Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Life...in general => Dating => Topic started by: whiterose on August 09, 2010, 06:30:17 AM

Title: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: whiterose on August 09, 2010, 06:30:17 AM
On an online dating site, I had been exchanging emails with a fellow who seems to be just what I am looking for. We click so well online! Well, he asked me if I wanted to have coffee.

I told him that yes, I would like to. I told him when I am available this week rather specifically (and stated it was due to a weird work schedule this week- which is true, I have do adjust my shifts due to a special program I am a guest at). I told him I was available Friday and Saturday after 7PM, as well as Sunday pretty much the whole day.

Was this too forward? Should I have simply said yes and asked him when was he available? Keep in mind that I can NOT access this (or any) dating site through my job's computers; and that some days I do not get home from work and gym till after 8PM. Should I have been a bit more mysterious and not stated my availability yet? Do you think my stating my availability (as well as saying this week at work was odd) would be coming across too strong, even though he was the one who asked? Men here, would you be put off by this?

Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: DangerMouth on August 09, 2010, 06:49:18 AM
Not too forward, but as Friday and Saturday after 7pm is prime 'dinner date' territory, it could look like you were angling for a dinner invitation instead of just coffee. I might have something like "I'd love to, but the only day I'm free during the day this week is Sunday, how's that for you?"
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: whiterose on August 09, 2010, 06:53:24 AM
Honestly, that did not even cross my mind.

I am legitimately working until about that time on Friday and Saturday. I am literally unavailable before that.

In no way was I being passive-aggressive and trying to get a dinner invitation out of him. On the contrary, I said I did want to meet him up for coffee.

That, and I usually have very light suppers- another reason why it honestly did not cross my mind.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Ferrets on August 09, 2010, 06:54:40 AM
I think you were fine. Explaining about your work schedule probably wasn't absolutely necessary, but I don't think it falls into the realm of "inappropriate" TMI as such.

As for saying when you were free - that was fine, IMO. He asked, you answered, and your answer leaves him able to suggest a time which works for him, whilst knowing it'll also work for you - win/win. Whilst "Sure! When are you free?" would also have been perfectly fine, there's then the potential for a lot of niggly back-and-forthing of "How's x time for you?"/"Well, actually, not great - how about Y?"/"Ooh, can't do that - is Z good for you?", and so on, and so forth. :)
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: penelope2017 on August 09, 2010, 07:02:28 AM
Agreed about dinner date. You may not have been angling for it, but if he's asking about having coffee, I would not think to schedule a coffee for after 7 on a Friday or Saturday night. Plus I think suggesting coffee is trying to avoid scheduling a get-together during those time.

If you are only available on Friday or Saturday at that time, I'd have skipped including those days. Whether you have light suppers or not is irrelevant. The heaviness or ingredients of the meal is not what makes getting together at those times more serious. It is the time of the meal, the length of the meal and the extra formality of the event that makes a dinner date more serious in terms of the relationship.

An invite to coffee is much less serious. It's a quick getting to meet you and out of there if for some reason there's no spark.

Next time, give him the chance to respond with a suggestion first. You're not trying to beat a clock that you need to get in as much info as possible a soon as possible because you work long hours and can't check the site again till tomorrow. What's the difference if you wait a day? or a weekend?

Immediately responding with three days worth of availability and scheduling when he casually suggests possibly getting together for coffee, including Friday and Saturday night, reeks slightly of desperation to me.

Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: LifeOnPluto on August 09, 2010, 07:02:59 AM
Given that you had a rather tricky schedule, I think you were fine. If you made it clear you were just interested in coffee (ie that you weren't fishing for a dinner date) there's nothing wrong with your reply.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: whiterose on August 09, 2010, 07:04:07 AM


As for saying when you were free - that was fine, IMO. He asked, you answered, and your answer leaves him able to suggest a time which works for him, whilst knowing it'll also work for you - win/win. Whilst "Sure! When are you free?" would also have been perfectly fine, there's then the potential for a lot of niggly back-and-forthing of "How's x time for you?"/"Well, actually, not great - how about Y?"/"Ooh, can't do that - is Z good for you?", and so on, and so forth. :)

Yup, that's what I was avoiding. Especially given the fact that my job blocks dating sites, so it would take a while to communicate such info.

