Etiquette Hell

General Etiquette => Family and Children => Topic started by: HushHush on August 10, 2010, 09:55:20 AM

Title: Snoring
Post by: HushHush on August 10, 2010, 09:55:20 AM
If someone is snoring loudly, who should move to another room to get some sleep?  The non-snorer as they have control over their actions or the snorer for disrupting the sleep of the other person/people in the room?  If there is more than two people in the room, such as family visiting and people sleeping on air mattresses on the floor, does it change?
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: MaggieB on August 10, 2010, 10:10:01 AM
I think the person who is bothered should take responsibilities for changing their circumstances. 

Ideally this would be worked out before bedtime, though.  I think that if someone knows they snore, they should warn people they will be sharing a room with so that their roommates can arrange for ear plugs/headphones, plan to sleep on the couch, etc.

In a family situation I would think everyone would be aware of the snoring ahead of time, so there should be a plan for when the snorer starts snoring.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: Jocelyn on August 10, 2010, 10:22:08 AM
Snoring isn't like other annoying behaviors, in that the snorer cannot control it. The alternative would be to require the snorer to stay awake all night to avoid snoring. I think it would be rude to awaken someone and tell them to move, rather than just moving myself. If the alternative accommodations are satisfactory, why would the disturbed person mind switching? And if they're in some way unsatisfactory (eg, a narrow short couch), it sort of comes off as vindictive- I will disturb YOUR sleep and demand you sleep on the short couch because you disturbed mine.
OTOH, I think that snorers owe it to whomever they may be sharing sleeping space with, to warn them that they snore and be prepared to pay for alternative arrangements if the snoring is just too much for the nonsnorers to sleep through.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: HeebyJeebyLeebee on August 10, 2010, 10:30:31 AM
As much as I would love to kick Sweet Pattootie out to another room, it's just easier for me to move.  

1) I'm already awake
2) He's really grumpy when he's woken up
3) The snoring already compromises the quality of his sleep.  Waking him up and making him get up and move would further compromise it.  
4) He'd still be grumpy and annoyed with me in the morning.  No sense in us both being grumpy and annoyed with each other.

I don't think it's fair - not by a long shot.  But it's easier.   ::)  I really want him to finish the sleep study and get on a c-pap.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: Judah on August 10, 2010, 11:00:10 AM
I don't think there is a right or wrong, you do what works for your situation.  I make an effort to fall asleep before DH, because once I'm asleep I don't hear his snoring unless it's extremely loud.  But if DH knows he's going to be snoring a lot (allergies, cold, etc.), he goes to another room to sleep so that he doesn't run the risk of disturbing my sleep. 
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: HushHush on August 10, 2010, 11:33:16 AM
The reason I ask...

Dh snores.  He's also a reasonably light sleeper and wakens if I get out of bed but is back to sleep within a minute.  I'm a reasonably heavy sleeper except lately I've been having a harder time falling asleep and I wake several times a night (he does too).

We have a guest room with a queen size bed and an office with a futon.  We've tried several times to sleep in separate rooms but we like sleeping in the same bed so last night, I moved to the guest room when I couldn't sleep due to dh's snoring.  He feels badly and thinks he should move to one of the other beds and I feel that I'm the one with the issue and he isn't snoring on purpose so I'll move.

He uses breathe right strips which help some but he has a weird septum from a broken nose when he was a kid and should probably have it fixed but he's a pilot and doesn't want to have anything on his health record.  Plus he's a wimp with pain.  ;)
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: BurninDinner on August 10, 2010, 12:22:16 PM
I think it's really up to the individual couple to work out, versus having a standard that everyone should adhere to.  For us, DH moves when he snores.  We co-sleep with a baby and a toddler, so I get to keep the comfy king bed with them. 
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: kingsrings on August 10, 2010, 12:41:19 PM
In our group of friends, when we do overnight activities, we have a rule: all the snorers sleep together in the same area, away from the rest of us who would be disrupted by it. I've also seen this rule in place at other get-away events. Problem solved.

To me, it's on the person who is unintentionally being disruptive (the snorer) to find a solution.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: Rosey on August 10, 2010, 12:50:05 PM
Well, DH and I agree that we would rather sleep together with his snoring than separately and in peace.  ;)

However, I tend to think the snorer should move. If there are four people in a room and one is snoring, it makes more sense for the one person to move.

