Etiquette Hell

Etiquette School is in session! => The Ehell Guide to Never Behaving Badly => Topic started by: Lisbeth on March 01, 2009, 03:12:58 PM

Title: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Lisbeth on March 01, 2009, 03:12:58 PM
1.  Never assume that a woman who appears to be pregnant is.  Even if she is, she may not want to talk about it.  Take your cues from her.

2.  Never touch a pregnant woman's belly or any other part of her without her explicit permission.  Her mere existence and public appearance does not constitute "explicit permission."

3.  Do not call a pregnant woman whom you do not know by a maternal name, like "mama."  If you do know the woman but she is not your mother, take your cues from her.

4.  It is a kindness to offer a pregnant woman a seat, a parking space, to hold a door, to carry things for her, and so on, but if she declines your offer politely, accept that graciously.

5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

6.  It is not tactful to bring up miscarriages, abortions, birth defects or deformities, or graphic medical discussions of pregnancy or childbirth in the presence of a pregnant woman.  Nor should they be discussed at a dinner.

7.  If a pregnant woman does not tell you of the birth, do not ask about it.  What happened may be too painful a subject for her and also may not be your business.

8.  Avoid smoking in the presence of a pregnant woman.  For pregnant women:  While it is advisable that you avoid smoking and designated smoking areas, if you are in one, it is not acceptable to demand that those around you refrain from smoking.

9.   If you are not the pregnant woman's doctor or health care provider, do not presume to give her unsolicited medical advice or monitor her diet, including alcohol consumption.  Your concern for the child doesn't excuse your rudeness in doing this.

10.  It is okay to have a shower for a new mother (if it is in keeping with her culture), but it should not be a "surprise" shower.

11.  For pregnant women:  While many things can be forgiven, "the hormones" don't constitute a "get out of responsibility to be polite" card.

12.  The child's name is up to the parents.

13.  Pregnant women are not entitled to gifts, including those on registries.  Any gifts offered must be received graciously with an appropriate thank-you to the giver.

14.  For new parents-to-be:  Please do not assume that everyone wants to see a sonogram or video of the childbirth.  Ask your intended audience before displaying either.

15.  Also for new parents: Please do not assume that everyone is entertained by unsolicited stories of the birth.  Keep it private unless asked for.

16.  Again for new parents:  Superior parking spaces, places in line, and other "perks" are privileges and not entitlements.

17.  Finally for new parents: Be considerate of those with fertility problems-don't pressure them to hold your child, make any kind of derogatory comments, suggest that it's easy, suggest that they're lucky not to be parents, etc.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: RainhaDoTexugo on March 01, 2009, 03:18:51 PM

5.  Only the parents get to decide whom she wants to attend the birth.  Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born.

I edited this one - the mother may have the final veto power, but the new father should definitely have input.

Quote
10.  It is okay to have a shower for a new mother (if it is in keeping with her culture), but it should not be a "surprise" shower.

Just curious, why are surprise showers rude?
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Lisbeth on March 01, 2009, 03:20:56 PM

5.  Only the parents get to decide whom she wants to attend the birth.  Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born.

I edited this one - the mother may have the final veto power, but the new father should definitely have input.

Quote
10.  It is okay to have a shower for a new mother (if it is in keeping with her culture), but it should not be a "surprise" shower.

Just curious, why are surprise showers rude?

I disagree with the edit.  The father is not giving birth.  If the mother doesn't want his parents there for example, they should not be there.  For that matter, if she doesn't want him there, he should respect her wishes.

I think surprise showers are rude because they involve sudden startlement of someone whose body is going through hormonal changes.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: RainhaDoTexugo on March 01, 2009, 03:32:12 PM
As I said, the mother has veto power, but it's the father's kid, too, and in my opinion, to lump his opinion in with that of the grandparents and friends is unrealistic.  New mom can put her foot down and say no, but she should give consideration to what he wants, as well, especially when it comes to people in the waiting room, as opposed to people in the birthing room. 
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Lisbeth on March 01, 2009, 03:35:07 PM
As I said, the mother has veto power, but it's the father's kid, too, and in my opinion, to lump his opinion in with that of the grandparents and friends is unrealistic.  New mom can put her foot down and say no, but she should give consideration to what he wants, as well, especially when it comes to people in the waiting room, as opposed to people in the birthing room. 

Original message changed to:

Sorry, misunderstood your original response.  I still think that when it comes to the delivery room, only the mother gets to decide who, if anyone, accompanies her in there besides the medical staff.  But for the waiting room, it's something for her to decide together with the father.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MaggieB on March 01, 2009, 03:37:21 PM
I see where you're coming from, KeenReader, but the way it is phrased originally makes it sound like no one, including the father, is allowed to bring this subject up with the mother.  It's true that it is rude for friends, grandparents-to-be and other relatives to invite themselves into the delivery room, but I think this is a perfectly reasonable discussion for new parents to have.  

And as for who has final veto power between the mother and father, that probably varies from relationship to relationship.  I'm not sure that's really an etiquette issue.  At least not one we will ever reach a consensus on.   ;)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Black Delphinium on March 01, 2009, 03:38:09 PM
I'm with Rainha, except in instances when the father has otherwise absented himself from the pregnancy.(purposefully absented, as opposed to being called away for important business/war/etc)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Lisbeth on March 01, 2009, 03:43:17 PM
I see where you're coming from, KeenReader, but the way it is phrased originally makes it sound like no one, including the father, is allowed to bring this subject up with the mother.  It's true that it is rude for friends, grandparents-to-be and other relatives to invite themselves into the delivery room, but I think this is a perfectly reasonable discussion for new parents to have.  

And as for who has final veto power between the mother and father, that probably varies from rel@tionship to rel@tionship.  I'm not sure that's really an etiquette issue.  At least not one we will ever reach a consensus on.   ;)

I think that they can ask, but the mother does and should have final veto power.

Let's face it, childbirth is a procedure that involves pain and can in many ways involve what can feel to the mother like a major lack of dignity.  She should not be made to feel guilty or told how "hurt" others are that she doesn't want them there while she's undergoing a painful procedure that involves pushing something out of the lower end of her body or having an incision made in her abdomen and something removed-even if it's a child.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Tai on March 01, 2009, 03:43:51 PM
POD to mom's choice only.  MIL decided that she wanted to be there when Peach was born, and DH decided it wasn't such a bad idea.  *I* decided that when DH is giving birth, he's welcome to invite his mom, but when it is *my* nether regions exposed I get to decide who is there.  Heck, my SIL is medical personell, and I threw her out of the room too.  

Yes, it is DH's kid too, but quite frankly I have "Domino's" deliveries in the middle of the night- We made it to the hospital with 8 minutes to spare before Luigi was born, and only 15 with Peach- and we live in the same city as the hospital they were born in....  Anyways, I have a problem with "make sure you call us when Tai goes into labor" because, well, if I'm in labor and not at the hospital, DH doesn't have TIME to call anyone.  

For everyone else, yeah, I think that MTB and DTB can have the discussion on pretty much anything regarding the birth- but MTB has the absolute veto.  For instance, if DTB thinks that pain medication is bad but MTB wants an epidural- MTB wins.  DTB wants MTB to breastfeed, MTB doesn't- MTB wins.  When DTB is having his own L&D, he can decide.  (of course, it should be a discussion where both parties listen, not just "I'm doing this.  Period")

13.  Pregnant moms-to-be:  You aren't entitled to ANYTHING, giftwise.  Nobody *has* to buy you anything, so be thankful for everything you receive.  
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: NOVA Lady on March 01, 2009, 03:48:01 PM
"8.  Avoid smoking in the presence of a pregnant woman."

8. Avoid smoking in the presence of a pregnant woman, unless she is is a smoking establishment or a designated smoking area.

...

For the pregnant woman:

13. Avoid discussing the gory details of pregnancy and child birth unless the other party is comfortable with it.

14. Do not expect to be given a seat, a closer place in line, etc. (But it is lovely when people do offer)

15. Do ask your friends/family how they are, do not make the impending birth the sole topic of conversation.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: penelope2017 on March 01, 2009, 03:49:50 PM
I see where you're coming from, KeenReader, but the way it is phrased originally makes it sound like no one, including the father, is allowed to bring this subject up with the mother.  It's true that it is rude for friends, grandparents-to-be and other relatives to invite themselves into the delivery room, but I think this is a perfectly reasonable discussion for new parents to have.  

And as for who has final veto power between the mother and father, that probably varies from rel@tionship to rel@tionship.  I'm not sure that's really an etiquette issue.  At least not one we will ever reach a consensus on.   ;)

I think that they can ask, but the mother does and should have final veto power.

Let's face it, childbirth is a procedure that involves pain and can in many ways involves what can feel to the mother like a major lack of dignity.  She should not be made to feel guilty or told how "hurt" others are that she doesn't want them there while she's undergoing a painful procedure that involves pushing something out of the lower end of her body or having an incision made in her abdomen and something removed-even if it's a child.

I think we need to clarify - are we talking in the delivery room? Yes, mom should of course get final say. At the hospital in some other area politely waiting for parents' cues? I think that should be joint decision. Grandparents or whoever else is allowed to be at the hospital can see the new baby through the window in the nursery shortly after birth (at every birth I've been to) with no disruption or interaction with the new mom if she so chooses.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Lisbeth on March 01, 2009, 03:51:31 PM
I see where you're coming from, KeenReader, but the way it is phrased originally makes it sound like no one, including the father, is allowed to bring this subject up with the mother.  It's true that it is rude for friends, grandparents-to-be and other relatives to invite themselves into the delivery room, but I think this is a perfectly reasonable discussion for new parents to have.  

And as for who has final veto power between the mother and father, that probably varies from rel@tionship to rel@tionship.  I'm not sure that's really an etiquette issue.  At least not one we will ever reach a consensus on.   ;)

I think that they can ask, but the mother does and should have final veto power.

Let's face it, childbirth is a procedure that involves pain and can in many ways involves what can feel to the mother like a major lack of dignity.  She should not be made to feel guilty or told how "hurt" others are that she doesn't want them there while she's undergoing a painful procedure that involves pushing something out of the lower end of her body or having an incision made in her abdomen and something removed-even if it's a child.

I think we need to clarify - are we talking in the delivery room? Yes, mom should of course get final say. At the hospital in some other area politely waiting for parents' cues? I think that should be joint decision. Grandparents or whoever else is allowed to be at the hospital can see the new baby through the window in the nursery shortly after birth (at every birth I've been to) with no disruption or interaction with the new mom if she so chooses.

I'm talking about at the actual delivery.  I agree that who comes to visit in the hospital afterwards should be a joint decision between the parents.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: drebay on March 01, 2009, 03:52:18 PM
POD to mom's choice only.  MIL decided that she wanted to be there when Peach was born, and DH decided it wasn't such a bad idea.  *I* decided that when DH is giving birth, he's welcome to invite his mom, but when it is *my* nether regions exposed I get to decide who is there.  Heck, my SIL is medical personell, and I threw her out of the room too.  


I agree.  I would not want MY mom in the room, let alone DHs mom.  The person giving birth has all veto power.  If mom-to-be wanted someone in, but dad-to-be doesn't, there needs to be a discussion.  Mom needs the support. Fair? no. Sometimes life isn't fair.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: penelope2017 on March 01, 2009, 04:01:07 PM
I see where you're coming from, KeenReader, but the way it is phrased originally makes it sound like no one, including the father, is allowed to bring this subject up with the mother.  It's true that it is rude for friends, grandparents-to-be and other relatives to invite themselves into the delivery room, but I think this is a perfectly reasonable discussion for new parents to have.  

And as for who has final veto power between the mother and father, that probably varies from rel@tionship to rel@tionship.  I'm not sure that's really an etiquette issue.  At least not one we will ever reach a consensus on.   ;)

I think that they can ask, but the mother does and should have final veto power.

Let's face it, childbirth is a procedure that involves pain and can in many ways involves what can feel to the mother like a major lack of dignity.  She should not be made to feel guilty or told how "hurt" others are that she doesn't want them there while she's undergoing a painful procedure that involves pushing something out of the lower end of her body or having an incision made in her abdomen and something removed-even if it's a child.

I think we need to clarify - are we talking in the delivery room? Yes, mom should of course get final say. At the hospital in some other area politely waiting for parents' cues? I think that should be joint decision. Grandparents or whoever else is allowed to be at the hospital can see the new baby through the window in the nursery shortly after birth (at every birth I've been to) with no disruption or interaction with the new mom if she so chooses.

I'm talking about at the actual delivery.  I agree that who comes to visit in the hospital afterwards should be a joint decision between the parents.


Sorry, again I mean at the hospital in the waiting room while the mom is in labor/delivering vs. in the delivery room itself. Not visiting afterward. Mom should be able to veto delivery room, both parents should be able to decide who is in the waiting room while mom is in labor. My comment about seeing the baby in the nursery was shortly after the baby is delivered, for people who are waiting for it to happen. You can do this without even going into the new mom's room and she won't be disturbed.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Lisbeth on March 01, 2009, 04:02:34 PM
I see where you're coming from, KeenReader, but the way it is phrased originally makes it sound like no one, including the father, is allowed to bring this subject up with the mother.  It's true that it is rude for friends, grandparents-to-be and other relatives to invite themselves into the delivery room, but I think this is a perfectly reasonable discussion for new parents to have.  

And as for who has final veto power between the mother and father, that probably varies from rel@tionship to rel@tionship.  I'm not sure that's really an etiquette issue.  At least not one we will ever reach a consensus on.   ;)

I think that they can ask, but the mother does and should have final veto power.

Let's face it, childbirth is a procedure that involves pain and can in many ways involves what can feel to the mother like a major lack of dignity.  She should not be made to feel guilty or told how "hurt" others are that she doesn't want them there while she's undergoing a painful procedure that involves pushing something out of the lower end of her body or having an incision made in her abdomen and something removed-even if it's a child.

I think we need to clarify - are we talking in the delivery room? Yes, mom should of course get final say. At the hospital in some other area politely waiting for parents' cues? I think that should be joint decision. Grandparents or whoever else is allowed to be at the hospital can see the new baby through the window in the nursery shortly after birth (at every birth I've been to) with no disruption or interaction with the new mom if she so chooses.

I'm talking about at the actual delivery.  I agree that who comes to visit in the hospital afterwards should be a joint decision between the parents.


Sorry, again I mean at the hospital in the waiting room while the mom is in labor/delivering vs. in the delivery room itself. Not visiting afterward. Mom should be able to veto delivery room, both parents should be able to decide who is in the waiting room while mom is in labor. My comment about seeing the baby in the nursery was shortly after the baby is delivered, for people who are waiting for it to happen. You can do this without even going into the new mom's room and she won't be disturbed.

I think that who is in the waiting room, as opposed to the delivery room, is something the parents should decide between themselves jointly.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Lisbeth on March 01, 2009, 04:08:09 PM
I modified the OP to include suggestions.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: RainhaDoTexugo on March 01, 2009, 04:08:33 PM
POD to mom's choice only.  MIL decided that she wanted to be there when Peach was born, and DH decided it wasn't such a bad idea.  *I* decided that when DH is giving birth, he's welcome to invite his mom, but when it is *my* nether regions exposed I get to decide who is there.  Heck, my SIL is medical personell, and I threw her out of the room too.  


I agree.  I would not want MY mom in the room, let alone DHs mom.  The person giving birth has all veto power.  If mom-to-be wanted someone in, but dad-to-be doesn't, there needs to be a discussion.  Mom needs the support. Fair? no. Sometimes life isn't fair.

You know, I'm starting to think dad should get some degree of veto power too.  Not willy-nilly veto power, but if he has a serious objection to someone being there, I think that has some weight.  I'm not talking about cases where he didn't always see eye to eye with mom's sister, who's also her best friend, so much as extreme cases, like if sister has been making comments about how she should take the kid and leave dad and find someone worthwhile throughout the course of the pregnancy.  Dad does have the right to not be subjected to an openly hostile environment when his kid is born.  But that may be an issue for marriage counseling, not an etiquette board ;)

This is all assuming, of course, an involved and caring dad, not some jerk who got her pregnant and took off.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Lisbeth on March 01, 2009, 04:15:08 PM
POD to mom's choice only.  MIL decided that she wanted to be there when Peach was born, and DH decided it wasn't such a bad idea.  *I* decided that when DH is giving birth, he's welcome to invite his mom, but when it is *my* nether regions exposed I get to decide who is there.  Heck, my SIL is medical personell, and I threw her out of the room too.  


I agree.  I would not want MY mom in the room, let alone DHs mom.  The person giving birth has all veto power.  If mom-to-be wanted someone in, but dad-to-be doesn't, there needs to be a discussion.  Mom needs the support. Fair? no. Sometimes life isn't fair.

You know, I'm starting to think dad should get some degree of veto power too.  Not willy-nilly veto power, but if he has a serious objection to someone being there, I think that has some weight.  I'm not talking about cases where he didn't always see eye to eye with mom's sister, who's also her best friend, so much as extreme cases, like if sister has been making comments about how she should take the kid and leave dad and find someone worthwhile throughout the course of the pregnancy.  Dad does have the right to not be subjected to an openly hostile environment when his kid is born.  But that may be an issue for marriage counseling, not an etiquette board ;)

This is all assuming, of course, an involved and caring dad, not some jerk who got her pregnant and took off.

Well, if the father has that kind of objection, I have to admit that I don't see an involved and caring mother wanting that person present either.  But it does sound like an issue for marriage counseling.  Etiquette-wise, while the father could make that request of the mother, I think he could also require that if she wants anyone there with a hostile attitude toward the father that said persons have to treat him with respect and refrain from making negative comments about him.  That would definitely be fair.  But I don't think he could ask that that person not be there at all.

Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: J-M on March 01, 2009, 04:31:44 PM
I see where you're coming from, KeenReader, but the way it is phrased originally makes it sound like no one, including the father, is allowed to bring this subject up with the mother.  It's true that it is rude for friends, grandparents-to-be and other relatives to invite themselves into the delivery room, but I think this is a perfectly reasonable discussion for new parents to have.  

And as for who has final veto power between the mother and father, that probably varies from rel@tionship to rel@tionship.  I'm not sure that's really an etiquette issue.  At least not one we will ever reach a consensus on.   ;)

I think that they can ask, but the mother does and should have final veto power.

Let's face it, childbirth is a procedure that involves pain and can in many ways involves what can feel to the mother like a major lack of dignity.  She should not be made to feel guilty or told how "hurt" others are that she doesn't want them there while she's undergoing a painful procedure that involves pushing something out of the lower end of her body or having an incision made in her abdomen and something removed-even if it's a child.

I think we need to clarify - are we talking in the delivery room? Yes, mom should of course get final say. At the hospital in some other area politely waiting for parents' cues? I think that should be joint decision. Grandparents or whoever else is allowed to be at the hospital can see the new baby through the window in the nursery shortly after birth (at every birth I've been to) with no disruption or interaction with the new mom if she so chooses.

I'm talking about at the actual delivery.  I agree that who comes to visit in the hospital afterwards should be a joint decision between the parents.


Sorry, again I mean at the hospital in the waiting room while the mom is in labor/delivering vs. in the delivery room itself. Not visiting afterward. Mom should be able to veto delivery room, both parents should be able to decide who is in the waiting room while mom is in labor. My comment about seeing the baby in the nursery was shortly after the baby is delivered, for people who are waiting for it to happen. You can do this without even going into the new mom's room and she won't be disturbed.

A lot of hospitals are getting away with having nurseries now - there's a lot of emphasis on skin-to-skin contact with mom and keeping mom and baby together after delivery. When I had munchkin, there's absolutely no nursery at our hospital, just a tiny room where they bathe/weigh baby, then bring him or her back to mom. Additionally, our hospital strongly recommended not having family wait in the waiting room - the nurse manager said quite a few times pushy family members steamrolled over a tired mother after the birth.

In my case, my parents were at the hospital as our supports and I refused to agree to DH's mother coming (she's now cut off due to toxicity), but in the end, it didn't matter - the only ones to see Munchkin's birth was my OB, a pediatrician and a bunch of nurses. I had a c-section and had to be put under because a spinal wouldn't work; Munchkin was given to his father with strict instructions from me to the nurse before I was put under that no one, not even my own mother, was to hold Munchkin except his father, until I did. Getting over the guilt over not being there for his birth was immense - if other extended family members had been gawking through a window at him, before I'd even seen him, the hurt would've been even worse in my post-partum mind.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: penelope2017 on March 01, 2009, 04:38:14 PM
I see where you're coming from, KeenReader, but the way it is phrased originally makes it sound like no one, including the father, is allowed to bring this subject up with the mother.  It's true that it is rude for friends, grandparents-to-be and other relatives to invite themselves into the delivery room, but I think this is a perfectly reasonable discussion for new parents to have.  

And as for who has final veto power between the mother and father, that probably varies from rel@tionship to rel@tionship.  I'm not sure that's really an etiquette issue.  At least not one we will ever reach a consensus on.   ;)

I think that they can ask, but the mother does and should have final veto power.

Let's face it, childbirth is a procedure that involves pain and can in many ways involves what can feel to the mother like a major lack of dignity.  She should not be made to feel guilty or told how "hurt" others are that she doesn't want them there while she's undergoing a painful procedure that involves pushing something out of the lower end of her body or having an incision made in her abdomen and something removed-even if it's a child.

I think we need to clarify - are we talking in the delivery room? Yes, mom should of course get final say. At the hospital in some other area politely waiting for parents' cues? I think that should be joint decision. Grandparents or whoever else is allowed to be at the hospital can see the new baby through the window in the nursery shortly after birth (at every birth I've been to) with no disruption or interaction with the new mom if she so chooses.

I'm talking about at the actual delivery.  I agree that who comes to visit in the hospital afterwards should be a joint decision between the parents.


Sorry, again I mean at the hospital in the waiting room while the mom is in labor/delivering vs. in the delivery room itself. Not visiting afterward. Mom should be able to veto delivery room, both parents should be able to decide who is in the waiting room while mom is in labor. My comment about seeing the baby in the nursery was shortly after the baby is delivered, for people who are waiting for it to happen. You can do this without even going into the new mom's room and she won't be disturbed.

A lot of hospitals are getting away with having nurseries now - there's a lot of emphasis on skin-to-skin contact with mom and keeping mom and baby together after delivery. When I had munchkin, there's absolutely no nursery at our hospital, just a tiny room where they bathe/weigh baby, then bring him or her back to mom. Additionally, our hospital strongly recommended not having family wait in the waiting room - the nurse manager said quite a few times pushy family members steamrolled over a tired mother after the birth.

In my case, my parents were at the hospital as our supports and I refused to agree to DH's mother coming (she's now cut off due to toxicity), but in the end, it didn't matter - the only ones to see Munchkin's birth was my OB, a pediatrician and a bunch of nurses. I had a c-section and had to be put under because a spinal wouldn't work; Munchkin was given to his father with strict instructions from me to the nurse before I was put under that no one, not even my own mother, was to hold Munchkin except his father, until I did. Getting over the guilt over not being there for his birth was immense - if other extended family members had been gawking through a window at him, before I'd even seen him, the hurt would've been even worse in my post-partum mind.

Well in my case there is no hospital in the area (I've been to all four major ones) that doesn't have a nursery and in the area where my family is from all the hospitals have nurseries. In that case I guess things would be different. But I have yet to see it. What I am addressing is with the belief that a hospital has a nursery.

Obviously a toxic relative is a completely different issue as is any kind of emergency issue with the birth - but aside from any specific issues such as yours, I think the mother and father need to make joint decisions for the waiting room while the mom is in labor and the baby. The mother can set the parameters for who gets to see her and when depending on her physical condition and those should be respected.

If either parent has an extreme objection to a relative being at the hospital because of the issues that they have that needs to be respected, for either parent.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: ginlyn32 on March 01, 2009, 07:02:24 PM
Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: kareng57 on March 01, 2009, 07:57:43 PM
Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn

And to elaborate on that.... If you are close enough to the MTB to be discussing the delivery, and she mentions that she is planning to use/not use drugs, induce, give birth in a tub of lime jello on top of the CN Tower, keep your personal feelings to yourself. Relaying plans is not the same thing as asking for opinions.


Overall I agree - but really, why is the MTB  announcing the delivery-plan to everyone who will listen, anyway?  By doing this, she ought to know that she will be getting 100+ opinions about her plans.  Dh and I didn't discuss this with anyone other than the doctor.

It's really best to keep quiet.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: ginlyn32 on March 01, 2009, 08:09:31 PM
Well, I know from my past as a crohnic people-pleaser, I would dutifully answer all questions. Even the intensly private ones that people should not even ask!

That was my motivation for my last suggestion. Don't feel guilty about whether you used an epidural, had natural birth, had a midwife or a water birth.

ANd the only way I would feel comfitorable answering is if I knew the person well.

ginlyn
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Brentwood on March 01, 2009, 08:33:04 PM
As I said, the mother has veto power, but it's the father's kid, too, and in my opinion, to lump his opinion in with that of the grandparents and friends is unrealistic.  New mom can put her foot down and say no, but she should give consideration to what he wants, as well, especially when it comes to people in the waiting room, as opposed to people in the birthing room. 

I have given birth three times. I agree with KeenReader - the mother decides who is in the labor and delivery room with her. Hers is the only opinion on that subject that needs consideration. Laboring and birthing are not spectator sports, and every consideration should be given to what makes the mother the most comfortable.

Dad can offer his opinion on who visits afterward, but during the labor and delivery, the decision is solely Mom's.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: skbenny on March 01, 2009, 09:59:20 PM
I have given birth three times. I agree with KeenReader - the mother decides who is in the labor and delivery room with her. Hers is the only opinion on that subject that needs consideration. Laboring and birthing are not spectator sports, and every consideration should be given to what makes the mother the most comfortable.

Dad can offer his opinion on who visits afterward, but during the labor and delivery, the decision is solely Mom's.

This, but I would change the bolded to "who visits the baby afterward".  I had some very uncomfortable visits that should not have happened.  Especially memorable is one where my breasts were exposed while I was feeding the baby and a religious leader came to visit.  If I would have had veto power this leader would not have been notified until I was home again. 

Thank heavens for HIPAA and the better monitoring by nurses now..
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Brentwood on March 02, 2009, 07:55:35 AM
I have given birth three times. I agree with KeenReader - the mother decides who is in the labor and delivery room with her. Hers is the only opinion on that subject that needs consideration. Laboring and birthing are not spectator sports, and every consideration should be given to what makes the mother the most comfortable.

Dad can offer his opinion on who visits afterward, but during the labor and delivery, the decision is solely Mom's.

This, but I would change the bolded to "who visits the baby afterward".  I had some very uncomfortable visits that should not have happened.  Especially memorable is one where my breasts were exposed while I was feeding the baby and a religious leader came to visit.  If I would have had veto power this leader would not have been notified until I was home again. 

Thank heavens for HIPAA and the better monitoring by nurses now..

Yes, definitely. That's a better way to put it.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: athersgeo on March 02, 2009, 08:01:39 AM
As I said, the mother has veto power, but it's the father's kid, too, and in my opinion, to lump his opinion in with that of the grandparents and friends is unrealistic.  New mom can put her foot down and say no, but she should give consideration to what he wants, as well, especially when it comes to people in the waiting room, as opposed to people in the birthing room. 

I have given birth three times. I agree with KeenReader - the mother decides who is in the labor and delivery room with her. Hers is the only opinion on that subject that needs consideration. Laboring and birthing are not spectator sports, and every consideration should be given to what makes the mother the most comfortable.

Dad can offer his opinion on who visits afterward, but during the labor and delivery, the decision is solely Mom's.

Re the part in bold, it actually *can* sometimes be a bit of a spectator sport. I was a breech birth (and specifically, rear-end first) *AND* ten days late. The latter meant that mum had to be induced. The former meant that, in addition to the usual assortment of doctors, nurses and mid-wives present, plus my father, they'd also got in all the medical students who were doing their stint in the maternity unit to see how a breech birth was done!

Having said all that, though, I'm pretty sure that had my mother objected to the circus, that would have been abided by.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Oxymoroness on March 02, 2009, 08:47:50 AM
10.  It is okay to have a shower for a new mother (if it is in keeping with her culture), but it should not be a "surprise" shower.

I'd modify #10 to:

10. It is okay (depending on your culture) to throw a shower for the MTB, but be sensitive to whether or not she would appreciate a "surprise" shower or not.

Personally, I like surprise parties and knowing about a shower beforehand would make me feel extremely awkward. Besides, there is no force on earth short of medical intervention that can induce labor before mom and baby are ready to go. (I know this because I tried.)  ::)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Oxymoroness on March 02, 2009, 08:52:06 AM
A lot of hospitals are getting away with having nurseries now - there's a lot of emphasis on skin-to-skin contact with mom and keeping mom and baby together after delivery. When I had munchkin, there's absolutely no nursery at our hospital, just a tiny room where they bathe/weigh baby, then bring him or her back to mom. Additionally, our hospital strongly recommended not having family wait in the waiting room - the nurse manager said quite a few times pushy family members steamrolled over a tired mother after the birth.

I hope this doesn't catch on, I enjoyed the fact that the hospital I went to had the option of a nursery. I could take a shower and get some extra sleep regardless of whether or not DH was actually there at the hospital with me or not.

In retrospect I'm really glad that there was no one at the hospital even in the waiting room. So much went wrong with Baby Oxy's birth that had any of mom's been there the stress levels would have been astronomical (that and it took a ridiculously long time)!
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: caranfin on March 02, 2009, 09:44:04 AM
Please be sensitive to friends and relatives who may want to have a child, but can't - either due to fertility or timing. You don't need to pretend you're not expecting, but do not rub it in their face either ("Don't you want one? When are you guys going to get started?"). And be understanding if they don't jump for joy and ask lots of questions about your baby, or even if they need to avoid you for a while. Don't demand that every one "be happy for me." Allow them to be sad for themselves if that's where they are.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: matf on March 02, 2009, 10:58:46 AM
To follow up on caranfin, it is okay to ask, once, politely, about a person/couple's plans for children. However, take a refusal to discuss details as absolute. "I'll let you know when there's something to talk about" is a polite way of saying butt out.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: snowball's chance on March 02, 2009, 01:00:50 PM
9.   If you are not the pregnant woman's doctor or health care provider, do not presume to give her unsolicited medical advice or monitor her diet.  Your concern for the child doesn't excuse your rudeness in doing this.

including, but not limited to, you seeing a pregnant stranger smoking a cigarette or drinking an alcoholic beverage (unless she's visibly drunk).  A.) she may not be pregant, just looks pregnant, B.) it may be the only cigarette or drink she's having her entire pregnancy.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: snowball's chance on March 02, 2009, 01:06:12 PM
If the baby in question was born under circumstances you don't agree with (i.e., parents are unwed or in a bad financial situation, are too young/old, haven't been together long enough), keep your opinions to yourself unless asked by the parents to voice them specifically.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: ginlyn32 on March 02, 2009, 01:16:27 PM
9.   If you are not the pregnant woman's doctor or health care provider, do not presume to give her unsolicited medical advice or monitor her diet.  Your concern for the child doesn't excuse your rudeness in doing this.

including, but not limited to, you seeing a pregnant stranger smoking a cigarette or drinking an alcoholic beverage (unless she's visibly drunk).  A.) she may not be pregant, just looks pregnant, B.) it may be the only cigarette or drink she's having her entire pregnancy.

Also, if you see a pregnant woman purchasing alcoholic beverages or cigerettes, they may not even be for her, so keep your comments to yourself.

ginlyn
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Tai on March 02, 2009, 02:11:46 PM
9.   If you are not the pregnant woman's doctor or health care provider, do not presume to give her unsolicited medical advice or monitor her diet.  Your concern for the child doesn't excuse your rudeness in doing this.

including, but not limited to, you seeing a pregnant stranger smoking a cigarette or drinking an alcoholic beverage (unless she's visibly drunk).  A.) she may not be pregant, just looks pregnant, B.) it may be the only cigarette or drink she's having her entire pregnancy.

Also, if you see a pregnant woman purchasing alcoholic beverages or cigerettes, they may not even be for her, so keep your comments to yourself.

ginlyn

Absolutely!  I do the grocery shopping, and therefore I'm the one that buys beer and wine.  When I was pregnant with Peach and Luigi, I can't tell you how many times I got the hairy eyeball and comments about "your baby's too young to drink".  Yeah, I know, but Daddy isn't!  And you just can't make beer bread without beer...
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Elpie on March 02, 2009, 02:34:52 PM
Agree with Maria, but there may be some leeway if the questionee has made a statement about plans to have children.

But if questionee has never, ever mentioned having children, or desiring to have children, Don't Ask. It will never result in positive feelings from the questionee.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Dindrane on March 02, 2009, 02:40:57 PM
One thing I didn't see regards the behavior of family and friends of new parents after the birth.

When someone you know has a baby, be extra considerate of the fact that they are probably a) tired, b) overwhelmed, c) afraid, or d) any combination of the above.  Don't keep them on the phone for too long, and don't drop by at all unless they express some desire for you to do so.  If are invited to drop by, show up prepared to offer your help, even if all you're willing to offer is to mutually ignore the social niceties that are impossible with a newborn.  If you're not willing to offer even that much to the new parents, do everyone a favor and stay home until they've got everything more figured out.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: penelope2017 on March 02, 2009, 02:43:11 PM
9.   If you are not the pregnant woman's doctor or health care provider, do not presume to give her unsolicited medical advice or monitor her diet.  Your concern for the child doesn't excuse your rudeness in doing this.

including, but not limited to, you seeing a pregnant stranger smoking a cigarette or drinking an alcoholic beverage (unless she's visibly drunk).  A.) she may not be pregant, just looks pregnant, B.) it may be the only cigarette or drink she's having her entire pregnancy.


POD to this and even if it is not, it is none of your business, especially considering you might be mistaken about the woman being pregnant as snowball's chance says.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: snowball's chance on March 02, 2009, 02:49:42 PM
If are invited to drop by, show up prepared to offer your help, even if all you're willing to offer is to mutually ignore the social niceties that are impossible with a newborn.  If you're not willing to offer even that much to the new parents, do everyone a favor and stay home until they've got everything more figured out.

& if you *do* offer to help, be prepared to get an answer you may not want.  The New Mom & Dad may be able to cuddle & coo the New Little One just fine, but what they'd really love is to have a load of laundary or dishes done, their dog taken for walk, or a meal fixed for an older sibling of the baby.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Dindrane on March 02, 2009, 03:02:49 PM
If are invited to drop by, show up prepared to offer your help, even if all you're willing to offer is to mutually ignore the social niceties that are impossible with a newborn.  If you're not willing to offer even that much to the new parents, do everyone a favor and stay home until they've got everything more figured out.

& if you *do* offer to help, be prepared to get an answer you may not want.  The New Mom & Dad may be able to cuddle & coo the New Little One just fine, but what they'd really love is to have a load of laundary or dishes done, their dog taken for walk, or a meal fixed for an older sibling of the baby.