Given that you had a rather tricky schedule, I think you were fine. If you made it clear you were just interested in coffee (ie that you weren't fishing for a dinner date) there's nothing wrong with your reply.

I hope I was.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: whiterose on August 09, 2010, 07:06:14 AM


Immediately responding with three days worth of availability and scheduling when he casually suggests possibly getting together for coffee, including Friday and Saturday night, reeks slightly of desperation to me.



That is what I feared- coming across as desperate. I do not want to scare him off.

On the other hand, I did want to avoid communication breakdowns.

I did go to coffee once on a Friday at 6PM. He was the one who invited me and I agreed. We worked out the time and day- but do not remember the exact details.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Surianne on August 09, 2010, 08:46:19 AM
Agreed about dinner date. You may not have been angling for it, but if he's asking about having coffee, I would not think to schedule a coffee for after 7 on a Friday or Saturday night. Plus I think suggesting coffee is trying to avoid scheduling a get-together during those time.

Interesting how that differs...to me evenings after supper are the perfect time for tea/coffee, so this wouldn't have struck me as strange at all!
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Red1979 on August 09, 2010, 09:29:08 AM


Immediately responding with three days worth of availability and scheduling when he casually suggests possibly getting together for coffee, including Friday and Saturday night, reeks slightly of desperation to me.



That is what I feared- coming across as desperate. I do not want to scare him off.

On the other hand, I did want to avoid communication breakdowns.

I did go to coffee once on a Friday at 6PM. He was the one who invited me and I agreed. We worked out the time and day- but do not remember the exact details.

I don't see the desperation at all.   I personally think it was smart to give him your actual schedule rather than go back and forth when you can't get to email as easily as you would like. 

As for friday and saturday the 'angling for a dinner invite" wouldn't even occur to me.  I'd assume that you'd be up for a late evening coffee or an after dinner coffee.  You didn't say meet exactly at 7--you said you were "free after 7" that leaves quite a few hours open.

Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Hanna on August 09, 2010, 11:18:43 AM
I think you were fine.

I once heard that when you truly meet the right person, there is no way you can mess it up.
I like that advice.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: DavidH on August 09, 2010, 12:57:56 PM
I think it's fine to give those details.  Particularly over email, it's a pain to go back and forth with times and dates when you can cover it quickly in one email.  I probably wouldn't respond to it suggesting dinner, but might say how about coffee on Sunday or maybe dessert on Friday or Saturday. 

One thing to remember is meeting for dinner is more about the occasion and the social interaction than the food, so even if you have only a light dinner, meeting for that may be something to consider later on.

If you could access an email site but not a dating site while at work, I'd suggest getting an email address for this type of interaction.  Something like whiterose@yourfavoritefreeemail.com. 
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: DangerMouth on August 09, 2010, 01:07:12 PM
I think you were fine.

I once heard that when you truly meet the right person, there is no way you can mess it up.
I like that advice.


I really like that :D

Also, whiterose, I don't think you sounded at all desperate.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Miss Understood on August 09, 2010, 01:20:39 PM
I wouldn't see it as angling for a dinner invitation, but I wouldn't have mentioned that I had nothing social planned for basically the entire weekend.  That does make you sound a little over-eager.  I probably would have just suggested Sunday afternoon and left it up to him to suggest an alternative if that didn't work for him.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: shhh its me on August 09, 2010, 01:43:03 PM
  I think you were fine but it would have been an improvement to add " This week is weird at at work so I'd only be available after 7 Friday and Saturday  but  next week I'd be more available, after 5 weekday(name 2 ) or Saturday/Sunday afternoon(pick one)"

I don't think you were too forward but I think you gave a very limited  and slightly unusual choice for a "let's have coffee"
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Danismom on August 09, 2010, 02:08:53 PM
I personally think it might have been wiser to mention only Sunday or at most either Friday or Saturday night plus Sunday (but not both "date nights").  I don't think you were too forward overall.  I suggest holding back a little more next time you talk though to kind of balance things out.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Red1979 on August 09, 2010, 02:13:19 PM
Maybe this is all a regional thing, but seriously no one in my circles or area would blink at the date and times you suggested for coffee.  Maybe because it's metro NYC and people tend to be out late and do things?  They'd just think that's when you had time and go from there.  Maybe it's the fast paced and the fact that you fit in meetings and outings whenever you can. 

