlando Sentinel reporter two days ago.

1.  Politeness and consideration are not euphamisms for "doormat".
2.  Regardless of what the other person (guests, in this case) did,  almost all such situations could have been completely nipped in the bud if someone (namely the hostess) had a backbone.
3.  Having a backbone doesn't make a person rude.  Repeat after me,  "I'm sorry, I cannot accomodate that request," in a pleasant but firm tone of voice. 
4.  Screaming, yelling, angry retaliation is rude. 

At the very first when Sue proposed the idea of inviting Joan, you should have told Sue,  "I'm sorry, I cannot accomodate her.  You'll have to contact her and explain it to her yourself."   If Sue pitched a fit and threatened to not come, you calmly reply,  "I'm very sorry to hear that.  You'll be missed." 

You are the master of your domain, your home, your party.  Your rules rule and uninvited/obnoxious guests can drool. 

Not the least bit harsh at all; Lol..don't worry..no screaming or yelling done on this part from us.

DH received this and we're hoping this means someone is realizing Sue has gone to far and this is something that is to be dropped for good:

You're totally off, Tendereyes. You're making some really broad assumptions based on some statements that were made to try to help you see things from another point of view. You are choosing to stay p--- off.

As with so many other situations, I am now walking away from the drama. I see your point of view, but I also see the other side and I'm not going to feed into your anger.

Hope you have a happy holiday.

Name withheld of individual that Sue decided could email me to  bring me around


I think Sue is hurting herself more at this point, and someone whether they are admitting it or not is realizing they are being involved in something that is going to far; At this point I wonder what this individual was being told or let to believe and now finding themselves caught in something they don't want to be involved with and it's also telling me that Sue was more of a bully than we knew of.

What's sad is that it's basically just my husband and I and we're seeing Sue enlist others to "enlighten me".

You're right I should have had a backbone, but I also made the mistake of making the assumption Sue would have understood or the least bit...be angry that we did the cancellation but drop the matter, mumble angry words about us, but moved on and just went on with her life.

The uninvite was uncalled for, but no one deserves to have to go through this and I hope no one ever does.

Should I not have been pressured initially and have a "backbone"..yes I should have, but does it justify what Sue does...no it doesn't.

She blindsided me with this iand initially and unfortunately I didn't have a backbone at the time, but I also had assume I was dealing with a socialized human being...not someone who would reach the point I now worry they may decide to just "show up" this weekend.

However from what we are gathering and from the fact it's been an unbelievable two days and she, this Joan and now today another, can't let it go...I really haven't lost any friends.

I think I was involved in people who were planning more than they revealed they were planning...we notice in Sue's email to us...it appears that now the husband may not have come with Joan (they can't seem to make up his mind if he would or not), and that this might have been a lot more worse than a social faux paus.

I think they got caught and now were trying to find a way to get out of it...its funny that despite everything...no one would stop and think of what initially would have helped the situation and yet email after email has tried to not only justify Joan coming but force me to get to know Joan.

It has taught me to be even more careful whom I associate with, since appearances are deceiving and it's also taught me that there are people who lack the etiquette,understanding and social skills to understand that their entire world is not invited as well..

In the meantime, we have a weekend that we are hoping and praying will be quiet and uneventful and are now having to "keep our guards up so to speak"....why? because one person is taking an etiquette faux paus to the extreme and might have possible caused physical problems had this party continued...

Will I ever forget this?? No..has this made us skittish...OH YES!
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 15, 2006, 09:51:55 AM
And Ehelldame...no offense please, but the post you quoted was menat as an attempt as a jest; Right now there is little to laugh about and it's the holidays...and if I can't try to find someway to laugh about this situation...this weekend and situation will have manage to ruin MY family's holiday...

I understand you mean well...but at this point, my DH and I are dealing with people who care little for anyone other than themselves...I don't think anything I said or done would have matter to them.

Even the fact that Sue still can't take the hint to stop emailing me despite the fact that we are not responding to her verbally or by the written word says it all.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: liz5037 on December 15, 2006, 10:30:25 AM
I'm wondering if she actually does have a third party e-mailing you, or if Sue herself has access to someone else's account, or made an account in someone else's name.

Good luck.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Curly Wurly Doggie Breath on December 15, 2006, 10:32:04 AM
Given how much the Joan wants to meet, greet and be best buddies with you.. I seriously doubt that saying NO in the beginning would have stooped this mess anyway.