That is a very good point.  People offering help should also not press the new parents to take them up on their offer right away.  Make it known that you're available for whatever you're willing to do (babysitting, dog walking, dishes, whatever), and then let the new parents ask you when they need it.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: caranfin on March 02, 2009, 03:07:01 PM
Agree with Maria, but there may be some leeway if the questionee has made a statement about plans to have children.

But if questionee has never, ever mentioned having children, or desiring to have children, Don't Ask. It will never result in positive feelings from the questionee.

And if you do ask (for example, your new daughter-in-law says "Oh look, a baby, I just love babies" and you feel it's appropriate to follow up), ask IF they plan/hope to have children. Not when.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: wolfie on March 02, 2009, 05:41:39 PM
While your children are the most fascinating and wonderful creatures to you most of the rest of the world doesn\'t agree (grandparents being a possible exception) so please try to keep the stories to a minimum. Especially stories that involved bodily fluids.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: FoxPaws on March 02, 2009, 09:10:05 PM
12.  The child's name is up to the parents.
So is finding out/revealing the child's gender - or not - and for that matter, announcing the pregnancy.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: NOVA Lady on March 03, 2009, 07:19:38 AM
To follow up on caranfin, it is okay to ask, once, politely, about a person/couple's plans for children. However, take a refusal to discuss details as absolute. "I'll let you know when there's something to talk about" is a polite way of saying butt out.

No, actually, it's not polite to ask once.

Agree!!

If people want to talk about it, they will. But why are anyone's plans to have children or not anyone else's business.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: matf on March 03, 2009, 08:15:18 AM
To follow up on caranfin, it is okay to ask, once, politely, about a person/couple's plans for children. However, take a refusal to discuss details as absolute. "I'll let you know when there's something to talk about" is a polite way of saying butt out.

No, actually, it's not polite to ask once.

Agree!!

If people want to talk about it, they will. But why are anyone's plans to have children or not anyone else's business.

I bow to the wisdom of Marina and Maria. I was unconsciously trying to excuse members of my immediate family who were asking. But y'all are right. It's NEVER appropriate.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: snowball's chance on March 03, 2009, 08:17:34 AM
While grandchildren are a wonderful blessing, they are not something you are "owed" by your adult children.  Whether your children and their partners are child-free by choice or for some other reason, they don't want to hear all about what a disappointment this is to you, or for you to try to change their minds.  
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: caranfin on March 03, 2009, 09:03:01 AM
To follow up on caranfin, it is okay to ask, once, politely, about a person/couple's plans for children. However, take a refusal to discuss details as absolute. "I'll let you know when there's something to talk about" is a polite way of saying butt out.

No, actually, it's not polite to ask once.

Agree!!

If people want to talk about it, they will. But why are anyone's plans to have children or not anyone else's business.

I bow to the wisdom of Marina and Maria. I was unconsciously trying to excuse members of my immediate family who were asking. But y'all are right. It's NEVER appropriate.

Not everybody agrees that this is a rude question. It can be asked rudely, and the follow-up ("why not?") can be rude, but it is possible to ask it politely. If, for example, I'm not allowed to ask my own child if she plans to have children some day, I'd have to say we don't have much of a relationship.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MyFamily on March 03, 2009, 09:52:11 AM
If the new-mother has decided to take advantage of the wonderful HIPAA law that means the hospital cannot even admit the mother and baby are in the hospital AND has informed her husband to give out her room number to only a small handful of people, respect her wishes - she just gave birth, is tired and the stay in the hospital is so that she can rest before she goes home.  It is nothing personal, it is just that she's tired.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: NOVA Lady on March 03, 2009, 10:19:52 AM
To follow up on caranfin, it is okay to ask, once, politely, about a person/couple's plans for children. However, take a refusal to discuss details as absolute. "I'll let you know when there's something to talk about" is a polite way of saying butt out.

No, actually, it's not polite to ask once.

Agree!!

If people want to talk about it, they will. But why are anyone's plans to have children or not anyone else's business.

I bow to the wisdom of Marina and Maria. I was unconsciously trying to excuse members of my immediate family who were asking. But y'all are right. It's NEVER appropriate.

Not everybody agrees that this is a rude question. It can be asked rudely, and the follow-up ("why not?") can be rude, but it is possible to ask it politely. If, for example, I'm not allowed to ask my own child if she plans to have children some day, I'd have to say we don't have much of a rel@tionship.

I do think there are exceptions for close relationships like my mother or my sister.

Though this topic is completely closed between me and my mother. We have a fantastic relationship anyhow.

But a random coworker/friend/distant family member? NO.

If people want to have children, others are usually aware of it... they talk about wanting them or liking them, and that open's the conversation. But if someone has never mentioned kids or wanting them... and you're not their husband or doctor... I dont see what the point in asking it.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: matf on March 03, 2009, 11:36:37 AM
I do think there are exceptions for close rel@tionships like my mother or my sister.

Though this topic is completely closed between me and my mother. We have a fantastic rel@tionship anyhow.

But a random coworker/friend/distant family member? NO.

If people want to have children, others are usually aware of it... they talk about wanting them or liking them, and that open's the conversation. But if someone has never mentioned kids or wanting them... and you're not their husband or doctor... I dont see what the point in asking it.

Even if someone has mentioned wanting children in the future, I still think it's rude to ask about specific plans or timing. And the close relationships between parents and kids is why I originally said that it's rude to ask more than once. You can ask once if you're close, but let the person decide if they want to talk with you -- and if they don't, stop asking.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: caranfin on March 03, 2009, 12:10:22 PM
This is my suggestion, please feel free to rip it to shreds.  ;)

Before you ask someone if they plan to have children, keep in mind that this is a very personal question, and is sensitive for some people, especially those whose answer would be "no" - they tend to get a very hard time about it. Don't ask if you're just making conversation. If you feel like you have a reason to ask - for example, you're wondering if your new coworker who just moved here from a different state needs a recommendation for an OB - figure out some other way to work it into the conversation, or just have faith that if they need that advice, they will come to you.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Dindrane on March 03, 2009, 12:35:25 PM
I really think that something like this might be better, caranfin:

Before you ask someone if they plan to have children, keep in mind that this topic is usually none of your business, and that it can be an annoying or painful question for people who don't want or can't have children.  Don't ask if you're just making conversation.  If you feel that you have a valid reason for asking this question, figure out a way to work it into the conversation, or just have faith that they will come to you if they need advice on the subject.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Shoo on March 03, 2009, 12:43:49 PM

5.  Only the parents get to decide whom she wants to attend the birth.  Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born.

I edited this one - the mother may have the final veto power, but the new father should definitely have input.

I disagree.  This is something *completely* up to the person whose underbody is on display.  Any other person, even the child's father, gets no say in this matter.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: caranfin on March 03, 2009, 12:47:19 PM

5.  Only the parents get to decide whom she wants to attend the birth.  Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born.

I edited this one - the mother may have the final veto power, but the new father should definitely have input.

I disagree.  This is something *completely* up to the person whose underbody is on display.  Any other person, even the child's father, gets no say in this matter.

I think some of these disagreements are because to some people, "attend the birth" means "hang out at the hospital," and to others, it means "watch the delivery." I agree that if you mean "watch the delivery," the decision belongs to the woman alone.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: snowball's chance on March 03, 2009, 01:11:22 PM
Never refer to your coworker's maternity/paternity leave as "vacation".
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: caranfin on March 03, 2009, 02:17:59 PM
Never refer to your coworker's maternity/paternity leave as "vacation".

And never say "Well, if you've recovered enough to come to the Christmas party, why can't you come back to work?"
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: kareng57 on March 04, 2009, 08:07:35 PM

5.  Only the parents get to decide whom she wants to attend the birth.  Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born.

I edited this one - the mother may have the final veto power, but the new father should definitely have input.

I disagree.  This is something *completely* up to the person whose underbody is on display.  Any other person, even the child's father, gets no say in this matter.

I think some of these disagreements are because to some people, "attend the birth" means "hang out at the hospital," and to others, it means "watch the delivery." I agree that if you mean "watch the delivery," the decision belongs to the woman alone.


Personally I also think that the mom-to-be also has veto rights over who is wanting to hang-around in the waiting room.  Luckily neither of our families was into this, but I know that some families are.

If it had been me - it would have made me quite tense and anxious to know that there were a bunch of people in the waiting room.  I think that the mom does have veto rights over this.  Of course there's one sure-fire way - wait until Baby arrives before informing one-and-all.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: katycoo on March 04, 2009, 08:35:18 PM
If you're unsure as to the appropriateness of enquiring of someone their future plans re children, remeber that you're effectively asking them about their s*x life.

"Will you be having lots of extra s*x in the next few years?" 

Wouldn't ask them that?  Not close enough to ask about plans for children.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: caranfin on March 05, 2009, 10:05:38 AM
If you're unsure as to the appropriateness of enquiring of someone their future plans re children, remeber that you're effectively asking them about their s*x life.

"Will you be having lots of extra s*x in the next few years?" 

Not really. Some people have children without sex being involved at all (Caranfin raises her hand, as do a number of adoptive parents), and some people don't change the quantity of their sex when trying to conceive. That's a rather weak connection. I can assure you that anyone who wonders if you plan to have children probably couldn't care less about the way you plan to conceive them.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Squeaks on March 05, 2009, 11:04:04 AM
POD to mom's choice only.  MIL decided that she wanted to be there when Peach was born, and DH decided it wasn't such a bad idea.  *I* decided that when DH is giving birth, he's welcome to invite his mom, but when it is *my* nether regions exposed I get to decide who is there.  Heck, my SIL is medical personell, and I threw her out of the room too.  


I agree.  I would not want MY mom in the room, let alone DHs mom.  The person giving birth has all veto power.  If mom-to-be wanted someone in, but dad-to-be doesn't, there needs to be a discussion.  Mom needs the support. Fair? no. Sometimes life isn't fair.

You know, I'm starting to think dad should get some degree of veto power too.  Not willy-nilly veto power, but if he has a serious objection to someone being there, I think that has some weight.  I'm not talking about cases where he didn't always see eye to eye with mom's sister, who's also her best friend, so much as extreme cases, like if sister has been making comments about how she should take the kid and leave dad and find someone worthwhile throughout the course of the pregnancy.  Dad does have the right to not be subjected to an openly hostile environment when his kid is born.  But that may be an issue for marriage counseling, not an etiquette board ;)

This is all assuming, of course, an involved and caring dad, not some jerk who got her pregnant and took off.


This is kinda how i am feeling.  I do think that dad should have some input.  But in somewhat I think his say carries more weight for who should NOT be there than it does for who should.  If the mom is ok with a huge crowd, but dad is a bit more shy and does not want to be pushed out of the way. . . . well i think that is fair.   To me it is fair for him to not have to fight for the best seat so to speak.   

I also do think that the waiting room/delivery room/ and early stages are all very different. 

I think part of my distaste for the attitude of the dad having no say is that it feels to me like saying that his having and opinion and sharing it is selfish somehow or automatically wrong or self serving.  Maybe mom does not want anyone there, but all his sisters said how happy they were to have others there. . . sharing that opinion is not wrong. . . . it may be helpful to get others experiences.  Maybe he is scared and wants someone to help him be strong for his wife. . . I can not say that is so evil of him.  Maybe he does not like the idea of the wife being alone for even the few moment for him to go to the bathroom. . . . so he wants someone to be able to take a shift, again, not evil or bad of him.  Heck it could even be that he sees that the mom is a bit toxic and he is trying to point out that her being there might not end so well. 

I just feel that the couple should be able to discuss it. . . but at the same token, yes the guy should *get* that the woman controls who sees certain areas of the body and if he ever wants to see them again, he needs to defer to her at some point.



Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: caranfin on March 05, 2009, 11:06:46 AM
POD to mom's choice only.  MIL decided that she wanted to be there when Peach was born, and DH decided it wasn't such a bad idea.  *I* decided that when DH is giving birth, he's welcome to invite his mom, but when it is *my* nether regions exposed I get to decide who is there.  Heck, my SIL is medical personell, and I threw her out of the room too. 


I agree.  I would not want MY mom in the room, let alone DHs mom.  The person giving birth has all veto power.  If mom-to-be wanted someone in, but dad-to-be doesn't, there needs to be a discussion.  Mom needs the support. Fair? no. Sometimes life isn't fair.

You know, I'm starting to think dad should get some degree of veto power too.  Not willy-nilly veto power, but if he has a serious objection to someone being there, I think that has some weight.  I'm not talking about cases where he didn't always see eye to eye with mom's sister, who's also her best friend, so much as extreme cases, like if sister has been making comments about how she should take the kid and leave dad and find someone worthwhile throughout the course of the pregnancy.  Dad does have the right to not be subjected to an openly hostile environment when his kid is born.  But that may be an issue for marriage counseling, not an etiquette board ;)

This is all assuming, of course, an involved and caring dad, not some jerk who got her pregnant and took off.


This is kinda how i am feeling.  I do think that dad should have some input.  But in somewhat I think his say carries more weight for who should NOT be there than it does for who should.  If the mom is ok with a huge crowd, but dad is a bit more shy and does not want to be pushed out of the way. . . . well i think that is fair.   To me it is fair for him to not have to fight for the best seat so to speak.   

I also do think that the waiting room/delivery room/ and early stages are all very different. 

I think part of my distaste for the attitude of the dad having no say is that it feels to me like saying that his having and opinion and sharing it is selfish somehow or automatically wrong or self serving.  Maybe mom does not want anyone there, but all his sisters said how happy they were to have others there. . . sharing that opinion is not wrong. . . . it may be helpful to get others experiences.  Maybe he is scared and wants someone to help him be strong for his wife. . . I can not say that is so evil of him.  Maybe he does not like the idea of the wife being alone for even the few moment for him to go to the bathroom. . . . so he wants someone to be able to take a shift, again, not evil or bad of him.  Heck it could even be that he sees that the mom is a bit toxic and he is trying to point out that her being there might not end so well. 

I just feel that the couple should be able to discuss it. . . but at the same token, yes the guy should *get* that the woman controls who sees certain areas of the body and if he ever wants to see them again, he needs to defer to her at some point.

Yes, the man may have lots of very good reasons for wanting someone there to support him and give him a break. But the bottom line is that his is not the one in labor. Of course they should discuss it and she should consider his reasons. But like you said, she's the one who has the final word.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Dindrane on March 05, 2009, 11:13:09 AM
It's not just the "being on display" part of it all (though that's a big deal).  The woman giving birth should have her wishes be of primary consideration because until that child is born, she is the only patient.  Even after the child is born, she's still a patient and deserves to have her wishes adhered to.

Labor and childbirth is, I'm sure, scary for the father-to-be.  But how much scarier for the mother, who is having to do all the work and risk her life?

Basically, the parents should really listen to each other and try to come to an agreement.  But if they can't (or if, for some reason, it's not even a good idea to try), mom-to-be wins, period.  She's the one having the baby.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Just Lori on March 05, 2009, 11:15:10 AM
I know a woman who absolutely wanted her mother in the delivery room.  That's certainly her prerogative, but the MIL came in and took over, leaving the husband feeling like a third wheel during his child's birth.  While I think the mother-to-be has the right to decide who's in the room, the father's concerns are valid and should receive serious consideration.

Maybe we need to add a line that says, "If you're invited to witness a loved one's birth, make sure you give both parents enough room to fully appreciate the momentous event."  Of course, that opens a can of worms for couples where the wife is closer to her mother than her husband.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Squeaks on March 05, 2009, 11:17:01 AM

Yes, the man may have lots of very good reasons for wanting someone there to support him and give him a break. But the bottom line is that his is not the one in labor. Of course they should discuss it and she should consider his reasons. But like you said, she's the one who has the final word.

I am not saying you specifically, but I just often get a feeling that the guy's opinion does not count and he is somehow bad if he disagrees.  He should respect it, but he does not have to like it. I really do sometimes feel in these posts that people feel the guy is somehow in the wrong for sharing his opinion and doing anything but fully agreeing blindly with the mom-to-be.  

I will admit i am torn on how much final work the mom should have in a she wants everyone under the sun there, and the dad-to-be feels like that is likely to lead to him being pushed to the side.  But really in a situation like that, there maybe other issues in the relationship that need to be addressed.  

Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Lady Snowdon on March 05, 2009, 12:09:53 PM
Also, pregnancy is not a race!  It is never appropriate to tell someone "Well, so-and-so is pregnant, looks like they beat you!" or "Cousin So-and-so is talking about having kids, and they got married after you did.  Why haven't you started talking about kids?" or any other variation. 
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Tai on March 05, 2009, 02:32:25 PM

Yes, the man may have lots of very good reasons for wanting someone there to support him and give him a break. But the bottom line is that his is not the one in labor. Of course they should discuss it and she should consider his reasons. But like you said, she's the one who has the final word.

I am not saying you specifically, but I just often get a feeling that the guy's opinion does not count and he is somehow bad if he disagrees.  He should respect it, but he does not have to like it. I really do sometimes feel in these posts that people feel the guy is somehow in the wrong for sharing his opinion and doing anything but fully agreeing blindly with the mom-to-be.  

I will admit i am torn on how much final work the mom should have in a she wants everyone under the sun there, and the dad-to-be feels like that is likely to lead to him being pushed to the side.  But really in a situation like that, there maybe other issues in the rel@tionship that need to be addressed.  



I had no problem with the fact that MIL wanted to be there, and DH wanted her there because she wanted to be there.  The problem I had was the pushiness, the repeated questioning, and the "but whhyyyyyy" whininess.  I put my foot down and told DH that if I heard one more word about anyone being at the hospital (it changed from "in the delivery room", but knowing MIL she would try to bully her way in) with us then I would tell the charge nurse that NO visitors at all would be permitted. 

