Etiquette Hell

A Civil World. Off-topic discussions on a variety of topics. Guests, register for forum membership to see all the boards. => Humor Me! => Topic started by: Martienne on February 14, 2010, 10:04:02 PM

Title: Groaners
Post by: Martienne on February 14, 2010, 10:04:02 PM
A man went to his dentist, complaining that his denture plate was corroding away. The dentist examined it and asked the man, "Have you added anything new to your diet?" The man thought for a second and said, "Well, the only thing I can think of is that my wife has been making me a lot of eggs benedict lately. I never tried it before recently and I really love the dish. She makes it for me now at least a couple mornings a week."

"Hmm," the dentist says. "Do you use a lot of hollandaise sauce on your eggs benedict?"

"Oh, yes, I love the hollandaise sauce. I always get a big ladle-full on top," the man replied.

"Ah!" the dentist says. "There's your problem. Hollandaise has lemon juice in it, so it's corrosive. I am going to fit you for a new plate made of chrome."

"Chrome! That's odd. Have you fitted anyone for a chrome plate before?"

"Yes, it won't corrode like your old one," the dentist replied. "In fact, this is so common there is even a saying about it."

"A saying?" the man asks him. "I've never heard it."

"You've never heard? Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on February 15, 2010, 03:27:37 AM




Groan indeed!

 :D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on February 15, 2010, 03:30:19 AM



Ooh! I just remembered!

A man walks into the doctors and says: I think I got Tom Jones Syndrome, I can't help singing Green Green Grass of Home.
The doctor says "Oh, It's not unusual!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: M-theory on February 15, 2010, 04:27:09 AM
A horse walked into a bar and the bartender asks, "why the long face?"  :)


Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.  :D

A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on February 15, 2010, 05:23:00 AM
A gymnast vaults over a bar...
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: T'Mar of Vulcan on February 15, 2010, 09:12:14 AM
A guy goes to a nightclub, but when he gets to the door they say he has to be wearing a tie. He goes out and rummages through his car, but all he can find are his jumper cables. He ties them around his neck in a knot and goes back to the nightclub.

The doorman says, "Okay, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything."
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on February 15, 2010, 09:20:14 AM
THIS JUST IN...

AP (Chicago, IL) -- A young boy (aged 3, name withheld) has been arrested at the request of his parents.  The toddler was told to take a nap, and refused to do so.  The police were called in, and the youngster was placed in custody.  The charge is resisting a rest.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Slartibartfast on February 15, 2010, 11:02:36 AM
What's long, brown, and sticky?  A stick.

What's big, round, and has pointy teeth?  A vicious circle.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous?  Elifino.  (sound that out.)

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?  Great big holes all over Australia.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?  A stick.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: T'Mar of Vulcan on February 15, 2010, 12:35:45 PM
What's green with legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.

If you see a splotch in the road, how do you know whether it was a dog or a lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

What did the fish say when it encountered the concrete wall? Dam!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Namárië on February 15, 2010, 12:47:37 PM
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry sir, we don't serve food here."
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: extranormal on February 15, 2010, 01:42:39 PM
A bear goes into a diner and orders, "A hamburger, a beer, and...........a plate of fries."

The waitress asks, "Why the big pause?"

Bear says, "Had 'em all my life!"
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on February 16, 2010, 02:25:06 AM



Two nuts are walking through a park...one was assaulted.
What goes ha ha kerplunk? A man laughing his head off.

A man limps into the doctors surgery with a cricket ball lodged up his...
He says: Doctor, I've got a cricket ball lodged up my...
And the Doctor says, Howzat?!, and the man says: Don't you start!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Coralreef on February 16, 2010, 09:27:44 AM
Why do dogs howl at the moon?  Because they don't know the words.

Why do scuba divers go backward into the water?  Because if they went forward, they'll hit the bottom of the boat.

Instruction on boomerang packaging : Count: 1, 2, 3, throw, 4, 5, 6, duck.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: PeasNCues on February 16, 2010, 09:32:24 AM
Why do seaguls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bay-guls!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: LadyClaire on February 16, 2010, 09:48:36 AM
Late one night, Dracula was walking down a dark road all by himself when suddenly a carrot fell from the sky and bounced off his head.

Puzzled, he looked up just as an avalanche of food fell from the sky. Puddings, cakes, biscuits, chicken, mashed potatoes, just tons of food falling and burying him under a massive pile.

As he lay there, crushed beneath a mountain of food, he gasped with his dying breath "Oh no, it's buffet the vampire slayer!"

**

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

**

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Slartibartfast on February 16, 2010, 10:23:14 AM
One courtesy of my library kids: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?  Fo'drizzle.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Namárië on February 16, 2010, 12:34:47 PM
These are cracking me up. I love these kinds of jokes!

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
"Robin, get in the car."
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: hobish on February 16, 2010, 12:39:48 PM
A Frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Sabbyfrog2 on February 16, 2010, 12:54:43 PM
One courtesy of my library kids: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?  Fo'drizzle.

I am SO stealing this and sharing it with my hubby. His students would get the biggest kick out of it! ROTFL!!!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Coralreef on February 16, 2010, 02:22:15 PM
Where does the Lone Ranger takes the garbage?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump...
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Coralreef on February 16, 2010, 02:23:00 PM
One courtesy of my library kids: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?  Fo'drizzle.

I'm sorry to say my rap culture is very, very small.  I don't understand this one.  My age is showing  :-[
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: extranormal on February 16, 2010, 02:35:17 PM
[this one has to be told orally to garner even a groan]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Bellantara on February 16, 2010, 02:41:01 PM
Told by five year old Bellantara to her daddy:

"What are the three kinds of sex?"

Nervous daddy, wondering what his child has picked up: "I don't know honey, what do you think they are?"

"Male sex, female sex, and insects!


He still wants to kill me for it.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: LadyClaire on February 16, 2010, 02:54:05 PM
Where does the general keep his armies?

In his sleevies!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Shea on February 16, 2010, 08:30:50 PM
Q: What did the mama buffalo say to her son as he left for school?
A: Bye son! (say it out loud)

Q: What do you call a blind deer?
A: No idear. (aloud again!)

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Don't matter, he's not gonna come anyway.

Q: What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
A: "Dam!"

There's two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Hot in here, isn't it?" The second says "Oh my goodness, a talking muffin!"
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: PeasNCues on February 16, 2010, 08:34:28 PM
Why is an elephant big and gray? Because if it were small and white, it would be an aspirin!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: beingkj on February 16, 2010, 08:38:48 PM
Q: How do you hide an elephant?
A: Paint its toenails red and stand it in a strawberry patch.

Follow up: That wouldn't work!
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? No? See, it works.

Q (ask a pirate): Where are your buccaneers?
Pirate: Under my buckin' hat.

Q: What do you call a poodle with no legs?
A: A sponge
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Paper Roses on February 16, 2010, 08:40:08 PM
When he was in 5th grade, DS had to give a presentation to the class on Ponce deLeon.  I suggested he start off with this:

What did Ponce deLeon wear under his clothes?  His underPonce!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: extranormal on February 16, 2010, 09:22:50 PM
Quote
Q: What do you call a blind deer?
A: No idear. (aloud again!)

Q: What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

A: Still no idear.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JadeAngel on February 16, 2010, 09:38:16 PM
Why don't blind people go skydiving?
Because it scares the heck out of their dogs.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one of them looks at the other one and says 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball?
Who could blame her, she had a pumpkin for a coach and was always running from the ball!

What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
Time to buy a new fence.


Two parrots are sitting on a perch, one of them looks at the other one and says 'Do you smell fish?'
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: POF on February 16, 2010, 09:49:36 PM
How much do pirate earrings cost ? ........A buck an ear ( Buccaneer )

Why are their fences around graveyards.... People are dying to get in.

What happened when the elephant stepped on a grape  - it let out a little whine.

What's green and stays out all night ...... Patti O'Furniture  ( which is the meaning behind my screen name .... POF .... Patti O'Furniture )
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Slartibartfast on February 16, 2010, 10:15:41 PM
hah, love the pirate jokes!  I put together a list for last year's Talk Like A Pirate Day (Sept. 19th):

Why are pirates called pirates?  They just ARRRRRRR!

Where did the one-legged pirate go for breakfast?  IHOP

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head.  The bartender notices this, and asks "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"  "Arrr . . ." says the pirate.  "I've got a Bounty on me head!"

What do you call 1000 pirates in a room?  Avast conspiracy!

Where did the pirate go to college?  HAAAAAAARvard!

What do pirates from Boston say?  AHHHHHHHHH!

What do a pirate and a bachelor have in common?  They're both lookin' for booty!

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a ninja?  A ninjARRRRRRRRRRR!

What do you call a pirate that skips class?  Captain Hooky!