If it's just two people, it probably depends on who moves easiest. I don't sleep as heavily as my DH, but I also LOVE sleeping on couches. I would sleep on a couch every night if I could find a way to comfortably fit my DH and MyBestFriend dog with me.  ;D It makes more sense for me to move. I would hate to see someone tell their spouse, who maybe can't sleep anywhere except his own bed, that he has to move since he's the one who is snoring.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: HeebyJeebyLeebee on August 10, 2010, 01:26:27 PM
In our group of friends, when we do overnight activities, we have a rule: all the snorers sleep together in the same area, away from the rest of us who would be disrupted by it. I've also seen this rule in place at other get-away events. Problem solved.


LOL!  When Sweet Pattootie and I camp with other people, we usually rent 2 or more congruent campsites and set set our tent as far away from the others as possible (suggesting we use the area in the middle of the sites as the common area).  I always wear earplugs, and I bring new, unused extras for anyone who needs them.

One friend didn't believe me when I said SP's snoring sounded like a growling mad animal.  Then he camped with us.   >:D 
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: Information_queen on August 10, 2010, 01:36:16 PM
In our house, I'm the snorer, but my husband moves to the couch if it wakes him up. Mostly because I'm a very heavy sleeper and it is impossible to wake me up, even just enough to get me to roll over.

He can sleep through it if he's already asleep, so I try to get him to go to bed before I do. However, if I'm really tired and he is showing no signs of getting sleepy, I give him fair warning and then go to bed. I am only willing to compromise so far, and staying up and compromising my sleep is just too far past the line.

We just keep a blanket stored near the couch, and his eye mask, and it works pretty well for us. I'd rather be in the same bed all the time, but he is bringing in the only income right now so he really needs to be alert at work!
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: Clara Bow on August 11, 2010, 04:59:39 AM
I have earplugs. They are miraculous.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: squashedfrog on August 11, 2010, 05:15:17 AM
Its me thats bothered so its me that leaves.  Though we have been trying to work together to sort the problem.

I also have earplugs, and had to go through a few makes to get ones that shut out the noise.  I finally got some from a gun range (clay pigeon shooting) which made the noise only mildly worth beating him to death with his own slippers while he sleeps.  I have herbal sleeping aids too.

I have also bought him non allergy nose strips, which also do help a bit.  when all else fails, I gently kick the bed in between us to make it bounce in order to try and get him to turn over.

But to be honest, I just go in the next room if I have an important meeting in the morning.  Or am just on the point of homicide.

Essentially with my chap snoring, its like trying to throw cotton balls on the pavement to drown out the sound of a pneumatic drill.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: blarg314 on August 11, 2010, 06:52:32 AM

If it's a regular issue, then the burden should be shared.

In other words, the non snoring spouse shouldn't be relegated to sleeping on a lumpy couch for the rest of the marriage for something that isn't their fault. The same applies to someone who snores and can't help it. So they can take turns.

This, of course, assumes, that the snorer has gone to a doctor to check for underlying medical problems, and tried the standard remedies. If they insist that they don't snore, then they should sleep on the floor.  >:(
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: Akarui Kibuno on August 11, 2010, 07:15:44 AM
I snore. A lot, it seems, at least according to Plushie. My mom never complained about it (we had to share a room for a few months, difficult situation) , but I guess that's because she's my mom  ;D .

Plushie has known I snore for a long time (yay to theme park stays with hotel rooms and groups of friends haha) , and now that we're together, he nudges me during the night when I make "too much noise" and it makes me stop for a while, apparently... although I have to admit that over the past few days I've stayed awake longer, so much that he nudges me even when I'm awake, which is weird. But I digress.

He does have earplugs for when he can't bear it. I've offered to sleep in the living room a few times, but he refuses and says that he's got to learn how to live with it. Which I find cute :) .

But I still warn "new" people (when I visit places and stuff) that I snore, to see what they want to do. Not my fault I snore, and not theirs either, but I find it easier to speak about it openly and take the initiative of accomodating people since I'm the noise maker :P .
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: mich3554 on August 11, 2010, 07:33:39 AM
I snore, my b/f talks in his sleep (a LOT).  He snores as well.