And I wouldn't take the advice to "hold back" next time you talk.  Be yourself and be polite.  Someone who likes you isn't going to care that you gave him the actual times you were free instead of overthinking it and worrying about the appearance of your free time rather than the facts.  Frankly, I'd put doing the latter into a playing games category which would be a huge turnoff for me and most likely a dealbreaker.

Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Deetee on August 09, 2010, 02:19:30 PM
If this was the first post from you, I'd be like "Nope, not too forward, just geting the information out there" but I recall your previous posts on dating and I think you are right to second guess yourself. You are rightfully aware  that you do tend to come across as over eager (I do recall one thread where you had a verbal arrangement, followed it up with a facebook message, a wall post and phone calls (including one from a pay phone three blocks away in case he was blocking your number))

So in your case, when in doubt, back off.

Hi,

It would be great to see you again. Coffee would be nice. I'm free on Sunday afternoon.

whiterose
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: whiterose on August 09, 2010, 02:59:43 PM
Well, the good news is, he did reply with the times he was available. So hopefully that means I was not too forward and it did not scare him off. Due to his work hours, it was for the better that I stated mine.

Haven't replied- cannot reply from work, only see what he wrote thanks to its arriving to my regular email.

I do not want to scare him off. I have not been this excited about a first date since early last year. 
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Surianne on August 09, 2010, 06:41:12 PM
Well, the good news is, he did reply with the times he was available. So hopefully that means I was not too forward and it did not scare him off. Due to his work hours, it was for the better that I stated mine.

Haven't replied- cannot reply from work, only see what he wrote thanks to its arriving to my regular email.

I do not want to scare him off. I have not been this excited about a first date since early last year. 

Great news!  I hope it goes well for you.

I too have noticed that you've seemed eager in the past when talking about dating/marriage (not necessarily when talking to guys), but I think you're handling it quite well right now  :)  And I agree very much with Red's post here:

Maybe this is all a regional thing, but seriously no one in my circles or area would blink at the date and times you suggested for coffee.  Maybe because it's metro NYC and people tend to be out late and do things?  They'd just think that's when you had time and go from there.  Maybe it's the fast paced and the fact that you fit in meetings and outings whenever you can. 

And I wouldn't take the advice to "hold back" next time you talk.  Be yourself and be polite.  Someone who likes you isn't going to care that you gave him the actual times you were free instead of overthinking it and worrying about the appearance of your free time rather than the facts.  Frankly, I'd put doing the latter into a playing games category which would be a huge turnoff for me and most likely a dealbreaker.

If the guy likes you, I hope he'd think "Great, she's flexible this weekend, I look forward to meeting her!" rather than "Hmm, she's free a little TOO often for my liking..."  You know?
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Brentwood on August 09, 2010, 06:59:59 PM
Agreed about dinner date. You may not have been angling for it, but if he's asking about having coffee, I would not think to schedule a coffee for after 7 on a Friday or Saturday night. Plus I think suggesting coffee is trying to avoid scheduling a get-together during those time.

Interesting how that differs...to me evenings after supper are the perfect time for tea/coffee, so this wouldn't have struck me as strange at all!

It wouldn't strike me as strange either.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: whiterose on August 09, 2010, 08:22:43 PM
I am not good at playing games and it would totally turn me off if someone was playing games or was expecting me to play "hard to get".

And I am glad that people have noticed that I am handling it better now.

In retrospect, anyone I may have scared off, I have realized that they were wrong for me anyway regardless.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Danismom on August 09, 2010, 09:43:39 PM
Just to clarify, I wasn't meaning play hard to get or anything of the sort.  I simply meant that it might be wise to be a little more selective in how "out there" you are.  There's a difference between playing games/hard to get and offering someone your entire life on the first meet.  The list of availability sounded more to me like "oh, I have to work some but WHENEVER I'm free, I'm available to you".  I don't think that is a wise dynamic to set up in any burgeoning relationship.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Miss Understood on August 09, 2010, 10:14:03 PM
Just to clarify, I wasn't meaning play hard to get or anything of the sort.  I simply meant that it might be wise to be a little more selective in how "out there" you are.  There's a difference between playing games/hard to get and offering someone your entire life on the first meet.  The list of availability sounded more to me like "oh, I have to work some but WHENEVER I'm free, I'm available to you".  I don't think that is a wise dynamic to set up in any burgeoning rel@tionship.