There once was a pirate who wanted to be a Private Eye.  Unfortunately, he was blind.  So he became a privateer!

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?  A buck-an-ear!

Where do you find very few pirates?  The ARRRRRRRctic!

What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?  "Arrrr, me heartie!"

What does a dyslexic pirate say?   RAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on February 17, 2010, 03:05:36 AM



What do you call a man with a shovel? Doug
What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglas
What do you call a man who lays around? Matt
What do you call a man who hangs on the wall? Art

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea
What do you call Batman and Robin after they got hit by a car? Flatman and Ribbon.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: pwv on February 17, 2010, 05:41:11 AM
What is the best time to go to the dentist?

Two-thirty  (tooth hurty)


Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Paper Roses on February 17, 2010, 07:16:15 AM
A couple of DD's favorites:

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?  "Where's my tractor?"


Ask me if I'm a tree.

Are you a tree?

No.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: LadyClaire on February 17, 2010, 07:41:53 AM
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow that's been electrocuted?

Beef jerky.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: hermanne on February 17, 2010, 01:02:44 PM
What should you say if you step on an ant?

"Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaaaaaaant..."
(Think theme song to the "Pink Panther")
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: rhirhi on February 17, 2010, 01:17:20 PM
Stolen from Squidward on SpongeBob:

Why couldn't the 11year old get into the pirate movie?

Because it was rated Arrrrr!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: WhiteTigerCub on February 17, 2010, 01:38:45 PM
What do you call a llama that has a baby?   Mama llama

What do you call a llama that has a baby and wears night clothes?   A mama llama in pajamas

What do you call a llama that has a baby, wears night clothes, and is a thespian?  A drama mama llama in pajamas

What do you call a lllama that has a baby, wears night clothes, is a thespian and has been through a tramatic expereince? A trama'd drama mama llama in pajamas
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: LadyClaire on February 17, 2010, 01:51:53 PM
What did the termite eat for breakfast?

Oakmeal.

**

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. Soon the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why," one asked.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


**

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

**

What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me.

**

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second roughs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

**

Veteran Pillsbury spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, and Betty Crocker. The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Sabbyfrog2 on February 17, 2010, 02:29:35 PM
One courtesy of my library kids: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?  Fo'drizzle.

I'm sorry to say my rap culture is very, very small.  I don't understand this one.  My age is showing  :-[

 He is where "fo Shizzle" and "fo rizzle" and all the other "Izzles" came from.  If you have ever heard kids talking like this, he is why.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Scritzy on February 17, 2010, 03:27:50 PM
Why did the chicken go halfway across the road?

She wanted to lay it on the line.


Why did you go fishing?

Just for the halibut.


A guy in Alaska was killed when an icicle fell on him. He died of cold cuts.


And this is something my former psychiatrist said to me, in all seriousness: "Maybe you're just a tough nut to crack."

And now you know why he's my FORMER psychiatrist. :P
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: pwv on February 17, 2010, 03:57:39 PM
Knock Knock

    Who's there?

Dwain

     Dwain who?

Dwain the bathtub I'm dwowning. 
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: kitty-cat on February 17, 2010, 04:06:26 PM
Hey, quick question- do ya'll mind if I tell these in one of my classes? These are comedy gold, and I think that my class would love it.  Thank ya'll :)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: beingkj on February 17, 2010, 07:20:15 PM
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
Here come the elephants!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming wearing Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognise them.

Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom boom (best said with a straight face and totally deadpan)


Hey, quick question- do ya'll mind if I tell these in one of my classes? These are comedy gold, and I think that my class would love it.  Thank ya'll :)

I don't mind, though my jokes are hardly original.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: whylime13 on February 17, 2010, 07:38:52 PM
What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese!


What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Well anyone can roast beef ....



Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a pint of blueberries?
A: I don't know

Well if you don't know the difference, I'm not sending you to the store!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Msunderstatement on February 17, 2010, 07:42:04 PM
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Goliath.

Goliath who?

Goliath down, you looketh tired.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Martienne on February 17, 2010, 10:00:12 PM
One courtesy of my library kids: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?  Fo'drizzle.
What does Snoop Dogg use to whiten his clothes?
      Bli'atch.

What does Snoop Dogg eat for dinner?
      Spa'GHETTO.

What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his car?
     His hose.

What is Snoop Dogg's favorite tool?
     Da chizel.

What does Snoop Dogg listen for when he cooks bacon?
     Fo'sizzle.

What do you call a pepper who is too nosy?
     Jalapeño business! (all up in yo' business)

What does a vegetarian zombie say?
     Graaains!

What do they call the pig who is a karate master?
    Pork chop.

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
    Its behind.

What game would you play with a wombat?
    Wom.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
    The sailors were marooned.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
    It was in tents!

Sounds like Bill the Pony has a cough there.
    Yeah, he's a little hoarse.

Gary used to work at the rubber band factory, but he got fired.
    Oh, snap!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: pwv on February 17, 2010, 10:26:21 PM
How can you tell if an elephant has been hiding in your refrigerator?

    by the footprints in the butter

====

Why did the elephant wear tennies?

   because nine-ies are too small and eleven-ies are too big

-----

What's the difference between?

    between what?

I'm not giving any hints.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: T'Mar of Vulcan on February 17, 2010, 10:51:51 PM
What's the difference between?
    between what?
I'm not giving any hints.

My father's favourite joke was similar:

What is the difference between a duck?
One foot is both the same.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: guihong on February 17, 2010, 11:22:10 PM
My father was fond of telling "shaggy dog stories":

Two big turtles and one small turtle go into a soda shop and order sarsaparillas.  While they are there, it begins to rain.  The two big turtles tell the small turtle "Go back home and bring our umbrellas".
"No", said the small turtle.  "If I leave, you will drink my sarsaparilla".
The two big turtles promise not to drink his sarsaparilla, and so the small turtle starts off.

Two weeks later, one big turtle turns to the other big turtle and says "C'mon, let's drink his sarsaparilla!"
And a little voice from the back of the shop yells out, "You do, and I won't go for those umbrellas!"

****

A man walks into a bakery and says, "I would like a cake in the shape of the letter S".
The baker says "OK, come back in a week, and I'll have it for you"
The man comes back in a week, and to his dismay, the cake is a print letter S.  He says, "Oh, this is all wrong.  I wanted a script S"
The baker tells him "Come back in another week, and I'll have it ready".
A week later, the man returns, and the baker proudly shows off a cake in the shape of a script S.  He asks, "Would you like it in a gift box?" 
The man answers, "Oh no, if you have a knife and fork, I'll eat it right here".
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on February 18, 2010, 03:34:07 AM



Why did they close down the banana factory? Because they kept throwing away the bent ones.
Why did the jelly bean jump off the cliff? Because he thought he was a smartie.
A guy said to his mate: I took my wife on a trip to the Carribbean.
His mate says: Jamaica?
No, she went on her own accord!


Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: bigozzy on February 18, 2010, 06:00:29 AM
Did you hear about the extrovert engineer?

He stares at your foot while talking.


Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: whylime13 on February 18, 2010, 09:30:12 AM
A snail walked in to a fancy car dealership and said 'I want to buy the fastest car you have' so the salesman shows him a brand new red sports car.  The snail likes it and pays cash upfront.  The snail then asks 'I'd really like to get a custom paint job for this car, can you arrange that for me?' and since he had just spent so much money the salesman did not want to disappoint him so he said 'Anything for you, what do you want done?' The snail replies 'I want a big black S painted on top of the car, on the hood and on each side.  Horrified, the salesman asks 'Why would you do a thing like that to such a good looking car?'

"So everywhere I go people will say 'Look at that S-Car-Go'"
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: RingTailedLemur on February 18, 2010, 12:00:41 PM
What do you do with a wombat?

Play wom.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: RegionMom on February 18, 2010, 12:26:01 PM
My kids found this one, and took the time to get it memorized and can perform it on cue--

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a:
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

(groan!!!))

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Coralreef on February 18, 2010, 01:41:55 PM
What do you call a clairvoyant child running away from home?

A small medium at large.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Scritzy on February 18, 2010, 02:30:29 PM
What's the motto of a bad steakhouse?

Around here, anything well done is mighty rare!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: ZaftigWife on February 19, 2010, 05:21:00 PM



What do you call a man with a shovel? Doug
What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglas
What do you call a man who lays around? Matt
What do you call a man who hangs on the wall? Art

What do you call a guy floating in the ocean?  Bob

What do you call a guy floating in shallow water?  Wade
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: extranormal on February 19, 2010, 05:22:12 PM



What do you call a man with a shovel? Doug
What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglas
What do you call a man who lays around? Matt
What do you call a man who hangs on the wall? Art

What do you call a guy floating in the ocean?  Bob

What do you call a guy floating in shallow water?  Wade


What do you call a guy with rabbits in his shirt? Warren.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: geordicat on February 19, 2010, 06:34:32 PM
What's a wok?  Somfing you fwow at a wabbit

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: T'Mar of Vulcan on February 19, 2010, 11:26:45 PM
What do you call a man with a shovel? Doug
What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglas
What do you call a man who lays around? Matt
What do you call a man who hangs on the wall? Art
What do you call a guy floating in the ocean?  Bob
What do you call a guy floating in shallow water?  Wade
What do you call a guy with rabbits in his shirt? Warren.