Therefore I propose another rule:  If you ask the MTB to be there and she says no, respect her wishes and don't push it.  Heck, if you ask the PTB anything- accept their answer and don't harass them about it!
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: L.A. Lady on March 24, 2009, 04:22:25 AM
This one is from my sister.
Please keep you opinions on weather or not to circumsize your baby boy to yourself. He isn't your son.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: mechtilde on March 24, 2009, 05:06:19 AM
I do think there are exceptions for close rel@tionships like my mother or my sister.

But a random coworker/friend/distant family member? NO.

I agree. All of my family and friends that I consider close already know that DH and I are struggling with infertility. That question can hit pretty deep and I really don't have any desire to share my feelings with strangers and acquaintances.

I would respectfully disagree. No-one should ask such a question- even if it is a mother or sister. Leave it to the individual concerned to raise the topic.

My aunt had fertility problems for 16 years. She found the constant questions about plans for children from random strangers, co-workers and friends very painful.

No-one in her family asked her. Not her mother, father, or brother (although I can't speak for her inlaws  ::)). When she did finally have the children she had longed for for so long, one of the things she said was that she was incredibly grateful that no-one in her family had ever asked her about her plans for children.

I have one other aunt, she has not had children. I have never asked her, and neither has my mother (her sister). If she wants to tell us, she can, but we're not going to invade the privacy of her, or her husband.

If the person concerned raises the issue, then yes, by all means discuss it, but allow them to do it.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: hobish on April 21, 2009, 05:31:42 PM
Quote
14.  For new parents-to-be:  Please do not assume that everyone wants to see a sonogram or video of the childbirth.  Ask your intended audience before displaying either.

It is also generally in bad taste to tell stories of where you lost your mucous plug, what your water smelled like, and how the doctor did your epesiotomy to unsuspecting people. In the same vein, people probably do not find your baby's first bowel movement nearly as fascinating as you do, so please keep details to an absolute minimum if you must share.


I could go my whole entire life without ever hearing the word epesiotomy  ever again and that would be absolutely dandy.


Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: arnadelecour on May 10, 2009, 09:01:03 PM
May I add some I have recently encountered:

Unless you are the OB, do NOT argue with a mother over stuff just because you read an article on it. I have a friend who keeps doing this to me, and she's never been pregnant.

If the mom says no baby shower, don't tell her she's having one whether she wants one or not and that it's not HER choice. Um yes it is.

Don't look up every single baby item on the baby registry and inform the mom of all the negative reviews it got. I went through literally 30 different infant seats because someone kept telling me every single one had awful reviews for safety and ease of use. I'm sorry, I can't afford a $300 infant seat from top brand.

If the mom says she wants to breastfeed, don't insist on buying her bottles and do NOT sign her up for formula stuff!!!!!!! All of a sudden I started getting samples of Enfamil....I never signed up with them. Turns out a friend signed me up because I might "change my mind.". I gave the cans to a neighbor who does formula feed. I don't want the temptation.

And I second calling the mother-to-be Mama. It drives me absolutely insane. I HATE IT!!!! My son calls me mommy, and my dh refers to me as mommy when he is talking to ds, that is it. I HATE it when I answer the phone and I hear "heya mama!". *shudder*.

When a woman asks "Do I look pregnant or just bloated?"....don't say "You don't look pregnant.". Bad idea, bad move.

When a woman is obviously enormously pregnant and hopping from foot to foot in line in the bathroom, you don't have to do this, but it would be nice if people let them move up. Babies tend to bounce on the largest organ near them, and a full bladder is just that. We aren't entitled, but it's nice to be offered.

If you are the coach, you do not get to dictate the birth plan. I might say no pain meds today, but when I am in labor, that could all change and don't you dare tell me "Remember, you said no pain meds.". Your job is to support me in whatever choice I make. If I start begging for an epi, don't you dare argue with me.

If you are in the room when the baby is born, you do not get to hold the baby before the parents and new siblings do. Sorry, but no. We are kicking everyone out so ds can have an hour or so to bond with the new baby and we can bond as a new family. And don't blow off the other siblings. Just because there is a new baby doesn't mean you get the back burner them.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: cms1978 on May 16, 2009, 05:02:15 PM
12.  The child's name is up to the parents.
So is finding out/revealing the child's gender - or not - and for that matter, announcing the pregnancy.

I'm going to park my POD here.  I got so much grief for not finding out the gender and keeping his name a surprise until he was born.  Why do people feel so entitled to horn in on decisions that are for the mother and father to make?
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: RosieRiveter on July 14, 2009, 10:40:12 AM
11.  For pregnant women:  While many things can be forgiven, "the hormones" don't constitute a "get out of responsibility to be polite" card.


I read through the thread, but didn't see this addressed (I may have missed it), but I wanted to add an addendum to this one:

11a.  Don't assume any gripe the mom-to-be has is the fault of hormones.  And especially do not TELL her that she's only upset because of her hormones - even if that's true, all you're doing is dismissing her feelings as invalid, which is rude and hurtful, and you may also be dismissing a legitimate problem that she has.

Yeah, she's going to be emotional due to hormones - she's also going to have all her regular emotions too, and those include being legitimately upset at times.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: jibby on July 14, 2009, 12:17:15 PM
I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.  ::) 
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Tosha Go on July 14, 2009, 09:53:03 PM
May I add some I have recently encountered:

If the mom says she wants to breastfeed, don't insist on buying her bottles and do NOT sign her up for formula stuff!!!!!!! All of a sudden I started getting samples of Enfamil....I never signed up with them. Turns out a friend signed me up because I might "change my mind.". I gave the cans to a neighbor who does formula feed. I don't want the temptation.


Maybe sum this up like this: Respect the mothers decision to either breast/bottlefeed.  How she nourishes her child is her business.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Corrina on July 15, 2009, 12:50:04 AM
I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.  ::) 

And its not necessarily true either. I ended up losing weight while pregnant and now am the skinniest I've been in years.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Corrina on July 15, 2009, 12:53:52 AM
May I add some I have recently encountered:

If the mom says she wants to breastfeed, don't insist on buying her bottles and do NOT sign her up for formula stuff!!!!!!! All of a sudden I started getting samples of Enfamil....I never signed up with them. Turns out a friend signed me up because I might "change my mind.". I gave the cans to a neighbor who does formula feed. I don't want the temptation.


Maybe sum this up like this: Respect the mothers decision to either breast/bottlefeed.  How she nourishes her child is her business.

While that's true, I'm also wondering what is the point where you need to say something. One of the girls I know recently had a baby that is losing weight and always hungry. This woman solely breastfeeds and she does not have the supply to properly feed her child apparently. The child was given a clean bill of health and the woman stated her doctor noticed she had very little milk supply, but "she doesn't care because she only wants to breastfeed and do 'what's best' for her child". How do you approach someone who doesn't listen to reason and isn't in fact, doing what's best for their child? I am only an acquaintance and wouldn't go to her about this as I rarely see her, but her family and friends are concerned.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: katycoo on July 15, 2009, 01:48:54 AM
While that's true, I'm also wondering what is the point where you need to say something. One of the girls I know recently had a baby that is losing weight and always hungry. This woman solely breastfeeds and she does not have the supply to properly feed her child apparently. The child was given a clean bill of health and the woman stated her doctor noticed she had very little milk supply, but "she doesn't care because she only wants to breastfeed and do 'what's best' for her child". How do you approach someone who doesn't listen to reason and isn't in fact, doing what's best for their child? I am only an acquaintance and wouldn't go to her about this as I rarely see her, but her family and friends are concerned.

In this situation I wouldn't say anything at all. 
Her doctor has given the child a clean bill of health.  Therefore it is not your place to presume to know better than the doctor.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Tosha Go on July 15, 2009, 05:48:08 AM
May I add some I have recently encountered:

If the mom says she wants to breastfeed, don't insist on buying her bottles and do NOT sign her up for formula stuff!!!!!!! All of a sudden I started getting samples of Enfamil....I never signed up with them. Turns out a friend signed me up because I might "change my mind.". I gave the cans to a neighbor who does formula feed. I don't want the temptation.


Maybe sum this up like this: Respect the mothers decision to either breast/bottlefeed.  How she nourishes her child is her business.

While that's true, I'm also wondering what is the point where you need to say something. One of the girls I know recently had a baby that is losing weight and always hungry. This woman solely breastfeeds and she does not have the supply to properly feed her child apparently. The child was given a clean bill of health and the woman stated her doctor noticed she had very little milk supply, but "she doesn't care because she only wants to breastfeed and do 'what's best' for her child". How do you approach someone who doesn't listen to reason and isn't in fact, doing what's best for their child? I am only an acquaintance and wouldn't go to her about this as I rarely see her, but her family and friends are concerned.

Hmmmm...Very Good point...not sure.  I know I had the same problem (low supply) and formula fed out of sheer exhaustion/discouragement/realization that this wasn't working, but some people won't do that.  Maybe an exception to what I said could be applied here, though I think the mother has to realize this on her own or she will only resent people interfereing.  The scenario I was envisioning was one where the child is healthy and people are forcing their opinions on the mother for no reason other than that they are nosy.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Corrina on July 17, 2009, 01:45:54 AM
While that's true, I'm also wondering what is the point where you need to say something. One of the girls I know recently had a baby that is losing weight and always hungry. This woman solely breastfeeds and she does not have the supply to properly feed her child apparently. The child was given a clean bill of health and the woman stated her doctor noticed she had very little milk supply, but "she doesn't care because she only wants to breastfeed and do 'what's best' for her child". How do you approach someone who doesn't listen to reason and isn't in fact, doing what's best for their child? I am only an acquaintance and wouldn't go to her about this as I rarely see her, but her family and friends are concerned.

In this situation I wouldn't say anything at all. 
Her doctor has given the child a clean bill of health.  Therefore it is not your place to presume to know better than the doctor.

Right, which is why I never have, or have said anything about doing so. Her family/friends, on the other hand, are not me and will say what they want. However, I was a pediatric/maternity nurse not long ago and I do know that sometimes, no matter how much a woman wants to, they just do not have the supply to breastfeed. The child was given a clean bill of health from the doctor while they were still in the hospital. He is not gaining weight and I would not be surprised if he ended up in the hospital again for failure to thrive. I've heard recently that she may be starting to think about formula since she's sick of not sleeping at all with a very hungry child, so it may be a moot point. It's just a question I've been wondering about, though, as it can border on abuse if you can't feed your child properly. I'm all for breastfeeding whenever possible, but sometimes it just isn't.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MummyPumpkin83 on September 25, 2009, 04:47:09 AM
I guess  I'm  a bit late to this discussion, but I am very interested in the differences in birthing between countries.
Here in Australia (at least where I live) you are allowed 2 or 3 (sometimes more, depending on the hospital) support people in the delivery suite with you. I chose to have my husband. There is no waiting room where families can wait while you give birth.
You arrive at the hospital, head to the delivery suite, get checked out in an examination room (generally 2 beds in this room), if you are in labour they transfer you to a delivery suite where you remain until an hour or so after the birth, then you are transferred to the room you will stay in (if you are staying at the hospital) or you can choose to go straight home.
Babies room in with mum from day one. Only sick babies go to the nursery (or if the mum has complications and can't look after the baby for some reason). Baby generally doesn't get bathed until they are over 24 hours old, and then it is usually done by mum and dad as a bonding experience.
Most public hospitals have double rooms, that is you are sharing a room with another new mother for the time you are in hospital. You are separated by a curtain for "privacy". That in itself raises etiquette issues for me, especially if your bed is the one near the door and your room mate is having visitors! When my first was born my "room mate" commented on a discussion I was having with my family from behind her curtain!
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Emmy on September 27, 2009, 12:39:00 PM
I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.  ::) 

I imagine people who are saying that are jealous of you. 

Pregnant women and new mothers to be also don't need a laundry list of the problems you think their body will have during the pregnancy and after the delivery.  I think some people love telling women that their bodies will be permanently changed for the worse. 

If a couple does not have children in the timetable you think is right, do not badger them.  "You know, you are not getting any younger" as a comment to somebody having not started a family yet is very dumb and annoying thing to say.  Nobody is getting any younger and I am sure everybody is aware of that.  Equally annoying is pointing out the age difference between you and your future kids.  When I was 25, I had somebody tell me if I waited too much longer to have kids, I'd be attending my kid's high school graduation in a walker.  It was ridiculous because I was only 25, but it would be just be as rude if I was 40 years old. 

The couple gets to decide the size of their family, whether it is 0 kids, 1 kid, 15 kids, or anything in between.  Nobody has the right to tell a couple they need to have more kids or they have had too many.

Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: bduckie on November 10, 2009, 08:40:42 PM
Do not point out that because the MTB chose to have kids, she has no right to complain about being uncomfortable.

(I have had people do this, they ask how I am, i say my feet/back ache, have heartburn etc, and they say well, you chose to get pregnant)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: JonGirl on November 11, 2009, 03:41:01 AM
If your going to be in the delivery room with the woman having the baby, at least make yourself useful.

Say me who had her uninvited MIL in there who just sat directly across from me and kept on glaring.

Still makes me cry.  >:( :( :o :-X :'(
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Mrs.E on November 11, 2009, 11:28:27 AM
I know this was in the OP but I feel the need to add it again, since it is the only real problem I have had since I have been pregnant.

Do not tell the MTB all about your episiotomy or lack there of, causing you to "rip from end to end". I have heard this story 5 times from different people.  I know it is funny to you now, but seeing as this is my first child and I have no idea what to expect, all your horror stories are freaking me out!
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: hobish on November 11, 2009, 12:31:38 PM
I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.  ::) 

I imagine people who are saying that are jealous of you.  

Pregnant women and new mothers to be also don't need a laundry list of the problems you think their body will have during the pregnancy and after the delivery.  I think some people love telling women that their bodies will be permanently changed for the worse. 

If a couple does not have children in the timetable you think is right, do not badger them.  "You know, you are not getting any younger" as a comment to somebody having not started a family yet is very dumb and annoying thing to say.  Nobody is getting any younger and I am sure everybody is aware of that.  Equally annoying is pointing out the age difference between you and your future kids.  When I was 25, I had somebody tell me if I waited too much longer to have kids, I'd be attending my kid's high school graduation in a walker.  It was ridiculous because I was only 25, but it would be just be as rude if I was 40 years old. 

The couple gets to decide the size of their family, whether it is 0 kids, 1 kid, 15 kids, or anything in between.  Nobody has the right to tell a couple they need to have more kids or they have had too many.



Why? That totally confuses me. The comments listed are completely rude, but why infer jealousy from them?



Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Glaceon on November 11, 2009, 12:48:18 PM
I do know that sometimes, no matter how much a woman wants to, they just do not have the supply to breastfeed. <snip> I'm all for breastfeeding whenever possible, but sometimes it just isn't.

That may be true, but there is a huge debate over how prevalent such problems actually are.  That is why it's no one's place to get in her business about it, unless it's to support her decision and she is open to suggestions on how to increase her supply or change techniques.  I assume if she is very pro-bf she already knows about LLL, but if not I'd suggest talking to them if she thinks she is having problems.  It is a complicated issue and they are the experts.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Emmy on November 13, 2009, 12:01:12 PM
I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.  ::) 

I imagine people who are saying that are jealous of you.  

Pregnant women and new mothers to be also don't need a laundry list of the problems you think their body will have during the pregnancy and after the delivery.  I think some people love telling women that their bodies will be permanently changed for the worse. 

If a couple does not have children in the timetable you think is right, do not badger them.  "You know, you are not getting any younger" as a comment to somebody having not started a family yet is very dumb and annoying thing to say.  Nobody is getting any younger and I am sure everybody is aware of that.  Equally annoying is pointing out the age difference between you and your future kids.  When I was 25, I had somebody tell me if I waited too much longer to have kids, I'd be attending my kid's high school graduation in a walker.  It was ridiculous because I was only 25, but it would be just be as rude if I was 40 years old. 

The couple gets to decide the size of their family, whether it is 0 kids, 1 kid, 15 kids, or anything in between.  Nobody has the right to tell a couple they need to have more kids or they have had too many.



Why? That totally confuses me. The comments listed are completely rude, but why infer jealousy from them?

I could be wrong, but often when some women get gleeful about the idea of another woman losing her nice figure, I can't help but to think that some of that wishful thinking stems from jealousy.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Lisbeth on November 13, 2009, 12:02:45 PM
I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.  ::) 

I imagine people who are saying that are jealous of you.  

Pregnant women and new mothers to be also don't need a laundry list of the problems you think their body will have during the pregnancy and after the delivery.  I think some people love telling women that their bodies will be permanently changed for the worse. 

If a couple does not have children in the timetable you think is right, do not badger them.  "You know, you are not getting any younger" as a comment to somebody having not started a family yet is very dumb and annoying thing to say.  Nobody is getting any younger and I am sure everybody is aware of that.  Equally annoying is pointing out the age difference between you and your future kids.  When I was 25, I had somebody tell me if I waited too much longer to have kids, I'd be attending my kid's high school graduation in a walker.  It was ridiculous because I was only 25, but it would be just be as rude if I was 40 years old. 

The couple gets to decide the size of their family, whether it is 0 kids, 1 kid, 15 kids, or anything in between.  Nobody has the right to tell a couple they need to have more kids or they have had too many.



Why? That totally confuses me. The comments listed are completely rude, but why infer jealousy from them?

I could be wrong, but often when some women get gleeful about the idea of another woman losing her nice figure, I can't help but to think that some of that wishful thinking stems from jealousy.