That was where my response was coming from too, but I have to admit that whiterose's former threads influenced my impression of this one.  I should have just taken it at face value for this individual situation, and whiterose, I apologize if my response caused you any unnecessary anxiety.

I am very happy that things turned out well and hope that you have a wonderful time on your date!
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Jolie_kitten on August 10, 2010, 03:09:02 AM
Agreed about dinner date. You may not have been angling for it, but if he's asking about having coffee, I would not think to schedule a coffee for after 7 on a Friday or Saturday night. Plus I think suggesting coffee is trying to avoid scheduling a get-together during those time.

Interesting how that differs...to me evenings after supper are the perfect time for tea/coffee, so this wouldn't have struck me as strange at all!
That makes us two :):)
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Alex the Seal on August 10, 2010, 06:43:50 AM
Maybe this is all a regional thing, but seriously no one in my circles or area would blink at the date and times you suggested for coffee.  Maybe because it's metro NYC and people tend to be out late and do things?  They'd just think that's when you had time and go from there.  Maybe it's the fast paced and the fact that you fit in meetings and outings whenever you can. 

And I wouldn't take the advice to "hold back" next time you talk.  Be yourself and be polite.  Someone who likes you isn't going to care that you gave him the actual times you were free instead of overthinking it and worrying about the appearance of your free time rather than the facts.  Frankly, I'd put doing the latter into a playing games category which would be a huge turnoff for me and most likely a dealbreaker.



I agree (although I'm not from NYC... I wish!).

I actually take a very similar approach to event planning, with anyone. It just makes sense for someone to lay their availability on the table, and the other person to see what matches. It's efficient, that's all :)
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Ms Aspasia on August 13, 2010, 01:48:20 AM
I wouldn't see it as angling for a dinner invitation, but I wouldn't have mentioned that I had nothing social planned for basically the entire weekend.  That does make you sound a little over-eager.  I probably would have just suggested Sunday afternoon and left it up to him to suggest an alternative if that didn't work for him.
POD.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: whiterose on August 13, 2010, 08:51:34 AM
Well, we are going to dinner at a cafe tomorrow. His idea- not mine- based on our schedules for the week.

He seems like a sweetheart so far. He even offered me his number first!

Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Surianne on August 13, 2010, 08:52:31 AM
Great, I hope it goes well for you!
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: Alex the Seal on August 14, 2010, 04:19:12 AM
Hope you have a great time, Whiterose  :)
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: LemonLady on August 14, 2010, 05:29:34 PM
yes! Please keep us updated about how it goes.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: whiterose on August 15, 2010, 07:40:22 AM
It went well. There were no lulls. We had good rapport and made each other laugh. We have many things in common. We see eye to eye in our political (well mostly) and religious beliefs.

I do not know if he felt any chemistry, though, given the way he said goodbye at the end. I do not know if he felt intimidated by me. Or if it was my not wanting to go somewhere else (by car) for dessert- we just had a cheesecake at the cafe instead (I do not feel comfortable getting into a car with someone I have just met, but did not state so explicitly) or what.

He did reveal his share of TMI (not graphic, but not what the most socially sophisticated person would reveal so early on either)- which did not make me bat an eyelash since it was not graphic after all. He is certainly a great person and I find him attractive. I dropped a hint on the dating service's message exchange that I would like to see him again. He knows I will be out of the country part of next week.
Title: Re: Was this reply too forward?
Post by: WillyNilly on August 26, 2010, 10:43:09 AM
I'm late to this thread but I'm glad your date went well.

Honestly, I think so long as you are honest and polite and totally yourself, its hard to be too forward.  If you are an eager forward person, its who you are.  You can only present yourself as yourself, or rather you only should.  And eventually you'll find someone out there who reacts well to eager and forward.  I know for me personally, I have my quirks and one of them is I appreciate forwardness - even if I'm not interested I like knowing exactly where the other person is coming from.  I once sent a first email to a potential suitor on a dating site that opened with some references to things in the profile I found particularly attractive and "where ya been all my life?"... and it garnered me a great Friday night dinner & show first date.

I was mostly prompted to reply to say good for you on declining getting in his car.  Its one thing to be eager and forward, its a whole 'nother thing to be stupid.  I agree with you getting into a near-stranger's car is dangerous and I commend you on declining, even though you enjoyed spending time with him.