What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves? Russell.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: rhirhi on February 20, 2010, 10:08:44 PM
Another from SpongeBob:

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from the blood bank?

A cab!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: White Dragon on February 20, 2010, 11:50:48 PM
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.

What's white and fluffy?
White fluff.

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.

What's green and fluffy?
Green fluff.

What's blue and fluffy?
White fluff holding it's breath.

-----
How many elephants can you fit in a minivan?
Four. Two in the front and two in the back.

How can you tell when there is an elephant in your fridge?
By the footprints in the butter.

How can you tell when there are two elephants in your fridge?
You can hear them talking.

How can you tell when there are three elephants in your fridge?
You have trouble getting the door closed.

How can you tell when there are four elephants in your fridge?
Their minivan is parked out front.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: kitty-cat on February 22, 2010, 03:08:35 PM
I love all of these jokes :)

As for my joke:

What's black and white and black and white, and black and white, and black and white, and brown, and green, and red, and yellow?

4 zebras fighting over a basket of apples.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Ferrets on February 25, 2010, 05:39:34 PM
Warning: Shaggy-dog story, and you probably have to be British and of a certain age to get this...

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.

"Certainly sir," says Gervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?"

"I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer.

"Oh no!" replies Gervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly... Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"

"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one."

So Gervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife...and the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin.

"It's no good," says Gervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed. Hans!"

At which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.

"Sir," says Gervaise, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

So Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off...and once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache.

"I am sorry, sir; I just cannot kill the squid," Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well, sir," sighs the waiter, "I suppose it just goes to show...

...that Hans that does dishes, can be soft as Gervaise for the mild green, hairy-lipped squid!"

;D

[Still confused? Click here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_LaVvSIT_8). ;) ]
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: whylime13 on February 25, 2010, 05:52:59 PM

Why do the irish put exactly 239 beans in their chili?
Because one more would be too farty! (240)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on February 25, 2010, 08:27:48 PM

Why do the irish put exactly 239 beans in their chili?
Because one more would be too farty! (240)



Haaahaaa!!   ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: HushHush on February 26, 2010, 03:00:10 PM
Ds came up with this one.  There's a local mini golf place called King Putt.

Who tucks King Putt into bed?

King Tuck
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: hobish on March 01, 2010, 10:53:15 AM

What's invisible and smells like carrots?



Bunny farts.

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: purplemuse on March 02, 2010, 07:19:45 AM
A police officer is driving around when he sees a man walking down the street with a penguin.  So the officer pulls up next to the man and tells him:  "You need to take that penguin to the zoo!"  The man agrees, and the officer continues on his way.

The next day, he sees the same man walking down the street with the penguin.  So once again, the officer pulls up next to him.

"I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!" he says.

"Oh, I did," replies the man, "and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the movies today!"

-----------------------------------------------------
And for any chemistry geeks:

Q:  Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
A:  Because it was polar

Q:  Why does steak have more energy than hamburger?
A:  Because hamburger is in its ground state
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Tuhis on March 02, 2010, 11:23:41 AM
What's the difference between a hamburger and a napkin?

You don't know?
Then, I'll eat the hamburger, you may have the napkin.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: geordicat on March 05, 2010, 07:29:25 AM
I visited the post card museum.

It was nothing to write home about.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Seven Ate Nine on March 06, 2010, 08:12:09 AM
This one is a set:

Q:How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
A: Open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.

Q; How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?
A: Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.

Q: The lions are having a party, and all the animals in the jungle are invited.  Who doesn't come?
A: The giraffe, he's in your refrigerator.

Q: You need to cross alligator infested waters in the jungle, how do you do it?
A: Swim across, the alligators are at the lion's party.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: baglady on March 07, 2010, 11:04:29 AM
Another shaggy dog story:

Israeli police are looking for a man named Joseph, who is wanted for questioning in connection with several bank robberies in the city of Haifa.

Joseph is a native of Barcelona, Spain. His mother was a sister in the Dominican order, and his father was a German tourist.

In addition to his criminal career, Joseph is an accomplished flautist and works sporadically as a farm hand.

In other words...

He's a Haifa-lootin, flutin' Teuton, son of a nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Coralreef on March 08, 2010, 12:35:24 PM
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: VorFemme on March 08, 2010, 02:24:47 PM
When you meet an engineers from Scotland - ask 'em if they are a member of the well known clan MacHinery (try all lower case letters).
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: jpcher on March 08, 2010, 08:12:35 PM
(Kick me if I've already posted this . . . I haven't read the entire thread.)



Q: Why do elephant's paint their toenails red?

A: So they can hide in cherry trees.


Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: No.

Reply: See! It works! ;D

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: VorFemme on March 24, 2010, 09:28:52 PM
Zombie lions go for their prey's mmmaaanneess.

Zombie electricians hang around mmaaiinnss.

Zombie plumbers hide in ddrraaiinnss.

Zombie medieval cathedral builders are all about ffaanneess.

Zombie bowlers hang around the llaanneess.

Zombies want to travel in ox drawn wwaaiinnss.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Ferrets on March 25, 2010, 11:11:43 AM
VorFemme's post, and the orchestral discussion over on the other thread, reminded me...

A scientist walks into a brain shop, and says to the man behind the counter: "Hello! I am here to do some research on human brains. What specimens do you have in stock?"

"Well," says the proprietor, "we have some nice Cambridge graduates' brains at £50 a pound. We also have a few MENSA brains going for about £100 a pound. And, just in today, we have some fresh viola players' brains."

"Hm, how much are they?"

"£1,000 a pound."

"Goodness, that's expensive! But surely every orchestra has them...why are their brains so dear?"

"Tchah. Do you know how many viola players you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

*I'maviolaplayer,I'mALLOWEDtosayit,don'tshootme*
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: bestimw on March 25, 2010, 12:37:50 PM
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle?
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Martienne on March 25, 2010, 03:14:58 PM
A man went to the music store, bringing his banjo along in the backseat. When he got there he forgot to grab his banjo and went inside. Quickly realizing he needed the banjo, he returned to the parking area. As he approached his vehicle he could see that the back window was broken. He rushed over to his car and looked in the back seat, his heart filled with dread. It was just as he had feared. There were now three banjos in his backseat, along with an accordion.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

How do you know when there is a banjo player at the door?
He can't find the key and he doesn't know when to come in.

What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

How many oboe players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but you have to wait while the oboe player screws it in...backs it out a little...screws it in a titch more...backs it all the way out and licks it...

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine others to gossip about how the first flute player got picked for the role and why each of the other nine would have done it better.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to complain that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about how much they miss the old one.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: VorFemme on March 25, 2010, 03:25:14 PM
Birdwatching zombies are looking for ccrraanneess...........

What kind of pantyhose do female zombies wear?

Hhaanneess

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: VorFemme on March 25, 2010, 03:47:17 PM
Elderly zombies want ccaanneess.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: VorFemme on March 25, 2010, 05:26:48 PM
Which  gym do zombies go to when they exercise?

Jack LlaaLlaanneess'
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Suze on March 25, 2010, 05:36:01 PM
Zombies at the subway are waiting for traaaiiiinnnns
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Seraphia on March 25, 2010, 09:05:01 PM
How do you tell the difference between a violin and a viola? The violinist's head is bigger.

How do you get two oboes in tune? Shoot one.


And, my all-time favorite:

What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? He works it out with a pencil.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: T'Mar of Vulcan on March 25, 2010, 11:21:32 PM
More lightbulb jokes (lightbulb jokes are my favourite):

Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Huh?... What? Oh, it's dark in here?

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just redefine "darkness" as the industry standard.

Q: How many software designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's a hardware problem.
A: Two. One always leaves the company in the middle of a big project.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem, dude.
A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one. Men will screw anything.

Q: Why does it take three women with PMS to screw in a lightbulb?
A: IT JUST DOES! THAT'S WHY! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!

Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many Real Women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A Real Woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he has to do it three times.

Q: How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 40 - one to do it and 39 to complain that it's electric.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A: It only takes one to change your bulb ... to his.
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
A: 65. 42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house, and 9 to sue the bulb manufacturers.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many standup comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying cross country and the stewardess started telling me about her cat. Man, I hate people who don't use their turn signals. Hey, how about an impression. Here's Jack Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....