It could also just be sadism-getting a kick out of making other people suffer.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: emmalou on November 13, 2009, 02:58:48 PM
If the couple decides not to announce that they are going into labour, and is going to let people know after the baby is born and they have had a chance to bond, bath, feed and rest, please accept this with good grace  It will not really make a difference for you to wait an extra couple of hours/days for a visit, but it makes a huge difference for the couple and the baby.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Switcher on November 16, 2009, 02:17:37 PM
Not sure if this has come up yet, and I apologize if I'm being repetitive.

Expectant Mothers- Please don't grab anyone's hand and hold it to your stomach. It's just kind of awkward, especially if the movement of the baby is something that only you are capable of feeling at that time.

Outsiders- Don't tell a pregnant woman that they look like a beached whale, that they have swallowed a watermelon, or anything else that sounds like a funny way of telling them they are huge. If she has been joking about it, that's different, but don't start in with "Wow, your stomach is big".

Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Paper Roses on November 16, 2009, 07:00:25 PM
It is extremely rude to point at a pregnant woman's abdomen, widen your eyes and exclaim, "Are you SURE you're not having TRIPLETS?"  So don't do it.  Ever.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Paper Roses on November 16, 2009, 07:02:44 PM
7.  If a pregnant woman does not tell you of the birth, do not ask about it.  What happened may be too painful a subject for her and also may not be your business.

15.  Also for new parents: Please do not assume that everyone is entertained by unsolicited stories of the birth.  Keep it private unless asked for.

Don't these two contradict each other?  It's rude to talk about the birth without being asked, but it's also rude to ask?
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Lisbeth on November 16, 2009, 07:26:53 PM
7.  If a pregnant woman does not tell you of the birth, do not ask about it.  What happened may be too painful a subject for her and also may not be your business.

15.  Also for new parents: Please do not assume that everyone is entertained by unsolicited stories of the birth.  Keep it private unless asked for.

Don't these two contradict each other?  It's rude to talk about the birth without being asked, but it's also rude to ask?

Well, with number 7, I'm saying that if a pregnant woman doesn't mention the birth, it's because she may have miscarried, had an abortion, had a stillbirth, or given the child up for adoption-all of which have the potential to be really painful subjects, so it's best for the woman to initiate any discussion of what happened.

With number 15, I'm saying that not everyone is entertained by unsolicited stories of the delivery and the medical aspects, nor do they want to see videos of the birth or photos.  It's one thing to mention how happy and excited one is about one's new child, but that's as far as a new parent should go unless their audience member asks further.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Paper Roses on November 16, 2009, 10:12:51 PM
Ah, I see.  Well, then, maybe you should explain a little more in the first one.  You say "if a pregnant woman doesn't want to talk about the birth . . ." If a woman is pregnant, then "the birth" hasn't happened yet.  And you say "What happened may be . . . " yet there's no reason to believe anything has happened at all.  

So, I guess I mean I'm confused - do you mean, a formerly-pregnant woman?  Or a woman who you understood to be pregnant, but hasn't spoken about it and therefore it's possible she's somehow lost the pregnancy?


ETA:  Re #15 - I'm not disagreeing with you at all, just saying that I don't mind being asked about childbirth and don't find it rude to be asked. 
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Lisbeth on November 16, 2009, 10:35:10 PM
Ah, I see.  Well, then, maybe you should explain a little more in the first one.  You say "if a pregnant woman doesn't want to talk about the birth . . ." If a woman is pregnant, then "the birth" hasn't happened yet.  And you say "What happened may be . . . " yet there's no reason to believe anything has happened at all. 

So, I guess I mean I'm confused - do you mean, a formerly-pregnant woman?  Or a woman who you understood to be pregnant, but hasn't spoken about it and therefore it's possible she's somehow lost the pregnancy?

Yes, exactly.  A woman who was pregnant but did not announce the birth.

Quote
ETA:  Re #15 - I'm not disagreeing with you at all, just saying that I don't mind being asked about childbirth and don't find it rude to be asked. 

Well, #15 is from the point of view that the woman's audience may not want to have to suck it up watching ultrasounds, videos, etc. that the proud new parents forced on them.  They should be asked and not taken for granted that they want to see them.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Paper Roses on November 16, 2009, 10:50:24 PM
ETA:  Re #15 - I'm not disagreeing with you at all, just saying that I don't mind being asked about childbirth and don't find it rude to be asked. 

Well, #15 is from the point of view that the woman's audience may not want to have to suck it up watching ultrasounds, videos, etc. that the proud new parents forced on them.  They should be asked and not taken for granted that they want to see them.

Oh, I agree completely - the only reason I questioned it was when I read it in relation to the one about not asking about a birth, it seemed as though you were saying that it was rude to tell without being asked but it was also rude to ask, and that's why they seemed to contradict each other. 

I do agree that it's rude to assume that anyone and everyone will be enthralled with a minute-by-minute recap of one's birth experience. 

But if someone really does want to hear about it, and believe it or not, there are some who do, I don't think it's rude to ask, nor is it rude to tell about it if you are asked.

But now that I've read the qualifiers for the first one, I get that what you meant and what I interpreted are not the same thing anyway, so it's beside the point (my comment, that is).
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Switcher on November 18, 2009, 09:00:40 AM
I just discovered a new one o.O

Pregnant Women- Please do not use your stomach as a battering ram. Having someone run in to you with their stomach is never fun- having them run in to you with a really large stomach full of baby is just awkward. I'm more than happy to move if you need me to, bumping against me repeatedly with your tummy is a little barbaric.

Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Mrs.E on November 18, 2009, 09:34:36 AM
I just discovered a new one o.O

Pregnant Women- Please do not use your stomach as a battering ram. Having someone run in to you with their stomach is never fun- having them run in to you with a really large stomach full of baby is just awkward. I'm more than happy to move if you need me to, bumping against me repeatedly with your tummy is a little barbaric.



Really?? People do that? I have become more careful not to touch anybody with my big belly! I bet it is slightly uncomfortable to be hit with a belly that is full of baby!
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Switcher on November 18, 2009, 09:38:58 AM
Thankfully it was only my future sister in law...I hope she doesn't do it to strangers! But yes, it does kind of hurt a little...kind of like being hit in the small of the back with a watermelon.

Glad you don't do it with your tummy :)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: NOVA Lady on November 18, 2009, 10:37:42 AM
Thankfully it was only my future sister in law...I hope she doesn't do it to strangers! But yes, it does kind of hurt a little...kind of like being hit in the small of the back with a watermelon.

Glad you don't do it with your tummy :)

These turn into the folks who use their strollers, with baby in them, to stop traffic!
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Hazelthyme on November 18, 2009, 11:51:56 AM
ETA:  Re #15 - I'm not disagreeing with you at all, just saying that I don't mind being asked about childbirth and don't find it rude to be asked. 

Well, #15 is from the point of view that the woman's audience may not want to have to suck it up watching ultrasounds, videos, etc. that the proud new parents forced on them.  They should be asked and not taken for granted that they want to see them.

Oh, I agree completely - the only reason I questioned it was when I read it in relation to the one about not asking about a birth, it seemed as though you were saying that it was rude to tell without being asked but it was also rude to ask, and that's why they seemed to contradict each other. 

I do agree that it's rude to assume that anyone and everyone will be enthralled with a minute-by-minute recap of one's birth experience. 

But if someone really does want to hear about it, and believe it or not, there are some who do, I don't think it's rude to ask, nor is it rude to tell about it if you are asked.

But now that I've read the qualifiers for the first one, I get that what you meant and what I interpreted are not the same thing anyway, so it's beside the point (my comment, that is).

I think what it boils down to is, detailed birth stories are one of those things that make at least some people uncomfortable, some of the time ... so both the mother and the person she's speaking with should be aware of this, and tread carefully.  If you're in a public place, where others might overhear you without wanting to, that's not the time.  If you're somewhere private, and both parties are willing to talk about it, that's fine, so long as neither puts the other in the position of hearing/ asking for TMI.  In other words, unless this is your sister or BFF or someone who already knows your boundaries (and vice-versa), you can start out with something fairly vague like, "Did the delivery go smoothly?" or "Gee, it was a pretty tough birth," and then leave it at that *unless* the other person clearly indicates that they want more details.

-HB
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: claddagh lass on November 22, 2009, 02:12:39 PM
If the unthinkable were to happen and the child were to pass on do not tell the parents to forget about it because they can have another child.

Let the parents lead the dance and do not pry for information.  Let them reveal the information as they see fit.

Do not press the parents to have other children.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Orisha on December 15, 2009, 05:51:58 PM
While grandchildren are a wonderful blessing, they are not something you are "owed" by your adult children.  Whether your children and their partners are child-free by choice or for some other reason, they don't want to hear all about what a disappointment this is to you, or for you to try to change their minds.  

POD.  To add to that, grandparents should be mindful that they are not the baby's mother or father and unless the welfare of the child is genuinely at stake, they should keep criticisms of their offsprings' parenting skills to themselves.  (With an exception for solicited advice.)  Grandparents have had the opportunity to raise their own children.  Now it is time for them to step off and allow their children to do the same.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: RedRuby on December 15, 2009, 06:47:55 PM
I know this was in the OP but I feel the need to add it again, since it is the only real problem I have had since I have been pregnant.

Do not tell the MTB all about your episiotomy or lack there of, causing you to "rip from end to end". I have heard this story 5 times from different people.  I know it is funny to you now, but seeing as this is my first child and I have no idea what to expect, all your horror stories are freaking me out!

I experienced the same thing! I think some people think that since something happened to them that it means it happens to most people and that's not always the case. I think maybe some people get a kick out scaring moms-to-be. If it makes you feel any better, I know WAY more women who've had positive experiences than bad experiences in this arena.

Someone earlier in the thread mentioned that you shouldn't lecture anyone about circumcision. Pod. It is an extremely personal decision with pros and cons on both sides so it's best left private.

One thing I learned from having my baby recently was that some people are so worried about bothering the new parents that they avoid them completely and the parents may not want that. We spent days after we first got home from the hospital calling/emailing friends letting them know not only was it ok for them to come visit, we wanted them to. We wanted to show our little guy off to our friends and were sad we weren't being given the chance to do so. I think the best thing to do in this situation is to ask if the parents want visitors either way and then believe them.

Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Azrail on December 16, 2009, 06:12:04 PM
1-) If a woman is breastfeeding and expresses her preferences to do it privately/not have any males see, don't exclaim 'But it's naaturallllllllllll!/But it's just you're husband's nephew!/any other type of dismissive comment while opening the door/curtain/yelling out that the unwanted people can come into the room, leaving the breastfeeding woman scuffling to protect her modesty.

2-) If you are in a breastfeeding woman's home and you do not want to see the breast, please feel free to go home/leave the room, instead of crying out 'Oh, no!' and making a song and dance of covering your eyes and turning your back.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: RedRuby on December 16, 2009, 06:17:12 PM
1-) If a woman is breastfeeding and expresses her preferences to do it privately/not have any males see, don't exclaim 'But it's naaturallllllllllll!/But it's just you're husband's nephew!/any other type of dismissive comment while opening the door/curtain/yelling out that the unwanted people can come into the room, leaving the breastfeeding woman scuffling to protect her modesty.

2-) If you are in a breastfeeding woman's home and you do not want to see the breast, please feel free to go home/leave the room, instead of crying out 'Oh, no!' and making a song and dance of covering your eyes and turning your back.

YES!
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Mrs.E on December 20, 2009, 05:11:40 PM
I know this was in the OP but I feel the need to add it again, since it is the only real problem I have had since I have been pregnant.

Do not tell the MTB all about your episiotomy or lack there of, causing you to "rip from end to end". I have heard this story 5 times from different people.  I know it is funny to you now, but seeing as this is my first child and I have no idea what to expect, all your horror stories are freaking me out!

I experienced the same thing! I think some people think that since something happened to them that it means it happens to most people and that's not always the case. I think maybe some people get a kick out scaring moms-to-be. If it makes you feel any better, I know WAY more women who've had positive experiences than bad experiences in this arena.

Someone earlier in the thread mentioned that you shouldn't lecture anyone about circumcision. Pod. It is an extremely personal decision with pros and cons on both sides so it's best left private.

One thing I learned from having my baby recently was that some people are so worried about bothering the new parents that they avoid them completely and the parents may not want that. We spent days after we first got home from the hospital calling/emailing friends letting them know not only was it ok for them to come visit, we wanted them to. We wanted to show our little guy off to our friends and were sad we weren't being given the chance to do so. I think the best thing to do in this situation is to ask if the parents want visitors either way and then believe them.



Thank you! I switched from a doctor to a midwife about 3 weeks ago and she told me that her percentage rate on tearing or episiotomies is under 5%, so I am very comfortable now!
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: RedRuby on December 20, 2009, 06:07:04 PM
I know this was in the OP but I feel the need to add it again, since it is the only real problem I have had since I have been pregnant.

Do not tell the MTB all about your episiotomy or lack there of, causing you to "rip from end to end". I have heard this story 5 times from different people.  I know it is funny to you now, but seeing as this is my first child and I have no idea what to expect, all your horror stories are freaking me out!

I experienced the same thing! I think some people think that since something happened to them that it means it happens to most people and that's not always the case. I think maybe some people get a kick out scaring moms-to-be. If it makes you feel any better, I know WAY more women who've had positive experiences than bad experiences in this arena.

Someone earlier in the thread mentioned that you shouldn't lecture anyone about circumcision. Pod. It is an extremely personal decision with pros and cons on both sides so it's best left private.

One thing I learned from having my baby recently was that some people are so worried about bothering the new parents that they avoid them completely and the parents may not want that. We spent days after we first got home from the hospital calling/emailing friends letting them know not only was it ok for them to come visit, we wanted them to. We wanted to show our little guy off to our friends and were sad we weren't being given the chance to do so. I think the best thing to do in this situation is to ask if the parents want visitors either way and then believe them.



Thank you! I switched from a doctor to a midwife about 3 weeks ago and she told me that her percentage rate on tearing or episiotomies is under 5%, so I am very comfortable now!

I'm glad to hear it! I had the same fear and was able to find a doctor with a similar rate (I made it through with no epi or tearing so I really, really, really want him to deliver all my children!).
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: livluvlaf on August 30, 2010, 05:11:55 PM
Being pregnant is not a spectator sport .... I know my body is changing is shape & size. You don't need to scrutinize & make comment about my appearance with each new time you see me. Positive or negative, it still makes me feel scrutinized and judged. My body will do whatever it need to do to produce a healthy baby, I have little control over certain physical characteristics. Pregnancy - It is what it is.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: JonGirl on August 31, 2010, 06:16:08 AM
While grandchildren are a wonderful blessing, they are not something you are "owed" by your adult children.  Whether your children and their partners are child-free by choice or for some other reason, they don't want to hear all about what a disappointment this is to you, or for you to try to change their minds.  

POD.  To add to that, grandparents should be mindful that they are not the baby's mother or father and unless the welfare of the child is genuinely at stake, they should keep criticisms of their offsprings' parenting skills to themselves.  (With an exception for solicited advice.)  Grandparents have had the opportunity to raise their own children.  Now it is time for them to step off and allow their children to do the same.

P diddly od.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: sweetgirl on August 31, 2010, 08:02:37 AM
I have a few more.

Do not assume that because you have had a child or children, and have used your methods with them to success that other mothers or new mums want you forcing them onto them. It is fine to offer advice when asked but do so in a matter that is offering a new way to do something,not making them feel stupid or incompetant cause they didnt know or have chosen another way to do it. Alternatively saying to them "i told you months ago to try that" is also not helpful.

Dont insist to mothers,regardless of if its in a joking tone, all that they have to look forward too in their upcoming pregnancies. While alot of women get pregnancy symptoms some dont. Not every woman is going to get morning sickness,put on a bunch of weight,waddle like a duck or crave weird things. Also saying "summer baby? pwoar. the heats going to kill you" isn't helpful either.

Pregnant women,while we know your body is going through alot, we also don't want to hear you constantly whinge about how you are sick of the pregnancy and detailed lists of what you are going through. If I ask you how you are feeling then fine, but I dont want to hear it every day. Those who haven't had babies aren't always going to be able to sympathise, and those who have had babies have been there before too.

It is not your business to lecture or dictate what the current medical birthing board, whatever says you should be doing with your child. If you choose to follow everything by the book then thats your perogodiv,but if someone chooses to do it less strictly and their way...thats their choice. If there child is thriving and growing, then they are obviously okay regardless of what "your" midwife has suggested to do.

Don't ask somebody their feeding methods if you are not going to respect their decision or are going to go on a tangent of why "breast is best" or "formula is easier".....it doesn't matter. Its not your business. Its not your business. Its not your business.

Dont gloat. About anything. Your child may have the best the market advises in cot,wing whatever. If you can afford that great. SOme of us don't require it, or will buy a 2nd hand used one. Someobdy who has had a difficult pregnancy or delivery doesnt want you mentioning it everytime you talk about kids how easy you had it. In the same fashion, somebody who hs had a realively easy pregnancy, does not want to be made to feel bad because they didnt go through 35 hours of labour or 4 mths of morning sickness.

Its not a competition. Children develop at their own rates. Dont be dissappointed that my child was walking by a certain age, and yours hasn't. They will when they want too. But also don't ask me when my kid did this by and then say "oh baby einstein did that at this month" to make me feel like my child isn't progressing the way they should.