According to him, he can get me to stop snoring by nudging me over onto my side, so I guess he's figured it out.  I just need to figure out how to deal with his nocturnal conversations because his snoring doesn't bug me as much as his talking.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: bopper on August 11, 2010, 08:49:31 AM
I have to say I get a bit annoyed when the other person is making it such that I can't sleep.

My husband has sleep apnea and has a CPAP.   Somehow it is my task to make sure we bring it on vacation/camping.  Sometimes he gets the leg twitchies...  He is also diabetic...so sometimes his insulin pump buzzes or makes noises (alerts)....I get annoyed when I can't go to sleep because of those things.  I am the one who ends up leaving (on occasion) but I don't think it is fair.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: Just Lori on August 11, 2010, 08:51:11 AM
Have you been in my bedroom?

My husband tends to snore if he's been drinking a lot of beer.  On evenings that he's drinking more than a couple of beers, he'll camp out in the guest rooms.  Otherwise, if his snoring is keeping me awake, I move to the guest room.  We have two twin beds in the guest room, and the dog will usually find me and stretch out on the other bed.  I say she's having a sleepover.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: NOVA Lady on August 11, 2010, 09:31:31 AM
DH snores at times. He is the one who moves as I am unable to sleep on a couch (I can sleep only in a bed, not a tent/couch/sleeping bag/floor/etc). I know he can't help it but I sort of feel resentful anyhow, as missing sleep effects me very negatively and will ruin the next day for me.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: TylerBelle on August 11, 2010, 09:55:18 AM
This subject was discussed in (I think) Dear Abby's column one time. One woman's response has always stuck with me. I don't remember exactly how it was said, but the gist was she found comfort in her husband's snoring. It was reassuring that he was there beside her and not out with someone else, nor out stranded, possibly hurt in an accident or so forth.

Oh and yeah, I'm a snorer. As I've been told by friends, family, and even myself for my own snoring has woken me up on occasion ::).
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: kingsrings on August 11, 2010, 10:05:10 AM
I think the impetus is on the snorer to do something about it if it's bothering the other person. There are many medical avenues to try to solve the snoring problem. My cousin's marriage broke up for various reasons, but one of the main ones was that she and her hubby weren't able to sleep in the same bed because of his snoring/thrashing during the night. She tried everything she could to put up with it to no avail. Sadly, he wasn't willing to do anything about it and just said it was her problem.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: Elfmama on August 11, 2010, 10:09:48 AM
A snoring husband is the closest I've ever come to homicide.  And you don't beat him to death with his slippers -- you smother him with a pillow.

I had to finally move into another room altogether after sharing a bed for 35 years.  DH not only snores, he kicks.  I'm fairly sure that he has sleep apnea, as the sequence goes like this:

DH goes to sleep.  It takes longer for me to fall asleep, so I am still no more than drowsy.

He begins to snore very softly.  I am about half asleep at this point.

Over the next 5 to 7 minutes (I've timed it) the snoring gets louder and louder, and it begins to sound like he's being strangled.

He stops breathing altogether for about 10 seconds, then he snorts and kicks.  The whole bed jerks, even if he does not make contact on my legs.  This shakes me out of whatever drowse I've managed to achieve.

Normal breathing resumes for 4 to 5 minutes, just long enough for me to start to fall asleep.

DH begins to snore...lather, rinse, repeat for the next 2 or 3 hours.  Waking him to tell him to roll over does no good.  He moves, but there's no difference between the back-snore and the side-snore. 

He refuses to get a sleep study, or even talk to our doctor about it.  He says "I would know if I have sleep apnea.  You aren't a doctor, so you can't diagnose something like that."

But I *DO* have sleep apnea.  I use a CPAP every night.  If I don't, I'm aware when I start to snore -- the vibration in the back of my throat wakes ME up!  So I slap the mask on even while napping, or lying down with a migraine.