I have more, but that's enough for now.  ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Slartibartfast on March 26, 2010, 12:22:17 AM
What's the difference between a trumpet player and a government bond?  Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

What do you do with a bad trumpet player?  Give him two sticks and make him a drummer.

What do you do with a bad drummer?  Take away a stick and make him a conductor!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Slartibartfast on March 26, 2010, 12:23:50 AM
Ooh, and my all-time favorite math joke:

How did Little Johnny know he came from a dysfunctional family?  He failed the vertical line test.

(The vertical line test is the quick-and-dirty test of whether something is a function or not.  If you graph it out and you can draw a vertical line that goes through two points instead of just one, it's not a function.  I know, I know, it's corny, but so was my math teacher.)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: whylime13 on March 26, 2010, 09:31:51 AM
What would a zombie president want to do?  Increase tax on capital gaaaaainnnss.

What did his zombie opponent say?  That's not what you said in your campaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnn



Sorry but sometimes my zombie jokes can get pretty laaaaaaaaaammmmeee.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Outdoor Girl on March 26, 2010, 09:43:23 AM
A three headed, no armed, one legged man was standing on the side of the road.

A car pulls over, the driver opens the passenger door and says:

'ello, 'ello, 'ello.  You look 'armless enough, 'op in.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: whylime13 on March 26, 2010, 09:47:26 AM
How do you catch a unique rabbit?  U nique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?  Tame way U nique up on it
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: WhiteTigerCub on March 26, 2010, 12:49:59 PM
What would a zombie president want to do?  Increase tax on capital gaaaaainnnss.

What did his zombie opponent say?  That's not what you said in your campaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnn



Sorry but sometimes my zombie jokes can get pretty laaaaaaaaaammmmeee.

Here's a whole thread of zombie grooooaning goodness  :D

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=50927.0 (http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=50927.0)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: War_Doc on March 26, 2010, 01:50:17 PM
Then there was the kid who had a question about the sunrise.  It finally dawned on him.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: extranormal on March 26, 2010, 02:11:38 PM
Ooh, and my all-time favorite math joke:

How did Little Johnny know he came from a dysfunctional family?  He failed the vertical line test.

(The vertical line test is the quick-and-dirty test of whether something is a function or not.  If you graph it out and you can draw a vertical line that goes through two points instead of just one, it's not a function.  I know, I know, it's corny, but so was my math teacher.)

Heh. I just told that to my favorite math geek and he loved it. He offers this in exchange:

Why do mathematicians often confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: drebay on March 26, 2010, 02:18:27 PM


How do you get two oboes in tune? Shoot one.



Hey, that's not a joke, it's the truth!  I play the oboe.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Schmoopie3928 on March 26, 2010, 06:59:11 PM
Yay! Lightbulb jokes!! DH and I are having a blast with all of these!!

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog's point of view....

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!

ROTTWEILER: Make me.

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.

BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and..........

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? what Light bulb?

HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: baglady on March 28, 2010, 04:23:25 PM
Oooh, musician jokes! Here's a few more:

What does a banjo player use for birth control? His personality.

What's the definition of perfect pitch? You throw the banjo in the Dumpster and hit the accordion.

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

What did the banjo player get on his IQ test? Drool.

What's the difference between a soprano and a dressmaker? A dressmaker tucks up the frills ...

What's the difference between an orthopedic insole and a conductor? An orthopedic insole bucks up the feet ...

What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy? A puppy eventually stops whining.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: heather on March 28, 2010, 05:14:35 PM
Termite walked into a saloon and asked  'is the bar tender here?'

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?
Dam.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Shea on April 08, 2010, 10:22:17 PM
More lightbulb jokes (lightbulb jokes are my favourite):


Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

I have more, but that's enough for now.  ;D

Variations of that one:

A: Just one. He holds up the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
 or
A: 27. One to screw in the lightbulb and 26 to stand around and say, "I could've done that better."
 or
A: Screw in a lightbulb? That's a job for the techies.

Yeah, I've worked in a theatre for 7 years, how could you tell? ;)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Slartibartfast on April 09, 2010, 01:27:09 AM
How many [I heard "government workers," but you could substitute a lot of jobs here] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three: one to write the proposal, one to do the paperwork, and one to screw it in to the faucet.

(
How many gnats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, same number as it takes to screw anywhere else . . .)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on April 09, 2010, 01:34:19 AM


I just heard this one.


The seal walks into a bar and the bartender says: what would you like?
The seal says: Not the Canadian Club.

thats it from me!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: kitty-cat on April 09, 2010, 09:01:04 AM
More lightbulb jokes (lightbulb jokes are my favourite):


Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

I have more, but that's enough for now.  ;D

Variations of that one:

A: Screw in a lightbulb? That's a job for the techies.

Yeah, I've worked in a theatre for 7 years, how could you tell? ;)

Priceless! I did theatre for 4 years of high school as a tech- I swear if it wasn't for me (costume manager) we would have been putting on shows with actors wearing suits. Birthday suits.... They didn't know what costume was for what scene/act. TBH, I loved the shows with no changes...
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Kendo_Bunny on April 09, 2010, 10:17:07 PM
Two vultures board a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
"I'm sorry," the flight attendant said, "but we only allow one carrion per passenger."
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: SisJackson on April 09, 2010, 11:43:19 PM
Another musician joke:


What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?


The pizza can feed a family of four.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Schmoopie3928 on April 10, 2010, 12:38:08 AM
Did you hear about the dyslexic Agnostic??
He kept wondering if there is a Dog

My mom is a member of DAM: Mothers against Dyslexia.

What do Eskimos get of they sit on the ice too long??
Polaroids!

Why do Gorillas have big nostrils??
Becasue they have big fingers!!

Ba dum dum Crash!

Thank you! Don't forget to tip your waitress!!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Bratski on April 22, 2010, 02:43:40 AM
In my area we make jokes about Newfies (people from Newfoundland & Labrador) the way Americans make redneck jokes. These are my favourite ones:

A Newfie saw his buddy driving a new cherry red convertible and flags him down. "Geez bye how did you get that rig?" he asked. His buddy replied "Well it was the darnedest ting. I was walkin' out of the bar when this pretty blond woman pulls up and tells me to git in the car. I hops in and we drive off. We got to the bluff and she turned to me, pulled offa her drawers, trew them inna back and said "All right Newfie, you can have anything you want.......

Why did the Newfie show up naked at the party?
The hosts told him he didn't have to dress for dinner.

How do you get a one armed Newfie out of a tree?
Wave at him.

How do you confuse a Newfie?
Put in him a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

What is the definition of a Cape Bretoner?
A Newfie who went broke on the way to Ontario.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: LadyClaire on April 22, 2010, 03:17:25 PM
A police officer in Texas sees a man walking through town wearing nothing but boots, a gun, and a cowboy hat. He pulls up alongside him and says "Hey, mister! You can't walk around town naked! What the heck are you doing?"

So the cowboy says "Well, I met this pretty woman in a bar, and she took me back to her apartment. She told me to take off my pants, so I did. Then she told me to take off my shirt, so I did. Then she told me to take off my underwear, so I did, and then she stripped herself naked and got on the bed and said 'Now go to town, cowboy!' So here I am."

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: MinAvi on May 18, 2010, 02:17:04 AM
A man sees a red-neck walking down the road with a sheet of roofing tin in one hand and a carton of beer in the other.

The first man askes the redneck what he is doing. The redneck replies "the wife n me have split" :(.

The first man says "well thats all well and good, but it doesn't explain what you are doing walking down the road with a sheet of tin and a carton"

The redneck replies "well she got the kids and me truck, but I got the house and contents!!"

I crack myself up  ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: DangerMouth on May 18, 2010, 03:29:29 AM
Math Joke!

Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountian goat?
A. Nothing. (the prduct af a vector and a scaler is zero)


NAAAAAMES:

What do you call a girl with a wooden leg?
Peg.

What do you call a girl with one leg?
Ilene.

And If she's Japanese?
Irene.

What do you call the guy hanging on the wall?
Art.

What do you call the guy lying in front of the door?
Matt.

What do you call the guy with no arms and no legs in the pool?
Bob.
.................

There was an African king who lived in a beautiful castle made of grass.  In that house was his prize possession, a golden throne. One day, he got word that the neighboring king was planning to invade and steal the throne.  The king decided to hide the throne in the attic.  As luck would have it, the ceiling collapsed under the weight and the throne hit the king on the head and killed him. Moral?  People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.



Ba-da-Bing!

Thanks, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on May 18, 2010, 06:43:55 AM


Ok one more.