They would simply be carrying on about you saying NO to inviting Friend of Friend 'Joan'

Be safe this week-end, we're thinking of you.

Dragons8
Title: Email to be sent to hopefully and effectively end the emails and this post..LOL
Post by: tendereyes on December 15, 2006, 10:41:45 AM
Didn't mean to do the lighthearted subject header however DH did come up with a serious email to be sent out to all involve, real or not:

To all Whom is concern,

Effective today, we ask that you cease and desist with all forms of communication, including and not limited to ground delivery, phone calls, text messaging, myspace, chat programs and word of mouth.This includes involving third parties, visual contact, and etc.

There will be no party this weekend nor plans for another one. We ask to be left alone, this weekend, so we may have a quiet weekend with our family, and this is not limited to just family, but also our residence. Do not attempt to physically or by any other method interfere.

Any form of communications as defined as "any methods of delivering information to us", will be consider as spam and harassment, a copy will be made for future reference and not limited by time, and given to the proper authorities, not limiting to internet servers or legal methods.

This includes third parties, and method of third party communication as we are not interested who knows you or not and are asking and requesting to be left alone, this weekend and beyond.

This incident has exceeded normal boundries of social and etiquette understanding and will  be treated as both harassment and intentional desire to cause harm, be it verbal, emotional or physical.

Failure to follow this request to cease and desist and that includes sending any form of response to this email will be consider a violation. This is your only and final email from us.

The Tendereyes (not our real name).
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Curly Wurly Doggie Breath on December 15, 2006, 10:21:47 PM
Sounds Good :)

Good luck and have a great week-end.
Draagons8
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: gjcva1 on December 16, 2006, 08:37:41 PM
wonderful reply from the "tendereye" family.  now please do come back and assure us that your weekend went well, and no one who was not invited showed up at your abode.

and fie on anyone who sorta kinda hoped that you would get a response to that execellent e-mail.....evil twin, that means YOU (stuffing mine back into her box!!!!!)   ;D
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Lynda_34 on December 16, 2006, 11:33:03 PM
and the hits just keep on coming!  are you sure you want to drop these people from your circle of friends?  just THINK of how many stories you could post about them here!!!!  8)
that is voyeuristic on our part, but I'm sorry, I'm with you. (pod) as it may be. However, it is going to be a long winter and they may make good entertainment for us cold shivery folk.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 17, 2006, 04:28:51 PM
Lol..No no..no more stories..and if you want more stories...any of you who love "Desperate Housewives" and drama can be friends with them...

*Hugs* thank you again to many of you for your helpful advice, giving me a place to vent and confirm it wasn't all in my head and just finding a way out (not to mention strength)...

It was a thankfully quiet evening last night...no events....a couple came over with their children and we ate and sat around a talked and visit and they kept us company....Our kids played till they fell asleep and thankfully all went well.

I think the email scared all those getting involved including Sue (if there was including or just Sue) involved and showed them we werent' playing and how much we regretted that by lacking the backbone to say "no" all this happen, however, to be honest...at the same time, it's hard to say that going by common etiquette I should have continue with plans given how things went in retrospect...

I strongly feel I spared my home and family a possible bigger problem then just etiquette.

Joan has now joined the "playgroup" email listing and I was shocked and yet almost not surprised to see her name suddenly listed on the playgroup I'm in, and since Saturday , she has been posting about being "alone and soon to be divorced" and "missing her kids" and "splitting time with them and her soon defunct husband" on top of the fact that she is telling all the moms now that she is "single" and that her and her husband are not reconciling (imagine that) and how they are splitting up visitation time with the kids...a big jump from Sue calling me and then the later reply that Joan was "attending the party with her husband"..then Sue's later email indicating "her husband was not showing up"...Uhm..okay and how many of us here, if we were going to reconciled with our love one would do something like that..

All the evidence is showing that there was something deeper being planned and obviously involving our family; So I'm basically going to be quietly removing myself from the playgroup now that Sue has involved Joan as well and putting GOOD distance away.

I feel for the moms who are falling for Joan and Sue's "Joan is a lonely soon to be divorce" woman routine but at this point, it's not my place to say anything since it would not only make me look like the lesser person, but also given in lights of events, a spiteful person.

It is a very scary thing to see happening though. I feel like I can't trust anyone and these are people that are being met "face to face" and not over a medium like the Internet.

I've kept all the emails and thinking of burning them on a CD for personal protection if anything. If any of the moms ever contact me if another "incident' arises, at least I can have something substantial to explain why I've left the playgroup too...

