Etiquette Hell

Etiquette School is in session! => Complete Silence => Topic started by: sourgirl27 on June 05, 2009, 10:42:21 AM

Title: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: sourgirl27 on June 05, 2009, 10:42:21 AM
last weekend, my daughter was being her usual bratty self. she was on the computer, messaging a boy. his picture was on the screen, and i asked her who he is. she got a very nasty tone, and a dirtier look on her face and said "i don't know! i don't care who he is!" i was livid. she has been acting like this for a few months now. she's 14. i told her to go to her room, stay there until she can manage to not be so nasty to me, i told her i did not deserve to be talked to like that, and i took her cell phone. i was only trying to make conversation with her, i wasn't trying to snoop in her business, although as her parent, if i want to, i believe to a reasonable point that it is my right to know what she is up to!

i then went outside to the garden to vent to my fiance about my daughter's behavior. as we were talking, his annoying friend from down the street pulls in. she has no man and no job, and she is here constantly. i understand that a lot of people have no job right now, myself included, and there is nothing wrong with being single, but seriously, find something to do besides be at my house all the time! she said hi to me, i said hi back. she knew i was mad about something. i told her about my daughter's dirty attitude and that i am fed up with it. she said quite loudly "that is exactly why abortion needs to stay legal!"  :o WHAT!!! i could hardly believe what i heard! i said "hey! i wouldn't go that far! i don't wish i would've done that!" she waved her hands at me like I was overreacting and said "oh, relax! i was just joking!" i didn't find her "joke" to be the least bit funny. i am so angry that i didn't just get up and walk away immediately.  what should i have done? i was angry at my daughter, i don't wish i had never had her!  thank God my daughter was in the house   and didn't hear that. i can't imagine how that would have made her feel. i know that if my fiance had been complaining of his 16 year old daughter,  his friend would NEVER have said that! but because it was my daughter, she felt it was ok.

my 14 month old son was playing outside at the time, too. real nice comment to make to someone about their own child. she has said of her own child a dozen times, her exact words "i should have kept the first one and killed the second one." she was feferring to the fact that she had an abortion, and a year later, she had a son. he is always in trouble, and is very irresponsible, so that is what she says about him. i wonder if being raised by her "loving motherliness" could be why he is troubled?

i'm just so angry. i always freeze up when someone's rudeness catches me off guard. how to i train myself to be ready for this kind of stuff?



Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: ShadesOfGrey on June 05, 2009, 10:50:41 AM
You need to practice the raised eyebrow and tone of "I beg your pardon?" and yes, walking away.

Her comment was inexcusable. 
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: petal on June 06, 2009, 08:21:11 AM
i think it would be perfectly fine to say to her  "go home"  and then for you to walk inside.

i loathe when people talk about killing their kids
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: immadz on June 07, 2009, 02:30:17 PM
Walk away and ask your fiance to rethink his friendship with his vile friend.
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Shortcake on June 08, 2009, 11:49:18 AM
I agree with Petal. It would have been fine for you to say, "Our visit has now come to an end!" 
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Bibliophile on June 08, 2009, 12:05:00 PM
#1 - if you don't like this woman coming to your house and find her annoying, why bad mouth your own daughter to her?  I'd be pretty ticked off as a teen if my mom badmouthed me, especially to people she wasn't even friendly with... 

#2 - tell the woman you don't appreciate the comment and then, in the future, don't discuss personal matters with her.
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Schmoopie3928 on June 09, 2009, 06:57:04 AM
#1 - if you don't like this woman coming to your house and find her annoying, why bad mouth your own daughter to her?  I'd be pretty ticked off as a teen if my mom badmouthed me, especially to people she wasn't even friendly with... 

#2 - tell the woman you don't appreciate the comment and then, in the future, don't discuss personal matters with her.

POD to this. Also If you know she is known for snide horrible remarks, I would keep any discussions with her limited to the weather. You are adding fuel to the fire.
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Azrail on June 09, 2009, 08:02:15 AM
#1 - if you don't like this woman coming to your house and find her annoying, why bad mouth your own daughter to her?  I'd be pretty ticked off as a teen if my mom badmouthed me, especially to people she wasn't even friendly with... 

#2 - tell the woman you don't appreciate the comment and then, in the future, don't discuss personal matters with her.

I agree. Her 'joke' was extremely distasteful.