Two sardines went missing in Far North Queensland.
They were later found in Cairns.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Schmoopie3928 on May 18, 2010, 01:47:06 PM
What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves?
Russell

Two guys on a windowsill?
Curt 'n' Rod

 ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Silversurfer on May 19, 2010, 01:42:04 AM
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It fell.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was attached to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
It was playing follow the monkey.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure :D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Ferrets on May 19, 2010, 02:22:48 PM
(Mildly risqué.)

An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are holidaying in California. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home.

He struts proudly into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, and shrugs. "Nope."

Frustrated, Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says: "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

"And do you know WHY it's hanging down, Margaret?"

"Nope."

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Margaret sighs and says, "Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: DangerMouth on May 19, 2010, 03:02:20 PM
OK, that one made me laugh!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Outdoor Girl on May 19, 2010, 03:13:14 PM
4 buddies are out playing a round of golf.  One of them says to the others, 'Wouldn't it be great if we could play a round on Christmas Day?'

They all agree to do everything they can to make it happen.

Come Christmas morning, all four of them are at the golf course.  The first guy says, 'Yeah, my wife is admiring her new diamond ring that I got her so I could be here.'  The second guy says, 'My wife is pouring over the brochures for the vacation I told her we'd take so I could be here.  The third guy says, 'My wife is reading the owner's manual for her new car!'

The fourth guy looks at his buddies like they are all crazy.  'I rolled over, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well, babe.  Is it golf or s3x?'  She said to take a sweater.'
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Wonderflonium on March 06, 2011, 09:33:39 PM
I'm reviving this thread because I want to hear more!

Guy walks into a bar. Ouch.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: T'Mar of Vulcan on March 06, 2011, 10:50:27 PM
I'm reviving this thread because I want to hear more!

Okay, then:

Johnny was very upset that he couldn't go to his friend's birthday party. His mother asked him why he couldn't go. Johnny wailed, "Because the invitation says six to eight and I'm nine!"

 ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Cydrius on March 07, 2011, 02:47:35 PM
You're trapped in a room with a lion, a tiger, and a door to door salesman. You have a pistol with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the salesman. Twice.

(No offense to salespeople. ;))
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: MinAvi on March 07, 2011, 04:54:13 PM
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A dang good start.


(no offense to Lawyers)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Wonderflonium on March 07, 2011, 05:18:18 PM
A rich potato family (go with me here) is watching the news. The daughter thinks the male anchor is the most handsome spud she's ever seen and declares that she wants to marry him. Her father responds, "You can't marry him! He's just a common 'tater!"
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: VorFemme on March 07, 2011, 06:13:27 PM
Slight rewrite of one I told for the first time in 2000.

The real difference between men and women is this - if they think that a blue diamond is going to improve their luck in bed - the men think that the best course of action would be going to the pharmacy and the women think that the best course of action would be going to a jeweler*. 

(I'd watched the movie with Marilyn Monroe singing "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" earlier that week........)

*the jeweler could sell them a wedding band, an egagement ring, or possibly a diamond bracelet for a wife who feels under-appreciated - although it depends on the woman - some might prefer a new top of the line sewing machine, a large gift card to a bookstore, or even season tickets to the theater with her SO going with her to dinner & a show.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Delia DeLyons on March 08, 2011, 07:32:07 AM
     What did the Cannibal Wife give her Cannibal Husband when he showed up late for dinner?


     The cold shoulder  ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Delia DeLyons on March 08, 2011, 07:33:03 AM
     Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married...

     
     ...the ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!!

      :D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Delia DeLyons on March 08, 2011, 07:33:50 AM
     My father's favorite joke:

     What's the definition of a farmer?

     A Man Outstanding in his Field

      ::)  ;)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Seraphia on March 08, 2011, 10:21:59 AM
My Dad's very favorite. Delivery is EVERYTHING on this one.

You know how, when you see a bunch a of geese flying, and they're always in that V shape? Have you ever noticed that when they're in that V shape, one side of the V is always longer than the other? You wanna know why that is?







There's more geese on that side.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Morticia on March 08, 2011, 11:48:21 AM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in shark infested waters?
Chum.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Wonderflonium on March 08, 2011, 11:52:16 AM
My Dad's very favorite. Delivery is EVERYTHING on this one.

You know how, when you see a bunch a of geese flying, and they're always in that V shape? Have you ever noticed that when they're in that V shape, one side of the V is always longer than the other? You wanna know why that is?







There's more geese on that side.

That is so my kind of joke!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Namárië on March 08, 2011, 02:15:44 PM
I am so happy this thread was revived! I LOVE these kinds of jokes!!! I am rereading this thread and cracking up all over again!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Slartibartfast on March 09, 2011, 05:47:19 PM
Finally found my list of pirate-themed jokes :D

Why are pirates called pirates?  They just ARRRRRRR!

Where did the one-legged pirate go for breakfast?  IHOP

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head.  The bartender notices this, and asks "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"  "Arrr . . ." says the pirate.  "I've got a Bounty on me head!"

What do you call 1000 pirates in a room?  Avast conspiracy!

Where did the pirate go to college?  HAAAAAAARvard!

What do pirates from Boston say?  AHHHHHHHHH!

What do a pirate and a bachelor have in common?  They're both lookin' for booty!

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a ninja?  A ninjARRRRRRRRRRR!

What do you call a pirate that skips class?  Captain Hooky!

There once was a pirate who wanted to be a Private Eye.  Unfortunately, he was blind.  So he became a privateer!

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?  A buck-an-ear!

Where do you find very few pirates?  The ARRRRRRRctic!

What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?  "Arrrr, me heartie!"

What does a dyslexic pirate say?   RAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: hobish on March 09, 2011, 06:07:20 PM


The Boston one took me a sec. I love it.

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Ferrets on March 09, 2011, 06:18:14 PM
Finally found my list of pirate-themed jokes :D

And I, for one, am thankful for it. :D

My favourite truly terrible pirate joke:

A young lad got talking to an old pirate, who had an eye patch, a wooden leg, and a hook instead of one hand. Curiously, he asked how the pirate lost his leg.

"Arrrrrrrr, we was at sea, we was, in rough seas, and this gurt huge shark leapt onto the deck, and before I knew it, he was off with me leg."

The youngster was horrified. He said, "That's terrible! Terrible! But how did you lose your hand?"

"Arrrrrrrr, we was at sea, we was, and we was boarded by enemy pirates. I fought hard, but in the midst of it this huge buccaneer sliced off me hand."

"My God," said the young man. "What a dreadful misfortune. But how did you lose your eye?"

"Arrrrrrrr, we was at sea, we was, on a beautiful day. I was lookin' up at the sky when a fat seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

"Great Scott," said the youngster. "I had no idea that seagull faeces was so corrosive!"

"Narrrrrrrr," said the pirate. "Was me first day with the hook."
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Moray on March 09, 2011, 06:55:43 PM
What's the difference between?
    between what?
I'm not giving any hints.

My father's favourite joke was similar:

What is the difference between a duck?
One foot is both the same.

and along those lines:

What do a duck and a baseball have in common?
They both can't drive a tractor
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Shea on March 09, 2011, 07:16:58 PM
My grandmother has mild dementia and thus tends to forget things like what she said five minutes ago. She tells this joke at least once every half hour when people are visiting. Though it must be said she tells it quite well.

A fellow had a female parrot which was always saying "I'm a bad girl, and I want to have a good time!" It was very embarrassing. One day the fellow mentioned the problem to his pastor. The pastor said, "Well, I have two male parrots, and they're always reciting prayers. Why don't you bring your parrot over for a few days? Maybe she'll pick up some prayers from my parrots." So the fellow brought his parrot over to the pastor's house. As soon as he carried her in the door, the parrot piped up, "I'm a bad girl, and I want to have a good time!" The pastor's parrots said, "Our prayers have been answered."

And yes, it is a bit weird to hear your 86-year-old grandmother doing "seductive female parrot" voice.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: esteban on March 09, 2011, 09:23:46 PM
My 93 year old grandfather had dementia before he passed.  One day at breakfast with my parents and my wife and I there he asked my 85 year old grandmother why they don't get intimate more often (although in a cruder way).  She proceeded to describe in great detail the last time she tried.

There are things that once heard cannot be unheard.  Your grandmother describing trying to orally pleasure your grandfather is one of those things.

/full body shudder

In yellow if people have a weak stomach
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on March 10, 2011, 03:39:20 AM
My 93 year old grandfather had dementia before he passed.  One day at breakfast with my parents and my wife and I there he asked my 85 year old grandmother why they don't get intimate more often (although in a cruder way).  She proceeded to describe in great detail the last time she tried.

There are things that once heard cannot be unheard.  Your grandmother describing trying to orally pleasure your grandfather is one of those things.

/full body shudder

In yellow if people have a weak stomach

 :-X
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: bigozzy on March 10, 2011, 05:03:57 AM
Difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?