It reinforces the guidelines set in the email and even if our paths don't cross; Being in the same playgroup and allowing our children contact is irresponsible.

At least I can gratefully tell everyone that the weekend has gone by very quiet and there is a "The End" to this nightmare we've gone through these past few days.


Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Curly Wurly Doggie Breath on December 17, 2006, 04:42:24 PM
whew, I for one am glad it was an uneventful week-end.

Yes a new playgroup sounds good and a heck of a lot safer than staying at the old one.

You are wise to say nothing of the problems of late, although if someone asks directly, answer honestly.

Dragons8
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: sammycat on December 17, 2006, 05:05:48 PM
I'm glad the weekend was uneventful and that hopefully your husband's email seems to have done the trick in terms of cutting down on the harassment you were receiving.  Great idea to have a hard copy of everything just in case.

Re. the playgroup. Sad to say, I think it will eventually fall apart anyway once Joan gets involved.  I'm not sure how many parents there are in the playgroup but I envisage sides being taken. Some of them will fall for Joan's hard luck story and will, at first, be happy to be with her - until they realise what a fruitcake/husband stealer she is. The other members of the group meanwhile will have seen straight through her and this will cause a rift between the 2 'sides'.  Eventually though 99% of them will see through her; it might take a while but it Will happen.

If I might make a suggestion, now might be the time to start quietly cultivating friendships with a few of the mums in the group and either quietly drifting away from the main part of the group, or if you'd rather just put them all behind you, suddenly find that you are busy on the days the groups normally meets up.  Good luck!
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Twik on December 17, 2006, 06:43:23 PM
Her "soon defunct husband"?  :o I hope things don't get TOO dramatic....
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: willow08 on December 21, 2006, 01:55:41 PM
What do you think was being planned for your family? That Joan would spot your husband across a corwded room and suddenly hear "Strangers in the Night" playing in their heads?


( I admit this whole thing is sort of creepy, I'm just interested in what you think the grand scheme was.)
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 21, 2006, 02:14:52 PM
What do you think was being planned for your family? That Joan would spot your husband across a corwded room and suddenly hear "Strangers in the Night" playing in their heads?


( I admit this whole thing is sort of creepy, I'm just interested in what you think the grand scheme was.)

LOL..surprised to see this thread had another post..

Willow, to be honest..I have no idea exactly but from the scheme of things it just looked too fishy toward the end. Joan's husband whom she supposedly reconciled kept coming in and out of the picture. First she was alone, then she emails they had reconciled and she had plan to use this "family fun time" to be with him (i didn't realize that I was planning an event FOR THEM), and from Sue's own lips, the husband wasn't going to be there and when Joan joined the playgroup, not only did she not mention a husband, but that she was "lonely and divorcing" and that she was getting the kids for only one day and he was getting them for another and that he was a jerk, blah blah blah and one of the moms talked about how Sue is ironically talking on the thread to organize a party for just the moms and was talking about it and if I heard about it.

I just smiled and went...hopefully things go great for her, yes I heard about it...it's being sent through the entire group and I can read the thread and I was laughing with my DH at the level of maturity that wasn't showing since Sue used evite this time, invited everyone but me and then posted to everyone to post whether they get their invitation and if they are coming...*shakes head*

All this and considering she was telling all the other moms how "ms. high and mighty I was and that apparently she didn't fit in my "perfect" world and morals".

Yes I'm still waiting for her to insult me.

I think what happen is that Sue was aware of Joan needing an alibi, was going to drag us into her little melo-dramatic world and it crashed when we went..we're just canceling...

Do I think she would have hit on my husband? Maybe. She already hit on another husband and after leaving her own kids and husband for one of many others...I don't think this is a woman who knows the word "no" or limits.

Grand scheme of things. I was dealing with not only one immoral person, but two and both lack class and etiquette and now think they can act like teenagers in high school and hold their breath and "try to hurt me" not caring that I have a life and family and well..more important things then melo-dramas.