And if you get a stubborn snorer, s/he will refuse to believe the sleep partner and refuse to go sleep on the couch/in the guest bedroom/out in the treehouse.  It's just easier for the wakeful partner to move.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: Just Lori on August 11, 2010, 10:23:01 AM
An area homebuilder told me that dual master bedroom suites are a new trend for people who have the luxury of space and money.  Some couples opt for two bedrooms with all the amenities, with easy access to each other when desired and privacy when it's not. As much as I enjoy sleeping in the same bed as my husband, I totally get why people would opt for separate sleeping quarters.  Sleep deprivation is my Achilles heel.  If I go too many nights without a decent sleep, I become a puddling mess of bleh.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: HeebyJeebyLeebee on August 11, 2010, 10:27:42 AM
DH goes to sleep.  It takes longer for me to fall asleep, so I am still no more than drowsy.

He begins to snore very softly.  I am about half asleep at this point.

Over the next 5 to 7 minutes (I've timed it) the snoring gets louder and louder, and it begins to sound like he's being strangled.

He stops breathing altogether for about 10 seconds, then he snorts and kicks.  The whole bed jerks, even if he does not make contact on my legs.  This shakes me out of whatever drowse I've managed to achieve.

Normal breathing resumes for 4 to 5 minutes, just long enough for me to start to fall asleep.

DH begins to snore...lather, rinse, repeat for the next 2 or 3 hours.  Waking him to tell him to roll over does no good.  He moves, but there's no difference between the back-snore and the side-snore. 
This sounds really familiar to me.  Sweet Pattootie started a sleep study, but he needs an anti-anxiety medication to complete the last part of the study to fit & set the cpap.  He gets bad anxiety attacks with the mask on (even just the little bitty nose pillow type mask).  Our Dr had a change in office management staff, and SP's study fell through the cracks.  It's been months, so I'm not sure that he'll ever actually finish the study.   >:(

A couple of things that have helped:  1) I've lost weight, so I'm sleeping more soundly at night (assuming I can get to sleep).  I probably have mild apnea related to my weight.  2) we got a new mattress earlier this year, so both of us are sleeping better from not sleeping on the lumpy stained busted ancient piece of junk that he had with his ex-wife (I can't tell you how much that chapped my hide - his ex-wife!!  ARH!!!!!).  The new mattress has 2 custom sleep zones, one per sleeper, and so we don't notice each other rolling or turning in the night as much.  Oddly enough, we both take the same level of support based on the fancy computer analysis of how our body distributes weight when we're lying down.   8)  

And ear plugs have been the salvation of our rel@tionship.  I forgot to bring them once on a camping trip.  Not fun.

Just Lori - if we could build our dream home, we'd have a master suite with 2 bedroom joined by a "jack & jill" bathroom & closet.  We'd be able to move between the two bedrooms by going through the bathroom or closet, or through the hall (like with regular bedrooms).
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: Jocelyn on August 11, 2010, 01:12:39 PM
Sleep apnea is no fun. I've waked up with my heart pounding, feeling terrified- which is appropriate considering I nearly died in my sleep. It's no fun to be tired and on the verge of falling asleep all day long.
But it makes me very sad to read comments about how if the partner of someone with apnea can't sleep, she should wake up the person with apnea and make them leave the room. Because in my case, that would mean either I'd have to go without my CPAP, or I'd have to get up, pull the bed out, unplug the CPAP, carry it to another room, and set it up there. I wouldn't have a problem with a partner deciding he couldn't tolerate the sound, and we'd have to have separate accommodations. But if he said, 'Go sleep elsewhere without your CPAP' it would sound like 'and I don't care if you die before morning.' And I can't imagine that the rigamarole of moving my CPAP would enable him to get to sleep easier than him getting up and leaving. It would sound like, to me, that he was saying, 'I know you're doing this to annoy me, and you're not going to get by with it. I'm going to make sure your sleep is as disturbed as mine is.' 
Nobody wants to have a life-threatening medical illness, but having a spouse who blames you for it would be far, far worse.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: NOVA Lady on August 11, 2010, 01:16:27 PM
Jocelyn.... no one has said they would make their spouse who needed to be attached to a CPAP machine go sleep elsewhere without it. You make it sound as though this thread is full of people saying they make their snoring spouses sleep elsewhere without their potentially life saving medical equipment. I don't think that is a fair representation at all.