DO NOT use the excuse you are eating for 2 for gluttony. While you can indulge in cravings, and eat what makes YOU feel better if you are going through nausea etc; you should not be eating double serves of meals everytime or eating junk food prominetly because "baby" wanted it. That may be fine once or twice a week,but not every single day. I'm pretty sure baby wants a nie balanced meal once in a while too.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MaggieB on August 31, 2010, 10:02:36 AM
DO NOT use the excuse you are eating for 2 for gluttony. While you can indulge in cravings, and eat what makes YOU feel better if you are going through nausea etc; you should not be eating double serves of meals everytime or eating junk food prominetly because "baby" wanted it. That may be fine once or twice a week,but not every single day. I'm pretty sure baby wants a nie balanced meal once in a while too.

I agree with most of your previous post, but the part I quoted really isn't an etiquette issue.  What a woman does or does not eat throughout her pregnancy is really between her and her doctor.  It may not be healthy to eat everything in sight, but it isn't impolite.  It's ruder to pay that much attention to what another woman is eating.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: sweetgirl on August 31, 2010, 10:23:40 AM
maggie B I agree with you. I actually dont notice what my pregnant friends and relatives eat because they tend to eat normally, with the odd craving chucked in. My surrogant niece however is on fb constantly remarking on her food habits and what she is eating and I find it amusing that she was complaining she was getting "fat" at 8 weeks pregnant with the foods she was eating. I know she isn't taking baby vitamins either however not my business so I don't say anything. I just wonder how many women who complain that they put on so much weight while pregnant used the "i'm eating for 2" statement.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MaggieB on August 31, 2010, 10:27:59 AM
maggie B I agree with you. I actually dont notice what my pregnant friends and relatives eat because they tend to eat normally, with the odd craving chucked in. My surrogant niece however is on fb constantly remarking on her food habits and what she is eating and I find it amusing that she was complaining she was getting "fat" at 8 weeks pregnant with the foods she was eating. I know she isn't taking baby vitamins either however not my business so I don't say anything. I just wonder how many women who complain that they put on so much weight while pregnant used the "i'm eating for 2" statement.

Oh, I certainly didn't mean to call you rude.  It is hard not to notice, especially with Facebook and all that.   :)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Auntie Mame on September 01, 2010, 12:40:21 PM
I do know that sometimes, no matter how much a woman wants to, they just do not have the supply to breastfeed. <snip> I'm all for breastfeeding whenever possible, but sometimes it just isn't.

That may be true, but there is a huge debate over how prevalent such problems actually are.  That is why it's no one's place to get in her business about it, unless it's to support her decision and she is open to suggestions on how to increase her supply or change techniques.  I assume if she is very pro-bf she already knows about LLL, but if not I'd suggest talking to them if she thinks she is having problems.  It is a complicated issue and they are the experts.

Those women were HORRIBLE to my SIL and made her cry.  I know many other women who felt attacked by the LLL.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Mopsy428 on September 06, 2010, 12:03:25 PM
I'm not sure why having a surprise shower is rude. Most of the showers I've been to--baby and wedding--have been surprises. Of course, just because that's how it's done in my neck of the woods doesn't mean that it's right, but I've never heard of a surprise shower being rude.

Other things:

-Do not call the parents-to-be while the Mom is in labor to ask stupid questions like "Are you going to your brother Jim's wedding in 6 months?"...or any other questions for that matter.

-Do not assume that if the mother has been in labor for awhile that there is a serious problem, and then proceed to call people and whip them up in a frenzy of panic.

And yes, I've seen people do this.  ::)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: bduckie on September 06, 2010, 09:51:29 PM
Please don't ask the mother when they are having their next while she is still in the hospital after the first!

Seriously, give her time to recover.

(this happened to me, both from visitors and hospital staff. I mean really, give me at least a week to get over this one first. I think the worst was the midwife whilst I was still in the birthing suite, literally less than an hour after birth  ::) )
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: dawnfire on September 07, 2010, 08:06:54 AM

Those women were HORRIBLE to my SIL and made her cry.  I know many other women who felt attacked by the LLL.

that's why i'm reluctant to contact the LLL when i had problems with lactation.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MrsJWine on September 07, 2010, 08:16:05 AM
Don't tell a woman who has needed C-sections that if she'd only done X, Y, or Z, it would have turned out differently.  Are many C-sections done in this country unnecessary?  Yes, but not all of them, and it's not an outsider's business to speculate on a friend's situation, especially if she's already feeling sadness and self-doubt over the whole thing.  It's also not helpful to tell someone who is a little sad over it that she has a healthy baby, and she'd better be grateful for that, at least.  One can be both delighted and happy with the healthy baby and disappointed and sad over the way she got that baby.  Human beings can have more than one emotion at once.  If she's depressed, or if her disappointment rules her life, she may need counseling or a new perspective on things, but it's not helpful to be a jerk about it, and a small amount of disappointment is totally normal and natural.


Those women were HORRIBLE to my SIL and made her cry.  I know many other women who felt attacked by the LLL.

that's why i'm reluctant to contact the LLL when i had problems with lactation.

I see them as a useful tool.  They have so much knowledge that it's a shame to pass it up, but I'd never invest in a group emotionally.  I use their website for its information, and that's it.  My supply has started dwindling over the last couple of months, and I've done everything I can.  My daughter is thriving quite nicely despite my having to give her formula each evening.  So far, she has not sprouted any extra limbs or gotten any brain damage.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: ginlyn32 on September 07, 2010, 12:15:27 PM
Do not comment on how other people decide to help the new mother, especially if the new mother is a single mom. She doesn't have the support of a SO, she needs someone to help her!

DH after his boss's daughter gave birth, was complaining how he and his wife both took a week off work to stay home and help with the baby. His daughter is 25yo, single, and it's her first baby, and their first grandbaby. So...yeah. I can totally see why they'd want to help.

He said "she just gave birth...it's not that bad". Yeah...So I asked him when the last time he had a baby...oh yeah, that's right...NEVER!

ginlyn
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Asha on November 15, 2010, 06:05:41 PM
Another addition out of DH's and my own experience - Don't tell couples who are expecting their first child how they had better enjoy sleeping in / travelling / freedom now because it's all gone once the baby is born.  Every birth and baby are different and every family handles their new time management their own way.

Under the umbrella of "keep your opinions to yourself unless specfically asked" - Don't tell new parents to be how naive they are being.

And finally - Don't assume the the FTB is clueless about what the MTB wants.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Emmy on November 25, 2010, 09:31:49 AM
DO NOT use the excuse you are eating for 2 for gluttony. While you can indulge in cravings, and eat what makes YOU feel better if you are going through nausea etc; you should not be eating double serves of meals everytime or eating junk food prominetly because "baby" wanted it. That may be fine once or twice a week,but not every single day. I'm pretty sure baby wants a nie balanced meal once in a while too.

I agree with most of your previous post, but the part I quoted really isn't an etiquette issue.  What a woman does or does not eat throughout her pregnancy is really between her and her doctor.  It may not be healthy to eat everything in sight, but it isn't impolite.  It's ruder to pay that much attention to what another woman is eating.

POD.  On the other hand, be respectful if a pregnant woman says she is not hungry or is not eating as much as you think she should.  Especially do not make comments about how the mother is starving the baby or how the mother thinks her figure is more important than the baby's health.  What and how much a woman chooses to eat during pregnancy is between her and her doctor. 

A woman I know (who delivered a healthy weight baby) said her MIL was talking to the baby and said "you poor thing, you are so skinny because your mommy didn't want to gain too much weight".

Another addition out of DH's and my own experience - Don't tell couples who are expecting their first child how they had better enjoy sleeping in / travelling / freedom now because it's all gone once the baby is born.  Every birth and baby are different and every family handles their new time management their own way.

Under the umbrella of "keep your opinions to yourself unless specfically asked" - Don't tell new parents to be how naive they are being.

And finally - Don't assume the the FTB is clueless about what the MTB wants.

I'll also POD this.

I think misery loves company.  Why do so many people get pleasure out of telling new parents horror stories about the birthing process/being parents?
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MrsJWine on November 25, 2010, 09:56:22 AM
Whenever people told me that, I tell them that IF I ate [insert food--pretty much any food--here], I WOULD be sick, and then the baby wouldn't even have what I'd eaten earlier that day.  I gained a total of six pounds with my second pregnancy (I lost about 15 first trimester).  I still had an 8-lb baby three weeks early.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: pendragon1980 on November 25, 2010, 01:08:59 PM
While grandchildren are a wonderful blessing, they are not something you are "owed" by your adult children.  Whether your children and their partners are child-free by choice or for some other reason, they don't want to hear all about what a disappointment this is to you, or for you to try to change their minds.  

slight hijack...

I may be saving this quote for later on, snowball, since DH and I are discussing keep our family to us two plus pets, and my only other sibling cannot have children due to medical issues.  I think the fact I'm the only available child to have grandchildren puts me in a tight spot, whether or not we want them.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: LadyR on February 05, 2011, 11:54:22 PM
A pregnant woman is a person. She is not just a gestational carrier. It is polite to ask her how she is doing, about her work/interest/life, instead of just asking about the baby.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Hollanda on January 30, 2012, 08:37:29 AM
A pregnant woman is a person. She is not just a gestational carrier. It is polite to ask her how she is doing, about her work/interest/life, instead of just asking about the baby.

Just read this and felt the need to bump it back up.

Pod to the above. Also, a mother is not JUST a mother. She still has her own brain cells (just about!), her own mind and her own personality. Assuming that a new mother does nothing but look after the baby can be a dangerous assumption...dangerous in that it assumes that the mother has lost her identity completely.  Balance is the key issue and mums need to be able to talk to adults about things not related to their little bundle of joy.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: BabylonSister on January 30, 2012, 05:48:39 PM
Upon hearing that a woman is pregnant again shortly after having given birth, or while already having a large number of children, do not ask "Don't you know what's causing that?" or say "You need to buy a TV." You're not funny.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: bduckie on January 30, 2012, 09:02:30 PM
Upon hearing that a woman is pregnant again shortly after having given birth, or while already having a large number of children, do not ask "Don't you know what's causing that?" or say "You need to buy a TV." You're not funny.
My answer to something like that is to keep a dead serious face, and with sincere curiousity ask "No, what does cause that?"  >:D
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: hellgirl on January 30, 2012, 11:16:31 PM
Upon hearing that a woman is pregnant again shortly after having given birth, or while already having a large number of children, do not ask "Don't you know what's causing that?" or say "You need to buy a TV." You're not funny.
My answer to something like that is to keep a dead serious face, and with sincere curiousity ask "No, what does cause that?"  >:D

My answer, with a straight face, was "Yes. I'm pretty sure it's the sex."
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: lollylegs on February 03, 2012, 02:20:20 AM
5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this; I know two women who didn't want the father of the child in the delivery room (in both cases it was the woman's husband, ie attentive partners, not deadbeat or absent fathers). One of them changed her mind, but the other stood firm and her husband had to wait outside. So. Do attentive partners have a right to be in the delivery room?
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: katycoo on February 03, 2012, 05:43:17 AM
5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this; I know two women who didn't want the father of the child in the delivery room (in both cases it was the woman's husband, ie attentive partners, not deadbeat or absent fathers). One of them changed her mind, but the other stood firm and her husband had to wait outside. So. Do attentive partners have a right to be in the delivery room?

No.  No one has the right to be present at a medical procedure except the patient and the professional of choice.  That said, I can't imagine NOT wanting my DH to be there...
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Auntie Mame on February 03, 2012, 02:46:15 PM
5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this; I know two women who didn't want the father of the child in the delivery room (in both cases it was the woman's husband, ie attentive partners, not deadbeat or absent fathers). One of them changed her mind, but the other stood firm and her husband had to wait outside. So. Do attentive partners have a right to be in the delivery room?

No.  No one has the right to be present at a medical procedure except the patient and the professional of choice.  That said, I can't imagine NOT wanting my DH to be there...

I wouldn't judge her too quickly.  He may have be a loving, attentive father and husband, but that doesn't mean he's good in a crisis.  Some men simply can not deal with the stress of watching their wife deliver (no judgement on the, I'm sure it's pretty scary) and end up being more of a hindrance than a help.  A woman in labor does have the time or energy to comfort anyone, and the medical staff should be focused on her, not an hysterical husband.

Just a different perspective.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: katycoo on February 06, 2012, 02:39:33 AM
5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this; I know two women who didn't want the father of the child in the delivery room (in both cases it was the woman's husband, ie attentive partners, not deadbeat or absent fathers). One of them changed her mind, but the other stood firm and her husband had to wait outside. So. Do attentive partners have a right to be in the delivery room?

No.  No one has the right to be present at a medical procedure except the patient and the professional of choice.  That said, I can't imagine NOT wanting my DH to be there...

I wouldn't judge her too quickly.  He may have be a loving, attentive father and husband, but that doesn't mean he's good in a crisis.  Some men simply can not deal with the stress of watching their wife deliver (no judgement on the, I'm sure it's pretty scary) and end up being more of a hindrance than a help.  A woman in labor does have the time or energy to comfort anyone, and the medical staff should be focused on her, not an hysterical husband.

Just a different perspective.

Judge?  Was that directed at me?
I was merely stating a thought relative to my own marriage, not that I couldn't fathom any circumstance ever where a father's presence may be unwanted.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: lollylegs on February 06, 2012, 04:09:28 AM
5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this; I know two women who didn't want the father of the child in the delivery room (in both cases it was the woman's husband, ie attentive partners, not deadbeat or absent fathers). One of them changed her mind, but the other stood firm and her husband had to wait outside. So. Do attentive partners have a right to be in the delivery room?

No.  No one has the right to be present at a medical procedure except the patient and the professional of choice.  That said, I can't imagine NOT wanting my DH to be there...

I wouldn't judge her too quickly.  He may have be a loving, attentive father and husband, but that doesn't mean he's good in a crisis.  Some men simply can not deal with the stress of watching their wife deliver (no judgement on the, I'm sure it's pretty scary) and end up being more of a hindrance than a help.  A woman in labor does have the time or energy to comfort anyone, and the medical staff should be focused on her, not an hysterical husband.

Just a different perspective.

Judge?  Was that directed at me?
I was merely stating a thought relative to my own marriage, not that I couldn't fathom any circumstance ever where a father's presence may be unwanted.

And if it was directed at me, I don't judge her at all. I've given birth myself and no way was anyone coming in that room without my say so. However, my heart absolutely broke for the father who so desperately wanted to be there for the birth of his daughter and couldn't. It's a tricky one, that's why I was interested in hearing other peoples opinions.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Auntie Mame on February 06, 2012, 10:41:45 AM
5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this; I know two women who didn't want the father of the child in the delivery room (in both cases it was the woman's husband, ie attentive partners, not deadbeat or absent fathers). One of them changed her mind, but the other stood firm and her husband had to wait outside. So. Do attentive partners have a right to be in the delivery room?

No.  No one has the right to be present at a medical procedure except the patient and the professional of choice.  That said, I can't imagine NOT wanting my DH to be there...

I wouldn't judge her too quickly.  He may have be a loving, attentive father and husband, but that doesn't mean he's good in a crisis.  Some men simply can not deal with the stress of watching their wife deliver (no judgement on the, I'm sure it's pretty scary) and end up being more of a hindrance than a help.  A woman in labor does have the time or energy to comfort anyone, and the medical staff should be focused on her, not an hysterical husband.

Just a different perspective.

Judge?  Was that directed at me?
I was merely stating a thought relative to my own marriage, not that I couldn't fathom any circumstance ever where a father's presence may be unwanted.

And if it was directed at me, I don't judge her at all. I've given birth myself and no way was anyone coming in that room without my say so. However, my heart absolutely broke for the father who so desperately wanted to be there for the birth of his daughter and couldn't. It's a tricky one, that's why I was interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

WOAH! Just offering another perspective.  Defensiveness not necessary.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: lollylegs on February 06, 2012, 10:35:17 PM
5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this; I know two women who didn't want the father of the child in the delivery room (in both cases it was the woman's husband, ie attentive partners, not deadbeat or absent fathers). One of them changed her mind, but the other stood firm and her husband had to wait outside. So. Do attentive partners have a right to be in the delivery room?

No.  No one has the right to be present at a medical procedure except the patient and the professional of choice.  That said, I can't imagine NOT wanting my DH to be there...

I wouldn't judge her too quickly.  He may have be a loving, attentive father and husband, but that doesn't mean he's good in a crisis.  Some men simply can not deal with the stress of watching their wife deliver (no judgement on the, I'm sure it's pretty scary) and end up being more of a hindrance than a help.  A woman in labor does have the time or energy to comfort anyone, and the medical staff should be focused on her, not an hysterical husband.

Just a different perspective.

Judge?  Was that directed at me?
I was merely stating a thought relative to my own marriage, not that I couldn't fathom any circumstance ever where a father's presence may be unwanted.

And if it was directed at me, I don't judge her at all. I've given birth myself and no way was anyone coming in that room without my say so. However, my heart absolutely broke for the father who so desperately wanted to be there for the birth of his daughter and couldn't. It's a tricky one, that's why I was interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

WOAH! Just offering another perspective.  Defensiveness not necessary.

Sorry, I wasn't getting defensive, although I can see how it reads that way. Just responding to your comment, and thought I was being clever by repeating the poster before me.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: hobish on February 07, 2012, 09:45:58 AM

I don’t think it is etiquette’s business to decide who gets to decide who is in the room at that point. If ever there was a personal moment that is it.

Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Fer on February 20, 2012, 04:46:19 PM
I have another one to add, if I may:

If you (or somebody close to you) had a blissfully easy pregnancy and were fit and active right up until the day you delivered, that's wonderful.  But don't throw that experience in the face of others who may be ill, exhausted, etc.  Every pregnancy is different, and those stories/attitudes can make the newly expectant mother feel even worse than she already does.