Gold fish muck around in fountains.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: purplemuse on March 10, 2011, 08:53:35 AM
I wanted to post a good joke about philosophers, but I Kant.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: MizB on March 10, 2011, 05:52:01 PM
Why were the strawberries crying?

a)Because they were in a jam.

or

b)Because they were in a seedy situation.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on March 11, 2011, 04:37:00 AM
Difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?

Gold fish muck around in fountains.

An oldie but a goodie! Love it.  ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: WolfWay on March 11, 2011, 05:19:08 AM
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
What's pink and licks your leg?

A friendly polony.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: bigozzy on March 11, 2011, 05:24:10 AM
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
What's pink and licks your leg?

A friendly polony.

eh?
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: WolfWay on March 11, 2011, 05:41:31 AM
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
What's pink and licks your leg?

A friendly polony.

eh?
A friendly one of these:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bologna_sausage

Sorry, is polony a regional name? Would "a friendly bologna" have made more sense?

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Wonderflonium on March 11, 2011, 08:14:10 AM
Q: What do you call a canary sucked into a fan?
A: Shredded tweet.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: MinAvi on March 11, 2011, 05:15:21 PM
Whats green and red and travels at 1000000mph?


A frog in a blender.


What's green, red and brown and travels at 1000000mph?

A frog in a blender that has been there a week.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: kitty-cat on March 11, 2011, 08:43:40 PM
Difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?

Gold fish muck around in fountains.

An oldie but a goodie! Love it.  ;D

I just got that one!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: VorFemme on March 11, 2011, 08:47:26 PM
What is the difference between God and a surgeon?

God doesn't think he's a surgeon.

Similarly - What is the difference between God and a fighter pilot?

God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

ETA - I've never worked for a surgeon - but I have worked for a fighter pilot........who was also an instructor for the particular fighter plane.   ::) 
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Wonderflonium on March 11, 2011, 09:29:02 PM
Difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?

Gold fish muck around in fountains.

An oldie but a goodie! Love it.  ;D

I just got that one!

I have a similar one, but I'm afraid it might be too risque. It implies a very naughty word.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Wonderflonium on March 11, 2011, 09:30:04 PM
What is the difference between God and a surgeon?

God doesn't think he's a surgeon.

Cardiologists and neurologists (IME) would be good for this joke.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on March 11, 2011, 11:12:37 PM
Difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?

Gold fish muck around in fountains.

An oldie but a goodie! Love it.  ;D

I just got that one!

I have a similar one, but I'm afraid it might be too risque. It implies a very naughty word.

I dosen't involve a magician and a group of blondes does it?  ;)  >:D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: bigozzy on March 12, 2011, 10:54:13 AM
Difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?

Gold fish muck around in fountains.

An oldie but a goodie! Love it.  ;D

I just got that one!

I have a similar one, but I'm afraid it might be too risque. It implies a very naughty word.

I dosen't involve a magician and a group of blondes does it?  ;)  >:D


Magician and a poice man's baton?
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: White Dragon on March 12, 2011, 12:13:01 PM
Whats green and red and travels at 1000000mph?


A frog in a blender.


What's green, red and brown and travels at 1000000mph?

A frog in a blender that has been there a week.

Whats green and red and travels at 1000000mph and goes flying all over your kitchen?

A frog in a blender with the lid left off.  :-X
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: kitty-cat on March 12, 2011, 08:26:03 PM
In the same vein-

What's black and white and red all over?

A skunk in a blender
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Wonderflonium on March 13, 2011, 09:45:55 AM
Difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?

Gold fish muck around in fountains.

An oldie but a goodie! Love it.  ;D

I just got that one!

I have a similar one, but I'm afraid it might be too risque. It implies a very naughty word.

I dosen't involve a magician and a group of blondes does it?  ;)  >:D


Magician and a poice man's baton?

No to both, but I want to hear those jokes! *LOL* It involves Pygmies.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: wonderfullyanonymous on March 13, 2011, 09:28:45 PM
2 potatoes are standing on a corner, which one is the prostitute?

The one stamped Idaho.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Wonderflonium on March 13, 2011, 09:31:55 PM
2 potatoes are standing on a corner, which one is the prostitute?

The one stamped Idaho.

*LMBO* I have GOT to tell that one to my best friend.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: DangerMouth on March 13, 2011, 09:52:52 PM
They finally convicted King Midas.

It was gilt by association.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: LadyClaire on March 14, 2011, 02:55:19 PM
A man goes to his psychologist and says "doc, I've got a huge problem. One minute I think I'm a teepee, and the next I think I'm a wigwam!"

His psychologist said "I see..I think I know what your problem is. You're two tents" (say it out loud..)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Poirot on March 14, 2011, 03:10:53 PM
I didn't read the whole thread, so forgive me if this has been posted.

An 80 year old man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I need your help. My wife is wanting Scrabble all the time, and I just can't keep up anymore. Can you prescribe me some of those 'little blue pills'?"

The doctor says "Well, I have to do some tests to be sure it's safe for you to take." He draws some blood and gives him a jar and says "I'll need a sperm sample, take this home, and bring it back filled next week."

A week passes, and the old man returns to the doctor's office and hands him the jar. The doctor looks at it and says, "But this jar is empty?"

The old man says, "Look doc, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried; we even brought over the cute young neighbor and she tried,but
>
>
>
>wait for it...........
>
>
>

"We just can't get the lid off this, darn jar!"

<sunglasses>  8)

Edited because I forgot 2 key words.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on March 15, 2011, 05:13:41 AM


A Polish guy went to go and get his eyes tested.
The doctor puts the letters CZWOECZWHJKXCZ up and asks can you tell me what that says?
The Polish guy says: Do I know what that says? Heck I know the guy!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Ferrets on March 17, 2011, 06:05:13 PM
Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?

Because it was too far for them to crawl.

;D

And, on that note...

(http://i700.photobucket.com/albums/ww1/Wolfie_Icons/129170654133280618.jpg)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: WolfWay on March 17, 2011, 11:06:15 PM
(http://extraordinaryintelligence.com/files/2010/03/St.-Pat-driving-snakes-out-723585.gif)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: tnpenguinbaby on March 21, 2011, 03:49:13 PM
How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Druids don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles!

What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub?
A self cleaning coven.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

What do you call a dating club for witches?
Craft singles.

What do you say to an angry witch?
Ribbit.


Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: momof2weenies on March 23, 2011, 03:47:08 PM
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Fish.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: POF on March 23, 2011, 05:24:28 PM
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Fish.


Love it !
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Thipu1 on March 24, 2011, 09:49:46 AM
Here's a version of one that Brian Nolan published in the Irish Times many decades ago.  It may be a bit long but it's a goodie.

A military historian and an authority of fine wines were great friends.  they decided to exchange Christmas gifts and spent time looking for just the right thing.

The military historian managed to locate a bottle of rare wine his friend had often mentioned but never had been able to find.

The wine authority stumbled upon something wonderful for his friend.  It was a printed account of the Battle of Marengo with a half-dozen marginal notations in the handwriting of one of Napoleon's officers who had been involved in the engagement. 

The gifts were exchanged at a Christmas lunch and both men agreed that the presents were perfect.  After all, it was an exchange of a six-glass bottle for a six-gloss battle.   
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Bijou on March 27, 2011, 08:57:13 PM
One courtesy of my library kids: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?  Fo'drizzle.

I'm sorry to say my rap culture is very, very small.  I don't understand this one.  My age is showing  :-[
Oh, good.  Then I'm not alone. Hmmm, there has to be a joke somewhere attached to the front of that line.  I once made a cartoon of a big bank safe in the "Garbo National Bank".  There was a voice coming from inside the vault saying, "I vahnt to be a loan...I vahnt to be a loan....".   ::)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Bijou on March 27, 2011, 09:04:55 PM
Mods you can delete this if you want to.  I am censoring it in case I shouldn't say it.  I just made it up today and my dh laughed so I know it must be a groaner.
What is another name for a boobytrap?  A Bra.  
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: baglady on March 27, 2011, 09:34:31 PM
One courtesy of my library kids: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?  Fo'drizzle.

I'm sorry to say my rap culture is very, very small.  I don't understand this one.  My age is showing  :-[
Oh, good.  Then I'm not alone. Hmmm, there has to be a joke somewhere attached to the front of that line.  I once made a cartoon of a big bank safe in the "Garbo National Bank".  There was a voice coming from inside the vault saying, "I vahnt to be a loan...I vahnt to be a loan....".   ::)

There was an actual bank ad (print) I saw years ago that said, "We have money that wants to be a loan!"

Why did Greta Garbo sprinkle grass seed in her hair? She wanted to be a lawn.