It was sad to see that there are adult women who make the choice of getting married and having children and yet try to be party girls still.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: sammycat on December 21, 2006, 04:13:27 PM
Sue used evite this time, invited everyone but me and then posted to everyone to post whether they get their invitation and if they are coming...*shakes head*

Sue sounds less mature than the children who are in the playgroup and she's doing her inviting in a very public way just to rub it in your face.  It's hard to lose a friend but in this case you may have had a lucky escape  Do you know if any or many people from the playgroup are going to Sue's party?  Are they all aware of what went on?  If anybody says anything about your cancelling your party because "Sue said..." I always find a good comeback is to say that there are 2 sides to every story.  Gets the point across that Sue's point of view may not necessarily be accurate and yet you're not giving anything away either.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on December 21, 2006, 04:39:35 PM
I think from the responses, quite a few are going; Sue publicly said they were going to a "club style" restuaraunt" and going from there and it's "women" only, no husbands or kids allowed.
 
She might be trying to rub it in my face, but you know what, it really shows who the better person is because I haven't said anything about what happen and I'm sure Sue was quick to tell everyone what happen.

No one has said anything "publicly" about what happen and only one did ask and I told her both sides the best I could and I was asked...well did you apologize to her?

Oh well...let her put the foot to her own mouth.

I feel like I lost a playgroup but that's about it because I feel like I'm dealing more with teenagers then adults and it's a problem if I have to start explaining myself in invitations.

With my DH's position, etiquette is a complete make or break (will be posting in later threads so I can check my own etiquette because of an invitation he received that is very formal and I want to make sure I can act like a civilized adult and not like a baboon...lol).

In reference to point, DH and I have been invited to a company function requiring formal dress and familiarity with silverware, etc. It really goes to show that there are still people out there who practice etiquette and one never knows when the situation may arise..

I still find it funny that her worse insult to me is that I'm "Ms. High and Mighty," and that she "felt she wasn't perfect enough to live in my perfect world."

For me that says that my family was right growing up, that it's important to watch the company you keep because others will judge you by that...what was supposed to be a simple affair got blown out of proportion because two people felt that couldn't live by social etiquette.

It's beyond High Schoolish...calling her the weekend after the faux paus to explain the situation and I believe I had posted it here as well, I apologized for the invitation and what transpire because I was more worry about offending her feelings, but a phone call wasn't enough....when people demand more, that tells one that they are beyond logic (short of saying she is a complete nut case) and understanding...

I think she likes having "like company" to help her feel justify in doing what she is doing.

What's funny is she probrably finds my "silence" infuriating, but he who is guilty often barks the loudest eh?? Sigh.

Hoping all have a wonderful holiday season and a Merry Christmas...Lol..if I do post more in the future, I deeply promise it will be for "logical and rational" situations and more in the tune of what silverware to use, etc. versus...my friend wanted to drag me and my family into a very immoral world.






Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: blue2000 on December 21, 2006, 05:05:14 PM
Holy cow what a mess!!
(although from our point of view, a very entertaining mess, lol)

You said (I think) that Sue claims most of these parties are "open" (thus her excuse for inviting Joan), and that she has harassed you about cancelling, and asked you about going to the office party, and is now trying to set one up with the playgroup. Is that the gist of it?

It seriously sounds to me like Joan was using these parties as coverups for her affairs. If she goes alone, she can play the "lonely divorcee" card, and pick up a guy (or arrange to meet one there). And her husband can't object to her having a night out - it's just the neighbors little bash isn't it? He's not going to know she's not actually invited to all these parties. And if he decides to go... well... she can tell everyone they are trying to reconcile. If they are "broken up" again at the time of the next party, most people won't question it. And if Sue is her close friend, that means she knows all about this, and is happy to help Joan out.
When you cancelled, she may already have had plans to meet someone at your house, and you ruined it. So they tried to convince you to have the party anyway, to be "friends", to play the game, after all, Joan's husband would get suspicious if she went to parties at the same houses every weekend. You would likely have been pressured to invite Joan and Sue to every party you had.
Not to mention if Joan's husband got word of the whole thing, he might have asked her why he wasn't invited, and why people were saying Joan wasn't invited, but barged in... and on Sue's invite no less... the whole thing could have gotten very messy for Joan and Sue.

In my opinion, you need to stay well away from this train wreck - like you didn't know that already!!! ;D
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: VorFemme on December 21, 2006, 06:41:19 PM
No one has said anything "publicly" about what happen and only one did ask and I told her both sides the best I could and I was asked...well did you apologize to her?

If asked again, look the Nosy Parker in the eye and say, "I have dealt with the situation."

If you drink - go home and have a glass of wine.

If you don't drink, go home and have a cup of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. 

Turning a photo of either of them into a dart board is up to you...........

The best thing about having been first a preacher's kid and then a military member/military spouse is that I got to MOVE several times.  After a couple of moves - only the people that I am happy to maintain contact with are still in touch.