But you don't like her. She could come over one day and say something rivetingly intelligent, yet your dislike of her would colour you reaction to what she says. That said, I would avoid discussing personal matters with someone you dislike, you will never like the outcome.

I don't understand why you would stand around chatting with her at all, beyond the brief curteous 'hello' and 'goodbye'. She is not family. Standing around telling someone you dislike about your family grievances, and then badmouthing them later (even if online) seems a little two faced.

Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: amanda_tlg on June 09, 2009, 08:44:09 AM
Personally this person would not be welcome at my house anymore, period. Comments like those are vile and disgusting.

And I understand why OP vented her frustration about her DD. Sometimes you are mad, and it just spills over and out no matter who you are talking to.

OP being upset about her DD's attitude does not excuse anything the 'friend' said.

Members of this board are constantly willing to cut people out of their lives who are bigots and racists and everything else. If this woman doesn't fall into that category that I don't know who does.
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Bibliophile on June 09, 2009, 09:53:44 AM
Personally this person would not be welcome at my house anymore, period. Comments like those are vile and disgusting.

And I understand why OP vented her frustration about her DD. Sometimes you are mad, and it just spills over and out no matter who you are talking to.

OP being upset about her DD's attitude does not excuse anything the 'friend' said.

Members of this board are constantly willing to cut people out of their lives who are bigots and racists and everything else. If this woman doesn't fall into that category that I don't know who does.

I don't think the actions of the OP excuses the "friend's" comments.  I think they both could've handled the situation a lot better.  No matter how 'bratty' the daughter is, her actions shouldn't be discussed with just anyone, no matter how mad mom is...
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: snowball's chance on June 09, 2009, 10:04:10 AM
I don't think the actions of the OP excuses the "friend's" comments.  I think they both could've handled the situation a lot better.  No matter how 'bratty' the daughter is, her actions shouldn't be discussed with just anyone, no matter how mad mom is...

Exactly.  Especially don't discuss with someone who is so toxic.
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: sourgirl27 on June 09, 2009, 11:41:34 AM
i didn't discuss my daughter's behavior with her. i told her, when she asked me what was wrong, that i am fed up with daughter's attitude, i didn't give her any details. it was just a brief explanation for my anger. i never discuss anything with her, because her constant opinions are not something i care to hear.
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: petal on June 09, 2009, 11:52:51 AM
i have a friend that i can rant to occassionally about what a ratbag my daughter is being  and she can rant back what a pain her son is being.  In the years we've known each other neither of us have ever told the other one that they should have aborted.


I wont go into debate about abortion  but i will say  that its a  decision thats made when pregnant  so once you do actually have a child  you should NEVER EVER talk about something like that about the child.

Im sure kids can be scarred for life if they hear a parent wish or mention life would have been easier if only they'd aborted or if they could go back and change things.
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Bibliophile on June 09, 2009, 12:26:59 PM
i didn't discuss my daughter's behavior with her. i told her, when she asked me what was wrong, that i am fed up with daughter's attitude, i didn't give her any details. it was just a brief explanation for my anger. i never discuss anything with her, because her constant opinions are not something i care to hear.

You already don't like this woman & she's said stuff like this iin the past.  A simple "Just some personal issue, nothing for you to be concerned about" is all the info she probably should've gotten. 
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Animala on June 09, 2009, 12:56:20 PM
Any person who would say that I should have aborted my son would NEVER be allowed in my home again.  Ever! 
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Azrail on June 09, 2009, 11:07:31 PM
Any person who would say that I should have aborted my son would NEVER be allowed in my home again.  Ever! 

Exactly. Now you have a concrete reason to have nothing to do with this woman. You don't ever have to speak to her again.
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: pootbear on June 10, 2009, 02:03:56 PM
i didn't discuss my daughter's behavior with her. i told her, when she asked me what was wrong, that i am fed up with daughter's attitude, i didn't give her any details. it was just a brief explanation for my anger. i never discuss anything with her, because her constant opinions are not something i care to hear.

You already don't like this woman & she's said stuff like this iin the past.  A simple "Just some personal issue, nothing for you to be concerned about" is all the info she probably should've gotten. 

I'll bet we've all been in situations where looking back we wished we'd come up with a deflecting phrase like this one at the time. That's one reason that thinking/posting about what happened to someone else and what could have been done better is a great learning experience for us all. There's not much one can do about going back a dealing with a casual Acquaintance who made such a boorish bad joke but going forward, I'm sure she's got some good ideas on how to handle her in the future.