"Fo' drizzle" is a play on "Fo' shizzle," which is rapperspeak for "for sure":

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fo%20shizzle



Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Julia Mercer on March 28, 2011, 06:21:34 PM
Thanks everyone for the laughs, after the day I've had, I needed the smile!

Jules
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Slartibartfast on March 29, 2011, 09:22:56 AM
Bijou, I like that one  ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Teabouv on March 29, 2011, 10:54:18 AM
Man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing only plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says "well I can clearly see you're nuts"
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: POF on March 29, 2011, 11:17:06 AM
HAHAHAHHA

Will have to tell that to the boys !
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Delia DeLyons on March 29, 2011, 11:53:58 AM
(Mildly risqué.)


.....

Margaret sighs and says, "Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."

     I have retold this joke many times since reading it here and it gets terrific laughs everytime!  Thanks Ferrets!!!!!!!    ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JadeAngel on March 29, 2011, 08:54:32 PM
Sister Agatha and the Mother Superior are driving down the road late one night in Transylvania when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of their car, baring his fangs and hissing menacingly.

Sister Agatha turns to the Mother Superior who is driving and says 'Oh Mother Superior whatever shall we do?'
Without taking her eyes off the vampire on the hood the Mother Superior replies 'Quick Sister Agatha, show him your cross!'

'Oh of course,' says Sister Agatha, winds down the window, leans out and yells

'Hey %$^hole get the &%*& off the car!'

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: WolfWay on March 29, 2011, 11:27:46 PM
Sister Agatha and the Mother Superior are driving down the road late one night in Transylvania when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of their car, baring his fangs and hissing menacingly.

Sister Agatha turns to the Mother Superior who is driving and says 'Oh Mother Superior whatever shall we do?'
Without taking her eyes off the vampire on the hood the Mother Superior replies 'Quick Sister Agatha, show him your cross!'

'Oh of course,' says Sister Agatha, winds down the window, leans out and yells

'Hey %$^hole get the &%*& off the car!'
That's my favourite joke of all time.

My second favourite is this one:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: WolfWay on March 29, 2011, 11:28:43 PM
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Petticoats on March 30, 2011, 04:32:44 PM
Digging up the thread in which Cemetery Gates described her amazing wedding in Oakland Cemetery (and how cool a wedding idea is that?!) reminded me of my Oakland Cemetery story.

Many years ago, I went on a pilgrimage to Oakland Cemetery with a friend who, like me, is a big fan of Margaret Mitchell and Gone With the Wind. (Not much of a pilgrimage for me, since I live just a few miles away, but anyway.) We wanted to visit Margaret Mitchell's grave and leave roses on it (awwww).

We went to consult the sexton, or whatever cemetery dignitary he was, as to where to find the grave. My friend Janet asked very earnestly, "Sir, can you tell us where Margaret Mitchell is buried?"

He said, "In the ground."

...

He did in fact relent and give us proper directions. We couldn't help wondering how often he got the opportunity to make that joke.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Miss Misery on March 30, 2011, 05:06:55 PM
Q: What's the difference between Edward Cullen and a three-year-old problem child?
A: One is a whiny, clingy, arrogant, selfish brat who throws tantrums and always has to have his way. The other is three years old.

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Let's go ride bikes!

Q: What do you call a fly without wings?
A: A walk.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum it could be done.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Wonderflonium on March 31, 2011, 08:05:15 AM
Slightly risque from "The Vicar of Dibley"

Two nuns and their mother superior die in a car crash. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter says, "You'll each have to answer a question before you get in, but don't worry, it won't be hard." He looks at the first nun and says, "What was the name of the first man?" She replies, "Adam," and St. Peter says, "Right, then, in you go." He looks at the second nun and says, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" She replies, "The Garden of Eden," and St. Peter says, "Right, then, in you go." He then looks at the mother superior and says, "Your question is going to have to be a bit more difficult." She says she understands, so St. Peter asks, "What was the first thing Eve said upon seeing Adam naked?" Mother superior thinks for a minute and mutters to herself, "Oooh, that's a hard one." "Right, then, in you go."
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: T'Mar of Vulcan on March 31, 2011, 09:35:13 AM
My father loved this one:

What's the difference between a duck?
One foot is both the same.

 ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JadeAngel on March 31, 2011, 07:09:43 PM
What happens if you play a country and western song backwards?

You get your wife back, you get your house back, you get your truck back, you get your dog back...
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Ferrets on April 01, 2011, 05:02:31 AM
;D

What do you get if you play Cliff Richard songs backwards?

Messages from God.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Delia DeLyons on April 01, 2011, 06:45:15 AM
     How do you make a tissue dance?




     You put a little boggie in it!!    :D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: sagiegirl on April 19, 2011, 08:27:11 PM
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ether
Ether who?
Ether Bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Nutter
Nutter who?
Nutter Ether Bunny

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella
Stella who?
Stella Nutter Ether Bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo "beep, beep" and run over all the Ether bunnies!


Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Wonderflonium on April 19, 2011, 08:31:35 PM
How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: readingchick on April 20, 2011, 09:37:29 AM
How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way. Unique up on it.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Wonderflonium on April 20, 2011, 09:44:05 AM
How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way. Unique up on it.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D I'd forgotten about that part!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: WolfWay on April 20, 2011, 11:17:24 PM
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.





How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meet Patty.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: violinp on April 21, 2011, 01:57:25 AM
One courtesy of my library kids: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?  Fo'drizzle.

I'm sorry to say my rap culture is very, very small.  I don't understand this one.  My age is showing  :-[
Oh, good.  Then I'm not alone. Hmmm, there has to be a joke somewhere attached to the front of that line.  I once made a cartoon of a big bank safe in the "Garbo National Bank".  There was a voice coming from inside the vault saying, "I vahnt to be a loan...I vahnt to be a loan....".   ::)

ROFL.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on April 21, 2011, 05:44:30 AM
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.



Eww! LOL!!   ;D




How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meet Patty.

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Stormtreader on April 21, 2011, 07:26:29 AM
How many sound engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.....two.....one.....two......

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but it has to really WANT to change.

A friend of mine has just opened up a little buisiness building boats in his attic. Sales have gone through the roof! (say it out loud)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Sirius on April 22, 2011, 07:22:12 PM


How do you get two oboes in tune? Shoot one.



Hey, that's not a joke, it's the truth!  I play the oboe.

True story:  When I was a freshman in high school I learned to play the oboe, although I was never an expert at it.  My band director once told me that I had the tone of a bagpipe in heat.  Which, of course, begs the question:  How do bagpipes mate?  Any answers out there?
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Ferrets on April 22, 2011, 09:33:53 PM
Which, of course, begs the question:  How do bagpipes mate?  

I have no idea, but 'Mating Bagpipes' sounds like a terrific yoga position for an octopus. ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: baglady on April 22, 2011, 09:46:28 PM
An octopus walks into a bar ... .

Seriously, there is a joke about a guy who brings an octopus into a bar and bets the bartender that it can play any musical instrument he puts in front of it. Sure enough, the octopus plays the guitar, fiddle, and a few more ... then someone brings out a bagpipe and says, "Can you play this?"

Octopus: "Play it? I dunno, but get those plaid pajamas off it and I'll play scrabble with it!"
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Nora on April 23, 2011, 12:45:28 PM
My Dad's very favorite. Delivery is EVERYTHING on this one.

You know how, when you see a bunch a of geese flying, and they're always in that V shape? Have you ever noticed that when they're in that V shape, one side of the V is always longer than the other? You wanna know why that is?







There's more geese on that side.

I just executed this joke perfectly. DH went *facepalm*.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Nora on April 23, 2011, 01:06:33 PM
Difference between a gold fish and a mountain goat?

Gold fish muck around in fountains.

*applauds*
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: readingchick on April 24, 2011, 07:19:14 AM
So this guy goes into a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup. He sees a fly, alerts the waiter to the fact that there's a fly in the soup. The waiter says "That's understandable, our chef used to be a tailor."
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: White Dragon on April 24, 2011, 10:52:14 AM
Which, of course, begs the question:  How do bagpipes mate?  

I have no idea, but 'Mating Bagpipes' sounds like a terrific yoga position for an octopus. ;D

What's the difference between the bagpipes and onions?

People cry when you chop up onions.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Paper Roses on April 25, 2011, 09:33:37 PM


How do you get two oboes in tune? Shoot one.



Hey, that's not a joke, it's the truth!  I play the oboe.

True story:  When I was a freshman in high school I learned to play the oboe, although I was never an expert at it.  My band director once told me that I had the tone of a bagpipe in heat.  Which, of course, begs the question:  How do bagpipes mate?  Any answers out there?

Very carefully.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: WolfWay on April 29, 2011, 07:07:32 AM


How do you get two oboes in tune? Shoot one.



Hey, that's not a joke, it's the truth!  I play the oboe.