There have been a few of the leeches who try to stay in touch - but if you refuse to give them your address after a BIL gives them your unlisted phone number - it is hard for them to track you down.  Especially after DeHubby called his baby brother and told him in very clear language that "Ole Buddy" was no longer a friend of HIS.  Brother was free to maintain a friendship, if he so choose, but DeHubby did not want *his* contact info passed along to "Ole Buddy" before Phoenix, Arizona was buried under a thick layer of glacial ice.............a very thick layer.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: MineralDiva on December 22, 2006, 06:04:12 PM
Unfortunately, you DID issue this person an invitation.  Whether you were guilted into it or not.  She RSVP'd that she would be coming...making things doubly awkward, since she didn't take the hint. 

I don't see that you have much choice than to be the gracious hostess here.  The time to really say what you meant, was when the friend called to tell you that this person wanted to attend the party.  What's done is done...however it was done...this time.

But in the future, I would make it abundantly clear that the guest list is NOT open to "interpretation."  No matter how "lonely" someone else may be, or who feels sorry for them.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Minmom3 on December 23, 2006, 12:57:32 PM
Tendereyes -

Don't forget to let Sue know that you don't WANT to know Joan and her husband any better, based on Joan's past behavior.  Don't like what you've seen her do before, you don't want any part of her morals or lack thereof, and you don't want her in your home, Christmas or no Christmas! If Sue wants to have someone in her circle and in her home who feels that attempting to latch on to other women's husbands is perfectly acceptable behavior, then Sue can entertain Joan without you, but Joan isn't welcome in YOUR HOME.  Joan's behavior is offensive to you and to your friends, and there's no reason to have her around you and your friends, because you AREN'T FRIENDS, and not likely to become so.

Sue is nuts for wanting this woman around her.

ETA:
Well, now that I've finally finished the entire 9 pages of thread, I see my suggestion is beside the point, because you're 'done' with Sue and Joan both.  I'm really glad about that, because it sounds like it would only have gotten more preposterous and ugly, and wasn't the sane kind of friendship normal grownups have!
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on January 18, 2007, 08:39:48 AM
Unfortunately, you DID issue this person an invitation.  Whether you were guilted into it or not.  She RSVP'd that she would be coming...making things doubly awkward, since she didn't take the hint. 

I don't see that you have much choice than to be the gracious hostess here.  The time to really say what you meant, was when the friend called to tell you that this person wanted to attend the party.  What's done is done...however it was done...this time.

But in the future, I would make it abundantly clear that the guest list is NOT open to "interpretation."  No matter how "lonely" someone else may be, or who feels sorry for them.



Thank you and Minmom and everyone else who has continued to reply and offer very insightful advice about this trainwreck...Lol

I don't think I'm going to have any future etiquette problems of this matter...I no longer speak to Sue and Joan has joined the group and from what I was told..the two of them have gone on and invited the other moms to parties (no husbands allowed) and Joan has said nothing about being reconciled and when she has gone out, forgotten to wear her wedding ring and mention she was married...

No longer a part of that playgroup either, and one mom who has contacted me on and off has expressed "curiousity" why Sue seems to be spending less time with her family even having Joan and others over on a Sunday afternoon for "drinks and breakfast " and the mom left quickly when non-legal items were brought out and smoked...so I'm glad to be away from that...I've heard that since I've left and Joan has been on...the playgroup has "died" considerable with people not getting together like they use to and Joan and Sue posting more and more about events that are non-mom related and more party/get drunk related.

In addition, her children are not allowed at certain places now because of their excess bullying...so with hindsight...I don't think no matter what I had done, things will have worked out...even had I been the gracious host, I feel there would have been problems either way.

She's made no "public" at least of what happen....though I'm sure privately it's different.

It was the case of being friends with someone I don't feel I can even call a mom and she appeared to have a hidden addiction problem that is being manifest all the more now....This does scare me about trying to strike up friendships with other parents though and makes me wonder if anything is sacred anymore?

She was a thirtysomething year old mother that I initially met at a kid event; Clean dressed, someone you would pass in the street without thinking twice about, and that hurts there...that what I thought was a "normal" mom resulted in this mess.

All the others whom we had invited and then had to send cancellation notice did not respond in kind, and instead have been gracious and invited us to their events instead (don't worry...didn't pull a Sue on them..lol).