Meanwhile, I hope the OP went back to her daughter as THAT's the relationship that counts and explained WHY parents have to keep an eye on what their kids are doing on the 'net and why it's so important, especially now when times are hard that families hang together and speak kindly and respectfully to each other.  But as 14 year olds are well, 14 year olds, the 'kindly speech and respect' may take a while to be appreciated. PB

Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: LendaBee on June 14, 2009, 11:49:27 AM
Find quality people to be friends with, that "individual" is someone I would not be speaking to, be around or allow my family to be around.  You're known by the company you keep, do you really want people to link the two of you together as being friends?  That person can't even be a friend to her own children, never mind anyone else.
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Shortcake on June 15, 2009, 08:25:41 AM
i didn't discuss my daughter's behavior with her. i told her, when she asked me what was wrong, that i am fed up with daughter's attitude, i didn't give her any details. it was just a brief explanation for my anger. i never discuss anything with her, because her constant opinions are not something i care to hear.

You already don't like this woman & she's said stuff like this iin the past.  A simple "Just some personal issue, nothing for you to be concerned about" is all the info she probably should've gotten. 

I'll bet we've all been in situations where looking back we wished we'd come up with a deflecting phrase like this one at the time. That's one reason that thinking/posting about what happened to someone else and what could have been done better is a great learning experience for us all. There's not much one can do about going back a dealing with a casual Acquaintance who made such a boorish bad joke but going forward, I'm sure she's got some good ideas on how to handle her in the future.

Meanwhile, I hope the OP went back to her daughter as THAT's the rel@tionship that counts and explained WHY parents have to keep an eye on what their kids are doing on the 'net and why it's so important, especially now when times are hard that families hang together and speak kindly and respectfully to each other.  But as 14 year olds are well, 14 year olds, the 'kindly speech and respect' may take a while to be appreciated. PB



Well said pootbear!! ITA!
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: HeebyJeebyLeebee on July 20, 2009, 03:23:36 PM
i think it would be perfectly fine to say to her  "go home"  and then for you to walk inside.

i loathe when people talk about killing their kids

I'm with Petal.

You:  Excuse me?!
Her:  I was only joking!
You:  That's not funny at all.  You need to leave now, and please don't come back.  You're not welcome here. 
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Stouthunter on July 28, 2009, 11:48:51 PM
For the daughter:

http://www.netnanny.com/products/netnanny/long (http://www.netnanny.com/products/netnanny/long)
http://www.kidswatch.com/?gclid=CPer2ZmO-psCFSMSagodFjha-w (http://www.kidswatch.com/?gclid=CPer2ZmO-psCFSMSagodFjha-w)
http://www.cybersitter.com/?gclid=COGiz6KO-psCFQ9Jagod8xsdAA (http://www.cybersitter.com/?gclid=COGiz6KO-psCFQ9Jagod8xsdAA)

For the neighbor:
"                                                                     "
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Cherry on August 10, 2009, 04:37:31 PM
Saying that someone should have been killed is never a joke. Death is never a joke. I feel bad for this woman's children.
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Kimblee on August 10, 2009, 04:43:05 PM
That is awful.

Ugh. How disgusting.

Maybe I'm just sensitive, but this along the same lines as, when my cousin had her baby, she had previously thought about termination. She decided against it, and has always been a great mom.

When Baby was about 9 y.o. Cousin's BIL was talking about some parenting thing, and Cousin gave her opinion, so he shot back "What would you know, you wanted to get rid of yours." With Baby standing right there beside her mother's chair.

Its terrible what people will say. I'm so sorry you ahd to deal with this, OP.
Title: Re: i guess i can't just be angry at my daughter
Post by: Danismom on August 12, 2009, 09:16:15 PM
I also agree that you and DF need to discuss ending this friendship. 

Perhaps I misread, but it looks like this woman is DF's friend, not really yours.  Personally, I find it a little odd that your DF has this annoying woman over at your house all the time like you described, especially when she makes such unkind remarks about your DD. 

If so, he needs to be the one to stand up for you and tell this woman she is no longer welcome at your home.  You can tell her the comments are inappropriate and unwelcome but you both need to be okay with kicking her out permanently.