True story:  When I was a freshman in high school I learned to play the oboe, although I was never an expert at it.  My band director once told me that I had the tone of a bagpipe in heat.  Which, of course, begs the question:  How do bagpipes mate?  Any answers out there?

Very carefully.
I was going to say "very noisily". (Now I'm imagining a chorus of Squeeee Hoooonk Sqwurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Parp noises).

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: sisbam on June 15, 2011, 01:09:08 PM
What do you get when you cross a pub with nuclear power plant?

Fission chips
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Wonderflonium on June 15, 2011, 02:08:11 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Hollanda on June 15, 2011, 04:32:22 PM
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"

---

A white horse walks into a bar.  The barman says "We have a whisky named after you."
The horse says "What, Eric?"

---

A ham sandwich walks into a bar.  The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food."

I have more :/
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: RegionMom on June 15, 2011, 04:55:13 PM
More, then, please!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Ms_Cellany on June 15, 2011, 05:14:36 PM
More geek puns:

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?

lelephantl lgrapel sine(theta)

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountaineer?

You can't. A mountaineer is a scaler.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Ms_Cellany on June 15, 2011, 05:15:41 PM
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two.

---------------------------
How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

------------------------------
How many Harvard feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's RADCLIFFE feminists, and it's STILL not funny!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Sanity Lost on June 15, 2011, 06:17:22 PM
The Blonds Revenge!

Whats brown black and blue all over?
A brunette that's told too many blond jokes

What do brunettes miss the most about a great party?
The invitation

Yes I'm a blond  ;D

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: MinAvi on June 15, 2011, 06:49:39 PM
Why are blode jokes so short?


So men can remember them.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: T'Mar of Vulcan on June 16, 2011, 02:12:31 AM
My favourite blonde jokes:

What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm soooo drunk!"

What's the mating call of the desperate blonde?
"Hey! I said I'm drunk!"

What's the mating call of the brunette?
"All the blondes have gone home!"

What's the mating call of the redhead?
"Next!"

 ;D

I also like this one:

A blonde and a brunette living in Jo'Burg are discussing which is further away, the moon or Cape Town. The blonde says obviously it's Cape Town. The brunette disagrees, but the blonde says, "Well, can you see Cape Town from here?"
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JonGirl on June 16, 2011, 06:01:46 AM
My favourite blonde jokes:

What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm soooo drunk!"

What's the mating call of the desperate blonde?
"Hey! I said I'm drunk!"

What's the mating call of the brunette?
"All the blondes have gone home!"

What's the mating call of the redhead?
"Next!"

 ;D

I also like this one:

A blonde and a brunette living in Jo'Burg are discussing which is further away, the moon or Cape Town. The blonde says obviously it's Cape Town. The brunette disagrees, but the blonde says, "Well, can you see Cape Town from here?"


You win!!   ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Hollanda on June 16, 2011, 08:57:51 AM
I eat my peas with honey
I have done all my life
It makes my peas taste funny
But it keeps them on the knife.
(Anonymous)

---
Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
I wish, I wish he’d go away...

When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door... (slam!)

Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away

(Anon)

The nonsense poems tickle me.  It might explain why I knew the script to "Green Eggs and Ham" by Dr Seuss when I was 3. :(

Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: PeasNCues on June 16, 2011, 09:10:41 AM
That's okay, though. I knew Go, Dogs, Go!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: sisbam on June 16, 2011, 09:54:18 AM
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish and Hop on Pop
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: JadeAngel on June 21, 2011, 12:19:16 AM
What does a blondes father say to her when she's going out to a party?
If you're not in bed by midnight come home...



A blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are at the gym. They're in the changing room when the gym instructor walks in and says 'See that mirror, it's magical. You stand in front of it, make a wish, and say something about yourself. If it's true you get your wish, if it's not you get sucked into the mirror for all eternity.'

The brunette goes and stands in front of the mirror, closes her eyes, and then says 'I think I'm the smartest girl in this room'... there's a ringing sound from the mirror and then the brunette checks her bank balance on her mobile phone and goes skipping out of the room.

The redhead goes and stands in front of the mirror, closes her eyes, and then says 'I think I'm the sexiest girl in this room'... there's a ringing sound from the mirror and the redhead goes to the window to see a brand new porsche sitting in the parking lot and goes skipping from the room.

The blonde looks around and says 'Wow, this really works!' So she stands in front of the mirror, closes her eyes and then says 'I think...'

And she's immediately sucked into the mirror!
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Julia Mercer on December 11, 2013, 11:41:56 PM
I know this thread is old, but I couldn't resist this one

What goes clippity clop, clippity clop clippity clop BANG, clippity clop, clippity clop, clippity clop?

An Amish drive by shooting
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Diane AKA Traska on December 12, 2013, 06:06:16 AM
 :o

Is this really the first post in two and a half years?!

I remember this thread... oh my...
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: cwm on December 12, 2013, 10:34:10 AM
OH bless you all for reviving this. I needed fresh blood in my bad jokes file at home. And now, some submissions for careful consideration.


What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
A bull has the horns up front and the butthole in the back.


A girl went on a date with a trumpet player. She came back and her roommate asked her how it was. "Oh, his kisses were so tight and dry, not good at all." The next night she went on a date with a tuba player. She came back, and again her roommate asked her how it was. "His kisses were so sloppy, it was just disgusting." The next night, she went out with a french horn player. She came home and her roommate again asked her how it was. "Well, his kisses weren't so bad, but I loved how he held me."


When I get home tonight I'll have so many more.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: GlitterIsMyDrug on December 12, 2013, 10:43:20 AM
Three guys walks into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Slartibartfast on December 12, 2013, 04:09:51 PM
How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?  Too.
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: readingchick on December 12, 2013, 04:27:07 PM
I know this thread is old, but I couldn't resist this one

What goes clippity clop, clippity clop clippity clop BANG, clippity clop, clippity clop, clippity clop?

An Amish drive by shooting

Alternate punchline: A drive-by shooting on Mackinac Island
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: CrochetFanatic on December 13, 2013, 02:47:18 AM
This is one of my dad's favorite jokes/stories.



John went to visit his old grandfather in a secluded area of Georgia. After chatting all night John’s grandfather made a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film on his plate, and questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal!"

For lunch John worried that the plates had dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

The old man said, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don’t want to hear any more about it!"

Later that afternoon, as John was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, not letting him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car."

The old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Ser Lucien Liliane on December 14, 2013, 02:03:34 AM
Long one, but a good'un...

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "You got any grapes?"
Bartender says "No, we don't serve grapes here."
Duck says "Oh" and walks out.

Duck walks in the next day. "Got any grapes?"
Bartender says "I already told you, we don't serve grapes here."
Duck says "Oh" and walks out.

Duck walks in the next day... "Got any grapes?"
Bartender gets mad and starts shouting. "I've told you for the past two days that we don't serve grapes here! If you come in here and ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the floor!"
Duck walks out...

Duck walks in the very next day. "Got any nails?"
"Nope."
"Got any grapes?"

;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: VorFemme on December 14, 2013, 02:19:39 PM
What do you call a man who doesn't argue about seeing a doctor after he falls off the roof?



Unconscious.

(In memory of VorGuy falling off a roof & refusing to see a doctor for three days.  If anyone wonders - the doctor chewed him out quite adequately for "failure to take proper care of government equipment - i.e. HIMSELF. His elbow now lets him know when the weather is going to change...)
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: White Dragon on December 14, 2013, 05:44:08 PM
(You have to tell this joke with the appropriate animal voices)

A chicken walks into a library, strolls up to the librarian and clucks "Boooook, booook, book!"

Surprised and more than a bit mystified, the librarian checks out a best seller and gives it to the chicken.
The chicken takes the book in her beak and leaves.

The next day, the chicken is back. It drops the book on the floor, stares at the librarian and again clucks "Booook, boooook, book book book."

The baffled librarian again selects a popular book, checks it out and gives it to the chicken.
The chicken takes the book and leaves.

Next morning, the chicken is back yet again, dropping yesterday's read and demanding "Booook, booook, book, book, book."
Once again, a book is signed out to the chicken.

At this point, the librarian cannot bear the mystery any longer. Who is this chicken, why is she checking out books and why are the books being returned after just one day?

As the chicken left, the librarian followed.
Out the door, across the street, and through the park.
The chicken made her way down the edge of the pond, where a huge bulldog perched on a lily pad.

The chicken dropped the book on the bank and declared "Book!"

To which the frog replied "Read it, read it...."

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Groaners
Post by: Sanity Lost on December 17, 2013, 07:34:53 AM
What is brown and black and blue all over.
A Brunette who has told too many blonde jokes

What do Brunettes miss the most about a great party?
The invitation

What did the rock say to the geologist?
Don't take me for granite

 >:D