I feel that I was dealing with someone who was not only immature, but lack grace, common sense, judgment and from how I have heard the playgroup decline, other things that I wish I knew then and I wouldn't have invited her and her husband either...I strongly feel that I will not have to deal with anything in this proportion...as my husband puts it..."It's not normal for after a party cancellation for someone to persist we continue having it and then commence to bullying...that's a sign something is way out of the norm."







Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: ccnumber4 on January 18, 2007, 10:17:01 AM
Tendereyes:  count your blessings you are rid of her and move on to more productive relationships. 
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on January 18, 2007, 10:21:45 AM
Tendereyes:  count your blessings you are rid of her and move on to more productive relationships. 

Most definetley *Hugs* Appreciate it..*Hugs* :)
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: sammycat on January 18, 2007, 04:50:12 PM
I had a feeling once Joan became involved with the playgroup that it would start to fall apart.  You are well rid of Sue if she is now involved in drugs.  My guess is that they were going to bring these drugs to your party.  Definitely had a lucky escape there!
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: Twik on January 18, 2007, 05:55:05 PM
Sorry to drift a bit off topic, but "drinks and breakfast"?? In the afternoon? Even a pot party sounds tame compared to that!
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: tendereyes on January 18, 2007, 06:01:42 PM
Sorry to drift a bit off topic, but "drinks and breakfast"?? In the afternoon? Even a pot party sounds tame compared to that!

The other mom showed me the posts and it's just really nothing to what I saw when I was in the group originally.

She's asked me if sue's approached me about this and that and it's taken a lot to get my jaw off the ground and what's interesting is that this has started to happen since Joan's join the group.

Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: caranfin on January 19, 2007, 12:21:51 PM
I love this story (because it didn't involve me  ;D). I had to register just to reply.

Everything Sue did reveals that she *knew* it was wrong of her to issue the invitation. First, her first sheepish admission where she cajoled you into "being a good sport" - why would she phrase it that way, if inviting guests to someone else's party were the norm? It would be like saying "Come on, be a good sport and let me use your bathroom while I'm at your party." If it's understood and universally accepted, one doesn't have to be a "good sport" about it. (Also, unless you happen to live in a bar, I believe it's understood and universally accepted that any gathering is private unless the host specifies otherwise. But I'm preaching to the choir here.) Then, her insistence that you "keep this on the DL" (what is she, 12?), which again, she would never do if she believed *you* were the one behaving poorly. And finally, her childish swing the other way, where she goes overboard in insisting how wrong you are! How very, very, wrong! Methinks the lady doth protest too much, don't you?

Anyway, great soap opera, glad you're rid of the both of them.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: BabyJane on January 20, 2007, 11:54:16 AM
At this point i think you need to 'just grin and bear it'.
Title: Follow-Up-VERY interesting
Post by: tendereyes on March 13, 2007, 07:50:28 PM
I found out some interesting information today...I recently started up a new playgroup and it's going great...9 members since Friday which is a fast start...2 of the members are original moms and they had drifted over and today I was at a playdate with one of them and they gave me some "interesting news"...

Basically...they were familiar with Sue and turns out Sue has been kicked out of a prior club before due to "political issues" as she put it...and this member "Sally" told me how Sue and Joan ganged up on her when they heard she was going to go back to work....

Joan told Sally, that she )Sally) was a "bad mother" for abandoning her husband and kids to go back to work and that she (Joan) would NEVER do a horrible thing like that....and needless to say...this destroyed Sally, making her think she was a horrible person (her not Joan), until it came around FAST on the grapevine what Joan had done (moving out and leaving her husband and kids behind to live in downtown to go partying)..Then in another incident...Sue announced a playdate for everyone to meet...and when Sally went to arrive...Sue AND Joan had cancelled the event at the last minute and didn't bother to notify anyone...

Sally went on to tell me that people are leaving the group and were upset at Sue and Joan and until she (Sally) had talked to me and found out what had happen and why I was no longer dealing with Sue, she (Sally) had thought she was the only one and had felt terrible till then...

But she reassured me that I wasn't the first...they did it to her and Sue was kicked out, not removed or asked to leave, but kicked out of the other group.
Title: Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
Post by: sammycat on March 13, 2007, 08:30:38 PM
Seems as though Sue and Joan were made for each other. ::)

The fact that they think a mum working outside of the home is not okay but that leaving your husband and children so that you (general you) can go partying, and who knows whatever else, is okay, just goes to show how screwed up Joan and Sue are.

I'm glad your new playgroup is going well.