==

I'm 8 weeks into my first pregnancy, tired and sick, and strangely hearing stories about my dear MiL working on the farm and chopping wood right up until she went into labour doesn't make me feel better.  Funny that...   ::)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MrsJWine on February 20, 2012, 04:52:17 PM
I'm 8 weeks into my first pregnancy, tired and sick, and strangely hearing stories about my dear MiL working on the farm and chopping wood right up until she went into labour doesn't make me feel better.  Funny that...   ::)

I bet you a hundred dollars it didn't happen like that. My children are 16 months apart. In that short period of time, I had already forgotten the more unpleasant aspects of pregnancy that I'd gone through with the first. I don't doubt that at one time most women worked harder through pregnancy than we do now, but I do doubt that it was a magical experience for them. Physical exertion might make you feel better (especially during first trimester), but getting yourself to do it if it's not a necessity is easier said than done.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Fer on February 20, 2012, 05:57:36 PM
LOL - I'm sure you're right about it not being all sunshine and rainbows!   :) 

But hearing about superwoman is still the last thing I want to hear when I'm feeling green and don't have the energy to move off the sofa once I get home from work.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: lollylegs on February 20, 2012, 07:05:44 PM
I have another one to add, if I may:

If you (or somebody close to you) had a blissfully easy pregnancy and were fit and active right up until the day you delivered, that's wonderful.  But don't throw that experience in the face of others who may be ill, exhausted, etc.  Every pregnancy is different, and those stories/attitudes can make the newly expectant mother feel even worse than she already does.

==

I'm 8 weeks into my first pregnancy, tired and sick, and strangely hearing stories about my dear MiL working on the farm and chopping wood right up until she went into labour doesn't make me feel better.  Funny that...   ::)

I'd also like to add, don't brush off a woman's concerns about childbirth because women in less developed areas give birth in the tobacco fields, or whatever.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MrsJWine on February 20, 2012, 07:12:29 PM
I'm pretty sure those stories about women giving birth in the fields and then going straight back to work are a myth. I can't even begin to imagine how that's physically possible. And I don't mean toughness-wise.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: jemma on February 20, 2012, 07:26:16 PM
5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this; I know two women who didn't want the father of the child in the delivery room (in both cases it was the woman's husband, ie attentive partners, not deadbeat or absent fathers). One of them changed her mind, but the other stood firm and her husband had to wait outside. So. Do attentive partners have a right to be in the delivery room?

No.  No one has the right to be present at a medical procedure except the patient and the professional of choice.  That said, I can't imagine NOT wanting my DH to be there...

I wouldn't judge her too quickly.  He may have be a loving, attentive father and husband, but that doesn't mean he's good in a crisis.  Some men simply can not deal with the stress of watching their wife deliver (no judgement on the, I'm sure it's pretty scary) and end up being more of a hindrance than a help.  A woman in labor does have the time or energy to comfort anyone, and the medical staff should be focused on her, not an hysterical husband.

Just a different perspective.

Judge?  Was that directed at me?
I was merely stating a thought relative to my own marriage, not that I couldn't fathom any circumstance ever where a father's presence may be unwanted.

And if it was directed at me, I don't judge her at all. I've given birth myself and no way was anyone coming in that room without my say so. However, my heart absolutely broke for the father who so desperately wanted to be there for the birth of his daughter and couldn't. It's a tricky one, that's why I was interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

WOAH! Just offering another perspective.  Defensiveness not necessary.

Sorry, I wasn't getting defensive, although I can see how it reads that way. Just responding to your comment, and thought I was being clever by repeating the poster before me.

Don't judge other people's relationships based on who they do and don't allow to see them give birth.     ;)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Danismom on February 20, 2012, 07:39:34 PM
I agree that the mother (with some input from the father) get to decide who is in the delivery room.  However, I think it is rude for parents to think they get to say who can or cannot occupy the public spaces of hospital waiting rooms.  The patient room belongs to the patient.  The rest of the hospital does not.  Provided those in the waiting room are not causing problems in the hospital, the new parents only get to dictate who sees their baby, when, and who comes into the patient room.

On the other hand, if your loved ones have chosen to have private time with their new bundle of joy, don't try to make them feel guilty for it.  They will call you back when they are ready for you if they are ready for you.  And the order that they call for visitors may have absolutely nothing to do with what you are thinking it means.

When DS was born, DH and I were the only ones in the room.  My deceased mother's sister, Aunt S, was babysitting almost 2 yo DD.  Aunt S and my father both came to town a few days before DS was born because we knew time was getting close.  Immediately after the birth, I was only allowed DH and 2 visitors at a time.  My dad got his feelings hurt because I called for Aunt S and DD first.  He was ticked that I let Aunt S see/hold DS before the grandparents.  He didn't think about the fact that in my mind I only called for Aunt S to come back because she would be bringing DD.  I wanted DD to be the first person that wasn't already in the room to meet the little guy.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: wolfie on February 20, 2012, 08:24:00 PM
I'm pretty sure those stories about women giving birth in the fields and then going straight back to work are a myth. I can't even begin to imagine how that's physically possible. And I don't mean toughness-wise.

I would assume that women who did that (if that was ever true) didn't have any choice in the matter. I can't see anyone willing to go work in a field after giving birth.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Sophia on February 20, 2012, 09:13:36 PM
Well, as someone who kicked my loving attentive husband out of the delivery room (and then scolded him for staying gone so long), I do think a mother giving birth has ultimate say on who is in the room. 
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: RiverSong on May 17, 2012, 08:18:11 PM
Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn

And to elaborate on that.... If you are close enough to the MTB to be discussing the delivery, and she mentions that she is planning to use/not use drugs, induce, give birth in a tub of lime jello on top of the CN Tower, keep your personal feelings to yourself. Relaying plans is not the same thing as asking for opinions.

How about expressing admiration for the fact that they are opting out of pain medicine. Not in a sarcastic way, but a "I'm a wimp and I admire the fact that you aren't" way. Would that offend?
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: RiverSong on May 17, 2012, 08:26:39 PM
A lot of hospitals are getting away with having nurseries now - there's a lot of emphasis on skin-to-skin contact with mom and keeping mom and baby together after delivery. When I had munchkin, there's absolutely no nursery at our hospital, just a tiny room where they bathe/weigh baby, then bring him or her back to mom. Additionally, our hospital strongly recommended not having family wait in the waiting room - the nurse manager said quite a few times pushy family members steamrolled over a tired mother after the birth.

I hope this doesn't catch on, I enjoyed the fact that the hospital I went to had the option of a nursery. I could take a shower and get some extra sleep regardless of whether or not DH was actually there at the hospital with me or not.

In retrospect I'm really glad that there was no one at the hospital even in the waiting room. So much went wrong with Baby Oxy's birth that had any of mom's been there the stress levels would have been astronomical (that and it took a ridiculously long time)!

I hear ya. My ex skipped way before Goober's birth and I was induced for 3 days! If it weren't for the nursery I wouldn't have been able to shower for 5 days instead of 3 and I wouldn't have had time to eat or sleep after 3 days of not doing so. The nursery was a blessing.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: RiverSong on May 17, 2012, 08:54:09 PM
Do not point out that because the MTB chose to have kids, she has no right to complain about being uncomfortable.

(I have had people do this, they ask how I am, i say my feet/back ache, have heartburn etc, and they say well, you chose to get pregnant)

My response would have been that I didn't actually choose, it just happened despite trying not too. The worst assumption made is the all pregnancies were planned.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Hollanda on May 18, 2012, 07:53:06 AM
Do not point out that because the MTB chose to have kids, she has no right to complain about being uncomfortable.

(I have had people do this, they ask how I am, i say my feet/back ache, have heartburn etc, and they say well, you chose to get pregnant)

My response would have been that I didn't actually choose, it just happened despite trying not too. The worst assumption made is the all pregnancies were planned.

Then there are people (me included) who were wrongly, as it happened, told by Doctors that it may well be "difficult to conceive" for a number of reasons.  I believed doctors, as you do, and yes, we were careless back in January. But being that we had been together a long time by that point (5 years +) and were engaged, we knew that if "it" were to happen, we would be ecstatic to become parents. So, we weren't trying and we weren't not trying. 

Whatever your circumstances, people should just not come out with "Well you chose to have children"...it's a dismissive thing to say, almost like "You asked for it!". Yes, there are negatives to being pregnant, and indeed to being a parent...but you take the good with the bad.
 
There are people who complain incessently about pregnancy, birth, being a parent, but that sort of person complains about everything. The majority of us suck it up, put it down to being "part of it" and carry on.  Certainly when I do want a bit of a rant (after a week with not much sleep, believe me I need a let-out sometimes!), I choose someone who will not come out with that sort of comment.
 
As a final word, I had an argument with my mother last weekend. It was stupid, I didn't help myself and I apologised. But the damage had been done.  I explained I was tired and her response was "What do you want, a medal? You chose to have him..."  Yes, she took it back and apologised, but like I said, the damage had been done.  I now choose either my BFF, my Chief Bridesmaid for our wedding or my DF.
 
 
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Just Lori on May 18, 2012, 08:27:11 AM

As a final word, I had an argument with my mother last weekend. It was stupid, I didn't help myself and I apologised. But the damage had been done.  I explained I was tired and her response was "What do you want, a medal? You chose to have him..."  Yes, she took it back and apologised, but like I said, the damage had been done.  I now choose either my BFF, my Chief Bridesmaid for our wedding or my DF.

Yes, I chose to have children.  I also chose to marry my husband, but I still occasionally have a complaint or two.  (I'm certain the feeling is mutual.)  I chose my job path, but sometimes it frustrates the heck out of me.  I chose to adopt a wonderful dog, but I still griped last month when she cost me almost $1000 for a checkup and teeth work. 

Don't get me wrong.  Sometimes it helps to get a reality check and remember to own your choices.  However, that reality check works best when it comes in a loving manner, not a "gotcha!"
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Hollanda on May 18, 2012, 09:07:17 AM
So true. A wry "Tell me about it!" would have done fine.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: turnip on May 18, 2012, 11:17:02 AM
Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn

And to elaborate on that.... If you are close enough to the MTB to be discussing the delivery, and she mentions that she is planning to use/not use drugs, induce, give birth in a tub of lime jello on top of the CN Tower, keep your personal feelings to yourself. Relaying plans is not the same thing as asking for opinions.

How about expressing admiration for the fact that they are opting out of pain medicine. Not in a sarcastic way, but a "I'm a wimp and I admire the fact that you aren't" way. Would that offend?

Not necessarily - but there's an interesting assumption there.  I didn't have a natural birth ( the first time ) because I'm a non-wimp who has no fear of pain, I had a natural birth because the stories I heard of epidural headaches/pitocen induced contractions/misplaced catheters/over-managed births leading to c-sections were scarier to me than the 'natural' pain of labor.

So the admiration would be misplaced, and might get you into a longer conversation than you want about birth and pain management.

( FWIW, having been though both natural and "induced/epiduraled" labors, there are pros and cons to both that make it just a matter of preference.  I honestly don't know which way I would go if I had a third )

 
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Mopsy428 on May 23, 2012, 09:28:43 PM
Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn

And to elaborate on that.... If you are close enough to the MTB to be discussing the delivery, and she mentions that she is planning to use/not use drugs, induce, give birth in a tub of lime jello on top of the CN Tower, keep your personal feelings to yourself. Relaying plans is not the same thing as asking for opinions.

How about expressing admiration for the fact that they are opting out of pain medicine. Not in a sarcastic way, but a "I'm a wimp and I admire the fact that you aren't" way. Would that offend?

Not necessarily - but there's an interesting assumption there.  I didn't have a natural birth ( the first time ) because I'm a non-wimp who has no fear of pain, I had a natural birth because the stories I heard of epidural headaches/pitocen induced contractions/misplaced catheters/over-managed births leading to c-sections were scarier to me than the 'natural' pain of labor.

So the admiration would be misplaced, and might get you into a longer conversation than you want about birth and pain management.

( FWIW, having been though both natural and "induced/epiduraled" labors, there are pros and cons to both that make it just a matter of preference.  I honestly don't know which way I would go if I had a third )
My friend's mother had a natural childbirth the first time and then had a C-section for her second child. This woman told me that the epidural hurt 100x worse than the natural childbirth. *shudders thinking about needles*
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MommyPenguin on May 23, 2012, 09:45:39 PM
I'm contemplating trying it without the epidural for my next delivery (due in October).  I thought about it with the 3rd, because things weren't all that bad, labor-pain-wise, through about 7cm.  However, I'd had a migraine for 3 weeks at that point and was holding an ice bag to my head, and I was struggling to manage both kinds of pain at once (the migraine was off and on), and so I decided to do it.  *Assuming* no major weird endless head craziness this time... I don't know.  Maybe!  I'm a little scared about the whole "ring of fire" thing at the end, though.  <rolls eyes at self>

My MIL had a long labor with her older son (my husband's brother).  She didn't want to get an epidural because of concerns about how the drug would affect the baby.  So when he, as a teen, got caught doing drugs, she chewed him out.  "I was in labor for 50 HOURS without drugs to help the pain, so that YOU could be safe and healthy.  And now YOU'RE PUTTING ILLEGAL DRUGS INTO YOUR BODY WILLINGLY?"  I liked to imagine her dragging him off by the ear at this point.  :)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Sophia on May 23, 2012, 10:27:25 PM
...My friend's mother had a natural childbirth the first time and then had a C-section for her second child. This woman told me that the epidural hurt 100x worse than the natural childbirth. *shudders thinking about needles*

I don't understand this.  Maybe because I was in such pain, but I didn't even feel the epidural.  I felt the tape being put on my skin, so it wasn't that I couldn't feel anything.  But, the important part?  Nope. 
It isn't that I don't have a problem with needles.  I have dental work done without painkillers because I think the injection hurts worse than the drilling. 
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: kareng57 on May 23, 2012, 10:36:11 PM
Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn

And to elaborate on that.... If you are close enough to the MTB to be discussing the delivery, and she mentions that she is planning to use/not use drugs, induce, give birth in a tub of lime jello on top of the CN Tower, keep your personal feelings to yourself. Relaying plans is not the same thing as asking for opinions.

How about expressing admiration for the fact that they are opting out of pain medicine. Not in a sarcastic way, but a "I'm a wimp and I admire the fact that you aren't" way. Would that offend?

Not necessarily - but there's an interesting assumption there.  I didn't have a natural birth ( the first time ) because I'm a non-wimp who has no fear of pain, I had a natural birth because the stories I heard of epidural headaches/pitocen induced contractions/misplaced catheters/over-managed births leading to c-sections were scarier to me than the 'natural' pain of labor.

So the admiration would be misplaced, and might get you into a longer conversation than you want about birth and pain management.

( FWIW, having been though both natural and "induced/epiduraled" labors, there are pros and cons to both that make it just a matter of preference.  I honestly don't know which way I would go if I had a third )
My friend's mother had a natural childbirth the first time and then had a C-section for her second child. This woman told me that the epidural hurt 100x worse than the natural childbirth. *shudders thinking about needles*


I'd think that a comment such as "that's great, but it's also a good idea to keep your options open" might be satisfactory without being too heavy-handed.

Many women do change their minds once labour starts.  And it doesn't always mean want-painkillers-after-all.  Some women who definitely decide that they want an epidural find that labour has progressed too far for that once it's evident - not that common in a first pregnancy, but anything is possible.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MrsJWine on May 23, 2012, 10:41:34 PM
I was aiming for a natural birth with my first. The idea of a needle in my spine was just about the most horrifying thing I could imagine. By the time I was admitted (after 10 hours of back labor), I wanted to die. If the epidural hadn't taken, I think I would be permanently deranged. It was literally the best feeling I have ever experienced in my life, preceded by barely a pinprick of pain. With my second, the pain was much more bearable, but the epidural still hurt only a tiny bit. I know sometimes they can go horribly wrong, but the average one doesn't.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: kareng57 on May 23, 2012, 10:48:47 PM
I was aiming for a natural birth with my first. The idea of a needle in my spine was just about the most horrifying thing I could imagine. By the time I was admitted (after 10 hours of back labor), I wanted to die. If the epidural hadn't taken, I think I would be permanently deranged. It was literally the best feeling I have ever experienced in my life, preceded by barely a pinprick of pain. With my second, the pain was much more bearable, but the epidural still hurt only a tiny bit. I know sometimes they can go horribly wrong, but the average one doesn't.

Epidurals weren't readily available at the hospital that I delivered at in the mid 1980s - it was a medium-sized community hospital and it just depended on whether or not an anaesthesiologist was around.  For baby #1, I managed with a bit of Demerol.  Baby #2, I was fine till the end when a bit of nitrous-oxide gas helped.  I'm surprised that the latter isn't used more often in NA (I believe it still is in the UK) - it does provide considerable pain-relief with negligible side effects.

Of course I'm not trying to derail this thread into medical pain-relief options, just trying to demonstrate that it's not always epidural-or-nothing.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Sophia on May 24, 2012, 08:45:35 AM
I wonder about that.  In the hospital's "What to expect during delivery" class, laughing gas was not one of the options.  In the U.S.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: bduckie on May 29, 2012, 08:00:19 AM
Man, I tried the laughing gas. Never again. It just made me frustrated. I had perfectly clear, rational thoughts, but could not make my mouth articulate them!
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Hollanda on May 29, 2012, 08:04:46 AM
I liked the gas and air. Too much. I overdid it and ended up vomiting.  ;D  That was when they gave me diamorphine!  ::)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Betelnut on May 29, 2012, 01:52:52 PM
I would think nixous oxide would affect the baby.  They give women oxygen to help the baby so wouldn't nitrous also affect the baby too?  Just wondering...
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Weez on May 29, 2012, 05:39:12 PM
I would think nixous oxide would affect the baby.  They give women oxygen to help the baby so wouldn't nitrous also affect the baby too?  Just wondering...