My DH snores, but doesn't have sleep apnea (we've checked) and has no need for a CPAP machine. Why shouldn't I wake him so he can sleep elsewhere? I have no other alternative as I cannot sleep on the couch.

Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: DottyG on August 11, 2010, 01:18:35 PM
There are many medical avenues to try to solve the snoring problem.

Kings, we went through this discussion in the other snoring thread.  It sounds like you really aren't understanding that it truly isn't as easy as that. :(  I'm not sure how we (who are doing what we can, but still snore) can explain it any more clearly.  Help us a bit here, would you?  If you could explain what's not making sense, yet, maybe we can help you understand it better.

Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: evely28 on August 11, 2010, 01:44:49 PM
There are many medical avenues to try to solve the snoring problem.

Kings, we went through this discussion in the other snoring thread.  It sounds like you really aren't understanding that it truly isn't as easy as that. :(  I'm not sure how we (who are doing what we can, but still snore) can explain it any more clearly.  Help us a bit here, would you?  If you could explain what's not making sense, yet, maybe we can help you understand it better.



I think it's important to understand Kingsrings also. In the example she gave, the one who snored didn't even try to look into anything and just pushed it onto the spouse to deal with. So yeah, her statement is correct, "There are many medical avenues to try to solve the snoring problem" To try is key.

edited to delete an incomplete sentence.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: kingsrings on August 11, 2010, 02:16:18 PM
There are many medical avenues to try to solve the snoring problem.

Kings, we went through this discussion in the other snoring thread.  It sounds like you really aren't understanding that it truly isn't as easy as that. :(  I'm not sure how we (who are doing what we can, but still snore) can explain it any more clearly.  Help us a bit here, would you?  If you could explain what's not making sense, yet, maybe we can help you understand it better.



I think it's important to understand Kingsrings also. In the example she gave, the one who snored didn't even try to look into anything and just pushed it onto the spouse to deal with. So yeah, her statement is correct, "There are many medical avenues to try to solve the snoring problem" To try is key.

Dotty, you

Exactly. My cousin's ex didn't even try to get help. His whole attitude was that since he wasn't the one being bothered by it, so what. And that is the wrong attitude for any snorer to have. And yes, there are many medical avenues to partake of when it comes to snoring. If someone has tried every one of them and nothing works, then that's understandable, at least they tried.
Title: Re: Snoring
Post by: DottyG on August 11, 2010, 03:39:35 PM
There are many medical avenues to try to solve the snoring problem.

Kings, we went through this discussion in the other snoring thread.  It sounds like you really aren't understanding that it truly isn't as easy as that. :(  I'm not sure how we (who are doing what we can, but still snore) can explain it any more clearly.  Help us a bit here, would you?  If you could explain what's not making sense, yet, maybe we can help you understand it better.



I think it's important to understand Kingsrings also. In the example she gave, the one who snored didn't even try to look into anything and just pushed it onto the spouse to deal with. So yeah, her statement is correct, "There are many medical avenues to try to solve the snoring problem" To try is key.

Dotty, you

Exactly. My cousin's ex didn't even try to get help. His whole attitude was that since he wasn't the one being bothered by it, so what. And that is the wrong attitude for any snorer to have. And yes, there are many medical avenues to partake of when it comes to snoring. If someone has tried every one of them and nothing works, then that's understandable, at least they tried.

My point, though, is that, yes, there are medical avenues to pursue*.  However, what I think people don't understand is that they don't magically take care of the snoring!  Someone who is using a cpap machine doesn't stop snoring.  It might lessen it a little bit, but the snoring is (more often than not) still there.  It's a misconception that the "medical avenues" that you're talking about eliminate the snoring.  And, I have to say that this isn't something that I blame people for not knowing.  Until last year, I thought getting treatment for something like sleep apnea meant that you also stop snoring.  It was a revelation to me when the sleep study (and all my subsequent data downloads from the machine since then) showed that I still snore!  That doesn't actually go away.  The treatment for the sleep apnea prevents the person from dying from not breathing during the night - not to totally get rid of the snore factor.

* And, understand that I AM talking about people who have explored these avenues.  I realize that your cousin did not do so, so I'm not referring to that situation.  I'm merely trying to elaborate on those instances where medical attention was sought.