It's a combination of 50% oxygen and 50% nitrous oxide (http://www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy/labourandbirth/painrelief/entonox/) and one of the advantages of it is that it provides pain relief without affecting the baby. 

I think it's possibly the most common form of pain relief used in labour here in the UK.  Perhaps Claire79 (I think that's the poster I'm thinking of!) could confirm that?  I'm sure it's the first type of pain relief that I was offered, at least when I had my first (DS). 
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: hobish on May 29, 2012, 05:49:29 PM
I would think nixous oxide would affect the baby.  They give women oxygen to help the baby so wouldn't nitrous also affect the baby too?  Just wondering...

It's a combination of 50% oxygen and 50% nitrous oxide (http://www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy/labourandbirth/painrelief/entonox/) and one of the advantages of it is that it provides pain relief without affecting the baby. 

I think it's possibly the most common form of pain relief used in labour here in the UK.  Perhaps Claire79 (I think that's the poster I'm thinking of!) could confirm that?  I'm sure it's the first type of pain relief that I was offered, at least when I had my first (DS).

Really? Wow, i never knew that. The idea of "hippie crack" and childbirth at once has me giggling my fool head off. I can't even imagine how completely bizarre that must feel.
"Whooo, the ceiling just turned purple and what the heck is going on in my nethers? Who are you? Let's be friends..." OMGoodness... i amuse myself far far more than a person should, i am dying over here.

Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MrsJWine on May 29, 2012, 05:54:46 PM
"Whooo, the ceiling just turned purple and what the heck is going on in my nethers? Who are you? Let's be friends..." OMGoodness... i amuse myself far far more than a person should, i am dying over here.

It's like a much cheaper version of Ambien. Minus the waking up starving and infrequent but completely bizarre dreams, I presume.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: hobish on May 29, 2012, 06:06:20 PM
"Whooo, the ceiling just turned purple and what the heck is going on in my nethers? Who are you? Let's be friends..." OMGoodness... i amuse myself far far more than a person should, i am dying over here.

It's like a much cheaper version of Ambien. Minus the waking up starving and infrequent but completely bizarre dreams, I presume.

I've had it at the dentist. Maybe it has more of a "fun" effect on me than it does on others; regular anesthesia tends to make me feel pretty darn good, too. I really have seen the ceiling turn purple and swirly on nitrous ... though come to think of it i've seen much more vivid hallucinations on Ambien (like the Gourmand from Final Fantasy dancing in my bedroom), so maybe it is just me. I can't imagine being on either and giving birth ... not that i have given birth, either, for those who have not been around long enough to know me.
:) The whole idea is really blowing my mind.


Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: AustenFan on May 29, 2012, 06:08:24 PM
Nitrous is common enough in Canada that it was available 10 years ago when I had my first. It made me horribly nauseous, though.

I applaud any woman who can go without the epidural. I did for my second (not by choice, the anesthesiologist was in surgery) and wouldn't do it again. He was 11lbs and came into the world to me yelling obscenities at the ceiling. My labor with me first was a peaceful, pain free affair I slept through most of, so having to go through actual labor with the second came as a HUGE and unwelcome surprise. ;)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: turnip on May 29, 2012, 06:38:56 PM
Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn

And to elaborate on that.... If you are close enough to the MTB to be discussing the delivery, and she mentions that she is planning to use/not use drugs, induce, give birth in a tub of lime jello on top of the CN Tower, keep your personal feelings to yourself. Relaying plans is not the same thing as asking for opinions.

How about expressing admiration for the fact that they are opting out of pain medicine. Not in a sarcastic way, but a "I'm a wimp and I admire the fact that you aren't" way. Would that offend?

Not necessarily - but there's an interesting assumption there.  I didn't have a natural birth ( the first time ) because I'm a non-wimp who has no fear of pain, I had a natural birth because the stories I heard of epidural headaches/pitocen induced contractions/misplaced catheters/over-managed births leading to c-sections were scarier to me than the 'natural' pain of labor.

So the admiration would be misplaced, and might get you into a longer conversation than you want about birth and pain management.

( FWIW, having been though both natural and "induced/epiduraled" labors, there are pros and cons to both that make it just a matter of preference.  I honestly don't know which way I would go if I had a third )
My friend's mother had a natural childbirth the first time and then had a C-section for her second child. This woman told me that the epidural hurt 100x worse than the natural childbirth. *shudders thinking about needles*


I'd think that a comment such as "that's great, but it's also a good idea to keep your options open" might be satisfactory without being too heavy-handed.

Many women do change their minds once labour starts.  And it doesn't always mean want-painkillers-after-all.  Some women who definitely decide that they want an epidural find that labour has progressed too far for that once it's evident - not that common in a first pregnancy, but anything is possible.

I can't say I care for that wording.  Would you say the same thing to someone who told you they were childfree-by-choice?  It's the kind of statement that can quickly land you into eHell.   

I think simply saying "That's great, I hope you have an easy time!" whether the woman has told you they are going natural, or getting an elective C, or something in between, is the only good and honest response.    No one needs to hear a "but" unless you are their OB and have detailed information as to their health history.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: kareng57 on May 29, 2012, 06:41:01 PM
I would think nixous oxide would affect the baby.  They give women oxygen to help the baby so wouldn't nitrous also affect the baby too?  Just wondering...

It's a combination of 50% oxygen and 50% nitrous oxide (http://www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy/labourandbirth/painrelief/entonox/) and one of the advantages of it is that it provides pain relief without affecting the baby. 

I think it's possibly the most common form of pain relief used in labour here in the UK.  Perhaps Claire79 (I think that's the poster I'm thinking of!) could confirm that?  I'm sure it's the first type of pain relief that I was offered, at least when I had my first (DS).


Excellent site - it describes it very well.  It really didn't make me feel "silly" at all - just a bit calmer and took the "edge off" the pain.  I remember telling the nurse that I was concerned I was using it too much - and she said not to worry, it was 50% oxygen and that was more than the baby was getting from room air.

Obviously it's not suited to everyone, but it's too bad that a relatively low-tech form of pain relief like this isn't used more.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Jaelle on May 30, 2012, 07:15:29 PM
...My friend's mother had a natural childbirth the first time and then had a C-section for her second child. This woman told me that the epidural hurt 100x worse than the natural childbirth. *shudders thinking about needles*

I don't understand this.  Maybe because I was in such pain, but I didn't even feel the epidural.  I felt the tape being put on my skin, so it wasn't that I couldn't feel anything.  But, the important part?  Nope. 
It isn't that I don't have a problem with needles.  I have dental work done without painkillers because I think the injection hurts worse than the drilling.

Well, here's one reason. (OK, two.)

I had an epidural with both my kids. With the first, it was painful, but not horribly. And the epidural was great. For one hour. They gave me another. That one hurt worse and lasted half an hour. I finished labor (hours of pushing) with no epidural at all.  :P

Second kid: Epidural simply wouldn't take. They tried multiple times and it hurt like heck. I was told I must have awful back problems "considering what your vertebrae are like." Uh, no?  ???   I very definitely felt the needle. *squirm*

I'm glad yours went much better though! :D   Everyone's different.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: whatsanenigma on May 31, 2012, 07:25:20 AM
I can't say I care for that wording.  Would you say the same thing to someone who told you they were childfree-by-choice?  It's the kind of statement that can quickly land you into eHell.   

I think simply saying "That's great, I hope you have an easy time!" whether the woman has told you they are going natural, or getting an elective C, or something in between, is the only good and honest response.    No one needs to hear a "but" unless you are their OB and have detailed information as to their health history.

Yes, I agree that the wording of that might be a little awkward and require tweaking.  The overall sentiment, though...well, I myself am childfree by choice so take what I have to say with as much salt as you like.  :)

I can so easily imagine a woman laboring herself to exhaustion, in unbearable pain, because she has told everyone she is doing it naturally and would feel foolish or guilty if she asked for pain drugs.  I can imagine a woman deciding in the middle of labor that she really does want pain drugs but she is so overwhelmed by pain at that point that she can't think clearly about the possible options for pain drugs and the choice, well-meaning as it is, gets made by her husband or the doctor and it might not be the best for her.  I can imagine a woman who suddenly needs a c-section who  is very freaked out and panicked by the whole procedure because she didn't research it at all to know what it involved, because she was so sure she would have a natural labor and delivery.

And on the other hand, I can imagine that if a woman is prepared for all the possible ways childbirth can take strange turns, and really wants a natural labor but has researched possible methods for pain relief to know what she would be most comfortable asking for and at what point in the delivery, and what exactly a c-section involves and is like, she would feel more in control of the process, and her labor would go more smoothly both physically and mentally, and both she and her baby would be much better off.

So, I wonder if there is an e-hell approved way to say "It is very admirable that you have put so much thought into your birth plan, but please understand that every labor is different and you might find yourself in an unexpected situation.  Please, please do not feel inferior or guilty or ashamed if you decide to take pain drugs or if you need a c-section.  It doesn't mean you are a hypocrite or a bad or weak person or that you don't truly love your baby or you are a bad mother.  Whatever happens, I wish you the very best."

But this might be a situation where it's only appropriate to say this if you are a close relative, and if it's just some random co-worker carrying on, you really should just say "That's great! I wish you the best!".  In at least some situations, though, I think it would be such a kindness to the mother to let her know that "natural" childbirth is not the only acceptable method for delivery and that no one has the right to judge her for either choosing something different in advance or changing her mind in the middle of labor.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Glaceon on May 31, 2012, 01:06:08 PM
In a nutshell, you can't.  It's not anyone's place to remind someone they might change their mind. 

I am the hypothetical woman in your scenario.  My first birth went pretty much completely opposite of how I wanted it to go.  There was nothing anyone could have said that would have made me stop and think, "huh, maybe I don't want what I want."  I was fully aware that anything can happen and I could change my mind at any point.  With this pregnancy I'm still making plans based on my own wishes and preferences while being aware that things can change. 

Really, the suggestion of "I hope everything goes well!" is the best. 
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: lollylegs on May 31, 2012, 05:01:40 PM
I can't say I care for that wording.  Would you say the same thing to someone who told you they were childfree-by-choice?  It's the kind of statement that can quickly land you into eHell.   

I think simply saying "That's great, I hope you have an easy time!" whether the woman has told you they are going natural, or getting an elective C, or something in between, is the only good and honest response.    No one needs to hear a "but" unless you are their OB and have detailed information as to their health history.

Yes, I agree that the wording of that might be a little awkward and require tweaking.  The overall sentiment, though...well, I myself am childfree by choice so take what I have to say with as much salt as you like.  :)

I can so easily imagine a woman laboring herself to exhaustion, in unbearable pain, because she has told everyone she is doing it naturally and would feel foolish or guilty if she asked for pain drugs.  I can imagine a woman deciding in the middle of labor that she really does want pain drugs but she is so overwhelmed by pain at that point that she can't think clearly about the possible options for pain drugs and the choice, well-meaning as it is, gets made by her husband or the doctor and it might not be the best for her.  I can imagine a woman who suddenly needs a c-section who  is very freaked out and panicked by the whole procedure because she didn't research it at all to know what it involved, because she was so sure she would have a natural labor and delivery.

And on the other hand, I can imagine that if a woman is prepared for all the possible ways childbirth can take strange turns, and really wants a natural labor but has researched possible methods for pain relief to know what she would be most comfortable asking for and at what point in the delivery, and what exactly a c-section involves and is like, she would feel more in control of the process, and her labor would go more smoothly both physically and mentally, and both she and her baby would be much better off.

So, I wonder if there is an e-hell approved way to say "It is very admirable that you have put so much thought into your birth plan, but please understand that every labor is different and you might find yourself in an unexpected situation.  Please, please do not feel inferior or guilty or ashamed if you decide to take pain drugs or if you need a c-section.  It doesn't mean you are a hypocrite or a bad or weak person or that you don't truly love your baby or you are a bad mother.  Whatever happens, I wish you the very best."

But this might be a situation where it's only appropriate to say this if you are a close relative, and if it's just some random co-worker carrying on, you really should just say "That's great! I wish you the best!".  In at least some situations, though, I think it would be such a kindness to the mother to let her know that "natural" childbirth is not the only acceptable method for delivery and that no one has the right to judge her for either choosing something different in advance or changing her mind in the middle of labor.

I understand what you're trying to say and it's very admirable, but honestly, it would come off as a little condescending. I was blindsided by my mother, future MIL, and a few friends at my baby shower with this sort of thing and to this day, I still bristle when I recall it. I felt very strongly about not getting an epidural, so to have other people tell me that I didn't know my own mind was really insulting.

I think most pregnant women know all their options before they go in and that they can change their mind. Of course you're going to get the women who are so dedicated to the idea of a drug free birth that they won't, but I don't think those women will be swayed by a single comment from a friend. So no, I don't think there's an Ehell approved way to say that. Leave it to her doctors.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: CakeEater on June 01, 2012, 05:20:11 AM
I might tell my story which was that after an extremely long labor, I was in no condition to do the necessary work at the business end of the whole endeavour, and if I'd had drugs earlier, I might have had more energy, and therefore less damaging interventions at the end. I was pretty keen to do it without drugs, but I wish I'd had them.

I think if it's couched in terms of 'this is my experience, I hope all goes well for you', it might be OK.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Piratelvr1121 on June 01, 2012, 07:11:24 AM
While your children are the most fascinating and wonderful creatures to you most of the rest of the world doesn\'t agree (grandparents being a possible exception) so please try to keep the stories to a minimum. Especially stories that involved bodily fluids.

Actually, even with other mothers it is a good idea to keep those stories to a minimum unless you know for sure they don't have a problem hearing about it.   I used to frequent a board where women would talk about that kind of thing when they'd share the birth stories.  There were times I'd just not read a thread if I could tell it was going to get graphic after the first time I nearly puked when someone got too descriptive.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Danismom on June 01, 2012, 08:55:54 AM
I work with the L&D staff at my hospital.  They treat the mom's with kindness and respect at all times.  They sometimes struggle to remind the moms that a healthy baby is more important than their birth plan.  In fact, the team is well aware of the irony that it seems like the best way to have things not go the way the mom wants them to go is to actually do a written birth plan.  Sure, we want your birth experience to be just like you've imagined it.  But the truth is, it rarely will go like you dreamed.  I think the medical team can certainly remind patients to keep their options open.  But in the social setting, I think the best response is "That's admirable.  I hope it goes well for you."  said with the utmost sincerity.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: purplemuse on July 06, 2012, 01:46:01 PM
When a woman asks "Do I look pregnant or just bloated?"....don't say "You don't look pregnant.". Bad idea, bad move.

Going a looong way back for this one:

I'd say the "rule" here is for the pregnant woman (or anyone, really, but this is the pregnancy etiquette thread...) not to ask that kind of uncomfortable question.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: hobish on July 06, 2012, 02:11:34 PM
When a woman asks "Do I look pregnant or just bloated?"....don't say "You don't look pregnant.". Bad idea, bad move.

Going a looong way back for this one:

I'd say the "rule" here is for the pregnant woman (or anyone, really, but this is the pregnancy etiquette thread...) not to ask that kind of uncomfortable question.

Really  :o
Why would you, even?
Hey, purplemuse, is my butt big or does it just look that way in these pants? There is no good answer there; the question is just not fair.

Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Sharnita on July 07, 2012, 01:03:09 PM
"Well, you've definitely got a beautiful glow but then I've always thought you had great skin"
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: violinp on July 07, 2012, 01:58:49 PM
When a woman asks "Do I look pregnant or just bloated?"....don't say "You don't look pregnant.". Bad idea, bad move.

Going a looong way back for this one:

I'd say the "rule" here is for the pregnant woman (or anyone, really, but this is the pregnancy etiquette thread...) not to ask that kind of uncomfortable question.

Really  :o
Why would you, even?
Hey, purplemuse, is my butt big or does it just look that way in these pants? There is no good answer there; the question is just not fair.

Exactly. That's just mean to even ask.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: Emmy on July 18, 2012, 07:06:19 PM
When a woman asks "Do I look pregnant or just bloated?"....don't say "You don't look pregnant.". Bad idea, bad move.

Going a looong way back for this one:

I'd say the "rule" here is for the pregnant woman (or anyone, really, but this is the pregnancy etiquette thread...) not to ask that kind of uncomfortable question.

I don't think saying "you look bloated" would go over well either. 
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MrsJWine on July 18, 2012, 09:02:23 PM
When a woman asks "Do I look pregnant or just bloated?"....don't say "You don't look pregnant.". Bad idea, bad move.

Going a looong way back for this one:

I'd say the "rule" here is for the pregnant woman (or anyone, really, but this is the pregnancy etiquette thread...) not to ask that kind of uncomfortable question.

I don't think saying "you look bloated" would go over well either.

I might do it just to take vindictive pleasure from someone asking me a loaded question like that. :)
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: CityGirlInCowboyBoots on March 31, 2014, 01:17:14 PM
Please do not comment on the weight gain even if you mean it as a compliment. Just because you might think the person looks better at the higher weight caused by pregnancy doesn't mean the person agrees or that it would even be healthy for them if not pregnant.
Title: Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
Post by: MrTango on March 31, 2014, 03:47:07 PM
When a woman asks "Do I look pregnant or just bloated?"....don't say "You don't look pregnant.". Bad idea, bad move.

Going a looong way back for this one:

I'd say the "rule" here is for the pregnant woman (or anyone, really, but this is the pregnancy etiquette thread...) not to ask that kind of uncomfortable question.

Agreed.  If someone were to ask me that question, my response would be "I plead the Fifth."